(soft orchestral music playing)
Watch Movies, TV Series and Live Sports Signup Here -> WWW.ADMITME.APP
♪
(booming explosion)
(distant screaming)
(panicked shouting)
(sirens wailing, horns honking)
Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com
(sirens wailing, car horn honks)
(high-pitched ringing)
(muffled)
ARCHER: Mawp. Mawp.
Mawp!
(groans)
Was that a flashbang?
MALORY: Sterling? ARCHER: Mawp?
Ow!
MALORY: Do something.
ARCHER: What? I brought roses.
Jesus, Mother, it's just your birthday, not the... MALORY: About that!
ARCHER: Oh. Duh.
LANA: Archer!
ARCHER: (gasps) Lana!
LANA (mocking): "Lana!" Ugh.
(slurping)
Not her birthday.
ARCHER: Ah! (grunts)
CHERYL/CAROL: No, move!
Get away from us!
PAM: Yeah, they're shooting at you!
ARCHER: Who?
CHERYL/CAROL: The storm-ninjas!
ARCHER: What?
That's not a thing, idiot!
Oh. I stand corrected.
LANA: Son of a...!
Bitches, I am pregnant!
CYRIL: Yes! (laughs)
Who could forget?
With the bastard spawn of a total stranger.
LANA: Okay, first of all... Cover your eyes and ears!
CYRIL: You're not the boss of me!
(explosion)
(high-pitched ringing)
CYRIL: Meep? Meep?
(laughs)
LANA: What's that, Beaker?
ARCHER: Oh, my God, is Beaker not the best?
Meep, meep, meep!
And wait, what's his, uh... the name of... Brett!
BRETT: No, no, no, leave me alone!
ARCHER: Shut up.
Who's Beaker's boss?
BRETT: What?
ARCHER: Beaker's boss.
BRETT: Goddamn it, I can't hear... ARCHER: Brett?
Well, he died doing what he loved.
Getting shot.
CYRIL: Meep. Meep.
LANA: Archer! Who the hell...
ARCHER: Shut up, it's on the tip of my tongue!
LANA: What is?! ARCHER: Beaker's boss!
LANA: What?
GILLETTE: She meant who the hell are these guys, you big dumb idiot asshole!
ARCHER: Said the guy in a wheelchair!
GILLETTE: What the...?
ARCHER: I just frickin' got here, Ray!
How the hell should I... No...
LANA: No, no, no, no, no, no... CYRIL: What, what're you...? Oh.
GILLETTE: Oh, boy.
AGENT: FBI!
Nobody move! FBI!
(Malory sighs wearily)
MALORY: Second worst birthday ever. ARCHER: What?
How is this better than your second fake 50th?
HOLLY: Oh, come on, guys, we talked about this!
You're supposed to yell "FBI" at the beginning.
After the flashbangs, but before Other Fat Mike gets shot.
AGENT: Ow.
HOLLY: And what happened with getting "FBI"
on the fronts of the uniforms, huh?
AGENT: Ow! HOLLY: Huh?
ARCHER: Uh, what happened with since when the hell
does the frickin' FBI get off... HOLLY: Sterling Archer?
ARCHER: Yes! What?!
HOLLY: I'm Special Agent in Charge Holly, and you are extremely under arrest.
ARCHER: (laughs) For what?
HOLLY: Uh, in addition to the attempted murder of a federal agent?
ARCHER: Yes.
HOLLY: Well, there's gonna be just a whole bunch of charges,
but mostly treason.
ARCHER: Treason?
LANA: What? Archer, what'd you do?
HOLLY: No, no, not just him.
You, too, Miss Kane.
LANA: What?!
HOLLY: Yeah. Everybody.
Especially you, Ms. Archer.
LANA: Is this about the fake hydrogen bomb?
MALORY: Lana! HOLLY: No, but let's put a pin in that.
This is about conducting espionage operations, for years, with no authority or
permission whatsoever, from the United States government.
(Lana gasps)
ARCHER: Wait, what?
Mother!
LANA: Like, 50 times I asked you about that!
MALORY: And like 50 times I lied.
Sue me.
I want my phone call.
AGENT (over radio): Uh, sir?
It's like you said, he's dug in there like a tick, and...
KRIEGER (over radio): Never!
