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Gene, you almost done
scraping the gum off the bottom of the counter?
Yeah! And I'm almost done with Gumhead.
Here you go, Gumhead.
Num, num, num, num, num, num! More gum!
Gene, knock it off. I know you think you're helping,
- but you're not. - I don't think I'm helping.
All right, step right up.
Which cup is the creamer under, Tina?
Keep your eye on the creamer, little lady.
- Where's it going? Where's it going? - Louise.
- Yeah, Dad? Do you know where the cream is? - No.
All right, then stay out of it.
- Is it here? Is it this one? Is it that one? - Uh...
Huh, huh, huh, huh.
- This one? - Wrong!
- Now you have to drink it. - Ugh. Okay.
Tina, Louise, enough, and get back to work.
This is a big weekend for us. It's Fleet Week!
Yay! Feet Week!
No. Fleet Week.
Why would there be a Feet Week? I don't know.
There's Arbor Day. Who needs that?
Any minute now, sailors will be
pouring through that door, wanting burgers and beer.
Mostly beer, but still.
Excuse me, sir, but I need to inspect your table for gum.
Gene, get out of there. No! Gumhead needs lips!
Give me the Gumhead. Mm, no!
Give me your Gumhead!
I'm sorry, sir. Gene!
Give me back my son! I just need to breathe life into him!
All right, Tina, new game, new game.
Keep your eye on the cream.
Try not to blink.
Gene, don't hit your mother. Linda, don't kick him!
You missed it! Wrong! Drink it! Drink it!
Louise? Uh, check, please?
- Gene? - Aah!
Damn it! I cut my hand!
Oh, somebody pee on it!
I just went pee! This is a disaster!
Oh. Never mind. It's okay.
I'm not bleeding. False alarm.
Phew! You had me worried there.
You get so woozy when you bleed.
Remember that time he flossed?
He passed out right into the toilet.
Oh, whoa, whoa. Wait. That's why I never floss.
Blood is your teeth's way of saying,
"Mind your own business!"
- I only floss on my birthday... - Guys.
...so I can look back on the year and remember what I ate.
Plus, he can't clot to save his life.
He bleeds forever. It's gross.
I'm act... I'm actually bleeding here.
(distorted): Bobby?
You... okay?
I'm fine. It's just a little bluh...
(Bob sighs)
What am I doing down here?
- You passed out, Dad. - No, I didn't.
Pretty sure you did.
Maybe you took a little catnap.
I didn't pass out, Tina.
Aw, my little Wobbly Bobbly.
Hmm. Oh, crap. All right.
We got to finish prepping for the lunch rush.
- Uh-uh. - No, I'll be fine, Lin.
I don't know.
You got cut right in the old finger crotch.
Oh, no! Not the family finger crotch jewels!
Guys, I said it's fine. It's not even...
(mumbling): No. Oh, God.
Okay, okay, let's go. (groans)
You're not gonna stop bleeding.
Okay, I-I might need a couple stitches.
Linda, you have to stay for the lunch rush.
I'll drive myself.
It's not gonna be a prob... (mumbles)
Oh! Oh, you're not driving.
Come on, give me the keys.
We'll just have to close for lunch.
We'll be back in a few hours.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
We could run the restaurant.
- No, no. - Yeah, we can do it.
We'll just tell people that Dad's in the shower
and Mom's on the toilet.
Why do I have to be on the toilet?
- Fine, you can both be on the toilet. - And Dad went out
for a pack of smokes and never came back.
No, no, no. We're closing the restaurant
and we're going to the hospital, all right?
Kids, upstairs. Tina, you're babysitting.
Countdown to babysitting.
Excitement begins now.
100, 99, 98...
Four, three,
two, one.
Who's ready for some fun?
I can't hear you.
I'd be open to fun.
Let's see here.
We can play Torpedo, Surgery Sam,
or if we need to blow off some steam,
we can make a get-well card for Dad.
"Happy stitches, Dad. You deserve it."
Or how about, "Stitch, please!"
Ugh, I don't want to make cards.
I want to make money!
I say we go down there, and we open up for business.
Yeah.
But Mom and Dad will be home in an hour.
Maybe we could play pretend restaurant?
I'm restocking the napkin dispenser.
Gene, you go clean the floors.
If we're pretending, I'm...
I'll make fresh mozzarella.
We're not making money in this fake restaurant, Tina!
Not yet, but we're building good pretend word of mouth.
Oh! This is gonna be the longest hour of my life.
Wait till childbirth, girlfriend.
In and out, two stitches, five minutes. Here we go.
