1
00:00:01,498 --> 00:00:04,123
Your sheets are so soft.

2
00:00:04,263 --> 00:00:06,678
They've actually been in my
family for almost 40 years.

3
00:00:06,718 --> 00:00:07,421
Wow!

4
00:00:07,465 --> 00:00:09,793
- If these old things could talk, huh?
- Ew.

5
00:00:09,903 --> 00:00:11,411
I was just trying to paint a picture.

6
00:00:11,478 --> 00:00:12,812
Read the room.

7
00:00:12,863 --> 00:00:14,697
Sheez.

8
00:00:16,316 --> 00:00:17,834
- Hey, Julia.
- Hey.

9
00:00:17,918 --> 00:00:20,370
It's so fun having
another girl around here.

10
00:00:20,454 --> 00:00:22,171
There are tampons hidden
all over the apartment.

11
00:00:23,874 --> 00:00:26,158
Ah! Damp towel! Damp!

12
00:00:26,210 --> 00:00:28,261
- Here we go...
- It's like a really big Wet-Nap.

13
00:00:28,728 --> 00:00:32,465
Ah. I feel like I'm being licked
by a golden retriever.

14
00:00:32,516 --> 00:00:34,133
Look at this bathroom.

15
00:00:34,184 --> 00:00:35,685
There should not be two
girls in this bathroom.

16
00:00:35,769 --> 00:00:38,337
You're too humid.
You make everything damp.

17
00:00:38,389 --> 00:00:40,189
80% of the products in here are yours.

18
00:00:40,274 --> 00:00:42,108
Blah, blah, blah, yawn, yes.

19
00:00:42,175 --> 00:00:43,976
I use sculpting chutney.

20
00:00:44,028 --> 00:00:47,012
Once I'm done with my chutney,
back in the row it goes.

21
00:00:47,064 --> 00:00:48,848
- Hair everywhere...
- Yo.

22
00:00:48,899 --> 00:00:50,850
The multicolored rubber bands.

23
00:00:50,901 --> 00:00:53,002
I'm fine with it.
It's all okay with me.

24
00:00:53,070 --> 00:00:55,138
But a damp towel
is where I draw the line.

25
00:00:55,205 --> 00:00:57,540
Sorry, so what are your
thoughts on damp towels?

26
00:00:57,624 --> 00:00:59,609
Oh, you'd better watch it,
Nick's Overnight Guest.

27
00:00:59,676 --> 00:01:01,144
- Julia.
- I know your name.

28
00:01:03,080 --> 00:01:05,613
- Are you flexing, right now?
- No.

29
00:01:05,707 --> 00:01:06,504
- Hey.
- Hey.

30
00:01:06,551 --> 00:01:08,037
So, I'm gonna just get ready
in your room.

31
00:01:08,038 --> 00:01:09,695
Sure. Feeling a little weird
and uncomfortable in here?

32
00:01:09,696 --> 00:01:11,398
Hey, Julia, I'll see you later tonight.

33
00:01:11,488 --> 00:01:13,022
Yeah. See you later.

34
00:01:13,090 --> 00:01:15,141
She's helping me get out
of a traffic ticket.

35
00:01:15,208 --> 00:01:17,093
Jess, are you seriously using
the girl I'm sleeping with

36
00:01:17,177 --> 00:01:18,828
for free legal advice?

37
00:01:18,896 --> 00:01:21,213
Oh, I'm sorry,
the girl you're sleeping with?

38
00:01:21,265 --> 00:01:22,999
I mean, you can't
call her your girlfriend?

39
00:01:23,067 --> 00:01:25,902
- We're not labeling it.
- Oh, you're not labeling it,

40
00:01:25,969 --> 00:01:27,520
'cause you're too sophisticated.

41
00:01:27,571 --> 00:01:29,005
Don't do your "sophisticated guy."

42
00:01:32,076 --> 00:01:34,877
♪ I'm too sophisticated. ♪

43
00:01:34,945 --> 00:01:38,164
♪ I don't believe in labeling. ♪

44
00:01:38,231 --> 00:01:40,270
- You gotta get laid, man.
- You gotta get laid, man.

45
00:01:40,318 --> 00:01:41,208
Yeah, I need to get laid.

46
00:01:41,224 --> 00:01:42,198
- This is bad.
- Get out of here.

47
00:01:42,199 --> 00:01:43,119
Mmm.

48
00:01:43,120 --> 00:01:45,705
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ <i>Who's that girl?</i> ♪

49
00:01:45,756 --> 00:01:47,423
♪ Who's that girl? ♪

50
00:01:47,491 --> 00:01:49,231
♪ <i>Who's that girl?</i> ♪
♪ It's Jess. ♪

51
00:01:50,161 --> 00:01:52,096
You know, maybe I should call Shelby.

52
00:01:52,163 --> 00:01:53,673
I haven't seen her since
I got back from Latvia.

53
00:01:53,720 --> 00:01:55,331
We did have an amazing time together.

54
00:01:55,399 --> 00:01:58,468
Whoo! That was amazing.

55
00:01:58,535 --> 00:02:01,521
- Yeah.
- All right, bye.

56
00:02:01,588 --> 00:02:02,872
I'm gonna call her.

57
00:02:02,956 --> 00:02:05,825
Yeah, over in Latvia

58
00:02:05,876 --> 00:02:08,261
they had this fermented milk
stuff that they drink.

59
00:02:08,328 --> 00:02:11,597
Whole country runs on this stuff.
Called mehkkk.

60
00:02:12,762 --> 00:02:14,848
Mehkkk was definitely
one of my biggest endorsements.

61
00:02:14,896 --> 00:02:16,092
I mean, I have a lot of endorsements,

62
00:02:16,107 --> 00:02:17,754
but that was probably
my biggest endorsement

63
00:02:17,821 --> 00:02:19,340
amongst other endorsements that I had.

64
00:02:19,364 --> 00:02:20,215
Wow.

65
00:02:20,257 --> 00:02:22,492
So, um... your place or mine?

66
00:02:26,196 --> 00:02:27,680
What are we laughing at?

67
00:02:27,731 --> 00:02:30,299
How much I'm not going
home with you tonight.

