1 00:00:02,723 --> 00:00:04,191 CASTEAU: Why do I seem annoyed? 2 00:00:04,259 --> 00:00:07,761 Let's see... Instead of savoring this espresso, this cigarette, 3 00:00:07,828 --> 00:00:10,130 and the exactly four minutes of free time I have today, 4 00:00:10,198 --> 00:00:12,299 I'm talking to you cockwits. 5 00:00:12,367 --> 00:00:13,300 What else? 6 00:00:13,368 --> 00:00:16,248 Oh, tonight I'm doing a special seating for a bunch of diplomats from the 7 00:00:16,304 --> 00:00:18,071 State Department and Albania. 8 00:00:18,139 --> 00:00:21,141 So not only do I have to create a meal out of yogurt and a goddamn 9 00:00:21,209 --> 00:00:23,510 sheep's head, apparently there's been some vague security 10 00:00:23,577 --> 00:00:27,247 threat, so my highly-trained staff... has been infiltrated! 11 00:00:27,315 --> 00:00:29,383 LANA: Sorry... CASTEAU: By Shithead Squadron. 12 00:00:29,450 --> 00:00:33,186 LANA: Just need to grab some menus, for-- the camera, why is there a camera? 13 00:00:33,254 --> 00:00:35,989 CASTEAU: I assume because this restaurant can't hold three million viewers? 14 00:00:36,057 --> 00:00:36,924 INTERVIEWER (O.S.): Two-point-eight. 15 00:00:36,991 --> 00:00:38,725 CASTEAU: Because it's not promoted properly! 16 00:00:38,793 --> 00:00:40,227 LANA: This is gonna be televised?! 17 00:00:40,295 --> 00:00:41,995 INTERVIEWER (O.S.): Yeah, the show's called Bastard Chef? 18 00:00:42,063 --> 00:00:44,064 LANA: Mm. Scuse me. 19 00:00:44,132 --> 00:00:45,632 CASTEAU: Thank you, giraffe-lady! 20 00:00:45,699 --> 00:00:49,436 Anyway, those ISIS idiots are doing security, and for some inexplicable reason 21 00:00:49,503 --> 00:00:52,839 they have to do that undercover, so- [METAL BOWL HITS FLOOR] 22 00:00:52,907 --> 00:00:54,207 WONG WONG WONG 23 00:00:54,275 --> 00:00:55,608 WONGWONGWONGWONGWONGWONGWONGWONG 24 00:00:55,676 --> 00:01:05,052 WONGWONGWONG... 25 00:01:05,119 --> 00:01:05,852 ARCHER (O.S.): Whoops. 26 00:01:05,920 --> 00:01:08,655 CASTEAU: That's probably why I seem annoyed. 27 00:01:08,722 --> 00:01:10,590 ARCHER: Let's go Chet, c'mon, chop chop. 28 00:01:10,658 --> 00:01:13,093 CYRIL: You're the one who dropped it, why do I have to clean it up? 29 00:01:13,161 --> 00:01:16,796 ARCHER: Because you're the garçon de cuisine, which means kitchen boy, whereas 30 00:01:16,864 --> 00:01:20,700 I am the sous chef, which means shut your face and mop up the damn yogurt. 31 00:01:20,768 --> 00:01:22,169 CYRIL: And why do you get to be sous chef? 32 00:01:22,236 --> 00:01:24,938 ARCHER: Because I have fine dining experience! 33 00:01:25,006 --> 00:01:26,239 I used to own a restaurant. 34 00:01:26,307 --> 00:01:27,607 CYRIL: It was a burger joint! 35 00:01:27,675 --> 00:01:28,241 ARCHER: Cyril? 36 00:01:28,309 --> 00:01:29,609 I mean Chet? 37 00:01:29,677 --> 00:01:30,610 LANA (O.S.): Archer? 38 00:01:30,678 --> 00:01:31,378 ARCHER: She means Randy. 39 00:01:31,446 --> 00:01:32,479 LANA: Can I borrow you? 40 00:01:32,546 --> 00:01:34,681 ARCHER: Sure, Mitzi. 41 00:01:34,748 --> 00:01:36,483 LANA: My name is not Mitzi. 42 00:01:36,550 --> 00:01:37,050 Walk-in. 43 00:01:37,118 --> 00:01:37,851 Now. 44 00:01:37,918 --> 00:01:39,586 ARCHER: Yeah, I got time for a quickie. 45 00:01:39,653 --> 00:01:40,620 CYRIL: Wait, a what? 46 00:01:40,688 --> 00:01:41,888 Arch -- Randy! 47 00:01:41,956 --> 00:01:44,391 Whoaaa, whoaaa... ungh! 48 00:01:44,459 --> 00:01:45,192 (sighs) 49 00:01:45,259 --> 00:01:46,926 You guys can edit that out, right? 50 00:01:46,995 --> 00:01:47,760 INTERVIEWER (O.S.): Yes. 51 00:01:47,828 --> 00:01:49,729 But we won't. 52 00:01:49,797 --> 00:01:53,766 LANA: So, quick question, do you think it's a good idea to be talking to a 53 00:01:53,834 --> 00:01:54,468 TV crew when we're undercover? 54 00:01:54,535 --> 00:01:58,938 ARCHER: Fake names, duh, follow-up question, do you know how TV actually works? 55 00:01:59,007 --> 00:01:59,725 LANA: I -- 56 00:01:59,845 --> 00:02:02,845 ARCHER: They're not gonna broadcast this episode in this restaurant tonight! 57 00:02:02,877 --> 00:02:03,643 Wait, are you guys? 58 00:02:03,711 --> 00:02:06,279 INTERVIEWER (O.S.): No, we -- ARCHER: Like a closed-circuit deal, or...? 59 00:02:06,347 --> 00:02:07,047 INTERVIEWER (O.S.): No. 60 00:02:07,115 --> 00:02:10,283 ARCHER: Because come to think of it, I don't know how TV actually works either. 61 00:02:10,351 --> 00:02:11,472 LANA: How about geopolitics? 62 00:02:11,486 --> 00:02:14,021 ARCHER: Eh... LANA: Because if anything goes wrong tonight, 63 00:02:14,088 --> 00:02:17,690 US-Albanian relations could become even more unstable, so -- 64 00:02:17,758 --> 00:02:18,691 CASTEAU (O.S.): What the shit?! 65 00:02:18,759 --> 00:02:21,428 ARCHER: Speaking of unstable -- that guy is a powder keg. 66 00:02:21,496 --> 00:02:26,033 CASTEAU: Why is there yogurt frickin' soup all over my spotless frickin' kitchen?! 