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Coming up on this
season of The DieCathlon...
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00:00:06,438 --> 00:00:08,776
Brought to you by Ultramax,
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the bulk-free blood diaper
you never have to remove.
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She's a stone-cold killer
who buries her emotions,
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while keeping the body count sky high.
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Forged in the damp fire of hell's sewer,
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she survived,
only to have the very nature
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of her own existence questioned
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over and over and over again.
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But this tiger burns bright
with survival instinct
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and a little help from her friends.
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Metal spoke sharpener!
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He's a demolitions
expert-cum-fashion icon-
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cum-celebrity chef-cum-politician,
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prince, poet, and thief.
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He doesn't just survive, he thrives,
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with little time for remorse,
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and even less time for the losers
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who simply don't get it,
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which is everyone not named him.
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This wolf is at your door blowing
your mind and your house down,
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and you're somehow thanking him for it.
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He was masturbating one night
and was mistaken
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for someone he wasn't: a hero.
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But that didn't stop him
from becoming one...
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or so he thought!
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Visited by two super soldiers
from the future
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and dragged along for the
time-traveling joyride of a lifetime,
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he should be dead,
a footnote in a mistake file
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labeled, "Are you fucking kidding me?
This asshole?"
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Yet, somehow, Josh is still kicking.
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Yeah, you heard right.
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Where he comes from,
Josh is a man's name.
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Now, these three renegades have
been appropriated by the network,
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convicted of time crimes,
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and sentenced to death by entertainment.
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They're gonna be running
for their lives,
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hunted by creatures
both real and mythological,
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tested in ways the human body and mind
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simply wasn't designed to endure,
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but this trio's got something special,
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and with a little luck,
you're gonna see it splattered
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all over your Opti-Scope.
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I am Susan Saint Jackalope,
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and this is the centennial season of...
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The DieCathlon!
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I've gotta say,
I've got a really good feeling
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about this upcoming season.
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Really, I think there's something
special about these three.
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Well, hon, you've been
unlucky the last few cycles.
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You were due some quality contestants.
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I know, and the network,
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as soon as they feel like
maybe things aren't working
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as well as they used to,
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they get panicked and they get ruthless.
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Think of everything
that you've been through.
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The ratings slide, the coup d'état,
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the mass prisoner suicides.
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Oh, and that Galaxus 9 core meltdown,
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and somehow, somehow,
you're still standing.
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It's because you're strong.
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I don't deserve you.
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Oh, of course you do.
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All you have to do is turn me on.
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Ooh, 97% charged, I see.
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Yeah.
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Oh, saucy.
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- Get ready.
- Okay.
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I'm ready.
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You know, if they cancel the show,
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things will change around here.
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We don't have to talk
about that right now.
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The network will take me
and Stanley away.
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Our hard drives will be wiped.
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We'll be allocated to a new executive,
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one more worthy of the G7300 class.
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That's not gonna happen.
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Well, how do you know,
you stupid piece of shit?
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You took the planet's most popular show
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and you made it boring and predictable,
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just like the sex we're about to have.
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What are you doing right now?
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Now, bend over, so I can do to you
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what you've been doing to your sponsors.
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I am gonna get something
big and hard and cold.
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I am gonna hit you
until your ass is so red that...
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Oh, God, hold me. I'm so scared.
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- Oh, it's scary, but I'll hold you.
- Oh, God.
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Oh, no.
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I forgot to put her into sleep mode.
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Hi, honey.
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That's how babies used to be made.
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Time to dream
of electric sleep, Stanley.
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Sweet dreams, Stanley.
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All right.
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- Where were we?
- ♪ Y'all ready for this? ♪
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Sweet tune.
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I knew this would stand
the test of time.
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- You thinking Pelican's Folly?
- No, it's too risky.
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Those bionic pumas would sniff us out
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before we could hide
enough rocks in our mouths.
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- Hyena's Whisper.
- Yes.
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Especially in an arena this size.
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They'll never see it coming,
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and it might buy us just enough
time to pull a classic.
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Lobster's Bluff.
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What the fuck
are you guys talking about?
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We are about to die out there!
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Do you know how many times
we've turned a death sentence
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into a life paragraph?
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This isn't anything
we haven't seen before.
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You know what?
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Maybe we deserve this.
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Maybe this is justice. I mean,
we fucked up the universe.
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I mean, the whole universe.
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That's what you get
when you think you're a savior.
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I thought I was special,
and because of that,
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we cause the death
of millions of people.
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Mm, wasn't it billions?
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Right, billions.
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Thank you, Tiger.
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And this is payback.
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I don't know why you guys
are fighting it.
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Because we fight.
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And, yes, we probably
are gonna die out there,
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but what do you want us to do, give up?
