1
00:00:22,718 --> 00:00:24,415
Dr. Baxter's Corvette?

2
00:00:24,502 --> 00:00:26,417
Mrs. Smith's minivan.

3
00:00:26,504 --> 00:00:27,897
I want to savor the moment.

4
00:00:32,249 --> 00:00:35,165
♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪

5
00:00:35,252 --> 00:00:37,646
♪ I don't know ♪

6
00:00:37,733 --> 00:00:40,997
♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪

7
00:00:41,084 --> 00:00:43,217
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

8
00:00:43,304 --> 00:00:45,654
♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪

9
00:00:45,741 --> 00:00:47,090
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

10
00:00:47,177 --> 00:00:50,180
♪ And you're not so big ♪

11
00:00:50,267 --> 00:00:52,661
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

12
00:00:52,748 --> 00:00:54,663
♪ You're not
the boss of me now... ♪

13
00:00:54,750 --> 00:00:57,144
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

14
00:00:57,231 --> 00:00:59,972
♪ And you're not so big ♪

15
00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:04,586
♪ Life is unfair ♪

16
00:01:08,111 --> 00:01:09,025
Have you seen Malcolm?

17
00:01:09,112 --> 00:01:11,158
No! And you haven't either.

18
00:01:11,245 --> 00:01:12,507
I haven't.

19
00:01:12,594 --> 00:01:14,204
Good. Then we
understand each other.

20
00:01:14,291 --> 00:01:15,901
And you're going to make
yourself scarce tonight.

21
00:01:15,988 --> 00:01:17,294
But I'm cooking.

22
00:01:18,904 --> 00:01:20,428
Mom and Dad are going out
for their anniversary

23
00:01:20,515 --> 00:01:21,733
and they're letting me
pick dinner.

24
00:01:21,820 --> 00:01:23,344
I'm not eating cereal
for dinner!

25
00:01:23,431 --> 00:01:25,302
Yes, you are.
Dad said if I emptied out

26
00:01:25,389 --> 00:01:26,782
the rat traps
in the crawl space,

27
00:01:26,869 --> 00:01:27,957
then I get to pick dinner.

28
00:01:28,044 --> 00:01:29,132
That's funny.

29
00:01:29,219 --> 00:01:30,568
He didn't consult me,

30
00:01:30,655 --> 00:01:34,094
seeing as I have the fist
and you have the face.

31
00:01:34,181 --> 00:01:35,834
Reese says I don't
get to pick dinner.

32
00:01:35,921 --> 00:01:37,009
He's right. You don't.

33
00:01:37,097 --> 00:01:38,228
Change of plans:
Your mother and I

34
00:01:38,315 --> 00:01:39,751
are celebrating
our anniversary at home.

35
00:01:39,838 --> 00:01:40,970
We're having steaks.

36
00:01:41,057 --> 00:01:43,625
No fair!
I wiped up rat brains!

37
00:01:43,712 --> 00:01:44,930
You promised!

38
00:01:45,017 --> 00:01:46,889
Dewey, if I kept
half the promises I made,

39
00:01:46,976 --> 00:01:48,543
this family
would plunge into chaos.

40
00:01:48,630 --> 00:01:49,979
You come with me now.

41
00:01:54,418 --> 00:01:56,159
-I didn't do anything!
-Shh!

42
00:01:56,246 --> 00:01:57,943
-LOIS: ♪ I love rock and roll ♪
-What's going on?

43
00:01:58,030 --> 00:01:59,423
♪ So put another dime
in the jukebox, baby ♪

44
00:01:59,510 --> 00:02:00,642
Kobe.

45
00:02:00,729 --> 00:02:02,470
What?

46
00:02:02,557 --> 00:02:03,949
I have Kobe beef.

47
00:02:04,036 --> 00:02:05,299
-No way.
-Yes!

48
00:02:05,386 --> 00:02:07,127
-That's like $60 an ounce.
-I know.

49
00:02:07,214 --> 00:02:09,216
I won it in a Minesweeper
tournament at work.

50
00:02:09,303 --> 00:02:12,654
Years of practicing eight hours
a day has finally paid off.

51
00:02:12,741 --> 00:02:15,004
Wow. I've never
even seen Kobe beef.

52
00:02:15,091 --> 00:02:16,745
It's like meeting
the Pope,

53
00:02:16,832 --> 00:02:18,181
but you get to eat him.

54
00:02:18,268 --> 00:02:20,270
Exactly. But this
is treated much better

55
00:02:20,357 --> 00:02:22,011
than any pope was
or ever will be.

56
00:02:22,098 --> 00:02:24,448
It lives on beer and ice cream.

57
00:02:24,535 --> 00:02:26,233
And right up until
the moment of slaughter,

58
00:02:26,320 --> 00:02:29,497
its rump and thighs
are massaged by geishas.

59
00:02:29,584 --> 00:02:30,933
It should be eating us.

60
00:02:34,023 --> 00:02:36,852
BOTH: Ohh...

61
00:02:36,939 --> 00:02:38,549
There's only two.

62
00:02:38,636 --> 00:02:41,509
One for me, one for the chef.

