MAC: Come on. One more race. DENNIS: When we race, you lose.
CHARLIE: You always lose.
MAC: One more and we'll go to the strip club.
DENNIS: Three, two, one.
- Goddamn it! - What is wrong with you?
- Super slow drinker here. - Do you have a little throat?
- Dennis, we gotta get out of here. - Why?
I got off the phone with Dad. He wants to stop by and talk to us.
- What does he want? - I don't know!
Let's go before we have to deal with this!
Let's get out of here before you guys get around your father.
Let's just take care of one more... Don't... Don't be grabby.
- Dennis, I need to borrow $20. - What, dude?
- Just give me some money, man. - How come you never have money?
- Dee? Moneys? - No way.
What are you gonna do at the strip club with...
- Will you just get in the car! - No!
It sucks for me 'cause you guys get all the girls and the attention!
My dad's gonna be here in a second! Will you get in the car!
No! I'm going home! I'm going home.
- Can we go? Please! - Yeah, we can go. We can go.
- Dennis! - Oh, Jesus!
CHARLIE: Dennis, no! (loud thud)
CHARLIE: Dennis, you son of a bitch!
DENNIS: What the hell is wrong with you, Dad?
Why would you sneak around the bar at night?
You don't snoop, sneak, appear in front of cars and yell names!
- No! - I had something important to tell.
Really? What's so important it can't wait till morning?
Nothing's more important than we hitting our friend with a car.
Oh, yeah? Try this on for size. Your mother's dead.
- No. - What?
Oh, my God! (sighs)
No, she's not dead. We're gettin' divorced though.
- Why... - Why...
- What... - What...
- Why would you say she's dead? - It's a business tactic.
You drop the bomb, then you soften the blow. You never tried this?
- That's a terrible business tactic! - You are a horrible father.
That's what I came to talk to you about.
I hate the kind of person that your whore mother turned me into.
The big house, the big car... I'm giving it all away.
- Hmm? - Giving it away how?
For starters, I'm giving all my money to charity.
Then I'm gonna hang out with you two.
That's what this is all about, spending time with my kids.
- Hold on a second. - I wanna be the father I never was.
- Shh, shh, shh. - Getting to know them.
What did you say about the money?
- I'm giving it all away. - That is a very stupid thing to do.
You're a very stupid, stupid man. Who are you gonna give it to?
I don't know. Poor people.
- Poor people? - Poor people?
What... What is your... Okay, where's Mom?
Mom? She's on vacation banging one of the boys she hangs out with.
Dennis, your mother is a dirty, dirty whore.
Goddamn it, Dad! First you force me to run over my friend Charlie
and then you start talking about Mom like she's dead.
- Now she's a dirty whore? - And the money.
You can't waltz back into our lives and be our dad again!
- And the money. - It doesn't work that way.
- You can't just barge in! - And the money!
And the money! My God, Dad!
All of our money? (gasps)
- Well, that was awkward. - Yes, it was.
- Sort of a private conversation. - Very much a family-type moment.
- We didn't need to hear that. CHARLIE: Not for our ears.
Wanna go to the strip club?
(rock music playing) I don't know.
I've been manically depressed for the past couple of years.
I just feel like I need a serious change or I'm gonna kill myself.
Right, so when you say you're giving your money away to poor people,
do you mean "Mexico" poor or can it be "Me and Charlie" poor?
I haven't given that much thought.
Put some thought into that one. Consider that.
Yeah, man. Give that some thought.
In the meantime, you wanna get shit-faced, bro. So I tell you what.
Before we get crazy giving away our money here,
what do you say we buy a couple of pitchers,
maybe a few tequila shots, a few rounds of kamikazes.
After that, we'll hit the town, tie on a serious buzz. Alright, bud?
Oh, my God! You poor baby. What happened?
My best friend ran me over with his car.
(gasps) Yeah.
- Oh, my God! That's terrible! - Yeah, yeah.
