1
00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074
Watch Movies, TV Series and Live Sports
Signup Here -> WWW.ADMITME.APP
2
00:00:14,598 --> 00:00:17,309
We used to have 50 on staff here. 50.
3
00:00:18,727 --> 00:00:20,687
I'm the only one left.
4
00:00:20,771 --> 00:00:25,234
All comes down to one schmuck.
Me, the night shift bellhop.
5
00:00:26,527 --> 00:00:29,947
What the hell is that? A bellhop?
Huh? What is he?
6
00:00:30,906 --> 00:00:34,243
You know where the name
comes from? Huh?
7
00:00:35,160 --> 00:00:37,913
It's so simple, it's stupid.
8
00:00:37,996 --> 00:00:40,499
Some schmuck rings a bell
and you hop.
9
00:00:40,582 --> 00:00:42,417
You hop, front and centre.
10
00:00:42,501 --> 00:00:45,045
Did you ever meet any
of the old stars then?
11
00:00:45,128 --> 00:00:46,880
What are you kidding?
12
00:00:46,964 --> 00:00:50,092
I took Rin Tin Tin out for a shit,
for Christ's sakes.
13
00:00:50,175 --> 00:00:52,761
Oh, shit, you talk about stars...
14
00:00:53,554 --> 00:00:56,848
Hey, kid, put this on.
15
00:00:57,766 --> 00:01:00,936
Put it on. Put it on. Go ahead.
Come on, come on, come on.
16
00:01:01,019 --> 00:01:03,021
Let me see. Let me see.
17
00:01:04,022 --> 00:01:07,276
You know, to think that
I wore that stupid thing for 50 years.
18
00:01:07,359 --> 00:01:13,282
To think I did that. Ah, shit, yeah.
Yeah, well...
19
00:01:13,365 --> 00:01:16,285
Well, kid, I'm getting
my ass out of here.
20
00:01:18,787 --> 00:01:19,913
Yep.
21
00:01:21,331 --> 00:01:24,626
Yep, kid, got to go.
22
00:01:26,461 --> 00:01:32,676
Listen, kid, stay clear
of night clerks, kids,
23
00:01:32,759 --> 00:01:35,679
hookers and married arguments.
24
00:01:35,762 --> 00:01:39,182
Come on, stand up. Come on.
I wanna say goodbye.
25
00:01:39,266 --> 00:01:42,728
Now, let me see. You...
You wanna get a tip?
26
00:01:42,811 --> 00:01:44,563
Hold your hand out.
27
00:01:44,646 --> 00:01:48,317
That's right. Now, smile.
28
00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:51,111
Give me a smile. Give me a smile.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
29
00:01:51,194 --> 00:01:56,366
Now, if the cocksucker doesn't pay you,
you say to yourself, "Fuck you, Jack."
30
00:01:56,450 --> 00:01:59,119
You know what I mean?
You never miss.
31
00:02:00,203 --> 00:02:04,249
Tell you something else.
Keep your cock in your pants.
32
00:06:29,055 --> 00:06:30,849
May I help you?
33
00:06:30,932 --> 00:06:32,851
I have a reservation.
34
00:06:36,605 --> 00:06:38,648
In the honeymoon suite.
35
00:06:51,119 --> 00:06:52,370
Kiva.
36
00:06:52,454 --> 00:06:53,747
Wait up.
37
00:06:55,332 --> 00:06:57,334
What'd I tell you about smoking?
38
00:06:57,417 --> 00:07:00,003
- You smoke.
-That's right, I do, and I'm addicted.
39
00:07:00,086 --> 00:07:03,048
So, welcome to this week's edition
of "Who is a hypocrite?"
40
00:07:03,131 --> 00:07:05,926
- This is my first guest...
-That's enough, Kiva.
41
00:07:06,009 --> 00:07:08,553
- You're not my mother.
-Yes, I am.
42
00:07:08,637 --> 00:07:11,181
Then why are we sleeping together?
43
00:07:18,939 --> 00:07:20,398
Yes.
44
00:07:55,392 --> 00:07:56,768
Thank you.
45
00:07:57,936 --> 00:08:01,106
Oh, you little stinker
46
00:08:01,189 --> 00:08:04,234
Oh, you sweet little muffin
47
00:08:04,317 --> 00:08:07,988
Yes, mama loves the baby.
48
00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:15,370
Hello.
49
00:08:16,121 --> 00:08:18,289
I'm looking for the room
for making love.
50
00:08:18,373 --> 00:08:20,875
Oh, right.
You must mean the honeymoon suite.
51
00:08:20,959 --> 00:08:23,211
Well, it's straight that way.
Can't miss it.
52
00:08:23,294 --> 00:08:24,462
I know where it is.
53
00:08:24,546 --> 00:08:26,673
I just wanted you to know
that I know where I'm going,
54
00:08:26,756 --> 00:08:29,092
so you needn't bother with me.
55
00:08:29,175 --> 00:08:32,220
Well, no problem.
Where's your luggage?
56
00:08:33,513 --> 00:08:35,098
I travel light.
57
00:08:50,238 --> 00:08:53,241
Tell me, how long have
the others been here?
58
00:08:54,367 --> 00:08:57,078
About an hour. One hour.
59
00:09:21,478 --> 00:09:22,937
You're very late, Eva.
60
00:09:23,021 --> 00:09:24,773
I'm sorry, Athena.
I was attending a birth.
61
00:09:24,856 --> 00:09:26,775
The placenta was late in coming.
62
00:09:26,858 --> 00:09:28,985
Which birth is more
important to you, Eva,
63
00:09:29,069 --> 00:09:31,821
that of a mortal, or that of a goddess?
64
00:09:32,530 --> 00:09:34,574
Will there be anything else, ladies?
65
00:09:34,657 --> 00:09:37,410
Wait. We do need some things.
66
00:09:38,536 --> 00:09:41,706
We need fresh rosemary
from the kitchen.
67
00:09:42,540 --> 00:09:44,292
Mostly what we need
is from the kitchen.
68
00:09:44,375 --> 00:09:47,545
Hey! Are you listening?
69
00:09:47,629 --> 00:09:48,963
Rosemary.
70
00:09:49,422 --> 00:09:51,841
We need sea salt,
a little bit of sea salt.
71
00:09:51,925 --> 00:09:53,927
Or kosher salt, if you have no sea salt.
72
00:09:54,010 --> 00:09:57,263
A bottle of spring water,
French, not that Italian shit.
73
00:09:57,806 --> 00:09:59,390
Yes, and could I have
some French fries?
74
00:09:59,474 --> 00:10:00,809
Shut up, Kiva.
75
00:10:00,892 --> 00:10:05,438
Some ginger and some raw meat.
Liver, if you have it.
76
00:10:05,522 --> 00:10:09,442
I want fries, you stupid jerks
with your dumb fucking ritual.
77
00:10:09,526 --> 00:10:11,611
Shut up, you little shit!
78
00:10:12,070 --> 00:10:14,823
Hey. Don't talk to her that way.
79
00:10:17,826 --> 00:10:19,953
There's nothing else?
80
00:10:25,834 --> 00:10:27,168
Thank you.
81
00:10:51,985 --> 00:10:54,529
We're communing here
on New Year's Eve
82
00:10:54,612 --> 00:10:57,615
to bring to life the great goddess Diana,
83
00:10:57,699 --> 00:11:00,618
who was turned into stone
in this very room
84
00:11:00,702 --> 00:11:02,996
40 years ago today.
85
00:11:12,046 --> 00:11:15,967
Diana, oh, great beautiful one,
86
00:11:16,467 --> 00:11:18,636
we make these offerings to you,
87
00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:22,557
so that we may undo the wicked spell
which deprived you
88
00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:24,893
of the seed of your lover,
89
00:11:26,561 --> 00:11:28,646
of your virginal blood,
90
00:11:30,148 --> 00:11:31,900
of your very life.
91
00:11:34,569 --> 00:11:38,948
We now form the symbolic rock
with our bodies.
92
00:12:37,257 --> 00:12:41,803
On this night, in this hour,
we call upon the ancient power.
93
00:12:43,012 --> 00:12:47,725
Oh, goddess bride, we offer thee milk
94
00:12:48,601 --> 00:12:50,853
from a mother's sweet titty.
95
00:12:54,232 --> 00:12:57,443
To reverse this evil
which has been done,
96
00:12:58,152 --> 00:13:01,948
I make this offering to the divine one.
97
00:13:02,991 --> 00:13:06,869
A whore not, an innocent was,
98
00:13:06,953 --> 00:13:10,498
for whom I seized a virgin's blood.
99
00:13:13,668 --> 00:13:19,590
Goddess of light, goddess of lust,
to undo this awful spell is a real must.
100
00:13:19,674 --> 00:13:23,136
To bring you life and get you high,
101
00:13:23,219 --> 00:13:27,056
I offer the sweat of five men's thighs.
102
00:13:29,767 --> 00:13:33,563
Oh, Diana. Oh, Great One,
we live without sun.
103
00:13:33,646 --> 00:13:36,024
Until this wicked curse is undone.
104
00:13:36,107 --> 00:13:40,945
In hope that you appear,
I have collected a year's worth of tears.
105
00:13:44,365 --> 00:13:47,618
Goddess Diana, fail you, I will.
106
00:13:47,702 --> 00:13:50,663
I was to bring you fresh sperm
from my Bill.
107
00:13:50,747 --> 00:13:53,624
I had him erect,
and his semen would follow,
108
00:13:53,708 --> 00:13:57,587
but alas, I was hot,
so hot that I swallowed.
109
00:14:04,010 --> 00:14:05,803
You stupid witch!
110
00:14:06,596 --> 00:14:10,099
- You swallowed the sperm? You did?
-Why didn't you use your hands?
111
00:14:10,183 --> 00:14:14,103
Well, it just goes to show you what an
amazing lack of control you have, Eva.
112
00:14:14,187 --> 00:14:17,315
Didn't your mama teach you
not to put them things in your mouth?
113
00:14:17,398 --> 00:14:19,442
I understand, though.
114
00:14:19,525 --> 00:14:23,863
Eva, you got one hour
to find me some sperm,
115
00:14:23,946 --> 00:14:28,284
one hour to show me
what kind of a witch you can be.
116
00:14:29,077 --> 00:14:30,536
You hear me?
117
00:14:32,955 --> 00:14:34,457
Ted, the Bellhop.
118
00:14:34,540 --> 00:14:37,668
Mr Bellboy, come right in.
119
00:14:48,179 --> 00:14:49,680
Okay, Mister.
120
00:14:51,724 --> 00:14:56,104
Here is your $50 tip,
only you have to do one more thing.
121
00:14:57,480 --> 00:15:00,191
You have to make our little Eva smile.
122
00:15:00,691 --> 00:15:02,610
We'll leave you alone.
123
00:15:14,664 --> 00:15:16,541
Don't use your mouth.
124
00:15:58,249 --> 00:16:01,127
Help me out here.
I've got to earn this 50 bucks.
125
00:16:01,210 --> 00:16:03,963
Look, they don't care if I smile or not.
126
00:16:04,046 --> 00:16:05,715
They just want...
127
00:16:07,925 --> 00:16:09,969
You wouldn't understand.
128
00:16:10,553 --> 00:16:11,804
Try me.
129
00:16:13,264 --> 00:16:16,017
I've been around a bit, you know.
130
00:16:16,100 --> 00:16:17,268
Well,
131
00:16:19,353 --> 00:16:25,234
the five of us, Athena, Jezebel,
Raven, Elspeth and me, are a coven.
132
00:16:26,527 --> 00:16:27,695
Like a coven of witches?
133
00:16:27,778 --> 00:16:28,946
Yes.
134
00:16:29,780 --> 00:16:36,162
You see, for 40 years we've been
trying to reverse an evil spell
135
00:16:36,245 --> 00:16:38,706
that was placed on our goddess Diana.
136
00:16:38,789 --> 00:16:40,750
She was a beautiful virgin,
137
00:16:40,833 --> 00:16:44,545
an entertainer by trade,
but a great sorceress by design.
138
00:16:46,047 --> 00:16:49,634
It was here, in this very room,
on her wedding night
139
00:16:49,717 --> 00:16:52,553
that a jealous rival
placed this curse on Diana.
140
00:16:52,637 --> 00:16:55,431
Her husband was turned
into a pink fish,
141
00:16:55,932 --> 00:16:58,351
while our dear goddess,
142
00:17:00,728 --> 00:17:03,105
a stone in her honeymoon bed.
143
00:17:05,775 --> 00:17:07,360
This was Diana.
144
00:17:12,532 --> 00:17:13,950
She's the blonde.
145
00:17:14,283 --> 00:17:15,409
Right.
146
00:17:24,669 --> 00:17:26,003
Well now.
147
00:17:33,594 --> 00:17:34,720
I say.
148
00:17:51,779 --> 00:17:52,947
Well.
149
00:17:53,990 --> 00:17:57,577
Hate to tell you this,
but I kind of doubt she was a virgin.
150
00:17:57,994 --> 00:18:00,621
She had lovers,
but she saved that for marriage.
151
00:18:00,705 --> 00:18:02,456
If she doesn't get his goop
in 10 minutes,
152
00:18:02,540 --> 00:18:04,959
I'm gonna go in there and get it myself.
153
00:18:05,042 --> 00:18:07,128
That'd be a first for you.
154
00:18:12,341 --> 00:18:15,094
You mean, you were
supposed to bring...
155
00:18:16,721 --> 00:18:18,139
And you...
156
00:18:23,728 --> 00:18:27,106
And now, you're my last chance.
157
00:18:35,615 --> 00:18:36,866
No way.
158
00:18:37,867 --> 00:18:39,035
Nope.
159
00:18:40,202 --> 00:18:41,495
Besides,
160
00:18:42,580 --> 00:18:44,707
it's against hotel policy.
161
00:18:45,416 --> 00:18:46,917
I was warned.
162
00:18:47,627 --> 00:18:50,171
"No sex with the clientele."
163
00:19:10,650 --> 00:19:13,027
See, what I really wanna do
is be a midwife.
164
00:19:13,110 --> 00:19:14,945
I've attended four births already.
165
00:19:15,029 --> 00:19:17,490
I can prevent vaginal tears
and everything.
166
00:19:17,573 --> 00:19:20,034
Really? That's good.
167
00:19:20,868 --> 00:19:24,121
Yes. A fellow doesn't like
too many surprises down there.
