(fierce whistling)
(explosion)
>> CHERLENE: Woooo!
Outlaw country!
Outlaw co...
(gags)
>> LANA: Stop it.
>> CHERLENE (hoarse): Make me.
(whistling, explosion)
>> MALORY: Lana.
Are you crazy?
>> LANA: No, she is.
See?
>> MALORY: Let go of her throat,
She-Hulk, those pipes just sold
a million records.
>> CALDERÓN: Which is amazing,
can you believe it is so
amazing?
Everyone, toast.
(explosion)
>> MALORY AND LANA: Whoa!
>> COMANDANTE: Presidente, this
is no time for toast.
>> CALDERÓN: Wha... No, not
"toast," a toast.
A toast.
>> COMANDANTE: It is even less
the time for that.
>> MALORY: Calm down, Colonel
Panic.
Listen-- the shelling has
stopped.
(Pam grunts loudly)
(dishes break)
>> RAY: Damn it, Pam.
>> CALDERÓN: Why the hell did
you do that?
>> PAM: So we can scrooch down
behind it.
>> MALORY: The shelling...
has stopped.
>> PAM: Oh, did you just say
that?
>> LANA: Goddamn it.
Is everybody okay?
>> MALORY: Yes.
>> CHERLENE: Yeah, I guess.
>> CYRIL (laughing): I don't know.
where is my wife?
>> MALORY: And where is
Sterling?
>> ARCHER (muffled): What's
that?
I mean, yes, what?
What are we doing?
>> MALORY: What are you doing?
>> CALDERÓN: Why were you in the
butler's pantry?
>> ARCHER: I-I was, uh, I was
hiding because I was scared.
>> CHERLENE: Yeah, right.
>> LANA: Really.
>> ARCHER: Well, fairly.
But I-I mean, I found a paper
bag in there, and I did some
deep, uh...
>> LANA: Breathing?
>> ARCHER: Also, yes, so, hey,
what's the plan?
>> CALDERÓN: We must
counterattack.
>> COMANDANTE: But, sir, I don't
have enough troops.
>> CALDERÓN: Oh, my God, always
with the excuses.
>> COMANDANTE: Sir, you have an
entire battalion sitting idle
at the airport, so...
>> CALDERÓN: No, they are not
sitting idle, they are...
>> COMANDANTE: Unloading the one
million record albums you
bought from this gringa.
>> ARCHER: What?
>> CHERLENE: Wait, what?
>> CALDERÓN (soft laugh):
Surprise.
>> JULIANA: Wait, what?
>> LANA: Non-surprise.
>> ARCHER: Can you not?
>> LANA: Can you not?
>> CHERLENE: I thought people liked me.
>> JULIANA: I thought we were broke
>> CHERLENE AND JULIANA: Do you
have any idea how humiliating
this is?
>> PAM: Jinx.
(Cherlene sobs)
Inappropes.
>> CALDERÓN: Cherlene, wait.
>> JULIANA (gasps): Well, now
it's your turn to be humiliated,
Gustavo.
Because for your information,
I just had...
(gunshot)
>> LANA: Cyril?
(Cyril grunts, exhales)
>> ARCHER: Oh.
My God.
The gun went off for, like, no
reason.
Surprise.
Watch Movies, TV Series and Live Sports Signup Here -> WWW.ADMITME.APP
(glass shatters)
>> JULIANA: $10 million.
On... on cowboy music?
>> CALDERÓN: Eee!
Cowboy music?
>> COMANDANTE: Presidente,
please, permission to redeploy
the troops at the airport.
>> CALDERÓN: Ay, aah!
Jesus Christ, fine.
Whatever you want.
>> COMANDANTE: Bravo Two, this
is Bravo Actual.
Redeploy your troops to sector
four.
>> JULIANA: Well, I am
redeploying to my rooms.
>> CALDERÓN: Well, I am
redeploying to my rooms.
>> MALORY: My God, why was she
so upset?
>> ARCHER: Well, I think any
time a spouse makes a major
purchase without discussing it
first...
>> MALORY: I meant Cherlene, you
pea-wit.
Why does she care?
Most singers would kill to have
a record go platinum.