We're doing it.
(coughing)
- Whoa. - Ooh.
Okay, Mom. The bad news is,
Mom and Dad are gonna take longer than they expected.
The good news is, now we have more time for activities.
(singsongy): Like more pretending.
Should we pretend we have a dog and give it medicine?
I've got an activity for you.
It's called... (sings fanfare)
...opening the restaurant.
- Ah. - Whoa.
The kids are running Bob's Burgers, and this time
it's personal!
I'm gonna personally run it into the ground!
Wait. Why is that personal?
- Tina, shush. - Okay.
We finally get to run the restaurant.
And we're gonna do it right.
Let's see.
We can blow that wall out, put the drive-thru there.
No! We need 200 chickens.
From now on, we only serve poultry!
No, we only serve kale.
And we should replace our chairs with treadmills.
We'll be the healthiest restaurant in town.
- People will leave hungry. - No, no.
We want fat people who can't leave our restaurant.
No, treadmills. Chicken!
- Treadmills. - Chicken on a treadmill, last offer.
Okay.
(door bells tinkle)
Welcome to McChickies. What can I put in your beak?
Uh... I'll have a cheeseburger and fries?
Great, and for only two dollars more,
you can have your burger chickenized. Ba-kok!
No, I don't think I want that.
I could offer you a kale-sserole.
Or a kale-sadilla.
You know what? I forgot to feed the meter.
Didn't you just get off a boat?
It's the... boat meter. Got to go!
Wait. I made a chicken hat.
Did you not notice it?
Okay, guys, bring it in. Ugh!
Why did we ever think a restaurant was a good idea?
We've watched Mom and Dad fail at it for years.
They make failing look so easy. How do they do it?!
But what if there was a restaurant
that didn't serve any food and just served up gambling?
I thought gambling was illegal.
(chuckling): Not if no one sees you do it.
No, I think it still is.
But not if no one knows about it.
I still think maybe we should...
We're doing it, Tina!
(loud hacking cough)
- Okay. - Sorry.
Hey, do you think this is broken?
- Please, no. - Look what I can do with it.
I'm feeling light-headed.
All right, moving seats! Go, go!
(sobbing) (gags)
(sneezes)
There's nowhere to go.
Oh, back to Cough Guy.
No, not back there! Oh.
(coughing) Welcome back.
(retching)
(gagging)
I can't take it anymore!
I got to get out of here!
Bob Belcher? That's us!
Party of two, coming through!
Look at it, guys... our very own underground casino.
The Meatgrinder!
Did you name it after our meat grinder?
LOUISE: Andy and Ollie will discreetly spread the word around town.
Secret casino! Secret casino!
Shh! Keep it quiet, though, because it's a secret! Shh!
LOUISE: We'll get Zeke to run the door.
Play to win? Come on in.
You're a nerd? Join the herd.
LOUISE: And I've hired the fourth grade mathletics geeks
to be our dealers.
Tina, you're in charge of hospitality.
Sodas, snacks, pats on the backs.
- Okay. - Gene,
you're in charge of the entertainment.
(gasps) I've got a great group.
They'll be perfect...
the Cutie Patooties. The what?
It's a girl group I've been putting together.
Hey, I found these wigs in the trash.
I say we start a girl group!
We'll call 'em the Cutie Patooties! Who's in?
Oh, we got one!
Oh, no, no, no. I'm not interested.
I'm just going to the bathroom.
- Gross. - I'll do it.
Great! But you're gonna need a stage name.
What's your real name?
Dottie Minerva.
Well, now you're, hmm...
Misty Gish. I'll join, too.
Great. Let's call you...
Dottie Minerva.
I want to do it, too. We're out of names.
So you'll have to be...
Girl Number Three.
Huh? Yeah.
And I'll be the eye in the sky, watching over everything.
Especially the money.
- But I'm still babysitting. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Don't you worry that pretty little empty head.
Just serve those drinks, huh? Ow.
Hey, how's it going?
I'm Dr. Eigerman.
Look at that face!
So young!
I want to breastfeed that face! Thanks.
Ah, ah, I think I just need a few stitches.
Stitches. Great.
Those are no problem for a doctor.
Hey! Finger crotch.
Why do people keep calling it that?
Ah, because your fingers are like the legs
and then in the middle, it...
Don't do that. Stop.
All right, let's stitch you right up, here.
Ow! Oh, boy. Look at me, look at me. I'm gonna faint.
Look at me. You'll be fine.
Ah... He's a doctor.
Remember that time, we were on vacation,
and you were in the water, you're swimming around, right?