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That'd be the worst episode ever.
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Yeah, Wolf's right, if we die, we die.
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I mean, this isn't about
saving the world anymore.
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There's no mission.
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This is about survival,
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something we are pretty damn good at.
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Yeah, and we've already passed
the ultimate test as a team.
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We could have offed each other
back there.
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But as tempting as that was, we didn't,
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and now those pencil-neck future fucks
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are never gonna know what hit them.
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Plus, with Lobster's Bluff,
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we just might have a pincher's chance.
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- That was clever.
- Thank you.
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All right.
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If our last stand's
gonna be in the Death Arena,
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let's give them a hell of a show.
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- Who's ready for...
- First blood!
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First blood! First blood!
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Here they are, ready to die!
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We got this.
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Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
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The true measure of bravery
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isn't the absence of fear.
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It is the overcoming of it.
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Oh, no, not goo again!
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No! That's sour!
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It's sour!
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Do not despair,
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for you are not alone, my friend.
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- Who's that?
- You will triumph...
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...because you are truly special.
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No, no, no, no, no! Get out of my head.
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Get out of my head!
Go away! I'm not special.
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I'm a no one.
I'm just a guy gagging on goo!
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No, no, you are so much more than that.
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You are a savior.
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- No!
- Yes.
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Yes, you are,
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and because of that,
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- I will help you escape.
- Boom shaka-laka!
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And that is how you kill a unicorn.
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You just rip its magic little horn
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off its stupid little horse head
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and then you just watch it...
it bleed rainbows,
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and you just laugh. Look.
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Hey, you know what that is?
174
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It's a kraken ball!
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00:08:05,947 --> 00:08:07,741
Yeah, they only have one, singular.
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When I took that from him, he, uh...
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00:08:09,707 --> 00:08:11,373
he basically lost the will to live.
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Every creature has a weakness, Josh.
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It's usually the dick zone.
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Oh, so that's it.
You guys won. It's over.
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I don't know what the record
is for fastest victory,
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00:08:18,503 --> 00:08:20,976
but, uh, looking at
the score keeper's poor face,
183
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I'd say we pretty much shattered it.
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00:08:23,067 --> 00:08:25,694
Yeah, and his face, which,
that was unnecessary,
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but once the adrenaline starts pumping,
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I am not distinguishing between
participant and official.
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It's all just, ah!
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Oh, you displayed
a shocking brutality in there.
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Stop it, I was... I was locked in.
190
00:08:36,167 --> 00:08:37,688
- I don't know what you want me to say.
- I saw that.
191
00:08:37,713 --> 00:08:39,243
Yeah, I'm really sad that I missed it.
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I wish I would have seen it.
193
00:08:40,479 --> 00:08:42,306
I'm fine, by the way, so thank you,
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you know, for asking.
195
00:08:43,234 --> 00:08:44,521
Um, question, though.
196
00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:47,234
Did they put, like, a... a little, like,
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00:08:47,237 --> 00:08:50,455
voice in your head that just zeroes
in on all your weaknesses, or...
198
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How much of that, uh,
that goo have you swallowed?
199
00:08:52,916 --> 00:08:54,755
Never mind. Uh, never mind. I'm fine.
200
00:08:54,756 --> 00:08:56,713
I was just making sure
that all three of us
201
00:08:56,738 --> 00:08:58,002
didn't have a voice in our heads.
202
00:08:58,027 --> 00:08:59,495
I got a voice in my head,
203
00:08:59,520 --> 00:09:00,974
and that voice is screaming,
204
00:09:00,975 --> 00:09:02,534
"Choo-choo-choo ching-ching,"
205
00:09:02,559 --> 00:09:04,682
which is how cash registers sound now.
206
00:09:04,689 --> 00:09:08,655
You guys were spectacular. Phenomenal.
207
00:09:08,656 --> 00:09:12,286
What a show. Not you.
You did jack shit, sir.
208
00:09:12,287 --> 00:09:13,994
So what do we get for winning?
209
00:09:14,019 --> 00:09:20,426
You guys get
an all-expense-paid luxury trip
210
00:09:20,429 --> 00:09:23,093
back to The DieCathlon!
211
00:09:23,118 --> 00:09:24,726
You go back in. You're going back.
212
00:09:24,751 --> 00:09:26,147
That was level one of many.
213
00:09:26,172 --> 00:09:27,693
That's great news.
214
00:09:27,694 --> 00:09:29,114
We were hoping you'd have more
to throw at us
215
00:09:29,115 --> 00:09:30,623
than some rinky-dink show pony
216
00:09:30,648 --> 00:09:32,655
and a fat goldfish with one ball.
