1 00:00:01,750 --> 00:00:03,950 that I'm a stripper with a heart of gold 2 00:00:04,020 --> 00:00:06,208 and he's helping me put myself through college. 3 00:00:06,490 --> 00:00:08,293 He didn't say the college part, did he? 4 00:00:08,459 --> 00:00:11,296 Um, no. I-I wanted to create a 3-dimensional sex character. 5 00:00:11,462 --> 00:00:13,830 Really? What's your stripper name? 6 00:00:13,890 --> 00:00:16,927 Uh... Rebecca Johnson. 7 00:00:17,093 --> 00:00:19,221 Your stripper name's Rebecca Johnson? 8 00:00:19,387 --> 00:00:22,307 Boobies Johnson. T-two boobs Johnson. 9 00:00:22,473 --> 00:00:25,477 Look at you, in the back of a cab, totally naked. 10 00:00:25,643 --> 00:00:27,771 I am so proud of you. 11 00:00:32,050 --> 00:00:33,902 Hello? 12 00:00:34,150 --> 00:00:35,654 I came home early. 13 00:00:35,820 --> 00:00:37,155 Jess! What -- 14 00:00:38,150 --> 00:00:39,820 Who's Jess? 15 00:00:40,170 --> 00:00:42,250 You're talking to... 16 00:00:42,320 --> 00:00:43,411 Tiger Boobs. 17 00:00:50,334 --> 00:00:52,430 I'm doing sexy things 18 00:00:52,500 --> 00:00:53,588 With a pillow 19 00:00:54,670 --> 00:00:55,507 This... 20 00:00:55,673 --> 00:00:56,900 She's doin' sexy stuff 21 00:00:56,970 --> 00:00:58,640 To the plant right... 22 00:00:58,710 --> 00:00:59,740 Okay. 23 00:00:59,810 --> 00:01:01,650 I'll pick that up later 24 00:01:02,720 --> 00:01:04,900 Who's that girl? 25 00:01:05,610 --> 00:01:08,430 Who's that girl? 26 00:01:11,190 --> 00:01:12,410 It's Jess! 27 00:01:19,430 --> 00:01:22,430 So, that happened. 28 00:01:22,500 --> 00:01:24,170 That's why I need a new apartment. 29 00:01:25,030 --> 00:01:27,190 I'm sorry. What was the question, again? 30 00:01:28,230 --> 00:01:30,040 Do you have any pets? 31 00:01:31,292 --> 00:01:34,212 Sync by YYeTs Correction by Mlmlte www.addic7ed.com 32 00:01:49,393 --> 00:01:50,960 You know, it's funny. 33 00:01:51,020 --> 00:01:52,960 When I saw your ad on Craigslist, 34 00:01:53,030 --> 00:01:55,560 I thought you were women. 35 00:01:57,400 --> 00:01:59,100 Why would you think that? That's crazy. 36 00:01:59,170 --> 00:02:00,170 I mean, well, I made the... 37 00:02:00,230 --> 00:02:01,530 Schmidt wrote the ad. 38 00:02:01,600 --> 00:02:03,640 Oh, I guess it was something about the words you used. 39 00:02:03,700 --> 00:02:05,900 It was like, uh, like... 40 00:02:05,970 --> 00:02:08,970 "Sun-soaked and beige-y." 41 00:02:11,040 --> 00:02:12,010 What are you doing? 42 00:02:13,550 --> 00:02:15,253 What about these? These look beige-y to you? 43 00:02:15,480 --> 00:02:16,004 Sorry. 44 00:02:17,150 --> 00:02:18,380 I'm his trainer, so, uh... 45 00:02:18,450 --> 00:02:20,450 It's kind of the house that Coach built right here. 46 00:02:20,520 --> 00:02:22,218 What are we looking at here? That's baby-smooth. 47 00:02:22,520 --> 00:02:24,890 This is L.L.S. "Ladies Love Schmidt." 48 00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:27,060 What?! What did you just say? 49 00:02:27,130 --> 00:02:28,641 Go put a dollar in the jar right now. 50 00:02:28,860 --> 00:02:30,735 - Are you serious? - Yeah! Now! 51 00:02:30,860 --> 00:02:31,590 Damn it. 52 00:02:32,060 --> 00:02:34,500 "L.L.S."? What is wrong with you? 53 00:02:35,370 --> 00:02:38,109 This place is beautiful. It gets so much light. 54 00:02:38,830 --> 00:02:40,400 Spencer hated light. 55 00:02:41,210 --> 00:02:42,470 It's hard to say his name. 56 00:02:42,540 --> 00:02:45,080 It's okay. Nick knows. He got dumped. 57 00:02:45,140 --> 00:02:47,952 "Dumped"? Yeah, I got dumped. 58 00:02:48,369 --> 00:02:49,660 I can't hear you! That means we're not breaking up! 59 00:02:49,661 --> 00:02:51,460 - Yes, we're breaking up. - We can't break up if I can't hear you! 60 00:02:51,461 --> 00:02:52,140 I'm breaking up with you. 61 00:02:52,141 --> 00:02:53,667 I need some time away... 62 00:02:54,083 --> 00:02:56,390 Yeah, I got dumped. 63 00:02:56,460 --> 00:02:57,837 She dumped me. 64 00:02:58,060 --> 00:02:59,320 And I'm over it. 65 00:02:59,390 --> 00:03:01,290 Okay? It was six months ago, guys. 66 00:03:01,360 --> 00:03:02,860 Get past it! 67 00:03:02,930 --> 00:03:05,030 I don't even know why we're still talking about it! 68 00:03:05,100 --> 00:03:07,130 Why is everybody looking at me?! 69 00:03:10,640 --> 00:03:12,770 You know what? I want to live here. 70 00:03:12,840 --> 00:03:14,770 Actually, I still have some questions. 71 00:03:14,840 --> 00:03:16,981 I mean, like, no offense, but we barely know you. 72 00:03:17,147 --> 00:03:18,340 Yeah, okay. Yeah. 73 00:03:18,410 --> 00:03:20,680 So, um... full disclosure. 