No, I didn't say that.
Henry, you sent us 15 pounds of flounder.
No, I didn't say that.
No, I keep telling you, this is a bar and grill.
I don't see your girlfriend going out
with anyone but yourself.
We only serve steak, chicken, chicken, steak, that's it.
There's a big difference there. No. No, I keep telling you.
I didn't say no one would go out with your girlfriend.
What I said was, I can't see your girlfriend going out with anyone but you.
It does not taste like chicken. Look, I may be blind
but I'm not stupid. Can you hold on a sec?
ALEX TREBEK: A famous 1924 campaign slogan was "Keep cool with this man."
Herbert Hoover. Calvin Coolidge.
TREBEK: Rita. RITA: Who is Calvin Coolidge? Yes.
Hail to the Chief for $800, please.
Show off. TREBEK: Answer: Daily Double.
Not, no, not your girlfriend, Jimmy.
MARISSA: Great. No problem.
You wouldn't believe my day, I'll tell you.
Sewer exploding at 12:00, then I gotta run over,
and I gotta stop a monkey from freezing to death. Can you believe that?
3:00 today. No, today. It's gotta be today.
Why would I think your girlfriend is a show-off?
There's nothing I can do with it.
I got a monkey that's a mascot.
It's stinking up my freezer, Henry.
Kid leaves the door open in the cage.
It's gotta go. It's gotta go.
All these other little kids screaming and hollering
about the misfortune of Mikey the Monkey.
TREBEK: He was the last of three men to serve as president in 1881.
Millard Fillmore. Chester Arthur.
CONTESTANT: Who is Chester Arthur?
TREBEK: You are correct. After Garfield.
How did she do that?
Okay. "Actors and Actresses" for $200.
No, get it out of here.
It was nice talking to you.
Put it in the Dumpster. Why are you so concerned
about what I think about Gina? I don't go out with her.
I'm trying to work with you.
I'm sticking it in the Dumpster.
CHUCK: Saving the world:
It's not always as glamorous as it sounds.
Some days you're running through burning buildings,
saving lives.
Other days, you're searching the city for a lost monkey.
Some mornings, you wonder why you even bothered
to get out of bed.
So, how do you save the world?
I guess you try not to think too much
and just do it one monkey at a time.
(grunting)
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(monkey screeching)
Mikey? Mikey?
(monkey chatters)
Here, monkey, monkey, monkey.
(monkey squeals)
(groans)
For Pete's sake.
The things I gotta do. I gotta chase a monkey around town.
Hey, monkey!
(monkey screeching)
Mikey? I'm talking to you, Mikey.
All right, I hear you.
(monkey squealing)
Hold on, I'm coming.
Okay, where'd you go?
Is that you out on that catwalk, buddy?
Hey, come on. Don't make me come out there.
Mikey?
(chattering)
(loud crashing, Gary screaming)
GARY: Oh!
Somebody help! Mikey!
Anyone! I could use a little help here!
(theme music playing)
CHUCK: What if you knew, beyond a doubt,
what was going to happen tomorrow?
What would you do?
There's no easy answer
for a guy who gets tomorrow's news today.
♪
(rooster crows)
Hmm,
that's interesting.
It says here they're gonna close the Food World down the street.
Mm-hmm.
Um, they're opening one of those
Bargain Barn superstores.
Mm...
It says here it should open next March.
Hon?
Hmm?
I've already read the paper.
Oh.
Well, you just have to say so.
I just did.
(cat meows)
(newspaper thuds)
(meows)
Huh?
Weird. It's Gary's paper.
Do you have any idea what time it is?
Yeah, it's about two minutes after the last time
you asked me, which makes it, what?
8:47.
Mm-hmm. Look, Chuck,
I know you're worried, but Gary's...
Worried? I am not worried.
I am annoyed.
Annoyed?
Yeah. We are running a business here, okay?
I have things to discuss with Gary;
business things.
And I think it's a little careless of him
not to at least leave a note, you know?
"Back in ten minutes. Back next week.
"Back next year.