168
00:19:24,205 --> 00:19:28,000
I joined the coven to obtain greater
understanding of my feminine powers.
169
00:19:28,084 --> 00:19:29,502
Oh, really?
170
00:19:30,836 --> 00:19:32,171
Seems to be working.
171
00:19:32,254 --> 00:19:33,464
You really think so?
172
00:19:34,674 --> 00:19:36,050
Yeah.
173
00:19:39,011 --> 00:19:40,304
Oh, God.
174
00:19:41,597 --> 00:19:43,516
Betty's gonna kill me.
175
00:19:44,308 --> 00:19:45,768
Who's Betty?
176
00:19:46,477 --> 00:19:48,562
- The boss.
-Oh, good.
177
00:19:49,063 --> 00:19:50,356
Oh, God.
178
00:20:16,048 --> 00:20:18,217
My number in Topanga.
179
00:20:18,300 --> 00:20:20,010
Call me?
180
00:20:20,094 --> 00:20:22,221
Sure, baby. I'll call you.
181
00:20:52,752 --> 00:20:54,086
What's that used for?
182
00:20:54,170 --> 00:20:58,007
This is... It's a birch branch.
It symbolises eternal life.
183
00:21:00,092 --> 00:21:03,012
- I'm a woman now.
-Marvellous.
184
00:21:03,095 --> 00:21:06,432
I'll use this bark for a tea
which assists in astral travel.
185
00:21:06,515 --> 00:21:09,059
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
I wanna be a witch.
186
00:21:09,143 --> 00:21:10,227
- Great.
-Okay.
187
00:21:10,311 --> 00:21:11,395
You are.
188
00:21:11,479 --> 00:21:14,398
We did it right there,
in the big cauldron.
189
00:21:15,733 --> 00:21:17,902
Great. Great.
190
00:21:18,819 --> 00:21:20,112
Athena.
191
00:21:24,909 --> 00:21:30,456
Goddess Diana, I offer to you
the jism of the one I wooed for you,
192
00:21:30,539 --> 00:21:36,670
so you may live and know such bliss,
as getting laid by a guy like this.
193
00:21:45,387 --> 00:21:47,223
So mote it be.
194
00:21:47,306 --> 00:21:51,352
Three times three times three.
195
00:22:35,563 --> 00:22:37,565
Just a minute! Yeah!
196
00:22:37,648 --> 00:22:38,816
Room service.
197
00:22:38,899 --> 00:22:40,693
Wait. What room is this?
198
00:22:40,776 --> 00:22:42,486
This is the front desk, sir.
199
00:22:42,570 --> 00:22:45,865
- What room we in?
-I don't know, man. I just got here.
200
00:22:45,948 --> 00:22:49,201
404. It's Room 404, I think.
201
00:22:49,285 --> 00:22:50,995
Look, I thought we were
on the fifth floor.
202
00:22:51,078 --> 00:22:53,998
All right! 409. Yeah.
203
00:22:54,623 --> 00:22:55,791
Sir?
204
00:22:55,875 --> 00:22:58,294
Hey, is he talking to me?
205
00:22:58,377 --> 00:23:01,380
Look, 404. We're in Room 404.
206
00:23:01,964 --> 00:23:04,300
- What do you need, sir?
-What do we need? What do we need?
207
00:23:04,383 --> 00:23:05,801
-Ice.
-lce.
208
00:23:05,885 --> 00:23:06,969
-Ice.
-lce?
209
00:23:07,052 --> 00:23:09,179
-Ice.
-Yeah, ice!
210
00:23:09,263 --> 00:23:14,226
Right, sir. 404, sir. Ice, sir.
I'll be with you momentarily.
211
00:23:17,897 --> 00:23:19,148
Disco.
212
00:23:47,134 --> 00:23:48,344
Hello.
213
00:23:54,683 --> 00:23:56,226
Anybody there?
214
00:23:56,894 --> 00:24:00,940
What'd you expect, Theodore,
a fucking floor show?
215
00:24:11,492 --> 00:24:13,160
Is this Room 404?
216
00:24:17,039 --> 00:24:19,875
Obviously,
I've come at a very bad time.
217
00:24:19,959 --> 00:24:23,963
Let's not beleaguer the fact that
you have no sense of timing.
218
00:24:25,047 --> 00:24:28,133
The fact is, you're here,
219
00:24:29,385 --> 00:24:31,011
and I couldn't think of
a better time for you
220
00:24:31,095 --> 00:24:34,556
to introduce me to your beau
than on New Year's Eve.
221
00:24:34,932 --> 00:24:37,851
There's obviously been a big mistake.
222
00:24:40,270 --> 00:24:42,356
- My name is Theodore.
-Yes.
223
00:24:42,439 --> 00:24:44,358
I'm the bellhop.
224
00:25:15,305 --> 00:25:16,682
Lover boy.
225
00:25:17,224 --> 00:25:19,560
Let's cut to the chase, okay?
226
00:25:25,566 --> 00:25:28,318
Is this about another man
or something?
227
00:25:28,902 --> 00:25:31,822
Let's get our ABC's right,
here, Theodore.
228
00:25:32,573 --> 00:25:34,241
Theodore, right?
229
00:25:36,535 --> 00:25:38,162
Ted's better.
230
00:25:38,245 --> 00:25:39,371
Ted.
231
00:25:39,997 --> 00:25:41,123
Okay.
232
00:25:42,750 --> 00:25:45,377
Are you saying my wife cheats on me?
233
00:25:52,259 --> 00:25:53,635
Come here.
234
00:25:56,138 --> 00:25:57,473
Theodore.
235
00:25:58,348 --> 00:26:01,852
This is about as intimate
a situation as you can get.
236
00:26:02,895 --> 00:26:07,858
You, me, Angela here.
237
00:26:08,484 --> 00:26:10,360
Pretty cosy, isn't it?
238
00:26:12,780 --> 00:26:14,615
I demand an apology.
239
00:26:15,449 --> 00:26:17,701
Oh, shit!
240
00:26:21,163 --> 00:26:22,331
What?
241
00:26:26,460 --> 00:26:32,382
We ain't got no needles here, kid,
just a big fucking gun.
242
00:26:33,592 --> 00:26:35,094
How's that grab you?
243
00:26:42,226 --> 00:26:43,435
Now...
244
00:26:45,979 --> 00:26:47,439
Where was I?
245
00:26:48,857 --> 00:26:50,067
Oh, yeah.
246
00:26:52,486 --> 00:26:53,904
I remember.
247
00:26:57,241 --> 00:26:58,450
Now...
248
00:27:04,123 --> 00:27:08,001
Give me that. Give me that. No.
Bad idea. Say the following.
249
00:27:08,627 --> 00:27:10,587
Come here. Come here.
250
00:27:12,381 --> 00:27:13,465
II ' II
251
00:27:14,800 --> 00:27:16,718
\: oi
252
00:27:17,427 --> 00:27:19,596
-"Theodore..."
-Theodore...
253
00:27:19,680 --> 00:27:21,932
-"Must humbly..."
-Humbly...
254
00:27:22,015 --> 00:27:24,601
- Humbly! Humbly!
-Humbly! Humbly! Humbly!
255
00:27:24,685 --> 00:27:27,563
-"And sincerely..."
-And sincerely...
256
00:27:28,188 --> 00:27:30,774
-"Apologise..."
-Apologise...
257
00:27:32,860 --> 00:27:37,489
- Apologise! Apologise.
-Apologise.
258
00:27:37,573 --> 00:27:39,658
-"For saying..."
-For saying...
259
00:27:39,992 --> 00:27:42,494
"Saying that I fucked another man."
260
00:27:45,998 --> 00:27:47,166
That...
261
00:27:47,249 --> 00:27:48,709
"Saying that I fucked another man!"
262
00:27:48,792 --> 00:27:51,211
Saying that I fucked another man.
263
00:27:51,295 --> 00:27:52,504
Right.
264
00:27:54,840 --> 00:27:56,216
Satisfied?
265
00:27:57,301 --> 00:27:59,887
Do you accept the fucking apology?
266
00:28:04,099 --> 00:28:06,977
You always have to have
the last word, Angela.
267
00:28:07,060 --> 00:28:10,105
It's just one way with you.
268
00:28:13,901 --> 00:28:15,194
May I...
269
00:28:16,695 --> 00:28:19,573
Shit, yeah. Come on, come on.
Spit it out.
270
00:28:20,157 --> 00:28:22,242
I don't mean to upset you further, sir,
271
00:28:22,326 --> 00:28:25,245
but I do think
she was trying to say, "Yes."
272
00:28:35,297 --> 00:28:39,468
Are you condescending to me,
Theodore?
273
00:28:41,845 --> 00:28:44,139
Absolutely not, sir.
274
00:28:44,223 --> 00:28:48,185
Don't you think I noticed
there's a gag in the woman's mouth?
275
00:28:49,937 --> 00:28:52,022
You know why I know that?
276
00:28:52,856 --> 00:28:54,066
How, sir?
277
00:28:54,149 --> 00:28:57,277
Because I put that gag in her mouth!
278
00:29:00,030 --> 00:29:02,532
Don't move a nose hair.
279
00:29:10,249 --> 00:29:14,878
Don't be a stranger, Teddy!
Take off your jacket and relax!
280
00:29:20,926 --> 00:29:22,094
What?
281
00:29:26,390 --> 00:29:29,559
We don't have time to play charades
here, you asshole. Untie me.
282
00:29:29,643 --> 00:29:31,103
- Listen!
-Jesus, honey!
283
00:29:31,186 --> 00:29:33,063
- I would appreciate it...
-Where'd you put the Percodan?
284
00:29:33,146 --> 00:29:35,357
...if you would tell that
nutcase in there,
285
00:29:35,440 --> 00:29:38,860
he's making a big fucking mistake.
286
00:29:38,944 --> 00:29:41,405
Look, whether you like it or not,
287
00:29:41,488 --> 00:29:43,198
you are in the middle
of a situation here
288
00:29:43,282 --> 00:29:45,575
you cannot just wish your way out of.
289
00:29:45,659 --> 00:29:48,161
But, I've never met you people before!
290
00:29:48,245 --> 00:29:49,997
You're complete strangers!
291
00:29:50,080 --> 00:29:52,708
Everybody starts out as strangers, Ted.
It's where we end up that counts.
292
00:29:52,791 --> 00:29:55,669
- You being a good boy, Theodore?
-Quick. He's coming back.
293
00:29:55,752 --> 00:29:58,338
Put the gag back in my mouth.
Look, we play this game all the time.
294
00:29:58,422 --> 00:30:00,590
Just play by the rules
and you won't get hurt. Quick!
295
00:30:00,674 --> 00:30:03,468
Come on, put the gag back
in my mouth. Quick! Quick! Quick.
296
00:30:03,552 --> 00:30:04,678
Remember, don't make him mad.
297
00:30:04,761 --> 00:30:07,973
I hope you're being a good boy, Teddy.
298
00:30:09,641 --> 00:30:10,726
- Teddy!
'whOQps!
299
00:30:12,978 --> 00:30:19,192
I was just beginning to think
I could trust you, Theodore.
300
00:30:19,276 --> 00:30:22,112
Just trying to help her breathe a little.
301
00:30:22,195 --> 00:30:24,781
Well, don't let me stop you, Teddy.
302
00:30:25,532 --> 00:30:28,535
You don't mind my calling you Teddy,
do you?
303
00:30:29,578 --> 00:30:30,662
No, it's fine.
304
00:30:30,746 --> 00:30:35,834
You know, once upon a time,
I had a little bunny rabbit.
305
00:30:35,917 --> 00:30:37,544
His name was Teddy.
306
00:30:37,627 --> 00:30:40,797
He looked real cute nibbling
on Angela's ear.
307
00:30:40,881 --> 00:30:42,382
But you're no bunny rabbit,
308
00:30:42,466 --> 00:30:47,429
and picturing you do it,
really fucking razzes me.
309
00:30:48,472 --> 00:30:50,599
But don't let me stop you.
310
00:30:51,224 --> 00:30:52,726
Nibble, Teddy.
311
00:30:53,060 --> 00:30:57,773
If this is some kind of
weird voodoo thing
312
00:30:57,856 --> 00:31:00,817
and you want me to
have sex with your wife,
313
00:31:01,485 --> 00:31:04,279
there's absolutely no way.
314
00:31:04,363 --> 00:31:08,617
Start nibbling, motherfucker!
Now! Now!
315
00:31:10,327 --> 00:31:11,495
Come on.
316
00:31:11,578 --> 00:31:14,206
That's it. Hop like a bunny.
317
00:31:21,463 --> 00:31:22,964
Don't be shy.
318
00:31:27,052 --> 00:31:28,387
Good boy.
319
00:31:38,605 --> 00:31:40,774
What's the problem, Sparky?
320
00:31:41,149 --> 00:31:43,610
No whiz left in the cheese?
321
00:31:43,693 --> 00:31:47,239
Look, I'm not playing
this game any more.
322
00:31:48,240 --> 00:31:50,033
It'll be over soon.
323
00:31:50,784 --> 00:31:55,163
Then you can go home
to mommy, Theodore.
324
00:31:55,247 --> 00:31:56,373
Ted!
325
00:31:58,667 --> 00:32:00,252
The name's Ted.
326
00:32:01,962 --> 00:32:04,756
Yes, my mother did the me the service
of naming me Theodore,
327
00:32:04,840 --> 00:32:06,425
and I haven't a clue
as to how you know that,
328
00:32:06,508 --> 00:32:10,804
because everybody who knows that
is thousands of fucking miles away.
329
00:32:10,887 --> 00:32:15,267
Have you any idea, the faintest idea,
330
00:32:16,726 --> 00:32:18,353
what it's like to arrive at school
331
00:32:18,437 --> 00:32:21,898
and find yourself surrounded
by the maladjusted?
332
00:32:23,900 --> 00:32:25,694
And there you stand.
333
00:32:27,279 --> 00:32:29,448
Little Lord Fauntleroy.
334
00:32:30,574 --> 00:32:33,535
Ever worn a bonnet?
Give it a try sometime.
335
00:32:34,244 --> 00:32:36,913
So shoot me now,
336
00:32:37,747 --> 00:32:42,127
because no one is
ever going to call me
337
00:32:43,712 --> 00:32:48,091
Theodore again, let alone Theo,
338
00:32:50,135 --> 00:32:51,595
the thumper.
