>> CHERLENE: ¶ Got too much time
And nowhere to go ¶
¶ But I drink enough
to say hello ¶
¶ I'm not in love with anyone
¶ But I'm high enough
Not to give a... ¶
>> LANA: Goddamn it!
>> CHERLENE: Cut!
Okay, whoa!
Cut it, fellas!
(music stops)
>> ARCHER: Man, I am blowing
this jug.
>> CHERLENE: What the hell is
wrong with you?
>> LANA: You are what's wrong
It's 5:50 in the goddamn
morning!
>> CHERLENE: Uh, duh, it's
called the golden hour.
>> LANA: The...
>> PAM: The light takes on a
>> LANA: I know what it means,
>> CHERLENE: Then you know it's
the best time to record stuff,
so...
>> LANA: Film!
It's the best time to record
things on film!
It cannot possibly have any
effect on recording audio.
>> KRIEGER: Oh, was I supposed
to be recording that?
>> CHERLENE: Krieger!
>> PAM: Goddamn it.
(Cherlene growls)
>> CHERLENE: We're losing the
>> ARCHER: We're not losing me
blowing this jug.
>> MALORY: Are you bothering
them?
>> LANA: I am, and also,
happy Opposite Day.
>> MALORY: Is she bothering you?
>> OTHERS: Yes!
>> MALORY: Stop bothering them.
>> LANA: They're the ones...
>> MALORY: They are trying to
make a record, Lana, and there
is a finite amount of golden
hour.
>> LANA: Which, again...
>> MALORY: I know, but if
Cherlene's happy...
>> CHERLENE: Outlaw country,
woooooo!
(music playing)
>> MALORY: "Woo," exactly.
Then I am happy.
Or at least I will be, once we
start selling some records.
>> LANA: I'll be happy when I
can sleep without getting up to
pee every six minutes.
>> MALORY: Pfft, you think
you're not sleeping now?
Wait till that thing's born.
>> MALORY: So do yourself and
those bosoms of yours a favor,
and get a wet nurse.
>> LANA: That cannot still be
a thing.
>> MALORY: Preferably one who
cooks.
We had a Dominican, just lovely,
bosoms like... well, like yours,
but umpteen babies later.
My God, Sterling loved her.
She was with us nearly four
years.
Now what was her name?
I want to say Mariela?
Maricela?
Wait, or Ruby?
>> LANA: I don't...
>> MALORY: The point is, they
steal from you; it's just the
cost of doing business.
(Lana sighs)
>> LANA: Steal what?
We haven't been paid in months,
Malory; I'm pretty much broke.
>> MALORY: Join the club.
Because believe me, if I had
the money, I would get the hell
out of this... Hillbilly Hilton.
>> KRIEGER: Am I supposed to be
recording this?
>> PAM: Krieger!
>> KRIEGER: Watch it!
>> CHERLENE: Goddamn it!
>> ARCHER: Whoa!
(jug shattering)
Jug down!
>> MALORY: As difficult as that
would be.
(Archer sobs)
>> ARCHER: I'm 'a plant
a red fern for ya, jug.
Watch Movies, TV Series and Live Sports Signup Here -> WWW.ADMITME.APP
>> MALORY: Item one:
Woodhouse, scrape.
>> WOODHOUSE: Yes, mum.
(all groaning)
>> MALORY: And gripe all you
want, but no one is eating Eggs
Woodhouse until you people start
bringing in some money!
>> ARCHER: But they were already
cooked; what good does it do
to throw them away?
>> MALORY: None.
That's the whole point.
And no cocaine donuts for you!
>> PAM (muffled): Aw, come on!
I got to load up my body before
Krieger sells it all!
>> ARCHER: Before what?
>> CHERLENE: What?
>> PAM: Krieger's selling the
cocaine online.
>> MALORY: Are you insane?
>> KRIEGER: Yeah, if it's insane
to use an X-gen asymmetric onion
router and digital
cryptocurrency to sell your
cocaine anonymously and
completely risk-free.
Ah...
Or a lot of the other shit I do.
>> MALORY: But... so do people
e-mail you, or...?
>> KRIEGER: No.
It's like shopping online, only
for cocaine.