You'll never take me alive!
(Holly sighs wearily)
HOLLY: Okay, breach it. AGENT: Roger that.
(explosion)
KRIEGER: On second thought, I very much prefer to be taken alive.
Just let me clear the ol'
browser history and... No, no, no, no, no... oof!
Oh, come on!
HOLOGRAM: Ooh, G-man-san.
ARCHER: I'm serious, you are not putting those on me.
HOLLY: Mr. Archer, please turn around and place your hands behind your back.
ARCHER: (laughs) Or what?
What are you gonna do, taser... (Archer gibbering)
(Archer sputters)
(Cheryl/Carol gasps)
CHERYL/CAROL: Do me! Do me!
Do me, do me, do me!
HOLLY: I'm not tasering you, so just... CHERYL/CAROL: Do me!
(Holly grunts)
(taser clicking, Cheryl/Carol groaning)
(Cheryl/Carol sighs)
Thank you.
MALORY: Ugh.
Our tax dollars hard at work.
(laughing): Well, not mine,
obviously, but...
HOLLY: What's that?
MALORY: Damn it.
ARCHER: Whatever, Cyril.
I don't care who you are, when you get zapped with 50,000
volts, it's like, like... CHERYL/CAROL: Sploosh.
And then it's like wave after wave crashing over you, into you, and...
ARCHER: Will you shut up?
PAM: You shut up. Let her talk.
ARCHER: You shut up! PAM: Make me!
(shouting, grunting)
(Malory whistles loudly)
ALL: Ow! Ow!
CHERYL/CAROL: Jesus! MALORY: All of you.
Shut your various holes and listen to me very carefully.
CYRIL: Why, so you can tell us more lies? KRIEGER: Yeah.
(all muttering)
MALORY: So I can save you from life in prison!
Sorry, Ramona, I know to you it's just one big sexy briar patch, but...
GILLETTE: You know... MALORY: Zip it!
That goes for all of you!
And when we get in there, you keep it zipped.
Because there's a chance I can make this all go away,
but only if you people don't try to save your own necks
by ratting out everyone else!
(all muttering)
MALORY: Damn it, trust me!
And say nothing!
You heard me, J. Edna.
LANA: Not one word.
ARCHER: Well, except for those three.
And then those five. And... LANA: Archer!
ARCHER: Then that one.
CYRIL: I really shouldn't say anything.
I mean, unless you can guarantee me... GILLETTE: Total immunity.
CHERYL/CAROL: And I mean from everything.
GILLETTE: Including anything you find on my computer.
Or in my crawlspace.
PAM: Oh, and throw a bone into me.
AGENT 2: Excuse me?
GILLETTE: I said Ms. Archer had an affair with the head of
the KGB for, like, 30 years.
CHERYL/CAROL (laughs): Yeah, until he got blown up.
Which was actually my fault.
CYRIL: Because she was busy having choke-sex with a murderous cyborg, who then
became the new head of the KGB.
KRIEGER: Until I built a sexier one out of illegal Soviet parts.
And a corpse.
PAM: There was no shortage of dead bodies around ISIS.
GILLETTE: One of which belonged to the prime minister of goddamn Italy.
CYRIL: Oh, Jesus, I forgot about the... CHERYL/CAROL: Giant pot farm
in West Virginia.
PAM: And this whole other thing with the Yakuza.
GILLETTE: Irish Mob.
CHERYL/CAROL: Piracy. CYRIL: White slavery.
PAM: No, actual piracy.
With, like, boats.
CHERYL/CAROL: I want to say... Burt Reynolds?
CYRIL: Poaching alligators... GILLETTE: Smuggling Mexicans...
KRIEGER: Defiling a corpse... CYRIL: Defiling a different corpse...
PAM: Kidnapping the Pope... CHERY/CAROL: (laughing)
Faking my own kidnapping!
Arson.
PAM: Bumfights!
You know, like when you pay bums to... CYRIL: Destroy an oil pipeline in...
CHERYL/CAROL: I want to say Burt Reynolds.
CYRIL: ...Turkmenistan?
KRIEGER: Odessa. You know, the ratlines?
CHERYL/CAROL: Where you make it look like a murder-suicide, but...
KRIEGER: Is it murder if they were my own clones?
