1 00:00:04,760 --> 00:00:06,960 MAC: Come on. One more race. DENNIS: When we race, you lose. 2 00:00:07,120 --> 00:00:08,120 CHARLIE: You always lose. 3 00:00:08,280 --> 00:00:09,880 MAC: One more and we'll go to the strip club. 4 00:00:10,040 --> 00:00:11,240 DENNIS: Three, two, one. 5 00:00:17,520 --> 00:00:19,160 - Goddamn it! - What is wrong with you? 6 00:00:19,320 --> 00:00:21,320 - Super slow drinker here. - Do you have a little throat? 7 00:00:21,480 --> 00:00:23,200 - Dennis, we gotta get out of here. - Why? 8 00:00:23,360 --> 00:00:25,760 I got off the phone with Dad. He wants to stop by and talk to us. 9 00:00:25,920 --> 00:00:27,120 - What does he want? - I don't know! 10 00:00:27,280 --> 00:00:28,760 Let's go before we have to deal with this! 11 00:00:28,920 --> 00:00:30,920 Let's get out of here before you guys get around your father. 12 00:00:31,080 --> 00:00:33,800 Let's just take care of one more... Don't... Don't be grabby. 13 00:00:33,960 --> 00:00:37,280 - Dennis, I need to borrow $20. - What, dude? 14 00:00:37,440 --> 00:00:39,760 - Just give me some money, man. - How come you never have money? 15 00:00:39,920 --> 00:00:41,400 - Dee? Moneys? - No way. 16 00:00:41,560 --> 00:00:43,360 What are you gonna do at the strip club with... 17 00:00:43,520 --> 00:00:45,000 - Will you just get in the car! - No! 18 00:00:45,160 --> 00:00:48,040 It sucks for me 'cause you guys get all the girls and the attention! 19 00:00:48,200 --> 00:00:50,200 My dad's gonna be here in a second! Will you get in the car! 20 00:00:50,360 --> 00:00:52,240 No! I'm going home! I'm going home. 21 00:00:52,520 --> 00:00:54,600 - Can we go? Please! - Yeah, we can go. We can go. 22 00:00:57,680 --> 00:00:59,480 - Dennis! - Oh, Jesus! 23 00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:01,800 CHARLIE: Dennis, no! (loud thud) 24 00:01:03,600 --> 00:01:05,480 CHARLIE: Dennis, you son of a bitch! 25 00:01:35,120 --> 00:01:37,120 DENNIS: What the hell is wrong with you, Dad? 26 00:01:37,280 --> 00:01:39,160 Why would you sneak around the bar at night? 27 00:01:39,320 --> 00:01:41,720 You don't snoop, sneak, appear in front of cars and yell names! 28 00:01:41,880 --> 00:01:43,680 - No! - I had something important to tell. 29 00:01:43,840 --> 00:01:45,840 Really? What's so important it can't wait till morning? 30 00:01:46,000 --> 00:01:48,520 Nothing's more important than we hitting our friend with a car. 31 00:01:48,680 --> 00:01:52,480 Oh, yeah? Try this on for size. Your mother's dead. 32 00:01:53,440 --> 00:01:54,640 - No. - What? 33 00:01:55,120 --> 00:01:57,520 Oh, my God! (sighs) 34 00:01:58,080 --> 00:02:01,360 No, she's not dead. We're gettin' divorced though. 35 00:02:03,760 --> 00:02:04,760 - Why... - Why... 36 00:02:04,920 --> 00:02:05,920 - What... - What... 37 00:02:06,080 --> 00:02:08,360 - Why would you say she's dead? - It's a business tactic. 38 00:02:08,520 --> 00:02:11,600 You drop the bomb, then you soften the blow. You never tried this? 39 00:02:12,880 --> 00:02:16,320 - That's a terrible business tactic! - You are a horrible father. 40 00:02:16,480 --> 00:02:18,280 That's what I came to talk to you about. 41 00:02:18,520 --> 00:02:22,000 I hate the kind of person that your whore mother turned me into. 42 00:02:22,160 --> 00:02:24,840 The big house, the big car... I'm giving it all away. 43 00:02:25,000 --> 00:02:26,720 - Hmm? - Giving it away how? 44 00:02:26,880 --> 00:02:29,160 For starters, I'm giving all my money to charity. 45 00:02:29,600 --> 00:02:31,400 Then I'm gonna hang out with you two. 46 00:02:31,560 --> 00:02:33,960 That's what this is all about, spending time with my kids. 47 00:02:34,120 --> 00:02:36,320 - Hold on a second. - I wanna be the father I never was. 48 00:02:36,480 --> 00:02:38,280 - Shh, shh, shh. - Getting to know them. 49 00:02:38,440 --> 00:02:39,920 What did you say about the money? 50 00:02:40,080 --> 00:02:43,080 - I'm giving it all away. - That is a very stupid thing to do. 51 00:02:43,240 --> 00:02:45,960 You're a very stupid, stupid man. Who are you gonna give it to? 52 00:02:46,920 --> 00:02:48,400 I don't know. Poor people. 53 00:02:48,720 --> 00:02:50,320 - Poor people? - Poor people? 54 00:02:50,560 --> 00:02:52,560 What... What is your... Okay, where's Mom? 55 00:02:52,720 --> 00:02:56,400 Mom? She's on vacation banging one of the boys she hangs out with. 56 00:02:56,640 --> 00:02:59,240 Dennis, your mother is a dirty, dirty whore. 