MAN ON TV: We now return to Aaron Sorkin's new show, The Kitchen.
Where's the milk? No milk? We're out. No.
Walk with me. I want you to get some miIk.
Where? Now? At the store. Right now.
Any store? BIoomie's? Any store. Is that a joke?
What do you think? l think we need milk.
l think you're right.
You know, I never get tired of hearing that.
Should l go get the milk? Go get the milk.
(ALL GROANlNG)
Looks like the power's out again.
What, are we in lraq? This happens entirely too often.
Can we tell stories till it comes back on?
Yeah, Dad. Remember the last time you told us the story of Star Wars?
Maybe you could tell us another one.
Well, all right.
This is the story of Black Snake Moan.
Once upon a time, Christina Ricci was all tied up for some reason. . .
l'm already bored and confused.
Yeah, Dad. lsn't there another story like Star Wars you could tell us?
There just might be, Chris. There just might be.
(STARS WARS THEME PLAYlNG)
CHORUS: (SlNGlNG) His boy EIroy
(MlMlCKlNG PROBE DROlD)
Echo 3 to Echo 7. Han, old buddy, you read me?
Luke, I thought we talked about this. I changed my code name.
Right. Sorry. Echo 3 to Carlos Spicy Wiener.
Carlos Spicy Wiener here. Go ahead.
There's a meteorite that hit the ground near here.
l'm gonna go check it out. Won't take long.
Okay, but be careful. There's some snow monsters out there.
Relax, Han, l'll be careful. . .
(SCREAMlNG)
Cookie!
Hey, you guys, l hate to do this to you, but l gotta get out of here.
Hey, what's that on your jacket? ls that the Purina logo?
No, it's just a patch. l like it.
Thank you. l lied. lt's lame.
l won't miss you.
Han, wait. l thought you said you were gonna stay.
Sorry, l can't. But l'll give you my email address.
lt's HanSolo64@CompuServe.com.
Comp. . . Yes, CompuServe.
But you can't leave now.
You're a natural leader and we. . .
Hey. Did you guys order some ice?
'Cause l got a bag of ice here.
Thought you might need some ice.
Yes, there is a lot of ice around here. We get it.
We're having a conversation here.
Hey. l thought you guys might need some ice.
SOLDlER: What? Why would l need ice? We're surrounded by. . .
(LAUGHlNG) Oh !
What a day brightener.
Han, we need you.
Oh, really? "We" or "l"?
What do you mean?
You don't want me to leave because of the way you feel about me.
l bet you're afraid l'm gonna leave without giving you a goodbye kiss.
Ugh ! l'd rather kiss George Takei.
Hello.
(CHUCKLlNG)
Man, it's cold in here.
Beep-boop-beep.
l like all these electrical wires just nailed to the ice.
That's probably pretty safe, right?
Captain Solo, have you seen Master Luke?
'Cause no one knows where he is.
What? Well, that doesn't sound good.
All right, l'm gonna go out and look for him. l'll take my Don Don.
Well, l can't go outside. lt's cold out there.
You can't go out there in this weather. Your Don Don will freeze.
Then l'll see you in hell !
SOLDlER: Wait, Han. You'll need this.
What?
(SNlCKERlNG) Bag of ice.
You knucklehead. Get out of here, but know l love you.
(GRUNTS)
Damn these stubby arms!
Well, this is no better.
(SCREAMlNG)
(GASPS)
Me was going to ask you to snow monster ball, but now forget it!
(SOBBlNG)
OBI-WAN: Luke. Luke, puII your pants down.
Ben?
You look awful cold.
Why don't I get you a nice hot bowl of Zima soup?
Ben.
Luke.
You wiII go to the Dagobah system and Iearn the ways of the Force from Yoda.
Ben.
Luke! Ben !
Hang on, kid.
Yoda. Dagobah system.
Zima soup. Yoda. Dagobah.
Last time l was in a dago bar l was drinking a beer in Little ltaly.
Go on, get out of here!
Well, l can't stand this cold anymore. l'm gonna die.
Oh !
Well, it's probably for the best.