339
00:33:00,562 --> 00:33:01,813
Wow.
340
00:33:10,155 --> 00:33:11,531
Sigfried.
341
00:33:15,702 --> 00:33:16,912
What?
342
00:33:18,914 --> 00:33:20,499
That's my name.
343
00:33:21,875 --> 00:33:23,710
- Sigfried.
-Sigfried?
344
00:33:26,171 --> 00:33:27,839
Nice to meet you.
345
00:33:29,007 --> 00:33:30,717
Very impressive,
346
00:33:31,927 --> 00:33:33,887
- Ted.
-Thank you.
347
00:33:35,305 --> 00:33:39,226
It's a deal, kid. Ted it will be.
348
00:34:00,497 --> 00:34:01,790
My heart!
349
00:34:06,044 --> 00:34:09,130
My nitro pills in the bathroom! Quick!
350
00:34:18,723 --> 00:34:19,933
Hurry!
351
00:34:20,433 --> 00:34:25,021
Next to the condoms!
It may be in my medicine bag!
352
00:34:26,565 --> 00:34:27,941
This is it!
353
00:34:29,234 --> 00:34:31,778
This is the big one, Angie!
354
00:34:32,612 --> 00:34:34,072
Dear God!
355
00:34:35,448 --> 00:34:38,618
Someone turn on the lights!
356
00:34:41,413 --> 00:34:44,624
- Nitro.
-Oh, baby, I got the chills!
357
00:34:44,708 --> 00:34:48,503
I can't feel my leg! It's gone numb!
358
00:34:54,384 --> 00:34:56,720
Where's the fucking white lightning?
359
00:34:56,803 --> 00:34:58,555
Quick get a rabbi!
360
00:35:06,354 --> 00:35:07,439
Help me!
361
00:35:07,522 --> 00:35:11,985
- No time to take a leak! I'm dying here!
-Help! Help!
362
00:35:12,694 --> 00:35:13,987
Help me!
363
00:35:15,238 --> 00:35:17,157
Help me!
364
00:35:18,033 --> 00:35:19,284
Help me!
365
00:35:20,493 --> 00:35:23,747
Help me!
366
00:35:37,010 --> 00:35:38,511
Good evening.
367
00:35:59,908 --> 00:36:02,118
I'm stuck in a situation here
368
00:36:02,202 --> 00:36:05,163
which I couldn't possibly
begin to explain.
369
00:36:05,538 --> 00:36:10,043
But I was wondering, do you think
you could call the police, sir?
370
00:36:11,920 --> 00:36:14,547
Are you all right, sir? Sir?
371
00:36:15,131 --> 00:36:16,257
Ice.
372
00:36:43,743 --> 00:36:45,120
Sigfried?
373
00:36:49,457 --> 00:36:51,793
Oh, my God! Sigfried!
374
00:36:53,420 --> 00:36:54,671
Angela!
375
00:37:06,933 --> 00:37:09,144
- Where is the fucking nitro?
-Couldn't find it.
376
00:37:09,227 --> 00:37:10,562
What do you mean,
you couldn't find it?
377
00:37:10,645 --> 00:37:12,480
Untie me! I'll find it!
378
00:37:12,564 --> 00:37:15,233
It's your fault he's so upset!
Now he's dying!
379
00:37:15,316 --> 00:37:17,235
I'll get some help!
380
00:37:20,029 --> 00:37:23,450
I tie a pretty good knot, don't I, Ted?
381
00:37:24,159 --> 00:37:25,827
Sigfried!
382
00:37:27,704 --> 00:37:30,957
Thank God, you're okay!
383
00:37:32,167 --> 00:37:33,626
You bastard.
384
00:37:35,962 --> 00:37:37,172
Honey.
385
00:37:39,466 --> 00:37:41,634
Don't get mad. It was just a little test.
386
00:37:41,718 --> 00:37:43,052
And I'm glad that I did it,
387
00:37:43,136 --> 00:37:48,016
because now I know
you love me forever, truly.
388
00:37:49,476 --> 00:37:50,685
And deeply.
389
00:37:50,769 --> 00:37:53,480
Well, if the simple fact that I didn't
want your bloated, dead body
390
00:37:53,563 --> 00:37:54,856
lying out on the floor is love,
391
00:37:54,939 --> 00:37:58,193
then no wonder we find ourselves
as we are at this very fucking moment.
392
00:37:58,276 --> 00:38:01,780
Oh, no.
I heard genuine care in your voice.
393
00:38:01,863 --> 00:38:04,199
Can't be denied, can it, Ted?
394
00:38:04,741 --> 00:38:06,743
I think you're right,
395
00:38:06,826 --> 00:38:09,954
and if you just keep this
kind of open dialogue going,
396
00:38:10,038 --> 00:38:12,957
I think you'll go a long way
to resolving this misunderstanding.
397
00:38:13,041 --> 00:38:16,711
You'd be surprised
what happens if people just listen
398
00:38:16,795 --> 00:38:19,714
without succumbing to
all that pain and anger.
399
00:38:19,798 --> 00:38:21,966
You heard shit, monkey boy.
400
00:38:22,050 --> 00:38:25,345
Easy for you to say after
you fuck another man's wife.
401
00:38:25,428 --> 00:38:29,182
You should at least have the guts
to stand behind your convictions.
402
00:38:29,265 --> 00:38:33,520
She's lying, Sigfried. I swear to God.
403
00:38:33,603 --> 00:38:36,523
You know, when I think of
all the times you were inside me,
404
00:38:36,606 --> 00:38:39,984
promising me a better life,
it makes me wanna puke.
405
00:38:43,321 --> 00:38:45,573
Why are you doing this to me?
406
00:38:46,324 --> 00:38:49,369
What have I ever done to you people?
407
00:38:50,161 --> 00:38:52,497
What didn't you do, stick man?
408
00:38:52,872 --> 00:38:54,541
Unfortunately, you don't have the balls
409
00:38:54,624 --> 00:38:57,210
to back up the actions
of your huge cock.
410
00:38:58,336 --> 00:38:59,796
No, no, no.
411
00:39:00,463 --> 00:39:02,340
He's got a huge cock?
412
00:39:03,758 --> 00:39:06,594
Oh, no, no, no, no.
413
00:39:06,928 --> 00:39:08,221
Show it to me.
414
00:39:08,304 --> 00:39:09,556
It's not that big.
415
00:39:09,639 --> 00:39:10,932
Put it this way.
416
00:39:11,015 --> 00:39:14,310
God made up for what he did
to Gumby with Teddy here.
417
00:39:14,394 --> 00:39:16,813
Show it to me!
418
00:39:18,147 --> 00:39:20,483
Show him your cock, Theodore.
419
00:39:21,317 --> 00:39:23,903
Please stop talking about his cock!
420
00:39:23,987 --> 00:39:27,740
Well, it's hard to stop talking
about something that's so huge.
421
00:39:27,824 --> 00:39:30,785
I mean, I could go on and on
about his cock,
422
00:39:31,369 --> 00:39:36,749
his bone, his knob, his bishop,
423
00:39:38,084 --> 00:39:42,672
wang, thang, rod, hot rod, humpmobile,
424
00:39:42,755 --> 00:39:47,719
Oscar, dong, dagger, banana,
cucumber, salami,
425
00:39:47,802 --> 00:39:53,808
sausage, kielbasa, schlong, dink,
tool, Big Ben, Mr Happy, Peter,
426
00:39:53,892 --> 00:39:57,270
pecker, pee-pee, wee-wee,
wiener, pisser, pistol, joint, hose, horn,
427
00:39:57,353 --> 00:40:01,858
middle leg, third leg, meat,
stick, joystick, dipstick,
428
00:40:01,941 --> 00:40:07,655
one-eyed wonder, junior, little head,
little guy, rumple foreskin, Tootsie roll,
429
00:40:07,739 --> 00:40:11,951
love muscle, skin flute,
Roto-Rooter, snake...
430
00:40:13,077 --> 00:40:14,746
Please don't go!
431
00:40:18,041 --> 00:40:22,587
Hammer, rammer, spammer, bazooka,
rubber chubby, sticky stubby...
432
00:40:24,088 --> 00:40:26,507
Hey, do you know where
Room 404 is, man?
433
00:40:26,591 --> 00:40:29,135
'Cause I was up at this party, and...
434
00:40:29,218 --> 00:40:32,347
I have absolutely no idea!
435
00:40:38,728 --> 00:40:41,314
Schmeckle, schmuck, wand,
ying-yang, yang...
436
00:40:42,106 --> 00:40:43,983
- What?
-I'm Theodore.
437
00:40:44,067 --> 00:40:46,194
Well, you're right on time, Theodore.
438
00:40:46,277 --> 00:40:50,323
Let's not beleaguer the fact
that you have no sense of timing.
439
00:40:50,406 --> 00:40:52,116
The fact is
440
00:40:55,286 --> 00:40:56,829
you're here.
441
00:41:26,067 --> 00:41:27,151
Front desk.
442
00:41:29,612 --> 00:41:31,698
Bottle of champagne. Fast.
443
00:41:45,545 --> 00:41:47,005
Stand still.
444
00:41:48,506 --> 00:41:50,550
I said stand still.
You're gonna ruin your suit.
445
00:41:50,633 --> 00:41:52,510
Come here. Come here.
446
00:41:53,428 --> 00:41:54,929
Give me that.
447
00:41:55,930 --> 00:41:57,348
Let me see.
448
00:42:01,310 --> 00:42:03,896
There. There, you see? You see?
449
00:42:05,481 --> 00:42:08,651
You look cool
with your hair back like this.
450
00:42:08,735 --> 00:42:10,403
Like me. Like me.
451
00:42:11,738 --> 00:42:16,826
Not down and to the side, all stupid,
like your mother likes to comb it.
452
00:42:17,994 --> 00:42:19,495
No. No.
453
00:42:20,413 --> 00:42:21,789
Like this.
454
00:42:48,524 --> 00:42:49,776
Impossible.
455
00:42:49,859 --> 00:42:53,821
You've got your mother's hair.
You can't do anything with it.
456
00:42:55,531 --> 00:42:57,283
There. Go. Go.
457
00:43:00,369 --> 00:43:03,956
How did you get your hair
in such a tangled mess, huh?
458
00:43:06,542 --> 00:43:08,252
There. Go. Finished.
459
00:43:12,340 --> 00:43:14,675
Are we gonna have fun tonight?
460
00:43:20,765 --> 00:43:22,517
I didn't think so.
461
00:43:34,737 --> 00:43:35,863
Hey.
462
00:43:37,698 --> 00:43:40,284
What about leaving the kids here?
463
00:43:40,368 --> 00:43:41,911
Here in the room, all by themselves?
464
00:43:41,994 --> 00:43:44,080
No, with the television.
465
00:43:54,382 --> 00:43:57,176
You wanna have fun tonight, don't you?
466
00:43:58,219 --> 00:43:59,345
Yes.
467
00:43:59,846 --> 00:44:02,140
Give it to me. Give it to me.
468
00:44:14,986 --> 00:44:16,154
Hey.
469
00:44:18,197 --> 00:44:21,075
You kids are gonna stay here,
watching TV.
470
00:44:22,660 --> 00:44:26,080
I want you to be in bed
and asleep before 12:00.
471
00:44:26,831 --> 00:44:27,915
12:00.
472
00:44:27,999 --> 00:44:31,377
Your mother and I will be back
later on, maybe.
473
00:44:34,046 --> 00:44:36,090
Don't misbehave.
474
00:44:54,859 --> 00:44:58,362
Why do we have to get all dressed up
if we weren't going with them?
475
00:44:58,446 --> 00:44:59,572
I don't know.
476
00:45:08,456 --> 00:45:09,582
What are you doing?
477
00:45:09,665 --> 00:45:12,627
I'm escaping. It stinks in here, anyway.
478
00:45:13,169 --> 00:45:15,004
What did I say?
479
00:45:20,676 --> 00:45:22,303
Behave.
480
00:45:22,887 --> 00:45:24,263
Yes, Papa.
481
00:45:25,139 --> 00:45:27,516
The champagne you ordered, sir.
482
00:45:29,143 --> 00:45:31,062
Too late. Leave it on ice.
483
00:45:31,145 --> 00:45:32,855
But I want some now.
484
00:45:32,939 --> 00:45:35,316
There'll be plenty for you
at the party, baby.
485
00:45:35,399 --> 00:45:38,611
You can bomb yourself
all you want at the party.
486
00:45:38,694 --> 00:45:40,780
Put it down. Put it down.
487
00:45:47,745 --> 00:45:49,080
All right.
488
00:45:49,664 --> 00:45:51,499
Do you want 500 bucks?
489
00:45:52,166 --> 00:45:53,376
Sure.
490
00:45:54,627 --> 00:45:56,295
How about three?
491
00:45:56,379 --> 00:45:58,381
- Three hundred dollars?
-Yeah.
492
00:45:58,923 --> 00:46:00,758
- Three's fine.
-Good.
493
00:46:01,550 --> 00:46:04,345
My children are staying here
tonight watching TV.
494
00:46:04,428 --> 00:46:08,057
I want you to check up on them
every 30 minutes.
495
00:46:08,140 --> 00:46:09,225
Check up on them?
496
00:46:09,308 --> 00:46:11,435
Yeah, make sure they're all right.
Make sure they're fed.
497
00:46:11,519 --> 00:46:13,312
Make sure they go to bed.
You know, these things.
498
00:46:13,396 --> 00:46:16,357
Sir, I can send out for
a baby-sitting service.
499
00:46:16,440 --> 00:46:19,277
No. I don't trust baby-sitters.
500
00:46:19,944 --> 00:46:21,946
My children are safer alone,
501
00:46:22,029 --> 00:46:24,073
than with some fucked-up
paedophile baby-sitter that
502
00:46:24,156 --> 00:46:26,284
I don't know from the man
in the fucking moon.
503
00:46:26,367 --> 00:46:27,952
What about him?
504
00:46:28,035 --> 00:46:30,830
What makes you think
you can trust him?
505
00:46:31,747 --> 00:46:34,625
Tell me that's not a face you can't trust.
506
00:46:35,543 --> 00:46:38,129
I'd love to help you
with your problem, sir,
507
00:46:38,212 --> 00:46:41,090
but unfortunately
I'm here alone tonight.
508
00:46:47,346 --> 00:46:51,851
One hundred, 200, 300. Here you are.