74 00:03:20,750 --> 00:03:23,680 I'm kind of emotional right now 'cause of the breakup, 75 00:03:23,750 --> 00:03:25,950 so I'll probably be watching "Dirty Dancing" 76 00:03:26,020 --> 00:03:28,493 at least six or seven times a day. 77 00:03:28,720 --> 00:03:30,020 Um, I'm a teacher, 78 00:03:30,090 --> 00:03:32,080 so I bring home a lot of popsicle sticks, 79 00:03:32,246 --> 00:03:33,960 stuff like that. 80 00:03:34,030 --> 00:03:36,600 Also, I like to sing to myself a lot. 81 00:03:36,660 --> 00:03:37,930 A lot. 82 00:03:39,330 --> 00:03:41,200 I'm tired of living with my friend. 83 00:03:41,270 --> 00:03:43,780 She's a model. All her friends are models. 84 00:03:44,400 --> 00:03:45,927 Uh, how soon can you move in? 85 00:03:46,093 --> 00:03:47,740 - Actually, Schmidt, slow up. - Not happening. 86 00:03:47,810 --> 00:03:49,370 Okay, uh, can you give us a second? 87 00:03:49,440 --> 00:03:51,680 I just got to... got to talk to my boys. 88 00:03:51,740 --> 00:03:53,180 "My boys" is not a thing around here. 89 00:03:53,250 --> 00:03:54,510 - My bros, okay? - Okay, douchebag jar. 90 00:03:54,580 --> 00:03:56,050 For what? For "My bros"? 91 00:03:56,120 --> 00:03:58,520 I'm gonna say yes. Her friends are models. 92 00:03:58,580 --> 00:04:00,108 Okay, you guys? Models. 93 00:04:00,274 --> 00:04:01,300 I say no. 94 00:04:01,301 --> 00:04:04,360 I need to be able to come home from work, sit on my couch, 95 00:04:04,420 --> 00:04:06,560 and let my beans out, let them breathe! 96 00:04:06,630 --> 00:04:08,530 Nick, it's all you, buddy. 97 00:04:09,360 --> 00:04:10,660 Well, first, let me say 98 00:04:10,730 --> 00:04:12,230 I think you guys make some really interesting points, 99 00:04:12,300 --> 00:04:14,030 points that I respect, but I will say this. 100 00:04:14,100 --> 00:04:16,679 I have lived with a woman... Caroline, as you guys know... 101 00:04:16,680 --> 00:04:18,000 And so I know that there are pros 102 00:04:18,001 --> 00:04:19,540 and I know that there are real cons, guys. 103 00:04:19,541 --> 00:04:20,370 Nick, you're weak! 104 00:04:20,440 --> 00:04:22,959 Okay, pro... they smell nice. 105 00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:23,969 Cons... 106 00:04:23,970 --> 00:04:25,910 Every once in a while, the mood changes, 107 00:04:25,980 --> 00:04:27,180 and you're not sure why. 108 00:04:27,250 --> 00:04:28,750 They'll ruin your life if you let them. 109 00:04:28,810 --> 00:04:31,220 They'll break down your will to live. 110 00:04:31,280 --> 00:04:33,020 Pros... they're really good at folding. 111 00:04:33,090 --> 00:04:34,420 - Make a decision! - I'm sorry. You know what? 112 00:04:34,490 --> 00:04:35,990 But, like, another pro... like, when you, like... 113 00:04:36,060 --> 00:04:37,960 Oh, don't do it. Don't do it. Put it down. 114 00:04:38,354 --> 00:04:39,520 Don't... don't hood me. 115 00:04:39,590 --> 00:04:40,730 You guys don't know what you're talking about. 116 00:04:40,790 --> 00:04:42,060 Don't hood me. Please don't hood me. 117 00:04:42,130 --> 00:04:43,090 Okay. I know what I'm talking about. 118 00:04:43,160 --> 00:04:44,360 Okay. Pushed him too hard. 119 00:04:44,361 --> 00:04:45,820 We did pushed him too hard. Damn it. 120 00:04:45,821 --> 00:04:47,870 Executive decision... she's in. 121 00:04:47,930 --> 00:04:50,617 Yay! I'm in! 122 00:04:55,240 --> 00:04:57,707 You are not gonna regret this. 123 00:05:10,460 --> 00:05:12,680 What have you done, Schmidt? 124 00:05:18,480 --> 00:05:19,646 I got to go mom. 125 00:05:19,812 --> 00:05:21,830 No, I'm not watching "Dirty Dancing." 126 00:05:23,070 --> 00:05:25,527 No, I don't think so. 127 00:05:25,693 --> 00:05:27,369 Hey, are you gonna murder me 128 00:05:27,370 --> 00:05:29,340 'cause you're a stranger I met on the internet? 129 00:05:29,410 --> 00:05:30,440 Yes, I am. 130 00:05:30,510 --> 00:05:31,533 He says no. 131 00:05:31,910 --> 00:05:33,993 No, look, I got to go, okay? 132 00:05:34,159 --> 00:05:35,740 All right. Love you. Bye. 133 00:05:35,810 --> 00:05:37,580 So, the wild west party's on Saturday. 134 00:05:37,650 --> 00:05:39,450 I'm trying to get us in, but... 135 00:05:39,520 --> 00:05:41,250 You may need to call Caroline. 136 00:05:41,320 --> 00:05:42,480 I'm not calling Caroline. 137 00:05:42,550 --> 00:05:44,190 - Now, hear me out-- - Shh! 138 00:05:44,250 --> 00:05:47,160 Had the time of my life 139 00:05:47,220 --> 00:05:49,790 We are in this situation because of you. 140 00:05:49,860 --> 00:05:52,560 I hate your face, Spencer! I love you! 141 00:05:52,630 --> 00:05:55,030 It has been a week of this madness. 