There are way too many elderly comedians out here in the snow.
This may smell bad, kid, but it'll keep you warm.
(SlGHS)
l thought they smelled bad
(GASPlNG)
on the outside.
Captain Solo, do you copy? This is Overweight Pilot Number One.
Commander Skywalker, do you copy?
HAN: Who are you Iooking for?
Captain Solo, there you are!
I'm sorry, I didn't copy that. Who are you Iooking for?
Carlos Spicy Wiener, do you copy?
Carlos Spicy Wiener here, go ahead.
They found us, kid. We're going back to base.
Just as soon as l grab some powder with these skiing young people.
(JUICY FRUIT THEME PLAYING)
MAN: (SlNGlNG) Get your skis shined up Grab a stick of Juicy Fruit
The taste is gonna move ya
Take a sniff Pull it out
The taste is gonna move ya when you pop it in your mouth
Juicy Fruit is gonna move ya
It chews so soft, it gets right to ya
Juicy Fruit
The taste, the taste, the taste is gonna move ya
How you doing, kid?
You look strong enough to pull the ears off Jennifer Garner.
Thanks to you.
Well, your managed- to-keep-me-around- a-little-longerness,
it looks like you managed to keep me around a little longer.
l assure you, l had nothing to do with it.
Yeah, right.
l think you just can't stand to let a fat guy like me out of your sight.
Why, you stuck up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf herder!
You can't use that word ! Only we can use that word !
(GASPS) The boss is coming. Look busy.
Lot of Empire stuff to do. Empire stuff.
Getting Empire stuff done. Busy with Empire stuff.
Yes, this is good Empire stuff. This Empire stuff looks good.
Yes, l think we're done with this Empire stuff.
Hey, dudes, what you looking at?
We think we found something.
(PROBE DROlD CHATTERlNG)
That's it. The Rebels are there.
My lord, there are so many uncharted settlements.
lt could be a phony! A big, fat phony!
What'd them Rebels do anyways?
You know your friend Alan?
Yeah, l like Alan.
They took his dog.
(GASPS) They took Zeus? Oh, no!
Central Command to Jeffrey.
Jeffrey here.
Jeffrey, them Rebels took Zeus.
That's AIan's dog.
l know.
Oh, no!
l know.
Set your course for the Hoth system.
Hey, take care of yourself, Chewie.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
What's this handshake business, huh?
Come here. Come on. Come on, bring it in. Come on. Come on.
l'm not really a hug person.
Knock it off. Come here. Come on, bring it.
Yeah, yeah. Hug it out, bitch.
Hug it out, yeah. Spray that hug all over me.
What's wrong with you?
What? l just wanna share my throbbing emotions
and shoot hot hug all over you.
l don't get why that's a problem.
Hey, Luke. Take care of yourself, okay?
You, too.
Hey, what'd you end up doing with that dog we kidnapped?
l killed it and ate it!
Yeah ! Yeah ! Yeah !
Rebels! Rebels! Rebels!
Empire sucks! Rebels!
Rebels! Yeah !
Yeah, Rebels! Yeah.
Lord Vader, we've entered the Hoth system,
but the Rebels have put up an energy shield blocking our entry.
What are we gonna do now, buddy?
Admiral Ozzel came out of light speed too quickly.
(CHUCKLlNG) Yeah. l had that problem with a chick the other night.
Okay, gross. l'm gonna turn around and take care of this other guy.
Lord Vader, we're out of Iight speed and...
(CHOKlNG)
You have failed me for the last time, Admiral.
Didn't know l could choke you through the TV, did you?
Well, l can. Captain Piett, you're in charge now.
Don't fail me, Admiral Piett.
A promotion? ReaIIy?
Can l get business cards that say "AdmiraI"?
That's not in the budget. You know, we're trying to catch Rebels here.
l don't even have business cards. None of us do.
Do you have business cards? Yeah.
You have business cards? You're a stormtrooper.
There's like a million of you. What do you need business cards for?
Well, they're for my cookie business.
l don't want. . . Oh, my God.
(CHUCKLlNG) That chocolate chip cookie looks like the Death Star.