I've already sold, uh...
Wow, almost 800 grand worth.
>> MALORY: Really?
But how do we get paid?
>> KRIEGER: With a totally
untraceable digital currency
that we can exchange for real
U.S. dollars whenever we want.
I call 'em Kriegerrands.
>> MALORY: And then how do they
get the cocaine?
>> KRIEGER: We pack it up and
ship it, easy peasy.
At least in theory!
(speaking Japanese)
>> MALORY: Oh, for...
I'll send up some help.
And, missy, you had better watch
it.
(noisy chewing)
>> ARCHER (mouth full): Jesus,
these taste like calluses.
>> PAM: Ew.
>> CYRIL: Gross.
>> RAY: That's so accurate.
>> ARCHER: Lana.
Lana.
La...
>> CHERLENE: What's up her
gigantic giant ass?
>> RAY: Wh...
Probably you shitheads!
>> OTHERS: What did we do?
>> RAY: Besides keeping
everybody up all night with your
damn hootenannies...
>> ARCHER: Wait, that was a
hootenanny?
>> RAY: ...has anybody even
thought about throwing her a
goddamn baby shower?!
>> CHERLENE: Ew!
>> PAM: Um...
>> CYRIL: Pfft, you mean a
bastard sh... Ow!
>> ARCHER: Cyril, shut your
pout-hole, accept the fact that
Lana was so far out of your
league that impregnating her
would've basically been
interspecies breeding, and get
on with your life!
And then go get a cake.
Okay, Ray...
>> MALORY: Ray, Cyril, go help
Krieger pack the cocaine.
Cherlene, go pick or grin or
something, and the rest of
you...
>> ARCHER: We're throwing Lana
a baby shower.
>> MALORY: Wh...?
We haven't done that yet?
I said move, people!
Go, go, go, go, go!
(Ray bleats)
Idiots.
All right, I need them here
making music and packaging
cocaine, so this baby shower is
up to you.
Don't cock it up like you did
Texas!
>> PAM: Hey!
>> MALORY: Oh, blow it out
your ass!
(Pam farts)
(Archer laughs)
>> ARCHER: I was hoping you'd
do that.
Okay, we should make a list.
Item one: some paper to write
said list on.
(gasps)
Item two... Woodhouse!
Get in here!
>> WOODHOUSE: Sir?
>> ARCHER: Here, here's...
400 bucks; go get all the stuff
for a baby shower: cake,
decorations, some of those water
guns shaped like dicks...
>> PAM: I think that's
bachelorette parties.
>> ARCHER: Really?
Wow, okay, that explains...
Uh, never mind.
And, Woodhouse,
if you spend any of this on
heroin, you better buy enough to
O.D. on, bec...
>> WOODHOUSE: Will do!
>> ARCHER: Will don't!
>> PAM: Wait, so if Woodhouse is
getting everything we need for
the party, then...
>> ARCHER: Oh, not everything,
Pam.
Because... you and I are going
to get Kenny Loggins to play
Lana's baby shower.
>> PAM: Goddamn it.
>> ARCHER: Pam.
Pam.
(inhales)
>> PAM: What?!
>> ARCHER: ¶ Danger zone.
Wait, wait, wait, no.
¶ This is it.
>> KRIEGER: Yeah, you guys box
it up, I slap on a mailing label
from the printer, bing bang
boom, it's good to go zoom.
>> CYRIL: So, why are we in
our underwear?
>> KRIEGER: Eh, don't worry
about it.
>> PAM: Because it kind of seems
like this is about you and not
really about Lana.
>> ARCHER: Okay, A, Lana loves
Kenny Loggins.
>> PAM: Really?
>> ARCHER: I don't know.
I mean, I assume she does.
I do.
>> GUARD: Whoa, whoa, where you
think you're going?
>> ARCHER: Uh, well, to give Mr.
Loggins his wardrobe.
>> GUARD: Not without a pass
you're not.
>> ARCHER: Yeah, we...
>> PAM: Hey, I appreciate you're
just doing your job, but if
Kenny doesn't get this
embroidered hippie shirt and
these gigantic bell-bottoms, I
highly doubt you'll have a job
tomorrow.