63
00:02:41,596 --> 00:02:44,207
You are the only person
in this family

64
00:02:44,294 --> 00:02:45,643
qualified to cook up
these babies.

65
00:02:45,730 --> 00:02:47,950
This is a once-in-
a-lifetime opportunity.

66
00:02:48,037 --> 00:02:49,473
Mom doesn't get any
on her anniversary?

67
00:02:49,560 --> 00:02:50,518
You didn't hear me.

68
00:02:50,605 --> 00:02:51,997
Once in a lifetime.

69
00:02:52,084 --> 00:02:53,999
I've had 22 anniversaries.

70
00:02:54,086 --> 00:02:56,176
I'm telling your mother
I screwed up the reservations

71
00:02:56,263 --> 00:02:58,003
and we're having
a steak dinner at home.

72
00:02:58,090 --> 00:02:59,962
You cook up these next to
the prison-grade crap

73
00:03:00,049 --> 00:03:01,833
that I'm giving
the rest of the family.

74
00:03:01,920 --> 00:03:03,792
Where's Malcolm?

75
00:03:03,879 --> 00:03:05,315
I have no idea
where Malcolm is

76
00:03:05,402 --> 00:03:06,447
or what he's doing...

77
00:03:06,534 --> 00:03:07,883
or why he's doing
whatever it is

78
00:03:07,970 --> 00:03:09,537
that I don't know
what he's doing.

79
00:03:09,624 --> 00:03:10,973
All right, I know
you're hiding something,

80
00:03:11,060 --> 00:03:12,148
but I don't care.

81
00:03:24,334 --> 00:03:26,336
-JAMIE: Francis!
-:
No! No, no, Jamie,

82
00:03:26,423 --> 00:03:28,730
I don't want anyone
to know I'm here.

83
00:03:28,817 --> 00:03:29,818
Shh, shh, shh.

84
00:03:29,905 --> 00:03:31,167
Look...

85
00:03:31,254 --> 00:03:32,386
here's a toy.

86
00:03:32,473 --> 00:03:34,692
See? Fun.

87
00:03:44,180 --> 00:03:45,703
Wha...?

88
00:03:45,790 --> 00:03:47,575
Hello?

89
00:03:49,272 --> 00:03:50,534
Huh.

90
00:03:59,064 --> 00:04:01,066
-LOIS: Hal!
-I paid the bill.

91
00:04:01,153 --> 00:04:02,198
It's the whole neighborhood.

92
00:04:02,285 --> 00:04:03,504
See?

93
00:04:03,591 --> 00:04:05,419
God wants our evil
plan to work.

94
00:04:05,506 --> 00:04:07,203
-Go.
-LOIS: Hal!

95
00:04:07,290 --> 00:04:08,422
I can't see anything!

96
00:04:08,509 --> 00:04:10,250
I'll find a flashlight.

97
00:04:13,383 --> 00:04:14,950
Oh, would you look at that.

98
00:04:15,037 --> 00:04:16,995
Is there a single neighbor
that lends us something

99
00:04:17,082 --> 00:04:19,737
that doesn't have
dead batteries?

100
00:04:19,824 --> 00:04:21,870
What was that?
I'll check.

101
00:04:21,957 --> 00:04:23,654
Maybe an emboldened possum.

102
00:04:36,841 --> 00:04:37,842
Francis!

103
00:04:37,929 --> 00:04:39,975
-Mom!
-What are you doing here?

104
00:04:40,062 --> 00:04:41,890
I... need a bandage.

105
00:04:41,977 --> 00:04:43,326
I tripped over something
in the garage

106
00:04:43,413 --> 00:04:44,632
when the lights went out.

107
00:04:44,719 --> 00:04:46,068
What were you doing
in the garage?

108
00:04:46,155 --> 00:04:47,417
I was hiding from Dad.

109
00:04:47,504 --> 00:04:49,201
I wanted to talk to you first.

110
00:04:49,289 --> 00:04:51,465
Francis, your father and I
have a joint checking account.

111
00:04:51,552 --> 00:04:53,554
It doesn't matter
who you talk to first.

112
00:04:53,641 --> 00:04:55,338
No, it's just... you know
how emotional he gets.

113
00:04:55,425 --> 00:04:57,079
I don't want him overreacting
when he hears what happened.

114
00:04:57,166 --> 00:04:58,428
What happened?

115
00:04:59,690 --> 00:05:01,649
I think my marriage is over.

116
00:05:02,911 --> 00:05:04,434
That's bad news.

117
00:05:04,521 --> 00:05:05,435
Of course it is.

118
00:05:05,522 --> 00:05:06,784
What's going on?

119
00:05:06,871 --> 00:05:08,133
We've been fighting
about everything lately.

120
00:05:08,220 --> 00:05:10,135
I mean, how do you answer
when someone asks,

121
00:05:10,222 --> 00:05:11,963
"Does your face
have to look like that?"

122
00:05:12,050 --> 00:05:13,443
I put up with her face.

123
00:05:13,530 --> 00:05:15,924
With that nose always
pointing at me.

124
00:05:16,011 --> 00:05:17,447
Oh, Francis...

