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You're having a conversation about your pal's second cousin the other day...
- Who, Jarret? - No, Garrets.
He's a good guy.
He took me to the movies in grade six,
and he wouldn't hold my hand.
A young man's hands can get sweaty
in that sort of situation.
Then put your arm around me, what's the problem?
Anywho, Garrett's movings down to Los Angeles
to try to be an actors.
He's winning for the weather alone.
Negative. It shouldn't be warm all the time.
Four seasons helps keep a man regular.
Like a bowl of brans in the morning.
Huh.
Garrett's moving down to LA to be an actor.
Isn't that something you just kind of are?
It's not as if a librarian
can just call themselves a librarian without collecting a paycheck.
They got to work.
That's correct, Ms. Katys.
So Garretts is moving down to Los Angeles
to try to earn a livings as an actor.
Can you do that? Do whats?
Well, earn a living as an actor.
That's a thing? Sure it is.
So, you can earn a living as an actor, you say?
Yeah. How do you think Brad Pitt bought all those paintings
and became so passionates about architecture?
I would smash that dude with a category five hurricane off the coast.
Huh, Garrett's going to LA to make a living as an actor?
What a time to be alive.
LA people should shut the fuck up. They eat tacos.
What's this? What, you've never met one before?
That's all they fuckin' talk about.
"Hey, you like tacos? Let's get some tacos.
"You know who's got great tacos?
"Well, these guys have the best tacos.
"You like tacos, right?
"Tacos, tacos, tacos. Venice Beach tacos."
It's fuckin' fish steak or carnitas wrapped in tortitas.
How good can it fucking be?
He's right. There!
LA people should shut the fuck up about hiking, too.
What's this?
What, you never met one of them before?
It's all they fuckin' talk about.
"Have you ever been on this hike before?
"This is the best hike I've ever been on before.
"Hiking, hiking, hiking.
"Runyon Canyon. Hiking, hiking, hiking."
Just an asshole's word for "walking."
I wasn't born yesterday.
It's all tacos and hikes, hikes and tacos.
Why don't you have a hike while you have a taco, you fuckin' asshole?
But how are youse to know that hikings and tacos aren't better in LA?
They are. BOTH: Aren't they?
Everything's better in LA.
Says who? People in LA.
Yeah, didn't you never not notice
that people from up here go down to LA,
and then they come back up here calling it, "LA"?
Is that what they do?
LA.
Thank you. LA.
And everything's better in "LA"?
What, you never met one of them before? That's all they talk about.
What, you've never even been to LA?
You have to come to LA, you'll love LA.
LA, LA. Toyota Hybrid fucking cars. LA.
Oh, yeah, you think you know tacos, eh?
I'm gonna tell you, you're some kind of fucking asshole
if you think you know tacos, you never had a taco in "LA."
Think you know hiking?
You've never seen a hike until you've had a hike in "LA."
Ugh, I hate the weather up here. It's so much warmer in LA.
Oh, yeah, didn't you not know it gets just as cold in "LA"?
It's just different kind of cold in "LA."
It's a desert, you know?
Pull your finger out of your ass.
That's exactly what I says, "Pull your finger out of your ass."
Now, hold your horses here.
Who's do youse knows that's ever beens to LA?
What's this about LA?
Whose crib is it anyways?
I dealt, my crib.
I loves cribbage.
Run of three, that's it for me.
Run of four, I'm out the door.
Uh, fifteen-two, double run of eight for ten,
and jack of suits for elevens,
which is a pretty hard numbers to rhymes with.
Ooh!
What's we getting all dressed up for, Mr. Saturday Nights?
Are you sure you're not trying too hard,
with that button done up there?
Now, youse know Tanis and I are giving it the ol' college try.
You know, I get ending things with Rosie
because you have feelings for another woman...
She reads too much. She up to something.
And I back that. Thank you, Katy.
But...
Don't you think Tanis is a little
rough around the edges?
How do you mean?
Isn't her, uh, soil a bit rocky?
Isn't her grain a little bits rough for the lathe?
Well,
only one way to find out, super chieftains.
So many off-season reps, buddy.
So many preseason reps, buddy.
Say no to the juice.
Ain't fucking baseball, buddy.
We dug deep. Beared down.
Time to show the boys some gains.
Coach's gonna flip when he sees these gains.
