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Happy Valentine's Day

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to all my loves.

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Smooches.
Everyone gets a smooch.

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Oh, give Gene mine.

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I'll take it.

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I hope a certain wife
is ready to be romanced.

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00:00:32,567 --> 00:00:34,458
Huh?
Oh.

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Oh, Bobby.

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A pancake

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shaped like a heart.

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Wow.

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We got the rejects.

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Mine looks like a moustache.

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Pancake rides, five cents.

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I can't see what mine looks
like, but it feels

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00:00:45,257 --> 00:00:46,353
ear-shaped maybe?

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What you doing under
the table, you silly?

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Hiding. I-I mean I'm not here
so I can't go to school.

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But it's Valentine's Day.
You love Valentine's Day.

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Until the St. Valentine's Day
disaster last year. What?

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I'm talking about
Jimmy Jr.'s Valentine card.

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Here, Tina.

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"From"?

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No...!

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My heart was murdered
by the word "from."

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No one says "I from you."

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I'm not going to school today.

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If Tina's not going, I'm not going.

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Scoot over.

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Yeah, we made a pact.

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Everybody out from under there.

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You're all going to school.

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No.
Yes.

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There's a lot of learning
to do down here.

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What's under there?

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Wouldn't you like to know?

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Come on, it's raining,
I'll give you a ride.

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♪ Buckle it up, buckle it up ♪

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♪ Buckle it up
or you'll die. ♪

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So? I'd say I knocked it
out of the park

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with your mother this year.

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Mm, more like a swing and a miss.

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Heart-shaped pancakes
is just as bad as a "from."

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No, it isn't.

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You do the same thing every year, Dad.

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You need to mix it up.
Yeah.

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What? I mix it up.

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I mean, I stick to a central theme,

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hearts, but your mom loves them.

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Yeah, she never gets tired of them.

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Huh?

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Mmm...

54
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Huh?
Oh...

55
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Well?

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Mm...

57
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Hmm.
Grow up, Dad.

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Only kids get to make homemade gifts.

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She deserves something nice this year.

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Mom's a real keeper.

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She's okay.

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So, Lin,

63
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did Bob make another
last-minute

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heart-shaped thing
this year?

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Flapjacks.

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Oh.
Oh.

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Ah, it's all right.

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Valentine's Day isn't about valentines.

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It's about two people being in love.

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♪ Two people ♪

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♪ Together forever ♪

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♪ Security in life ♪

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♪ And someone to love ya ♪

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♪ Instead of being all alone ♪

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♪ Such a lonely existence ♪

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♪ I'd kill myself. ♪

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Tough song.

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It's talking about us, Mort.

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Oh, my God, I'm sorry.

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Going on about love
when you guys don't...

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Have any love...
in the slightest?

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I just got a great idea.

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I'm gonna find love
for both of you today.

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We are gonna do speed dating.

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All right. I could go for that. I'm in.

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I'll make a sign.

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Oh, this is gonna be fun.

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Okay, so what do you think

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your mom wants--
chocolates? Perfume?

90
00:03:01,502 --> 00:03:02,896
We don't think what Mom wants.

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We know what Mom wants.

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Great, what does she want?

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A Grazielda figurine.

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Oh, yeah, those porcelain thingies.

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Okay, I'll-I'll get
one of those. Thanks.

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All right, have a good day, kids.

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Dad, there are hundreds of Grazieldas,

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thousands maybe.

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Taking our jobs, marrying our women.

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00:03:18,709 --> 00:03:21,733
Only we know the exact one Mom wants.

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Yeah, if you pick the wrong one,
it's like you got her nothing!

102
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Okay, so tell me--
which one is it?

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We'll tell you...
at the mall.

104
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Yeah, we should go to the mall.

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My heart will be safe
from Jimmy Jr. there.

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Hey, I'm not taking you out
of school to go to the mall.

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Okay, well, you know,
it's your marriage.

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You're holding up the line.

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Hold on, one minute.

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Hmm, I could stand to wow her.

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Then wow the woman.

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Stop, I'm... wait!
Come on, move it!

113
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You move it!

114
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I'm saying good-bye to my kids!

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You're sure you know?
I know.

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All right, we're going
to the mall then!

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To the mall!
Yeah!

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Okay.

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Eat it, you losers!

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♪ Buckle it up, buckle it up ♪

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♪ Buckle it up
or you'll die. ♪

122
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Okay, we go in, you tell me
which one to buy,

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I get you back
to school by 10:00,

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and you can tell your teachers,
um, you had, uh...

125
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A dyslexic episode!

126
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- Pregnancy.
- Hmm.

127
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Shingles.

128
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Uh, yeah, that's good, fine.

129
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Wow, these are all so corny.

130
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What's so corny about
a puppy under an umbrella?

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All right, so which one
does your mom want?

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That one!
That one!

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That one?
That one.

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Wait a second, you have no clue

135
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which one your mom wants--
you just tricked me

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to get out of school.

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How dare you!

138
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I believed them, too, Dad.

139
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Egg on our face, huh?

140
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Let me guess-- looking
for a Grazielda

141
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for your lovely wife?

142
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Yeah, so which one
is the least expensive?

143
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Oh, this is kind of our starter
figurine-- La Princessa.

144
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She's $250.

145
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What? That's your cheapest?

146
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I don't like that word.

147
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Perhaps you nor your wife are
really serious about Grazieldas.

148
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No, we're not.

149
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Who would be serious

150
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about these things?

151
00:04:53,859 --> 00:04:55,852
Bill Belichick, Peter Frampton,

152
00:04:55,853 --> 00:04:57,844
Linda Lavin to name a few.

153
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Kids, we're leaving.

154
00:05:01,433 --> 00:05:02,795
Welcome, ladies,

155
00:05:02,796 --> 00:05:05,087
to Bob's Burgers' Speed Dating.

156
00:05:05,088 --> 00:05:06,848
You'll have one minute
with these fine gentlemen,

157
00:05:06,849 --> 00:05:08,775
and when you hear this--

158
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Kank-kank-- switch partners.

