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(soft orchestral music playing)
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♪
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♪
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♪
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(booming explosion)
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(distant screaming)
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(panicked shouting)
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(sirens wailing, horns honking)
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Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
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(sirens wailing, car horn honks)
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(high-pitched ringing)
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(muffled)
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ARCHER: Mawp. Mawp.
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Mawp!
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(groans)
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Was that a flashbang?
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MALORY: Sterling?
ARCHER: Mawp?
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Ow!
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MALORY: Do something.
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ARCHER: What? I brought roses.
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Jesus, Mother, it's just your birthday, not the...
MALORY: About that!
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ARCHER: Oh. Duh.
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LANA: Archer!
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ARCHER: (gasps) Lana!
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LANA (mocking): "Lana!" Ugh.
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(slurping)
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Not her birthday.
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ARCHER: Ah! (grunts)
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CHERYL/CAROL: No, move!
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Get away from us!
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PAM: Yeah, they're
shooting at you!
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ARCHER: Who?
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CHERYL/CAROL: The storm-ninjas!
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ARCHER: What?
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That's not a thing, idiot!
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Oh. I stand corrected.
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LANA: Son of a...!
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Bitches, I am pregnant!
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CYRIL: Yes! (laughs)
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Who could forget?
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With the bastard spawn
of a total stranger.
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LANA: Okay, first of all...
Cover your eyes and ears!
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CYRIL: You're not
the boss of me!
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(explosion)
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(high-pitched ringing)
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CYRIL: Meep? Meep?
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(laughs)
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LANA: What's that, Beaker?
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ARCHER: Oh, my God, is
Beaker not the best?
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Meep, meep, meep!
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And wait, what's his, uh...
the name of... Brett!
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BRETT: No, no, no,
leave me alone!
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ARCHER: Shut up.
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Who's Beaker's boss?
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BRETT: What?
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ARCHER: Beaker's boss.
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BRETT: Goddamn it, I can't hear...
ARCHER: Brett?
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Well, he died doing
what he loved.
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Getting shot.
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CYRIL: Meep. Meep.
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LANA: Archer! Who the hell...
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ARCHER: Shut up, it's on
the tip of my tongue!
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LANA: What is?!
ARCHER: Beaker's boss!
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LANA: What?
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GILLETTE: She meant who the hell are
these guys, you big dumb idiot asshole!
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ARCHER: Said the guy
in a wheelchair!
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GILLETTE: What the...?
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ARCHER: I just frickin'
got here, Ray!
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How the hell should I...
No...
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LANA: No, no, no, no, no, no...
CYRIL: What, what're you...? Oh.
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GILLETTE: Oh, boy.
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AGENT: FBI!
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Nobody move! FBI!
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(Malory sighs wearily)
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MALORY: Second worst birthday ever.
ARCHER: What?
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How is this better than
your second fake 50th?
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HOLLY: Oh, come on, guys,
we talked about this!
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You're supposed to yell
"FBI" at the beginning.
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After the flashbangs, but before
Other Fat Mike gets shot.
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AGENT: Ow.
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HOLLY: And what happened
with getting "FBI"
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on the fronts of
the uniforms, huh?
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AGENT: Ow!
HOLLY: Huh?
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ARCHER: Uh, what happened
with since when the hell
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does the frickin' FBI get off...
HOLLY: Sterling Archer?
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ARCHER: Yes! What?!
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HOLLY: I'm Special Agent in Charge Holly,
and you are extremely under arrest.
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ARCHER: (laughs) For what?
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HOLLY: Uh, in addition to the
attempted murder of a federal agent?
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ARCHER: Yes.
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HOLLY: Well, there's gonna be
just a whole bunch of charges,
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but mostly treason.
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ARCHER: Treason?
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LANA: What? Archer,
what'd you do?
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HOLLY: No, no, not just him.
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You, too, Miss Kane.
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LANA: What?!
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HOLLY: Yeah. Everybody.
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Especially you, Ms. Archer.
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LANA: Is this about the
fake hydrogen bomb?
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MALORY: Lana!
HOLLY: No, but let's put a pin in that.
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This is about conducting espionage
operations, for years, with no authority or
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permission whatsoever, from
the United States government.
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(Lana gasps)
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ARCHER: Wait, what?
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Mother!
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LANA: Like, 50 times I
asked you about that!
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MALORY: And like
50 times I lied.
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Sue me.
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I want my phone call.
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AGENT (over radio): Uh, sir?
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It's like you said, he's dug
in there like a tick, and...
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KRIEGER (over radio): Never!
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You'll never take me alive!
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(Holly sighs wearily)
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HOLLY: Okay, breach it.
AGENT: Roger that.
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(explosion)
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KRIEGER: On second thought, I very
much prefer to be taken alive.
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Just let me clear the ol'
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browser history and... No,
no, no, no, no... oof!
