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DEAR DAN, I'M A SINGLE MOTHER OF A 5 YEARS OLD...
DAN IN REAL LIFE
MY DAUGHTER'S 18 YEARS OLD, AND QUIT HIGH SCHOOL...
WE'RE PARENTS OF TEENAGERS. IN ONE WORD: HELP!
- Hey... - Hey.
Is this yours?
- Dad! - I didn't think so.
Hey.
Hey, I was gonna do that for you later.
Now you won't have to.
OK.
- Are you hungry? - Yeah.
- Cereals? - Yeah.
All right.
- So, the plan... - "The plan"?
Cara, Dad's about to reveal "the plan".
I'll pack up the car...
pick you up right after school, then we'll drive straight through.
Sounds good.
- Does not. - What now?
Well, isn't the whole point that we go to school?
You're forcing us to miss school.
I mean, what about my studies?
Why are you smiling?
I never thought I'd hear you say: "What about my studies?"
It makes me, like, smile.
I don't wanna go.
We do this every year.
Only time we can get the family together.
Gotta help Grandma and Grandpa.
- Go. - You're destroying my education.
Change.
- Yes? - Very good column, sir.
That bit about curfews? Very apt.
Yesterday's column on boundary setting was excellent.
- Who are you? - I'm Marty Barasco.
I would like to thank you for last Friday's column.
It helped me understand my parents.
Ok. Marty, what else can I do for you?
I'd like to see your daughter, sir. If I could.
Jane!
Actually, I'm here for Cara.
Nice to meet you, Marty. Come back in two years.
Mr. Shaff says I'm one of the best driver in his class...
he says I'm highway ready.
Mr. Shaff and I may not agree.
Cara! Let's go.
- So will you let me? - We'll see.
3pm sharp. Do not be...
- Late. We got it. ...late!
Yes, we do.
That boy you were really rude to before is my friend, Marty.
My lab partner and we're doing an extra-credit project together.
Bus.
- Wait, wait! - Come on!
Hurry up!
Yeah?
Yeah, Jordy, I e-mailed it half an hour ago.
What?
No way. You're kidding.
Where's your sister?
You're late.
She went to Yumms. Can I drive?
Dad's going to be syndicated.
Not so fast, There're others being considered.
That's great. Can I drive?
Look, you're a fine driver.
It's the just the other hundred million...
If you don't let me, I'll never learn.
But if I let you, you may not live.
What was that? What are you doing?
- Could you be more embarrassing? - Sorry to interrupt your studies.
We can't all be monks like you.
No!
By the way, you're grounded.
- I'm grounded? - Yeah.
- For how long? - For life.
Dad, come on.
- It's humiliating. - Tell me about it.
- Grounded for a month. - A month!
But that's worse than forever... Dad, why?
- You lied to me. - You can't handle the truth...
Try me next time.
- But, but... - No, no.
- Dad, I love Marty. - Oh, please.
Dad, dad! Listen, I didn't know right away.
- It took me a while. - What's a while?
I've known him for three weeks, but I knew in three days.
Three days! You can't know in three days.
- Maybe she can. - No!
What you're feeling isn't love. It's young...
- Yes, it is. I love him. - and reckless.
- I love him, I love him. - No, Cara, it is not love.
- No, it is not. - I love him.
Dad? You ok?
There goes Jane's college education.
There goes Cara's.
What about mine?
No, you're good.
No, wait. There it goes
You can't keep me from Marty.
Dad, let me remind you that guys are half the world...
and I'll find others.
But know that only Marty gets my heart.
In the car.
I know a really good driver.
No.
Here we go.
I think your sisters aren't very happy with me.
Sure.
What do you think?
You're a good father, but sometimes a bad dad.
- Who told you to say that? - No one.
Was it Jane or Cara? You can tell me.
- I made it up myself. - No. You didn't.
Which one of your sisters told you to say that?
I made it up myself.
I'm in the fourth grade. I can make things up for myself.
- Jane or Cara? - I made it up myself.
- I can think things for myself. - Jane or Cara?
- I'm in the fourth grade. - She's in the fourth grade!
They're here!
Come, girls!
- Good to see you, girls. - Hey, Poppy.
- Hi! - Hi!
Hey, Dad.
Now we're all here.
- How are you doing? - Fine.
Or maybe not. My kids can't stand me.
It means you're doing something right.
You're so Hi, honey.
Look at your girls, they're all grown up.
No, they're still very young.
How are you?
- How are you? She's getting bigger. - Getting bigger every day.
Hi.
- Hi. - Hi, uncle Dan.
Eileen, how are you?
- Did you hit traffic? - Yeah, it wasn't too bad.
- Hi, sis. Good to see you. - Glad you're here.
Who are they? I've never seen these guys in my life.
- Hi, uncle Dan. - Say something.
- Something. - It happened. I knew it.
- Way to go! It sounds good. - Thanks.
Honey, you're down here.
Your brother, Mitch, has a friend coming to visit, so...
- I'm in the special room. - Yeah.
- Sorry, bro. - That's ok.
- You sleep tight. - You too.
- Are you tired? - Get down, get down!
Good morning.
- Good morning. - Did you sleep ok?
- Yeah. - Get down!
Can I get you something?
Get a life.
- She just needs some space. - That's not what she needs.
Yeah, she does. You all do.
- Why don't you go get the papers? - No, Mom.
Yeah, go on.
It would do you good. Get lost for a little while.
