'While Betty kept the fat man occupied'
'I ducked down the hallway to his office.'
'If I found his phone records'
they would prove that he was the one
'who called the police station on the night of the murder.'
'All I knew was, the next person through that door'
'would be the man who killed my partner.'
'Hello, McKendrick, I heard from behind me.'
'I spun around, but standing there was..'
'A stupid housewife who wouldn't let her son'
'buy nunchaks even though they're totally safe.'
Reese!
All right, Reese, you're busted.
Of all the stupid.. Come on, front and center.
Now, don't blame yourself.
Dewey, you were smoking?
Do you have any idea
what a dangerous, disgusting addiction that is?
It took me years to quit!
Do you want to end up
breathing through a hole in your neck?
Do you think that's cool?
You can breathe through a hole in your neck?
What do you think your mother's gonna say about this?
You can't tell Mom! She'll kill me!
Well, you should've thought of that earlier.
Where would you even get cigarettes anyway?
There's, like, 20 cartons hidden in your Shop-Vac.
Oh, my God. That is my stash from ten years ago.
Lois would kill me if..
All right, Dewey, under the circumstances
I am giving you your one free pass.
Free pass?" - That's right.
I have given each of your brothers one free pass
one time that I didn't tell your mother
about something they did.
'All right, Francis, this is your one free pass!'
'Okay, Reese, but this is your one!'
'Okay, Malcolm, this is your one!'
Please make this my one free pass. - All right.
We've got some paperwork to sign.
Chair.
Book.
Window.
Mama. Come on, Jamie, you can talk, just one word.
Hal, has Jamie said anything in front of you yet?
Whatever he said, he's a liar, Lois!
He hasn't seen anything. - What are you talking about?
What are you talking about? - I'm worried about Jamie.
He's, however old he is, and he hasn't said a word yet.
I thought that's what we liked about him.
You know, it's probably his filthy ears.
I bet he's all plugged up with wax, and he can't hear anything.
I don't think so. Relax, honey. Kids go at their own pace.
Heck, sixth grade, I had a full beard
and I still couldn't tie my shoes properly.
Oh, there you are.
Stevie, you ran off without your backup inhaler.
Thanks, Dad.
Did Stevie tell you his big news? - No. What's going on?
Stevie's been accepted as a research subject
at the Norvet Biomedical Institute.
Dr. Norvet himself picked him for the motor-neuropathy program.
It's nothing. - "Nothing?" Come on, Stevie.
This is the most exciting thing that's happened to us
since they put your stomach on the inside.
Who knows?
This Christmas might just be our first ski vacation.
Dad.. - Tomorrow, after school we'll go look at snowboards.
Dad.. - I said just look.
My desk!
Reese! What's your problem? - He's my problem.
I get to come home to my own room
and put my own stuff on my own desk.
There's such a thing as manners, Stevie.
When you're a guest in someone's house..
Real classy, Reese. Go ahead, hit him.
It's not fair! He's hit me plenty of times.
He makes fun of me, he treats me like crap
and just because he's in that chair, he gets away with it!
I blame society.
Sorry, Stevie. - Good.
Malcolm, get your dirty socks off this table
or I'll feed them to you for dinner!
Like I'd taste the difference.
I'm gonna do it anyway.
What? - I'm gonna beat you up anyway.
This Friday after school, we're gonna go somewhere private
and I'm gonna beat you so bad
your wheelchair's gonna need a wheelchair.
I want you to think about that for a few days.
Picture it.
Dream about it, like I'm doing.
Even if you tell on me, I will find some way
to make this happen.
So you might as well have some dignity
and keep your mouth shut.
Your ass might not know I'm kicking it, but I will.
Here you go.
All right, Jamie.
Doctor said there's no physical reason you can't talk
so that's exactly what you are gonna do.
Talk.
He said the best way to get you started
is for me to talk to you constantly
about everything happening around you
so that you live in a more verbal world.
That means Mommy's going to narrate everything she's doing
like right now, when she's going over here
to make you a snack.
Then it'll be time to do the laundry, and after that
she gets to make dinner for the whole family
who will wolf it down in ten seconds
and leave her to do the dishes by herself
before she gets to make the boys' lunches
for school the next day.
Then she'll get ready for bed after everybody else
and discover that the bathroom
is a swampy, hairy mess and Mommy gets to spend
her last waking minutes with a sponge and a can of cleanser.
Then it'll be time to wake up in the morning
and she'll do it all over again.
Day after day, week after week, for the next 30 years
until Mommy dies, and with Mommy's luck
even that won't be the end of it..
Dewey! Get out here right now.
You're smoking again after we talked about this last week?
You know what that does to you. - I'm cutting back.
Cutting back?" How many cigarettes are you smoking?
Under two packs a day.
What? How is that even possible?
I got rid of the cartons in the garage.
Well, you didn't get rid of the ones
hidden in the crawlspace.
Or the rain gutters, or under the ivy.