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Oh, come on!
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HOLOGRAM: Ooh, G-man-san.
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ARCHER: I'm serious, you are
not putting those on me.
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HOLLY: Mr. Archer, please turn around
and place your hands behind your back.
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ARCHER: (laughs) Or what?
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What are you gonna do, taser...
(Archer gibbering)
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(Archer sputters)
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(Cheryl/Carol gasps)
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CHERYL/CAROL: Do me! Do me!
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Do me, do me, do me!
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HOLLY: I'm not tasering you, so just...
CHERYL/CAROL: Do me!
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(Holly grunts)
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(taser clicking,
Cheryl/Carol groaning)
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(Cheryl/Carol sighs)
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Thank you.
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MALORY: Ugh.
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Our tax dollars hard at work.
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(laughing): Well, not mine,
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obviously, but...
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HOLLY: What's that?
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MALORY: Damn it.
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ARCHER: Whatever, Cyril.
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I don't care who you are, when
you get zapped with 50,000
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volts, it's like, like...
CHERYL/CAROL: Sploosh.
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And then it's like wave after wave
crashing over you, into you, and...
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ARCHER: Will you shut up?
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PAM: You shut up. Let her talk.
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ARCHER: You shut up!
PAM: Make me!
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(shouting, grunting)
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(Malory whistles loudly)
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ALL: Ow! Ow!
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CHERYL/CAROL: Jesus!
MALORY: All of you.
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Shut your various holes and
listen to me very carefully.
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CYRIL: Why, so you can tell us more lies?
KRIEGER: Yeah.
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(all muttering)
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MALORY: So I can save you
from life in prison!
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Sorry, Ramona, I know to you it's
just one big sexy briar patch, but...
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GILLETTE: You know...
MALORY: Zip it!
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That goes for all of you!
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And when we get in there,
you keep it zipped.
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Because there's a chance I
can make this all go away,
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but only if you people don't
try to save your own necks
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by ratting out everyone else!
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(all muttering)
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MALORY: Damn it, trust me!
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And say nothing!
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You heard me, J. Edna.
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LANA: Not one word.
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ARCHER: Well, except
for those three.
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And then those five. And...
LANA: Archer!
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ARCHER: Then that one.
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CYRIL: I really
shouldn't say anything.
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I mean, unless you can guarantee me...
GILLETTE: Total immunity.
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CHERYL/CAROL: And I
mean from everything.
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GILLETTE: Including anything
you find on my computer.
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Or in my crawlspace.
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PAM: Oh, and throw
a bone into me.
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AGENT 2: Excuse me?
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GILLETTE: I said Ms. Archer had
an affair with the head of
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the KGB for, like, 30 years.
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CHERYL/CAROL (laughs): Yeah,
until he got blown up.
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Which was actually my fault.
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CYRIL: Because she was busy having choke-sex
with a murderous cyborg, who then
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became the new head of the KGB.
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KRIEGER: Until I built a sexier
one out of illegal Soviet parts.
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And a corpse.
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PAM: There was no shortage
of dead bodies around ISIS.
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GILLETTE: One of which belonged to
the prime minister of goddamn Italy.
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00:08:02,633 --> 00:08:05,314
CYRIL: Oh, Jesus, I forgot about the...
CHERYL/CAROL: Giant pot farm
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00:08:05,403 --> 00:08:06,269
in West Virginia.
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00:08:06,403 --> 00:08:09,105
PAM: And this whole other
thing with the Yakuza.
193
00:08:09,239 --> 00:08:10,073
GILLETTE: Irish Mob.
194
00:08:10,207 --> 00:08:11,607
CHERYL/CAROL: Piracy.
CYRIL: White slavery.
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00:08:11,742 --> 00:08:13,242
PAM: No, actual piracy.
196
00:08:13,377 --> 00:08:14,343
With, like, boats.
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CHERYL/CAROL: I want to say...
Burt Reynolds?
198
00:08:17,414 --> 00:08:19,549
CYRIL: Poaching alligators...
GILLETTE: Smuggling Mexicans...
199
00:08:19,683 --> 00:08:22,118
KRIEGER: Defiling a corpse...
CYRIL: Defiling a different corpse...
200
00:08:22,253 --> 00:08:25,121
PAM: Kidnapping the Pope...
CHERY/CAROL: (laughing)
201
00:08:25,255 --> 00:08:27,123
Faking my own kidnapping!
202
00:08:27,258 --> 00:08:28,124
Arson.
203
00:08:28,259 --> 00:08:29,159
PAM: Bumfights!
204
00:08:29,293 --> 00:08:33,096
You know, like when you pay bums to...
CYRIL: Destroy an oil pipeline in...
205
00:08:33,231 --> 00:08:34,531
CHERYL/CAROL: I want
to say Burt Reynolds.
206
00:08:34,666 --> 00:08:36,033
CYRIL: ...Turkmenistan?