Maybe I should stick around.
No. Get lost, Danny. It's not a request.
Hi.
- Good morning. - I'll be with you in a minute.
Then he went downtown.
Yeah, for coffee.
Talks to him on weekends.
Hi. Excuse me, could you help?
Yes.
I'm looking for a book, obviously.
Anything in particular?
Yeah, something that can help me...
deal with what might be an awkward situation.
What kind of...
Something funny might be nice.
But not necessarily laugh-out-loud funny.
And certainly not make-fun-of-other-people funny...
but rather something, human funny.
Ok.
And, if it could...
sneak up on you, surprise you...
and at the same time make you think that what you thought...
was not only right in a wrong kind of way...
but when you're wrong...
there's a certain rightness to your wrongness.
Maybe, what I mean is...
more importantly, I'm looking to be swept up.
And at the same time, not.
I wanna feel a deep connection...
to something.
Maybe I don't know what I'm looking for.
You rarely find it all in just one book.
That's why there're so many.
- So, what do we have? - We have...
- a sort of potpourri... - Potpourri?
of possibilities... Yes.
We have poetry. Dickinson, basic stuff.
Little Neruda is always good.
- I agree. - Now!
This is actually a real page-turner: "The Life of Gandhi".
Nobody has ever been quite so cool as him.
Lighthouses, "A Good Man Is Hard to Find".
The title alone.
Anna Karenina. I don't...
Now, that's funny.
No, actually, no, funny is here.
Maybe it's not that funny.
No, actually that's funny. Very funny, and true.
Good. Ok, good.
If you could pick only one.
I would say that nothing rivals...
"The romance of Fishcliff'.
I'm being honest. I just walked around...
and I just grabbed stuff.
- You were looking for? - Sold.
- I'm sorry? - I want them all.
- They were just suggestions... - Make sure he gets commission.
He doesn't work here.
Well, he should.
You're smooth.
Actually, no, I'm not smooth.
I'm Dan.
Sorry.
Marie.
Hey.
Hi.
Marie, can I make it up to you?
Here is your tea.
Hot, watch it. And there is my orange juice.
And I bought a muffin, but I think they gave me...
a small planet.
I'll leave it here.
- Thank you. - I have napkins and utensils.
I'm a big believer in forks.
And you are not, apparently.
- So, Dan... - Yes.
You were born?
I was born, like everybody else.
And I grew up, like everybody else.
Good?
Ok, what else?
I went to school and I had a Bonanza lunch pail.
This show, '60s, a TV show.
When I was ten, I wanted to be a magician.
So I used to hold these magic shows for all the kids in the neighborhood.
I tried to make a neighborhood girl levitate. But she didn't.
And it involved a body cast, and several stitches.
Let me tell you something, something I've never...
You're gonna laugh.
Something I've never told anybody...
in my life.
This is really hard for me to say.
And then she got, sick.
And...
It's taken a while.
We should probably talk about something else.
Are you telling me that you're a widower with three daughters...
who preys on unsuspecting women in bookstores?
It seems that would be me.
- Been there. - Really?
No, it seems that it's been...
seriously hard.
No.
We're ok now. We're really ok.
You don't have to smile.
Better than the alternative.
Can you hold?
Excuse me.
Hi. No, I'm minutes away.
Yes.
I have to go.
Ok.
I just lost track of time.
I wish we could keep talking.
It was nice, and a bit unusual, meeting you.
Maybe I can call you sometime?
That might be awkward.
- Cause you're in a relationship? - Yes, a new one.
I would've found out if I hadn't been talking.
- That's true. - But it's not exactly fair, is it?
Thank you.
You know all about me and I know nothing about you.
I don't wanna go through the rest of my life wondering...
about the woman in the bookstore who let me do the talking.
All we'd be is two people finishing a conversation.
Ok. No harm in that.
Ok.
Call. Or don't, but, call.
Hey, wait!
I would even call to say I'm not calling.
Ok.
"I'd even call to say I'm not calling?"
Sorry!
I never do this kind of thing, officer.
I'm usually very careful.
And nobody believes in...
- Welcome to Rhode Island. - Yeah.
It's nice to be here.
- Hey. - Hey.
What's wrong?
Nobody. I mean, nothing.
Danny's back.
I'm coming, Mom.
- Are you all right? - What? No, I'm good.
- Really? - Yeah.
You don't seem good.
Well, it was the strangest thing...
Wow!
¿"Wow" what?
I met somebody, and she's really something.
- Who is she? - Bro, that is beyond huge!
- You got her number? - Yeah.
- You gonna call? - It's complicated.
No, it's simple. You've gotta call.
No, he just met her. He's probably worried it's too soon.
No, it's never too soon. Especially for somebody his age.
Amy, Dan met someone.
- He met someone? - Dan met someone?
Come here, how soon till he can call?
I don't know. I haven't been single for years.
Me neither. My God, who is she?
- What's going on? - Dan met a hottie.
All right, that's enough.
You know what? Let's ask Annie.
- Just now? - Now.
How does she look like?
- She... - What's the...
the question?
This is my brother, Dan. He needs your advice.
He met some hottie downtown. She's a little shell-shocked.
Wouldn't you be?
Mitch neglects to mention that in their weekend away...
she's gonna meet our entire family.
I didn't want to scare her off.
Let's go, everybody! Let's go!
So, Annie?
Anne-Marie, Mitch calls me Annie, but, I'm Marie everywhere else.