68
00:02:32,536 --> 00:02:35,988
You show up after two
years, out of the blue,

69
00:02:36,040 --> 00:02:37,940
and all you do is talk about yourself.

70
00:02:38,008 --> 00:02:40,376
You don't even let me
get a word in edgewise.

71
00:02:40,444 --> 00:02:42,945
Why did you agree to let me
take you out for drinks?

72
00:02:43,013 --> 00:02:45,364
Winston, you took me out for a drink

73
00:02:45,432 --> 00:02:47,700
at the place where I work!

74
00:02:47,751 --> 00:02:49,702
Here's your bill.

75
00:02:49,753 --> 00:02:52,004
Thanks for the water.

76
00:02:54,040 --> 00:02:56,709
Man, I told you to get yourself
whatever you wanted.

77
00:02:56,760 --> 00:02:59,228
You chose water.

78
00:02:59,296 --> 00:03:00,930
<i>Have a seat.</i>

79
00:03:01,014 --> 00:03:02,315
Okay.

80
00:03:02,382 --> 00:03:04,734
Let me get you a blanket.

81
00:03:04,818 --> 00:03:07,052
Why would I want a blanket right now?

82
00:03:07,104 --> 00:03:09,272
- Just to get toasty.
- Oh.

83
00:03:11,892 --> 00:03:14,410
Would you like a cookie,
or a cupcake? I made them.

84
00:03:14,495 --> 00:03:16,746
Oh, no. I'm okay.
I'm not really a dessert person.

85
00:03:16,830 --> 00:03:19,115
- I just don't eat it, usually.
- Okay. Okay.

86
00:03:19,799 --> 00:03:21,617
I'm just gonna put this,

87
00:03:21,702 --> 00:03:23,369
like, right here.

88
00:03:23,420 --> 00:03:25,505
- I don't... okay.
- Just...

89
00:03:25,572 --> 00:03:26,839
Why don't you just take me through

90
00:03:26,907 --> 00:03:28,124
what happened with the ticket?

91
00:03:28,208 --> 00:03:29,375
- Okay.
- They got a photo of you?

92
00:03:29,426 --> 00:03:30,843
♪ At the scene of the crime ♪

93
00:03:30,911 --> 00:03:32,044
♪ Meh, meh, meh, meh. ♪

94
00:03:34,097 --> 00:03:35,414
Is this it?

95
00:03:35,466 --> 00:03:37,550
- Yeah.
- Okay.

96
00:03:37,601 --> 00:03:41,053
Hmm. This may actually be
kind of hard to argue with.

97
00:03:41,105 --> 00:03:43,255
Well, there's actually more
there than meets the eye.

98
00:03:43,307 --> 00:03:45,658
Um, there was a bird...
he's not in the shot...

99
00:03:45,659 --> 00:03:46,755
but he was injured,

100
00:03:46,756 --> 00:03:48,976
and he couldn't get out of
the road, and so I braked,

101
00:03:48,996 --> 00:03:50,897
and then I had to accelerate
out of the intersection.

102
00:03:50,948 --> 00:03:52,698
You missed your first
court date on this.

103
00:03:52,766 --> 00:03:54,867
My ex-boyfriend failed to send it to me

104
00:03:54,935 --> 00:03:56,602
before the court date,

105
00:03:56,653 --> 00:03:58,154
because he doesn't believe in mail,

106
00:03:58,238 --> 00:04:00,123
which has to do with his
thoughts on government spending.

107
00:04:00,207 --> 00:04:02,074
Now it's an $800 fine.

108
00:04:02,126 --> 00:04:04,660
That's why I need, like, a
really awesome lawyer, like you.

109
00:04:04,745 --> 00:04:07,547
So... can you help me?

110
00:04:07,614 --> 00:04:09,999
I mean, I can try. You never know.

111
00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:12,251
A judge might buy into
this whole thing, so...

112
00:04:12,302 --> 00:04:14,670
What "whole thing"?

113
00:04:14,755 --> 00:04:16,222
Your whole thing.

114
00:04:16,289 --> 00:04:19,308
With the cupcakes,
and the braking for birds,

115
00:04:19,393 --> 00:04:22,261
and... bluebirds come and
help me dress in the morning.

116
00:04:22,312 --> 00:04:24,063
Oh, I didn't know I was doing a thing.

117
00:04:24,130 --> 00:04:26,566
It's a great thing. I mean, the big,

118
00:04:26,633 --> 00:04:28,985
beautiful eyes, like a scared baby.

119
00:04:29,069 --> 00:04:31,270
I'm sure that gets you
out of all kinds of stuff.

120
00:04:31,321 --> 00:04:35,942
Yeah. Yeah, except my peripheral
vision's, like, almost too good.

121
00:04:38,779 --> 00:04:40,746
Hey, so...

122
00:04:40,814 --> 00:04:42,648
living here, it's probably fun, right?

123
00:04:42,699 --> 00:04:44,283
- Yeah.
- There are, like, lots of girls

124
00:04:44,334 --> 00:04:45,751
coming in and out of this place?

125
00:04:45,819 --> 00:04:48,487
Schmidt's like Ellis
Island in the 1800's.

126
00:04:48,539 --> 00:04:49,755
He accepts everyone.

127
00:04:49,823 --> 00:04:52,792
Yeah, and... Winston and Nick...

128
00:04:52,843 --> 00:04:55,511
I probably shouldn't...

129
00:04:55,596 --> 00:04:57,930
- Oh, yeah. Well, you don't have to...
- Plead the Fifth!

130
00:04:57,998 --> 00:05:00,132
- No, that's not what...
- Objection!

131
00:05:00,184 --> 00:05:02,518
- Nick, hey!
- Hey, Julia!

132
00:05:02,603 --> 00:05:03,719
- You want to hang out in your room?
- Sure.

133
00:05:03,804 --> 00:05:05,504
Jess, if you'll excuse us,

134
00:05:05,556 --> 00:05:07,640
Julie's about to be very disappointed.

135
00:05:07,691 --> 00:05:10,142
Okay, so I will look at
this stuff some more,

136
00:05:10,194 --> 00:05:12,361
I-I'll call some people,
see what I can do.

