Previously on "Future Man"...
Down on the ground.
Your little time-traveling caper, repeating the same
11 seconds over and over and over again?
It ripped a hole in the space-time continuum.
- What the...? - And the punishment
for time crimes is death.
- You are our savior. - No!
And because of that, I will help you escape.
If they cancel the show, the network
- will take me and Stanley away. - That's not gonna happen.
Tiger and Wolf, if they keep this up,
we're gonna have to release the killing machine,
and we've never had to do that.
- The fuck are you doing? - Escaping.
Well, can you believe this shit?
There's no sign of them in the Bone Desert.
Go check Hair and Makeup. Go!
Another escape on your watch, Saint Jackalope?
Haven't changed at all
since the Academy of Television and Justice.
All sizzle, no steak.
Get bent, Mathers. You're not needed here.
I got this under control.
Network Security Affairs feels differently.
And as long as I'm wearing the tuft,
you will address me by my rank.
Marshal Mathers. When did you get promoted?
Oh, what?
You didn't think someone like me could rise to such heights?
Someone like you? We've been through this.
I have no problem with those who came out of a...
uh...
- Say it. - I'd rather not.
Vagina.
Ugh, it sounds so much worse when you say it.
You know, people who gestate in a hyper-sac
and come out as fully-formed adults...
You mean the norm, the societal norm? Yes, go on?
Have looked down on me my whole life, but guess what?
I'm the first natural-born to make Marshall,
and I'm not stopping there.
Entertainment should not be a co-equal branch
of the government, and when I'm in control,
I'm gonna do things the way the network
did them in the '50s.
The 3150s were a pretty backwards time.
Simpler time when the justice system
wasn't supported by ads and babies slid out of...
human vaginas.
I just checked Hair and Makeup.
They're dead. Everyone.
Hair, makeup, I mean all of them, dead.
Have a sidebar next time.
Right, you have this under control.
I do have all this... look, they're my contestants.
This is my show and as long as they are loose on my set,
I'm gonna be the one to bring them in.
So... relax.
What do you want?
Come on!
When are we?
Also... where are we?
France?
What? Don't look at me.
This thing's neural interface sends indecipherable code
directly to my mind's eye, and I'm pretty sure I just
pressed a button with what... my mind's thumb?
So that thing moves us across time and space?
Hmm... that's a new and fresh concept.
I like it.
These three aren't contestants anymore.
They're fugitives. My fugitives.
Listen up!
These three have been on the run for 12 minutes.
They have stolen a time-travel device,
which means they can be anytime, anywhere.
Let's set up a 240-million year radius, B. C. to A. D.
What I want out of each and every one of you
is a hard target search of every timeline,
state line, breadline,
chorus line, drum line.
We're looking for historical anomalies,
changes in the record.
I want you cross-referencing ancient texts,
scrolls, artifacts, cave drawings,
telegrams, holograms, sonograms,
hit records, world records, dental records.
Gonna turn up somewhere,
and somewhere is exactly where we're gonna be.
Your fugitives names are...
Joshua Sasha Futturman,
Tiger,
and Wolf.
The clock is ticking.
Let's go get 'em.
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com
We need to figure out where and when we are.
I don't suppose that either of you guys speak any French?
- Un petit peu. - Great.
Yeah, I used to train with van Damme back in the '90s.
Let's just say I put the "VD" in JCVD.
Are you saying that you gave
Jean-Claude van Damme a venereal disease?
That's exactly what I'm saying.
- Oh. - And I picked up
a little French along the way.
Mostly when he was yelling at me
- for giving him... le clap. - Great.
I'm gonna wrestle up some grub.
Okay. Well, I am going to go secure the perimeter.
I mean, look at what these monsters are capable of.
I mean, clearly they are proud of it
'cause that rack of ribs is everywhere, oy.
Are you there, God? It's me, Josh.
Uh, okay... um...
I've... I've never really been a religious person.
Most people think I'm Jewish because of my last name
and, well, I'm not really good at any sports.
But I...
wanted to say thank you for getting us here.
God...
Please don't call me that.
What... what should I call you, then?
How about... friend?