Gain Gretzky. Gain "The Rock" Johnson.
Shania Gain. Gains, Trains and Automobiles.
Let's show these boys that legends walk amongst them.
Hashtag, legend-life.
You guys wanna go back out and try that again?
Maybe it's the lighting in here, but I'm not seeing any gains.
But...
Doesn't matter. Team folded.
Why?
There's not enough bodies. Why?
'Cause it's Senior A whale-shit hockey!
The way I see it, you got three options.
Option number A,
you can go to the next town and play for them.
Travel for whale shit?
Gains for whale shit was even a stretch.
You didn't get gains.
Traveling for whale shit, that's a stretch too far.
Option number B, hang 'em up.
Well, there's good rubber left in these wheels, though, boys.
Let's do power skating, bro. Oh, good call, bro.
And option number C,
join a championship team right here in Letterkenny...
Hmm.
As coaches...
with me.
Oh.
Team's already won back-to-back ships.
We've actually never won a ship, buddy.
On track to win back-to-back-to-back boats.
Love to win a boat, buddy. Yeah, buddy.
Then come on,
let's win a fuckin' sea liner.
Let's win a Great Lakes freighter.
Let's win a cable ferry.
Let's win a cabin cruiser.
Let's win a Boston whaler.
Let's win a recreational trawler.
Let's win a paddle steamer!
Let's win a pleasure barge.
Let's win an outrigger.
Let's win a freshwater vessel!
Let's win a naval drifter.
Let's win a water Rambo!
Let's win a landing craft!
Let's win a saltwater lugger!
Let's win a sea tugger!
Let's win a luxury-fuckin'-yacht!
Let's go!
Yeah!
Wait!
You're gonna need an ice-breaker.
Tanis, how are you now?
What?
What... What?
The actual fuck was that?
What? Well, you're standing,
breathing, and smoking, so the other thing,
The spitting?
Some barefaced, uncultivated version of it, yes.
What, you never seen someone spit before?
Yes, an inexcusably obese man in the batter's box
at a Blue Jays game.
But you never seen a girl spit before.
Yes, a six-year-old, after consuming an insect in her ice-cream cone.
But you don't think girls should spit.
I don't say what girls should do.
But you don't like it when girls spit.
Preferably not within my line of sight, earshot,
and in a perfect world, ever.
You hungry? Am I hungry?
Yeah, that's what I said.
I'm immediately concerned that sensation may never reestablish itself,
but what a ride it's been.
Oh, don't be so dramatic. What is this, the 1950s?
You want me to go borrow an ankle-length skirt from my auntie?
Come on. I cooked for you.
Let's go.
Come on.
He was supposed to be here over an hour ago. Try him again.
Stewart, I just tried him.
And? Straight to voicemail.
Aggravating. Stewart!
Agitating. Stewart!
Alarming. Stewart.
Roald.
I think...
I may have a problem.
No. No!
I'm in over my head! We all want it.
I have no control! We all need it!
Then where is it?
Right here.
Get it out! Give it to me.
I've got it! It's all right here.
But you guys got meth, right?
Yes. Yes, yes, yes.
The drugs are all over there.
Just bring me that computer and get us to the Dark Web.
First the meth, then the Dark Web.
Roald. You want some, too?
I'm good.
Bring me the Dark Web over to my stand-up desk.
Why do you have a stand-up desk?
Because sitting is quietly murdering you.
Actually, yes, Roald, I... I will have some meth.
And here we are.
The Dark Web.
Why do you guys crave the Dark Web so much?
Because the Dark Web is exclusive.
The Dark Web is only accessible using special software,
users remain untraceable
and anonymous on the Dark Web.
You can hire a hitman on the Dark Web.
Purchase illegal contraband on the Dark Web.
Sell illegal contraband on the Dark Web.
Or you could join a rebel army.
Or you could build a bomb for your own rebel army on the Dark Web.
The thrill of having all of that at your fingertips is so... metal!
What's on the menu today, chef?
I left a tab open for you guys.
Something I thought you'd dig.
It's funny, the way you last liked that, like the Dark Web site was food.
'Cause...
"How to cook human meat!"
Oh, fuck!
These Hard Right mutts again.
I don't like these mutts.
We could ignore the call. Oh, Stewart!
Let's ignore the call.
