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♪
♪ I'm mining the cave for love
♪ Don't care about the world above ♪
♪ Down here it's dark and cold
♪ I'm just looking for a nugget of gold ♪
♪ My hat is hard but my heart is soft ♪
♪ It's dusty down here and so I cough ♪ (coughing)
♪ It's a dirty job but I ain't stoppin' ♪
♪ I know I'm breathin' toxins but you're lookin' foxin' ♪
♪ Will you be mine?
♪ Coal mine
♪ Will you be mine?
♪ Diamond...
TINA: Hey, I was watching that.
Bad enough I'm being forced to go to their concert.
It's like I'm going to the electric chair
and you're making me watch videos of the electric chair.
Louise, you be nice.
Your Aunt Gayle got you those tickets
and she's excited to take you.
I'm super excited.
I've been practicing my concert scream all week.
(weakly): Ah...
Ah... Still ne... might need some work.
Why would you waste a scream on a stupid boy band?
Screams are for roller coasters
or axe murderers or Dad's morning breath.
Hey, it's not that bad.
(screams) Oh, whew!
Brush your teeth. I did.
Well, then, help me look for my keys.
I've told you to stop putting stuff in there
if you ever want to see it again.
You put my baby brother in there
and that was the last we saw of him!
Javier Belcher, I love you!
I'm serious. We're gonna be late
for Gene's table-setting competition.
Ugh. Do I really have to?
I-I'd rather go to the boy band concert.
Bob, one of our kids is actually participating in something.
We're going, even if it's table-setting.
It's table-scaping.
And it's the most exciting competition on four legs.
It combines accurate table-setting placement
with creative themes and costumes.
I'm sure it's much more exciting than it sounds.
It has to be. Right?
Gene, how did you even end up going
to the regionals in table-setting, anyway?
It was the only non-athletic
after-school activity,
and I creamed the competition.
As you can see,
my tablecloth is a trash bag. Mm-hmm.
Please enjoy this gar-beverage. Amusing.
And when the meal is over,
you can deposit your dirty silverware in the truck
to head to the dump.
Beep! Beep!
(imitates whirring hydraulics)
Our theme is twin dinner. Twinner!
Two knives. Two forks.
Two napkins.
Two plates... Congratulations, Gene.
You're going to regionals.
All right!
Mmm.
Gene, if you like setting tables so much,
why don't you set tables at the restaurant?
Or here?
(chuckles) No, Dad.
I don't set where I eat.
Where's Aunt Gayle?
It's my first concert.
I want to hurry up and start remembering
this moment for the rest of my life.
Maybe Aunt Gayle realized
that she's a 42-yeldaroman
and she shouldn't be into boy bands?
(phone rings)
Hello?
(exhales) Hi, Aunt Gayle. Are you outside?
An emergency?
Emergency?
Okay, yeah...
I-I understand. Bye.
Give me the bad news. Give me the bad news!
Aunt Gayle pepper-sprayed one of her cats
because she thought he was an intruder
trying to sexually assault her.
She has to take him to the vet and we have to miss the concert.
Yeah!
This is the best thing Aunt Gayle's done
since she pooped her pants at the cell phone store last year.
Ugh, my heart just pooped its pants.
(makes farting sound)
Wow. Lots of people.
I didn't realize that table-setting
was such a big deal. 'Scaping!
Check out those trophies.
LINDA: Ooh, and judges with buttons that say "judge."
Well, got to get cracking if I'm gonna win first place.
You know, honey, it's okay if you don't win.
Yeah, Gene, I mean, win or lose, we're just proud that...
you're setting a table at the competitive level.
Ooh, mini croissants!
No matter what I say, stop me when I've had 16.
(hums) So, now that we're not going to the concert,
what should we do first?
(groans)
All right, I'll give it a shot.
(groaning) (Tina groaning)
(groans) Is this it?
Yeah, that's good.
(both groaning)
Okay! I hate this.
Come on, Tina, cheer up.
It's four lame boys who dance.
There's so much more out there in the world.
No, there isn't!
Ugh, it's no fun having you down
if I'm not the one who got you there.
(sadly): I'm sorry.
Fine. I'm not a monster.
I'll help you.
What do you mean?
I mean I'll get you to the concert.