142 00:05:55,100 --> 00:05:56,766 I'm going crazy, Schmidt. I can't take it. 143 00:05:56,932 --> 00:05:58,870 You know what? I got this. 144 00:06:03,731 --> 00:06:05,024 Hi, Coach. 145 00:06:05,380 --> 00:06:07,110 Stop it. 146 00:06:08,071 --> 00:06:09,028 Stop! 147 00:06:10,880 --> 00:06:11,880 Schmidt! 148 00:06:11,950 --> 00:06:13,250 Okay. All right. 149 00:06:13,320 --> 00:06:15,201 I got us into this. I'm gonna get us out. 150 00:06:15,620 --> 00:06:17,570 Jess, I'm gonna take the remote. 151 00:06:18,460 --> 00:06:20,490 All right. All right. Hey, Jess. 152 00:06:20,560 --> 00:06:21,791 How you doin'? 153 00:06:23,390 --> 00:06:25,290 You look fantastic. 154 00:06:25,360 --> 00:06:27,360 Listen, what if you came out with us tonight? 155 00:06:27,430 --> 00:06:28,700 You know, after work. 156 00:06:28,770 --> 00:06:30,870 You know, we'll fix you up. We'll take you out. 157 00:06:30,930 --> 00:06:32,510 We'll get you a rebound. 158 00:06:33,200 --> 00:06:34,170 A rebound? 159 00:06:34,240 --> 00:06:35,240 Yeah. 160 00:06:35,310 --> 00:06:37,510 I don't know if I'm ready. 161 00:06:37,570 --> 00:06:38,770 You're totally ready for it. 162 00:06:38,840 --> 00:06:40,440 I'll take you through the whole thing. 163 00:06:40,510 --> 00:06:41,811 You know, I'll be... I'll be like your guide. 164 00:06:43,110 --> 00:06:45,910 Like Gandalf through Middle Earth? 165 00:06:45,980 --> 00:06:47,150 Probably not like... 166 00:06:47,220 --> 00:06:48,650 Okay, first of all, let's just... 167 00:06:48,720 --> 00:06:50,650 Let's take the "Lord Of The Rings" references... 168 00:06:50,720 --> 00:06:52,520 Let's put them in a deep, dark cave, okay, 169 00:06:52,590 --> 00:06:54,190 where no one's gonna find them... ever. 170 00:06:54,260 --> 00:06:55,790 Except Smeagol. 171 00:06:55,860 --> 00:06:57,190 He lives in a cave. 172 00:06:57,260 --> 00:06:58,453 You know what, Jess? Come on. 173 00:06:58,619 --> 00:07:00,460 Let's just take the head off the... off the couch. 174 00:07:01,180 --> 00:07:02,400 Come on. Sit up, girl. 175 00:07:02,470 --> 00:07:03,570 There you go. 176 00:07:03,630 --> 00:07:06,200 Look at that. Doesn't that feel good? 177 00:07:06,270 --> 00:07:07,900 There we go. 178 00:07:07,970 --> 00:07:09,797 I think that sounds nice. 179 00:07:11,540 --> 00:07:14,636 She's goin' out to find a rebound 180 00:07:14,968 --> 00:07:16,721 Who's that girl? It's Jess! 181 00:07:18,310 --> 00:07:20,642 Wait. Did you just make up a theme song for yourself? 182 00:07:21,737 --> 00:07:22,977 I-I'm gonna fix it. 183 00:07:24,220 --> 00:07:27,390 I'm not calling my ex-girlfriend to get you into a party. 184 00:07:27,460 --> 00:07:29,320 This party is everything to me. 185 00:07:29,390 --> 00:07:31,560 Please, Nick. We go every year. 186 00:07:31,630 --> 00:07:34,000 You have no idea what I'm going through at work. 187 00:07:34,060 --> 00:07:35,280 I'm just trying to do my work! 188 00:07:35,281 --> 00:07:36,574 I'm trying to do a good job here! 189 00:07:36,740 --> 00:07:39,410 Nice tie. Can I borrow a tampon? 190 00:07:42,510 --> 00:07:44,970 - Schmidt, I'm not calling her. - Listen to me. 191 00:07:45,040 --> 00:07:46,940 Knowing every year that I will be going 192 00:07:47,010 --> 00:07:49,210 to the wild wild west charity auction for poverty 193 00:07:49,280 --> 00:07:52,180 reminds me that no matter what, I'm still a man. 194 00:07:52,250 --> 00:07:54,480 And I can still motorboat a hot girl 195 00:07:54,550 --> 00:07:57,320 who is also a member of the Cherokee nation, 196 00:07:57,390 --> 00:08:00,090 Which is not racist, because it is for a good cause. 197 00:08:00,160 --> 00:08:01,099 Somebody's in here! 198 00:08:01,265 --> 00:08:03,290 We're leaving in 10 minutes. Did you shave your legs? 199 00:08:03,360 --> 00:08:04,990 I will now. 200 00:08:05,060 --> 00:08:06,830 Front and backs? 201 00:08:06,900 --> 00:08:08,260 - Yes. - Thank you. 202 00:08:08,330 --> 00:08:10,270 - I'm gonna kill myself now. - Just call Caroline. 203 00:08:10,330 --> 00:08:12,130 You call her all the time when you're drunk. 204 00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:13,361 I-I don't know to what you are referring. 205 00:08:13,777 --> 00:08:16,640 Hello, Caroline. 