67 00:02:26,100 --> 00:02:26,566 CYRIL: Randy did it. 68 00:02:26,634 --> 00:02:31,104 ARCHER: Whoa whoa, first of all, no I didn't, and second, these bowls are the worst! 69 00:02:31,172 --> 00:02:34,083 ARCHER: Look, they're like, totally slipper-- 70 00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:42,074 Watch Movies, TV Series and Live Sports Signup Here -> WWW.ADMITME.APP 71 00:03:08,872 --> 00:03:19,006 Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com 72 00:03:20,895 --> 00:03:22,596 LANA (O.S.): Seize, please hold. 73 00:03:22,664 --> 00:03:23,797 Seize, please hold. 74 00:03:23,865 --> 00:03:25,232 LANA: Seizepleasehold seizepleasehold! 75 00:03:25,300 --> 00:03:25,940 seizepleasehold! 76 00:03:25,967 --> 00:03:27,100 Rrrg! 77 00:03:27,168 --> 00:03:27,768 CASTEAU: What're you doing? 78 00:03:27,835 --> 00:03:30,337 LANA: Well I'll tell you what I'm not doing -- CASTEAU: Besides your job? 79 00:03:30,405 --> 00:03:33,307 LANA: My job, is -- CASTEAU: Answering the damn phone. 80 00:03:33,375 --> 00:03:37,043 A task so simple that if the health department should let me, I'd have a monkey do it. 81 00:03:37,111 --> 00:03:37,611 LANA: Why? 82 00:03:37,612 --> 00:03:39,012 CASTEAU: No, I was obviously being facetious. 83 00:03:39,080 --> 00:03:40,714 I would never allow a monkey in my restaurant. 84 00:03:40,782 --> 00:03:43,517 Except maybe in the form of an exquisitely prepared entrée. 85 00:03:43,585 --> 00:03:47,554 LANA: No, I mean you're booked solid for... Holy shit, the next ten months? 86 00:03:47,622 --> 00:03:49,390 So why even bother answering the phone? 87 00:03:49,457 --> 00:03:50,991 CASTEAU: To tell people they can't eat here. 88 00:03:51,058 --> 00:03:52,859 LANA: So, to drive people away, basically. 89 00:03:52,927 --> 00:03:53,960 CASTEAU: Those people. 90 00:03:54,028 --> 00:03:56,062 That's not even the real phone number for reservations. 91 00:03:56,130 --> 00:03:56,830 LANA: I'm sorry? 92 00:03:56,898 --> 00:03:58,098 CASTEAU: The real number's a secret. 93 00:03:58,166 --> 00:04:00,334 Closely guarded by people I deem acceptable. 94 00:04:00,402 --> 00:04:03,937 LANA: So, just so I'm clear, instead of assessing the security needs for 95 00:04:04,005 --> 00:04:06,740 tonight, I'm answering phone calls from people who aren't good enough 96 00:04:06,808 --> 00:04:08,275 to eat here in the first place. 97 00:04:08,343 --> 00:04:12,979 CASTEAU: Yeah, so try to sound apologetic, but not, ya know, overly so. 98 00:04:13,047 --> 00:04:13,647 LANA: Seize. 99 00:04:13,715 --> 00:04:16,550 I'm sorry, we have nothing available for the next ten months. 100 00:04:16,618 --> 00:04:18,852 Mmmkaybye. 101 00:04:18,920 --> 00:04:20,053 CASTEAU: Keep trying. 102 00:04:20,121 --> 00:04:21,488 CHERYL/CAROL (O.S.): Ugh, why? 103 00:04:21,556 --> 00:04:22,956 MALORY: Besides I said so? 104 00:04:23,024 --> 00:04:24,057 CHERYL/CAROL: They're booked. 105 00:04:24,125 --> 00:04:25,926 MALORY: If I'd known I couldn't get a table I'd have never 106 00:04:25,993 --> 00:04:27,828 agreed to do security! 107 00:04:27,895 --> 00:04:29,496 PAM: Why do they need security anyway? 108 00:04:29,564 --> 00:04:33,600 MALORY: There was a... threat, of some sort, it's all rather vague, 109 00:04:33,668 --> 00:04:36,437 but when those State Department dweebs see just 110 00:04:36,504 --> 00:04:42,242 how good ISIS really is, mark my words... one day soon we'll be a major player. 111 00:04:42,310 --> 00:04:42,776 CHERYL/CAROL & PAM: 112 00:04:42,844 --> 00:04:44,244 [suppressed chuckling] 113 00:04:44,312 --> 00:04:44,745 MALORY: What. 114 00:04:44,813 --> 00:04:47,548 CHERYL/CAROL: No, you know, just... PAM (still chuckling): You say 115 00:04:47,615 --> 00:04:49,616 that like you believe it. 116 00:04:49,684 --> 00:04:50,551 Wh-? Hey! 117 00:04:50,618 --> 00:04:51,652 MALORY: Get me a table. 118 00:04:51,720 --> 00:04:58,492 Or the fish gets it. 119 00:04:58,560 --> 00:04:59,793 PAM: [huge, explosive sob] 120 00:04:59,861 --> 00:05:00,894 CHERYL/CAROL: Jesus, what's the big deal? 121 00:05:00,962 --> 00:05:06,667 PAM: That's my fish, his name's Jermaaaine! 122 00:05:06,735 --> 00:05:07,634 CHERYL/CAROL: Oh. 123 00:05:07,702 --> 00:05:09,169 I thought he was just your food. 124 00:05:09,237 --> 00:05:10,303 CASTEAU (O.S.): Food?! 125 00:05:10,372 --> 00:05:12,439 We're not making food, people! 126 00:05:12,507 --> 00:05:13,841 We are creating cuisine! 127 00:05:13,908 --> 00:05:15,709 Food is what a dog eats! 128 00:05:15,777 --> 00:05:16,710 Or a tourist! 