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My whole life I just wanted to be a rapper
Then I grew'd up and the boy became a rapper
And my older sister made me wear the golden wrapper
She said, "Watch out, 'cause you know The hos will trap ya."
Hello there. I'm Dr. Mecklebaum.
- I'm Dave Burd. How are you? - Good. Good to see you.
So, uh... what brings you in today?
So, a few days ago I was shaving,
and I noticed these red bumps on my pubiscus...
- And I just wanted... - Pubiscus?
That's probably not the medical term for it.
Uh, like, where your pubic hair would be
if you didn't shave it all the way.
Oh, copy that. All right. So, well, let's take a look.
Yes, and I know this is gonna sound so absurd,
but before I can just show you my penis,
I do have to kind of explain a few things about it to you.
Okay.
I just have, like, a very bizarre situation down...
okay, when I was born,
I came out of the womb with a tangled urethra,
so immediately they had to go in and do all types of surgery to it.
As a result, there's so much scarring down there.
- Sure. - And then, I mean,
you know how the skin on your testicles
is a different type of skin than the skin on your penis?
It's more... chicken-skinned or ribbed.
Yeah?
So my dick skin is actually made of
that exact same style of ribbing.
All the way up my shaft... ribs.
So my theory is: when they had to replace
the hacked-off dick skin,
they used my testicle skin to replace it.
Which would mean that my dick
is made of balls.
I couldn't be more precious about this information.
My own girlfriend doesn't know anything about this
because I'm so good at controlling the lighting and...
Well, if-if you're comfortable,
I'm-I'm more than happy to take a look.
I had to explain that, 'cause I didn't want you to look at it and be like...
- You know? Yeah. - Yeah. Sure.
Okay.
Yeah.
Those look like razor bumps to me.
Okay. I mean, but can't genital herpes look like razor bumps?
Who's to say that it's razor bumps?
I'm to say. It's my job.
Well, you should know there's a very big disconnect
between the online medical community
and the brick-and-mortar establishments.
You mean... doctors.
While I have you here, real quick,
I know this is a totally different field of medicine.
I have all this acne on my back that came out of nowhere...
- Yeah, not me. - Cystic.
No, it's not me.
I just figured you must know more than, like, the common man.
I could refer you to somebody.
- Not my field. - Thank you.
- You're welcome, Dave. - Hey, where do I pay?
- Hi, I'm Dave - I'm Lil Dicky
- Hi, I'm Dave - Who's Dave?
Hi, I'm Dave.
Oh.
Is this the right room?
Uh, is this Studio A?
The fuck is that smell, man?
Oh, man, this dude always coming in here
- with this tuna fish shit. - Okay, are we leaving?
I'm gonna be right back.
Why the fuck would you just walk into a session like that?
You said "come anytime," those were your words.
Yeah, come by, kick it in the lounge and, like,
I don't know, meet people, talk to people, make connections.
Don't come into a fucking studio session
with tuna fish. It smells crazy.
Well, forgive me for not knowing this incredibly specific rule.
- That's... - Is that YG? Oh, my God.
Yep, that's YG. They're coming.
Whup their ass when you see 'em, straight like that.
- Yeah. - What's up?
Studio smell like tuna, man. This shit stank.
Fuck going on?
That's a scary group of men.
He had tattoos on the creases of his neck.
I'm so scared. I don't know if I'm supposed to speak
or not speak when I'm spoken to or...
Doesn't sound like a very collaborative setting to me.
Not at all.
Is there any window for you to show them my video?
No. These gang members obviously do not like dick jokes.
Know your audience, my dude. I love you like a sister.
I have to leave.
- Text me. - Nope.
My dick sucks, my dick sucks.
Hold up. Hold the fuck up.
Ain't you the YouTube rapper with the small dick and all that?
- I've seen that video. - Did you like it?
Yeah, that shit go hard.
You have no idea how happy this makes me.
Like, I live my entire life
trying to impress people of your... pedigree.
- I'm Dave. - Ha, Dave, you a fool.