I've two Marys in my exercise class I didn't wanna confuse people.
No, that would be not good.
I prefer Marie.
Come on, sweetie. Women are on the porch.
Girls out there, guys in here. Come on, Dan. Let's do it!
Perfect!
The briefest time units. Four letters.
Nano!
N-A-N-O. Great!
Hey, no spying.
You guys are way behind!
That's not helping.
I don't think "secretive" fits.
No, it doesn't fit. Let's move on to 12 across.
For you to be interested in someone, she must be really special, right?
Skip 12 across.
It is not going to happen. She's already dating somebody.
That's not your problem, bro.
Actually, it kind of is.
Listen up, 15 across, five letters, pan-fry.
- Listen up! Pan-fry! - Grill!
- Is there a rock on her left hand? - No, not yet.
Then all's fair.
Focus, people! Pan-fry!
- Saute. - Of course it's saute!
The word before, did we try "zeitgeist"?
- It would be E-l-T... - I think it would make "ozone" work.
Lord, we hit the mother lode!
Ten letters. "Anything that can go wrong, will."
Earth to Dan. We're still at across...
- We're not even at down, Dan. - We're dying here, buddy.
- We're done. - Hooray for the dishes.
Congratulations.
- We've beaten them up. - It's been easy.
- Let's check it! - What now, boys?
- Dishes! - The worst is they laughing at us.
Dan, what happened? You were useless out there.
- Sorry, guys. - Lay off him.
Saute.
Dad, Mom, what do you think of?
Mitch, it's too soon to tell.
That being said, she's bright, lovely, adorable...
and if you botch this up, we'll keep her and get rid of you.
Dan, honey, you missed a spot.
Seriously. That girl is smoking. Amazing. Really.
What do you think of her?
She's great.
Run, run!
Can I show you where we are on this map?
Yes.
If I had known, I'd have never Not my brother's girlfriend.
No, of course not.
And, for the record, I never called you a hottie.
This is the bay, and we're right there.
I see.
What should we do?
It's kind of funny, maybe we should tell everyone.
No.
We didn't do anything wrong. It was sweet.
Good! You guys are getting to know each other.
Yeah. Just showing her where we're on the map.
- Uncle Mitch, you're not counting. - Ok.
I know what's going on here with you two.
You're not hiding.
Good ahead. ¡1!
- ¡2! - ¡Go!
¡3!
Clay, I know you're in that back closet.
Uncle, come on!
- ¡4! - Do over! Do over!
- Do over! - ¡5!
¡6! I'm counting to two hundred.
- I see you. - Yes, we do.
I'm gonna lay down for this whole thing.
¡8!
- Mitch is a great guy. - He is! He's fun and funny.
Uncomplicated in a good way.
- Just what I need. - He's a great guy.
¡9!
I just ended this long, messy relationship...
and I joined this gym and Mitch was there.
He's a great guy.
You keep saying that.
Well, because he is.
¡10!
¡11, 12, 13, 14, 15!
So good luck, to all of us.
Ok.
So a little bird told me you're gonna be syndicated.
Lilly. They're looking at a bunch of columnists. It's a long shot at best.
She's amazing.
Name a place, she's either lived there or visited.
Tibet, Chile, Berlin when there was the Wall.
Wait!
- What did I miss? - She'll tell you now.
- And you? Have you found someone? - Dad, don't...
I know you always say that with Suzanne you won the lottery...
and that to try again would feel greedy.
But it's been four years.
Can we just walk, please?
I wanted to spare you.
And I never smelt a thing!
Somebody please pass the corn.
- And that's how we met. - I got it.
My version is different.
- What's your sign? - Scorpio, Libra rising.
- My God, so am I. - Really?
- Do you have any siblings? - No.
Somebody wants some corn?
Tell us something about yourself few people know, not even Mitch.
I am an accomplished...
maker of pancakes.
You should make some for the talent show.
What would your perfect day be?
Mine would start with Annie, and end with Annie.
Mitch, we're not asking you. So you were saying?
My perfect day would start with going to a country...
where they speak a language I don't know, new customs...
someplace where I'm completely out of my element.
Welcome. I think you've arrived.
I want to say, the first time...
Sweetheart, you don't have to shout.
I thought that I just died cause there's an angel in the room.
Thank you.
How sweet!
- Very romantic. - Yeah.
Are you and Mitch in love?
This corn is like an angel.
- What shall we do tonight? - Let's go to the beach.
- Let's design a tent. - Yeah.
Big giant one!
And we'll there tonight. Ask granny if she's got one.
Or we can chase each other.
But we need the sacks.
Dessert! Dessert.
Danny, some of us are still eating.
- It's getting late. - No, it's not.
I'm an only child too and this is really overwhelming.
Have you ever lived your perfect day?
When does a boyfriend become a lover?
All right. Stop asking her questions. You've been grilling her all night.
- Are we grilling you? - No, not at all.
She's just being nice.
No. I love the questions.
Please!
On behalf of my family, I would like to apologize.
None of Mitch's girlfriends suffered such an in-depth questioning.
Dan does have a point.
Right?
Not the body double, not the Knicks City Dancer.
God!
Or the "massage therapist."
None of the flight attendants from every major and regional airline...
who've wheeled their carts through this house.
- That's enough. - What? Am I wrong?
Come on!
Wow, Dan.
Thank you for pointing that out.
You're the smartest guy I know.
He's right.
It's Annie's turn to ask me whatever.