137
00:05:12,446 --> 00:05:14,146
Here's your blankie back.

138
00:05:17,818 --> 00:05:19,735
- Power blazer. Hey.
- Ha ha.

139
00:05:21,738 --> 00:05:23,239
What's going on with the ticket?

140
00:05:26,026 --> 00:05:27,627
She has a problem with me, Nick.

141
00:05:27,694 --> 00:05:29,996
- Okay? She doesn't like me.
- What are you talking about?

142
00:05:30,047 --> 00:05:31,464
You don't understand,
'cause you're a guy.

143
00:05:31,531 --> 00:05:33,966
She does not have a problem
with you. She's just...

144
00:05:34,034 --> 00:05:36,419
Nick, your girlfriend's
not a dessert person.

145
00:05:38,038 --> 00:05:40,306
Hmm.

146
00:05:43,427 --> 00:05:46,039
She said you have "a whole thing"?

147
00:05:46,105 --> 00:05:47,539
I'm sorry, she doesn't like desserts?

148
00:05:47,608 --> 00:05:49,108
Where is she right now?

149
00:05:49,176 --> 00:05:51,210
Look, I think I know what she meant.

150
00:05:51,278 --> 00:05:52,812
I mean, you do like girly stuff.

151
00:05:52,880 --> 00:05:55,248
I mean, it kind of
freaked me out at first.

152
00:05:55,315 --> 00:05:58,251
When I met you, you were
wearing a hat made of ribbons.

153
00:05:58,318 --> 00:06:00,687
My ribbon hat. I love that hat.

154
00:06:00,754 --> 00:06:02,955
Screw her. And I'm gonna
wear that ribbon hat.

155
00:06:03,023 --> 00:06:04,190
Go get it, right now.

156
00:06:04,258 --> 00:06:05,892
Be right back.

157
00:06:05,959 --> 00:06:07,960
Whoa. There she is.

158
00:06:08,028 --> 00:06:09,829
Nick, where is this bitch?

159
00:06:09,897 --> 00:06:12,198
Gonna smack that lawyer learning
right out of her mouth.

160
00:06:12,266 --> 00:06:13,566
Okay, this is getting excessive, guys.

161
00:06:13,634 --> 00:06:15,635
She's actually helping her
get out of a ticket.

162
00:06:15,703 --> 00:06:18,271
By being condescending and judgmental?

163
00:06:18,338 --> 00:06:19,605
What did she say?

164
00:06:19,673 --> 00:06:22,075
Ugh, just drop it, Nick.

165
00:06:22,142 --> 00:06:23,876
Okay, what did Julia do wrong?

166
00:06:23,944 --> 00:06:25,311
It's just how girls fight sometimes.

167
00:06:25,379 --> 00:06:26,679
There's a lot unsaid.

168
00:06:26,747 --> 00:06:28,014
Like one time, a girl said to me,

169
00:06:28,082 --> 00:06:29,315
"Jess, you rock a lot of polka dots."

170
00:06:29,383 --> 00:06:30,983
Ooh. How did she say it?

171
00:06:31,051 --> 00:06:33,086
"Jess, you rock a lot of polka dots."

172
00:06:33,153 --> 00:06:35,188
- That is diabolical.
- I'm really sorry.

173
00:06:35,255 --> 00:06:36,522
And it ruined our friendship.

174
00:06:36,590 --> 00:06:38,558
I mean, I couldn't get over
the polka dot incident.

175
00:06:38,625 --> 00:06:39,859
Warning! Spoiler alert.

176
00:06:39,927 --> 00:06:41,394
Somebody unplugged my dehumidifier

177
00:06:41,462 --> 00:06:43,029
to plug in their flatiron.

178
00:06:43,097 --> 00:06:45,598
I will be putting my
dehumidifier, and my towel,

179
00:06:45,666 --> 00:06:48,334
in my room,
where nothing ever gets wet.

180
00:06:48,402 --> 00:06:51,037
All right, you know what, Jess?
Julia's one of those girls

181
00:06:51,105 --> 00:06:53,106
where she doesn't have,
like, a lot of girl friends.

182
00:06:53,173 --> 00:06:55,908
Because she thinks like a guy.
She doesn't play mind games.

183
00:06:55,976 --> 00:06:58,044
- So blind!
- Look, all I know

184
00:06:58,112 --> 00:06:59,846
is she's totally up front with me.

185
00:06:59,913 --> 00:07:02,115
No subtext, no codes.

186
00:07:02,182 --> 00:07:04,417
Oh. Okay. So did she
come right out and ask you

187
00:07:04,485 --> 00:07:05,818
if you were seeing other girls?

188
00:07:05,886 --> 00:07:07,687
Because... she asked me.

189
00:07:10,791 --> 00:07:13,760
- She did?
- You didn't know that?

190
00:07:13,827 --> 00:07:16,362
'Cause I thought you guys were
so up front with one another.

191
00:07:16,430 --> 00:07:18,631
I thought you guys told
each other everything. Yeah.

192
00:07:18,699 --> 00:07:21,033
She told him she didn't
want to label it.

193
00:07:21,101 --> 00:07:22,034
Oh. I mean, that's a classic move,

194
00:07:22,102 --> 00:07:23,770
even in the lesbian community.

195
00:07:29,543 --> 00:07:31,144
What are we talking about?

196
00:07:31,211 --> 00:07:32,779
Did you just hear the phrase
"lesbian community"

197
00:07:32,846 --> 00:07:34,013
and come running out of your room?

198
00:07:34,081 --> 00:07:35,848
I did. Uh...

199
00:07:35,916 --> 00:07:37,083
question, for you.

200
00:07:37,151 --> 00:07:39,051
This community you speak of,

201
00:07:39,119 --> 00:07:41,087
do the ladies look, uh...

202
00:07:41,155 --> 00:07:44,557
more like this one or, you know...

203
00:07:44,625 --> 00:07:46,793
- kind of Nickish?
- Aw, shut up, Schmidt.

204
00:07:46,860 --> 00:07:48,761
I did date a woman
who looked a lot like Nick.