207
00:08:36,168 --> 00:08:38,002
KRIEGER: Odessa. You
know, the ratlines?
208
00:08:38,137 --> 00:08:41,038
CHERYL/CAROL: Where you make it
look like a murder-suicide, but...
209
00:08:41,173 --> 00:08:44,308
KRIEGER: Is it murder if
they were my own clones?
210
00:08:44,443 --> 00:08:46,077
I'm seriously asking.
211
00:08:46,212 --> 00:08:48,379
GILLETTE: Oh, because,
speaking of sexual assault...
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00:08:48,514 --> 00:08:51,081
PAM (munching): Which time?
213
00:08:51,216 --> 00:08:53,217
'Cause for one of 'em I
got a pretty good excuse.
214
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AGENT 2: Can I stop you?
215
00:08:54,419 --> 00:08:55,285
Please?
216
00:08:55,420 --> 00:08:56,420
PAM: That's what he said.
217
00:08:56,521 --> 00:08:58,088
(Pam clears throat)
218
00:08:58,222 --> 00:08:59,189
Inappropriate.
219
00:08:59,324 --> 00:09:02,192
CYRIL: Geez, when you just
list everything ISIS has done,
220
00:09:02,326 --> 00:09:04,194
it sounds kind of bad.
221
00:09:04,328 --> 00:09:07,163
AGENT 3: And so if I were you...
ARCHER: You'd get laid a lot more?
222
00:09:07,298 --> 00:09:09,232
AGENT 3: I'd start talking.
223
00:09:09,367 --> 00:09:10,333
Everybody else is!
224
00:09:10,468 --> 00:09:14,070
They're in there right now, saying
he's the brains behind ISIS.
225
00:09:14,204 --> 00:09:16,372
LANA: Ha!
ARCHER: Exactly, I... Hey, screw you!
226
00:09:16,507 --> 00:09:18,107
LANA: Screw you!
227
00:09:18,242 --> 00:09:20,343
Mr. My Mother's A Lying Bitch
And I'm Too Stupid To Realize
228
00:09:20,477 --> 00:09:22,078
My Life's A Pathetic Joke!
229
00:09:22,212 --> 00:09:25,214
ARCHER: Oh, nice to meet you,
Mrs. Hello My Kid's From A Sperm
230
00:09:25,349 --> 00:09:28,417
Bank Since I Can't Keep A Man Because
In Addition To My Jillion Neuroses
231
00:09:28,552 --> 00:09:30,252
I Have A Weird-looking Vagina!
232
00:09:30,387 --> 00:09:31,320
(Lana gasps)
233
00:09:31,455 --> 00:09:33,288
(Archer and Lana grunting)
234
00:09:33,423 --> 00:09:34,289
AGENT 3: Okay, knock it off.
235
00:09:34,424 --> 00:09:35,190
Hey!
236
00:09:35,325 --> 00:09:37,159
(FBI Agents grunting)
237
00:09:37,293 --> 00:09:40,162
ARCHER: I can't believe
they fell for that.
238
00:09:40,297 --> 00:09:42,131
LANA: Ahem. Miss what?
239
00:09:42,265 --> 00:09:44,300
ARCHER: Sorry, it-it's not
that weird look... Lana!
240
00:09:44,434 --> 00:09:45,434
(gunshot)
241
00:09:45,569 --> 00:09:48,203
ARCHER: Thought you
were gonna shoot me.
242
00:09:48,338 --> 00:09:49,438
LANA: Day's not over.
243
00:09:49,572 --> 00:09:53,375
ARCHER: And seriously, Lana,
sorry for what I said.
244
00:09:53,510 --> 00:09:56,144
Then that's where you say...
(Archer yells)
245
00:09:56,279 --> 00:09:57,200
LANA: Good-bye, Archer.
246
00:09:57,280 --> 00:09:59,147
ARCHER: Where do you
think you're going?
247
00:09:59,282 --> 00:10:01,283
LANA: Not to jail with
you and your mother.
248
00:10:01,418 --> 00:10:02,339
ARCHER: Well, you know,
249
00:10:02,352 --> 00:10:03,319
we can ask the judge...
250
00:10:03,453 --> 00:10:04,333
LANA: You know prisons
251
00:10:04,388 --> 00:10:05,221
aren't co-ed, right?
252
00:10:05,355 --> 00:10:07,390
ARCHER: Oh. Okay, we got
to get out of here.
253
00:10:07,524 --> 00:10:10,359
LANA: "We"? There is no
"we" anymore, Archer!
254
00:10:10,493 --> 00:10:12,127
Well, there's this we...
255
00:10:12,262 --> 00:10:13,462
ARCHER: Uh...
LANA: Oh, shit.
256
00:10:13,596 --> 00:10:15,131
ARCHER: Yeah.