May l have everyone's attention please?
We're evacuating into outer space,
with literally infinite directions in which to flee.
However, we have decided that our transports
will travel directly toward the fleet of Star Destroyers.
Any questions?
Yeah.
ls there someone from the military we can talk to? A man, perhaps?
Sir, Rebel ships are coming into our sector.
Good. Our first catch of the day.
(SCOFFS) Like you know how to fish.
Prepare to fire giant boob-nipple gun.
(CHUCKLlNG)
Feeling okay, sir?
Just like new. How about you, Dack?
l feel like l could take on the whole Empire myself.
Really? 'Cause that would be awesome.
Hey, everyone, Dack says he's got this one.
(ALL CHEERlNG)
You know it, bitches!
Hey, lmperial fleet, get ready to suck some Dack!
l think we're doomed. Nah.
Unless they've got any big, giant robot camels, l think we're okay.
Jim, robot camels.
Check it out, that one's wearing Crocs.
(MEN SCREAMlNG)
Echo Station 5-7, we are on our way.
REBEL LEADER: Great. We'II see you in...
(GUN FlRlNG)
Echo Station 5-8, we are on our way.
Hurry!
Yes, Lord Vader, their shield will be down in moments.
You may start your landing.
Excellent. We'II prepare for our descent.
Hey. Hey, Consuela, no cIeaning.
No cIeaning whiIe I'm doing the hoIogram... Shut that off!
Mr. Darth, you no have no more Windex on Star Destroyer.
Well, that's not my probIem.
Why don't you go out and buy some?
No. No, you buy.
What if I give you the money, then you can go out and buy it?
No.
(EXCLAlMlNG)
(GROANlNG)
Crap! l'm hit!
(GASPS)
FEMALE VOlCE: OnStar. What is the nature of your emergency?
Yeah, l just got laser torpedoed by an lmperial walker
and l need roadside assistance.
Of course, sir.
Am I speaking with Admiral Ackbar?
Yeah. Yes. Yes, l'm Admiral Ackbar.
(HOARSELY) lt's a trap.
(SLURRlNG) l love you guys. We had a great summer.
Han ! What are you still doing here?
Well, l just realized that my spaceship works better when l have the keys.
Duh !
MAN ON PA: lmperial troops have entered the base. ImperiaI troops have...
(FEEDBACK)
Sorry, l dropped the thing. ImperiaI troops have entered the base.
(GASPS) Oh, my God, it's pregnant. We're in a war. We're in a war.
l want the princess captured immediately.
Geez, Gordon, maybe today wasn't the day to wear your mesh stormtrooper shirt.
Sorry, it's just. . . l'm going out dancing after work tonight.
Oh, my God, l can't remember the last time l went out dancing.
l think it was Memorial Day, like, two years ago.
No, you know what? lt was four years ago.
You know how long it was?
lt was on Alderaan. That's how long ago it was.
Are those guys getting away? We should probably get those guys.
Those other guys will get them. So, what else?
This bucket of bolts is never gonna get us past that blockade.
This bucket's got a few surprises left in her.
Plus, me and Chewie are on it. Ain't that right, Chewie?
Hell, yeah. You my nerf herder.
All right, Chewie, punch it.
Thank God that hot chick is gone.
Now l can let loose my Darth farts.
(FARTS)
(AlR HlSSlNG)
(FARTS)
(AlR HlSSlNG)
Artoo, get her ready for takeoff.
You may not remember, but l told you last week
l got my niece's recital today.
(VlOLlN PLAYlNG OFF-KEY)
We gotta sit through this whole thing?
lt's not that much longer.
She's number seven and there's, like, 1 8 people.
Relax, man.
l mean, as long as she knows you were here. . .
Look, this is happening, so just come to peace with it.
Hey, this ain't the way to the rendezvous point.
We're not meeting up with the others.
We're going to the Dagobah system.
Hi. Excuse me. Excuse me.
Hi, yeah, do you know how to get to the Dagobah system?
Yeah, actually we're headed there now. You can follow us.