57 00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:02,600 Goddamn it, Dad! First you force me to run over my friend Charlie 58 00:03:02,760 --> 00:03:04,760 and then you start talking about Mom like she's dead. 59 00:03:04,920 --> 00:03:06,520 - Now she's a dirty whore? - And the money. 60 00:03:06,680 --> 00:03:08,680 You can't waltz back into our lives and be our dad again! 61 00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:10,320 - And the money. - It doesn't work that way. 62 00:03:10,480 --> 00:03:11,960 - You can't just barge in! - And the money! 63 00:03:12,120 --> 00:03:14,120 And the money! My God, Dad! 64 00:03:14,560 --> 00:03:16,280 All of our money? (gasps) 65 00:03:24,360 --> 00:03:27,960 - Well, that was awkward. - Yes, it was. 66 00:03:28,360 --> 00:03:31,360 - Sort of a private conversation. - Very much a family-type moment. 67 00:03:31,520 --> 00:03:34,520 - We didn't need to hear that. CHARLIE: Not for our ears. 68 00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:38,200 Wanna go to the strip club? 69 00:03:38,360 --> 00:03:39,960 (rock music playing) I don't know. 70 00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:43,920 I've been manically depressed for the past couple of years. 71 00:03:44,080 --> 00:03:47,680 I just feel like I need a serious change or I'm gonna kill myself. 72 00:03:47,840 --> 00:03:50,840 Right, so when you say you're giving your money away to poor people, 73 00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:53,880 do you mean "Mexico" poor or can it be "Me and Charlie" poor? 74 00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:57,360 I haven't given that much thought. 75 00:03:57,520 --> 00:03:59,120 Put some thought into that one. Consider that. 76 00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:00,680 Yeah, man. Give that some thought. 77 00:04:00,840 --> 00:04:03,520 In the meantime, you wanna get shit-faced, bro. So I tell you what. 78 00:04:03,680 --> 00:04:05,760 Before we get crazy giving away our money here, 79 00:04:05,920 --> 00:04:07,760 what do you say we buy a couple of pitchers, 80 00:04:07,920 --> 00:04:11,120 maybe a few tequila shots, a few rounds of kamikazes. 81 00:04:11,280 --> 00:04:14,000 After that, we'll hit the town, tie on a serious buzz. Alright, bud? 82 00:04:14,160 --> 00:04:17,360 Oh, my God! You poor baby. What happened? 83 00:04:17,520 --> 00:04:21,120 My best friend ran me over with his car. 84 00:04:21,280 --> 00:04:22,560 (gasps) Yeah. 85 00:04:22,720 --> 00:04:25,800 - Oh, my God! That's terrible! - Yeah, yeah. 86 00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:28,640 - Do you want a lap dance? - Oh... 87 00:04:28,800 --> 00:04:31,000 - I don't have any money. - Oh! 88 00:04:32,160 --> 00:04:34,640 - I could give you one for free. - Really? 89 00:04:35,200 --> 00:04:36,600 Okay. Okay. 90 00:04:36,760 --> 00:04:39,280 Oh, my God! You poor baby. What happened to you? 91 00:04:39,440 --> 00:04:41,440 His friend ran him over with a car. 92 00:04:41,600 --> 00:04:43,600 - That is so sad. - I know. 93 00:04:43,760 --> 00:04:45,440 I was gonna give him a free lap dance. 94 00:04:45,600 --> 00:04:47,000 - She totally was. - I'll join you! 95 00:04:47,160 --> 00:04:50,040 That's great! Do one of you girls wanna hook my boy up over here? 96 00:04:50,200 --> 00:04:52,480 - He's really down in the dumps. - Okay! 97 00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:55,240 - No, no, no. I don't... I don't... - Oh, come on, buddy! 98 00:04:55,400 --> 00:04:57,480 - You gotta do this! - Embrace it. Get in the spirit. 99 00:04:57,640 --> 00:04:59,040 This is gonna cheer you up. 100 00:05:03,760 --> 00:05:07,040 Well, maybe just one. (all cheering) 101 00:05:07,200 --> 00:05:10,800 All right, Frank! See? That's the spirit that beat the Japanese! 102 00:05:11,560 --> 00:05:14,160 God. Stupid Dad! Never gave me a goddamn thing. 103 00:05:14,320 --> 00:05:16,960 Give his shit to poor people. Poor people? (glass breaking) 104 00:05:25,240 --> 00:05:26,360 (yells) Ooh! Ooh! 105 00:05:26,520 --> 00:05:28,720 Oh! Oh. 106 00:05:29,160 --> 00:05:31,560 Dee, you scared the shit out of me. What are you doing? 107 00:05:31,720 --> 00:05:32,920 Same thing you're doing, Dennis. 108 00:05:33,080 --> 00:05:35,160 I'm not letting Dad give all this shit to poor people. 109 00:05:35,320 --> 00:05:37,720 I got here first. I'm taking the plasma TV and the fish tank. 110 00:05:37,880 --> 00:05:39,960 - How come you get to pick? - It's not that I get to pick. 111 00:05:40,120 --> 00:05:42,120 I'm a man and I'm strong. I can carry heavy things. 