1 00:00:01,164 --> 00:00:03,961 Hey, hey, hey, man, this is my spot. 2 00:00:04,129 --> 00:00:05,262 I was here first! 3 00:00:05,314 --> 00:00:06,597 That's my space, huh? 4 00:00:06,648 --> 00:00:09,317 - This isn't Europe! Move! - Come on. Come on, Nick. 5 00:00:09,401 --> 00:00:11,185 Maybe he's a really nice guy. He's just having a bad day. 6 00:00:11,269 --> 00:00:12,520 I don't care if he's a nice guy. 7 00:00:12,604 --> 00:00:15,472 Get that piece of crap out of my space. 8 00:00:15,524 --> 00:00:17,108 - Don't... - Come on, dude. Why don't you come in here, 9 00:00:17,159 --> 00:00:18,275 - Nick! - ...take my pants off... 10 00:00:18,327 --> 00:00:19,026 ...and kiss my ass? 11 00:00:20,362 --> 00:00:21,529 Oh! Oh, my God! 12 00:00:21,613 --> 00:00:23,614 What do you got to say now? Huh? 13 00:00:23,665 --> 00:00:26,083 - Oh, my God, it's like The Wire! - He has a gun. He has a gun. Stay down. 14 00:00:26,151 --> 00:00:27,318 Oh, my God. You still think he's a nice guy, Jess? 15 00:00:27,386 --> 00:00:28,652 That's what I thought. 16 00:00:28,704 --> 00:00:30,371 Maybe no one's ever been nice to him. 17 00:00:30,455 --> 00:00:32,289 Maybe violence is his only tool to express himself. 18 00:00:32,341 --> 00:00:34,208 - Hi. - Huh? Get down. What are you doing?! 19 00:00:34,292 --> 00:00:35,259 Hi. Don't kill us. 20 00:00:35,327 --> 00:00:36,711 Don't use guns! 21 00:00:36,795 --> 00:00:38,212 Stop it. Just stop it. Just get down. 22 00:00:38,296 --> 00:00:39,347 We're sorry. Take the spot. 23 00:00:39,431 --> 00:00:40,431 - Sir... - Just be submissive. 24 00:00:40,498 --> 00:00:41,999 Sorry about this guy. 25 00:00:42,050 --> 00:00:43,434 - Don't apologize... - He's overreacting. 26 00:00:43,501 --> 00:00:45,886 I'm overreacting? He has a gun, 27 00:00:45,971 --> 00:00:48,122 and you're dressed like a bull's-eye. 28 00:00:48,190 --> 00:00:49,357 Thank you, sir. Thank you. 29 00:00:49,441 --> 00:00:50,741 I can't believe this is working. 30 00:00:50,809 --> 00:00:53,277 - Sorry. - You out-crazied a man with a gun. 31 00:00:53,344 --> 00:00:54,512 Have a good day. 32 00:00:54,579 --> 00:00:56,497 See, it worked. 33 00:00:56,565 --> 00:00:59,683 You always see the worst in people. 34 00:00:59,735 --> 00:01:02,352 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ 35 00:01:02,404 --> 00:01:04,121 ♪ Who's that girl? Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com 36 00:01:04,122 --> 00:01:06,540 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ ♪ It's Jess. Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com 37 00:01:06,608 --> 00:01:07,875 Here we go again. 38 00:01:07,959 --> 00:01:09,877 Another text message from work. Look at that. 39 00:01:09,961 --> 00:01:12,380 "Tokyo call at 11:00?" This is driving me crazy! 40 00:01:12,964 --> 00:01:13,764 What is she trying to say? 41 00:01:13,832 --> 00:01:16,083 I'm not an expert at your industry at all, 42 00:01:19,588 --> 00:01:20,704 Sometime today. 43 00:01:20,756 --> 00:01:22,223 Oh, wait. At 11:00. 44 00:01:22,307 --> 00:01:23,758 You don't understand. 45 00:01:23,842 --> 00:01:26,177 I've been getting a lot of mixed signals from my boss lately. 46 00:01:26,228 --> 00:01:27,595 What is wrong with you? 47 00:01:27,662 --> 00:01:29,379 The world is not out to seduce you. 48 00:01:29,431 --> 00:01:31,682 "And bring me the budget reports." 49 00:01:31,733 --> 00:01:34,068 Why can't she just say what she wants? 50 00:01:34,152 --> 00:01:36,353 What kind of sick game is she playing? 51 00:01:36,405 --> 00:01:37,772 It's all in your head, man. It's always in your head. 52 00:01:37,839 --> 00:01:39,774 Nonfat vanilla latte. 53 00:01:40,858 --> 00:01:43,727 We're not talking about coffee... 54 00:01:44,279 --> 00:01:46,514 are we? 55 00:01:47,281 --> 00:01:48,582 Three, please. 56 00:01:49,167 --> 00:01:51,035 Are you sure you want me to... 57 00:01:51,086 --> 00:01:53,521 stop at three? 58 00:01:54,088 --> 00:01:55,539 I have a package for Schmidt. 59 00:01:55,590 --> 00:01:59,593 Sir, I'm very flattered, but I must decline. 