Yeah...
What are those kids complaining about?
♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪
♪ I don't know ♪
♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪
♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪
♪ And you're not so big ♪
♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪
♪ And you're not so big ♪
♪ Life is unfair ♪
Four, three, two... brown...
Clear...
Brown again...
Good.
What about this watch, Dad?
It's only 12.99.
Ah, that's where they get you, son.
See, it says 12.99,
but that doesn't include the hidden costs--
shipping, handling,
box tops.
By the time you're through,
you're paying on the high side of $15.
I've never owned a $15 watch.
But I need one, Dad!
Son, a cork and a piece of string
make a perfectly fine sundial--
and a great conversation piece with the ladies.
Malcolm, aren't you having
your yearbook picture taken today?
Yep.
Well, don't you think it would be nice
to get a little dressed up for it?
Why? I'm never going to see these people again.
They're just a bunch of shallow jerks
who don't care about anything
but who's instant-messaging who,
and who's going to the stupid Moonlight Dance.
A bunch of kids in formal clothes,
barefoot on the beach... it's just pathetic.
I wouldn't have gone
even if they told me about it.
Here's your uniform, Reese.
You're really lucky you got your old job back again.
Lucky? They have me on the delivery route,
hauling stuff around all day.
At least, when I worked in the slaughterhouse,
there were breaks every couple of hours to find guys's fingers.
Okay, next.
Hey, man, is my tie straight?
Yeah. Wow.
Everyone's taking these yearbook pictures pretty seriously, huh?
Are you kidding?
This is how everyone's going to remember us
for the rest of our lives.
Yeah, it's like a time capsule.
I mean, our children
are going to look at these pictures years from now
to see what we used to be like.
Isn't that right, sweetie?
-Yes... yes, it is.
PHOTOGRAPHER: Great.
Next!
Oh, another rebel, huh?
-What? -I get it, kid--
the T-shirt, the scowl...
you're a tough guy. You're dangerous.
I see that a lot with you scrawny ones.
-No, that's not... -Come on, Chachi,
let's get it over with.
I made a mistake. I'd like to re-sched--...
Ooh, take that, society.
Next!
Hi, Dewey. How was school?
Terrible!
I missed the school bus because I didn't know what time it was,
and then I was late for a spelling test
because I didn't know what time it was,
and then David Klausner beat me up
because I didn't know what time it was!
You want to know what time it is, Dewey?
It's half past a roof over your head,
clean clothes, and three meals a day.
That's what time it is!
Let me tell you something, Mom.
The roof leaks, the clothes are hand-me-downs,
and the food stinks!
-Room! -Dirty!
-HAL: This is interesting.
Our credit card company sent us a collection notice
and an application for a new card.
-Oh, my God! -What is it?
It's a check for Malcolm for $10,000!
-What?! You're joking! -No, no, no!
It says it's from a McClellan Fellowship Genius grant
to further his education... no strings attached!
I can't believe it!
This is fantastic!
It's amazing!
I've never seen so many zeros
on that side of the decimal point!
Can you imagine what he could do with that?
Imagine what anyone could do with that!
Imagine what we could do with that.
What are you talking about?
Nothing.
All I'm saying is that we can do a lot
with this kind of money.
But it's not ours, Hal. It's Malcolm's.
Of course it's Malcolm's.
But we have to take a moment
to think about what a teenager is going to do with $10,000.
Well, you know he's just going
to blow it all on Legos and penny candy.
Besides, it's not like Dr. Brainiac
isn't going to get a free ride
to whatever college he wants to go to, right?
I don't think I like where this is going, Hal.
Lois,
all I'm thinking about is protecting Malcolm.
I mean, sure, he's got
that brilliant mind, but right now
it is being held hostage
by gallons of crazy teenage hormones.
All I'm saying is maybe we should hold onto this
for a little while
before we decide what to do with it.
-Yeah, but, Hal...
Thanks, Mom, for letting me go
to picture day dressed like this.
You made me look like a total jackass!
It's not your picture.
You don't care what I look like.
Any mail for me?
-No.
MAN : Don't forget, these plants are perennials
and they do have that dormant...
Geez, my feet are killing me.
I told you, you gotta let the blood drip into your shoes.
Once it coagulates,
then it's like walking on puffy clouds.
REESE: Look at all these people,
sitting here, just waiting for death.
Yeah, I'd like to show
those animal rights whackos this place.
This is exactly what would happen to cows
if it wasn't for us.
Wait here. I'm gonna get someone to sign for the delivery.
MAN : ...to make the cut is just below a bud right here.
You can see where the...
And, of course, as always,
seal up your cut,
to make sure that no funguses, or, um, insects
get in your plant.
Thanks for beating Hitler. Now we're gonna watch something else.
MAN : Here's another guy with a million-dollar body
-and a ten-cent brain.
Thank you.
This is pretty sweet.
Man, it's true what they say-- old age is wasted on the old.
Hal, there's nobody home.
We can't be too careful.
Meet me at the clothesline!
See, Hal? You know this is wrong.
You're acting like you have something to hide!
What are you talking about?