I'm Gata, like alligator.
I just rolled this chopstick. You trying to smoke some weed?
Smoke weed? Uh, do I want to smoke wee...?
I don't think... No, no, thank you.
So you a rapper, and you don't blow bud?
I didn't say that, I smoke.
I treat it like a glass of wine at the end of the day.
If I smoked this early, I'd feel like a total waste of life.
But did you see that YG's here?
Yeah, why you think I'm here? My nigga Bino sell him tree all the time.
How would I go about getting a rapper like YG
on one of my songs? Because I feel like,
until I do that, no one's gonna take me seriously.
Everyone's just gonna think I'm a YouTube rapper.
Shit. It's all about the gander.
The gander?
The gander, nigga. You got to wiggle,
set yourself up, make a play. Right now you're in the studio,
all these rappers in here popping,
and you talking about, "Hi, my name is Dave."
Like, what the hell? Like, you should be, like,
"What's up? It's Lil Dicky." Like, own that shit, bro.
I do think it's gonna be the biggest name
in hip-hop, honestly. Lil Dicky.
Ride your own dick, man.
Can we get some food? YG hungry.
Oh. I don't know why you're asking me.
I don't work here.
I, uh... I'm Lil Dicky.
- Lil Dicky? - Yes.
Can we get some food? YG hungry.
Okay. I respect you, I just think you're going about it all kind of wrong.
Hey, chill. Bro, there's a store right around the corner.
We gonna bend the block real fast
and get whatever you need.
Come on, man. He look hot.
I hope these are the right snacks, Gata.
Man, if you don't stop tripping, I'm a real nigga.
If I tell you there's cheese on the moon, bring your crackers, man.
You Gucci. You're gonna go in there, show your face,
apply the gander, wiggle up.
How can this possibly get me closer to a YG verse?
Check this out. I used to be in Miami all the time,
at the Hit Factory. It's a studio.
I'm in there with my boys. We chilling with some dudes
from New Orleans. You know how they dress already, right?
- No. - Big T-shirts, baggy jeans.
We're in a studio session and Wayne walk in, bro.
- I'm in there dripping. - Lil Wayne?
Weezy! What other Wayne you know?
- Brady. - I'm in there sauced down.
Skinny jeans, Cali swag, all that... lip ring.
And they on my swag, bro. Wayne like, "What you do?"
And I end up getting three songs off the drip alone.
You have three songs with Lil Wayne?
Yes, that's what I'm trying to tell you.
They're on my laptop. They ain't never came out, but you know how that go.
This is very useful information. If I would've known all this,
I would've certainly dressed differently today.
The swag ain't on you, it's in you.
Like, what is that, peach?
They gonna fuck with that, that's hard body.
You got a lot of heart for wearing that color.
Well... great.
Do I just knock or what? What do you think?
Yeah, just knock in on that shit, man.
I feel like they're not ever gonna...
Why are you wearing your sunglasses inside?
Bro, you know I got to drip, bro.
We're going to the studio right now.
YG, you're about to get a verse, okay?
- Should I walk in? - Man, go in there, man.
Snack time. I...
Okay.
You're welcome.
I feel like that did nothing for my career.
Bro, "snack time"? Did you really just say
that corny-ass shit, bro? What the fuck?
- Give me your phone, man. - My phone? Why?
Listen, if you want to get that verse from YG, bro,
you're gonna have to holler at Nutti, man.
- Who is Nutti? - Nutti.
That's YG manager. I'm the plug, bro.
- I'm putting his number in your phone. - This couldn't be more helpful.
So, what do I do? I text him and say, "Hi, it's Lil Dicky..."
Yeah, he probably gonna want some money for the verse.
Money? Okay. Well, I'll figure that out.
You have to bring that bag.
I just saved mine, too, bro. We got to get up, man.
Let me get you on my Gram, man. If you don't mind.
Yeah. Okay, hold on, let me think for a second.
You ready? Uh...
Early morning studio, LD reporting for...