205
00:07:48,829 --> 00:07:51,130
You did. Felicia.

206
00:07:53,000 --> 00:07:54,600
Why can't you just admit
that she's your girlfriend?

207
00:07:54,668 --> 00:07:56,369
I know, I just thought

208
00:07:56,436 --> 00:07:58,638
it was uncomplicated,
and now I'm freaking out.

209
00:07:58,705 --> 00:08:00,439
I'm not good at being a boyfriend.

210
00:08:00,507 --> 00:08:02,341
I'm good at being that guy
that you find yourself

211
00:08:02,409 --> 00:08:03,676
spending more and more time with

212
00:08:03,744 --> 00:08:05,311
until you meet your husband.

213
00:08:05,379 --> 00:08:08,548
All right. So, so far,
Nick Miller's list of fears is

214
00:08:08,615 --> 00:08:12,351
sharks, tap water, real relationships.

215
00:08:12,419 --> 00:08:13,719
- And blueberries.
- Barkeep.

216
00:08:13,787 --> 00:08:15,254
Get this man a drink.

217
00:08:15,322 --> 00:08:17,757
Ladies, he hasn't had sex
in four months.

218
00:08:17,825 --> 00:08:18,991
Come and get it, ladies.

219
00:08:19,059 --> 00:08:21,003
- I seriously hate you, Schmidt.
- Why?

220
00:08:21,043 --> 00:08:22,230
It didn't go well with Shelby?

221
00:08:22,284 --> 00:08:24,030
I gotta say, I thought
it would be easy.

222
00:08:24,097 --> 00:08:25,765
You know? Maybe...

223
00:08:25,833 --> 00:08:27,934
maybe I don't have game.
Maybe I never had game.

224
00:08:28,001 --> 00:08:29,702
Maybe it's always
been about basketball.

225
00:08:29,770 --> 00:08:31,370
Yeah, you don't have any game.

226
00:08:31,438 --> 00:08:32,972
It's always been because
you play basketball.

227
00:08:33,040 --> 00:08:34,674
Are you seriously just realizing
that you don't have game?

228
00:08:34,741 --> 00:08:37,009
What is your secret, man?
How do normal guys get girls?

229
00:08:37,077 --> 00:08:39,912
Let's not say "normal." Just, you
know, say what it is... "average."

230
00:08:39,980 --> 00:08:41,681
You've had the most game,
out of any of us.

231
00:08:41,748 --> 00:08:43,149
Because for years now,

232
00:08:43,217 --> 00:08:45,051
you've been working
with absolutely nothing.

233
00:08:45,118 --> 00:08:46,252
- He makes a good point.
- Okay.

234
00:08:46,320 --> 00:08:48,087
- I've been working with nothing.
- Zilch.

235
00:08:48,155 --> 00:08:49,255
You're right, I've got nothing.

236
00:08:49,323 --> 00:08:51,524
Except this.

237
00:08:54,695 --> 00:08:57,330
Ow.

238
00:08:57,397 --> 00:08:58,764
Oh, my God.

239
00:08:58,832 --> 00:09:00,566
Miller! No <i>Cocktail!</i>

240
00:09:00,634 --> 00:09:01,834
Sorry, Julio.

241
00:09:01,902 --> 00:09:04,670
Julia! Hey, Julia!

242
00:09:04,738 --> 00:09:05,905
Hey.

243
00:09:05,973 --> 00:09:07,306
Ooh. You guys are using names?

244
00:09:07,374 --> 00:09:10,276
That's not too labelly for you?

245
00:09:10,344 --> 00:09:12,111
- Hey.
- Hey, hey, Jules.

246
00:09:12,179 --> 00:09:13,379
Hey.

247
00:09:13,447 --> 00:09:15,381
Thought I'd drop by and say hello.

248
00:09:15,449 --> 00:09:17,250
Oh, I didn't know
we were doing drop-bys.

249
00:09:17,317 --> 00:09:18,818
Uh...

250
00:09:18,886 --> 00:09:21,087
Here's a scenario
that's paid sexual dividends,

251
00:09:21,154 --> 00:09:22,722
particularly in the Asian markets,

252
00:09:22,789 --> 00:09:25,691
and I think, Jess,
you can back me up on this.

253
00:09:25,759 --> 00:09:27,293
Inform her that you're an aerialist

254
00:09:27,361 --> 00:09:28,628
for the Cirque du Soleil.

255
00:09:28,695 --> 00:09:30,263
Winston, just ask questions,

256
00:09:30,330 --> 00:09:31,964
pay attention to her, listen to her,

257
00:09:32,032 --> 00:09:33,733
don't listen to him.

258
00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:35,735
Oh, believe me, I don't
take advice from Schmidt.

259
00:09:35,802 --> 00:09:37,536
Never have, never will. Ever.

260
00:09:37,604 --> 00:09:39,639
So Jess told me what

261
00:09:39,706 --> 00:09:42,742
- you asked her yesterday.
- What?

262
00:09:42,809 --> 00:09:45,044
That you asked if I was
sleeping with other people.

263
00:09:45,112 --> 00:09:48,748
- That is not even...
- I... what?

264
00:09:48,815 --> 00:09:51,317
I don't want to play games.
That's not what happened, okay?

265
00:09:51,385 --> 00:09:53,686
I just said something to h,
because I was feeling

266
00:09:53,754 --> 00:09:55,054
kind of guilty, because I'm, uh...

267
00:09:55,122 --> 00:09:57,156
I'm dating other people,
and I just, you know...

268
00:09:57,224 --> 00:09:59,792
wanted to see if you were also
dating other people.

269
00:09:59,860 --> 00:10:00,893
- You're dating other people?
- Yeah, yeah.

270
00:10:02,863 --> 00:10:04,864
No. No, I'm seeing other people, too.

271
00:10:04,932 --> 00:10:07,533
Good. Good.

272
00:10:07,601 --> 00:10:09,568
I'm having sex all the time.
I'm like a mailman.

273
00:10:09,636 --> 00:10:12,672
Except instead of mail,
it's hot sex that I deliver.