I am never coming back". Whatever.
Mm-hmm. You're worried. I am not...
(phone rings)
Gary?
Chucko, is that you?
Who is this?
Bernie. Bernie Hobson.
Bernie? Bernie, I can barely hear you.
Gotta keep my voice down.
These walls have ears.
Uh, nothing. Nothing at all.
Don't give me "nothing". Where's Gary?
He's... out.
That's what I was afraid of.
I got the paper!
You what?
That's right, the paper,
the furball, the whole nine yards,
right here on my front porch.
(whispering): Bernie got his paper.
Are you sure it's tomorrow's?
Of course I'm sure.
It's right here in black and white.
Now where's Gary?
We don't know. He didn't show up this morning.
He didn't call, he didn't write, nothing.
All right, all right, keep your pants on.
I got the grey ghost all gassed up and I'm on my way.
I'll be there in 180 minutes.
170 if the bladder holds up.
We're going on a trip.
(sotto voce): I can't believe he got the paper.
(sniffing)
Bernie?
Sorry, hon. You need the potty?
What are you doing?
You know, you gotta give it to these commies.
They make a hell of a cigar.
We've talked about this.
What's that?
Smoking in the house.
Are you kicking me out?
What?!
Are you giving me the boot?
I didn't. I just...
All right, I get the message.
You don't have to tell Bernie Hobson twice.
Ten-four.
(toilet flushes) Over and out.
Bernie, what is the matter with you?
You don't want me stinking up
the house with my fumes, fine, But...
You cannot unsay what's already been said.
Where did that cat come from?
Bye, Lois.
Where are you going?
So he came down to the bar before he left for the day,
but he didn't tell you where he was going?
You know, I-I don't remember.
I mean, Chuck was on the phone, I was on the phone.
Didn't you hear anything he said, Chuck?
I didn't even know he was there, okay? Brilliant.
Heads up, sports fans! Bernie's back!
Bernie!
Chucko!
What are you doing here? 150 miles?
How'd you get here so fast?
Good lane choices and proper metabolic management.
Marissa.
Hey, Bernie.
It's been too long, hmm.
Have we met?
Briefly.
All right, enough idle chitchat.
We got a crisis here.
Yeah.
What am I missing? Somebody fill me in.
That's all we know.
And we haven't heard from him since yesterday.
Strange.
Uh, may I, please?
Hands off the paper!
What did the cops say?
We didn't call the cops.
Well, why the hell not? Get me a phone.
CRUMB: Waste of time.
Excuse me?
The cops can't do anything
till someone's been missing for 48 hours.
And what are the facts here?
We got a good-looking kid who didn't come home last night.
What I'm saying here is
that it's not beyond the realm of human possibility
that the young man is out having himself a good time.
MARISSA: You-you mean Gary?
The man is a monk.
Wait a minute. He's right.
The kid's a chip off the old block.
He's a Hobson. He's got my genes. He's got my glands.
I've been there myself.
But, um, Gary's so responsible.
The man leaves a message if he goes to the john.
It's obvious the kid is out racking up some R&Rs
and he's lost touch of time.
Now, the paper has chosen me to pinch hit for him.
See this story?
CHUCK: "Suicide jumper leaps..."
Somebody out there needs me.
Why you?
Why not me? Why don't I take the paper
while you stay here and wait
for Gary to call? If anybody should
fill in for Gary, it should me moi, not toi.
Chucko, the paper came to me.
I'm his best friend.
I'm his old man!
Okay, partners.
Forget it.
Come on, Bern. It'll be fun.
Just you and me, pal.
Yeah, sure. You can wait in the car.
Oh, boy.
Jerzy?
Jerzy Carpathian?
How do you know my name?
Don't do this.
Who are you?
Bernie. I'm your friend.
No! Don't come any closer!
Come closer, I jump. I swear, I do it!
This is not the answer.
That's it?
That's all you got?
You, you climb up onto ledge
with suicidal man,
and all you have to offer is, "This is not the answer"?
Okay, okay.