Nigga, this is just a picture, bro.
Ugh, there's so much lettuce on this.
No, I told them no lettuce.
Oh, he told me you made him try a grape for the first time.
I did. But he did not like it.
He reported it was "too gushy."
- Who eats those things? - Most people.
Are you gonna grade papers right now?
Yeah.
I've told you how much this fully turns me on, right?
- Yeah. - I've expressed that?
- Wow. - Yeah.
You want me to teach you?
- Everything that you know. - You want me to
tell you when to nap on your cot?
My dick wants to rip out of its skin
and run laps around the playground.
I don't know... where to go with that.
You can go into Dave's room, where this shit belongs.
I'm sorry.
- That's on me, coach. - It's-it's easy.
Yeah. But every now and then I just... I guess...
- I lose my grip on reality. - Dave? Don't.
Really can't even be tamed, stopped...
Don't do it. Don't, I'm serious. Don't!
Okay. You sealed your fate.
I'm gonna finish Handmaid's Tale without you.
- Stop. - Yep, I will.
Girlfriend, what? Get away from me, freak.
You gross me out.
- That's better. - The assignment
is to draw what you want to be when you grow up,
and nobody drew a day trader.
No? Did any of them draw a kindergarten teacher?
- No. - No.
I bet a lot of them said they wanted to be a musical artist, right?
- A few. - That was my dream growing up.
I think you're right. Some young, bright, wet-behind-the-ears kid
that's like, "I want to be an unemployed Jew
who pretends to be a rapper."
And then you're the inspiration.
Or...
I'm a "once in a generation" artist...
who just got verified on Twitter about, what, nine days ago?
I'm glad you feel good that a robot told you you're worth it.
Actually, I'm gonna go back there and just see
what's going on... tap in... because I feel like
there's people all over trying to get ahold of me, ask me questions.
- Do you want a hit of this? - No.
Last time I got stoned, I talked to our neighbor Gary for an hour about cement.
He calls it see-ment.
- I hate parent-teacher night. - Mm.
Like, Jordan Beyers's parents are riding me
about his reading comprehension, but the kid literally eats sand.
Fistfuls of sand.
Every day of his life.
Holy moly.
What?
Huge turning point moment in my career just occurred.
- What? - I was in the studio
with YG today.
- YG? - Yes.
Yes, I've heard of them.
It's one guy, it's not a group.
- Okay. Still cool. - Yeah.
What was he like? What did he say?
Well, we didn't really...
I mean, when you're in the studio,
you don't really talk that much. You just, like, vibe
- and listen to music. - Okay.
But the really cool thing is, his manager just texted me
and said that YG will get on one of my songs.
Dave.
I'm very excited.
That's so cool. Wait, what song?
- Uh, what song? - Can I hear it?
You can hear it when it's done. It's not done.
I know. I don't like having too many cooks in the kitchen...
- But I won't cook. I'm just excited. - Bless your soul.
No, though, 'cause I just, you know... trust the process.
- Dave. - What?
You always do this.
Do you realize that I'm dating a rapper
who I've never heard rap out loud?
Oh, my God, will you rap for me?
Will you rap for me right now? Oh, my God, rap for me.
Rap for me. This is a kindergarten beatbox.
Throw down.
Look...
- I don't know. - Please.
- I'm sorry. I don't know.
No, it's my job. I-I don't ask you to come home
and teach me things.
Oh, you just asked me if pork was beef.
There are a lot of people that don't know that distinction.
Okay, can I at least know the name of the song?
"Girth."
Hello, my sweetheart.
- Hi, Mama. How are you? - I'm good.
I texted Ally yesterday. She hasn't texted me back.
- Hey, wait until we get into the car. - I was just wondering...
- Don, I'm talking. - I-I know...
- But it has to switch over. - I was...
- Can you hear us? - I can hear you.
I think he can hear us now. Can you hear us?
I'm not gonna beat around the bush.
I'm calling because I'm about to access my bar mitzvah money
and I thought you should know.
