1 00:00:10,126 --> 00:00:13,323 And that's your message? My God. 2 00:00:14,731 --> 00:00:16,528 Who...? Who's there? What do you want? 3 00:00:16,699 --> 00:00:20,726 Because all you're gonna get is holes. I... I mean, holes in you... 4 00:00:20,903 --> 00:00:24,498 not my... Hah! Sterling? 5 00:00:24,674 --> 00:00:27,575 - Hello, Mother. - Where the hell have you been? 6 00:00:27,744 --> 00:00:31,578 - I don't know. - What...? And why do you have a cleaver? 7 00:00:36,986 --> 00:00:39,386 "Interoffice fraternization of an intimate nature..." 8 00:00:39,555 --> 00:00:41,819 is prohibited to include but not limited to... 9 00:00:41,991 --> 00:00:44,983 trysts, assignations..." What's this even mean? 10 00:00:45,161 --> 00:00:47,152 It means no more banging coworkers. 11 00:00:47,330 --> 00:00:48,991 Oh, so it doesn't affect you. 12 00:00:49,165 --> 00:00:50,996 Mee-hee. Oh, wait, guess what. 13 00:00:51,167 --> 00:00:53,533 Ow! Hey, this isn't my fault. 14 00:00:53,703 --> 00:00:57,161 It's exactly your fault, idiot. When Mother found out you cheated on Lana... 15 00:00:57,340 --> 00:01:00,832 - Hey, you cheated on Lana plenty. - Yeah, but with starlets, models. 16 00:01:01,010 --> 00:01:03,171 Oh, and one time, two actual princesses. 17 00:01:03,346 --> 00:01:05,306 - Two at the same time? - Yeah, they were sisters. 18 00:01:05,381 --> 00:01:08,441 - Sploosh. - Cyril, you threw Lana away on chicks like... 19 00:01:08,618 --> 00:01:10,279 - Like Carol. - It's Cheryl. 20 00:01:10,453 --> 00:01:12,921 - Exactly, back me up here. - You slept with her too. 21 00:01:13,089 --> 00:01:17,219 When I was bored. Like, stuck at home waiting for the cable guy, or... Oh, hey. 22 00:01:17,393 --> 00:01:19,520 What are you doing Thursday between 9 and noon? 23 00:01:19,695 --> 00:01:20,787 - Ugh. - One and 4? 24 00:01:20,963 --> 00:01:23,022 I'll be doing one of your co-workers. 25 00:01:23,199 --> 00:01:25,360 Well, do it before quitting time Friday. 26 00:01:25,535 --> 00:01:28,060 - Why'd Ms. Archer give us until Friday...? - I did that. 27 00:01:28,237 --> 00:01:30,831 Somebody in this building is gonna have sex with me. 28 00:01:31,007 --> 00:01:32,975 Yeah? You think between now and Friday... 29 00:01:33,142 --> 00:01:35,042 - you can score some roofies? - Heh-heh-heh. 30 00:01:35,211 --> 00:01:38,840 Uh-uh. Pam? I will end you. 31 00:01:39,215 --> 00:01:40,512 Ow! 32 00:01:41,384 --> 00:01:43,352 Where the hell is my staple gun? 33 00:01:43,519 --> 00:01:44,816 I think I saw Cyril with it. 34 00:01:44,987 --> 00:01:48,013 - He went through my desk? - I guess. I mean he said he did. 35 00:01:48,191 --> 00:01:51,319 I don't know why I'm surprised. I mean, can you believe him? 36 00:01:51,494 --> 00:01:53,155 - Cheating on Lana? - Baffling. 37 00:01:53,329 --> 00:01:56,662 Said the kettle. Which is why I started that new policy. 38 00:01:56,833 --> 00:01:58,596 - Yeah? - You idiots run around here... 39 00:01:58,768 --> 00:02:01,202 like it's spring break on South Padre. 40 00:02:01,370 --> 00:02:05,431 - Just sex, sex, sex... - Sexy-sexy, eh? 41 00:02:05,608 --> 00:02:08,202 - Nikolai? - Is from Frederick's of Latvia. 42 00:02:08,377 --> 00:02:10,277 - Mother? What? - Oh, hello, son. 43 00:02:10,446 --> 00:02:12,141 - Nikolai. - Why did he call me "son?" 44 00:02:12,315 --> 00:02:14,283 - What is this? - You mean... 45 00:02:14,517 --> 00:02:17,452 besides incredibly awkward? 