112 00:05:42,280 --> 00:05:44,600 You're a woman. You're weak and you can't. 113 00:05:45,080 --> 00:05:47,880 - You're a woman and you're weak. - That doesn't make any sense. 114 00:05:48,040 --> 00:05:50,440 - You don't make any sense. - Great. I'll tell you what. 115 00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:53,480 I'm gonna take all the stuff I want and load it into my enormous SUV, 116 00:05:53,640 --> 00:05:56,520 and you can grab some trinkets and throw it in your tiny little car. 117 00:05:56,680 --> 00:05:59,680 I don't... All right, look. We don't need to be doing this, okay? 118 00:05:59,840 --> 00:06:02,560 You're my brother. We're... We're in this thing together. 119 00:06:02,720 --> 00:06:04,520 We don't need to make this a competition. 120 00:06:05,080 --> 00:06:07,080 Yeah. You're right. 121 00:06:07,880 --> 00:06:10,680 A competition. That's a good idea. I'll make you a deal. 122 00:06:10,840 --> 00:06:13,440 Whatever your feeble little arms can carry out of here, you can keep. 123 00:06:13,600 --> 00:06:14,600 And the rest is mine. 124 00:06:16,880 --> 00:06:18,080 God, I hate you so bad! 125 00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:22,360 - Okay, you ready? ALL: Yeah! 126 00:06:22,520 --> 00:06:25,520 On your mark! Get set! Go! 127 00:06:25,840 --> 00:06:28,040 (cheering and shouting) 128 00:06:28,200 --> 00:06:30,000 - Go, go, go! - Go, horsey! 129 00:06:30,160 --> 00:06:31,840 Come on! Come on! 130 00:06:34,720 --> 00:06:37,320 (exclaiming) 131 00:06:39,200 --> 00:06:42,000 No! Wait a second! Charlie, you hit me! 132 00:06:42,160 --> 00:06:43,960 - You hit me, Charlie! - So what? So what? 133 00:06:44,120 --> 00:06:46,120 - You are fast. - I was winning anyway. 134 00:06:46,280 --> 00:06:48,560 This one's too heavy! This one's too heavy! 135 00:06:48,720 --> 00:06:50,520 - You are freakishly fast! - Thanks. 136 00:06:52,520 --> 00:06:55,440 - Charlie, got any booze in here? - Yeah, yeah. 137 00:06:55,600 --> 00:06:57,880 Check under my bed or under one of my pillows. 138 00:06:58,040 --> 00:07:02,840 Hey, guys, I can't thank you enough. I feel so much better. So much. 139 00:07:03,000 --> 00:07:05,400 Yeah, man. Hey, you look great. Make yourself at home. 140 00:07:05,560 --> 00:07:07,760 - We gotta get him out of here. - What? Why, dude? 141 00:07:07,920 --> 00:07:09,600 Because there's two of them and three of us! 142 00:07:09,760 --> 00:07:11,640 Have a heart. The guy's going through a divorce. 143 00:07:11,800 --> 00:07:13,520 Since when do you give a shit about people? 144 00:07:13,680 --> 00:07:15,560 Maybe you should be the one that leaves, okay? 145 00:07:15,720 --> 00:07:17,720 Charlie. Don't you roll away when I'm talking to you. 146 00:07:17,880 --> 00:07:20,080 - I'm the reason they're here. - That is bullshit! You know it. 147 00:07:20,240 --> 00:07:22,920 - Do not ruin this for me! - I'm not ruining anything! 148 00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:25,520 Whoa! What are you guys fighting about? 149 00:07:25,680 --> 00:07:27,800 Nothing, man. We're just having a... 150 00:07:27,960 --> 00:07:30,360 Well, take it out in the hall. You're ruining the vibe. 151 00:07:30,520 --> 00:07:32,320 Okay. We'll go out in the hall. 152 00:07:32,560 --> 00:07:34,080 - Watch my... Watch my... - Shut up! 153 00:07:34,240 --> 00:07:36,840 Easy. Easy! Your behavior is unbelievable, man. 154 00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:38,920 - How are we gonna do this? - Okay. 155 00:07:39,080 --> 00:07:42,760 - Let's flip a coin. Loser leaves. - Great. 156 00:07:42,920 --> 00:07:45,000 - Okay, get a coin. - I don't have a coin. 157 00:07:45,160 --> 00:07:46,560 - Why don't you... - Give me a coin. 158 00:07:46,720 --> 00:07:48,720 - You have a coin? - Of course I don't have a coin. 159 00:07:48,880 --> 00:07:50,680 - Let's flip something else. - All right. 160 00:07:50,840 --> 00:07:52,560 Something in the hallway, like a feather. 161 00:07:52,720 --> 00:07:54,440 - That piece of wood? - That's not gonna work. 162 00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:55,880 - Something off the chair? - Yeah. 163 00:07:56,040 --> 00:07:58,160 Maybe we'll just break something off the chair. 164 00:07:58,320 --> 00:07:59,920 Don't... Don't break it too much. 165 00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:01,680 - That's not gonna work. - It's a rental. 