1
00:00:03,253 --> 00:00:05,756
MALORY:
What do you mean, Lana hasn't called?
2
00:00:05,923 --> 00:00:09,769
I've been sitting here for, like, 5 million years
and the phone hasn't rung once.
3
00:00:09,927 --> 00:00:13,852
So every time it doesn't, I just assume
it's not her, not calling to say they--
4
00:00:14,014 --> 00:00:17,518
They should've rescued Sterling
and Rip from the pirates hours ago.
5
00:00:17,684 --> 00:00:21,609
Maybe they did and just didn't call.
No, I gave them explicit orders to--
6
00:00:21,772 --> 00:00:23,445
What the hell are you wearing?
7
00:00:23,607 --> 00:00:26,781
Uh, this thing called "my boss
made me sleep at my desk," so pajamas.
8
00:00:26,944 --> 00:00:31,871
Men's pajamas?
For God's sake, woman, where is your pride?
9
00:00:32,032 --> 00:00:33,830
In my work?
10
00:00:33,992 --> 00:00:36,586
That may be the funniest thing
you've ever said.
11
00:00:36,745 --> 00:00:38,247
Thank you.
MALORY: Oh, shut up.
12
00:00:38,580 --> 00:00:40,628
And then try Lana's sat phone.
13
00:00:40,791 --> 00:00:43,089
Wait, what if Lana's been captured too?
14
00:00:43,252 --> 00:00:46,847
Then I'll have to ransom her
and Sterling and Rip and--
15
00:00:47,005 --> 00:00:50,134
Well, no, Miss Gillette's on her own. Still...
16
00:00:50,300 --> 00:00:54,100
Get Cyril in here!
I need him to find a way to pay for all this!
17
00:00:54,263 --> 00:00:56,982
CYRIL:
Wait a minute, that can't be right.
18
00:00:57,724 --> 00:01:02,981
I remember being really mad and really drunk
and deciding to do some online banking.
19
00:01:03,146 --> 00:01:07,902
Oh, my God, I must have embezz--
--arrassed myself last night, huh?
20
00:01:08,277 --> 00:01:12,623
Don't talk like black people.
And how should I know? I'm still ripped.
21
00:01:12,781 --> 00:01:17,662
Oh. So you don't, um, happen to remember
me saying anything about passwords...
22
00:01:17,828 --> 00:01:20,001
...to say, Swiss bank accounts?
23
00:01:20,163 --> 00:01:23,383
Heh. I don't even remember
who peed on your sofa.
24
00:01:23,542 --> 00:01:25,510
Although, if I was a gambling man--
25
00:01:25,669 --> 00:01:26,761
MALORY: Cyril!
Wha--?
26
00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:29,298
Ugh. Smells like a kennel in here.
27
00:01:29,464 --> 00:01:31,341
Cash reserves, how much do we have?
28
00:01:31,508 --> 00:01:35,103
I'll, uh, need to run those numbers. Heh.
29
00:01:35,262 --> 00:01:37,310
Hurry up, we don't have a minute to lose.
30
00:01:37,472 --> 00:01:40,851
God only knows what kind of torture
Sterling's going through.
31
00:01:41,018 --> 00:01:43,020
32
00:02:00,787 --> 00:02:03,040
Get off...
33
00:02:03,206 --> 00:02:04,674
...the bucket.
34
00:02:04,833 --> 00:02:06,710
I'm not done.
Yes, you are.
35
00:02:06,877 --> 00:02:08,629
But I didn't... You know.
36
00:02:08,795 --> 00:02:12,390
I can't with all the-- Everybody looking at me,
and then the judgments--
37
00:02:12,549 --> 00:02:13,550
LANA: Noah?
Yes.
38
00:02:13,717 --> 00:02:16,971
I just traveled 8000 miles
and got ambushed by Malaysian pirates...
39
00:02:17,137 --> 00:02:21,187
...trying to rescue a person who is now
responsible for my getting crabs twice.
40
00:02:21,350 --> 00:02:25,150
Oh, come on.
These crabs, this time, were not my fault.
41
00:02:25,312 --> 00:02:27,815
This whole dungeon is, um...
42
00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:32,407
Were you gonna say "lousy with them"?
I was, but then I realized that's, uh--
43
00:02:32,569 --> 00:02:34,321
Where that phrase comes from? Yeah.
44
00:02:34,488 --> 00:02:35,990
Yeah.
Yeah.
45
00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:38,625
Yeah. So guess what I'm in?
Um...
46
00:02:38,909 --> 00:02:39,910
No mood?
47
00:02:40,077 --> 00:02:42,375
Winner, winner, chicken dinner.