- What? - Oh, my God. What's wrong?
Nothing's wrong. Everything's great.
I'm actually getting, like, a very big rapper
on one of my songs, but to do that,
I have to pay him his fee, which is $10,000 in this case.
$10,000? Are you crazy?
David, you haven't made a single dollar off of this and now you want...
How come we never talk about the 15 million views
that I've gotten in three months, Mom?
It's a huge accomplishment. We never talk about that.
But why can't you profit off those views?
Isn't there money in the stream these days?
It's called the cloud, Don.
I can't profit off of it because it's not my beat.
It's just a beat I stole online.
You stole it? Wait a minute, what?
- Did you steal it? - What did he steal?
He stole his... his beat was stolen.
Oh. Oh, my God.
Guys, it's not at all how it sounds.
It couldn't be more commonplace in rap music for people
to jump on other people's beats.
You know, David,
who is this rapper that you are paying $10,000 to?
YG.
YG? I'm gonna look this up.
Do you... do you have a pen?
Is it "Why, G?" with a question mark?
Or the-the letters "Y-G"?
Google will answer any question you have.
I have to go. I love you both.
- Is it Korean? Like Wai Chi? - I mean...
Guys, I'm leaving right now. I'm hanging up.
- Okay, but is it Korean? - Is he a Korean rapper?
Hello. Um, so I have to wire $10,000
to a company called Blood Gang Entertainment LLC.
Attention or whatever: Nutti.
Hold on, wait a minute. Slow down.
So YG is getting on "Girth"?
Yeah.
Just sent him all the money.
- Is that your "Girth" dance? - Totally official.
Yeah, it's my "Girth" dance. We did it. We've done it.
You think that's a good idea?
It's probably the best idea I've ever had. It's a complete no-brainer.
Oh, my...
It's my boss.
Dude, the market's been closed for an hour now.
I don't get any time off.
Bring him everywhere, please.
Like, he's a delight to have around.
Honestly, you will like him, he's just high-strung right now
'cause of his work. He's a really good person.
So you think YG,
which stands for "Young Gangster,"
is going to get on a song rapping about the girth of his dick?
I got a seven, dude.
"Girth" has so many applications. What do you mean?
The girth of his girlfriend's breasts.
The girth of his home... I bet it's a huge home.
No. Well, why can't you just rap about normal things, like,
I don't know, getting head in the club
and, like, having orgies with your friends.
Oh, yeah, I'll rap about having orgies.
I'll sound like the biggest loser on planet Earth.
You could always rap about, like, the struggles
of a young Jewish man.
You're gonna make fun of me 'cause I have no struggles?
I literally met you at overnight camp, your father is a dentist.
And I'm not a rapper. I'm a sound engineer.
You're not gonna trick YG into rapping about the girthness of his dick.
- There's no trick here. - He's a businessman, bro.
He sells shit at Barneys. He's not an idiot.
You know, I read the other day that YG is actually vegan.
Which shocked me. I would have expected that guy to be fully carnivorous.
Can you please knock when you walk in here?
Did you tweet this?
"Just got head." Yeah.
Are you fucking kidding me?
- What? - Dave, my mom just called
and asked why you're telling everyone on Twitter
that I gave you head.
Well, I didn't say that Ally Wernick gave me head.
I was very nonspecific. It just said, "Just got head."
Oh, cool. Um, so who's giving you head, then?
Nobody, Al. It's fictitious head. It's a joke.
I'm happy to jump on the phone with your mom
and explain how Twitter works
and how everything that's tweeted isn't a real thing necessarily.
Oh, it's a very real thing
that my very real principal at my real job can read.
You guys need to stop thinking about this
like it's Dave Burd's Twitter. This is Lil Dicky tweeting.
They are totally different things.
Okay, then explain to me the difference, just so we're clear.
Dave Burd takes your feelings into account
at every waking moment.
Lil Dicky, on the other hand, can never do that.