125
00:05:17,534 --> 00:05:18,970
I still love her,
I don't want it to end,

126
00:05:19,057 --> 00:05:21,277
but I just... I don't see
how it's going to last.

127
00:05:21,364 --> 00:05:23,540
HAL: Lois, can you come
out here? I need you.

128
00:05:23,627 --> 00:05:25,499
Just don't tell Dad, okay?
He'll be a mess

129
00:05:25,586 --> 00:05:26,978
and I'll end up having
to take care of him.

130
00:05:27,065 --> 00:05:29,329
Okay, I'll get your father
out of the way

131
00:05:29,416 --> 00:05:30,982
and then you and I
can talk later.

132
00:05:37,424 --> 00:05:40,035
Francis, I'm so glad
you're here.

133
00:05:40,122 --> 00:05:42,037
Dad promised we'd all have
cereal for dinner tonight,

134
00:05:42,124 --> 00:05:43,343
and now he won't let us.

135
00:05:43,430 --> 00:05:45,040
Dewey, I understand.

136
00:05:45,127 --> 00:05:47,172
And I swear to you
by all that is holy

137
00:05:47,259 --> 00:05:49,218
that you will be
eating cereal tonight.

138
00:05:49,305 --> 00:05:50,654
You can count on me.

139
00:05:50,741 --> 00:05:52,090
You're not going to do
anything, are you?

140
00:05:52,177 --> 00:05:53,265
No, I'm not.

141
00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:54,310
But I'll tell you
what I will do.

142
00:05:54,397 --> 00:05:55,746
If you let anyone
know I'm here,

143
00:05:55,833 --> 00:05:57,748
I will punch you
so hard in the stomach,

144
00:05:57,835 --> 00:05:59,794
you won't be able to eat
cereal for two days.

145
00:05:59,881 --> 00:06:01,317
There. Problem solved.

146
00:06:02,492 --> 00:06:03,798
LOIS:
The bedroom,

147
00:06:03,885 --> 00:06:05,887
where you, Hal, are
headed right now.

148
00:06:08,237 --> 00:06:09,281
Whoa!

149
00:06:15,984 --> 00:06:16,985
Mmm. Oh.

150
00:06:17,072 --> 00:06:18,508
Where did that come from?

151
00:06:18,595 --> 00:06:20,075
I'm just trying to celebrate
our anniversary.

152
00:06:20,162 --> 00:06:21,424
Mmm, mmm...

153
00:06:21,511 --> 00:06:22,817
Not just yet.

154
00:06:22,904 --> 00:06:23,948
I still have some work to do.

155
00:06:27,735 --> 00:06:29,650
Oh!

156
00:06:29,737 --> 00:06:32,522
Officer, what is this about?

157
00:06:32,609 --> 00:06:33,828
You better lock the doors.

158
00:06:33,915 --> 00:06:35,873
Actually, Hal, you know,
on second thought,

159
00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:37,527
I'm really not
in the mood.

160
00:06:38,615 --> 00:06:40,051
Oh, I see.

161
00:06:40,138 --> 00:06:41,966
Stoke the flame.

162
00:06:42,053 --> 00:06:43,925
Oh, I like the way you think.

163
00:07:00,855 --> 00:07:02,030
Hello?

164
00:07:02,117 --> 00:07:03,640
Malcolm! For God's sakes,

165
00:07:03,727 --> 00:07:05,555
we've been looking
all over for you.

166
00:07:05,642 --> 00:07:07,601
What?
Wait, slow down.

167
00:07:07,688 --> 00:07:09,037
I can't understand
what you're saying.

168
00:07:09,124 --> 00:07:10,604
Are you drunk?

169
00:07:10,691 --> 00:07:12,649
-You are drunk!
-Who's drunk?

170
00:07:12,736 --> 00:07:15,609
Malcolm. He's drunk at a party
100 miles down the freeway.

171
00:07:15,696 --> 00:07:18,133
Now we both have to go
down there, pick him up

172
00:07:18,220 --> 00:07:19,656
and drive his car back.

173
00:07:19,743 --> 00:07:21,092
Oh, for God's sake!

174
00:07:21,179 --> 00:07:22,659
You know what would
teach him a lesson?

175
00:07:22,746 --> 00:07:24,835
If we made him wait
until after we ate dinner.

176
00:07:24,922 --> 00:07:27,272
Let him stew
in his own juices.

177
00:07:27,359 --> 00:07:30,101
His own delicious,
savory juices.

178
00:07:30,188 --> 00:07:32,016
Get your keys, Hal.
I'll meet you in the car.

179
00:07:32,103 --> 00:07:33,104
All right!

180
00:07:33,191 --> 00:07:34,454
Malcolm...

181
00:07:34,541 --> 00:07:36,630
you just stay right
where you are.

182
00:07:38,153 --> 00:07:39,589
I hate children.

183
00:07:48,337 --> 00:07:50,687
So clever.

184
00:07:50,774 --> 00:07:51,993
It'll take them two
hours on the highway,

185
00:07:52,080 --> 00:07:53,124
an hour to figure out
I'm not there,

186
00:07:53,211 --> 00:07:54,561
and then two hours back.

