1 00:00:02,035 --> 00:00:03,548 Oh, God. 2 00:00:03,668 --> 00:00:07,337 ARCHER: Ugh, no, forget the glass, Woodhouse, just gimme the pitcher... 3 00:00:07,689 --> 00:00:10,528 For I am a sinner in the hands of an angry God. 4 00:00:10,530 --> 00:00:14,142 Bloody Mary, full of vodka, blessed are you among cocktails... 5 00:00:14,144 --> 00:00:20,123 Pray for me, now and at the hour of my death, which I hope is soon, amen. 6 00:00:20,125 --> 00:00:26,806 WOODHOUSE: Er, perhaps a coddled egg... ARCHER: No. No eggs, Woodhouse. 7 00:00:26,808 --> 00:00:28,076 Maybe ever again. 8 00:00:28,078 --> 00:00:29,545 WOODHOUSE: Some dry toast? 9 00:00:29,547 --> 00:00:31,846 ARCHER: Yeah, or you could skip a step and just feed me some vomit. 10 00:00:31,848 --> 00:00:34,652 WOODHOUSE: Not like you to get a hangover, sir. 11 00:00:34,654 --> 00:00:36,153 ARCHER: Yeah, I don't know what happened. 12 00:00:36,155 --> 00:00:41,959 I kinda remember being at the wake... MALORY: Oh, you poor dear. 13 00:00:41,961 --> 00:00:45,563 On behalf of his fellow ISIS agents, please let me be the first to 14 00:00:45,565 --> 00:00:47,330 offer my condolences. 15 00:00:47,332 --> 00:00:52,368 ARCHER: And let me be the first to welcome you back into the dating pool. 16 00:00:52,370 --> 00:00:55,638 (burp) And-or-also my new, hic, hot tub. 17 00:00:55,640 --> 00:00:57,775 But after that it's just... snippets. 18 00:00:57,777 --> 00:01:01,913 I think I had one more drink there... EVERYBODY: Drink, drink, drink, drink! 19 00:01:01,915 --> 00:01:07,753 ARCHER: And then I think I took a cab... Hang on, wait, lemme see some hands! 20 00:01:07,755 --> 00:01:11,056 Who wants chicken and waffles?! 21 00:01:11,058 --> 00:01:13,325 How did we bring food in here?! 22 00:01:13,327 --> 00:01:15,728 Oh, and also, did we lose some people?! 23 00:01:15,730 --> 00:01:17,830 PAM: Lana'n Cyril bailed! 24 00:01:17,832 --> 00:01:19,299 Triflin bitches! 25 00:01:19,301 --> 00:01:23,036 Here! Less yer a triflin bitch too! 26 00:01:23,038 --> 00:01:26,606 ARCHER: Agh! What'd I just put inside me?! 27 00:01:26,608 --> 00:01:27,774 PAM: Green Russians! 28 00:01:27,776 --> 00:01:33,380 It's absinthe and... Milk, sweet shitsnacks lookit those! 29 00:01:33,382 --> 00:01:35,750 ARCHER: Oh! My! God! 30 00:01:35,752 --> 00:01:36,651 That's right! 31 00:01:36,653 --> 00:01:39,956 It's somewhat coming back to me! 32 00:01:39,958 --> 00:01:40,824 PAM: Woooo! 33 00:01:40,826 --> 00:01:42,293 I'm Pacman Jones! 34 00:01:42,295 --> 00:01:43,895 ARCHER: Come home with me! 35 00:01:43,897 --> 00:01:46,965 Plus my valet will give you some heroin! 36 00:01:46,967 --> 00:01:49,834 WOODHOUSE: Thankfully I didn't have to share. 37 00:01:49,836 --> 00:01:51,704 ARCHER: But she did, she came home with me! 38 00:01:51,706 --> 00:01:52,372 I remember! 39 00:01:52,374 --> 00:01:55,575 I mean, Green Russians, it's fuzzy, I don't remember this... 40 00:01:55,577 --> 00:01:59,346 But I do remember her being the best sex I've ever had in my life! 41 00:01:59,348 --> 00:02:02,150 WOODHOUSE: Er -- ARCHER: Shut up, and that includes Europe, Lana, 42 00:02:07,291 --> 00:02:07,989 WOODHOUSE: Sir...? 43 00:02:07,991 --> 00:02:08,890 ARCHER: Phone number?! 44 00:02:08,892 --> 00:02:09,391 Matchbook?! 45 00:02:09,393 --> 00:02:12,928 I don't know her name, where she works... Woodhouse, how am I gonna find her?! 46 00:02:12,930 --> 00:02:13,896 WOODHOUSE: Ahem. 47 00:02:13,898 --> 00:02:15,531 You might check the loo. 48 00:02:15,533 --> 00:02:16,465 ARCHER: What, here?! 49 00:02:16,467 --> 00:02:17,799 Why didn't you say so?! 50 00:02:17,801 --> 00:02:19,067 WOODHOUSE: Oww! 51 00:02:19,069 --> 00:02:20,903 ARCHER: Oww! 52 00:02:20,905 --> 00:02:27,142 Ow, ow, ow... Uh, so hey, hi. 53 00:02:27,144 --> 00:02:31,413 I'm Sterling Archer, you may remember me from the strip club, 54 00:02:31,415 --> 00:02:34,417 and hopefully also from what was hands down the most incredible 55 00:02:34,419 --> 00:02:37,520 sex that I personally have ever had. 56 00:02:37,522 --> 00:02:45,597 Hello? Oh right, so I know we had an implied oral agreement about heroin... 57 00:02:45,599 --> 00:02:46,464 PAM: Heroin?! 58 00:02:46,466 --> 00:02:47,098 ARCHER: Wh-?! 59 00:02:47,100 --> 00:02:50,535 PAM: That's the last frickin thing I need. 60 00:02:50,537 --> 00:02:53,372 I'm bound up tighter'n dick's hatband. 