159
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But if you hear this--
cra-cra-crank--

160
00:05:13,393 --> 00:05:15,153
change topics.

161
00:05:15,154 --> 00:05:17,179
And who's ready to fall in love?

162
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Speed date.

163
00:05:19,041 --> 00:05:21,532
So, Teddy, this is Gina.

164
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You two are now
in pre-love.

165
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We are?
Well, you got 60 seconds

166
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to figure it out.

167
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So, ticktock, let's go.

168
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Uh, I'm Teddy,

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like Linda said earlier.

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Um, what do we talk about?

171
00:05:32,130 --> 00:05:33,759
Uh, I don't know.
What do we talk about?

172
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I want to lick this one
like an envelope, mmm.

173
00:05:36,185 --> 00:05:37,743
Great, mail jokes.

174
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Oh, you're a mailman.

175
00:05:40,635 --> 00:05:42,627
Kids, how about this cell phone cover?

176
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It says, "Got Milf."

177
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That's perfect, right?
For your mom?

178
00:05:46,649 --> 00:05:49,072
I'll get this and then I'll
bring you kids back to school.

179
00:05:49,073 --> 00:05:50,966
School? Let's not get
ahead of ourselves.

180
00:05:50,967 --> 00:05:52,528
Dad, you need to wow her.

181
00:05:52,529 --> 00:05:54,422
This is not gonna wow her.

182
00:05:54,423 --> 00:05:56,018
I thought you were done
half-assing it, Dad.

183
00:05:56,019 --> 00:05:57,677
Why can't you be more romantic?

184
00:05:57,678 --> 00:05:59,008
What? I'm plenty romantic.

185
00:05:59,009 --> 00:06:00,633
Very funny.
Stop goofing.

186
00:06:00,634 --> 00:06:03,292
What was the most romantic
thing you ever did for Mom?

187
00:06:03,293 --> 00:06:04,920
I don't know, I planned stuff.

188
00:06:04,921 --> 00:06:07,212
I planned a whole romantic day
one time.

189
00:06:07,213 --> 00:06:08,540
It was her birthday...

190
00:06:08,541 --> 00:06:10,600
No, wait, it was my birthday...

191
00:06:10,601 --> 00:06:12,293
No, no, no, wait,
it was Valentine's Day.

192
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It was our first
Valentine's Day together.

193
00:06:14,189 --> 00:06:15,884
You are the worst storyteller.

194
00:06:15,885 --> 00:06:18,608
Where's Maya Angelou when you need him?

195
00:06:18,609 --> 00:06:20,533
Yeah, I made a picnic
basket and I picked out a spot

196
00:06:20,534 --> 00:06:22,495
to watch the sunset,
and then my car died.

197
00:06:22,496 --> 00:06:25,484
So we had to get towed
to the mechanic's.

198
00:06:25,485 --> 00:06:28,840
Tell me exactly what was wrong
with the car-- was it a gasket?

199
00:06:28,841 --> 00:06:30,567
Was it the carburetor?

200
00:06:30,568 --> 00:06:32,459
Guys, he's telling
us a romantic story.

201
00:06:32,460 --> 00:06:33,889
While the car was getting fixed,

202
00:06:33,890 --> 00:06:35,551
we went to a bar across the street.

203
00:06:35,552 --> 00:06:37,278
It wasn't the beach at sunset,

204
00:06:37,279 --> 00:06:39,804
- but we, uh, we had a great time.
- Aw.

205
00:06:39,805 --> 00:06:42,992
And there was this old beat-up
machine, like a love tester

206
00:06:42,993 --> 00:06:45,151
or something, and we squeezed
the lever together,

207
00:06:45,152 --> 00:06:46,415
and it said we were "red hot."

208
00:06:46,416 --> 00:06:48,274
And she kissed me and

209
00:06:48,275 --> 00:06:51,432
that's, uh, that's when
I knew we were in love.

210
00:06:51,433 --> 00:06:53,389
That's it. Buy Mom
the love tester.

211
00:06:53,390 --> 00:06:54,921
What do you mean, the actual machine?

212
00:06:54,922 --> 00:06:57,742
Yeah, she'd totally marry
you if you did that.

213
00:06:57,743 --> 00:06:59,439
Dad, do you remember where that bar is?

214
00:06:59,440 --> 00:07:01,164
Will it take all day to find it?

215
00:07:01,165 --> 00:07:03,324
Hmm, I do think I remember where it is.

216
00:07:03,325 --> 00:07:05,849
Oh, really?
We've got a mission.

217
00:07:05,850 --> 00:07:07,310
The most noble
mission there is--

218
00:07:07,311 --> 00:07:08,373
a love mission.

219
00:07:08,374 --> 00:07:10,233
It's a missionary position mission.

220
00:07:10,234 --> 00:07:11,430
Yeah, she'd really like that.

221
00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:13,390
Probably get it for,
like, 50 bucks, tops.

222
00:07:13,391 --> 00:07:14,919
All right, I'll drop you off at school

223
00:07:14,920 --> 00:07:16,680
and then I'll go to the dive bar.

224
00:07:16,681 --> 00:07:17,743
That's crazy.

225
00:07:17,744 --> 00:07:19,669
School is way out of the way.

226
00:07:19,670 --> 00:07:21,232
They're doing construction
on that one street,

227
00:07:21,233 --> 00:07:22,760
it's raining--
what a clusterjam.

228
00:07:22,761 --> 00:07:24,288
We should go with you, Dad.

229
00:07:24,289 --> 00:07:26,879
All right, you can come,
but then right back to...

230
00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:29,039
Uh-uh-uh, not another
word about school.

231
00:07:29,040 --> 00:07:30,600
To the dive bar!

232
00:07:30,601 --> 00:07:31,929
Next dating game...

233
00:07:31,930 --> 00:07:33,755
speed hand holding.

234
00:07:33,756 --> 00:07:34,888
And... hold hands.

235
00:07:34,889 --> 00:07:35,883
Kank-kank!

