Oh, God.
ARCHER: Ugh, no, forget the glass, Woodhouse, just gimme the pitcher...
For I am a sinner in the hands of an angry God.
Bloody Mary, full of vodka, blessed are you among cocktails...
Pray for me, now and at the hour of my death, which I hope is soon, amen.
WOODHOUSE: Er, perhaps a coddled egg... ARCHER: No. No eggs, Woodhouse.
Maybe ever again.
WOODHOUSE: Some dry toast?
ARCHER: Yeah, or you could skip a step and just feed me some vomit.
WOODHOUSE: Not like you to get a hangover, sir.
ARCHER: Yeah, I don't know what happened.
I kinda remember being at the wake... MALORY: Oh, you poor dear.
On behalf of his fellow ISIS agents, please let me be the first to
offer my condolences.
ARCHER: And let me be the first to welcome you back into the dating pool.
(burp) And-or-also my new, hic, hot tub.
But after that it's just... snippets.
I think I had one more drink there... EVERYBODY: Drink, drink, drink, drink!
ARCHER: And then I think I took a cab... Hang on, wait, lemme see some hands!
Who wants chicken and waffles?!
How did we bring food in here?!
Oh, and also, did we lose some people?!
PAM: Lana'n Cyril bailed!
Triflin bitches!
Here! Less yer a triflin bitch too!
ARCHER: Agh! What'd I just put inside me?!
PAM: Green Russians!
It's absinthe and... Milk, sweet shitsnacks lookit those!
ARCHER: Oh! My! God!
That's right!
It's somewhat coming back to me!
PAM: Woooo!
I'm Pacman Jones!
ARCHER: Come home with me!
Plus my valet will give you some heroin!
WOODHOUSE: Thankfully I didn't have to share.
ARCHER: But she did, she came home with me!
I remember!
I mean, Green Russians, it's fuzzy, I don't remember this...
But I do remember her being the best sex I've ever had in my life!
WOODHOUSE: Er -- ARCHER: Shut up, and that includes Europe, Lana,
WOODHOUSE: Sir...?
ARCHER: Phone number?!
Matchbook?!
I don't know her name, where she works... Woodhouse, how am I gonna find her?!
WOODHOUSE: Ahem.
You might check the loo.
ARCHER: What, here?!
Why didn't you say so?!
WOODHOUSE: Oww!
ARCHER: Oww!
Ow, ow, ow... Uh, so hey, hi.
I'm Sterling Archer, you may remember me from the strip club,
and hopefully also from what was hands down the most incredible
sex that I personally have ever had.
Hello? Oh right, so I know we had an implied oral agreement about heroin...
PAM: Heroin?!
ARCHER: Wh-?!
PAM: That's the last frickin thing I need.
I'm bound up tighter'n dick's hatband.
ARCHER: No, not... were you...? Did we...?
PAM: Yeah, we did.
And you loved it!
ARCHER: [incoherent gibberish]
KATHUMP!
[FART]
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PAM: Okay, jeez, I get it!
ARCHER: Well, you say that, but I worry that you think I'm
exaggerating when I say... PAM: That I was the best sex you ever had?
ARCHER: No... That if anybody ever finds out about it, I will literally -
Pam, look at me- I will literally murder you.
PAM: Not literally... ARCHER: Yes literally!
You will wake up in three separate fifty-gallon drums!
PAM: That's a hundred and fifty gallons.
Of Pam's hot, dirty, ball-slappiney... ARCHER: Gaaghh!
PAM: Come at me bro!
How ya gonna keep 'em, down on the farm, after they seen Pam-ee?
ARCHER: Yeah, how're you gonna... I mean, my God, you can't,
that, that was just -- MALORY: Disgusting!
And I hoped I would never have to say this, but you finally topped your
tenth grade sports banquet!
ARCHER: I -- okay first of all, Mrs. Coach Mumford came on to me.
And second of all... what're we talking about?
MALORY: Hitting on your dead colleague's widow?!
At his own wake?!
ARCHER: Oh, that.
- Okay, so... - So help me God, Sterling, sometimes I think
that I've failed as a mother.
ARCHER: Sometimes?
MALORY: Oh shut up, and the last thing you need is another drink.
LANA: Ugh, seriously, how can you be drinking after last night?
ARCHER: How can you not?
LANA: Because I don't have a problem.