She prefers Marie.
Ask me whatever you want, Marie.
I don't have any questions.
Come on!
Mitch said early on that if I'd forgive him his past, he'd forgive me mine.
That's a stupid thing to do.
Ok, everybody into the family room.
Kids, come on. We'll tidy up later.
John, bring the pies, please.
Not you. You'll be doing the dishes alone.
- Six. - Six letters.
- "Closet". - Yes!
Good job! Your turn! Your turn!
- Second word. - Second word.
- You! You! - It has to be the actor.
- I'm sorry, I was out of line. - No, you're not, you're my brother.
- You'll understand when I tell... - Listen...
nothing you can say would upset me.
The woman at the bookstore.
When you were talking about my other girls...
I realized something.
What I feel for Marie is different.
- That feeling in your... - Heart.
Yeah. When the heart is just...
- Pounding. - Pounding.
- And... - Like it's outside your ribs...
Yes.
- Exposed, vulnerable... - Yes.
You feel heartsick, alive, all at the same time.
Yes, what do we call that?
Love.
You always did have the words.
- Yes! - Yes!
- Stanford or Berkeley. - Those are great schools.
Maybe University of Washington.
Or somewhere closer to home.
Lil, you have trouble sleeping, you know where to find me.
Dad!
Uncle Mitch, are you going in for your good-night kiss?
- You bet. - Married couples don't sleep together.
- Kinda high school. - I agree with that rule.
- Thank you, Dan. - You're welcome.
No. Mitch, what're you doing?
Marie brought some books, but I thought she should read...
- a book by a real writer. - No.
- Not a good idea. - "Au contraire".
- Please don't. - Best book I've read.
Maybe the only book you've ever read.
Don't argue.
If you can sign it, that'd be great.
That's first edition.
- It's the only edition, Mom. - So far.
- Good night. - Good night.
Sleep tight.
I really wish you wouldn't.
"Good luck"? That's it?
We can work with that.
Hi.
Good night.
- Good morning. - Hey.
- Say, "Good morning." - Morning.
Good!
Have fun.
Here you go, sweetheart.
Marie. Will you join us, please, beautiful girl?
- Mom? - Yeah, honey?
- Will you hit that music? - Sure.
- John, hit it. - You need this more than I do.
Here he comes. I got him.
All right, Dan. Get on over here.
Here we go, boxer shuffle.
I wanna see those fists up.
3, 2,1, to the right!
Get a good bounce.
6, 7, switch!
Counting! 5,6, 7...
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7.
Counting! 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7.
You wanna take it, babe?
- Do you want me to? - Yeah.
- Ok. - Ok.
Salsa?
- Yeah. - Salsa?
The floor is yours, baby.
And left, and one...
Dan, hold on. Dan gets to go up front.
Beginners in the middle. Keep your eyes on Marie.
Let's do the arm a little bit.
1, 2, 3, 4...
5, 6, 7, 8.
Now move your arms like this.
1, 2...
3, 4.
Look, Marie, what to do. Dan, what not to do.
The other way.
- You were excellent. - Thank you so much.
- Marie, thank you so much. - You're welcome.
You always hate to start it, but then you feel so great later.
That's a good stretch.
Maybe you'll try that on me a little bit later.
It's good.
Dad?
Lilly, get your sisters and meet me in front.
Now!
- Where are you going? Can we go too? - Can we?
My girls are looking for a little quality alone time with their dad.
But I promise we'll do it another day, all right?
Lil, come on. Let's go. In the car.
Girls, let's go.
Dad, what is it? Nana's gonna teach me how to knit.
- Cara, let's go. - ¡No!
Ok, what are you waiting for?
Come here!
Right here. Right here!
You're so heavy.
I don't know, what I'm gonna do with you.
All right! I'm gonna fall down.
I don't think I can do this.
No.
This used to be the place with all the shells
and the papier-mache shark.
Remember you loved the saltwater taffy?
- When I was four. - Yeah, but... Ok.
Stick with me, guys. I have an idea!
Bowling!
- Yeah! - Bowling!
Ok, sounds good.
Life is full of disappointment.
Big and sometimes even bigger.
So, what's it gonna be?
The lighthouse or the whaling museum? Your pick.
Do you know why we have lighthouses?
Because they're neat?
That's right. Yes.
And also because they help when it's dark out.
They help keep boats safe
and keep us from crashing into the rocks.
Because when you're out there...
and you're being tossed back and forth by those big dark waves...
and you think that you'll never feel land again...
and that you could just split into a million pieces...
and sink down all the way down deep...
it's the light that keeps us on course.
- The light... - Dad?
Are you Ok?
'Course I'm Ok, honey.
Did you guys have fun?
- No. - No.
Jump inside, honey.
- Kids! - Where've you been?
I know. I'm...
We looked all over.
- For an expert on parenting... - I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking.
Hi, buddy. Hi.
I'm sorry.
Yes, I got it!
Dan. She was amazing. You should've seen her.
I've beaten you up? I was fast, wasn't I?
It was like I couldn't catch up. Even your sweat is beautiful.
Where'd Dan go?
Mom, she moves like a goddess out there.
- Yeah? - She's like a panther.
- Just her body... - Dry yourself off with the towel.
She's competitive, but I just wanted to pounce.
Do you know what I mean? I wanted to ride her up.
- She was... - Don't do that.
She was like my stallion.
She's so beautiful. I wanted her to be in front of me.