But how are we gonna find cool new things to do on the Dark Web,
unless we make cool new pals on the Dark Web.
Fine,
anything to keep the Dark Web sustainable.
But we should sit for this.
What are you doing?
What?
Well, you're sitting, breathing, and taking your boots off,
so, the other thing.
To borrow a phrase from my stance on social media,
I don't follow.
Crossing your legs.
Yeah, for a hot second, to take my boots off.
Boots or no boots, don't you think it's a little fruity loops
for a man to be sitting like that?
On the contrary,
I'm sitting like this because the less bending over a man does, the better.
Hmm.
Sounds homophobic to me.
Sounds chiropractic to me.
Hmm. Just checking.
I swing both ways, you know?
So, if you ever wanted to invite a girl over...
Or a guy...
Are we gonna have a problem here, Tanis?
Let's just stop talking. Food's ready. Come, eat.
What's on the Dark Web menu today, gentlemen?
Funny you put it like that 'cause...
We were about to enjoy some Dark Web literature
about how to cook human meat until...
Our friend called.
Hmm. 13% of human beings are cannibals, huh?
13% sounds right.
Wrong! That's what they want you to think.
The truth, 100% of human beings are cannibals.
The... The ones on Earth, anyway.
How do you know that?
How do I know that?
Ha! Well, let's rewind the clock.
1840, Ireland,
the potato famine forces
thousands of those godless, heathen bogtrotters
to migrate to North America.
No potatoes, you say!
Well, then what did those paddy-mick prods eat on the fuckin' boat over here?
Fast-forward, 1955, Des Plaines, Illinois,
McDonald's restaurants opened their first location.
Not a single cow was photographed that day,
and yet they're serving burgers? Got you.
Now McDonald's openly...
Openly boasts over 999 billion served.
Fast-forward, 2016, Donald Trump is elected to office,
inherits the highest percentage per capita of cannibals in the world.
The left-wing, fake news, pinko media
wants you to think that he spent
16 of his first 100 days in office golfing.
Wrong. Wrong!
Donald J. Trump spent 16 of his first 100 days,
as President of the United States,
Commander-in-Chief,
leader of the goddamned free world,
getting that per capita percentage of cannibals
down from 100 to... Everett?
Uh... 13%?
That's right. Do the math.
No, no, actually do... Actually do the math.
Do the meth?
We did the meth.
Listen, uh, friend.
We've been listening to you ramble for an hour.
We only joined the Dark Web to see cool new things,
and join cool new movements.
And make cool new pals.
Cool new pals, you say?
Yes. No.
Stewart.
I know how you can make all the coolest new pals ever.
Spare us the hyperbole.
How?
Join the Hard Right!
I said that like that was leading into another monologue,
but it's really just... Join the Hard Right.
But...
Do you like our flag? Oh, you probably...
Couldn't... Do you like it?
I... I designed it.
Mmm.
Eat up. You're gonna need fuel for later.
What... What?
The actual fuck was that now?
What now?
Well, you're sitting, eating, and breathing,
so, the other thing.
Burping? Yes.
Some primitive, distressing version of it
That was nothing. Terrific.
You can burp, too. Outstanding.
You can fucking fart, if you want.
You know why? Because it's normal.
But is it fashionable?
It's becoming...
It's unbecoming.
Well, your boyfriend Daryl burps and spits.
Dary also chases ducks,
draws on the walls,
and must be told not to taste or touch
everything he sees.
That's true.
So, is it because I'm a lady?
Who's a lady?
So, what, you're saying that girls shouldn't burp, too?
I don't say what girls should do.
Well, men shouldn't shackle women.
We made Prohibition happen, watch your step.
Already walkin' on eggshells.
Done your food?
That ship's clear across the pond.
Same. Let's go make a fire
'cause it's a beautiful fucking day.
Is that what it is? What?
Hmm?
Okay, pheasants.
We got back-to-back-to-back
Coast Guard Zodiacs at our fingertips.
But full disclosure,
this team's got a bit of an attitude problem, all right?
Little battle of leadership going on in here.
All right? Sure, they got their center console skiffs,
but they went through a lot of coaches in the process.
Mundane details, boys.
We want a twin engine jet boat.
We want that cruise ship.
That's the attitude, pylons. Now get in there.
All right.