509
00:46:53,853 --> 00:46:56,522
- I thought you said $500.
-No, I said $300.
510
00:46:56,605 --> 00:46:59,775
No, sir. I distinctly heard you say $500.
511
00:46:59,859 --> 00:47:01,986
- Are you calling me a liar?
-No, sir.
512
00:47:02,069 --> 00:47:03,154
What I'm saying is that
513
00:47:03,237 --> 00:47:04,905
you accidentally forgot
that the first thing you said...
514
00:47:04,989 --> 00:47:09,327
But what I last said was $300,
and what you say last is what counts.
515
00:47:09,410 --> 00:47:12,705
Well, then, if you say $500
one last time, we have a deal.
516
00:47:12,788 --> 00:47:17,376
- You fucking with me, pendejo?
-No, sir, but I'm by myself,
517
00:47:17,460 --> 00:47:20,338
and looking after your kids
is a pain in the ass I don't need.
518
00:47:20,421 --> 00:47:22,381
Are you calling my kids
a pain in the ass?
519
00:47:22,465 --> 00:47:25,593
Why, no, sir, not the kids.
520
00:47:25,676 --> 00:47:29,013
It's the situation
that is a pain in the ass.
521
00:47:30,681 --> 00:47:32,933
No, you were right the first time.
They're a pain in the ass.
522
00:47:33,017 --> 00:47:35,644
All right. You win, tough guy. $500.
523
00:47:35,728 --> 00:47:38,105
You kids are getting expensive.
524
00:47:38,689 --> 00:47:41,609
What's your name? Ted.
525
00:47:43,027 --> 00:47:46,530
If you need anything,
just dial zero and ask for Ted.
526
00:47:47,198 --> 00:47:49,075
And make sure they're
in bed before midnight.
527
00:47:49,158 --> 00:47:50,785
Before midnight?
528
00:47:50,868 --> 00:47:53,329
Then should I wake them up
for the countdown to the New Year?
529
00:47:53,412 --> 00:47:54,747
- No.
-No.
530
00:47:57,416 --> 00:48:00,127
If something happens to my children...
531
00:48:04,965 --> 00:48:07,259
I wouldn't want to be you.
532
00:48:11,222 --> 00:48:12,890
Don't misbehave.
533
00:48:14,850 --> 00:48:16,811
Let's get out of here.
534
00:48:46,215 --> 00:48:47,383
Okay.
535
00:48:48,717 --> 00:48:50,553
These are the rules.
536
00:48:51,053 --> 00:48:54,473
Don't break the rules
and I won't break your necks.
537
00:48:56,725 --> 00:48:58,978
I always wanted to say that.
538
00:48:59,270 --> 00:49:02,148
Someone said that to me
when I was a kid.
539
00:49:03,732 --> 00:49:05,860
Only they weren't joking.
540
00:49:07,736 --> 00:49:09,280
The rules are simple.
541
00:49:09,363 --> 00:49:12,408
Don't do anything you wouldn't do
if your parents were here.
542
00:49:12,491 --> 00:49:13,617
If there's an emergency,
543
00:49:13,701 --> 00:49:15,411
call me on the phone
like your dad said. Thank you.
544
00:49:15,494 --> 00:49:20,624
That's not what he said.
He said to call you if we need anything.
545
00:49:21,625 --> 00:49:24,712
Well, I have a lot of work to do,
and I can't have you calling me
546
00:49:24,795 --> 00:49:26,547
every time you want
a glass of water, so please,
547
00:49:26,630 --> 00:49:29,675
try and limit your calls
to emergencies only.
548
00:49:29,758 --> 00:49:32,553
- Thank you.
-We paid you $500.
549
00:49:33,179 --> 00:49:35,890
We'll call you if we need anything.
550
00:49:36,432 --> 00:49:38,851
You don't wanna get my dad mad.
551
00:49:41,604 --> 00:49:44,773
Well, try and call only when necessary.
552
00:49:45,149 --> 00:49:50,070
Watch TV, and if you're good,
I'll bring you up some milk and cookies.
553
00:49:51,280 --> 00:49:52,823
Bye, now.
554
00:50:14,803 --> 00:50:17,056
Your feet stink.
555
00:50:19,683 --> 00:50:21,644
They don't stink.
556
00:50:26,148 --> 00:50:28,192
Check it out! T&A.
557
00:50:30,152 --> 00:50:32,530
Change it.
You're not supposed to watch this.
558
00:50:32,613 --> 00:50:36,784
- We're supposed to watch TV.
-Not this kind of TV. Change it.
559
00:50:39,620 --> 00:50:41,455
Leave me alone.
560
00:50:43,749 --> 00:50:45,709
That hurts.
561
00:50:58,097 --> 00:50:59,515
Front desk.
562
00:50:59,890 --> 00:51:02,017
- Ted?
-What did I tell you?
563
00:51:02,101 --> 00:51:03,727
Don't bother me
and you'll get milk and cookies.
564
00:51:03,811 --> 00:51:05,479
Now, do you want them or do you not?
565
00:51:05,563 --> 00:51:08,357
I want you to turn off
the nudie station in our room.
566
00:51:08,440 --> 00:51:09,900
I cannot turn on an adult station
567
00:51:09,984 --> 00:51:11,652
without the express permission
of your parents.
568
00:51:11,735 --> 00:51:14,947
No, not turn it on. Turn it off.
569
00:51:15,823 --> 00:51:17,491
It's already on.
570
00:51:18,701 --> 00:51:20,286
That's not what the machine tells me.
571
00:51:20,369 --> 00:51:23,455
Well, stop listening to the machine
and listen to me.
572
00:51:23,539 --> 00:51:25,708
There's naked ladies
dancing on my TV,
573
00:51:25,791 --> 00:51:27,501
and I want them off.
574
00:51:27,585 --> 00:51:31,046
Like I said, I'll be up later
to put you both to sleep.
575
00:51:31,130 --> 00:51:32,506
Goodbye.
576
00:51:33,966 --> 00:51:35,968
Change the channel now!
577
00:51:41,140 --> 00:51:44,101
Man, you're the one
with the stinky feet.
578
00:51:53,235 --> 00:51:54,903
They don't stink.
579
00:51:54,987 --> 00:51:57,573
- Yeah, they do.
-No, they don't.
580
00:51:58,157 --> 00:52:00,242
Here, smell for yourself.
581
00:52:02,703 --> 00:52:04,038
Go ahead.
582
00:52:27,061 --> 00:52:28,395
Go ahead.
583
00:52:47,956 --> 00:52:49,875
Get a bottle opener.
584
00:53:05,140 --> 00:53:06,725
Don't shake it.
585
00:53:10,813 --> 00:53:13,899
- Front desk.
-Ted? Hi, it's me, Sarah.
586
00:53:13,982 --> 00:53:18,987
Who died? No one? Good.
Then don't call me.
587
00:53:19,071 --> 00:53:22,866
I just thought I'd tell you that your
cleaning ladies are doing a bum job.
588
00:53:22,950 --> 00:53:26,995
There's all kinds of leftover stuff here.
Needles and things.
589
00:53:27,538 --> 00:53:29,665
We're not supposed
to have needles, are we?
590
00:53:29,748 --> 00:53:32,292
I mean, they don't come
with the room, do they?
591
00:53:32,376 --> 00:53:35,879
Send someone up here
to clean this place up right.
592
00:53:35,963 --> 00:53:38,257
I told you not to shake it!
593
00:53:38,340 --> 00:53:39,550
I gotta go.
594
00:53:39,633 --> 00:53:43,262
My dumb brother just exploded
the champagne all over the room.
595
00:53:43,345 --> 00:53:45,889
Oh, and bring us up
a couple of toothbrushes.
596
00:53:45,973 --> 00:53:47,433
There's a card
in the bathroom that says
597
00:53:47,516 --> 00:53:51,061
you'll bring us free toothbrushes
if we ask for them.
598
00:53:53,230 --> 00:53:56,150
I'm calling a room.
Give me three numbers.
599
00:53:56,734 --> 00:53:59,445
Four... Zero... Nine.
600
00:54:04,491 --> 00:54:06,034
- Hell0?
- What?
601
00:54:06,118 --> 00:54:08,954
Hi. You don't know me,
and I don't know you either,
602
00:54:09,037 --> 00:54:11,039
but do you have any needles?
603
00:54:11,123 --> 00:54:12,791
We have needles here,
and I was wondering
604
00:54:12,875 --> 00:54:14,251
if they come with the room or not.
605
00:54:14,334 --> 00:54:16,879
We ain't got no needles here, kid.
606
00:54:17,004 --> 00:54:19,757
- No?
- Just a big fucking gun.
607
00:54:20,174 --> 00:54:21,717
Just checking.
608
00:55:15,395 --> 00:55:18,524
This is the bull's-eye.
It's worth 100 points.
609
00:55:19,233 --> 00:55:22,277
This is worth 10 points.
This is worth 20 points.
610
00:55:22,361 --> 00:55:24,196
This is worth...
611
00:55:24,279 --> 00:55:26,990
Hey, wait till I get out of the way!
612
00:55:29,701 --> 00:55:32,079
This is how an expert throws it.
613
00:55:37,543 --> 00:55:41,255
Hello, kiddie-winkies.
I brought your milk and cookies.
614
00:55:41,338 --> 00:55:44,591
You're going to have
to eat them now, because...
615
00:55:45,008 --> 00:55:46,802
You're going to sleep.
616
00:55:46,885 --> 00:55:49,012
We have to go to sleep now?
617
00:55:49,096 --> 00:55:51,890
Your parents said to put you to bed
before midnight.
618
00:55:51,974 --> 00:55:53,851
Well...
619
00:55:54,184 --> 00:55:57,312
Maybe this way, you'll leave me alone.
620
00:55:59,189 --> 00:56:00,983
Those aren't milk and cookies.
621
00:56:01,066 --> 00:56:05,404
Well, we ran out of cookies,
so I brought you milk and saltines.
622
00:56:06,196 --> 00:56:10,033
Now, don't complain. Hurry up and eat.
You're going to bed.
623
00:56:10,117 --> 00:56:11,618
They're old.
624
00:56:11,702 --> 00:56:15,122
Dip them in the milk.
The milk will make them soft.
625
00:56:23,422 --> 00:56:24,882
No crackers?
626
00:56:25,507 --> 00:56:27,050
Sleepy time.
627
00:56:27,134 --> 00:56:29,094
Now, I don't want you
wandering around,
628
00:56:29,177 --> 00:56:31,638
so if you need the rest room...
629
00:57:05,255 --> 00:57:06,632
What about our pyjamas?
630
00:57:06,715 --> 00:57:09,051
You wanna look nice in case
there's an earthquake, don't you?
631
00:57:09,134 --> 00:57:12,179
- Yeah.
-Well, then stay in those clothes.
632
00:57:12,262 --> 00:57:15,015
This is some Mentholatum ointment.
633
00:57:15,098 --> 00:57:16,183
Now, under the covers
634
00:57:16,266 --> 00:57:18,977
and close your eyes,
and I'll tell you a story.
635
00:57:19,061 --> 00:57:21,355
Your dad says he hates baby-sitters,
doesn't trust them.
636
00:57:21,438 --> 00:57:24,191
Well, can't say I blame him, really.
637
00:57:24,274 --> 00:57:27,819
You know what my baby-sitter
did to me when I was a kid?
638
00:57:27,903 --> 00:57:29,404
I used to hate going to sleep.
639
00:57:29,488 --> 00:57:32,240
You know, it's late, you wanna get up,
run around, go crazy.
640
00:57:32,324 --> 00:57:35,243
Well, what my baby-sitter
used to do to me,
641
00:57:35,327 --> 00:57:37,996
to make sure I'd stay in bed,
not be tempted to get up,
642
00:57:38,080 --> 00:57:41,667
was she'd take some of
this vapour rub ointment...
643
00:57:44,169 --> 00:57:47,130
And she'd dab a little on each eyelid,
644
00:57:47,839 --> 00:57:50,342
just to make sure I'd stay put.
645
00:57:51,218 --> 00:57:53,971
There. Now you have some, too.
646
00:57:54,638 --> 00:57:58,225
Don't open your eyes
or it'll burn, burn, burn.
647
00:57:58,308 --> 00:57:59,726
What about in the morning?
648
00:57:59,810 --> 00:58:01,770
Well, if you keep your
eyes shut tight all night,
649
00:58:01,853 --> 00:58:04,982
it'll wear off by morning,
but don't open them before then.
650
00:58:05,065 --> 00:58:07,359
Did you ever open your eyes?
651
00:58:07,859 --> 00:58:10,195
Yes, I did, and look at me now.
652
00:58:10,278 --> 00:58:13,490
- We can't.
-Exactly. Good.
653
00:58:16,076 --> 00:58:17,661
You'll do fine.
654
00:58:18,161 --> 00:58:20,205
Sleep tight all night...
655
00:58:21,665 --> 00:58:25,002
And I won't tell your parents
about the champagne.
656
00:58:27,546 --> 00:58:28,964
Good night.
657
00:59:22,225 --> 00:59:23,852
Are you watching TV?
658
00:59:23,935 --> 00:59:27,856
Yep. If you wanna watch,
you better go wash your face.
659
00:59:36,865 --> 00:59:38,283
Be careful.
660
00:59:39,743 --> 00:59:41,328
Give me that!
661
01:00:01,681 --> 01:00:03,767
Hey, what are you doing?
662
01:00:26,164 --> 01:00:27,207
Shut up.
663
01:00:33,588 --> 01:00:34,881
- Ted!
-What do you want now,
664
01:00:34,965 --> 01:00:36,216
for Christ's sakes? Who died?
665
01:00:36,299 --> 01:00:38,760
I don't know, but she's in my bed.
666
01:00:38,844 --> 01:00:41,471
- What?
-There's a dead body in my bed.
667
01:00:41,555 --> 01:00:43,682
Nonsense!
That's just your brother sound asleep!
668
01:00:43,765 --> 01:00:47,853
No! There's a woman's dead body
inside the bed, in the mattress.
669
01:00:48,687 --> 01:00:50,647
- You saw the body?
-Yes!
670
01:00:50,730 --> 01:00:54,025
Impossible!
You've got the ointment on your eyes.
671
01:00:54,109 --> 01:00:57,362
You can't see shit! Now go to sleep!
672
01:01:01,241 --> 01:01:03,743
- Go to sleep!