61 00:02:53,374 --> 00:02:57,576 ARCHER: No, not... were you...? Did we...? 62 00:02:57,578 --> 00:02:58,744 PAM: Yeah, we did. 63 00:02:58,746 --> 00:02:59,978 And you loved it! 64 00:02:59,980 --> 00:03:02,314 ARCHER: [incoherent gibberish] 65 00:03:02,316 --> 00:03:04,450 KATHUMP! 66 00:03:04,452 --> 00:03:05,402 [FART] 67 00:03:05,522 --> 00:03:16,181 Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com 68 00:03:18,000 --> 00:03:24,074 Watch Movies, TV Series and Live Sports Signup Here -> WWW.ADMITME.APP 69 00:03:39,683 --> 00:03:41,642 PAM: Okay, jeez, I get it! 70 00:03:41,762 --> 00:03:43,620 ARCHER: Well, you say that, but I worry that you think I'm 71 00:03:43,622 --> 00:03:47,924 exaggerating when I say... PAM: That I was the best sex you ever had? 72 00:03:47,926 --> 00:03:52,629 ARCHER: No... That if anybody ever finds out about it, I will literally - 73 00:03:52,749 --> 00:03:55,566 Pam, look at me- I will literally murder you. 74 00:03:55,568 --> 00:03:58,036 PAM: Not literally... ARCHER: Yes literally! 75 00:03:58,038 --> 00:04:00,872 You will wake up in three separate fifty-gallon drums! 76 00:04:00,874 --> 00:04:03,641 PAM: That's a hundred and fifty gallons. 77 00:04:03,643 --> 00:04:08,979 Of Pam's hot, dirty, ball-slappiney... ARCHER: Gaaghh! 78 00:04:08,981 --> 00:04:12,215 PAM: Come at me bro! 79 00:04:12,217 --> 00:04:18,422 How ya gonna keep 'em, down on the farm, after they seen Pam-ee? 80 00:04:18,424 --> 00:04:22,894 ARCHER: Yeah, how're you gonna... I mean, my God, you can't, 81 00:04:22,896 --> 00:04:25,363 that, that was just -- MALORY: Disgusting! 82 00:04:25,365 --> 00:04:28,900 And I hoped I would never have to say this, but you finally topped your 83 00:04:28,902 --> 00:04:30,803 tenth grade sports banquet! 84 00:04:30,805 --> 00:04:34,840 ARCHER: I -- okay first of all, Mrs. Coach Mumford came on to me. 85 00:04:34,842 --> 00:04:37,243 And second of all... what're we talking about? 86 00:04:37,245 --> 00:04:39,912 MALORY: Hitting on your dead colleague's widow?! 87 00:04:39,914 --> 00:04:41,147 At his own wake?! 88 00:04:41,149 --> 00:04:42,482 ARCHER: Oh, that. 89 00:04:42,484 --> 00:04:45,852 - Okay, so... - So help me God, Sterling, sometimes I think 90 00:04:45,854 --> 00:04:48,288 that I've failed as a mother. 91 00:04:48,290 --> 00:04:49,322 ARCHER: Sometimes? 92 00:04:49,324 --> 00:04:52,125 MALORY: Oh shut up, and the last thing you need is another drink. 93 00:04:52,127 --> 00:04:55,862 LANA: Ugh, seriously, how can you be drinking after last night? 94 00:04:55,864 --> 00:04:56,763 ARCHER: How can you not? 95 00:04:56,765 --> 00:04:59,566 LANA: Because I don't have a problem. 96 00:04:59,568 --> 00:05:02,904 MALORY: Well, I do... ARCHER: First step's admitting it, Mother. 97 00:05:02,906 --> 00:05:03,538 MALORY: Wh-? 98 00:05:03,540 --> 00:05:04,672 Not with drinking! 99 00:05:04,674 --> 00:05:08,343 ARCHER: Eh... LANA: Eh... MALORY: My problem, besides your snide remarks 100 00:05:08,345 --> 00:05:11,080 is Nikolai Jakov, head of the KGB. 101 00:05:11,082 --> 00:05:13,416 LANA: And also possibly Archer's father. 102 00:05:13,418 --> 00:05:13,950 ARCHER: Wh-? 103 00:05:13,952 --> 00:05:15,718 MALORY: How do you know about that?! 104 00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:17,287 LANA: Because I'm part of Everybody? 105 00:05:17,289 --> 00:05:20,356 MALORY: Damn that blabbermouthing Pam... ARCHER: Why, what'd she say?! 106 00:05:20,358 --> 00:05:24,828 Besides the stuff about Jakov, which obviously is what you meant, so... 107 00:05:24,830 --> 00:05:27,831 MALORY: So, Nikolai has been dropping hints that he may want to defect. 108 00:05:27,833 --> 00:05:28,498 ARCHER: What?! 109 00:05:28,500 --> 00:05:29,199 LANA: That's awesome! 110 00:05:29,201 --> 00:05:30,767 MALORY: I think you mean awful. 111 00:05:30,769 --> 00:05:33,470 LANA: Uh, ISIS getting an inside look at every single 112 00:05:33,472 --> 00:05:35,305 KGB operation in the world? 113 00:05:35,307 --> 00:05:36,507 And that's awful how? 114 00:05:36,509 --> 00:05:39,577 MALORY: Because he thinks he's going to move in with me! 115 00:05:39,579 --> 00:05:42,613 Me, who happens to be in a relationship with Burt Reynolds, 116 00:05:42,615 --> 00:05:44,548 in case you've forgotten? 117 00:05:44,550 --> 00:05:46,183 ARCHER: I actually did forget that. 118 00:05:46,185 --> 00:05:47,952 LANA: Yeah, I never see you together. 119 00:05:47,954 --> 00:05:49,787 I mean, are you like dating, or...? 120 00:05:49,789 --> 00:05:51,155 MALORY: It's... complicated. 