1
00:00:04,004 --> 00:00:08,065
So if you want paper towels in there,
you'll just have to supply your own.

2
00:00:08,274 --> 00:00:09,536
ARCHER: Are you kidding?
LANA: Come on.

3
00:00:09,743 --> 00:00:11,973
- Where do you get paper towels?
- And last item.

4
00:00:12,178 --> 00:00:15,807
On a related note,
I have no choice but to cut salaries.

5
00:00:16,016 --> 00:00:17,711
ARCHER: First the towels, now this.
LANA: Come on.

6
00:00:17,917 --> 00:00:19,544
Eight percent, across the board.

7
00:00:19,753 --> 00:00:21,880
CYRIL: Jeez.
- And let's just put a lid on it.

8
00:00:22,088 --> 00:00:25,819
- Do we have to supply our own lids?
- Look, I didn't invent the economy.

9
00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:29,723
And until ISIS gets in the black,
we all have to make some sacrifices so...

10
00:00:29,929 --> 00:00:30,918
[INTERCOM BEEPS]

11
00:00:31,131 --> 00:00:32,792
CHERYL:
Line one for you. It's your furrier.

12
00:00:32,999 --> 00:00:34,728
LANA:
Unbelievable.

13
00:00:34,934 --> 00:00:39,428
- We have to cut back...
- But you're buying new horseshoes.

14
00:00:40,006 --> 00:00:42,065
Tell him to send over the gray fox.

15
00:00:42,275 --> 00:00:43,674
See? Sacrifice.

16
00:00:43,877 --> 00:00:46,209
At this rate,
I'll be reduced to wearing nutria.

17
00:00:46,413 --> 00:00:48,540
Yeah, and your horse,
with his fancy new shoes.

18
00:00:48,748 --> 00:00:51,080
- Oh, for the... That's a farrier.
- I know.

19
00:00:51,284 --> 00:00:54,310
And this is Conrad Schlotz.

20
00:00:54,521 --> 00:00:57,820
Herr Schlotz controls all of Europe's
videotex services.

21
00:00:58,024 --> 00:01:01,892
- Videotex? Wow, growth industry.
- So he's worth billions.

22
00:01:02,095 --> 00:01:04,620
And I want to convince him
to invest in ISIS.

23
00:01:04,831 --> 00:01:06,423
Well, that's gonna be a tough sell.

24
00:01:06,633 --> 00:01:07,622
[LANA GROANS]

25
00:01:07,834 --> 00:01:11,736
Ahem. We've posted losses
for 15 straight quarters so...

26
00:01:11,938 --> 00:01:15,101
That's why you're going to cook up
a different set of books, Cyril.

27
00:01:15,308 --> 00:01:18,004
- Oh, no, I'm not comfortable with that.
- No?

28
00:01:18,211 --> 00:01:22,011
Think you'd be more comfortable
on another little vacation upstate?

29
00:01:22,215 --> 00:01:25,707
No, I was dating Lana,
but since I suffer from sexual addiction...

30
00:01:25,919 --> 00:01:28,979
...which these quacks deny is even real,
now they're treating me for...

31
00:01:29,189 --> 00:01:33,853
Can somebody please
shut up that damn coyote?!

32
00:01:34,227 --> 00:01:35,251
Clormatrazapam?

33
00:01:35,462 --> 00:01:37,362
No. No, I would not.

34
00:01:37,564 --> 00:01:40,795
- So unless you want me to send you back...
- I will start cooking the books.

35
00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:43,195
- Good thing you know how to cheat. What?
- Hey.

36
00:01:43,403 --> 00:01:46,566
Enough. Now, then,
this is a two-prong operation.

37
00:01:46,773 --> 00:01:50,937
The books are prong one
while prong two is El Frente Rojo.

38
00:01:51,144 --> 00:01:53,476
- Derby Day wore that exact same hat.
- Shock.

39
00:01:53,680 --> 00:01:56,080
Herr Schlotz fears
they may attempt a kidnapping...

40
00:01:56,282 --> 00:01:59,479
...during a birthday party he's throwing
this weekend in Gstaad.

41
00:01:59,686 --> 00:02:00,914
- Ach, Gstaad.
- Gstaad?

42
00:02:01,121 --> 00:02:03,089
- Oh, yeah, count me in.
- Yeah, and me out.

43
00:02:03,289 --> 00:02:05,883
I'm not getting frostbite
protecting some old German guy.

44
00:02:06,092 --> 00:02:09,994
Herr Schlotz isn't the intended victim.
It's his daughter, Anka.

45
00:02:10,196 --> 00:02:12,494
ARCHER: Who obviously needs someone
on her constantly.

46
00:02:12,699 --> 00:02:16,157
So I will be that someone
who is constantly on her.

47
00:02:16,369 --> 00:02:17,631
- Oh, please.
- Tongue back in.

48
00:02:17,837 --> 00:02:20,465
For God's sake,
Sterling, she's turning 17.

49
00:02:20,673 --> 00:02:22,732
- Oh. Ew. Sorry.
- Even for you, Archer.

50
00:02:22,942 --> 00:02:25,342
Come on. She doesn't look like
she's just turning 17.

51
00:02:25,545 --> 00:02:27,410
No, she looks like
she's just turning 18.

52
00:02:27,614 --> 00:02:30,549
Exactly. Plus Europeans use
the metric system...