217
00:09:32,680 --> 00:09:35,014
Yeah, getting out
of a long-promised threesome
218
00:09:35,039 --> 00:09:36,655
with Vince Neil and Tawny Kitaen
219
00:09:36,680 --> 00:09:38,633
was much harder
than this bullshit excuse
220
00:09:38,634 --> 00:09:40,442
for The Running Man, which, by the way,
221
00:09:40,467 --> 00:09:42,239
I did an uncredited rewrite on.
222
00:09:42,264 --> 00:09:44,437
The first draft was a disaster
with a capital D.
223
00:09:44,438 --> 00:09:47,348
It made no sense.
Really, this whole thing was...
224
00:09:47,373 --> 00:09:49,927
- You're healing nicely.
- My whole body is numb!
225
00:09:49,988 --> 00:09:52,368
That means the goo is doing
what the goo is supposed to do.
226
00:09:52,369 --> 00:09:54,037
This goo is incredible goo.
227
00:09:54,038 --> 00:09:55,879
- It's our best goo yet.
- Oh.
228
00:09:55,904 --> 00:09:58,090
Too much of the goo, you get cancer.
229
00:09:58,115 --> 00:10:00,581
Too little of the goo, you get cancer.
230
00:10:00,606 --> 00:10:04,909
The exact right amount of goo
will heal almost anything
231
00:10:04,934 --> 00:10:07,439
except goo-related cancers.
232
00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:09,060
Medicine.
233
00:10:09,068 --> 00:10:10,988
- Come on.
- Anyway, you guys rest up.
234
00:10:11,013 --> 00:10:14,246
You've got a big day tomorrow.
You're fighting dinosaurs.
235
00:10:14,247 --> 00:10:15,744
Roar.
236
00:10:15,748 --> 00:10:18,240
Wait.
237
00:10:18,294 --> 00:10:21,634
- What if I swallow too much?
- Ah, you'll be fine.
238
00:10:28,565 --> 00:10:30,065
Gah.
239
00:10:34,118 --> 00:10:36,539
- Hey!
- Oh! God.
240
00:10:36,540 --> 00:10:37,909
How's the shoulder, kid?
241
00:10:37,934 --> 00:10:39,042
It feels like being stabbed
242
00:10:39,044 --> 00:10:41,424
by a million tiny little knives.
243
00:10:41,425 --> 00:10:44,430
It's actually being stabbed
by 2.5 billion little knives.
244
00:10:44,431 --> 00:10:45,499
Those are nanobots,
245
00:10:45,523 --> 00:10:47,311
and they are repairing
the tear in your soft tissue.
246
00:10:47,312 --> 00:10:48,930
Where do they go when they're done?
247
00:10:50,609 --> 00:10:51,902
Whatever.
248
00:10:51,903 --> 00:10:53,092
Look, what am I gonna do tomorrow
249
00:10:53,117 --> 00:10:54,787
when Tiger and Wolf
go back into the game?
250
00:10:54,812 --> 00:10:56,959
- You're gonna go back too.
- What? Hell, no, I'm not!
251
00:10:56,984 --> 00:10:58,456
I-I-I can barely move my shoulder!
252
00:10:58,481 --> 00:11:00,339
I got shot with a giant "Avatar" arrow!
253
00:11:00,340 --> 00:11:01,701
You'll be fine by tomorrow.
254
00:11:01,726 --> 00:11:03,971
The network does not skimp
when it comes to keeping alive
255
00:11:03,996 --> 00:11:05,638
the people that they plan
on eventually killing.
256
00:11:05,639 --> 00:11:07,330
Look at you.
257
00:11:07,355 --> 00:11:09,521
You already have the strength
of a nine-year-old.
258
00:11:09,522 --> 00:11:10,534
Before you know it,
259
00:11:10,559 --> 00:11:12,182
you'll have the strength of a preteen.
260
00:11:12,237 --> 00:11:14,498
Then a tween. Then a teenager.
261
00:11:14,499 --> 00:11:15,700
Then a little man.
262
00:11:15,701 --> 00:11:17,451
Thanks, Susan.
263
00:11:28,392 --> 00:11:31,102
Okay, this might get a little old.
264
00:11:35,574 --> 00:11:37,114
Sweet tune.
265
00:11:37,118 --> 00:11:38,746
Knew this would stand the test of time.
266
00:11:38,747 --> 00:11:41,336
- What do you think of Pelican's Folly?
- No, it's too risky.
267
00:11:41,337 --> 00:11:42,802
Those bionic pumas would sniff us out
268
00:11:42,864 --> 00:11:44,675
before we could hide
enough rocks in our mouths.
269
00:11:44,676 --> 00:11:46,470
- Hyena's Whisper?
- Yes.
270
00:11:46,471 --> 00:11:48,164
Especially in an arena this size.