Okay, great. Annoying question. We have to get gas,
would you mind pulling off and waiting for us while we do that?
(GROANS)
Thank you so much.
(SlGHlNG)
Han, look!
Crap, there's two more of them dead ahead.
lt's all right, l think l can outmaneuver them.
JOHN BUNNELL: This Rebel lawbreaker thinks he can outrun the Empire.
The pursuing officers realize he's entered a residential area.
They give him a wide berth, but they don't Iet him out of their sight.
AstonishingIy, the driver makes a left, right into an asteroid fieId.
What are you doing? You're not actually going into an asteroid field.
Well, it's either that or go into the strawberry fields.
Hey, you know what l'm getting into? ls one-legged chicks.
Yeah, Paul, what's your new wife's name? Peg?
That'll be enough of that, lad.
How about Eileen?
Ringo got it.
Sir, the odds of successfully navigating an asteroid field are two to one.
Never tell me the. . . Actually, that's not bad.
Yeah. No, let's keep going.
Look at that one! Look at that one there! Look at that other one!
(SCREAMlNG)
We're gonna get pulverized out here!
Look, we got four or five of the main characters on this ship.
l think we'll be fine.
There, that looks good.
Doesn't that pie look good? Too bad we can't get at it.
lt's in space, and we're in here.
Otherwise, l'd be eating it right now.
All right, let's park right there in that cave.
What are you doing? You can't park there.
You're not handicapped.
l have vertigo.
lt's a real medical condition.
l'm just going on record as saying l'm not comfortable with this.
l hope you know what you're doing.
l've just found that Leia's constant questioning of me
has not been productive to the atmosphere of the ship.
And l think that she just needs to get some respect for herself.
Artoo, wake up, we're here. Put your shoes on.
You better hurry up and land.
The last half hour, l've been having all pee dreams.
All the scopes are dead ! l can't see a thing !
Sorry, that's me. l was still using an electronic device.
Okay, that's much better. Now l can see the swamp. . . The swamp!
Swamp crashes. They can land you knee-deep in trouble.
But the "good hands" people at Allstate will make sure you have a soft landing.
Professional service. Non-threatening black spokesperson.
That's Allstate's stand.
Thank God for these airbags. You okay back there?
l'm okay, but the midget inside me's got a head concussion.
No, no, no, no, no, no!
Artoo?
Artoo!
(R2-D2 SCREAMlNG)
Artoo, are you okay?
l think so. Boy, who knows what else is in this swamp?
SUPER FRlENDS ANNOUNCER: Meanwhile, at the Legion of Doom!
Not now! Okay.
(EERlE SlLENCE)
(CAWlNG)
Hey, who the hell are you?
What the hell is that creepy little thing?
Well, l'm not Yoda.
Okay, l'm Yoda.
You're Yoda?
You're the one that Obi-Wan sent me here to find.
Will you teach me the ways of the Force?
No, l will not teach you the ways of the Force.
Okay, l'll teach you the ways of the Force.
But if you want to become a Jedi, first l gotta ask you something.
Did you see Van Wilder?
Yeah, l saw it on Comedy Central.
No! No, no, no, no, no! We got a lot of training to do.
l'm asking, did you see the DVD frat house edition
with all the uncensored footage and the interview with Ryan Reynolds?
No.
Well, that's all part of mastering the Force, man.
lt starts with checking out sweet-ass DVD releases,
like Iron Man, directed by Jon Favreau.
Yeah, he puts himself in his own movies, but you don't mind
'cause he seems like the kind of guy who'd help you move if you asked him.
l'm glad you're here. Look, l pulled this all apart,
and it looks like you're gonna need a new condenser.
Really? A new condenser?
Yeah, and l would also highly recommend
a complete flush of your photon conversion system.
l swear l just did that.
Okay, well, how about this? Do you want me to just go ahead
and do that while l'm replacing the new condenser?
l think l'd like to call my husband.
Look, how about this?
You buy the condenser, and l'll make out with you.
(EXCLAlMS)
l'm gonna kiss you so hard,
the picture's gonna change into something else.