53
00:02:30,750 --> 00:02:35,585
Sterling Malory Archer, you will not touch
a single hair on that girl.

54
00:02:35,788 --> 00:02:39,121
Uh... See? How I let that just go by?

55
00:02:39,325 --> 00:02:40,758
Look at me.

56
00:02:40,960 --> 00:02:42,825
I am the perfect gentleman.

57
00:02:44,000 --> 00:02:50,074
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.

58
00:03:19,132 --> 00:03:21,794
ARCHER:
No. This is completely unacceptable.

59
00:03:22,001 --> 00:03:25,732
I mean, cutbacks, I get it, but you cannot
expect me to share a room with Ray.

60
00:03:25,939 --> 00:03:27,201
Oh, I'll be gentle.

61
00:03:27,407 --> 00:03:29,534
Mother, you know
what he's implying, right?

62
00:03:29,742 --> 00:03:33,405
Stop whining. We're all making do.
Why, I'm sharing a room with Lana.

63
00:03:33,613 --> 00:03:35,945
- Hooray.
- And Pam's sleeping in the cellar.

64
00:03:36,149 --> 00:03:39,050
Yeah, and if money's so damn tight,
why is she even here?

65
00:03:39,252 --> 00:03:41,482
She's making me mule back
a bunch of this crap.

66
00:03:41,688 --> 00:03:44,122
That crap is $300 a bottle...

67
00:03:44,324 --> 00:03:47,054
...and you can't get it in America,
so not another sip.

68
00:03:47,260 --> 00:03:50,320
The rest of you, make room in your luggage
for 10 liters apiece.

69
00:03:50,530 --> 00:03:52,054
- Unbelievable.
- I know.

70
00:03:52,265 --> 00:03:54,324
What kind of limit is that?

71
00:03:54,534 --> 00:03:57,264
Good, you are here, Frau Archer.

72
00:03:57,470 --> 00:04:01,031
- It's Fräulein Archer.
- She added desperately.

73
00:04:01,241 --> 00:04:04,074
And these are my top agents,
who are ready to lay down their lives...

74
00:04:04,277 --> 00:04:05,710
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING
OVER HEADPHONES]

75
00:04:05,912 --> 00:04:08,278
...to protect your, um, lovely daughter.

76
00:04:08,481 --> 00:04:10,210
Let's hope it doesn't come to that.

77
00:04:10,416 --> 00:04:11,940
Ja, but if it does...

78
00:04:12,151 --> 00:04:15,211
- Let's hope not.
...you must protect mein princess.

79
00:04:15,421 --> 00:04:19,016
Anka is all I have in the world
since her mother passed away.

80
00:04:19,225 --> 00:04:21,625
Oh, you poor thing. You're a widower?

81
00:04:21,828 --> 00:04:23,227
Oh, like you didn't... Know!

82
00:04:23,429 --> 00:04:24,726
No. No.

83
00:04:24,931 --> 00:04:27,229
- What is wrong with you?
- Did no one just see that?

84
00:04:27,433 --> 00:04:28,457
Jumpy, eh?

85
00:04:28,668 --> 00:04:32,434
Surely El Frente does not frighten
the famous Sterling Archer.

86
00:04:32,639 --> 00:04:33,628
No, she does.

87
00:04:33,840 --> 00:04:36,502
- My Anka? What do you mean?
- Oh, right.

88
00:04:36,709 --> 00:04:39,075
Herr Archer glaubt Anka is dirty sexy.

89
00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:43,147
- What?
- She is only 16, you schwein.

90
00:04:43,349 --> 00:04:44,475
No, I know. I'm not...

91
00:04:44,684 --> 00:04:46,117
Not to come near her again.

92
00:04:46,319 --> 00:04:48,879
- Come on.
- And the rest of you, get to work.

93
00:04:49,088 --> 00:04:50,885
- Come, Anka.
- Uh...

94
00:04:51,090 --> 00:04:56,357
- Well, I hope you're happy.
- No, I'm not, Mother. I just got fingered.

95
00:04:56,562 --> 00:05:00,054
Ugh! Now, that is just... Ew!

96
00:05:00,266 --> 00:05:02,757
- Thanks a lot, Bitch and Sundance.
- What?

97
00:05:02,969 --> 00:05:06,461
- What what? Didn't you see that?
- I saw you totally eye-bang a teenager.

98
00:05:06,673 --> 00:05:08,573
No, you didn't, because I wasn't.

99
00:05:08,775 --> 00:05:11,141
- Whatever.
- Go wash up, dirty bird.

100
00:05:11,344 --> 00:05:13,904
- I wasn't eye-banging her.
- Man, I was.

101
00:05:14,113 --> 00:05:17,480
- Ugh.
- What? Jeez, I'm only human.

102
00:05:18,584 --> 00:05:19,608
Are you?

103
00:05:19,819 --> 00:05:20,843
[BURPS]

104
00:05:21,054 --> 00:05:23,488
CARLOS: That stinks.
- So don't smell it.

105
00:05:23,690 --> 00:05:24,850
Don't smell it.

106
00:05:25,058 --> 00:05:27,788
Another perfect example
of your reductive reasoning.

107
00:05:27,994 --> 00:05:29,052
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

108
00:05:29,262 --> 00:05:30,889
[SIA SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

109
00:05:31,097 --> 00:05:32,462
- He started it.
- He started it.