121 00:05:51,157 --> 00:05:56,060 What with our work schedules, and... work, it's hard to find time 122 00:05:56,062 --> 00:05:57,394 for actual dates. 123 00:05:57,396 --> 00:06:01,532 LANA: But you do see one another... MALORY: Well yes of course, but -- 124 00:06:01,534 --> 00:06:03,100 ARCHER: But never in public, right? 125 00:06:03,102 --> 00:06:07,038 Only at your place, or maybe a hotel, or... PAM: Or on the dirty floor in 126 00:06:07,040 --> 00:06:08,039 the elevator? 127 00:06:08,041 --> 00:06:09,274 MALORY: Wh-? Pam! 128 00:06:09,276 --> 00:06:14,079 Get your bloated carcass -- ARCHER: Out, I got it, I'm on this I got it! 129 00:06:14,081 --> 00:06:16,214 MALORY: How did she know about the elevator? 130 00:06:16,216 --> 00:06:17,215 LANA: I -- ew. 131 00:06:17,217 --> 00:06:19,785 MALORY: Burt made sure I erased the security tape. 132 00:06:19,787 --> 00:06:25,723 Wait, could -- you don't think Burt's ashamed to be seen with me? 133 00:06:25,725 --> 00:06:26,390 Lana. 134 00:06:26,392 --> 00:06:27,225 LANA: I'm sorry? 135 00:06:27,227 --> 00:06:30,394 ARCHER: Well I'm sorry, but if anybody ever found out I'd die of shame! 136 00:06:30,396 --> 00:06:33,364 PAM: Well how do ya think that makes me feel?! 137 00:06:33,366 --> 00:06:35,832 ARCHER: I don't care Pam! 138 00:06:35,834 --> 00:06:37,869 Now, having said that, would you please come in this 139 00:06:37,871 --> 00:06:40,238 dirty toilet stall and have sex with me. 140 00:06:40,240 --> 00:06:42,574 PAM: Ugh, oh alright! 141 00:06:42,576 --> 00:06:44,276 But this time get in there. 142 00:06:44,278 --> 00:06:45,511 All ya been doin' is givin' 143 00:06:45,513 --> 00:06:46,946 one side hell. 144 00:06:46,948 --> 00:06:49,282 BARRY: Well, when you put it like that it sounds kinda shitty. 145 00:06:49,284 --> 00:06:53,252 JAKOV: Thirty years of my life I giff to the KGB?! 146 00:06:53,254 --> 00:06:56,989 End now you, this, this traitorous cyborg?! 147 00:06:56,991 --> 00:06:58,958 Are seeting et my desk?! 148 00:06:58,960 --> 00:07:00,326 How would you put it?! 149 00:07:00,328 --> 00:07:03,095 BARRY: Yeah, you really got cornholed, huh? 150 00:07:03,097 --> 00:07:06,531 Wait, don't answer yet, because I'm also reassigning you to Siberia. 151 00:07:06,533 --> 00:07:07,899 JAKOV: Wh-?! Siberia?! 152 00:07:07,901 --> 00:07:10,502 BARRY: Barry can't have you moping around here, you know... 153 00:07:10,504 --> 00:07:12,771 sowing the discontent! 154 00:07:12,773 --> 00:07:13,972 BORIS: Is bad for morale. 155 00:07:13,974 --> 00:07:15,940 JAKOV: Et tu, Brute?! 156 00:07:15,942 --> 00:07:17,375 BORIS: Et me, buddy. 157 00:07:17,377 --> 00:07:18,109 JAKOV: Rrrrrgh! 158 00:07:18,111 --> 00:07:19,944 BARRY: So here's my advice to you: dress in layers. 159 00:07:19,946 --> 00:07:24,282 And don't even think about doing anything crazy like defecting... 160 00:07:24,284 --> 00:07:25,984 JAKOV: I would never defect! 161 00:07:25,986 --> 00:07:27,686 I love Mother Russia! 162 00:07:27,688 --> 00:07:31,089 BARRY: Even when you're chopping through the ice in the toilet so you can poop? 163 00:07:31,091 --> 00:07:33,091 I'm kidding, obviously. 164 00:07:33,093 --> 00:07:36,195 You'll be like, six hundred miles from a toilet. 165 00:07:36,197 --> 00:07:38,397 ARCHER: Sorry, had to go to the bathroom, nothing unusual, 166 00:07:38,399 --> 00:07:42,268 just uh, you know, normal, um, bodily waste excretion. 167 00:07:42,270 --> 00:07:44,770 MALORY: If you're quite finished... ARCHER: Damn near. 168 00:07:44,772 --> 00:07:48,374 MALORY:... then go home, sober up, and make sure your apartment is secure. 169 00:07:48,376 --> 00:07:49,542 ARCHER: Uh, why? 170 00:07:49,544 --> 00:07:50,543 To all three of those? 171 00:07:50,545 --> 00:07:52,946 MALORY: Because if and when Nikolai shows up here, 172 00:07:52,948 --> 00:07:56,650 he's not staying at my place... ARCHER: Well, he's not staying with me! 173 00:07:56,652 --> 00:07:58,218 MALORY: Then go prep the safehouse. 174 00:07:58,220 --> 00:08:02,255 Because you can bet every KGB agent and freelance assassin 175 00:08:02,257 --> 00:08:06,660 this side of Berlin will be hunting him down like a dog. 176 00:08:06,662 --> 00:08:07,728 ARCHER: Who hunts dogs? 177 00:08:07,730 --> 00:08:10,799 CHERYL/CAROL: Orientals, duh! 178 00:08:12,041 --> 00:08:16,644 BARRY: So when you say you assume Jakov got on that train to Siberia, 179 00:08:16,646 --> 00:08:17,612 you know what you're doing? 