- Do you want a lap dance? - Oh...
- I don't have any money. - Oh!
- I could give you one for free. - Really?
Okay. Okay.
Oh, my God! You poor baby. What happened to you?
His friend ran him over with a car.
- That is so sad. - I know.
I was gonna give him a free lap dance.
- She totally was. - I'll join you!
That's great! Do one of you girls wanna hook my boy up over here?
- He's really down in the dumps. - Okay!
- No, no, no. I don't... I don't... - Oh, come on, buddy!
- You gotta do this! - Embrace it. Get in the spirit.
This is gonna cheer you up.
Well, maybe just one. (all cheering)
All right, Frank! See? That's the spirit that beat the Japanese!
God. Stupid Dad! Never gave me a goddamn thing.
Give his shit to poor people. Poor people? (glass breaking)
(yells) Ooh! Ooh!
Oh! Oh.
Dee, you scared the shit out of me. What are you doing?
Same thing you're doing, Dennis.
I'm not letting Dad give all this shit to poor people.
I got here first. I'm taking the plasma TV and the fish tank.
- How come you get to pick? - It's not that I get to pick.
I'm a man and I'm strong. I can carry heavy things.
You're a woman. You're weak and you can't.
- You're a woman and you're weak. - That doesn't make any sense.
- You don't make any sense. - Great. I'll tell you what.
I'm gonna take all the stuff I want and load it into my enormous SUV,
and you can grab some trinkets and throw it in your tiny little car.
I don't... All right, look. We don't need to be doing this, okay?
You're my brother. We're... We're in this thing together.
We don't need to make this a competition.
Yeah. You're right.
A competition. That's a good idea. I'll make you a deal.
Whatever your feeble little arms can carry out of here, you can keep.
And the rest is mine.
God, I hate you so bad!
- Okay, you ready? ALL: Yeah!
On your mark! Get set! Go!
(cheering and shouting)
- Go, go, go! - Go, horsey!
Come on! Come on!
(exclaiming)
No! Wait a second! Charlie, you hit me!
- You hit me, Charlie! - So what? So what?
- You are fast. - I was winning anyway.
This one's too heavy! This one's too heavy!
- You are freakishly fast! - Thanks.
- Charlie, got any booze in here? - Yeah, yeah.
Check under my bed or under one of my pillows.
Hey, guys, I can't thank you enough. I feel so much better. So much.
Yeah, man. Hey, you look great. Make yourself at home.
- We gotta get him out of here. - What? Why, dude?
Because there's two of them and three of us!
Have a heart. The guy's going through a divorce.
Since when do you give a shit about people?
Maybe you should be the one that leaves, okay?
Charlie. Don't you roll away when I'm talking to you.
- I'm the reason they're here. - That is bullshit! You know it.
- Do not ruin this for me! - I'm not ruining anything!
Whoa! What are you guys fighting about?
Nothing, man. We're just having a...
Well, take it out in the hall. You're ruining the vibe.
Okay. We'll go out in the hall.
- Watch my... Watch my... - Shut up!
Easy. Easy! Your behavior is unbelievable, man.
- How are we gonna do this? - Okay.
- Let's flip a coin. Loser leaves. - Great.
- Okay, get a coin. - I don't have a coin.
- Why don't you... - Give me a coin.
- You have a coin? - Of course I don't have a coin.
- Let's flip something else. - All right.
Something in the hallway, like a feather.
- That piece of wood? - That's not gonna work.
- Something off the chair? - Yeah.
Maybe we'll just break something off the chair.
Don't... Don't break it too much.
- That's not gonna work. - It's a rental.
- Frank's got money. Let's ask him. - All right.
It's locked.
No. You gotta push it hard 'cause it sticks.
- I'm telling you, it's locked. - Bang again! Frank!
Frank, open the door, dude!
- Hey. - Oh. Hey.
You guys need to give me about 45 minutes in here, okay?