Look, this isn't Windex but it's just as good. lt's the store brand.
No. No. lt leave a film.
l'm okay with the film. Just use it.
No. No. l no can clean.
Shit.
(CELL PHONE RlNGlNG)
Hello? Mr. Darth Vader. . .
Yes, sir. Quiet, quiet. lt's the Emperor.
Tell him l no can do Friday.
Okay. Okay, okay. Sir. . . Yeah.
My apartment need water.
No, no. No. He need to get it fixed.
(STUTTERlNG) Hello? l can't hear you.
l'm going to the knee pad. l'm gonna call you from the knee pad.
What is thy bidding, my master?
Hey, I'm downIoading aII my music to my iPod
'cause I'm getting rid of my CDs.
Do you have any desire for
Natalie Merchant's Tigerlily?
No.
Alanis Morissette's Jagged Little Pill?
No.
You sure? This thing was unstoppabIe.
This was the soundtrack to my '95.
To my '95 and my '96, actuaIIy.
No, thank you.
Richard Marx, Hold On To The Night?
(EXClTEDLY) Yes!
(STUTTERlNG) l mean. . . Yeah, no. . .
l mean, if you're giving stuff away, yeah, sure.
AII right, Iisten.
lt turns out Anakin Skywalker's son is still alive.
I'm gonna need you to find him and turn him.
Really? Maybe l can make him go bi, but all the way is gonna be tough.
No, I mean, turn him to the dark side.
Well, yeah, l thought that's what you. . .
Oh, of the Force. Yes.
l'll get him over to the dark side.
l'll just show him our recruiting video.
(CHEERFUL MUSlC PLAYlNG)
Thanks to the training l received in the Empire,
l have all the skills l need to make it in the real world.
The Empire Gl Bill helped me finish school. Hey, wait up!
And l met my wife in the service.
We had our honeymoon on Alderaan.
Good thing we took pictures, huh?
(LAUGHlNG)
RECRUlTMENT ANNOUNCER: The Empire, chasing RebeI scum,
kiIIing Luke's aunt and uncle,
teIIing peopIe to move aIong.
The Empire, our ships are big triangIes.
(BlRDS CAWlNG)
That's good. Stretch it out,
stretch it out because we're gonna start the training.
l'm ready, Master Yoda. l'm ready to become a Jedi.
All right, kid, let's do it.
(ROCKY IV THEME MUSlC PLAYlNG)
(lNAUDlBLE)
You know, l'm up for this,
but it kind of feels like the dark side has a better gym than us.
(DlSTANT EXPLOSlONS)
(SCREAMS)
There's something out there.
Hmm?
There's something out there. Where?
Out there, in the cave!
(LAUGHS) Crazy women, always hearing things.
There's something out there.
Let's go check it out.
What's all this slime on the floor?
Yeah. lt feels like we're in Rod Stewart's stomach.
Wait a minute.
Hang on a second.
What's going on here?
Something doesn't add up.
Just a minute.
Time out.
This ain't quite right.
Now l get it. We should go.
Hang on, sweetheart. We're taking off.
The cave is collapsing !
This is no cave. What?
How come l never get any lines in these things?
PETER: Shut up, Meg.
(CAWlNG)
All right. Let's take a break.
Your back's getting all sweaty.
Sorry. Does that.
All right. Now, let's go over what we've learned.
Naked chicks. Best?
Rebecca De Mornay in Risky Business.
Good. Worst?
Kathy Bates in About Schmidt.
Correct. l also would've accepted the rotting old woman in The Shining,
but Kathy Bates is probably worse. Best scene in Teen WoIf?
When Michael J. Fox is in the bathroom,
turning into a werewolf for the first time
and his dad's knocking on the door and he is freaking out
and he opens the door and his dad's a werewolf, too.
Gold star.
l would've also accepted the scene at the end, at the basketball game,
where the guy in the crowd has his dick out.
What? Yeah, there's a guy at the end.
Go online. Look it up. He's in the stands, way in the background,
and he's totally got his dick out.
What's in there? lt feels cold.
That place is strong with the dark side.