187
00:07:54,648 --> 00:07:56,911
So I'd say I have about
five hours left to live.

188
00:07:56,998 --> 00:07:59,696
How about we make it
worthwhile?

189
00:07:59,783 --> 00:08:01,785
-LOIS: That stupid fish!
-HAL: Malcolm!

190
00:08:01,872 --> 00:08:02,960
Crap!

191
00:08:08,226 --> 00:08:09,793
-HAL: Malcolm!
-Crap!

192
00:08:19,281 --> 00:08:20,848
Wha...?

193
00:08:20,935 --> 00:08:22,676
Hello?

194
00:08:24,373 --> 00:08:25,635
Huh.

195
00:08:37,778 --> 00:08:39,909
There it is. Sweet!

196
00:08:39,996 --> 00:08:43,479
This is going to solve
all my problems.

197
00:08:44,872 --> 00:08:47,004
Piama. Hi, baby.
I found it.

198
00:08:47,091 --> 00:08:49,659
It is even more beautiful
than I remember.

199
00:08:52,662 --> 00:08:54,011
I'm going to grab it and go.

200
00:08:54,098 --> 00:08:56,144
They won't even know I was here.
I love you.

201
00:09:02,237 --> 00:09:04,761
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

202
00:09:14,249 --> 00:09:15,380
Ah...

203
00:09:16,643 --> 00:09:18,645
Jamie, go get the stick.

204
00:09:22,474 --> 00:09:23,693
Jamie...

205
00:09:23,780 --> 00:09:26,304
Oh, did the blackout scare you?

206
00:09:26,391 --> 00:09:27,828
Listen, pal,

207
00:09:27,915 --> 00:09:29,569
I need the batteries
from one of your toys.

208
00:09:29,656 --> 00:09:31,745
Where's that frog that used
to shock you in the bathtub?

209
00:09:35,096 --> 00:09:38,447
Hey, Lois, can you
come out here? I need you.

210
00:09:41,537 --> 00:09:43,060
What's this?

211
00:09:43,147 --> 00:09:45,628
I thought we were going out
for our anniversary.

212
00:09:45,715 --> 00:09:47,369
Honey, this is going
to be even better.

213
00:09:47,456 --> 00:09:49,023
We are going to stay home

214
00:09:49,110 --> 00:09:52,809
and have Kobe beef.

215
00:09:54,681 --> 00:09:56,726
Okay, I thought you'd
be a little excited.

216
00:09:56,813 --> 00:09:58,249
Ah, I'm sorry, Hal.

217
00:09:58,336 --> 00:09:59,555
I'm just a little
lost in thought.

218
00:09:59,642 --> 00:10:01,905
A friend at work
is having, um...

219
00:10:01,992 --> 00:10:03,864
marital problems.

220
00:10:03,951 --> 00:10:05,169
And that's very sad.

221
00:10:05,256 --> 00:10:07,128
But we are going
to have Kobe beef.

222
00:10:07,215 --> 00:10:09,652
Reese is going to prepare
its flesh perfectly

223
00:10:09,739 --> 00:10:11,611
because he thinks
he's going to get some to eat.

224
00:10:11,698 --> 00:10:12,873
But he's not.

225
00:10:12,960 --> 00:10:14,962
:
Isn't that great?

226
00:10:15,049 --> 00:10:16,746
That's a good scheme.
You bet it's a good scheme.

227
00:10:16,833 --> 00:10:18,487
Do you know where
my apron is?

228
00:10:18,574 --> 00:10:20,184
-I washed it. It's in
the bedroom closet.
-Ah.

229
00:10:20,271 --> 00:10:21,621
The bedroom!

230
00:10:21,708 --> 00:10:23,753
Where you, Hal,
are headed right now.

231
00:10:25,102 --> 00:10:26,277
Oh. Oh...

232
00:10:28,845 --> 00:10:31,674
Mmm... mmm...

233
00:10:31,761 --> 00:10:33,502
Oh, where did that come from?

234
00:10:33,589 --> 00:10:35,243
I'm just trying to celebrate
our anniversary.
Mmm...

235
00:10:38,115 --> 00:10:39,813
Oh! Oh!

236
00:10:48,343 --> 00:10:49,649
Francis!

237
00:10:49,736 --> 00:10:52,260
Mom!

238
00:10:52,347 --> 00:10:53,653
I don't have a lot of time,

239
00:10:53,740 --> 00:10:55,263
and I want to talk to you
about your marriage.

240
00:10:55,350 --> 00:10:58,179
Oh, yeah, great.

241
00:10:58,266 --> 00:11:00,485
Love to hear what you
have to say.

242
00:11:00,572 --> 00:11:03,314
Have you and Piama
thought about, uh...

243
00:11:03,401 --> 00:11:05,055
spicing things up?

244
00:11:05,142 --> 00:11:06,535
What?

245
00:11:06,622 --> 00:11:07,971
Francis, if it isn't right
in the bedroom,

246
00:11:08,058 --> 00:11:09,581
it isn't going
to be right anywhere else.