46 00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:25,074 Watch Movies, TV Series and Live Sports Signup Here -> WWW.ADMITME.APP 47 00:02:50,052 --> 00:02:54,079 No, I think "incredibly awkward" just about sums it up. 48 00:02:54,257 --> 00:02:55,747 What? Mother! 49 00:02:55,925 --> 00:02:58,257 Nikolai, could I call you back? 50 00:02:58,427 --> 00:03:01,089 I will be here maybe in one hour... 51 00:03:01,264 --> 00:03:04,665 - then I'll try to hit gym, so... - The gym. That'll be the day. 52 00:03:04,834 --> 00:03:06,461 Are you out of your mind? 53 00:03:06,636 --> 00:03:09,196 I must be. Because it looks like you just destroyed... 54 00:03:09,372 --> 00:03:10,999 my Steuben bar set. 55 00:03:11,174 --> 00:03:15,577 - Well, you just destroyed my innocence. - Oh, please, that Brazilian au pair... 56 00:03:15,745 --> 00:03:19,203 - did that when you were 13. - 12. And why does Nikolai Jakov... 57 00:03:19,382 --> 00:03:22,442 the head of the KGB, have a direct line to your office? 58 00:03:22,618 --> 00:03:25,246 Well, you know, from time to time... What...? No. 59 00:03:25,421 --> 00:03:27,651 Just leave that, you'll cut yourself. Sterling. 60 00:03:27,823 --> 00:03:31,418 Why did he just call me son? 61 00:03:31,594 --> 00:03:34,757 - That's often a figure of speech. - Yeah? How often? 62 00:03:34,931 --> 00:03:38,094 Very often. Just not in this case. 63 00:03:38,267 --> 00:03:39,734 I know... Uh... 64 00:03:39,902 --> 00:03:41,699 What? 65 00:03:43,406 --> 00:03:47,365 Terrific. Two Steuben glasses left and you break one. 66 00:03:47,543 --> 00:03:49,773 I'm sorry, Krieger, but it's over. 67 00:03:49,946 --> 00:03:52,813 So here's all your Creedence Clearwater albums back. 68 00:03:52,982 --> 00:03:55,849 - Now a sad moon is on the rise. - I know, devastating. 69 00:03:56,018 --> 00:03:58,282 But it's not you, it's your weak, womanny hands. 70 00:03:58,454 --> 00:04:00,718 - They're not... - It's like being choked by a child. 71 00:04:00,890 --> 00:04:02,824 Which I thought would be hot, but... 72 00:04:02,992 --> 00:04:06,086 - Wait, no, I'll take steroids. - I can't wait. I need a man now... 73 00:04:06,262 --> 00:04:09,891 - with monster-hands. - Oh, like Lana ha... Hey, you. 74 00:04:10,066 --> 00:04:12,057 You know, the whole "monster-hands" thing? 75 00:04:12,235 --> 00:04:14,328 Starting to border on mean. 76 00:04:14,503 --> 00:04:17,666 Oh, you gonna run cry to Ms. Archer, like when Cyril cheated on you? 77 00:04:18,174 --> 00:04:19,801 - Hello. - Ooh-la-la. 78 00:04:19,976 --> 00:04:23,810 Well, at least my ex-boyfriend isn't a noose I made out of extension cord. 79 00:04:23,980 --> 00:04:26,540 Guess what. She wasn't the only one Cyril cheated with. 80 00:04:27,917 --> 00:04:31,148 - And what is that supposed to mean? - Figure it out, Truckasaurus. 81 00:04:31,320 --> 00:04:33,151 Oh, that gives me an idea. 82 00:04:33,322 --> 00:04:37,053 But I already have a father. His name was John Fitzgerald Archer. 83 00:04:37,226 --> 00:04:39,421 He was a fighter ace, and he won the Navy Cross. 84 00:04:39,595 --> 00:04:41,722 - And his men called him... - "Black Jack" Archer. 85 00:04:41,897 --> 00:04:44,559 I know, dear, I know, because I made it all up. 86 00:04:44,734 --> 00:04:46,258 But the military funeral. 87 00:04:46,435 --> 00:04:49,871 - Ready. Aim. - Oh, my God. 88 00:04:50,039 --> 00:04:53,406 - If we miss that train I will go blind. - Fire. 89 00:04:55,177 --> 00:04:56,769 But the 21 gun salute. 90 00:04:56,946 --> 00:05:01,280 I donated 600 bucks to a Junior ROTC team up in Yonkers. 91 00:05:01,450 --> 00:05:04,248 Which they used to go to a competition in Albany... 