-I washed it off.
673
01:01:04,661 --> 01:01:08,456
- The Mentholatum?
-Yeah. Didn't you ever think to do that?
674
01:01:09,499 --> 01:01:11,543
Get your ass up here
and call the police,
675
01:01:11,626 --> 01:01:13,211
because there's
a dead body in my bed,
676
01:01:13,295 --> 01:01:15,255
and it smells like shit,
and it looks even worse.
677
01:01:15,338 --> 01:01:16,423
And if you don't help us,
678
01:01:16,506 --> 01:01:18,341
my dad is going to lay you
down right next to her,
679
01:01:18,425 --> 01:01:20,802
I swear to fucking God!
680
01:01:20,886 --> 01:01:22,846
I am coming up there right this minute
681
01:01:22,929 --> 01:01:25,473
and if there isn't a dead body
in that room by the time I get up there,
682
01:01:25,557 --> 01:01:27,934
I'm gonna make one! You!
683
01:01:30,478 --> 01:01:32,063
Little bitch.
684
01:01:35,734 --> 01:01:36,860
Shit!
685
01:01:59,841 --> 01:02:02,010
Cover it up. Cover it up.
686
01:02:07,557 --> 01:02:08,725
Thank you.
687
01:02:19,694 --> 01:02:23,031
Jesus Christ!
What the fuck is going on here?
688
01:02:23,490 --> 01:02:25,367
Your parents are on their way up here.
689
01:02:25,450 --> 01:02:29,162
And I am not
taking responsibility for this mess!
690
01:02:30,705 --> 01:02:33,124
- Check under the mattress.
-For what?
691
01:02:33,208 --> 01:02:36,628
- For the body. Can't you smell it?
-it's your feet.
692
01:02:46,179 --> 01:02:48,598
What the fuck is that?
693
01:02:53,395 --> 01:02:55,563
Police! It's an emergency!
694
01:03:02,362 --> 01:03:06,074
Police! Get someone over here,
right fucking now.
695
01:03:06,324 --> 01:03:08,243
There's a dead whore
696
01:03:08,326 --> 01:03:10,078
-stuffed in the mattress!
-Don't call her that.
697
01:03:10,161 --> 01:03:12,872
Shut up! I'm dead fucking serious.
698
01:03:13,290 --> 01:03:16,084
There's a dead fucking whore
699
01:03:16,167 --> 01:03:19,838
-stuffed in the bed. The fucking bed!
-Stop calling her that!
700
01:03:23,049 --> 01:03:24,217
Fuck!
701
01:04:27,947 --> 01:04:29,783
Did they misbehave?
702
01:04:58,603 --> 01:04:59,979
Emergency?
703
01:05:02,857 --> 01:05:04,150
Just...
704
01:05:16,496 --> 01:05:18,081
Happy new year.
705
01:05:18,164 --> 01:05:20,041
Let me speak to Betty.
706
01:05:20,125 --> 01:05:21,876
Party's over. She probably went home.
707
01:05:21,960 --> 01:05:23,169
She lives there!
708
01:05:23,253 --> 01:05:26,548
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know her.
709
01:05:26,965 --> 01:05:30,218
Well, then get her on the phone.
Tell her it's an emergency.
710
01:05:30,969 --> 01:05:33,012
Who should I say is calling?
711
01:05:33,096 --> 01:05:35,306
You tell her it's Teddy
from work on the phone.
712
01:05:35,390 --> 01:05:37,934
I got some major fucking emergency.
713
01:05:38,935 --> 01:05:41,062
Hi, Ted. I'm Margaret.
714
01:05:41,396 --> 01:05:44,732
You sound down. Has this not been
the happiest of new years?
715
01:05:44,816 --> 01:05:48,570
No, Margaret. This hasn't been
my happiest new year.
716
01:05:48,653 --> 01:05:51,739
This one's starting off
pretty fucking badly.
717
01:05:51,948 --> 01:05:53,324
How come?
718
01:05:53,408 --> 01:05:54,951
Well, Betty
719
01:05:55,160 --> 01:05:58,621
leaves me here all by myself,
and first thing, right off the bat,
720
01:05:58,705 --> 01:06:00,999
I'm fucked by a coven of witches.
721
01:06:01,082 --> 01:06:04,127
You were fucked
by an oven full of witches?
722
01:06:04,210 --> 01:06:07,881
A coven of witches! Not an oven!
723
01:06:08,965 --> 01:06:11,217
Well, one witch in particular.
724
01:06:11,301 --> 01:06:15,805
Was she an old hag with a mole
on her face with hair growing out of it?
725
01:06:15,889 --> 01:06:18,183
No, no, she was very beautiful.
726
01:06:18,266 --> 01:06:19,434
Ted!
727
01:06:22,020 --> 01:06:23,605
What's the problem?
728
01:06:23,688 --> 01:06:27,358
Well, admittedly, that was
the best part of the evening.
729
01:06:28,735 --> 01:06:31,154
It was pretty bloody good, actually.
730
01:06:31,237 --> 01:06:35,200
But it's still a pretty unnerving
way to start off the night.
731
01:06:35,283 --> 01:06:38,036
Sounds like a pretty great way
to start off the night to me.
732
01:06:38,119 --> 01:06:40,163
Why don't we just
skip over the witches?
733
01:06:40,246 --> 01:06:41,706
Skipping the witches.
734
01:06:41,789 --> 01:06:45,084
Right. Later, in another room,
735
01:06:45,168 --> 01:06:49,297
some crazy fucking maniac
sticks a gun in my face
736
01:06:49,380 --> 01:06:52,675
and forces me to play out some
psychosexual drama with his wife.
737
01:06:52,759 --> 01:06:54,844
He made you have
psycho sex with his wife?
738
01:06:54,928 --> 01:06:57,430
No, he didn't make me fuck his wife.
He thought I fucked his wife.
739
01:06:57,514 --> 01:06:59,724
He held me at gunpoint
with a loaded gun!
740
01:06:59,807 --> 01:07:01,142
What kind of gun was it?
741
01:07:01,226 --> 01:07:03,561
I don't know. I'm not a gun guy.
It was big.
742
01:07:03,645 --> 01:07:07,815
- Was it like Dirty Harry's gun?
- Yeah, sort of like that, yeah.
743
01:07:07,899 --> 01:07:11,152
Did it have a real long barrel
or a short barrel?
744
01:07:11,236 --> 01:07:13,363
What difference does it make?
745
01:07:13,446 --> 01:07:15,031
Well, for one thing,
it's a difference between
746
01:07:15,114 --> 01:07:17,742
a .44 Magnum and a Magnum .357.
747
01:07:17,825 --> 01:07:20,995
Who the fuck cares whether
it was a .44 or a .392?
748
01:07:21,079 --> 01:07:22,497
It was a big fucking gun!
749
01:07:22,580 --> 01:07:25,792
It was loaded! And it was pointed
right at my fucking head!
750
01:07:25,875 --> 01:07:27,335
You wanna skip this part, too?
751
01:07:27,418 --> 01:07:30,713
I want you to get Betty on the phone,
right fucking now.
752
01:07:30,797 --> 01:07:32,298
Hold on.
753
01:07:33,049 --> 01:07:35,301
Anybody live here named...
754
01:07:36,261 --> 01:07:37,720
What's her name again?
755
01:07:37,804 --> 01:07:39,013
Betty.
756
01:07:39,472 --> 01:07:40,765
Betty!
757
01:07:41,724 --> 01:07:43,726
What are you screaming about?
758
01:07:44,060 --> 01:07:46,563
- You're Betty?
-Yeah, I'm Betty. It's my fucking place.
759
01:07:46,646 --> 01:07:50,358
- Who the fuck are you?
-I'm Margaret. And this is Ted.
760
01:07:54,195 --> 01:07:56,364
You guys, wanna go to breakfast?
761
01:07:58,491 --> 01:08:00,618
- Let's go to Denny's.
-Later.
762
01:08:00,702 --> 01:08:03,079
Okay, Ted, what's the problem?
763
01:08:03,496 --> 01:08:05,039
Hello, Betty.
764
01:08:06,374 --> 01:08:09,502
"What's the problem?"
I haven't got a problem.
765
01:08:09,586 --> 01:08:13,339
I've got fucking problems.
Plural. Wanna hear?
766
01:08:14,382 --> 01:08:15,550
Sure.
767
01:08:15,633 --> 01:08:18,636
Well, most recently, there's Room 309.
768
01:08:19,262 --> 01:08:23,766
There's this scary Mexican gangster
dude poking his finger in my chest.
769
01:08:23,850 --> 01:08:27,061
There's his hooligan kids
snapping their fingers at me.
770
01:08:27,145 --> 01:08:29,606
There's a putrid,
rotting corpse of a dead whore
771
01:08:29,689 --> 01:08:31,733
stuffed in the springs of the bed.
772
01:08:31,816 --> 01:08:34,068
There's rooms blazing afire.
773
01:08:34,152 --> 01:08:36,696
There's a big fat needle,
from God knows where,
774
01:08:36,779 --> 01:08:39,657
stuck in my leg,
infecting me with God knows what.
775
01:08:39,741 --> 01:08:43,661
And finally, there's me,
walking out the door, right fucking now.
776
01:08:48,082 --> 01:08:50,168
Is that the penthouse?
777
01:08:51,044 --> 01:08:52,170
Yes, it is.
778
01:08:52,253 --> 01:08:54,505
It's the Chester Rush party.
They want something.
779
01:08:54,589 --> 01:08:59,844
Well, tough titty. They're just gonna
have to whistle, because I'm off.
780
01:09:00,303 --> 01:09:02,263
Now, Ted, wait a minute.
I know you're freaked.
781
01:09:02,347 --> 01:09:04,766
I know you're stressed.
You had a real bad night.
782
01:09:04,849 --> 01:09:10,146
Oh, yes, Betty.
I've had a real bad night.
783
01:09:10,605 --> 01:09:12,899
The only thing I ask, is that
you take care of Chester Rush,
784
01:09:12,982 --> 01:09:14,108
and then you can leave.
785
01:09:14,192 --> 01:09:15,276
I don't feel like it!
786
01:09:15,360 --> 01:09:17,487
Ted, he's a very important
guest of the hotel.
787
01:09:17,570 --> 01:09:19,864
In fact, he's the most
important guest of the hotel.
788
01:09:19,947 --> 01:09:21,991
The Mon Signor used to be
a haven for movie stars.
789
01:09:22,075 --> 01:09:24,535
Through the '30s, '40s,
and first half of the '50s,
790
01:09:24,619 --> 01:09:27,580
more movie stars, if you break it down
on a night-by-night basis,
791
01:09:27,664 --> 01:09:30,166
stayed at the Mon Signor than
any other hotel in Hollywood.
792
01:09:30,249 --> 01:09:31,834
Now, we had some hard times
in the '80s,
793
01:09:31,918 --> 01:09:34,212
even though we were the official
hotel of Cannon Pictures,
794
01:09:34,295 --> 01:09:35,963
but we're coming back strong
in the '90s.
795
01:09:36,047 --> 01:09:38,758
And a movie star clientele
is important to that comeback.
796
01:09:38,841 --> 01:09:40,009
Don't you look here...
797
01:09:40,093 --> 01:09:41,511
He probably just wants
some champagne.
798
01:09:41,594 --> 01:09:45,056
You can do that, can't you?
Ted just take care of him.
799
01:09:45,139 --> 01:09:48,226
The entire staff of
the Mon Signor is begging you.
800
01:09:48,559 --> 01:09:52,480
Okay. But you get your ass
down here, pronto!
801
01:09:52,939 --> 01:09:55,358
You're a good man, Ted. Thanks.
802
01:10:04,117 --> 01:10:05,743
Hello, Mr Rush.
803
01:10:06,369 --> 01:10:08,246
Sorry for the delay.
804
01:10:09,122 --> 01:10:10,832
How can I help you?
805
01:10:26,305 --> 01:10:29,475
Get your skanky asses
the fuck out of here.
806
01:10:52,874 --> 01:10:54,375
Room service.
807
01:10:58,671 --> 01:11:00,506
Hello, Theodore.
808
01:11:02,508 --> 01:11:05,428
What the fuck are you doing here?
809
01:11:05,887 --> 01:11:07,430
Having a drink.
810
01:11:08,222 --> 01:11:09,432
Is Sigfried here?
811
01:11:09,515 --> 01:11:11,934
Are you kidding?
He'll probably be asleep till Christmas.
812
01:11:12,018 --> 01:11:14,145
Hey, everybody. The bellboy is here.
813
01:11:14,228 --> 01:11:17,064
- The bellboy's here!
-Oh, my God! Shit!
814
01:11:18,691 --> 01:11:23,029
- Happy new year!
-Enter! Enter!
815
01:11:23,112 --> 01:11:24,614
Hey, bellboy!
816
01:11:28,159 --> 01:11:30,620
Mr Rush, I'm sorry I'm late.
817
01:11:30,703 --> 01:11:33,831
But, I think you'll find
that I have everything you need, sir.
818
01:11:38,503 --> 01:11:41,589
- His name is Theodore.
-Actually, it's not Theodore. It's Ted.
819
01:11:41,672 --> 01:11:43,049
It's Ted, sir.
820
01:11:43,132 --> 01:11:47,720
So, Ted, the bellboy, would you care
for some champagne, as I was saying?
821
01:11:47,804 --> 01:11:49,764
All right, that wasn't what I was saying.
822
01:11:49,847 --> 01:11:51,307
But would you care
for some champagne?
823
01:11:51,390 --> 01:11:53,893
- I'm on duty, sir.
-Duty, schmooty, come on.
824
01:11:53,976 --> 01:11:56,521
It's like Cristal.
It's the very best that they make.
825
01:11:56,604 --> 01:12:00,316
And, I didn't like champagne,
till I had Cristal. And now, I love it.
826
01:12:00,399 --> 01:12:02,318
- Come on!
-If I must, sir.
827
01:12:02,401 --> 01:12:05,446
Yes. As I was saying, chin-chin.
828
01:12:05,530 --> 01:12:08,699
For our purposes, promptness is far
behind thoroughness.
829
01:12:08,783 --> 01:12:10,326
Drink up, lad.
830
01:12:12,411 --> 01:12:14,413
- What do you say?
-Thank you, sir.
831
01:12:14,497 --> 01:12:15,623
No, not, "Thank you."