60 00:01:59,661 --> 00:02:01,162 He said he had a package 61 00:02:01,929 --> 00:02:04,181 - for Schmidt. - Oh, you're always 62 00:02:04,249 --> 00:02:06,183 starting fights with everyone, Nick. 63 00:02:06,251 --> 00:02:07,718 I mean, not everyone's out to get you. 64 00:02:07,769 --> 00:02:09,453 He had a gun, Jess! 65 00:02:09,521 --> 00:02:11,889 He was literally out to get me. 66 00:02:11,940 --> 00:02:14,525 Isn't Nick the most negative person you've ever met? 67 00:02:14,592 --> 00:02:16,560 Absolutely, and you know what? It all pools up 68 00:02:16,611 --> 00:02:18,729 right in that little satinous center below his belly button. 69 00:02:18,780 --> 00:02:20,481 I mean, he's not wrong, though. 70 00:02:20,565 --> 00:02:22,316 - His life is genuinely terrible. - You know what, Jess? 71 00:02:22,400 --> 00:02:25,602 I guess I don't live in a world where I smile, 72 00:02:25,653 --> 00:02:27,271 and people do what I want them to do. 73 00:02:27,322 --> 00:02:29,039 - You never smile. - A smile is a sign of weakness. 74 00:02:30,292 --> 00:02:31,375 No! 75 00:02:31,942 --> 00:02:33,711 All right, everybody relax. 76 00:02:43,121 --> 00:02:45,122 Get out! 77 00:02:46,173 --> 00:02:47,557 It's fixed. 78 00:02:47,624 --> 00:02:49,143 Okay, Nick, I'm calling the landlord. 79 00:02:49,227 --> 00:02:50,060 - Uh-uh. - This is ridiculous. 80 00:02:50,128 --> 00:02:51,461 Don't call the landlord. 81 00:02:51,513 --> 00:02:52,629 We don't need him here, and he's a jerk. 82 00:02:52,681 --> 00:02:54,565 See, here's an example. 83 00:02:54,632 --> 00:02:56,233 Maybe you never gave him the chance 84 00:02:56,301 --> 00:02:57,852 to show you what a great guy he is. 85 00:02:57,936 --> 00:02:59,737 Yeah, he's a terrible person. No, Jess. He sucks. 86 00:02:59,804 --> 00:03:01,138 Don't call the landlord, I'm serious. 87 00:03:01,189 --> 00:03:03,240 Okay. 88 00:03:05,643 --> 00:03:08,412 Hey, Kim, where should I put this... 89 00:03:09,479 --> 00:03:12,333 budget... report? 90 00:03:12,417 --> 00:03:14,585 - On the desk. - Yeah, um, okay. 91 00:03:14,652 --> 00:03:16,287 I'll just... Thanks. So... 92 00:03:16,338 --> 00:03:19,023 Schmidt, my files need sorting. 93 00:03:21,510 --> 00:03:24,595 Do it here... so I can watch. 94 00:03:25,662 --> 00:03:26,597 Okay. 95 00:03:26,664 --> 00:03:28,832 So, you want me to... 96 00:03:28,884 --> 00:03:31,302 sort... your files? 97 00:03:32,353 --> 00:03:33,670 Is that right? 98 00:03:38,176 --> 00:03:39,610 What are you doing? 99 00:03:39,677 --> 00:03:41,795 What am I...? Hmm? Okay. 100 00:03:41,863 --> 00:03:44,231 Because I probably got this one wet, so I'm gonna re... 101 00:03:44,316 --> 00:03:47,151 I'm just gonna replace all of them. 102 00:03:57,712 --> 00:04:00,331 Knock, knock. Mr. Landlord? 103 00:04:00,382 --> 00:04:04,468 Um, I know you probably think cupcakes are totally lame. 104 00:04:05,035 --> 00:04:06,170 I know I do, 105 00:04:06,221 --> 00:04:08,205 so if you could do me a solid and 106 00:04:08,956 --> 00:04:10,490 take care of those extras? 107 00:04:13,227 --> 00:04:15,262 Cool office. 108 00:04:15,830 --> 00:04:17,714 I like your... 109 00:04:17,782 --> 00:04:20,016 bucket of... 110 00:04:20,084 --> 00:04:21,568 gasoline. 111 00:04:21,652 --> 00:04:23,487 It's super practical. 112 00:04:24,054 --> 00:04:25,238 What you got there? 113 00:04:27,724 --> 00:04:28,909 Broom. 114 00:04:30,728 --> 00:04:32,863 So, I live in, um, Four D... 115 00:04:32,914 --> 00:04:36,900 There are a lot of real safety hazards in our loft. 116 00:04:37,651 --> 00:04:40,287 Nothing a little landlording couldn't fix. 117 00:04:40,371 --> 00:04:43,039 - What do you say? - No. 118 00:04:48,412 --> 00:04:50,680 That's a sweet picture. 119 00:04:50,748 --> 00:04:52,799 How old are your kids? 120 00:04:52,884 --> 00:04:54,301 I did that. 121 00:04:54,385 --> 00:04:58,105 It's me and my ex-wife. 122 00:04:58,189 --> 00:04:59,756 Okay, you know what? Um... 123 00:04:59,807 --> 00:05:01,675 My roommates are really scared of you, but I know 124 00:05:01,742 --> 00:05:03,727 you're a good man, and I know you don't want 125 00:05:03,778 --> 00:05:04,945 the four of us living in a dangerous apartment. 126 00:05:05,029 --> 00:05:06,614 The four of you? 127 00:05:06,698 --> 00:05:09,499 Apartment Four D, there's only supposed to be three people. 128 00:05:11,769 --> 00:05:15,105 Oh, did I say four? 129 00:05:15,173 --> 00:05:16,272 You know what? 130 00:05:16,324 --> 00:05:17,941 I was counting myself twice. 131 00:05:17,992 --> 00:05:19,459 It's so easy to do. 132 00:05:19,544 --> 00:05:22,329 Big personality over here, so... 133 00:05:22,413 --> 00:05:24,164 gonna go... 134 00:05:26,050 --> 00:05:27,417 Hey, guys. 135 00:05:27,468 --> 00:05:28,536 I've got a fun exercise. 