(Lana clears throat)
>> LANA: Speaking of killing
people.
>> ARCHER: Oh, my God, okay,
first of all, he...
Actually, yeah, Pam, let's hear
some Bee Gees.
(Pam breathes deeply)
>> CYRIL (high-pitched): Ha, ha,
ha, ha.
>> PAM: Stayin' alive.
(laughing): Holy shit, that
works.
>> CYRIL: Agh.
>> ARCHER: Yeah, so does Kevlar.
>> LANA: Wait, so does what?
>> PAM: What, did you just want
mouth-to-mouth?
>> CYRIL: I can explain.
>> LANA: What is this,
Meatballs?
You little...
>> ARCHER: Racist.
What?
Cyril, you wear Kevlar every
single time we go to Latin
America.
>> CYRIL: Because every time you
shoot me.
>> ARCHER: Whoa, whoa, whoa, not
every time.
Mm, like, three out of four,
tops.
You big baby.
>> LANA: Also speaking of...
>> MALORY: Ugh, here it comes.
>> LANA: No, actually, here it goes.
I'm leaving.
Ray, airport, let's go.
>> ARCHER: Have you lost your mind?
>> RAY: Seriously, I am not your servant.
Ow, quit-quit...
Ow, ow, goddamn it!
>> ARCHER: Not that.
Lana, in case you haven't
noticed, this place is crawling
with rebels.
>> PAM: And not the good kind
you get drunk with at Myrtle
Beach and cruise the strip in
the bed of their monster truck
with a big rebel flag on it,
flinging empty longnecks at
people.
>> LANA: Yeah, those aren't
actually the good kind, either.
>> PAM: Now who's racist?
>> ARCHER: Those guys, Pam,
those exact same guys you just
described.
>> PAM: Oh.
Well now I feel like an asshole.
>> MALORY: When do you not?
>> PAM: Almost always.
I really like me.
>> MALORY: Baffling.
As is leaving before Calderón
pays us for that shipment of
weapons, so...
>> LANA (scoffs): When was that
supposed to happen?
After a lovely dinner with him
and his freshly-banged first
lady?
>> MALORY: His...
What are you talking about?
>> LANA: I'm talking about
Archer, who just...
(gunshot)
>> ARCHER: Oops.
>> MALORY: Give me that.
>> ARCHER: Mother, be careful,
that crazy thing's got a mind
of its own.
>> MALORY: And it's not the only
thing.
Why can't you keep it in your
pants?
>> ARCHER: Oof.
(coughs): Oh, Mother.
(Cyril cackles)
>> ARCHER: It's not funny, I
actually use mine.
>> LANA: Yes, always.
God, you're...
What happened to no more
anonymous sex?
>> ARCHER: I... we had already
met.
>> LANA: Not the first time.
>> ARCHER: The first time I
thought she was the maid.
>> MALORY: Why would you have
sex with a maid?
>> ARCHER: That doesn't merit a
response, Mother, and the second
time she blackmailed me.
>> MALORY: How did she blackmail
you?
>> ARCHER: By threatening to
tell Calderón about the first
time.
>> MALORY: That's the honeypot.
How could you fall for that?
It's Espionage 101.
>> ARCHER: I know, it's pretty
ironic.
But, also, I always fall for it.
>> MALORY: And now what's to
stop her from telling him about
the second time?
>> ARCHER: Hmm.
Nothing, (chuckles) she's crazy.
Ow, ow, Lana, quit it, ow.
Ow, goddamn it.
>> LANA: Asshole.
>> CYRIL: We're dead.
You've killed us.
>> ARCHER: Me?
I didn't have a follow-up...
to that.
>> MALORY: Oh, all right, Lana,
you win.
>> PAM: Yay!
>> LANA: Win what?
>> MALORY: We're leaving right now.
Ray?
>> MALORY: Damn it, man, forget
your kimonos.
>> RAY: Oh, like I brought a huge stack.
>> CYRIL: Five's a pretty big
stack.
>> MALORY: Cyril, shut up and go
find a vehicle.
Ray, find Cherlene.
No matter what happens, we can't
leave without her.