166 00:08:01,840 --> 00:08:03,920 - Frank's got money. Let's ask him. - All right. 167 00:08:05,280 --> 00:08:06,280 It's locked. 168 00:08:06,440 --> 00:08:08,320 No. You gotta push it hard 'cause it sticks. 169 00:08:08,480 --> 00:08:10,560 - I'm telling you, it's locked. - Bang again! Frank! 170 00:08:10,720 --> 00:08:12,120 Frank, open the door, dude! 171 00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:14,160 - Hey. - Oh. Hey. 172 00:08:14,320 --> 00:08:16,720 You guys need to give me about 45 minutes in here, okay? 173 00:08:16,880 --> 00:08:18,480 Hey, Charlie, here's five dollars. 174 00:08:18,640 --> 00:08:20,760 Go down to Wawa, pick me up a couple of sodas. 175 00:08:20,920 --> 00:08:23,120 I got a feeling I'll be pretty thirsty after this. 176 00:08:23,280 --> 00:08:25,480 - Yeah. Hey... - Oh... (lock clicks) 177 00:08:26,880 --> 00:08:28,960 Son of a bitch. 178 00:08:29,920 --> 00:08:32,280 (music) 179 00:08:32,680 --> 00:08:34,400 Over the line. Over the line! 180 00:08:34,560 --> 00:08:35,960 I'm... I'm on the line. 181 00:08:36,120 --> 00:08:38,440 On the line is over the line. Get your foot on your side. 182 00:08:38,600 --> 00:08:40,200 Which side? This one? Is this the side? 183 00:08:40,360 --> 00:08:41,960 - No. - This the one you're talking about? 184 00:08:42,120 --> 00:08:44,320 Get... All right. You know what? Oh, what is this? 185 00:08:44,480 --> 00:08:46,880 - Do you recognize this lamp? - Where'd you get that? 186 00:08:47,040 --> 00:08:48,840 I think this is the lamp Dad got you in China. 187 00:08:49,000 --> 00:08:50,200 - Give it back. - As I recall. 188 00:08:50,360 --> 00:08:52,360 - Give me my lamp. - Must have gotten it of your room. 189 00:08:52,520 --> 00:08:54,320 - It's mine. - Let me put it on your side. 190 00:08:57,000 --> 00:08:59,200 - You... - Oh, that is a shame. 191 00:08:59,360 --> 00:09:01,480 - That's fine. I don't care. Yeah. - It slipped. 192 00:09:01,640 --> 00:09:03,840 By the way, I wanted to show you something 193 00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:05,720 my feeble little arms were able to carry. 194 00:09:05,880 --> 00:09:06,880 By all means. 195 00:09:09,120 --> 00:09:11,600 - Mr. Tibbs. - Oh, is that it? 196 00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:14,280 Is that Mr. Tibbs? Is that what they call you? Mr. Tibbs? 197 00:09:14,880 --> 00:09:17,600 - What do they call you now? - Whatever. 198 00:09:18,480 --> 00:09:20,760 I don't care. (shudders softly) 199 00:09:20,920 --> 00:09:24,040 (door opens) Hey-o! 200 00:09:24,760 --> 00:09:27,760 (grunts) - What's up, bitches? - What... What? 201 00:09:27,920 --> 00:09:29,920 Dennis, you would not believe how great this thing is. 202 00:09:30,080 --> 00:09:31,160 People give you free shit 203 00:09:31,320 --> 00:09:33,840 and women treat you like a puppy they found out on the street. 204 00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:35,480 - Really? - Yeah. Dude, I was thinking. 205 00:09:35,640 --> 00:09:37,960 You pick up one of these bad boys, we head down to the mall. 206 00:09:38,120 --> 00:09:41,200 There's a ton of talent down there. We've been looking for a new angle. 207 00:09:41,360 --> 00:09:44,080 - That does sound like fun. - Yeah. Yeah, that'll work. 208 00:09:44,240 --> 00:09:45,240 Oh, I'm sorry, Dee. 209 00:09:45,400 --> 00:09:47,600 We're putting ourselves into the shoes of the unfortunate, 210 00:09:47,760 --> 00:09:50,160 see what their world's like, maybe gain a little perspective. 211 00:09:50,320 --> 00:09:53,000 - What do you do? - I don't take advantage of people. 212 00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:57,640 Oh! Look at Sweet Dee sitting on her cloud of judgment, 213 00:09:57,800 --> 00:10:00,720 handing down life lessons to all the sinners. 214 00:10:00,880 --> 00:10:03,200 Come on, Mac. Let's go get crippled. 215 00:10:03,360 --> 00:10:05,560 (music) 216 00:10:08,520 --> 00:10:09,520 Charlie. 217 00:10:10,120 --> 00:10:12,720 - Charlie, buddy. Charlie. - Oh, my God, I'm cold. 218 00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:17,160 - We gotta talk, Charlie. - Oh, yeah, Frank. We have to talk. 219 00:10:17,320 --> 00:10:20,040 Last night was one of the greatest nights of my whole life. 220 00:10:20,200 --> 00:10:21,200 I'm sure it was. 221 00:10:21,360 --> 00:10:23,840 I used to live like this in squalor and filth, 222 00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:27,240 always trying to get over on people, scamming my way through situations. 