206 00:08:16,710 --> 00:08:18,770 I still love you. 207 00:08:18,840 --> 00:08:21,210 So much. 208 00:08:21,280 --> 00:08:23,204 So much. 209 00:08:25,038 --> 00:08:26,550 I'm not calling her. 210 00:08:26,620 --> 00:08:28,931 Schmidt, I know you really want to go to this party, 211 00:08:29,056 --> 00:08:30,350 but wouldn't it be better 212 00:08:30,420 --> 00:08:33,860 to find a girl who you really care about to motorboat? 213 00:08:33,920 --> 00:08:36,676 Then maybe, if you're super-lucky, 214 00:08:37,085 --> 00:08:40,388 you might find a girl who will motorboat you right back. 215 00:08:40,554 --> 00:08:42,170 I don't think she knows what motorboating is. 216 00:08:44,200 --> 00:08:46,270 Jess! We are leaving in five! 217 00:08:46,340 --> 00:08:48,242 - Hey. - Hey, Coach, what's... 218 00:08:51,010 --> 00:08:52,020 Sorry. 219 00:08:53,480 --> 00:08:56,880 Uh, m-my boss says that I don't know how to talk to women, 220 00:08:56,950 --> 00:08:58,550 which is ridiculous. 221 00:08:58,620 --> 00:09:00,420 Sweat, woman! Sweat! 222 00:09:00,480 --> 00:09:02,220 - Aah! I'm sweating! - Go! 223 00:09:02,290 --> 00:09:04,050 - You're so mean! - I'm not mean! 224 00:09:04,120 --> 00:09:06,748 I'm trying to help you! I'm trying to help you! 225 00:09:07,164 --> 00:09:10,330 So I was wondering if you could, uh, help me out with that. 226 00:09:10,390 --> 00:09:12,530 Sure. Sure. Absolutely. 227 00:09:12,600 --> 00:09:15,500 Um, well, first of all, 228 00:09:15,570 --> 00:09:17,500 maybe think about what women like to talk about. 229 00:09:17,570 --> 00:09:20,070 You know, like... use me for practice. 230 00:09:20,140 --> 00:09:22,825 All right, um... 231 00:09:23,078 --> 00:09:24,740 Shopping. 232 00:09:24,810 --> 00:09:27,810 Is that fun for you guys? 233 00:09:27,880 --> 00:09:29,710 Yeah, shopping's fun. 234 00:09:29,780 --> 00:09:32,150 Uh, the other day, I bought a pair of jeggings. 235 00:09:32,220 --> 00:09:35,401 They look like jeans, but they're really leggings. 236 00:09:38,790 --> 00:09:40,290 You... 237 00:09:40,360 --> 00:09:41,157 I... 238 00:09:42,699 --> 00:09:43,940 Who cares?! 239 00:09:44,630 --> 00:09:45,800 Sorry. 240 00:09:46,730 --> 00:09:49,200 Um, good job. 241 00:09:49,270 --> 00:09:51,700 Uh, a couple things you could work on. 242 00:09:51,770 --> 00:09:54,940 Uh, one... lowering your voice. 243 00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:56,370 Right on. 244 00:09:56,440 --> 00:09:59,140 Um, two... listening. 245 00:09:59,210 --> 00:10:00,810 Uh, three... rage. 246 00:10:00,880 --> 00:10:02,180 Absolutely. 247 00:10:02,250 --> 00:10:03,710 Um, four... 248 00:10:03,780 --> 00:10:05,780 Your hair is on fire. 249 00:10:10,650 --> 00:10:12,050 Beers and a rosé? 250 00:10:12,890 --> 00:10:16,230 Pink wine makes me... slutty. 251 00:10:17,190 --> 00:10:19,560 Whoa. Cute-guy alert. 252 00:10:22,330 --> 00:10:25,200 Okay, Jess, game time. Let's do this. 253 00:10:25,270 --> 00:10:26,700 You want to forget about Spencer, 254 00:10:26,770 --> 00:10:30,110 you're gonna have to do some very, very bad things... 255 00:10:31,540 --> 00:10:34,070 With that man right over there. 256 00:10:35,180 --> 00:10:36,580 How bad? 257 00:10:36,650 --> 00:10:39,650 Real bad, Jess. Real bad. 258 00:10:39,720 --> 00:10:41,717 Like, uh, make-out session, no tops. 259 00:10:43,250 --> 00:10:45,420 Okay, this is what... this is what's gonna happen. 260 00:10:45,490 --> 00:10:46,920 Y-you're gonna go over there. 261 00:10:46,990 --> 00:10:49,183 You're gonna stand next to him, and you're gonna smile. 262 00:10:51,190 --> 00:10:52,228 You're not gonna smile like that. 263 00:10:53,760 --> 00:10:55,356 You look like a hungry badger. 264 00:10:57,400 --> 00:10:58,530 Stop that. 265 00:10:58,600 --> 00:10:59,900 O-okay, I got this. I got this. 266 00:10:59,970 --> 00:11:01,340 You got... you got it. Just go make it happen. 267 00:11:01,400 --> 00:11:02,600 Get 'em up! Grind it out! 268 00:11:02,670 --> 00:11:03,770 Go do it! Grind it out! 269 00:11:08,240 --> 00:11:09,750 Hey, sailor. 270 00:11:12,050 --> 00:11:13,220 Oh. All right. That's okay. 271 00:11:13,221 --> 00:11:14,510 You can come back from that. 272 00:11:14,511 --> 00:11:15,880 Maybe he didn't hear that. You're all good. 273 00:11:15,881 --> 00:11:19,090 Holy Schmidt! It's Schmidt! 274 00:11:19,160 --> 00:11:21,390 Oh, it is all about the Benjamin! 275 00:11:21,460 --> 00:11:23,230 - What's up?! - What's up, man? 276 00:11:23,290 --> 00:11:24,860 All right. P-funk, what's up, dude? 277 00:11:24,930 --> 00:11:25,960 This is Coach. 278 00:11:26,030 --> 00:11:26,929 What's up, Coach? 279 00:11:32,370 --> 00:11:34,000 You like parties? 