>> LANA: She said, suddenly
oddly maternal.
>> ARCHER: Right?
>> MALORY: She has to endorse
the royalty checks.
>> LANA (English accent): And
the penny drops.
>> MALORY: You shut up, and the
rest of you shut up and grab
anything valuable.
Ooh, like that ridiculous white
painting.
>> PAM: Wait, what about
Krieger?
>> MALORY: Oh, for...
Who cares about Krieger?
>> RAY: Yeah.
>> CYRIL: That's true.
>> PAM: Plus, I bet the vampires
got him.
(Krieger whimpers)
(sobbing)
>> CLONE: So... now will you
join us... brother?
>> KRIEGER (sobbing): Yes...
(sobbing)
>> CLONES: Clone bone!
>> KRIEGER: My God, I have so
many questions.
Are you clones of me?
Am I a clone of you?
Did you all grow up together...
in an actual house with an
actual mom and dad?
And was I ever there?
>> CLONE: No.
>> CLONE 2: To all of it.
>> KRIEGER: You sure?
Because I have this very clear
memory of me as a child, and
it's snowing, and there's a
creepy old man trying to take me
away, and then I knock him down
with a sled?
>> CLONE 3: That's Citizen Kane.
>> KRIEGER: Oh.
Wait. No, not a sled.
A pneumatic bolt-gun.
>> CLONE 3: Now that does sound
vaguely familiar.
>> KRIEGER: Right?
>> CLONE 2: Wait. No.
I remember blood on snow.
>> KRIEGER: Right?!
>> CLONE 1: No! That was
something else!
He was never with us as a
child!
>> CLONE 2: Well, the important
thing is that you're with us
now.
>> CLONE 3: Especially since
your friends...
>> KRIEGER: "Friends." Please.
Can you believe those jerks?
After all these years?
Kicking me to the curb like,
like...
>> CLONE 1: A child.
>> CLONE 2: A frog!
>> CLONE 3: Frog-child!
(load croaking)
>> CLONES: No!
>> KRIEGER Is... is that what
I think it is?
>> CLONES: No.
>> KRIEGER: Well, let me finish,
because I think it's some kind
of unholy, adolescent
human-amphibian hybrid creature.
>> CLONE 2: Oh.
Then, yes.
>> KRIEGER: I'm home.
I'm finally home.
>> CLONE 1: Just in time for
our moment of triumph.
>> KRIEGER: Well, if there's one
thing I love, it's triumph!
What is it?!
>> CLONE 2: All will be
revealed... in time.
>> KRIEGER: And if there's one
thing I love more than triumph,
it's annoying vagueness.
>> CYRIL (as Malory): Cyril,
shut up and find a vehicle!
Meh, heh, heh.
I'm a hateful shrew!
And this is my idiot son,
Archer.
He's going to screw the
dictator's wife and then shoot
you in the chest!
(as himself): Oh, makes me so
mad!
One of these days, I swear to...
Jesus H. Chrysler!
(clacking)
Well, one thing's for sure.
If I had it to do over, I'd be a
dictator.
>> CALDERÓN: What?!
My God, come on.
How can you even say that?
>> CHERLENE: Because that's what
you are!
>> CALDERÓN: Cherlene, I-I...
I'm not a dictator!
I'm a president, like your Jorge
Washington!
>> CHERLENE: Jorge Washington--
which, apparently, I've been
mispronouncing wrong this whole
time-- wasn't president for
life!
>> CALDERÓN: Uh, but he could
have been if he wanted.
Look, the 22nd
amendment to your constitution
imposed the presidential term
limits, but it wasn't passed by
your congress until 1947, and
not ratified by the requisite
number of American states until
1951, so...
>> CHERLENE: Who are you-- Dave
Frishberg?!
>> CALDERÓN: Yeah, I don't know
who that is.
>> CHERLENE: Of course you
don't, because you don't live
in a free country, where the
world's largest manufacturers of
sugary cereals are allowed to
sponsor interstitial animated
programming unapologetically
targeted at children!
>> CALDERÓN: No. I-I live in a
very poor country.
>> CHERLENE: Ugh!