110
00:05:32,665 --> 00:05:35,964
Can't I leave you two alone
for even one hour without you going at it?

111
00:05:36,169 --> 00:05:38,694
I should have asked myself
the same thing about you two.

112
00:05:38,905 --> 00:05:41,965
- Meaning what?
- Meaning you left me for my brother.

113
00:05:42,175 --> 00:05:43,164
Your twin brother.

114
00:05:43,376 --> 00:05:46,868
So obviously,
I still find you very attractive, baby.

115
00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:49,105
And I have good news.

116
00:05:49,315 --> 00:05:51,283
Even though Sterling Archer
is here in Gstaad...

117
00:05:51,484 --> 00:05:52,473
- Archer?
- Archer?

118
00:05:52,685 --> 00:05:53,674
[TWINS SPEAK IN SPANISH]

119
00:05:53,886 --> 00:05:57,117
It won't be a problem
to kidnap that bourgeois perrita.

120
00:05:57,323 --> 00:05:59,416
Her father has forbidden Archer
to go near her.

121
00:05:59,625 --> 00:06:03,083
- So we go with my plan.
- Your plan stinks more than that cheese.

122
00:06:03,296 --> 00:06:05,457
I think that smell is them.

123
00:06:05,665 --> 00:06:08,793
But even they smell better
than your stupid plan.

124
00:06:09,001 --> 00:06:11,561
- We go with my plan.
- Fine.

125
00:06:11,771 --> 00:06:14,638
You don't want the world's greatest
secret agent on the case? Fine.

126
00:06:14,841 --> 00:06:17,867
You want little Countess von Fingerbang
to get kidnapped? Fine.

127
00:06:18,077 --> 00:06:19,066
[DOOR OPENS]

128
00:06:19,278 --> 00:06:20,370
Oh, and as for you, Ray...

129
00:06:20,580 --> 00:06:21,638
[DOOR CLOSES]

130
00:06:21,848 --> 00:06:24,146
...Sterling Archer may be many things,
but he's not...

131
00:06:25,685 --> 00:06:28,711
- Fine?
- Oh, I think he is very fine.

132
00:06:28,921 --> 00:06:31,287
- No, no, Anka, you can't be in here.
- Anka?

133
00:06:31,491 --> 00:06:33,584
Mr. Archer, how familiar.

134
00:06:33,793 --> 00:06:35,420
You must address me by title:

135
00:06:35,628 --> 00:06:37,493
Countess von Fingerbang.

136
00:06:37,697 --> 00:06:40,564
No. Come on, Anka, seriously.
You seriously gotta get out of here before...

137
00:06:40,767 --> 00:06:41,756
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

138
00:06:41,968 --> 00:06:43,196
Shit. Before the cops show up.

139
00:06:43,403 --> 00:06:45,928
Or, wait, what do you have
in Switzerland? Pikemen?

140
00:06:46,139 --> 00:06:51,042
I don't know. I am from Germany,
where the age of consent is 14.

141
00:06:51,244 --> 00:06:53,041
What is it, the Alabama of Europe?

142
00:06:53,246 --> 00:06:56,545
In many ways, yes,
but we can talk about that in bed.

143
00:06:56,749 --> 00:06:58,944
No, we can't. Seriously, you have to...

144
00:06:59,152 --> 00:07:00,847
Hand over the girl, cochino.

145
00:07:01,053 --> 00:07:02,077
[ANKA SCREAMING]

146
00:07:02,288 --> 00:07:04,950
And that is just it for today
on people calling me a freaking pig.

147
00:07:05,825 --> 00:07:07,793
[JAVI SCREAMING]

148
00:07:10,730 --> 00:07:13,494
Holy shit. Did you see that?

149
00:07:13,699 --> 00:07:15,599
- I saw you save my life.
- No, l...

150
00:07:15,802 --> 00:07:18,669
- Well, maybe a little, but...
- And I know just how to repay you.

151
00:07:18,871 --> 00:07:20,736
ARCHER:
Wait. No, no, Anka. Bad touch.

152
00:07:20,940 --> 00:07:22,874
- Bad touch.
SCHLOTZ: You schwein.

153
00:07:23,075 --> 00:07:24,372
[ANKA GASPS]

154
00:07:24,577 --> 00:07:28,741
- So does this look as bad as it looks?
- I will let the gendarmes decide that.

155
00:07:28,948 --> 00:07:31,940
So they're not pikemen.
Wait, Anka, tell your father what happened.

156
00:07:32,151 --> 00:07:33,812
ANKA: Papa, he lured me.
ARCHER: What?

157
00:07:34,020 --> 00:07:37,387
- Then he tried to touch me with his Wilhelm.
- What? No, l...

158
00:07:37,590 --> 00:07:40,457
I saved her life. I set a kidnapper on fire.

159
00:07:40,660 --> 00:07:42,787
Tell it to the gendarmes, schwein.

160
00:07:44,197 --> 00:07:46,256
Oh, come on, did you not see that?

161
00:07:46,466 --> 00:07:48,229
Sterling, you promised.

162
00:07:48,434 --> 00:07:49,662
And yet here you stand...

163
00:07:49,869 --> 00:07:52,497
...as a fortune walks away,
with your wedding tackle...