- I'll get you there. - How?
Are you sure we can bike all the way there
by the time the concert starts?
Not if we keep chitchatting like this.
Oh, here's the freeway.
Once we merge, get in the fast lane, okay?
And we'll get there in no time.
(moans) What?
(moans)
(tires squeal)
(coughs)
TINA: Zeke? What are you doing here?
Me and my cousin Leslie are going to sell
some bootleg T-shirts and hot dogs
at the Boyz 4 Now concert.
Boom. Whatcha letcha.
Ha! Check it out. One size fits all.
Damn, this one says my card's declined, too.
Zeke, you have any money?
Nah, my white ass is broke.
Hey, I've got gas money.
You got room for two more in that buggy?
You slip me a fiver, I'll be your driver.
Leslie loves rhymes.
And pasta that comes in cans.
If it ain't from a can, it don't go in this man.
(laughs)
I've never ridden with this many hot dogs before.
A day of firsts.
Watch out. You squish 'em, you bought 'em.
TINA: Boyz 4 Now, here we come.
ZEKE: Don't squish it!
TINA: So who's your favorite Boy 4 Now?
Griffin's the hot one. And he's super extreme.
His dog is a wolf.
Stop. And then there's Allen.
He's cute but shy. His fans are called
Allen-coholics. Ugh.
My stepmom's an Allen-coholic. And a shopaholic.
Double trouble!
This is Matt.
He's moody and a little older.
I think, like, 17.
LOUISE: Maybe his mustache is 17, but he's 90.
And then there's Boo Boo.
He's young but crazy good at dancing.
I used to be a real Boo Boo Booster,
but now I'm kind of into Griffin.
Ugh, stop talking!
(mumbling) Stop. Stop.
- Okay, I'm gonna put my fist in your mouth. - (muffled): Okay.
Oh, Marilyn. Tragic beauty.
(gasps) I love your son's table.
Hi.
Aw. Thank you.
Magic. Hmm.
Uh, what's "hmm"?
Your table's cute.
But only one person can take home the Golden Plate.
And we sure didn't come to take home the Silver Spoon.
Yeah, well, we ne... neither did we.
- Right. - Yeah.
- Yeah!
Oh, please. Come on, Oscar.
You've still got a crying Joe DiMaggio
to carve out of butter.
- Bye, guys. Good luck. - Don't talk to them!
Gene, get back to work on your table.
You've got to win.
I thought you said it was okay if I didn't win.
Well, that was before we met that idiot.
Now, chop-chop.
Ooh, Dad, you got the fever!
'Scaping fever!
Whoo! Can't escape the 'scape!
Let's do this! Yeah!
(screaming, squealing)
Ugh, no wonder no one likes women.
All right, see you after the show.
Be careful.
There's a lot of puberty in there.
I can't believe I'm here. It's really happening.
I feel light-headed.
Whoa! No fainting!
I don't think I'm strong enough to go in there alone.
I need you to come with me.
(sighs) Fine.
I'll get you to your seat so you don't get trampled,
but then I am out of there.
(screaming, squealing)
What is wrong with all of you?
They're just boys!
Boys? Where?
(retches) Oh, come on.
WOMAN: Hello, young man.
What can you tell me about your table?
Oh, well...
Wait, what's that behind your ear?
Is this your place card?
Oh! Oh, my!
Now, please, take your seat.
Allow me to put your napkin on your lap.
Ah...?
Very clever.
Oh, I seem to have forgotten my centerpiece.
Or did I?
Eh?
And what menu would you serve with this setting?
For the entrée, you'll pull a roasted rabbit
out of your top hat plate.
Served with abracadab-braised potatoes
and ice cream shazamwiches for dessert!
Oh!
She's smiling.
I think it's going well.
He looks good. He looks loose.
I'm pleased to announce our four finalists:
Melissa Brown, Oscar Anthony...
I did it! I did it!
...Heather Smith
and Gene Belcher.
- Yay! - Yay!
Wait, why are there four winners?
Finalists, please report to your table
and begin assembling your second original display.
Second display?
If you thought our first table was good,
which you did... No, we didn't.
...just wait until you see our second one.
I don't want to give anything away,
but we're about to take a rocket ship out of this world.
So it's space-themed? I can't say.