Focus, focus! And you're having fun.
Oh, you're having fun, right?
- (chuckles) I don't remember that. - See?
Wait, are you watching a video?
Mm... yes. About what?
(mumbling): How to give stitches...
Of how to give stitches? Yeah. My...
(phone chimes) Oh, text here.
- Coming in. (chuckles) - Who is it?
- My mom. - Aw.
Mommy must be proud of her little doctor.
Yeah. We're celebrating tonight.
It's my first day without
the attending physician supervising me.
- Wait. - First day?
First patient! (whoops)
Oh, you want me to take a picture for your mommy?
Uh... Bobby, you take a picture of us.
Well, Lin, my... I kind of...
Bob, take it. Take it.
All right, fine.
Stitches. Stitches.
What's the password?
Here's a hint: Rhymes with "squid narcs."
- Skid marks. - Okay. Get on in there.
(indistinct conversation, laughter)
One water, one fizzazz...
Hot towel? Hot towel, anyone?
All right, Patooties, get your Cutie faces on.
Misty, you're singing lead.
And it's time for this star to shine.
Just like we rehearsed.
We didn't rehearse.
Oh, my God, we didn't rehearse.
All right, even better. It'll be fresher. Go out there.
- Go, go, go, go, go. Go. - (whispering): What do I do?
(whispering): Girls being girls being girls
being girls... girl group!
(whispering): Girls being girls being girls
- being girls... (whispering): - No, no, no, no.
I whisper, you don't whisper.
Oh. You-you sing it.
(off-key): ♪ Girls being girls being girls being girls... ♪
Come back, come back, come back.
Not your night, not your night.
Girl group!
Uh, we're gonna take a quick fiver.
Technical difficulties.
In the meantime, Sammy Hagar, everybody.
Come on, come on, keep those bets coming, people.
Winner, winner, burger dinner!
Louise, why are we in our underwear?
So you don't steal any of that money you're counting.
I stole a tomato. I'm sorry.
Oh, it's all right. You didn't mean it.
You were just hungry, huh, friend?
Yeah. Saw a tomato and you were like,
"Hey, I know where this goes... in my underwear."
Yeah... Just count the money!
F-9.
You torpedoed my frigate.
We've got a winner.
(laughs) All right. Congratulations.
Well, I noticed that's your fourth win in a row.
You're lucky...
a little too lucky. Uh, thanks.
I was just about to cash out.
Ah, not so fast, forehead sweat.
I also noticed your friend over there
giving you hand signals.
Well, I'd like to introduce you to my friend.
Zeke.
You know what a purple nurple is?
Yes. You can keep the money, friend.
Or you can keep your nurple.
But you can't keep both. Not my nurples!
Now get out of here! Scram! (whimpers)
Nothing to see here, folks! Tina!
Drinks over here. On the house, whatever they want.
What do you want? Why are you crying?
I lost my allowance.
No tears at the Meatgrinder...
just fun!
FISCHOEDER: Well, well, well.
I came in to use the bathroom, and what do I find?
An underground casino.
That's actually underground.
Who owns this building?
Oh, yes, that's right.
I do.
(Fischoeder laughs)
Who's in charge here?
- Uh... - Uh...
We are a group of entrepreneurs,
but it was my idea.
You are in very big trouble, young lady.
Because I am a gambling man.
One hundred dollars on Surgery Sam.
Let's play. (cheering, whoops)
Yes!
The Meatgrinder is about to grind up a whale.
Hold up, I got to metal-detect you.
Beepity-beep, beep, beep, beep-beep-beep.
All right, you're good. Go on in.
Look. I love Misty Gish, but she's not ready to sing lead.
Dottie Minerva is a star,
and it's time for that star to shine.
(off-key): ♪ Girls being girls being girls being girls... ♪
Oh, my God, oh, my God... you're even worse than Misty Gish.
Gene, I could give it a try.
Girl Number Three, you're a backup singer.
You don't even have a name.
But I guess you'll have to do for now... you're up.
Cue the music.
(clears throat)
♪ Girls being girls being
♪ Girls being girls...
Wow, she's amazing.
I'm gonna make that girl a star.
And my wife.
Girl Number Three Belcher.
(game buzzes) FISCHOEDER: Oh, damn it.
Sam, why would you eat a car?
Well, another hundred dollars to the house.
Oh, nice try, Mr. Fischoeder.
You'll get 'em next time.
You think? Yeah, oh, yeah.
- (chuckling): Eh, okay. - Your luck's got to change sometime, buddy.
Ooh... Rock, Paper, Scissors.
