1 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074 Watch Movies, TV Series and Live Sports Signup Here -> WWW.ADMITME.APP 2 00:00:14,882 --> 00:00:18,683 You're having a conversation about your pal's second cousin the other day... 3 00:00:19,186 --> 00:00:20,711 - Who, Jarret? - No, Garrets. 4 00:00:20,821 --> 00:00:21,821 He's a good guy. 5 00:00:21,955 --> 00:00:23,435 He took me to the movies in grade six, 6 00:00:23,490 --> 00:00:24,534 and he wouldn't hold my hand. 7 00:00:24,558 --> 00:00:25,878 A young man's hands can get sweaty 8 00:00:25,959 --> 00:00:27,052 in that sort of situation. 9 00:00:27,427 --> 00:00:29,362 Then put your arm around me, what's the problem? 10 00:00:29,496 --> 00:00:32,159 Anywho, Garrett's movings down to Los Angeles 11 00:00:32,232 --> 00:00:33,256 to try to be an actors. 12 00:00:33,600 --> 00:00:34,960 He's winning for the weather alone. 13 00:00:35,135 --> 00:00:37,127 Negative. It shouldn't be warm all the time. 14 00:00:37,204 --> 00:00:38,866 Four seasons helps keep a man regular. 15 00:00:38,972 --> 00:00:40,497 Like a bowl of brans in the morning. 16 00:00:41,441 --> 00:00:42,441 Huh. 17 00:00:42,976 --> 00:00:46,208 Garrett's moving down to LA to be an actor. 18 00:00:47,147 --> 00:00:48,787 Isn't that something you just kind of are? 19 00:00:48,882 --> 00:00:50,077 It's not as if a librarian 20 00:00:50,183 --> 00:00:53,085 can just call themselves a librarian without collecting a paycheck. 21 00:00:53,186 --> 00:00:54,186 They got to work. 22 00:00:54,388 --> 00:00:55,879 That's correct, Ms. Katys. 23 00:00:56,089 --> 00:00:57,819 So Garretts is moving down to Los Angeles 24 00:00:57,891 --> 00:01:00,087 to try to earn a livings as an actor. 25 00:01:00,260 --> 00:01:01,853 Can you do that? Do whats? 26 00:01:02,829 --> 00:01:04,354 Well, earn a living as an actor. 27 00:01:04,431 --> 00:01:06,297 That's a thing? Sure it is. 28 00:01:07,200 --> 00:01:09,601 So, you can earn a living as an actor, you say? 29 00:01:09,703 --> 00:01:12,015 Yeah. How do you think Brad Pitt bought all those paintings 30 00:01:12,039 --> 00:01:13,905 and became so passionates about architecture? 31 00:01:14,007 --> 00:01:17,273 I would smash that dude with a category five hurricane off the coast. 32 00:01:17,544 --> 00:01:20,104 Huh, Garrett's going to LA to make a living as an actor? 33 00:01:20,380 --> 00:01:21,643 What a time to be alive. 34 00:01:23,884 --> 00:01:26,183 LA people should shut the fuck up. They eat tacos. 35 00:01:26,253 --> 00:01:28,313 What's this? What, you've never met one before? 36 00:01:28,422 --> 00:01:29,732 That's all they fuckin' talk about. 37 00:01:29,756 --> 00:01:31,434 "Hey, you like tacos? Let's get some tacos. 38 00:01:31,458 --> 00:01:32,569 "You know who's got great tacos? 39 00:01:32,593 --> 00:01:33,937 "Well, these guys have the best tacos. 40 00:01:33,961 --> 00:01:35,054 "You like tacos, right? 41 00:01:35,128 --> 00:01:37,597 "Tacos, tacos, tacos. Venice Beach tacos." 42 00:01:37,664 --> 00:01:40,065 It's fuckin' fish steak or carnitas wrapped in tortitas. 43 00:01:40,133 --> 00:01:41,260 How good can it fucking be? 44 00:01:41,435 --> 00:01:42,801 He's right. There! 45 00:01:42,970 --> 00:01:44,881 LA people should shut the fuck up about hiking, too. 46 00:01:44,905 --> 00:01:45,964 What's this? 47 00:01:46,073 --> 00:01:47,317 What, you never met one of them before? 48 00:01:47,341 --> 00:01:48,621 It's all they fuckin' talk about. 49 00:01:48,809 --> 00:01:49,953 "Have you ever been on this hike before? 50 00:01:49,977 --> 00:01:51,454 "This is the best hike I've ever been on before. 51 00:01:51,478 --> 00:01:52,478 "Hiking, hiking, hiking. 52 00:01:52,579 --> 00:01:54,139 "Runyon Canyon. Hiking, hiking, hiking." 53 00:01:54,214 --> 00:01:55,682 Just an asshole's word for "walking." 54 00:01:55,782 --> 00:01:56,806 I wasn't born yesterday. 55 00:01:56,917 --> 00:01:58,579 It's all tacos and hikes, hikes and tacos. 56 00:01:58,652 --> 00:02:00,797 Why don't you have a hike while you have a taco, you fuckin' asshole? 57 00:02:00,821 --> 00:02:03,541 But how are youse to know that hikings and tacos aren't better in LA? 58 00:02:03,590 --> 00:02:05,320 They are. BOTH: Aren't they? 59 00:02:05,425 --> 00:02:07,087 Everything's better in LA. 60 00:02:07,327 --> 00:02:09,125 Says who? People in LA. 61 00:02:09,529 --> 00:02:10,607 Yeah, didn't you never not notice 62 00:02:10,631 --> 00:02:12,463 that people from up here go down to LA, 63 00:02:12,532 --> 00:02:14,933 and then they come back up here calling it, "LA"? 