How about, "Things aren't as bad as they look"?
How do you know?
You don't know.
For all you know, things are worse than they look!
Ten times worse than they look!
CHUCK: Then go ahead and jump!
Oh, no.
JERZY: Who is he?
His name is Chuck Fishman.
He's a major pain in the ass.
I thought I told you to stay downstairs.
And miss this? Are you crazy?
Go on, do it.
And do a... do a somersault on your way down.
We'll even give you a score.
What the hell are you doing?
It's called tough love.
(whispers): I saw it in a Clint Eastwood movie.
This is my gig, Fishman.
Now, butt out.
JERZY: Just leave me alone.
It's about a girl, isn't it?
No.
She threw you out of the house.
Changed all the locks.
Told you she needed her space.
It's not girl.
It's, it...
It's a guy?
That's okay.
Chicago's a very open city.
We all watch that show Ellen.
I should have gone to bridge.
I thought the roof would be more private.
Who comes to roof?
Jerzy! Let's talk about this!
Bernie!
(screaming)
And then, kaboom. Splat.
The two of 'em, liquefied all over the pavement.
What?
Yeah. Well, that's what would have happened,
if the rescue squad hadn't shown up
with that giant air mattress.
(Bernie screaming)
I don't like this!
You called them, didn't you?
Well, yeah, I did.
I mean, I figured between you and Bernie,
that jumper didn't have a chance.
Where's Bernie, anyway?
(Bernie laughing)
It's all right, people. It's all right.
No need to panic.
Everything is under control.
Get this man away from me!
This man is lunatic!
He should be on medication!
BERNIE: Nothing unusual here.
Just a concerned citizen looking out for his fellow man. All right, buddy...
You know what they say: It takes a village...
Uh-huh. Name, please?
Bernie. Bernie Hobson.
"H", as in hero, "O"...
What were you doing on the roof, Mr. Hobson?
What do you mean, what was I doing on the roof?
What did it look like I was doing on the roof?
To tell you the truth, looked like
you pushed that fella off the roof.
Are you kidding me?!
I saved that fellow's life!
Jerzy?
Jerzy, tell this guy.
I saved your life, right?
Crazy man! Stay away from me!
Crazy man!
MARISSA: So he was arrested?
Why didn't you bail him out?
I tried.
I went down to the station house.
I couldn't find him.
He's deep in the bowels of the system.
Basic intake.
They give him a number, take his picture,
take his prints, check him for priors,
de-louse him for head lice.
Then you can bail him out.
Whole thing takes about eight hours.
Thank you for sharing.
Gary disappears, Bernie's arrested.
(sighs) What's next?
(cat meows, paper thuds)
(meows)
Hi, little guy.
Are you lost?
Where did you come from?
Make yourself at home.
GARY: Can anybody hear me?!
Somebody?
Hello?
(rumbling)
Oh, no.
Oh!
Need a little help here!
Excuse me.
I'm looking for my husband, Bernie Hobson.
I need to know his condition,
and which hospital you sent him to.
Ma'am, I don't know who you're talking about.
My husband, Bernie Hobson.
He was shot here yesterday.
I know it's a big city...
OFFICER: Nobody was shot here.
But it says so right here in the newspaper.
Lois?
Bernie!
Are you all right?
What are you doing here?
Oh, are you okay?
They said you got shot.
Shot? I didn't get shot.
Who said I got shot?
It said so.
It was front page story.
What story?
Right here in the Chicago Sun-Times.
Are you in some sort of trouble?
Does it say who shot me?
Um, a vagrant, a kook. I don't know.
I didn't read it that closely.
I mean, honestly, Bernie,
sometimes I don't think I know you anymore.
You don't tell me where you're going.
You sign us up for a Chicago newspaper,
and you get shot, you don't call...
Gun! Get down, Lois!
(gunshot)
BERNIE: He's got a gun!
Get his gun!
You all right?
I'm fine.
You?
Right as rain.
But the paper said...
We should talk.
Our son gets tomorrow's newspaper today?
And a cat.
