1
00:00:04,455 --> 00:00:06,230
$50 in the douche bag jar?

2
00:00:06,231 --> 00:00:07,973
Absolutely, man.
Yes, absolutely.

3
00:00:07,974 --> 00:00:09,930
Why so much?
I feel like it should actually be

4
00:00:09,931 --> 00:00:13,152
more in the 100, 200 range,
so that's a discount.

5
00:00:13,153 --> 00:00:15,769
Think about what
you did, Schmidt.

6
00:00:17,334 --> 00:00:18,621
I lost it.

7
00:00:18,990 --> 00:00:20,286
I lost the party bus.

8
00:00:20,287 --> 00:00:22,337
The party bus for
your birthday party?

9
00:00:22,338 --> 00:00:23,226
Yeah.

10
00:00:23,567 --> 00:00:24,535
Apparently,

11
00:00:24,536 --> 00:00:26,576
my business isn't as important

12
00:00:26,577 --> 00:00:29,294
as Frankie Muniz's.

13
00:00:29,295 --> 00:00:30,571
They canceled my rez.

14
00:00:30,572 --> 00:00:32,136
There's nothing I can
do; the party's off.

15
00:00:32,137 --> 00:00:34,216
You should torch them on Yelp.

16
00:00:34,398 --> 00:00:35,117
Actually, I can do it.

17
00:00:35,118 --> 00:00:37,350
I have an account under the
name Fantastic Jacques.

18
00:00:37,351 --> 00:00:38,389
He's a French diplomat

19
00:00:38,390 --> 00:00:39,758
with very little patience.

20
00:00:39,759 --> 00:00:42,488
Or you could just
get another bus.

21
00:00:42,489 --> 00:00:43,726
In two days?

22
00:00:44,191 --> 00:00:45,500
Okay, yeah, sure, Winston.

23
00:00:45,501 --> 00:00:47,669
W-Why don't I just go down
to the party bus store,

24
00:00:47,670 --> 00:00:51,115
where all the party buses have a
state-of-the-art sound system,

25
00:00:51,116 --> 00:00:53,509
a stripper pole, a love grotto,

26
00:00:53,510 --> 00:00:56,085
and a steering wheel in
the shape of a boob.

27
00:00:56,354 --> 00:00:57,944
You honk the nipple.

28
00:00:58,157 --> 00:00:59,095
It's pretty awesome.

29
00:00:59,096 --> 00:01:00,383
Just have the party at a bar.

30
00:01:00,384 --> 00:01:01,932
Nick, this is it.

31
00:01:01,940 --> 00:01:03,833
This is my 29th birthday party.

32
00:01:03,834 --> 00:01:05,383
This is the year. After this,

33
00:01:05,384 --> 00:01:09,800
I don't know, it's just...
just all darkness.

34
00:01:15,623 --> 00:01:17,060
Was he crying a little?

35
00:01:33,152 --> 00:01:38,394
Sync by YYeTs.net
Corrections by Alex1969
www.addic7ed.com

36
00:01:42,788 --> 00:01:44,829
Hey, I just came to
make sure you're okay.

37
00:01:45,945 --> 00:01:47,670
I'm not okay, Jess.

38
00:01:47,800 --> 00:01:49,291
I had to cancel my
birthday party.

39
00:01:49,292 --> 00:01:50,702
It's social suicide.

40
00:01:51,038 --> 00:01:53,048
I can feel my it
factor going away.

41
00:01:53,225 --> 00:01:54,726
And then what am I
gonna tell Benjamin?

42
00:01:57,060 --> 00:02:00,452
We have a very weird,
girl-style friendship

43
00:02:00,453 --> 00:02:02,604
where we kind of
hate each other.

44
00:02:02,682 --> 00:02:03,949
We're bronemies.

45
00:02:04,438 --> 00:02:05,320
He's my fremesis.

46
00:02:05,321 --> 00:02:06,684
I'm so confused right now.

47
00:02:06,685 --> 00:02:09,325
Okay, look, Benjamin and I--
we were suitemates in college.

48
00:02:09,326 --> 00:02:10,776
Benjamin, I can't
wait to get to L.A.

49
00:02:10,777 --> 00:02:12,155
We're going to
have so much sex--

50
00:02:12,156 --> 00:02:13,125
in the morning,

51
00:02:13,126 --> 00:02:14,482
in the afternoon,

52
00:02:14,483 --> 00:02:15,672
at bedtime.

53
00:02:15,728 --> 00:02:17,130
Mmm, peanuts.

54
00:02:17,187 --> 00:02:17,705
I'm telling you, man,

55
00:02:17,706 --> 00:02:20,083
I'm gonna run that town
one day. You'll see.

56
00:02:20,391 --> 00:02:22,679
I'm gonna write you a check
right now for $100 million.

57
00:02:22,680 --> 00:02:23,487
How do you like that?

58
00:02:23,488 --> 00:02:24,802
Damn, dude.

59
00:02:24,803 --> 00:02:26,187
And this is a real check.

60
00:02:26,545 --> 00:02:28,595
You can cash it when
I'm rich and awesome.

61
00:02:28,645 --> 00:02:30,035
Give me about four years.

62
00:02:30,036 --> 00:02:30,737
Do the song.

63
00:02:30,738 --> 00:02:32,685
♪ We built this Schmidty ♪

64
00:02:32,712 --> 00:02:37,541
♪ We built this Schmidty
on Tootsie Rolls ♪

65
00:02:38,839 --> 00:02:40,205
If it wasn't for Benjamin, I,

66
00:02:40,206 --> 00:02:42,651
I never would have become
a Los Angeles baller.

67
00:02:43,510 --> 00:02:44,498
Holla.

68
00:02:44,882 --> 00:02:46,386
I changed everything
about myself, Jess.

69
00:02:46,387 --> 00:02:48,617
I lost all the weight,
I changed my clothes,

70
00:02:48,618 --> 00:02:50,318
I even dropped my
voice half an octave,

71
00:02:50,319 --> 00:02:52,736
but it wasn't enough.

72
00:02:52,737 --> 00:02:54,680
I guess I'll just never
be cool enough, Jess.

73
00:02:58,356 --> 00:03:00,300
Okay, I've got it.