223 00:10:27,400 --> 00:10:30,200 - I don't care! - I wanna live like you again. 224 00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:33,680 I wanna be pathetic and desperate and ugly and hopeless. 225 00:10:33,840 --> 00:10:36,360 - I am not ugly. - It's the change I've looked for. 226 00:10:36,520 --> 00:10:38,520 - I wanna move in with you. - Are you out... 227 00:10:39,120 --> 00:10:41,720 Are you out of your damn mind? You made me sleep out in the hall. 228 00:10:41,880 --> 00:10:43,600 You ignored my cries for help at night. 229 00:10:43,760 --> 00:10:45,560 I'll pay for your rent for six months. 230 00:10:45,760 --> 00:10:46,760 - Twelve. - Six. 231 00:10:46,920 --> 00:10:47,920 - Ten. - Six. 232 00:10:48,080 --> 00:10:49,080 - Nine. - Six. 233 00:10:49,240 --> 00:10:50,240 - Ten. - Six. 234 00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:51,400 - Twelve. - Four. 235 00:10:51,560 --> 00:10:52,560 - Six. - Deal. 236 00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:54,720 - No more sleeping in the hall. - I can't promise that. 237 00:10:54,880 --> 00:10:56,480 - Let's get ready. - Where are you taking me? 238 00:10:56,640 --> 00:10:58,640 - Back to the strip club. - All right. Strip club... 239 00:10:58,800 --> 00:11:00,840 (screams) - Dude! My legs! - Hold on a second. 240 00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:03,280 This is going to be like shooting fish in a barrel for us. 241 00:11:03,440 --> 00:11:05,520 It's gonna be awesome. What's your backstory? 242 00:11:05,840 --> 00:11:06,840 What do you mean? 243 00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:09,200 Bro, your backstory. How'd your legs get crippled? 244 00:11:09,520 --> 00:11:12,120 - I don't know. - Check mine out. I had polio. Okay? 245 00:11:12,280 --> 00:11:15,000 That's why I'm rocking the FDR look with the blanket and everything. 246 00:11:15,160 --> 00:11:17,880 I got a problem. My legs are really muscular and athletic. 247 00:11:18,040 --> 00:11:20,040 So nobody's gonna believe that they're dead. 248 00:11:20,200 --> 00:11:22,680 With the blanket, everyone will assume that underneath, 249 00:11:22,840 --> 00:11:24,320 my legs are withered and useless. 250 00:11:25,840 --> 00:11:27,720 - That's a good idea. - Bro, it's brilliant. 251 00:11:27,880 --> 00:11:28,880 I have polio, too. 252 00:11:29,240 --> 00:11:30,840 You can't have it. That's my disease. 253 00:11:31,000 --> 00:11:33,200 - You gotta pick your own disease. - But I want polio. 254 00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:36,040 - Well, you can't have it. - What the hell is this? 255 00:11:38,160 --> 00:11:39,880 Are you sure you're okay? 256 00:11:40,520 --> 00:11:42,920 It's really important that I do this myself. 257 00:11:43,280 --> 00:11:45,680 You are so brave. (chuckles) 258 00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:52,800 (chuckles) 259 00:11:53,240 --> 00:11:58,440 - I got it! All by myself, I did it. - Yeah, you did. That's awesome. 260 00:12:04,040 --> 00:12:05,240 Goddamn it. 261 00:12:05,720 --> 00:12:07,720 What are we gonna do? We can't go back in there. 262 00:12:07,880 --> 00:12:09,480 - Everybody's desensitized. - Look. 263 00:12:09,640 --> 00:12:12,640 We'll go to Crate & Barrel. Maybe we can find some cougars or something. 264 00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:13,800 Hey, guys! 265 00:12:13,960 --> 00:12:15,960 Shit! What do we do? What do we do? 266 00:12:16,200 --> 00:12:18,920 Okay. Just play it cool, man. Play it cool. 267 00:12:20,680 --> 00:12:21,680 - Hey. - Hey. 268 00:12:21,840 --> 00:12:23,440 - How's it going? - I have polio. 269 00:12:23,800 --> 00:12:24,800 Oh. 270 00:12:29,440 --> 00:12:30,440 Okay. 271 00:12:32,040 --> 00:12:35,920 - And I have polio... - He has polio, too. 272 00:12:43,160 --> 00:12:44,160 All right. 273 00:12:50,360 --> 00:12:55,560 (music) 274 00:13:00,920 --> 00:13:03,240 So if you wanna shower, you gotta shower in the bar. 275 00:13:03,400 --> 00:13:05,400 - Shower in the bar? - Yeah. Shower in the sink. 276 00:13:05,560 --> 00:13:07,560 - In the sink? - You never showered in a sink... 277 00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:11,120 - Oh, oh, oh... Oh, my God! - What? 278 00:13:11,360 --> 00:13:12,960 - Do you see that? - What? 279 00:13:13,120 --> 00:13:14,240 I got a good idea, Frank. 