136 00:05:28,537 --> 00:05:30,237 I'd like everybody to take a moment 137 00:05:30,322 --> 00:05:32,957 and think back to a time when they did something stupid, 138 00:05:33,024 --> 00:05:35,692 how they were treated, and how they wish they were treated. 139 00:05:35,744 --> 00:05:38,546 What did you do, Jess? LANDLORD Open up! 140 00:05:38,630 --> 00:05:40,047 Did you talk to the landlord? 141 00:05:40,131 --> 00:05:42,699 - Little bit. - Okay, it's happening. Guys, go. 142 00:05:42,751 --> 00:05:43,700 Ginny. Call me Ginny. Ginny. 143 00:05:43,752 --> 00:05:45,553 Ginny. I'm Ginny. Okay, go. 144 00:05:45,637 --> 00:05:46,921 We'll be right there. Come on, let's go. Go, go. Okay, okay. 145 00:05:47,005 --> 00:05:48,105 Come on, this is what we trained for, guys. 146 00:05:48,173 --> 00:05:49,557 Go! All the way, all the way, all the way. 147 00:05:49,641 --> 00:05:50,925 Be careful with the duvet, please. 148 00:05:51,009 --> 00:05:53,060 Shut up, Schmidt! I'm freaking out! 149 00:05:53,144 --> 00:05:55,512 - Oh, my God. - Told you we didn't practice this enough. 150 00:05:56,564 --> 00:05:57,514 Jess, close those up. 151 00:05:57,566 --> 00:05:59,383 - Oh, there goes the chinos. - Oh! 152 00:06:00,434 --> 00:06:01,735 Brad. Coach. 153 00:06:03,939 --> 00:06:06,490 Oh. Hello. 154 00:06:06,557 --> 00:06:08,993 Ginny! I had such nice time visiting Los Angeles. 155 00:06:09,060 --> 00:06:11,662 It's so many fancy people with their fancy lives. 156 00:06:11,729 --> 00:06:12,997 Oh. Hollywood! 157 00:06:13,064 --> 00:06:14,448 - Oh. - Oh, good-bye. 158 00:06:14,532 --> 00:06:15,916 - Bye, Ginny. - Yeah, Ginny. 159 00:06:16,001 --> 00:06:17,368 - Thank you for memories. - Bye, Ginny. 160 00:06:17,419 --> 00:06:19,236 Ginny. You're the best, Ginny. 161 00:06:19,287 --> 00:06:21,538 - Oh, I'll miss him. - I love Ginny. 162 00:06:21,590 --> 00:06:23,457 So, someone told me you have four people living here. 163 00:06:24,041 --> 00:06:24,875 Well, that idiot 164 00:06:24,926 --> 00:06:27,261 probably doesn't know what she's talking about, so... 165 00:06:27,345 --> 00:06:29,430 You don't want... you don't want to go in the library... 166 00:06:29,514 --> 00:06:30,764 Who left the library like this? 167 00:06:30,849 --> 00:06:31,966 You kidding me? Oh! 168 00:06:32,050 --> 00:06:33,767 Know what? This is so 169 00:06:33,852 --> 00:06:35,919 embarrassing. Who left the library like...? 170 00:06:35,971 --> 00:06:37,354 - This is a mess. - Hey, hey, where you going, my man? 171 00:06:40,659 --> 00:06:43,060 Oh. Hello. 172 00:06:43,828 --> 00:06:45,696 Train to Panama all sold out. 173 00:06:46,463 --> 00:06:47,764 Must be the Mardi Gras. 174 00:06:51,686 --> 00:06:53,420 Good God, what is this? 175 00:06:53,988 --> 00:06:55,456 Why would you do this? 176 00:06:55,540 --> 00:06:57,825 This was Schmidt's room, okay? He painted this. 177 00:06:57,909 --> 00:07:00,794 It is a sexually-charged, zero-gravity tea ceremony. 178 00:07:00,879 --> 00:07:02,379 Paint over it! 179 00:07:02,447 --> 00:07:03,881 Or you pay for it. 180 00:07:03,948 --> 00:07:06,383 He's fair. 181 00:07:06,451 --> 00:07:07,718 - Who painted that? - Giancarlo. 182 00:07:07,785 --> 00:07:09,420 Some creepo Schmidt was obsessed with. 183 00:07:09,471 --> 00:07:11,088 He used to wear a le... 184 00:07:11,139 --> 00:07:14,258 I suggest you paint it, and you paint it fast! 185 00:07:14,309 --> 00:07:15,792 Have fun, buddy. 186 00:07:15,844 --> 00:07:18,262 To be honest, I was expecting a lot worse, so just... 187 00:07:19,313 --> 00:07:20,597 Four people is fine. 188 00:07:20,648 --> 00:07:23,734 Just paint over the sex wall, and don't bother me any more. 189 00:07:23,801 --> 00:07:25,969 - Hey, sir, wait. - Jess, let.. let him go. 190 00:07:26,721 --> 00:07:28,355 I just want to apologize on behalf 191 00:07:28,440 --> 00:07:30,524 of all of us for lying to you about how many people live here. 192 00:07:30,608 --> 00:07:31,942 Stop reminding him. 193 00:07:31,993 --> 00:07:33,477 But while you're up here, might as well 194 00:07:33,528 --> 00:07:34,811 just fix a few things. 195 00:07:36,531 --> 00:07:37,965 Please... Remy? 196 00:07:38,033 --> 00:07:40,784 How did you know my name? They call you? 197 00:07:41,535 --> 00:07:42,919 I saw your tattoo that says, 198 00:07:42,987 --> 00:07:44,488 "Hello, My Name is Remy," 199 00:07:44,539 --> 00:07:46,507 and I just... I took a leap of faith. 