I know it's a lot to wrap your mind around...
the future, the past, this whole time and space thing... but...
but if you sit with it for a little bit,
and start thinking about it, you'll...
And you've known about this for how long?
Well, for about a year.
You know, since the last time I visited Gary.
And during that time, you didn't say a thing.
Not one word.
Wait a minute.
Is that what's bothering you?
I'm your wife, Bernie.
Granted.
But what about the fact
that it's impossible to get tomorrow's paper today?
Doesn't that just shake you up a hair?
An eeny-teensy-weensy bit?
No. I find a lot of things in this world incomprehensible,
but my husband shouldn't be one of them. Come on, Lois.
I can't believe you didn't tell me.
He's my son, too.
I know. I know.
Oh, no. You had to just go off
and have your own little adventure alone.
Any excuse to leave the house.
Come on, Lois, don't start that.
This has become a pattern with you, Bernie.
It is not a pattern.
This is not like any other time.
This is about our son.
Exactly!
Our son.
Now, do you think, if I found out
that our son could predict the future,
that I would hold that back from you?
Well, I...
Uh-uh, answer the question.
I didn't think you could handle it.
Mrs. Hobson, what about your husband?
Aren't you gonna post bail?
Keep him.
Uh-oh.
Mrs. Hobson, how are you?
It's good to see you.
Chuck, how long have you known?
Known about what?
The paper. How long?
I don't believe this.
Everybody's getting it but me.
You've known about this from the very start, haven't you?
It's Gary's fault.
He wouldn't let me tell anyone.
I wanted to.
I begged him. I pleaded.
I said, "Gary, at least tell your mother.
She deserves it," I said.
But he wouldn't listen to me.
You know how stubborn he could be.
Chuck, I have this condition.
The doctors call it "crap intolerant".
I can only take so much B.S. before I explode.
(Crumb laughs)
(stops laughing)
Does my son pay you to mix drinks,
or smirk at the customers?
A little of both.
Can I get you something?
Yeah. How about a Over Under Indian Leg Breaker?
You think you can whip up one of those?
Is that with oregano, or without?
With.
Marion Crumb.
Lois Hobson.
Pleased to meet you.
CHUCK: So we told Bernie the whole story,
and he said not to worry, that Gary probably met someone.
Who?
You know, a girl, or something like that.
Well, that's what he said.
He said, you know Gary, he's just a chip off the old block.
And you believed him? Yeah.
A guy answering Gary's description
was seen on the corner of Broadway and, uh, Lawrence
a couple days ago.
Apparently, he was directing traffic around a fuel spill.
CHUCK: Sounds like Gary.
A friend of mine's a detective in the 13th.
He'll meet us there in about an hour.
Do you know a, a bar the, uh, Green Mill?
Yeah. What about it?
Is that on the way?
Yeah. Why?
CHUCK: Could you...
Could you just give us a second, please?
(whispering): He doesn't know?
He has no idea.
Now, let me see.
"Barroom brawl leaves one..."
So, uh, this is the way Gary does it, right?
He just, he finds a story, and then he goes?
That's it. (chuckles)
Well, I have to admit, it's a bit exciting.
It's thrilling.
Who wants a piece of Anatoly?
Prepare to suffer the wrath of the angry Carpathian.
(grunting)
(glass shattering)
Hey!
Uh-oh.
All right, you guys have had your fun.
Game's over.
It's a cop, Jimbo.
Come on, put the little guy down.
CRUMB: Come on.
Fine. He's down.
You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
Come on. What's the matter with you guys?
Get out of here.
And you...
What the hell were you thinking of?
(gasps)
Nobody calls Anatoly Carpathian "little guy."
Fine, you want to stop someplace else, or we go find your son?
So, Jerzy, let me in on the secret.
Why'd you do it? Why did you jump?
You ever hear of "The Four Carpathians"?
No.
That is why.
Nobody has heard of us.
So what are you, a circus act, or something?
Aerialists.
My brothers and me.
We did the trapeze, the high wire,
and the spectacular Carpathian catapult,
on which patent is pending.
