You were trying to figure out WTF.
with your BFFs the other day...
-You guys ever sexted? -No
All the times.
-Do you really? -Daily.
I'm a bit surprised at you, Squirrely Dan.
It's all above water, I assure's you.
I'm on a telephone application's called Bumble.
It's kind of like Tinder
except only the women's can initiate conversations.
So, what, they just message you
up on your telephone to sex talk?
Sex text. Correct.
Terrific.
I think I've been sexting with a gal, but not too sure.
Well, what did she sext ya?
LOL.
What did you sext her directly before that?
Well, I asked her if she wanted to go on a date.
That's not sexting.
-Sure's it is. -No, it isn't.
Dary asked a gal to go on the date
and she texted back LOL's.
Yes, so it appears as though
that's what went down, Squirrely Dan.
Well, that means, "Lots of love".
-No it doesn't. -Sure's it does.
No it doesn't. LOL means, "Laughing out loud".
So?
So one of two things, super chief.
Number A, she thinks the very thought
of going on a date with you is laughable.
Or number B, the fact that you'd think
she'd want to go on a date with you is laughable.
Either way you're hooped.
So?
So she's laughing at you, bud.
So it's...not sexting?
Figure it out.
Maybe she meant, "Lots of load".
You wanna know what?
That's the problem with sexting
and texting or technology in general.
The world needs less Facebook and more face-to-face.
More than a bit fuckin' embarrassing,
we're all sitting around here
trying decipher what three letters might mean.
I'm sensing a bit of hostility here, big shoots.
Wanna know how my Uncle Ed met my Aunt Mary?
Walked right up to her, like a sock hop.
Told her he thought she was pretty.
Uncle Eddie's was a legend.
Aunt Marian, too.
Then he asked her if she wanted to dance with him.
Like, if she wanted to twist.
I bet you he swing-danced her.
(SNICKERING) Before he ballroomed 'er.
And she walks over to her gal pals and they're all saying,
"How about the balls on this sailor.
Walks right up to a pretty girl like you asking for a twist."
Of course they're all green with envy
because no one's asked them to twist.
That sounds like Uncle Eddie's all right.
Yeah, sounds like par for the course for Uncle Eddie.
Don't you think it ends there. It doesn't.
Guess who walks into the sock hop like he owns the place?
Elvis Presley. King of rock 'n' roll.
Walks right up to Aunt Mary
and says he ain't nothin' but a hound dog.
Oh. Tight spot for Uncle Eddie's.
What did Uncle Eddie do?
Uncle Eddie? Walks right over
to the King of Rock 'n' Roll and puts him on his ass.
-Wow. -Uncle Eddie.
Next thing you know, in walks the Rat Pack
with Chuck Berry and the Beach Boys
who hadn't broken yet but were
making a name for themselves as California street toughs.
Guess what... all good buddies with Elvis.
-No. -He's a goner. Gotta be.
Think again.
Uncle Eddie gets a tap on his shoulder,
a voice says to him he says, "Hey, kid. Need a hand?"
Guess who?
You ever heard of Johnny Cash?
Well, now you're spinning's a yarn.
The Man In Black himself?
You better believe it's the Man In Black.
He's with his good pals John Wayne and James Brown
who don't take shit off anybody.
Everybody knows that.
You gonna throw hands at James Brown,
I'm sorry you're a goner. Everybody knows that.
But they're still outnumbered.
So guess who shimmies over in a real bad mood?
Who?
Little Richard. Gotta be.
Hey, you better fuckin' believe it's Little Richard.
He's with his good pal Bing Crosby.
That's Pre-White Christmas
when he was still on the bottle and a nasty drunk.
So you know it's on now.
Number one selling albums of all-times, White Christmas.
Uh, that's Pre -White Christmas. Look out.
So fuckin' Buddy Holly walks over
and Bertuzzi's Uncle Eddie, right?
Next thing you know,
Ray Charles has got Buddy Holly in a rear naked.