247
00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:10,800
What?

248
00:11:10,887 --> 00:11:13,237
When I say "the bedroom,"
I mean sex.

249
00:11:13,324 --> 00:11:15,239
Yeah, I got it.

250
00:11:15,326 --> 00:11:16,763
Francis, marriage
isn't mental.

251
00:11:16,850 --> 00:11:18,503
It isn't even
really about feelings.

252
00:11:18,590 --> 00:11:19,809
When you get
right down to it,

253
00:11:19,896 --> 00:11:21,898
it's a sloppy,
sweaty physical act.

254
00:11:21,985 --> 00:11:23,291
Now, your father
may have flaws,

255
00:11:23,378 --> 00:11:24,858
he may not make
a lot of money,

256
00:11:24,945 --> 00:11:26,381
but he has never been
other than

257
00:11:26,468 --> 00:11:28,035
a rigorous
and challenging lover.

258
00:11:28,122 --> 00:11:29,601
-Mom...
-Can I be frank with you?

259
00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:30,907
No!

260
00:11:30,994 --> 00:11:32,387
Do you remember
sometimes in the morning,

261
00:11:32,474 --> 00:11:33,867
I'd forget to put juice
in your lunchbox?

262
00:11:33,954 --> 00:11:35,738
I was lucky I could
remember my own name.

263
00:11:35,825 --> 00:11:37,087
Uh-huh.

264
00:11:37,174 --> 00:11:38,654
Because, when your father
gets down to work,

265
00:11:38,741 --> 00:11:40,264
and is intimate with me,

266
00:11:40,351 --> 00:11:43,137
he is like a skilled general
invading a country.

267
00:11:43,224 --> 00:11:44,965
He doesn't just launch
an assault by sea,

268
00:11:45,052 --> 00:11:48,838
he uses paratroopers
and columns of infantry.

269
00:11:48,925 --> 00:11:50,013
And even secret agents.

270
00:11:52,363 --> 00:11:55,279
Honey, good for you.
Get it all out.

271
00:11:55,366 --> 00:11:57,934
We can talk more later.

272
00:12:05,289 --> 00:12:07,030
I'm willing to propose
a compromise.

273
00:12:07,117 --> 00:12:08,336
Dewey, give it up.

274
00:12:08,423 --> 00:12:09,946
You'll never get
anything you want.

275
00:12:13,950 --> 00:12:15,909
We have to get rid
of Mom and Dad.

276
00:12:15,996 --> 00:12:16,953
Don't worry about it.

277
00:12:17,040 --> 00:12:18,346
I am worried about it.

278
00:12:18,433 --> 00:12:19,782
Those Dutch girls
won't hold forever.

279
00:12:23,133 --> 00:12:24,439
Dutch girls! No!

280
00:12:24,526 --> 00:12:26,093
Stay, Dutch girls, stay!

281
00:12:26,180 --> 00:12:27,921
We didn't have fun.

282
00:12:28,008 --> 00:12:31,968
American parties
are supposed to have DJs
and African-Americans.

283
00:12:32,055 --> 00:12:33,448
I'll get you those.

284
00:12:33,535 --> 00:12:35,189
We are leaving.

285
00:12:35,276 --> 00:12:36,407
If we wanted to be bored,
we could go to Luxembourg.

286
00:12:36,494 --> 00:12:37,757
You can't go.

287
00:12:37,844 --> 00:12:39,759
While you were in there,
a rock star called

288
00:12:39,846 --> 00:12:41,325
and said he's
going to come over.

289
00:12:41,412 --> 00:12:43,632
We don't blame you for our
bitter disappointment.

290
00:12:43,719 --> 00:12:45,199
You don't know
how to overcome

291
00:12:45,286 --> 00:12:47,157
your country's Puritan heritage.

292
00:12:47,244 --> 00:12:48,811
I can learn!
Teach me!

293
00:12:48,898 --> 00:12:50,073
Good-bye.

294
00:12:50,160 --> 00:12:52,336
No, no, no, please,
don't leave.

295
00:12:52,423 --> 00:12:53,773
I'll lose face.

296
00:12:53,860 --> 00:12:55,426
In American culture,

297
00:12:55,513 --> 00:12:57,602
if I say I'm throwing a party
and my guests leave,

298
00:12:57,689 --> 00:12:58,995
then I'm humiliated.

299
00:12:59,082 --> 00:13:01,215
And I have to prove
myself in combat

300
00:13:01,302 --> 00:13:02,433
against the mayor.

301
00:13:02,520 --> 00:13:04,392
I might die.

302
00:13:11,442 --> 00:13:12,966
We know your story's
a load of crap,

303
00:13:13,053 --> 00:13:15,446
but we think you're cute,
we'll stay.

304
00:13:15,533 --> 00:13:17,579
But if we are not drunk
in 20 minutes,

305
00:13:17,666 --> 00:13:19,276
we are leaving.

306
00:13:19,363 --> 00:13:20,582
Thank you so much
for being reasonable.

307
00:13:20,669 --> 00:13:21,757
Just go back
in my room

308
00:13:21,844 --> 00:13:23,150
and, uh, stay out of sight.