Hey, that sounds great.
Back home in Latvia,
we are the hope of our village.
They send us to America to become famous
so that we can send money back home,
so there can be hospitals, schools, maybe even video store.
They say, "Go.
Go, share your gifts with the world."
The world doesn't want our gift.
They want tiger, they want dancing girls...
They want clowns!
Always clowns.
Little men who paint faces.
(honking)
We make no money.
Still, our village suffer.
But we Carpathians,
we are hearty people.
We keep trying.
Until one year ago, Tuesday,
my brother Karl announce he's quitting.
No!
He's going to California.
He has new dream.
Wants to be in commercials.
Wants to be man to say, "Got Milk?"
on TV.
We say, "Go.
"Get milk!
We'll succeed without you."
Well, four Carpathians,
failure.
Three Carpathians, big failure.
Our big mistake is,
we don't stick together.
It's like they say in my village.
"Carpathian...
(speaking Latvian)
...Carpathian."
(laughing)
You lost me there, Jerz.
Translated means, "For one Carpathian to fly..."
ANATOLY: "All Carpathians must fly."
Anatoly!
Jerzy!
My brother! My brother!
(loud kisses)
(in unison): Ha...
(rhythmic grunting )
(laughing): Hey!
Fate has brought us together again!
Anatoly, I feel like I know you.
Who is this man?
This man, this man, he saved my life.
He is like brother to me.
Brother! Brother!
Ow. Oh...
I'm working on it. I'm working on it.
Please, work more.
DETECTIVE: Take it easy, Crumb.
Good luck.
Three eyewitnesses put Gary here day before yesterday.
None of them saw where he went.
So what now?
Well, let's get some copies made of Gary's picture.
We'll get lucky; you'll see.
Marion...
that man.
CRUMB: Yeah? What about him?
The scarf.
That's Gary's scarf.
You sure?
Yeah. I made it for him three years ago.
It's Gary's.
Hey, buddy, hold up.
Hang on a second. Oh, come on.
Hey!
I don't believe this!
Come on, stop!
Hold it!
Are you okay?
Is this his?
Yeah.
Don't worry. We'll find him.
GARY: Cat?
Is that you?
Cat?
(cat meowing)
(plaster cracking, metal creaking)
(gasps)
(cat meowing)
Well, don't just stand there.
Why don't you go get some help, huh?
(meows)
I'm looking for a monkey, and I'm talking to a cat.
BERNIE: No, it seems to me
that you guys have a marketing problem.
Have you ever tried direct mail?
Who can afford postage?
Bernie, hey! How you doing?
Hey, Chucko!
Good to see you!
I'm getting out.
You got my bail?
Uh, no. But I got your lunch.
Gnocchi. Your favorite.
You're not bailing me out?
I wanted to, Bern, but it actually...
It-it wasn't up to me.
Lois.
Yeah.
She gave me specific instructions
that under no circumstances was I to bail you out.
She was pissed, Bernie.
And when that woman is mad, she is scary.
I'm sorry.
Oh, you don't have to tell me.
My advice?
Apologize.
I can't do that. Sure you can.
Just tell her that whatever you did, you're sorry.
That you were wrong.
I was not wrong!
Okay, fine.
It's none of my business.
Enjoy your lunch.
Hey.
Did he apologize?
Not in so many words, but he was thinking about it.
I-I could tell. You could see it in his eyes.
Listen, I-I really think you should reconsider.
I mean, you should see his cellmates.
I think they put him in the psycho ward.
He'll survive.
You're a tough cookie, Lois.
"Shot by a convenience store clerk,
the robber, Fyodor Carpathian, died at the scene."
Carpathian.
Why do I know that name?
Yeah, can I help you? Give me all your money.
Whoa, whoa. Easy there. What do you think you're doing, man? This is a...
Excuse me. I'm looking for some deodorant.
I do not work here.
The roll-on kind, about this big, musk-scented.
Lois, why don't you just let me...
Like the one you have under your shirt.