48
00:02:42,537 --> 00:02:48,385
Wait, shouldn't it be some kind of crab dish,
because of the crabs? Like, uh, crab cakes?
49
00:02:48,543 --> 00:02:51,513
Ooh. Or Lana. Lana.
50
00:02:52,547 --> 00:02:53,890
Lana.
51
00:02:54,049 --> 00:02:56,017
What? Lana!
52
00:02:56,176 --> 00:03:00,147
Dungeon. Us. Crab. Huh?
53
00:03:00,305 --> 00:03:02,103
Because we're in a dungeon.
54
00:03:02,265 --> 00:03:04,233
I'm kidding. Crab rangoon.
55
00:03:39,636 --> 00:03:40,888
56
00:03:41,054 --> 00:03:43,933
ARCHER:
Noah, seriously, I swear to God, stop.
57
00:03:44,099 --> 00:03:47,023
Rock beats spoon. You should know that,
you're an archeologist.
58
00:03:47,185 --> 00:03:48,812
Anthropologist.
59
00:03:48,979 --> 00:03:52,233
Whatever. If you're doing it
just to get on my nerves, okay, I get it.
60
00:03:52,399 --> 00:03:54,322
But if you're trying to actually escape--
61
00:03:54,484 --> 00:03:56,327
Well, at least he's trying something.
62
00:03:56,486 --> 00:03:58,409
Yeah, as opposed to the Doublemint Twins.
63
00:03:58,572 --> 00:04:01,701
Heh-heh-heh. And one, two, three, go, herd.
LANA: Whoa! Unh!
64
00:04:01,867 --> 00:04:04,336
Missed it by that much.
Shut up.
65
00:04:04,494 --> 00:04:07,794
It's no use. The trapdoor goes up
a vertical shaft to the radio room.
66
00:04:07,956 --> 00:04:09,503
Exactly, and if we get to the radio--
67
00:04:09,666 --> 00:04:10,963
RILEY:
Which this idiot shot to pieces--
68
00:04:11,126 --> 00:04:12,173
69
00:04:12,335 --> 00:04:15,134
Holy shit.
Wha--? What the hell happened to him?
70
00:04:15,297 --> 00:04:17,675
He--
Who knows? Maybe he had a brain aneurysm.
71
00:04:17,841 --> 00:04:20,594
No, he--
it's the silent killer, Noah.
72
00:04:20,761 --> 00:04:23,480
Not unlike a metal spoon
sharpened to a razor's edge...
73
00:04:23,638 --> 00:04:27,768
...and used to slit
an anthropologist's bird-like throat.
74
00:04:27,934 --> 00:04:30,153
He just kind of keeled over.
75
00:04:30,312 --> 00:04:32,610
Probably thanks to your bucket-stanch.
76
00:04:32,773 --> 00:04:34,195
Wha--? Excuse me, I didn't even go.
77
00:04:34,357 --> 00:04:36,451
We're going. One, two, three, down, herd.
LANA: Oof.
78
00:04:36,610 --> 00:04:39,033
Jeez, how about a little warning?
I said, down, herd.
79
00:04:39,196 --> 00:04:42,450
Uh, couple things. One, Ray,
thanks for perpetuating the stereotype...
80
00:04:42,616 --> 00:04:45,165
...of the gay man as a collegiate cheerleader.
81
00:04:45,327 --> 00:04:48,501
Uh, yeah. For your information,
almost all male cheerleaders are--
82
00:04:48,663 --> 00:04:52,793
Finely-tuned hetero-athletes.
Yeah, hang on, I'm getting a call. Brriing!
83
00:04:52,959 --> 00:04:55,678
Hello? Hi, it's lacrosse, you lose.
84
00:04:55,837 --> 00:04:57,885
Wait, the phone.
Lacrosse?
85
00:04:58,048 --> 00:05:00,142
Yeah, it's Algonquin for "blood sport"?
86
00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:02,348
It's not Algonquin for anything.
Noah...
87
00:05:02,511 --> 00:05:05,390
My sat phone.
Yeah. See, Noah? Her-- Wait, your what?
88
00:05:05,555 --> 00:05:07,808
My sat phone. The pirates took it.
89
00:05:07,974 --> 00:05:11,478
And since I haven't called in,
ISIS should be calling me anytime now.
90
00:05:11,645 --> 00:05:12,692
91
00:05:12,854 --> 00:05:15,858
Jeezow, Lana, answer your stupid phone.
92
00:05:16,024 --> 00:05:18,868
MAN :
Hello? Give me Sterling Archer mother.
93
00:05:19,027 --> 00:05:20,870
Oh, my God, be more Chinese-y.
94
00:05:21,029 --> 00:05:24,078
Pirates, line two.
MALORY: Wha--? Well, put them through.