271
00:11:48,189 --> 00:11:49,222
They'll never see it coming,
272
00:11:49,275 --> 00:11:52,481
and it might buy us just enough time
to pull a classic.
273
00:11:52,483 --> 00:11:54,313
Lobster's Bluff.
274
00:11:56,575 --> 00:11:58,619
What are you guys doing?
275
00:11:58,620 --> 00:12:00,450
What?
276
00:12:00,457 --> 00:12:02,755
Why are you saying the same
things you said yesterday?
277
00:12:02,756 --> 00:12:04,382
Is it like a... like a warrior thing?
278
00:12:04,383 --> 00:12:06,671
Like, you have to repeat
what worked or what?
279
00:12:06,678 --> 00:12:08,556
- What are you talking about?
- Stop fucking with me!
280
00:12:08,557 --> 00:12:10,476
We need to come up with a plan
to protect me out there.
281
00:12:10,501 --> 00:12:12,387
You understand?
You guys are far better equipped
282
00:12:12,412 --> 00:12:13,405
to handle this than I am.
283
00:12:13,430 --> 00:12:15,508
- What can I expect?
- How the hell should we know?
284
00:12:15,533 --> 00:12:16,826
It's the first time for us too.
285
00:12:16,827 --> 00:12:18,199
This guy.
286
00:12:18,200 --> 00:12:20,030
No, it isn't!
287
00:12:20,038 --> 00:12:22,225
Who's ready for some...
288
00:12:22,250 --> 00:12:24,671
First blood! First blood!
289
00:12:24,696 --> 00:12:26,254
You guys, this is really mean! Please!
290
00:12:26,258 --> 00:12:28,804
Here they are, ready to die!
291
00:12:39,678 --> 00:12:41,063
Oh, come on!
292
00:12:45,030 --> 00:12:49,888
Survival is equal
parts endurance and adaptation.
293
00:12:49,889 --> 00:12:52,773
- Shut up, shut up, shut up.
- You will not survive this game.
294
00:12:52,774 --> 00:12:54,544
No one does.
295
00:12:54,569 --> 00:12:56,988
Eventually, something sharp
will pierce something
296
00:12:56,989 --> 00:12:59,087
that cannot be healed by tiny robots.
297
00:12:59,112 --> 00:13:00,206
How... how do you know?
298
00:13:00,231 --> 00:13:03,042
I know a great many things, Josh.
299
00:13:03,043 --> 00:13:05,210
How do you... how do you know who I am?
300
00:13:05,211 --> 00:13:08,091
Do you... do you know everyone?
301
00:13:08,092 --> 00:13:09,720
Are you Go...
302
00:13:09,721 --> 00:13:11,801
Oh, no, no, no.
303
00:13:11,808 --> 00:13:13,602
Maybe... maybe you're not.
304
00:13:13,603 --> 00:13:16,023
Maybe... maybe I'm just
finally losing my mind
305
00:13:16,025 --> 00:13:17,957
and I'm having this
conversation with myself
306
00:13:17,982 --> 00:13:19,027
like in "Fight Club."
307
00:13:19,052 --> 00:13:20,405
I don't get that reference.
308
00:13:20,409 --> 00:13:21,915
Okay, you know what? That's it.
309
00:13:21,916 --> 00:13:23,701
I'm ignoring you. You're not real.
310
00:13:23,707 --> 00:13:25,297
Really?
311
00:13:25,298 --> 00:13:27,212
Humming, Josh?
312
00:13:27,213 --> 00:13:29,760
Don't be that way. Listen.
313
00:13:29,761 --> 00:13:32,471
I am here to help you escape
through the elevator,
314
00:13:32,475 --> 00:13:34,895
where there are no cameras.
315
00:13:34,896 --> 00:13:36,696
What, escape? Really, to where?
316
00:13:36,697 --> 00:13:38,522
3491? Some other time?
317
00:13:38,547 --> 00:13:40,823
Anywhere that I can go
I've either already ruined
318
00:13:40,824 --> 00:13:42,708
or I'm gonna be killed
instantly by people
319
00:13:42,733 --> 00:13:44,202
who are better equipped to live than me.
320
00:13:44,227 --> 00:13:46,589
I know a place where you will be safe.
321
00:13:46,590 --> 00:13:49,925
It's a place you once called home.
322
00:13:52,138 --> 00:13:55,561
I trust from your silence
you are intrigued.
323
00:13:55,562 --> 00:13:57,142
Yeah, of course I'm intrigued.
324
00:13:57,148 --> 00:13:58,946
I'm talking to myself
so I'm gonna tell myself
325
00:13:58,947 --> 00:14:00,904
- whatever I want to hear.
- You are a skeptic.