274
00:10:12,739 --> 00:10:14,540
I've had to start carrying, like,

275
00:10:14,608 --> 00:10:16,409
athletic shoes in my purse,

276
00:10:16,476 --> 00:10:19,612
'cause I have to sprint from
one sexual encounter to another.

277
00:10:19,680 --> 00:10:20,846
Can't wear heels.

278
00:10:20,914 --> 00:10:23,149
Well, I'm having sex right now.

279
00:10:23,216 --> 00:10:24,550
Under the bar.

280
00:10:24,618 --> 00:10:25,985
And she's on top.

281
00:10:26,053 --> 00:10:27,420
So figure that out.

282
00:10:29,156 --> 00:10:31,257
- Was that her?
- Yeah.

283
00:10:31,325 --> 00:10:32,458
- Well, great.
- Great.

284
00:10:32,526 --> 00:10:33,659
Then we're both doing
the exact same thing.

285
00:10:33,727 --> 00:10:35,194
And we're on the same page.

286
00:10:35,262 --> 00:10:36,662
Kudos for not putting labels on things.

287
00:10:36,730 --> 00:10:38,464
That is exactly what I want.
It's my dream.

288
00:10:38,532 --> 00:10:40,032
Just going to go to
the bathroom really quickly.

289
00:10:40,100 --> 00:10:41,834
Okay. Great.

290
00:10:51,411 --> 00:10:53,346
Hey. Julia?

291
00:10:53,413 --> 00:10:54,847
Are you serious?

292
00:10:54,915 --> 00:10:56,515
Did Nick say some stuff to you?

293
00:10:56,583 --> 00:10:58,217
Because I'm really sorry,
and I want to explain...

294
00:10:58,285 --> 00:10:59,819
Why would you tell him
that I said that?

295
00:10:59,886 --> 00:11:01,454
Do you know what that
makes me look like?

296
00:11:01,521 --> 00:11:02,955
Um...

297
00:11:03,023 --> 00:11:04,190
I see what you're doing.

298
00:11:04,257 --> 00:11:05,524
I know that I'm

299
00:11:05,592 --> 00:11:06,826
the mean lawyer girl

300
00:11:06,893 --> 00:11:09,195
who wears suits and works too much

301
00:11:09,262 --> 00:11:12,131
and you... you're
the really fun teacher girl

302
00:11:12,199 --> 00:11:15,768
with all the colorful skirts
and you bake things.

303
00:11:15,836 --> 00:11:17,837
And eventually, Nick
is going to come running to you

304
00:11:17,904 --> 00:11:20,172
and you'll tuck him in
under his blankie and...

305
00:11:20,240 --> 00:11:21,874
What is it with you
and the blankie thing?

306
00:11:21,942 --> 00:11:23,976
I never said the word blankie.

307
00:11:24,044 --> 00:11:25,978
I don't talk like Teddy Ruxpin.

308
00:11:26,046 --> 00:11:28,614
If I acted the way that you act
when I was at work,

309
00:11:28,682 --> 00:11:29,982
nobody would listen to me.

310
00:11:30,050 --> 00:11:31,784
Well, if I acted like you at work,

311
00:11:31,852 --> 00:11:33,319
my students would turn in

312
00:11:33,387 --> 00:11:35,121
really weird, dark dioramas, so...

313
00:11:35,188 --> 00:11:37,423
I don't like you.

314
00:11:37,491 --> 00:11:40,192
And I don't want
to be your friend, so...

315
00:11:40,260 --> 00:11:41,794
- Fine.
- Can you leave, please?

316
00:11:41,862 --> 00:11:43,996
Because...

317
00:11:44,064 --> 00:11:46,632
I am about to start crying,

318
00:11:46,700 --> 00:11:47,900
and you are the last person

319
00:11:47,968 --> 00:11:50,436
that I want to cry in front of.

320
00:11:50,504 --> 00:11:52,705
I want to cry, t, and...

321
00:11:52,773 --> 00:11:54,373
where am I supposed to cry?

322
00:11:54,441 --> 00:11:57,043
You can't monopolize
the bathroom crying space.

323
00:11:57,110 --> 00:11:58,344
Please go.

324
00:12:04,818 --> 00:12:06,886
What are you doing, Jess?

325
00:12:06,953 --> 00:12:08,654
- Get out!
- I'm sorry.

326
00:12:18,185 --> 00:12:20,219
- Winston, what are you doing?
- Ba, ba, ba, ba,

327
00:12:20,270 --> 00:12:21,570
ba, ba.

328
00:12:21,655 --> 00:12:23,939
I have come here to listen to you.

329
00:12:24,024 --> 00:12:25,574
Should I have interrupted you
to tell you that?

330
00:12:25,659 --> 00:12:27,359
Probably not.

331
00:12:27,411 --> 00:12:28,894
So how... how are you?

332
00:12:28,945 --> 00:12:31,363
Tell me about your life,
and how is everything?

333
00:12:31,415 --> 00:12:33,833
Winston, what am I supposed to do?

334
00:12:33,900 --> 00:12:36,368
I was a booty call for two years,

335
00:12:36,420 --> 00:12:38,454
and then I was nothing for two years.

336
00:12:38,538 --> 00:12:40,923
You show up bragging
after all this time

337
00:12:41,007 --> 00:12:42,174
like nothing has changed.

338
00:12:42,242 --> 00:12:43,709
What do you want me to think?

339
00:12:44,911 --> 00:12:46,245
That I'm an idiot.

340
00:12:46,296 --> 00:12:48,130
And you know what?

341
00:12:48,215 --> 00:12:50,416
You're right, and I'm sorry.

342
00:12:50,484 --> 00:12:53,219
It's just that since I've
stopped playing ball,

343
00:12:53,270 --> 00:12:55,855
I realize I'm not that good at this.

344
00:12:55,922 --> 00:12:57,973
And, quite frankly,
you are way out of my league.

345
00:12:58,058 --> 00:12:59,725
That is clear now.

346
00:12:59,776 --> 00:13:03,946
But... I do hope this is not
the last time I see you,

347
00:13:04,030 --> 00:13:06,982
but whatever you want, I'm cool with.