It's a beautiful day.
Since when is it a crime to get some fresh air?
No. I thought about it, and it is just wrong.
We're giving that money back to Malcolm.
Besides, the check is made out to him.
The bank probably wouldn't even...
Put that away!
Oh!
No, wait. Let me see it again!
Oh, my God!
No! We're not going to do this.
Honey, you are looking at this all wrong.
We will pay him back.
We are like a bank.
And banks don't give you back
the same exact money that you gave them.
They use it, and then pay you back
with different money later on.
It's what makes our economy the envy of the world.
I don't know. It just seems wrong.
Look at it
as a forced savings plan.
We're actually doing him a favor.
Lois, I can honestly say
that I was not a good father to Malcolm
until I forged his signature on that check.
And we're going to pay him back, right?
Absolutely-- every cent we spend.
Plus interest.
With no hidden handling fees.
-Okay. -Good.
Honey, we have absolutely nothing
to be ashamed of here.
Okay, you go back into the house.
I'll follow in 30 seconds.
Go on.
Good. Next!
Sorry, pal, you had your chance.
No! You have to take my picture again! Please!
I thought I didn't care what people think of me, but I do.
-I really do! -Look, kid,
I'm making 20 cents a head,
and reshoots come out of my pocket.
That adds up to "I don't give a crap."
Don't blame me that you're a no-talent clown
who couldn't even cut it at Sears!
I'm not going anywhere until you take my picture!
Fine, let's go.
Let's just get rid of some of that shine.
What did you do?!
I look terrible!
It looks pretty good to me.
But that's just one clown's opinion. Next!
♪ I am sitting ♪
-♪ on top of the world ♪
♪ Just rolling along ♪
♪ And I am quitting the blues of the world ♪
-♪ Just singing a song ♪
♪ Just singing a song ♪
Whoo-hoo! Yeah!
Whoo-hoo!
Aren't you the meat delivery guy?
What the hell are you doing here?
I, um...
He's my grandson.
He's here visiting me.
Hi, Grandma.
It's great to see you.
You can drop the act, kid.
I haven't lost my marbles.
I just like seeing someone have some fun around here.
Clothesline.
I got an estimate for the new pipes!
Think of it, Hal-- clean water, on demand,
the decision of hot or cold water entirely up to us!
Yes, well, we could spend the money on new pipes,
or we could put a down payment
on her.
Where did you get this?
-At the boat show. -The boat show?
Lois, I was on my way to work when, all of a sudden,
I see this giant billboard for the boat show,
only 60 miles away!
Now, I'm not saying
there's an invisible hand guiding our lives,
but, I mean, what are the odds?
We're not wasting the money on a boat.
It's not wasting. It's investing.
A boat is a money maker, Lois.
Do you know how many opportunities
we have missed out on
because we weren't traveling in the right circles?
Where are all the connections being made,
the elbows being rubbed, the deals going down?
The yacht club!
Forget it!
We're not spending Malcolm's money on a boat.
That's final!
Lois!
You're looking at this the wrong way.
It's not Malcolm's money anymore.
Until we pay him back, it's ours.
All right, maybe I was reaching too far with the big one,
but just take a look at these...
Huh?
You can choose the Wave Skimmer or the Weekender.
What do you think?
I like this one.
Unbelievable! You know what's going on, Mom?
How could he do this to me?!
Malcolm, I know it looks bad, but let me explain!
Don't try and stick up for him, Mom.
Oh, Malcolm, I know he's not perfect, but I love him.
You love my yearbook photographer?
Yes.
Well, maybe love is too strong a word for it,
but, ah! He does great work.
The guy's hired to take good yearbook pictures!
Now my grandchildren are going to look at my photo in 50 years
and think that their grandfather was a dork!
Well, then I'm going to have to rethink my feelings for him.
Hello?
Uh, yes.
Hello, Guv'nor.
Is your mum at home?
It's Dad.
Hal?
Clothesline.
What's he doing here?
-He's in. -What?! How did...?
He just is!
Look, it's isn't important how it happened.
Let's just move on with this, okay?
Look, Dewey, you understand
we're not stealing this money.
Every cent is going back to Malcolm.
We're a bank.
Yeah, well, this bank is getting a Rolex.
A big one.
That money is going towards new pipes for the house!
She can spend her share any way she wants.
And I'm spending my share on a Rolex.
I think I've earned it.
There are no shares! Listen to me!
We are not splitting up that money!
Who put you in charge?
Yeah, who put you in charge? Let's vote.
There will be no voting!
-I vote there's voting. -Me, too.
I'm going to get the money.
It's not there anymore. I moved it.
I know.
I moved it from where you moved it.
-And I moved it again. -What?
I was the one who came up with this idea...
You did the same...
-The money's safe. -Give it!
-Give me that.
HAL: Let go!
-I want the...
And that...
is the French Tuck!
I don't know.
It sounds to me like he was asking to be beaten up.
That's what I said!
Just because you're a crossing guard,
you're suddenly off limits?
"Walk. Don't walk." Who the hell is he to boss me around?
It's nice to see someone with a little spirit.