64 00:02:15,235 --> 00:02:16,235 Is that what they do? 65 00:02:16,336 --> 00:02:17,463 LA. 66 00:02:17,671 --> 00:02:19,640 Thank you. LA. 67 00:02:19,906 --> 00:02:22,068 And everything's better in "LA"? 68 00:02:22,175 --> 00:02:24,815 What, you never met one of them before? That's all they talk about. 69 00:02:25,245 --> 00:02:26,975 What, you've never even been to LA? 70 00:02:27,080 --> 00:02:29,549 You have to come to LA, you'll love LA. 71 00:02:29,650 --> 00:02:32,677 LA, LA. Toyota Hybrid fucking cars. LA. 72 00:02:32,919 --> 00:02:34,530 Oh, yeah, you think you know tacos, eh? 73 00:02:34,554 --> 00:02:36,099 I'm gonna tell you, you're some kind of fucking asshole 74 00:02:36,123 --> 00:02:38,718 if you think you know tacos, you never had a taco in "LA." 75 00:02:38,959 --> 00:02:40,136 Think you know hiking? 76 00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:43,096 You've never seen a hike until you've had a hike in "LA." 77 00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:46,895 Ugh, I hate the weather up here. It's so much warmer in LA. 78 00:02:47,034 --> 00:02:49,833 Oh, yeah, didn't you not know it gets just as cold in "LA"? 79 00:02:49,970 --> 00:02:51,632 It's just different kind of cold in "LA." 80 00:02:51,705 --> 00:02:52,815 It's a desert, you know? 81 00:02:52,839 --> 00:02:53,883 Pull your finger out of your ass. 82 00:02:53,907 --> 00:02:55,818 That's exactly what I says, "Pull your finger out of your ass." 83 00:02:55,842 --> 00:02:58,141 Now, hold your horses here. 84 00:02:59,012 --> 00:03:01,572 Who's do youse knows that's ever beens to LA? 85 00:03:05,385 --> 00:03:06,512 What's this about LA? 86 00:03:17,731 --> 00:03:18,994 Whose crib is it anyways? 87 00:03:19,166 --> 00:03:20,190 I dealt, my crib. 88 00:03:20,300 --> 00:03:21,393 I loves cribbage. 89 00:03:21,501 --> 00:03:23,026 Run of three, that's it for me. 90 00:03:24,771 --> 00:03:26,740 Run of four, I'm out the door. 91 00:03:27,007 --> 00:03:29,567 Uh, fifteen-two, double run of eight for ten, 92 00:03:29,676 --> 00:03:31,201 and jack of suits for elevens, 93 00:03:31,311 --> 00:03:33,111 which is a pretty hard numbers to rhymes with. 94 00:03:38,185 --> 00:03:39,346 Ooh! 95 00:03:39,586 --> 00:03:42,181 What's we getting all dressed up for, Mr. Saturday Nights? 96 00:03:42,255 --> 00:03:43,332 Are you sure you're not trying too hard, 97 00:03:43,356 --> 00:03:44,596 with that button done up there? 98 00:03:45,058 --> 00:03:47,892 Now, youse know Tanis and I are giving it the ol' college try. 99 00:03:48,095 --> 00:03:49,859 You know, I get ending things with Rosie 100 00:03:49,930 --> 00:03:51,674 because you have feelings for another woman... 101 00:03:51,698 --> 00:03:53,242 She reads too much. She up to something. 102 00:03:53,266 --> 00:03:55,167 And I back that. Thank you, Katy. 103 00:03:55,335 --> 00:03:56,335 But... 104 00:03:57,370 --> 00:03:59,703 Don't you think Tanis is a little 105 00:03:59,773 --> 00:04:00,866 rough around the edges? 106 00:04:01,108 --> 00:04:02,201 How do you mean? 107 00:04:02,275 --> 00:04:04,642 Isn't her, uh, soil a bit rocky? 108 00:04:05,045 --> 00:04:07,173 Isn't her grain a little bits rough for the lathe? 109 00:04:07,380 --> 00:04:08,380 Well, 110 00:04:08,715 --> 00:04:10,877 only one way to find out, super chieftains. 111 00:04:17,124 --> 00:04:18,752 So many off-season reps, buddy. 112 00:04:18,825 --> 00:04:20,123 So many preseason reps, buddy. 113 00:04:20,227 --> 00:04:21,227 Say no to the juice. 114 00:04:21,294 --> 00:04:22,438 Ain't fucking baseball, buddy. 115 00:04:22,462 --> 00:04:23,828 We dug deep. Beared down. 116 00:04:23,930 --> 00:04:25,074 Time to show the boys some gains. 117 00:04:25,098 --> 00:04:27,090 Coach's gonna flip when he sees these gains. 118 00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:28,828 Gain Gretzky. Gain "The Rock" Johnson. 119 00:04:28,935 --> 00:04:31,302 Shania Gain. Gains, Trains and Automobiles. 120 00:04:31,404 --> 00:04:34,067 Let's show these boys that legends walk amongst them. 121 00:04:34,141 --> 00:04:35,404 Hashtag, legend-life. 122 00:04:42,682 --> 00:04:44,482 You guys wanna go back out and try that again? 