200 00:07:46,591 --> 00:07:47,991 Look, I know you're a good guy... 201 00:07:49,043 --> 00:07:50,844 Okay, what do you... what do you want fixed? 202 00:07:50,929 --> 00:07:52,662 Why don't you close your eyes and point at something? 203 00:07:53,214 --> 00:07:55,015 Her. Not you. 204 00:08:01,311 --> 00:08:02,111 Schmidt? 205 00:08:03,611 --> 00:08:04,395 Yeah. 206 00:08:04,396 --> 00:08:06,263 I need you to clean up my hard drive. 207 00:08:06,314 --> 00:08:08,733 - Okay, do you want me to reformat first? - I said, 208 00:08:08,800 --> 00:08:09,967 I need you... 209 00:08:10,618 --> 00:08:11,519 to clean up... 210 00:08:12,103 --> 00:08:13,654 my hard drive. 211 00:08:17,943 --> 00:08:19,610 I should have seen a divorce coming. 212 00:08:19,678 --> 00:08:22,480 You know, we stopped doing the little things, like 213 00:08:22,547 --> 00:08:23,914 talking. 214 00:08:23,982 --> 00:08:25,783 One day, we were humping. 215 00:08:25,834 --> 00:08:27,585 Then everything changed. 216 00:08:27,652 --> 00:08:29,587 We weren't humping. 217 00:08:29,654 --> 00:08:31,789 That must have been really hard. 218 00:08:31,840 --> 00:08:33,040 You know, it was what it was. 219 00:08:33,125 --> 00:08:34,258 Come on, Remy. 220 00:08:35,325 --> 00:08:36,160 It was hard. 221 00:08:36,211 --> 00:08:38,162 - It was hard. - Mm. 222 00:08:39,230 --> 00:08:40,631 All right, give it a shot. 223 00:08:41,182 --> 00:08:41,849 Great. 224 00:08:43,218 --> 00:08:45,970 Okay. Oh. 225 00:08:46,021 --> 00:08:47,638 Here, I'll help... 226 00:08:48,189 --> 00:08:49,840 I'll brace you. Pull back. 227 00:08:49,891 --> 00:08:51,308 - Okay. - Use your hips. Come on. 228 00:08:51,359 --> 00:08:53,060 - Okay... - Oh! Oh, that's good. 229 00:08:53,145 --> 00:08:54,178 - That's it, is it? - Okay. 230 00:08:54,729 --> 00:08:55,646 That'll do it. 231 00:08:57,214 --> 00:08:58,149 Hey, Jess. 232 00:08:58,200 --> 00:09:00,117 Can I talk to you for a minute alone? 233 00:09:01,703 --> 00:09:03,871 So, what's up? Ready to admit you were wrong? 234 00:09:03,955 --> 00:09:07,074 Hello. My name is Nick, and I like eating crow. 235 00:09:07,159 --> 00:09:08,993 - That man wants to sleep with you. - No, he doesn't. 236 00:09:09,044 --> 00:09:10,494 - Yes, he does. - He was just showing me how to close a closet. 237 00:09:10,545 --> 00:09:12,746 Okay, anytime a man shows a woman how to do something 238 00:09:12,831 --> 00:09:14,865 from behind, it's just an excuse 239 00:09:14,916 --> 00:09:17,034 for him to get really close and breathe on her neck. 240 00:09:17,085 --> 00:09:18,669 Watch any sports movie. 241 00:09:18,720 --> 00:09:20,221 - That is not a thing. - You mind picking up that mug? 242 00:09:22,424 --> 00:09:23,757 Oh, no, you're doing it all wrong. 243 00:09:23,842 --> 00:09:25,092 Here, let me show you. 244 00:09:25,177 --> 00:09:26,927 No, no, no. I've been doing this for years. 245 00:09:27,012 --> 00:09:28,545 See, the way to pick up a mug is like that. 246 00:09:28,597 --> 00:09:31,148 - You just got to relax into it. - He wasn't doing that! 247 00:09:31,216 --> 00:09:32,216 That's exactly what he was doing. 248 00:09:32,267 --> 00:09:33,901 You always see the worst in people! 249 00:09:33,985 --> 00:09:35,186 Yeah, because people are the worst! 250 00:09:35,253 --> 00:09:37,988 Oh, five bucks! 251 00:09:38,056 --> 00:09:39,857 Look out, college. Here I come! 252 00:09:41,493 --> 00:09:44,295 That's it. People stink! 253 00:09:44,362 --> 00:09:46,447 You must have been doing something. 254 00:09:46,531 --> 00:09:47,865 Are you seriously defending the man 255 00:09:47,916 --> 00:09:49,200 who pushed me into the bushes? 256 00:09:49,267 --> 00:09:50,784 Well, people can be good. 257 00:09:50,869 --> 00:09:52,319 You just have to give them a chance to show you. 258 00:09:53,387 --> 00:09:54,955 Hey, little girl. 259 00:09:56,040 --> 00:09:57,708 You like candy? 260 00:09:57,759 --> 00:09:59,743 I sure do! 261 00:09:59,794 --> 00:10:01,095 Great! 262 00:10:01,179 --> 00:10:02,263 My nana made way too much! 263 00:10:09,204 --> 00:10:11,255 Why can't you admit you were wrong? 264 00:10:11,306 --> 00:10:14,758 I was nice, and now he's fixing our apartment. 265 00:10:14,809 --> 00:10:16,260 I'm working up an appetite in there. 