ARCHER: Are you shitting me?!
How can they do that?!
And do you have to do that
right goddamn now?!
KRIEGER: I actually
don't have to do it ever.
CYRIL: And so I ask again,
why are you?!
KRIEGER: Mm-m.
ARCHER: How can they seize
my penthouse?!
MALORY: Well A, they're the
government, and B, ISIS owned
that penthouse, so -
ARCHER: Since when?
MALORY: Since this new thing
called always?
It never struck you as odd
that you lived there
for ten years and never paid
a dime in rent?!
ARCHER: I just thought it was
because I banged the landlord's
wife when she dropped off
the key.
But I realize now
that I was mistaken.
LANA: Aw, what a scary
new feeling for you.
ARCHER: Not as scary
as having to live
in Casa de Addams Family
with you two!
MALORY: Ugh, no,
I'm just working here,
not moving in.
I was smart enough to put
my apartment in Ron's name.
LANA: We all could've hidden
our assets if you'd warned us
we were about to be
arrested for treason!
MALORY: Oh for the love,
how long are you going to
throw that in my face? !
LANA: Probably at least
through the weekend.
MALORY: Well, then you'll have
to throw it from Miami.
LANA: Wait, no, why,
what's in --
[ BEEP BEEP BEEP! ]
LANA: -- Miami.
MALORY: Besides ninety percent
of all mosquitoes and Cubans
on earth?
ARCHER: That sounds high.
MALORY: A buyer for twenty
kilos of our cocaine.
LANA: Okay, now you sound high.
[ BRAWMP! ]
MALORY: And what did I say
about that horn? !
PAM: Oh, you were serious?
MALORY: Did I not
look serious? !
LANA: Well maybe she
couldn't tell,
because you seemed pretty
serious just now,
when you said you set up
a drug deal.
MALORY: How else are we
supposed to sell it?
It's not like we can have
a yard sale.
ARCHER: Yeah, Lana.
Hello, people would steal it?
LANA: I realize.
We can't have a yard sale.
ARCHER: Plus it's illegal?
LANA: My point.
Is how did you, Malory,
possibly, set up
a major drug deal?
MALORY: Oh,
don't worry about that...
LANA: Kinda feel like I should.
MALORY: Just worry about
not screwing up this deal,
because if it all goes well,
my contact's people may
buy the rest.
And the sooner we sell
this cocaine,
the sooner we'll all be
set for life.
ARCHER: And the sooner we
can move out of this enormous,
Gilded Age mansion.
Which -- where the hell is
Woodhouse?
PAM: In the pool.
WOODHOUSE: Hello?
I've finished!
ARCHER: Jesus Christ,
how long does it take him
to move in?
MALORY: And so, the sooner
you go to Miami...
LANA: Oh, I'm sorry,
lemme eat forty pounds of
coke-filled rubbers,
and we're off.
MALORY: Don't be ridiculous -
ARCHER: Hello, pregnant?
MALORY: -- Dr. Krieger has
devised a way
to transport the cocaine
undetected.
KRIEGER: Oh, you were serious?
MALORY: Wh-? God! Dammit!
KRIEGER: Sometimes it's hard
to tell with you!
MALORY: And since Carol insists
on keeping Ms. Gillette here
as a voice coach...
CHERYL/CAROL: Do, re, mi,
fa, so, la, teeeeee!
GILLETTE: No no no no no!
Again!
CHERYL/CAROL: Do -
ARCHER: And also
since he's crippled...
MALORY: And also since
he's crippled, Pam --
[ BRAWMP! ]
MALORY: will be going with you.
PAM: Kinda like the third
Musketeer, huh? !
MALORY: Kinda.
ARCHER: Hey Pam, relax, breathe
you're doing fine...
But since that, um,
special "plaster" in your cast
can totally be absorbed through
the skin,
you're probably gonna wanna try
to minimize the sweating.
Yeah, just think cool thoughts.
Like eating mint
chocolate chip ice cream.
In your refrigerated drawer.
At the morgue.
Watch Movies, TV Series and Live Sports Signup Here -> WWW.ADMITME.APP
CHERYL/CAROL: Do, re, mi, fa --
GILLETTE: No! Again!
MALORY: My God,
how I envy the deaf.
I hope you're a better lawyer
than she is a singer.
CYRIL: I'd have to be.
And I will be,
I'm pretty darn excited
to be practicing law again.