123 00:04:44,751 --> 00:04:47,448 Maybe it's the lighting in here, but I'm not seeing any gains. 124 00:04:47,554 --> 00:04:48,554 But... 125 00:04:48,989 --> 00:04:50,389 Doesn't matter. Team folded. 126 00:04:50,490 --> 00:04:51,490 Why? 127 00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:53,821 There's not enough bodies. Why? 128 00:04:53,994 --> 00:04:56,691 'Cause it's Senior A whale-shit hockey! 129 00:04:58,698 --> 00:05:00,633 The way I see it, you got three options. 130 00:05:00,700 --> 00:05:01,827 Option number A, 131 00:05:01,935 --> 00:05:03,679 you can go to the next town and play for them. 132 00:05:03,703 --> 00:05:06,036 Travel for whale shit? 133 00:05:06,473 --> 00:05:08,305 Gains for whale shit was even a stretch. 134 00:05:08,408 --> 00:05:09,876 You didn't get gains. 135 00:05:10,243 --> 00:05:12,337 Traveling for whale shit, that's a stretch too far. 136 00:05:12,712 --> 00:05:14,613 Option number B, hang 'em up. 137 00:05:15,282 --> 00:05:17,160 Well, there's good rubber left in these wheels, though, boys. 138 00:05:17,184 --> 00:05:19,064 Let's do power skating, bro. Oh, good call, bro. 139 00:05:19,252 --> 00:05:20,618 And option number C, 140 00:05:21,121 --> 00:05:23,613 join a championship team right here in Letterkenny... 141 00:05:24,491 --> 00:05:25,491 Hmm. 142 00:05:25,592 --> 00:05:26,592 As coaches... 143 00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:28,628 with me. 144 00:05:28,862 --> 00:05:29,862 Oh. 145 00:05:30,297 --> 00:05:32,061 Team's already won back-to-back ships. 146 00:05:34,534 --> 00:05:36,054 We've actually never won a ship, buddy. 147 00:05:36,136 --> 00:05:40,164 On track to win back-to-back-to-back boats. 148 00:05:40,473 --> 00:05:42,305 Love to win a boat, buddy. Yeah, buddy. 149 00:05:42,509 --> 00:05:43,533 Then come on, 150 00:05:43,643 --> 00:05:45,305 let's win a fuckin' sea liner. 151 00:05:45,545 --> 00:05:47,173 Let's win a Great Lakes freighter. 152 00:05:47,247 --> 00:05:48,545 Let's win a cable ferry. 153 00:05:48,682 --> 00:05:49,980 Let's win a cabin cruiser. 154 00:05:50,150 --> 00:05:51,618 Let's win a Boston whaler. 155 00:05:51,685 --> 00:05:52,983 Let's win a recreational trawler. 156 00:05:53,053 --> 00:05:54,988 Let's win a paddle steamer! 157 00:05:55,055 --> 00:05:56,546 Let's win a pleasure barge. 158 00:05:56,656 --> 00:05:57,656 Let's win an outrigger. 159 00:05:57,724 --> 00:05:59,886 Let's win a freshwater vessel! 160 00:05:59,993 --> 00:06:01,655 Let's win a naval drifter. 161 00:06:01,728 --> 00:06:02,889 Let's win a water Rambo! 162 00:06:02,996 --> 00:06:05,329 Let's win a landing craft! 163 00:06:05,398 --> 00:06:07,833 Let's win a saltwater lugger! 164 00:06:07,901 --> 00:06:09,699 Let's win a sea tugger! 165 00:06:09,803 --> 00:06:13,535 Let's win a luxury-fuckin'-yacht! 166 00:06:13,840 --> 00:06:14,899 Let's go! 167 00:06:15,008 --> 00:06:17,876 Yeah! 168 00:06:18,345 --> 00:06:19,369 Wait! 169 00:06:19,679 --> 00:06:21,705 You're gonna need an ice-breaker. 170 00:06:28,955 --> 00:06:30,890 Tanis, how are you now? 171 00:06:32,959 --> 00:06:33,959 What? 172 00:06:34,494 --> 00:06:35,494 What... What? 173 00:06:35,562 --> 00:06:37,724 The actual fuck was that? 174 00:06:37,831 --> 00:06:39,527 What? Well, you're standing, 175 00:06:39,599 --> 00:06:42,194 breathing, and smoking, so the other thing, 176 00:06:43,069 --> 00:06:44,093 The spitting? 177 00:06:44,204 --> 00:06:46,901 Some barefaced, uncultivated version of it, yes. 178 00:06:47,307 --> 00:06:48,885 What, you never seen someone spit before? 179 00:06:48,909 --> 00:06:52,209 Yes, an inexcusably obese man in the batter's box 180 00:06:52,279 --> 00:06:53,303 at a Blue Jays game. 181 00:06:53,513 --> 00:06:54,891 But you never seen a girl spit before. 182 00:06:54,915 --> 00:06:59,410 Yes, a six-year-old, after consuming an insect in her ice-cream cone. 183 00:06:59,519 --> 00:07:01,078 But you don't think girls should spit. 184 00:07:01,154 --> 00:07:02,679 I don't say what girls should do. 185 00:07:02,756 --> 00:07:05,157 But you don't like it when girls spit. 186 00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:08,395 Preferably not within my line of sight, earshot, 187 00:07:08,461 --> 00:07:09,986 and in a perfect world, ever. 188 00:07:15,135 --> 00:07:16,797 You hungry? Am I hungry? 