164
00:07:52,705 --> 00:07:55,105
...stuffed into your shaving kit.

165
00:07:55,308 --> 00:07:58,937
- "Schwein" doesn't even touch it.
- Yeah? Well, neither did I, Mother.

166
00:07:59,145 --> 00:08:02,842
I saved her life.
Go ask that dick I set on fire.

167
00:08:03,049 --> 00:08:06,450
And speaking of,
that bay rum really burns on the... Oh!

168
00:08:06,652 --> 00:08:09,416
Hello, razor. Welcome to the party.

169
00:08:09,622 --> 00:08:11,021
[SIGHS]

170
00:08:11,224 --> 00:08:13,624
**** you, Switzerland.

171
00:08:16,262 --> 00:08:20,460
MALORY: You're damn lucky Anka
convinced her father not to press charges.

172
00:08:20,666 --> 00:08:24,363
Yeah, I feel lucky. Let's see,
sexually assaulted by a teenage sociopath...

173
00:08:24,570 --> 00:08:26,367
...interrogated by gendarmes.

174
00:08:26,572 --> 00:08:30,133
Oh. Three stitches in my penis.
So, yep, it's all breaking my way.

175
00:08:30,343 --> 00:08:31,571
Just stay out of my way.

176
00:08:31,777 --> 00:08:35,440
I have to convince Schlotz
to get in bed with ISIS...

177
00:08:35,648 --> 00:08:37,582
...and failing that, in bed with...

178
00:08:37,783 --> 00:08:39,842
Don't say it. I'm in enough pain.

179
00:08:40,052 --> 00:08:43,647
Yeah, the entire hotel's talking
about your little shaving accident.

180
00:08:43,856 --> 00:08:46,154
- And if you wanna get Schlotz into you...
- Phrasing.

181
00:08:46,359 --> 00:08:49,157
...you better start eating strudel.
Major chubby chaser.

182
00:08:49,362 --> 00:08:51,796
PAM: Well, a lot of that's muscle.
- Let's hope not.

183
00:08:51,998 --> 00:08:54,796
Because you get strong arms
growing up on a dairy farm.

184
00:08:55,001 --> 00:08:58,493
- A dairy farm?
- Yes, it was called Butterfat Ranch.

185
00:08:58,704 --> 00:09:00,433
- No, it...
- They had a big cheese rodeo.

186
00:09:00,640 --> 00:09:04,542
- It was Poovey Farms.
- I also was raised on a dairy farm.

187
00:09:04,744 --> 00:09:06,974
You're shitting me.
What was your breed?

188
00:09:07,179 --> 00:09:09,579
- Friesians.
- We had Holsteins.

189
00:09:09,782 --> 00:09:11,545
- Jeez, they're like... Wow.
- Cousins.

190
00:09:11,751 --> 00:09:12,740
[CHUCKLING]

191
00:09:12,952 --> 00:09:15,887
Man, all this cow talk's making me thirsty
for some milk.

192
00:09:16,088 --> 00:09:19,751
And as luck has it,
there is some chilling in mein suite.

193
00:09:19,959 --> 00:09:22,154
Well, let's get some.

194
00:09:22,361 --> 00:09:24,727
- Don't wait up.
- Ugh.

195
00:09:24,931 --> 00:09:27,491
Ugh. That is so classic her.

196
00:09:27,700 --> 00:09:30,669
Chasing a billionaire while we
could be surrounded by terrorists.

197
00:09:30,870 --> 00:09:33,168
- We don't know what they look like.
- Spoiler alert.

198
00:09:33,372 --> 00:09:35,499
- One doesn't have skin on his face.
- Meaning?

199
00:09:35,708 --> 00:09:37,005
Meaning I set one on fire?

200
00:09:37,209 --> 00:09:40,667
Was that before or after you got caught
fondling a teenager?

201
00:09:40,880 --> 00:09:44,941
Well, obviously before.
After was all gendarmes and dick stitches.

202
00:09:45,151 --> 00:09:46,209
[LANA GROANS]

203
00:09:46,419 --> 00:09:49,513
And I didn't touch her, Lana,
so there's no reason to be jealous.

204
00:09:49,722 --> 00:09:50,711
LANA:
Whatever.

205
00:09:50,923 --> 00:09:52,686
ANKA: How is your Wilhelm?
- Aah!

206
00:09:52,892 --> 00:09:56,419
- Should I kiss it and make it better?
- No, you should get away from me.

207
00:09:56,629 --> 00:09:58,221
Look, I'm serious. You need help.

208
00:09:58,431 --> 00:10:00,797
- You need help, Archer.
ARCHER: She came up to me.

209
00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:02,524
Ray, what is a...?

210
00:10:02,735 --> 00:10:05,226
- What did you call it? "Blow job"?
- What?

211
00:10:05,438 --> 00:10:07,736
- Shame on you. Fie and shame.
- I didn't...

212
00:10:07,940 --> 00:10:11,137
And it's something a grown-up does
when he loves another grown-up.

213
00:10:11,344 --> 00:10:14,507
Now, raus, you mouse.
Get ready for our ski lesson.

214
00:10:14,714 --> 00:10:17,376
- She's giving you a ski lesson?
- No, I'm giving her one.

215
00:10:17,583 --> 00:10:21,451
Oh, yeah, right. I forgot you won the
Olympic gold medal in men's downhill.