92 00:05:04,420 --> 00:05:08,288 where they won third place. So a lot of good came out of that. 93 00:05:08,457 --> 00:05:10,721 - So all's well that ends well? - What was I to do? 94 00:05:10,893 --> 00:05:13,555 Tell a 3-year-old his father might be in the KGB? 95 00:05:13,729 --> 00:05:15,287 What? What do you mean might be? 96 00:05:15,464 --> 00:05:19,127 So there may or may not be a few other possibles... 97 00:05:19,302 --> 00:05:21,202 in the mix. 98 00:05:21,637 --> 00:05:22,899 What? 99 00:05:23,072 --> 00:05:25,233 Seriously? You cheated on me with Carol? 100 00:05:25,408 --> 00:05:27,376 - Cheryl. - Exactly. 101 00:05:27,543 --> 00:05:30,171 - And I can explain that. - Well if you'd let me. 102 00:05:30,346 --> 00:05:33,179 Yeah, tell me. How my father might be Nikolai Jakov... 103 00:05:33,349 --> 00:05:37,046 head of the KGB or Len Trexler, head of ODIN! 104 00:05:37,219 --> 00:05:40,188 - Well... - I assume those are my only choices? 105 00:05:41,757 --> 00:05:43,349 Oh, my... Who else? 106 00:05:43,526 --> 00:05:46,120 - Gene Krupa. No, wait. - What? The drummer? 107 00:05:46,295 --> 00:05:48,229 Not Krupa, the other one, with the teeth. 108 00:05:49,799 --> 00:05:51,130 - Buddy Rich. - Oh, my... 109 00:05:51,300 --> 00:05:55,361 - I could never say no to a drummer. - Could you say no to anybody? 110 00:05:55,638 --> 00:05:58,664 I said no to plenty. 111 00:05:58,841 --> 00:06:00,900 - No. No. - Yes. Have sex with me. Please. 112 00:06:01,077 --> 00:06:03,307 - No. - Oh, come on. 113 00:06:03,479 --> 00:06:07,108 - Nobody would ever know. - Pam? Yeah. 114 00:06:07,283 --> 00:06:08,580 - I'd know. - No. 115 00:06:08,751 --> 00:06:11,219 - Let me talk to him. - No. No. 116 00:06:11,387 --> 00:06:15,255 Nikolai, he's not even here. He stormed out, thanks to you. 117 00:06:15,424 --> 00:06:19,258 But I could talk sense into him. After all, I am his father. 118 00:06:19,428 --> 00:06:21,453 Oh. So... 119 00:06:22,832 --> 00:06:25,824 Len Trexler or Buddy Rich? 120 00:06:26,001 --> 00:06:29,266 - Get me that crazy German. Now. - Ow! Ow! 121 00:06:29,438 --> 00:06:31,269 - Hostile work environment. - Shut up. 122 00:06:31,440 --> 00:06:33,931 We are going to kidnap Agent Sterling Archer. 123 00:06:34,110 --> 00:06:36,510 Oh, yeah? Then what, you hurt his feelings? 124 00:06:36,679 --> 00:06:40,274 Then we put new mind-control microchip into his brain. 125 00:06:40,449 --> 00:06:43,009 We use its remote-control capability... 126 00:06:43,185 --> 00:06:46,677 to bring him here, make the papa test. 127 00:06:46,856 --> 00:06:48,881 And if I am Archer's father... 128 00:06:49,058 --> 00:06:52,516 I turn him against his own mother, as Soviet agent. 129 00:06:52,695 --> 00:06:55,721 Make him a, how you say, vole. 130 00:06:56,532 --> 00:06:59,296 - I think you mean mole. Mole. - Huh? 131 00:06:59,468 --> 00:07:04,098 Vole is also rodent, but more closer related to lemming. 132 00:07:11,580 --> 00:07:13,309 Come on, buddy. 133 00:07:20,055 --> 00:07:23,252 Can't you read, ass-douche? You're not supposed to be here without a kid. 134 00:07:23,426 --> 00:07:25,951 As it happens, I am here with a child. 135 00:07:26,128 --> 00:07:28,153 Mani, can we have more money for the sweets? 136 00:07:28,330 --> 00:07:31,060 What? That's not even a real baby. 137 00:07:31,233 --> 00:07:35,431 And that is? I thought you were off to the fair with your prize turnip. 138 00:07:36,806 --> 00:07:39,070 - A tur...? Listen, you kraut puke. - Hello. 