Buddy Holly's tappin', Ray Charles says,
"No way. It's not how this ends."
Cash is over there arm-barring Sinatra.
Sammy Davis Jr. switched sides halfway through the fight,
he's got Dean Martin in an Omoplata.
Well, where's Uncle Eddie?
Well, what's he gonna do? He's gotta do something.
Uncle Eddie's freshly transitioned
from a triangle choke in favor of a full mount.
He's got Brian Wilson down
ready to serve the final blow and someone catches his fist.
Guess who?
Johnny Cash.
Says, "Hey, kid.
We got this from here. Go get your girl."
Uncle Eddie gets up,
John Wayne gives him a tap on the butt
like they're old locker room pals.
Well, what's Aunt Marion's doing?
Did he go over to her?
Tell you what. She went to him, okay.
He scoops her up in his arms, fireman carries her out of there
to applause from the sock hoppers
who clear a path for them.
Takes her for a fuckin' milkshake.
Like a real man.
-Wow. -Uncle Eddie.
So next time you're thinking about texting a girl
to ask her out on a date,
I want you to stop and think.
About what?
About the glory you're leaving on the table.
(PHONE BUZZING)
Hey, it's her.
Well, what she says?
(READING) New phone. Who this?
LOL.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
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And that's why I never drink out of Gino Reda's mug again.
These sheets are just jibber...
Oh, hi. Welcome to Sports Centre.
I'm Dan, he's Jay.
Hello, Dan.
A homegrown feel-good story to round out the program.
Local hockey stars Hudson and James Bay
return from a stint in Europe
to Letterkenny, Ontario... to help their dad do hay.
Now what's not to like about that?
Oh, boy.
-Toolesy? -Yeah.
Letterkenny, Ontario.
-Problem, Toolesy? -No. No problem.
Letterkenny, Ontario.
Home of local hockey stars Hudson and James Bay.
Yeah. Yeah. You ever been to Letterkenny, Jay?
I've not had the pleasure, no.
As you're aware by now, I'm from Peterborough, Ontario.
-Yes, I'm aware. -Okay.
You're familiar with brawls in hockey.
Yes, I'm familiar.
Yeah, they happen all the time.
How about brawls in curling?
That's a new one!
Okay, that's what happened when
Letterkenny's curling team came to Peterborough.
-A curling brawl? -Yeah.
A brawl at a curling match.
You ever heard of a cribbage brawl?
More new territory...
Yeah, that's what happened routinely
when members of the Letterkenny Legion
came and played cribbage tournaments
against members of the Peterborough Legion.
A cribbage brawl?
Yeah. A brawl at a cribbage tournament.
Toolesy...
You think I'm making this crap up?
So what are you sayin' here, Toolesy?
Okay, just if I were Hudson and James Bay...
Home to do hay.
Yeah, yeah. I'd be staying in Europe.
Are you ready for this old goat to make your day?
Okay.
Guess who's coming to visit us this weekend?
-No way. -Way.
-No way. For hay? -For hay.
-No way. -All the way.
-Who did they say? -Well, they didn't, did they?
Well, not yet anyway.
So go ahead and say.
James and Hudson.
-Bay? -Bay.
James and Hudson Bay.
-No way. -Way.
-Home to stay? -Just for hay.
You don't say.
Well, you know, a little bit of work,
-little bit of play. -Hooray.
James and Hudson Bay.
Hicks all the way.
ALL: All the way.
Oh, look. There's a stray.
Those guys are LOL. Legends of Letterkenny.
Good workers, too.
Well, they're great workers.
They put away bales with the best of them.
Faster than a fox over a fence.
James and Hudson Bay.
You wanna know what?
The brothers Bay home for hay
is a chance for all of us to come together
and show 'em we're proud in our own special way.
So, stick with tradition?
Well, you don't fuck with tradition.
Puppers and a pig roast for the brothers Bay.
Puppers and a pig.
All right well, I'm gonna go talk to Tanis about the pig.
You get them cheapest on the Rez.
Okay, Katy. Okay.