MALORY: Well, I do... ARCHER: First step's admitting it, Mother.
MALORY: Wh-?
Not with drinking!
ARCHER: Eh... LANA: Eh... MALORY: My problem, besides your snide remarks
is Nikolai Jakov, head of the KGB.
LANA: And also possibly Archer's father.
ARCHER: Wh-?
MALORY: How do you know about that?!
LANA: Because I'm part of Everybody?
MALORY: Damn that blabbermouthing Pam... ARCHER: Why, what'd she say?!
Besides the stuff about Jakov, which obviously is what you meant, so...
MALORY: So, Nikolai has been dropping hints that he may want to defect.
ARCHER: What?!
LANA: That's awesome!
MALORY: I think you mean awful.
LANA: Uh, ISIS getting an inside look at every single
KGB operation in the world?
And that's awful how?
MALORY: Because he thinks he's going to move in with me!
Me, who happens to be in a relationship with Burt Reynolds,
in case you've forgotten?
ARCHER: I actually did forget that.
LANA: Yeah, I never see you together.
I mean, are you like dating, or...?
MALORY: It's... complicated.
What with our work schedules, and... work, it's hard to find time
for actual dates.
LANA: But you do see one another... MALORY: Well yes of course, but --
ARCHER: But never in public, right?
Only at your place, or maybe a hotel, or... PAM: Or on the dirty floor in
the elevator?
MALORY: Wh-? Pam!
Get your bloated carcass -- ARCHER: Out, I got it, I'm on this I got it!
MALORY: How did she know about the elevator?
LANA: I -- ew.
MALORY: Burt made sure I erased the security tape.
Wait, could -- you don't think Burt's ashamed to be seen with me?
Lana.
LANA: I'm sorry?
ARCHER: Well I'm sorry, but if anybody ever found out I'd die of shame!
PAM: Well how do ya think that makes me feel?!
ARCHER: I don't care Pam!
Now, having said that, would you please come in this
dirty toilet stall and have sex with me.
PAM: Ugh, oh alright!
But this time get in there.
All ya been doin' is givin'
one side hell.
BARRY: Well, when you put it like that it sounds kinda shitty.
JAKOV: Thirty years of my life I giff to the KGB?!
End now you, this, this traitorous cyborg?!
Are seeting et my desk?!
How would you put it?!
BARRY: Yeah, you really got cornholed, huh?
Wait, don't answer yet, because I'm also reassigning you to Siberia.
JAKOV: Wh-?! Siberia?!
BARRY: Barry can't have you moping around here, you know...
sowing the discontent!
BORIS: Is bad for morale.
JAKOV: Et tu, Brute?!
BORIS: Et me, buddy.
JAKOV: Rrrrrgh!
BARRY: So here's my advice to you: dress in layers.
And don't even think about doing anything crazy like defecting...
JAKOV: I would never defect!
I love Mother Russia!
BARRY: Even when you're chopping through the ice in the toilet so you can poop?
I'm kidding, obviously.
You'll be like, six hundred miles from a toilet.
ARCHER: Sorry, had to go to the bathroom, nothing unusual,
just uh, you know, normal, um, bodily waste excretion.
MALORY: If you're quite finished... ARCHER: Damn near.
MALORY:... then go home, sober up, and make sure your apartment is secure.
ARCHER: Uh, why?
To all three of those?
MALORY: Because if and when Nikolai shows up here,
he's not staying at my place... ARCHER: Well, he's not staying with me!
MALORY: Then go prep the safehouse.
Because you can bet every KGB agent and freelance assassin
this side of Berlin will be hunting him down like a dog.
ARCHER: Who hunts dogs?
CHERYL/CAROL: Orientals, duh!
BARRY: So when you say you assume Jakov got on that train to Siberia,
you know what you're doing?
BORIS: I mek you ess.
BARRY: And Barry doesn't like!
Being made an ass, he really doesn't.
And as you can -- well it's over there now, but the telex from the Siberia
desk says Jakov never showed up!
Now why do you think that might be?!
BORIS: Ummm... JAKOV: Thenk you, Boris!
I wun't forget this!
BORIS: I promised myself I don't cry.
Promise broke.
BARRY: What was that?
BORIS: Ellergies?
BARRY: To what, making sure people get on trains?!
Nice one other Barry.
