There was once a beautiful kingdom.
Not everything was perfect.
They were humans after all.
But their king was kind and just. Their crops were bountiful.
The birds sang, the children laughed,
and the people were joyous.
Until one day,
a strange darkness took hold.
A darkness that reached into the very hearts of the people
and swallowed their light
until there was nothing left but despair.
The king vowed to dispel the darkness and save his people.
He learned of a weapon of immense power:
The Blade of Light.
Legend foretold that only the sword could break the curse and bring the dawn.
But try as he might,
neither the king nor his men could retrieve the weapon,
for there was no spark of hope left in them.
In desperation, a tournament was held
to find a warrior worthy of claiming the blade.
The biggest, strongest and bravest warriors came
from every corner of the realm,
but it was the smallest of them all who was destined to prevail.
Though he was beaten, he did not break.
Refusing to give in, he rose and rose and rose again,
fueled by a belief no blow could extinguish.
With each act of bravery, the people began to believe as well.
Until at last, they cheered his victory.
The resilient champion had broken the curse and freed the sword.
And the people of the kingdom, young and old, learned that day
that to dispel the darkness, we must only believe
in the light.
This is awesome. I love costume parties.
Oh, Everlight is more than just a party, Jo.
It's a holiday within our game that we also get to celebrate in our office.
It's kinda like New Year's, but it's... it's way better.
There's great food. There's a LARP fighting tournament.
"LARP"? What's "LARP"?
Live-action role-play. It's simulated battle.
You know, foam swords and things like that.
And, uh, guess who won the tournament last year.
- Ian. - He wishes.
- Lou? - Guess again.
- Poppy. - Me, Jo. I won.
Won the whole damn thing.
Cool. Head and groin shots legal, or are we doing some kindergarten bullshit?
Jo, no. Look.
Ian wants our first official day back in the office to be about something special,
not about injuring people.
This day is about magic.
- Wow. - Yep.
Hear ye, hear ye!
Fall silent for your king and queen.
- My loyal subjects... - Our.
Our loyal subjects, for too long have we been languishing in the dark.
Seriously, guys, this whole year has been pretty much shit.
- But today, I will find... - We.
Today, we will find a champion
- who will retrieve the Blade of Light. - Whoo!
And bring the new dawn!
Today is Everlight.
Huzzah!
At last, the night has ended.
And so a new day dawns!
Where is our master of ceremonies?
Is it on? Where is the volume? Oh, f...
C.W. Yes, thou art coming in loud and clear, bud.
Ah! Ah, yes.
The grand vizier is here, viziering from his home
at the request of Her Majesty, the Overly Cautious.
Well, we can't risk the life of a national treasure now, can we?
Well, our queen is wise and just.
His ego is a lot stronger than his immune system.
Huzzah!
A warm welcome to all who shall test their mettle.
If your sword arm is strong and your spirit true,
then etch your name into the stone of the valiant.
Also, please sign the waiver.
Huzzah! Yes, but definitely, guys, sign that waiver.
Yes, we will not be liable for any injuries.
Waivers, come get your waivers, dorks.
Mmm. Mm-hmm.
Is Carol drunk?
Oh, that is not Carol. That is the Mistress of the Marsh.
See, everyone has a character.
But, uh, yeah, her character really is hitting that sangria pretty hard.
Uh, you know what? It's fine.
It's all part of the fun, 'cause no one is themselves today.
Oh, Brad. Why aren't you dressed up?
I am dressed up, for work.
- What are you supposed to be? - I am Albrecht the Pure.
- So, you're a virgin? - No, I'm not a...
I thought this was a fantasy thing.
A thousand apologies, my liege.
Oh, God.
Haters gonna hate.
Hey, Pop, what are you doing? We're about to start.
Yeah, I know. I'm lacing up my gear.
What? No. You can't fight. You're a boss now.
Bosses don't fight.
Haven't you ever noticed how I'm never in the tournament?
'Cause you're scared you'll lose and look like an asshole.
I would literally beat the living shit out of every single person
that works in this office in hand-to-hand combat!
But I don't do it because Everlight is not about me.
Uh-huh, but you created it and made yourself king.
- Well, yeah. The story's gotta make sense. - Oh, God.