180 00:08:17,614 --> 00:08:18,826 BORIS: I mek you ess. 181 00:08:18,946 --> 00:08:20,984 BARRY: And Barry doesn't like! 182 00:08:22,251 --> 00:08:24,651 Being made an ass, he really doesn't. 183 00:08:24,653 --> 00:08:28,589 And as you can -- well it's over there now, but the telex from the Siberia 184 00:08:28,591 --> 00:08:31,149 desk says Jakov never showed up! 185 00:08:31,269 --> 00:08:33,294 Now why do you think that might be?! 186 00:08:33,296 --> 00:08:36,296 BORIS: Ummm... JAKOV: Thenk you, Boris! 187 00:08:36,298 --> 00:08:38,732 I wun't forget this! 188 00:08:38,734 --> 00:08:42,202 BORIS: I promised myself I don't cry. 189 00:08:42,204 --> 00:08:44,103 Promise broke. 190 00:08:44,105 --> 00:08:46,038 BARRY: What was that? 191 00:08:46,040 --> 00:08:47,173 BORIS: Ellergies? 192 00:08:47,175 --> 00:08:51,710 BARRY: To what, making sure people get on trains?! 193 00:08:51,712 --> 00:08:53,378 Nice one other Barry. 194 00:08:53,380 --> 00:08:57,715 Now Jakov's got a twelve-hour head start, and the details of every single 195 00:08:57,717 --> 00:09:01,318 KGB operation on the globe in his fat, combed-over head! 196 00:09:01,320 --> 00:09:04,087 BORIS: Da, end we hef no idea where he went! 197 00:09:04,089 --> 00:09:05,956 BARRY: Well I assume he's in New York, with those 198 00:09:05,958 --> 00:09:08,124 shitbitchingassbastard Archers! 199 00:09:08,126 --> 00:09:09,492 BORIS: But... BARRY: I can assume! 200 00:09:09,494 --> 00:09:11,595 You're already an ass! 201 00:09:11,597 --> 00:09:15,566 So contact our sleeper in New York and then cancel all my meetings this week, 202 00:09:15,568 --> 00:09:18,136 because I will also be in New York. 203 00:09:18,138 --> 00:09:20,005 Murdering people. 204 00:09:20,007 --> 00:09:22,174 JAKOV: Eh, dunt tek this the wrung way? 205 00:09:22,176 --> 00:09:26,612 But I pictured you having nicer apartment. 206 00:09:26,614 --> 00:09:27,580 [Laughter] 207 00:09:27,582 --> 00:09:29,049 Why thet is funny? 208 00:09:29,051 --> 00:09:32,853 MALORY: Hm? Oh no, sorry, there's a funny Marmaduke on the fridge. 209 00:09:32,855 --> 00:09:33,454 JAKOV: A what? 210 00:09:33,456 --> 00:09:38,226 MALORY: And this is actually, ahem, the ISIS safehouse, cheers! 211 00:09:38,228 --> 00:09:39,228 JAKOV: Safehouse? 212 00:09:39,230 --> 00:09:42,765 But Melory, I assumed... MALORY: Which you shouldn't have! 213 00:09:42,767 --> 00:09:46,569 What, you thought you'd just show up out of the blue and we'd move in together? 214 00:09:46,571 --> 00:09:48,704 JAKOV: Pretty much, yeah. 215 00:09:48,706 --> 00:09:53,676 MALORY: Nikolai, it's not that I don't- am not very fond of you, I mean, 216 00:09:53,678 --> 00:09:58,481 we have such history together, and... JAKOV: End mebbe a son? 217 00:09:58,483 --> 00:10:02,050 MALORY: Mmmmaybe, but... JAKOV: But so? 218 00:10:02,052 --> 00:10:03,184 Where is he? 219 00:10:03,186 --> 00:10:04,552 LANA: Good question. 220 00:10:04,554 --> 00:10:07,121 He was supposed to prep this dump... GILLETTE: And didn't. 221 00:10:07,123 --> 00:10:09,523 LANA: -- and now he's supposed to be here for the first shift of guard duty. 222 00:10:09,525 --> 00:10:10,424 CYRIL: And isn't. 223 00:10:10,426 --> 00:10:14,093 JAKOV: Uh -- LANA: Hi, Lana Kane, you must be Major Jakov, such a pleasure, 224 00:10:14,095 --> 00:10:17,096 be a lamb and take those to the kitchen? 225 00:10:17,098 --> 00:10:17,463 So. 226 00:10:17,465 --> 00:10:20,199 I think I speak for all of us when I say we shouldn't be the 227 00:10:20,201 --> 00:10:22,435 only ones guarding your maybe-baby-daddy. 228 00:10:22,437 --> 00:10:28,174 MALORY: I can't believe you all know about that... JAKOV: Wow, thet is big dog! 229 00:10:28,176 --> 00:10:29,008 MALORY: Marmaduke. 230 00:10:29,010 --> 00:10:32,078 And regardless of any... personal ties I may have with Nikolai, 231 00:10:32,080 --> 00:10:35,081 he's a invaluable asset and we have to protect him! 232 00:10:35,083 --> 00:10:38,619 I mean, you know... at least until he's been debriefed. 233 00:10:38,621 --> 00:10:39,386 LANA: And then? 234 00:10:39,388 --> 00:10:41,321 What, he's on his own? 235 00:10:41,323 --> 00:10:44,125 MALORY: Um... LANA: Wow. 236 00:10:44,127 --> 00:10:46,960 ARCHER: I'm serious, you are literally draining the life out of me. 237 00:10:46,962 --> 00:10:51,899 PAM: C'mon, you make me sound like some kinda... chupacabra, but for dicks. 