236
00:07:36,980 --> 00:07:38,274
Teddy, Teddy,

237
00:07:38,275 --> 00:07:39,338
you're gonna hurt her.

238
00:07:39,339 --> 00:07:41,297
You're not trying to crush her.

239
00:07:41,298 --> 00:07:42,859
What?
I don't mind it rough.

240
00:07:42,860 --> 00:07:44,819
Very good, Mort.

241
00:07:44,820 --> 00:07:46,313
You are as limp as can be.

242
00:07:46,314 --> 00:07:48,540
Limp and clammy, my signature hold.

243
00:07:49,539 --> 00:07:51,032
Sergeant Bosco!

244
00:07:51,033 --> 00:07:52,527
What are you doing here?

245
00:07:52,528 --> 00:07:54,752
Someone just robbed a jewelry
store on Front Street.

246
00:07:54,753 --> 00:07:56,013
He fled on foot in this direction

247
00:07:56,014 --> 00:07:57,213
so we're going door-to-door.

248
00:07:57,214 --> 00:07:59,206
Oh.
All we know is he's

249
00:07:59,207 --> 00:08:02,127
five-ten to six-feet tall
with an athletic build.

250
00:08:02,128 --> 00:08:03,890
Eh, none of you guys
fit that description.

251
00:08:03,891 --> 00:08:06,147
Wow, that's harsh. Hey. A few years ago.

252
00:08:06,148 --> 00:08:08,109
Bosco, I couldn't help notice
you don't have a wedding ring.

253
00:08:08,110 --> 00:08:11,130
Did the guy steal that, too?
No, I chucked it into a ravine

254
00:08:11,131 --> 00:08:13,158
after my divorce went through.
Oh.

255
00:08:13,159 --> 00:08:14,519
500 block is negative.

256
00:08:14,520 --> 00:08:15,517
Well, keep looking!

257
00:08:15,518 --> 00:08:16,846
Damn, we had him,

258
00:08:16,847 --> 00:08:17,909
and then we lost him.

259
00:08:17,910 --> 00:08:19,469
Talking to me, Bosco?
No!

260
00:08:19,470 --> 00:08:22,427
Maybe don't leave
your thumb on the button?

261
00:08:22,428 --> 00:08:24,886
Eh, what's going on in here?
Speed dating.

262
00:08:24,887 --> 00:08:27,077
Ladies, I think we've
got a new contestant.

263
00:08:27,078 --> 00:08:29,105
No, no, if I wanted to feel like

264
00:08:29,106 --> 00:08:30,898
a loser, I'd just call my kids.

265
00:08:30,899 --> 00:08:32,957
But this is
Bob's Burgers' Speed Dating.

266
00:08:32,958 --> 00:08:35,118
Ladies and cops eat free.

267
00:08:35,119 --> 00:08:36,745
All right, you got five minutes.

268
00:08:36,746 --> 00:08:38,574
Okay, couple up,
clank-clank!

269
00:08:40,035 --> 00:08:42,858
How can I help you?
Yeah, I was here

270
00:08:42,859 --> 00:08:45,018
about 15 years ago
and I-I played

271
00:08:45,019 --> 00:08:47,078
this old timey-looking
love tester thing.

272
00:08:47,079 --> 00:08:48,406
Do you still have it?

273
00:08:48,407 --> 00:08:50,566
You mean Dr. Love's
Love Testometer?

274
00:08:50,567 --> 00:08:52,725
Yeah, that's it.
He knows it. Hooray.

275
00:08:52,726 --> 00:08:54,654
Eh, the owner sold it a few years ago.

276
00:08:54,655 --> 00:08:55,948
Oh, man.

277
00:08:55,949 --> 00:08:57,974
Do you know who he sold it to?

278
00:08:57,975 --> 00:08:59,535
Nah, no clue, sorry.

279
00:08:59,536 --> 00:09:00,930
I know where it is.

280
00:09:00,931 --> 00:09:02,028
Hugo!
Bob.

281
00:09:02,029 --> 00:09:03,024
Bob.
Ron.

282
00:09:03,025 --> 00:09:04,651
Hugo.
Yes, what?

283
00:09:04,652 --> 00:09:06,712
Oh. You know where the love testometer

284
00:09:06,713 --> 00:09:08,040
that used to be here is?

285
00:09:08,041 --> 00:09:10,333
I do. In fact,
later today I'm inspecting

286
00:09:10,334 --> 00:09:12,724
the establishment where
it's currently testometering.

287
00:09:12,725 --> 00:09:15,018
That's great. I think you
should invest in new soap

288
00:09:15,019 --> 00:09:18,273
for your bathroom before you
purchase vintage amusements.

289
00:09:18,274 --> 00:09:20,665
You think soap's the
problem with our bathroom?

290
00:09:20,666 --> 00:09:22,260
But it's not for the restaurant.

291
00:09:22,261 --> 00:09:23,689
It's my Valentine's Day gift for Linda.

292
00:09:23,690 --> 00:09:25,947
Oops, I just forgot where it is.

293
00:09:25,948 --> 00:09:26,878
Oh, come on.

294
00:09:26,879 --> 00:09:28,471
I'm not helping you buy Linda

295
00:09:28,472 --> 00:09:29,869
a romantic Valentine's gift.

296
00:09:29,870 --> 00:09:31,795
Maybe you should tell him, Hugo.

297
00:09:31,796 --> 00:09:33,888
Maybe I don't want to hear it, Ron.
All right.

298
00:09:33,889 --> 00:09:35,583
You're such a jerk, Hugo,
you know that?

299
00:09:35,584 --> 00:09:38,239
There are 97 bars and restaurants

300
00:09:38,240 --> 00:09:40,366
in my expansive jurisdiction.

301
00:09:40,367 --> 00:09:41,895
Good luck finding it, Bob.

302
00:09:44,587 --> 00:09:46,611
Back to the mall, I guess.

303
00:09:46,612 --> 00:09:48,539
Don't take this lying down, Dad.