74
00:03:00,330 --> 00:03:02,309
We are going to throw Schmidt a birthday party.
No.

75
00:03:02,310 --> 00:03:05,037
Yes, 'cause it's his 29th
birthday and we care.

76
00:03:05,038 --> 00:03:07,457
Jess, Schmidt's world
is different than ours.

77
00:03:07,458 --> 00:03:08,760
They speak a different language.

78
00:03:08,761 --> 00:03:11,510
They shorten every
word to one syllable.

79
00:03:11,511 --> 00:03:14,162
Okay, he once called
an oven an "Ovs."

80
00:03:14,322 --> 00:03:16,756
He calls an airport "Airp."
He called ketchup "Ketch."

81
00:03:16,757 --> 00:03:19,015
Last month he went
to a party called

82
00:03:19,016 --> 00:03:21,576
Bros before Hos on the Moon.

83
00:03:21,577 --> 00:03:22,733
What does that even mean?

84
00:03:22,734 --> 00:03:24,854
And the dress code
was "Yacht flair."

85
00:03:24,906 --> 00:03:25,710
What?
Schmidt has a friend

86
00:03:25,711 --> 00:03:28,042
who legally changed his
middle name to Doin' It.

87
00:03:28,043 --> 00:03:30,210
Yeah, Doin' It.
Just one word: Doinit.

88
00:03:30,211 --> 00:03:33,417
You are not emotionally,
mentally,

89
00:03:33,418 --> 00:03:37,073
and spiritually prepared to
throw these d-bags a party.

90
00:03:37,074 --> 00:03:38,526
I'm gonna do some research.

91
00:03:38,527 --> 00:03:40,270
Actually, I'm sorry,
I do have to go.

92
00:03:40,271 --> 00:03:41,568
I apologize.
Where are you going?

93
00:03:41,569 --> 00:03:42,735
And why are you wearing
your jury duty pants?

94
00:03:42,736 --> 00:03:45,198
I'm not, man, I'm just--
mumble, mumble, mumble.

95
00:03:45,584 --> 00:03:47,637
Come on, it's a lawyer party...

96
00:03:47,638 --> 00:03:49,007
the classic fifth date.

97
00:03:49,008 --> 00:03:50,261
What are you talking about?

98
00:03:50,262 --> 00:03:51,674
I'm not gonna apologize for it.

99
00:03:51,675 --> 00:03:52,827
I got nothing to apologize for.

100
00:03:52,828 --> 00:03:55,105
I owe you nothing.
No, I'm having a really fun time.

101
00:03:55,106 --> 00:03:56,680
I love wearing a
Bill Cosby sweater

102
00:03:56,681 --> 00:03:58,554
in front of a bunch of lawyers
who are younger than me.

103
00:03:58,555 --> 00:04:00,796
Hello, I'm Bill Cosby,
do you like pudding?

104
00:04:00,797 --> 00:04:04,066
My son's name is Theo and his
best friend is Cockroach.

105
00:04:04,067 --> 00:04:04,880
That supposed to be Bill Cosby?

106
00:04:04,881 --> 00:04:06,511
Yeah.
That's as good as I can do.

107
00:04:06,512 --> 00:04:07,497
Let's see yours.
Would you like to hear

108
00:04:07,498 --> 00:04:08,396
how he really sounds?
Yes.

109
00:04:08,397 --> 00:04:10,791
I want to get
some more pudding.

110
00:04:10,792 --> 00:04:12,933
That's the worst Bill Co...
How about this?

111
00:04:12,934 --> 00:04:15,004
I got a daughter
named Rudy Huxtable,

112
00:04:15,005 --> 00:04:17,757
and she's the cutest
of all my daughters.

113
00:04:18,260 --> 00:04:20,049
I'm really glad that
you're here with me.

114
00:04:20,131 --> 00:04:21,692
Yeah, I'm happy you let
me be here with you.

115
00:04:21,693 --> 00:04:22,929
No, I really am because

116
00:04:22,930 --> 00:04:24,380
I got to, like,
kiss all the asses

117
00:04:24,381 --> 00:04:26,600
of these 24-year-old
law students

118
00:04:26,601 --> 00:04:27,979
to try to get 'em to work here.

119
00:04:27,980 --> 00:04:29,367
I went to law school.

120
00:04:29,438 --> 00:04:31,123
You went to law school?
Yes.

121
00:04:31,253 --> 00:04:33,236
I quit. Yes.
Quit law school-- why?

122
00:04:33,237 --> 00:04:35,378
Because I realized
I hated lawyers.

123
00:04:35,650 --> 00:04:37,670
He says to the lawyer.

124
00:04:37,839 --> 00:04:39,203
And for some reason I find you

125
00:04:39,204 --> 00:04:41,548
ridiculously attractive
for saying that.

126
00:04:41,549 --> 00:04:43,466
Why don't you kiss my ass, then?

127
00:04:46,997 --> 00:04:48,570
Look, Julia, I got
turned around.

128
00:04:48,571 --> 00:04:50,091
I thought we were doing a
flirty back-and-forth...

129
00:04:50,092 --> 00:04:50,723
I'm actually just kidding.

130
00:04:50,724 --> 00:04:52,163
I really do want to do that.

131
00:04:52,164 --> 00:04:53,552
Oh, you would?

132
00:04:53,553 --> 00:04:54,855
Well, we can make that happen.

133
00:04:54,856 --> 00:04:56,165
Great.
Let's go.

134
00:04:56,166 --> 00:04:56,986
Let's go to your place.

135
00:04:56,987 --> 00:04:58,169
Want to go to your place?

136
00:04:58,170 --> 00:04:59,321
Do you mind?

137
00:04:59,648 --> 00:05:01,642
Are you married or what?

138
00:05:01,643 --> 00:05:04,376
No, no, no, n-no, no, no,
n-no, I'm not married.

139
00:05:04,377 --> 00:05:06,394
I am the opposite of married.

140
00:05:06,395 --> 00:05:07,932
Before you, there was like,
there was like nothing.

141
00:05:07,933 --> 00:05:10,155
I've got, like, no
girls on the horizon.

142
00:05:11,013 --> 00:05:12,371
In a hot way.