280 00:11:34,070 --> 00:11:35,100 Don't talk to me. 281 00:11:35,170 --> 00:11:36,300 Yeah, okay. 282 00:11:36,370 --> 00:11:38,070 You know who likes to party hard, right? 283 00:11:38,140 --> 00:11:39,470 So, you coming on Saturday? 284 00:11:39,540 --> 00:11:41,540 I hear there's gonna be some fine ladies there. 285 00:11:41,610 --> 00:11:42,840 Uh, maybe. Yeah. 286 00:11:42,910 --> 00:11:44,450 I heard it's not gonna be that good this year. No? 287 00:11:44,510 --> 00:11:45,780 Are you not on the list? 288 00:11:45,850 --> 00:11:47,980 Man, I'm on the... list. You know that. 289 00:11:48,050 --> 00:11:49,850 Ah, that sucks, man. 290 00:11:49,920 --> 00:11:51,820 That sucks. 291 00:11:51,890 --> 00:11:53,190 Keep your head up, all right? 292 00:11:53,191 --> 00:11:54,020 All right, player. 293 00:11:54,090 --> 00:11:55,790 Do your thing, man. It was good seeing you. 294 00:11:56,230 --> 00:11:58,377 All right, man. P-funk, always. 295 00:11:58,930 --> 00:12:00,800 - Nick, please - Why are you friends with those guys? 296 00:12:00,860 --> 00:12:02,230 Nick, please get me in the party. 297 00:12:02,300 --> 00:12:03,470 I'm begging you, please. 298 00:12:03,530 --> 00:12:04,425 No, I'm not calling Caroline. 299 00:12:04,591 --> 00:12:06,969 Do you know what a cute cowboy I am? Do you have any idea? 300 00:12:09,070 --> 00:12:11,310 Well, I guess I can't hide my crazy. 301 00:12:11,370 --> 00:12:13,840 I don't think you're trying that hard. 302 00:12:13,910 --> 00:12:17,250 Well, I've never really been great at this stuff, so... 303 00:12:17,310 --> 00:12:20,420 What if god was one of us? 304 00:12:20,480 --> 00:12:21,880 Make it stop! 305 00:12:21,950 --> 00:12:24,820 Just a slob like one of us 306 00:12:26,360 --> 00:12:28,520 Look at us... couple of losers. 307 00:12:28,590 --> 00:12:30,090 We both got dumped. 308 00:12:30,160 --> 00:12:31,130 Geesh. 309 00:12:31,190 --> 00:12:32,330 I'm fine. 310 00:12:32,400 --> 00:12:34,530 It was six months ago, so... 311 00:12:34,600 --> 00:12:35,860 Do you know why she dumped you? 312 00:12:35,930 --> 00:12:37,530 I mean, she must have hurt you pretty bad. 313 00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:38,970 No, no. It made no difference to me. 314 00:12:39,040 --> 00:12:40,770 I just wanted to set her trash cans on fire. 315 00:12:40,840 --> 00:12:43,470 So you're always just, like, wondering, like, "What was it? 316 00:12:43,540 --> 00:12:46,070 Was there something I could have done differently?" 317 00:12:47,217 --> 00:12:49,810 You know what happens to people who keep it all inside? 318 00:12:49,880 --> 00:12:52,807 They get old and they get sad and they get weird, 319 00:12:52,973 --> 00:12:55,250 and then you're the old man, and you're yelling at the kids 320 00:12:55,320 --> 00:12:56,690 who are running across your yard, 321 00:12:56,750 --> 00:12:58,750 and you're telling them, "Don't run across my yard. 322 00:12:58,820 --> 00:13:00,189 My life's filled with regret." 323 00:13:01,490 --> 00:13:04,068 You know, you can't just pretend like it didn't happen. 324 00:13:05,530 --> 00:13:07,830 Or I could pretend to be more like you, Jess, 325 00:13:07,900 --> 00:13:09,782 and live on a sparkly rainbow 326 00:13:10,170 --> 00:13:13,369 and drive a unicorn around and just sing all the time. 327 00:13:13,734 --> 00:13:15,579 Yeah, I think you should sing all the time. 328 00:13:15,940 --> 00:13:17,790 No, I was being mean. I'm not gonna do that, Jess. 329 00:13:18,129 --> 00:13:19,750 Why not? It's fun. 330 00:13:19,916 --> 00:13:21,168 Because I have a penis. 331 00:13:21,334 --> 00:13:23,838 My name is Nick, I have a penis 332 00:13:24,004 --> 00:13:26,880 and I'm not gonna let any feelings out. 333 00:13:27,549 --> 00:13:28,980 Okay, Jess... 334 00:13:29,050 --> 00:13:31,590 Your left boob is resting on a plate of chicken wings. 335 00:13:31,650 --> 00:13:33,556 Yeah. I know. 336 00:13:35,420 --> 00:13:36,790 Hey. 337 00:13:36,860 --> 00:13:38,180 I'm Peter. 338 00:13:39,160 --> 00:13:41,230 What are you drinking? 339 00:13:41,300 --> 00:13:43,130 Oh, I'll have another pink wine. 340 00:13:43,200 --> 00:13:45,030 I like your glasses. 341 00:13:45,100 --> 00:13:46,300 They help me see. 342 00:13:49,070 --> 00:13:50,540 She's doing all right. 343 00:13:50,610 --> 00:13:52,270 Schmidt stain! 344 00:13:52,340 --> 00:13:54,240 Hey, man, I was thinking... 345 00:13:54,310 --> 00:13:56,480 It's probably better that you don't come to the party. 