But it's very confusing and it stops the movie dead.
l'm going in there anyway.
(EERlE MUSlC PLAYlNG)
(GASPS)
You know, l guess we should take advantage of this very rare opportunity.
(CHEERFUL MUSlC PLAYlNG ON PlANO)
BOTH: (SlNGlNG) You and l will settle down
In a cottage buiIt for two
Dear IittIe buttercup
Sweet little buttercup
(SlNGlNG) My IittIe buttercup
BOTH: (SlNGlNG) I Iove you
l hate these hats.
Yes, sir.
Okay, nice bounty hunter turnout today.
Let's see, we got Robot Guy, Old Timey Deep Sea Diver Looking Guy,
Lizard Guy, who l think l saw get in a fight with Captain Kirk,
Boba Fett, of course, thanks for coming, and. . .
What are you supposed to be?
Raggedy Andy.
Get the fuck out of my bounty hunter meeting.
Okay, get ready to go to light speed. One, two, three.
Whanh ! Whanh ! Whanh ! Whanh !
Crap.
No light speed?
No light speed.
l got an idea. Chewie, turn us around.
You're gonna attack them?
(MlMlCKlNG) "You're gonna attack them?"
That's how you sound.
(SQUEAKlLY) "You're gonna attack them?"
lmagine listening to that all day.
They're moving into attack position.
Good. Put the shields up.
Oh, my God ! You have cake? Where'd you get cake?
lt was Jim's birthday, but l think it's all gone.
Track them. They may come around for another attack.
Captain, the ship no longer appears on our scopes.
They can't have disappeared. No ship that small has a cloaking device.
Captain, Lord Vader demands an update on the pursuit of the Millennium Falcon.
(STUTTERlNG) Tell him. . . Tell him we blew it up.
He's not on hold and he just heard you.
DARTH VADER: Yeah, I just heard you.
(CHOKlNG)
This is insane, Han ! They're gonna find us here.
Yeah, and even if they don't,
where are we gonna hide out after this?
Hey, what about Lando?
The Lando system?
Lando's not a system. He's a black guy.
ln fact, l think he might be the only black guy in the galaxy.
(CHUCKLES) Let's hope, right?
Whoa!
(CLANKlNG)
All right, the fleet's breaking up.
Chewie, get ready to release the landing claw
and we'll float away with their garbage. Release!
Look at that. Space bums.
Let's be thankful for what we have, everyone.
Be thankful for what we have.
(THUD)
Oh, my God, l hit a space bum ! Chewie, go, go, go, go!
All right, concentrate.
What do you see?
l see a woman draining your bank account
and running off with a real estate agent.
That is a bitch you see.
And l see my friends. They're in trouble! l gotta save them !
Wait, wait, wait. Luke, that's a stupid idea.
You're not done with all your Force stuff.
And besides, you can't fight Vader.
Only an experienced Jedi could fight Vader.
Well, why don't you go?
Yeah, you're probably ready to fight Vader.
That boy was our Iast hope.
No, there is another.
I know. I have the Force, too, you know.
l don't have a landing permit. l'm trying to reach Lando Calrissian.
What the hell's he firing at me for?
l told you not to shoot.
Well, you're not in charge. l am.
Well, l'm steering. No, l'm steering.
No, l am. l have a steering wheel.
So do l. There's two. Well, that's stupid.
l know. l know, too. That's why l said it.
Oh ! We lost them. This is going in my report.
No, it's going in my report.
(LAUGHlNG)
Lando!
Hey, Han, you crazy old bastard.
Hey, let me introduce everybody. You remember Chewbacca.
And this is my special friend, Leia. And that's Sarge over there.
You don't know my name, do you?
You never bothered to learn it.
What are you talking about?
We've been through all kinds of space adventures together.
Of course l know you, slugger.
Yeah, sure. Nice to meet you. l'm C-3PO.
C-3PO, yeah.
l was just gonna introduce you, C-3PO.
Why didn't you let me, C-3PO?
Maybe we should go inside.
Yeah, let's get inside, C-3PO.
You ever been to Cloud City, C-3PO?
