1
00:00:00,950 --> 00:00:02,250
Now, then, Mr. Crane,
2
00:00:02,300 --> 00:00:06,000
tell us what the Archer
Agency can do for you.
3
00:00:06,050 --> 00:00:07,600
- Well, I...
- Excuse me.
4
00:00:07,650 --> 00:00:09,425
It's the Figgis Agency.
5
00:00:09,475 --> 00:00:11,925
Cyril, please!
Stop interrupting.
6
00:00:11,975 --> 00:00:14,775
Now, Mr. Crane,
how can we help you?
7
00:00:14,825 --> 00:00:18,675
Well, I'm afraid that someone,
or someones,
8
00:00:18,725 --> 00:00:21,600
is trying to sabotage my latest
picture, Deadly Velvet.
9
00:00:23,150 --> 00:00:24,775
You mean
besides the critics?
10
00:00:24,825 --> 00:00:27,100
Huh? We're still in production.
11
00:00:27,150 --> 00:00:29,675
It's a joke.
Lighten up, Fritz Lang.
12
00:00:30,875 --> 00:00:33,150
And what makes you
suspect sabotage?
13
00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:35,275
Well, as Lana can confirm...
14
00:00:35,325 --> 00:00:37,625
Oh-ho-ho, so now it's "Lana"?
15
00:00:37,675 --> 00:00:40,850
Uh, Miss Kane, rather,
who, as you know,
16
00:00:40,900 --> 00:00:42,475
has recently begun working
17
00:00:42,525 --> 00:00:44,950
on the picture as a
technical advisor.
18
00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:46,700
There's already been
three accidents on-set
19
00:00:46,750 --> 00:00:48,325
which were pretty suspicious.
20
00:00:48,375 --> 00:00:50,325
A fire,
a camera crane collapsed...
21
00:00:50,375 --> 00:00:52,200
Narrowly missing
several crew members.
22
00:00:52,250 --> 00:00:54,200
And yesterday, there was
some kind of malfunction
23
00:00:54,250 --> 00:00:55,475
with a stuntman's airbag.
24
00:00:55,525 --> 00:00:58,000
That poor devil
may be paralyzed.
25
00:00:58,050 --> 00:01:00,350
Well,
it certainly sounds suspicious.
26
00:01:00,400 --> 00:01:03,050
But why come to us?
Why not the police?
27
00:01:03,100 --> 00:01:04,475
- I...
- I don't know, Cyril.
28
00:01:04,525 --> 00:01:07,025
Maybe he wanted to be
interrupted every five seconds.
29
00:01:07,075 --> 00:01:08,650
I don't, actually.
30
00:01:08,700 --> 00:01:10,325
And Ellis doesn't want
the police involved.
31
00:01:10,375 --> 00:01:12,150
Oh-ho-ho-ho.
So now it's "Ellis"?
32
00:01:12,200 --> 00:01:14,500
Yes, Archer.
It's Ellis. And Lana.
33
00:01:14,550 --> 00:01:16,150
He and I are on a
first-name basis,
34
00:01:16,200 --> 00:01:18,350
whereas you and
I are on a break!
35
00:01:18,400 --> 00:01:20,225
Yeah, how you holdin' up?
36
00:01:20,275 --> 00:01:22,375
- Pff.
- I'll take that as a "barely."
37
00:01:22,425 --> 00:01:23,900
Take it however you want.
38
00:01:23,950 --> 00:01:25,200
Already did, so...
39
00:01:25,250 --> 00:01:27,375
- Could we...
- Cyril, I swear to God...
40
00:01:27,425 --> 00:01:29,600
Malory!
Ellis wants to hire the agency
41
00:01:29,650 --> 00:01:30,950
to go undercover on the set.
42
00:01:31,000 --> 00:01:32,125
Ooh.
43
00:01:32,175 --> 00:01:33,850
You could pose as
technical advisor.
44
00:01:33,900 --> 00:01:35,350
I already am.
45
00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:37,675
- Posing.
- The technical advisor.
46
00:01:37,725 --> 00:01:39,800
And if someone is trying
to sabotage the movie,
47
00:01:39,850 --> 00:01:42,575
- our job is to catch them.
- Discreetly.
48
00:01:42,625 --> 00:01:45,525
If the insurance company
pulls the bond or, God forbid,
49
00:01:45,575 --> 00:01:47,525
my investors back out,
I'll be ruined!
50
00:01:47,575 --> 00:01:50,725
Don't worry, Mr. Crane.
We won't let that happen.
51
00:01:50,775 --> 00:01:52,050
Put your faith in us.
52
00:01:52,100 --> 00:01:54,725
I'm afraid I must.
53
00:01:54,775 --> 00:01:56,400
We'll see you there
this afternoon.
54
00:01:56,450 --> 00:01:58,575
Ellis,
should we get back to the set?
55
00:01:59,825 --> 00:02:01,550
Meh?
Meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh?
56
00:02:03,100 --> 00:02:06,775
- And, uh, how are you holding up?
- Pff.
57
00:02:06,825 --> 00:02:08,575
All right, listen up.
58
00:02:08,625 --> 00:02:12,225
As much as I hate,
hate, hate, hate...
59
00:02:12,275 --> 00:02:14,750
to do this, a movie set is huge,
60
00:02:14,800 --> 00:02:17,550
so we're going to need all of
you to go undercover, so...
61
00:02:17,600 --> 00:02:19,550
- Yay!
- Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!
62
00:02:19,600 --> 00:02:23,300
So try to act
like professionals.
63
00:02:23,350 --> 00:02:26,100
Professional whats?
What do we have to do, more work?
64
00:02:26,150 --> 00:02:29,350
Well, I've tried to match the
various production departments
65
00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:32,550
to your skill sets,
such as they are,
66
00:02:32,600 --> 00:02:35,250
so Cyril... accounting.