Well, it is. You just basically said it.
- I'll never tell. - Plus, I didn't think your first table was good.
I graciously disrespect your answer.
Well, wait till you see what we got, okay?
I'm busy then. Well, you're gonna have
to look at it if you're here.
(chuckles) I'm double-parked.
Okay, finalists.
On your mark, get set, set.
All right, Gene, what have you got?
It better be bigger and more impressive than outer space.
Or Marilyn in space. Marilyn in space.
I didn't know there was supposed to be a second display.
- What?! - Uh...
Did you read the rules, Gene?
No! There were 16 pages.
I only got up to the part that said no open-toed shoes.
What are we gonna do? We can't lose.
We've come too far. Come too far? Come too far?!
We haven't come too far, Lin! We're just getting started!
- Okay, so what are we gonna do?! - Why am I talking like this?!
- I don't know! Why am I tal... - I think I'm excited!
- Oh, God! - This is weird! We got to win it!
- Let's win it! - (gasps) What?
I'm wearing open-toed shoes. Ah, shoot.
CROWD (chanting): Boyz 4 Now!
Boyz 4 Now! Boyz 4 Now!
Okay, Teen, I think you're all set.
Um, I'm gonna get out of here.
So, I'll see you later, okay, buddy?
ANNOUNCER: Good evening, ladies and girls!
Are you ready?
(cheering and screaming)
You know them, you love them!
What are they?
CROWD: Boyz... 4... Now!
(chanting): Boyz 4 Now! Boyz 4 Now!
I hope those are the kinds of lasers
that slice people in half.
ANNOUNCER: Please welcome... Allen!
(cheering, screaming) (Louise laughing)
Holy crap.
ANNOUNCER: Griffin!
Lot of wires. Not quite creating the illusion.
You guys seeing this? Right there!
ANNOUNCER: Matt!
Uh-oh. Sky Grandpa!
ANNOUNCER: And Boo Boo!
This is terrible.
Who let all these pretty girls in here?
(gasps)
♪ I want to hear your secrets ♪
♪ I'm so interested in you ♪
(upbeat pop music playing)
(screams)
Boo Boo!
Oh, my God, who the frig am I?!
♪ Will you be mine? Coal mine
(grunting)
You're gonna miss Allen's poetry solo.
(gasps, panting)
You do not like a boy. You do not like a boy!
Especially a boy named... Boo Boo.
Aw. Aah! Stop it!
Oh, God! Get a hold of yourself!
(grunts, moans)
Aah! No!
(spitting)
(panting)
Ah, Boo Boo's so cute.
Cute? He's the reason faces were invented, you idiot!
♪ I need to show you a secret
♪ It's gonna be a surprise
♪ Come a little bit closer
♪ Let me whisper in your eyes
(singing along): ♪ When I whisper in your eyes
♪ Don't think, don't blink
Hey, girl, shh. Shush.
Close your lips and open your eyes.
I want your eyes to hear my lips and also my eyes...
Oh, my God!
Tina. Tina! I thought you were leaving.
Change of plans.
I need to talk to you. I have questions.
Tell me about the band again.
- But in the car, you didn't want to... - Tell me!
Well, Allen... Next!
- Um, Griffin's... - Yeah, sure, Griffin, Griffin.
Uh-huh-huh. Next!
Okay, Matt... Next!
Well, that leaves Boo Boo.
Oh, really? That's interesting.
Tell me more. What about Boo Boo?
Boo Boo's the youngest.
And he's got a really great voice,
but he hasn't hit puberty yet, so that could change.
What's he into? Sports? I could get into sports.
What the hell else does he like?
I want to give him things.
Whoa, Louise. You like Boo Boo?
What?! No, Tina, that's...
Okay, right, like, I like a boy.
That's... Ugh! Do you think he might like me?
Oh, my God, what's happened to me?!
Cut me open! I'm infected! Pull it out!
It's okay, Louise. You're just having a crush.
Never! Boo Boo!
Oh, my God, you are sick, Louise Belcher.
You are sick!
I'm going to get you through this.
Tell me what you like about Boo Boo.
Nothing. Everything. I don't know.
Do you like his hair?
You mean those soft blond bangs
you want to hide under like an umbrella on a rainy day?