>> GUARD: Look, he ain't even
here.
He's probably still at the
Tuntmore.
>> PAM: Now, was that so hard...
neck nuts?
>> ARCHER: Good instincts back
there, Pam.
That's what we field agents
call... Hmm.
Guess I'm not a field agent
anymore though.
(Pam laughs)
>> PAM: Man, you got to miss it.
What a rush!
>> ARCHER: Yeah, I miss it, but
calm down.
Jesus, it's not like you killed
a guy.
Taxi!
(car door closes)
Okay, so phase two may call for
some field craft.
A, there's no way a superstar
like Kenny Loggins is gonna be
registered under his own name.
>> PAM (laughs): Yeah.
It's not like he's Messina.
>> ARCHER: Don't do that.
Don't ever do that!
>> PAM: Sorry! Geez!
>> ARCHER: You should be.
Jim Messina is a genius, and
without him, no Poco.
Where was I?
Oh, yeah, we'll probably need to
access the computer terminal at
reception, so just follow my
lead.
>> PAM: Could I just follow
Kenny Loggins?
>> ARCHER: Wha...?
>> KENNY LOGGINS: Well, maybe
because it's in the rider,
which I'll be happy to come down
there and shove up his ass.
>> ARCHER: Uh, excuse me, Mr.
Loggins?
Hi, I'm, uh...
>> KENNY LOGGINS: Uh-huh,
uh-huh, uh-huh.
>> ARCHER: What the shit,
Loggins?!
>> KENNY LOGGINS: Ricky, bad
touch!
>> RICKY: Hands off Mr. Loggins!
>> ARCHER: Hands off me, Lurch.
Look at my suit.
>> KENNY LOGGINS: Zap, Ricky,
zap!
>> ARCHER: Hey... Aah!
(Pam screams)
>> KENNY LOGGINS: Uh, hang on.
Hit him again.
>> PAM: Wait! No, no, no, no!
>> ARCHER: What?! I...
(grunting gibberish)
>> KENNY LOGGINS: What's that?
No, no, never mind.
It's just a fan.
(Archer groans)
>> PAM: Holy shit zaps!
Are you okay?
(Archer coughs)
>> ARCHER: Yeah, and I don't
know about you, but I'm gonna be
pretty upset if I end up having
to murder Kenny Loggins.
>> PAM: Meh.
>> ARCHER: Yeah, that's fair!
Kick out the guy whose custom
Super 220 wool suit was ruined
by Kenny Loggins!
And where were you during all
that?
>> PAM: Oh, man, I was like,
"What?!"
So, what's up? What's the plan?
>> ARCHER: (sighs) The plan is
shut up and come on.
>> GILLETTE: No, we have to play
games at the baby shower.
There's Don't Drop the Baby, uh,
Dirty Diaper Game...
>> CYRIL: What in God's name is
the Dirty Diaper Game?
>> GILLETTE: Oh, my God, it's
hilarious.
You get a bunch of newborn
diapers, then you microwave
different candy bars...
>> CYRIL: Stop! Yeah, let me
just stop you there, because if
you finish that sentence, I'm
going to rub cocaine in your
eyes until you are blind.
>> GILLETTE: Goddamn, Shawshank.
>> LANA: Uh, Malory?
(Malory screams)
>> LANA: What?!
>> MALORY: What... do you want?
Jesus.
>> LANA: I, um...
Okay, so, as you know, or should
know, I'm pregnant and...
>> MALORY: (sighs) Lana, it's
too late to...
>> LANA: Okay, let me stop you.
Having the baby-- don't know why
that's such a mindbender for
everybody, but...
>> MALORY (chuckling): Well...
>> LANA: But... Hush. I have a
lot of pretty major expenses
coming up, and since we haven't
been paid...
(sighs) Look, I hate to ask, but
I need...
>> MALORY: WIC!
>> LANA: What?
>> MALORY: It's like welfare but
for babies.
I don't know-- I'm not a
Democrat.
But I think they give you a
birth cheese.
(lock clicks)
>> LANA: A birth cheese.
>> MALORY: Oh, for...
Nothing's ever good enough.
>> WOODHOUSE: Sorry.
I only had $200.