Get into those books.
67
00:02:35,300 --> 00:02:36,900
Find out who could
benefit from cost overruns
68
00:02:36,950 --> 00:02:38,750
or delays in production.
69
00:02:38,800 --> 00:02:41,575
And that is exactly what I was
going to tell myself to do, so...
70
00:02:41,625 --> 00:02:42,975
Pam... craft services.
71
00:02:43,025 --> 00:02:44,275
Goddamn it.
72
00:02:44,325 --> 00:02:46,475
Wh...
I'm the one who knows macramé.
73
00:02:46,525 --> 00:02:48,950
And you're also
babysitting Carol.
74
00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:51,150
Wh...
Why do I need a babysitter?
75
00:02:51,200 --> 00:02:52,950
Because they've
already had one fire.
76
00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:55,150
Then why not
just leave her here?
77
00:02:55,200 --> 00:02:56,625
Because we've
already had one fire.
78
00:02:56,675 --> 00:02:58,300
Now, then, Gillette...
79
00:02:58,350 --> 00:02:59,600
Hair and makeup, hair and makeup,
hair and makeup,
80
00:02:59,650 --> 00:03:00,825
hair and makeup,
hair and makeup!
81
00:03:00,875 --> 00:03:02,000
Finished?
82
00:03:02,050 --> 00:03:03,600
Yes. Grip.
83
00:03:03,650 --> 00:03:04,925
Goddamn it!
84
00:03:04,975 --> 00:03:06,425
Ooh, what about me?
What about me?
85
00:03:06,475 --> 00:03:09,600
Oh,
you just sort of skulk around.
86
00:03:09,650 --> 00:03:11,275
Oh, I will.
87
00:03:11,325 --> 00:03:14,450
And I shall pose as
an executive producer,
88
00:03:14,500 --> 00:03:16,325
which leaves Sterling.
89
00:03:16,375 --> 00:03:19,325
Yeah, it leaves him right here
'cause I'll be damned
90
00:03:19,375 --> 00:03:22,175
if I'm helping Lana's new
pretend boyfriend make a movie.
91
00:03:22,225 --> 00:03:25,125
- Oh, that's too bad.
- Yeah, well...
92
00:03:25,175 --> 00:03:27,025
Krieger,
I suppose you'll just have to be
93
00:03:27,075 --> 00:03:28,800
Veronica Deane's new bodyguard.
94
00:03:31,675 --> 00:03:32,850
Let's go, you dumb idiots.
95
00:03:32,900 --> 00:03:34,325
Well, one of you, anyway.
96
00:03:34,375 --> 00:03:36,375
The rest of you,
I guess maybe carpool.
97
00:03:36,425 --> 00:03:38,625
Luigi won't let anybody
ride in the cab.
98
00:03:38,675 --> 00:03:40,875
I mean,
unless you're down for road head.
99
00:03:40,925 --> 00:03:42,650
Shotgun!
100
00:04:16,200 --> 00:04:18,200
sync and corrected by othelo
www.addic7ed.com
101
00:04:21,750 --> 00:04:23,400
♪ Lunch, hot lunch! ♪
102
00:04:23,450 --> 00:04:25,425
♪ You get it from
hot lunch Pam ♪
103
00:04:25,475 --> 00:04:27,175
♪ Hot lunch! ♪
104
00:04:27,225 --> 00:04:28,575
Okay.
Jesus, why are you in such
105
00:04:28,625 --> 00:04:30,525
an obnoxiously good mood?
106
00:04:30,575 --> 00:04:32,200
Because that crazy dago
107
00:04:32,250 --> 00:04:33,700
let me drive the truck,
108
00:04:33,750 --> 00:04:36,100
so I was the road head-ee.
109
00:04:36,150 --> 00:04:38,100
Yeah. Win for you.
110
00:04:38,150 --> 00:04:41,225
Yep. Just one of the many
perks of having a C.D.L.
111
00:04:41,275 --> 00:04:42,575
What's a C.D.L.?
112
00:04:42,625 --> 00:04:44,600
Commercial driver's license.
113
00:04:44,650 --> 00:04:47,775
And also a.
114
00:04:47,825 --> 00:04:49,775
Ugh! You are so gross.
115
00:04:49,825 --> 00:04:51,550
That's what he said.
116
00:04:51,600 --> 00:04:53,100
But in Italian.
117
00:04:53,150 --> 00:04:54,550
Who said what in Italian?
118
00:04:54,600 --> 00:04:55,750
Don't ask. You'll gag.
119
00:04:55,800 --> 00:04:58,050
I thought maybe you
dopes had stumbled
120
00:04:58,100 --> 00:05:00,125
onto some sort of
mafia shakedown.
121
00:05:00,175 --> 00:05:01,725
We've been here,
like, four minutes.
122
00:05:01,775 --> 00:05:03,725
Well?
Anything suspicious so far?
123
00:05:03,775 --> 00:05:05,125
Uh, just you?
124
00:05:05,175 --> 00:05:08,100
What, I'm a flamboyant
Hollywood producer.
125
00:05:08,150 --> 00:05:09,400
Not the world's
tiniest drag queen?
126
00:05:09,450 --> 00:05:10,725
What?
127
00:05:10,775 --> 00:05:12,400
I said we'll keep you updated.
128
00:05:12,450 --> 00:05:14,175
Well, you'd better, missy.
129
00:05:15,675 --> 00:05:18,025
Holy shit,
did she just eat a grape?
130
00:05:18,075 --> 00:05:19,325
Must be her cheat day.
131
00:05:20,775 --> 00:05:22,400
Man,
it really looks like the '40s.
132
00:05:22,450 --> 00:05:23,900
This is weird, right?
133
00:05:23,950 --> 00:05:26,075
Like the time Star
Trek went to Chicago.
134
00:05:26,125 --> 00:05:29,075
Or Nazi Germany,
for whatever idiot reason.