257
00:10:15,265 --> 00:10:16,332
You're gonna be a great mother.
258
00:10:16,466 --> 00:10:18,301
LANA: I could start smoking
crack today, and he'd still
259
00:10:18,435 --> 00:10:19,435
turn out better than you.
260
00:10:19,436 --> 00:10:20,436
ARCHER: And why is that?
261
00:10:20,570 --> 00:10:22,338
Because I never had
a father, Lana?
262
00:10:22,472 --> 00:10:25,240
So why don't you shut up,
and then also marry me.
263
00:10:25,375 --> 00:10:26,475
LANA: What?!
264
00:10:26,609 --> 00:10:30,178
ARCHER: I'm serious-- we can go
underground, get new identities,
265
00:10:30,313 --> 00:10:32,280
and spend the rest of our
lives together, Lana.
266
00:10:32,415 --> 00:10:33,281
We'll be a family.
267
00:10:33,416 --> 00:10:37,486
You, me, the baby and your
not-that-weird-looking vagina.
268
00:10:37,620 --> 00:10:44,158
LANA: Okay, don't take this the wrong
way... but I would rather lose the baby.
269
00:10:44,292 --> 00:10:45,392
ARCHER: Wha... I...
270
00:10:45,526 --> 00:10:46,393
LANA: Okay, that-that
271
00:10:46,527 --> 00:10:47,493
wasn't...
272
00:10:47,628 --> 00:10:49,195
I didn't...
273
00:10:49,329 --> 00:10:50,196
ARCHER: Excuse me.
274
00:10:51,465 --> 00:10:54,033
(Lana sighs)
275
00:10:57,538 --> 00:10:59,439
(Archer laughing)
276
00:10:59,573 --> 00:11:01,374
ARCHER: Jesus Christ,
come on, you idiot.
277
00:11:01,509 --> 00:11:03,309
(Lana grunts)
278
00:11:03,444 --> 00:11:05,564
CYRIL: "I have read this
statement, each page of which
279
00:11:05,579 --> 00:11:08,348
bears my initials, and I
do hereby certify..."
280
00:11:08,482 --> 00:11:10,416
PAM: "That the facts herein
are true and correct,
281
00:11:10,551 --> 00:11:12,619
signed Pamela Poovey."
282
00:11:12,753 --> 00:11:14,154
Cyril Figgis.
283
00:11:14,288 --> 00:11:16,255
RAY: "Raymond Q. Gillette."
284
00:11:16,390 --> 00:11:17,511
KRIEGER: "Algernop Krieger."
285
00:11:17,558 --> 00:11:20,226
CHERYL/CAROL: "Cheryl
and/or Carol Tunt."
286
00:11:20,361 --> 00:11:23,163
Now, I would like a
ride home, please.
287
00:11:23,298 --> 00:11:24,659
Preferably in an
Apache helicopter.
288
00:11:24,699 --> 00:11:28,436
PAM: And I believe there was some
mention of throwing a bone into me?
289
00:11:28,570 --> 00:11:30,437
FBI AGENT 2: What are
you talking about?
290
00:11:30,572 --> 00:11:33,206
PAM: A penis in my vagina.
291
00:11:33,341 --> 00:11:37,177
Or wherever, but come on, chop-chop, I
got to go start enjoying my immunity.
292
00:11:37,311 --> 00:11:37,711
(FBI Agent 2 laughs)
293
00:11:37,845 --> 00:11:39,712
FBI AGENT 2: Yeah, you said immunity.
I didn't.
294
00:11:39,847 --> 00:11:40,446
RAY: Dukes!
295
00:11:40,581 --> 00:11:41,347
CYRIL: God!
296
00:11:41,482 --> 00:11:42,348
KRIEGER: Damn it!
297
00:11:42,483 --> 00:11:44,384
CHERYL/CAROL: So is that a
"no" on the Apache, or...?
298
00:11:44,518 --> 00:11:46,186
(knocking)
299
00:11:46,320 --> 00:11:49,455
FBI AGENT 4: Oh, my God,
okay, so this ditz... Oh.
300
00:11:49,590 --> 00:11:51,591
CHERYL/CAROL: Now
who's the ditz, huh?
301
00:11:51,725 --> 00:11:53,426
LANA: Would you just come on?
302
00:11:53,561 --> 00:11:55,362
CHERYL/CAROL: I'm
seriously asking.
303
00:11:55,496 --> 00:11:57,197
PAM: Aw, but look at him.
304
00:11:57,331 --> 00:11:59,265
All tied up like a sexy
little Christmas ham.
305
00:11:59,400 --> 00:12:03,336
CYRIL: And can I just go on record as
saying I think this is an extremely
306
00:12:03,471 --> 00:12:04,404
bad idea?
307
00:12:04,538 --> 00:12:06,439
LANA: You know what's a bad idea?
Prison.