266 00:10:16,311 --> 00:10:18,095 Boy, I hope you don't mind 267 00:10:18,096 --> 00:10:20,698 the smell of a real man in your room. 268 00:10:20,765 --> 00:10:23,200 Let me know when you want to get started on that bed. 269 00:10:23,268 --> 00:10:24,785 Okay. 270 00:10:27,105 --> 00:10:28,772 He's turning my mattress. 271 00:10:28,823 --> 00:10:30,124 Yeah. 272 00:10:38,049 --> 00:10:41,218 This is so wonderful. 273 00:10:43,487 --> 00:10:44,805 Oh, come on. 274 00:10:44,890 --> 00:10:47,024 Don't you ever wear jeans? Honestly, you look like 275 00:10:47,092 --> 00:10:49,510 you should be distracting James Bond at a baccarat table. 276 00:10:49,594 --> 00:10:50,978 No, I'm actually gonna go meet Kyle. 277 00:10:51,062 --> 00:10:53,180 Jess loaned her seasickness bracelets. 278 00:10:53,265 --> 00:10:55,816 Going to a party on Greg Kinnear's boat. 279 00:10:55,901 --> 00:10:58,085 You're going to a party on Neptune's Folly? 280 00:10:58,153 --> 00:11:00,237 Yeah, relax. He's not going to be there. 281 00:11:00,305 --> 00:11:01,906 I know, he's in Rio till the 16th. 282 00:11:02,673 --> 00:11:03,691 Cece, 283 00:11:03,775 --> 00:11:05,826 can I talk to you, as a... 284 00:11:06,411 --> 00:11:07,528 as a woman? 285 00:11:09,531 --> 00:11:11,782 - All right, Schmidt. - Okay. 286 00:11:11,833 --> 00:11:14,651 My boss and I, we're running a Pre-Sex Marathon right now, 287 00:11:14,703 --> 00:11:17,288 and I feel like we're stuck in mile 25. 288 00:11:17,339 --> 00:11:19,423 I'm cramping, Cece, my toenails are falling off, 289 00:11:19,424 --> 00:11:21,324 I'm peeing down my leg, it's like I can see 290 00:11:21,325 --> 00:11:23,043 the finish line, but I just can't get there. 291 00:11:23,044 --> 00:11:24,328 I need to put one of these on right now. 292 00:11:24,379 --> 00:11:25,996 The problem is is we don't talk. 293 00:11:26,047 --> 00:11:28,498 I don't know what she's thinking. 294 00:11:28,550 --> 00:11:30,768 Should I make a move or not? 295 00:11:30,835 --> 00:11:32,669 Stop asking permission and go get it. 296 00:11:33,221 --> 00:11:34,355 That's what I would want. 297 00:11:34,439 --> 00:11:38,792 There's nothing less sexy than a dude asking if he can kiss you. 298 00:11:38,860 --> 00:11:40,060 Nothing? I mean, what if 299 00:11:40,145 --> 00:11:42,062 I ate my own hair and pooped out a wig? 300 00:11:42,147 --> 00:11:44,782 What if I called my mom after sex to describe it to her? 301 00:11:44,849 --> 00:11:46,150 What if I had a croissant blog? 302 00:11:46,201 --> 00:11:47,017 Two of these now. 303 00:11:48,903 --> 00:11:50,371 Hey, Bob Ross, how's painting going? 304 00:11:50,455 --> 00:11:52,156 Going absolutely fantastic, Schmidt, 305 00:11:52,207 --> 00:11:54,458 because everything is easy... 306 00:11:54,525 --> 00:11:58,429 "when you are a battleship, invading the Bay of Success." 307 00:11:58,496 --> 00:12:00,080 - What? - I have here 308 00:12:00,165 --> 00:12:02,833 Schmidt's New Year's resolutions from 2007. 309 00:12:02,884 --> 00:12:04,802 - Oh, please, read on. - Read my favorite one. 310 00:12:04,869 --> 00:12:06,086 "Stop pursuing Caroline. 311 00:12:06,171 --> 00:12:07,755 "She's Nick's girl. 312 00:12:07,839 --> 00:12:09,223 - Deal with it. - "Deal with it." - Wow! 313 00:12:09,307 --> 00:12:10,641 - She's my girl. - Okay, where'd you find that? 314 00:12:10,708 --> 00:12:12,009 Do not ever stop reading this. 315 00:12:12,060 --> 00:12:14,228 I was very young. And drunk. 316 00:12:14,312 --> 00:12:17,231 - Were you too drunk to "begin the search for the cocoon..." - Cocoon. 317 00:12:17,315 --> 00:12:19,716 ...that will one day release your butterfly"? 318 00:12:19,768 --> 00:12:21,318 No, it does not say that one! 319 00:12:21,386 --> 00:12:22,903 - That's number three. - Come on! 320 00:12:22,988 --> 00:12:24,938 - Why are you doing this to me? - Maybe I just got 321 00:12:25,023 --> 00:12:27,891 bored painting over your interplanetary ass dojo. 322 00:12:27,942 --> 00:12:29,109 This is my favorite. 323 00:12:29,194 --> 00:12:31,111 "Find out where Winston gets his sparkle, 324 00:12:31,696 --> 00:12:32,946 - and then steal it." - Oh! 325 00:12:33,031 --> 00:12:35,032 Steal his...! You were gonna steal my sparkle? 326 00:12:35,083 --> 00:12:36,417 Give me that. 327 00:12:36,501 --> 00:12:37,951 The funniest thing just happened. 