95
00:05:24,241 --> 00:05:26,039
Oh, my God, be more "I hate you."
96
00:05:26,201 --> 00:05:28,078
That's why your phone is blinking.
97
00:05:28,245 --> 00:05:29,872
MALORY:
Oh. Hello?
98
00:05:30,038 --> 00:05:31,711
This is Malory Archer.
99
00:05:31,873 --> 00:05:33,546
This is Malory Archer.
100
00:05:33,708 --> 00:05:35,585
Okay, then you listen to me.
101
00:05:35,752 --> 00:05:38,255
No, you just listen to me, buster.
Bucky.
102
00:05:38,421 --> 00:05:42,517
If you touch one hair on my son's head,
I'll have your guts for garters.
103
00:05:42,676 --> 00:05:45,270
Aha, you like wear garter?
104
00:05:45,428 --> 00:05:47,647
Heh-heh-heh-heh.
It's an idiom, you heathen.
105
00:05:47,806 --> 00:05:48,853
106
00:05:49,015 --> 00:05:51,768
Malory will call, she'll haggle
over the ransom for you, me and Riley.
107
00:05:51,935 --> 00:05:53,187
What about me?
Yeah, and me?
108
00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:54,821
We'll come back for you later.
109
00:05:54,980 --> 00:05:58,530
No, shut up. We gotta get that phone,
or something. I don't know.
110
00:05:58,692 --> 00:06:00,740
But I don't want Mother talking to Bucky.
111
00:06:00,902 --> 00:06:04,247
Why not? She's been coming to your rescue
since you were in short pants.
112
00:06:04,406 --> 00:06:06,955
113
00:06:07,117 --> 00:06:09,370
MALORY:
Oh, for-- Sterling, get your things.
114
00:06:09,536 --> 00:06:13,712
We're leaving.
Before this quack's office burns to the ground.
115
00:06:13,874 --> 00:06:16,753
116
00:06:16,918 --> 00:06:18,465
MALORY:
Sterling, get your things.
117
00:06:18,628 --> 00:06:22,974
We're leaving.
Before this cruddy school burns to the ground.
118
00:06:23,133 --> 00:06:25,977
119
00:06:26,136 --> 00:06:27,888
MALORY:
Sterling, get your things.
120
00:06:28,305 --> 00:06:29,477
He's gay.
121
00:06:29,639 --> 00:06:31,516
You were in the Army?
Oh, who remembers?
122
00:06:31,683 --> 00:06:32,809
CYRI L:
Well, try.
123
00:06:32,976 --> 00:06:35,274
PAM:
I can't remember.
124
00:06:35,437 --> 00:06:37,735
There's a reason they call it
"black-out drunk."
125
00:06:37,898 --> 00:06:40,993
If I don't remember that password,
I can't unembezzle that money...
126
00:06:41,151 --> 00:06:43,324
...and then I'm screwed,
because I don't have--
127
00:06:43,486 --> 00:06:45,284
MALORY:
Ten million dollars?
128
00:06:45,447 --> 00:06:47,495
That's outrageous. I won't pay it.
129
00:06:47,657 --> 00:06:51,161
I don't even want the gay back.
So you just better sharpen your pencil.
130
00:06:51,328 --> 00:06:53,581
BUCKY : I don't have pencil.
It's an idiom!
131
00:06:53,747 --> 00:06:57,092
Aw, but I love it when Malory
bails you out of one of your idiot jams.
132
00:06:57,250 --> 00:07:00,345
Oh, really?
Then I get to watch her rub it in your face.
133
00:07:00,503 --> 00:07:02,676
Oh, my God. Okay, first of all--
134
00:07:02,839 --> 00:07:05,058
RILEY: First of all--
Riley, no. Don't say it.
135
00:07:05,216 --> 00:07:09,972
--He's been here voluntarily!
Partying his ass off as king of the pirates!
136
00:07:10,555 --> 00:07:12,728
Hmm. What?
Don't listen to him.
137
00:07:12,891 --> 00:07:16,521
I bet that brain aneurysm
scrambled his Broca's area.
138
00:07:16,686 --> 00:07:19,530
Right? Language center of the brain--
139
00:07:22,567 --> 00:07:23,989
Noah.
140
00:07:24,402 --> 00:07:26,700
Thank you.
No problem.
141
00:07:26,863 --> 00:07:29,241
Actually, not making much progress.
142
00:07:29,407 --> 00:07:31,409
LANA:
You're kidding.
143
00:07:32,077 --> 00:07:33,249
No.
144
00:07:36,706 --> 00:07:39,004
MALORY:
Three million, and not a penny more.
145
00:07:39,167 --> 00:07:42,717
And before you see one thin dime,
I want to talk to Sterling.