308
00:12:06,574 --> 00:12:09,509
ARCHER: Because, spoiler
alert, they're unisex.
309
00:12:09,643 --> 00:12:12,178
PAM: Hello, best part.
310
00:12:14,549 --> 00:12:15,482
HOLLY: Yeah?
311
00:12:15,616 --> 00:12:19,319
ARCHER: Uh, uh...
CHERYL/CAROL(old lady voice): Oh, Clyde?
312
00:12:19,454 --> 00:12:20,554
Clyde, is that you?
313
00:12:20,688 --> 00:12:24,424
It's me, dear, Mrs. J.
Edgar Hoover's mother.
314
00:12:26,360 --> 00:12:28,461
HOLLY: Um... it's open.
315
00:12:28,595 --> 00:12:29,462
Ma'am.
316
00:12:29,597 --> 00:12:31,230
ARCHER: Nobody move!
317
00:12:31,365 --> 00:12:34,233
Or...
MALORY: What the hell are you doing?
318
00:12:34,367 --> 00:12:35,607
ARCHER: Getting us out of here.
319
00:12:35,735 --> 00:12:37,602
MALORY: I've already done that.
Let him go.
320
00:12:37,736 --> 00:12:41,405
And you'll just have to put that on my...
whatever... crime tab.
321
00:12:41,540 --> 00:12:43,274
HOLLY: No, no, no, no, no.
322
00:12:43,408 --> 00:12:45,576
Taking a federal agent hostage
is a separate charge.
323
00:12:45,711 --> 00:12:47,511
MALORY: Oh, well, then
perhaps we should get
324
00:12:47,779 --> 00:12:49,447
him back on the phone.
325
00:12:49,581 --> 00:12:54,319
HOLLY: I... that... I-I don't... There's
no need to bother the... Eh, look.
326
00:12:54,454 --> 00:12:56,615
If you'll just sign this form...
MALORY: Doo, doo, doo.
327
00:12:56,689 --> 00:12:59,391
"In lieu of criminal
prosecutions for..."
328
00:12:59,525 --> 00:13:02,594
Doo, doo, doo... "Treason, I
hereby forfeit ISIS headquarters.
329
00:13:02,728 --> 00:13:03,595
(all groaning)
330
00:13:03,730 --> 00:13:08,467
And also agree to permanently cease and
desist any and all ISIS operations."
331
00:13:08,601 --> 00:13:09,301
(all gasping)
332
00:13:09,435 --> 00:13:10,335
ARCHER: Oh, my God.
333
00:13:10,470 --> 00:13:13,510
HOLLY: Or face a mandatory sentence of
life in federal prison without parole.
334
00:13:13,607 --> 00:13:15,508
ARCHER: You got
to be kidding me.
335
00:13:15,642 --> 00:13:17,577
MALORY: "Signed, Malory Archer."
336
00:13:17,711 --> 00:13:18,578
LANA: Oh, my God.
337
00:13:18,712 --> 00:13:20,513
ARCHER: No, uh-uh, nope.
338
00:13:20,648 --> 00:13:23,650
Because correct me if I'm
wrong, but that entire document
339
00:13:23,784 --> 00:13:25,585
is completely unenforceable.
340
00:13:25,719 --> 00:13:27,486
I correct you. You are wrong.
341
00:13:27,621 --> 00:13:29,488
MALORY: For God's sake,
Sterling, it's the government.
342
00:13:29,623 --> 00:13:31,624
Even if it weren't legal,
they'd enforce it.
343
00:13:31,758 --> 00:13:34,427
HOLLY: Hey, save it for four
ninths of the Supreme Court.
344
00:13:34,561 --> 00:13:35,428
MALORY: Oh, shut up.
345
00:13:35,562 --> 00:13:37,330
And unless there's
anything else?
346
00:13:37,464 --> 00:13:39,498
HOLLY: Uh, just this,
releasing the bureau from any
347
00:13:39,633 --> 00:13:43,602
claims relating to the death of
your employee... Brett, uh, Bunson?
348
00:13:43,737 --> 00:13:44,537
ARCHER: Oh, my God!
349
00:13:44,671 --> 00:13:45,538
LANA: What?
350
00:13:45,672 --> 00:13:47,373
ARCHER: Beaker's boss!
351
00:13:47,508 --> 00:13:49,475
Bunsen frickin' Honeydew!
352
00:13:49,609 --> 00:13:50,609
Woooooo!!
353
00:13:50,744 --> 00:13:52,445
(groans)
354
00:13:52,579 --> 00:13:55,381
That was figuratively
killing me.
355
00:13:59,259 --> 00:14:01,460
ARCHER: I can't believe
they're taking our building.
356
00:14:01,595 --> 00:14:02,595
LANA: Screw the building!
357
00:14:02,629 --> 00:14:04,163
What about our jobs?
358
00:14:04,298 --> 00:14:05,498
Oh, and our health insurance.