143
00:05:13,161 --> 00:05:15,710
Why don't you ever
invite me to your place

144
00:05:15,711 --> 00:05:18,717
or, like, tell me all
that much about yourself?

145
00:05:18,718 --> 00:05:20,942
It's weird-- I don't even
know where you live.

146
00:05:21,153 --> 00:05:21,991
I'm 30 years old,

147
00:05:21,992 --> 00:05:24,654
and I live in a loft
with three roommates.

148
00:05:26,574 --> 00:05:27,846
In a hot way.

149
00:05:28,764 --> 00:05:32,370
But maybe you can kiss my butt
when I talk like Bill Cosby.

150
00:05:32,371 --> 00:05:33,031
All right, let's go.

151
00:05:33,032 --> 00:05:34,137
Is that going to work?
Uh-huh.

152
00:05:34,138 --> 00:05:36,140
Wow, weird stuff works with you.

153
00:05:37,143 --> 00:05:40,790
Hi, yes, I'd like to order
a last-minute stripper.

154
00:05:41,372 --> 00:05:45,086
Oh, um, preferably
of Asian heritage,

155
00:05:45,087 --> 00:05:47,828
very bendy, with a heart of gold

156
00:05:47,829 --> 00:05:50,937
and a crotch of gold.

157
00:05:51,757 --> 00:05:52,765
Mm-hmm, yeah, I'll hold.

158
00:05:52,766 --> 00:05:54,147
Hey, Jess, Winston, this is Julia.
Oh.

159
00:05:54,148 --> 00:05:55,385
Hi.
We're just saying hi.

160
00:05:55,386 --> 00:05:56,705
Nice to meet you guys.

161
00:05:56,706 --> 00:05:58,568
Welcome to our home.
Hold on one second.

162
00:05:58,569 --> 00:06:00,720
We're doing a surprise
party for Schmidt.

163
00:06:00,721 --> 00:06:02,533
Who is that?
Oh, I didn't tell you about Schmidt?

164
00:06:02,534 --> 00:06:04,299
No.
That's our other roommate.

165
00:06:04,300 --> 00:06:05,815
Other roommate.
You know what? You should come.

166
00:06:05,816 --> 00:06:07,860
It's on Saturday.
Yes. Cool, yeah.

167
00:06:07,861 --> 00:06:10,038
You should stay as far from
that party as possible.

168
00:06:10,039 --> 00:06:11,393
Is it like a presents thing

169
00:06:11,394 --> 00:06:15,427
or more like a donations
to charity situation?

170
00:06:15,643 --> 00:06:16,926
No?
Just bring yourself.

171
00:06:16,927 --> 00:06:18,621
Do you want to head to my
room for a little bit?

172
00:06:18,622 --> 00:06:20,323
Give you the rest of the
tour around the place.

173
00:06:20,324 --> 00:06:22,593
Great, yeah.
Great. Bye.

174
00:06:22,594 --> 00:06:23,545
Bye.

175
00:06:23,546 --> 00:06:25,281
Hold on one second.

176
00:06:25,441 --> 00:06:27,295
Hey, Winston, why'd you do that?

177
00:06:27,296 --> 00:06:28,772
Are you hiding her from us?

178
00:06:28,794 --> 00:06:30,515
Like, are you ashamed
of your friends?

179
00:06:30,516 --> 00:06:32,403
100%, and you're not
my friend right now.

180
00:06:32,404 --> 00:06:33,637
You're my enemy,
Winston, my enemy.

181
00:06:33,638 --> 00:06:34,961
Give me a kiss, give me a kiss.

182
00:06:34,962 --> 00:06:36,661
No, that's the problem.

183
00:06:36,687 --> 00:06:39,459
Thank you, Ms.
Phatbooty, you're the best.

184
00:06:40,924 --> 00:06:43,612
Yes, I just hired
my first stripper.

185
00:06:43,613 --> 00:06:45,038
Anything else I should get?

186
00:06:58,955 --> 00:07:00,756
Do you like jazz cigarettes?

187
00:07:03,525 --> 00:07:04,766
Hi, Tanya.

188
00:07:05,883 --> 00:07:06,818
Patti told me that...

189
00:07:06,819 --> 00:07:09,437
Patti told you to break in
my office to look for drugs?

190
00:07:12,157 --> 00:07:14,484
Hey, JK kidding, JK kidding.

191
00:07:14,485 --> 00:07:16,067
You can do whatever you want.

192
00:07:16,893 --> 00:07:19,559
I didn't know you liked to shop
at the Confiscation Station.

193
00:07:20,124 --> 00:07:23,257
So what are you
looking for-- grass?

194
00:07:23,366 --> 00:07:25,355
'Cause I can do a locker
search on Monday.

195
00:07:25,447 --> 00:07:26,750
Monday's too late because...

196
00:07:26,751 --> 00:07:30,279
Oh, so what do you got
cooking this weekend, huh?

197
00:07:30,705 --> 00:07:32,376
You have to tell
me; I'm your boss.

198
00:07:32,377 --> 00:07:34,400
What is it, a list
thing, Paperless Post?

199
00:07:34,796 --> 00:07:35,978
I'm free Friday,

200
00:07:36,014 --> 00:07:38,018
but I can also make
Saturday or Sunday work.

201
00:07:39,976 --> 00:07:40,931
Jess, what are you doing?

202
00:07:40,932 --> 00:07:42,701
I'm making an egg
yellows omelet.

203
00:07:42,702 --> 00:07:44,607
The shallots and gouda
are going to congeal.

204
00:07:44,608 --> 00:07:45,351
I can't-- what is this?

205
00:07:45,352 --> 00:07:48,122
Happy birthday!

206
00:07:48,123 --> 00:07:49,670
It's a party bus.

207
00:07:49,747 --> 00:07:51,615
I'm so excited.

208
00:07:56,460 --> 00:07:59,993
Whoa, Jess, you really
did all this for me?

209
00:08:01,787 --> 00:08:03,670
Okay, so...

210
00:08:03,763 --> 00:08:05,920
over here is kosher
yogurt and honey.