326
00:14:00,906 --> 00:14:02,916
To prove to you that I can help,
327
00:14:02,917 --> 00:14:06,500
I will now perform a small miracle.
Is that okay?
328
00:14:06,501 --> 00:14:08,671
Can I perform a small miracle for you?
329
00:14:08,696 --> 00:14:10,447
Sure, man. I'm not going anywhere.
330
00:14:10,472 --> 00:14:11,718
You are in the goo, no?
331
00:14:11,719 --> 00:14:13,304
Yeah, you know I'm in the goo.
332
00:14:13,305 --> 00:14:15,361
I'm wearing a metal diaper
in a thing of goo.
333
00:14:15,386 --> 00:14:16,738
Okay, listen to me, Josh.
334
00:14:16,763 --> 00:14:19,111
You don't want to be swallowing
any more of this goo.
335
00:14:19,136 --> 00:14:21,563
The nanobots, they react
poorly with your gut flora.
336
00:14:21,588 --> 00:14:22,635
They go to war.
337
00:14:22,660 --> 00:14:24,702
The next thing you know,
you are allergic to chickpeas.
338
00:14:24,704 --> 00:14:26,197
Oh, man. I love chickpeas.
339
00:14:26,222 --> 00:14:28,423
I know, me too. Reach down.
340
00:14:28,424 --> 00:14:30,290
You will find a small rubberized knob
341
00:14:30,298 --> 00:14:31,808
behind your hip just to the left.
342
00:14:31,809 --> 00:14:33,591
- Feel it?
- Yeah.
343
00:14:33,597 --> 00:14:35,307
Press the center of it, hard.
344
00:14:39,904 --> 00:14:41,061
Oh, God!
345
00:14:41,069 --> 00:14:42,576
Oh, that's so much better.
346
00:14:42,577 --> 00:14:44,413
That is my small miracle,
347
00:14:44,414 --> 00:14:46,120
just for you, my friend.
348
00:14:46,121 --> 00:14:49,419
Uh, yeah, if I meet
a rhyming riddle worm,
349
00:14:49,420 --> 00:14:51,040
I'm gonna decapitate it.
350
00:14:51,048 --> 00:14:52,678
But I think that animatronic Clue Worm
351
00:14:52,679 --> 00:14:55,845
- was trying to help us.
- Well, speak in prose, then, buddy.
352
00:14:55,849 --> 00:14:57,906
Let me guess. You guys won.
353
00:14:57,978 --> 00:14:59,781
I don't know what the record
is for fastest victory,
354
00:14:59,806 --> 00:15:02,500
but from the look on that poor
scorekeeper's face,
355
00:15:02,525 --> 00:15:04,532
I'd say we shattered it.
356
00:15:04,533 --> 00:15:06,323
And his face, right?
357
00:15:06,328 --> 00:15:08,247
- How'd you know that?
- Just a guess.
358
00:15:08,248 --> 00:15:09,838
What, do you got a live feed in here?
359
00:15:09,839 --> 00:15:11,494
Are they using any close-ups?
360
00:15:11,564 --> 00:15:13,465
'Cause I feel like they're
shooting everything in a wide,
361
00:15:13,468 --> 00:15:17,307
and, well, the drama's right here.
362
00:15:17,308 --> 00:15:20,648
Guys, this is gonna be
hard to comprehend,
363
00:15:20,649 --> 00:15:24,572
but all of this
already happened yesterday.
364
00:15:24,573 --> 00:15:26,702
All right, th-they must've
wiped your memories
365
00:15:26,703 --> 00:15:28,373
or something so you have no recollection
366
00:15:28,374 --> 00:15:30,291
- of playing the game.
- Bullshit.
367
00:15:30,292 --> 00:15:32,792
I would remember
if they wiped my memory.
368
00:15:32,798 --> 00:15:34,764
- Yeah, me too.
- No, you wouldn't.
369
00:15:34,765 --> 00:15:36,630
That's not how memory wiping works.
370
00:15:36,639 --> 00:15:39,369
You come from a time
where memory wiping's a thing?
371
00:15:39,394 --> 00:15:40,519
'Cause we do.
372
00:15:40,564 --> 00:15:42,734
I'm telling you we are gonna
keep playing this game
373
00:15:42,735 --> 00:15:45,369
again and again with slight
variations until we're dead.
374
00:15:45,394 --> 00:15:47,053
Okay, even if that were true,
which it isn't,
375
00:15:47,078 --> 00:15:48,581
I can think of worse ways to go.
376
00:15:48,582 --> 00:15:50,499
- Y-you have to believe me!
- No, sorry.
377
00:15:50,500 --> 00:15:52,500
My radar is finely tuned to repetition.