Friend. "Oh, friend."
Yeah, I like that. That's nice.
Okay, uh, friend, I, um...
I guess the big question is...
what's... what's next for me?
I'm really glad you asked that, Josh.
You must come to me.
In... Israel?
No, never!
You must get the time travel machine from Tiger.
I will give you the coordinates to find me.
And then you'll get me home?
Yes, Josh. I will get you home.
Oh, that sounds so good.
Okay, um...
I mean the hard part's gonna be getting the TTD from Tiger.
She's very protective over her gadgets
and she won't just hand it over.
You just escaped The DieCathlon.
You can do this.
You believe in me, but I believe in you.
You are special. Very, very special.
And you are strong.
He's weak.
I want more eyes on the Futturman house.
He's gonna make a play for home.
Give me constant surveillance around known associates.
Jim Cameron, Corey Hart, Estelle Kronish,
OJ Simpson, Blaze Blazington,
everyone in the Brat-Pack, especially the Estevezes.
Mmm.
Sandwiches in the Middle Ages were delicious.
Mm-hmm.
Don't give the Frenchies too much credit.
They had some help.
I got a ping on Timeline X1G7.
Someone just invented sliced bread
700 years too early.
How do they even find us?
No idea!
Oh, shit!
They tranqued my sando.
No, no, no. Wolf, stop, stop!
We are leaving. Tiger, come on.
Just jump!
That was a close one.
We lost a good sandwich back there.
Okay, where the hell are we?
I have no idea.
Oh... narrowed it down to Asia.
Show me the visual.
That's them.
When are you?
You twisted time rogues.
Stop it. Stop it!
Just... just let it go.
No can do.
This man insulted me.
All he did was say that your tea was over steeped.
A little over steeped.
Honor might mean jack shit to this bozo,
but it sure means a hell of lot to me.
Five minutes at 173!
No, no!
Wolf-Hart just decapitated
Shoji the Honorable, wiping out an entire line
of noble warriors.
No more Shoji the Great, Shoji the Charitable,
Shoji the Just, Shoji the Neighborly,
Shoji the Good Listener.
What is that awful sound?
Pretty sure that's the sound of a whole city crying.
And that's a ceremonial war horn.
Ooh, they're pissed about something.
Something? You think maybe the guy Wolf
just decapitated was important?
Who cares? Use the time machine, already.
Okay.
We've lost them.
Daddy is gonna fix this.
He's going to find those escapees,
he's gonna bring them back on the show,
ratings... they're gonna be higher than ever.
And then Daddy's gonna get that bonus
he's been telling you about,
a bonus that will let me
turn our family into a forever unit.
I love you so much, Stanley.
I love you, too, honey.
More than you know.
Honey, no, not now.
Honey, no.
Honey, no... oh, honey...
I'm gonna assume that's a network-issued cube
you're tonguing down.
This cube happens to be my wife, and we are proud
to be celebrating the 35th month of our lease.
Of course you have a Robo-Family.
You prefer the cool, mechanical grip
of a plezh-tube, don't you?
What I do with my wife's plezh-tubes...
three... are my business.
Until I repossess your family and return them
to the network as a result of your gross negligence.
Aww...
- Isn't that adorable? - Yes.
You turned up the attachment settings.
Maybe I'll take your daughter.
My robo-Dobermans need a new play thing.
Don't listen to her.
I won't let her robo-Dobos anywhere near you.
Pagliacci.
All right, you're the history expert.
- Where are we? - Thinking Kansas.
Could be modern-day Kansas or, like...
"Wizard of Oz" times Kansas.
Either way, we are definitely somewhere in middle America.
Kansas... huh.
Well, wasn't going for that at all.
- Yeah. - Okay, Josh.
Make your move.
Hey, Tiger.
Uh, since I am the history expert,
maybe I could take the TTD
- for a little spin? - Right.
We've been in three time periods
and you still haven't learned to tie a belt,
so I'm gonna hang on to our lifeline.
Oof, she mocks you so openly.
- Yeah, I know. - First things first.
I'm gonna pickle me the fuck out of some beets.
- Okay. - Okay, that is like,
maybe the tenth thing that we should be doing right now.