146
00:07:42,879 --> 00:07:46,179
Cyril.
Wha--? Hey, Ms. Archer.
147
00:07:46,341 --> 00:07:49,686
Three million in cash?
That, uh, should not be a problem.
148
00:07:49,844 --> 00:07:53,223
I know it shouldn't be,
and it better not be.
149
00:07:53,390 --> 00:07:56,735
Why would it be? It's not.
I just need to move a little money around.
150
00:07:56,893 --> 00:07:59,146
So move it. Today please.
151
00:07:59,312 --> 00:08:02,566
Keep looking,
maybe I wrote it down. Um...
152
00:08:02,732 --> 00:08:04,450
"ArcherSucks." No.
153
00:08:04,609 --> 00:08:07,488
"KillArcherDie." No.
PAM: Um...
154
00:08:07,654 --> 00:08:09,372
Just trying all my usual passwords.
155
00:08:09,531 --> 00:08:12,034
Hey, way to not give them the power.
156
00:08:12,409 --> 00:08:13,535
Thank you.
157
00:08:13,702 --> 00:08:17,252
Do you hear me? I want proof of life.
158
00:08:18,123 --> 00:08:19,249
Duh.
159
00:08:19,416 --> 00:08:22,090
LANA: You lying, pathetic, little piece of--
Ooh.
160
00:08:22,252 --> 00:08:23,299
Lana, no.
ARCHER: Oh...
161
00:08:23,461 --> 00:08:26,010
Come on, you're gonna kill him.
Yup, that's the plan.
162
00:08:26,172 --> 00:08:27,424
Hey, hey, knock it off.
163
00:08:27,590 --> 00:08:30,059
Look, Lana, don't get me wrong,
I like your spunk.
164
00:08:30,218 --> 00:08:31,265
Phrasing.
165
00:08:31,428 --> 00:08:34,557
Shut up. But I promised his mother
that I would bring him home safely.
166
00:08:34,723 --> 00:08:38,523
And I just assume that includes his spleen.
I think that ship might have sailed.
167
00:08:38,685 --> 00:08:41,063
No, not a ship.
That was an idiom.
168
00:08:41,229 --> 00:08:43,652
A helicopter.
There's an old Huey down by the dock...
169
00:08:43,815 --> 00:08:46,739
...and it just so happens,
Rip Riley here can fly it.
170
00:08:46,901 --> 00:08:48,073
No shit?
Yeah.
171
00:08:48,236 --> 00:08:51,991
Rip Riley here can fly anything.
You know, as long as it's got fuel.
172
00:08:52,157 --> 00:08:56,128
Well, Rip, why don't we just look around
for some fuel in this cell...
173
00:08:56,286 --> 00:08:59,961
I doubt they'd keep it in here.
...in which we're still locked?
174
00:09:00,206 --> 00:09:05,588
I figured that we'd kind of work backwards
from the, uh, stealing of the helicopter.
175
00:09:06,296 --> 00:09:07,798
“ArcherBurnFace." No.
176
00:09:07,964 --> 00:09:10,308
"Archerbortion." Ugh.
No.
177
00:09:10,467 --> 00:09:13,346
Are you gonna type random words
in there the rest of your life?
178
00:09:13,511 --> 00:09:17,937
All five minutes of it. At which point, Ms. Archer
will probably dissolve me in a drum of acid...
179
00:09:18,099 --> 00:09:22,570
...unless you have a better idea.
State-dependent memory.
180
00:09:22,729 --> 00:09:26,074
So your plan is for us
to get as black-out, knee-walking...
181
00:09:26,232 --> 00:09:30,408
...shit-faced drunk as we were last night
in the hopes that we remember the password?
182
00:09:32,322 --> 00:09:33,323
183
00:09:33,490 --> 00:09:35,163
Well, don't hog it all.
184
00:09:35,325 --> 00:09:37,293
Pam.
185
00:09:37,952 --> 00:09:41,422
Ah. Seriously,
I bet that would've killed a lesser man.
186
00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:43,925
Ha. There's a lesser man than you?
187
00:09:44,084 --> 00:09:46,837
Uh, yeah, his name's Houdini.
Whom I wish you were.
188
00:09:47,003 --> 00:09:49,131
Yeah, because then I could
just puke up a key.
189
00:09:49,297 --> 00:09:51,675
Because you'd be dead.
Houdini's dead?
190
00:09:51,841 --> 00:09:54,014
You know what?
Yes. Here's what we do.
191
00:09:54,177 --> 00:09:56,271
We lure Bucky down here
and take him hostage.
192
00:09:56,429 --> 00:09:58,773
And then?
Then we'll see. We'll keep it loose.
193
00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:02,527
Oh, for-- And just how the hell
are we supposed to lure him down here?