304
00:09:48,540 --> 00:09:50,831
But Hugo won't tell us
where the testometer is.

305
00:09:50,832 --> 00:09:53,255
He said he's inspecting
the place today.

306
00:09:53,256 --> 00:09:56,345
So, okay, so what day is it?

307
00:09:56,346 --> 00:09:57,476
It's today.
Right.

308
00:09:57,477 --> 00:09:59,136
So you have to follow him.

309
00:09:59,137 --> 00:10:01,296
Yes! It's Valentine's Day, damn it.

310
00:10:01,297 --> 00:10:03,357
You're right. He'll lead us
right to the love testometer.

311
00:10:03,358 --> 00:10:05,084
Let's ride.
Hyah!

312
00:10:05,085 --> 00:10:06,778
But let's get a hot chocolate

313
00:10:06,779 --> 00:10:08,140
or something first.

314
00:10:08,141 --> 00:10:09,368
It's all rainy out.
Great idea, Eugene.

315
00:10:09,369 --> 00:10:10,632
Whoo-hoo.
Mm-hmm.

316
00:10:14,055 --> 00:10:15,812
You're too close!

317
00:10:15,813 --> 00:10:17,675
He'll see us.
I know what I'm doing.

318
00:10:17,676 --> 00:10:19,269
I've got a buffer car.

319
00:10:19,270 --> 00:10:20,665
You're gonna lead us
right to the testometer.

320
00:10:20,666 --> 00:10:22,724
And... we lost him.

321
00:10:22,725 --> 00:10:24,550
We didn't lose him, we'll catch up.

322
00:10:24,551 --> 00:10:25,547
I can still see him.

323
00:10:25,548 --> 00:10:26,712
Look, he's turning.

324
00:10:26,713 --> 00:10:28,305
No, no, no, don't turn.

325
00:10:28,306 --> 00:10:30,001
All right, uh...

326
00:10:30,002 --> 00:10:33,389
Let's see if I can safely go
through this red light.

327
00:10:33,390 --> 00:10:35,448
We're losing him. Drive!
It's safe! It's safe!

328
00:10:35,449 --> 00:10:37,276
Oh, sorry.

329
00:10:37,277 --> 00:10:38,506
Sorr... I'll go.

330
00:10:38,507 --> 00:10:41,162
I'll go... Stop!

331
00:10:41,163 --> 00:10:42,194
Okay!

332
00:10:42,195 --> 00:10:44,486
I'm... I'm in the FBI.

333
00:10:44,487 --> 00:10:46,976
It's, uh, uh...
it's official business!

334
00:10:46,977 --> 00:10:48,439
S-Sorry.

335
00:10:48,440 --> 00:10:50,133
Kank-kank.
All right, new game.

336
00:10:50,134 --> 00:10:52,093
Everyone say your favorite food.

337
00:10:52,094 --> 00:10:53,090
Go.

338
00:10:53,091 --> 00:10:54,483
Soy sauce.
Wax lips?

339
00:10:54,484 --> 00:10:56,312
Plain white rice.
Fried green tomatoes.

340
00:10:56,313 --> 00:10:58,471
Favorite love-making position.
Go!

341
00:10:58,472 --> 00:10:59,966
The Fried Green Tomato.

342
00:10:59,967 --> 00:11:01,327
The Pick n' Roll.
The Broken Sprinkler.

343
00:11:01,328 --> 00:11:03,022
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
The Sticky Wicket.

344
00:11:03,023 --> 00:11:04,918
No, no, no. Getting people
to say their favorite things

345
00:11:04,919 --> 00:11:06,245
isn't gonna work.

346
00:11:06,246 --> 00:11:08,338
Sure it is. If you
like the same food

347
00:11:08,339 --> 00:11:10,100
or sex angles, you're compatible.

348
00:11:10,101 --> 00:11:11,992
I'd do the exact opposite.

349
00:11:11,993 --> 00:11:14,452
I'd make everyone say the worst
thing about themselves,

350
00:11:14,453 --> 00:11:17,143
the most embarrassing, darkest secret.

351
00:11:17,144 --> 00:11:20,398
If the other person can
stomach you for another second,

352
00:11:20,399 --> 00:11:23,255
then maybe you have
a chance together, maybe.

353
00:11:23,256 --> 00:11:26,179
What? That is the
least romantic...

354
00:11:26,180 --> 00:11:27,874
I want to do it. Let's do it. I'm game.

355
00:11:27,875 --> 00:11:29,368
No.
I'll go first.

356
00:11:29,369 --> 00:11:30,930
Hi there.
I'm part of a secret society.

357
00:11:30,931 --> 00:11:32,325
We hunt men for sport.

358
00:11:32,326 --> 00:11:35,248
Hello. I've had
a yeast infection for ten years.

359
00:11:35,249 --> 00:11:37,342
Stop. Oh, Gina, no.

360
00:11:37,343 --> 00:11:39,833
Sometimes I just put the mail
down the storm drain.

361
00:11:39,834 --> 00:11:41,528
I knew it. I knew it.
Yeah, there you go.

362
00:11:41,529 --> 00:11:43,321
I called in a bomb threat once

363
00:11:43,322 --> 00:11:45,413
'cause I heard Mark Harmon
was staying at this hotel.

364
00:11:45,414 --> 00:11:47,805
I wanted to see him evacuate,
and then I stalked him

365
00:11:47,806 --> 00:11:49,401
for a year and hit
his wife with my car.

366
00:11:49,402 --> 00:11:50,830
No, stop it.

367
00:11:50,831 --> 00:11:52,157
Saying icky stuff about yourselves

368
00:11:52,158 --> 00:11:54,020
isn't what Valentine's Day is about.

369
00:11:54,021 --> 00:11:56,245
Now, stop it.
Well, it's what love's about.

370
00:11:56,246 --> 00:11:58,902
And if you women can handle my baggage,

371
00:11:58,903 --> 00:12:01,228
then you can fly with me,
but bring a sick bag,

372
00:12:01,229 --> 00:12:02,988
'cause it's gonna be a real bumpy ride.