189 00:07:17,070 --> 00:07:18,070 Yeah, that's what I said. 190 00:07:18,171 --> 00:07:21,608 I'm immediately concerned that sensation may never reestablish itself, 191 00:07:21,908 --> 00:07:23,069 but what a ride it's been. 192 00:07:23,243 --> 00:07:25,712 Oh, don't be so dramatic. What is this, the 1950s? 193 00:07:25,779 --> 00:07:28,578 You want me to go borrow an ankle-length skirt from my auntie? 194 00:07:30,583 --> 00:07:31,949 Come on. I cooked for you. 195 00:07:32,018 --> 00:07:33,018 Let's go. 196 00:07:40,193 --> 00:07:41,286 Come on. 197 00:07:42,329 --> 00:07:44,924 He was supposed to be here over an hour ago. Try him again. 198 00:07:44,998 --> 00:07:46,261 Stewart, I just tried him. 199 00:07:46,333 --> 00:07:48,097 And? Straight to voicemail. 200 00:07:48,168 --> 00:07:49,500 Aggravating. Stewart! 201 00:07:49,602 --> 00:07:51,901 Agitating. Stewart! 202 00:07:51,972 --> 00:07:53,167 Alarming. Stewart. 203 00:07:54,341 --> 00:07:55,341 Roald. 204 00:07:55,842 --> 00:07:56,935 I think... 205 00:07:57,644 --> 00:07:58,805 I may have a problem. 206 00:07:58,912 --> 00:07:59,912 No. No! 207 00:07:59,980 --> 00:08:01,471 I'm in over my head! We all want it. 208 00:08:01,648 --> 00:08:03,344 I have no control! We all need it! 209 00:08:03,450 --> 00:08:04,509 Then where is it? 210 00:08:04,617 --> 00:08:05,617 Right here. 211 00:08:07,354 --> 00:08:10,119 Get it out! Give it to me. 212 00:08:10,190 --> 00:08:11,852 I've got it! It's all right here. 213 00:08:13,059 --> 00:08:14,220 But you guys got meth, right? 214 00:08:14,661 --> 00:08:16,220 Yes. Yes, yes, yes. 215 00:08:16,329 --> 00:08:17,922 The drugs are all over there. 216 00:08:17,998 --> 00:08:20,331 Just bring me that computer and get us to the Dark Web. 217 00:08:20,533 --> 00:08:23,093 First the meth, then the Dark Web. 218 00:08:23,536 --> 00:08:25,562 Roald. You want some, too? 219 00:08:25,672 --> 00:08:26,867 I'm good. 220 00:08:28,541 --> 00:08:31,170 Bring me the Dark Web over to my stand-up desk. 221 00:08:33,513 --> 00:08:35,004 Why do you have a stand-up desk? 222 00:08:35,115 --> 00:08:37,209 Because sitting is quietly murdering you. 223 00:08:40,186 --> 00:08:42,178 Actually, yes, Roald, I... I will have some meth. 224 00:08:46,860 --> 00:08:47,987 And here we are. 225 00:08:48,428 --> 00:08:50,158 The Dark Web. 226 00:08:50,230 --> 00:08:51,910 Why do you guys crave the Dark Web so much? 227 00:08:51,965 --> 00:08:53,285 Because the Dark Web is exclusive. 228 00:08:53,366 --> 00:08:56,495 The Dark Web is only accessible using special software, 229 00:08:56,569 --> 00:08:59,038 users remain untraceable 230 00:08:59,139 --> 00:09:00,607 and anonymous on the Dark Web. 231 00:09:00,707 --> 00:09:02,369 You can hire a hitman on the Dark Web. 232 00:09:02,442 --> 00:09:04,240 Purchase illegal contraband on the Dark Web. 233 00:09:04,344 --> 00:09:06,210 Sell illegal contraband on the Dark Web. 234 00:09:06,279 --> 00:09:07,390 Or you could join a rebel army. 235 00:09:07,414 --> 00:09:10,043 Or you could build a bomb for your own rebel army on the Dark Web. 236 00:09:10,150 --> 00:09:14,417 The thrill of having all of that at your fingertips is so... metal! 237 00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:16,887 What's on the menu today, chef? 238 00:09:16,990 --> 00:09:18,891 I left a tab open for you guys. 239 00:09:19,059 --> 00:09:20,259 Something I thought you'd dig. 240 00:09:21,294 --> 00:09:23,873 It's funny, the way you last liked that, like the Dark Web site was food. 241 00:09:23,897 --> 00:09:24,990 'Cause... 242 00:09:25,932 --> 00:09:27,764 "How to cook human meat!" 243 00:09:30,003 --> 00:09:31,003 Oh, fuck! 244 00:09:31,071 --> 00:09:32,231 These Hard Right mutts again. 245 00:09:32,305 --> 00:09:33,534 I don't like these mutts. 246 00:09:33,606 --> 00:09:35,199 We could ignore the call. Oh, Stewart! 247 00:09:35,275 --> 00:09:36,275 Let's ignore the call. 248 00:09:36,376 --> 00:09:38,587 But how are we gonna find cool new things to do on the Dark Web, 249 00:09:38,611 --> 00:09:40,705 unless we make cool new pals on the Dark Web. 250 00:09:40,780 --> 00:09:41,780 Fine, 251 00:09:42,015 --> 00:09:43,950 anything to keep the Dark Web sustainable. 