328 00:12:38,036 --> 00:12:39,086 I was watching Remy fix 329 00:12:39,170 --> 00:12:41,905 the sink, and I got totally soaked. 330 00:12:41,956 --> 00:12:43,090 You were so wet! 331 00:12:43,174 --> 00:12:44,258 Man overboard! 332 00:12:44,342 --> 00:12:45,793 So I invited Remy over 333 00:12:45,877 --> 00:12:47,761 for dinner to thank him for all the stuff 334 00:12:47,846 --> 00:12:49,463 he's been doing around the apartment. Who's in? 335 00:12:49,547 --> 00:12:52,099 - I gotta... I... - I got a boat, so... 336 00:12:52,183 --> 00:12:55,853 So, I guess it'll just be me and Jess. 337 00:12:56,920 --> 00:12:58,389 Oh, no, Remy. 338 00:12:58,456 --> 00:13:00,024 I changed my mind; I'll be there. 339 00:13:00,591 --> 00:13:01,925 Just watching you. 340 00:13:06,784 --> 00:13:08,868 Remy brought a bottle of... 341 00:13:09,953 --> 00:13:10,921 this? 342 00:13:10,972 --> 00:13:13,006 I ferment things in the basement. 343 00:13:13,091 --> 00:13:14,475 I also make cheese. 344 00:13:14,559 --> 00:13:16,126 Hm, you're not drinking that, Jess. 345 00:13:16,177 --> 00:13:18,345 Yes, I am, Remy made it. 346 00:13:20,465 --> 00:13:22,132 Ahhh. 347 00:13:22,183 --> 00:13:23,600 - Think you can handle some, Nick? - Oh, I'm okay. 348 00:13:23,651 --> 00:13:25,652 Somebody needs to stay sober to fight you later. 349 00:13:25,737 --> 00:13:27,271 Nick, be nice; How hard could it be 350 00:13:27,322 --> 00:13:28,906 to just open yourself up a little bit? 351 00:13:28,973 --> 00:13:29,990 Dip your toe 352 00:13:30,075 --> 00:13:31,358 in the pool of possibilities. 353 00:13:31,443 --> 00:13:32,276 Yeah, Nick. 354 00:13:32,327 --> 00:13:34,078 Dip your toe. 355 00:13:34,645 --> 00:13:36,113 You guys have a lot in common. 356 00:13:36,164 --> 00:13:37,981 Nick went through a break-up last year 357 00:13:38,049 --> 00:13:39,249 that was really hard on him. 358 00:13:39,317 --> 00:13:40,317 Schmidt said your mom had to fly out. 359 00:13:40,368 --> 00:13:41,869 That was a scheduled trip. 360 00:13:41,953 --> 00:13:45,122 Did you smell your girl on your sheets for months 361 00:13:45,173 --> 00:13:46,924 until they were too soaked through 362 00:13:46,991 --> 00:13:48,826 with your own sweat and tears? 363 00:13:49,393 --> 00:13:50,878 - No. - Did you punch out 364 00:13:50,962 --> 00:13:54,047 all the windows until you hit the wall and broke your hand? 365 00:13:54,132 --> 00:13:57,217 Did you go out, looking for companionship, 366 00:13:57,302 --> 00:13:59,002 a little human warmth, 367 00:13:59,053 --> 00:14:02,005 only to come to in the woods covered in animal blood? 368 00:14:03,508 --> 00:14:05,392 In my own way. 369 00:14:05,477 --> 00:14:06,894 Come here, man. 370 00:14:10,514 --> 00:14:11,865 - It's gonna be okay. - Yeah. 371 00:14:14,903 --> 00:14:18,188 Well, I guess I'll just go home and open a bottle of wine. 372 00:14:21,275 --> 00:14:22,876 Yeah, I'll probably just do the same. 373 00:14:57,579 --> 00:14:58,912 I want you. 374 00:14:58,997 --> 00:14:59,997 Now. 375 00:15:00,064 --> 00:15:01,731 Finally. 376 00:15:11,876 --> 00:15:14,744 No, no, no, no, she wanted me to! Oh, dip! 377 00:15:14,796 --> 00:15:16,880 No, no! Stop! Stop hitting him! She wanted me to! Consensual, guys! 378 00:15:16,931 --> 00:15:18,215 Tap out, ow, tap out! 379 00:15:21,085 --> 00:15:23,053 Oh, man, tonight is just... 380 00:15:23,104 --> 00:15:27,090 I-I honestly didn't know if I'd ever enjoy myself again. 381 00:15:27,441 --> 00:15:30,227 So... thanks. 382 00:15:30,778 --> 00:15:31,528 Bathroom break. 383 00:15:34,097 --> 00:15:35,231 See? 384 00:15:35,282 --> 00:15:36,600 I was right. 385 00:15:36,651 --> 00:15:38,268 - What do you mean, you're right? - You're wrong. 386 00:15:38,319 --> 00:15:41,121 You see the way he's buttering me up so he can move in on you? 387 00:15:41,206 --> 00:15:43,073 Why can't you just admit that you were wrong? 388 00:15:43,124 --> 00:15:44,708 How have you lived this long on your own? 389 00:15:44,775 --> 00:15:46,827 There is no part of that man that wants to sleep with me. 390 00:15:46,911 --> 00:15:49,213 - He's been creeping on you all night. - No, he hasn't been. 391 00:15:49,280 --> 00:15:50,380 - Open your eyes, like, I'm worried... - No! 392 00:15:53,685 --> 00:15:56,637 Oh... 393 00:15:57,421 --> 00:15:59,756 Hey, Remy, what happened to your pants? 394 00:15:59,807 --> 00:16:02,192 I've never done a threesome. 395 00:16:02,760 --> 00:16:04,461 That's what we're doing here, right? 