238 00:10:51,901 --> 00:10:54,869 ARCHER: A terrifying yet accurate comparison. 239 00:10:54,871 --> 00:10:56,237 Where did you learn all that stuff? 240 00:10:56,239 --> 00:10:59,240 PAM: You know I grew up on a farm, right? 241 00:10:59,242 --> 00:11:01,643 ARCHER: Really hoping that's not relevant. 242 00:11:01,645 --> 00:11:04,645 WOODHOUSE: Ms. Kane... and your mother. 243 00:11:04,647 --> 00:11:06,047 ARCHER: Hooray... PAM: I gotta bounce. 244 00:11:06,049 --> 00:11:07,315 Later taters. 245 00:11:07,317 --> 00:11:10,519 ARCHER: Lana listen, if this is a booty call, I'm flattered, but -- 246 00:11:10,521 --> 00:11:11,220 LANA: Oh my God. 247 00:11:11,222 --> 00:11:12,888 MALORY: You're supposed to be guarding Nikolai! 248 00:11:12,890 --> 00:11:17,093 ARCHER: Yeah, so about that, I mean, don't you think that's gonna be..kinda... 249 00:11:17,095 --> 00:11:19,963 JAKOV: [sniffling, weeping] 250 00:11:19,965 --> 00:11:20,797 ARCHER: Awkward? 251 00:11:20,799 --> 00:11:22,499 CYRIL: I actually think it's kinda sweet. 252 00:11:22,501 --> 00:11:23,233 ARCHER: Little help? 253 00:11:23,235 --> 00:11:24,001 LANA: No, you're good. 254 00:11:24,003 --> 00:11:26,603 The camera's set up for the debriefing, and one of us will relieve you 255 00:11:26,605 --> 00:11:28,038 in like, eight hours? 256 00:11:28,040 --> 00:11:29,440 ARCHER: Wait, where are you guys going?! 257 00:11:29,442 --> 00:11:30,874 GILLETTE: Uh, a town called work? 258 00:11:30,876 --> 00:11:34,345 LANA: Neutralizing a KGB sleeper in Brooklyn, thanks to this intel from the 259 00:11:34,347 --> 00:11:35,012 major. 260 00:11:35,014 --> 00:11:36,947 JAKOV: It was least I could do. 261 00:11:36,949 --> 00:11:39,083 LANA: Since otherwise he'd kill you? 262 00:11:39,085 --> 00:11:40,417 JAKOV: Is win-win. 263 00:11:40,419 --> 00:11:45,022 LANA: Is it? 264 00:11:45,024 --> 00:11:46,990 JAKOV: So! 265 00:11:46,992 --> 00:11:47,857 ARCHER: Yeah. 266 00:11:47,859 --> 00:11:49,526 JAKOV: Sterlink! 267 00:11:49,528 --> 00:11:50,360 ARCHER: Yeah. 268 00:11:50,362 --> 00:11:51,661 JAKOV: Is long time. 269 00:11:51,663 --> 00:11:55,064 ARCHER: Yeah, when was... oh! I guess when I was in the 270 00:11:55,066 --> 00:12:00,303 dreaded Lubyanka with jumper cables clamped to my balls! 271 00:12:00,305 --> 00:12:05,307 JAKOV: So da, this is... a little awkward. 272 00:12:05,309 --> 00:12:06,308 ARCHER: Yeah. 273 00:12:06,310 --> 00:12:07,309 JAKOV: Maybe some shots? 274 00:12:07,311 --> 00:12:09,512 ARCHER: Yeah let's try that! 275 00:12:09,514 --> 00:12:16,118 LANA: Any time now... Cyril. Cyril! 276 00:12:16,120 --> 00:12:19,222 CYRIL: Lana, I -- I don't think I'm cut out for this. 277 00:12:19,224 --> 00:12:22,524 LANA: Well, don't take this the wrong way, but neither does anyone else. 278 00:12:22,526 --> 00:12:24,360 Just pretend he's, like, a rabid dog. 279 00:12:24,362 --> 00:12:26,429 CYRIL: Oh God, just like Old Yeller! 280 00:12:26,431 --> 00:12:30,699 GILLETTE: Yeah, if Old Yeller had a big stack of KGB codebooks and fif - forty 281 00:12:30,701 --> 00:12:32,501 thousand bucks in a floor safe. 282 00:12:32,503 --> 00:12:35,971 LANA: And was also identified as a sleeper agent by the head of the KGB! 283 00:12:35,973 --> 00:12:37,172 KGB AGENT: Who, Barry?! 284 00:12:37,174 --> 00:12:37,773 LANA: What? 285 00:12:37,775 --> 00:12:38,507 KGB AGENT: White? 286 00:12:38,509 --> 00:12:39,608 You guys like smooth R&B? 287 00:12:39,610 --> 00:12:40,108 GILLETTE: Duh. 288 00:12:40,110 --> 00:12:46,147 LANA: Are you telling me Barry "The Bionic Douchebag" Dylan is running the KGB? 289 00:12:46,149 --> 00:12:47,749 KGB AGENT: Only if I can defect, too. 290 00:12:47,751 --> 00:12:50,352 Because that dude is out of his damn mind. 291 00:12:50,354 --> 00:12:51,854 LANA: I'm listening. 292 00:12:51,856 --> 00:12:53,121 KGB AGENT: He's crazy! 293 00:12:53,123 --> 00:12:57,559 I mean he's smart, way smarter than Jakov, but -- oh, and you can bet Jakov's 294 00:12:57,561 --> 00:12:58,627 intel is bad! 295 00:12:58,629 --> 00:12:59,261 LANA: Really? 296 00:12:59,263 --> 00:13:00,396 This isn't your kneecap? 297 00:13:00,398 --> 00:13:01,630 KGB AGENT: Don't you get it? 298 00:13:01,632 --> 00:13:04,600 Barry gave me up so you'd trust Jakov on the rest! 299 00:13:04,602 --> 00:13:09,171 He knew Jakov wanted to defect, so... LANA: So he's been feeding him fake intel? 300 00:13:09,173 --> 00:13:10,372 KGB AGENT: I mean I assume! 