252 00:09:44,951 --> 00:09:46,078 But we should sit for this. 253 00:10:01,401 --> 00:10:02,401 What are you doing? 254 00:10:04,204 --> 00:10:05,204 What? 255 00:10:06,272 --> 00:10:08,217 Well, you're sitting, breathing, and taking your boots off, 256 00:10:08,241 --> 00:10:09,334 so, the other thing. 257 00:10:09,676 --> 00:10:12,407 To borrow a phrase from my stance on social media, 258 00:10:12,979 --> 00:10:13,979 I don't follow. 259 00:10:14,080 --> 00:10:15,080 Crossing your legs. 260 00:10:15,215 --> 00:10:17,275 Yeah, for a hot second, to take my boots off. 261 00:10:17,350 --> 00:10:19,328 Boots or no boots, don't you think it's a little fruity loops 262 00:10:19,352 --> 00:10:20,463 for a man to be sitting like that? 263 00:10:20,487 --> 00:10:21,921 On the contrary, 264 00:10:22,088 --> 00:10:25,684 I'm sitting like this because the less bending over a man does, the better. 265 00:10:25,792 --> 00:10:26,816 Hmm. 266 00:10:26,926 --> 00:10:28,292 Sounds homophobic to me. 267 00:10:28,361 --> 00:10:30,125 Sounds chiropractic to me. 268 00:10:30,296 --> 00:10:32,162 Hmm. Just checking. 269 00:10:32,499 --> 00:10:33,626 I swing both ways, you know? 270 00:10:33,700 --> 00:10:36,067 So, if you ever wanted to invite a girl over... 271 00:10:36,302 --> 00:10:37,326 Or a guy... 272 00:10:39,239 --> 00:10:41,265 Are we gonna have a problem here, Tanis? 273 00:10:43,076 --> 00:10:46,240 Let's just stop talking. Food's ready. Come, eat. 274 00:10:58,191 --> 00:11:01,286 What's on the Dark Web menu today, gentlemen? 275 00:11:01,361 --> 00:11:03,159 Funny you put it like that 'cause... 276 00:11:03,263 --> 00:11:05,994 We were about to enjoy some Dark Web literature 277 00:11:06,099 --> 00:11:08,034 about how to cook human meat until... 278 00:11:09,002 --> 00:11:10,527 Our friend called. 279 00:11:10,803 --> 00:11:14,365 Hmm. 13% of human beings are cannibals, huh? 280 00:11:15,108 --> 00:11:16,474 13% sounds right. 281 00:11:16,543 --> 00:11:18,535 Wrong! That's what they want you to think. 282 00:11:18,645 --> 00:11:22,844 The truth, 100% of human beings are cannibals. 283 00:11:22,916 --> 00:11:24,316 The... The ones on Earth, anyway. 284 00:11:25,685 --> 00:11:27,210 How do you know that? 285 00:11:27,320 --> 00:11:28,549 How do I know that? 286 00:11:28,655 --> 00:11:30,487 Ha! Well, let's rewind the clock. 287 00:11:30,557 --> 00:11:32,389 1840, Ireland, 288 00:11:32,492 --> 00:11:33,983 the potato famine forces 289 00:11:34,060 --> 00:11:37,030 thousands of those godless, heathen bogtrotters 290 00:11:37,130 --> 00:11:38,928 to migrate to North America. 291 00:11:39,032 --> 00:11:42,059 No potatoes, you say! 292 00:11:42,168 --> 00:11:45,502 Well, then what did those paddy-mick prods eat on the fuckin' boat over here? 293 00:11:46,940 --> 00:11:49,671 Fast-forward, 1955, Des Plaines, Illinois, 294 00:11:49,742 --> 00:11:52,473 McDonald's restaurants opened their first location. 295 00:11:52,545 --> 00:11:55,242 Not a single cow was photographed that day, 296 00:11:55,348 --> 00:11:57,783 and yet they're serving burgers? Got you. 297 00:11:57,884 --> 00:11:59,716 Now McDonald's openly... 298 00:12:01,087 --> 00:12:05,252 Openly boasts over 999 billion served. 299 00:12:06,726 --> 00:12:10,322 Fast-forward, 2016, Donald Trump is elected to office, 300 00:12:10,396 --> 00:12:15,892 inherits the highest percentage per capita of cannibals in the world. 301 00:12:16,336 --> 00:12:19,170 The left-wing, fake news, pinko media 302 00:12:19,239 --> 00:12:20,519 wants you to think that he spent 303 00:12:20,573 --> 00:12:23,236 16 of his first 100 days in office golfing. 304 00:12:23,343 --> 00:12:25,278 Wrong. Wrong! 305 00:12:25,511 --> 00:12:28,538 Donald J. Trump spent 16 of his first 100 days, 306 00:12:28,615 --> 00:12:30,447 as President of the United States, 307 00:12:30,550 --> 00:12:31,643 Commander-in-Chief, 308 00:12:31,751 --> 00:12:34,118 leader of the goddamned free world, 309 00:12:34,220 --> 00:12:36,917 getting that per capita percentage of cannibals 310 00:12:36,990 --> 00:12:39,892 down from 100 to... Everett? 311 00:12:40,526 --> 00:12:42,119 Uh... 13%? 312 00:12:42,228 --> 00:12:43,560 That's right. Do the math. 313 00:12:45,565 --> 00:12:47,557 No, no, actually do... Actually do the math. 314 00:12:47,800 --> 00:12:48,824 Do the meth? 315 00:12:49,269 --> 00:12:50,396 We did the meth. 316 00:12:51,838 --> 00:12:55,775 Listen, uh, friend. 