194
00:10:02,685 --> 00:10:04,107
BUCKY:
Sterling Archer.
195
00:10:04,270 --> 00:10:07,524
What? Sorry, I couldn't hear you
over the sound of my plan working.
196
00:10:07,690 --> 00:10:09,943
Hey, telephone. It's your mother.
My--?
197
00:10:10,110 --> 00:10:13,580
Wait, please tell me you didn't tell her
I was temporarily the pirate king.
198
00:10:13,738 --> 00:10:16,537
No, not yet, but this is damn good. I--
199
00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:18,247
MALORY :
Sterling, are you all right?
200
00:10:18,409 --> 00:10:21,538
No, Mother, I'm a captive of pirates.
Unh!
201
00:10:21,704 --> 00:10:25,709
Oh, and Riley said he no longer
finds you attractive because you're too old.
202
00:10:25,875 --> 00:10:27,877
MALORY: He what?
What? You little--
203
00:10:28,044 --> 00:10:29,421
Son of a bitch!
204
00:10:29,587 --> 00:10:31,134
MALORY:
Was that a gunshot?
205
00:10:31,297 --> 00:10:33,550
Yeah, they got old Ray this time.
BUCKY: Unh! Unh! Unh!
206
00:10:33,716 --> 00:10:35,889
Ray!
Now I kill you.
207
00:10:36,052 --> 00:10:37,520
Aah!
Ow!
208
00:10:37,679 --> 00:10:40,728
Right in the same ear!
MALORY: Ha! Good. Serves you right.
209
00:10:40,890 --> 00:10:43,860
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Malory, I never said that!
210
00:10:44,018 --> 00:10:45,395
MALORY:
You're no spring chicken yourself.
211
00:10:45,562 --> 00:10:47,610
BUCKY: Aah!
LANA: Unh...
212
00:10:47,772 --> 00:10:49,570
Shit.
Lana!
213
00:10:49,732 --> 00:10:51,700
MALORY:
ls Lana hit? Someone talk to me!
214
00:10:51,860 --> 00:10:54,079
Mother, I'm a little busy right now.
215
00:10:54,237 --> 00:10:55,284
Noah!
What?
216
00:10:55,446 --> 00:10:57,323
ARCHER: Spoon him!
What do you mean, spoon him?
217
00:10:57,490 --> 00:11:00,710
You mean, spoon him as in like--?
Oh, uh, right.
218
00:11:00,869 --> 00:11:02,246
Today, please!
BUCKY: Unh!
219
00:11:02,579 --> 00:11:05,503
220
00:11:06,875 --> 00:11:10,175
I am incredibly sorry.
221
00:11:10,336 --> 00:11:13,306
222
00:11:13,464 --> 00:11:17,594
MALORY: Rip? Rip, I take it all back.
You're as strong and sexy as the night we--
223
00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:21,515
For shit's sake, Mother! How short
is the list of guys you haven't screwed?
224
00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:22,728
225
00:11:22,891 --> 00:11:26,521
How dare you?
You can just forget about that ransom.
226
00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:28,108
For once, you're on your own.
227
00:11:28,271 --> 00:11:31,616
ARCHER:
For once? Oh, my God, Columbia Hou--?
228
00:11:31,774 --> 00:11:37,247
All I wanted was to mourn the murder
of my crazy-hot Russian fiancée...
229
00:11:37,405 --> 00:11:39,123
...by becoming a pirate king!
230
00:11:39,282 --> 00:11:42,126
But I guess that was too much to ask!
231
00:11:42,285 --> 00:11:47,382
So Mother can keep her stupid ransom,
because I don't need her!
232
00:11:47,540 --> 00:11:53,593
What I do need
is some fricking crab shampoo!
233
00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:57,183
Noah! Wounded!
No, no, I'm--
234
00:11:57,342 --> 00:11:59,811
Maybe some psychic scarring, yes,
but physically I'm--
235
00:11:59,969 --> 00:12:01,266
Tend to the wounded!
236
00:12:01,429 --> 00:12:05,229
Oh, right, right. Right, of course, of course.
Not him. Start with Lana.
237
00:12:05,391 --> 00:12:07,985
I'm fine. Check on Ray.
ARCHER: Yeah, he is not looking good.
238
00:12:08,144 --> 00:12:10,146
Although, neither is Riley.
Ah, ah, ah, ah.
239
00:12:10,313 --> 00:12:12,736
And neither is your situation. Ha! Heh-heh.
240
00:12:12,899 --> 00:12:17,826
Because you can forget ransom,
now you and your friends will die here.
241
00:12:17,987 --> 00:12:21,036
Yeah, speaking of forgetting, couple things.
One, these aren't my friends.