348
00:13:07,067 --> 00:13:09,285
I got to get back to work.

349
00:13:09,369 --> 00:13:10,769
Yeah.

350
00:13:10,821 --> 00:13:13,605
Yeah, I'll help you.

351
00:13:13,657 --> 00:13:15,241
See?

352
00:13:15,292 --> 00:13:17,209
I'm the manager.

353
00:13:17,277 --> 00:13:18,544
- Oh, you're the manager?
- Yeah.

354
00:13:18,611 --> 00:13:21,580
- Wow, that's amazing.
- It's okay.

355
00:13:21,631 --> 00:13:22,998
Case 73.

356
00:13:23,083 --> 00:13:24,583
Mr. Sandoval.

357
00:13:26,253 --> 00:13:28,721
I see you have dressed
for the occasion.

358
00:13:28,788 --> 00:13:30,089
Oh. Hi.

359
00:13:30,140 --> 00:13:31,340
You didn't have to come.

360
00:13:31,424 --> 00:13:32,725
I'm sure you're very busy.

361
00:13:32,792 --> 00:13:34,260
I said that I would be here,

362
00:13:34,311 --> 00:13:35,678
so I'm here. Don't worry.

363
00:13:35,762 --> 00:13:37,296
I think I can handle it. Let's just

364
00:13:37,347 --> 00:13:39,431
get this over with
so we can get out of here.

365
00:13:43,186 --> 00:13:44,954
Your Honor.

366
00:13:47,140 --> 00:13:49,108
Your Honor.

367
00:13:49,159 --> 00:13:50,642
Your Honor.

368
00:13:50,694 --> 00:13:52,311
These are the facts, Your Honor.

369
00:13:52,329 --> 00:13:53,996
♪ Your Honor.

370
00:13:54,080 --> 00:13:57,700
Case 74... Jessica Day.

371
00:13:57,776 --> 00:14:00,414
Yes, sir. Yes, I'm present, sir.
Okay, listen.

372
00:14:00,476 --> 00:14:02,125
You just have to enter
the plea yourself,

373
00:14:02,187 --> 00:14:03,375
all right, and then I'll do the rest.

374
00:14:03,422 --> 00:14:04,734
Okay, okay. I got it, all right?

375
00:14:04,813 --> 00:14:06,852
So you know, all you have to do is say...
I got it! Thank you.

376
00:14:06,945 --> 00:14:08,127
Okay. Okay. How do you plead?

377
00:14:08,172 --> 00:14:08,993
Guilty. What?

378
00:14:09,024 --> 00:14:10,646
Great. Pay your fine upstairs.

379
00:14:11,932 --> 00:14:14,912
Well, I guess we're never going to know

380
00:14:15,004 --> 00:14:16,254
if the bird defense works.

381
00:14:16,308 --> 00:14:17,808
Such a bummer, too.

382
00:14:17,852 --> 00:14:19,403
We have this pool at my office.

383
00:14:19,464 --> 00:14:20,597
Okay. Hey!

384
00:14:21,558 --> 00:14:23,692
I got something to say to you, man.

385
00:14:23,777 --> 00:14:25,010
What?

386
00:14:25,061 --> 00:14:26,812
I brake for birds.

387
00:14:26,863 --> 00:14:28,948
I rock a lot of polka dots.

388
00:14:29,015 --> 00:14:31,984
I have touched glitter
in the last 24 hours.

389
00:14:32,035 --> 00:14:35,154
I spend my entire day
talking to children.

390
00:14:35,205 --> 00:14:38,490
And I find it fundamentally strange

391
00:14:38,542 --> 00:14:40,292
that you're not a dessert person.

392
00:14:40,360 --> 00:14:42,661
That's just weird,
and it freaks me out.

393
00:14:42,712 --> 00:14:44,580
And I'm sorry I don't
talk like Murphy Brown.

394
00:14:44,664 --> 00:14:46,332
And I hate your pantsuit.

395
00:14:46,416 --> 00:14:48,667
I wish it had ribbons
on it or something

396
00:14:48,718 --> 00:14:50,219
to make it just slightly cuter.

397
00:14:50,303 --> 00:14:52,537
And that doesn't mean I'm not smart

398
00:14:52,589 --> 00:14:54,706
and tough and strong.

399
00:14:54,758 --> 00:14:56,208
Okay.

400
00:14:56,259 --> 00:14:57,643
And I know you like Nick,

401
00:14:57,710 --> 00:14:59,678
and I'm not trying to interfere,

402
00:14:59,729 --> 00:15:02,181
but you should just
talk to him about it.

403
00:15:02,232 --> 00:15:03,882
Are you done?

404
00:15:03,934 --> 00:15:05,434
I am almost done.

405
00:15:05,518 --> 00:15:09,605
I'm about to go and pay this $800 fine,

406
00:15:09,689 --> 00:15:13,776
and my checks have baby
farm animals on them, bitch.

407
00:15:15,228 --> 00:15:16,946
That's the wrong way.

408
00:15:25,861 --> 00:15:26,878
You moved.

409
00:15:26,962 --> 00:15:28,212
You remember my old place?

410
00:15:28,297 --> 00:15:29,881
The place in the hood?

411
00:15:29,965 --> 00:15:31,165
No.

412
00:15:31,216 --> 00:15:33,184
It was hood-adjacent. Whatever.

413
00:15:35,020 --> 00:15:37,939
So, um... so this was nice.

414
00:15:38,006 --> 00:15:39,507
Yeah, it was.

415
00:15:41,060 --> 00:15:42,860
You want to know what I want to do now?

416
00:15:42,945 --> 00:15:44,345
What?

417
00:15:44,396 --> 00:15:46,481
Take you on a real date.

418
00:15:47,983 --> 00:15:49,850
Why don't you call me?

419
00:15:51,019 --> 00:15:52,987
Good night, Winston.

420
00:16:02,081 --> 00:16:03,581
- Winston, what's happening?
- Huh?

421
00:16:03,666 --> 00:16:04,916
Yeah, good night.

422
00:16:05,000 --> 00:16:06,367
What is wrong with you, man?

423
00:16:06,418 --> 00:16:08,252
You got no game. That was so stupid.