So many young people just lie about the house,
just watching their Miami Vice and MTVs.
Pie?
This is great.
-I never knew old people could be nice.
I thought you were all wrinkled bags of skin
babbling about how stuff used to cost less.
No, some are like that,
but there's a few of us who still have some life left.
Who's the geezer?
That's Teddy. Handsome, isn't he?
You want me to push you over to him?
No, I don't think that would be a good idea.
See, we're not allowed to have romances around here.
It's as if they don't think
we're capable of having feelings anymore.
That is totally unfair!
I mean, as long as the two of you
can see each other naked and still keep your lunches down,
you should be able to do whatever it is you want to do.
Oh...
Thank you.
Okay, I alphabetized all the seniors' names, helped lug
your equipment for three days from here to your shop,
and I held the lights for those creepy photo shoots.
You have to take another picture of me.
You held up your part of the bargain,
I'll hold up mine. Sit down.
Thank you!
Chin to the left...
Square your shoulders...
Smile!
What did you do to me?! I look like a freak!
Kid, that's you.
That's what you look like.
I can't let my grandchildren see me like that!
You have to fix it!
Put on a special filter, or-or brighter lights...
Please, do something!
Sorry, kid. That's the best I can do.
I'm a yearbook photographer, not a magician.
Where have you been?
School.
That story better hold up, mister.
Your father wants to count the money again.
I just think we all get along better when we know
it's all here.
By the way, I'm going to need some of this.
I got an estimate to fix my transmission.
This receipt is from 1986, Hal!
I can see where you erased the date!
-Amateur. -Oh, yeah?
Well, how do I know this plumber's for real,
and not just some actor that you hired?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I held auditions while you were at work, Hal!
I knew it!
Listen to yourself! You've gone insane!
That would be pretty convenient for you, wouldn't it?
Well, you are not locking me away!
I haven't trusted either of you since I was six!
All right, all right, let's just split it.
Three ways, and we'll all be happy.
I wouldn't say happy, but it's a start.
I have a better idea.
We just stop this nonsense and give the money back to Malcolm.
Okay, you can have your pipes.
No, Hal, this isn't a bargaining tool.
This money has turned us into animals.
I'm going down to the bank tomorrow morning
and getting a cashier's check in Malcolm's name.
Then the three of us can slink away and forget
that this whole thing ever happened.
Oh!
Can't you control that woman?
Watch your tone, young man!
Or else what?
You'll just cave, like you did with Mom.
All right, that's it! Go to your room!
I think maybe we should both go to our rooms.
Fine!
Code blue! Code blue!
I think some of these are Viagra. Go for it.
What can we do to repay you?
Give me a five-minute head start.
Honey, we want to apologize.
Yeah. You were right.
We were turning into monsters.
The bad kind.
You're just so much stronger than we are.
Thank God for your levelheadedness.
Thank God there was someone in this house
who was able to keep their sanity.
And you taught us a lot of important lessons
about honesty and trust.
So... if you'll just tell us
where you hid the money...
-I've done something very bad. -What?
There was this antique store across the street from the bank,
and I saw this dollhouse in the window.
And, the next thing I knew, I was walking out with it.
It was like that money
in my pocket killed the old Lois
and replaced her with a crazy person.
It's okay, honey. I mean...
So what if you spent a couple hundred dollars on a dollhouse?
It's no big deal.
Now, where's the rest of the money?
There isn't any.
-What?! -You-You spent
$10,000 on a stupid dollhouse?!
They wanted 12.
But look, Hal...
it has a tiny little dumbwaiter,
and the lights really work.
No!
Oh... no.
Hi, Judith.
Oh, hello, Reese.
I want to thank you so much for everything you've done.
It felt good to do something nice for a change.
I'm seriously thinking about peppering that into my repertoire.
Are you the one who helped Judith and Teddy get together yesterday?
Yes, I am, and I would do it again.
Your rules are just stupid.
I mean, who does it hurt to let two old people be happy?
You whore!
You stole my husband!
No, I just used him without your permission
and gave him back to you...
Just like someone did with my sewing machine.
Look at her. I couldn't say no!
How can you say no to that?
Oh, shut up, you old fool!
Wait! I can fix this!
Just get back at him by sleeping with someone else!
How about him?
When he has his teeth in, he's quite the looker!
Okay, I sold my car.
Well, we'll add that to what I got for my engagement ring
and my grandmother's pearls.
No one wanted to buy my bike,
but a bunch of kids did pay to watch me eat a centipede.
We're doing the right thing. We should all remember that.
Quit sermonizing.
I'll get enough of that from the nut-jobs on the bus.
You guys aren't gonna believe it!
I got a McClellan Fellowship grant
for $3,857!
That's wonderful, Malcolm!
Congratulations, son.
Yeah, congratulations.
This couldn't have come at a better time!
I know exactly what I'm gonna do with it!
-♪ Beverly Hills ♪
♪ That's where I want to be ♪
♪ Gimme gimme, gimme gimme ♪
♪ Living in Beverly Hills... ♪
Let's see them call me a dork now.
Captioned by Post Haste Digital