>> MALORY: Not you.
Really? $200?
>> ARCHER: Okay, there's $200
for the uniforms, $100 for the
sweet wigs and another $300 for
Kenny Loggins' room number.
>> HOUSEKEEPER: Mm-hmm.
>> PAM: So, I'm curious-- why
didn't you just call Cherlene,
who owns the hotel?
>> ARCHER: (sighs) And I'm
curious-- why didn't you remind
me about that until just now?
>> PAM: You said shut up,
J. Alfred Gotrocks.
>> ARCHER: What?
>> PAM: We haven't been paid in
forever.
Where are you getting all this
money?
>> ARCHER: I, uh...
sold some artwork?
>> CHERLENE: Goddamn it!
What did I tell you about
staying up on the wall, ghosts?!
>> ARCHER: Okay, since I am or
was a world-class secret agent,
when we get up to his room, do
actually follow my lead or...
>> PAM: Hang on, let me grab a
name tag.
>> ARCHER: (gasps) Ruby! Ruby!
Is there a Ruby?
See if there's a Ruby.
Is there a Ruby?!
>> PAM: It's pretty close to
Ruby.
>> ARCHER: No, Pam, it isn't.
>> PAM: Well, why do...
>> ARCHER: Don't worry about it.
Let it go.
And give me one of those mints.
>> PAM: Dude, they're cocaine.
>> ARCHER: (sighs) Of course
they are.
>> PAM: (laughs) Right?
>> ARCHER: All right, here's the
penthouse.
Now, I cannot stress this
enough, Pam: follow my lead.
>> PAM: Okay.
>> ARCHER: Room ser...
>> PAM: Housekeeping!
>> ARCHER: (clears throat) What
did I just...
>> PAM: Prostitute!
(gasps, grunts)
>> RICKY: What the hell is your
problem?
>> PAM: Besides my face hurts?
>> KENNY LOGGINS: Why do I pay
you 20 grand a month?
I don't want to read about Kenny
Loggins; I want to read about
K-Log.
(sighs) Jesus, don't ever get a
publicist.
>> ARCHER: Well, as a lowly room
service waiter, I probably
won't, but...
Wow. Okay, uh...
>> KENNY LOGGINS: K-Log didn't
order room service.
>> ARCHER: Sure, you did.
>> KENNY LOGGINS: No, I didn't.
(crash, glass shatters)
(Pam grunting)
>> ARCHER: A housekeeper and/or
prostitute?
>> KENNY LOGGINS: You think
K-Log needs to pay for sex, do
you?
>> ARCHER: Mm... no, but, that
being said, I do think he needs
to reevaluate this whole K-Log
thing.
>> KENNY LOGGINS: Oh, yeah?
Well, I think you need to
reevaluate your face.
>> ARCHER: My... Oh.
(chuckles) Okay.
I can explain that.
>> KENNY LOGGINS: How?
>> ARCHER: Uh... lip chemo?
>> RICKY: It's the crazy guy
from the lobby.
Which means you're no
prostitute.
>> PAM: And, that being said, I
am open to blow jobs for money.
I only got eight bucks on me,
but...
>> ARCHER: Pam!
Self-esteem, buddy. Come on.
Now, let's just put the gun down
and...
>> RICKY: Mr. Loggins, please
advise.
>> KENNY LOGGINS: K-Log.
K-Log, damn it.
>> RICKY: Yeah, I'm kind of with
him on that one.
>> KENNY LOGGINS: Oh, really?
So you agree with Borgnar's
pathetic little errand boy?
>> ARCHER: Wait, what?
And also who?
>> KENNY LOGGINS: Well, I'll
tell you the same thing I told
Borgnar that night in Caracas.
It's not for sale.
At any price.
>> ARCHER: Who the hell is
Bor... (grunts)
(gunshot, glass shatters)
(Pam shouts)
(Ricky screams)
(gunshots)
>> KENNY LOGGINS: Hi-yah!
(Archer grunts)
Ricky, attack!
>> PAM (chuckling): Yeah, Ricky.
(Ricky and Pam grunting)
(Ricky screams)
>> ARCHER: Okay. Okay, good.
Pam, are you good?