373
00:12:02,989 --> 00:12:04,351
Clean-up, aisle
my panties.

374
00:12:04,352 --> 00:12:06,345
No.

375
00:12:12,225 --> 00:12:14,085
Psst, over here.
Huh?

376
00:12:14,086 --> 00:12:15,648
Hey, do you have
a coin-operated machine

377
00:12:15,649 --> 00:12:17,174
in there that predicts love?

378
00:12:17,175 --> 00:12:18,405
Can't I just take out the trash

379
00:12:18,406 --> 00:12:20,664
one time without getting
hit on by some perv?

380
00:12:20,665 --> 00:12:23,221
He may be a perv, but that's my dad.

381
00:12:23,222 --> 00:12:25,116
Hugo's gonna take forever.

382
00:12:25,117 --> 00:12:27,207
We wouldn't have to wait
for Hugo to lead us

383
00:12:27,208 --> 00:12:30,066
to the next place if we
found out where he's going.

384
00:12:34,085 --> 00:12:35,912
It's locked.

385
00:12:35,913 --> 00:12:37,042
But the window's open a crack.

386
00:12:37,043 --> 00:12:39,069
Maybe we can find a hanger or...

387
00:12:39,070 --> 00:12:40,332
Hangers are for Sunday school clothes.

388
00:12:40,333 --> 00:12:41,860
Bring me a rock.

389
00:12:41,861 --> 00:12:43,156
We're not smashing the window.

390
00:12:43,157 --> 00:12:44,815
It'll look like the rain did it.

391
00:12:44,816 --> 00:12:46,046
Do it.
Get that clipboard.

392
00:12:46,047 --> 00:12:48,039
Gene, stop.
- Uh, thanks.

393
00:12:48,040 --> 00:12:49,665
Hugo would have blamed me for that.

394
00:12:49,666 --> 00:12:50,994
Oh, hey. Hi, Ron. This is...

395
00:12:50,995 --> 00:12:52,722
Ron, what are you doing here?
Hey!

396
00:12:52,723 --> 00:12:54,085
This not my van.
We were just gonna

397
00:12:54,086 --> 00:12:56,178
get some ice cream
from this truck here.

398
00:12:56,179 --> 00:12:57,839
We're just getting the clipboard.

399
00:12:57,840 --> 00:13:00,000
Listen, Hugo's wrong
not to help you out.

400
00:13:00,001 --> 00:13:02,024
I don't know which place
has the testometer,

401
00:13:02,025 --> 00:13:03,654
but, uh, this is
where we're going today.

402
00:13:03,655 --> 00:13:04,947
Hey, thanks, Ron.

403
00:13:04,948 --> 00:13:06,575
You know, we'll check those places out.

404
00:13:06,576 --> 00:13:07,971
You're a good guy to help us.

405
00:13:07,972 --> 00:13:09,035
You're a great guy.

406
00:13:09,036 --> 00:13:10,729
I look up to you, man.
Oh.

407
00:13:10,730 --> 00:13:12,157
I wouldn't mind having
a friend like you.

408
00:13:12,158 --> 00:13:14,019
Okay, let's go, kids.
Thanks again, Ron.

409
00:13:14,020 --> 00:13:15,017
See you.

410
00:13:15,018 --> 00:13:16,709
♪ Falafel ♪

411
00:13:16,710 --> 00:13:19,068
♪ We're on a love mission ♪

412
00:13:19,069 --> 00:13:21,028
♪ Pizza ♪

413
00:13:21,029 --> 00:13:23,520
♪ We're on a love mission ♪

414
00:13:23,521 --> 00:13:24,915
♪ All the rest ♪

415
00:13:24,916 --> 00:13:27,041
♪ We're on a love mission. ♪

416
00:13:27,042 --> 00:13:29,665
Kids, uh, stay outside.

417
00:13:29,666 --> 00:13:30,930
Excuse me, sir, do you have

418
00:13:30,931 --> 00:13:32,920
something called the love testometer?

419
00:13:32,921 --> 00:13:34,749
I got your love testometer
right here, pal.

420
00:13:34,750 --> 00:13:36,941
That goes in the buttbank.

421
00:13:36,942 --> 00:13:39,399
Yah!

422
00:13:39,400 --> 00:13:41,725
Yah! Hyah!

423
00:13:41,726 --> 00:13:43,684
Well, this is the last place
on the list.

424
00:13:43,685 --> 00:13:44,850
It better be here.

425
00:13:46,045 --> 00:13:47,539
I'll have a seven and seven.

426
00:13:47,540 --> 00:13:48,900
No! Make it an
eight and eight.

427
00:13:48,901 --> 00:13:50,065
Make mine a double, would you?

428
00:13:50,066 --> 00:13:51,891
A 16 and 16, thank you.

429
00:13:51,892 --> 00:13:52,956
I'm good with water.

430
00:13:52,957 --> 00:13:55,314
No, wait.
Um, yeah, just water.

431
00:13:55,315 --> 00:13:57,872
Kids, please. Look, I-I've
been driving all over,

432
00:13:57,873 --> 00:14:00,030
trying to find my wife
this Valentine's gift,

433
00:14:00,031 --> 00:14:01,526
and you're my last hope.

434
00:14:01,527 --> 00:14:02,823
Everybody loves these tiny umbrellas.

435
00:14:02,824 --> 00:14:04,383
How many does she want?

436
00:14:04,384 --> 00:14:05,746
No, no, no.
I'm actually looking

437
00:14:05,746 --> 00:14:07,505
for Dr. Love's Love Testometer.

438
00:14:07,506 --> 00:14:09,730
Please say you have it;
I want to buy it from you.

439
00:14:09,731 --> 00:14:11,425
You want to buy my love testometer?

440
00:14:11,426 --> 00:14:12,723
You-you actually have it?

441
00:14:12,724 --> 00:14:14,350
Yeah, it's right over there.

442
00:14:14,351 --> 00:14:15,347
It's exactly as I remembered.