J.Crew outlet store. Oh, my God ! Awesome!
Space summer is right around the corner.
Oh, my God. What happened?
l got into a slap fight with a prep droid over a pair of cargo shorts.
Are you guys all ready for dinner?
l don't know, the time change is really hitting me.
l might just stay in the room and watch bad TV.
Geez, it's only like two hours earlier on Hoth. What's the big deal?
l'm having my period, okay?
Please come in. l have nothing to say to Lando.
Okay, the door's gonna open and you guys say, "Freeze,"
and point your guns at them.
Or, you know. . . Or should it just be me?
Yeah, you know what? l think that'll be better.
Get out. Go, go, go. lt's just me.
l wasn't ready. Hi !
(EXCLAlMS)
(SlNGlNG) Wonder Woman
(JEERlNG ) Look, the Giant Chicken's Boba Fett.
Very well, Solo, if you won't talk,
we have very effective means of torture.
Whoa! Well, l don't want to be tortured.
All right, Luke's on Dagobah, there's a Rebel base on Kashyyyk,
and l'm the one who clogged the toilet on the 1 6th floor.
That was disgusting !
You know, because of that, l had to use the little pig people's bathroom.
All right, start the torture.
(WHERE HAVE ALL THE COWBOYS GONE PLAYlNG)
WOMAN: (SlNGlNG) Where have aII the cowboys gone?
(SHOUTlNG lN DlSGUST) Shut it off. Shut it off!
(HAN SCREAMlNG)
HAN: Ow!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Ow! Ow!
Ow!
This facility should be adequate to freeze Skywalker for his trip to the Emperor.
We'll test it on Captain Solo.
And as long as we're freezing things,
why don't you toss this ice cube tray full of orange juice in there?
And be careful with the toothpicks.
Lando, Lando. Lando! Be careful with the toothpicks.
Chewie, you have to take care of the princess while l'm gone.
Take care of her?
You mean like. . .
No. What?
No. Just make sure she stays safe.
Okay. That'll be fun for me.
l love you.
Fuck off.
(AMERICAN IDOL THEME PLAYING)
(AUDlENCE CHEERlNG)
Ladies and gentIemen, this is your Iightsaber battIe.
The Force is with you, young Skywalker.
But you are not a Jedi yet.
You're getting there. You're getting there, though.
l can defeat you, Vader. You'll see.
Okay, so, no cutting off body parts. Let's make that a rule.
No below the belt, if you know what l'm saying.
And you know what? How about no name calling?
You know, let's not have one of those kinds of lightsaber battles.
Car. Car coming !
We're clear.
(BEEPlNG)
Nice work, fellas!
And, David, you sold the most magazine subscriptions,
so you get to invite four of your friends to a pizza party.
Hurray!
Put Captain Solo in the cargo hold.
Duh !
Oh, no. We've lost Han. They're taking him to Jabba's palace.
Well, even though we know exactly where he's going,
we should rescue him in three years.
(GASPlNG) Oh, God. Oh, my God.
l would give my right hand for this day to just end.
Oh, no. Damn it. They changed the security code.
Let me see if l can do something about that.
Hey, baby. You're gonna let us through, ain't you?
Yeah, that's right. You know that feels good.
FEMALE VOICE: Oh, God! Nobody's touched me Iike that for so Iong.
(MOANlNG EXClTEDLY)
Oh, no! I think I hear my husband.
Honey, I'm home. What the hell is this?
(SHOUTlNG) Who's he?
Thank God you're home, honey.
He tried to rape me.
Oh, that's bullshit.
You get out of our home!
Oh, man. How am l supposed to run with this?
Have we ever hit anybody with these guns?
l hit a bird once.
(LlGHTSABERS HUMMlNG)
(GRUNTlNG)
Come on, Luke, join the dark side. lt's really cool.
Well, who's in it?
Me, the Emperor, this guy Scott. You'll meet him, he's awesome.
And James Caan.
l'll be your friend if you let me kick your ass.
l'll never join the dark side. Never!
(GRUNTlNG)
(GROANlNG)
MAN: Hey, a hand.