Hey, Charlie, here's five dollars.
Go down to Wawa, pick me up a couple of sodas.
I got a feeling I'll be pretty thirsty after this.
- Yeah. Hey... - Oh... (lock clicks)
Son of a bitch.
(music)
Over the line. Over the line!
I'm... I'm on the line.
On the line is over the line. Get your foot on your side.
Which side? This one? Is this the side?
- No. - This the one you're talking about?
Get... All right. You know what? Oh, what is this?
- Do you recognize this lamp? - Where'd you get that?
I think this is the lamp Dad got you in China.
- Give it back. - As I recall.
- Give me my lamp. - Must have gotten it of your room.
- It's mine. - Let me put it on your side.
- You... - Oh, that is a shame.
- That's fine. I don't care. Yeah. - It slipped.
By the way, I wanted to show you something
my feeble little arms were able to carry.
By all means.
- Mr. Tibbs. - Oh, is that it?
Is that Mr. Tibbs? Is that what they call you? Mr. Tibbs?
- What do they call you now? - Whatever.
I don't care. (shudders softly)
(door opens) Hey-o!
(grunts) - What's up, bitches? - What... What?
Dennis, you would not believe how great this thing is.
People give you free shit
and women treat you like a puppy they found out on the street.
- Really? - Yeah. Dude, I was thinking.
You pick up one of these bad boys, we head down to the mall.
There's a ton of talent down there. We've been looking for a new angle.
- That does sound like fun. - Yeah. Yeah, that'll work.
Oh, I'm sorry, Dee.
We're putting ourselves into the shoes of the unfortunate,
see what their world's like, maybe gain a little perspective.
- What do you do? - I don't take advantage of people.
Oh! Look at Sweet Dee sitting on her cloud of judgment,
handing down life lessons to all the sinners.
Come on, Mac. Let's go get crippled.
(music)
Charlie.
- Charlie, buddy. Charlie. - Oh, my God, I'm cold.
- We gotta talk, Charlie. - Oh, yeah, Frank. We have to talk.
Last night was one of the greatest nights of my whole life.
I'm sure it was.
I used to live like this in squalor and filth,
always trying to get over on people, scamming my way through situations.
- I don't care! - I wanna live like you again.
I wanna be pathetic and desperate and ugly and hopeless.
- I am not ugly. - It's the change I've looked for.
- I wanna move in with you. - Are you out...
Are you out of your damn mind? You made me sleep out in the hall.
You ignored my cries for help at night.
I'll pay for your rent for six months.
- Twelve. - Six.
- Ten. - Six.
- Nine. - Six.
- Ten. - Six.
- Twelve. - Four.
- Six. - Deal.
- No more sleeping in the hall. - I can't promise that.
- Let's get ready. - Where are you taking me?
- Back to the strip club. - All right. Strip club...
(screams) - Dude! My legs! - Hold on a second.
This is going to be like shooting fish in a barrel for us.
It's gonna be awesome. What's your backstory?
What do you mean?
Bro, your backstory. How'd your legs get crippled?
- I don't know. - Check mine out. I had polio. Okay?
That's why I'm rocking the FDR look with the blanket and everything.
I got a problem. My legs are really muscular and athletic.
So nobody's gonna believe that they're dead.
With the blanket, everyone will assume that underneath,
my legs are withered and useless.
- That's a good idea. - Bro, it's brilliant.
I have polio, too.
You can't have it. That's my disease.
- You gotta pick your own disease. - But I want polio.
- Well, you can't have it. - What the hell is this?
Are you sure you're okay?
It's really important that I do this myself.
You are so brave. (chuckles)
- I got it! All by myself, I did it. - Yeah, you did. That's awesome.
Goddamn it.
What are we gonna do? We can't go back in there.
- Everybody's desensitized. - Look.
We'll go to Crate & Barrel. Maybe we can find some cougars or something.
Hey, guys!