What? He's holding me up with antiperspirant?
That is lame.
I do not know what you are talking about.
Get away.
Fyodor...
How do you know my name?
Drop the deodorant.
No. I need money.
You're gonna get hurt.
I do not care.
My brothers are in jail.
They count on me to bail them out.
(sighs) Fyodor, let me ask you one question.
If your mother were here, what would she say?
She would say, "This is no way for Carpathian to act."
Go ahead, call police.
Look, buddy, why don't you just move along.
I want to go to jail.
I want to be with my brothers.
Fyodor, this is America.
You only go to jail if you commit a crime.
Well? What about now?
Careful.
Easy does it.
There you go!
This is what we call the "Tower of Carpathia."
What do we do now? Now...
We sing. we sing.
♪ Give me land, lots of land under starry skies above ♪
ALL: ♪ Don't fence me in ♪
♪ Let me ride through the wide open country that I love ♪
(solo): ♪ Don't fence me in. ♪
Brothers, have you replaced me already?
Fyodor! Fyodor!
It is like family reunion, right here in American prison.
What a country.
CARPATHIANS: Brother!
(loud kisses)
(in unison): Ah!
(rhythmic grunting)
(laughing)
Brother!
(grunting)
Ow! Ahh!
Slow learner. Geez!
Tell me the truth.
In your professional opinion,
do you think something's happened to Gary?
Don't take this the wrong way, now.
Your kid is... a little different.
Strange-Strange things seem to happen when he's around.
I'm-I'm-I'm getting used to that.
You didn't answer my question.
You want to know what I think?
Someone,
or something is looking out for that kid.
I mean, he'll be fine. You'll see.
Oh, I feel like I'm trespassing, it's been so long.
So, you-you don't visit a lot, huh?
We've drifted.
The whole family.
I think we've been drifting ever since Gary left home.
Are you married, Mr. Crumb?
Was.
Evelyn died 13 years ago.
Lung cancer.
Did you and Evelyn...
Did you ever run out of things to talk about?
Not yet.
You know, Bernie and I,
we've been married a very long time.
I think we're falling apart.
I think he's bored with me.
Oh, I couldn't buy that.
You're not the kind of woman that men become bored of.
That-that-that's my-my professional opinion.
(knocking at door)
Phone call.
Gary's credit card turned up on a trace.
How long ago?
It's being used right now.
Okay, you got ten pre-washed, ten stone-washed, ten unwashed,
loose-fit, easy-fit, and you want these.
Baggy-fit.
Very big with the kids.
Yes.
I'm just waiting on an authorization
on your credit card.
Computer's slow.
Do you have your driver's license on you, Mr. Hobson?
Oh, I'm sure he does.
But it's not his.
You Gary Hobson?
Yes. Yes, I am.
I'd like you to meet your mother.
(meowing)
I don't care if you stole it, okay?
I don't care if you ripped off a...
a busload of nuns.
All I want to know is, where did you find the wallet?
This is getting old, friend.
We got a guy out there,
he's been missing for a couple days now.
He might be hurt. He might be worse than hurt.
And all I got to work with is you.
Listen, you don't realize how lucky you are.
The only reason you're sitting here
instead of in the station house right now
is because I've got a couple of good friends down there.
Now, I need to know where you found the wallet,
and I need to know now.
(growling)
Where's Bernie?
Well, I meant to bail him out, I really did.
I mean, we're very close to finding Gary.
Bernie should be here, but... What happened?
Well, he gave me an ultimatum.
He said he wouldn't let me bail him out
unless I bailed out his friends, too.
Yeah, but what friends are you talking about?
The Carpathian brothers.
Hello.
So what are you gonna do about your husband?
Well, I only had enough money for three.
It was an easy choice... I hate ultimatums.
How's it going?
Oh, the man is a vault.
Nothing gets in, nothing gets out.
I think we're gonna have to hand him over.
Anatoly, Fyodor, look who it is!
I don't believe it!
Karl! Brother!
Brother! Brother! Brother!
(loud kisses)
Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!