129 00:05:16,778 --> 00:05:18,512 ARCHER: Wait, a dog ate a tourist? 130 00:05:18,580 --> 00:05:19,112 What! 131 00:05:19,180 --> 00:05:21,081 That was ambiguously worded! 132 00:05:21,148 --> 00:05:22,048 CYRIL: Gnfgh! 133 00:05:22,116 --> 00:05:23,417 CASTEAU: Was that ambiguous?! 134 00:05:23,485 --> 00:05:24,284 CYRIL: Why? 135 00:05:24,352 --> 00:05:25,986 Are you antagonizing him? 136 00:05:26,053 --> 00:05:29,556 ARCHER: Cyril, c'mon, it's my nature. See? 137 00:05:29,624 --> 00:05:30,891 Yeah, kinda! 138 00:05:30,958 --> 00:05:31,992 CASTEAU (O.S.): Well how about this?! 139 00:05:32,059 --> 00:05:32,726 CYRIL: Gnfgh! 140 00:05:32,794 --> 00:05:35,195 ARCHER: Plus he can't aim for shit, he's pulling everything to the right. 141 00:05:35,263 --> 00:05:37,831 CASTEAU: And if you can't turn that into promo gold, you should honestly 142 00:05:37,899 --> 00:05:39,165 consider suicide. 143 00:05:39,233 --> 00:05:40,567 Hang on, there's a bumper. 144 00:05:40,635 --> 00:05:42,235 Now prep, you [BEEEEEP] maggots! 145 00:05:42,303 --> 00:05:44,971 And then bleep out [BEEEEEP], since Darlene won't let me say that. 146 00:05:45,039 --> 00:05:47,908 But seriously guys, we do have a lot of food to prep, so... 147 00:05:47,975 --> 00:05:51,612 ARCHER: Uh, the food's splattered all over the wall and floor and... 148 00:05:51,679 --> 00:05:54,381 Chet here, so -- CASTEAU: So scoop it into a bowl. 149 00:05:54,449 --> 00:05:57,951 Nobody'll know, it's Albanian glop, the entrée's a frickin sheep face. 150 00:05:58,019 --> 00:06:01,021 I value all cultures equally highly. 151 00:06:01,088 --> 00:06:02,989 GILLETTE: Should you be smoking in here? 152 00:06:03,057 --> 00:06:04,758 CASTEAU: Should you be flaming in here? 153 00:06:04,826 --> 00:06:07,428 GILLETTE: Ya know... CASTEAU: Boom! Bumper! 154 00:06:07,495 --> 00:06:10,063 GILLETTE (about to cry): He's just such a... bastard! 155 00:06:10,131 --> 00:06:11,031 Wh-? 156 00:06:11,098 --> 00:06:12,599 And that's not my name! 157 00:06:12,667 --> 00:06:13,734 ARCHER: Yeah, "Child-Murderer" 158 00:06:13,802 --> 00:06:18,338 shouldn't be hyphenated, that makes it seem like he's a murderer who's also a child. 159 00:06:18,406 --> 00:06:21,107 INTERVIEWER (O.S.): Actually no, it doesn't -- ARCHER: Actually yes, it does. 160 00:06:21,175 --> 00:06:25,178 "Publicity whore" isn't hyphenated, so why-- CASTEAU: Why the shit?! 161 00:06:25,246 --> 00:06:25,813 Are you maggots! 162 00:06:25,880 --> 00:06:27,280 Not prepping?! 163 00:06:27,348 --> 00:06:29,483 ARCHER: I -- wait, are you doing a bumper? 164 00:06:29,551 --> 00:06:33,720 SEXY ANNOUNCER (V.O.): Coming up, on Bastard Chef! 165 00:06:33,788 --> 00:06:35,055 CYRIL: Aaaaaagh! 166 00:06:35,122 --> 00:06:37,223 GILLETTE: Aaaaaaagh! 167 00:06:37,291 --> 00:06:39,259 ARCHER: I have seriously never been happier. 168 00:06:39,327 --> 00:06:41,462 Aaaaaagh! 169 00:06:41,529 --> 00:06:43,229 ARCHER (O.S.): Boom, bumper. 170 00:06:50,554 --> 00:06:52,688 LANA (O.S.): Wait, so what'd Malory say exactly? 171 00:06:52,756 --> 00:06:55,257 ARCHER: I -- she said "credible threat." 172 00:06:55,325 --> 00:06:58,193 LANA: I know, but what kind of credible -- ARCHER: Cyr -- Chet! 173 00:06:58,261 --> 00:06:59,261 I need those onions! 174 00:06:59,329 --> 00:07:00,696 CYRIL (O.S.): Yes, chef! 175 00:07:00,764 --> 00:07:01,096 ARCHER: Ha! 176 00:07:01,164 --> 00:07:02,264 He has to call me chef. 177 00:07:02,332 --> 00:07:04,767 LANA: How and why are you enjoying this? 178 00:07:04,835 --> 00:07:08,303 ARCHER: Well for one thing I'm pretty drunk. 179 00:07:08,372 --> 00:07:11,440 And besides bartending in Polynesia, I've never had a real job, so -- 180 00:07:11,508 --> 00:07:12,608 LANA: Wait, never? 181 00:07:12,676 --> 00:07:16,712 ARCHER: Uh... oh, when I was ten I asked if I could sell "Grit" door to 182 00:07:16,780 --> 00:07:19,181 door, so I could win some of those x-ray specs? 183 00:07:19,249 --> 00:07:20,716 But Mother said they were fake. 184 00:07:20,784 --> 00:07:22,485 And also that I'd get raped and murdered. 185 00:07:22,552 --> 00:07:24,787 LANA: It is like peeling an onion with you. 186 00:07:24,855 --> 00:07:25,721 ARCHER: Right? 187 00:07:25,789 --> 00:07:26,289 Oh wait. 188 00:07:26,356 --> 00:07:26,856 Chet! 189 00:07:26,890 --> 00:07:28,858 Onions! 190 00:07:28,925 --> 00:07:29,759 CYRIL: Here. 191 00:07:29,826 --> 00:07:33,195 What dish are they going in? 192 00:07:33,263 --> 00:07:34,463 CYRIL: Oh eat a dick! 193 00:07:34,531 --> 00:07:36,365 ARCHER: That's eat a dick, chef! 194 00:07:36,433 --> 00:07:39,402 And for a third thing, I think I actually might be good at this. 195 00:07:39,469 --> 00:07:41,069 CASTEAU: Okay, yeah, nice technique, Randy. 