Now Jakov's got a twelve-hour head start, and the details of every single
KGB operation on the globe in his fat, combed-over head!
BORIS: Da, end we hef no idea where he went!
BARRY: Well I assume he's in New York, with those
shitbitchingassbastard Archers!
BORIS: But... BARRY: I can assume!
You're already an ass!
So contact our sleeper in New York and then cancel all my meetings this week,
because I will also be in New York.
Murdering people.
JAKOV: Eh, dunt tek this the wrung way?
But I pictured you having nicer apartment.
[Laughter]
Why thet is funny?
MALORY: Hm? Oh no, sorry, there's a funny Marmaduke on the fridge.
JAKOV: A what?
MALORY: And this is actually, ahem, the ISIS safehouse, cheers!
JAKOV: Safehouse?
But Melory, I assumed... MALORY: Which you shouldn't have!
What, you thought you'd just show up out of the blue and we'd move in together?
JAKOV: Pretty much, yeah.
MALORY: Nikolai, it's not that I don't- am not very fond of you, I mean,
we have such history together, and... JAKOV: End mebbe a son?
MALORY: Mmmmaybe, but... JAKOV: But so?
Where is he?
LANA: Good question.
He was supposed to prep this dump... GILLETTE: And didn't.
LANA: -- and now he's supposed to be here for the first shift of guard duty.
CYRIL: And isn't.
JAKOV: Uh -- LANA: Hi, Lana Kane, you must be Major Jakov, such a pleasure,
be a lamb and take those to the kitchen?
So.
I think I speak for all of us when I say we shouldn't be the
only ones guarding your maybe-baby-daddy.
MALORY: I can't believe you all know about that... JAKOV: Wow, thet is big dog!
MALORY: Marmaduke.
And regardless of any... personal ties I may have with Nikolai,
he's a invaluable asset and we have to protect him!
I mean, you know... at least until he's been debriefed.
LANA: And then?
What, he's on his own?
MALORY: Um... LANA: Wow.
ARCHER: I'm serious, you are literally draining the life out of me.
PAM: C'mon, you make me sound like some kinda... chupacabra, but for dicks.
ARCHER: A terrifying yet accurate comparison.
Where did you learn all that stuff?
PAM: You know I grew up on a farm, right?
ARCHER: Really hoping that's not relevant.
WOODHOUSE: Ms. Kane... and your mother.
ARCHER: Hooray... PAM: I gotta bounce.
Later taters.
ARCHER: Lana listen, if this is a booty call, I'm flattered, but --
LANA: Oh my God.
MALORY: You're supposed to be guarding Nikolai!
ARCHER: Yeah, so about that, I mean, don't you think that's gonna be..kinda...
JAKOV: [sniffling, weeping]
ARCHER: Awkward?
CYRIL: I actually think it's kinda sweet.
ARCHER: Little help?
LANA: No, you're good.
The camera's set up for the debriefing, and one of us will relieve you
in like, eight hours?
ARCHER: Wait, where are you guys going?!
GILLETTE: Uh, a town called work?
LANA: Neutralizing a KGB sleeper in Brooklyn, thanks to this intel from the
major.
JAKOV: It was least I could do.
LANA: Since otherwise he'd kill you?
JAKOV: Is win-win.
LANA: Is it?
JAKOV: So!
ARCHER: Yeah.
JAKOV: Sterlink!
ARCHER: Yeah.
JAKOV: Is long time.
ARCHER: Yeah, when was... oh! I guess when I was in the
dreaded Lubyanka with jumper cables clamped to my balls!
JAKOV: So da, this is... a little awkward.
ARCHER: Yeah.
JAKOV: Maybe some shots?
ARCHER: Yeah let's try that!
LANA: Any time now... Cyril. Cyril!
CYRIL: Lana, I -- I don't think I'm cut out for this.
LANA: Well, don't take this the wrong way, but neither does anyone else.
Just pretend he's, like, a rabid dog.
CYRIL: Oh God, just like Old Yeller!
GILLETTE: Yeah, if Old Yeller had a big stack of KGB codebooks and fif - forty
thousand bucks in a floor safe.
LANA: And was also identified as a sleeper agent by the head of the KGB!
KGB AGENT: Who, Barry?!
LANA: What?
KGB AGENT: White?
You guys like smooth R&B?