I mean, hopefully I won't have
to defend anybody in court,
but --
MALORY: But there's always
a district attorney
to blackmail,
a witness to coerce,
a judge to bribe...
CYRIL: Bribe with what?
The government seized the
ISIS accounts, we're broke.
MALORY: Hopefully not for long.
And when that drug money
starts pouring in,
you'll be in charge of
laundering.
CYRIL: I'll start looking
for a laundromat.
MALORY: Wh-?
Money laundering, you ass!
Oh, you mean as a front,
because a laundromat
is a cash-based business.
Why don't I just leave that
whole side of the organization
to you?
CYRIL: Only if you promise
to periodically micromanage it.
And emasculate me.
MALORY: Cyril,
I would have thought
that goes without saying.
ARCHER: Ugh!
It smells like a skunk ape!
LANA: Yeah,
I'm hoping the mattresses
are just mildewy, and not...
Mildewy and dead-hookery.
ARCHER: No, not the room.
These.
PAM: Casts smell bad when
thing people know about!
ARCHER: Yeah after six weeks,
not six hours!
LANA: So listen,
about this deal...
ARCHER: Hang on.
Pam, chop chop, torso!
Ugh, this smells like a kennel,
but for dogs that are poor.
LANA: Archer!
ARCHER: What, smell it.
LANA: Shut up, look
your mother's got the time
in here, the place,
price per kilo...
But there's nothing
about her contact,
no picture,
not even a name?
What if this "person" is
really a biker gang?
ARCHER: Who gives a shit?
Hang on.
Legs!
Lana, you and I, more me,
were two of the best
secret agents in the
world...
LANA: We were rogues.
ARCHER: Potato, puh-treason,
whatever, but we've been
up against terrorists,
assassins, the KGB,
the IRA remember, North Korea,
cyborgs, help me out...
LANA: Space pirates...
ARCHER: Oh my God, I forgot
about the space pirates!
But the point is,
we are highly trained
covert operatives with an
extremely dangerous set
of skills --
Pam, legs!
-- and since the government
has unjustly accused us
of treason,
we are now forced to transfer
those skills from espionage
to criminal activity,
kind of like the A-Team,
but we sell drugs.
LANA: And you're okay
with that.
ARCHER: Are you not? !
Lana, it's the A-Team
meets Scarface!
That makes me...
LANA: Hannibal Montana?
ARCHER: What the--? Pam? !
Goddammit, tell me you're not --
Pam !
Stop eating it, dammit !
LANA: Pam?
Archer?
PAM: He's okay!
He's okay don't come in here
don't come in here he's okay!
LANA: Oh shit.
PAM: What,
I said don't come in here!
LANA: No, Leon!
LANA: No, I'm honestly
not judging you...
PAM: Really, so this super-judgy
feeling I'm feeling is just me
feeling like you're super-judgy
and that's me? !
LANA: So, um, are you hearing
your words?
PAM: Are you shitting me?
I can't hear anything over
my har --
tbeat, yerp,
fired back up boop!
LANA: It's just we're like,
two days into this whole
drug cartel thing,
and you're already
addicted to cocaine.
PAM: Oh okay so I should
take life advice from
an unwed mother? !
With a dirty car? !
PAM: Is he dead?
LANA: No.
PAM: He looks dead.
LANA: He's not.
PAM: I think he's dead.
LANA: Pam?
LATINO VOICE: Mis amigas,
por favor!
ARCHER: Unghh...
PAM: Is he a zombie?
LANA: Pam!
LATINO VOICE: Sterling?
Sterling can you hear me?
ARCHER: Ramón? !
RAMON: Sí, mi amigo,
soy yo!
LANA: Wh-?
You two know each other? !
ARCHER: Sh-shut your h-hole,
am I d-dying?
RAMON: No, amigo, estas bien!
ARCHER: But I'm s-so,
c-co -- oh.
Um...
RAMON: She insisted.
PAM: So we could unfreeze
you in the future,
once medical science had
developed a cure for...
headsmash.
ARCHER: And you...
LANA: Acquiesced.
She's all...
coke-strong.
RAMON: So yes,
I am your mother's contact.
After Fidel's hitmen try
to kill me --
ARCHER: Ugh, Charles and Rudi,
those dicks.
I wonder what ever happened
RAMON: Anyway! I go into hiding,
change my name,
buy this business with some
little money I borrow from Mamá,
and --
ARCHER: Hey, how is your mother?