309
00:13:23,237 --> 00:13:25,021
This won't take long,
I promise.

310
00:13:26,806 --> 00:13:28,372
Dude, I can't believe
you admitted

311
00:13:28,459 --> 00:13:29,983
you're afraid
to fight the mayor.

312
00:13:30,070 --> 00:13:31,593
What are we going
to do about Mom and Dad?

313
00:13:31,680 --> 00:13:33,116
-I've got it covered.
-How?

314
00:13:33,203 --> 00:13:34,509
Let's just say
that since people started

315
00:13:34,596 --> 00:13:36,424
getting prescription drugs
in the mail,

316
00:13:36,511 --> 00:13:39,296
it's opened a whole new
world of possibilities.

317
00:13:39,383 --> 00:13:40,645
Remember when Dad
took away my Gameboy,

318
00:13:40,732 --> 00:13:41,908
and then he
fell asleep at work

319
00:13:41,995 --> 00:13:43,387
and he thought
he was going to be fired?

320
00:13:43,474 --> 00:13:45,868
Tuna salad with cumin
and allergy medicine.

321
00:13:47,130 --> 00:13:49,132
Reese, do you know how crazy
and dangerous that is?

322
00:13:49,219 --> 00:13:50,917
Even you wouldn't poison
your own family.

323
00:13:51,004 --> 00:13:52,222
No?

324
00:13:52,309 --> 00:13:53,920
Malcolm, last month,

325
00:13:54,007 --> 00:13:55,356
when you thought
your watch skipped

326
00:13:55,443 --> 00:13:57,010
from Wednesday to Friday...

327
00:13:57,097 --> 00:13:58,707
it wasn't the watch.

328
00:13:58,794 --> 00:14:02,450
Okay, I've got a plan
that isn'tinsane.

329
00:14:02,537 --> 00:14:04,887
I'll make a call to get
them out of the house.

330
00:14:06,062 --> 00:14:07,977
Oh, here comes Dad.
Just keep him occupied.

331
00:14:13,374 --> 00:14:14,418
How are the coals looking?

332
00:14:14,505 --> 00:14:15,637
Almost ready.

333
00:14:15,724 --> 00:14:17,073
Oh, okay.
Let me know.

334
00:14:17,160 --> 00:14:18,292
Dad, wait!

335
00:14:18,379 --> 00:14:19,597
What?

336
00:14:20,729 --> 00:14:22,339
Where do babies come from?

337
00:14:22,426 --> 00:14:24,907
Reese, I'm sure
we've talked about this.

338
00:14:24,994 --> 00:14:27,127
Yeah, but I'm blanking.
Two guys, right?

339
00:14:28,650 --> 00:14:30,478
You know, we can talk
about this later.

340
00:14:30,565 --> 00:14:32,828
You better get that phone.
It sounds like it's for you.

341
00:14:42,838 --> 00:14:44,274
HAL:
I hate children.

342
00:14:45,362 --> 00:14:47,582
Francis? Francis?

343
00:14:47,669 --> 00:14:49,801
I had another thought
for you and Piama:

344
00:14:49,889 --> 00:14:51,499
ballroom dancing.

345
00:14:51,586 --> 00:14:53,849
Oh, that sounds great, Mom.

346
00:14:53,936 --> 00:14:55,851
But you know,
your advice from earlier, it...

347
00:14:55,938 --> 00:14:58,941
it really helped out, so I think
we're going to be cool.

348
00:15:00,856 --> 00:15:02,292
That stupid fish?!

349
00:15:02,379 --> 00:15:03,772
-HAL: Malcolm!
-MALCOLM: Crap!

350
00:15:08,429 --> 00:15:09,909
That stupid fish?!

351
00:15:09,996 --> 00:15:10,779
-HAL: Malcolm!
-MALCOLM: Crap!

352
00:15:19,266 --> 00:15:20,789
Wha...?

353
00:15:20,876 --> 00:15:22,660
Hello?

354
00:15:24,358 --> 00:15:25,620
Huh.

355
00:15:37,806 --> 00:15:40,026
8Come on. Follow me. This way.

356
00:15:40,113 --> 00:15:41,853
Movies are wrong.

357
00:15:41,941 --> 00:15:43,943
America is not a fun country.

358
00:15:44,030 --> 00:15:45,945
The public transportation
is underfunded

359
00:15:46,032 --> 00:15:47,511
and you can't drink beer
in the library,

360
00:15:47,598 --> 00:15:49,209
and now the lights are out.

361
00:15:49,296 --> 00:15:50,950
This country's
also full of lying fathers

362
00:15:51,037 --> 00:15:52,125
who say you can
have cereal

363
00:15:52,212 --> 00:15:53,865
and then make you eat steak.

364
00:15:53,953 --> 00:15:56,216
I promise you,
you'll have fun.

365
00:15:56,303 --> 00:15:57,608
Dewey, shut up
and get lost!

366
00:15:57,695 --> 00:15:59,088
If you understood
our culture better,

367
00:15:59,175 --> 00:16:00,785
there's no way you'd be here.