135
00:05:29,125 --> 00:05:30,250
Archer?
136
00:05:30,300 --> 00:05:32,325
Shapiro?
What are you doing here?
137
00:05:32,375 --> 00:05:33,475
Protecting my client
138
00:05:33,525 --> 00:05:35,625
with my colleagues,
Smith & Wesson.
139
00:05:35,675 --> 00:05:38,175
Oh, really, 'cause I'd
like to meet those guys.
140
00:05:38,225 --> 00:05:39,325
Come on, stop.
141
00:05:39,375 --> 00:05:40,925
First of all,
not a Smith & Wesson.
142
00:05:40,975 --> 00:05:43,000
I know,
but I was going for the whole...
143
00:05:43,050 --> 00:05:45,425
- Second of all, this.
- No, no, no, no, no.
144
00:05:48,225 --> 00:05:49,425
Goddamn it.
145
00:05:49,475 --> 00:05:51,425
What the hell, man?
I needed that.
146
00:05:51,475 --> 00:05:52,625
No, you didn't.
147
00:05:52,675 --> 00:05:54,950
Yes, I did.
This set is dangerous.
148
00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:56,800
As dangerous as
you with a firearm?
149
00:05:56,850 --> 00:05:58,275
Are you kid...
150
00:05:58,325 --> 00:05:59,500
Shit's catching on fire.
151
00:05:59,550 --> 00:06:01,000
Shit's falling on people.
152
00:06:01,050 --> 00:06:03,950
People are falling on shit.
Like the ground.
153
00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:06,175
Well, I think it's all just
a big dumb coincidence,
154
00:06:06,225 --> 00:06:09,000
but even if it's not,
don't worry about...
155
00:06:10,825 --> 00:06:11,875
Veronica Deane.
156
00:06:12,875 --> 00:06:14,850
Yes? Oh, hello, Alan.
157
00:06:14,900 --> 00:06:16,800
Wait. That's why you're here?
158
00:06:16,850 --> 00:06:18,350
Yeah, Crane hired us.
159
00:06:18,400 --> 00:06:20,525
It's nice to see you again,
Ms. Deane.
160
00:06:20,575 --> 00:06:21,975
I'm sorry. Have we met?
161
00:06:22,025 --> 00:06:23,525
Oh, um, yeah.
162
00:06:23,575 --> 00:06:25,675
I'm Sterling Archer,
private investigator.
163
00:06:25,725 --> 00:06:27,800
You hired me.
164
00:06:27,850 --> 00:06:29,200
Um, and then another time,
165
00:06:29,250 --> 00:06:31,150
I protected you in
a hostage situation,
166
00:06:31,200 --> 00:06:32,550
dressed as a clown.
167
00:06:32,600 --> 00:06:34,550
- Is this not ringing any...
- Alan?
168
00:06:34,600 --> 00:06:37,875
Apparently Ellis hired him to
protect you during the shoot.
169
00:06:37,925 --> 00:06:41,325
Other than my ex-husband's refusal
to let me get on with my life,
170
00:06:41,375 --> 00:06:44,600
the only thing I need protection
from is this clunky dialogue.
171
00:06:46,450 --> 00:06:47,850
Thought I had a joke, but...
172
00:06:47,900 --> 00:06:50,000
Mr... Archer, was it?
173
00:06:50,050 --> 00:06:52,400
Yeah. We actually even kissed.
174
00:06:52,450 --> 00:06:55,025
I'm sorry you've wasted your
time, but I can assure you
175
00:06:55,075 --> 00:06:56,825
I have absolutely no need
for a bodyguard, so...
176
00:06:56,875 --> 00:06:57,875
Look out!
177
00:07:07,625 --> 00:07:09,375
You were saying?
178
00:07:12,225 --> 00:07:13,800
Yeah, you were.
179
00:07:20,050 --> 00:07:22,725
Move those cans. Now!
180
00:07:22,775 --> 00:07:25,300
Don't you break my cables!
Come on, people!
181
00:07:25,350 --> 00:07:27,500
Move the cables! Careful!
182
00:07:27,550 --> 00:07:29,475
Oh, for God's sakes, what now?
183
00:07:29,525 --> 00:07:31,600
Looks like a runaway forklift.
184
00:07:31,650 --> 00:07:35,600
That, and I'm pretty
sure my ribs are shattered.
185
00:07:35,650 --> 00:07:38,500
- Like breadsticks.
- Move those lights, you fools!
186
00:07:38,550 --> 00:07:41,650
Oh,
we're just hemorrhaging money.
187
00:07:41,700 --> 00:07:44,825
- And speaking of hemorrhaging...
- What in the hell happened?
188
00:07:44,875 --> 00:07:47,475
- A forklift.
- And a forkwad.
189
00:07:47,525 --> 00:07:49,275
What's the big idea,
kicking my guts out?
190
00:07:49,325 --> 00:07:52,125
When, just now?
When I saved your life?
191
00:07:52,175 --> 00:07:54,300
- And mine.
- Oh, now...
192
00:07:54,350 --> 00:07:56,125
Oh, please.
193
00:07:56,175 --> 00:07:57,525
What's her problem?
194
00:07:57,575 --> 00:07:58,800
How much time do you have?
195
00:07:58,850 --> 00:08:00,825
What is wrong with you?!
196
00:08:00,875 --> 00:08:04,300
What's wrong with you,
lady?
197
00:08:04,350 --> 00:08:05,800
You killed it.
198
00:08:05,850 --> 00:08:08,975
It was beautiful,
and you blew it out!
199
00:08:09,025 --> 00:08:11,650
You maniacs!
200
00:08:11,700 --> 00:08:13,975
You blew it out! Damn you!
201
00:08:14,025 --> 00:08:16,225
Goddamn you all to hell!