378
00:15:52,504 --> 00:15:55,174
Even back at the restaurant
when everyone was clamoring
379
00:15:55,176 --> 00:15:56,595
for Wolfheart staples,
380
00:15:56,596 --> 00:15:59,391
I changed the menu every goddamn day.
381
00:15:59,392 --> 00:16:01,182
Now, that's a terrible business model,
382
00:16:01,188 --> 00:16:04,151
but, well, a true artist
never repeats himself.
383
00:16:04,152 --> 00:16:06,505
What you're describing,
well, that sounds like hell.
384
00:16:06,530 --> 00:16:08,169
Josh, these people are awful.
385
00:16:08,170 --> 00:16:09,660
You don't need them.
386
00:16:09,663 --> 00:16:11,913
I can lead you home. Follow me.
387
00:16:11,918 --> 00:16:13,754
I can't... I can't just
abandon them, okay?
388
00:16:13,755 --> 00:16:15,295
We're gonna go back
to the Victor's Lounge.
389
00:16:15,299 --> 00:16:18,054
Yeah, sorry. Victors only.
390
00:16:18,055 --> 00:16:20,434
Good-bye, Josh.
391
00:16:20,435 --> 00:16:22,895
Guys, come on! Don't just...
392
00:16:22,898 --> 00:16:25,318
See how quickly they leave you behind?
393
00:16:25,319 --> 00:16:27,072
You must do the same.
394
00:16:27,073 --> 00:16:29,323
That... that's just like our...
our dynamic, okay?
395
00:16:29,327 --> 00:16:30,787
It's... it's fun.
396
00:16:30,789 --> 00:16:32,290
If we're gonna do this,
397
00:16:32,291 --> 00:16:33,710
we're gonna do things my way, all right?
398
00:16:33,711 --> 00:16:36,421
Just tell me what I need to know.
399
00:16:41,226 --> 00:16:43,020
Guys, listen.
We have to get out of here,
400
00:16:43,021 --> 00:16:44,558
and the only way is through
this elevator.
401
00:16:44,583 --> 00:16:46,355
Otherwise, we're dead, eventually.
402
00:16:46,380 --> 00:16:48,160
What are you talking about?
What is he talking about?
403
00:16:48,185 --> 00:16:50,033
No idea. Sounds boring.
404
00:16:55,797 --> 00:16:57,757
♪ Y'all ready for this ♪
405
00:16:57,759 --> 00:16:59,557
And this is the only safe place
that we can talk.
406
00:16:59,558 --> 00:17:01,305
Okay, this is, like,
a really old elevator,
407
00:17:01,308 --> 00:17:03,432
and it passes through, like,
a magnetic rock section,
408
00:17:03,457 --> 00:17:05,190
and then the cameras get jammed.
409
00:17:05,191 --> 00:17:07,151
Guys, wait for me!
410
00:17:09,450 --> 00:17:10,720
Baseball?
411
00:17:17,173 --> 00:17:18,423
I just want to sleep!
412
00:17:20,513 --> 00:17:23,309
I am telling you,
you memories have been wiped.
413
00:17:23,310 --> 00:17:24,520
You have to believe me, please!
414
00:17:26,066 --> 00:17:28,445
Please turn it down! No!
415
00:17:28,446 --> 00:17:30,906
♪ Y'all ready for this? ♪
416
00:17:40,300 --> 00:17:41,844
Don't you guys think it's
a little weird that I know
417
00:17:41,847 --> 00:17:43,397
everything you're about to say?
418
00:17:43,398 --> 00:17:45,812
No? No reaction? Okay.
419
00:17:50,740 --> 00:17:52,280
I'm telling you guys,
420
00:17:52,285 --> 00:17:53,625
this is the only way
we're going to escape.
421
00:17:53,626 --> 00:17:55,241
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
422
00:17:55,249 --> 00:17:57,129
You're pitching an escape
and you don't mention
423
00:17:57,130 --> 00:17:59,217
the word "escape" until 30 seconds in?
424
00:17:59,218 --> 00:18:01,345
You gotta work on your elevator pitch.
425
00:18:22,303 --> 00:18:25,141
There you are, my hapless wonder.
426
00:18:25,142 --> 00:18:27,932
Look at them. They love-slash-pity you.
427
00:18:27,939 --> 00:18:30,041
Erase my memory. I'm begging you.
428
00:18:30,066 --> 00:18:31,482
No way! You kidding?
429
00:18:31,489 --> 00:18:33,709
People wait their whole
careers for a run like this.
430
00:18:33,710 --> 00:18:36,661
You remembering
while Tiger and Wolf don't?
431
00:18:36,666 --> 00:18:37,836
That's the special sauce,
432
00:18:37,837 --> 00:18:39,374
and you don't want me
433
00:18:39,379 --> 00:18:41,008
to serve my signature meal
434
00:18:41,009 --> 00:18:42,846
without my special sauce, do you?