139 00:07:39,241 --> 00:07:41,641 Oh, yeah. You should go. 140 00:07:41,811 --> 00:07:43,745 You're lucky his father's not here. 141 00:07:43,913 --> 00:07:47,007 He knows krav maga, he'll kick your balls through your hat... 142 00:07:47,183 --> 00:07:50,118 - you Nazi shit ass. - Mani, these people. 143 00:07:50,286 --> 00:07:53,722 Well, you wanted him to grow up in the city. 144 00:07:53,889 --> 00:07:56,449 Nein, major, not you. Yeah, listening. 145 00:07:56,625 --> 00:07:58,820 And after you take Archer to the... 146 00:08:00,196 --> 00:08:02,061 KGB safehouse on Gansevoort... 147 00:08:02,231 --> 00:08:03,892 you will implant the microchip... 148 00:08:04,066 --> 00:08:05,556 - into his brain. - Got it. 149 00:08:06,602 --> 00:08:11,164 Yeah, seriously. Okay, Uta, we have a job, so... 150 00:08:11,340 --> 00:08:13,672 Where is the diaper bag? 151 00:08:14,510 --> 00:08:18,241 - I forgot where I put it. - Huge surprise. 152 00:08:18,414 --> 00:08:20,814 - Ow! Ow! - Idiot. What is wrong with you? 153 00:08:20,983 --> 00:08:22,183 And just who the happy hell... 154 00:08:22,284 --> 00:08:24,718 do you think you are, hanging up on me? 155 00:08:24,887 --> 00:08:27,947 Oh, you gonna tell your boyfriend, Len Trexler? 156 00:08:28,123 --> 00:08:30,717 - Or maybe Gene Krupa? - It was the other one. 157 00:08:30,893 --> 00:08:33,123 Maybe. Or you, maybe, or... 158 00:08:33,295 --> 00:08:37,356 Whoever it was, he wasn't there to raise Sterling, so I don't need him butting in now. 159 00:08:37,533 --> 00:08:39,125 - We'll see. Nothing. - What? 160 00:08:39,301 --> 00:08:41,292 Nikolai, what are you scheming at? 161 00:08:41,470 --> 00:08:44,928 - Nothing. - Again he hangs up on me. 162 00:08:48,010 --> 00:08:50,911 And there goes the last Steuben. 163 00:08:54,683 --> 00:08:58,175 - Sploosh. That's what I'm talking about. - Yup, yup, yup. 164 00:08:58,787 --> 00:09:01,449 Wait, you think it's safe? 165 00:09:02,758 --> 00:09:04,282 No. 166 00:09:04,460 --> 00:09:07,486 Okay, we got the French chick, and Carol... 167 00:09:07,663 --> 00:09:09,688 - and anybody else, Rambone? - No. 168 00:09:09,865 --> 00:09:11,355 Hi, Cyril. 169 00:09:14,303 --> 00:09:16,828 - Well. Um... - Scatterbrain Jane? Really? 170 00:09:17,006 --> 00:09:19,770 Well, say she had just been diagnosed with breast cancer. 171 00:09:19,942 --> 00:09:23,776 Oh, right. I forgot, your dick's full of radiation... 172 00:09:23,946 --> 00:09:25,777 and mastectomy coupons. 173 00:09:25,948 --> 00:09:29,111 Boy, you are just so determined not to be cool about this. 174 00:09:29,285 --> 00:09:31,753 - Yup. Anybody else? - Um... 175 00:09:32,655 --> 00:09:34,987 Ms. Archer, you're trying to seduce me. 176 00:09:36,592 --> 00:09:37,991 Aren't you? 177 00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:40,355 - Nope, no, no one. - Okay, okay, okay. 178 00:09:40,529 --> 00:09:42,622 - Okay, get out. - Of my own office? 179 00:09:42,798 --> 00:09:44,060 - Yup. - Why? 180 00:09:44,233 --> 00:09:46,394 Oh, you don't wanna be here... 181 00:09:46,569 --> 00:09:48,833 when I bang every last dude in the building. 182 00:09:49,004 --> 00:09:50,528 - What? - Here on your blotter. 183 00:09:50,706 --> 00:09:51,730 - No! - Yup! 184 00:09:51,907 --> 00:09:55,035 - You can't do that. - Really? Is it Opposite Day already? 185 00:09:56,412 --> 00:09:59,813 Uh... Attention? Hi, this is Agent Kane... 186 00:09:59,982 --> 00:10:03,315 and if you wanna have ball-slappy sex with me on Cyril's desk... 187 00:10:03,485 --> 00:10:05,817 please line up and take a number. 