202
00:08:16,275 --> 00:08:17,850
What the hell, Tunt?
203
00:08:17,900 --> 00:08:20,650
You leave me to craft all
the service by myself?
204
00:08:20,700 --> 00:08:22,050
I smelled fire.
205
00:08:22,100 --> 00:08:23,200
You mean smoke.
206
00:08:23,250 --> 00:08:24,500
Uh, no.
207
00:08:24,550 --> 00:08:26,525
Oh, I can't believe this.
208
00:08:26,575 --> 00:08:29,150
Yes, it would appear your
"phantom" has struck agai...
209
00:08:29,200 --> 00:08:30,525
Shh-shh-shh-shh...
210
00:08:30,575 --> 00:08:33,000
Back to work, you...
you goldbricks.
211
00:08:33,050 --> 00:08:35,500
All right, you heard the man.
Let's go, let's go, let's go!
212
00:08:37,250 --> 00:08:39,350
That's exactly the sort of rumor
213
00:08:39,400 --> 00:08:40,850
I don't want you
spreading around.
214
00:08:40,900 --> 00:08:43,550
Maybe this was just an accident.
215
00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:45,700
Nah, somebody definitely
tampered with it.
216
00:08:45,750 --> 00:08:47,750
The brake line's cut,
the steering wheel's tied off,
217
00:08:47,800 --> 00:08:49,750
and the throttle linkage
is jammed wide open.
218
00:08:49,800 --> 00:08:51,075
Yeah, I was gonna say...
219
00:08:51,125 --> 00:08:52,250
linkage jam.
220
00:08:52,300 --> 00:08:53,850
Says the man who pays
221
00:08:53,900 --> 00:08:56,050
to have his Ferrari trucked
around on a flatbed.
222
00:08:56,100 --> 00:08:58,100
And how much is
that costing you?
223
00:08:58,150 --> 00:09:00,025
Actually, not much more
than just driving it,
224
00:09:00,075 --> 00:09:01,400
when you factor in
all the repairs.
225
00:09:01,450 --> 00:09:02,550
Plus no DUIs.
226
00:09:02,600 --> 00:09:03,850
Well, fewer.
227
00:09:03,900 --> 00:09:05,200
And shut up.
228
00:09:05,250 --> 00:09:06,875
You wanna try and make me? Huh?
229
00:09:06,925 --> 00:09:09,700
Now, listen here, you...
you rounder.
230
00:09:09,750 --> 00:09:11,425
You keep a civil tone
here with Ms. Kane,
231
00:09:11,475 --> 00:09:13,550
or I'll throw you off
this set so fast you'll...
232
00:09:13,600 --> 00:09:15,700
you'll pass yourself going.
233
00:09:15,750 --> 00:09:17,375
- Wait, what?
- You'll do nothing of the sort.
234
00:09:17,425 --> 00:09:19,200
Archer is my bodyguard,
235
00:09:19,250 --> 00:09:21,875
and if he goes, you can find
yourself another female lead.
236
00:09:21,925 --> 00:09:24,450
And on the off chance you
plan to shoot anything today,
237
00:09:24,500 --> 00:09:26,775
I'll be in my dressing room!
238
00:09:26,825 --> 00:09:28,925
Archer? Shall we?
239
00:09:28,975 --> 00:09:30,900
Yes,
we probably shall.
240
00:09:30,950 --> 00:09:32,225
Damn it.
241
00:09:32,275 --> 00:09:35,225
Yeah, well Ellis and I will
be in his dressing room, so...
242
00:09:35,275 --> 00:09:36,800
shall we?
243
00:09:36,850 --> 00:09:39,300
Actually, my dear, I need
to go meet with my investors
244
00:09:39,350 --> 00:09:41,425
to cushion the blow about this,
245
00:09:41,475 --> 00:09:44,475
as it were, so... hmm.
246
00:09:44,525 --> 00:09:46,075
So, apparently, you shan't.
247
00:09:46,125 --> 00:09:48,075
Oh, my God, jealous much?
248
00:09:48,125 --> 00:09:50,575
Jealous.
249
00:09:50,625 --> 00:09:53,825
It's getting hard to tell the
kettles from the pots around here.
250
00:09:53,875 --> 00:09:56,275
Well, usually,
kettles have whistles.
251
00:09:56,325 --> 00:09:57,575
If that helps.
252
00:09:58,875 --> 00:10:00,950
Hey, Malory,
do you have a minute?
253
00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:03,950
"Malory"?
What happened to "Ms. Archer"?
254
00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:06,425
Well, technically,
they both work for me, so...
255
00:10:06,475 --> 00:10:10,325
So you thought today would be a good
day to try on your big-boy britches
256
00:10:10,375 --> 00:10:12,425
right in the middle
of a mystery?
257
00:10:12,475 --> 00:10:13,600
That's my point.
258
00:10:13,650 --> 00:10:15,275
I think I may have found a clue.
259
00:10:15,325 --> 00:10:16,825
Well, all right, Cyril.
260
00:10:16,875 --> 00:10:20,675
But you'd better just wind
in that neck, Mr. Man.
261
00:10:20,725 --> 00:10:22,300
So, Archer...
262
00:10:22,350 --> 00:10:24,275
would you say women,
on the whole,
263
00:10:24,325 --> 00:10:25,975
found him attractive?
264
00:10:26,025 --> 00:10:27,650
Which hole?
265
00:10:27,700 --> 00:10:29,125
Because yes.
266
00:10:29,175 --> 00:10:30,775
Albeit grudgingly.
267
00:10:30,825 --> 00:10:33,275
And sexually,
would you say...
268
00:10:33,325 --> 00:10:35,950
Which hole?
269
00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:37,450
Sorry. What?
270
00:10:37,500 --> 00:10:40,325
And would you say he's...
accomplished?
271
00:10:40,375 --> 00:10:41,825
Like, is he good at plowing?