Or as it was known in ancient China...
Huo-zhi tou.
Oh, yeah, you like Rock, Paper, Scissors?
You want to play that?
Hundred dollar bet. Uh...
Go ahead. American rules.
- Throw on the four count... ready? - Mm.
One, two... One, mm...
- three... shoot! - three...
I win... fantastic!
Ah, it's no big deal.
The house can lose a few, right?
We're still way up.
Let's keep this going.
One, two, three... Two, three...
- shoot. - shoot.
(laughs)
Okay, okay, I'm jumping in here.
New dealer, new hand... get out of here.
What'd I do?
- Well, that should do it. - Oh, my God.
I think I passed out. What happened?
Oh, I just, uh, fixed up the old finger crotch cut.
Why is my whole arm bandaged?
I thought I'd just kill the roll, you know?
Did you shave my arm?
Uh, yeah.
Why did he shave my arm?
He shaved your arm.
Why did he shave my arm, Lin?
Because he's a doctor.
What happened when I passed out?
Bob, nothing.
It's all on video.
Wait, what's on video?
We filmed it... it's his first patient.
All right, I'm getting out of here.
His mom wanted to see it.
She-she really appreciates it.
My other arm is shaved! Mm-hmm.
Why'd you shave my body?!
He's looking for other cuts.
Lin, we're going. All right... bye.
- One, two, three... - You're about to throw...
- shoot! Aah! - rock! (laughs)
How did you know that?
Get out of my head!
Come on, give me some more.
What do you got?
Give it to me.
(groans) We're out of money?
- I take IOUs. - Great!
- Play again? - Yes.
All right, we're on in five.
You know the drill.
Girl Number Three, you're our new number one!
Um, we were talking, Gene, and we've decided that
the Cutie Patooties are breaking up.
Breaking up? But this was just the beginning.
I was gonna get you an MP3 deal and your own perfume.
Patoot... smells like girl farts.
Yeah, well, I'm leaving the business to focus
on my glitter stickers.
And I want to spend more time at home with my pets.
And I'm learning how to French braid.
When I met you, you were eating lunch at school.
So?
So, see you tomorrow at lunch at school.
I don't need them.
I can be a girl group all by myself.
I certainly have the passion.
Two, three, shoot. Two, three, shoot!
(laughs) Aah!
Another win.
I should gamble against children more often.
Louise, I think we're losing a lot of money.
Oh, really?
I know we're losing a lot of money!
I feel it!
(sighs) Hopefully we can still make it home
for the dinner rush.
Seems like blood shouldn't be able to get through all this.
Stop messing with it, Bobby.
This isn't... I know he didn't do it right.
Leave it alone.
I'm just gonna take a quick peek.
Bobby, I said... aah! Ooh!
Oh, my God! Aah, aah!
(yelling)
Oh, my God!
Oh, God, look at it! It went in my mouth!
Oh, I swallowed your blood. (screaming)
I've swallowed your blood.
Oh, I'm gonna faint. I'm gonna throw up.
(woozy mumbling) I'm gonna throw up.
What? (retching)
Oh, we need to go back to the hospital.
(tires screeching)
(humming)
No. Hey, it's you guys.
Are there any other doctors here?
I can't tell you that.
It's doctor-doctor confidentiality.
There's no such thing.
I can't talk about it... but there is.
No, there's not.
I'll-I'll take a nurse.
You want that for here or to go?
(chuckles) I don't get it.
Sorry, that... that usually kills.
Okay, I'll go get the nurse.
Just don't tell her I said that.
♪ Girls being girls being girls being girls ♪
♪ Girl group, shut your mouth.
Thank you, Meatgrinder.
Tip your waitress... I'm friends with her dad.
Hmm.
One, two, three... One, two, three...
- shoot! - shoot!
- Yes! - No!
Kids, we're home!
Look at your father's arms.
They shaved me.
He looks like a turkey.
Lin, wash your face, please.
I'm gonna faint again. Oh, come on.
Look at me... blah! (laughs)
- Oh, my God. - Kids!
Come look at my bloody face.
Tina?
Gene?
Louise? Anybody here?
Underground casino?
Coat off.
Game on.
Well...
I think it's time to cash out.
Where should I, uh, to whom do I, uh...?
Just one more game. No...
- Come on! - If there's one thing I learned
from that week I was married, it's when to walk away.
What the hell is going on here?
Yeah, what is going on here?
- Uh-oh. - Louise,
these two snuck in somehow.
Like some kind of ninjas.
Hi, Mom and Dad, whoa, you're back.
- Bob. - Mr. Fischoeder?