242
00:12:21,199 --> 00:12:22,246
243
00:12:22,408 --> 00:12:24,661
Got that right.
I mean her, yes, kind of, maybe...
244
00:12:24,827 --> 00:12:27,296
...but there's a lot of weird sexual tension.
LANA: Ha!
245
00:12:27,455 --> 00:12:31,005
But these other three, whatever, who cares?
I mean, Noah's a slave.
246
00:12:31,167 --> 00:12:34,592
Heh. Yeah, about that--
Noah, not now. And two...
247
00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:37,007
Aha! But I shoot gun many times...
248
00:12:37,173 --> 00:12:40,427
...and in all the excitement,
I lose track myself. Ah.
249
00:12:40,593 --> 00:12:44,348
So now you thinking,
"Did he fire eight shots, or only--?"
250
00:12:44,514 --> 00:12:47,518
Four, idiot. So get your things, we're leaving.
251
00:12:47,684 --> 00:12:51,905
Okay, can I just run up to my hovel quick and
grab the only extant copy of my dissertation?
252
00:12:52,063 --> 00:12:55,442
Noah, still got four bullets.
Oh, God, do you know what "extant" means?
253
00:12:55,608 --> 00:12:57,861
You know what "license to kill" means?
254
00:12:58,695 --> 00:13:00,368
I'll write another one.
255
00:13:00,530 --> 00:13:03,079
The world holds its breath.
256
00:13:06,869 --> 00:13:09,873
LANA:
Ray? Ray, come on honey, stay with me.
257
00:13:10,039 --> 00:13:12,087
Ray? Ray?
258
00:13:12,250 --> 00:13:13,297
Ray?
259
00:13:13,459 --> 00:13:15,962
ARCHER: Not sure that's helping.
Yeah? Well, neither are you!
260
00:13:16,129 --> 00:13:17,722
Lana, I only have two hands.
261
00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:19,598
What I don't have, is all day.
262
00:13:19,757 --> 00:13:21,475
There, I finished. Jeez, damn.
263
00:13:21,634 --> 00:13:25,730
ARCHER: How you doing, Riley?
How the hell do you think I'm doing?
264
00:13:25,888 --> 00:13:29,734
Hey, relax, Nick Furious.
Save your strength for flying the chopper.
265
00:13:29,892 --> 00:13:33,487
And again, I'm just incredibly sorry.
266
00:13:33,646 --> 00:13:35,899
What's your blood type?
Heh. How would I know?
267
00:13:36,065 --> 00:13:38,909
How would you not?
Who am I, Karl Landsteiner?
268
00:13:39,068 --> 00:13:41,070
Discoverer of blood groups?
269
00:13:41,237 --> 00:13:44,582
You don't know your own blood type,
but you know who discovered them.
270
00:13:44,741 --> 00:13:45,913
Yeah, now.
271
00:13:46,409 --> 00:13:48,582
Your exact words, Pam.
272
00:13:48,745 --> 00:13:51,874
"Dr. Charles Drew,
or I will eat a bag of dicks."
273
00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:53,087
274
00:13:53,249 --> 00:13:54,250
Bring them.
275
00:13:54,417 --> 00:13:58,263
And not to diminish the accomplishments
of Dr. Charles Drew, but--
276
00:13:58,421 --> 00:14:01,595
Goddamn it, Archer.
Ray needs O-positive blood or he's gonna die.
277
00:14:01,758 --> 00:14:04,762
So give him some of yours.
I'm A-negative.
278
00:14:04,927 --> 00:14:07,271
Hey, me too.
And even if Riley is O-positive--
279
00:14:07,430 --> 00:14:10,274
No, I'm A-negative too. Eh? Blow it up.
280
00:14:10,433 --> 00:14:13,437
--He's already a quart low, so...
281
00:14:13,603 --> 00:14:14,604
NOAH:
Oh...
282
00:14:14,771 --> 00:14:17,399
Positive?
Yeah.
283
00:14:17,565 --> 00:14:23,072
One of these days, I swear to God, I'm gonna
burn this place straight down to the ground.
284
00:14:23,237 --> 00:14:24,284
Oh, my God, yes.
285
00:14:24,447 --> 00:14:25,448
286
00:14:25,615 --> 00:14:26,662
What about this Sunday?
287
00:14:26,824 --> 00:14:28,667
Unless you want people in here,
in which case--
288
00:14:28,826 --> 00:14:30,123
289
00:14:30,286 --> 00:14:31,333
290
00:14:31,496 --> 00:14:32,543
291
00:14:32,705 --> 00:14:33,752
292
00:14:33,915 --> 00:14:34,962
CYRIL: Aah!
Five-0. Five-O.