I'm sorry. I can't worry about what my girlfriend
and her kindergarten class are gonna think
as I rap lyrics about, like,
69-ing a girl on her period.
I mean, that's a terrible example.
But think of me as, like, a corporation.
Like, when Wendy's tweets, for example,
I don't think anybody thinks that it's actually Wendy.
No! Because Wendy is not a real person.
Okay? And-and Wendy's isn't tweeting
that Wendy sucked Dave Thomas's dick.
Wendy is a real person, it's Dave Thomas's daughter.
- You're not gonna want to hear that... - Oh, my God.
I don't want my mom knowing that I give you head.
You can wrap your brain around that.
Your mom knows you give me head.
Everybody's giving everybody head at our age.
- I didn't give you head! - I know, Al!
That's my... you're making my point for me.
I don't even know what we're talking about here!
I wired YG's manager $10,000 today.
I didn't tell you that yet.
And as soon as I did that,
he stopped responding to all of my text messages, so...
- $10,000? - Yep.
I have no idea where the money is. I don't even know who this guy is
or even if he's a real person. I've never met him.
You've never met him?
No. All I know about him is that his name is Nutti.
Oh, Dave.
Al, I'm sorry for being an asshole.
I should never have said that.
But I love you so much. You're my moon, you're my rock,
you're my favorite person in the world.
Tied with my parents.
But I'm a wreck right now.
I've never been more stressed in my life.
Before you came, I was actually crying.
- You were crying? - Yes.
Do you want a belly rub?
Really? Yes.
Oh, my God.
I'm putting the weight of the world on you.
It's on me. I need to get it off me.
So let me get this straight.
There were absolutely no contracts at all?
No, there's no contracts
at this phase... it's laughable you'd even suggest such a thing.
Stupid guy over here. I just work with people
on Wall Street all the time. I don't know about money
or business or any of that kind of stuff.
It's a totally different world. What are you talking about?
Did you ever think for a second that perhaps this guy
who introduced you to Nutsi maybe set you up
just to take your money?
Gata?
Gata? That's a man's name?
I didn't even think about that as a possibility.
Of course you didn't. Your brain is basically pulled pork.
Come on, dude, you got scammed.
If I go and talk to this guy Gata, will you come with me?
No. Why me?
You were just lecturing him about business and money.
Mike, you're my best friend. I'm asking you to come, please.
I love you. Take Ally.
- Weekends are for me. - No. You're a pussy. I'll go.
Call a Lyft. I don't give a fuck.
I'm not gonna bring my girlfriend with me to get the m...
it just feels like such a weird thing to do.
- I know that's sexist, probably, but... - It is.
It's even weirder to take me, 'cause then it looks like you went
and got your muscle, and they're just gonna be like...
- You're the muscle? - You're laughing at me?
You have sex with a man with no muscle on his body.
That's bone and tendon. You're a marionette. You know that.
Okay, why do we need to go? You just go.
You guys haven't met this guy.
You have no context. Never mind, I'll figure something out.
Dicky. Lil Dicky. Holy shit, man.
- Hi. - Hey. Gosh, can I get a pic?
- Yeah, of course. - Definitely.
Sweet. Um, you know, uh, I'm a rapper, too.
- Um, I go by Nuance. - Cool.
Nuance? Send him all your stuff.
You guys could collab or something.
Three, two...
Get a few, just in case.
- I got it. - Very tight.
Um, so, is this your girl?
- Still here. - Yeah.
I just think it's so sick how you tweet after you, like,
get head and shit.
You're my hero, man.
I think that happens to most couples.
Shots at your kickback
Bitch, get back
I said, bro, get back...
Thank you for coming with me. I appreciate it.
Yeah, of course. Obviously, you know,
you got to have me around sometimes.
What does that mean?
It-it means that we're in the hood
and you had no other friends to bring...
Wait, this is the hood right now?
There's no line that defines, like, "We're in the hood,"
or a sign that says, "Welcome to the hood."
- But, like, we are in the janky. - Right.
Song with YG worked out, right?
Please stop.