I'm seriously asking.
GILLETTE: Oh, because, speaking of sexual assault...
PAM (munching): Which time?
'Cause for one of 'em I got a pretty good excuse.
AGENT 2: Can I stop you?
Please?
PAM: That's what he said.
(Pam clears throat)
Inappropriate.
CYRIL: Geez, when you just list everything ISIS has done,
it sounds kind of bad.
AGENT 3: And so if I were you... ARCHER: You'd get laid a lot more?
AGENT 3: I'd start talking.
Everybody else is!
They're in there right now, saying he's the brains behind ISIS.
LANA: Ha! ARCHER: Exactly, I... Hey, screw you!
LANA: Screw you!
Mr. My Mother's A Lying Bitch And I'm Too Stupid To Realize
My Life's A Pathetic Joke!
ARCHER: Oh, nice to meet you, Mrs. Hello My Kid's From A Sperm
Bank Since I Can't Keep A Man Because In Addition To My Jillion Neuroses
I Have A Weird-looking Vagina!
(Lana gasps)
(Archer and Lana grunting)
AGENT 3: Okay, knock it off.
Hey!
(FBI Agents grunting)
ARCHER: I can't believe they fell for that.
LANA: Ahem. Miss what?
ARCHER: Sorry, it-it's not that weird look... Lana!
(gunshot)
ARCHER: Thought you were gonna shoot me.
LANA: Day's not over.
ARCHER: And seriously, Lana, sorry for what I said.
Then that's where you say... (Archer yells)
LANA: Good-bye, Archer.
ARCHER: Where do you think you're going?
LANA: Not to jail with you and your mother.
ARCHER: Well, you know,
we can ask the judge...
LANA: You know prisons
aren't co-ed, right?
ARCHER: Oh. Okay, we got to get out of here.
LANA: "We"? There is no "we" anymore, Archer!
Well, there's this we...
ARCHER: Uh... LANA: Oh, shit.
ARCHER: Yeah.
You're gonna be a great mother.
LANA: I could start smoking crack today, and he'd still
turn out better than you.
ARCHER: And why is that?
Because I never had a father, Lana?
So why don't you shut up, and then also marry me.
LANA: What?!
ARCHER: I'm serious-- we can go underground, get new identities,
and spend the rest of our lives together, Lana.
We'll be a family.
You, me, the baby and your not-that-weird-looking vagina.
LANA: Okay, don't take this the wrong way... but I would rather lose the baby.
ARCHER: Wha... I...
LANA: Okay, that-that
wasn't...
I didn't...
ARCHER: Excuse me.
(Lana sighs)
(Archer laughing)
ARCHER: Jesus Christ, come on, you idiot.
(Lana grunts)
CYRIL: "I have read this statement, each page of which
bears my initials, and I do hereby certify..."
PAM: "That the facts herein are true and correct,
signed Pamela Poovey."
Cyril Figgis.
RAY: "Raymond Q. Gillette."
KRIEGER: "Algernop Krieger."
CHERYL/CAROL: "Cheryl and/or Carol Tunt."
Now, I would like a ride home, please.
Preferably in an Apache helicopter.
PAM: And I believe there was some mention of throwing a bone into me?
FBI AGENT 2: What are you talking about?
PAM: A penis in my vagina.
Or wherever, but come on, chop-chop, I got to go start enjoying my immunity.
(FBI Agent 2 laughs)
FBI AGENT 2: Yeah, you said immunity. I didn't.
RAY: Dukes!
CYRIL: God!
KRIEGER: Damn it!
CHERYL/CAROL: So is that a "no" on the Apache, or...?
(knocking)
FBI AGENT 4: Oh, my God, okay, so this ditz... Oh.
CHERYL/CAROL: Now who's the ditz, huh?
LANA: Would you just come on?
CHERYL/CAROL: I'm seriously asking.
PAM: Aw, but look at him.
All tied up like a sexy little Christmas ham.
CYRIL: And can I just go on record as saying I think this is an extremely
bad idea?
LANA: You know what's a bad idea? Prison.
ARCHER: Because, spoiler alert, they're unisex.
PAM: Hello, best part.
HOLLY: Yeah?
ARCHER: Uh, uh... CHERYL/CAROL(old lady voice): Oh, Clyde?