196 00:07:41,137 --> 00:07:42,170 ARCHER: Thank you, chef. 197 00:07:42,238 --> 00:07:43,606 Want me to prep the 'shrooms? 198 00:07:43,673 --> 00:07:45,307 CASTEAU: No I got these, you do the aubergines. 199 00:07:45,375 --> 00:07:46,041 ARCHER: Right away, chef. 200 00:07:46,109 --> 00:07:50,979 If Chet gets his incompetent thumb out of his equally incompetent ass! 201 00:07:51,047 --> 00:07:53,883 CASTEAU: Nice, yes, that is excellent A.B.B.A.B. 202 00:07:53,950 --> 00:07:55,150 ARCHER: Always Be Berating And Belittling. 203 00:07:55,218 --> 00:07:55,818 CASTEAU: And you. 204 00:07:55,886 --> 00:08:02,024 Time to lean, time to get your distracting tits off my line. 205 00:08:02,091 --> 00:08:03,325 ARCHER: Hey, is something burning? 206 00:08:03,393 --> 00:08:06,061 Oh wait, it's you, because you just got burned. 207 00:08:06,129 --> 00:08:08,731 LANA: I -- oh my God, you admire that dick. 208 00:08:08,799 --> 00:08:10,120 ARCHER: He's a master chef, Lana. 209 00:08:10,166 --> 00:08:13,569 Which turns out is not nearly as gay a job as I thought it was. 210 00:08:13,637 --> 00:08:16,204 I mean it's no secret agent, but it's way above architect. 211 00:08:16,272 --> 00:08:19,608 LANA: Speaking, of secret agent, at some point before the restaurant is full 212 00:08:19,676 --> 00:08:22,945 of diplomats, I'd love to go over the-- ARCHER: Menu, I know, let's -- 213 00:08:23,012 --> 00:08:24,079 LANA: Plan! 214 00:08:24,147 --> 00:08:25,481 ARCHER: On going over the menu, yes. 215 00:08:25,549 --> 00:08:29,017 Get child murderer Gilles de Rais in here and I'll walk you through it. 216 00:08:29,085 --> 00:08:31,219 CASTEAU (O.S.): Answer the goddamn phone, woman! 217 00:08:31,287 --> 00:08:32,988 ARCHER: Seriously, Mitzi, how hard is that? 218 00:08:33,056 --> 00:08:34,590 CHERYL/CAROL: Rrgh! 219 00:08:34,658 --> 00:08:36,358 Now nobody's picking up! 220 00:08:36,426 --> 00:08:38,226 A monkey could do this stupid job! 221 00:08:38,294 --> 00:08:40,028 MALORY (O.S.): And yet I pay you to do it. 222 00:08:40,096 --> 00:08:41,730 CHERYL/CAROL: Oh, so now I'm a monkey?! 223 00:08:41,798 --> 00:08:45,601 MALORY (O.S.): No, because a monkey-- CHERYL/CAROL (O.S.): Hoo ooo ooo 224 00:08:45,669 --> 00:08:47,436 ooo eee eee eee eee! 225 00:08:47,504 --> 00:08:48,571 LANA: What is this, Spain? 226 00:08:48,638 --> 00:08:53,825 CHERYL/CAROL: I mean, it is just constant A.B.B.A.B. 227 00:08:55,377 --> 00:08:56,912 Is that supposed to funny? 228 00:08:56,980 --> 00:08:57,613 PAM: Yes. 229 00:08:57,681 --> 00:09:00,816 And also I think you might have low blood sugar. 230 00:09:00,884 --> 00:09:04,119 PAM: And I need you to focus, so we can get Cruella de Vil's mom in there 231 00:09:04,187 --> 00:09:06,489 a damn table before she kills Jermaine! 232 00:09:06,556 --> 00:09:07,990 CHERYL/CAROL: It's immpoossiibllle. 233 00:09:08,057 --> 00:09:10,826 And what's so important about a stupid goldfish? 234 00:09:10,894 --> 00:09:14,630 PAM: Okay A, he's not a goldfish, and B-- CHERYL/CAROL: Please don't berate me. 235 00:09:14,698 --> 00:09:18,066 PAM: Please don't make me, and B... Tell 'em Thuy! 236 00:09:18,134 --> 00:09:19,935 THUY: Toi ca voi ban nam ngan! 237 00:09:20,003 --> 00:09:22,872 Con ca Jermaine se giet con ca cua ban! 238 00:09:22,939 --> 00:09:25,708 VIETNAMESE MEN: Jermaine, Jermaine, Jermaine! 239 00:09:25,775 --> 00:09:27,743 PAM: Anyhoo, without gettin all into the details, 240 00:09:27,811 --> 00:09:30,846 I may or may not owe fourteen thousand dollars to some people 241 00:09:30,914 --> 00:09:33,081 you wouldn't wanna owe fourteen cents. 242 00:09:33,149 --> 00:09:35,117 CHERYL/CAROL: I so can't relate to that. 243 00:09:35,184 --> 00:09:36,051 PAM: Could you try? 244 00:09:36,119 --> 00:09:37,586 CHERYL/CAROL: No. 245 00:09:37,654 --> 00:09:40,523 PAM: Could you pretend to try? 246 00:09:40,590 --> 00:09:41,657 CHERYL/CAROL: Yes! 247 00:09:41,725 --> 00:09:42,625 CYRIL (O.S.): Absolutely not. 248 00:09:42,692 --> 00:09:44,660 ARCHER: Absolutely yes, Chet, c'mon I need 249 00:09:44,728 --> 00:09:47,496 the tongues first, and then every bit of meat scraped off those cheeks. 250 00:09:47,564 --> 00:09:48,324 CYRIL: Is that all? 251 00:09:48,364 --> 00:09:50,432 You don't want the... frickin eyeballs?! 252 00:09:50,500 --> 00:09:50,866 ARCHER: Oh. 253 00:09:50,934 --> 00:09:53,936 Okay, so the tongues second... CYRIL: I'm not cutting out their eyeballs! 254 00:09:54,004 --> 00:09:56,104 ARCHER: Well not with that, use a melon baller. 255 00:09:56,172 --> 00:09:57,172 CYRIL: I -- ARCHER: Ooh! 256 00:09:57,240 --> 00:09:58,707 I'm gonna go make a big pitcher of melon balls. 