832
01:12:15,706 --> 01:12:17,583
What do you say
about the tasty beverage?
833
01:12:17,834 --> 01:12:19,085
It's very good.
834
01:12:19,168 --> 01:12:21,170
- Fucking good, Ted. Fucking good!
-Do you have a light?
835
01:12:21,254 --> 01:12:22,421
Let's try it again, shall we?
836
01:12:22,505 --> 01:12:25,591
So, Ted, what do you think
about that tasty beverage?
837
01:12:25,675 --> 01:12:27,134
It's fucking good, sir!
838
01:12:27,218 --> 01:12:30,680
It's fucking Cristal.
Everything else is piss.
839
01:12:30,763 --> 01:12:34,433
- Bellboy. Bellboy. Bellboy!
-Shut up!
840
01:12:34,517 --> 01:12:36,477
You're making
my friend Ted here nervous.
841
01:12:36,561 --> 01:12:40,231
Chill out, man. Chill out, dude.
Pay no attention to Norman here.
842
01:12:40,314 --> 01:12:42,984
He's just... That's from Quadrophen/a.
He's just fucking with you.
843
01:12:43,067 --> 01:12:46,112
Now me, personally,
when I think of bellboy,
844
01:12:46,195 --> 01:12:48,990
I think of The Be/lboywith Jerry Lewis.
845
01:12:49,073 --> 01:12:52,577
- Did you ever see that film, Ted?
-No, sir.
846
01:12:52,869 --> 01:12:55,580
Oh, you should, man.
It's one of Jerry's better movies.
847
01:12:55,663 --> 01:12:58,207
He doesn't say a word
through the entire film.
848
01:12:58,291 --> 01:13:01,419
It's a completely silent performance.
849
01:13:01,878 --> 01:13:03,754
Now how many actors can pull that off?
850
01:13:03,838 --> 01:13:08,009
And I gotta tell you, that guy,
he's gotta go to France to get respect.
851
01:13:08,092 --> 01:13:09,468
That says it all about America,
right there.
852
01:13:09,552 --> 01:13:10,887
You know, just that one little sentence.
853
01:13:10,970 --> 01:13:12,763
That says it all about America,
right there.
854
01:13:12,847 --> 01:13:14,223
The minute Jerry Lewis dies,
855
01:13:14,307 --> 01:13:15,683
every newspaper
in this fucking country
856
01:13:15,766 --> 01:13:18,352
is gonna be writing articles
calling the man a genius.
857
01:13:18,436 --> 01:13:21,772
You know, it's not right.
It's not right and it's not fucking fair!
858
01:13:21,856 --> 01:13:23,649
But why should that surprise anybody?
859
01:13:23,733 --> 01:13:26,152
When the hell has America,
you know, ever been fair?
860
01:13:26,235 --> 01:13:27,695
You know, we might be right
every once in a while,
861
01:13:27,778 --> 01:13:30,197
but we're very rarely fair.
862
01:13:37,121 --> 01:13:39,457
Where shall I put this, sir?
863
01:13:40,416 --> 01:13:42,543
You in a hurry there, Ted?
864
01:13:43,836 --> 01:13:47,089
Well, not particularly.
865
01:13:47,173 --> 01:13:49,842
Good there! Okay, then gotta stop
playing Beat the Clock.
866
01:13:49,926 --> 01:13:51,344
Okay.
Let me introduce you to everybody.
867
01:13:51,427 --> 01:13:53,262
Now, see that girl over there?
868
01:13:53,346 --> 01:13:55,139
All right,
that's our friend from downstairs.
869
01:13:55,222 --> 01:13:56,807
We just met her at the pool.
You seem to be acquainted.
870
01:13:56,891 --> 01:14:00,478
Yeah, Theodore and I go way back,
don't we, Theodore?
871
01:14:00,811 --> 01:14:02,563
Actually, the name's Ted, Angela.
872
01:14:02,647 --> 01:14:06,400
I only let people with loaded guns
pointed at my head call me Theodore.
873
01:14:06,484 --> 01:14:09,403
The man sitting in this chair
with the Jim Beam in his hand,
874
01:14:09,487 --> 01:14:12,156
yelling "bellboy" at you is Norman.
875
01:14:12,448 --> 01:14:14,492
Norman, say hello to Ted.
876
01:14:17,161 --> 01:14:19,121
- What's up, Ted?
-What's up, sir?
877
01:14:19,205 --> 01:14:22,792
And the sociable son of a bitch
in that room over there is Leo.
878
01:14:22,875 --> 01:14:25,920
And the person on the other end
of the phone is his lovely wife Ellen.
879
01:14:26,003 --> 01:14:27,546
- Leo!
-What?
880
01:14:27,630 --> 01:14:29,423
- Say hello to Ted, the bellboy.
-Hold on a second. What?
881
01:14:29,507 --> 01:14:32,760
- Say hello to Ted, the bellboy.
-Here. Come here.
882
01:14:36,514 --> 01:14:38,683
Leo, Leo, Leo, Leo!
883
01:14:38,766 --> 01:14:41,727
- Leo, that is Ted, the bellboy.
-That's me.
884
01:14:41,811 --> 01:14:44,188
The bellboy we called
about 20, 25 minutes ago.
885
01:14:44,271 --> 01:14:47,441
Oh, Ted, the bellboy.
Well, my goodness.
886
01:14:47,525 --> 01:14:50,945
- Glad you could make it, son.
-Glad I could be here.
887
01:14:51,946 --> 01:14:53,447
Ellen, what does punctuality
have to do with love?
888
01:14:53,531 --> 01:14:56,701
- Which brings me to me.
-Will you explain that to me, please?
889
01:14:56,784 --> 01:14:59,912
Chester Rush, Ted.
Pleased to meet you.
890
01:15:00,746 --> 01:15:05,042
- I'm pleased to meet you, sir.
-Chester. Not "sir." Chester.
891
01:15:06,585 --> 01:15:09,088
Chester? Chester.
892
01:15:09,797 --> 01:15:12,883
I'm terribly sorry I haven't
seen the movie yet, sir, but...
893
01:15:12,967 --> 01:15:15,886
No worries. No worries at all.
Don't worry. Don't be sorry about that.
894
01:15:15,970 --> 01:15:19,306
You know, it's just... That's why
God invented video. No problem.
895
01:15:19,390 --> 01:15:21,851
- You got a point, sir.
-But you know what?
896
01:15:21,934 --> 01:15:23,227
A lot of people did see it.
897
01:15:23,310 --> 01:15:24,770
Whole lot of motherfuckers
saw that movie.
898
01:15:24,854 --> 01:15:26,689
- Didn't they? Didn't they?
-A whole lot...
899
01:15:26,772 --> 01:15:31,444
Lot of motherfuckers
saw The Wacky Detective.
900
01:15:32,987 --> 01:15:35,072
The Wacky Detective, sir.
901
01:15:36,449 --> 01:15:38,159
Who drank out of this bottle last?
902
01:15:38,242 --> 01:15:40,453
I said, who drank out of this bottle last?
903
01:15:40,536 --> 01:15:42,872
- What the fuck's wrong?
-it's fucking flat, man.
904
01:15:42,955 --> 01:15:46,167
That's what's fucking wrong.
Goddamn Cristal is fucking flat.
905
01:15:46,250 --> 01:15:48,502
There ain't a goddamn bubble
left in the fucking bottle, man.
906
01:15:48,586 --> 01:15:51,088
Jesus Christ!
What the fuck is going on here?
907
01:15:51,172 --> 01:15:52,840
- Chill out, man.
-Who fucking...
908
01:15:52,923 --> 01:15:54,884
Who the fuck...
Who didn't put the cork in the bottle?
909
01:15:54,967 --> 01:15:57,511
All right? Somebody! I didn't do this!
910
01:15:57,595 --> 01:15:58,971
I was drinking
out of that other bottle there.
911
01:15:59,055 --> 01:16:00,514
Somebody didn't put the fucking cork
in the bottle.
912
01:16:00,598 --> 01:16:02,433
- Who didn't put it in?
-Chester, do you want me to open...
913
01:16:02,516 --> 01:16:03,851
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.
Who didn't put it in?
914
01:16:03,934 --> 01:16:05,436
Do you want me to open
another bottle of champagne?
915
01:16:05,519 --> 01:16:08,522
No, don't you fucking open
another bottle! I got enough right here.
916
01:16:08,606 --> 01:16:10,232
Fucking shit, man.
917
01:16:10,316 --> 01:16:12,526
God, we've opened
enough fucking bottles!
918
01:16:12,610 --> 01:16:13,944
Do you know how much this shit costs?
919
01:16:14,028 --> 01:16:15,112
- No! You don't.
-Yes, I do.
920
01:16:15,196 --> 01:16:17,073
No! You don't! No! You don't!
921
01:16:17,156 --> 01:16:18,783
Because it's fucking free, man.
922
01:16:18,866 --> 01:16:21,786
It's just fucking free
to you fucking assholes.
923
01:16:21,869 --> 01:16:25,623
Shit. I give and I give and I give
and I give and I give.
924
01:16:28,042 --> 01:16:29,960
What was I talking about?
925
01:16:30,044 --> 01:16:32,338
You were saying that
The Wacky Detective
926
01:16:32,421 --> 01:16:34,298
was a very popular movie.
927
01:16:34,381 --> 01:16:39,011
Yes, it was. And it was popular,
very, very popular, before video.
928
01:16:39,428 --> 01:16:43,766
It was popular before foreign.
It was popular before pay TV.
929
01:16:43,849 --> 01:16:46,852
And before free TV. Before all that shit!
930
01:16:47,311 --> 01:16:50,272
- The Wacky Detective was making...
- Ellen, I'm sorry, okay?
931
01:16:50,356 --> 01:16:53,984
Leo! Leo.
What was the final take on domestic?
932
01:16:54,068 --> 01:16:55,611
$72.1 million.
933
01:16:55,778 --> 01:16:58,197
-$72.1 million.
-Ellen, I'm sorry.
934
01:16:58,280 --> 01:17:01,450
That's fucking asses in fucking seats.
935
01:17:01,534 --> 01:17:03,953
You know, it's not your fault.
I didn't mean to hit you both barrels.
936
01:17:04,036 --> 01:17:06,705
But you know, fuck, you know?
I just would like a little consideration.
937
01:17:06,789 --> 01:17:09,583
And my new one, The Dog Catcher,
938
01:17:09,667 --> 01:17:12,211
which, by the way,
is testing right through the ceiling,
939
01:17:12,294 --> 01:17:15,339
all right, is projected
to gross a hundred.
940
01:17:15,422 --> 01:17:18,509
- The Dog Catcher.
- The Dog Catcher, Chester.
941
01:17:24,098 --> 01:17:26,559
- Thank you, sir.
-You got the good stuff.
942
01:17:26,642 --> 01:17:30,729
Now, let's take a look at some of these
goodies you brought us, okay?
943
01:17:31,105 --> 01:17:33,941
Far be it... Far be it for me, Chester...
944
01:17:34,024 --> 01:17:37,069
But I was just wondering, if you
could tell me, what is all that stuff for?
945
01:17:37,153 --> 01:17:39,655
Hey, one thing at a time, man.
I'm not a frog, and you're not a bunny.
946
01:17:39,738 --> 01:17:42,199
- So, let's not jump ahead.
-Very good, sir.
947
01:17:42,283 --> 01:17:43,534
Norman, Norman, Norman,
come on, come on.
948
01:17:43,617 --> 01:17:45,077
I think you might want
to look at some of this shit.
949
01:17:45,161 --> 01:17:47,913
Hey, you're damn skippy.
All right, men.
950
01:17:51,625 --> 01:17:53,752
All right, man. Tell it.
951
01:17:55,129 --> 01:17:56,797
A block of wood.
952
01:17:57,798 --> 01:17:59,133
Continue.
953
01:18:00,634 --> 01:18:03,053
- Three nails.
-Why three nails?
954
01:18:03,137 --> 01:18:04,597
That's how many Peter Lorre asked for.
955
01:18:04,680 --> 01:18:06,640
Continue, Ted.
956
01:18:07,099 --> 01:18:08,767
A ball of twine.
957
01:18:09,518 --> 01:18:12,938
Well, that is definitely a ball of twine.
Continue!
958
01:18:13,856 --> 01:18:16,609
A bucket of ice.
959
01:18:16,859 --> 01:18:18,068
- You into it?
-I'm into it.
960
01:18:18,152 --> 01:18:19,904
All right. Go on!
961
01:18:23,365 --> 01:18:25,576
- A doughnut.
-That's for me.
962
01:18:29,371 --> 01:18:31,832
- A club sandwich.
-That is mine.
963
01:18:35,669 --> 01:18:36,921
And...
964
01:18:38,214 --> 01:18:39,632
A hatchet!
965
01:18:40,591 --> 01:18:43,844
A hatchet as sharp
as the devil himself,
966
01:18:43,928 --> 01:18:45,763
is what I asked for.
967
01:18:45,846 --> 01:18:48,599
Well, sir... Chester. You be the judge.
968
01:18:48,682 --> 01:18:51,393
No, no, no, no. I'll be the judge.
969
01:18:52,228 --> 01:18:54,647
- Careful, sir.
-What do you think?
970
01:18:54,730 --> 01:18:56,982
It's a sharp motherfucker.
971
01:18:57,566 --> 01:18:58,817
Forget the nails and the twine.
972
01:18:58,901 --> 01:19:02,404
Bring all this other bullshit
over to the bar. Come on.
973
01:19:02,488 --> 01:19:05,157
- Let's go. Pronto, man.
-You heard him, Ted. Go ahead.
974
01:19:05,241 --> 01:19:06,575
Right you are, sir.
975
01:19:06,659 --> 01:19:08,285
- Norman?
-Yeah?
976
01:19:08,369 --> 01:19:10,913
Yes, it's my job.
Yes, it's my fucking job.
977
01:19:10,996 --> 01:19:12,081
You know that.
978
01:19:12,164 --> 01:19:13,249
He wanted to stay out late.
979
01:19:13,332 --> 01:19:16,085
I can't fucking...
I went to the Monkey Bar, all right?
980
01:19:16,168 --> 01:19:17,920
Don't yell... I'm not yelling!
981
01:19:18,003 --> 01:19:21,048
Hey! I'm not yelling!
You're the one that's fucking yelling!
982
01:19:21,131 --> 01:19:22,883
Fuck... Don't hang up on me!