Clyde, is that you?
It's me, dear, Mrs. J. Edgar Hoover's mother.
HOLLY: Um... it's open.
Ma'am.
ARCHER: Nobody move!
Or... MALORY: What the hell are you doing?
ARCHER: Getting us out of here.
MALORY: I've already done that. Let him go.
And you'll just have to put that on my... whatever... crime tab.
HOLLY: No, no, no, no, no.
Taking a federal agent hostage is a separate charge.
MALORY: Oh, well, then perhaps we should get
him back on the phone.
HOLLY: I... that... I-I don't... There's no need to bother the... Eh, look.
If you'll just sign this form... MALORY: Doo, doo, doo.
"In lieu of criminal prosecutions for..."
Doo, doo, doo... "Treason, I hereby forfeit ISIS headquarters.
(all groaning)
And also agree to permanently cease and desist any and all ISIS operations."
(all gasping)
ARCHER: Oh, my God.
HOLLY: Or face a mandatory sentence of life in federal prison without parole.
ARCHER: You got to be kidding me.
MALORY: "Signed, Malory Archer."
LANA: Oh, my God.
ARCHER: No, uh-uh, nope.
Because correct me if I'm wrong, but that entire document
is completely unenforceable.
I correct you. You are wrong.
MALORY: For God's sake, Sterling, it's the government.
Even if it weren't legal, they'd enforce it.
HOLLY: Hey, save it for four ninths of the Supreme Court.
MALORY: Oh, shut up.
And unless there's anything else?
HOLLY: Uh, just this, releasing the bureau from any
claims relating to the death of your employee... Brett, uh, Bunson?
ARCHER: Oh, my God!
LANA: What?
ARCHER: Beaker's boss!
Bunsen frickin' Honeydew!
Woooooo!!
(groans)
That was figuratively killing me.
ARCHER: I can't believe they're taking our building.
LANA: Screw the building!
What about our jobs?
Oh, and our health insurance.
Which I'm pretty sure I'm gonna need.
KRIEGER: I'll be your doctor.
LANA: Well, if I want Hitler's DNA spliced into him, I'll give you a call.
KRIEGER: Yeah, I'm around.
MALORY: Well, as for me, I think I'll start shopping my memoirs.
How does the title
Secrets and Silk grab you?
ARCHER: Tightly by my childhood's throat.
MALORY: Oh, you're just jealous.
CHERYL/CAROL: Yeah, jealous of my fallback career.
PAM (laughing): As what?
An actual acorn?
CHERYL/CAROL: As America's number one country singer.
LANA: And kudos.
But for the rest of us trapped in the realm of possibility...
CHERYL/CAROL: I'm gonna be bigger than Mac Davis.
And Mac Davis can totally suck it.
ARCHER: And you can all suck it because I am gonna play professional lacrosse.
LANA: Okay, even if that were
a real thing...
ARCHER: Is it not?
LANA: ...you are way too old.
ARCHER: I am not... Oh, my God. I am way too old.
(cracks knuckles)
PAM: Welp, hope I'm not too old to get back into underground fighting.
CYRIL: Darn.
All those jobs are awesome.
LANA: And by awesome you mean delusional.
CYRIL: Because it's gonna be hard to go back to an
accounting firm after this job.
ARCHER: Especially after Mother gives you a shitty reference.
Mother, do that.
CYRIL: I meant it'll be boring.
Although, I guess I could always go back to being a defense attorney.
(all groaning)
LANA: When were you ever a lawyer?
CYRIL: Lana, we had long talks about this.
How I went to night school to pass the CPA exam because I was so burned out
defending scumbags as a public defender?
Numerous... long talks.
LANA: With me?
CYRIL: Oh, for... (Archer laughs)
Well, don't come crying to me when that fatherless kid of
yours buys a gun and steals a car, and he tries to run but he don't get far!
CHERYL/CAROL: ♪ In the ghetto where Mac Davis sucks it. ♪
ARCHER: Are you done?
CHERYL/CAROL: Are you done?!
Again, seriously asking.
ARCHER: Yes. So I guess we should talk about the elephant
in the room. Namely... What are we gonna do with literally, not figuratively,
a ton of cocaine?
MALORY: Well... LANA: Wha...? Oh, come on!