211
00:08:05,921 --> 00:08:08,216
Kosher yoge?
We got some condoms over here--

212
00:08:08,217 --> 00:08:09,379
small, medium, large,

213
00:08:09,380 --> 00:08:10,216
whatever your preference.
Well, I would use...

214
00:08:10,217 --> 00:08:11,414
I don't want to know.

215
00:08:11,415 --> 00:08:13,179
And the R-rated
section in the back

216
00:08:13,180 --> 00:08:15,311
with the stripper pole.

217
00:08:15,312 --> 00:08:17,213
It's normally used
for stability,

218
00:08:17,214 --> 00:08:18,657
but tonight it's
going to be used

219
00:08:18,658 --> 00:08:21,547
for $50 worth of seminudity.

220
00:08:21,548 --> 00:08:23,790
Coincidentally, I'm wearing
my lap dance pants.

221
00:08:24,236 --> 00:08:25,601
This is, like, your world, huh?

222
00:08:25,602 --> 00:08:26,766
No...
It is.

223
00:08:26,767 --> 00:08:29,220
It's you in your natural
habitat, it's fascinating.

224
00:08:29,221 --> 00:08:31,325
I'm just here for Schmidt.
I don't know any of these people.

225
00:08:31,326 --> 00:08:33,615
Nicholas, what's up, N-word?

226
00:08:33,616 --> 00:08:34,773
Don't call me "N-word."

227
00:08:34,774 --> 00:08:35,740
I don't know this guy.

228
00:08:35,741 --> 00:08:37,324
How's your family in Chicago?

229
00:08:37,855 --> 00:08:39,301
Really good, thanks for
asking, they're all healthy.

230
00:08:39,302 --> 00:08:40,498
That's good.

231
00:08:41,877 --> 00:08:45,820
Oh, look at this big old
pile of birthday Schmidt.

232
00:08:46,469 --> 00:08:48,162
Hey, do you mind if I get a
ride on your school bus?

233
00:08:48,163 --> 00:08:50,153
I don't want to be
late for first period.

234
00:08:52,285 --> 00:08:55,058
Why you got to do me
like that, Been-ja-meen?

235
00:08:55,860 --> 00:08:57,268
What's up, boys?
What up?

236
00:08:57,269 --> 00:08:58,982
Why don't you sing us
your birthday song?

237
00:08:58,983 --> 00:09:00,417
Oh, you have a birthday song?

238
00:09:00,418 --> 00:09:02,135
All right, all right,
guys, come on.

239
00:09:02,136 --> 00:09:03,616
Sing it, come on.

240
00:09:03,617 --> 00:09:05,643
♪ We built this Schmidty ♪

241
00:09:05,644 --> 00:09:07,383
♪ We built this Schmidty ♪

242
00:09:07,384 --> 00:09:11,246
♪ On rock... ♪
♪ On Tootsie Rolls ♪

243
00:09:11,247 --> 00:09:12,185
Is that the lyrics?

244
00:09:12,186 --> 00:09:13,699
Yeah, we used to
make him sing that

245
00:09:13,700 --> 00:09:15,291
because he was fat.

246
00:09:16,213 --> 00:09:17,335
You know I'm just
playing at you.

247
00:09:17,336 --> 00:09:19,405
Yeah, hilarity,
my man, hilarity.

248
00:09:19,406 --> 00:09:20,870
Yeah, come on, man.

249
00:09:20,983 --> 00:09:22,382
You really live
with that guy, huh?

250
00:09:22,383 --> 00:09:23,432
Yeah, I really do.

251
00:09:23,433 --> 00:09:26,486
Does he, like, tuck his
shiny jeans into boots

252
00:09:26,487 --> 00:09:27,487
when he goes out at night?

253
00:09:27,488 --> 00:09:30,308
You know, the truth is, I
met Schmidt a long time ago

254
00:09:30,309 --> 00:09:31,214
when we were in college

255
00:09:31,215 --> 00:09:33,836
and he was this sweet,
chubby communications major

256
00:09:33,837 --> 00:09:35,187
who wore cargo shorts and...
Yeah.

257
00:09:35,188 --> 00:09:36,601
I'm actually just
messing with you.

258
00:09:36,602 --> 00:09:38,492
Seriously, I think all
of your friends seem

259
00:09:38,493 --> 00:09:42,705
completely awesome and
nice and fun, so relax.

260
00:09:42,706 --> 00:09:43,564
You don't have to say that.

261
00:09:43,565 --> 00:09:44,599
They're my friends--
you can tease 'em.

262
00:09:44,600 --> 00:09:45,411
I don't want to tease them.

263
00:09:45,412 --> 00:09:46,766
I tease them all the
time, they don't care.

264
00:09:46,767 --> 00:09:47,877
Schmidt's a d-bag,

265
00:09:47,878 --> 00:09:49,024
you know, but, like,
not in a bad way,

266
00:09:49,025 --> 00:09:51,161
and, like, Jess is a total nut.

267
00:09:51,162 --> 00:09:55,001
Oh...
And Winston is like this competitive maniac

268
00:09:55,002 --> 00:09:57,743
who loves Sister, Sister and
he's, like, afraid of thunder.

269
00:09:57,744 --> 00:09:59,336
But I'm the voice of re...
Behind you, he's behind you,

270
00:09:59,337 --> 00:10:00,419
he's behind you.
Right now he is?

271
00:10:00,420 --> 00:10:01,575
Currently.

272
00:10:02,270 --> 00:10:03,920
And he's also one
of my best friends.

273
00:10:04,186 --> 00:10:05,451
Oh, no, keep going.

274
00:10:06,665 --> 00:10:07,198
You want to go on the bus?

275
00:10:07,199 --> 00:10:08,488
Yeah, let's go on the bus.

276
00:10:10,126 --> 00:10:11,285
I'm really sorry, man,
I was just saying that

277
00:10:11,286 --> 00:10:11,894
to show off for her.
Oh, no,

278
00:10:11,895 --> 00:10:13,203
man, I am bringing you down.

279
00:10:13,204 --> 00:10:14,578
Don't bring me down.

280
00:10:16,581 --> 00:10:17,254
Bro juice?

281
00:10:17,255 --> 00:10:18,778
Vodka pom, right?