You know, I almost was a god,
but then I thought king kinda worked better with the fantasy thing.
- But do you think god's better? - Whatever. I'm fighting.
Look, dude, you can't fight. This is a holiday for them.
It's a chance for the entire staff to put last year behind them and start fresh.
"At last, the night has ended, and so the new day dawns."
Sure. Yeah, no, the reason you don't fight in the tournament
is because you care about staff morale
and not because you're worried you'll get hit by my fireball.
Yield.
Okay, well, you got lucky. I wasn't warmed up.
Uh-huh.
Ow. -
The king can't win. Nobody's gonna cheer for that.
They want an underdog. They want Rudy.
Rudy? Which department is he in?
Rudy doesn't work here. I'm talking about the movie, goddamn it.
The point is that the champion needs to be someone that you wouldn't expect. Look.
Weird Meg won a few years ago.
And you got Small Paul, 2018.
For the love of God, David was the champion last year.
- I can't believe anybody bought that. - Yeah.
Wait, wait. What do you mean?
I fix the fights. Every year, I pick the least-expected champion,
and then I engineer their victory,
thereby giving everybody else the hope that they could become champion too.
But they can't?
Of course they can't, but they believe that they can,
and that's the magic of Everlight.
Okay, okay, I get it.
And the reason that I've never been champion
is because I'm not a massive loser.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- Whatever you need. Right. - You're right. I shouldn't fight today.
I might accidentally win 'cause I'm so physically dominant.
It's happening. This is the magic that I'm talking about.
You... You believe that you could win something physical
when of course, you can't, but you believe that you can.
- Yeah, I'm like you now. - You're nothing like me.
Yeah, I'm like a female king.
That's a queen.
How hard did I hit you?
Lords and ladies, gather round and screw your courage to the sticking place,
for the Tournament of the Dawn begins.
First up, Tall-Paulious Aurelious…
versus Evi the Forsaken.
- Impressive. - I trained long and hard for this.
I wish only to honor this most sacred day.
Fighters ready? Begin!
- Oh, shit. - Oh, shit.
Oh, I'm dead.
Spent $40 on this costume.
Is she your pick for champion? A tester would make a great underdog.
Yeah, a tester would, but not that one. She is so annoying.
Now that I have your attention, uh,
I'd actually like to use my platform to talk about something kind of important.
Um, I know that this is a fun fantasy day.
I've noticed a lot of half-eaten food in the trash.
- It's kind of ignoring the reality… - Yeah, she is tough.
Yeah. You were close though.
It's gonna be a tester, but not that one. That one.
So much more likable, isn't she?
Yeah. Yeah, but she's not gonna win. She's not a fighter. She's a cleric.
- Shit, really? - Yeah.
Who comes to a fighting tournament as a healer?
I don't know.
Oh, wait. I have an idea.
You know what's better than one champion?
Two.
Attention, lords and ladies. Your queen has an announcement.
After careful consideration, I have decided...
-We. -We have decided
to change the format of the event.
-Henceforth, I decree... -We decree.
We. Wow, it is really easy to do that. It just feels better to say "I".
- Human nature. - Sorry, what's going on?
Shut up! You shut up! Shut up!
- What... I didn't... - Henceforth,
we decree that the tournament shall be 2v2 team battles.
Wait. You're changing the rules?
Yes. Well, trust us. This will be more fun.
So, please check the bracket for your partner.
You can't change the format in the middle of the tournament. That's unfair.
- You're with the other tester. - It's pairs, everyone.
- We're doing pairs. - Wait. No. What?
You're fighting in the tournament. Come on.
What say you, Liliana the Red? Ready to beat some ass?
I can't fight. I'm a cleric. Clerics don't beat ass.
Well, they heal ass. That could be useful in battle.
- An ass healer? - A mythic proctologist.
- Let's go heal some ass. - Yes!
No!
Please, no! Please don't do this. Don't sandbag me.
I've got a real chance to win this, and you know that.
Jo, Jo, Jo, now, Jo, he has a history of success, all right?
Just give him a shot.
- And don't worry, you'll get your kills. - I'll get my kills?
Jo Bear, your body count is gonna be massive,
countless by the end of this, okay? Don't worry.
I can bathe in the blood of my enemies?