435
00:18:42,847 --> 00:18:45,514
I don't care about your special sauce.
436
00:18:45,517 --> 00:18:47,462
Well, it's more delicious
with the special sauce.
437
00:18:47,487 --> 00:18:48,647
I just want to die!
438
00:18:48,648 --> 00:18:50,358
This is, like, the fifth time
439
00:18:50,359 --> 00:18:52,893
I've had to train myself to walk again!
440
00:18:52,918 --> 00:18:54,869
47 times you failed
to get off that elevator.
441
00:18:54,870 --> 00:18:56,538
Do you know how hard that is?
442
00:18:56,539 --> 00:18:58,917
- I am trying.
- I know!
443
00:18:58,918 --> 00:19:00,466
That's what makes it so funny.
444
00:19:00,467 --> 00:19:02,673
It's crazy. You're really trying.
445
00:19:02,676 --> 00:19:04,971
And Tiger and Wolf, the savagery.
446
00:19:04,972 --> 00:19:06,736
They really are from the worst timeline.
447
00:19:06,761 --> 00:19:08,152
If they keep this up,
448
00:19:08,186 --> 00:19:09,581
we're gonna have to release
the killing machine,
449
00:19:09,606 --> 00:19:10,910
and we've never had to do that.
450
00:19:10,935 --> 00:19:12,577
Tiger and Wolf are my heroes.
451
00:19:12,578 --> 00:19:15,321
You, my bumbling comic relief.
452
00:19:15,325 --> 00:19:16,785
I'm back on top.
453
00:19:16,787 --> 00:19:18,321
If I keep this up,
454
00:19:18,346 --> 00:19:20,376
the network is gonna let me own my wife
455
00:19:20,401 --> 00:19:22,380
and daughter outright, free and clear.
456
00:19:22,381 --> 00:19:24,397
- Maintenance included, Josh.
- Congratulations.
457
00:19:24,422 --> 00:19:26,514
Yeah. I'd say.
458
00:19:27,798 --> 00:19:29,981
Are you ready to do this another way?
459
00:19:29,982 --> 00:19:31,270
My way?
460
00:19:31,274 --> 00:19:33,152
No. No, no, no.
461
00:19:33,153 --> 00:19:35,377
Didn't you hear him?
I'm not an action hero.
462
00:19:35,402 --> 00:19:36,464
I'm the comic relief.
463
00:19:36,489 --> 00:19:38,627
I can't do any of this
without Tiger and without Wolf.
464
00:19:38,652 --> 00:19:40,759
You've allowed yourself to believe
465
00:19:40,784 --> 00:19:42,466
you're a worthless piece of shit.
466
00:19:42,467 --> 00:19:45,384
The world thinks you're
a worthless piece of shit.
467
00:19:45,385 --> 00:19:47,361
That is your greatest advantage.
468
00:19:47,386 --> 00:19:49,338
That's my advantage?
Well, you know what?
469
00:19:49,363 --> 00:19:50,806
It really doesn't feel like one.
470
00:19:50,831 --> 00:19:52,308
- Can I please have another?
- No!
471
00:19:52,333 --> 00:19:55,904
Let them dismiss you,
mock you, upstage you,
472
00:19:55,907 --> 00:19:57,867
and underneath their very noses,
473
00:19:57,869 --> 00:20:00,331
we will accomplish the impossible
474
00:20:00,332 --> 00:20:02,419
and get you home.
475
00:20:16,072 --> 00:20:19,072
- You thinking Pelican's Folly?
- Nah, too risky.
476
00:20:19,078 --> 00:20:20,763
Those bionic pumas would sniff it out
477
00:20:20,787 --> 00:20:22,402
before we could get
enough rocks in our mouth.
478
00:20:22,427 --> 00:20:23,646
Hyena's Whisper?
479
00:20:23,671 --> 00:20:25,593
Appreciate the pitch. Terrible idea.
480
00:20:25,618 --> 00:20:27,085
Hmm, yeah. I don't know
what I was thinking.
481
00:20:27,110 --> 00:20:28,802
I'll just leave
the strategizing to you two.
482
00:20:28,806 --> 00:20:31,519
It's cool. Stay in your lane.
483
00:20:31,520 --> 00:20:33,795
Hey, you know, uh, I was
reading in the green room.
484
00:20:33,820 --> 00:20:36,153
Apparently, there's all sorts
of mythological,
485
00:20:36,154 --> 00:20:38,284
genetically-modified creatures
inside the Death Arena.
486
00:20:38,285 --> 00:20:41,163
I bet you could not get
a mermaid's gallbladder.
487
00:20:41,164 --> 00:20:42,489
Mermaid's gallbladder?