359
00:14:05,632 --> 00:14:08,134
Which I'm pretty
sure I'm gonna need.
360
00:14:08,268 --> 00:14:09,201
KRIEGER: I'll be your doctor.
361
00:14:09,336 --> 00:14:12,305
LANA: Well, if I want Hitler's DNA
spliced into him, I'll give you a call.
362
00:14:12,439 --> 00:14:13,479
KRIEGER: Yeah, I'm around.
363
00:14:13,574 --> 00:14:17,376
MALORY: Well, as for me, I think
I'll start shopping my memoirs.
364
00:14:17,510 --> 00:14:18,377
How does the title
365
00:14:18,580 --> 00:14:19,620
Secrets and Silk grab you?
366
00:14:19,645 --> 00:14:21,513
ARCHER: Tightly by my
childhood's throat.
367
00:14:21,648 --> 00:14:24,250
MALORY: Oh, you're just jealous.
368
00:14:24,384 --> 00:14:26,344
CHERYL/CAROL: Yeah, jealous
of my fallback career.
369
00:14:26,353 --> 00:14:27,313
PAM (laughing): As what?
370
00:14:27,387 --> 00:14:28,387
An actual acorn?
371
00:14:28,522 --> 00:14:31,324
CHERYL/CAROL: As America's
number one country singer.
372
00:14:31,458 --> 00:14:33,359
LANA: And kudos.
373
00:14:33,494 --> 00:14:36,495
But for the rest of us trapped
in the realm of possibility...
374
00:14:36,630 --> 00:14:39,165
CHERYL/CAROL: I'm gonna
be bigger than Mac Davis.
375
00:14:39,299 --> 00:14:41,333
And Mac Davis can
totally suck it.
376
00:14:41,468 --> 00:14:45,470
ARCHER: And you can all suck it because
I am gonna play professional lacrosse.
377
00:14:45,605 --> 00:14:47,272
LANA: Okay, even if that were
378
00:14:47,407 --> 00:14:48,240
a real thing...
379
00:14:48,374 --> 00:14:49,274
ARCHER: Is it not?
380
00:14:49,409 --> 00:14:50,569
LANA: ...you are way too old.
381
00:14:50,610 --> 00:14:53,312
ARCHER: I am not... Oh, my God.
I am way too old.
382
00:14:53,446 --> 00:14:54,213
(cracks knuckles)
383
00:14:54,347 --> 00:14:57,249
PAM: Welp, hope I'm not too old to
get back into underground fighting.
384
00:14:57,383 --> 00:14:58,217
CYRIL: Darn.
385
00:14:58,351 --> 00:14:59,432
All those jobs are awesome.
386
00:14:59,552 --> 00:15:01,320
LANA: And by awesome
you mean delusional.
387
00:15:01,454 --> 00:15:03,455
CYRIL: Because it's gonna
be hard to go back to an
388
00:15:03,589 --> 00:15:04,489
accounting firm after this job.
389
00:15:04,624 --> 00:15:07,492
ARCHER: Especially after Mother
gives you a shitty reference.
390
00:15:07,627 --> 00:15:08,493
Mother, do that.
391
00:15:08,628 --> 00:15:10,462
CYRIL: I meant it'll be boring.
392
00:15:10,596 --> 00:15:14,433
Although, I guess I could always go
back to being a defense attorney.
393
00:15:14,567 --> 00:15:15,300
(all groaning)
394
00:15:15,435 --> 00:15:17,403
LANA: When were you
ever a lawyer?
395
00:15:17,537 --> 00:15:19,538
CYRIL: Lana, we had
long talks about this.
396
00:15:19,673 --> 00:15:24,210
How I went to night school to pass the
CPA exam because I was so burned out
397
00:15:24,345 --> 00:15:26,446
defending scumbags as
a public defender?
398
00:15:28,382 --> 00:15:29,582
Numerous... long talks.
399
00:15:29,716 --> 00:15:30,583
LANA: With me?
400
00:15:30,717 --> 00:15:32,585
CYRIL: Oh, for...
(Archer laughs)
401
00:15:32,719 --> 00:15:34,587
Well, don't come crying to me
when that fatherless kid of
402
00:15:34,721 --> 00:15:38,590
yours buys a gun and steals a car, and
he tries to run but he don't get far!
403
00:15:38,724 --> 00:15:42,260
CHERYL/CAROL: ♪ In the ghetto
where Mac Davis sucks it. ♪
404
00:15:42,394 --> 00:15:43,461
ARCHER: Are you done?
405
00:15:43,596 --> 00:15:45,297
CHERYL/CAROL: Are you done?!
406
00:15:45,431 --> 00:15:46,598
Again, seriously asking.