Marie!
There're fresh towels up there in the cabinet to the right.
I miss your skin.
I miss your smell.
I miss your eyes.
Dad!
You're such a freak!
No, sorry. That was just my loser of a father!
Yeah, he was totally spying.
Hello.
- Hello. - We gotta talk.
- Can it wait? - Is this working for you?
I mean, really working. Be honest.
- I'm having a nice time. - A nice time?
- Yes, I am. - Really? Are you enjoying yourself?
- Except for the soap in my eyes. - Ok.
'Cause you know what? I'm not.
I'm not enjoying myself, I think that as two people of principle...
- we should have ground rules. - Yeah, sure.
All right.
That's what I'm talking about.
We need to keep our distance. Stop. Stay away.
- Towel. - Stop. Ok. I'm sorry.
Thank you.
And, stop reading my book. Ok, just stop.
- Why? - And that salsa thing you do...
- What are you talking about? - The salsa dance.
This thing. If you could just not do that.
If you stop doing that, it would be very helpful to me.
There're other things you can do, such as not exist.
- Thank you. - I said it. I said it.
I didn't mean it, but I said it.
- And you know what else? - What?
I'm going to make myself less attractive...
so as to not encourage any inappropriate feelings.
Ok, that's hilarious. I'm gonna stop thinking about you.
- Good. - I will.
And if I start thinking about you, which may happen in a moment of...
- Weakness. - Yes.
I'll focus all of my thoughts on your flaws.
- My flaws. - Your flaws.
- And they are? - I have no idea...
but you can rest assured that I'm going to find.
- I'm in here. - Sorry, are you taking a shower?
Yes, I'm taking a shower.
A little advice.
- Old houses, old pipes. - Thank you.
- Takes forever to heat up. - Thanks.
- Can I talk to you about something? - Sure, absolutely.
And can we just keep it between us?
It's just...
You were talking about your life last night.
The importance of travel and of, trying new things.
And I just started...
Amazing!
I'd love to do the same. That looks like it's ready.
Yeah.
But, you're still dressed.
I forgot.
I'll look away. I'll look over here.
Anyway, so, I just realized...
I've been thinking a lot about what I wanna do.
In the future, Like not just for school, but...
It's just hard to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
I know I wanna go somewhere new and try new things.
But it's just hard to figure out the place where you should be.
Right.
And to have that experience, which is what it's all about.
- You know? - Right.
But it's also terrifying realizing...
what you want is what you want.
You know what I mean?
It's interesting the way that...
you end up somewhere other than where you...
We never know how come life has taken you somewhere else.
Somewhere you never imagined and you can't do anything about it.
Lunch!
Mac and cheese. Nothing better.
Adults are in the dining room.
I think I'm going to mix it up and sit with my peeps.
- Dan! - Please. Just let me be.
- Hey, guys. - Hi, uncle Dan.
- Hey. - Hi, Uncle Dan.
Hello?
Hi.
- Hi. - What's going on?
Marie's helping me with something and we're having no fun at all.
I can see that, how is she doing?
She's amazing.
Bye, Dad.
Bye.
- Bye. - Bye.
- So you were saying... - Oh, yeah.
I was trying to make like a really heart...
but I didn't even know how to draw a heart, so I cut it...
and it came out, like a star.
- Yeah? - Dan?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Honey, you know we're worried about you.
You know that.
And with your behavior last night and this morning...
we're now officially worried.
Thanks, I'm touched.
But I'm fine. You don't need...
We're having a private conversation.
- Come on in. This is good. - It's a private conversation.
Mom, go ahead, I'm all ears.
You do so much for your girls.
And you do so much for all of us.
But, what are you doing for yourself?
- Not now. - Sorry.
Come on in.
I want you to think about it.
- It's fine. - I'd like to speak with you.
- Stay, go ahead, Mom. - Nana?
- Yes, honey? - Is it cause he's acting weird?
- Yes, that's right. - There's an explanation for it.
- Please tell us. - I just wanted to talk to you.
You got to be way backed up.
I hope from time to time you're treating yourself to self-love.
- I talked to my urologist about this. - Come on!
That is not the real problem.
The real question, the one no one will ask, :
"Is will Dan ever find love again?"
- No, he won't. - Howard!
No, I'm sorry, he won't.
If you're open to it, love will find you.
I suppose so.
- Hey, people. - Perfect.
I don't think I was being clear before...
but you got to unclog that drain.
- If I mixed a metaphor there. - Yes, you did.
So far what you've missed is: "worried"...
"love will find you" and "unclog the drain".
Thanks.
- That's it. We're done. - No.
- No. That's not it. - Come on, Ma.
We met Margot Draper's daughter at the farmers' market.
- Who? - She asked all about you.
Danny, you gotta have a little fun.
Which means that Ruthie Draper is gonna pick you up at 6:00 pm.
- Mom! - You're gonna have drinks!
- You're gonna go on a date! - No, I'm not.
Yes, honey, it's time.
- Ruthie "Pigface" Draper? - Mitch!
Not "Pigface" Draper. I'm sorry, that is downright cruel.
There's nothing cruel about it.
I don't even remember Ruthie "Pigfaced" Draper.
I don't wanna go!
I don't want to go with the pig face.
- He's going. - No, I'm not.
- It's been decided! - I don't remember her.
This is a blind date.
We'll double. It'll be fun.
- Right, Marie? - Yes, it'll be fun.
That's my girl.