983
01:19:22,967 --> 01:19:26,303
Ellen, please don't hang up on me.
Please don't hang up on me.
984
01:19:26,387 --> 01:19:28,764
Goddamn it! I swear to fucking God,
if you hang up on me...
985
01:19:28,847 --> 01:19:31,016
You cut the fucking...
The next fucking call better be...
986
01:19:31,100 --> 01:19:32,977
Because I'm gonna get
a fucking divorce!
987
01:19:33,060 --> 01:19:34,186
- Yo, Leo?
-Fuck!
988
01:19:34,270 --> 01:19:35,604
Another fucking Honeymooners
going on over here.
989
01:19:35,688 --> 01:19:38,190
Fucking, fucking shit, man!
990
01:19:38,274 --> 01:19:39,775
What the fuck is wrong...
991
01:19:39,858 --> 01:19:42,403
What the fuck is wrong
with the fucking bitch, man?
992
01:19:42,486 --> 01:19:43,821
I'm gonna take the fucking car.
993
01:19:43,904 --> 01:19:46,073
I'm gonna drive up
to fucking Mulholland.
994
01:19:46,156 --> 01:19:47,950
I am gonna fucking
drag her fucking ass
995
01:19:48,033 --> 01:19:50,411
and throw her down
Benedict fucking Canyon, man!
996
01:19:50,494 --> 01:19:54,498
- You're still married, man?
-Yeah. I don't fucking know any more.
997
01:19:54,581 --> 01:19:57,042
I swear to Christ, Norman.
I fucking swear to God, man.
998
01:19:57,126 --> 01:19:59,336
What the fuck is wrong...
I treat this fucking bitch like a queen!
999
01:19:59,420 --> 01:20:00,754
- You know that, man.
-I know that.
1000
01:20:00,838 --> 01:20:02,381
So I had a little fucking
too much to drink!
1001
01:20:02,464 --> 01:20:03,757
It's fucking New Year's Eve.
1002
01:20:03,841 --> 01:20:06,051
New Year's Eve.
I can't fucking drive home.
1003
01:20:06,135 --> 01:20:08,595
Okay, Ellen, I'm sorry.
I'm fucking sorry about that.
1004
01:20:08,679 --> 01:20:10,347
What do you want me to do?
Get in a fucking car,
1005
01:20:10,431 --> 01:20:12,182
and go run over six
or seven fucking kids?
1006
01:20:12,266 --> 01:20:14,518
That'd be real fucking nice.
1007
01:20:14,601 --> 01:20:17,896
Man, what the fuck is
the matter with this bitch?
1008
01:20:18,856 --> 01:20:20,024
Fuck!
1009
01:20:21,859 --> 01:20:23,902
What the fuck is all this?
1010
01:20:23,986 --> 01:20:25,487
Block of wood, bucket of ice
and a hatchet, sir.
1011
01:20:25,571 --> 01:20:28,699
Get the fuck out of here.
Chester, talk to me. Norman?
1012
01:20:28,782 --> 01:20:31,869
We now return you to
The Man from Rio, already in progress.
1013
01:20:31,952 --> 01:20:33,662
Oh, my fucking dick is hard already.
1014
01:20:33,746 --> 01:20:35,497
Tell me, Norman,
you're gonna do this shit!
1015
01:20:35,581 --> 01:20:38,667
- I am gonna do it.
-Oh, you are my fucking hero.
1016
01:20:39,084 --> 01:20:41,628
They better, after talking
about it all night. I wanna see a show.
1017
01:20:41,712 --> 01:20:43,047
Come here
and give me a motherfucking hug.
1018
01:20:43,130 --> 01:20:44,214
Right then.
1019
01:20:44,298 --> 01:20:46,675
- Well, if that's everything.
-I got Cedars lined up, man.
1020
01:20:46,759 --> 01:20:48,552
I got a doctor waiting
in the fucking emergency room.
1021
01:20:48,635 --> 01:20:49,970
Fuck the emergency, man.
1022
01:20:50,054 --> 01:20:52,639
I'm gonna grab
his motherfucking car from him.
1023
01:20:52,723 --> 01:20:55,225
Just in case. Hey, just in fucking case.
1024
01:20:55,309 --> 01:20:58,103
- I'll just be off back downstairs, sir.
- Not so fast.
1025
01:20:58,187 --> 01:20:59,438
Fucking treat that bitch
like a queen, man.
1026
01:20:59,521 --> 01:21:02,274
We're gonna walk back
to this little bar here.
1027
01:21:02,358 --> 01:21:05,235
We're gonna sit down,
because we ain't quite through yet.
1028
01:21:05,319 --> 01:21:09,073
Leo. Sit on this little red stool.
Sit down on this little red stool,
1029
01:21:09,156 --> 01:21:13,118
while I explain
the festivities of the evening to you.
1030
01:21:14,870 --> 01:21:17,664
- All right.
-Sir?
1031
01:21:18,290 --> 01:21:19,541
A word in your ear, sir.
1032
01:21:19,625 --> 01:21:21,668
SUFG, SUTG, SUFG, SUFG, SUFG.
1033
01:21:21,752 --> 01:21:24,546
- I treat that bitch like a queen, man.
-Chester.
1034
01:21:24,630 --> 01:21:26,715
That shit don't help,
treating a woman like a queen.
1035
01:21:26,799 --> 01:21:28,675
But am I working?
You know I'm fucking working.
1036
01:21:28,759 --> 01:21:31,470
As long as you don't
break up the furniture,
1037
01:21:31,553 --> 01:21:33,263
I don't give a fuck what you do.
1038
01:21:33,347 --> 01:21:35,015
- Took all your money...
-As far as I'm concerned,
1039
01:21:35,099 --> 01:21:38,310
go ahead, trash the place!
1040
01:21:38,394 --> 01:21:41,438
Oh, but, look, let me explain
what we're talking about.
1041
01:21:41,522 --> 01:21:43,649
Sir, sir, you don't have
to explain anything to me.
1042
01:21:43,732 --> 01:21:45,526
Whatever constitutes a good time,
1043
01:21:45,609 --> 01:21:48,862
as far as you guys are concerned,
well, that's your business.
1044
01:21:48,946 --> 01:21:53,534
Well, no, it's your business too, Ted,
because we want you to take part.
1045
01:21:58,122 --> 01:22:00,082
Take part in what, sir?
1046
01:22:00,165 --> 01:22:01,708
Chester, your way of breaking
the news to him gently
1047
01:22:01,792 --> 01:22:03,419
is scaring the fuck out of him.
1048
01:22:03,502 --> 01:22:05,379
- You think so?
-Just spit it out.
1049
01:22:05,462 --> 01:22:07,714
Okay, you might be right.
Okay, here we go. Okay.
1050
01:22:07,840 --> 01:22:11,760
Thing is, Ted, first off,
1051
01:22:11,844 --> 01:22:13,762
there's nothing homosexual
about what we want you to do.
1052
01:22:13,846 --> 01:22:15,431
I mean, I was thinking
you might be thinking
1053
01:22:15,514 --> 01:22:17,558
that we want you to do
some like weird sex thing.
1054
01:22:17,641 --> 01:22:20,561
You know, like, suck us off,
pee on us, shit like that. You know?
1055
01:22:20,644 --> 01:22:22,688
Nothing, nothing could be
further from the truth.
1056
01:22:22,771 --> 01:22:25,274
- Can I just jump in here for a second?
-No.No.
1057
01:22:25,357 --> 01:22:28,277
My kind of way of telling him is
kind of going all around the world.
1058
01:22:28,360 --> 01:22:30,446
- But it's the journey that's worth it.
-Yeah, well, I see that.
1059
01:22:30,529 --> 01:22:32,865
But, you know, he's been here for
15 minutes and you have, you know,
1060
01:22:32,948 --> 01:22:34,283
-talked about everything but.
-What do you care?
1061
01:22:34,366 --> 01:22:36,827
Why don't you just
shut the fuck up, bitch?
1062
01:22:36,910 --> 01:22:38,537
-"Bitch?"
-Bitch!
1063
01:22:38,620 --> 01:22:41,373
Excuse me, aren't you the one who's
being paid to suck his cock, cork boy?
1064
01:22:42,791 --> 01:22:48,046
Cork boy, man! Business card!
I see a new business card.
1065
01:22:48,130 --> 01:22:50,591
Excuse me, if it please the court.
1066
01:22:50,674 --> 01:22:54,761
Allow me to present
our intentions to Theodore.
1067
01:22:54,845 --> 01:22:58,348
- I second the nomination.
-I move that nomination be closed!
1068
01:22:58,432 --> 01:23:00,601
- Thank you.
-The court is yours, Leo.
1069
01:23:00,684 --> 01:23:02,352
Thank you very much, Chester.
1070
01:23:02,436 --> 01:23:06,565
Ted, you ever seen any of them
old Alfred Hitchcock episodes?
1071
01:23:06,648 --> 01:23:07,733
Yes, sir.
1072
01:23:07,816 --> 01:23:09,401
You ever see the one
called The Man From Rio
1073
01:23:09,485 --> 01:23:12,196
with Peter Lorre and Steve McQueen?
1074
01:23:12,279 --> 01:23:13,447
If you saw it, you'd remember it.
1075
01:23:13,530 --> 01:23:15,449
It's called The Man From Rio
with Peter Lorre, Steve McQueen.
1076
01:23:15,532 --> 01:23:19,036
Anyway, Peter Lorre makes
a bet with Steve McQueen
1077
01:23:19,828 --> 01:23:22,414
that Steve McQueen can't light his
cigarette lighter 10 times in a row.
1078
01:23:22,498 --> 01:23:25,709
Now, if Steve McQueen lights
his cigarette lighter 10 times in a row,
1079
01:23:25,792 --> 01:23:27,753
he wins Peter Lorre's new car.
1080
01:23:27,836 --> 01:23:31,882
But if he does not light his cigarette
lighter 10 times in a row,
1081
01:23:31,965 --> 01:23:35,761
Peter Lorre gets to chop off
Steve McQueen's little pinky.
1082
01:23:36,595 --> 01:23:39,848
Norman and Chester here
just made that same bet.
1083
01:23:40,933 --> 01:23:43,060
Norman has bet his pinky
1084
01:23:44,102 --> 01:23:48,065
that he can light his cigarette lighter
10 times in a row.
1085
01:23:48,148 --> 01:23:49,566
If he does,
1086
01:23:50,359 --> 01:23:53,946
he wins Chester's
1964 Chevy Chevelle.
1087
01:23:54,738 --> 01:23:57,157
Red, fucking, beautiful car.
1088
01:23:57,574 --> 01:24:00,911
If he doesn't,
chop off his fucking pinky.
1089
01:24:00,994 --> 01:24:02,704
What do you think about that?
1090
01:24:10,170 --> 01:24:11,255
You guys are drunk.
1091
01:24:11,338 --> 01:24:13,882
- Yes!
-Of course! Of course we're drunk!
1092
01:24:13,966 --> 01:24:16,093
Teddy, that's why we're here,
but that does not mean
1093
01:24:16,176 --> 01:24:18,387
that we don't know
what the fuck we're talking about.
1094
01:24:18,470 --> 01:24:20,222
I'm gonna tell you what the fuck
I'm talking about.
1095
01:24:20,305 --> 01:24:22,432
I'm gonna tell you what the fuck
I'm talking about.
1096
01:24:22,516 --> 01:24:25,686
I drive a motherfucking Honda
that my sister sold me.
1097
01:24:25,769 --> 01:24:27,104
You hear what I'm saying?
1098
01:24:27,187 --> 01:24:31,358
A little white, motherfucking,
Honda Civic.
1099
01:24:32,276 --> 01:24:33,569
You see this shit?
1100
01:24:33,652 --> 01:24:35,529
-"Hollywood's hottest new star...
-That's me.
1101
01:24:35,612 --> 01:24:38,073
"Next to America's hottest old car."
1102
01:24:38,156 --> 01:24:40,659
- That's the car I own.
-Are you listening to me? Are you?
1103
01:24:40,742 --> 01:24:43,453
Goddamn shit!
Are you listening to me?
1104
01:24:44,955 --> 01:24:47,082
Now you take a good long look
at that there machine
1105
01:24:47,165 --> 01:24:49,793
that this motherfucker
over here's standing next to.
1106
01:24:49,876 --> 01:24:54,256
That's a 1964 nigger-red,
ragtop Chevy Chevelle.
1107
01:24:54,715 --> 01:24:58,719
And I love that car more than
I love hips, lips or fingertips.
1108
01:24:59,052 --> 01:25:03,640
Cut to... We're sitting here celebrating,
getting high,
1109
01:25:03,724 --> 01:25:05,976
-drinking champagne...
-Drinking Cristal.
1110
01:25:06,059 --> 01:25:08,395
When you're drinking champagne,
you say you're drinking champagne.
1111
01:25:08,478 --> 01:25:11,064
When you're drinking Cristal,
you say you're drinking Cristal.
1112
01:25:11,148 --> 01:25:14,276
Whatever that pissity-ass thing is,
we are drinking it, you know.
1113
01:25:14,359 --> 01:25:15,694
And we are watching TV.
1114
01:25:15,777 --> 01:25:19,156
What, what? Hey, hey, hey.
When all of a sudden...
1115
01:25:20,032 --> 01:25:22,868
We flip on Steve McQueen,
Peter Lorre being fucking bad asses.
1116
01:25:22,951 --> 01:25:24,703
- Bad ass!
-Bad asses!
1117
01:25:24,786 --> 01:25:27,664
And I look over at this
funny-looking motherfucker over here,
1118
01:25:27,748 --> 01:25:31,209
and I say, "I'd do that for the Chevelle."
1119
01:25:31,668 --> 01:25:36,298
- That's funny.
-And that's when Chester says...
1120
01:25:37,924 --> 01:25:40,010
"Oh, really?"
1121
01:25:44,389 --> 01:25:46,391
Well, you guys wouldn't be
doing something this stupid
1122
01:25:46,475 --> 01:25:47,768
unless you were really fucking drunk.
1123
01:25:47,851 --> 01:25:49,436
We already told you
we were drunk, Ted.
1124
01:25:49,519 --> 01:25:51,480
That goes without
motherfucking saying.
1125
01:25:51,563 --> 01:25:54,816
Because if we wasn't drunk,
we'd probably chicken out.
1126
01:25:54,900 --> 01:25:57,361
When you're fucked up, you don't lie.