RAMON: Pff, como siempre.
Y la tuya?
CHERYL/CAROL: Do, re --
[ BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM! ]
CHERYL/CAROL: Jesus!
Alright already!
MALORY: Thank you.
ARCHER: Como siempre.
RAMON: So, she telephone me,
ask if I know some maybe people,
I say yes,
I know some maybe people,
and here we are.
LANA: And, sorry,
you're getting out of this
maybe what?
ARCHER: Lana!
He's helping a dear friend!
RAMON: Sí, claro.
And also how you say,
a finder's fee?
Five thousand a kilo.
ARCHER: Oh.
RAMON: Because I want to buy
that place...
EVERYBODY: [ Gasps ]
RAMON: Nice, eh?
Is the best club in Miami.
ARCHER: Uh, duh!
LANA: Archer, what're you --
ARCHER: Lana, we're gonna need
an office in Miami,
and that office is gonna need
to be a red leather banquette!
RAMON: Dios mío,
that would be increíble!
You and me, together at last...
LANA: Implying that you two
haven't ever, cough,
been together, or...?
ARCHER: It was a mission, Lana!
Ramón's Latino,
so he's comfortable
expressing affection!
It doesn't make him gay!
RAMON: Although I am.
ARCHER: So go ahead, Lana,
judge away!
PAM: Right?
LANA: I -- Pam shut up,
and Archer you know better,
I don't care about that.
What I do care about are
these buyers of yours, Ramón.
Who are they?
RAMON: Just some guys.
We'll go see them, they're cool,
dun't worry about it.
LANA: Kinda feel like I should.
ARCHER: Lana, Ramón vouches
for them, I vouch for him,
and you're embarrassing me!
LANA: I am.
PAM: Kachoooo!
LANA: That's flour, by the way.
PAM: I know.
CHERYL/CAROL: Don't you think
I know that? !
I know it's bad,
I'm not ear-crippled!
GILLETTE: Well,
then maybe being a c --
CHERYL/CAROL: Not a,
the number one country music
singer in all of America,
and some of Canada!
what if maybe that goal's
not realistic?
Or even unlaughable?
CHERYL/CAROL: Get out!
ARCHER: Wait, seriously?
RAMON: Yes,
they were very clear,
no guns.
ARCHER: But --
RAMON: I gave mi palabra.
ARCHER: Right, sorry, I --
LANA: Archer.
ARCHER: Lana he gave
his palabra!
LANA: If anything goes wrong
I'm holding you responsible.
ARCHER: Yeah, that'll teach me.
CYRIL: Tough day, huh?
GILLETTE: The high point
was getting shot at.
CYRIL: It's so weird, I mean,
she's a billionaire,
she could be anything,
a world traveler,
an art collector...
GILLETTE: A transatlantic
goddamn balloonist!
CYRIL: So, why does she want
to be a country singer so badly?
Besides being clinically insane.
GILLETTE: Yeah.
Here's to the crazy ones.
CYRIL: Um...
RAMON: Ugh, díos mio,
that stinks!
PAM: It's not that bad!
I mean it's not great, but...
This is still some primo shit.
ARCHER: Pam! Quit eating
all the goddamn cocaine!
CHARLES: Yeah,
save some for us, bitches!
ARCHER: Charles and Rudi? !
LANA: Wait, the hitmen? !
RAMON: Tranquilo, tranquilo!
It's okay!
CHARLES: Yeah,
we're like BFF's now.
ARCHER: What? !
RAMON: Well...
here's your fondue set, and...
was there only one blue fork?
ARCHER: What the hell? !
CHARLES: And how is
that tone necessary?
RUDI: Thank you.
CHARLES: It's a fork.
RAMON: And there were two
of each color and you know this
as well as me because we stood
in my kitchen and counted.
CHARLES: Well then I apologize,
and I'll be happy
to throw in another...
five dollars?
RAMON: Eighty dollars.
CHARLES: For a fork? !
RAMON: You can't buy only one
you have to buy the whole set!
CHARLES: Oh, that is such --
okay okay, ya know what?
Fine.
We'll call it one million
and eighty dollars!
RAMON: Well, there is a small
problem there.
CHARLES: What, we agreed
on fifty grand a kilo!
LANA: I think we're probably
a little closer to
nineteen and a half?
CHARLES: Okay, couple Q's,
I'd love some A's.