Honey, you could drink it if you wanted to.
I mean, I wouldn't, for so many reasons
but, shit, wear it like a lotion.
- Okay, you trust me? - I trust you.
- And huzzah. - Huzzah.
What was that all about?
Well, we cannot have that maniac win,
so I gave her a handicap.
So this is where sad fantasy meets shriveled reality.
You know what, Brad?
It's really easy to stand on the sidelines and poke fun,
- but you know what's actually difficult? - Respecting you after this?
Being vulnerable.
Instead of living your life in what Brené Brown calls "the cheap seats."
I don't know who that is.
Seriously? You don't know Brené Brown?
Well, that explains a lot.
I'll send you some links, bro. She'll change your life.
Anyway…
Everlight's not just a holiday, man.
It's... It's, uh...
It's a hope that no matter how dark things get,
we all have it inside of us to step into the light.
Step into the light, man.
You pissed on your dress.
It's not a dress, Brad. It's a tunic...
God, I did piss on my dress.
Hey, virgin! Let's go. We've got blood to spill.
Uh… Uh…
Okay. Well, I was...
- Now! - Oh. All right.
The tournament resumes with the dreaded Executioner and Albrecht the Pure.
Okay, Executioner. Ole Albrecht the Pure won this thing last year,
- so just take heed and... - Begin!
Damn it!
Oh!
Hey, hey. Hey, hey.
Hey, hey, all right, all right. We won, we won, we won.
- Oh, my... - Jesus.
The Executioner and Albrecht the Pure are victorious.
Is this not what you wanted?
Are you not happy?
Well, we've got our villain. That's for goddamn sure.
Now we just wait for our heroes to emerge. Right?
Yeah, that's it. Yeah.
Fireball!
I'm okay! I'm good. I'm okay. I'm okay.
Huzzah!
Our intrepid duo,
Evi the Forsaken and Liliana the Red…
Boo!
…faces off against Albrecht the Pure
and the bloodthirsty Executioner.
- You ready, Albrecht? - Kidding?
You're talking to the reigning cha... Oh! I knew you were gonna...
Ow! Oh! Ow! Oh! Ah!
Oh, stop, stop, stop, stop. Stop, stop, stop.
What's going on? We got a fight to finish.
I'm getting my ass kicked. It's not cool.
You have to fight back, David. They're your opponents.
I'm talking about Jo. I mean, she plays way too rough.
You know what?
That's it. Uh...
I'm done playing with her. I forfeit.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, you can't forfeit. Everlight can't end in a forfeit.
No, Brené Brown says that when your vulnerability
gets in the way of your happiness, it's okay to say "no".
Who?
Oh, seriously? You don't know Brené Brown either?
- Do you know Brené Brown? - No.
That is just unbel... You know what?
That explains a lot. I'll just say that much.
It explains a lot. I'm sending you links. I'm sending everybody here links.
That's it.
The reigning champ forfeits. Used to be fun.
- This is bad, Pop. - Just give him a second to rest up.
We can persuade him to finish.
No, then he'll be fighting through an injury. That'll make him the underdog.
People will be rooting for him like he's Kerri Strug.
You have no idea who Kerri Strug is.
I don't wanna say. You get so mad. Is it a movie?
Olympic gold medalist Kerri Strug was a national... Know what? Doesn't matter.
- It doesn't matter. - We...
We need to find a new villain.
I have an idea.
Brad, we need you to fight.
How do you do that?
You are all so predictable.
We just need you to step in and finish the thing.
No, it's dumb, and I hate it.
We know that you think this day is just some fantasy bullshit,
but it means something to them.
It's been a really hard year,
and we just wanted to give the staff a fun first day back.
These people have struggled through a lot, but they didn't give up.
They limped back onto the mat, and they gave it their all.
Now they have to stick the landing, just like…
- Rudy. - Fuck!
- No? - She doesn't know who Kerri Strug is.
- Okay, I'll do it. - Yes!
- Yes! Thank you. - Thank you.
Under one condition.
If I win, you cancel Everlight forever.
What do you think?
- Why are you like this? - Why?
- Were you not hugged as a child? - What's...
It's dumb, I hate it, and I want it to end. That is my condition. Do you accept?