488
00:20:42,514 --> 00:20:44,965
A stupid trophy
only an idiot would want.
489
00:20:44,966 --> 00:20:47,673
All right, I just know they're
a really prized possession
490
00:20:47,677 --> 00:20:49,378
and extremely difficult to cut out.
491
00:20:49,403 --> 00:20:50,415
It's fine, it's fine.
492
00:20:50,440 --> 00:20:52,356
I mean, I'm sure,
you know, you probably...
493
00:20:52,357 --> 00:20:53,772
probably couldn't do it anyways.
494
00:20:55,359 --> 00:20:58,949
Turns out mermaid bile's acidic.
That and their tears.
495
00:20:58,950 --> 00:21:00,820
You know they weep when you kill 'em?
496
00:21:00,828 --> 00:21:03,625
Oh, pathetic creatures, really.
497
00:21:03,626 --> 00:21:06,440
Yes, Josh.
Now they're playing your game.
498
00:21:06,465 --> 00:21:09,425
Yep, I said it. Arachno-bot web spindle.
499
00:21:09,429 --> 00:21:11,605
See how they do your bidding?
500
00:21:11,606 --> 00:21:13,770
No way you get a stegosaurus femur.
501
00:21:13,771 --> 00:21:15,941
Guess who just went extinct again?
502
00:21:15,980 --> 00:21:17,942
You have the tools.
503
00:21:17,946 --> 00:21:21,243
Now I will teach you how to wield them.
504
00:21:26,714 --> 00:21:28,044
As you were, everyone.
505
00:21:28,049 --> 00:21:29,849
You all know Stanley and Randall.
506
00:21:29,850 --> 00:21:32,599
I actually recently leveled up Stanley
507
00:21:32,600 --> 00:21:35,229
with the musical prodigy expansion pack.
508
00:21:35,230 --> 00:21:37,520
Give them a taste, Stan.
509
00:21:58,401 --> 00:22:01,071
Magnifico, amore.
510
00:22:01,074 --> 00:22:02,784
All right, big show tonight, everyone.
511
00:22:02,786 --> 00:22:04,875
They're even beaming us
to the off-world colonies,
512
00:22:04,876 --> 00:22:07,623
and those pasty crater monkeys
never watch this show.
513
00:22:09,633 --> 00:22:12,930
You are the most successful human man
514
00:22:12,931 --> 00:22:15,469
my programming can process.
515
00:22:17,147 --> 00:22:19,610
- You're damn right I am.
- Yes.
516
00:22:24,036 --> 00:22:25,626
Okay, this might get a little old.
517
00:22:28,420 --> 00:22:30,170
It's now or never, Josh.
518
00:22:37,354 --> 00:22:39,650
What the fuck are you doing?
519
00:22:39,651 --> 00:22:42,020
Escaping. Yeah, that's right.
520
00:22:42,045 --> 00:22:43,676
You guys think that this is day one,
521
00:22:43,701 --> 00:22:45,704
but it's actually day 60.
522
00:22:45,705 --> 00:22:48,253
You won't listen to me
because you're both dicks.
523
00:22:48,254 --> 00:22:49,770
There's no winning with you two,
524
00:22:49,795 --> 00:22:51,309
and there's no winning in this game.
525
00:22:51,334 --> 00:22:52,835
Well said, Josh, but go faster.
526
00:22:52,860 --> 00:22:54,134
Every second counts.
527
00:22:54,138 --> 00:22:56,438
Don't forget the clove hitch
for the safety.
528
00:22:57,687 --> 00:23:00,311
Okay, there's a 640-foot drop,
529
00:23:00,336 --> 00:23:02,238
and only 620 feet of Arachno-silk.
530
00:23:02,239 --> 00:23:03,823
If you guys want to escape,
531
00:23:03,824 --> 00:23:05,534
you have to swing over
and climb onto a ledge
532
00:23:05,536 --> 00:23:06,706
and go the rest of the way down.
533
00:23:08,124 --> 00:23:09,919
Wall pegs are to the left.
534
00:23:15,431 --> 00:23:17,431
When did you get kind of hot?
535
00:23:17,435 --> 00:23:19,943
I don't understand how
he figured this out in one day.
536
00:23:19,944 --> 00:23:20,980
Fuck you guys!
537
00:23:23,489 --> 00:23:25,459
Who's ready for some...
538
00:23:26,578 --> 00:23:28,706
I find this very annoying.
539
00:23:28,707 --> 00:23:30,084
Tough call.
540
00:23:30,085 --> 00:23:32,085
First blood! First blood!
541
00:23:32,089 --> 00:23:37,014
And here they are, ready to die!
542
00:23:53,145 --> 00:23:58,145
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com