There is no escape.
Don't make me destroy you. Join me, Luke.
l'll never join you.
Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father.
He told me you killed him.
No, l. . . Hang on.
Spoiler alert.
Okay. No, l am your father.
Well, that's fine, but l don't see how that affects. . . What?
Join me and we can rule the galaxy as father and son ! You know?
l mean, it doesn't have to be as father and son, it can just be as,
you know, as two really close guys who just happen to be men, you know?
Just two good-looking guys sharing a cramped office,
running the galaxy together, you know?
Just getting the job done, you know? Maybe we. . .
Maybe we'd do it occasionally, but it's not weird, you know,
'cause we're just two guys with raging goals, you know?
l mean, it's not even about the doing it part,
but that's a part of it, but it's not the whole thing.
(SCREAMlNG)
Hey, did you see a hand come down here?
No.
(LUKE SCREAMlNG)
(GRUNTlNG)
Ben. Ben.
Leia. Leia.
Tom Selleck.
Leia.
Luke. Turn the ship around. l know where Luke is.
What, are you out of your mind? What about those fighters?
l said turn us around !
WOMAN: (SlNGlNG) Turn the ship around
Leia knows where Luke is
Turn it upside down
Take it back to Bespin
ls that him?
l don't know.
Luke, if that's you, wave your right hand !
No, your right hand.
LUKE: lt's me, you fuckers!
Luke.
Yeah.
Luke? Yeah?
Wait. Luke Skywalker?
Yeah.
Oh, my God ! This is so stupid, l was trying to call Luke Adams.
His number is right next to yours in my helmet.
So, how's everything been going since our fight?
lt's good.
And, you know, the offer's stiII open for the whole
"two dudes running the gaIaxy" pIan.
Yeah, listen, l gotta go.
Sure, sure, you're busy. It's okay.
All right. Well, l'll talk to you later, Luke Skywalker, right?
Yeah. Okay.
Prepare to lock the tractor beam onto the Millennium Falcon.
All right, Chewie, punch it!
Oh, man. All right, someone's getting choked over this.
Who was in charge of the tractor beam?
That was me.
Oh, yeah? Well. . .
You have failed me for the last time.
l can still breathe just fine.
l know.
You're choking my. . . Yup.
'Cause l'm upset with you. For the tractor beam thing.
Don't worry, we'll find Jabba the Hutt and that bounty hunter,
and we'll get Han back.
Why are you wearing Han's clothes?
Seriously, watch the actual movie.
Lando is wearing Han's clothes in this scene. lt's really weird.
Take care, you two.
May the Force be with you.
CHEWBACCA: There he goes with that crap again. Keep it in church, man.
All right. ls this thing good to go?
Yeah, but practice on a hot dog first.
Otherwise you might rip your dick off.
Someday, l'm gonna buy my moms a place with a view like this.
(lNSTRUMENTAL MUSlC PLAYlNG)
(MUSlC STOPS)
Wait a minute. This is how it ends?
There's so many questions left unanswered.
Are you Luke Skywalker?
Yeah.
l've got something for you.
A letter.
"Dear Luke, if my calculations are correct,
"you should receive this letter at the exact moment the DeLorean vanished.
"l have been living happily for the past six months in the year 1 885.
"The lightning bolt that. . ."
(GASPS)
1 885! The doc's alive!
l mean, he's in the Old West, but he's alive!
The end.
(ALL CHEERlNG)
Well, let's see Robot Chicken top this one.
Actually, l think they did a pretty good job of that already, Dad.
Well, l'll have to take your word for it.
l don't watch Comedy Central.
lt's on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim, Dad.
l'm pretty sure you know that.
l don't know that.
l haven't seen that show in a while and l don't know that anyone else has.
l think plenty of people have.
Their fans are pretty loyal to them.
Oh, yeah? All 42 of them?
(SlGHS) l'm not gonna let you get to me this time, Dad.
l'm not gonna let you get to me.
Well, maybe l got time for another story then.
lt's called Without A Paddle.
Fuck you, Dad !
English - US - PSDH