280 00:13:14,400 --> 00:13:16,680 I know how we can really up our game at the strip club. 281 00:13:16,840 --> 00:13:17,840 How? 282 00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:22,280 Who gets more respect and admiration in this country than war heroes? 283 00:13:23,880 --> 00:13:25,480 - Athletes. - Yeah, that's true. 284 00:13:25,640 --> 00:13:26,960 - But after that. - Rock stars. 285 00:13:27,120 --> 00:13:29,440 - Also true. But after that, Frank. - Actors. 286 00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:30,800 - Yeah... Right. - Models. 287 00:13:30,960 --> 00:13:32,240 - Yes. Look... - Rich people. 288 00:13:32,400 --> 00:13:34,600 Okay, look! If you just buy me this costume, 289 00:13:34,760 --> 00:13:38,080 I'm gonna show them a war hero they can't take their eyes off of. 290 00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:40,120 I don't think the costume's gonna work. 291 00:13:40,280 --> 00:13:42,480 This costume... The chicks are gonna go crazy over this. 292 00:13:42,640 --> 00:13:44,240 FRANK: Maybe I should do the talking. 293 00:13:44,400 --> 00:13:47,400 It's gonna be like fish in a barrel. I got it covered. Watch and learn. 294 00:13:47,560 --> 00:13:50,240 Oh, look at you, sweetie. What happened? 295 00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:55,240 Viet-goddamn-nam's what happened! Go get me a beer, bitch! 296 00:13:55,440 --> 00:13:57,960 - Excuse me. - What are you doing? 297 00:13:58,240 --> 00:14:00,640 - Hey, that was working. - Let me do the talking. 298 00:14:01,720 --> 00:14:03,920 - I'll take it from here. - Did you just box me in? 299 00:14:05,920 --> 00:14:09,120 You don't do that to a guy, Frank. You don't box in a vet! 300 00:14:09,280 --> 00:14:10,960 You don't stick a vet in the corner, Frank! 301 00:14:11,120 --> 00:14:13,040 He's a little loosey-goosey upstairs. 302 00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:17,400 I try to get him out as much as possible. It's very difficult. 303 00:14:17,560 --> 00:14:21,080 - Is he your... - He's my poor little crippled boy. 304 00:14:21,240 --> 00:14:23,120 Oh, that's so sad. 305 00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:25,880 I didn't fight no damn war so I could be boxed in 306 00:14:26,040 --> 00:14:29,040 by some square commie-ass piece of shit! 307 00:14:29,480 --> 00:14:31,080 Well, I feel awful. 308 00:14:31,240 --> 00:14:33,840 That's what happens when you meet an actual crippled person. 309 00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:35,280 - Brings you down. - Disabled. 310 00:14:35,440 --> 00:14:37,240 Whatever. Crippled, disabled... I don't care! 311 00:14:37,400 --> 00:14:39,400 I just wanna get out of here. This thing's ruined. 312 00:14:39,560 --> 00:14:41,880 I know! We should because you weren't pulling it off anyway. 313 00:14:42,040 --> 00:14:45,360 Hold on a second. Don't pull that shit with me, okay? 314 00:14:45,520 --> 00:14:47,800 - I didn't ruin this. You did. - How did I ruin it? 315 00:14:47,960 --> 00:14:50,240 Because I had a good polio backstory that the chicks... 316 00:14:50,400 --> 00:14:52,400 Nobody cares about polio or backstories or... 317 00:14:52,560 --> 00:14:55,560 You know what? I bet you a million dollars if I had talked to a girl... 318 00:14:55,720 --> 00:14:58,000 - For God's sakes! - About my withered legs, then... 319 00:14:58,160 --> 00:14:59,760 What are we doing? What are we doing? 320 00:15:00,680 --> 00:15:04,880 I think that there's only one true way to settle this like gentlemen. 321 00:15:07,760 --> 00:15:08,760 You're dead! 322 00:15:11,440 --> 00:15:12,440 Hey! 323 00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:19,000 No! No! 324 00:15:19,240 --> 00:15:21,920 - Oh, yeah, baby! - You cheated! You cheated! 325 00:15:22,080 --> 00:15:26,080 - Oh, yeah! Whoo! - You suck! All you do is cheat! 326 00:15:26,640 --> 00:15:28,960 How do you feel about that? How do you feel about that? 327 00:15:29,120 --> 00:15:31,640 What are you doing? You're just a sore loser! 328 00:15:34,840 --> 00:15:36,040 What's going on down there? 329 00:15:36,760 --> 00:15:40,160 Two guys pretending to be disabled and kicking each other's asses. 330 00:15:42,280 --> 00:15:44,280 What a bunch of scumbags. (scoffs) 331 00:15:54,720 --> 00:15:57,000 - Being handicapped sucks. - Oh, yeah. It's too much work. 332 00:15:57,160 --> 00:15:59,360 - There's nothing to show for it. - No advantages. 333 00:15:59,520 --> 00:16:01,120 - Look at this guy. - Another homeless guy? 334 00:16:01,280 --> 00:16:02,560 - Buddy. - Hey, pal, wake up. 335 00:16:02,720 --> 00:16:04,400 - Hey. - Charlie? 