272
00:10:41,875 --> 00:10:43,450
You know he's straight, right?
273
00:10:43,500 --> 00:10:45,475
- I'm...
- Aww, Li'l Baby Elton...
274
00:10:45,525 --> 00:10:46,975
I'm straight.
275
00:10:47,025 --> 00:10:48,875
Okay, hypothetically...
276
00:10:48,925 --> 00:10:52,350
No, not... Wait...
Look, I'm in love with Veronica.
277
00:10:52,400 --> 00:10:54,550
I have been since the first
time I laid eyes on her.
278
00:10:54,600 --> 00:10:56,200
I'll never forget that moment.
279
00:10:56,250 --> 00:10:59,150
It felt like I got kicked
in the chest by a mule.
280
00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:01,475
Yeah, you don't forget
a hoof to the tits.
281
00:11:01,525 --> 00:11:02,975
Or shooting your first mule.
282
00:11:03,025 --> 00:11:04,975
Wh...
How many have you shot?
283
00:11:05,025 --> 00:11:06,525
Hmm... two.
284
00:11:06,575 --> 00:11:08,475
Anyway,
since she and Crane divorced,
285
00:11:08,525 --> 00:11:09,900
I thought I might have a chance.
286
00:11:11,575 --> 00:11:13,350
But now I'm worried she
might fall for Archer.
287
00:11:13,400 --> 00:11:14,900
If she hasn't already.
288
00:11:14,950 --> 00:11:16,525
Which...
289
00:11:16,575 --> 00:11:18,000
I just need a moment to change
290
00:11:18,050 --> 00:11:20,175
into something more comfortable.
291
00:11:20,225 --> 00:11:22,225
But, please,
do make yourself at home.
292
00:11:22,275 --> 00:11:24,200
Faites comme chez vouz,
as the French say.
293
00:11:24,250 --> 00:11:26,000
Please, take your time.
294
00:11:26,050 --> 00:11:28,500
Oh, and there should be a
bottle of champagne chilling.
295
00:11:31,050 --> 00:11:33,675
So there is.
296
00:11:33,725 --> 00:11:35,925
So you want us to
quit doing our jobs
297
00:11:35,975 --> 00:11:37,525
to help you cockblock Archer?
298
00:11:37,575 --> 00:11:40,875
Well, I... Wait.
Was that sarcastic, or...
299
00:11:40,925 --> 00:11:43,750
- No.
- Then, yeah, I'd love that.
300
00:11:43,800 --> 00:11:44,900
Really?
301
00:11:44,950 --> 00:11:47,600
Enough to shoot a mule?
302
00:11:47,650 --> 00:11:49,600
I mean, not that I think
it'll come to that.
303
00:11:49,650 --> 00:11:51,025
You lost me.
304
00:11:51,075 --> 00:11:52,925
Which I think
is the whole point here.
305
00:11:52,975 --> 00:11:54,700
I mean,
in all my years of accounting,
306
00:11:54,750 --> 00:11:55,925
I've never seen
anything like it.
307
00:11:55,975 --> 00:11:58,525
And I've seen some
pretty crazy stuff.
308
00:11:58,575 --> 00:12:00,700
Treating deferred revenue
as earned revenue,
309
00:12:00,750 --> 00:12:03,050
lapping, force balancing, uh...
310
00:12:03,100 --> 00:12:04,950
All right, Cyril, I get it.
311
00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:07,750
Yours is a world of
mystery and adventure.
312
00:12:07,800 --> 00:12:10,050
But pretend I'm not HAL 9000.
313
00:12:10,100 --> 00:12:11,575
Okay, the best I can tell,
basically,
314
00:12:11,625 --> 00:12:13,225
the investors on this movie
315
00:12:13,275 --> 00:12:15,450
will make more money if
production shuts down.
316
00:12:15,500 --> 00:12:17,300
From the production insurance?
317
00:12:17,350 --> 00:12:19,600
It's insured for triple what they
could hope to make at the box office.
318
00:12:19,650 --> 00:12:23,400
But Crane was going on and on about
not wanting to lose the insurance...
319
00:12:23,450 --> 00:12:25,125
Yeah, that's the proverbial rub.
320
00:12:25,175 --> 00:12:27,275
The insurance bond
is actually reinsured
321
00:12:27,325 --> 00:12:29,275
by a shell corporation
in Florida,
322
00:12:29,325 --> 00:12:32,575
whose policy is reinsured by
a shell corporation in Panama,
323
00:12:32,625 --> 00:12:34,900
and so on and so
on down the line
324
00:12:34,950 --> 00:12:37,100
until... well,
I lost the trail in Liberia.
325
00:12:37,150 --> 00:12:39,450
Pff. The Cousin
Oliver of Africa.
326
00:12:39,500 --> 00:12:42,250
But the name of the
Florida shell company is...
327
00:12:42,300 --> 00:12:44,950
wait for it... Sandhill-Crane.
328
00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:47,250
So? Some panhandle trash-bird?
329
00:12:47,300 --> 00:12:50,500
Not that kind of crane.
Ellis Crane.
330
00:12:50,550 --> 00:12:51,925
I think he's behind this company
331
00:12:51,975 --> 00:12:53,925
and all these so-called
"accidents."
332
00:12:53,975 --> 00:12:57,825
Which means he would stand to
benefit if production were shut down.
333
00:12:57,875 --> 00:12:59,925
He'd make millions.
334
00:12:59,975 --> 00:13:02,350
Pretty impressive detective work,
if I do say so myself.
335
00:13:04,150 --> 00:13:06,775
And apparently I'm the only
one who's gonna say it, so...
336
00:13:06,825 --> 00:13:08,475
Oh, get over yourself, Rain Man.
337
00:13:08,525 --> 00:13:11,100
Sandhill-Crane could
just be a coincidence.