Shit! What do we do? What do we do?
Okay. Just play it cool, man. Play it cool.
- Hey. - Hey.
- How's it going? - I have polio.
Oh.
Okay.
- And I have polio... - He has polio, too.
All right.
(music)
So if you wanna shower, you gotta shower in the bar.
- Shower in the bar? - Yeah. Shower in the sink.
- In the sink? - You never showered in a sink...
- Oh, oh, oh... Oh, my God! - What?
- Do you see that? - What?
I got a good idea, Frank.
I know how we can really up our game at the strip club.
How?
Who gets more respect and admiration in this country than war heroes?
- Athletes. - Yeah, that's true.
- But after that. - Rock stars.
- Also true. But after that, Frank. - Actors.
- Yeah... Right. - Models.
- Yes. Look... - Rich people.
Okay, look! If you just buy me this costume,
I'm gonna show them a war hero they can't take their eyes off of.
I don't think the costume's gonna work.
This costume... The chicks are gonna go crazy over this.
FRANK: Maybe I should do the talking.
It's gonna be like fish in a barrel. I got it covered. Watch and learn.
Oh, look at you, sweetie. What happened?
Viet-goddamn-nam's what happened! Go get me a beer, bitch!
- Excuse me. - What are you doing?
- Hey, that was working. - Let me do the talking.
- I'll take it from here. - Did you just box me in?
You don't do that to a guy, Frank. You don't box in a vet!
You don't stick a vet in the corner, Frank!
He's a little loosey-goosey upstairs.
I try to get him out as much as possible. It's very difficult.
- Is he your... - He's my poor little crippled boy.
Oh, that's so sad.
I didn't fight no damn war so I could be boxed in
by some square commie-ass piece of shit!
Well, I feel awful.
That's what happens when you meet an actual crippled person.
- Brings you down. - Disabled.
Whatever. Crippled, disabled... I don't care!
I just wanna get out of here. This thing's ruined.
I know! We should because you weren't pulling it off anyway.
Hold on a second. Don't pull that shit with me, okay?
- I didn't ruin this. You did. - How did I ruin it?
Because I had a good polio backstory that the chicks...
Nobody cares about polio or backstories or...
You know what? I bet you a million dollars if I had talked to a girl...
- For God's sakes! - About my withered legs, then...
What are we doing? What are we doing?
I think that there's only one true way to settle this like gentlemen.
You're dead!
Hey!
No! No!
- Oh, yeah, baby! - You cheated! You cheated!
- Oh, yeah! Whoo! - You suck! All you do is cheat!
How do you feel about that? How do you feel about that?
What are you doing? You're just a sore loser!
What's going on down there?
Two guys pretending to be disabled and kicking each other's asses.
What a bunch of scumbags. (scoffs)
- Being handicapped sucks. - Oh, yeah. It's too much work.
- There's nothing to show for it. - No advantages.
- Look at this guy. - Another homeless guy?
- Buddy. - Hey, pal, wake up.
- Hey. - Charlie?
- What the hell are you doing? - What time is it?
Why are you dressed like that? What is going on?
Why are you sleeping out here?
Because I can't sleep in there! I can't get onto the stupid curb!
Why would you wanna sleep in there?
Your dad keeps swooping in, taking my chicks
and locking me out of my apartment!
Okay. Well, we were gonna go inside and get drunk. Wanna come with us?
No. Look at me. I got a whole thing going on.
- What... Really? - I'm going to... Don't touch that.
I'm going to the strip club. I'm gonna get some girls...
- With this? - Yeah, with this!
I mean, the whole thing is... This is good as gold.
Frank keeps coming in. He swoops in, takes my chicks.
He doesn't care about me. What kind of a guy does that?
Who comes into someone's apartment and just kicks him out?
Like I'm a piece of crap. Like I belong on the street.
Like I'm some kind of piece of dirt. That's bullshit, man!
War hero coming through. How you doing? War hero. So...