One, what the hell
is that thing?
ARCHER: We made a body cast
out of the coke.
RAMON: But I tested it,
it's very pure.
CHARLES: Mmkay, two,
how can you eat a pound of
cocaine and not be dead?
PAM: I've actually
never felt better!
I hope that lasts.
CHARLES: I'm sure it will,
okay here's the dilly
and the sweets.
We're gonna round that down
to nineteen kilos even,
so I'll just take back
fifty grand...
ARCHER: Way to go, Pam.
CHARLES: And since the coke's
in the shape of
a Poppin' Fresh costume,
and taintsweaty,
I'm taking off another fifty...
ARCHER: The hell you are!
CHARLES: Can I finish?
Can I finish?
Since Ramón gave his word
that you people
wouldn't bring any guns...
ARCHER: We didn't,
not even my underwear gun.
RAMON: I gave mi palabra.
CHARLES: Well that's just
terrific.
Because...
we're gonna go ahead and take
the cocaine and the money.
ARCHER: Goddammit.
LANA: And so, right about here
is the part where I hold
you responsible.
ARCHER: Oh my God the burden.
you take the fondue set
CHARLES: Can I finish? !
And I'll take the fondue set.
Because you were a total
b-hole about the fork.
It's not even real Le Creuset!
LANA: Ugh!
RAMON: Right?
Of course it is real.
the outlet store doesn't mean --
ARCHER: Ramón!
RAMON: What?
Sterling, are you angry with me?
Wait, you don't think this is
my fault? !
RAMON: Sterling, please!
This is loco!
ARCHER: No, Ramón,
getting my stolen money back
isn't loco, it's --
Wait, what's the word
for rational?
RAMON: Racional.
ARCHER: Goddammit.
LANA: What was loco
was trusting you!
RAMON: How can you say that? !
ARCHER: To Ramón, Of all people!
LANA: Look, I don't know
what kind of "history"
you two have together, but --
ARCHER: History? !
What're you trying to --
that's crazy,
we didn't even kiss!
PAM: Zip!
ARCHER: Do you even hear
how crazy you sound?
LANA: Do you? !
ARCHER: I dunno, yes, shut up.
Ramón, I'm sorry but this whole
thing is kinda your fault,
so you're taking us to
wherever Charles and Rudi
are having a money fight
with our million bucks.
RAMON: A million and eighty.
ARCHER: Alright, uno rampageeo!
Okay, Lana,
LANA: Votes we cut our
losses and go home.
While reminding you,
seemingly unnecessarily,
that she is pregnant.
ARCHER: Oh my God,
how long are you gonna use that
for an excuse?
LANA: Probably at least
through childbirth.
ARCHER: Oh, you were serious?
MALORY: Alright, I'm going home,
but --
What's her problem?
CYRIL: Scotch.
And also maybe
post-traumatic stress disorder,
from listening to --
CHERYL/CAROL: 40 miles
of mountain road...
MALORY: Carol?
KRIEGER: Yep yep yep!
MALORY: But...
how is that possible?
KRIEGER: I've got the whole
house wired up.
Bedrooms, bathrooms, bathrooms,
other bathrooms,
the swimming pool...
MALORY: I meant! Ass!
KRIEGER: Ow!
MALORY: How is she singing so...
well?
KRIEGER: Probably because
she doesn't know anyone's
watching.
You'd be amazed
what you people do
when you think you're alone.
Cyril.
Dammit Krieger, you -- ow!
MALORY: Turn it up!
CHERYL/CAROL: 40 miles
of Gerogia clay...
ARCHER: Oh my God.
This is exactly
how I pictured their house.
RAMON: Oh, wait until you see
inside, díos mio,
they just redid the kitchen.
LANA: Ahem.
ARCHER: What,
just because you have no taste.
LANA: Or patience,
so if you could hurry up
and get our money --
PAM: And cocaine and cocaine
get the cocai --
[ BLOOP. ]
PAM: Oh my God Lana, Lana,
you know what I could
totally go for right now? !
LANA: Some cocaine?
PAM: Right? !
PAM: Popety, pop pop pop, pow.
RAMON: Did I tell you?
Here, give me your gun.
Now push that button,
right there.
ARCHER: This is the
best kitchen ever!
CHARLES: Aww mercy, thank you...
Ya know, if we could go back in
time there's a few things
we'd change...
ARCHER: Goddammit...