424
00:16:13,542 --> 00:16:16,310
Hey! Anyone!

425
00:16:16,378 --> 00:16:18,146
My towel!

426
00:16:18,213 --> 00:16:20,348
Can someone please get my towel?

427
00:16:20,399 --> 00:16:23,267
It's in my room
next to my Irish walking cape.

428
00:16:23,352 --> 00:16:24,986
The... the bigger towel.

429
00:16:25,053 --> 00:16:27,572
Not... do not touch the small one.

430
00:16:27,656 --> 00:16:29,323
Okay, I left my towel in my room.

431
00:16:29,391 --> 00:16:31,526
Nobody look.

432
00:16:31,577 --> 00:16:32,727
Nobody look, yo.

433
00:16:32,778 --> 00:16:34,529
We don't want to. Nobody look.

434
00:16:34,580 --> 00:16:36,247
Seriously, no... no one's looking?

435
00:16:36,331 --> 00:16:38,750
All right, forget it.

436
00:16:38,834 --> 00:16:41,753
Aah! Damn it!
See, he's a natural blond.

437
00:16:41,837 --> 00:16:44,605
What shape is that supposed
to be shaved into?

438
00:16:44,673 --> 00:16:46,758
Think he's trying to force perspective.

439
00:16:46,842 --> 00:16:48,909
Very funny. I got
to get something off my chest.

440
00:16:48,961 --> 00:16:51,412
No, Schmidt, there is an apron

441
00:16:51,463 --> 00:16:53,514
right over there... go cover yourself.

442
00:16:53,582 --> 00:16:55,717
You are Jewish. You're making me gayer.

443
00:16:55,768 --> 00:16:57,852
Are you going to go on,
like, a big wet towel rant?

444
00:16:57,919 --> 00:16:59,437
No. This is now a sex rant.

445
00:16:59,521 --> 00:17:00,755
To wit,

446
00:17:00,806 --> 00:17:02,423
six months ago, I thought

447
00:17:02,474 --> 00:17:04,675
getting a girl roommate
would mean sex all the time...

448
00:17:04,743 --> 00:17:07,645
definitely with her friends
and probably with her.

449
00:17:07,730 --> 00:17:08,896
Are there women here?

450
00:17:08,947 --> 00:17:10,314
Yeah, sure, more than ever.

451
00:17:10,399 --> 00:17:12,734
But you... not going to happen.

452
00:17:12,785 --> 00:17:14,902
You, I will never give up.

453
00:17:14,953 --> 00:17:17,321
And you... well, you sample
from the gumbo pot.

454
00:17:17,406 --> 00:17:19,273
I am in a damp bathroom

455
00:17:19,324 --> 00:17:23,077
full of naked women every day,
and I hate it.

456
00:17:23,145 --> 00:17:25,446
It's like a nightmare. I'm in a...

457
00:17:25,497 --> 00:17:28,466
watermelon-themed apron with a...

458
00:17:30,052 --> 00:17:31,619
A tampon?

459
00:17:31,670 --> 00:17:34,622
Why would you need this for cooking?

460
00:17:34,673 --> 00:17:36,524
I just had an idea.

461
00:17:36,592 --> 00:17:38,676
Why don't we hang our
towels on towel bars

462
00:17:38,761 --> 00:17:40,478
instead of hooks, and
that'll make them dryer?

463
00:17:40,562 --> 00:17:42,296
That is the...

464
00:17:42,347 --> 00:17:46,067
that is... that is a great idea.

465
00:17:47,236 --> 00:17:48,436
Quick question for you.

466
00:17:48,487 --> 00:17:51,522
As a lesbian gynecologist,

467
00:17:51,607 --> 00:17:54,408
perhaps, one of these days,
the two of us

468
00:17:54,476 --> 00:17:56,611
could sit down and talk about OSI.

469
00:17:56,662 --> 00:17:58,830
- What is OSI?
- Our shared interest.

470
00:17:58,914 --> 00:18:00,782
- Schmidt, clothe yourself!
- All right, all right.

471
00:18:00,833 --> 00:18:02,033
It was just a suggestion.

472
00:18:04,787 --> 00:18:06,420
Oh.

473
00:18:06,488 --> 00:18:08,456
- Hey.
- Hi.

474
00:18:08,507 --> 00:18:10,124
Nick's not here.

475
00:18:10,175 --> 00:18:11,509
That's okay.

476
00:18:11,593 --> 00:18:14,545
Uh, because I came here to...

477
00:18:14,630 --> 00:18:16,180
well, I kind of came

478
00:18:16,265 --> 00:18:19,350
because I-I thought
it would be good if you and I...

479
00:18:19,434 --> 00:18:21,102
Hey, Jess, my hands are actually stuck

480
00:18:21,169 --> 00:18:22,854
- in the yarn because...
- Oh.

481
00:18:22,938 --> 00:18:25,189
I didn't realize that you
had people over. Sorry.

482
00:18:25,274 --> 00:18:28,442
No, it's just... crochet time.

483
00:18:28,510 --> 00:18:30,228
Yeah.

484
00:18:30,312 --> 00:18:31,729
- Nick's not here right now.
- No, I know.

485
00:18:31,814 --> 00:18:33,898
Thanks.

486
00:18:33,982 --> 00:18:36,617
I'll just come back later.

487
00:18:36,685 --> 00:18:37,535
Hey, Julia.

488
00:18:38,821 --> 00:18:39,954
Do you want to crochet with us?

489
00:18:43,826 --> 00:18:46,027
I mean, growing up was brutal.

490
00:18:46,094 --> 00:18:48,079
I went to an all-girls school.

491
00:18:48,163 --> 00:18:50,197
The worst... girls can be
so mean to each other.

492
00:18:50,249 --> 00:18:52,717
Yeah, Cece and I hid
in the bathroom for four years.

493
00:18:52,801 --> 00:18:54,218
This is... this is really nice, guys.

494
00:18:54,303 --> 00:18:55,703
Thank you for letting me join in.

495
00:18:55,754 --> 00:18:57,088
It's totally relaxing.