407
00:15:46,733 --> 00:15:50,369
ARCHER: Yes. So I guess we
should talk about the elephant
408
00:15:50,504 --> 00:15:55,541
in the room. Namely... What are we gonna
do with literally, not figuratively,
409
00:15:55,675 --> 00:15:58,544
a ton of cocaine?
410
00:15:58,678 --> 00:16:03,349
MALORY: Well...
LANA: Wha...? Oh, come on!
411
00:16:03,484 --> 00:16:07,320
ARCHER: What, Lana, we must be talking...
CYRIL: Wholesale? Uh, 50, 60
412
00:16:07,454 --> 00:16:08,355
million?
413
00:16:08,489 --> 00:16:09,289
LANA (laughs): Wholesale.
414
00:16:09,424 --> 00:16:10,624
So, what, we form a cartel?
415
00:16:10,758 --> 00:16:12,326
MALORY: Well, how hard could
416
00:16:12,460 --> 00:16:13,393
it be? I mean...
417
00:16:13,528 --> 00:16:14,294
LANA: Don't.
418
00:16:14,428 --> 00:16:16,563
MALORY: ...if
Mexicans can do it.
419
00:16:16,697 --> 00:16:18,465
(ice clinks in glass)
420
00:16:19,667 --> 00:16:21,267
ARCHER: $50 million, Lana.
421
00:16:21,402 --> 00:16:22,502
We sell this and we're out.
422
00:16:22,636 --> 00:16:23,636
I promise.
423
00:16:23,770 --> 00:16:27,606
MALORY: Dr. Krieger has devised a way
to transport the cocaine undetected.
424
00:16:27,741 --> 00:16:31,277
ARCHER: You're probably gonna want
to try to minimize the sweating.
425
00:16:31,411 --> 00:16:33,612
We're gonna go ahead and take
the cocaine and the money.
426
00:16:33,713 --> 00:16:35,580
MALORY: What do you
mean counterfeit?
427
00:16:35,715 --> 00:16:36,548
ARCHER: The Yakuza?
428
00:16:36,683 --> 00:16:37,583
MALORY: Amphetamines?!
429
00:16:37,717 --> 00:16:40,453
ARCHER: Well, Pam screwed
the Yakuza out of a million
430
00:16:40,587 --> 00:16:42,655
bucks of amphetamines, so now
they're gonna cut her head off.
431
00:16:42,789 --> 00:16:44,623
CHERYL/CAROL: ♪ Baby,
please don't go ♪
432
00:16:44,757 --> 00:16:45,524
ARCHER: Get down!
433
00:16:45,658 --> 00:16:47,426
CHERYL/CAROL: ♪ Baby,
please don't go ♪
434
00:16:47,560 --> 00:16:48,393
MALORY: Ron!
435
00:16:48,528 --> 00:16:50,762
ARCHER: Yeah, this is actually a
little harder than I thought.
436
00:16:50,896 --> 00:16:53,331
CHERYL/CAROL: Because
I don't fly.
437
00:16:53,466 --> 00:16:56,468
ARCHER: So, you've only got
24 hours to drive to Texas?
438
00:16:56,602 --> 00:16:58,570
(laughing)
439
00:16:58,704 --> 00:17:00,572
Did you tell anybody we were
hauling a shitload of coke?
440
00:17:00,707 --> 00:17:04,310
CHERYL/CAROL: ♪ Yeah, your girl
done gone down to the county farm ♪
441
00:17:04,444 --> 00:17:05,311
Take me with you!
442
00:17:05,445 --> 00:17:07,613
Outlaw country! Woooooo!!
443
00:17:07,748 --> 00:17:09,315
MAN: Honey, you're number 14
444
00:17:09,449 --> 00:17:10,516
nationwide.
445
00:17:10,651 --> 00:17:12,452
ROY ACUFF: How bout a big ol'
446
00:17:12,586 --> 00:17:14,520
country welcome for Cherlene!
447
00:17:14,655 --> 00:17:17,735
CHERYL/CAROL: ♪ Before I be your dog get
you way down here make you walk alone
448
00:17:17,825 --> 00:17:19,358
Baby, please don't go ♪
449
00:17:19,493 --> 00:17:20,359
Woooooo!!
450
00:17:20,494 --> 00:17:21,360
SANTOS: Incredible.
451
00:17:21,495 --> 00:17:22,416
I must meet this woman.
452
00:17:22,529 --> 00:17:25,449
CYRIL: Well, what do you think is gonna
happen when three gringos waltz in
453
00:17:25,532 --> 00:17:29,635
and start asking around for the woman
who runs the entire Cali cartel?
454
00:17:29,769 --> 00:17:30,703
ARCHER: Wooohooohooohoooo!!
455
00:17:30,837 --> 00:17:33,372
(man grunts)
456
00:17:33,507 --> 00:17:37,443
LANA: Are you sure you cannot
make love to me just once more?
457
00:17:37,577 --> 00:17:39,511
ARCHER: Not without a
blood transfusion.