338
00:13:11,150 --> 00:13:12,650
It's not enough
to prove anything.
339
00:13:12,700 --> 00:13:15,775
No, we need to catch
Crane in the act somehow.
340
00:13:15,825 --> 00:13:17,775
Maybe if we used
someone as bait.
341
00:13:17,825 --> 00:13:19,650
Yeah, I don't know.
How would that even...
342
00:13:19,700 --> 00:13:21,325
Where's Gillette?
343
00:13:21,375 --> 00:13:23,150
Yeah, see?
When we feather it out like that,
344
00:13:23,200 --> 00:13:24,625
it really frames your face.
345
00:13:24,675 --> 00:13:26,700
And I mean,
with your cheekbones...
346
00:13:27,850 --> 00:13:30,550
What the hell are you doing?
347
00:13:32,225 --> 00:13:33,675
Gripping?
348
00:13:38,975 --> 00:13:40,100
All right, Cyril.
349
00:13:40,150 --> 00:13:43,550
So if Crane really is
behind all these accidents,
350
00:13:43,600 --> 00:13:47,025
the question is how
do we catch him?
351
00:13:47,075 --> 00:13:48,675
Oh, you're asking me. Sorry.
352
00:13:48,725 --> 00:13:50,250
I thought that was rhetorical.
353
00:13:50,300 --> 00:13:52,925
Why would I be asking
rhetorical questions?
354
00:13:52,975 --> 00:13:55,200
- Bec...
- That one was.
355
00:13:55,250 --> 00:13:56,600
All right,
so what's the plan, guys?
356
00:13:56,650 --> 00:13:58,750
How do we stop Archer from
hooking up with Veronica?
357
00:13:58,800 --> 00:14:00,200
Umm...
358
00:14:00,250 --> 00:14:01,875
Ooh!
We could throw acid in her face.
359
00:14:01,925 --> 00:14:03,375
Wh... Jesus.
360
00:14:03,425 --> 00:14:05,025
What is wrong with you?
361
00:14:05,075 --> 00:14:07,575
What? Then you swoop in
and take care of her,
362
00:14:07,625 --> 00:14:09,550
and then slowly,
after many years,
363
00:14:09,600 --> 00:14:13,075
she might fall in some weird
semblance of love with you.
364
00:14:13,125 --> 00:14:15,575
Yeah,
I think maybe we can do better.
365
00:14:15,625 --> 00:14:18,275
Okay, but the perfect is
the enemy of the good.
366
00:14:18,325 --> 00:14:19,425
Mm.
367
00:14:19,475 --> 00:14:21,575
Ooh. How about I seduce her?
368
00:14:21,625 --> 00:14:24,275
Yeah,
I don't think she's bisexual.
369
00:14:24,325 --> 00:14:26,050
Who cares?
370
00:14:26,100 --> 00:14:28,250
Plus,
I bet she'd prefer the acid.
371
00:14:28,300 --> 00:14:29,300
Hey, you know what?
372
00:14:29,350 --> 00:14:31,100
What are you ninnies doing?
373
00:14:31,150 --> 00:14:33,100
- Looking for acid.
- No, we're not.
374
00:14:33,150 --> 00:14:36,725
This is no time to be taking your
damn drugs, you hippie dropouts.
375
00:14:36,775 --> 00:14:40,900
We think Ellis Crane might be the
one who's sabotaging the production.
376
00:14:40,950 --> 00:14:42,575
Holy shit-snacks.
377
00:14:42,625 --> 00:14:44,900
- Who's Ellis Crane?
- I knew it.
378
00:14:44,950 --> 00:14:47,100
I mean, I didn't know it.
I had no idea whatsoever.
379
00:14:47,150 --> 00:14:49,575
But now that you say it,
it makes total sense.
380
00:14:49,625 --> 00:14:50,950
But what makes you
think it's Crane?
381
00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:52,575
- Well, I...
- Doesn't matter.
382
00:14:52,625 --> 00:14:54,650
Or it won't,
once we can catch him red-handed,
383
00:14:54,700 --> 00:14:56,925
which is what we're
hatching a plan to do.
384
00:14:56,975 --> 00:14:58,625
Ooh. How about I seduce him?
385
00:14:58,675 --> 00:15:02,225
Pam,
I doubt the man is bisexual.
386
00:15:02,275 --> 00:15:04,600
Who care... Wait, what?
387
00:15:04,650 --> 00:15:07,000
And even if he were,
he wouldn't want a blob like you.
388
00:15:07,050 --> 00:15:10,425
I mean, when was the last
time you even saw your penis?
389
00:15:10,475 --> 00:15:11,825
I...
390
00:15:13,725 --> 00:15:15,675
She knows you're a woman, right?
391
00:15:15,725 --> 00:15:16,925
I thought she did.
392
00:15:16,975 --> 00:15:18,500
Wait. You had sex with her.
393
00:15:18,550 --> 00:15:21,000
Yeah,
but she was all tore-up drunk.
394
00:15:21,050 --> 00:15:23,300
Oh, right.
Plus I was wearing a stra...
395
00:15:23,350 --> 00:15:24,950
- Eww!
- What?
396
00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:26,325
Don't ask. You'll gag.
397
00:15:26,375 --> 00:15:27,450
She certainly did.
398
00:15:27,500 --> 00:15:28,675
Who did what?
399
00:15:28,725 --> 00:15:30,125
Seriously, don't ask.
400
00:15:30,175 --> 00:15:31,675
But let me ask you this.
401
00:15:31,725 --> 00:15:34,125
Do you think there's
anything about Archer
402
00:15:34,175 --> 00:15:37,000
that women would
find to be a turnoff?
403
00:15:37,050 --> 00:15:39,450
Oh, you're serious.
404
00:15:39,500 --> 00:15:42,300
Well, then, shit.
Where to begin? Umm...