301 00:13:10,374 --> 00:13:13,041 Because Barry's got a master plan, which, when you hear it, 302 00:13:13,043 --> 00:13:18,245 will probably make your head explo... LANA: Jesus! GILLETTE: Jesus! 303 00:13:18,247 --> 00:13:19,279 LANA: Ahem. Cyril? 304 00:13:19,281 --> 00:13:20,447 CYRIL: I'm sorry! 305 00:13:20,449 --> 00:13:21,815 LANA: Yes. 306 00:13:21,817 --> 00:13:23,484 Yes you are. 307 00:13:23,486 --> 00:13:25,653 JAKOV: Is I who em sorry! 308 00:13:25,655 --> 00:13:28,055 I should hef been there for you! 309 00:13:28,057 --> 00:13:33,994 ARCHER: Shut up, don't do that, I mean what were you gonna do, marry my mother? 310 00:13:33,996 --> 00:13:35,262 Have you met her? 311 00:13:35,264 --> 00:13:35,762 Oww! 312 00:13:35,764 --> 00:13:39,132 JAKOV: Dun't you ever disrespect her! 313 00:13:39,134 --> 00:13:42,936 ARCHER: You're not my dad! 314 00:13:42,938 --> 00:13:45,172 [Laughter] 315 00:13:45,174 --> 00:13:47,741 JAKOV: How would you know?! 316 00:13:47,743 --> 00:13:49,209 ARCHER: I know, right?! 317 00:13:49,211 --> 00:13:53,481 JAKOV: But I hef to say, you dun't look like me! 318 00:13:53,483 --> 00:13:57,619 ARCHER: And don't take this the wrong way, but thank Christ! 319 00:13:57,621 --> 00:13:58,620 Oww! 320 00:13:58,622 --> 00:13:59,521 CHERYL/CAROL: Watch it! 321 00:13:59,523 --> 00:14:00,055 You dumb idiot! 322 00:14:00,057 --> 00:14:01,089 BARRY: Oh man, I am so sorry! 323 00:14:01,091 --> 00:14:04,760 Here, lemme get you some... oh my God, Cheryl? 324 00:14:04,762 --> 00:14:06,061 CHERYL/CAROL: Barry?! 325 00:14:06,063 --> 00:14:08,597 BARRY: Wow, I was hoping I'd bump into you! 326 00:14:08,599 --> 00:14:09,431 CHERYL/CAROL: Wait, really? 327 00:14:09,433 --> 00:14:11,266 BARRY: And darn if I didn't! 328 00:14:11,268 --> 00:14:11,934 Literally! 329 00:14:11,936 --> 00:14:15,237 CHERYL/CAROL: You -- wait a minute, why am I thinking you live in like, Russia? 330 00:14:15,239 --> 00:14:17,206 BARRY: Mmmmaybe the tracksuit? 331 00:14:17,208 --> 00:14:20,476 CHERYL/CAROL: Duh, right, and which, by the way, you are totally rockiiiing. 332 00:14:20,478 --> 00:14:24,446 BARRY: Oh, that's just... my huge muscles. 333 00:14:24,448 --> 00:14:27,649 CHERYL/CAROL: So tell me... how strong are you? 334 00:14:27,651 --> 00:14:29,917 BARRY: Insanely, wanna get outta here? 335 00:14:29,919 --> 00:14:31,485 CHERYL/CAROL: Oh my God, totally, but like it has to be 336 00:14:31,487 --> 00:14:33,854 your place, because mine reeks of ocelot piss. 337 00:14:33,856 --> 00:14:37,723 BARRY: I have no response to that... CHERYL/CAROL: Doesn't merit one. 338 00:14:37,725 --> 00:14:41,526 BARRY:... and my place is currently flooding so... CHERYL/CAROL: Hotel? 339 00:14:41,528 --> 00:14:42,861 BARRY: Damn, no money. 340 00:14:42,863 --> 00:14:44,329 Tracksuit, no pockets. 341 00:14:44,331 --> 00:14:45,130 CHERYL/CAROL: Damn it! 342 00:14:45,132 --> 00:14:47,666 BARRY: I know, it's the one single drawback. 343 00:14:47,668 --> 00:14:50,368 Wait, doesn't ISIS have a safehouse? 344 00:14:50,370 --> 00:14:52,904 CHERYL/CAROL: Yeah, but... You have promise that all that 345 00:14:52,906 --> 00:14:56,107 horrific stuff I think I remember about you is just false memories? 346 00:14:56,109 --> 00:14:58,309 BARRY: I... CHERYL/CAROL: Because I get those a lot. 347 00:14:58,311 --> 00:15:01,279 BARRY: Cross the microchip in my heart. 348 00:15:01,281 --> 00:15:03,447 CHERYL/CAROL: Don't get all girly on me. 349 00:15:03,449 --> 00:15:04,515 Check! 350 00:15:06,057 --> 00:15:07,098 MALORY: Hold the door! 351 00:15:07,218 --> 00:15:08,371 Hold the door! 352 00:15:08,556 --> 00:15:09,855 PAM: Headin out? 353 00:15:09,857 --> 00:15:13,392 MALORY: No, I thought I'd just take all my things for a ride on the elevator. 354 00:15:13,394 --> 00:15:14,493 PAM: Okay. 355 00:15:14,495 --> 00:15:16,162 MALORY: I actually have a date. 356 00:15:16,164 --> 00:15:17,396 With Burt Reynolds. 357 00:15:17,398 --> 00:15:18,665 We're watching Gator. 358 00:15:18,667 --> 00:15:19,532 PAM: Your place? 359 00:15:19,534 --> 00:15:23,536 MALORY: Well if we go out, you know, he's just mobbed, so... 360 00:15:23,538 --> 00:15:27,440 PAM: So it's a DVD, a box of wine and some Hot Pockets, and off to bed. 361 00:15:27,442 --> 00:15:27,974 MALORY: No! 362 00:15:27,976 --> 00:15:30,176 Well, it's not a box of wine. 363 00:15:30,178 --> 00:15:36,282 Pam, let me ask you something... JAKOV: How ken you just leave me here?! 364 00:15:36,284 --> 00:15:39,953 ARCHER: Mainly because I have an incredibly addictive personality. 