>> CALDERÓN: No, no. I... Look,
I know, but go outside the
palace walls, and trust me,
Cherlene, listen, it is crazy
poor.
>> CHERLENE: Yeah, that was
my whole...
>> CALDERÓN: And so, I wanted to
distribute your records among--
and I hate to say this-- but our
filthy peasants, so as to
brighten their lives with your
music.
>> CHERLENE: Oh.
Well, now I feel like a...
Wait. Do they even have record
players?
>> CALDERÓN: Well, no, obviously
not, but...
>> CHERLENE: So how would they
even use records?!
>> CALDERÓN: As plates?
>> LANA: What, in the name of
all that is stupid, do you think
you're doing?
(Archer sighs)
>> ARCHER: You tell me, crazy
pregnant hormone lady.
What's it look like I'm doing?!
B-But before you answer, please
don't say "literally being
emasculated," because I looked
that up, and... ick.
>> LANA: Hold it up.
>> ARCHER: Lana, come on.
You and Mother smashed my balls
pretty good.
Kudos. They're swollen.
But I-I don't need a cut man!
>> LANA: The painting...
you idiot.
>> ARCHER: Oh.
Thought you meant my genitals.
But, look, I know you're jealous
I had sex with Juliana, almost
twice, but don't slash the
painting.
It's...
(high-pitched voice): Priceless.
>> LANA: But worthless... if you
damage it.
But even though it's very
delicate, it can withstand a
surprising amount of shit.
>> ARCHER: Wait. Is this an
extremely ill-phrased analogy
about my penis?
>> LANA: Yes, Archer, it is,
because everything, everywhere,
every when, is about the paragon
of adequacy that is your dick.
>> ARCHER: "Adequacy" as in
"mind-blowingness"?
Or "adequacy" as in "Hey,
stupid, you just destroyed
$40 million"?!
>> LANA: As in neither, you
dummy.
This is how you steal a
painting.
Did you never see The Thomas
Crown Affair?
>> ARCHER: Uh, no, not a huge
Steve McQueen fan.
(Lana laughs)
>> LANA: Oh, my God, are you...?
Archer, you used to moan about
him in your sleep!
>> ARCHER: I-I...
No, I didn't.
>> CYRIL: Come on, you can do
this.
Just pick a stupid car.
But the perfect car, so that for
once in her life, Ms. Archer
can't bitch.
And we'll be driving through a
war zone, so it needs to be
fast, although I guess
reliability is more important
than speed.
Well, up to a point.
Although bulletproof glass
wouldn't be bad.
I... Damn it, Figgis!
You're overthinking this!
Oh.
Now that is a vehicle.
Hmm.
Let's see Ms. Archer bitch about
that.
>> MALORY: You idiot!
I gave you one simple job,
and...
>> RAY: I looked in her room!
>> MALORY: And?!
>> RAY: And she wasn't in it?
(thudding, grunting)
>> MALORY: Pam, if you want to
scuff them that badly, just
throw them down the...
(Pam grunts, thudding)
(Malory sighs heavily)
>> PAM: What, were you not gonna
say stairs?
>> ARCHER: Hang on, hang on!
Wait, wait, wait. Damn it!
I have something for this.
It's um, uh...
>> MALORY: Well, I just assume
it was about that ad with the
suitcase and the gorilla.
>> PAM: Ouch.
>> LANA: Which, turns out, was
actually a man in a gorilla
costume.
>> MALORY: Making the comparison
even more accurate.
>> CALDERÓN: Ow!
>> PAM: Seriously.
>> CHERLENE: Let go of me!
>> RAY: There, I found her.
>> CALDERÓN: Cherlene, please!
>> CHERLENE: No, I said!
>> CALDERÓN: B-But, Cherlene,
listen, I love you!
I-I will divorce my wife.
(Juliana gasps)
>> JULIANA: You what?!
>> CALDERÓN: Oh, don't act so
surprised, Juliana!
It's not like we're in love
anymore!
>> JULIANA: Anymore?!
We were never in love!
>> ARCHER: And suddenly I don't
feel so bad.
>> LANA: You did before?
>> ARCHER Oh, my God, you have
no idea.