Come on, it'll be swine fine.
I'm sorry.
Go hog-wild.
Ruthie "Pigfaced" Draper.
Yes, all right.
There's a girl coming over here...
she's on her way right now...
she's driving here to meet Danny.
What's her name?
Ruthie "Pigfaced" Draper.
Ruthie, She's living in a house of bricks.
Not straws or sticks.
I'll be your big bad wolf...
I like your cute curly tail.
All right.
Here we go!
- This little piggy went to the market. - Yeah!
- This little piggy stayed home. - This little piggy stayed home.
- This little piggy had roast beef. - This little piggy had roast beef.
- This little piggy had none. - This little piggy had none.
This little piggy went: "Wee".
All the way home. Sing it!
Very good.
I remember now. It's such a beautiful house.
- Hi. - Everybody, this is Ruthie Draper.
- Hi, everybody. - You know everybody.
They're bigger.
- Nice to see you again, Ruthie. - Hi, Dan.
Hi.
I'd know you anywhere. You look just the same.
Ruthie...
you look great.
Funny!
So, Harvard Medical. You're doing well for yourself, Ruthie.
- Yeah. - Yeah, that's impressive.
You mustn't leave enough time though for dating?
There was someone.
He was very special in my life, but...
He was lost in a freak accident.
I'm so sorry.
Thank you.
What's weird is that we'd only known each other three days...
but it's you know how sometimes you just know.
- Yes. - Yes.
It happened the same to us.
Yeah.
- So you're a doctor? - Yes.
What's your specialty?
- I'm a plastic surgeon. - Of course you're.
No, I know what you're thinking.
But I work exclusively with burn victims and children.
She's basically a saint.
I'm just doing my little bit to help.
Just like your brother.
Stop, I'm...
When I can't sleep at night...
I go online and I read your past columns.
- Have you read Dan? - Only his fiction.
You're in for such a treat, really.
what you said, the mother of Couch Potato:
"Hide the remote".
To make him get up and exercise. It's brilliant.
And the parents of the five picky eaters?
- Individual meals for each kid. - Yes.
"What are you, a restaurant?"
- Right. - Brilliant.
- She used your every word. - All I'm saying,
is that I don't have kids.
And I don't have problems...
but it's clear that if I do one day...
your words will bring me comfort.
I'm sorry.
I'm gonna have to excuse myself. I can't help it.
I'm sorry. But a girl that moves like that...
a guy has got to wonder.
Hey, man.
- No, Marie is cool, right? - Yeah, of course.
I'm cool.
But I don't think Dan is interested in her.
- He's not? - I'm not?
I don't think you are, are you?
Nice! All right!
I don't know what it was, but something was holding him back.
Not anymore.
That's beautiful.
Great!
Come on!
All right, we're coming!
All right. Home again, home again.
- I really love your car. - Thank you.
- Bye. - Bye.
- Nice meeting you, Ruth. - You too.
- Come on, guys. - Actually...
Dan and I are gonna go for a little drive.
Don't wait up.
- This is fantastic! - Yeah!
I know what the secret ingredient is...
love.
Better and better with every bite.
- Words cannot describe. - Thank you.
- How are they? - They're scrumptious.
Truly mouthwatering.
Almost on my third stack.
- More, please. - And nothing's stopping you.
No.
It's a secret recipe, but she let me crack the eggs.
Yeah?
How's Captain Lucky doing this morning?
- It was fun. - Yeah?
Heard you worked up quite the appetite last night.
Could I have one more there?
Actually, I am a little hungry.
- Secret recipe. - These are good.
- Thank you. - I love them.
So did you uncork?
Whatever happen, no one deserves someone more than you.
There you go.
A football match, you should play, poppy.
Head or tail, outside.
I used to feel sorry for them.
- Yummy. - Whoever loses washes the dishes.
- Come on! - Go girls, go!
That's a foul, right?
You're gonna do that? That what you're gonna do?
Yeah, so you wanna take out my knees?
¡Go, Marie!
Why do you persist in acting like a 15- year-old is beyond me?
- I'm filled with reckless desire. - You should restraint yourself.
- What does that mean? - I think you know what that means.
- Dad, could you? - Yeah.
Thanks.
Hello?
No, I'm his dad.
Someone named Jordy for you.
Everybody! Everybody!
Dan just got a phone call.
Syndication is everything for a columnist.
All right. Let me explain.
I've been asked to meet...
with the head mucky-mucks of the Lamson Newspaper Group.
They're driving down tomorrow and they'll sit down with me.
That's great!
Maybe you should get the job first.
Yeah, right. Sure!
Dan the man.
Marie, come to me!
Dad...
Lilly just asked me why you were flirting with Marie.
I wasn't flirting.
Don't worry, I covered for you. I told her it was nothing.
Because it was.
Dad, I'm 17. You were so flirting.
It doesn't matter anyway. she's not interested in you.
But cool it, ok?
- And congratulations. - Thanks.
He took a bus here. He has relatives in Boston.
Dad!
Dad, he loves me!
Ok.
You don't have to worry.
When it comes to sex, Marty is the one who wants to wait.
What about that sentence is supposed to give me comfort?
Dad, I love him.
- Honey... - I love him.
I love him.
No, you don't.
What we have is true love.
Just because you don't have it, doesn't mean you have to punish us.
Infatuation is not love. Sexual attraction is not love.
You don't understand.
- I don't understand. - No.
No, you don't even understand that you don't understand.