188 00:10:07,323 --> 00:10:10,315 You heard the lady. Take a number. 189 00:10:11,694 --> 00:10:15,630 Eighty-sixed? Uh-uh. You don't eighty-six me. 190 00:10:15,798 --> 00:10:19,256 Because my dad won the Navy Cross. 191 00:10:21,971 --> 00:10:25,429 - Here's the door. - Help. Please help me. 192 00:10:25,608 --> 00:10:28,372 My baby. He swallowed something, he's choking. 193 00:10:30,079 --> 00:10:32,547 Oh, who gives a shit about a baby? 194 00:10:33,949 --> 00:10:37,180 Who would want to raise a child here? 195 00:10:38,387 --> 00:10:42,551 - Well, that was a huge waste of time. - I said don't take your clothes off. 196 00:10:42,725 --> 00:10:45,717 - Well. Well! - Begged, even. Okay, this is good to go. 197 00:10:45,894 --> 00:10:48,556 - So was this. - So let's get number two in here. 198 00:10:48,731 --> 00:10:51,894 - You really think this is gonna work? - Pam, look at me. 199 00:10:52,067 --> 00:10:54,365 Yeah... Sploosh. 200 00:10:55,738 --> 00:10:58,400 - Now serving number two. - I'm two. 201 00:10:59,241 --> 00:11:01,641 - That's me! Move, dude. - Animals. 202 00:11:01,810 --> 00:11:05,769 - You're all just animals. - Lying in wait at the watering hole... 203 00:11:05,948 --> 00:11:08,974 taut buttocks all aquiver, just aching to pounce... 204 00:11:09,151 --> 00:11:11,415 on the supple brown flesh of your woman. 205 00:11:11,587 --> 00:11:13,248 - Shut up. - They're gonna mess her up. 206 00:11:13,422 --> 00:11:14,946 - Why are you even here? - Hello. 207 00:11:15,124 --> 00:11:18,787 - But you're gay. - Girl, please. Nobody's that gay. 208 00:11:18,961 --> 00:11:20,792 - Wait, what? - What, what? 209 00:11:20,963 --> 00:11:23,295 What part of you pay me 600 dollars do you not get? 210 00:11:23,465 --> 00:11:25,956 The part where we don't have sex? 211 00:11:26,135 --> 00:11:27,625 You get to say we did. 212 00:11:27,803 --> 00:11:30,033 Which is, like, half the reason men have sex. 213 00:11:30,205 --> 00:11:31,695 But that's a lot of money. 214 00:11:31,874 --> 00:11:34,138 - Not compared to rotator cuff surgery. - What? 215 00:11:34,309 --> 00:11:36,834 Which you're gonna need after the jillion high-fives... 216 00:11:37,012 --> 00:11:38,980 you give your little bros. 217 00:11:39,815 --> 00:11:42,010 - Okay, I'm in. - But first guy you tell is Cyril. 218 00:11:42,184 --> 00:11:45,153 - And make up the sickest... - Yeah, shut up, do you take plastic? 219 00:11:45,320 --> 00:11:48,551 - Five percent discount for cash. - I thought it was ten. 220 00:11:48,724 --> 00:11:51,591 Oh, oh, oh, I can't wet my beak? 221 00:11:53,562 --> 00:11:56,224 Hey, seriously, kidnappers... 222 00:11:56,398 --> 00:11:58,593 super not in the mood for this right now. 223 00:12:00,235 --> 00:12:01,725 Or that. What is that? 224 00:12:02,538 --> 00:12:03,732 Is that a drill? 225 00:12:03,906 --> 00:12:05,635 - Okay, so. - I don't want that. 226 00:12:05,808 --> 00:12:09,175 - I make a klein hole in his skull with this. - Just shut that off. 227 00:12:09,344 --> 00:12:12,541 - Then into the hole I smoosh this. - What is that? 228 00:12:12,715 --> 00:12:14,740 And then they can control his brain. 229 00:12:15,584 --> 00:12:17,449 But is Soviet technology... 230 00:12:17,619 --> 00:12:20,349 - so it's a crapshoot. - This is amazing, no? 231 00:12:20,522 --> 00:12:23,389 What is amazing is we just ran into him on the street. 232 00:12:23,559 --> 00:12:26,528 - It's a huge city. - Hey. Hey! Proposition. 