396 00:16:06,964 --> 00:16:09,566 This I did not expect. 397 00:16:12,276 --> 00:16:14,193 I love watching you be wrong, Jess. 398 00:16:14,244 --> 00:16:15,778 I might've been a little bit off about Remy, 399 00:16:16,363 --> 00:16:19,231 but people are generally good, and I'm not wrong about that. 400 00:16:19,282 --> 00:16:20,666 Jess, people are jerks. 401 00:16:20,733 --> 00:16:22,251 He is hurting from his divorce... 402 00:16:22,335 --> 00:16:24,370 Are you still making excuses for this guy? 403 00:16:24,421 --> 00:16:26,672 Well, look, if you feel so bad, then just get in there. 404 00:16:26,739 --> 00:16:30,709 Just dip your toe into the pool of possibility. 405 00:16:30,760 --> 00:16:33,128 Hey, Remy, let's get weird and toss 406 00:16:33,213 --> 00:16:35,214 that ball around, huh? 407 00:16:36,633 --> 00:16:38,083 - So turned on. - Okay, you would 408 00:16:38,134 --> 00:16:40,219 seriously have a threesome with that man 409 00:16:40,270 --> 00:16:41,520 just to get me to admit that I'm wrong? 410 00:16:41,588 --> 00:16:43,138 I think we could do a lot worse than Remy. 411 00:16:43,223 --> 00:16:45,257 He's got strong arms. 412 00:16:50,146 --> 00:16:52,197 Let's have a threesome. 413 00:16:57,537 --> 00:16:59,104 Ugh... 414 00:17:01,908 --> 00:17:05,110 All right, so, a menage a trois is about 415 00:17:05,161 --> 00:17:07,563 - three of us... trois... - Sure. 416 00:17:07,631 --> 00:17:09,214 ...Menage-ing fully. 417 00:17:09,282 --> 00:17:10,132 - Oui. - Okay. 418 00:17:10,216 --> 00:17:13,218 This is happening with this guy. 419 00:17:13,286 --> 00:17:15,220 This is happening right now, Jess. 420 00:17:15,288 --> 00:17:16,505 - Yeah. - So, it's gonna get 421 00:17:16,590 --> 00:17:18,290 even a little more uncomfortable. 422 00:17:18,341 --> 00:17:20,309 We just have to keep talking with each other, all right? 423 00:17:20,393 --> 00:17:22,177 Around and communicating. 424 00:17:22,262 --> 00:17:23,596 Let's get some relax music going. 425 00:17:23,647 --> 00:17:25,514 - Great idea, great idea. - Okay? All right. 426 00:17:25,599 --> 00:17:27,683 Thank you. Why can't you just admit that he's a good guy? 427 00:17:27,767 --> 00:17:30,069 We are about to have a menage a trois 'cause you won't admit 428 00:17:30,136 --> 00:17:31,570 - you're wrong. You're out of your mind. - I'm just saying he's a good guy. 429 00:17:31,638 --> 00:17:34,156 ♪ 430 00:17:34,240 --> 00:17:35,240 Yeah, get into it. 431 00:17:35,308 --> 00:17:36,825 I am so into this. 432 00:17:36,910 --> 00:17:38,611 I can't wait till we're all menage-ing. 433 00:17:38,662 --> 00:17:40,812 - Are you into this, Jess? - Yeah. 434 00:17:40,864 --> 00:17:42,648 Say you're wrong. No, turn this up. It's great. 435 00:17:42,699 --> 00:17:44,750 Say it's over, and it's over. 436 00:17:44,817 --> 00:17:46,652 Don't get nervous, Nick. 437 00:17:46,703 --> 00:17:49,088 This is just a regular conversation we're having. 438 00:17:49,155 --> 00:17:50,489 - Oh, yeah. - Except I'm rubbing your back. 439 00:17:50,540 --> 00:17:52,207 - That's right. - And then I'm going to start 440 00:17:52,292 --> 00:17:54,426 unbuttoning your pants, 441 00:17:54,494 --> 00:17:56,345 and then I'm gonna 442 00:17:56,429 --> 00:17:58,213 unbutton my shirt. 443 00:17:58,298 --> 00:18:00,666 I'm not gonna take my underpants off, though. 444 00:18:00,717 --> 00:18:02,501 Not right away, I'm gonna keep my underpants on 445 00:18:02,552 --> 00:18:05,170 until I let you take my underpants off, Nick. 446 00:18:05,221 --> 00:18:07,222 Okay? Because you 447 00:18:07,307 --> 00:18:10,175 - are gonna be the underpants captain tonight. - Makes sense. 448 00:18:10,226 --> 00:18:12,010 Great choice, Remy. 449 00:18:12,062 --> 00:18:14,530 Nick will make a fantastic underpants captain. 450 00:18:14,614 --> 00:18:16,315 - Let's bring it in. - Okay. 451 00:18:16,366 --> 00:18:18,016 You two get us started. 452 00:18:18,068 --> 00:18:19,618 - Me and Jess get it started? - Yeah. 453 00:18:19,686 --> 00:18:21,071 - All right? - Us two... 454 00:18:21,186 --> 00:18:22,354 - Go ahead. - ...getting it started. 455 00:18:22,355 --> 00:18:23,522 You know what to do. 456 00:18:23,590 --> 00:18:24,790 Breathe into each other. 457 00:18:24,857 --> 00:18:26,024 - Oh, yeah, Jess. - I'm not here. 458 00:18:26,076 --> 00:18:28,210 Relax into the menage. 