ARCHER: What, Lana, we must be talking... CYRIL: Wholesale? Uh, 50, 60
million?
LANA (laughs): Wholesale.
So, what, we form a cartel?
MALORY: Well, how hard could
it be? I mean...
LANA: Don't.
MALORY: ...if Mexicans can do it.
(ice clinks in glass)
ARCHER: $50 million, Lana.
We sell this and we're out.
I promise.
MALORY: Dr. Krieger has devised a way to transport the cocaine undetected.
ARCHER: You're probably gonna want to try to minimize the sweating.
We're gonna go ahead and take the cocaine and the money.
MALORY: What do you mean counterfeit?
ARCHER: The Yakuza?
MALORY: Amphetamines?!
ARCHER: Well, Pam screwed the Yakuza out of a million
bucks of amphetamines, so now they're gonna cut her head off.
CHERYL/CAROL: ♪ Baby, please don't go ♪
ARCHER: Get down!
CHERYL/CAROL: ♪ Baby, please don't go ♪
MALORY: Ron!
ARCHER: Yeah, this is actually a little harder than I thought.
CHERYL/CAROL: Because I don't fly.
ARCHER: So, you've only got 24 hours to drive to Texas?
(laughing)
Did you tell anybody we were hauling a shitload of coke?
CHERYL/CAROL: ♪ Yeah, your girl done gone down to the county farm ♪
Take me with you!
Outlaw country! Woooooo!!
MAN: Honey, you're number 14
nationwide.
ROY ACUFF: How bout a big ol'
country welcome for Cherlene!
CHERYL/CAROL: ♪ Before I be your dog get you way down here make you walk alone
Baby, please don't go ♪
Woooooo!!
SANTOS: Incredible.
I must meet this woman.
CYRIL: Well, what do you think is gonna happen when three gringos waltz in
and start asking around for the woman who runs the entire Cali cartel?
ARCHER: Wooohooohooohoooo!!
(man grunts)
LANA: Are you sure you cannot make love to me just once more?
ARCHER: Not without a blood transfusion.
LANA: Very well.
ARCHER: Ow! Ow! Ow!
(yells)
CHERYL/CAROL: ♪ Baby, please don't go down to New Orleans
You know I love you so Baby, please don't go ♪
LANA: You're doing the exact thing you promised me you wouldn't!
ARCHER: I was kidding. (tiger growls)
CHERYL/CAROL: ♪ Before I be your dog Before I be your dog ♪
SANTOS: Welcome to San Marcos.
CHERYL/CAROL: ♪ Before I be your dog get you way down here
And let you walk alone ♪
CYRIL: So, couple things.
ARCHER: Oh, goddamn it.
Did you fart in that?
CHERYL/ CAROL: ♪ You know how I feel right now? ♪
(grunting)
♪ My baby's leaving (laughing)
♪ On that midnight train (siren blaring)
♪ And I'm crying CYRIL: Suppressing fire!
CHERYL/CAROL: ♪ Baby, please don't go ♪
ARCHER: Goddamn it, Cyril!
CHERYL/CAROL: ♪ Baby, please don't go
Baby, please don't go ♪
HOLLY: You're running out of options, Archer.
CHERYL/CAROL: ♪ Baby, please don't go ♪
SANTOS: I want Archer dead!
CHERYL/CAROL: ♪ Baby, please don't go down to New Orleans
You know I love you so Baby, please don't go ♪
MALORY: I think you just stumbled backwards into a CIA arms deal.
(Cheryl/Carol screams)
(explosion)
RAY: They kidnapped Cherlene!
LANA: Archer!
PAM: We just started a frickin' coup!
CHERYL/CAROL: ♪ Before I be
your dog get you way down here
Make you walk alone
Baby, please don't go, yeah ♪
LANA: Archer, my water just broke.
CHERYL/CAROL: ♪ All right now. ♪
ARCHER: And for what it's worth, I'm pretty sure I just invaded Laos.
(woman speaking Vietnamese)
And, Chi, I swear to God, mention the compass again and just see what happens.
(tiger roars)
ARCHER: Archer Vice.
LANA: What?
ARCHER: Nothing.
Shut up.
Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com
Watch Movies, TV Series and Live Sports Signup Here -> WWW.ADMITME.APP