282
00:10:18,887 --> 00:10:20,993
Winston said it was a tradish.

283
00:10:20,994 --> 00:10:22,459
Look, Benjamin's smiling.

284
00:10:22,604 --> 00:10:23,996
Jess, you did so good.

285
00:10:24,907 --> 00:10:26,989
Is this stripper
pole weight-bearing?

286
00:10:26,990 --> 00:10:30,633
Looks like some pretty shoddy
workmanship on the cap flange.

287
00:10:30,634 --> 00:10:33,477
Can I help you?
Martin Fuller, GrindPalace.com.

288
00:10:33,478 --> 00:10:34,623
Hi, I'm Jessica Day.

289
00:10:34,624 --> 00:10:37,045
I spoke with your supervisor
on the telephone.

290
00:10:37,046 --> 00:10:40,285
Um, are you bringing
the stripper?

291
00:10:40,286 --> 00:10:42,656
'Cause I really wanted
to see her jugs first,

292
00:10:42,657 --> 00:10:46,432
you know, just so...
um, I do right by my bro.

293
00:10:46,433 --> 00:10:48,161
We have a little miscommunicado.

294
00:10:48,162 --> 00:10:49,395
Did you make the call?

295
00:10:49,396 --> 00:10:52,099
Because if they hear a woman's
voice, then they send me.

296
00:10:52,246 --> 00:10:53,925
I'm your stripper, folks.

297
00:10:53,984 --> 00:10:55,857
Hey, need to clear this aisle.

298
00:10:55,858 --> 00:10:57,500
I got to have a perimeter.
It's a joke-- no.

299
00:10:57,501 --> 00:10:59,558
Please, please, please, no, you can't.
Are you the birthday boy?

300
00:10:59,559 --> 00:11:00,254
I am the birthday boy.

301
00:11:00,255 --> 00:11:01,008
You are going to love it.

302
00:11:01,009 --> 00:11:02,408
I do wet towel tricks.

303
00:11:02,409 --> 00:11:03,679
Nobody likes wet towel tricks.
No, he does not love wet towel tricks.

304
00:11:03,680 --> 00:11:05,383
I don't judge, pal.
I just want to have fun.

305
00:11:05,384 --> 00:11:06,876
We're not... No.
Sir, you are not gonna...

306
00:11:06,877 --> 00:11:10,090
I don't want to be rude,
but, uh, times are hard.

307
00:11:10,091 --> 00:11:11,196
It is Saturday night,

308
00:11:11,197 --> 00:11:13,046
so if I get hired to
take my clothes off,

309
00:11:13,047 --> 00:11:14,247
I'm gonna get naked.

310
00:11:14,248 --> 00:11:16,004
So, I'll just put
my gym bag down,

311
00:11:16,005 --> 00:11:17,392
and I'll take my pants off.

312
00:11:17,393 --> 00:11:19,229
No, no, I'll handle it.

313
00:11:20,074 --> 00:11:21,084
Hey.

314
00:11:21,882 --> 00:11:24,167
Hey, Mr. Fuller.

315
00:11:24,494 --> 00:11:25,714
Mr. Fuller.

316
00:11:26,136 --> 00:11:26,944
Mr. Fuller? Oh, no.

317
00:11:26,945 --> 00:11:28,654
It's getting a little nippy out.

318
00:11:28,671 --> 00:11:30,734
Not a good time to
start turtling.

319
00:11:31,246 --> 00:11:32,081
Come on. Jess, make it stop.

320
00:11:32,082 --> 00:11:33,363
I'm gonna pay you...

321
00:11:34,362 --> 00:11:38,657
$50 to never show us your penis.

322
00:11:38,658 --> 00:11:40,023
But what about tips?

323
00:11:40,186 --> 00:11:41,256
I make my living on tips.

324
00:11:41,257 --> 00:11:43,890
Well, can you do anything
else for the money?

325
00:11:44,102 --> 00:11:48,280
I'm a baritone at my gospel
choir at First Presbyterian.

326
00:11:50,760 --> 00:11:53,111
Everybody, everybody...

327
00:11:53,472 --> 00:11:54,187
hey!

328
00:11:54,188 --> 00:11:56,253
Welcome to Schmidt's 29th!

329
00:11:59,217 --> 00:12:01,491
Safety is of the
utmost importance,

330
00:12:01,492 --> 00:12:03,183
so the person
sitting next to you

331
00:12:03,184 --> 00:12:05,190
is gonna be your bus
buddy for the night.

332
00:12:05,191 --> 00:12:06,684
Any time you're up and about,

333
00:12:06,685 --> 00:12:08,513
please wear one of
these fashion helmets.

334
00:12:08,514 --> 00:12:09,912
And I brought drugs.

335
00:12:09,977 --> 00:12:13,274
Tanya has half a pot cookie,
so maybe she'll share.

336
00:12:13,593 --> 00:12:16,040
Okay, everybody, have fun!

337
00:12:16,041 --> 00:12:17,604
Martin, sing us out.

338
00:12:17,605 --> 00:12:19,453
♪ Oh, when he comes ♪

339
00:12:19,788 --> 00:12:21,995
♪ Oh, when he comes ♪

340
00:12:21,996 --> 00:12:24,108
♪ He's gonna come for you ♪

341
00:12:24,109 --> 00:12:26,650
No stripping!
♪ Oh, sweet salvation! ♪

342
00:12:26,651 --> 00:12:28,927
♪ Oh, when he comes... ♪

343
00:12:31,444 --> 00:12:34,694
$50. I've never put $50
in the douche bag jar.

344
00:12:34,695 --> 00:12:37,352
Well, that's really impressive,
Schmidt, considering.

345
00:12:38,762 --> 00:12:40,991
Someone's personalized condoms
just came in the mail.

346
00:12:40,992 --> 00:12:43,623
Hey! Jar! $20.

347
00:12:45,121 --> 00:12:45,783
Winston, did you know

348
00:12:45,784 --> 00:12:48,552
that NWA didn't stand
for "Never Walk Alone"?

349
00:12:48,553 --> 00:12:50,322
$30. Jar.

350
00:12:52,116 --> 00:12:53,228
Hey, man.

351
00:12:53,330 --> 00:12:55,858
No! Jar, Schmidt.