365 00:15:39,955 --> 00:15:43,256 So just debrief yourself with the camera, and when I get back we'll talk 366 00:15:43,258 --> 00:15:47,060 about the DNA test thing, if, ya know, you're still into doing that. 367 00:15:47,062 --> 00:15:50,263 JAKOV: Of course I em still into thet! 368 00:15:50,265 --> 00:15:53,433 But in meantime, you think I will be safe? 369 00:15:53,435 --> 00:15:55,402 ARCHER: God, what's Russian for duh? 370 00:15:55,404 --> 00:15:56,469 It's a safehouse! 371 00:15:56,471 --> 00:15:57,871 Nobody knows where it is! 372 00:15:57,873 --> 00:15:59,807 CHERYL/CAROL: Well, here it is! 373 00:15:59,809 --> 00:16:00,608 BARRY: Neat. 374 00:16:00,610 --> 00:16:02,176 Can I see your neck a minute? 375 00:16:02,178 --> 00:16:09,585 CHERYL/CAROL: Oh, Barry... Barry? Barry! 376 00:16:09,587 --> 00:16:12,955 Barrryyyygrrghhh! 377 00:16:12,957 --> 00:16:15,958 PAM: ... my point is, if you're confident in yourself as a woman, 378 00:16:15,960 --> 00:16:18,494 who cares if he wants to keep it on the DL? 379 00:16:18,496 --> 00:16:21,363 MALORY: Well yes, but... PAM: But nothin! 380 00:16:21,365 --> 00:16:24,500 Because who's to say you're not using him for sex? 381 00:16:24,502 --> 00:16:26,802 MALORY: Pam, don't take this the wrong way? 382 00:16:26,804 --> 00:16:29,504 But you're not nearly as stupid as you look. 383 00:16:29,506 --> 00:16:31,906 PAM: Okay. 384 00:16:31,908 --> 00:16:32,640 ARCHER: Mmmyello? 385 00:16:32,642 --> 00:16:34,542 LANA: Archer don't talk, just listen! 386 00:16:34,544 --> 00:16:35,410 ARCHER: Why, what's up? 387 00:16:35,412 --> 00:16:37,946 What're you -- LANA: Jakov's intel is bad and Barry's got some sort of master 388 00:16:37,948 --> 00:16:41,684 plan that we're clueless about, thanks to Cyril -- CYRIL: Who has apologized 389 00:16:41,686 --> 00:16:43,486 profusely... GILLETTE: Quiet game! 390 00:16:43,488 --> 00:16:48,024 LANA: -- so we're gonna regroup at the safehouse and try to... figure out... 391 00:16:48,026 --> 00:16:48,659 God damn it. 392 00:16:48,661 --> 00:16:49,359 GILLETTE: What. 393 00:16:49,361 --> 00:16:51,095 LANA: Wait for it. 394 00:16:51,097 --> 00:16:52,663 ARCHER: Ha ha haaaa! 395 00:16:52,665 --> 00:16:57,668 Leave it! 396 00:16:57,670 --> 00:16:58,736 JAKOV: Da, da! 397 00:16:58,738 --> 00:17:00,204 Keep your shirt on! 398 00:17:00,206 --> 00:17:03,708 BARRY: Barry doesn't wear a shirt. 399 00:17:03,710 --> 00:17:07,111 Ruins Barry's whole tracksuit vibe. 400 00:17:07,113 --> 00:17:09,413 MALORY: I swear to God, if he put as much effort into 401 00:17:09,415 --> 00:17:12,783 his job as he does into those idiot voicemails... 402 00:17:12,785 --> 00:17:15,585 and you say got this from a KGB sleeper? 403 00:17:15,587 --> 00:17:17,520 LANA: Right before Cyril blew his head off. 404 00:17:17,522 --> 00:17:18,755 MALORY: What?! 405 00:17:18,757 --> 00:17:25,528 JAKOV: You son of bitch, you ektually think you will get away with this?! 406 00:17:25,530 --> 00:17:26,629 BARRY: Obviously! 407 00:17:26,631 --> 00:17:28,097 Why else would I do it? 408 00:17:28,099 --> 00:17:30,933 JAKOV: Who knows with you, you're crezzy! 409 00:17:30,935 --> 00:17:33,769 BARRY: Am I?! 410 00:17:33,771 --> 00:17:36,572 Between Archer ruining my life and you dicks turning me into 411 00:17:36,574 --> 00:17:39,676 a cyborg, I'm kind of amazed I'm even this sane. 412 00:17:39,678 --> 00:17:42,278 Which is obviously a relative term, but -- 413 00:17:42,280 --> 00:17:43,380 JAKOV: What are you doing? 414 00:17:43,382 --> 00:17:45,048 BARRY: Rationalizing my behavior. 415 00:17:45,050 --> 00:17:46,049 JAKOV: With gess. 416 00:17:46,051 --> 00:17:47,184 BARRY: Oh. 417 00:17:47,186 --> 00:17:48,418 Killing you. 418 00:17:48,420 --> 00:17:50,254 JAKOV: Oh. 419 00:17:50,256 --> 00:17:54,225 BARRY: Oh, Marmaduke... JAKOV: End gess is nut so bad 420 00:17:54,227 --> 00:17:57,228 way to die... BARRY: Well again, relative term. 421 00:17:57,230 --> 00:18:00,031 JAKOV: End efterwerd, if Sterlink want, 422 00:18:00,033 --> 00:18:02,800 he ken still get some DNA from my body, 423 00:18:02,802 --> 00:18:05,369 end find out if I em his real father. 424 00:18:05,371 --> 00:18:07,705 BARRY: Which I'm sure would provide him with some 425 00:18:07,707 --> 00:18:11,342 much-needed closure... Which is why it's not gonna happen. 