>> PAM (chuckling): Oh, yeah.
(Ricky and Pam roaring)
(Ricky and Pam grunting)
>> ARCHER: Yeah, good, okay.
'Cause this time, I may actually
murder Kenny Loggins.
>> PAM: Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait!
>> ARCHER: What, Pam?!
>> PAM: First see if he wants
a beej.
(crashing, fighting)
>> ARCHER: Loggins! Loggins!
Now, look, before either of us
does something we'll both
regret, let's...
(gunshots)
Okay, that's just unacceptable.
Pam, I'm going in!
>> PAM: Okay!
(both grunting)
(Archer grunts)
(sniffing)
(coughs)
>> ARCHER: Oh, wow, he really
likes the Paco Rabanne.
(gasps)
>> KENNY LOGGINS: Tell Borgnar
I'll see him in hell!
>> ARCHER: Um, what the shit,
Loggins?!
(Kenny Loggins chuckles)
Wonder if it's too late
to get Messina.
Holy shit.
What kind of colossal idiot
would build a pool like that?
>> CHERLENE: I just want to go
on record as saying
that a glass swimming pool on
the penthouse balcony is,
without a doubt,
the absolute worst idea that
I have ever heard in my entire
goddamn life.
But you're the men, so...
>> ARCHER: (chuckles) But can
you imagine banging in
that thing?
Why, yes, Archer, yes, I can.
>> KENNY LOGGINS: Drop it!
(gun cocks)
Drop it on the ground.
>> ARCHER: Do you know how bad
that is for it?
I will place it on the ground,
but...
>> KENNY LOGGINS: You think
K-Log won't shoot, punk?
>> ARCHER: No, I think K-Log is
out of bullets.
>> KENNY LOGGINS: What?
(gun clicks)
How did you...
>> ARCHER: It's just a thing
I do.
Now what the hell is in that
briefcase?
>> KENNY LOGGINS: As if you
don't know.
>> ARCHER: I honestly don't.
>> KENNY LOGGINS: Liar.
>> ARCHER: (chuckles) Look, I
put my weapon down, I'm not a
threat; how would I know what's
in...?
>> RICKY: Aah!
(Pam growling)
(Kenny Loggins grunts)
>> ARCHER: Pam, no, no, no, no,
no, don't, no, don't...
(gunshot)
>> KENNY LOGGINS: Shit.
>> ARCHER: Ooh, okay.
So one of...
(glass cracks)
One fairly predictable thing is
gonna happen now, so...
>> KENNY LOGGINS: Aah!
>> PAM and RICKY: Aah!
>> ARCHER: Loggins!
(Loggins grunts)
>> ARCHER: Ooh.
>> KENNY LOGGINS: (coughs) You
saved me.
But why?
>> ARCHER: What do you mean why?
(coughs)
I wanted you to play a baby
shower. (coughs)
>> KENNY LOGGINS: Wait, what?
>> ARCHER: The Dirty Diaper
game?
Water guns shaped like dicks?
A baby shower.
>> KENNY LOGGINS: Oh.
So, Borgnar? The briefcase?
>> ARCHER: I don't know anyone
named Borgnar.
And I don't want your crazy
briefcase.
What the hell is even in that
thing?
>> KENNY LOGGINS: Don't worry
about it.
Just let it go.
>> ARCHER: I should let you go.
>> KENNY LOGGINS: Look, I'm...
you know...
>> ARCHER: Sorry?
>> KENNY LOGGINS: Mm, more just
embarrassed.
Is there some way I can make
this all up to you?
>> PAM: A beej!
>> ARCHER: Pam!
And no, Kenny Loggins, there's
no way to make up for almost
killing me over a briefcase
full of what I can only assume
is either plutonium or a human
soul.
(coughs) Although, that being
said...
>> CHERLENE: It's in D minor; do
you know what that is?
Or even what chords are?
>> KENNY LOGGINS: (sighs) Yes.
>> CHERLENE: Wow, snotty.
Okay, fine, so during the boring
parts, just scream "outlaw
country."
>> KENNY LOGGINS: Yeah,
absolutely not.
>> CHERLENE: ¶ Revvin' up your
engine, listen to her howlin'
roar... ¶
(Lana squeals)
Ugh!