346 00:13:56,550 --> 00:13:58,270 That means more breasts for me. 347 00:13:59,180 --> 00:14:00,380 You better step down, son. 348 00:14:00,450 --> 00:14:01,720 You're taking this whole thing too far. 349 00:14:01,780 --> 00:14:03,020 I'm seri... hold me back, Coach. 350 00:14:03,090 --> 00:14:05,290 I-I'm serious. Hold me back. Hold me back! 351 00:14:05,350 --> 00:14:07,000 - Coach, would you please hold me back? - No. 352 00:14:07,001 --> 00:14:09,760 Schmidt, we're going to the party. Relax. 353 00:14:09,830 --> 00:14:10,790 Nice. See you there, Schmidty. 354 00:14:10,860 --> 00:14:12,100 Ah, totally, Broseph! 355 00:14:12,930 --> 00:14:14,430 Yeah, I texted Caroline. 356 00:14:14,500 --> 00:14:15,830 You texted Caroline? 357 00:14:16,700 --> 00:14:17,330 It's no big deal. 358 00:14:17,400 --> 00:14:19,130 It's behind me. It's in the past, so... 359 00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:20,999 Thank you. I love you, bro. 360 00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:22,550 Yeah. There it is. 361 00:14:22,910 --> 00:14:24,240 Did you just kiss my arm a little? 362 00:14:24,310 --> 00:14:25,440 You bet I did. It felt right. 363 00:14:25,510 --> 00:14:27,540 So, I'll see you tomorrow, sailor. 364 00:14:27,610 --> 00:14:30,160 Yeah, cool. I'll call... cool. 365 00:14:30,810 --> 00:14:32,281 What's happening tomorrow, sailor? 366 00:14:32,447 --> 00:14:34,650 You know what? You guys were totally right. 367 00:14:34,720 --> 00:14:37,220 I talked in short sentences, I didn't sing, 368 00:14:37,290 --> 00:14:39,750 I laughed, I smiled, I said I needed rebound sex, 369 00:14:39,820 --> 00:14:42,333 and it totally worked. He asked me out. 370 00:14:43,690 --> 00:14:45,630 Dinner... with food. 371 00:14:47,212 --> 00:14:48,860 - I'm so proud of you. - You got it, girl. 372 00:14:48,930 --> 00:14:50,500 You did good. Yeah, you put it... 373 00:14:50,570 --> 00:14:51,670 Date! 374 00:14:51,730 --> 00:14:53,270 It's Jess! 375 00:14:53,340 --> 00:14:55,650 She's on fire 376 00:14:56,770 --> 00:14:58,010 She's on fire 377 00:14:59,210 --> 00:15:00,780 She got some big panties! 378 00:15:00,840 --> 00:15:01,700 All right, should we tell her? 379 00:15:01,701 --> 00:15:03,437 Ah, I think we let her have her moment. 380 00:15:14,560 --> 00:15:16,020 Do the shoes fit, Jess? 381 00:15:17,660 --> 00:15:18,830 I'm okay! 382 00:15:18,890 --> 00:15:20,800 What, are you a model or something? 383 00:15:20,860 --> 00:15:22,880 Yeah. 384 00:15:23,200 --> 00:15:26,370 Yes, mostly print right now, so... 385 00:15:26,440 --> 00:15:28,340 What is it? Cece? Cecelia? 386 00:15:29,770 --> 00:15:31,480 "Chechelia"? 387 00:15:32,380 --> 00:15:33,717 Tell me, what are your hopes and dreams? 388 00:15:33,883 --> 00:15:36,340 You know, are you warm? I'm a little I'm a little warm right now. 389 00:15:36,410 --> 00:15:37,350 Don't, Schmidt. 390 00:15:37,410 --> 00:15:38,680 All right. 391 00:15:38,750 --> 00:15:40,180 Oh, yeah, there it is. 392 00:15:41,850 --> 00:15:43,520 Please put your shirt back on. 393 00:15:43,590 --> 00:15:45,070 Please don't make me laugh at you. 394 00:15:45,071 --> 00:15:48,460 Can I hit you up with some tea? A little herb tea? 395 00:15:49,530 --> 00:15:51,230 Oh, my god. 396 00:15:51,290 --> 00:15:53,090 How good is that? For real. What? 397 00:15:53,160 --> 00:15:54,760 Little P-mint tea? 398 00:15:54,830 --> 00:15:56,400 Yum, right? 399 00:15:56,470 --> 00:15:58,570 Hot, sweet. 400 00:15:58,630 --> 00:16:00,300 Little tea-bag action. 401 00:16:01,036 --> 00:16:02,240 I know... oh. 402 00:16:03,270 --> 00:16:06,470 I wasn't talking about putting anything on your face. 403 00:16:06,540 --> 00:16:07,930 There it is. 404 00:16:08,380 --> 00:16:09,150 Douchebag. 405 00:16:09,151 --> 00:16:10,734 Listen to me, you guys. 406 00:16:10,859 --> 00:16:13,680 Jess is by far the best person that I know. 407 00:16:13,750 --> 00:16:15,630 So if you guys let anything happen to her, 408 00:16:15,631 --> 00:16:18,554 I'm gonna come here and crazy murder you. 409 00:16:20,890 --> 00:16:22,390 I'm gonna be honest with you. 410 00:16:22,460 --> 00:16:25,060 I did not hear a word that you just said, 411 00:16:25,130 --> 00:16:26,960 'cause I can kinda see your party hats right now. 412 00:16:27,030 --> 00:16:27,960 Here you go. 413 00:16:28,030 --> 00:16:29,060 Jess! 414 00:16:30,930 --> 00:16:32,902 Why are you talking like this? 415 00:16:36,040 --> 00:16:38,640 - I fell off my heels. - Okay. All right. 416 00:16:38,710 --> 00:16:40,980 No. Come on. Get up. 417 00:16:41,040 --> 00:16:42,240 Oh, what am I doing? 