Yeah? Name nine things before pickling beets.
Okay, uh, well, we need clothing,
we need shelter, we need...
Keep going. Seven more.
We need clothing and shelter.
Boom... hay house, clothes string.
No, no, this isn't happening.
Fuck this shit. Futturman, give me those.
I wear the pants.
Oh, shit.
I think we landed during the Civil War.
Well, luckily for us, Kansas is pretty far away
from... the Northern front?
I can de-arm this woman.
You mean, disarm? Like, take her weapon away?
Yeah, I will take her gun
when I take her arm off at the shoulder.
We're not in The DieCathlon anymore, okay?
Just... just take it easy and watch and learn.
Hello.
Hi, hi... we, uh... we need food
and, uh, and shelter.
Uh, we can do hard work.
Uh... harvest?
Um... home improvement.
And odds and ends.
Odds and ends? Fuck that.
What are we offering here?
I think that means, "yes."
Sure, man, I'm not going anywhere...
Come on, I know you had help.
You are far too stupid to have figured this out on your own.
Give me something... anything.
Oh, man. I love chickpeas.
Oh.
How did he...
chickpeas.
That is so much better.
I need transcripts of every conversation
Futturman had with himself.
Then I need you to wipe the server, then I need you
to wipe your memory of this conversation.
And you should do it in that order
or you will be very confused.
Yes, sir, Mr. Saint Jackalope.
Oh, hay... okay, cool. Arigato.
No. You said this was Kansas in the Civil War.
Or Russia during World War I.
I got the war part right.
Ah, shit.
How are you already asleep?
We grew up hard, Josh.
I've slept on stone, steel.
I've slept on fire.
This is nothing.
Just prickly sticks
jabbing me everywhere!
Mmm, mm.
Who's got something?
I've got something, but I don't think it can be them.
Two timelines just momentarily merged.
Right here, a pterodactyl barrel-rolled
into Susan B. Anthony at the Chicago World's Fair in 1893.
How could my fugitives do that?
They didn't.
I think we're looking at Temporal Decay.
It's like a black hole but for time.
And it's getting bigger.
Eventually it will suck every timeline into it.
This is it, the Big Suck. All the evidence is there.
Time overlapping, future and past existing simultaneously,
spacetime collapsing in on itself...
Unless my three rode in on that pterodactyl,
I don't care.
Tiger, what is that technique?
You can't just yank it out of the ground.
You use your trowel, okay?
Four quick scoops, loosen the soil,
then you just let the beet come to you.
Ow! Gah.
Doesn't count, okay? You stole it from my basket.
I am not... I am not a farmer, okay?
I'm not meant to work the land.
I'm a fighter, and I need some goddamn action.
Plus, to top it all off, I've been shitting blood.
It's probably just the beets.
I wish it were blood.
Look, I don't get what you're complaining about.
We are doing honest work for honest wages.
Boo!
Excuse me, all right?
For the first time in, like, ever,
we're not being chased by anybody and we're safe.
And I'm good at something.
That's what sucks about this place.
It's so boring, even you're good at it.
Hey, tell me...
just... just tell me again about The DieCathlon.
- Oh, God. Do I have to? - Uh-huh.
You were dominant. Powerful.
I was the best, right? I had trophies.
Yes, Tiger. New trophies every day.
- Mostly horns and teeth. - Mmm...
On Day 27 you did befriend a Hobgoblin named Gerty.
Gerty, eh? I like that.
Then you, uh, stabbed her in the throat once you realized
she was just after your magical juniper berries.
Sounds like I was happy.
Yeah... yeah, I mean, you did smile a lot.
Not sure it was the healthiest form of happiness...
Truth is, no feeling can compare to the pure joy
that you experience when you pull out a Hall of Famer
like this one. Look at this guy!
- Oh, man. - Okay, we're done.
Come on.
You're not the only one who's got a trophy, Tiger!
I'm with her, Josh.
You've got to keep your eyes on the prize.
Remember, that prize is home.
Yeah, I know, but getting the TTD from her
is, like, impossible and this is really easy.
If you cannot take it,
you'll have to convince her to leave this time
and bring you to me.