443
00:14:15,348 --> 00:14:17,539
It's beautiful.

444
00:14:17,540 --> 00:14:19,232
I'd love to sell it to you.
Great!

445
00:14:19,233 --> 00:14:20,696
But I can't, I already sold it.

446
00:14:20,697 --> 00:14:21,858
Hello, Bob.

447
00:14:21,858 --> 00:14:24,483
Lookie what I just boughtie.

448
00:14:28,403 --> 00:14:30,197
Odd bumping into you here, Bob.

449
00:14:30,198 --> 00:14:31,360
Oh, wait. No, it's not.

450
00:14:31,361 --> 00:14:32,888
I knew you were coming, thanks to

451
00:14:32,889 --> 00:14:35,446
Mr. Opens-the-van-for-anyone
over here.

452
00:14:35,447 --> 00:14:37,539
Hugo noticed the missing
carbon copy from the clipboard.

453
00:14:37,540 --> 00:14:39,432
Nerd.

454
00:14:39,433 --> 00:14:41,692
Now Ron's not allowed to ride
up front with me in the van.

455
00:14:41,693 --> 00:14:43,220
Come on, Dad,

456
00:14:43,221 --> 00:14:44,581
you need to get that
testometer for Mom.

457
00:14:44,582 --> 00:14:45,746
I'm starting to disappear.

458
00:14:45,747 --> 00:14:47,305
How much did he pay for that?

459
00:14:47,306 --> 00:14:49,663
A hundred bucks for that junk.
 All right.

460
00:14:49,664 --> 00:14:51,593
Hugo, please sell me
the love testometer.

461
00:14:51,594 --> 00:14:54,648
Uh, no. Hugo, this isn't
about me and you.

462
00:14:54,649 --> 00:14:56,509
This is about giving a woman a gift

463
00:14:56,510 --> 00:14:59,232
to make up for years of-of...

464
00:14:59,233 --> 00:15:01,657
Crap?
Well, not quite crap, Tina.

465
00:15:01,658 --> 00:15:03,387
Last-minute nothings?
Crap.

466
00:15:03,388 --> 00:15:04,682
Listen, Hugo, please sell it to me.

467
00:15:04,683 --> 00:15:06,111
Linda deserves it.

468
00:15:08,670 --> 00:15:11,459
Okay, Bob, I will sell it to you.

469
00:15:12,290 --> 00:15:13,652
For $500.

470
00:15:13,653 --> 00:15:15,245
But you only paid $100.

471
00:15:15,246 --> 00:15:17,106
$500?
Is that thing magic?

472
00:15:17,107 --> 00:15:18,269
You want it or not, Bob?

473
00:15:18,270 --> 00:15:19,533
Of course he wants it.

474
00:15:19,534 --> 00:15:21,160
It's just his money's all tied up

475
00:15:21,161 --> 00:15:22,357
in real estate right now so...

476
00:15:22,358 --> 00:15:24,417
Do you take fake credit cards?

477
00:15:26,044 --> 00:15:27,705
All right, fine.

478
00:15:27,706 --> 00:15:29,763
Another thing about me,
I'm hooked on pills.

479
00:15:29,764 --> 00:15:32,055
The bad kind that make you feel good.

480
00:15:32,056 --> 00:15:35,279
I like to play with a yo-yo,
so something comes back to me.

481
00:15:35,280 --> 00:15:37,006
People, enough with the confessions.

482
00:15:37,007 --> 00:15:38,271
You should know that

483
00:15:38,272 --> 00:15:40,328
there's hardwood under this carpet.

484
00:15:40,329 --> 00:15:41,658
Yeah, there you go.

485
00:15:41,659 --> 00:15:44,182
Stop, Mort, keep that carpet on.

486
00:15:44,183 --> 00:15:45,710
Damn it, Sergeant Bosco.

487
00:15:45,711 --> 00:15:48,369
You're infecting everyone
with your poison.

488
00:15:48,370 --> 00:15:51,027
Don't you have a jewelry store
thief to catch or something?

489
00:15:51,028 --> 00:15:53,185
That's why I have one of these;
it's called a radio.

490
00:15:53,186 --> 00:15:55,114
And one of these;
it's called a gun.

491
00:15:55,115 --> 00:15:56,641
Yeah, well, what you don't have

492
00:15:56,642 --> 00:15:58,103
is one of these.

493
00:15:58,104 --> 00:16:00,196
A heart.

494
00:16:00,197 --> 00:16:02,057
Mmm.
Ugh.

495
00:16:03,221 --> 00:16:05,378
Pleasure doing business with you, Bob.

496
00:16:05,379 --> 00:16:08,036
Wow. Now you won't have to get
Mom another gift for 30 years.

497
00:16:08,037 --> 00:16:10,129
Yup. This is the best
present ever,

498
00:16:10,130 --> 00:16:11,857
a living memory.

499
00:16:11,858 --> 00:16:14,017
Your Mom and I even carved
our initials on the side. See?

500
00:16:14,018 --> 00:16:16,110
Who's "BB"?
Bob Belcher.

501
00:16:16,111 --> 00:16:18,335
No, who's the other "BB"?

502
00:16:18,336 --> 00:16:20,992
Uh, what other...

503
00:16:20,993 --> 00:16:22,055
Oh, God.

504
00:16:25,213 --> 00:16:27,471
This is fun.
What?

505
00:16:27,472 --> 00:16:29,232
Barbara Bunkley!

506
00:16:29,233 --> 00:16:32,056
Oh, how could I have forgotten
that Valentine's Day was

507
00:16:32,057 --> 00:16:33,121
with Barbara Bunkley?

508
00:16:33,122 --> 00:16:35,079
Who is Barbara Bunkley?

509
00:16:35,080 --> 00:16:37,238
What was I thinking?
Barbara Bunkley!

510
00:16:37,239 --> 00:16:39,498
Will someone please tell me
who Barbara Bunkley is?!

511
00:16:39,499 --> 00:16:42,056
I'm guessing it's our real mom.

512
00:16:42,057 --> 00:16:44,049
And she's beautiful and sporty.