- Mr. Nuts took everything from you. - I need... I need you... I...
- His name is Nutti. - Oh...
- "His name is Nutti." - And we're not even going
to Nutti's house, we're going to Gata's house.
Oh! Gata!
"Yeah, Mr. Gator, Mr. Nuts, your 10:00 is here."
Shut the fuck up.
Lil Dicky poppin' out in South Central?
- I can't believe this. - Oh, is this South Central?
Like Don't Be a Menace?
Hey, you the engineer that be at the studio, right, bro?
- Yeah, papi, Elz. - Papi?
Save that gay shit for New York, bro. We on the west right now.
I'm messing with you, man. My uncle gay.
And he a cold-ass nigga. Come on in, y'all.
- Hey, we got company. - Hi. Catherine.
Moms, we don't just got anybody in the spot right now.
We got Lil Dicky in here. He one of the best new rappers in the game.
- Oh, what's up, Lil Dicky? - Oh, no, I'm a normal person.
That thing right there is Lil Dicky.
I'm the rapper, isn't that funny? I'm Lil Dicky.
But call me Dave. I prefer that.
Oh. Well, why you call yourself Lil Dicky? You got a Lil Dicky?
Soft, it's never even grown at all, since I was a child, but...
No, it's just kind of like a... play on a rap name.
The opposite of what you'd expect.
So, you're a satirical rapper.
Jackpot. See? I told you people understand what I'm doing.
So, Gata, I have something relatively serious
I need to talk with you about. Remember that guy Nutti
that you set me up with for the YG verse?
So, they said "yes" to doing a song.
I sent him $10,000.
As soon as the money went through,
he completely stopped responding to all my text messages.
And the whole thing feels very...
- Coincidental and... - Wait. Coincidental how?
You know, I have to assume that my money's gone,
and Gata set the whole thing up, so I don't mean to be accusing...
Hold up, bro. Ain't nobody run off with nothing, man.
Nutti changed his number. You got to kill that energy in my house, though.
- Nutti changed his cell phone number? - That's what I just said.
Who would change their number in the middle of a $10,000 wire exchange?
I'm sending you his new line right now. Relax.
Okay, I'm gonna text him right now.
Come on, bro, you got me looking crazy.
No, I wasn't saying that I was certain it was you, by the way.
I was just trying to think about what happened
and replaying everything and thinking about who the suspects
- could even be and... - Oh, and you thought of my son.
Gee, I wonder why that is.
Small things to a giant. I ain't even tripping, this shit regular.
People size me up all the time and stereotype me.
Putting me in a box like I'm some thug. Just like you.
You look like a nerd, all corny. But you rap hard, though.
Like, people play they self when they do that shit, man.
How you gonna do me like that?
I hear you.
And... it seems I have made a fool of myself
and I'm very sorry.
- You should be. - I know. And I'm...
embarrassed.
I'm sorry. Oh, my God. Nutti just responded.
He says if we go right now, we can do the verse.
- YG in the studio right now? - Yeah.
Oh, I got to go with you, bro. We got to get this sorted out.
- Please come. You'll come? - Yeah, I'm going.
What's up?
Hi.
Lil Dicky, remember?
Lil Dicky. What up, bro?
- Oh, whoa, whoa! - Balmain, down.
Try to control your fear. He can smell fear.
Control my fear? How do I do that? I reek of fear.
Just chill, man. Relax.
- Balmain. - Ah!
Damn, even the dog Balmain? That's hard.
- Yo, what you doing here, bro? - I'm just in here, chilling.
You know what I'm saying, seeing what's good. What's good, Nutti?
- Nah, nah, you got to skate, man. - I'm the one that set this up.
I don't give a fuck, bruh.
Hey, man, it's like... Man, you being extra, too, man.
You burnt out, bro.
Come on, man.
Hate broke niggas. Shit make me nervous.
For sure.
YG, Lil Dicky.
What up, man? Good to meet you.
So...
I don't know what Nutti has told you,
but I've got this one song called "Girth" that I really
think would be a huge...