GILLETTE: Duh.
LANA: Are you telling me Barry "The Bionic Douchebag" Dylan is running the KGB?
KGB AGENT: Only if I can defect, too.
Because that dude is out of his damn mind.
LANA: I'm listening.
KGB AGENT: He's crazy!
I mean he's smart, way smarter than Jakov, but -- oh, and you can bet Jakov's
intel is bad!
LANA: Really?
This isn't your kneecap?
KGB AGENT: Don't you get it?
Barry gave me up so you'd trust Jakov on the rest!
He knew Jakov wanted to defect, so... LANA: So he's been feeding him fake intel?
KGB AGENT: I mean I assume!
Because Barry's got a master plan, which, when you hear it,
will probably make your head explo... LANA: Jesus! GILLETTE: Jesus!
LANA: Ahem. Cyril?
CYRIL: I'm sorry!
LANA: Yes.
Yes you are.
JAKOV: Is I who em sorry!
I should hef been there for you!
ARCHER: Shut up, don't do that, I mean what were you gonna do, marry my mother?
Have you met her?
Oww!
JAKOV: Dun't you ever disrespect her!
ARCHER: You're not my dad!
[Laughter]
JAKOV: How would you know?!
ARCHER: I know, right?!
JAKOV: But I hef to say, you dun't look like me!
ARCHER: And don't take this the wrong way, but thank Christ!
Oww!
CHERYL/CAROL: Watch it!
You dumb idiot!
BARRY: Oh man, I am so sorry!
Here, lemme get you some... oh my God, Cheryl?
CHERYL/CAROL: Barry?!
BARRY: Wow, I was hoping I'd bump into you!
CHERYL/CAROL: Wait, really?
BARRY: And darn if I didn't!
Literally!
CHERYL/CAROL: You -- wait a minute, why am I thinking you live in like, Russia?
BARRY: Mmmmaybe the tracksuit?
CHERYL/CAROL: Duh, right, and which, by the way, you are totally rockiiiing.
BARRY: Oh, that's just... my huge muscles.
CHERYL/CAROL: So tell me... how strong are you?
BARRY: Insanely, wanna get outta here?
CHERYL/CAROL: Oh my God, totally, but like it has to be
your place, because mine reeks of ocelot piss.
BARRY: I have no response to that... CHERYL/CAROL: Doesn't merit one.
BARRY:... and my place is currently flooding so... CHERYL/CAROL: Hotel?
BARRY: Damn, no money.
Tracksuit, no pockets.
CHERYL/CAROL: Damn it!
BARRY: I know, it's the one single drawback.
Wait, doesn't ISIS have a safehouse?
CHERYL/CAROL: Yeah, but... You have promise that all that
horrific stuff I think I remember about you is just false memories?
BARRY: I... CHERYL/CAROL: Because I get those a lot.
BARRY: Cross the microchip in my heart.
CHERYL/CAROL: Don't get all girly on me.
Check!
MALORY: Hold the door!
Hold the door!
PAM: Headin out?
MALORY: No, I thought I'd just take all my things for a ride on the elevator.
PAM: Okay.
MALORY: I actually have a date.
With Burt Reynolds.
We're watching Gator.
PAM: Your place?
MALORY: Well if we go out, you know, he's just mobbed, so...
PAM: So it's a DVD, a box of wine and some Hot Pockets, and off to bed.
MALORY: No!
Well, it's not a box of wine.
Pam, let me ask you something... JAKOV: How ken you just leave me here?!
ARCHER: Mainly because I have an incredibly addictive personality.
So just debrief yourself with the camera, and when I get back we'll talk
about the DNA test thing, if, ya know, you're still into doing that.
JAKOV: Of course I em still into thet!
But in meantime, you think I will be safe?
ARCHER: God, what's Russian for duh?
It's a safehouse!
Nobody knows where it is!
CHERYL/CAROL: Well, here it is!
BARRY: Neat.
Can I see your neck a minute?
CHERYL/CAROL: Oh, Barry... Barry? Barry!
Barrryyyygrrghhh!
PAM: ... my point is, if you're confident in yourself as a woman,
who cares if he wants to keep it on the DL?
MALORY: Well yes, but... PAM: But nothin!
Because who's to say you're not using him for sex?
MALORY: Pam, don't take this the wrong way?
But you're not nearly as stupid as you look.