513
00:16:44,050 --> 00:16:45,477
She was my girlfriend

514
00:16:45,478 --> 00:16:47,040
the year before I met your mother.

515
00:16:47,041 --> 00:16:48,900
I can't believe that.

516
00:16:48,901 --> 00:16:52,055
The date I'm remembering
wasn't with your mom.

517
00:16:52,056 --> 00:16:53,152
What a moron!

518
00:16:53,153 --> 00:16:55,144
So this love mission was a sham?

519
00:16:55,145 --> 00:16:56,971
Hugo, I don't want it anymore.

520
00:16:56,972 --> 00:16:58,103
Take this stupid thing back.

521
00:16:58,104 --> 00:17:00,727
Oh, no, Bob, no refunds.

522
00:17:03,784 --> 00:17:05,345
Okay, okay, there we go.

523
00:17:05,346 --> 00:17:07,770
I guess we're a little
short on women, huh?

524
00:17:07,771 --> 00:17:10,029
Yeah, yeah, work those nubs.

525
00:17:10,030 --> 00:17:11,723
Ooh, that's it, right there.

526
00:17:11,724 --> 00:17:12,820
Another hard truth about me...

527
00:17:12,821 --> 00:17:14,281
Oh, you stupid...

528
00:17:14,282 --> 00:17:15,809
I pepper-sprayed my barber,

529
00:17:15,810 --> 00:17:17,103
but I mean, look at this.

530
00:17:18,102 --> 00:17:19,332
Here it goes.

531
00:17:19,333 --> 00:17:21,026
I dress up as Santa every night.

532
00:17:21,027 --> 00:17:22,853
It's the only way I can go to sleep.

533
00:17:22,854 --> 00:17:25,277
Uh... What, Miss ten-year
yeast infection.

534
00:17:25,278 --> 00:17:27,935
See a doctor, why don't you?

535
00:17:28,968 --> 00:17:30,693
I have a prison pen pal.

536
00:17:30,694 --> 00:17:31,754
He thinks my name is Michelle.

537
00:17:31,755 --> 00:17:33,151
Technically he's my fiancé.

538
00:17:33,152 --> 00:17:35,609
I also ran over
Vinny Testaverde's wife.

539
00:17:35,610 --> 00:17:38,101
Oh, that's it!

540
00:17:38,102 --> 00:17:41,790
Everyone needs to stop listening
to this cruddy duddy right now!

541
00:17:41,791 --> 00:17:43,782
Kank-kank-kank.

542
00:17:43,783 --> 00:17:45,110
Too bad, Linda, you just

543
00:17:45,111 --> 00:17:46,905
don't know anything about dating.

544
00:17:46,906 --> 00:17:48,734
Yes, I do.

545
00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:50,692
Then why is everyone listening to me?
They're not.

546
00:17:50,693 --> 00:17:52,686
They are.
Oh, yeah, well, without this...

547
00:17:52,687 --> 00:17:54,779
Whoa!

548
00:17:54,780 --> 00:17:56,772
...no one's gonna listen
to you anymore, tough guy.

549
00:17:56,773 --> 00:17:59,762
Yeppity-do, da-da-da.
Sha-ba-da-ba-bum.

550
00:17:59,763 --> 00:18:03,051
Uh, Lin, I don't think you can
take a police officer's gun.

551
00:18:03,052 --> 00:18:04,879
Sure I can. I
just did. Look.

552
00:18:04,880 --> 00:18:06,474
No, I mean, by law.

553
00:18:06,475 --> 00:18:09,629
Do you have any idea
what you've just done?

554
00:18:09,630 --> 00:18:10,992
No. Kind of.

555
00:18:10,993 --> 00:18:12,454
Is it bad?

556
00:18:12,454 --> 00:18:13,717
You're under arrest.

557
00:18:14,879 --> 00:18:15,976
Oof, oof, tight.

558
00:18:15,977 --> 00:18:17,437
Too tight.

559
00:18:17,438 --> 00:18:19,133
Shush. One size
fits all. Shut up.

560
00:18:19,134 --> 00:18:21,656
What's going on?
Mommy's getting arrested.

561
00:18:21,657 --> 00:18:23,948
What? Whoa-ho-ho, I thought Dad blew it.

562
00:18:23,949 --> 00:18:26,772
Yeah, well, Mommy blew it
real bad here today.

563
00:18:26,773 --> 00:18:28,700
She blew it. Oh.
What's going on

564
00:18:28,701 --> 00:18:30,626
is taking an officer's
sidearm is a felony.

565
00:18:30,627 --> 00:18:32,453
Whoa, Mom, you took his gun?

566
00:18:32,454 --> 00:18:33,651
She sure did, Louise.

567
00:18:33,652 --> 00:18:35,975
I just wanted to get control
of speed dating.

568
00:18:35,976 --> 00:18:38,767
That does not seem like a thing
you would need a gun for.

569
00:18:38,768 --> 00:18:40,659
Where have you been, Bobby?

570
00:18:40,660 --> 00:18:41,887
We spent all day helping Dad

571
00:18:41,888 --> 00:18:43,516
get you the perfect Valentine's gift.

572
00:18:43,517 --> 00:18:45,510
All day? You kids
weren't at school?

573
00:18:45,511 --> 00:18:46,771
Dad sprung us.

574
00:18:46,772 --> 00:18:48,632
I wanted to do something
special for you today.

575
00:18:48,633 --> 00:18:50,924
We... we went all over
town trying to find this thing

576
00:18:50,925 --> 00:18:52,620
from our first
Valentine's Day together.

577
00:18:52,621 --> 00:18:54,614
Dad ran a red light.
We went to Chinatown.

578
00:18:54,615 --> 00:18:56,075
And Pickles.
Pickles?

579
00:18:56,076 --> 00:18:57,935
And I spent $500 on it,

580
00:18:57,936 --> 00:19:00,325
but it wasn't from our first
Valentine's Day together.