257 00:09:58,775 --> 00:09:59,295 You want one? 258 00:09:59,342 --> 00:10:01,209 CYRIL: No I don't want a damn melon ball! 259 00:10:01,277 --> 00:10:02,310 ARCHER: Suit yourself. 260 00:10:02,378 --> 00:10:06,415 But trust me, you are gonna want a melon baller. 261 00:10:06,482 --> 00:10:08,450 ARCHER: Okay, what's the word, how we doing? 262 00:10:08,518 --> 00:10:10,485 LANA: Well I've swept the entire place for explosives, 263 00:10:10,554 --> 00:10:11,587 and it's clear. 264 00:10:11,655 --> 00:10:12,555 That's the good news. 265 00:10:12,622 --> 00:10:14,757 The bad news is, if this vague threat is gunmen, we've 266 00:10:14,824 --> 00:10:19,161 got ingress points here, here, and... You are talking about eggplants. 267 00:10:19,228 --> 00:10:21,730 ARCHER: No Lana, I'm talking about aubergines. 268 00:10:21,798 --> 00:10:23,566 LANA: They're the -- CASTEAU: They're the same thing. 269 00:10:23,633 --> 00:10:24,466 ARCHER: Oh. 270 00:10:24,534 --> 00:10:26,301 Then where does auberge fit in? 271 00:10:26,369 --> 00:10:28,503 LANA: En nulle part, imbécile, parce qu'un auberge 272 00:10:28,572 --> 00:10:29,332 est un petit hôtel! 273 00:10:29,338 --> 00:10:30,806 CASTEAU: Ahh, tu parles français? 274 00:10:30,874 --> 00:10:32,041 LANA: Ouai. 275 00:10:32,108 --> 00:10:34,142 CASTEAU: Then go answer the goddamn phone! 276 00:10:34,210 --> 00:10:35,544 LANA: [low growl] 277 00:10:35,612 --> 00:10:39,048 CASTEAU: Okay, moment of truth, taste test. 278 00:10:39,115 --> 00:10:42,751 ARCHER: Please don't B-and-or-B me too hard... CASTEAU: Mm! 279 00:10:42,819 --> 00:10:44,486 Not bad, Randy, not bad at all! 280 00:10:44,554 --> 00:10:45,514 ARCHER: Thank you, chef. 281 00:10:45,521 --> 00:10:47,155 CASTEAU: Just needs a little kick in the ass. 282 00:10:47,223 --> 00:10:48,724 Oh, and speaking of, where is Chet? 283 00:10:48,792 --> 00:10:50,626 ARCHER: In the walk-in, weeping like a child. 284 00:10:50,694 --> 00:10:55,564 CYRIL: [explosive sob] 285 00:10:55,632 --> 00:10:56,065 CASTEAU: Nice! 286 00:10:56,132 --> 00:10:57,532 Man, you shoulda been a chef. 287 00:10:57,601 --> 00:10:59,267 ARCHER: Ohh... pshaw. 288 00:10:59,335 --> 00:11:00,035 CASTEAU: I'm serious. 289 00:11:00,103 --> 00:11:02,204 I mean, maybe being a secret agent isn't your true calling. 290 00:11:02,271 --> 00:11:04,039 ARCHER: Yeah, my Mother says that a lot... 291 00:11:04,107 --> 00:11:06,041 MALORY: Oh what, so now I suppose you're 292 00:11:06,109 --> 00:11:08,877 just going to sit there and pout?! 293 00:11:08,945 --> 00:11:11,446 MALORY: Well I didn't get you into this, mister! 294 00:11:11,514 --> 00:11:15,283 You got yourself into this! 295 00:11:15,351 --> 00:11:19,054 And the clock is ticking, my friend. 296 00:11:19,122 --> 00:11:22,124 RODNEY: So, just so I'm clear... You want me to use this 297 00:11:22,191 --> 00:11:25,527 top-secret 934-TX telephonic isolator unit, 298 00:11:25,595 --> 00:11:27,963 for which you have neither the clearance nor 299 00:11:28,031 --> 00:11:30,699 the written permission to even gaze upon, to find all 300 00:11:30,767 --> 00:11:34,236 phone numbers associated with this physical address. 301 00:11:34,303 --> 00:11:37,106 PAM: Yeah, Gilda Gotrocks here says ritzy joints like Seize have 302 00:11:37,173 --> 00:11:39,975 reservation numbers that're strictly on the QT. 303 00:11:40,043 --> 00:11:41,576 CHERYL/CAROL: What is this, Spain? 304 00:11:41,645 --> 00:11:42,845 I mean the Thirties? 305 00:11:42,912 --> 00:11:45,981 RODNEY: A flagrant violation of my sworn duty, for which my 306 00:11:46,049 --> 00:11:48,851 recompense will be, if in fact I heard you correctly... 307 00:11:48,918 --> 00:11:50,919 PAM: Yes, you in fact did, and said recompense 308 00:11:50,987 --> 00:11:52,955 will in fact be a handjob. 309 00:11:53,023 --> 00:11:53,689 RODNEY: No. 310 00:11:53,757 --> 00:11:54,456 PAM: From her. 311 00:11:54,524 --> 00:11:55,124 RODNEY: Yes! 312 00:11:55,191 --> 00:11:55,658 CHERYL/CAROL: Wh-?! 313 00:11:55,725 --> 00:11:56,091 No! 314 00:11:56,159 --> 00:11:56,525 PAM: Yes! 315 00:11:56,592 --> 00:11:57,425 Please! 316 00:11:57,493 --> 00:11:59,995 C'mon, if I don't make good on that last fish-fight, 317 00:12:00,063 --> 00:12:03,032 you're gonna find me in a dumpster somewhere way out in Red Hook! 318 00:12:03,099 --> 00:12:06,501 Ya know, if you're ever in Red Hook snoopin around in random dumpsters. 319 00:12:06,569 --> 00:12:08,236 CHERYL/CAROL: Great, so it's give him a handjob or 320 00:12:08,304 --> 00:12:10,172 change up my whole Sunday routine? 321 00:12:10,239 --> 00:12:11,473 PAM: Um... apparently. 322 00:12:11,541 --> 00:12:15,610 CHERYL/CAROL: Ugh, this is so unfair. 