216
00:10:21,654 --> 00:10:25,988
Well, ass, it was Giant Slalom
and I only took bronze.

217
00:10:26,192 --> 00:10:27,181
- So...
- So.

218
00:10:27,393 --> 00:10:29,691
...you lost.
- I came in third.

219
00:10:29,895 --> 00:10:31,157
Yeah, which is last.

220
00:10:31,364 --> 00:10:32,695
- Which is third...
- Last.

221
00:10:32,898 --> 00:10:35,492
...in the world, so...
- You lost, Ray.

222
00:10:35,701 --> 00:10:36,998
Jesus, get over it.

223
00:10:37,203 --> 00:10:38,568
[SIGHS]

224
00:10:38,771 --> 00:10:41,831
It actually was a huge disappointment.

225
00:10:42,041 --> 00:10:44,236
I trained so hard and so long.

226
00:10:44,443 --> 00:10:48,345
Months of preparation ruined.
How could you be so stupid?

227
00:10:48,547 --> 00:10:49,673
[JAVI COUGHING AND GROANING]

228
00:10:49,882 --> 00:10:53,682
Carlito, he obviously did not mean
to get set on fire.

229
00:10:53,886 --> 00:10:58,346
We should've gone with my plan,
which was superior in every way.

230
00:10:58,557 --> 00:11:00,525
So, then, now we do your plan.

231
00:11:00,726 --> 00:11:05,163
My plan requires three people.
Three people who have faces!

232
00:11:05,364 --> 00:11:06,353
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

233
00:11:06,565 --> 00:11:08,726
Now I must call headquarters
for reinforcements.

234
00:11:08,934 --> 00:11:10,868
Good idea, mi amor.

235
00:11:11,070 --> 00:11:15,234
You are so clever and sexy.

236
00:11:15,441 --> 00:11:17,602
[JAVI SCREAMING]

237
00:11:17,810 --> 00:11:19,141
That sounds like Schlotz, but...

238
00:11:19,345 --> 00:11:20,334
[GASPS]

239
00:11:20,546 --> 00:11:22,138
Oh, my God, Pam must be getting naked.

240
00:11:22,348 --> 00:11:25,010
All these idiots think about is sex.

241
00:11:25,217 --> 00:11:26,912
- It's called nymphomania.
- Ugh.

242
00:11:27,119 --> 00:11:29,110
Maybe mixed with borderline
personality disorder?

243
00:11:29,321 --> 00:11:31,619
I don't know,
I'm not a developmental psychologist.

244
00:11:31,824 --> 00:11:33,587
- Archer, I'm serious.
- I'm serious.

245
00:11:33,793 --> 00:11:35,192
- That girl's a nightmare.
- No.

246
00:11:35,394 --> 00:11:38,363
A nightmare is sharing a room
with your mother, who expects me...

247
00:11:38,564 --> 00:11:41,158
- Loofah, I know.
...to protect some Eurotrash brat...

248
00:11:41,367 --> 00:11:44,666
...who's got a jillion guests coming
to her birthday party tomorrow.

249
00:11:44,870 --> 00:11:47,168
Yeah. Think they're gonna have a band
or just a DJ?

250
00:11:47,373 --> 00:11:49,739
- Why don't you go find out?
- No, I can't be alone.

251
00:11:49,942 --> 00:11:52,934
That's when she strikes,
like a slutty little ninja.

252
00:11:53,145 --> 00:11:54,271
Ooh, is that Schlotz and Pam?

253
00:11:54,480 --> 00:11:56,744
LANA: And are they drinking anti-freeze?
- Let's hope.

254
00:11:56,949 --> 00:11:58,382
Ugh. Change it before I puke my...

255
00:11:58,584 --> 00:12:01,314
Holy shit. Lana, look.
That's the kidnapper I set on fire.

256
00:12:01,520 --> 00:12:05,320
LANA: That guy? Who's never been on fire?
- He was, though. Lana, I swear.

257
00:12:05,524 --> 00:12:06,684
- You swear?
- Lana, l...

258
00:12:06,892 --> 00:12:09,759
Just like you swore about a 90-pound
schoolgirl raping you?

259
00:12:09,962 --> 00:12:14,296
Attempted rape, Lana, and that guy
was running around like Johnny Storm.

260
00:12:14,667 --> 00:12:16,999
A.k.a. The Human Torch, Lana? Duh.

261
00:12:17,203 --> 00:12:18,898
And if you don't believe me, fine.

262
00:12:19,105 --> 00:12:21,266
LANA: Hey.
- I'll take care of it myself. Ow!

263
00:12:21,474 --> 00:12:25,205
Oh, great, yeah. Go terrorize the bellhop.

264
00:12:25,411 --> 00:12:27,538
Good thing that clip was empty. Oh, shit.

265
00:12:28,047 --> 00:12:30,038
God, I hate it when he's right.

266
00:12:30,249 --> 00:12:34,015
Now he gets to be the big hero who...
Has no bullets.

267
00:12:34,220 --> 00:12:36,882
Going against an unknown number
of radical terrorists...

268
00:12:37,089 --> 00:12:38,886
...armed with automatic weapons.

269
00:12:39,091 --> 00:12:40,319
So that's gonna...

270
00:12:40,526 --> 00:12:42,391
Mah! Damn it.