What don't I understand, Cara? Please, help me out.
What is it? It's frustrating that you can't be with this person?
That there's something keeping you apart this person you connect with?
Whenever you're near this person, you don't know what to say...
and you say everything that's in your mind and in your heart.
And you know that If you could just be together...
this person will help you become the best version of yourself.
So Marty can stay?
I'm sorry.
"Marty can stay?"
Howard is going to drive you to the bus.
We called your aunt, she's waiting in Boston.
- Yes, sir. - Look, I'm not your father...
but I think you should know, love is a dangerous feeling.
No, sir.
- Are you arguing with me? - No, but...
Love is not a feeling, it's an ability.
Who told you that?
I made it up, Mr. Burns.
Come say goodbye.
- Window. - I miss you.
- That's it. - She'll see him soon enough.
No!
¡No, Marty!
That's sweet.
What's sweet? How is that sweet?
It's ok. It's ok. Come on, it's ok.
To be that certain. To feel so much love.
Love isn't a feeling.
No?
It's an ability.
If that's true, you have one gifted daughter.
This is horrible!
You're a murderer of love!
Ok, Cara. Next?
Olivia has something with the girls.
Gus will be doing his usual.
Bella is on the fence. Howard and I will sing.
That's nice.
- Aunt Eileen? - Put me down.
Really? What's your talent?
Murderer of love.
You were saying?
We've planned something for the family. Put us all down.
- Bravo! - What's your Dad's talent?
He doesn't have one.
He's the only one excused from participating.
- I give you Bella Wilson. - All right, Bella!
Chihuahua.
Go, Bella.
- Are you Ok? - I don't have a good feeling.
Do what you always do.
Marie is not a lip-sync kinda girl.
- I gotta do something special. - Just be yourself.
Bulldog.
That's it.
This is for Marty.
Do you want me to take the cherries?
Ok.
She tied it!
I got an idea.
I'm sure it'll be great.
It could be.
Last but not least, uncle Mitch.
Someone very wise, my brother...
once told me that if you wanna be completely honest...
sing.
By the way, I'd like to introduce my band.
Great!
I don't believe it.
He hasn't played since she...
1, 2, 3, 4.
When people keep repeating...
that you'll never fall in love...
When everybody keeps repeating...
- but you can't seem... - to get enough.
Let my love open the door.
- to your heart. - Let my love open the door.
Let my love open the door.
- When everything... - feels all over.
When everybody seems unkind...
I'll give you a four-leaf clover.
Take all the worry out of your mind.
I have the only key to your heart.
I can stop you falling apart.
Release yourself from misery.
Only one thing is gonna set you free.
That's my love.
And that's my love.
Let my love open the door.
- Let my love open the door. - Open the door.
- Let my love open the door. - Let my love open the door...
- to your heart. - Let my love open the door.
Let my love open the door to your heart.
Great job, guys!
You're amazing!
When tragedy befalls you...
don't let them bring you down.
Love can cure your problems.
You're so lucky I'm around.
Let my love open the door.
Let my love open the door...
to your heart.
What he said.
Great, guys!
What was that?
I couldn't...
I couldn't stop myself.
What am I supposed to do now?
You can't do anything.
He's my brother.
Why did you sing for me... then?
Because I'm...
Page 92. "Did I just die? Because an angel walked into the room."
Page 148: "I'll forgive you your past, if you'll forgive me mine."
It seems all his best lines were yours.
It's unbearable.
I...
I can't keep pretending.
Dad?
Yeah, peanut.
Will you come up to my room? I wanna show you something I made.
We'll do it tomorrow. Ok, sweetie? I promise.
Ok, Dad.
It can't be!
You're a great guy, but I can't be with you.
No, please.
- Please. - I'm sorry.
What's going on?
What is complicated being here?
My singing. I shouldn't have sang.
It was a bad song.
Is she crying or laughing?
- No, no. - Please.
Please don't do it.
Marie!
Here he comes.
Mom!
I don't know what to say to him. I never lost a girl.
- This is a first. - Yes.
Come on, do something!
- I'll follow through with these. - Who wants some cereals?
Please stop trying to act normal.
She said I was a great guy...
she said she loved me a lot.
And then she said...
we should both go find our own true soul mates.
I'm so confused.
I don't really know what happened from yesterday to today.
There has to be something, a reason...
- Why are you looking at me? - Not looking at you.
He looks into the vast void that is his future. You happen to be there.
Do you have anything to add?
What does the expert have to say?
Honey...
the hard truth is we all liked her a lot.
Yeah, we really did.
This isn't helping. No.
Could somebody think of something fun to do?
Let's see...
Part of the Rat Pack! Singer.
- Dean Martin! Sammy Davis, Jr! - Sammy Davis, Jr!
Yes!
- Your turn, buddy. - Come on. Let's do it.
- Come on Mitch! - Go!
- This is a gift from the French... - Hi, Jordy.
- You can't talk. - No, but go on.
- I had to leave. - I know.
- A kite with a key... - Ben Franklin!
But the truth is...
- Yeah? - I didn't get very far.
Beautiful smile, lovely eyes, one-of-a-kind woman.
- Marie! - Yes.
Mitch.
Honey, don't.
- Dad? - Hey, you.
Can I show you what I made?
First thing when I get back, ok?
Ok.
You again.
Nice to see you, officer. How are you today?
- You know why I pulled you over? - I sure do.
I know what I was doing and I know it's all wrong.