418 00:16:42,310 --> 00:16:44,210 I can't go on a date. What if it's horrible? 419 00:16:44,280 --> 00:16:45,610 What if I have nothing to talk about? 420 00:16:45,611 --> 00:16:48,320 Then you go to the bathroom and you call me 421 00:16:48,380 --> 00:16:49,880 and you tell me all about it. 422 00:16:49,950 --> 00:16:52,450 Maybe I just shouldn't go. 423 00:16:52,520 --> 00:16:54,020 Babe, you got hurt. 424 00:16:54,090 --> 00:16:55,760 That doesn't mean you stop trying. 425 00:16:55,830 --> 00:16:57,490 Okay? 426 00:16:57,560 --> 00:17:00,130 Okay. Let's go. Come on. 427 00:17:04,270 --> 00:17:06,170 You got to take off those overalls. 428 00:17:06,240 --> 00:17:07,750 I was going for, like, a... 429 00:17:08,840 --> 00:17:11,110 Like a "Hot farmer's daughter" kind of thing. 430 00:17:11,170 --> 00:17:12,210 You know, like... 431 00:17:13,380 --> 00:17:15,610 "I'm going to go milk my cows... 432 00:17:15,680 --> 00:17:17,250 With my bucket." 433 00:17:17,310 --> 00:17:18,849 Take them off. 434 00:17:18,850 --> 00:17:20,080 Okay. 435 00:17:20,350 --> 00:17:21,492 What am I gonna wear? 436 00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:37,174 Thanks, Coach. 437 00:17:40,640 --> 00:17:42,400 And then she does that. 438 00:17:42,470 --> 00:17:45,610 I'm gonna text him, tell him I'm headed over. 439 00:17:45,670 --> 00:17:47,240 Wait. Have you been texting him? 440 00:17:47,310 --> 00:17:48,310 Is that bad? 441 00:17:50,110 --> 00:17:52,950 No. It's nice. 442 00:17:53,020 --> 00:17:54,550 Have a good night. 443 00:17:54,620 --> 00:17:56,150 This is gonna be great. 444 00:17:57,250 --> 00:17:59,950 Coach, you don't look anything like an Indian. 445 00:18:00,020 --> 00:18:02,020 Look, man, I got your back. You got to have mine, too. 446 00:18:02,090 --> 00:18:03,390 Coach, I got your back. 447 00:18:03,460 --> 00:18:05,160 No, Nick, I want to hear it from him. 448 00:18:05,230 --> 00:18:07,630 Coach, what sort of Indian wears bike shorts? 449 00:18:07,700 --> 00:18:09,800 Excuse me, is, uh, Caroline, I'm looking for Caroline. 450 00:18:09,870 --> 00:18:11,130 We're supposed to be on some list. 451 00:18:11,200 --> 00:18:11,990 Hey. Nick. 452 00:18:13,970 --> 00:18:15,200 That's her. 453 00:18:16,210 --> 00:18:18,310 Sorry. I'm wearing this stupid thing. 454 00:18:18,370 --> 00:18:19,570 Schmidt made me do it. 455 00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:20,950 Thank you so much for getting us in. 456 00:18:20,951 --> 00:18:22,640 Yeah. No problem. 457 00:18:22,710 --> 00:18:25,610 Um, maybe to pay me back, you can stop prank-calling me. 458 00:18:25,680 --> 00:18:26,780 What? 459 00:18:26,850 --> 00:18:28,920 "Hello, Caroline." 460 00:18:28,980 --> 00:18:30,477 "I still loves you, I do." 461 00:18:30,643 --> 00:18:31,740 Yeah, you got to figure that out. 462 00:18:31,741 --> 00:18:33,350 Some crazy person's calling you. 463 00:18:34,250 --> 00:18:35,760 You look nice. It's good to see you. 464 00:18:38,360 --> 00:18:40,730 I-I think I'm almost finished out here if you... 465 00:18:40,800 --> 00:18:43,670 Do you want to go... grab a drink? 466 00:18:44,240 --> 00:18:45,455 - Yeah. - Yeah? 467 00:18:45,580 --> 00:18:46,500 Sure. Yeah. 468 00:18:46,570 --> 00:18:49,440 Let's you and I just get a drink, be normal about it. 469 00:18:50,413 --> 00:18:52,060 Actually, hold on. I'm sorry. I just... 470 00:18:52,061 --> 00:18:54,310 I have to ask you something so that one day 471 00:18:54,380 --> 00:18:56,950 I'm not an old man filled with regret. 472 00:18:57,010 --> 00:18:58,880 But why did you dump me? 473 00:19:01,580 --> 00:19:05,387 Do-- okay, are we doing this here, like, now? 474 00:19:06,860 --> 00:19:08,160 Yeah. 475 00:19:08,220 --> 00:19:09,560 Why did you dump me? 476 00:19:13,430 --> 00:19:17,000 Honestly, I-I didn't even realize that you cared about me 477 00:19:17,070 --> 00:19:19,109 until we broke up. 478 00:19:22,470 --> 00:19:23,610 Okay. 479 00:19:24,610 --> 00:19:25,670 Let's get that drink. 480 00:19:25,740 --> 00:19:27,880 Get along, little doggie! 481 00:19:27,940 --> 00:19:31,110 Well, howdy, there, muchachos. 482 00:19:31,180 --> 00:19:33,589 Hey, where's Jess? 483 00:19:33,590 --> 00:19:35,920 Oh, dude, she texted me seven times... 484 00:19:35,990 --> 00:19:37,150 Like, long ones. 485 00:19:37,220 --> 00:19:38,720 I just wanted to hook up. 486 00:19:38,790 --> 00:19:42,420 So, is she waiting for you to show up, or did you call her? 487 00:19:42,490 --> 00:19:44,930 Yeah, that's what I did. I called her. 488 00:19:47,660 --> 00:19:49,830 Stay in touch, Schmidt! 