352
00:12:55,859 --> 00:12:57,861
Jar!
What?

353
00:12:57,962 --> 00:13:01,131
Somehow, Schmidt, you've
outdone yourself this time.

354
00:13:01,132 --> 00:13:02,620
It was my birthday.

355
00:13:03,846 --> 00:13:06,035
I was very drunk.

356
00:13:07,762 --> 00:13:10,935
All right, everybody,
I think we need to take a shot.

357
00:13:10,951 --> 00:13:13,741
A little bro-juice
shot for Benjamin!

358
00:13:13,742 --> 00:13:14,589
What?

359
00:13:14,590 --> 00:13:16,567
For Benjamin is a true...

360
00:13:17,613 --> 00:13:18,137
I'm the king!

361
00:13:18,138 --> 00:13:20,331
Winston and Nick, come
and get your bro juice!

362
00:13:20,345 --> 00:13:21,899
Because he is
the birthday bro.

363
00:13:21,916 --> 00:13:23,077
Bro juice!

364
00:13:23,078 --> 00:13:25,112
Bro juice! Bro juice!

365
00:13:25,113 --> 00:13:25,852
Bro juice?

366
00:13:25,853 --> 00:13:27,061
I have no idea.

367
00:13:27,062 --> 00:13:28,510
Really?
Yeah.

368
00:13:28,511 --> 00:13:30,806
Nick Miller invented bro juice

369
00:13:30,807 --> 00:13:32,847
on Schmidt's
twenty-second birthday.

370
00:13:32,848 --> 00:13:34,456
Remember that?
Bro juice.

371
00:13:34,457 --> 00:13:36,512
Bro juice! Bro juice!

372
00:13:36,513 --> 00:13:39,803
Get over here for
your bro juice!

373
00:13:44,202 --> 00:13:46,050
This is not gonna be attractive.

374
00:13:48,620 --> 00:13:49,778
Oh, yeah!

375
00:13:49,779 --> 00:13:52,957
You know, we're way too old for this, don't you?
Oh, definitely.

376
00:13:53,458 --> 00:13:54,843
Happy birthday, brother.

377
00:13:57,603 --> 00:13:59,752
Yeah!
Happy birthday, Schmidty!

378
00:14:03,626 --> 00:14:04,967
Yeah!

379
00:14:05,029 --> 00:14:06,108
Bro juice!

380
00:14:06,109 --> 00:14:07,949
Bro juice!

381
00:14:08,289 --> 00:14:11,018
When I say "Par," you say "Tay."

382
00:14:11,019 --> 00:14:12,152
Par.
Tay.

383
00:14:12,153 --> 00:14:13,363
Par.
Tay!

384
00:14:13,364 --> 00:14:15,481
Holla!

385
00:14:16,819 --> 00:14:18,153
What am I doing?

386
00:14:18,624 --> 00:14:20,048
It makes you think, huh?

387
00:14:20,853 --> 00:14:22,863
Twenties-- they're
almost over, man.

388
00:14:22,899 --> 00:14:24,390
It's crazy.
Are you hitting that?

389
00:14:24,391 --> 00:14:25,892
Jess? No.
Yeah.

390
00:14:25,893 --> 00:14:27,800
Well, then I think
I'll help myself.

391
00:14:28,479 --> 00:14:30,373
To sex... with your friend.

392
00:14:30,374 --> 00:14:31,618
No, no, no, Benjamin, you can't.

393
00:14:31,619 --> 00:14:32,611
Not with Jess. Please don't.

394
00:14:32,612 --> 00:14:34,838
Well, I can. I can, and I will.

395
00:14:39,495 --> 00:14:40,963
Good evening, night owls.

396
00:14:40,964 --> 00:14:43,851
It's about to get
bubonic in here,

397
00:14:43,852 --> 00:14:45,849
for tonight, we're going to...

398
00:14:46,406 --> 00:14:48,101
The Plague.

399
00:14:48,648 --> 00:14:50,776
Sorry. Just... it's just Plague.

400
00:14:50,903 --> 00:14:52,606
It's a discotheque.

401
00:14:53,439 --> 00:14:54,513
We'll be going there next.

402
00:14:54,514 --> 00:14:56,237
Whose list are you on?
Tristan's?

403
00:14:56,238 --> 00:14:58,415
Isn't it just like a
bar or something?

404
00:15:01,150 --> 00:15:03,179
What do you pull down
a year in the game?

405
00:15:03,180 --> 00:15:05,036
Ever since I started
doing full frontal,

406
00:15:05,037 --> 00:15:07,711
I pull down seven K a year easy.

407
00:15:07,920 --> 00:15:09,660
Why? You interested in the life?

408
00:15:09,680 --> 00:15:12,186
Me? A male stripper?
Come on. You're too kind.

409
00:15:12,187 --> 00:15:15,269
But you know, theoretically, if
I were to get into the game,

410
00:15:15,270 --> 00:15:19,364
you know, what are they looking
for in the gator department?

411
00:15:19,365 --> 00:15:21,119
You know what I mean?
Or is it just moving so fast

412
00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:22,680
that it doesn't really matter?

413
00:15:23,100 --> 00:15:26,475
It's all about storytelling,
taking 'em on a journey.

414
00:15:26,617 --> 00:15:28,201
Let me ask you some basics.

415
00:15:28,202 --> 00:15:31,818
When you thrust, what's your
range of motion, side-to-side?

416
00:15:32,821 --> 00:15:34,120
Well, left-- right-right.

417
00:15:34,121 --> 00:15:35,433
What about your testicles?

418
00:15:35,434 --> 00:15:36,944
Are they more or
less symmetrical?

419
00:15:36,945 --> 00:15:41,277
Size-- yes, location-- no.

420
00:15:41,278 --> 00:15:42,224
What about your persona?

421
00:15:42,225 --> 00:15:44,530
What? Fireman or a cop?

422
00:15:44,531 --> 00:15:46,227
I didn't ask you your character.

423
00:15:46,228 --> 00:15:47,410
Your persona.

424
00:15:47,411 --> 00:15:49,397
I'm a Wolf-Hawk. What are you?