- This is gonna cost you. - Put it on my tab.
- What was that? - Put it on my tab.
What are we doing?
- It may be wrong. - Yes.
But there's a certain rightness to our wrongness.
I think we've got to think In your girls and how do we...
They're extraordinary and...
What?
I think this is all premature.
You do?
We don't even know if you can bowl.
All right. No, don't!
Wait!
- You have to line up. - Leave me alone!
- Come on. - Line up, come on.
I'm just watching you. I'm not...
If you laugh, you won't be able to. Are you ready?
Nice!
Thank you.
That was a terrible shot...
but I loved this at the end.
I wouldn't go yet.
- Not bad. - Two. That's good!
You'll break your arm like that.
Come on!
Let's go at the same time. 1, 2, y 3.
Dad?
Oh, my God. Dad, what are you doing?
What the hell? Marie?
- Hey. - What the hell's going on?
- We'll go. - They were just kissing.
- Are you sure? - That's ridiculous.
I can explain.
What?
You two broke up, right?
Two hours ago. We broke up two hours ago.
- How could you? - I know.
- Listen. - Marie, I thought that you left.
She did. She left, but she just didn't get very far.
- What? - I can explain this.
- Let him explain.
Remember the woman at the bookstore?
Here she is.
You told me to go after her, and I didn't.
It wasn't planned, Mitch.
I know how this looks.
But, Mitch, I also know how it feels.
How does this feel, you son of a bitch?
Oh, my God!
- What happened? - I'm so sorry.
Everybody, take it easy. You're not helping.
I'm sorry.
Darling, get some ice.
- Dad? - Dan, are you all right?
Marie!
No, don't go!
I don't know what we were thinking.
I'm sorry.
Don't go.
Dad!
Dad, wait!
What are you doing?
Dad!
This is your summons for your court appearance.
One last thing. You need to surrender your license.
You have guests.
Speak of the devil.
- Hi. - Cindy Lamson.
Editor of special features, Lamson Newspaper Group.
- Hi. - Jim Lamson, publisher.
- Nice to meet you. - Yes.
We've been sitting here chatting with your family.
We've enjoyed the pleasure of meeting your lovely daughters.
- Hot cider? - Thank you.
- Thank you very much. - Thanks.
Father? Hot cider?
Not only are you a murderer of love...
but you're the worst parent ever.
- Charming! - How sweet!
As you probably know...
we have met with two other candidates, but...
my father and I are confident we have saved the best for last.
Girls, you can leave if you like.
Perhaps they should stay. We like to keep the family involved.
He knows all about keeping things in the family.
- Don't you, Dan? - That's why we're so drawn to you.
What you represent in your column, your moral values.
The personal characteristics that are reflected in your writing...
honesty, trustworthiness...
We have great plans for you, Dan.
We try to do what you keep telling your readers to do.
What's that?
Put family first.
Here's the thing.
Somebody hasn't been reading his own column.
I'm not sure what that means.
Go away.
You're a liar and a hypocrite.
Cheating with your brother's girlfriend.
- How long did you know her? - Two violations and a collision?
Was that part of the "plan"?
Worst of all, you blew off Lilly.
She's been wanting to show you something she made for you.
But you never showed up.
FOR DAD
I really messed up.
- No, you didn't. - Yeah, I did, Mom.
What I did to Lilly.
Don't forget Mitch.
John!
And those newspaper people.
Not a good day for you, honey.
If I just stay focused on being their dad.
Please, love is messy.
I should know better.
- I hurt my kids. - Go un-hurt them.
- You've made some mistakes. - Many.
So many.
Falling for Marie wasn't one of them.
Can somebody get me another box?
Yep, coming.
Mitch.
Mitch, I...
If it was anybody else...
I am so...
Hold that thought.
Hey, beautiful.
Girls...
I'd like to talk to Lilly alone, if I could.
Ok, then. All of you.
I know I messed up. Big time.
- Yep. - Yes, you did.
Now...
your mom...
I miss your mom.
All the time and I always will.
Mom's gone.
Honey, I see her every day.
I see her in your goodness, Jane.
And, Cara, your passion.
And, Lilly, you have her eyes.
And her smile.
So here's what I'm going to do:
I'm grounding myself for life.
I'm sticking with you. I am going to be with you.
You're with us every day.
I'm not going anywhere.
I got a little confused with Marie...
but that is over. Ok?
I kinda lost my head.
Got a little stupid because I love her.
That's not...
I don't love her. And that's not what I meant.
How could I love her? I've only known her...
- Three days. - Yeah.
And how can you know in three days?
I don't know.
Yes, I know. I love her.
Yes, I do. I love her.
I love her.
Then go get her.
We so prefer her to you.
Go.
Now.
Honey, for the road.
What is it?
- I can't do it. - You must.
I don't have a license.
Damn it!
I'm pretty good with maps.
This is so queer.
But I wouldn't miss it for anything.
Dear readers, for most of you, this is my first column...
in your paper.
In the future, I'll answer your questions, but today...
I wanna break from my usual format...
and talk to you about the subject of plans.
Not so much my plan for this column...
more like life plans. How we all make them.
We hope our kids make good, smart, safe plans of their own.
But if we're really honest with ourselves...
most of the time our plans don't work out as we'd hoped.
So instead of asking our young people:
"What are your plans?"
"What do you plan to do with your life?"
Maybe we should tell them this:
"Plan to be surprised."
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