317 00:12:56,142 --> 00:12:58,543 We've been listening to you ramble for an hour. 318 00:12:58,778 --> 00:13:01,771 We only joined the Dark Web to see cool new things, 319 00:13:01,848 --> 00:13:03,544 and join cool new movements. 320 00:13:03,616 --> 00:13:04,777 And make cool new pals. 321 00:13:08,254 --> 00:13:09,779 Cool new pals, you say? 322 00:13:10,023 --> 00:13:11,218 Yes. No. 323 00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:12,291 Stewart. 324 00:13:12,392 --> 00:13:14,918 I know how you can make all the coolest new pals ever. 325 00:13:15,028 --> 00:13:16,758 Spare us the hyperbole. 326 00:13:16,829 --> 00:13:17,829 How? 327 00:13:18,031 --> 00:13:19,659 Join the Hard Right! 328 00:13:21,868 --> 00:13:24,463 I said that like that was leading into another monologue, 329 00:13:24,570 --> 00:13:26,971 but it's really just... Join the Hard Right. 330 00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:28,167 But... 331 00:13:28,274 --> 00:13:30,334 Do you like our flag? Oh, you probably... 332 00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:33,712 Couldn't... Do you like it? 333 00:13:35,048 --> 00:13:36,175 I... I designed it. 334 00:13:42,622 --> 00:13:43,681 Mmm. 335 00:13:44,123 --> 00:13:47,287 Eat up. You're gonna need fuel for later. 336 00:13:52,365 --> 00:13:53,365 What... What? 337 00:13:53,599 --> 00:13:56,068 The actual fuck was that now? 338 00:13:56,336 --> 00:13:57,336 What now? 339 00:13:57,437 --> 00:13:59,372 Well, you're sitting, eating, and breathing, 340 00:13:59,505 --> 00:14:00,529 so, the other thing. 341 00:14:01,708 --> 00:14:03,006 Burping? Yes. 342 00:14:03,076 --> 00:14:05,511 Some primitive, distressing version of it 343 00:14:05,611 --> 00:14:07,011 That was nothing. Terrific. 344 00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:09,072 You can burp, too. Outstanding. 345 00:14:09,182 --> 00:14:10,980 You can fucking fart, if you want. 346 00:14:11,050 --> 00:14:12,450 You know why? Because it's normal. 347 00:14:12,685 --> 00:14:13,778 But is it fashionable? 348 00:14:13,986 --> 00:14:14,986 It's becoming... 349 00:14:15,054 --> 00:14:16,454 It's unbecoming. 350 00:14:16,723 --> 00:14:20,023 Well, your boyfriend Daryl burps and spits. 351 00:14:20,326 --> 00:14:22,022 Dary also chases ducks, 352 00:14:22,161 --> 00:14:23,220 draws on the walls, 353 00:14:23,396 --> 00:14:25,262 and must be told not to taste or touch 354 00:14:25,365 --> 00:14:26,365 everything he sees. 355 00:14:26,532 --> 00:14:27,727 That's true. 356 00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:28,911 So, is it because I'm a lady? 357 00:14:28,935 --> 00:14:29,935 Who's a lady? 358 00:14:31,504 --> 00:14:33,615 So, what, you're saying that girls shouldn't burp, too? 359 00:14:33,639 --> 00:14:35,335 I don't say what girls should do. 360 00:14:35,575 --> 00:14:37,168 Well, men shouldn't shackle women. 361 00:14:37,243 --> 00:14:39,235 We made Prohibition happen, watch your step. 362 00:14:39,345 --> 00:14:40,813 Already walkin' on eggshells. 363 00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:41,880 Done your food? 364 00:14:41,948 --> 00:14:43,473 That ship's clear across the pond. 365 00:14:43,916 --> 00:14:45,179 Same. Let's go make a fire 366 00:14:45,251 --> 00:14:46,562 'cause it's a beautiful fucking day. 367 00:14:46,586 --> 00:14:48,214 Is that what it is? What? 368 00:14:48,888 --> 00:14:49,888 Hmm? 369 00:14:51,758 --> 00:14:52,817 Okay, pheasants. 370 00:14:53,126 --> 00:14:55,061 We got back-to-back-to-back 371 00:14:55,128 --> 00:14:56,960 Coast Guard Zodiacs at our fingertips. 372 00:14:57,063 --> 00:14:58,395 But full disclosure, 373 00:14:58,498 --> 00:15:00,676 this team's got a bit of an attitude problem, all right? 374 00:15:00,700 --> 00:15:02,896 Little battle of leadership going on in here. 375 00:15:03,136 --> 00:15:05,571 All right? Sure, they got their center console skiffs, 376 00:15:05,671 --> 00:15:08,300 but they went through a lot of coaches in the process. 377 00:15:08,408 --> 00:15:09,518 Mundane details, boys. 378 00:15:09,542 --> 00:15:10,652 We want a twin engine jet boat. 379 00:15:10,676 --> 00:15:11,871 We want that cruise ship. 380 00:15:11,944 --> 00:15:14,675 That's the attitude, pylons. Now get in there. 