233 00:12:26,695 --> 00:12:28,959 First person to untie me, guy or gal... 234 00:12:29,131 --> 00:12:32,794 - I will let him or her give me a handy. - Ugh. 235 00:12:32,968 --> 00:12:36,734 - Let's share the milk of human kindness. - What an asshole. 236 00:12:36,905 --> 00:12:41,137 - Don't worry, your time is coming. - Wait, by time do you mean me? 237 00:12:41,310 --> 00:12:44,279 And by "don't worry", do you mean the chick's gonna be doing the handy? 238 00:12:45,781 --> 00:12:48,147 And either way, can we do it without that thing? 239 00:12:48,317 --> 00:12:49,579 Hey, seriously. 240 00:12:50,452 --> 00:12:52,682 Give me a hanjo. 241 00:13:02,664 --> 00:13:04,723 It doesn't work. 242 00:13:04,900 --> 00:13:09,234 I drill hole in head of man who maybe is my son. 243 00:13:09,404 --> 00:13:12,373 Put chip in his brain... 244 00:13:12,541 --> 00:13:16,500 and now you tell me it doesn't work. 245 00:13:16,678 --> 00:13:18,805 You should have asked me before, you... 246 00:13:18,981 --> 00:13:21,609 See, in testing we have had teensy problem... 247 00:13:21,784 --> 00:13:23,775 with signal from satellite. 248 00:13:23,952 --> 00:13:27,615 When it is in small window just over the target... 249 00:13:27,790 --> 00:13:29,417 it can signal the chip. 250 00:13:32,261 --> 00:13:34,252 But when it exits this window. 251 00:13:34,797 --> 00:13:38,255 - Ahh. - This problem does not sound teensy! 252 00:13:38,433 --> 00:13:41,197 It is compared to the problem we had... 253 00:13:41,370 --> 00:13:43,395 with interference from cell phones. 254 00:13:47,376 --> 00:13:52,279 Which in lab sent test subjects into ferocious homicidal rages. 255 00:13:52,447 --> 00:13:55,143 So obviously we need to tweak it. 256 00:13:55,684 --> 00:13:58,050 Damn that crazy, jealous Russian. 257 00:13:58,220 --> 00:14:01,678 Bet he's hatching some half-assed, vodka-soaked scheme to... 258 00:14:01,857 --> 00:14:05,224 - Hello? Ha! - Sterling? Sterling, listen very... Wha...? 259 00:14:05,394 --> 00:14:07,487 Voicemail. You know what to do. 260 00:14:07,663 --> 00:14:09,460 - We're sorry. - Damn it. 261 00:14:09,631 --> 00:14:11,792 Carol? Carol. 262 00:14:11,967 --> 00:14:13,901 And just where the hell is she? 263 00:14:17,806 --> 00:14:21,606 - Oh, God, sorry. Sorry. - Ahh... 264 00:14:21,777 --> 00:14:24,974 - What are you doing? - I thought you said start slacking off. 265 00:14:25,147 --> 00:14:28,048 Not slacking off. 266 00:14:28,750 --> 00:14:31,241 Dude, swear to God. She gave me a Jane Hathaway. 267 00:14:31,420 --> 00:14:35,049 Right on my chest. My man knows what I'm talking about. 268 00:14:35,224 --> 00:14:38,159 Doesn't anyone work around here? And Cyril... 269 00:14:38,327 --> 00:14:42,525 I am so disgusted with you right now I just wanna vomit. 270 00:14:43,999 --> 00:14:45,694 That's exactly what I said to Lana. 271 00:14:49,438 --> 00:14:51,497 Thirty-seven. Thirty-seven. 272 00:14:51,673 --> 00:14:52,731 Ooh. 273 00:14:54,943 --> 00:14:56,843 - Uh... Move. - Ugh. 274 00:14:58,413 --> 00:14:59,812 Just get it done by Friday. 275 00:15:18,233 --> 00:15:21,725 Oh, come on Sterling, pick up, pick... 276 00:15:21,904 --> 00:15:24,304 Sterling? Sterling? What's wrong, are you in...? 277 00:15:24,473 --> 00:15:27,408 Ha. Alternate voicemail. 278 00:15:27,643 --> 00:15:30,111 - You know what to do, stupid. - We're sorry... 279 00:15:30,279 --> 00:15:32,907 I'm done. He's dead to me. 280 00:15:33,715 --> 00:15:34,739 Mother. 281 00:15:37,920 --> 00:15:39,353 Kill Mother. 282 00:15:44,526 --> 00:15:46,721 Oh, my God, I'm exhausted. 