293
00:14:35,124 --> 00:14:37,627
Cyril, never mind moving that money.
294
00:14:37,794 --> 00:14:42,049
What money? Oh, really? You sure?
Because all I need to do is just--
295
00:14:42,215 --> 00:14:45,469
Re-evaluate your entire life.
And yes, I'm sure.
296
00:14:45,635 --> 00:14:49,640
Sterling can get himself out of this jam,
for once.
297
00:14:49,806 --> 00:14:54,607
Oh, and don't be here on Sunday, Pam.
298
00:14:54,769 --> 00:14:56,988
Why just me? What's happening Sunday?
299
00:14:57,146 --> 00:15:00,491
Probably my grisly murder,
because we still haven't found that password.
300
00:15:00,650 --> 00:15:02,152
Did you try "guest"?
301
00:15:02,318 --> 00:15:04,286
No, Pam, I didn't, because I'm not an id--
302
00:15:04,445 --> 00:15:05,492
303
00:15:05,655 --> 00:15:06,656
Oh, eat a dick.
304
00:15:06,823 --> 00:15:07,870
305
00:15:08,032 --> 00:15:09,158
Bring it.
306
00:15:09,867 --> 00:15:12,666
How much of my blood does he need?
I don't know, 10 gills?
307
00:15:12,829 --> 00:15:14,331
What? U.S. or imperial?
308
00:15:14,497 --> 00:15:17,842
Just keep squeezing that gag-ball
that I don't wanna know why you have.
309
00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:19,502
Uh, no, you do not.
310
00:15:19,669 --> 00:15:23,390
You will never make it to the helicopter.
My men will cut you down like dogs.
311
00:15:23,548 --> 00:15:27,178
Thanks, human shield.
Although, where the hell are all your men?
312
00:15:27,343 --> 00:15:28,344
Are you serious?
313
00:15:28,511 --> 00:15:30,309
They're all at the intramural
lacrosse finals.
314
00:15:30,471 --> 00:15:31,563
The what?
Ow!
315
00:15:31,722 --> 00:15:35,192
Lana, shut up. That's today?
Yeah, it's right now. Well, in 10 minutes.
316
00:15:35,351 --> 00:15:36,477
Who's playing?
LANA: Archer.
317
00:15:36,644 --> 00:15:38,521
Uh, the Lax-mi Singhers--
318
00:15:39,021 --> 00:15:40,648
They made it to the finals?
Uh-huh.
319
00:15:40,815 --> 00:15:42,488
--Versus the Archers of Loafcrosse.
320
00:15:42,650 --> 00:15:44,778
What? That's my team.
Archer.
321
00:15:44,944 --> 00:15:47,823
Lana, I'm team captain.
I built that team from nothing, and--
322
00:15:47,989 --> 00:15:50,208
Archer. Ray is dying.
323
00:15:50,366 --> 00:15:52,334
Does that mean so must my dream?
324
00:15:52,660 --> 00:15:57,166
I think it's great that for once you're getting
out of a jam without your mother's help, but--
325
00:15:57,582 --> 00:16:00,836
Not for once, Lana. Hello? Columbia House.
326
00:16:01,002 --> 00:16:03,881
But remember earlier,
when you said you and I were friends?
327
00:16:04,046 --> 00:16:07,346
Of course.
I mean, I know we fight a lot, but...
328
00:16:07,508 --> 00:16:11,058
God, now that I think about it,
you're my only friend.
329
00:16:11,220 --> 00:16:12,392
Uh, wow.
330
00:16:12,555 --> 00:16:15,308
Right?
Yes, Archer, because if you do this--
331
00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:16,897
Please don't make me choose.
332
00:16:17,059 --> 00:16:22,566
--I will never, ever forgive you,
and we will never, ever be friends again.
333
00:16:25,151 --> 00:16:26,528
334
00:16:26,736 --> 00:16:28,784
335
00:16:28,946 --> 00:16:30,414
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
336
00:16:30,573 --> 00:16:33,042
Birds-eye view of lacrosse!
337
00:16:33,201 --> 00:16:36,705
Lana. Lana, we got the face-off.
Hooray.
338
00:16:36,871 --> 00:16:38,589
Now, can we please get out of here?
339
00:16:38,748 --> 00:16:41,467
Because we are totally vulnerable.
340
00:16:41,626 --> 00:16:43,424
ARCHER:
I know, look at our defenders.
341
00:16:43,586 --> 00:16:45,930
LANA:
He's not talking about the defenders.
342
00:16:46,088 --> 00:16:48,762
ARCHER:
The crease, idiots! Guard the crease!
343
00:16:48,925 --> 00:16:50,598
Lurch, what are you doing?
344
00:16:50,760 --> 00:16:53,434
Middies, come on, get in position!