- Huzzah. - Huzzah.
And so, a new challenger has entered the ring,
a dark and evil rogue to match his villainous confederate.
His name…
Brad.
Brad what?
Brad from monetization.
Oh, come on, man. Don't be such a dick.
Take it seriously.
Oh, I'm taking it seriously.
I went to college on a fencing scholarship.
All right.
Let the fighting commence.
- Die, lesbian! - Jesus, Jo.
Yeah, we're dipping into some hate crime territory over there.
- "Die, bitch"? - That's misogynist.
Just "die"?
- Works for me. - That's fine.
Cool. Die!
Liliana!
Rude!
Executioner?
You have to die, Jo.
Do I have to?
- Yeah, you have to. - You have to die, Jo.
Fine.
I curse thee! May misfortune plague your houses
until death sends you to an unhappy grave,
choking on the ashes of your children!
- That was pretty good. - Great death.
Did she just make that up?
Thank you. Thank you, everybody.
This is so fun.
- That was awesome. - I know!
I think we're gonna win. I really think we're gonna...
No!
Oh! -
Brad. You killed me?
I totally took your agency. Felt good.
You are such a dick.
This is okay. This is okay. This is good. This is good.
You have to avenge me, Liliana.
I can't do this without you.
Yes, you can.
You got this.
This is where our hero will rise.
Okay, Brad.
Let's go.
- Come on now! - Yes!
No. Come on.
- Come on, Dana. - It's happening.
- Come on, Dana. - Night-night.
Yes, yes!
You did it!
- Yes. Go for the sword. - Yes, get it! Get it!
I minored in archery.
Liliana the Red is dead.
The winner is…
Brad from monetization.
Brad won?
I guess sometimes evil wins.
Okay, well, I guess, uh, Everlight is no more.
- Your king and queen signed off on it. - Wait. What?
Darkness will rule the land forevermore
or whatever nerdy bullshit you guys wanna say.
That's what's up!
He's lying, right?
Uh…
No.
- Damn it. - I can't believe Brad won.
I can because this entire year has been one giant dumpster fire.
The shittest year of shittest years!
One nice thing. We can't have one nice thing.
One nice thing!
It's not a coincidence that the one year this thing doesn't work
- is the first year that you're involved. - Oh, so now this is my fault?
I don't know. Maybe this land doesn't need a female king.
- Oh, this is so typical of you. - I don't know.
Well, maybe the queendom should have a... wha...
Wait. Wait.
Brad hasn't beaten everyone yet. You and I can still fight.
No, Pop, I already told you...
Yes, I know. No one wants to see the bosses win.
It's not a good story, but it's the only story we've got.
It doesn't make any sense.
In the story, the king can't pull the sword out of the tree.
What? The sword doesn't matter.
Wait. Do you not understand the story?
Of course I understand the story. I wrote it.
The little guy beats the shit out of everybody else 'cause he's so tough.
Then he gets the sword out of the tree, and he stabs the darkness,
which then destroys it into, like, a billion pieces or whatever.
No. The story is a metaphor for hope.
The darkness is despair, and the only way to defeat despair
is by bringing in the light.
And the light is hope.
Okay, okay, fine. Then what's the sword supposed to be?
The sword is irrelevant.
Although knowing you, it's probably a dick.
Yeah.
The point is you can't defeat darkness with a dick.
- I could. - Shut up!
You can't defeat the darkness with a dick
or by throwing a party or rigging a tournament.
The only way to bring in the light is by believing that you can.
This isn't over.
Everlight can still work.
You just need to believe.
All right. Let's do this.
Yield, Brad. I don't wanna have to kill you.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, I'm no longer Brad.
And you cannot kill me.
-Oh… -Fuck.
'Cause I am not a warrior.
I'm not even human.
-Oh! -Fuck!
There is nowhere to run.
Nowhere to hide.
Because I…
am the darkness… itself.
No need to struggle.
Give in.
Give in to the darkness!
Fireball!
Go!
No!
You did it.
We did it.
Whatever, dorks.
At last, the night has ended!
And so a new day dawns!
Huzzah!
And so the darkness was lifted.
The king and queen rejoiced and made merry.
For though they knew that the darkness will always return,
on this day, this very special day…
there was light.