381 00:15:14,747 --> 00:15:15,747 All right. 382 00:15:20,153 --> 00:15:21,593 What the... 383 00:15:22,388 --> 00:15:23,388 What are you two doing? 384 00:15:23,556 --> 00:15:25,149 Sorry, boys... Ladies. 385 00:15:25,258 --> 00:15:26,668 We didn't know you were ladies, boys. 386 00:15:26,692 --> 00:15:28,670 Um... Not ladyboys. We didn't know you were ladies. 387 00:15:28,694 --> 00:15:30,534 Do you think the door is open to everyone here? 388 00:15:30,930 --> 00:15:32,708 Just because Mary-Anne looks like she's homeless, 389 00:15:32,732 --> 00:15:34,492 doesn't mean you can treat it like a shelter. 390 00:15:34,634 --> 00:15:35,863 Fuck you, Betty-Anne. 391 00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:36,935 But she's right. 392 00:15:37,069 --> 00:15:38,537 Door isn't open to everybody here. 393 00:15:38,771 --> 00:15:40,749 Just because her mitt looks like the back of Christ's head, 394 00:15:40,773 --> 00:15:42,418 doesn't mean you can treat it like a church. 395 00:15:42,442 --> 00:15:43,637 Fuck you, Mary-Anne. 396 00:15:43,876 --> 00:15:46,641 Your mitt looks like Babe Ruth's ball glove from the dirty '30s 397 00:15:46,746 --> 00:15:49,341 if 20 more dudes spat chewing tobacco in it. 398 00:15:49,649 --> 00:15:51,880 Your mitt's actually a work of art, Betty-Anne. 399 00:15:52,118 --> 00:15:54,553 Like Salvador Dali's melting clocks, 400 00:15:54,620 --> 00:15:57,454 but instead of melting clocks, it's melting salad bowls 401 00:15:57,557 --> 00:15:58,718 of off-pink ice-cream. 402 00:15:58,825 --> 00:16:01,488 Hmm. I love ice-cream, Mary-Anne. 403 00:16:01,594 --> 00:16:03,153 I love all frozen treats. 404 00:16:03,296 --> 00:16:07,256 Your mitt looks like I squeezed a cherry-red popsicle with a handful of dryer lint. 405 00:16:07,767 --> 00:16:09,633 Meet your new team, pheasants. 406 00:16:13,139 --> 00:16:14,416 You serious with that turtleneck? 407 00:16:14,440 --> 00:16:15,784 You could lose a lot of heat in the neck, 408 00:16:15,808 --> 00:16:16,808 as I like to say. 409 00:16:16,909 --> 00:16:17,909 Are you cold? 410 00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:19,741 I wouldn't say I'm hot, but... 411 00:16:19,812 --> 00:16:22,372 Ugh. Most men I know wouldn't complain about something like that. 412 00:16:26,752 --> 00:16:27,776 You see the elephant? 413 00:16:28,020 --> 00:16:29,097 You mean next to the bus crash? 414 00:16:29,121 --> 00:16:30,487 That's the one. Yeah, I see it. 415 00:16:30,590 --> 00:16:31,590 You wanna talk about it? 416 00:16:31,657 --> 00:16:32,657 Let's talk about it. 417 00:16:33,526 --> 00:16:35,188 A woman can be what she wants. 418 00:16:35,394 --> 00:16:36,862 That is so nice of you to allow that. 419 00:16:36,963 --> 00:16:38,163 Not what I meant. I'm kidding. 420 00:16:38,297 --> 00:16:40,459 A woman should be what she wants. 421 00:16:40,967 --> 00:16:41,967 Better. 422 00:16:42,034 --> 00:16:44,094 There's no definition of a woman. 423 00:16:44,370 --> 00:16:46,305 It's the same as a man, there's no definition... 424 00:16:46,372 --> 00:16:48,398 No need to womansplain, I'm aware. 425 00:16:48,875 --> 00:16:52,107 But a woman should be with a man she finds desirable. 426 00:16:52,178 --> 00:16:53,578 And vice versa. 427 00:16:54,180 --> 00:16:55,842 Like, long-term, like in a relationship. 428 00:16:56,048 --> 00:16:57,048 Can confirm. 429 00:16:58,317 --> 00:16:59,597 I don't think you're it, cowboy. 430 00:16:59,685 --> 00:17:01,551 Oh, you think? I know. 431 00:17:02,688 --> 00:17:04,020 Good enough. Good stuff. 432 00:17:04,123 --> 00:17:05,123 Uh, short-term... 433 00:17:05,191 --> 00:17:06,591 On the other hand... 434 00:17:07,860 --> 00:17:08,953 How short? 435 00:17:09,028 --> 00:17:10,519 A night. A night? 436 00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:12,123 An hour? 437 00:17:12,899 --> 00:17:14,390 Maybe more than an hour. 438 00:17:14,500 --> 00:17:15,798 A night. A night. 439 00:17:15,902 --> 00:17:16,902 Maybe even a morning. 440 00:17:17,003 --> 00:17:18,027 Maybe even a morning. 441 00:17:18,137 --> 00:17:19,381 'Cause we didn't do all the things I wanted to do. 442 00:17:19,405 --> 00:17:21,116 Well, we talked, we ate... It was good, right? 443 00:17:21,140 --> 00:17:22,506 Thank you for supper. My pleasure. 