1127
01:25:57,444 --> 01:25:59,613
Man, you tell the fucking truth.
1128
01:25:59,696 --> 01:26:01,156
You want to know what
the fucking truth is?
1129
01:26:01,239 --> 01:26:04,701
The fucking truth is,
my lucky Zippo is gonna win me
1130
01:26:04,785 --> 01:26:06,703
Chester's fucking car.
1131
01:26:08,080 --> 01:26:11,583
Which brings us
to your part in this little wager, Ted.
1132
01:26:11,667 --> 01:26:13,752
I don't have a part, sir.
1133
01:26:16,838 --> 01:26:19,716
Now, Ted, like my old granddaddy
used to always say,
1134
01:26:19,800 --> 01:26:21,593
"The less a man makes
declarative statements,
1135
01:26:21,677 --> 01:26:24,304
"the less apt he is to look
foolish in retrospect."
1136
01:26:24,388 --> 01:26:27,349
- That's quite brilliant, sir.
-Thank you, thank you, thank you.
1137
01:26:27,432 --> 01:26:30,602
Thing is, there are some inherent
obstacles in this undertaking.
1138
01:26:30,686 --> 01:26:32,145
Beside from the obvious.
1139
01:26:32,229 --> 01:26:33,772
First of which, is being the fact that
1140
01:26:33,855 --> 01:26:36,191
I'm not like Peter Lorre
on that TV show.
1141
01:26:36,274 --> 01:26:39,695
I'm not some sick fuck travelling
the countryside collecting fingers.
1142
01:26:39,778 --> 01:26:41,196
All right, you know,
we're all buddies here.
1143
01:26:41,279 --> 01:26:43,198
No one wants Norman
to lose his finger.
1144
01:26:43,281 --> 01:26:45,325
We just want to chop it off.
1145
01:26:45,409 --> 01:26:47,202
You know, if fate doesn't
smile on old Norman,
1146
01:26:47,285 --> 01:26:49,788
we'll put that fucker on ice,
whisk it right to the hospital,
1147
01:26:49,871 --> 01:26:52,499
where, in all likelihood,
they'll be able to sew it right back on.
1148
01:26:52,582 --> 01:26:54,334
Well, hopefully, sir.
1149
01:26:54,418 --> 01:26:56,086
Yeah, well, they sewed
that guy's dick back on.
1150
01:26:56,169 --> 01:26:57,546
They can sew Norman's pinky back on.
1151
01:26:57,629 --> 01:26:59,840
- Yeah, how hard can it be?
-Yeah, good point.
1152
01:26:59,923 --> 01:27:02,300
So, Norman,
he's taken care of, you know.
1153
01:27:02,384 --> 01:27:05,011
His interests have been looked after.
1154
01:27:05,137 --> 01:27:08,265
My interests, on the other hand,
have not.
1155
01:27:08,849 --> 01:27:13,478
I am as emotionally attached to my car
as Norman is physically to his finger.
1156
01:27:13,562 --> 01:27:15,564
That's a very fucking piece
of expensive machinery
1157
01:27:15,647 --> 01:27:17,149
I'm putting on this wager.
1158
01:27:17,232 --> 01:27:19,735
And, you know, if I lose, I lose.
That's fine. That's no problem.
1159
01:27:19,818 --> 01:27:21,278
I have no problem with that.
I'm a big boy.
1160
01:27:21,361 --> 01:27:23,071
I knew exactly what the hell
I was doing.
1161
01:27:23,155 --> 01:27:26,616
But if I win, I wanna win. All right?
1162
01:27:27,284 --> 01:27:31,830
If Norman lights his cigarette lighter
10 times in a fucking row,
1163
01:27:31,913 --> 01:27:33,457
he's gonna have
no emotional problems
1164
01:27:33,540 --> 01:27:36,334
whatsoever about taking my car keys.
1165
01:27:37,127 --> 01:27:39,296
But if I win,
1166
01:27:40,756 --> 01:27:44,968
well, it's not inconceivable
that at the last minute,
1167
01:27:45,552 --> 01:27:51,808
maybe neither Leo or I will be able to
wield the axe.
1168
01:27:52,267 --> 01:27:55,020
- A hatchet, sir.
-Wield the hatchet.
1169
01:27:55,312 --> 01:27:58,398
Which brings us full circle to you, Ted.
1170
01:27:59,107 --> 01:28:01,985
Clear-eyed Ted. Sober Ted.
1171
01:28:02,444 --> 01:28:04,362
Complete-stranger Ted.
1172
01:28:04,905 --> 01:28:06,448
Impartial Ted.
1173
01:28:07,365 --> 01:28:10,786
Just-met-us-and-couldn't
give-a-fuck-about-us Ted.
1174
01:28:11,745 --> 01:28:15,749
We want you to be the dice man.
1175
01:28:18,460 --> 01:28:20,587
Hell of a night, huh, Ted?
1176
01:28:24,382 --> 01:28:26,635
I've got to get out of here.
1177
01:28:28,386 --> 01:28:29,596
Money!
1178
01:28:33,517 --> 01:28:37,145
Ted, I got a $100 bill here
with your name on it,
1179
01:28:37,771 --> 01:28:40,273
whether you do what we ask or not.
1180
01:28:40,732 --> 01:28:44,027
Just to sit back down in
that chair for one minute more.
1181
01:28:44,110 --> 01:28:47,197
I am not gonna cut off
Norman's little pinky!
1182
01:28:47,572 --> 01:28:49,825
Well, maybe you will
and maybe you won't.
1183
01:28:49,908 --> 01:28:51,993
But that has nothing to do
with this $100 bill in my hand.
1184
01:28:52,077 --> 01:28:55,413
In fact, you can tell us all to go fuck off
and walk right out that goddamn door.
1185
01:28:55,497 --> 01:28:57,749
But if you wait 60 seconds
before you do it,
1186
01:28:57,833 --> 01:29:00,085
you're gonna be $100 richer.
1187
01:29:00,710 --> 01:29:03,463
Ted, you're gonna do
whatever you wanna do.
1188
01:29:03,547 --> 01:29:06,967
All we're asking is that you
indulge us for one minute more.
1189
01:29:07,050 --> 01:29:09,636
My friend Chester here is willing to
pay you for that minute.
1190
01:29:09,719 --> 01:29:13,139
Ted, take the money.
1191
01:29:19,980 --> 01:29:22,315
Now, let me get this straight.
1192
01:29:22,816 --> 01:29:25,318
I sit on that stool, listen to what
you have to say for 60 seconds,
1193
01:29:25,402 --> 01:29:26,695
and I get $100?
1194
01:29:26,778 --> 01:29:28,238
Correct.
1195
01:29:28,655 --> 01:29:32,158
And afterwards, I can walk out
that door, no hard feelings?
1196
01:29:32,242 --> 01:29:33,910
None whatsoever.
1197
01:29:37,330 --> 01:29:38,415
You got a deal.
1198
01:29:38,498 --> 01:29:41,293
- Yes! Oh, yes.
-Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes!
1199
01:29:41,877 --> 01:29:43,712
- Ted, good answer.
-Throw it down.
1200
01:29:43,795 --> 01:29:47,257
All right. Leo, you be the timekeeper.
1201
01:29:48,258 --> 01:29:50,468
Norman, give me your watch.
1202
01:29:51,052 --> 01:29:54,389
Let me know when a minute
ends and when it begins.
1203
01:29:55,932 --> 01:29:57,434
You got it.
1204
01:29:57,893 --> 01:30:00,687
- Okay.
-Gentlemen, start your engines.
1205
01:30:08,361 --> 01:30:10,196
- Begin.
-Okay, Ted, pay attention here.
1206
01:30:10,280 --> 01:30:11,698
I'm gonna make two piles
here on the bar.
1207
01:30:11,781 --> 01:30:16,244
One pile, which is yours.
And another pile, which could be yours.
1208
01:30:16,536 --> 01:30:18,371
And what you have to realise,
is we're gonna do this thing
1209
01:30:18,455 --> 01:30:21,625
one way or the other.
1210
01:30:21,708 --> 01:30:26,087
Whether it's you who holds
the axe or a Mexican maid.
1211
01:30:26,713 --> 01:30:29,549
Or some bum we yank off the street.
1212
01:30:29,716 --> 01:30:31,843
You can buy a whole
lot of soup with that pile.
1213
01:30:31,927 --> 01:30:33,178
I'm the closer here. All right.
1214
01:30:33,261 --> 01:30:34,554
I'm a little... I've lost count.
1215
01:30:34,638 --> 01:30:36,514
- How much is on the bar here?
-$600.
1216
01:30:36,598 --> 01:30:38,600
Okay.
Ted, do you know how long it takes
1217
01:30:38,683 --> 01:30:41,436
the average American to count to 600?
1218
01:30:42,312 --> 01:30:44,856
It's a rhetorical question, Ted.
1219
01:30:45,690 --> 01:30:46,900
No, sir.
1220
01:30:46,983 --> 01:30:50,320
About one minute less than
it takes to count to 700.
1221
01:30:50,403 --> 01:30:53,239
Now, Ted, a person's life is filled
with a zillion little experiences.
1222
01:30:53,323 --> 01:30:54,616
Some which are insignificant,
1223
01:30:54,699 --> 01:30:57,035
have no meaning, and,
you know, you forget them.
1224
01:30:57,118 --> 01:31:01,164
Others which you remember for
the rest of your natural life.
1225
01:31:01,581 --> 01:31:06,378
Now, since what we're proposing
here is so unusual,
1226
01:31:06,795 --> 01:31:10,173
so outside the norm,
that this is a good bet
1227
01:31:10,256 --> 01:31:13,677
that this is going to be
one of those incidences that sticks.
1228
01:31:13,760 --> 01:31:15,720
So, since you're gonna be stuck
1229
01:31:15,804 --> 01:31:17,597
remembering this
for the rest of your life,
1230
01:31:17,681 --> 01:31:20,684
you have to decide
what that memory will be.
1231
01:31:21,101 --> 01:31:24,688
So, Ted, are you going to
remember for the next 40 years,
1232
01:31:24,771 --> 01:31:26,690
give or take a decade,
1233
01:31:27,107 --> 01:31:30,735
that you refused $1,000
for one second's worth of work?
1234
01:31:31,027 --> 01:31:36,324
Or that you made $1,000
for one second's worth of work?
1235
01:31:37,033 --> 01:31:38,201
Time!
1236
01:31:38,618 --> 01:31:41,371
So, Ted, what's it gonna be?
1237
01:31:42,288 --> 01:31:43,748
_O
"Yes!
1238
01:31:44,040 --> 01:31:46,626
Always be closing!
1239
01:31:47,043 --> 01:31:49,796
Right here, right now!
Before I change my mind!
1240
01:31:49,879 --> 01:31:52,424
Hear, hear. Go. Let's go.
1241
01:31:52,507 --> 01:31:55,051
Get this shit over and done with.
1242
01:31:56,594 --> 01:31:58,138
Perfect, perfect, perfect.
1243
01:31:58,221 --> 01:32:02,726
This is one of those moments in time
none of us are ever gonna forget.
1244
01:32:03,226 --> 01:32:05,895
- Norman, are you ready?
-I'm ready.
1245
01:32:06,521 --> 01:32:09,733
- Ted, are you ready?
-Ready.
1246
01:32:09,983 --> 01:32:13,445
Okey-dokey, Norman...
1247
01:32:15,572 --> 01:32:16,363
Begin.
1248
01:32:16,364 --> 01:32:16,656
Begin.
1249
01:32:20,326 --> 01:32:22,287
My finger! My fucking finger!
1250
01:32:22,370 --> 01:32:24,080
Chester, my fucking finger, man!
1251
01:32:24,164 --> 01:32:26,249
He cut off my fucking finger!
1252
01:32:26,332 --> 01:32:27,876
Oh! It hurts!
1253
01:32:30,920 --> 01:32:34,674
My fucking finger, Chester!
He cut off my fucking finger!
1254
01:32:37,135 --> 01:32:38,845
Oh, Leo!
1255
01:32:46,019 --> 01:32:47,812
Call Cedars, man! Call fucking Cedars!
1256
01:32:47,896 --> 01:32:49,064
Wrap it up! Wrap it up!
1257
01:32:50,398 --> 01:32:54,152
Yes, hi.
Could I talk to Don Levine, please?
1258
01:32:55,570 --> 01:32:59,282
Why'd you let me do this?
Why'd you let me do this?
1259
01:33:01,910 --> 01:33:04,496
What?
What do you mean he's in surgery?
1260
01:33:04,579 --> 01:33:07,373
He was expecting my call.
He was supposed to be there.
1261
01:33:07,457 --> 01:33:09,375
What?
Who the fuck has plastic surgery
1262
01:33:09,459 --> 01:33:12,337
at 6:30 in the morning
on New Year's Eve?
1263
01:33:12,712 --> 01:33:14,130
Call Cedars, man.
1264
01:33:15,215 --> 01:33:17,050
Leo! Leo!
1265
01:33:17,133 --> 01:33:18,885
I need you to stand still!
I'll be right back!
1266
01:33:18,968 --> 01:33:23,056
- Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck!
-All right! All right.
1267
01:33:23,515 --> 01:33:27,060
- Leo! Leo! Leo! Leo!
-Come on, come on.
1268
01:33:29,020 --> 01:33:31,231
I forgot the finger! I gotta get the...
1269
01:33:31,356 --> 01:33:33,066
It's the finger!
1270
01:33:39,280 --> 01:33:41,908
I got the finger! I got it! I got it!
1271
01:33:45,286 --> 01:33:47,747
Hey, there's a finger right here!
You're on it!
1272
01:33:47,831 --> 01:33:50,625
Come on, come on!
The fucking doors are closing!
1273
01:33:50,708 --> 01:33:53,837
Here. Just put some fucking ice here.
1274
01:33:53,920 --> 01:33:56,339
All right, all right. Let's go! Let's go!
Let's go! Come on!
1275
01:33:56,422 --> 01:33:58,216
- Get up, get up!
-I'm gonna go back to my room.
1276
01:33:58,299 --> 01:34:00,552
- Are you coming or not?
-No, it's been fun. I'll see you.
1277
01:34:00,635 --> 01:34:02,679
Close the fucking door!
1277
01:34:03,305 --> 01:35:03,819
Watch Movies, TV Series and Live Sports
Signup Here -> WWW.ADMITME.APP