459 00:18:28,294 --> 00:18:29,962 Let's get this started, Nick. 460 00:18:30,029 --> 00:18:31,163 - - You doing this? - Yes. - Come together. 461 00:18:31,214 --> 00:18:32,464 - Are you doing this? Cause I'm... - Yes. 462 00:18:32,532 --> 00:18:33,666 - I will do it. - All right, okay. 463 00:18:33,717 --> 00:18:34,717 - We're gonna do it. - Then let's do this. 464 00:18:34,801 --> 00:18:36,085 Nick, I will do this. 465 00:18:36,169 --> 00:18:37,302 Say that you're wrong, and it's over. 466 00:18:37,370 --> 00:18:38,387 - I'm not wrong. - Jess, you can't do this. 467 00:18:38,471 --> 00:18:40,305 - But I can. - Okay. 468 00:18:40,373 --> 00:18:41,473 Let's do this, Nick. 469 00:18:41,541 --> 00:18:42,591 - Let's do it, Jess. - I can do it. 470 00:18:42,676 --> 00:18:43,592 No, okay! 471 00:18:43,677 --> 00:18:45,394 Fine, I admit it, I'm wrong. 472 00:18:45,478 --> 00:18:47,479 Yes! Yes! 473 00:18:47,547 --> 00:18:48,897 I'm sorry, Remy. 474 00:18:49,482 --> 00:18:50,516 What, we're not doing this? 475 00:18:50,567 --> 00:18:51,817 - No. - We're not doing it. 476 00:18:51,885 --> 00:18:52,935 I get it, cold feet is just, you know, 477 00:18:53,020 --> 00:18:54,570 - it's part of the journey, so... - Whoa! 478 00:18:54,654 --> 00:18:56,271 What is going on in here? 479 00:18:57,356 --> 00:18:59,725 All right, I am not ready for a four-way. 480 00:18:59,776 --> 00:19:02,244 That's, uh, I'm-I'm... 481 00:19:02,328 --> 00:19:03,829 I'm out of this. 482 00:19:07,033 --> 00:19:09,118 To be honest, I'm kind of riding a weird ego high. 483 00:19:10,502 --> 00:19:11,470 Why didn't you tell me 484 00:19:11,538 --> 00:19:13,455 four people couldn't live in this apartment? 485 00:19:13,540 --> 00:19:16,592 If we're gonna do a shenanigan, I'm fine with doing shenanigans. 486 00:19:16,676 --> 00:19:17,960 I love shenanigans, 487 00:19:18,044 --> 00:19:19,311 as long as no one gets hurt. 488 00:19:21,347 --> 00:19:22,931 Okay, just so we're clear, 489 00:19:23,016 --> 00:19:24,416 we're gonna have to live with this, right? 490 00:19:24,467 --> 00:19:26,552 - Yep. - Absolutely. 491 00:19:27,503 --> 00:19:29,221 Hey, Kim? 492 00:19:29,272 --> 00:19:30,723 Look, I just wanted to apologize for yesterday. 493 00:19:30,774 --> 00:19:33,542 I hope you didn't get into too much trouble, I just... 494 00:19:33,610 --> 00:19:36,395 I really don't want to lose my job, okay? 495 00:19:36,446 --> 00:19:38,781 I've worked at Associated Strategies for six years. 496 00:19:39,365 --> 00:19:41,767 Nothing means more to me than Ass Strat. 497 00:19:41,818 --> 00:19:43,152 Your lip is bleeding. 498 00:19:43,219 --> 00:19:44,936 It opens back up when I talk. 499 00:19:44,988 --> 00:19:48,774 Look... Kim, this wasn't your standard 2:00 a.m. 500 00:19:48,825 --> 00:19:50,959 mistaken assault in the parking garage. 501 00:19:51,044 --> 00:19:53,078 I've had a thing for you every since I was 502 00:19:53,129 --> 00:19:54,747 the husky kid in the mailroom. 503 00:19:54,798 --> 00:19:57,116 And if... if you don't believe me... 504 00:19:57,183 --> 00:19:59,218 here you go. 505 00:19:59,285 --> 00:20:01,136 Straight from '07. Read resolution number four. 506 00:20:01,221 --> 00:20:02,755 It's about you. 507 00:20:02,806 --> 00:20:07,443 "Only think about hot new C.F.O. Every other time I masturbate." 508 00:20:07,510 --> 00:20:09,595 I did not live up to the challenge. 509 00:20:09,646 --> 00:20:13,131 Number seven: "Start floating idea that people call me" 510 00:20:13,183 --> 00:20:15,851 "Mr. Finish/Garee Time Jones/ 511 00:20:15,919 --> 00:20:18,353 - The Hook-up-erator." - Can I...? 512 00:20:18,438 --> 00:20:21,657 Number nine: "Just pick a color of Crocs and buy them already." 513 00:20:21,741 --> 00:20:23,041 Okay, thank you. 514 00:20:24,944 --> 00:20:25,977 Hey. 515 00:20:27,329 --> 00:20:30,466 Go into the conference room and dial me into the Tokyo call. 516 00:20:30,533 --> 00:20:32,134 Now. 517 00:20:35,287 --> 00:20:36,822 Yeah. 518 00:20:36,873 --> 00:20:38,757 ♪ 519 00:20:49,502 --> 00:20:51,436 Pants! Pants! 520 00:21:15,962 --> 00:21:17,212 ...five, six... 521 00:21:17,297 --> 00:21:20,516 I dialed you into the Tokyo conference call. 522 00:21:23,837 --> 00:21:28,223 Yo... you look awesome. 523 00:21:32,061 --> 00:21:33,362 My door is always open. 524 00:21:35,946 --> 00:21:40,981 Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com