Hey, D, hey, hey. Turn the bass up, bro.
Beggars with dough, she fuck it up, she know I got knots
The money come, the money go, man, this shit don't stop
White Ferrecci 'cause she with it, she a top-notch broad
Steady lookin' over my shoulder
Man, this shit don't stop
Tryin' to get that money till this shit don't stop
I'm tryin' to pull up foreign, tryin' to pull up drop
I'm buyin' all designer, tryin' to hit your thot
Ghetto YG, these Glocks, tell 'em hit your block
You see this old watch, you see the diamond clock
You see this a drop, you know it cost a lot
She see me, she gonna thot, I see you, we gonna box
Need to let my Eagle drop, need to let my Eagle drop
Yeah, yeah, I don't care, war gear, I declare...
Guns! Wow.
Could've used a heads-up about that.
Lot of guns over here.
Oh.
Sorry, I just noticed all the weaponry.
I didn't know if something was afoot,
or if the safeties were on, or what.
Hey, 'Rell, you know he a rapper?
Thought he was a new intern.
No, 'Rell. You've got me all wrong.
I'm actually one of the best rappers alive.
Yeah. And in five years, you're gonna replay
this entire moment and be like, "Wow, not only was he right,
"but I was so lucky to spend that quality time with him
before he really took off."
That's what every rapper say. The same shit.
Well, every good rapper has to feel that way.
Do you want to pull up the session that I want to work on
with you and see if I'm just like every other...
You be fucking black bitches, Lil Dicky?
You said, "Do I fuck black bitches?"
Do you fuck black bitches, Lil Dicky?
Well, statistically, I certainly skew white.
So, what kind of hos you fuck with, then, Lil Dicky?
What type of hos? Well, you know, I've got a girlfriend.
So, I typically fuck with her. Fuck on her. All that.
Real cute girl. Honestly, the sex is very solid.
Uh, she has recently just switched birth controls, though,
which... her vagina gets dryer faster, which...
- I'm giving way too much information. - Bruh.
Her pussy really dry?
- Sometimes. - Oh, yo.
I will keep my ear to the pussy the next time I'm in that ass,
or... pussy, I guess, 'cause I've never done anal.
Don't think I'd like it very much.
Are you guys going to Coachella this year or what?
Hey, man. Hold up, man. I got to get you on my Instagram, bruh.
- Oh, is it a video or a picture? - It's a video, bruh. Spit some shit.
You funny as fuck. Rap to the fans, Lil Dicky.
Oh, I don't know about that, I don't...
Spit some shit, Lil Dicky. Rap!
You know, I'm really, I...
wasn't prepared at all for this type of thing.
Don't film yet. Are you filming? I don't, uh...
Man, I thought this dude was a rapper.
Man, yo, Peter Parker's scared to rap. Hey, D.
Fuck it, man. Hey, let's make a beat from scratch.
Fuck this nigga.
Wait.
Allow me to tell y'all what I'm 'bout
Like a dinner, you got reservations
But I'm 'bout to eat up all the doubt
Hey, come on, I'm a flower, let me sprout
Lookin' like I'm straight out of Comic-Con
Scrawny Don, hungry, Ramadan
My mama wrong, she don't think I got a job
But I'm-a make great cheese like Parmesan, I'm hardly on
But the rent paid
'Cause you know the pussy flow good, I menstruate
If we got off on the wrong foot like Bengay
It's because I'm higher than a bitch, men's pay
Rappers thinkin' that they hot, blow your nose
Motherfuckers, it's not, I ain't never fought a man
In my life, I have only slept with
Four different girls, still you could get it, though
Get every crevice, though, come on some chicken
Like fresh mozzarella, hella good Ebonics
I think like a comic, my females got bombs
On their body like they were jihadists
And my libido is scary like Magic Johnson near mosquitoes
Mm, I'm tactical, I'm back and forth
From actin' dull to rappin' for you, attractin', lurin'
The faction formin', the track's recorded, it's about
To put me on the racks like a fashion store
I just want a girl let me hit it on a workday
I don't think my dick has grown at all
Since the first grade, I'm-a get the cake
With my gifts like a birthday
Separatin' with my lines like two lanes
I don't want a Grammy, bro, I got two
And they're fairly old, stay with more bars than a graph
I'm on top of the class, hop in a bath with a bad
Little lady with ass, I'm makin' her laugh, the neck
Like a baby giraffe, shakin' it fast, makin' it last
Haters amass, sayin' I'm bad, it's like an eighth grader
Trainin' the class, it's crazy and blasphemous
I'm 'bout to break 'em in half, I'm makin' my path
I'm waitin' on my break like a cast, somebody get a boy
A gig, he got drive and flash.