323 00:12:15,679 --> 00:12:17,920 Okay... CHERYL/CAROL: But I am not spitting in your face. 324 00:12:17,981 --> 00:12:23,585 RODNEY: I -- CHERYL/CAROL: Take it or leave it. 325 00:12:23,653 --> 00:12:24,519 CASTEAU: Mmmyello? 326 00:12:24,587 --> 00:12:25,253 See how I did that? 327 00:12:25,321 --> 00:12:27,056 Just pick up the phone and talk into it? 328 00:12:27,123 --> 00:12:29,892 LANA: I -- CASTEAU: And how did you get this number? 329 00:12:29,959 --> 00:12:30,659 Which Kennedy. 330 00:12:30,727 --> 00:12:34,462 Because if it's Teddy he still owes me for a urinal, so -- oh. 331 00:12:34,530 --> 00:12:35,263 Oh. 332 00:12:35,331 --> 00:12:36,498 Yes, absolutely. 333 00:12:36,566 --> 00:12:39,401 Eight o'clock, table for four, thank you. 334 00:12:39,468 --> 00:12:49,978 RODNEY: Thank yoooooooooooooouaaaagh... RODNEY: Thank you. 335 00:12:50,046 --> 00:12:52,614 CHERYL/CAROL: Hoo ooo ooo ooo eee eee eee eee! 336 00:12:52,682 --> 00:12:54,850 RODNEY: I think I'm -- CHERYL/CAROL: Ptoo! 337 00:12:54,918 --> 00:12:56,284 RODNEY: -- in love with you. 338 00:12:56,352 --> 00:12:57,119 PAM:(weary sigh) 339 00:12:57,187 --> 00:13:00,422 And yet I will die alone. 340 00:13:00,489 --> 00:13:01,690 TOGETHER: Yeah, probably. 341 00:13:05,989 --> 00:13:08,123 CASTEAU (O.S.): Okay, listen up! 342 00:13:08,190 --> 00:13:12,327 Tonight has to go perfectly, because it is wall to wall VIP's out there. 343 00:13:12,395 --> 00:13:15,998 We've got the Albanian ambassador and all his little diplomat buddies... 344 00:13:16,065 --> 00:13:19,668 CASTEAU (O.S.): And also Little Vernie Kennedy, JFK's crazy niece or cousin or something. 345 00:13:19,736 --> 00:13:21,503 CHERYL/CAROL: (posh accent, laughing) 346 00:13:21,571 --> 00:13:27,543 And then Teddy walks into the library wearing nothing but a whiskey sour! 347 00:13:27,610 --> 00:13:28,544 PAM: (chuckling) 348 00:13:28,611 --> 00:13:29,344 Oh, Teddy. 349 00:13:29,412 --> 00:13:30,412 Such a scamp. 350 00:13:30,479 --> 00:13:32,313 CASTEAU: So no screw ups! 351 00:13:32,381 --> 00:13:33,214 Now get to work! 352 00:13:33,282 --> 00:13:34,683 Talking to you, Gayvid Niven! 353 00:13:34,751 --> 00:13:36,518 GILLETTE: Oh, eat a di -- CASTEAU: What was that? 354 00:13:36,586 --> 00:13:37,452 GILLETTE: Yes, chef! 355 00:13:37,520 --> 00:13:38,820 CASTEAU: Randy, ready the soup. 356 00:13:38,888 --> 00:13:41,823 I'll be out front, favoring the guest of honor with an aperitif 357 00:13:41,891 --> 00:13:43,258 and my presence. 358 00:13:43,325 --> 00:13:46,294 GILLETTE: And here you are, Mr. Ambassador... ALBANIAN AMBASSADOR: I prefer to 359 00:13:46,362 --> 00:13:48,096 be called Your Excellency. 360 00:13:48,164 --> 00:13:49,531 GILLETTE: Well, people in hell want ice water. 361 00:13:49,599 --> 00:13:50,866 LANA: (whisper) Ray! 362 00:13:50,934 --> 00:13:52,400 LANA: What is your problem?! 363 00:13:52,468 --> 00:13:55,571 GILLETTE: Besides not knowing if I should add an eighteen percent gratuity? 364 00:13:55,638 --> 00:13:58,907 Because I can, it's a party of six or more, but if they were gonna tip 365 00:13:58,975 --> 00:14:01,276 twenty percent, I just hosed myself. 366 00:14:01,343 --> 00:14:03,411 LANA: Not to mention US-Albanian relations. 367 00:14:03,479 --> 00:14:06,682 So instead of insulting the ambassador, whom we're here to protect -- 368 00:14:06,749 --> 00:14:07,950 GILLETTE: Protect him from what? 369 00:14:08,017 --> 00:14:11,723 The only threat around here is -- MALORY: Dying of thirst, apparently. 370 00:14:11,843 --> 00:14:15,045 I've been trying to get a table at Seize for months and when I finally 371 00:14:15,113 --> 00:14:20,417 do, instead of Casteau's world-famous risotto, I have to eat sheep face -- 372 00:14:20,484 --> 00:14:21,365 LANA: Wait a minute... 373 00:14:21,485 --> 00:14:22,793 MALORY: -- so for God's sake, the least you can do 374 00:14:22,913 --> 00:14:24,554 is keep my wine glass full! 375 00:14:24,622 --> 00:14:26,223 LANA: Oh my God, it's you! 376 00:14:26,291 --> 00:14:27,691 You're the threat! 377 00:14:27,758 --> 00:14:30,318 You couldn't get a table so made an anonymous threat and then got 378 00:14:30,328 --> 00:14:32,595 ISIS hired to do security! 379 00:14:32,663 --> 00:14:35,232 MALORY: Well that's still no excuse for poor service. 380 00:14:35,300 --> 00:14:36,433 GILLETTE: Wow. 381 00:14:36,500 --> 00:14:37,467 LANA: Okay, you know what? 382 00:14:37,535 --> 00:14:38,768 Excuse me! 383 00:14:38,837 --> 00:14:41,404 MALORY: Yes, tell them all about it. That'll do wonders 384 00:14:41,472 --> 00:14:44,100 for US-Albanian relations. 385 00:14:45,810 --> 00:14:47,144 LANA: Bon appetit! 386 00:14:47,212 --> 00:14:49,913 CASTEAU: Hi, yeah, are you done shouting at my guests 387 00:14:49,981 --> 00:14:51,181 in barely-passable French? 