You're right...
I don't know, I just didn't expect this horrible place
to contain such unexpected beauty.
This is unbearable.
I know. Thousands of people dying.
World War I was the worst.
No, that part's white noise.
I'm talking about this hay.
Soldiers are getting slaughtered in trenches
and you're complaining about hay?
Trenches, huh? Mm.
Sewers with a view. God, I love me a trench.
Josh, an opening!
Convince her to leave this foul time.
Oh, no.
No, you don't. Not this kind of trench.
I mean, to be honest, we should be
as far away from here right now as possible.
I'm talking about killing fields, just...
just festering with disease and rot.
And if you weren't mowed down by machine gunfire,
then the poison gas would just fill your lungs
and kill you from the inside out.
- Your face would just melt off. - Then what happened?
Uh... tanks and horses
sharing the same battlefields.
Heavy machinery being pulled by horses...
and then there were, like, men screaming and...
and horses whinnying.
Really leaning into the "horse" of it all, here.
Well, full disclosure, I'm kind of basing most of this
on the movie War Horse.
My mom took me to see it, and I did not enjoy it.
So how did this war end?
Horribly. Everyone died.
I mean, they had to make up new rules of combat
to make sure it never happened again.
Sounds like the war to end all wars.
Look, judging by the sound of that artillery,
it's getting closer day by day.
We need to get that TTD and get the...
Ah, I can't take this anymore.
- Give me your shirt. - What, no?
It's the only thing between me and the weevils!
Ah...
Not here.
Let's say we take that big comfy bed for a spin.
Oh, my sweet Dasha.
What have they done to you?
Let them watch.
Yeah...
I didn't understand a word of that, but...
you want me to eat that ass again?
Da.
♪ This is the muffle song ♪
♪ Let's all sing the muffle song ♪
♪ This is the muffle song ♪ Tiger, come on.
We gotta do it together or it doesn't work.
All right, good times. I'll see you tonight.
It's Wolf-Hart. He set her humanity aflame.
Let's move.
This is no longer a capture mission.
It's a kill mission.
Bring me the killing machine.
In Ancient Sparta, there is the legend of the 300.
We synthesized time-jacked DNA
from 299 of these elite warriors.
One of them, the hunchback, he was kind of creepy
and couldn't fight, we didn't bother with,
but the others,
we suited with our most advanced human exo-armor
to create the ultimate warrior.
When all human options have failed,
we bring in the killing machine.
I wanna fight in your war to end all wars.
I just woke up with a note pinned to my shirt
saying I'm supposed to give you this data cube.
Now, the note's written in my handwriting
and I don't remember writing any of it, so I...
Shut up! Go away.
Wipe this from your memory, too.
Okay...
You did have help...
from exactly whom I thought.
Good news.
We can sleep in the house now,
and, uh, here's your shirt back.
Why is it wet?
Oh, that's mostly Dasha.
Where's Tiger?
I have no idea.
Maybe she's taking a walk or something.
Wait... someone's here.
There's the third one.
I count at least three.
We need to blow this beet stand.
Okay, I've got the TTD.
I bet I can figure out how to get us out of here.
- Right? - Yes, yes.
At long last, my friend.
You asking or telling? It doesn't matter.
It's killing time.
Okay, uh, how do I work this thing?
With your mind.
Picture a square in eight dimensions.
That's step one.
Axe!
Body spray.
"His curious tongue gently circled, daring, teasing,
"both rhythmic and arrhythmic at the same time,
like American Jazz."
God, I missed this shit.
- Thanks. - Yeah.
Oh, it's gonna be hard to miss this guy.
Oh.
Guess I shouldn't have wasted the ammo on the old man
and the boy, but they laughed at me, Wolf.
They laughed.
Run!
Rotate the tesseract,
but only three quarters.
Now, flatten it.
- Hey. Give me that. - No.
I got it, I'm taking us somewhere safe.
Where are we?
Exactly where we're meant to be.
Don't worry, guys, okay?
We're gonna be very, very safe here.
Uh... maybe safer over here.
Hachi...
If you say, "machi," I'll kill you myself.
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com