Like a flash drive.
- He kind of tight. Yeah. - Damn.
Hey, Lil Dicky bitch, if you listening,
hit him with that slickness tonight!
- Oh-oh-oh. Uh... - None of that dry shit.
Don't take that birth control till tomorrow, baby.
Did you post that already? Please don't post that. Did you post it?
Yeah.
- Oh. - Hey, I'm tired, bro.
I'm going. Let's go.
Wait, where are you guys going?
Oh, we got a quick Europe run.
We'll be back in a few weeks.
A few weeks? What do you mean? What about the verse?
Oh. Oh, nah, nah.
We'll take care of that when I get back.
- I would love to settle up right now. - Yo, yo, yo.
Why you pressin' me, bro?
I don't like that shit. Twin.
Wait.
Wait a minute. Just... slow down. I don't...
Are you gonna change your number between now and then?
I said I got you.
Wait a minute. Hold on. Hold the phone. Hold on.
Yo, yo.
Hey, man, uh, so, I paid
you guys my life savings to get on one of my songs,
and we were supposed to work on it tonight,
and that did not happen.
Damn, bro.
My bad.
- You know, I don't... - Bro, don't trip.
When I get back, we gonna do something crazy.
- A'ight? - You promise?
I got you.
We good?
Yeah, we're good.
Man, YG get a couple hits, go all Hollywood.
Had me out here for an hour, bro.
Did he do the verse or what?
No, he didn't do the verse.
He did put me on his Instagram rapping for, like, two minutes.
- He put you on his Instagram rapping? - Yeah, and it's going viral.
- I can't believe that. - Yeah, look.
Dang, that... This is way sicker than a verse.
He basically directed a music video for you, bro.
Gata, I am incredibly high.
Would you drive my car?
I got you, bro. Let's wiggle.
Okay.
Hey, be honest with me.
Were you just using me to get into the studio with them?
Man, you know I got to do what I got to do, bro.
I'm a positive opportunist. You know how I gander and wiggle.
We 'posed to be like Kobe and Shaq, bro. I got to get mine.
You 'posed to throw it off the glass, bro. I rap, too.
- Like, what's good? I ain't... - No, I'm not mad. I...
I'm honored to be a part of your gander, as you would put it.
I think it's cool.
I think we're gonna be telling this story at our 50th birthday parties.
50th birthday party? What's really good with this weekend?
What's the plot, fool?
I'm not doing anything this weekend.
I need to rest.
My dick sucks, my dick sucks
My dick sucks, fuck!
My dick sucks, my dick sucks
My dick sucks, fuck!
Hey, girl, hey, girl
Hey, girl, what you tryin' to say, girl?
When you see my dick, you may hurl
But I'm still kind of hot like May, girl
Whoa, girl, whoa, girl
I'm just tryin' to let you know, girl
My dick sucks fo' sho', girl
But I make up for that
Like, even though my dick is shorty
It sit there like it's Gotti
And it do good work like Gandhi
And it might grow more like Brawny, probably not
Got bitches in the lobby, their body language obvi
If five-inches the over-under, I'm underdog like Rocky
They don't care about my cock
I could use a pussy mop
In the scene like I'm a prop
She saw me and went in shock
Technically I'm unemployed...
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