496
00:18:57,172 --> 00:18:59,039
Except that I don't know why,

497
00:18:59,091 --> 00:19:01,342
if I put the fox through the cave,

498
00:19:01,393 --> 00:19:02,710
it doesn't... the yarn is broken.

499
00:19:02,761 --> 00:19:03,978
I don't know

500
00:19:04,045 --> 00:19:06,597
why this is not turning into...

501
00:19:06,682 --> 00:19:08,432
What you making?

502
00:19:08,517 --> 00:19:10,101
A hat.

503
00:19:10,185 --> 00:19:12,486
If you're making a hat
for a baby, it is done.

504
00:19:12,554 --> 00:19:14,388
Yeah.

505
00:19:16,491 --> 00:19:18,192
Hey, Julia.

506
00:19:18,243 --> 00:19:19,660
What are you doing here?

507
00:19:19,728 --> 00:19:21,529
Could I talk to you for a second?

508
00:19:21,580 --> 00:19:22,897
Okay.

509
00:19:24,283 --> 00:19:25,700
Hey, Julia.

510
00:19:25,751 --> 00:19:27,451
Stop.

511
00:19:27,536 --> 00:19:29,837
No, there's something
that I need to say to you.

512
00:19:29,905 --> 00:19:30,838
All right. Then go ahead.

513
00:19:32,090 --> 00:19:33,207
- Okay.
- Okay.

514
00:19:33,258 --> 00:19:35,075
I'm going to say it.

515
00:19:35,127 --> 00:19:37,428
- Okay, I...
- Just say it.

516
00:19:37,512 --> 00:19:39,630
All right. I-I wanted to say that...

517
00:19:39,715 --> 00:19:41,599
I don't want to date anybody else.

518
00:19:41,683 --> 00:19:43,851
I just want to date you.

519
00:19:47,272 --> 00:19:48,940
Well, that's what I
was going to say to you.

520
00:19:50,258 --> 00:19:51,559
- Really?
- Yeah.

521
00:19:53,195 --> 00:19:56,280
So, then... so, then,
what does that mean?

522
00:19:56,365 --> 00:19:59,116
You're, like, my boyfriend now?

523
00:19:59,201 --> 00:20:01,202
I'm not really into labels.

524
00:20:01,269 --> 00:20:02,203
Yeah, all right.

525
00:20:09,578 --> 00:20:10,745
Boyfriend.

526
00:20:10,796 --> 00:20:12,797
That's so lame.

527
00:20:12,881 --> 00:20:14,966
You're totally going to...

528
00:20:15,050 --> 00:20:17,168
carry my books home from school.

529
00:20:17,252 --> 00:20:19,453
I will if you wear
my leatherman jacket.

530
00:20:19,504 --> 00:20:21,138
It's "letterman" jacket.
No, I'm pretty sure

531
00:20:21,223 --> 00:20:23,123
it's a leatherman jacket. You letter...

532
00:20:23,175 --> 00:20:24,558
The leather sleeves
that the football guys wear?

533
00:20:24,626 --> 00:20:26,978
I'm right. I'm right.

534
00:20:29,064 --> 00:20:30,331
I'm glad you pitched a fit,

535
00:20:30,399 --> 00:20:32,149
because my towel is very dry.

536
00:20:32,234 --> 00:20:34,435
I didn't pitch a fit. I just...

537
00:20:34,486 --> 00:20:35,987
Damp!

538
00:20:36,071 --> 00:20:37,521
Damn it!

539
00:20:37,606 --> 00:20:39,156
Everybody... bathroom now!

540
00:20:39,241 --> 00:20:41,325
What's up, Dad?

541
00:20:41,410 --> 00:20:42,910
- What, Schmidt?
- Is someone playing

542
00:20:42,978 --> 00:20:44,362
a joke on me?

543
00:20:44,446 --> 00:20:46,113
Honestly, why is my towel still damp?

544
00:20:46,164 --> 00:20:48,950
cause it's not your towel;
it's my towel, Schmidt.

545
00:20:49,001 --> 00:20:50,785
No, it's not your towel.
Your towel is the red one.

546
00:20:50,836 --> 00:20:51,919
I'll tell you this, pal.

547
00:20:51,987 --> 00:20:53,337
I've never used that.

548
00:20:53,422 --> 00:20:54,522
I do use that one every single day.

549
00:20:55,958 --> 00:20:57,157
Oh, God.

550
00:20:57,209 --> 00:20:59,326
This towel's so warm and fluffy.

551
00:20:59,378 --> 00:21:01,379
It's like it's been in the sun forever.

552
00:21:01,463 --> 00:21:03,014
This means you two
have been drying your junk

553
00:21:03,098 --> 00:21:05,016
- with the same towel.
- Intimate.

554
00:21:05,100 --> 00:21:06,800
- Are you out of your mind?!
- What do you mean, am I...

555
00:21:06,852 --> 00:21:08,736
How do you think this is
your towel? Do you even wash it?

556
00:21:08,803 --> 00:21:10,988
No, I don't wash the towel;
the towel washes me.

557
00:21:11,073 --> 00:21:12,973
Who washes a towel?

558
00:21:13,025 --> 00:21:14,692
- You never wash...?
- You wash your towel?

559
00:21:14,776 --> 00:21:17,328
- You never wash the towel?
- What am I going to do?

560
00:21:17,412 --> 00:21:20,031
Wash the shower next?
Wash a bar of soap?

561
00:21:20,115 --> 00:21:22,667
- You got to think here, pal.
- I'm furious right now.

562
00:21:22,751 --> 00:21:25,036
I get out of the damn shower,
I'm clean as a damn baby,

563
00:21:25,120 --> 00:21:26,821
- and I use the towel.
- Let me ask you this.

564
00:21:26,888 --> 00:21:28,989
Have you been wearing my underpants?

565
00:21:29,041 --> 00:21:30,657
Sometimes, yeah. Who cares?

566
00:21:30,709 --> 00:21:33,044
You guys don't wear
each other's underpants?

567
00:21:33,128 --> 00:21:36,125
You're lying. We all wear
each other's underwear.

568
00:21:36,352 --> 00:21:39,431
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