There's thousands of cigarettes hidden all over the place.
How could you spend all that money and not even smoke them?
I could've gone to private school.
Keep it down.
Look, Dewey, I'm sorry
but I had such a hard time quitting.
The only way I could do it without freaking out was
knowing they were there.
I know it sounds crazy. - I'll tell you what's crazy.
Being hooked on these stupid things
even though I hate the way they taste and smell.
Well, those are really stale.
You're not getting the fresh, rich flavor..
Never mind! The point is, you can beat this.
We'll do it together.
Listen, you know how much I love coffee, right?
Yeah, I've seen you drink it in the shower.
Exactly. I must drink three pots a day, easy.
Well, I'm willing to give it up for you, cold turkey
if you give up smoking. - Really? - Absolutely.
That way we're both suffering.
We both know what the other's going through
and we can support each other.
You and me, Dewey. We'll be a team, huh?
That sounds great, Dad.
Just let me have one more to get it out of my system.
We can start.. - Dewey.
Yeah, all right.
Come on, Stevie, pay attention. You just had Hitler invade Malibu.
Sorry. - What's up with you lately?
Hi, guys. - Hey, Reese, how'd it go with the principal?
Fantastic. I love when they get old and they start just phoning it in.
He's actually willing to believe
this is from obsessive hand washing.
Friday!
Reese took out Scotty Riselli today.
It was brutal. You should have seen it.
He hit him so hard, a few times
he actually lifted him up in the air.
And the blood was, I mean, there's always blood
but Scotty was like one of those big sprinklers, you know?
And once he went down, Reese went to work on him.
Did you know he had dental tools?
Hey, I get Africa.
Can I ask you something? - Sure.
Do you find
my personality abrasive?
What?
Do you think
I'm needlessly antagonistic?
I don't know. Probably. What do you care?
I don't want anyone
to hate me.
It's Lisa Filmore, isn't it? - Who?
I saw you checking her out.
You like the big stuff, huh? Nice.
Little jiggly-wiggly, little wabbal-abbal-abbal-abbal..
You're a jerk.
I'm just being supportive! I'm sorry!
Come on, let's just finish the game.
Can't.
Today's our first meeting
at the Norvet Institute. - Okay, wait.
There's something good about your personality.
You completely humor your dad
with all his idiotic plans for you to walk
no matter how pointless and stupid it is to try.
You're never, like, "Dad, wake up.
I'm never getting out of this wheelchair.
I'm going to be a cripple till the day I die.
I mean, you know it, but you don't throw it in his face.
That's a really nice quality.
There, better?
And so I spend all this time every morning on my hair
trying to get it just so, although I know no one else notices.
It's such a stupid vanity thing.
I don't know why I'm so neurotic about my hair.
You know, it's just ridiculous, if you think about it.
Wish I could let it go but it's like
I just can't help myself.
Slow down. You haven't had breakfast yet.
Well, if you got me the nicotine gum like I asked, then..
You okay? - Oh, that? That's nothing, Lois.
That's just, puberty.
You know, when a boy's lungs drop.
This is how it hits all the men in my family.
Hacking cough, dark circles under the eyes
yellowing fingers..
So there I am, 13 years old, flat-chested as I can be
everyone around me is sprouting
and I'm feeling just horrible about myself.
And why?
No reason at all.
I'm getting straight 'A's,' I'm running the food drive
I'm all-county on the gymnastics team
and none of this means anything to me
because I'm so fixated on my bust line.
And so, like an idiot
I started stuffing my bra with toilet paper.
Even after all these years
I remember every morning in the bathroom
shoving these things down my shirt
and feeling like such an awkward, ugly, little girl.
Thank you.
Of course, in second-period Spanish
I had to sit next to the snooty Janice Montgomery
with her tangerine nail polish, which I was dying to try
but, of course, she wouldn't let me because I had drugstore shoes.
Hey, Mom. - Look at these stains.
You boys are in so much trouble.
No more pillowcases for a month.
Okay..
Fixing something?
Dad.
Hi.
I'm so disappointed in you, Son.
We had an agreement.
What was that?
What was what?
All right, we both have a problem.
This is so degrading.
On the way home from school, I almost pulled a cigarette butt
out of the gutter.
I French-kissed your mother this morning
just to lick the coffee off her teeth.
But we can do this, we just need to find a way to divert our minds
when the pangs get too bad.
Hal, what are you doing? - What's it look like I'm doing?
Can't a father have a friendly game of catch with his son?
We're having fun!
I had that dream again last night.
Cheerleading tryouts.
Like it wasn't bad enough it happened
I have to relive it for the rest of my life.
I was so excited to think that I might be a Cougar
and finally feel like I belonged.
The routine was nothing
I'd done that stuff in gymnastics for years.
And still, I practiced that routine for weeks
making sure that it was perfect.
On the day of the tryouts, I borrowed my sister's good sweater
spent about an hour on my hair, stuffed my bra.
I even shoved a little extra in there for luck.