271
00:12:42,595 --> 00:12:44,028
MALORY:
Herr Schlotz.

272
00:12:44,230 --> 00:12:46,255
Herr Schlotz, are you in there?

273
00:12:46,465 --> 00:12:48,524
I need to ask you a tiny...

274
00:12:48,734 --> 00:12:51,532
Mein God, woman. Can't you not read?

275
00:12:51,737 --> 00:12:55,639
Not without my glasses. I was hoping
you could read this to me...

276
00:12:55,841 --> 00:12:57,866
...in your suite, over a drink?

277
00:12:58,077 --> 00:12:59,704
Yeah, come on in.

278
00:12:59,912 --> 00:13:02,380
Just making a fresh batch
of Green Russians.

279
00:13:02,581 --> 00:13:04,208
[MALORY SIGHS]

280
00:13:04,917 --> 00:13:06,384
Oh, ow, ow, ow.

281
00:13:06,585 --> 00:13:08,746
First thing when I get back,
buying an electric razor.

282
00:13:08,954 --> 00:13:11,286
ANKA: That's no fun.
- Oh, for ****'s sake.

283
00:13:11,490 --> 00:13:15,654
Then you don't get to squirt
that hot white cream all over your face.

284
00:13:15,861 --> 00:13:18,056
Why aren't you with Gillette?

285
00:13:18,264 --> 00:13:22,496
As the ski lift was coming,
at the last minute, I jumped out of the way.

286
00:13:23,602 --> 00:13:26,833
Dukes, I am gonna be in huge trouble.

287
00:13:29,675 --> 00:13:31,973
Right after I freeze to death.
Double dukes.

288
00:13:32,178 --> 00:13:33,770
Oh, great, they cut the power.

289
00:13:33,979 --> 00:13:35,469
How romantic.

290
00:13:35,681 --> 00:13:36,670
Yeah, it is.

291
00:13:36,882 --> 00:13:37,906
[MALORY SIGHS]

292
00:13:38,117 --> 00:13:41,382
No, not romantic. Dangerous.
Because it's gonna be dark soon so...

293
00:13:41,587 --> 00:13:44,818
So before it's too dark,
let me ask your opinion on something.

294
00:13:45,024 --> 00:13:47,618
What, you... Re-zip, re-zip, re-zip!

295
00:13:47,827 --> 00:13:50,762
Do you think I need a boob job?

296
00:13:51,430 --> 00:13:52,419
Honestly?

297
00:13:52,631 --> 00:13:55,600
I'm kidding. Anka, come on.
You're gonna be a beautiful woman.

298
00:13:55,801 --> 00:13:56,927
- Really?
- Yes, really.

299
00:13:57,136 --> 00:13:59,866
And literally, the minute you turn 18,
please call me, but...

300
00:14:00,072 --> 00:14:01,334
CARLOS:
Save your minutes.

301
00:14:01,540 --> 00:14:05,306
- Because tonight, Sterling Archer dies.
- Ha. Oh, yeah?

302
00:14:05,511 --> 00:14:06,910
[GUN CLICKING EMPTY]

303
00:14:07,112 --> 00:14:08,101
Oh, no.

304
00:14:08,314 --> 00:14:09,372
[ANKA SCREAMING]

305
00:14:09,582 --> 00:14:12,346
Don't shoot the girl! We need her!

306
00:14:13,018 --> 00:14:14,451
Archer, you must save me.

307
00:14:14,653 --> 00:14:16,848
You got any ideas, Anka?
Because I'm all ears.

308
00:14:17,056 --> 00:14:18,819
Well, why don't we take that?

309
00:14:20,726 --> 00:14:22,819
Well, obviously, we're gonna take that.

310
00:14:23,662 --> 00:14:25,186
Come on.

311
00:14:26,498 --> 00:14:28,693
Archer, we are safe now, ja?

312
00:14:28,901 --> 00:14:31,165
Well, it's a little early to say.

313
00:14:32,171 --> 00:14:33,638
[ANKA GASPS]

314
00:14:34,440 --> 00:14:36,499
But I really kind of doubt it.

315
00:14:41,380 --> 00:14:44,543
I mean, I'm sure I've been
in worse situations.

316
00:14:44,750 --> 00:14:47,344
But right now,
I'm kind of drawing a blank.

317
00:14:47,553 --> 00:14:49,350
Hang on.

318
00:14:49,555 --> 00:14:51,546
[MACHINE GUNS FIRING]

319
00:14:52,925 --> 00:14:54,722
What the hell's all that, you reckon?

320
00:14:54,927 --> 00:15:01,389
Lmmigrants. Cramming their lowriders
full of free health care and snow.

321
00:15:07,873 --> 00:15:10,842
- We should go to the gendarmes.
- Yeah, if you weren't topless.

322
00:15:11,043 --> 00:15:13,807
Oh, and hadn't accused me
of molesting you.

323
00:15:14,013 --> 00:15:17,471
Are you going to throw that in my face
the rest of my life?

324
00:15:17,683 --> 00:15:20,117
Yeah, all four minutes of it.

325
00:15:22,388 --> 00:15:23,582
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

326
00:15:23,789 --> 00:15:27,691
The girl is worth millions.
Be careful where you're shooting.

327
00:15:29,228 --> 00:15:31,924
Ooh! Pink Floyd show.