458
00:17:39,646 --> 00:17:40,479
LANA: Very well.
459
00:17:40,613 --> 00:17:43,415
ARCHER: Ow! Ow! Ow!
460
00:17:43,549 --> 00:17:44,549
(yells)
461
00:17:44,684 --> 00:17:46,551
CHERYL/CAROL: ♪ Baby, please
don't go down to New Orleans
462
00:17:46,686 --> 00:17:48,553
You know I love you so
Baby, please don't go ♪
463
00:17:48,688 --> 00:17:51,423
LANA: You're doing the exact thing
you promised me you wouldn't!
464
00:17:51,557 --> 00:17:52,791
ARCHER: I was kidding.
(tiger growls)
465
00:17:52,925 --> 00:17:55,726
CHERYL/CAROL: ♪ Before I be
your dog Before I be your dog ♪
466
00:17:55,861 --> 00:17:57,595
SANTOS: Welcome to San Marcos.
467
00:17:57,729 --> 00:17:59,597
CHERYL/CAROL: ♪ Before I be
your dog get you way down here
468
00:17:59,731 --> 00:18:00,691
And let you walk alone ♪
469
00:18:00,766 --> 00:18:01,766
CYRIL: So, couple things.
470
00:18:01,767 --> 00:18:02,688
ARCHER: Oh, goddamn it.
471
00:18:02,801 --> 00:18:04,368
Did you fart in that?
472
00:18:04,503 --> 00:18:06,504
CHERYL/ CAROL: ♪ You know
how I feel right now? ♪
473
00:18:06,638 --> 00:18:07,404
(grunting)
474
00:18:07,539 --> 00:18:09,373
♪ My baby's leaving (laughing)
475
00:18:09,507 --> 00:18:11,509
♪ On that midnight train
(siren blaring)
476
00:18:11,643 --> 00:18:13,544
♪ And I'm crying
CYRIL: Suppressing fire!
477
00:18:13,678 --> 00:18:16,380
CHERYL/CAROL: ♪ Baby,
please don't go ♪
478
00:18:16,514 --> 00:18:17,381
ARCHER: Goddamn it, Cyril!
479
00:18:17,515 --> 00:18:18,715
CHERYL/CAROL: ♪ Baby,
please don't go
480
00:18:18,850 --> 00:18:19,771
Baby, please don't go ♪
481
00:18:19,784 --> 00:18:21,651
HOLLY: You're running
out of options, Archer.
482
00:18:21,786 --> 00:18:23,653
CHERYL/CAROL: ♪ Baby,
please don't go ♪
483
00:18:23,788 --> 00:18:24,654
SANTOS: I want Archer dead!
484
00:18:24,788 --> 00:18:26,689
CHERYL/CAROL: ♪ Baby, please
don't go down to New Orleans
485
00:18:26,824 --> 00:18:28,691
You know I love you so
Baby, please don't go ♪
486
00:18:28,825 --> 00:18:31,694
MALORY: I think you just stumbled
backwards into a CIA arms deal.
487
00:18:31,828 --> 00:18:32,762
(Cheryl/Carol screams)
488
00:18:32,896 --> 00:18:33,729
(explosion)
489
00:18:33,864 --> 00:18:35,498
RAY: They kidnapped Cherlene!
490
00:18:35,633 --> 00:18:36,766
LANA: Archer!
491
00:18:36,901 --> 00:18:38,769
PAM: We just started
a frickin' coup!
492
00:18:38,903 --> 00:18:39,770
CHERYL/CAROL: ♪ Before I be
493
00:18:39,904 --> 00:18:40,771
your dog get you way down here
494
00:18:40,906 --> 00:18:42,406
Make you walk alone
495
00:18:42,541 --> 00:18:43,407
Baby, please don't go, yeah ♪
496
00:18:43,542 --> 00:18:45,409
LANA: Archer, my
water just broke.
497
00:18:45,544 --> 00:18:46,824
CHERYL/CAROL: ♪ All right now. ♪
498
00:18:46,912 --> 00:18:49,680
ARCHER: And for what it's worth, I'm
pretty sure I just invaded Laos.
499
00:18:49,815 --> 00:18:50,681
(woman speaking Vietnamese)
500
00:18:50,816 --> 00:18:56,454
And, Chi, I swear to God, mention the
compass again and just see what happens.
501
00:18:56,589 --> 00:18:57,455
(tiger roars)
502
00:18:57,590 --> 00:18:59,404
ARCHER: Archer Vice.
503
00:18:59,524 --> 00:19:00,092
LANA: What?
504
00:19:00,212 --> 00:19:01,469
ARCHER: Nothing.
505
00:19:01,829 --> 00:19:03,281
Shut up.
506
00:19:03,939 --> 00:19:14,333
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
506
00:19:15,305 --> 00:20:15,838
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