(rhythmic grunting)
(laughter)
JERZY: You make it to California?
Did you get milk?
I got as far as Arizona.
Saw Grand Canyon.
Had epiphany.
It is brothers who matter.
I have been looking for you ever since.
So you got a voice after all.
And what are you doing here?
We caught him with a stolen credit card.
I was buying jeans for the entire village.
CRUMB: Ask him where he found the damn wallet.
Is true, Mrs. Hobson?
Karl steal wallet?
Well, he did have my son's credit card.
We just need to know where he found the wallet, Jerzy.
My son's missing... we need Karl's help.
I ask him.
Karl...
(speaking Latvian)
He say he-he find the wallet on the sidewalk
in front of theater, just sitting there.
(chuckles): He thought it was gift from God.
He... he no rob anybody.
He not even see anybody.
Can you take us there?
Uh, Karl, uh...
(speaking Latvian) ...a woman?
Da.
We go now?
Yeah. Okay, look, I'll, uh, I'll stay here,
and I'll wait in case Gary calls, and you...
Come on, let's get going here.
We got a damn booby hatch.
(grunting)
Anyone in here?
LOIS: Gary? We got to find some lights.
JERZY: Brothers, look at this place!
ANATOLY: Big theater!
FYODOR: What is that smell?
CRUMB: Hobson! You in here?
LOIS (calls): Gary?
GARY: Mom?
I'm up here. There he is! I see him!
JERZY: It's him! It's Gary Hobson! How'd he get up there?
GARY: You got to get me down.
Gary? I think I'm in trouble here.
LOIS: Just sit tight, honey.
Hope they still work.
(yells)
Lights come on?
You're gonna be all right.
CRUMB: Don't worry, we'll get you down.
Uh, good.
But you'd better hurry up, 'cause I think
this thing is about to fall.
JERZY: This is trouble.
Son, son, just d-don't move.
Well, th-that's great advice, Mom.
I heard that.
GARY: Oh, I've been trying not to move here for two days!
Look, we got to get somebody up there, but how?
We need a rope, a ladder.
We need to stack something up.
It must be 20 feet up there.
We need a catapult or something.
Did someone say catapult? Yes.
The Carpathian brothers are here to help!
Come on, brothers, let's get to work! Oh, dear.
(voice cracks): What's going on down there?
ANATOLY: Jerzy, over here!
LOIS: Just hold on, Gary.
It's, it's under control. We'll use these seats.
JERZY: Anatoly, quickly... every second counts!
("Saber Dance" playing)
Okay, ready.
CARPATHIANS: Brothers!
Who's that?
Don't worry, hon.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
(rhythmic grunting)
(all grunt)
JERZY: Ladies and gentlemen,
The Four Carpathians!
Oh, my, they're good.
Karl, you are up.
What's going on down there?
Jerzy, more height.
I will need a volunteer from the audience.
You, sir, how much do you weigh?
Excuse me?
Come on, you're not going to make me guess, are you?
Uh, 210, 220.
All right, 250.
Perfect.
What do I got to do?
You get on Karl's shoulders, you jump, I fly.
No, no, I don't jump.
Okay, I get on Karl's shoulders, I jump, you fly.
(Lois gasps, Gary yells)
Jerzy.
Marion!
All right, all right, I'll jump.
Very good. Very easy.
LOIS: Quickly!
Up you go.
Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for...
CRUMB: Hey, hey, hey!
Let's just get on with it, huh?
JERZY: Easy, easy.
Hold steady, now, policeman.
Hey, come on, what's going on?
Now!
Got you!
LOIS: Oh, my!
Do you think this is gonna work?
Oh, don't worry, I've seen this done a million times... it'll work.
LOIS: You're kidding, right?
JERZY: Two steps forward.
Pleased to meet you, Gary... my name's Jerzy.
JERZY: All right... turn around three steps.
ANATOLY: Turning...
three steps.
LOIS: It's coming down!
Gary.
What?
You slide, I catch.
I slide? What, are you nuts?
LOIS: Oh!