328
00:15:32,131 --> 00:15:33,120
[MACHINE GUNS FIRING]

329
00:15:33,332 --> 00:15:35,823
Oh. Man, I'm gonna be in trouble.

330
00:15:36,035 --> 00:15:37,263
Triple dukes.

331
00:15:39,071 --> 00:15:40,834
- Where are we going?
- The forest.

332
00:15:41,040 --> 00:15:44,532
They'll have to split up, then we can
take them out one or two at a time.

333
00:15:44,743 --> 00:15:46,734
You would fight them? Are you insane?

334
00:15:46,946 --> 00:15:49,005
No, just incredibly pissed off.

335
00:15:49,214 --> 00:15:52,274
Unh. You can't believe what this is doing
to my stitches.

336
00:15:54,653 --> 00:15:58,384
Okay, I need you to do exactly
what I tell you when I tell you without...

337
00:15:58,590 --> 00:16:00,057
We should go to the gendarmes.

338
00:16:00,259 --> 00:16:01,590
- Can I finish?
- Fine.

339
00:16:01,794 --> 00:16:03,591
- Questions.
- About what?

340
00:16:03,796 --> 00:16:06,094
What? No, that was me finishing.

341
00:16:06,298 --> 00:16:08,732
- Oh, mein God.
- Now shut up and hang on.

342
00:16:10,636 --> 00:16:11,603
[ANKA SCREAMS]

343
00:16:11,804 --> 00:16:13,635
ARCHER:
Hey, that's right in my ear, so...

344
00:16:13,839 --> 00:16:14,863
[ANKA SCREAMS]

345
00:16:15,074 --> 00:16:16,871
So you can't do it every time.

346
00:16:17,076 --> 00:16:18,304
[ANKA SCREAMS]

347
00:16:18,510 --> 00:16:21,308
I swear, Anka,
if I have to pull this snowmobile over...

348
00:16:21,513 --> 00:16:24,414
I'm sorry.
I'm not used to such awful things.

349
00:16:24,616 --> 00:16:25,947
- Yeah, I bet.
- Meaning what?

350
00:16:26,151 --> 00:16:29,314
Meaning you're a spoiled,
rich, little lying brat who...

351
00:16:29,521 --> 00:16:33,480
You want lies? Wait until I tell everyone
you seduced me.

352
00:16:33,692 --> 00:16:35,284
Okay, that's it.

353
00:16:35,494 --> 00:16:37,587
Wait. Why are you slowing down?

354
00:16:37,796 --> 00:16:39,525
- Take it back.
- Go, go, go.

355
00:16:39,732 --> 00:16:42,462
- Take it back.
- Fine, I take it back.

356
00:16:42,668 --> 00:16:43,657
God.

357
00:16:43,869 --> 00:16:45,029
[ANKA SCREAMS]

358
00:16:45,237 --> 00:16:46,534
[ARCHER GROANS]

359
00:16:50,509 --> 00:16:52,409
- Mein God.
- I know, right?

360
00:16:52,611 --> 00:16:53,976
Totally McQueen.

361
00:16:54,179 --> 00:16:57,273
Probably won't fall for it again, though.
Man, I need a gun.

362
00:16:57,483 --> 00:16:58,973
You think you can drive this thing...?

363
00:16:59,184 --> 00:17:00,412
[ARCHER & ANKA SCREAM]

364
00:17:00,619 --> 00:17:02,553
ANKA: Probably better than you.
- Yeah?

365
00:17:02,755 --> 00:17:05,121
Did you come in first
the same weekend I attended...

366
00:17:05,324 --> 00:17:07,485
...the Lars Larsen
Snowmobiling Experience?

367
00:17:07,693 --> 00:17:10,628
- What?
- Because I came in second, smartass.

368
00:17:10,829 --> 00:17:13,889
- Out of how many, two?
- Will you just shut up and drive?

369
00:17:14,099 --> 00:17:16,533
- How do I do it?
- Right hand, take the throttle.

370
00:17:16,735 --> 00:17:18,464
ANKA:
Like this?

371
00:17:18,670 --> 00:17:21,696
- No, you gotta twist it.
- I am twisting it.

372
00:17:21,907 --> 00:17:23,704
No, you got... Hang on a second.

373
00:17:24,543 --> 00:17:27,205
You gotta twist it, like this.

374
00:17:28,047 --> 00:17:29,173
[ANKA SCREAMS]

375
00:17:29,381 --> 00:17:33,545
- You gotta go faster, Anka.
- Faster? I'm freezing to death already.

376
00:17:33,752 --> 00:17:38,155
Should've thought of that before you took
your clothes off. Seriously, would you go?

377
00:17:38,357 --> 00:17:39,915
ANKA:
I'm doing it like you said.

378
00:17:40,125 --> 00:17:43,492
Grip it hard as you can
and twist the absolute shit out of it.

379
00:17:43,695 --> 00:17:47,722
Oh, I get it,
just like men love it on their Wilhelm.

380
00:17:47,933 --> 00:17:50,299
No, we... Oh, my God.

381
00:17:50,502 --> 00:17:52,561
You've never even seen a Wilhelm.

382
00:17:52,771 --> 00:17:55,706
Ha. I have seen dozens. Scores, even.

383
00:17:55,908 --> 00:17:57,466
You are such a liar.

384
00:17:57,676 --> 00:18:00,873
I bet you've never even gotten
to second base.