336 00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:07,400 - What the hell are you doing? - What time is it? 337 00:16:07,560 --> 00:16:09,560 Why are you dressed like that? What is going on? 338 00:16:09,720 --> 00:16:10,920 Why are you sleeping out here? 339 00:16:11,080 --> 00:16:14,080 Because I can't sleep in there! I can't get onto the stupid curb! 340 00:16:14,240 --> 00:16:15,640 Why would you wanna sleep in there? 341 00:16:15,800 --> 00:16:17,520 Your dad keeps swooping in, taking my chicks 342 00:16:17,680 --> 00:16:19,200 and locking me out of my apartment! 343 00:16:20,600 --> 00:16:23,600 Okay. Well, we were gonna go inside and get drunk. Wanna come with us? 344 00:16:23,760 --> 00:16:25,640 No. Look at me. I got a whole thing going on. 345 00:16:25,800 --> 00:16:28,320 - What... Really? - I'm going to... Don't touch that. 346 00:16:28,480 --> 00:16:30,920 I'm going to the strip club. I'm gonna get some girls... 347 00:16:31,080 --> 00:16:33,680 - With this? - Yeah, with this! 348 00:16:33,840 --> 00:16:36,040 I mean, the whole thing is... This is good as gold. 349 00:16:36,200 --> 00:16:38,400 Frank keeps coming in. He swoops in, takes my chicks. 350 00:16:38,560 --> 00:16:40,960 He doesn't care about me. What kind of a guy does that? 351 00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:43,720 Who comes into someone's apartment and just kicks him out? 352 00:16:43,880 --> 00:16:46,160 Like I'm a piece of crap. Like I belong on the street. 353 00:16:46,320 --> 00:16:48,840 Like I'm some kind of piece of dirt. That's bullshit, man! 354 00:16:49,320 --> 00:16:53,600 War hero coming through. How you doing? War hero. So... 355 00:16:53,760 --> 00:16:57,680 Kind of a big deal. I'm a war hero. How do you... Hey, how you doin'? 356 00:16:57,840 --> 00:17:00,960 I'm a war hero. So I'll catch up with you. Alright. 357 00:17:01,120 --> 00:17:04,520 Okay. All right. Hey, war hero. So... 358 00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:07,400 All right. All right. Maybe hit the gym a little bit. 359 00:17:09,040 --> 00:17:10,040 What the hell? 360 00:17:10,200 --> 00:17:14,320 Yeah! (hooting and shouting) 361 00:17:14,480 --> 00:17:16,360 No! 362 00:17:16,560 --> 00:17:19,560 No! No! 363 00:17:19,720 --> 00:17:22,800 Charlie! Hey, this is my roommate, Charlie. 364 00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:24,880 - Girls, say hello to Charlie. - No! 365 00:17:25,040 --> 00:17:29,440 GIRLS: Hi, Charlie! - No! No! No! No! No! 366 00:17:29,640 --> 00:17:33,040 No, Frank! Come here! Come here! 367 00:17:36,280 --> 00:17:38,880 - What... What is this shit? - Well, it's just... 368 00:17:39,040 --> 00:17:40,520 I rigged it up. It's like... 369 00:17:40,680 --> 00:17:42,880 I'm really using my hands, but they don't know it. 370 00:17:43,040 --> 00:17:45,760 What are you doing with strippers? You're stealing my thing! 371 00:17:45,920 --> 00:17:49,120 What? Well, I figured, you know, I'd cut out the middleman. 372 00:17:49,320 --> 00:17:50,920 This way, everybody wins. 373 00:17:51,560 --> 00:17:52,640 I don't win. 374 00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:55,080 The other thing I figured out is the only thing 375 00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:58,960 that attracts the attention of strippers more than pity is money. 376 00:17:59,120 --> 00:18:02,240 And I brought a shitload of that. (cackling) 377 00:18:02,400 --> 00:18:04,400 - What... Charlie! - I'm gonna kill you! 378 00:18:04,560 --> 00:18:06,680 - You're blowing up my scene! - Are you crazy? 379 00:18:06,840 --> 00:18:09,440 This is the best thing that ever happened and you're ruining it! 380 00:18:09,600 --> 00:18:11,400 You come to my apartment! You lock me out! 381 00:18:11,560 --> 00:18:13,560 Take all my girls! It's not a win-win situation! 382 00:18:13,720 --> 00:18:15,720 - My thumb's on your neck. - Why can't you give me this? 383 00:18:15,880 --> 00:18:17,480 - This guy's a walker! - I'm gonna kill you. 384 00:18:17,640 --> 00:18:20,040 But I love the guy, all right? 385 00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:23,080 He's family, you know? I mean, we've been through a lot together. 386 00:18:23,480 --> 00:18:27,360 Okay? So, you know, is it wrong for me to love him? 387 00:18:27,520 --> 00:18:28,520 I don't know. 388 00:18:28,680 --> 00:18:30,960 If I have to listen to you talk about this stupid, 389 00:18:31,120 --> 00:18:34,640 goddamned stuffed elephant anymore, I'm going to punch you in the head. 390 00:18:34,800 --> 00:18:38,800 Hey! Mr. Tibbs was not just some stupid stuffed element... 