Okay, I'll slide.
Easy.
Come on, trust me.
LOIS: Be careful with him.
Easy.
That's good.
I slide?
(Lois gasps)
Problem, Gary, problem!
Gary... Jerzy must see!
Huh? Jerzy must see.
ANATOLY: We got him!
Okay.
All right, brothers,
get ready to dismount.
GARY: Dismount? One...
Dismount?! two...
three!
Whoa!
Hey! Hey!
(laughter)
(sighs) Thanks.
Are you all right? Oh, God.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine.
Oh, we've got to get you home.
We've got to clean you up.
I'll get you some good, hot soup.
Wouldn't that be good?
Yeah, that will be great. Where's Dad?
Uh, Dad.
Uh... Who are they?
Uh, you know what, son?
Let's talk about all that on the way home.
Okay? The important thing
is that you're alive. JERZY: You're good, you're good.
New Carpathian.
Carpathian hug. Oh, no.
CARPATHIAN: Brothers!
(loud kisses)
(in unison): Oh...!
(rhythmic grunting)
(all laughing)
I yelled until I was hoarse.
Now, I'll tell you, it was a very good performance.
Yeah, well, in the future,
when you see signs saying, "Do not enter,"
remember: they're there for a reason.
Yeah... yeah, all this because of a monkey.
MARISSA: Well, you made
a lot of kids happy, Gary.
Oh, great. And some kid found the monkey
and returned it to school.
See that, Gare?
In the primate world, you're still number one.
CRUMB: All right, what do you say we
get out of here, let the kid get some rest?
Come on. All right.
You get some rest.
You deserve it, you little monkey lover,
you. Sleep well.
(hooting like a monkey)
Hey, Crumb.
Yo.
Hey, listen, my... my parents, they...
What about them?
They seem all right to you?
What do you mean?
Well, I mean, they... they... they seem, uh...
Listen.
Your parents are fine.
They were just worried about you... that's all.
Trust me.
They'll be okay.
Get some rest.
Hey, Crumb.
Yeah.
Thanks.
(door closing)
Don't let me down, now.
What's that all about?
Come on, Lois, you haven't said
two words to me since you bailed me out.
Oh, you want to talk now.
What's that supposed to mean?
Every morning since you've been retired,
you could have talked to me then.
Every night, I lay right beside you in bed.
You could have talked to me then,
but you had to...
read your books and your magazines and ESPN.
You want to talk now.
Well, maybe I don't want to listen.
Fine.
You don't want to listen?
I'm going to tell you anyway.
You were right all along.
I did want to have an adventure on my own.
I should have told you about Gary
and the newspaper, but... You didn't think
I could handle it.
Nah, that's a load of crap.
I have never seen you
in a situation you couldn't handle.
You're the most capable woman I ever met.
Bernie, what is it?
What's going on?
What's going on is that...
you're better at this kind of thing than I am.
What kind of thing?
Saving the day, being a hero.
It's right up your alley.
Don't you see it?
You're the reason that Gary gets the newspaper.
Because deep down, that boy is just like you.
What's going on is...
that you don't need me anymore.
Bernie...
I don't do anything anymore.
But you're retired.
You've earned the right to relax.
I don't want to relax.
I want to be a hero.
Every now and then,
I want to go out and try and save the day.
So, then, when the newspaper
fell on our porch,
I just thought it was my opportunity
to see if I still had what it takes.
Look at you.
You're still as beautiful
as you were the day that we met.
Do you really mean that?
Of course, I mean it.
And look at me... I'm losing a step.
I go down to the Y, I can't go to the hoop like I used to.
Oh, you'll always be a high school senior to me.
You mean that?
Absolutely.
You are my hero.
You always will be.
Oh, God, I love you.
Oh, I thought I bored you.
Are you kidding me?
I spend all my time trying to keep up with you.
Let's just say good night to Gary.
Hey.
I got a better idea.
Let's not.
(sighs)
(mooing)
Mama!
Mama, look at this.
It's Brothers Carpathian.
(sighs)
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