425
00:15:49,398 --> 00:15:51,428
Luxury. Dessert.

426
00:15:52,178 --> 00:15:53,984
I'm a warrior poet, man.

427
00:15:53,985 --> 00:15:55,398
That's it.

428
00:15:55,718 --> 00:15:57,416
Got a number for you to call.

429
00:15:58,265 --> 00:15:59,867
You ever hook up
with the ladies?

430
00:16:00,347 --> 00:16:03,868
It's ladies, like, one out
of ten times at most.

431
00:16:04,049 --> 00:16:05,189
You're dancing for dudes?

432
00:16:05,190 --> 00:16:07,075
Yeah, I'm dancing for dudes.

433
00:16:08,029 --> 00:16:09,775
All right, I'm sorry, okay?

434
00:16:09,776 --> 00:16:11,823
You're so quiet.
You're having a terrible time.

435
00:16:11,824 --> 00:16:14,613
I don't mean to be.
I'm probably just intimidated.

436
00:16:14,614 --> 00:16:17,066
I'm sitting right next to
the inventor of bro juice.

437
00:16:17,067 --> 00:16:19,608
I get it, okay?
That's... I'm gonna brag about that.

438
00:16:19,609 --> 00:16:22,086
I did.
I invented bro juice, okay?

439
00:16:22,087 --> 00:16:23,831
And now you want... You're done.
What?!

440
00:16:23,832 --> 00:16:26,747
I get it. When we get off the
bus, it's over, I blew it.

441
00:16:26,748 --> 00:16:29,237
It's ridiculous.
I don't care about any of it.

442
00:16:29,238 --> 00:16:31,072
I really don't.
Everyone's got embarrassing stuff.

443
00:16:31,073 --> 00:16:34,664
I mean, I have stuff that
you don't know about.

444
00:16:34,665 --> 00:16:35,651
Like what?

445
00:16:35,662 --> 00:16:37,696
Just don't lie to
me about stuff,

446
00:16:37,697 --> 00:16:39,648
and we'll be fine.
Fine.

447
00:16:39,649 --> 00:16:41,894
When I work out, which isn't often,
Uh-huh.

448
00:16:41,895 --> 00:16:43,974
I listen to Huey Lewis
because it pumps me up.

449
00:16:43,975 --> 00:16:45,990
Not ironically.
Want to hear something else?

450
00:16:45,991 --> 00:16:48,437
Okay.
I don't believe dinosaurs existed.

451
00:16:48,438 --> 00:16:50,170
I've seen the science.
I don't believe it.

452
00:16:50,171 --> 00:16:50,912
Want to hear something else?

453
00:16:50,913 --> 00:16:52,503
No, I think I'm good.
And I believe you,

454
00:16:52,504 --> 00:16:54,714
and I appreciate all
of this truth-telling.

455
00:16:54,715 --> 00:16:56,517
I don't think you have stuff.

456
00:16:57,325 --> 00:16:58,372
All right.

457
00:16:58,373 --> 00:16:59,926
You're just perfect.

458
00:17:00,186 --> 00:17:01,840
Uh... yeah.

459
00:17:02,487 --> 00:17:04,613
Hey. Scootch.
Oh.

460
00:17:05,015 --> 00:17:06,156
Oh, yeah.
Okay.

461
00:17:06,157 --> 00:17:07,974
So, I texted Tristan.

462
00:17:07,975 --> 00:17:09,560
Oh, o-okay.

463
00:17:09,786 --> 00:17:11,121
He said he could get
us into Plague.

464
00:17:11,122 --> 00:17:13,576
Oh, that's-that's terrific.
Yeah.

465
00:17:13,577 --> 00:17:15,983
Thank you.
Well, just you and me, of course.

466
00:17:15,984 --> 00:17:19,322
So why don't you ditch that
zero and get with the hero?

467
00:17:19,387 --> 00:17:21,021
The hero is my penis.

468
00:17:21,022 --> 00:17:23,292
Oh. Uh... no.

469
00:17:23,919 --> 00:17:25,138
Am I bad?
No.

470
00:17:25,489 --> 00:17:26,939
Hey, Benjamin.

471
00:17:26,964 --> 00:17:28,395
Just leave her alone, man.

472
00:17:30,556 --> 00:17:33,292
Schmidt, your party
is slugs, bro.

473
00:17:35,451 --> 00:17:36,128
All right, you know what?

474
00:17:36,129 --> 00:17:39,443
Schmidt, this party... is the worst.
No, man.

475
00:17:39,444 --> 00:17:41,225
This party is badass, all right?

476
00:17:41,226 --> 00:17:42,403
Don't act like I didn't
see you over there

477
00:17:42,404 --> 00:17:45,510
eating on the charcut...
the charcut... the charcut?

478
00:17:45,511 --> 00:17:46,278
Charcuterie. Charcuterie.

479
00:17:46,279 --> 00:17:47,438
Charcuterie.
Don't act like I didn't see you

480
00:17:47,439 --> 00:17:49,859
eating the charcut...
Charcuterie. Charcuterie...

481
00:17:49,860 --> 00:17:51,194
Hey, you know what, Curly?

482
00:17:51,195 --> 00:17:53,257
You don't like the bus,
then get off it, pal.

483
00:17:53,258 --> 00:17:55,493
Schmidty's birthday, bud.
You guys suck.

484
00:17:55,494 --> 00:17:56,685
Let me talk to him for a sec.
I'm a lawyer.

485
00:17:56,686 --> 00:17:58,872
Can I have a word with him? Please.
She's a lawyer.

486
00:17:58,873 --> 00:18:00,740
Hi. Why don't you just
say that one more time?

487
00:18:00,741 --> 00:18:02,381
What? You guys suck?

488
00:18:07,837 --> 00:18:09,008
Whoa! Oh!

489
00:18:12,463 --> 00:18:14,207
Is everyone okay?

490
00:18:14,212 --> 00:18:16,007
Yes. No worries, Jess.

491
00:18:16,008 --> 00:18:17,515
Is everybody okay?

492
00:18:17,516 --> 00:18:18,576
What, are you nuts?

493
00:18:18,577 --> 00:18:19,728
Oh, God.

494
00:18:22,425 --> 00:18:24,119
Who are you?