405
00:15:42,350 --> 00:15:45,325
And there is a bit of
a clock on this, so...
406
00:15:45,375 --> 00:15:47,700
- Why?
- Well, he and Veronica
407
00:15:47,750 --> 00:15:50,125
have been in her dressing
room for a while now.
408
00:15:50,175 --> 00:15:51,175
Uh-huh.
409
00:15:51,225 --> 00:15:54,650
And since apparently Archer's
penis is like a crack pipe...
410
00:15:54,700 --> 00:15:56,200
What, in size and/or shape?
411
00:15:56,250 --> 00:16:00,050
They said if he has sex with Veronica,
she'll fall head over heels for him.
412
00:16:00,100 --> 00:16:02,375
Oh, they did, did they?
413
00:16:02,425 --> 00:16:03,850
Yes.
414
00:16:03,900 --> 00:16:07,700
Did you, um...
415
00:16:07,750 --> 00:16:09,050
Mm-hmm.
416
00:16:09,100 --> 00:16:11,225
Hm. Me too.
417
00:16:11,275 --> 00:16:12,900
Yes, I know.
418
00:16:12,950 --> 00:16:14,325
Oh, right.
419
00:16:14,375 --> 00:16:16,000
Sorry about the, uh...
420
00:16:16,050 --> 00:16:18,675
- I think it'll come out.
- Phrasing. Still, though.
421
00:16:18,725 --> 00:16:20,825
But as much as I'd love
to lie here and bask
422
00:16:20,875 --> 00:16:22,400
in this post-coital glow...
423
00:16:22,450 --> 00:16:24,250
Right? We've got champagne.
424
00:16:24,300 --> 00:16:26,075
We're over the worst
of the stickiness.
425
00:16:26,125 --> 00:16:28,350
I know,
but it's very nearly 3:00.
426
00:16:28,400 --> 00:16:29,875
Really? That late?
427
00:16:29,925 --> 00:16:31,750
Yes, almost exactly 3:00,
428
00:16:31,800 --> 00:16:34,925
and I'm late for a
wardrobe fitting, so...
429
00:16:34,975 --> 00:16:37,350
So I'll just wait for you here,
or...
430
00:16:37,400 --> 00:16:38,850
Um, sure.
431
00:16:38,900 --> 00:16:40,250
I'm sorry I have to run,
432
00:16:40,300 --> 00:16:42,250
but it's almost
the stroke of 3:00.
433
00:16:42,300 --> 00:16:44,050
Yeah, you mentioned...
434
00:16:44,100 --> 00:16:46,550
Mm, mwah. Back soon.
435
00:16:46,600 --> 00:16:50,875
And I'll be here, slowly drying.
436
00:16:50,925 --> 00:16:52,200
Ahh...
437
00:16:52,250 --> 00:16:54,200
Oh, man, I can't believe
438
00:16:54,250 --> 00:16:56,200
I just made love
to Veronica Deane.
439
00:16:56,250 --> 00:16:59,375
I wonder if this is how
Tenzing Norgay felt.
440
00:16:59,425 --> 00:17:03,600
Holy shit, I wonder if this is
how Tenzing Norgay always feels.
441
00:17:03,650 --> 00:17:05,375
What, sticky?
442
00:17:05,425 --> 00:17:06,625
Gulp.
443
00:17:06,675 --> 00:17:09,625
You know,
we could just confront Crane
444
00:17:09,675 --> 00:17:11,875
- with the evidence.
- The flimsy evidence.
445
00:17:11,925 --> 00:17:14,125
Yeah, but maybe his reaction
would give him away.
446
00:17:14,175 --> 00:17:16,100
Hmm.
447
00:17:16,150 --> 00:17:20,050
All right. So we just barge
into his dressing room and...
448
00:17:20,100 --> 00:17:21,450
ambush him!
449
00:17:21,500 --> 00:17:23,600
Because you said
we were on a break!
450
00:17:23,650 --> 00:17:26,050
So two days later,
your cock's wet?
451
00:17:26,100 --> 00:17:28,425
Oh, I'm sorry, Lana,
is there a grace period?
452
00:17:28,475 --> 00:17:30,500
- If there is, you neglected to tell me.
- There's an acceptable amount of time
453
00:17:30,550 --> 00:17:33,325
before you start cramming
your trash dick...
454
00:17:33,375 --> 00:17:35,900
You never bother to
consult me on anything.
455
00:17:35,950 --> 00:17:39,075
And for your information,
this stupid break wasn't my idea.
456
00:17:39,125 --> 00:17:40,575
It was yours!
457
00:17:40,625 --> 00:17:43,650
Because you,
prolapsed rectum that you are,
458
00:17:43,700 --> 00:17:46,150
are infatuated with
Veronica Deane,
459
00:17:46,200 --> 00:17:50,000
whose cobwebby old snooch, by
the way, I can smell from here.
460
00:17:50,050 --> 00:17:52,925
Well,
it's not cobwebby anymore.
461
00:17:56,525 --> 00:17:57,625
Lana!
462
00:17:57,675 --> 00:17:59,675
So that's your plan.
463
00:17:59,725 --> 00:18:01,925
- Yeah.
- In its entirety.
464
00:18:01,975 --> 00:18:03,275
Yep.
465
00:18:03,325 --> 00:18:05,275
We just slam the
door open and say...
466
00:18:05,325 --> 00:18:06,600
Don't do it!
467
00:18:06,650 --> 00:18:08,100
He's riddled with clap!
468
00:18:08,150 --> 00:18:09,275
What?
469
00:18:09,325 --> 00:18:10,800
Um...
470
00:18:12,325 --> 00:18:13,325
What?
471
00:18:13,375 --> 00:18:15,275
I, um...
472
00:18:15,325 --> 00:18:16,825
Man, you ever do that...
473
00:18:16,875 --> 00:18:19,650
you walk in a room
and you forget why?