Okay, Dary. Okay.
Okay, Dan. Okay.
-Okay, stray. -(CAT MEWING)
But what are we gonna call the party this year?
-Hay Days. -No.
-A Bay in the Life. -We're gettin' warmer.
-Baywatch. -Almost there.
Wait! Great day for Bay.
-Yes. -Yeah.
Yup.
ALL: Great Day for Bay.
Will somebody help me get that fuckin' stray?
Oh, shit, it's gettin' away.
Come on, yous two, he just wants to play.
Fuckin' beauties, boys.
Beauties and beasts.
The Brothers Bay.
James and Hudson Bay. Hockey players all the way.
Bay-ooo-to-ful.
Letterkenny Shamrocks all-time leaders
in points, PIMS and plus/minus.
Now they're playing in Europe.
Imagine all the Amserdamsels in Europe.
Be wheelin' abroad all right.
International ass.
Getting their ass ports stamped.
Oh, they're part of the European Poonion now, buddy.
Traveling through Titaly for sure.
Seeing all kind of Vati-cans.
Nice mountains in Titzerland, too.
Hammerin' all the Croati-ass.
Smashin' all that Romani-ass.
Slam crushin' all that Albani-ass.
Oh, welcome to Bulge-aria.
Yeah, the Brothers Bay, hockey players all the way.
All the way. Droppin' mitts and suckin' tits.
-Titty validity. -Titty stupidity.
-Home this weekend, buddy. -Home this weekend, bro.
Gotta do something epic.
How are we going to top All Bay, All Night from last year?
Fuck! That drew more box than an architect.
They'll come up with something.
Where there's a will there's a Bay.
Europe! Europe!
Bay Brothers. Egotistical egotesticles.
Stewart! They're your family.
-Questionable. -Undeniable.
Unverifiable.
Stewart, they're your cousins.
There's pictures of you and the Bays
together as kids all over your house.
-My mum's house. -Well, you still live there.
Roald...
Stewart...it is verifiable.
This is not a Bay Pride parade.
Those Baystards never wanted to hang out with me anyway.
I'm nauseated by their hokey hockey hickey shit.
I do not want to spend more time down by the Bay.
-Where the watermelons... -Grow up!
Hi. What's your name?
-Zack. -Zack.
-Russell Terrier. -Zack Russell Terrier?
Present.
We're having a Bay-B-Q this weekend,
'cause the Bay brothers Bay are coming home.
James and Hudson. Do you know them?
-We're second cousins. -Oh.
Their uncle Cal married my Aunt Sue.
Oh, which one's a Bay?
Aunt Sue was a Bay before she was a Casa.
So now she's Sue Casa?
Married Calvin Garfield Casa. Goes by Cal Gary.
You might know their kids, Sam and Ella.
Salmonella?
Yeah, Sam and Ella have a half-brother Ty, as well.
Ty Casa.
I said half-brother. His last name's Food.
Ty Food?
Present.
Jesus.
What's your name?
Katy.
Katy what?
Wait...you know my half brother, Ash, right?
-Ash who? -Wednesday.
-Ash Wednesday? -Mm-Hmm, that's him.
Hangs out with the Books.
-The Books? -Art and Mac.
-Art Book and Mac Book? -Yeah.
Know them?
Are you fucking with me?
No!
Zack Russell Terrier and Ty Food ain't fuckin' with you.
What's with the pig?
The brothers Bay are coming home this weekend,
so Saturday we're going to Bay Bash. Big Bay-B-Q.
Oh, yeah? What's it called?
Great Day for Bay.
Nice. Points for Bay Bash as well.
It's too bad, though.
What's too bad?
Well, the Bay Brothers
are coming to the Rez on Saturday for a party.
They're part native all the way.
But, Great Day for Bay.
Yeah but, we already got $1,000 on fireworks.
Thunder Bay. Saturday. Hmm?
Hey, Zack Russell Terrier and Ty Food are going to come.
Maybe you'll come, too.