Perfect timing. I was just about to, uh,
collect my winnings. Your winnings?
Yes, the house owes me some money.
And I believe you are the house.
Oh, my God.
Uh, how much does "the house" owe you?
$5,000.
What?!
Congratulations, sir.
Sorry, Dad, it's my job.
(groans) Oh, hey, Marshmallow.
What is this? Wha-What's going on here?
Well, it's an underground casino.
You kids are supposed to be upstairs.
Well, there's no room for a casino upstairs.
What are you doing with Mommy's crackers?
Got to keep the players happy.
Flirt a little, wink a little.
(Fischoeder clears throat)
Sorry to interrupt, Belcher family, but, um,
there seems to be a certain unresolved matter of my $5,000.
Mr. Fischoeder, you can't expect me to pay you.
I mean, they're just kids playing pretend casino.
Why can't you play like normal kids?
Why can't you bleed like a normal dad?
A bet is a bet, Bob.
I once lost $30,000 on a horse.
She just ran off with it.
Listen, I-I can't afford this, Mr. Fischoeder.
Well, I'll just raise your rent by a thousand dollars
a month for five months.
Dad, a word... in private?
No. Family meeting, huh?
Mom, family meeting?
No. Ooh, family meeting.
Excuse us a second, Mr. Fischoeder.
Certainly.
We could play him double or nothing.
What? No.
We're already in the hole.
I'm not gonna owe him $10,000.
Dad, I can't beat him, but you can.
With that.
This... why would I play him with this?
My hand's stitched.
Plus, I'm not even left-handed.
Exactly... if you use that hand,
he'll think you can't throw scissors.
And that's why you're gonna throw scissors.
But I really can't.
My fingers won't separate.
Yeah, keep saying that.
We need him to think you think that.
No, Louise, I can't actually do it.
Great, so you know what you have to do.
Oh, my God.
That's my girl.
That's my little mind-gamer.
My little "Amarosa."
But what if Mr. Fischoeder knows
that we think that he thinks that Dad can't throw scissors?
Or what if he thinks that we know that he thinks that?
Or what if he thinks...?
Any outcome is possible, Tina, life is chaos!
BOB: Gene, why are you wearing that?
I'm just a girl with a dream who got tired
of hearing the word no!
Uh, hello, Belchers... time is money,
- and I believe it's pay me o'clock. - I'm gonna play him.
Bobby, are you sure?
That's a lot of money.
We don't have any other choice, Lin.
He's gonna raise the rent... I have to.
(groans) Bobby, your finger crotch looks like a '70s porno.
Mr. Fischoeder, we have a proposition.
Wonderful.
- You and me... - Hmm.
Rock, Paper, Scissors, Double or nothing.
Oh, I like this.
One match for all the beans.
If I lose, you owe me nothing.
If I win, you pay me $10,000.
Double or nothing, that's also my approach to underpants.
Shall we dance?
ALL (chanting): Rock, Paper, Scissors.
- One... - Rock, Paper, Scissors.
- two... - Rock, Paper, Scissors.
- three... - Rock, Paper, Scissors.
shoot!
(Bob yelling)
No!
(all cheering)
Oh, you did it, Bobby!
I misread you, Bob.
Didn't think could throw scissors with that hand.
I thought you were a little bit of a...
- a wussy. - Told you, Dad.
I got you out of this.
No, you got me into this.
And out of it.
- In, in, in, in, - Out, out, out, out,
- in, in, in. - out, out, out.
- Stop. - Out.
Well, I guess we're even.
Or we run it back... double the double.
- 20 grand, one throw... let's do this. - I'm game.
You've got a hot hand, Dad, use it.
Yeah, keep the luck going, Meryl Streak.
No, no, this is over.
No more gambling.
So we're not in trouble anymore?
Of course you're in trouble.
Could you point that in another direction?
Sorry. Eh, it's all right.
That's... crazy stream of blood.
That's a lot of blood... (groans)
Pass out if we're not in trouble.
You're not in trouble... mmm.
Yay!
All right, kids, help me get him in the car.
We're going back to the hospital.
Yay!
(music playing) Hit it.
Oh, he did.
♪ When Bob sees blood
♪ And screams and passes out
♪ Then Mr. Fisch checks in and cashes out ♪
♪ What more do you want
♪ When kids run the restaurant? ♪
Hey, sailor.
Ooh, nice pants.
♪ Marshmallow played a game of Surgery Sam ♪
♪ And all this 'cause Bob cut his hand ♪
♪ What more do you want
♪ When kids run the restaurant? ♪
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