368
00:16:05,747 --> 00:16:07,009
It's not going
to work.

369
00:16:07,096 --> 00:16:08,576
Mom and Dad aren't going
anywhere.

370
00:16:08,663 --> 00:16:10,447
We're going to have
to do this another night.

371
00:16:10,534 --> 00:16:11,709
There isno other night.
They're going home tomorrow.

372
00:16:11,796 --> 00:16:13,059
But there is a blackout.

373
00:16:13,146 --> 00:16:14,495
What are we supposed to do

374
00:16:14,582 --> 00:16:15,583
with a bunch of Dutch girls
in the dark?

375
00:16:15,670 --> 00:16:17,454
These girls are from Amsterdam.

376
00:16:17,541 --> 00:16:20,022
They don't even have a word
for virginity there.

377
00:16:20,109 --> 00:16:22,938
Is there a high-speed train
available to take us
to a "juke joint"?

378
00:16:23,025 --> 00:16:25,593
We wish to experience
typical American culture.

379
00:16:25,680 --> 00:16:29,336
And you will.
This is a very important
part of American culture.

380
00:16:29,423 --> 00:16:31,468
Which is getting the parents
out of the house.

381
00:16:31,555 --> 00:16:33,775
You know, teenage hijinks.

382
00:16:33,862 --> 00:16:36,517
In Holland, parents enjoy
for children to have pleasure.

383
00:16:36,604 --> 00:16:38,171
I know, it's crazy.

384
00:16:38,258 --> 00:16:41,087
And yet, we rule the world.

385
00:16:41,174 --> 00:16:43,306
Okay, Malcolm,

386
00:16:43,393 --> 00:16:46,527
your arrogant American
attitude has charmed us.

387
00:16:47,658 --> 00:16:49,095
There will be alcohol?

388
00:16:49,182 --> 00:16:50,835
I promise. You just go
and wait in our room,

389
00:16:50,922 --> 00:16:52,446
and we'll get it
all sorted out.

390
00:16:52,533 --> 00:16:55,318
I get the easy-looking
one on the left.

391
00:16:55,405 --> 00:16:56,798
We all speak English.

392
00:16:56,885 --> 00:16:57,886
I know.

393
00:16:59,061 --> 00:17:00,454
Come on. Come on.

394
00:17:00,541 --> 00:17:02,064
Let's go.

395
00:17:03,109 --> 00:17:05,067
♪

396
00:17:31,137 --> 00:17:33,791
Just because it's drugs doesn't
mean it has to taste bad.

397
00:17:48,676 --> 00:17:50,025
Ooh!

398
00:17:50,895 --> 00:17:52,071
Mm-hmm...

399
00:18:17,052 --> 00:18:18,619
Uh...

400
00:18:31,414 --> 00:18:33,547
Okay. Okay.

401
00:18:34,939 --> 00:18:36,463
HAL:
I hate children.

402
00:18:37,681 --> 00:18:39,205
I can't believe it.

403
00:18:39,292 --> 00:18:41,946
Your mother and I--
well, all of us, really--

404
00:18:42,033 --> 00:18:43,992
are missing the greatest
beef in the world

405
00:18:44,079 --> 00:18:45,602
because your brother
Malcolm is drunk!

406
00:18:45,689 --> 00:18:47,213
He's not drunk, Dad.

407
00:18:47,300 --> 00:18:49,302
He's hiding under his bed
with Dutch girls.

408
00:18:49,389 --> 00:18:50,999
Don't cover for him!

409
00:18:51,086 --> 00:18:53,132
Malcolm, you're
such a big man

410
00:18:53,219 --> 00:18:55,656
when you're getting drunk
to impress your friends.

411
00:18:55,743 --> 00:18:57,745
But when it's time to drive home
and take your punishment,

412
00:18:57,832 --> 00:18:59,529
it's "Oh, Daddy, come save me."

413
00:19:00,791 --> 00:19:01,879
-LOIS: That stupid fish!
-Malcolm!

414
00:19:01,966 --> 00:19:03,403
Crap!

415
00:19:06,536 --> 00:19:07,668
You're here!

416
00:19:07,755 --> 00:19:09,887
Kinda.

417
00:19:09,974 --> 00:19:10,888
You lied to me.

418
00:19:10,975 --> 00:19:12,238
You're not drunk at all!

419
00:19:12,325 --> 00:19:13,630
You lied to me.

420
00:19:13,717 --> 00:19:15,458
-You're not getting divorced.
-Sorry.

421
00:19:15,545 --> 00:19:18,069
You sold out your wife and
your marriage and got me all...

422
00:19:18,157 --> 00:19:19,941
-Excited, Mom?
-No. Upset.

423
00:19:20,028 --> 00:19:21,899
All so you could steal
your father's fish!

424
00:19:21,986 --> 00:19:23,640
You can't steal
what belongs to you.

425
00:19:23,727 --> 00:19:25,468
I reeled it in
for five hours.

426
00:19:25,555 --> 00:19:27,601
He just swooped in at the
last moment and gaffed it.