283 00:15:46,895 --> 00:15:48,829 Whereas I am merely confused. 284 00:15:48,997 --> 00:15:51,227 If you told every guy the same thing... 285 00:15:51,400 --> 00:15:54,392 then they all know that none of them had sex with you. 286 00:15:54,569 --> 00:15:57,561 - They're all gonna realize they're all lying. - Hey, yeah. 287 00:15:57,739 --> 00:16:01,505 - Wait a minute. - But remember, they're dudes. 288 00:16:01,677 --> 00:16:03,304 - What? - Um... 289 00:16:03,478 --> 00:16:06,072 - I had sex with Lana. - Me too. 290 00:16:06,248 --> 00:16:09,513 - Lana Kane, you magnificent bastard. - Mwah. 291 00:16:09,685 --> 00:16:13,485 - I just hope Cyril don't, like, snap. - Cyril? Snap? 292 00:16:13,655 --> 00:16:15,748 - Snap. - Girl, please. 293 00:16:16,725 --> 00:16:20,286 Seven, six, two, millimeter... 294 00:16:20,462 --> 00:16:22,453 full metal jacket... 295 00:16:23,832 --> 00:16:25,129 Someone's in here. 296 00:16:25,634 --> 00:16:28,728 Holy shit snacks. You made over 20 grand. 297 00:16:28,904 --> 00:16:30,166 Minus my sixty bucks. 298 00:16:30,339 --> 00:16:32,807 Plus Cyril's broken heart. Not too shabs, Pam. 299 00:16:32,975 --> 00:16:35,569 Are you kidding? 36 guys? 300 00:16:35,744 --> 00:16:37,735 It's like Schindler's List up in here. 301 00:16:38,113 --> 00:16:40,274 - Pam! - And I'm like that little Gandhi dude. 302 00:16:40,449 --> 00:16:42,314 - Pam. - Helping out with the books, and... 303 00:16:42,484 --> 00:16:46,750 Inappropriate analogies? What the hell is wrong with you? 304 00:16:46,922 --> 00:16:50,483 Nothing. I'm a desirable... 305 00:16:50,659 --> 00:16:54,425 full-bodied woman but nobody will have sex with me. 306 00:16:54,596 --> 00:16:58,157 And I have so much love to give. 307 00:17:01,003 --> 00:17:03,096 - Get on the desk. - Really? 308 00:17:03,271 --> 00:17:05,330 Yeah, come on. Before I change my mind. 309 00:17:05,507 --> 00:17:09,500 - But you cannot say a word. - I won't tell anybody. 310 00:17:09,678 --> 00:17:11,145 No, honey, I mean during. 311 00:17:11,313 --> 00:17:13,781 Cause I'm gonna pretend you're Alex Karras. 312 00:17:19,988 --> 00:17:23,355 And that's your message? My God, who...? 313 00:17:24,726 --> 00:17:25,954 Who's there? What do you want? 314 00:17:26,128 --> 00:17:30,155 Because all you're gonna get is holes. I... I mean holes in you... 315 00:17:30,332 --> 00:17:31,356 not my... Hah! 316 00:17:32,734 --> 00:17:35,168 - Sterling? - Hello, Mother. 317 00:17:35,337 --> 00:17:36,998 Where the hell have you been? 318 00:17:37,172 --> 00:17:40,630 - I don't know. - And why do you have a cleaver? 319 00:17:43,345 --> 00:17:47,213 - I don't know. - Well, you're safe now. So get out. 320 00:17:47,382 --> 00:17:50,146 - I'm hungry. - So lick that coat. You smell like a... 321 00:17:50,318 --> 00:17:52,309 - Grilled cheese. - What? 322 00:17:52,487 --> 00:17:55,650 - Grill me a cheese. - I'm not grilling you a cheese. 323 00:17:59,728 --> 00:18:01,889 Oh, for God's sake. 324 00:18:02,831 --> 00:18:06,392 Waltz in here, dressed like some sort of cattle-rapist. 325 00:18:06,568 --> 00:18:09,264 Waving a cleaver and reeking of what I hope to God is meat. 326 00:18:09,438 --> 00:18:10,962 And that's all you have to say? 327 00:18:11,139 --> 00:18:14,074 - I don't know. - I was worried sick. Called you twice... 328 00:18:14,242 --> 00:18:15,800 came this close to leaving... 329 00:18:15,977 --> 00:18:20,004 And why doesn't your voicemail just say, "Leave a message, I'm a jackass"? 