CHARLES: But overall
we're pretty happy.
Even though it's gonna be a
bitch to scrub your brains
out of the grout.
RAMON: Charles, por favor!
You have your cocaine,
just give them their money!
CHARLES: Oh okay sure,
we've got it right here.
ARCHER: Oh! Great, yes,
and we've got about a five hour
flight home, with Pam...
PAM: Poppety pop pop, cocaine.
ARCHER: So can you
throw in a pound of coke?
CHARLES: Can I? !
I only totally insist!
ARCHER: Oh. So,
you're being facetious.
CHARLES: Extra-eemly, yes.
A, the coke is gone...
RAMON: What? !
What do you mean, gone? !
CHARLES: Not gone gone,
you-know-who has it --
ARCHER: Wh-? ! Ramón? !
Who is you-know-who? !
RAMON: I, uh --
CHARLES: You still get your cut,
'cuz you-know who says good
job on you-know-what!
ARCHER: What? !
RAMON: Por qué no te callas? !
ARCHER: Ramón!
[ GUNFIRE ]
ARCHER: Ramón!
RAMON: Sterling...
díos mio,
I'm... sorry.
LANA: Sorry baby
sorry baby sorry baby...
PAM: Lanaaa! get cocaaaaaaine!
RAMON: Oh, Sterling,
I'm s-so c-cold...
ARCHER: What, like hearted?
Ramón, what the hell,
was this all a scam, or --
RAMON: No, I swear,
is just muy complicado.
Sorry,
I cannot explain right now.
ARCHER: Oh really? !
Why, because you're --
Dying, right, sorry.
RAMON: Take the money,
God knows you've earned it.
All I ask,
is one small favor...
Before I die.
ARCHER: Yes, Ramón,
I'll do anything!
LANA: You name it kid,
savings bond, a puppy,
breastfeed you senseless...
just forgive me
for what's about to happen.
LANA: So, um, quick question...
MALORY: Why the hell
were you kissing him? !
LANA: With what appeared
to be tongue...
ARCHER: Because, I --
it was muy complicado Lana!
And the last wish
of a dying man!
LANA: Who you had a crush on.
ARCHER: I -- no, I --
go smoke some menthols!
MALORY: Alright, Sterling,
calm down.
My God, it's not as if I care.
As long --
ARCHER: As long as I brought
back the money!
Is that what you were
going to say? !
MALORY: Yes.
And I don't have time for this,
I have a country music star
to manage.
CHERYL/CAROL: Says you!
MALORY: Says your contract,
missy!
Read it!
CHERYL/CAROL: You read it!
Goddammit.
CYRIL: And, I'm sorry,
the money is where, exactly?
ARCHER: Uh, in your
masturbators, you idiot.
CYRIL: Oh, I'm the idiot?
ARCHER: I mean, historically...
CYRIL: Well I'm not the one
who sold twenty kilos of coke
for... Monopoly money!
EVERYBODY: Huh? What?
CYRIL: It's counterfeit!
Every last bill!
MALORY: Son of a...!
Sterling, you fool,
was this was all just a huge
set up!
ARCHER: For what mother,
a funeral? !
They're all dead!
LANA: Yeah, but...
are they?
LANA: We got out of there
in a hurry...
ARCHER: Ramóoooon!
LANA: Will you come on? !
ARCHER: But the gunshots...
all the blood.
LANA: Blood packs and blanks.
ARCHER: Even Ramón?
LANA: Especially Ramón.
I bet the whole thing
was his idea.
ARCHER: Aha!
You're forgetting a key
piece of the puzzle, Lana!
They'd already stolen our coke,
and they had the money!
Why go to the trouble
of a fake shootout? !
CHARLES: See what I'm saying?
RAMON: But this way,
we have twenty kilos of pure,
uncut, Colombian cocaine.
CHARLES: Holy shit, yes!
Which we had already stolen,
so we still would've had it!
Plus the counterfeit
million dollars,
which now we don't have!
RAMON: Ohhhhh...
CHARLES: Like, fifty times
I tried to explain this!
RAMON: I see now,
what you were saying.
CHARLES: Ta-daaaaa!
Jesus, it's like trying to
explain particle physics to...
a particle.
RAMON: Aha! But this way,
my way, Archer thinks
we are dead,
so he will never think to come
looking for us again!
CHARLES: It was still a stupid,
stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid,
stupid, stupid, stupid plan.
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law. Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.