581
00:19:00,326 --> 00:19:02,719
It was from a Valentine's Day
I spent with Barbara Bunkley.

582
00:19:02,720 --> 00:19:04,414
I remembered it wrong.

583
00:19:04,415 --> 00:19:05,908
I'm so sorry,
I'm... I'm an idiot.

584
00:19:05,909 --> 00:19:07,470
So you're telling me

585
00:19:07,471 --> 00:19:10,493
you let the kids play hooky
to run all over town

586
00:19:10,494 --> 00:19:12,586
to hunt down some
expensive thing you remembered

587
00:19:12,587 --> 00:19:14,248
from a date we didn't even go on?

588
00:19:14,249 --> 00:19:15,244
Yes.

589
00:19:15,245 --> 00:19:16,838
That... is...

590
00:19:16,839 --> 00:19:19,431
so romantic!

591
00:19:19,432 --> 00:19:21,290
Aw.
Aw.

592
00:19:21,291 --> 00:19:23,217
What?
Oh, Bobby!

593
00:19:23,218 --> 00:19:24,678
You went through all
that trouble for me.

594
00:19:24,679 --> 00:19:26,673
This is the best Valentine's Day ever.

595
00:19:26,674 --> 00:19:27,867
Ever!

596
00:19:27,868 --> 00:19:29,529
Give me that.

597
00:19:29,530 --> 00:19:31,489
So you came here for speed dating?

598
00:19:31,490 --> 00:19:32,949
No. A jewelry store
got robbed.

599
00:19:32,950 --> 00:19:34,478
The suspect was spotted in the area.

600
00:19:34,479 --> 00:19:35,875
But you stayed for speed dating? Yeah.

601
00:19:35,876 --> 00:19:39,197
You must be hard up for chicks. Yup.

602
00:19:39,198 --> 00:19:41,392
I'm sorry I'm getting
arrested on Valentine's Day.

603
00:19:41,393 --> 00:19:42,452
Come here.

604
00:19:42,453 --> 00:19:44,148
Ow. Ow.

605
00:19:44,149 --> 00:19:45,476
So, uh... what,

606
00:19:45,477 --> 00:19:47,470
I'll-I'll follow you two
down to the station?

607
00:19:47,471 --> 00:19:49,428
Yep. This little lady
is going right to...

608
00:19:49,429 --> 00:19:50,593
Shh! Shh!
Wait! Shut up! Shut up!

609
00:19:50,594 --> 00:19:52,286
Be advised.

610
00:19:52,287 --> 00:19:54,712
Jewelry store suspect spotted
at 15th and Grand.

611
00:19:54,713 --> 00:19:56,471
All right, I'm on my
way. You, follow me.

612
00:19:56,472 --> 00:19:58,135
Well, I guess it's your lucky day.

613
00:19:58,136 --> 00:20:00,258
You talking to me?
No, for God's sake.

614
00:20:00,259 --> 00:20:01,556
I'll show you how to use the radio

615
00:20:01,557 --> 00:20:03,083
when you get back to the station.

616
00:20:03,084 --> 00:20:04,379
Oh!

617
00:20:04,380 --> 00:20:06,271
It's so easy to call in a false tip.

618
00:20:06,272 --> 00:20:08,068
Those streets don't even intersect.

619
00:20:08,069 --> 00:20:09,396
Hi, Tina.

620
00:20:09,397 --> 00:20:11,355
Hi, Jimmy, Jr.
You weren't at school today,

621
00:20:11,356 --> 00:20:12,586
so I brought you your homework.

622
00:20:12,587 --> 00:20:15,542
Thanks.
And a Valentine's card.

623
00:20:18,300 --> 00:20:20,227
Aren't you gonna open it?

624
00:20:21,557 --> 00:20:23,547
"Heart"

625
00:20:23,548 --> 00:20:25,275
not "from." Yes.

626
00:20:25,276 --> 00:20:27,435
So, see you at school tomorrow.

627
00:20:27,436 --> 00:20:29,297
I'd really "heart" that.

628
00:20:29,298 --> 00:20:30,358
Uh, what?

629
00:20:30,359 --> 00:20:31,588
I'd really "hea..."

630
00:20:31,589 --> 00:20:33,182
I got to get going.
Yeah, me, too.

631
00:20:33,183 --> 00:20:34,646
So, that, uh, stuff you said earlier,

632
00:20:34,647 --> 00:20:36,506
that's the worst about you?

633
00:20:36,507 --> 00:20:38,597
Yup. That's it.
Oh, except for one time...

634
00:20:38,598 --> 00:20:40,193
Oh, oh, oh!
Don't say it.

635
00:20:40,194 --> 00:20:41,953
Here's my number.

636
00:20:41,954 --> 00:20:43,181
Hey, I made a match!

637
00:20:43,182 --> 00:20:44,314
I bet I screw this up.

638
00:20:44,315 --> 00:20:47,933
Kank-kank-kank.

639
00:20:50,226 --> 00:20:51,522
♪ Two people ♪

640
00:20:51,523 --> 00:20:53,182
♪ Together forever ♪

641
00:20:53,183 --> 00:20:54,446
♪ Security in life ♪

642
00:20:54,447 --> 00:20:56,606
♪ And someone to love ya ♪

643
00:20:56,607 --> 00:20:58,597
♪ Instead of being all alone ♪

644
00:20:58,598 --> 00:21:02,087
♪ Such a lonely existence ♪

645
00:21:07,369 --> 00:21:08,863
♪ Two people ♪

646
00:21:08,864 --> 00:21:10,292
♪ Together forever ♪

647
00:21:10,293 --> 00:21:11,523
♪ Security in life ♪

648
00:21:11,524 --> 00:21:13,480
♪ And someone to love ya ♪

649
00:21:13,481 --> 00:21:15,275
♪ Instead of being all alone ♪

650
00:21:15,276 --> 00:21:17,103
♪ Such a lonely existence ♪

651
00:21:17,104 --> 00:21:19,097
♪ I'd kill myself. ♪

652
00:21:20,305 --> 00:22:20,679
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