474
00:18:19,700 --> 00:18:21,825
- No.
- And what are you looking at?
475
00:18:21,875 --> 00:18:24,350
Wow. It is kind of
like a crack pipe.
476
00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:28,325
Will you idiots please leave so I
can beat this man's ass in private?
477
00:18:28,375 --> 00:18:30,300
Oh, whatever.
I was beating your...
478
00:18:31,525 --> 00:18:34,025
Mother! Move, idiots!
479
00:18:34,075 --> 00:18:36,625
- Out of my way.
- Follow that ass.
480
00:18:36,675 --> 00:18:38,850
Mother!
Mother, are you all right?
481
00:18:38,900 --> 00:18:40,000
Why wouldn't I be?
482
00:18:40,050 --> 00:18:41,550
I... I heard you scream.
483
00:18:41,600 --> 00:18:43,500
That wasn't me. It was this one.
484
00:18:43,550 --> 00:18:45,725
Well, it was very upsetting.
485
00:18:45,775 --> 00:18:47,650
- Whoa.
- Oh, my God.
486
00:18:47,700 --> 00:18:49,975
Oh.
Yeah, that is pretty upsetting.
487
00:18:50,025 --> 00:18:52,525
And what the hell
are you wearing?
488
00:18:52,575 --> 00:18:56,000
I think technically
it's a loincloth?
489
00:18:56,050 --> 00:18:58,525
Fashioned out of a
baby-doll nightie.
490
00:18:59,875 --> 00:19:01,400
Well, I'm sorry, Mother.
491
00:19:01,450 --> 00:19:03,825
I didn't know I'd be
going to a funeral.
492
00:19:03,875 --> 00:19:05,425
I would've worn a black one.
493
00:19:12,300 --> 00:19:14,000
Okay,
people, uh, listen up.
494
00:19:14,050 --> 00:19:16,525
This is now an active
homicide investigation,
495
00:19:16,575 --> 00:19:19,425
and while the situation on the
ground may be somewhat fluid...
496
00:19:19,475 --> 00:19:22,225
Fluid on the ground,
on the walls...
497
00:19:22,275 --> 00:19:24,025
You shut up!
498
00:19:24,075 --> 00:19:27,025
Shut your mouth, or I swear
to Christ in His heaven
499
00:19:27,075 --> 00:19:29,725
I will personally frame
you for this murder!
500
00:19:29,775 --> 00:19:31,200
Hey, bub, remember?
501
00:19:31,250 --> 00:19:33,100
About the thing?
502
00:19:33,150 --> 00:19:35,725
Please
disregard my previous statement.
503
00:19:35,775 --> 00:19:38,075
Merely an ill-advised
attempt at levity.
504
00:19:38,125 --> 00:19:41,075
Okay. And in light of
your various professional,
505
00:19:41,125 --> 00:19:44,200
or, in some cases, personal
relationships with the victim,
506
00:19:44,250 --> 00:19:47,275
at the present time,
you are all persons of interest.
507
00:19:48,450 --> 00:19:50,375
Hey, hey, hey, hey. Calm down.
508
00:19:50,425 --> 00:19:54,075
He didn't say "suspects". Yet.
509
00:19:54,125 --> 00:19:56,375
But until we do
have a suspect...
510
00:19:56,425 --> 00:19:58,050
Or suspects.
511
00:19:58,100 --> 00:19:59,725
We are gonna have to ask you
512
00:19:59,775 --> 00:20:01,300
not to leave town
without checking with us.
513
00:20:01,350 --> 00:20:03,050
But that's ridiculous.
514
00:20:03,100 --> 00:20:06,125
It wasn't any of us.
He hired us for protection.
515
00:20:06,175 --> 00:20:07,925
What, like a protection racket?
516
00:20:07,975 --> 00:20:09,425
No, you...
517
00:20:09,475 --> 00:20:10,900
We think Crane was caught up
518
00:20:10,950 --> 00:20:12,400
in some sort of insurance fraud,
519
00:20:12,450 --> 00:20:14,575
all the way from
here to Liberia.
520
00:20:14,625 --> 00:20:16,575
Okay, okay. And we're gonna
be looking into all that,
521
00:20:16,625 --> 00:20:18,575
- but in the meantime...
- We've all got alibis.
522
00:20:18,625 --> 00:20:19,975
Then you've got
nothing to worry about.
523
00:20:20,025 --> 00:20:21,575
Yeah,
because they'll be easy to check.
524
00:20:21,625 --> 00:20:22,950
We've got an exact
time of death.
525
00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:24,925
But a time-of-death estimate
526
00:20:24,975 --> 00:20:27,825
is only exact to within
maybe one hour, so...
527
00:20:27,875 --> 00:20:29,325
Try one second, gnome-nuts.
528
00:20:30,975 --> 00:20:32,800
The victim had a
defensive wound.
529
00:20:32,850 --> 00:20:34,750
Bullet went right
through his Rolex.
530
00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:38,625
Exact
time of death, 2:14 p.m.
531
00:20:40,550 --> 00:20:42,275
Well, my goodness,
what a relief.
532
00:20:42,325 --> 00:20:43,625
No, I just mean...
533
00:20:43,675 --> 00:20:46,600
Well, you know, the ex-wife,
a bitter divorce.
534
00:20:46,650 --> 00:20:48,600
I'm sure I would've
been the prime suspect.
535
00:20:48,650 --> 00:20:50,300
But I couldn't have
murdered Ellis.
536
00:20:50,350 --> 00:20:52,475
I was with you, Archer.
537
00:20:52,525 --> 00:20:54,100
Remember?
538
00:20:54,150 --> 00:20:56,375
Until almost the stroke of 3:00.
539
00:20:58,725 --> 00:21:00,500
Um...
540
00:21:02,750 --> 00:21:05,250
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