No, not really.
And his face?
Ew, gross, it's so gorgeous!
I just want to slap it. I want to slap it.
I just want to slap his hideous, beautiful face.
Um, you mean kiss?
No, I mean slap.
Whoa. You got it bad, girl.
LINDA: Okay, I read the rules.
It says here you can use anything
you brought with you. So brainstorm. Go.
Hmm... hmm-hmm-hmm. Oh, I got it!
We could shave Dad, glue his hair to the table,
and the theme could be "That's Nasty."
Let's steal another kid's display.
What?! Bob, no.
Okay, not that. We don't have to cheat.
But we have to win, by probably not cheating.
Oh, ew, Bob, your breath. Take a mint.
You can smell it all the way over there?
I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe I'm dying.
That's it! Mom's purse. Dump it out!
Yeah, Lin, there's got to be
all sorts of stuff in there.
- Let's take a look. - All right, dump it.
GENE: That's where all my wadded tissues went.
Start making piles of stuff that could go together.
Eh... okay, I got one.
Lipstick, pepper spray, tiny bag of carrots.
What's the theme?
Uh, "Woman of the Night."
She gets dressed up, she kills a john, she has a snack.
Uh, let's keep making piles.
♪ Tell me
♪ About every single time you've cried ♪
(singing along): ♪ The first time
♪ Oh, when your goldfish died.
This is amazing.
Eight encores.
They usually only do seven.
Shut up!
Why would you talk during a song?
Please be quiet, Tina.
(song ends)
(cheering)
What? They can't be done.
I'm not done!
Where are they going?
TINA: Backstage.
They probably have backstage passes.
Uh, let's go do that.
But we don't have passes.
Tina, did you learn nothing from the Boyz 4 Now song,
"Girl, You Don't Need a Backstage Pass"?
Wish kid, fatal strep throat, coming through.
(coughs) Nope.
I'm detective Brenda Lee Johnson.
There's been a murder backstage.
No one gets through the door.
(yelling)
(grunts) Look, I get it.
I'd love to let you back there.
I can see the pain in your face.
That pain doesn't go away; It only gets worse.
Don't get older.
Hot dogs. No, no, wait.
Oh, yep, yep, this one's hot.
(sighs) We're ready to go, Zeke.
Where's Leslie?
He's using his shirt money to buy
an endangered box turtle from the tour bus driver.
Tour bus?
But whatever you do, don't feed him after midnight.
Just kidding. He doesn't know what time it is.
What is he, wearing a watch?
Hey, cuz.
Look who just joined the family.
He lives in a shell and he's cute as hell.
Cool.
Hey, bus driver, what other endangered animals you got in there?
Well, I got an African egg frog.
I got a horseshoe bat.
Got a skink and a skunk. Got a bush baby...
- How much you want for that bush baby? - Not for sale.
- Come on. - But buy the skink, I'll throw in the skunk.
I want Griffin to sign the inside of my eyelids,
so he's the last thing I see before I go to bed.
What are you going to ask Boo Boo to sign?
Oh, no, Tina. I don't want Boo Boo's signature.
I told you, I want to slap him.
I don't know if he'll like that.
That's why it has to be a surprise attack.
We need to find some place to burst out of.
In there? Uh, great idea,
but just in case we aren't six inches tall,
how about in... there?
- Ah, smells horrible in here. - Yeah.
It would be terrible if these smells got stuck
to the inside of my nostrils and I would
have to smell this sweaty sweatband forever.
(sniffs)
I think they're coming.
I'll slap Boo Boo in the face,
and we'll be on our way.
Crush crushed.
Whew. Great show, guys.
Yeah. We caused a lot of smiles tonight.
Totally.
Settle in guys. We've got an overnighter.
I think we're moving.
Oh, my God.
We're going on tour.
Slapabama, here we come.
Should we jump out now?
What's the protocol in this situation?
Maybe you shouldn't rush into this, Louise.
We could just live in here forever.
BUS DRIVER: All right, Boo Boo.
We got to strap you into your booster seat.
No! I don't wanna!
You know the rules: When you hit 80 pounds,
you can sit in a big boy seat. No!