Kind of a big deal. I'm a war hero. How do you... Hey, how you doin'?
I'm a war hero. So I'll catch up with you. Alright.
Okay. All right. Hey, war hero. So...
All right. All right. Maybe hit the gym a little bit.
What the hell?
Yeah! (hooting and shouting)
No!
No! No!
Charlie! Hey, this is my roommate, Charlie.
- Girls, say hello to Charlie. - No!
GIRLS: Hi, Charlie! - No! No! No! No! No!
No, Frank! Come here! Come here!
- What... What is this shit? - Well, it's just...
I rigged it up. It's like...
I'm really using my hands, but they don't know it.
What are you doing with strippers? You're stealing my thing!
What? Well, I figured, you know, I'd cut out the middleman.
This way, everybody wins.
I don't win.
The other thing I figured out is the only thing
that attracts the attention of strippers more than pity is money.
And I brought a shitload of that. (cackling)
- What... Charlie! - I'm gonna kill you!
- You're blowing up my scene! - Are you crazy?
This is the best thing that ever happened and you're ruining it!
You come to my apartment! You lock me out!
Take all my girls! It's not a win-win situation!
- My thumb's on your neck. - Why can't you give me this?
- This guy's a walker! - I'm gonna kill you.
But I love the guy, all right?
He's family, you know? I mean, we've been through a lot together.
Okay? So, you know, is it wrong for me to love him?
I don't know.
If I have to listen to you talk about this stupid,
goddamned stuffed elephant anymore, I'm going to punch you in the head.
Hey! Mr. Tibbs was not just some stupid stuffed element...
Elephant, okay? He was like a companion.
Strip club!
- All right. Let's go... - Strip club!
Yeah. Let's go to the strip club.
You're driving.
All right.
You know, I didn't realize that somebody
n your condition could have so much energy.
- Well, you gotta live, right? - God!
You know, you... You are an amazing person.
I'm scoring in there, and you come in there and blow everything!
You shouldn't even be in there!
You get your hands off my blow tube!
CHARLIE: Go get your goddamn car and give me a ride home!
- I'll give you a ride home! - Hey!
(shouting) Ow, my legs!
Oh, my legs! (groans) Frank, what are you doing?
- Hey, Dad! CHARLIE: My broken legs!
Why are you beating up a homeless person?
What the hell's with the crutches?
It's kind of a long story. I can't really go into it right now.
Oh, yeah? Whether you like it or not...
- Here! How about that? - Hey! Give...
Whoo! That's right! We're going to the strip club!
I'm gonna steal Charlie's girls at the strip club!
I'm gonna buy you a lap dance. I'm gonna buy myself a lap dance.
I'm gonna buy everybody at the whole strip club a lap dance.
Whoa! Are you people all pretending to be handicapped?
- Mind your business. - Give me the crutches back.
- No! - Dad!
(laughing)
Who's acting like a child? You stole my stuff!
- Oh! Whoo! - Whoo, baby!
- I'm gonna count to three. - You don't get the crutches.
- One thousand-two... - Here's the crutches.
- Give me... - You can't have 'em!
(arguing continues)
BOTH: Oh, shit! (loud crash)
MAN ON PA: Paging Dr. Lyon.
Dr. Lyon, please report to the emergency room.
We are so lucky that nobody got killed.
- Oh, my God. - Well, yeah.
Actually, Dennis is lucky that nobody got killed
since he's the guy that just about killed everybody.
- Maybe you killed somebody. - How does that make sense?
Maybe you did kill somebody!
You were standing in front of a driving car...
- Yeah, well, driving a vehicle... - Shut up!
Will you shut up, for crying out loud!
Don't youse ever stop fighting and just shut the hell up?
Now, who wants ice cream?
- I do. - Really, Dad?
Enjoy a nice ice cream
and just thank goodness that nobody important got seriously hurt.
(monitor beeping)
What a bunch of assholes.