427
00:19:27,688 --> 00:19:29,124
You said if I ever called
and said I was drunk,

428
00:19:29,211 --> 00:19:30,473
I wouldn't get in trouble.

429
00:19:30,560 --> 00:19:32,606
That only applies
if you're actually drunk!

430
00:19:32,693 --> 00:19:34,956
That was ten years ago!
Why do you even care?

431
00:19:35,043 --> 00:19:36,131
It was between me and some guys.

432
00:19:36,218 --> 00:19:37,480
What guys?

433
00:19:37,567 --> 00:19:39,178
They come around the pool
every day at 3:00,

434
00:19:39,265 --> 00:19:40,657
talking smack like
all I do

435
00:19:40,744 --> 00:19:41,876
is hang around
in the pool all day,

436
00:19:41,963 --> 00:19:43,617
and I never did anything
with my life.

437
00:19:43,704 --> 00:19:45,445
So I told 'em
about the fish.

438
00:19:45,532 --> 00:19:46,881
And they said
they didn't believe me!

439
00:19:46,968 --> 00:19:48,665
Man, I can't wait
to see the look

440
00:19:48,752 --> 00:19:50,276
on Jason Sullivan's face!

441
00:19:50,363 --> 00:19:52,974
3:00? How old are these people?

442
00:19:53,061 --> 00:19:54,541
Good point.

443
00:19:54,628 --> 00:19:56,195
A 12-year-old
should not be lecturing people

444
00:19:56,282 --> 00:19:58,849
about how they have
or have not lived their lives!

445
00:19:58,936 --> 00:20:00,547
You're trying to impress
a 12-year-old?

446
00:20:00,634 --> 00:20:02,984
Not trying to. Going to.

447
00:20:03,071 --> 00:20:05,029
I don't want this dead fish
in my house. You can have it.

448
00:20:05,116 --> 00:20:07,597
But once I help you,
you know what you have to do.

449
00:20:07,684 --> 00:20:09,686
Learn not to care
what other people think?

450
00:20:09,773 --> 00:20:10,905
Get a job!

451
00:20:10,992 --> 00:20:13,864
Yeah, that'll show 'em.

452
00:20:14,909 --> 00:20:16,998
I am going
to decide your punishment

453
00:20:17,085 --> 00:20:18,217
on a full stomach, Malcolm.

454
00:20:18,304 --> 00:20:20,480
-Malcolm?!
-Francis!

455
00:20:20,567 --> 00:20:22,046
You lied
about being drunk?

456
00:20:22,133 --> 00:20:23,700
What are you doing
with my fish?

457
00:20:23,787 --> 00:20:24,701
Dinner!

458
00:20:29,228 --> 00:20:31,795
I don't know where you get it,
the dishonesty.

459
00:20:31,882 --> 00:20:34,233
We are your family,
and you betray us.

460
00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:37,236
God, this is so good, Reese.
Thanks.

461
00:20:37,323 --> 00:20:39,368
You know, Malcolm, I would
like to reach into your ear

462
00:20:39,455 --> 00:20:40,630
and tear out that part
of your brain

463
00:20:40,717 --> 00:20:43,024
that makes you do things
like this!

464
00:20:43,111 --> 00:20:44,155
Smoky.

465
00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:45,809
That's the mesquite.

466
00:20:45,896 --> 00:20:48,856
I don't even know what's
happening in my own house.

467
00:20:48,943 --> 00:20:50,249
Really good, Reese.

468
00:20:50,336 --> 00:20:51,685
Hey, thanks for
your piece, Dewey.

469
00:20:51,772 --> 00:20:53,556
-You sure you don't want any?
-No, thanks.

470
00:20:53,643 --> 00:20:55,341
That is so nice of you, Dewey.

471
00:20:55,428 --> 00:20:56,994
At least we have one boy
we can trust.

472
00:21:12,445 --> 00:21:13,794
I taste?

473
00:21:13,881 --> 00:21:15,578
You don't want that.

474
00:21:15,665 --> 00:21:17,493
Reese made this special
sleeping sauce for Mom and Dad,

475
00:21:17,580 --> 00:21:19,843
but I thought the whole
family deserved some.

476
00:21:27,547 --> 00:21:30,898
Mmm! A typical
American dinner, no?

477
00:21:30,985 --> 00:21:32,726
-A special American dinner.
-Mmm!

478
00:21:32,813 --> 00:21:34,771
-More Charms?
-Danke.

479
00:21:34,858 --> 00:21:37,992
Mmm, the frosted moons
and stars

480
00:21:38,079 --> 00:21:39,602
are both magic
and also delicious.

481
00:21:39,689 --> 00:21:41,038
Mm-hmm.

482
00:21:41,125 --> 00:21:42,605
I can't believe
they promised it to you

483
00:21:42,692 --> 00:21:44,303
and then just tried
to take it back.

484
00:21:44,390 --> 00:21:45,608
Forget about them.

485
00:21:45,695 --> 00:21:47,218
Let's just enjoy
our time together.

486
00:21:47,306 --> 00:21:48,524
-Hmm.
-Hmm.

487
00:22:27,868 --> 00:22:30,305
Captioned by Post Haste Digital