-Hey. -That's barley.
-Okay. -How are you now?
You should stand down on Great Day for Bay.
What?
The Bay Brothers are coming to the Rez for Thunder Bay.
They're part native all the way.
They're full hick all the way.
Plus we already purchased the pig from your people.
Yeah, but do you's even know how to cook it?
Throw it on a spit and rotate.
Don't threaten me with a good time.
Okay.
What about when you insert the thermometer
to check the temperature inside?
-What about it? -I don't know. You tell me.
Here's the scoop. We've already planned the party.
Yeah, but we've already spent $1,000 on fireworks.
I don't want to see that go up in smoke.
-Up? -(SHRUGGING)
-What? -Nothing. Go ahead.
Keeping in mind that you once burnt down the produce stand,
a lot has happened since then.
The Brothers Bay home for hay is the perfect opportunity
for all of us to come together and show them we're proud.
So, we would like to invite you and your friends here
for Great Day for Bay.
Or you can move your party to the Rez for Thunder Bay.
'Cause the Bay Brothers are part native...all the way.
They're full hick... All the way.
So...
You trying to sneak a sunrise past a rooster, Tanis?
I don't know. You're the one whose stuck between a cock and hard place.
You a breast or thigh guy?
-They're full hick. -Correct.
And only part native.
(SHRUGGING) Splittin' hairs, but yeah.
-So we host. -Fair.
But the name...
-Great Day for... -Uh...
-What? -What?
-Nothing. You go. -How's this?
Great Day for Thunder Bay.
Great Day for Thunder Bay!
Puppers, pigs and pyrotechnics.
Puppers, pigs, pyrotechnics and pepperettes.
Perfect.
-See you there, Wayne or shine. -Good enough.
There'll be fireworks, just like old times.
It's been a business doing pleasure with you, Tanis.
So, what about that elusive girl of yours?
She gonna show her face for once?
None of your beeswax.
-People are talkin' you know. -None of their beeswax.
Doesn't bother you?
Mind your beeswax, Tanis.
Hmm . Later, boo.
We tried to come up with our own party
for the Bay Brothers, but...
You's are welcome to come to our party.
Wanna know what? The Brothers Bay home for hay
is a chance for all of us
to come together and show 'em we're proud.
Yeah. We know. It was just...
Just that everyone keeps
coming up with cool names for their Bay parties
and all we could come up with was Bay There Delilah.
Bay Jude was a runner up.
And honorable mention, Independence Bay.
Yeah,
Bay the Earth Stood Still was also a contender.
Shout out to Glory Bays.
But, credit where credit's due...
Great Day for Bay cannot be beaten.
So, we'd love to come to your Bay-B-Q.
We just told you that you're invited.
Fuck, we just fuckin' said!
You know what, the Brothers Bay home for hay
is a chance for all of us
to come together and show 'em we're proud.
Nice.
We're invited.
-Sick, boys. -Sick.
How can we help?
Well, I haven't heard form the Brothers Bay all day
so safe to say they're behind on hay.
You should head on over.
-Lend us a hand. -Done.
Just like liftin' hockey bags, right boys?
On par.
Lift with your legs not your back, right boys?
Why don't you try both
and see which one works out betters for ya?
You'll wanna throw on some pants
or else you carve your legs all up.
Bring some fuckin' Puppers too.
Pitter patter.
-Not gonna do the pants, man. -Yeah. Go get beer though.
(CAR ENGINE STARTING)
Yes, Stewart you can come to Great Day for Bay.
-Bay-arf. -Pardon?
Great day for barf.
So I take it you won't be coming here then.
Oh, we'll be there.
To laugh at what losers they are.
(LAUGHING)
Bring some fuckin' Puppers.
Yeah...
Okay, cool. Bye.
They never wanted to hang out with me anyway.
Time to make those idiots Bay.
What does that mean?
The expression is, "make them pay".
I replaced their last name to be clever.
Oh. Oh yeah, I know. That's super...super clever.
You try!