>> ALL: Happy baby shower!
(cork pops)
>> LANA: Oh, my God, you guys.
>> KRIEGER: Me first, here!
It's a breast pump.
Go ahead and use it now if you
want.
>> LANA: I do not want, Krieger,
but thank you.
Aw, and thank you, Pam.
>> PAM: It's cocaine!
>> LANA: Oh, of course it is.
And also, what the hell
happened to you?
>> PAM: This big bastard.
>> LANA: What big...?
Whoa.
>> RICKY: Uh, hi.
Um, this is a car seat.
>> GILLETTE: Wha...
Goddamn it!
This whole stupid baby shower
was my idea! (sobbing)
>> CHERLENE/LOGGINS: ¶ Highway
to the danger zone
>> KENNY LOGGINS: ¶ I'll take
you right into the danger
zone... ¶
>> CYRIL: Here.
>> LANA: Oh, wow, a check.
For $80.
>> CYRIL: Please take me back.
>> LANA: Aw, Cyril.
Who's next?
>> MALORY: Well, I suppose me.
And all of this.
It's a layette.
Onesies, binkies,
itty bitty booties, blah blah
blah.
From baby Bergdorf's.
>> LANA: Oh, my God, it must've
been a fortune.
>> MALORY: Well, I can afford
it.
Apparently, Krieger's online
pharmacy is going gangbusters,
so...
>> WOODHOUSE: Pardon me, mum.
This was delivered for
Dr. Krieger.
>> KRIEGER: What...?
Not now, you shriveled...
>> MALORY: Wait a minute.
That's the cocaine.
So this whole thing was just a
sham?
>> KRIEGER: Well, only if by
"sham" you mean "sham."
>> MALORY: (growls) Krieger!
>> KRIEGER: Aah! But you were
temporarily so happy!
>> CYRIL: Krieger, get back
here!
>> PAM: Yay!
>> KENNY LOGGINS: ¶ You'll never
say hello to you until you get
it on red line overload ¶
>> CHERLENE: ¶ You'll never know
what you can do until you get it
up as high as you can ¶
>> CHERLENE/LOGGINS: ¶ Go...
>> LANA: Wow.
This baby shower actually went
a lot better than I would've
imagined.
>> ARCHER: Right?
>> LANA: And what happened to
you?
>> ARCHER: Your present, Lana,
is what happened.
>> LANA: And it's...
where, exactly?
>> ARCHER: What, are you...
are you kidding?
It's...
>> WOODHOUSE: Right here, miss.
(Lana gasps)
>> ARCHER: Wha...
That's my crib!
Uh, which I want you to have for
the baby.
>> LANA: (gasps) Archer.
>> ARCHER: Because you're
important to me, so I made
Woodhouse get it from Mother's
storage unit, because I own him.
>> LANA: Archer. (sniffles)
Archer, that is the sweetest
thing anybody has ever given me,
ever.
>> ARCHER: Well, yeah.
But, I mean, the big present,
obviously, is, uh...
"Danger Zone."
>> LANA: "Danger Zone."
>> ARCHER: The...
Lana, the song.
>> CHERLENE/LOGGINS: ¶ Highway
to the danger zone
Right into the danger zone...
Ooh... ¶
>> LANA: Oh.
Oh, okay.
>> ARCHER: "Danger Zone," Lana.
You know, how I'm always saying
"danger zone"?
>> LANA: Uh, kinda?
Yes?
>> ARCHER: Well...
>> LANA: It's from a song?
>> ARCHER: Yes, it's from a
song!
Recorded by Grammy winner and
possible Faustian bargain-maker
Kenny goddamn Loggins!
>> LANA: (chuckles) Okay, calm
down.
So who's Beard Guy?
>> ARCHER: (scoffs) Are you...?
That's Kenny Loggins!
>> LANA: (gasps)
From Kenny Loggins Roasters?
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
>> CHERLENE/LOGGINS: ¶ Gonna
take you right into the danger
¶ zone
Highway to the danger zone
¶ Right into the danger zone
Highway to the danger zone
Right into the danger zone. ¶
>> MAN: Made... in Georgia.
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law. Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.