It's like this ache in the pit
of your stomach.
>> LANA: Are you talking about
your balls?
>> ARCHER: Yeah, but it's
wearing off now.
>> JULIANA: And I will tell you
the same thing I told your
father!
I will never give you a divorce!
>> CALDERÓN: Tell that to the
Chief Justice of the Supreme
Court.
Oh, wait, you just did!
>> CHERLENE: Wait.
You can't be both!
>> CALDERÓN: Your William Howard
Taft was.
>> CHERLENE: Not at the same
time!
>> CALDERÓN: He absolutely was.
>> CHERLENE: Is that true?
>> LANA: Oh, I don't want to...
>> RAY: I want to say church and
state?
>> ARCHER: Wow. We get home,
first thing, we are
binge-watching Schoolhouse Rock.
>> JULIANA: You can binge-watch
it in hell!
(others gasp)
>> ARCHER: Well, if anything,
that's heaven.
>> JULIANA: And you can die
knowing that the last man inside
of me was Archer.
>> CALDERÓN: What?
(others chatter)
>> ARCHER: Oh, uh, yeah, so
about that...
>> CALDERÓN: Well, I hope it was
worth dying for.
>> ARCHER: Honestly?
>> JULIANA: Right?
>> ARCHER: I... Well, no, but
the first time...
>> JULIANA: Honestly?
>> ARCHER: No, the first time.
>> CALDERÓN: Good-bye, Mr.
Archer.
Give my regards to William
Howard Taft.
>> ARCHER (slow motion): No.
>> PAM (slow motion): No....!
>> OTHERS (slow motion): No...!
>> ARCHER (slow motion): Pam?
(clears throat)
(normal voice): Pam?
>> ARCHER: Pam, seriously.
>> LANA: Archer...
>> ARCHER: Lana, shut up. Pam!
>> LANA: Archer, I think
she's...
(sniffles) I think she's...
>> CALDERÓN: Dead.
(crying) And now you, Mr.
Archer, can join her in...
>> CHERLENE: Out... law...
country.
(Juliana screaming)
(gunshots)
(Calderón grunting)
I'm gonna go Jerry Lee
on your ass!
(Juliana screaming)
(gunshots)
>> LANA: Um, do you want to...?
>> ARCHER: Yes. Wait, were you
gonna say "watch"?
>> LANA: I was gonna say "help,"
but...
>> ARCHER: Shut up. Did she say
she used to be married to
Calderón's father?
>> PAM: (sniffs) Yeah, that's
some messed-up shit.
>> RAY: Hey!
>> ARCHER: Pam!
>> LANA: How are you not dead?
>> PAM: (chuckles) 'Cause I'm
not a pussy?
And also probably 'cause of
this.
>> MALORY: Is that Cyril's?
>> PAM: Yep.
>> RAY: Um...
>> ARCHER: You know they're not
reusable, right?
Once the fibers get damaged,
that's basically just a sweater
vest.
>> PAM (sucks air through teeth): Oh, good.
'Cause for a second there, I
thought I actually was a pussy.
>> ARCHER: Hurts, huh?
(Cherlene and Juliana screaming)
(Cherlene shouts)
>> RAY: Hey, so...
>> LANA: Yeah. Now do you want
to help?
>> ARCHER (sighs, groans): Okay,
Mother, give me my gun.
>> MALORY: I don't have it-- I
threw it away.
>> LANA: You what?!
>> RAY: What?!
>> ARCHER: Why would you throw
away a perfectly good gun?!
>> MALORY: Because it touched
your... junk.
>> ARCHER: How dirty do you
think my junk is?
>> MALORY: As dirty as if it
were made of dirt and then got
dropped in some different dirt
and then Pig-Pen came along and
kicked it around with his dirty
shoes.
>> ARCHER: Fair enough.
(gunshot)
(Lana and Malory gasp)
>> CALDERÓN: Nobody move.
Except you, Juliana.
Let go of Cherlene and throw
down the gun.
Now, then...
>> JULIANA: Ow, ow, ow, ow.
Stop it. Stop it.
Ow. No. Ow, ow, ow. Ooh...