426 00:18:11,344 --> 00:18:13,077 JAKOV: Why, what is thet? 427 00:18:13,079 --> 00:18:16,514 BARRY: This - glad you asked - is a block of ice with a fork 428 00:18:16,516 --> 00:18:17,114 frozen in it. 429 00:18:17,116 --> 00:18:18,750 JAKOV: What are you doing with it? 430 00:18:18,752 --> 00:18:22,587 BARRY: I am putting this fork-filled block of ice in this 431 00:18:22,589 --> 00:18:27,124 microwave oven... Now I'm setting the timer for five -- Oh heck, 432 00:18:27,126 --> 00:18:29,059 let's call it ten minutes. 433 00:18:29,061 --> 00:18:30,961 Doesn't matter, ice can't tell time. 434 00:18:30,963 --> 00:18:34,565 JAKOV: It ken unly melt... BARRY: And when it does... 435 00:18:34,567 --> 00:18:39,103 JAKOV: Spark from fork, gas from stuv... BARRY: Booom. 436 00:18:39,105 --> 00:18:43,141 JAKOV: End no DNA left for papa test... BARRY: Nope. 437 00:18:43,143 --> 00:18:44,409 Just uncertainty and doubt. 438 00:18:44,411 --> 00:18:48,480 Which hopefully, over time, will eventually drive Archer insane. 439 00:18:48,482 --> 00:18:51,517 JAKOV: End this, this is your mester plen? 440 00:18:51,519 --> 00:18:52,384 BARRY: Huh? 441 00:18:52,386 --> 00:18:55,453 Oh, no, that's this whole other awesome thing. 442 00:18:55,455 --> 00:18:57,022 This is just a goof. 443 00:18:57,024 --> 00:18:59,857 Later, tater! 444 00:18:59,859 --> 00:19:00,725 JAKOV: Sterlink. 445 00:19:00,727 --> 00:19:05,663 If by some miracle this video tep survives the explosion, 446 00:19:05,665 --> 00:19:09,100 there is somethink very important I wunt you to know... 447 00:19:09,102 --> 00:19:11,402 PAM: First thing is, yer shitter's clogged. 448 00:19:11,404 --> 00:19:14,305 ARCHER: Don't care, can't feel my legs... PAM: Second thing is, 449 00:19:14,307 --> 00:19:17,475 if you want me to keep doin ya dirty on the down-low -- 450 00:19:17,477 --> 00:19:18,676 ARCHER: Yes! 451 00:19:18,678 --> 00:19:19,711 Yes yes yes. 452 00:19:19,713 --> 00:19:22,314 PAM: Then we are gonna have some ground rules. 453 00:19:22,316 --> 00:19:23,315 To wit! 454 00:19:23,317 --> 00:19:24,416 MALORY: Barry?! 455 00:19:24,418 --> 00:19:25,150 Was here?! 456 00:19:25,152 --> 00:19:28,688 CYRIL: Yeah, but she says he took off after he -- here, you tell her. 457 00:19:28,690 --> 00:19:30,924 CHERYL/CAROL: Okay so, Barry brought me here -- 458 00:19:30,926 --> 00:19:34,527 MALORY: How did he know where "here" was? 459 00:19:34,529 --> 00:19:37,664 CHERYL/CAROL: No idea, but so then he strangled me, 460 00:19:37,666 --> 00:19:42,201 which at first was hot, he's super strong, but then I was like, 461 00:19:42,203 --> 00:19:44,903 floating toward this really bright light and some guy with a beard. 462 00:19:44,905 --> 00:19:47,540 MALORY: Jesus Christ- CHERYL/CAROL: Or Richie Havens! 463 00:19:47,542 --> 00:19:49,308 MALORY: Nikolai! 464 00:19:49,310 --> 00:19:55,213 JAKOV: End so, Sterlink... remember, things are not always 465 00:19:55,215 --> 00:20:01,286 what they appear. 466 00:20:01,288 --> 00:20:03,087 ARCHER: Mmmyello? 467 00:20:03,089 --> 00:20:04,355 Hello? 468 00:20:04,357 --> 00:20:07,358 Oh for -- Mother this isn't voicemail. 469 00:20:07,360 --> 00:20:12,430 Mother, c'mon... The time is... exactly seven sixteen, 470 00:20:12,432 --> 00:20:15,299 and I wish they were, but even my voicemail pranks 471 00:20:15,301 --> 00:20:17,901 aren't that elaborate. 472 00:20:17,903 --> 00:20:18,569 Mother! 473 00:20:18,571 --> 00:20:19,370 MALORY: Sterling? 474 00:20:19,372 --> 00:20:21,139 ARCHER: Leave it... just kidding. 475 00:20:21,141 --> 00:20:23,375 MALORY: Sterling, it's me... ARCHER: Duh. Where are you, 476 00:20:23,377 --> 00:20:28,714 what's all that -- Uh-huh. Uh-huh. 477 00:20:28,716 --> 00:20:31,883 Okay. Yeah. 478 00:20:31,885 --> 00:20:32,818 PAM: What's up? 479 00:20:32,820 --> 00:20:42,227 ARCHER: That was um... my uh...the man who might've been my father... just died. 480 00:20:42,229 --> 00:20:43,328 PAM: Awkward. 481 00:20:43,330 --> 00:20:46,832 ARCHER: And it's all my fault, because instead of doing my job, 482 00:20:46,834 --> 00:20:52,603 I was here... Half-drunk and having amazing sex. 483 00:20:52,605 --> 00:20:55,840 PAM: Well... I wouldn't say amazing... What? 484 00:20:55,842 --> 00:20:58,158 C'mon, you were pushin rope! 485 00:20:58,278 --> 00:21:08,978 Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com 486 00:21:09,305 --> 00:22:09,320 Watch Movies, TV Series and Live Sports Signup Here -> WWW.ADMITME.APP