385
00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:02,809
L... So maybe not.

386
00:18:03,015 --> 00:18:04,778
- So what?
ARCHER: What do you mean "so what"?

387
00:18:04,983 --> 00:18:07,508
- Why do you behave like...?
- No one cares how I behave.

388
00:18:07,719 --> 00:18:12,281
Mama is gone, Papa is always at work.
I just rot away at that boarding school.

389
00:18:12,491 --> 00:18:15,949
Yeah, and then I bet you get sent off
to camp all summer.

390
00:18:16,161 --> 00:18:18,288
Riding camp, skiing camp.

391
00:18:18,497 --> 00:18:21,557
- Lacrosse camp.
- It's like he doesn't want me around.

392
00:18:21,767 --> 00:18:25,100
Yeah, so you misbehave
because you want a little attention.

393
00:18:25,304 --> 00:18:26,896
And it's so hard to make friends.

394
00:18:28,674 --> 00:18:31,802
Because you're insecure, so you
overcompensate and come across as...

395
00:18:32,010 --> 00:18:33,739
As some kind of snob or...

396
00:18:33,946 --> 00:18:36,312
- Arrogant. I get it, Anka.
- Ja, exactly.

397
00:18:36,515 --> 00:18:38,881
You know, Archer,
I think you and I are a lot alike.

398
00:18:39,084 --> 00:18:40,574
I don't do that.

399
00:18:41,186 --> 00:18:42,380
[SCREAMING]

400
00:18:43,355 --> 00:18:45,414
Okay, I think that's all of them...

401
00:18:45,624 --> 00:18:48,218
...which is good
because I'm out of ammo.

402
00:18:49,094 --> 00:18:51,528
And we're out of gas. Fantastic.

403
00:18:51,730 --> 00:18:53,288
Guess we'll have to hike back.

404
00:18:53,499 --> 00:18:55,160
Oh, my God, you must be freezing.

405
00:18:55,367 --> 00:18:58,894
Hey, Anka, relax. You're gonna be okay.
We'll get you back to the hotel and...

406
00:18:59,104 --> 00:19:03,404
All the wind from the driving, Archer.
My hands are really burning.

407
00:19:03,609 --> 00:19:05,804
Whoa. That's first degree frostbite.

408
00:19:06,011 --> 00:19:09,310
Too bad you don't have big,
mitten-y gloves. I can't feel a thing in these.

409
00:19:09,515 --> 00:19:12,541
It's like my breasts are on fire.

410
00:19:12,751 --> 00:19:16,687
- Maybe just put your hands on them.
- Oh, my hands are like ice.

411
00:19:17,222 --> 00:19:18,883
- But yours...
- Nope.

412
00:19:19,091 --> 00:19:20,080
- Please.
- Nope.

413
00:19:20,292 --> 00:19:22,419
We can make it back in,
like, half-hour, tops.

414
00:19:22,628 --> 00:19:24,425
- I can't wait that long. Please...
- Nope.

415
00:19:24,630 --> 00:19:27,030
With such big, mitten-y gloves,
it won't even count.

416
00:19:27,232 --> 00:19:30,030
- Nope.
- But I could get nerve damage.

417
00:19:30,736 --> 00:19:32,135
That's actually a possibility.

418
00:19:32,337 --> 00:19:36,296
- Please, Archer, just for one minute.
- Um...

419
00:19:40,345 --> 00:19:42,142
- Literally one minute, all right?
- Please.

420
00:19:42,347 --> 00:19:44,815
And only because this is
a medical emergency.

421
00:19:45,450 --> 00:19:46,678
[SIGHS]

422
00:19:46,885 --> 00:19:49,046
- That feels nice.
- It doesn't. Don't enjoy this.

423
00:19:49,254 --> 00:19:51,518
This is a medical proced... Ow.

424
00:19:51,723 --> 00:19:52,883
- What's wrong?
- Nothing.

425
00:19:53,091 --> 00:19:55,389
It's just, um, my stitches.

426
00:19:55,594 --> 00:19:57,084
LANA: Oh, yeah?
- What...?

427
00:19:57,296 --> 00:19:59,321
Getting a little local swelling?

428
00:19:59,531 --> 00:20:00,828
[ANKA GIGGLES]

429
00:20:01,033 --> 00:20:02,261
Hooray.

430
00:20:02,734 --> 00:20:04,827
I can't believe I let this happen.

431
00:20:05,037 --> 00:20:06,026
[SCHLOTZ SNORING]

432
00:20:06,238 --> 00:20:08,365
Uck! It was those damn Green Russians.

433
00:20:08,574 --> 00:20:10,064
Yeah, they pack a wallop.

434
00:20:10,275 --> 00:20:13,904
And if you ever breathe a word of this,
I will gut you like a carp.

435
00:20:14,112 --> 00:20:15,511
Hey, what happens in Gstaad...

436
00:20:15,714 --> 00:20:16,840
[BURPS]

437
00:20:17,049 --> 00:20:18,573
...stays in Gstaad.
- Ugh.

438
00:20:18,784 --> 00:20:21,218
Now, who's ready for a shower?

439
00:20:21,420 --> 00:20:22,978
This gal.

440
00:20:59,658 --> 00:21:00,625
[English - US - SDH]

441
00:21:01,305 --> 00:22:01,266
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