388 00:14:51,249 --> 00:14:52,482 LANA: (weary sigh) Oui. 389 00:14:52,550 --> 00:14:55,585 CASTEAU: Then go help Mincent Price with the -- KA-KLONG! 390 00:14:55,653 --> 00:14:56,053 WONG WONG KLANK! 391 00:14:56,120 --> 00:14:57,360 ARCHER (O.S.): Eighty-six soup! 392 00:14:57,388 --> 00:14:58,228 CASTEAU: [weary sigh] 393 00:14:58,256 --> 00:15:00,958 PAM: Aww man, I'm frickin starving... 394 00:15:01,025 --> 00:15:02,792 RON CADILLAC: Here ya go, gang, get in here. 395 00:15:02,861 --> 00:15:04,728 I brought a buncha crackers and jelly. 396 00:15:04,795 --> 00:15:06,830 MALORY: You promised you'd stop doing that! 397 00:15:06,898 --> 00:15:14,671 RON CADILLAC: They were in my tuxedo from last time! 398 00:15:14,739 --> 00:15:19,343 MALORY: For the love of God, will you -- 399 00:15:19,410 --> 00:15:21,378 Kicked out in the first act. 400 00:15:21,445 --> 00:15:26,383 RON CADILLAC: Well, we didn't have to fight for a cab. 401 00:15:26,450 --> 00:15:27,284 PAM: What? 402 00:15:27,352 --> 00:15:29,286 CASTEAU: Tell Randy, as his final act before 403 00:15:29,354 --> 00:15:31,922 I walk back into the kitchen and murder him with his own shoes, to -- 404 00:15:31,990 --> 00:15:33,823 GILLETTE: Fire the entrées! 405 00:15:33,892 --> 00:15:34,992 ARCHER (O.S.): Rrrrgh! 406 00:15:35,059 --> 00:15:36,726 LANA: Yeah, might as well. 407 00:15:36,794 --> 00:15:40,230 Because, Randy -- except, of course, for your mother -- 408 00:15:40,298 --> 00:15:41,265 there is no threat. 409 00:15:41,332 --> 00:15:43,400 ARCHER: Tell that to my tavë kosi! 410 00:15:43,467 --> 00:15:46,036 The tender flesh of which I'm now ruining under 411 00:15:46,104 --> 00:15:48,372 the broiler, because I have no soup! 412 00:15:48,439 --> 00:15:48,906 LANA & GILETTE: Ew. 413 00:15:48,973 --> 00:15:50,073 CYRIL: And who's fault is that? 414 00:15:50,141 --> 00:15:53,777 ARCHER: The -- whatever idiot invented those slippery-ass bowls! 415 00:15:53,844 --> 00:15:57,247 Now get -- back here and mop it up, Chet! 416 00:15:57,315 --> 00:16:00,183 CYRIL: Chef...Eat a dick. 417 00:16:00,251 --> 00:16:01,051 CASTEAU (O.S.): A toast! 418 00:16:01,119 --> 00:16:03,553 CASTEAU: To His Excellency, the Ambassador Extraordinary and 419 00:16:03,621 --> 00:16:05,188 Plenipotentiary of Albania! 420 00:16:05,256 --> 00:16:08,091 And to a long, peaceful, and prosperous friendship between 421 00:16:08,159 --> 00:16:10,427 his great nation and ours. 422 00:16:10,494 --> 00:16:11,061 Gezuar! 423 00:16:11,129 --> 00:16:11,962 ALBANIAN AMBASSADOR: Gezuar! 424 00:16:12,030 --> 00:16:14,998 MALORY: While we sit here dying of thirst... 425 00:16:15,066 --> 00:16:17,234 RON CADILLAC: Hang on, I might have a juice box in -- 426 00:16:17,302 --> 00:16:18,368 MALORY: Ron?! 427 00:16:18,436 --> 00:16:19,469 ALBANIAN AMBASSADOR: Thenk you, chef. 428 00:16:19,537 --> 00:16:23,907 The dolma, the rakia... I feel I am home in Albania. 429 00:16:23,975 --> 00:16:25,875 CASTEAU: Just wait until you try my tavë kosi. 430 00:16:25,944 --> 00:16:26,509 ALBANIAN AMBASSADOR: Oooh! 431 00:16:26,577 --> 00:16:29,446 Tavë kosi is my most fevorit! 432 00:16:29,513 --> 00:16:30,880 CASTEAU: If you'll excuse me, I need to make 433 00:16:30,949 --> 00:16:32,615 sure my sous chef hasn't ruined it. 434 00:16:32,683 --> 00:16:33,317 ARCHER (O.S.): It's ruined. 435 00:16:33,384 --> 00:16:34,824 LANA: No, it's actually really good. 436 00:16:34,885 --> 00:16:36,219 Cyril and/or Chet? 437 00:16:36,287 --> 00:16:38,355 CYRIL: No, Cyril and Chet are now vegans. 438 00:16:38,423 --> 00:16:40,357 CASTEAU: Aww, and just when I thought I 439 00:16:40,425 --> 00:16:41,891 couldn't hate both of them more. 440 00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:43,927 Now get these entrées to the table! 441 00:16:43,995 --> 00:16:45,963 Move, maggots, everybody take a tray! 442 00:16:46,030 --> 00:16:46,663 EVERYBODY: Yes, chef! 443 00:16:46,730 --> 00:16:47,664 Right away, chef! 444 00:16:47,731 --> 00:16:48,798 CASTEAU: Not you, Chet. 445 00:16:48,866 --> 00:16:50,667 You look like a dinosaur's tampon. 446 00:16:50,734 --> 00:16:51,368 Boom! 447 00:16:51,436 --> 00:16:52,235 Bumper! 448 00:16:52,303 --> 00:16:54,904 I am just killing it today. 449 00:16:54,973 --> 00:16:57,807 MALORY: Well finally... LANA: Yeah, sorry, we were dealing with 450 00:16:57,875 --> 00:17:00,910 this incredibly obnoxious hoax, so... 451 00:17:00,979 --> 00:17:04,014 MALORY: So can I at least assume there will be a wine pairing? 452 00:17:04,082 --> 00:17:05,215 ALBANIAN AMBASSADOR: Mmmm! 453 00:17:05,283 --> 00:17:09,987 Chef Rendy, this is the best tavë kosi I ever tested! 