Okay. Uh, go ahead, make my Bay!
Satisfactory.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
What's up?
How're you now?
Smokin' darts and breakin' hearts.
-You bring the fireworks? -That was the deal wasn't it?
-Can confirm. -She here?
Have a fuckin' Puppers.
Hey. You wanna see the pig?
Solid opening.
I checked and it's my cousin Ed who knows you.
-Oh, Ed who? -Ed Monton.
Yeah. Yeah. He's friends with my buddy Mike.
-Which Mike? -Check.
For sure.
Ed Monton was Mike Check's best man at his wedding.
Told you they weren't fuckin' with you.
Fuckin' babes, eh?
Great Day for Thunder Bay, eh boys?
Judging by your arms,
doesn't like it was that good of a day.
Super great day for Thunder Bay, boys.
Got an inside look at hick life.
Feels pretty good to do some hard labor.
-Beats the fuckin' gym. -Yeah, gym fuckin' sucks, boys.
Well, next time you'll know to wear long sleeves and pants.
Where's the Bays?
Well, according to their parents...
-George Ian? -Fanny's?
George Ian Bay and Fanny Bay
said Hudson and James Bay went into town for a meeting.
A meeting?
Well, according to George Ian Bay.
Fanny Bay said she couldn't
get a hold of James or Hudson Bay all afternoon.
You know what, buddy?
I haven't been able to get a hold of Big City Slams
all afternoon either, buddy.
Hey, you boys seen those two gym babes?
You know, the two babes from the gym.
Are they here?
Don't think so boys.
Couldn't get a hold of those babes all afternoon.
CROWD: It's them. It's them.
(CROWD CHEERING)
Well, Great Day for Thunder Bay, fellows.
(CHEERING)
-Welcome home. -Thanks Wayne.
Brothers Bay home for hay is a chance for us
to show you guys how proud we are of you.
Thanks Katy.
You guys made it all the way to Europe.
Welcome home, Hudson. Got to tell us all about Europe.
Welcome home, James. Got to tell us all about Europe.
We will. We will.
In keeping with tradition as promised, Puppers and pig.
And pyrotechnics this year, too.
Welcome home, pussies.
-Thanks, Tanis. -Thanks, Tanis.
But say, what were you guys doin' all day?
BOTH: We had a meeting.
Meeting? Let's call a bay of pigs.
There's that gym babe.
There's that other gym babe.
More like Guantanamo Bay.
'Cause I didn't know whether we were gonna get out alive.
Hey, it's Big City Slams.
Felt like I was on Bays of Our Lives
'cause there were so many storylines
going on all at once.
Big City Slams 2, boys.
I don't even know what Bay it is.
ALL: Angie.
Never thought I'd be into Bay sex.
Thanks for the Bay City Roll, boys.
I'll be your Bay-once any day.
Well...
LOL.
(EVERYBODY LAUGHING)
Is Stewart here?
-Hudson? -Stewart.
-James. -Stewart.
Can we finally hang out?
Hang out?
Let's have a fuckin' Puppers.
I'd love a fucking Puppers.
I just always figured you didn't want to.
You know, the whole hicks versus skids thing.
They're hockey players all the way, boys.
Part native all the way, too, boys
-We're family. -All the way.
You guys do rips?
BOTH: Hard no.
-But do you rip Chel? -'Cause we will rip Chel...
-Oh, Stewart. -Goddamn right I rip Chel.
-You guys got rips? -We got rips.
They'll do rips.
-No rips. -But we'll rip Chel, boys.
Are you boys talking about what I think you're talking about?
-What if we are? -I'm calling the cops.
ALL: No...
Just kidding. Do some rips.
We're gonna need more rips.
-I got rips. -Then it's on. Chel.
You god damn right, it's on.
-Chel. -In rips.
-Chel. -In rips!
(ALL CHANTING) Chel. In rips!
(CHEERING)
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
Hats off to Tanis, boys.
She's certainly a great day for Thunder Bay.
Tanis has out done's herself.
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