391 00:18:38,960 --> 00:18:41,960 Elephant, okay? He was like a companion. 392 00:18:42,120 --> 00:18:43,120 Strip club! 393 00:18:44,480 --> 00:18:46,360 - All right. Let's go... - Strip club! 394 00:18:46,520 --> 00:18:48,320 Yeah. Let's go to the strip club. 395 00:18:49,240 --> 00:18:50,240 You're driving. 396 00:18:55,560 --> 00:18:56,560 All right. 397 00:18:56,720 --> 00:18:58,520 You know, I didn't realize that somebody 398 00:18:58,680 --> 00:19:01,160 n your condition could have so much energy. 399 00:19:01,320 --> 00:19:03,440 - Well, you gotta live, right? - God! 400 00:19:03,600 --> 00:19:06,080 You know, you... You are an amazing person. 401 00:19:06,480 --> 00:19:09,480 I'm scoring in there, and you come in there and blow everything! 402 00:19:09,640 --> 00:19:10,840 You shouldn't even be in there! 403 00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:12,480 You get your hands off my blow tube! 404 00:19:12,640 --> 00:19:14,840 CHARLIE: Go get your goddamn car and give me a ride home! 405 00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:17,000 - I'll give you a ride home! - Hey! 406 00:19:17,200 --> 00:19:19,720 (shouting) Ow, my legs! 407 00:19:19,880 --> 00:19:22,680 Oh, my legs! (groans) Frank, what are you doing? 408 00:19:22,840 --> 00:19:24,520 - Hey, Dad! CHARLIE: My broken legs! 409 00:19:24,680 --> 00:19:26,480 Why are you beating up a homeless person? 410 00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:28,600 What the hell's with the crutches? 411 00:19:28,760 --> 00:19:31,640 It's kind of a long story. I can't really go into it right now. 412 00:19:31,800 --> 00:19:33,600 Oh, yeah? Whether you like it or not... 413 00:19:33,760 --> 00:19:35,360 - Here! How about that? - Hey! Give... 414 00:19:35,520 --> 00:19:37,720 Whoo! That's right! We're going to the strip club! 415 00:19:37,880 --> 00:19:40,600 I'm gonna steal Charlie's girls at the strip club! 416 00:19:41,160 --> 00:19:44,840 I'm gonna buy you a lap dance. I'm gonna buy myself a lap dance. 417 00:19:45,000 --> 00:19:47,480 I'm gonna buy everybody at the whole strip club a lap dance. 418 00:19:47,640 --> 00:19:50,440 Whoa! Are you people all pretending to be handicapped? 419 00:19:50,600 --> 00:19:52,480 - Mind your business. - Give me the crutches back. 420 00:19:52,640 --> 00:19:53,640 - No! - Dad! 421 00:19:53,800 --> 00:19:57,000 (laughing) 422 00:19:57,160 --> 00:19:59,160 Who's acting like a child? You stole my stuff! 423 00:19:59,320 --> 00:20:00,960 - Oh! Whoo! - Whoo, baby! 424 00:20:01,120 --> 00:20:03,120 - I'm gonna count to three. - You don't get the crutches. 425 00:20:05,880 --> 00:20:07,280 - One thousand-two... - Here's the crutches. 426 00:20:07,440 --> 00:20:08,760 - Give me... - You can't have 'em! 427 00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:10,400 (arguing continues) 428 00:20:10,560 --> 00:20:12,760 BOTH: Oh, shit! (loud crash) 429 00:20:14,080 --> 00:20:15,280 MAN ON PA: Paging Dr. Lyon. 430 00:20:15,440 --> 00:20:17,560 Dr. Lyon, please report to the emergency room. 431 00:20:17,720 --> 00:20:19,920 We are so lucky that nobody got killed. 432 00:20:20,080 --> 00:20:21,280 - Oh, my God. - Well, yeah. 433 00:20:21,440 --> 00:20:23,640 Actually, Dennis is lucky that nobody got killed 434 00:20:23,800 --> 00:20:25,800 since he's the guy that just about killed everybody. 435 00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:28,640 - Maybe you killed somebody. - How does that make sense? 436 00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:30,000 Maybe you did kill somebody! 437 00:20:30,160 --> 00:20:31,960 You were standing in front of a driving car... 438 00:20:32,120 --> 00:20:34,120 - Yeah, well, driving a vehicle... - Shut up! 439 00:20:34,480 --> 00:20:36,360 Will you shut up, for crying out loud! 440 00:20:36,520 --> 00:20:41,040 Don't youse ever stop fighting and just shut the hell up? 441 00:20:46,440 --> 00:20:47,720 Now, who wants ice cream? 442 00:20:48,240 --> 00:20:49,840 - I do. - Really, Dad? 443 00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:52,040 Enjoy a nice ice cream 444 00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:56,200 and just thank goodness that nobody important got seriously hurt. 445 00:20:56,680 --> 00:21:01,080 (monitor beeping) 446 00:21:02,840 --> 00:21:04,560 What a bunch of assholes.