What the...
What are you two doing?
Sorry, boys... Ladies.
We didn't know you were ladies, boys.
Um... Not ladyboys. We didn't know you were ladies.
Do you think the door is open to everyone here?
Just because Mary-Anne looks like she's homeless,
doesn't mean you can treat it like a shelter.
Fuck you, Betty-Anne.
But she's right.
Door isn't open to everybody here.
Just because her mitt looks like the back of Christ's head,
doesn't mean you can treat it like a church.
Fuck you, Mary-Anne.
Your mitt looks like Babe Ruth's ball glove from the dirty '30s
if 20 more dudes spat chewing tobacco in it.
Your mitt's actually a work of art, Betty-Anne.
Like Salvador Dali's melting clocks,
but instead of melting clocks, it's melting salad bowls
of off-pink ice-cream.
Hmm. I love ice-cream, Mary-Anne.
I love all frozen treats.
Your mitt looks like I squeezed a cherry-red popsicle with a handful of dryer lint.
Meet your new team, pheasants.
You serious with that turtleneck?
You could lose a lot of heat in the neck,
as I like to say.
Are you cold?
I wouldn't say I'm hot, but...
Ugh. Most men I know wouldn't complain about something like that.
You see the elephant?
You mean next to the bus crash?
That's the one. Yeah, I see it.
You wanna talk about it?
Let's talk about it.
A woman can be what she wants.
That is so nice of you to allow that.
Not what I meant. I'm kidding.
A woman should be what she wants.
Better.
There's no definition of a woman.
It's the same as a man, there's no definition...
No need to womansplain, I'm aware.
But a woman should be with a man she finds desirable.
And vice versa.
Like, long-term, like in a relationship.
Can confirm.
I don't think you're it, cowboy.
Oh, you think? I know.
Good enough. Good stuff.
Uh, short-term...
On the other hand...
How short?
A night. A night?
An hour?
Maybe more than an hour.
A night. A night.
Maybe even a morning.
'Cause we didn't do all the things I wanted to do.
Well, we talked, we ate... It was good, right?
Thank you for supper. My pleasure.
We talked, we ate,
we sat by the fire.
So, then the other thing.
Good enough. Good stuff.
Just kidding!
Fifteen-two, the rest won't do.
Fifteen-four, the rest don't score.
Runs of threes, that's it's for me's.
Youse been playing all fuckin' night?
How'd it go, big brother?
Do you wanna know what? Aside from the end there,
so fuckin' poorly.
Called it. How poorly?
So poor.
He said, so fuckin' poor.
Talking about ultra-poor.
Called it. What did I miss?
Taco night.
But not just any taco night.
LA taco night.
Oh, there's no taco night like an "LA" taco night.
Oh, yeah. You've never had taco night
unless you've had an "LA" taco night.
Oh, yeah. Well, if it's taco night in "LA,"
then you must have had a hike. Did youse have a hike?
Oh, yeah.
You can't have taco night in "LA" without havin' a hike.
Oh, yeah. We had an LA hike,
but it was so cold, it gets so cold in LA.
Oh, yeah. It's a deserts, don't you know?
Oh, yeah. It gets just as cold in "LA."
It's just a different kind of cold in "LA."
Pull your finger out of your ass.
That's what I say, I said pull your finger out of your ass,
you're from "LA."
Oh, yeah. You've got to take La Cienega to La Tijera
if you're going to LAX in "LA."
Oh, yeah. I will have another cold-pressed juice
'cause we're in LA.
Oh, yeah. I'm just poppin' down to Trader Joe's
to load up on kombuchas in "LA."
Oh, yeah. You can stick your Hybrid Toyotas straight up your ass,
it's all about Teslas now in "LA."
Oh, yeah. It's like you could never usually get a pizza
that was that good in "LA" until now.
Oh, yeah. We're gonna have a winter brunch
outside on Melrose.
'Cause you can do that in LA.
Oh, yeah. I'm taking improv classes at the UCBs,
but only until the groundlings figure it out in "LA."
Oh, yeah.
You better get joining in a burlesque troupe if you're going to "LA."
"LA."
"LA." "LA."
"LA"? "LA."
"LA."
"LA." "LA."
"LA."
Pull your finger out of your ass.
That's what I say, I said pull your finger out of your ass.
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