And when I got down to the gym, I found out I had to go first
in front of the whole squad
and everyone else who was trying out.
So, I just pretended to be braver than I was.
I smiled real big, and I went out there
and I started my routine.
I did a round-off, cartwheel, kip-up
it was going great, I was so happy.
I landed my back-flip dead solid perfect.
I threw up my arms, and instead of everybody cheering
everybody was laughing.
And I looked down and there was a 30-foot-long
trail of toilet paper along the tumbling mat.
Everything I worked for
everything I wanted so desperately..
Ruined because of my vanity.
And you know what the worst part is?
I didn't even learn anything.
Deep down, I'm still just as shallow as I was then.
All that fussing and, and primping
and time I wasted
to shut out laughter that stopped 30 years ago.
It's disgusting.
If I had any guts, I would just cut off my hair right now.
You know, just face it down, and beat it!
You gonna get that?
I can't.
Hello? - Malcolm, it's Abe. Where's your brother?
Reese? I don't know. Probably pounding the snot out of someone.
It's Stevie! You've got to stop it! - What? What are you talking about?
Stevie and I were in the middle of our session
at the Norvet Institute
and then he said he had to go fight Reese, and just took off!
I'm terrified that.. - Oh, no.
Reese, what are you doing?
Something I should've done years ago.
I've been numbing my legs in ice for an hour now.
What? - I can't feel a thing down there.
See? Nothing.
The first three times I did that, it hurt like hell.
Nobody's gonna say this wasn't a fair fight.
When Stevie gets here
I'm gonna flop over to him like a fish
yank him out of his chair
and smash his face in, gimp-to-gimp.
Reese, you're insane! - Am I?
They thought Einstein was crazy
until he started kickin' ass.
Hey. Where's Mom?
She's locked in her room with Jamie.
She's been in there for hours.
Listen, I'm sorry I snapped at you.
I was just agitated, but I'm feeling better now.
Hey, I really think we're over the hump.
We're still a team, okay?
Good boy.
What are you doing? - What?
Oh, this. It's nothing. It's keeping me calm.
But we're quitting! No, I'm quitting coffee.
You're quitting cigarettes. - That's cheating!
You do not get to do this.
Actually, Dewey, I get to do whatever I want
because I am a grownup.
All right, if that's how you want it.
Dewey! What are you doing?
Dewey!
Don't you dare!
The smooth, wonderful taste of betrayal! - Oh, yeah?
Well, I'm in flavor country, baby!
This is good. This is growth. Just do it.
Don't be such a chicken.
It's the only way to stop hearing it.
All those kids laughing
my mother coming in to the nurse's office
telling me to stop blubbering, she wouldn't have to stuff my bra
if I wasn't too lazy to grow them myself.
Oh, my God.
It was my mother.
She was the one stuffing my bra. Oh, my God.
She was the one making me feel so horrible and inadequate. Not me.
This wasn't about vanity, Jamie.
This is about an abusive
old bat trying to make her kid into something that she wasn't.
Well, I am not gonna be that kind of mother.
If you don't feel like talking yet, then you don't have to talk.
I'm going to love you exactly the way you are.
Shut up.
Rich, roasted goodness! Suddenly, I'm at a French cafe.
Well, I'm with two girls in a speedboat
sucking down a smooth blend of fine tobaccos.
Hal!
Dewey's drinking coffee!
I think crippling my legs made my arms stronger.
Like how blind guys have bigger noses.
This is gonna be great.
Reese, you can't do this. Stevie's our friend.
Hey, he's not my friend, he's your friend.
He treats me like crap.
He insults me and disrespects me and you let him.
What? - You always take his side
and you always do everything his way
even though we're brothers.
Wait.
Are you jealous? - No, I'm pissed.
You and Stevie are going to be friends your whole life
but once you go away to college and you're not stuck with us
we're never gonna see you again.
But even so, you're spending the rest of the time
left with Stevie instead of..
Do I have to tell you I love you? - No.
Good.
Dude, like you said, we're brothers.
I-It doesn't matter if I don't want to be here
I'm stuck here.
No matter where I go or what I do
we're always going to be forced together.
Christmas, birthdays..
We're going to be forced to be around each other
for the rest of our lives.
Really?
What was that?
I don't know.
You're mine!
Good news, Stevie. I forgive you.
Come on, Stevie! I can't walk. This isn't fair!
Don't reduce yourself to my level!
You're better than this!
Oh, God, I'm too late!
Stevie, please stop! Think of the lawsuit!
You know these people will do anything to get our money!
The Norvet Institute kicked Stevie out of their program
for unauthorized use of their equipment.
And Reese will be okay, but he's not allowed outta bed
until he stops seeing four of everything.
Mom's making Dad find every last one of his old cigarettes.
She's going to make him eat any she finds tomorrow morning
so he's pretty motivated.
The amazing thing is
I'm the only one that got off scot-free.
Malcolm, go change Reese's bedpan.
Hey. He's my brother.