454 00:17:10,054 --> 00:17:13,256 I -- grk! 455 00:17:13,324 --> 00:17:16,159 EVERYBODY [reactions of surprise] 456 00:17:16,227 --> 00:17:17,760 ARCHER: Wow, you really do like it. 457 00:17:17,828 --> 00:17:19,796 ALBANIAN ATTACHÉ: Your Excellency? 458 00:17:19,864 --> 00:17:21,064 He's dead! 459 00:17:21,132 --> 00:17:23,467 EVERYBODY [large reactions of surprise] 460 00:17:23,534 --> 00:17:25,235 LANA: Wait, no, the threat was a hoax! 461 00:17:25,303 --> 00:17:26,069 UNDER SECRETARY: A what?! 462 00:17:26,137 --> 00:17:26,569 MALORY: Lana! 463 00:17:26,637 --> 00:17:28,438 UNDER SECRETARY: Oh my God! 464 00:17:28,506 --> 00:17:32,376 Well you can forget about ISIS working for the State Department! Ever! 465 00:17:32,443 --> 00:17:34,978 And sir, please, I'm sure this was just a terrible allergic 466 00:17:35,046 --> 00:17:36,313 reaction! 467 00:17:36,381 --> 00:17:36,946 ALBANIAN ATTACHÉ: Yes! 468 00:17:37,015 --> 00:17:37,881 To poison! 469 00:17:37,948 --> 00:17:38,348 ARCHER: What?! 470 00:17:38,416 --> 00:17:41,551 No, I started with the freshest ingredients, like -- 471 00:17:41,619 --> 00:17:43,020 LANA: Oh my God, the mushrooms! 472 00:17:43,087 --> 00:17:47,624 Casteau must've put poison mushrooms in the -- Pam! 473 00:17:47,691 --> 00:17:48,492 PAM: What. 474 00:17:48,559 --> 00:17:50,127 MALORY: Nothing, here, have mine. 475 00:17:50,194 --> 00:17:50,894 PAM: You sure? 476 00:17:50,961 --> 00:17:51,642 LANA (O.S.): Pam! 477 00:17:51,662 --> 00:17:54,631 Okay, let's get Casteau before he -- CYRIL (O.S.): He's gone! 478 00:17:54,698 --> 00:17:55,999 And also on the phone! 479 00:17:56,067 --> 00:17:57,300 EVERYBODY [reactions to Cyril's near-nudity] 480 00:17:57,368 --> 00:17:58,289 CHERYL/CAROL: Oh Teddy! 481 00:17:58,302 --> 00:17:59,569 Ever the scamp! 482 00:17:59,637 --> 00:18:02,039 UNDER SECRETARY: Please, let's have dessert and -- 483 00:18:02,106 --> 00:18:02,772 ALBANIAN ATTACHÉ: No time! 484 00:18:02,840 --> 00:18:05,042 We have an embassy to close! 485 00:18:05,109 --> 00:18:07,210 MALORY: So that's a "no" on the wine pairing? 486 00:18:07,278 --> 00:18:09,246 LANA: Malory, a man's just been murdered. 487 00:18:09,313 --> 00:18:09,712 ARCHER: But how? 488 00:18:09,780 --> 00:18:10,901 I mean, we all ate a little. 489 00:18:10,915 --> 00:18:12,482 MALORY: Or a lot. 490 00:18:12,550 --> 00:18:13,417 PAM: You said I could have it! 491 00:18:13,484 --> 00:18:14,751 LANA: But, if it wasn't the food... 492 00:18:14,818 --> 00:18:16,119 ARCHER: How the hell did he get poisoned? 493 00:18:16,187 --> 00:18:18,955 CASTEAU (O.S.): I coated his glass with cyanide, you idiots! 494 00:18:19,023 --> 00:18:19,923 For the toast! 495 00:18:19,990 --> 00:18:21,311 RON CADILLAC: Ooh, there's toast? 496 00:18:21,359 --> 00:18:23,293 ARCHER: Give me that. But chef... why?! 497 00:18:23,361 --> 00:18:24,961 CASTEAU (O.S.): Six million bucks! 498 00:18:25,029 --> 00:18:27,497 Which I'm gonna use to deficit-finance a new show, 499 00:18:27,565 --> 00:18:29,999 where I travel, so I can insult people's cooking all over the 500 00:18:30,068 --> 00:18:30,833 globe! 501 00:18:30,901 --> 00:18:32,469 ARCHER: Now there's a show I'd like to -- 502 00:18:32,537 --> 00:18:35,472 wait, you won't get away with this! 503 00:18:35,540 --> 00:18:37,541 CASTEAU (O.S.): Well, you say that... 504 00:18:37,608 --> 00:18:40,677 Oh, and remember when I said you could've been a great chef? 505 00:18:40,744 --> 00:18:41,644 ARCHER (excited): Yes? 506 00:18:41,712 --> 00:18:45,148 CASTEAU: Every morning I make two cooks like you in the toilet. 507 00:18:45,216 --> 00:18:46,316 ARCHER (O.S.): Why?! 508 00:18:46,384 --> 00:18:48,818 Why couldn't he let me have the dream?! 509 00:18:48,886 --> 00:18:50,954 MALORY: Why can't you let me have some wine? 510 00:18:51,021 --> 00:18:52,655 What is this, Spain in the Thirties? 511 00:18:52,723 --> 00:18:55,392 LANA: And way, way more importantly, who would pay 512 00:18:55,460 --> 00:18:59,662 six million dollars just to make ISIS look like idiots? 513 00:18:59,730 --> 00:19:01,465 BARRY: Seriously, for that much money we coulda built 514 00:19:01,532 --> 00:19:02,799 a whole new bionic man. 515 00:19:02,866 --> 00:19:04,201 KATYA: Dun't tempt me, Barry. 516 00:19:04,268 --> 00:19:04,934 CASTEAU: Boom! 517 00:19:05,002 --> 00:19:10,173 Bumper! 518 00:19:10,241 --> 00:19:15,512 CASTEAU: Nooooooooooooooooooo! 519 00:19:15,580 --> 00:19:18,959 BARRY: Wow, remind me not to piss you off. 520 00:19:19,079 --> 00:19:20,795 Remind yourself! 521 00:19:22,888 --> 00:19:24,181 Yes, dear. 522 00:19:24,301 --> 00:19:34,414 Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com 523 00:19:35,305 --> 00:20:35,693 Watch Movies, TV Series and Live Sports Signup Here -> WWW.ADMITME.APP