(gunshot)
>> CALDERÓN: Now, then!
Cherlene, stop this at once.
As your husband, I command you.
(others gasp)
>> CHERLENE: My what?!
>> CALDERÓN: Sorry, hang on.
Juliana, I divorce you, but also
I wish you the best of luck in
the years ahead, which you will
spend in prison.
Cherlene, I now pronounce us
husband and wife.
>> PAM (sniffs): Weddings always
get me.
>> LANA: Plus cocaine.
>> CHERLENE: No! We are so not
married!
Are you...?
Wait, which is it?
>> ARCHER: Literally.
>> CHERLENE: Are you literally
insane?!
>> CALDERÓN: No, but my word is
literally law.
One of the perks of being a
dictator.
>> CHERLENE: You said you
weren't a dictator!
>> CALDERÓN: I-I lied, okay?
But hopefully our marriage is
strong enough that, together and
over time, we can work through
it.
>> ARCHER: Well, at least he
admits he was wrong.
>> LANA: Yeah, 'cause that makes
it all better.
>> ARCHER: When did you get so
cynical?
>> CALDERÓN: The rest of you...
are under arrest!
>> OTHERS: What?
>> CALDERÓN: Except those of you
who are to be executed.
>> KRIEGER: Wait, what?
Hey, guys.
Um...
>> CALDERÓN: In which case...
I would not put a lot of money
in my prison canteen account.
I'm looking your way, Mr.
Archer.
>> ARCHER: Wait. Whoa, no. I...
>> MALORY: Well, then, good luck
getting any more weapons,
you-you cut-rate Castro!
>> CALDERÓN: Ha!
I don't need them.
As we speak, my scientists are
working on a secret weapon, and
soon I will water our coca
fields with the rebels' blood!
(others groan)
>> CHERLENE: Gross!
I can't believe I married you.
(door opens)
(others gasp)
>> COMANDANTE: Presidente.
>> CALDERÓN: Good! Yes.
I am glad you are here.
I have been bluffing the whole
time, look.
(clicking)
Totally out of bullets.
(chuckles) See that?
>> ARCHER: My bad, guys.
That's on me.
>> CALDERÓN: Anyway, okay, now,
Comandante, arrest these
people.
>> COMANDANTE: But, Presidente,
the rebels, they have smashed
our counterattack.
(others react)
They are headed for the palace.
Hurry! We must get you out of
here.
>> CHERLENE: Wait, and me!
I'm the first lady!
>> COMANDANTE: Please, hurry.
We have to go before...
(loud crash)
(all gasp)
(engine rumbling)
>> CALDERÓN: W-Well?
Don't just stand there, you
cowards!
Do something!
(weapons clatter)
Oh, really? That-that is
obviously not what I...
>> COMANDANTE: Don't shoot,
don't shoot!
We surrender!
(engine shuts off)
>> CYRIL: Uh, what's that?
>> PAM: Cyril?
>> CYRIL: Yeah, I couldn't hear
you over the sound of this
gigantic friggin' tank.
(chuckles)
>> MALORY: You idiot, that's the
vehicle you found?
I meant a limousine or...
>> CYRIL: Jesus God, woman,
nothing is ever good enough for
you!
>> ARCHER: Right?
>> COMANDANTE: Please, sir!
Accept our surrender!
>> CALDERÓN: No, not to him!
(groans) He's not the rebels!
>> LANA: Kind of a moot point,
though, isn't it?
What with the tank and all.
>> CYRIL: Yeah. So I hereby...
>> ARCHER: Accept your
surrender!
Dibs! I'm in charge!
Cyril, get out of the...
(whirring)
>> CYRIL: Sorry? I still
couldn't hear you.
(others laugh)
>> ARCHER: Yeah, Cyril, you are
sorry because you still look
like an idiot.
You look like, uh...
(laughing): Oh, my God.
Hang on. Wait, wait, wait.
I-I actually have something for
this!
(inhales deeply) Mi...
>> PAM: Mike Ducockless!
(all laugh but Archer)
Oh, boy.
(Archer roaring)
Ha, ha!
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org
>> MAN: Made... in Georgia.
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