495
00:18:31,557 --> 00:18:33,748
Tanya, please stop
flashing the driver.

496
00:18:33,940 --> 00:18:35,966
What, are you like the
Bourne Identity person?

497
00:18:36,379 --> 00:18:38,047
I've got these iss...

498
00:18:38,048 --> 00:18:40,723
like, these anger
management issues.

499
00:18:40,873 --> 00:18:41,818
Anger management?

500
00:18:41,819 --> 00:18:43,400
But I'm trying to fix it.

501
00:18:43,401 --> 00:18:44,578
I go to all these class...

502
00:18:44,579 --> 00:18:46,336
They're court-ordered
classes, but...

503
00:18:46,337 --> 00:18:47,545
And what was, like, all
this stuff you...?

504
00:18:47,546 --> 00:18:49,209
It's martial arts.

505
00:18:49,295 --> 00:18:51,061
I started doing martial arts,

506
00:18:51,297 --> 00:18:52,497
ironically, because I thought

507
00:18:52,498 --> 00:18:56,084
it would give me a little
bit more Zen in my life.

508
00:18:56,085 --> 00:18:58,295
You must be really
freaked out right now.

509
00:18:58,296 --> 00:19:00,538
Yes, I am really freaked out.

510
00:19:00,731 --> 00:19:01,832
I'm so sorry.

511
00:19:07,287 --> 00:19:09,362
I hate that I'm so turned on by
your craziness, but I, um...

512
00:19:09,363 --> 00:19:11,161
Go with it.
I'm going with it.

513
00:19:12,943 --> 00:19:14,394
You guys sure you're cool
waiting for the tow truck?

514
00:19:14,395 --> 00:19:16,446
Yeah, it's fine.
I'll see you back at the loft.

515
00:19:16,447 --> 00:19:18,441
Bye, guys. Happy birthday.
Thank you.

516
00:19:18,442 --> 00:19:19,854
Bye, Julia. Bye, Bro Juice.

517
00:19:19,855 --> 00:19:22,095
Thank you for that.
Bro-J, my man.

518
00:19:23,105 --> 00:19:24,372
So, it's my birthday.

519
00:19:24,464 --> 00:19:26,335
Right now?
Right now.

520
00:19:26,432 --> 00:19:28,301
Happy birthday.
Happy birthday, Schmidt.

521
00:19:28,302 --> 00:19:31,328
I'm 29, folks. What's up?

522
00:19:31,634 --> 00:19:33,101
29!

523
00:19:34,246 --> 00:19:35,870
29!

524
00:19:36,769 --> 00:19:37,940
Can you please not tell
anybody I just did that?

525
00:19:37,941 --> 00:19:39,656
That feels embarrassing.

526
00:19:39,657 --> 00:19:41,969
Actually, you know what?
I don't care what people think.

527
00:19:42,184 --> 00:19:44,372
Do you think I care too much
about what people think, Jess?

528
00:19:44,373 --> 00:19:45,714
Maybe a little bit.
Maybe.

529
00:19:47,883 --> 00:19:48,975
What? Did you have fun tonight?

530
00:19:48,976 --> 00:19:51,671
'Cause I know it was a little bit...
flawed.

531
00:19:52,484 --> 00:19:53,807
Jess, are you kidding me?

532
00:19:53,917 --> 00:19:57,838
Tonight was...
tens across the board.

533
00:19:58,837 --> 00:20:00,329
No splash.

534
00:20:00,857 --> 00:20:03,174
Good.
No. For real, I had...

535
00:20:04,142 --> 00:20:05,952
Nobody's ever done
that for me before.

536
00:20:06,869 --> 00:20:09,155
Any time, Schmidt. Any time.

537
00:20:14,281 --> 00:20:16,334
Schmidt, why are you
looking at me like that?

538
00:20:23,445 --> 00:20:24,672
Shh.

539
00:20:26,032 --> 00:20:28,651
'Cause you had...
you had fuzz on your face.

540
00:20:28,652 --> 00:20:30,619
No, no, because I thought...
Oh, my God.

541
00:20:30,717 --> 00:20:32,239
You had a piece of fuzz on...
Oh, my God! Jar.

542
00:20:32,244 --> 00:20:34,250
Schmidt!
You had a piece of fuzz, and...

543
00:20:34,251 --> 00:20:35,586
It was right there and just...

544
00:20:35,587 --> 00:20:37,122
Just put it in the jar, Schmidt.

545
00:20:37,123 --> 00:20:39,066
Yeah, come on.
No excuses, Schmidt.

546
00:20:39,067 --> 00:20:43,435
Okay. For you... for you guys.

547
00:20:49,224 --> 00:20:50,575
Happy birthday.

548
00:20:51,423 --> 00:20:52,135
29!

549
00:20:52,136 --> 00:20:53,179
Ten more.

550
00:20:54,058 --> 00:20:55,155
Sorry about that.

551
00:20:55,949 --> 00:20:58,716
Ah, Frankie Muniz.

552
00:21:00,483 --> 00:21:03,860
Ooh, Jess, I just found a
Groupon for hypnosis lessons.

553
00:21:04,100 --> 00:21:05,949
Think about what you
can do with that.

554
00:21:07,165 --> 00:21:08,920
Sex stuff.
Jar.

555
00:21:10,452 --> 00:21:13,315
Look, guys, has anyone seen my good pea coat?
Jar!

556
00:21:13,526 --> 00:21:16,126
Have you seen my sharkskin laptop sleeve?
Jar!

557
00:21:16,757 --> 00:21:19,916
Darn it!
Has anyone seen my croquet cleats?

558
00:21:20,157 --> 00:21:23,338
Hey, Jess, have you seen
my other timepiece?

559
00:21:24,749 --> 00:21:27,545
Nick, I came up with the best name
for an uncircumcised penis.

560
00:21:27,639 --> 00:21:29,725
Bishop in a turtleneck.
Yeah. Jar.

561
00:21:30,768 --> 00:21:34,237
Dammit! I can't find my driving
mocassins anywhere.

562
00:21:35,018 --> 00:21:39,424
Sync by YYeTs.net
Corrections by Alex1969
www.addic7ed.com