Guys, why don't you sing the song? (others sigh)
♪ Gettin' into your booster seat ♪
♪ From your big boy head to your big boy feet ♪
♪ Gettin' into your booster seat... ♪ What the hell is going on?
I don't know.
Is "booster seat" code for drugs?
♪ From my big boy head to my big boy feet ♪
(Boo Boo chuckles) Boo Boo!
(all scream)
Ah! It's a girl!
A girl saw me in my booster seat!
Don't look at me!
(yelling)
- Stop the bus, Jody. - TINA: No, Jody,
don't stop the bus. Who said that?
No one. You were just thinking it.
- We got another one in the hamper. - Stopping the bus.
Hi. I'm Tina, your new roadie.
Do I have something on my face?
Just kidding. I know it's five sweatbands.
We'll let you off at this rest stop up ahead.
Hey, use the phone. Call your parents.
They're probably worried about you.
I know I'd be worried about my daughter.
If I had one.
But I'm 17, so I don't.
Wait.
Before we go, Boo Boo,
my sister wants to ask you something.
(mumbles)
What? (mumbles)
What? It sounded like... (mumbles)
(mumbles) What? What?
What are you saying?
What? What?
Get me out of this thing!
I'm trying to talk to a fan.
Give me just a little dignity.
(sighs) Thank you.
Now, what was that, little girl?
(grunting)
(groans)
- Bold. - Worth it.
I think we nailed it. Yeah.
It's daring, it's different.
Nobody else is doing this.
I'll just put a little more
of this strawberry jam from Mom's purse and...
- done. - Ugh.
Look at their table. Nerd alert.
- Am I right? - BOB: Yeah.
Earth to those guys: You lose.
You guys, we didn't give up like we usually do,
and I think it really paid off.
I'm proud of us.
All right, here comes the judge. Good luck, Gene.
Go get 'em, Gene Bean. Yeah!
Eh?
Oh, good Lord.
Welcome to my "Menstru-rant."
I thought we decided on "Period Piece."
Hope you brought your appetite, and your hot flashes.
Okay, I think I've seen enough.
As you'll see, beside the plate is a sanitary napkin.
May I place it on your lap in case there's a big spill?
No. I... Please, let me.
Get away. It's got wings.
- Show her the tampon straw. - JUDGE: No.
I don't want to see the tampon straw.
Someone's on the rag.
Well, at least those two got creamed, too.
(crying): Oh, God...
Dad, do I have to do this again?
Yes.
Them losing is like us winning.
Yeah, and we got fourth place.
I mean, I don't think any of our kids
have gotten fourth place in anything.
I'm number four! I'm number four!
Ooh, I got an idea for next year.
- Baby Jessica stuck in a well. - Yes!
You have to look for your dinner for two days
as the nation watches.
TINA: Thanks for coming to get us, Aunt Gayle.
It was the least I could do.
The good news is my cat is going to be fine.
He just has to wear goggles from now on
in case it happens again.
(meows)
Tina, if that's what
your life is like, God, how are you even alive?
What do you mean?
You have a crush on almost every boy you know.
How do you do it?
Feeling that way for three hours was way too much for me.
I'm no hero. I put my bra on
one boob at a time like everyone else.
Well, the good news is
that now that I got it out of my system,
I'm done having crushes forever.
I hope for your sake you're right.
But if not, you know where I live.
You're a strong woman, Tina.
I know.
Good night, Tina.
Night, Mom.
Night, Louise.
Did you guys have fun today?
Pretty dull.
Aw.
(makes kissing sounds)
Ugh. Disgusting.
I hate you so freaking much, you idiot.
Slap.
♪ I want to hear your secrets
♪ I'm so interested in you
♪ What did you have for lunch today? ♪
♪ Tell me breakfast, too
♪ Which friend are you mad at, girl? ♪
♪ What size are your shoes?
♪ You just went to the bathroom, number one or number two? ♪
♪ I want to know everything, everything about you ♪
♪ I want to hear your secrets
♪ I'm so interested in you
♪ Even if it's not a secret
♪ Tell me that stuff, too
♪ Details, I want to know details ♪
♪ What's your dad's name?
♪ Details, details ♪ ♪ And your mom's
♪ Any allergies? ♪ Details ♪
♪ How was prom?
♪ Interesting, so interesting.
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law. Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.