PAM: Okay.
ARCHER: Mmmyello?
LANA: Archer don't talk, just listen!
ARCHER: Why, what's up?
What're you -- LANA: Jakov's intel is bad and Barry's got some sort of master
plan that we're clueless about, thanks to Cyril -- CYRIL: Who has apologized
profusely... GILLETTE: Quiet game!
LANA: -- so we're gonna regroup at the safehouse and try to... figure out...
God damn it.
GILLETTE: What.
LANA: Wait for it.
ARCHER: Ha ha haaaa!
Leave it!
JAKOV: Da, da!
Keep your shirt on!
BARRY: Barry doesn't wear a shirt.
Ruins Barry's whole tracksuit vibe.
MALORY: I swear to God, if he put as much effort into
his job as he does into those idiot voicemails...
and you say got this from a KGB sleeper?
LANA: Right before Cyril blew his head off.
MALORY: What?!
JAKOV: You son of bitch, you ektually think you will get away with this?!
BARRY: Obviously!
Why else would I do it?
JAKOV: Who knows with you, you're crezzy!
BARRY: Am I?!
Between Archer ruining my life and you dicks turning me into
a cyborg, I'm kind of amazed I'm even this sane.
Which is obviously a relative term, but --
JAKOV: What are you doing?
BARRY: Rationalizing my behavior.
JAKOV: With gess.
BARRY: Oh.
Killing you.
JAKOV: Oh.
BARRY: Oh, Marmaduke... JAKOV: End gess is nut so bad
way to die... BARRY: Well again, relative term.
JAKOV: End efterwerd, if Sterlink want,
he ken still get some DNA from my body,
end find out if I em his real father.
BARRY: Which I'm sure would provide him with some
much-needed closure... Which is why it's not gonna happen.
JAKOV: Why, what is thet?
BARRY: This - glad you asked - is a block of ice with a fork
frozen in it.
JAKOV: What are you doing with it?
BARRY: I am putting this fork-filled block of ice in this
microwave oven... Now I'm setting the timer for five -- Oh heck,
let's call it ten minutes.
Doesn't matter, ice can't tell time.
JAKOV: It ken unly melt... BARRY: And when it does...
JAKOV: Spark from fork, gas from stuv... BARRY: Booom.
JAKOV: End no DNA left for papa test... BARRY: Nope.
Just uncertainty and doubt.
Which hopefully, over time, will eventually drive Archer insane.
JAKOV: End this, this is your mester plen?
BARRY: Huh?
Oh, no, that's this whole other awesome thing.
This is just a goof.
Later, tater!
JAKOV: Sterlink.
If by some miracle this video tep survives the explosion,
there is somethink very important I wunt you to know...
PAM: First thing is, yer shitter's clogged.
ARCHER: Don't care, can't feel my legs... PAM: Second thing is,
if you want me to keep doin ya dirty on the down-low --
ARCHER: Yes!
Yes yes yes.
PAM: Then we are gonna have some ground rules.
To wit!
MALORY: Barry?!
Was here?!
CYRIL: Yeah, but she says he took off after he -- here, you tell her.
CHERYL/CAROL: Okay so, Barry brought me here --
MALORY: How did he know where "here" was?
CHERYL/CAROL: No idea, but so then he strangled me,
which at first was hot, he's super strong, but then I was like,
floating toward this really bright light and some guy with a beard.
MALORY: Jesus Christ- CHERYL/CAROL: Or Richie Havens!
MALORY: Nikolai!
JAKOV: End so, Sterlink... remember, things are not always
what they appear.
ARCHER: Mmmyello?
Hello?
Oh for -- Mother this isn't voicemail.
Mother, c'mon... The time is... exactly seven sixteen,
and I wish they were, but even my voicemail pranks
aren't that elaborate.
Mother!
MALORY: Sterling?
ARCHER: Leave it... just kidding.
MALORY: Sterling, it's me... ARCHER: Duh. Where are you,
what's all that -- Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Okay. Yeah.
PAM: What's up?
ARCHER: That was um... my uh...the man who might've been my father... just died.
PAM: Awkward.
ARCHER: And it's all my fault, because instead of doing my job,
I was here... Half-drunk and having amazing sex.
PAM: Well... I wouldn't say amazing... What?
C'mon, you were pushin rope!
Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com
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