345
00:16:53,596 --> 00:16:58,944
Oh, shit, they are.
No, look, they're all bunched-- Oh. Oh!
346
00:16:59,727 --> 00:17:00,774
Incoming!
347
00:17:00,937 --> 00:17:02,405
Yee...
Oh, no!
348
00:17:02,563 --> 00:17:04,736
Wait, Lana. Don't--
Aah!
349
00:17:04,899 --> 00:17:07,573
Get some! Get some, you sons of bitches!
350
00:17:07,735 --> 00:17:09,783
351
00:17:09,946 --> 00:17:12,415
Suck it!
No!
352
00:17:12,573 --> 00:17:14,200
Hang on.
353
00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:15,414
354
00:17:15,576 --> 00:17:17,123
ARCHER: Lana!
LANA: Archer!
355
00:17:17,453 --> 00:17:18,625
ARCHER: What, Lana?
LANA: I--
356
00:17:20,248 --> 00:17:21,420
Nothing. I got you.
357
00:17:21,582 --> 00:17:24,051
You got me. Well, that's just super.
358
00:17:24,210 --> 00:17:25,883
What the hell is your problem?
359
00:17:26,045 --> 00:17:29,515
My problem, Lana, is you just
Bonnie and Clyded my starting middies.
360
00:17:29,674 --> 00:17:33,144
Archer, they were--
Redshirt freshmen, Lana, who I was grooming.
361
00:17:33,302 --> 00:17:35,430
But now I guess the Archers of Loafcrosse...
362
00:17:35,596 --> 00:17:38,566
...can forget about the South Pacific
lacrosse championships!
363
00:17:38,724 --> 00:17:41,568
Yeah, that's not a thing.
If and when that becomes a thing!
364
00:17:41,727 --> 00:17:45,982
Hey, here's a thing. Your mother doesn't know
you ran away to be a pirate, so--
365
00:17:46,148 --> 00:17:48,822
No. Lana, seriously, she--
She would literally kill you.
366
00:17:48,985 --> 00:17:51,408
Well, figurative-- Yeah, literally.
367
00:17:51,571 --> 00:17:55,826
So now, for the rest of your idiot life,
I've got that on you.
368
00:17:55,992 --> 00:17:57,164
Right? Wow.
369
00:17:57,326 --> 00:17:59,624
NOAH:
Oh, my God.
370
00:17:59,787 --> 00:18:02,757
Just screw already.
Seriously.
371
00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:05,168
Then kill each other. And then shut up.
372
00:18:05,334 --> 00:18:09,589
And then kill each other again.
And call me, so I can watch you do it.
373
00:18:10,089 --> 00:18:12,183
MALORY:
Sterling, I don't know how you did it, but--
374
00:18:12,341 --> 00:18:15,345
Well, except for Rip's eye,
you got everyone home in one piece.
375
00:18:15,511 --> 00:18:16,512
ARCHER:
No thanks to you.
376
00:18:16,679 --> 00:18:19,228
Well, it's about time
you did something on your own.
377
00:18:19,390 --> 00:18:21,643
Columbia House Record Club.
378
00:18:21,809 --> 00:18:24,403
Archer, the important thing
is that we're home.
379
00:18:24,562 --> 00:18:28,442
And that we spare Malory the details
of your time on Pirate Island.
380
00:18:28,608 --> 00:18:30,201
WW. what happened?
381
00:18:30,359 --> 00:18:34,739
Nothing. Well, you know,
besides a lot of, um, pretty horrific torture...
382
00:18:34,905 --> 00:18:38,125
...which, Mother, if you had seen,
would have broken your heart.
383
00:18:38,284 --> 00:18:40,127
But why dwell on that? We're home.
384
00:18:40,286 --> 00:18:43,790
And my mourning period for, um...
Katya?
385
00:18:43,956 --> 00:18:46,675
Is over. So, hey, it's a happy ending.
386
00:18:46,834 --> 00:18:47,881
387
00:18:48,044 --> 00:18:50,843
Yeah. Yeah, it's just a big old
goddamn fairy tale.
388
00:18:51,005 --> 00:18:54,726
Fairy tale? Uh, phrasing?
389
00:18:55,051 --> 00:18:58,555
Ray, I'm kidding. Don't be like that.
390
00:18:59,221 --> 00:19:02,225
CHERYL:
Ugh, gross. Keep it moving, cripple.
391
00:19:02,391 --> 00:19:05,736
GILLETTE: Shut up.
Ray? Ray.
392
00:19:06,062 --> 00:19:07,689
Ray?
393
00:19:08,397 --> 00:19:11,025
Oh, okay. Then I guess just pout.
394
00:19:47,269 --> 00:19:48,270