330 00:18:20,182 --> 00:18:22,343 - I don't know. - I don't know. I don't know. 331 00:18:22,517 --> 00:18:23,848 What is wrong with you? 332 00:18:24,019 --> 00:18:26,249 My head hurts. And I have no father. 333 00:18:26,421 --> 00:18:28,753 Sterling, of course you have a father. 334 00:18:28,924 --> 00:18:31,290 - Just maybe not the one you wanted. - And you... 335 00:18:31,460 --> 00:18:34,088 And me neither. Because even though that whole weekend... 336 00:18:34,262 --> 00:18:37,925 is just a big jazzy blur, I'm pretty sure it wasn't Buddy. 337 00:18:38,100 --> 00:18:42,503 - And all these years, you lied to me. - Sterling, I was protecting you. 338 00:18:42,671 --> 00:18:44,366 From what, this sandwich? 339 00:18:44,539 --> 00:18:47,940 - This is Swiss, Mother! - Because that's all I had. You ass. 340 00:18:48,110 --> 00:18:51,807 - Just like I'm all that you have. - Well, I hate it. And I hate you. 341 00:18:51,980 --> 00:18:54,778 Sterling Malory Archer, you will eat... 342 00:18:54,950 --> 00:18:58,977 every last crumb of that sandwich. 343 00:18:59,488 --> 00:19:02,286 - No. - Then get out. I'll call you a cab. 344 00:19:03,959 --> 00:19:05,392 Sterling, stop that this instant. 345 00:19:07,129 --> 00:19:09,290 - Kill Mother. - Waah! 346 00:19:09,464 --> 00:19:11,364 Ah. Kill Mother. 347 00:19:12,200 --> 00:19:15,033 Police, police, have to call the... Waah! 348 00:19:15,203 --> 00:19:20,402 Déja vu, huh? I'm having a nightmare and you lock me out of your bedroom? 349 00:19:20,575 --> 00:19:24,136 - Sterling, no, stay back. - Only this time, you'll be crying for help. 350 00:19:24,312 --> 00:19:26,280 - Sterling! - And I'll be the one drinking... 351 00:19:26,448 --> 00:19:30,475 - and laughing in there with Uncle Buddy! - Sterling, I'm warning you. 352 00:19:32,053 --> 00:19:33,748 Sterling! 353 00:19:37,492 --> 00:19:38,754 Sterling? 354 00:19:39,394 --> 00:19:41,919 Sterling. Sterling! 355 00:19:42,097 --> 00:19:44,258 What? God. 356 00:19:45,400 --> 00:19:49,461 Well, whose fault is that? Waving a cleaver, screaming in Russian? 357 00:19:49,638 --> 00:19:50,696 - I'm sorry. - Ass. 358 00:19:50,872 --> 00:19:53,306 Seriously, I don't know what's going on with my head. 359 00:19:53,475 --> 00:19:56,911 Filthy coat, can't tell what's cow's blood and what's yours. 360 00:19:57,078 --> 00:19:58,978 The wet blood, Mother, is mine. 361 00:19:59,147 --> 00:20:01,240 - And it's ruining my brand-new linens. - Sorry. 362 00:20:01,416 --> 00:20:04,817 - This is why I can't have nice things. - Why, because you shoot them? 363 00:20:04,986 --> 00:20:07,477 Serves you right. You nearly scared me to death. 364 00:20:07,656 --> 00:20:10,682 Well, you obviously weren't that scared, judging by your grouping. 365 00:20:10,859 --> 00:20:13,589 - Uhn. - Hah. Guess the old gal's still got it. 366 00:20:13,762 --> 00:20:17,095 - All six, right in the ten ring. - Hooray. 367 00:20:17,265 --> 00:20:19,927 Just like I taught you. Without any help from... 368 00:20:20,101 --> 00:20:23,332 - whoever your father is. - Yeah, you were always there for me. 369 00:20:23,505 --> 00:20:27,407 - Which I never really thank you for. - Sterling, I don't need thanks. 370 00:20:27,576 --> 00:20:30,272 That's what makes me such a wonderful mother. 371 00:20:30,445 --> 00:20:32,845 - Ha-ha. Are you kidding? - Don't be shitty. 372 00:20:33,014 --> 00:20:36,575 - Can't we just enjoy the moment? - Yeah, how could we not? 373 00:20:39,221 --> 00:20:40,381 Ass. 373 00:20:41,305 --> 00:21:41,379 Watch Movies, TV Series and Live Sports Signup Here -> WWW.ADMITME.APP