444 00:17:22,575 --> 00:17:23,702 We talked, we ate, 445 00:17:23,843 --> 00:17:24,970 we sat by the fire. 446 00:17:25,044 --> 00:17:26,137 So, then the other thing. 447 00:17:26,279 --> 00:17:27,679 Good enough. Good stuff. 448 00:17:40,626 --> 00:17:42,458 Just kidding! 449 00:17:50,836 --> 00:17:52,316 Fifteen-two, the rest won't do. 450 00:17:52,405 --> 00:17:54,271 Fifteen-four, the rest don't score. 451 00:17:54,373 --> 00:17:56,069 Runs of threes, that's it's for me's. 452 00:17:59,078 --> 00:18:00,518 Youse been playing all fuckin' night? 453 00:18:00,546 --> 00:18:01,546 How'd it go, big brother? 454 00:18:01,614 --> 00:18:03,879 Do you wanna know what? Aside from the end there, 455 00:18:03,950 --> 00:18:05,179 so fuckin' poorly. 456 00:18:05,251 --> 00:18:06,742 Called it. How poorly? 457 00:18:06,852 --> 00:18:07,852 So poor. 458 00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:09,081 He said, so fuckin' poor. 459 00:18:09,255 --> 00:18:10,655 Talking about ultra-poor. 460 00:18:10,756 --> 00:18:12,088 Called it. What did I miss? 461 00:18:12,291 --> 00:18:13,554 Taco night. 462 00:18:13,626 --> 00:18:14,946 But not just any taco night. 463 00:18:15,494 --> 00:18:16,723 LA taco night. 464 00:18:16,796 --> 00:18:19,595 Oh, there's no taco night like an "LA" taco night. 465 00:18:19,665 --> 00:18:21,600 Oh, yeah. You've never had taco night 466 00:18:21,667 --> 00:18:23,602 unless you've had an "LA" taco night. 467 00:18:23,669 --> 00:18:25,829 Oh, yeah. Well, if it's taco night in "LA," 468 00:18:25,905 --> 00:18:27,583 then you must have had a hike. Did youse have a hike? 469 00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:28,607 Oh, yeah. 470 00:18:28,674 --> 00:18:31,041 You can't have taco night in "LA" without havin' a hike. 471 00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:32,788 Oh, yeah. We had an LA hike, 472 00:18:32,812 --> 00:18:35,111 but it was so cold, it gets so cold in LA. 473 00:18:35,281 --> 00:18:37,321 Oh, yeah. It's a deserts, don't you know? 474 00:18:37,450 --> 00:18:39,749 Oh, yeah. It gets just as cold in "LA." 475 00:18:39,819 --> 00:18:41,811 It's just a different kind of cold in "LA." 476 00:18:41,921 --> 00:18:43,098 Pull your finger out of your ass. 477 00:18:43,122 --> 00:18:44,800 That's what I say, I said pull your finger out of your ass, 478 00:18:44,824 --> 00:18:45,883 you're from "LA." 479 00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:49,451 Oh, yeah. You've got to take La Cienega to La Tijera 480 00:18:49,528 --> 00:18:51,690 if you're going to LAX in "LA." 481 00:18:51,797 --> 00:18:54,289 Oh, yeah. I will have another cold-pressed juice 482 00:18:54,367 --> 00:18:55,460 'cause we're in LA. 483 00:18:55,534 --> 00:18:57,746 Oh, yeah. I'm just poppin' down to Trader Joe's 484 00:18:57,770 --> 00:18:59,796 to load up on kombuchas in "LA." 485 00:18:59,972 --> 00:19:02,818 Oh, yeah. You can stick your Hybrid Toyotas straight up your ass, 486 00:19:02,842 --> 00:19:04,902 it's all about Teslas now in "LA." 487 00:19:04,977 --> 00:19:07,522 Oh, yeah. It's like you could never usually get a pizza 488 00:19:07,546 --> 00:19:09,515 that was that good in "LA" until now. 489 00:19:09,615 --> 00:19:11,760 Oh, yeah. We're gonna have a winter brunch 490 00:19:11,784 --> 00:19:13,309 outside on Melrose. 491 00:19:13,552 --> 00:19:14,696 'Cause you can do that in LA. 492 00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:17,815 Oh, yeah. I'm taking improv classes at the UCBs, 493 00:19:17,923 --> 00:19:20,654 but only until the groundlings figure it out in "LA." 494 00:19:20,726 --> 00:19:21,726 Oh, yeah. 495 00:19:21,827 --> 00:19:23,972 You better get joining in a burlesque troupe if you're going to "LA." 496 00:19:23,996 --> 00:19:24,996 "LA." 497 00:19:25,097 --> 00:19:26,565 "LA." "LA." 498 00:19:26,666 --> 00:19:27,827 "LA"? "LA." 499 00:19:27,900 --> 00:19:29,129 "LA." 500 00:19:29,201 --> 00:19:30,533 "LA." "LA." 501 00:19:30,636 --> 00:19:33,105 "LA." 502 00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:34,416 Pull your finger out of your ass. 503 00:19:34,440 --> 00:19:36,760 That's what I say, I said pull your finger out of your ass. 503 00:19:37,305 --> 00:20:37,887 Watch Movies, TV Series and Live Sports Signup Here -> WWW.ADMITME.APP