489 00:19:52,330 --> 00:19:53,500 Nick. 490 00:19:53,570 --> 00:19:54,978 Want to get that drink? 491 00:19:57,710 --> 00:20:00,000 No, I got to go help a friend, Caroline. 492 00:20:01,280 --> 00:20:02,510 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! 493 00:20:02,580 --> 00:20:04,110 Guys, this is the party of the year, you guys. 494 00:20:04,180 --> 00:20:05,510 This is our night. This is our night! 495 00:20:05,580 --> 00:20:06,880 I'm going with Nick, man. You coming? 496 00:20:06,950 --> 00:20:08,150 I thought you guys were my boys! 497 00:20:08,220 --> 00:20:10,040 "Boys" is not a thing, Schmidt! Stop! 498 00:20:36,650 --> 00:20:38,580 Do you have anything else 499 00:20:38,650 --> 00:20:41,550 that is free but also has bread in it? 500 00:20:41,620 --> 00:20:44,350 Because the... the, like, good bread, I ate, 501 00:20:44,420 --> 00:20:46,390 and that's... all that's left is like a... 502 00:20:46,460 --> 00:20:48,260 It's like... it's kind of like a health bread. 503 00:20:48,320 --> 00:20:49,690 I'm sorry. 504 00:20:49,760 --> 00:20:51,827 We're gonna have to ask you to give up the table. 505 00:20:55,500 --> 00:20:58,270 Can I please just stay just a little bit longer? 506 00:20:58,330 --> 00:20:59,470 We're here! 507 00:20:59,540 --> 00:21:01,100 Yeah! 508 00:21:01,170 --> 00:21:02,800 We're here, Jess! We're here. 509 00:21:02,870 --> 00:21:05,610 Here for the date... date thing. 510 00:21:05,670 --> 00:21:06,810 You're all on a date? 511 00:21:06,880 --> 00:21:09,080 Yeah. We, uh, we're her boyfriends. 512 00:21:09,140 --> 00:21:10,310 We are reverse mormons. 513 00:21:10,380 --> 00:21:12,389 - One man just isn't enough for her. - Okay. 514 00:21:14,580 --> 00:21:17,520 Hey, Jess, that guy was a jerk. 515 00:21:17,590 --> 00:21:19,590 The guy's a clown. 516 00:21:19,660 --> 00:21:22,660 You guys missed your party to come here and... 517 00:21:22,730 --> 00:21:24,430 See me? 518 00:21:24,490 --> 00:21:27,600 Yeah. We, uh... we care about you. 519 00:21:27,660 --> 00:21:29,160 We like you. 520 00:21:29,230 --> 00:21:30,830 That's so nice! 521 00:21:30,900 --> 00:21:31,970 What is that? 522 00:21:32,030 --> 00:21:34,000 - Don't start crying. - Come on. 523 00:21:34,070 --> 00:21:35,440 It's cool. It's very, very cool. 524 00:21:35,500 --> 00:21:36,700 Come on, Jess. Come on. 525 00:21:36,770 --> 00:21:38,140 - Please-- - Stop it! 526 00:21:39,310 --> 00:21:42,010 It's okay. Hey, don't cry. 527 00:21:42,080 --> 00:21:46,600 For I've had the time of my life 528 00:21:47,250 --> 00:21:47,930 What is he doing? 529 00:21:47,931 --> 00:21:51,090 And I've never felt this way before 530 00:21:51,150 --> 00:21:53,920 Yes, it's true 531 00:21:55,790 --> 00:21:57,530 And it's something something something 532 00:21:57,590 --> 00:22:01,200 There's bears in my house 533 00:22:01,260 --> 00:22:03,230 And it's the song that makes you really, really happy 534 00:22:03,300 --> 00:22:04,830 I'm not, uh, I'm not participating in this. 535 00:22:04,900 --> 00:22:07,000 Just remember 536 00:22:07,070 --> 00:22:09,800 You're the one thing 537 00:22:10,810 --> 00:22:13,880 I can't get enough of 538 00:22:15,702 --> 00:22:18,510 And I'll tell you something 539 00:22:18,580 --> 00:22:22,290 This could be love, because 540 00:22:23,090 --> 00:22:25,420 - I've had. - Had 541 00:22:25,490 --> 00:22:27,720 The time of my life 542 00:22:27,790 --> 00:22:30,260 And I owe it all to you 543 00:22:30,330 --> 00:22:31,530 Come on! What time is it?! 544 00:22:31,590 --> 00:22:34,346 The time of my life 545 00:22:37,030 --> 00:22:39,101 You have to leave... now. All of you. 546 00:22:56,320 --> 00:22:59,320 You're right, Jess. This movie's pretty good. 547 00:23:00,820 --> 00:23:02,860 Seriously, thank you, guys, so much for tonight. 548 00:23:02,930 --> 00:23:04,630 That was really cool. 549 00:23:08,430 --> 00:23:11,030 Listen, Jess, I know you've had a really rough go of it, 550 00:23:11,100 --> 00:23:13,860 and... I just want you to know that... 551 00:23:15,240 --> 00:23:17,310 I mean, for me, at least, 552 00:23:17,370 --> 00:23:19,770 n-no matter what... 553 00:23:19,840 --> 00:23:22,640 I would still totally do you. 554 00:23:22,710 --> 00:23:24,580 Oh, that's so sweet. 555 00:23:24,650 --> 00:23:26,310 Yeah. Absolutely. 556 00:23:26,380 --> 00:23:27,670 - Jar. - Yeah. Jar. 557 00:23:30,318 --> 00:23:34,156 Sync by YYeTs Correction by Mlmlte www.addic7ed.com