1
00:00:01,123 --> 00:00:04,424
That's classic Nick Miller.
Hey look, I'm holding your hand, and what?
2
00:00:04,551 --> 00:00:06,385
Yeah, I want to go out tonight.
3
00:00:06,453 --> 00:00:08,387
Ugh, couples!
4
00:00:08,455 --> 00:00:10,522
Boo. Hiss.
5
00:00:10,590 --> 00:00:12,958
Every time you have sex
with the same person, Jess,
6
00:00:13,025 --> 00:00:15,426
you die just a little bit.
7
00:00:15,494 --> 00:00:16,895
It's like a copy
of a copy.
8
00:00:16,963 --> 00:00:19,130
But lucky us-- we get to go
out looking for some strange.
9
00:00:19,198 --> 00:00:21,599
- Happy V-Day, player!
- Holla!
10
00:00:21,666 --> 00:00:24,034
Look, Jess, truth is, I don't
go out on Valentine's Day.
11
00:00:24,103 --> 00:00:25,936
- What?
- There's no thrill.
12
00:00:26,004 --> 00:00:28,506
You know, all these bars filled
with emotionally vulnerable women.
13
00:00:28,574 --> 00:00:30,941
I'm like a Dominican teenager
playing Little League.
14
00:00:31,009 --> 00:00:32,610
It's just not fair
for everybody else.
15
00:00:32,677 --> 00:00:34,845
It's my first single
Valentine's Day in six years,
16
00:00:34,913 --> 00:00:37,081
and I...
I need to go out, okay?
17
00:00:38,148 --> 00:00:39,416
We need to go out.
18
00:00:39,684 --> 00:00:41,551
'Cause I'm feeling
pretty twirly.
19
00:00:41,620 --> 00:00:43,487
- Twirly?
- Twirly.
20
00:00:43,554 --> 00:00:46,156
- Is that like horny?
- I got the dirty twirls, Schmidtty.
21
00:00:46,724 --> 00:00:50,927
Watch out, 'cause you're
about to get laid... world!
22
00:00:50,995 --> 00:00:53,663
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
23
00:00:53,664 --> 00:00:55,356
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
24
00:00:55,365 --> 00:00:57,466
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ It's Jess. ♪
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
25
00:00:57,534 --> 00:00:58,801
So, we're doing this--
26
00:00:58,869 --> 00:01:00,003
full-on Valentine's.
27
00:01:00,770 --> 00:01:01,871
What'd you do last year?
28
00:01:01,939 --> 00:01:03,438
I was fighting with Caroline.
29
00:01:03,506 --> 00:01:04,673
What were you fighting about?
30
00:01:04,741 --> 00:01:06,108
Oh, you know, the usual--
31
00:01:06,175 --> 00:01:08,610
about how I make too much money
and I dress too fancy
32
00:01:08,678 --> 00:01:10,245
and I'm too good
at communicating my feelings.
33
00:01:10,312 --> 00:01:11,379
- Right.
- Well, this year
34
00:01:11,447 --> 00:01:12,648
we're gonna make up for it.
35
00:01:12,715 --> 00:01:14,116
You and me
are gonna do
36
00:01:14,183 --> 00:01:16,752
a real Valentine's
Day date.
37
00:01:16,819 --> 00:01:18,953
I know. God,
what's the plan?
38
00:01:19,021 --> 00:01:20,988
Well, first of all, you're
gonna need a map of Arizona.
39
00:01:21,056 --> 00:01:22,222
I can get that.
40
00:01:22,290 --> 00:01:23,290
And a container
that you're
41
00:01:23,358 --> 00:01:24,458
comfortable
getting urine in.
42
00:01:27,029 --> 00:01:29,130
No. Bad idea.
43
00:01:29,197 --> 00:01:31,431
You can't go on a first date
on Valentine's Day, Winston.
44
00:01:31,499 --> 00:01:33,668
Dude, I'm telling you,
it's not a first date, man.
45
00:01:33,735 --> 00:01:35,635
We used to hook up all the time.
46
00:01:35,703 --> 00:01:38,237
You know, for two years I had her
number stored in my phone as "Shretty,"
47
00:01:38,305 --> 00:01:39,739
'cause I was too drunk
to type "Shelby."
48
00:01:39,807 --> 00:01:41,107
She just wanted a
relaxed night in.
49
00:01:41,175 --> 00:01:43,076
It actually sounds
kind of sexy.
50
00:01:43,144 --> 00:01:44,911
Dude, we're just trying to figure
each other out, that's all.
51
00:01:44,979 --> 00:01:46,479
You know where that
puts you in six months?
52
00:01:46,547 --> 00:01:48,014
Yeah, watching
It's Complicated on DVD
53
00:01:48,082 --> 00:01:50,249
while you cradle your
newborn baby to sleep.
54
00:01:50,317 --> 00:01:52,384
And guess what?
It's not complicated.
55
00:01:52,752 --> 00:01:53,752
It's about a bunch
of rich white people
56
00:01:53,820 --> 00:01:54,987
who are remodeling
their kitchen.
57
00:01:55,055 --> 00:01:56,555
Are you sure you're
really ready for that?
58
00:01:56,622 --> 00:01:57,923
Dude, it's gonna be great.
59
00:01:57,991 --> 00:01:59,624
What are you doing?
60
00:01:59,693 --> 00:02:00,926
I'm packing
an overnight bag
61
00:02:00,994 --> 00:02:02,294
in case I have
one-night sex.
62
00:02:02,361 --> 00:02:04,396
I've got
a T-shirt, socks...
63
00:02:04,463 --> 00:02:05,530
Is this a sewing kit?
64
00:02:05,598 --> 00:02:06,831
Yes, it's a sewing kit.
65
00:02:06,899 --> 00:02:08,099
Stain remover.
♪ Hello? ♪
66
00:02:08,167 --> 00:02:10,101
You don't have
67
00:02:10,169 --> 00:02:12,503
one-night stands--
you get way too attached.
68
00:02:12,571 --> 00:02:13,971
I mean, you could have
an emotional connection
69
00:02:14,039 --> 00:02:15,372
with a shoe on the
side of the road.
70
00:02:15,440 --> 00:02:17,575
Oh, one shoe?
I hate that.
71
00:02:17,642 --> 00:02:18,910
Is this Schmidt's idea.
72
00:02:18,977 --> 00:02:20,111
It's my idea.
73
00:02:20,179 --> 00:02:22,946
I want to try
a one-night stand. Tonight...
74
00:02:23,014 --> 00:02:25,849
is all about what
Little Jess wants.
75
00:02:26,984 --> 00:02:29,052
Little Jess.
76
00:02:29,120 --> 00:02:31,354
Okay, all right.
I am gonna text Kyle
77
00:02:31,422 --> 00:02:32,756
and tell him
to meet us at the bar,
78
00:02:32,824 --> 00:02:34,791
because I'm not leaving
you alone like this...
79
00:02:34,859 --> 00:02:36,093
with all of that.
80
00:02:40,395 --> 00:02:41,396
I'm sorry, I don't know
81
00:02:41,464 --> 00:02:43,065
who's smelling what tonight.
82
00:02:43,633 --> 00:02:44,533
Excuse me, you know where
83
00:02:44,534 --> 00:02:45,634
Julia Cleary's
office is?
84
00:02:45,702 --> 00:02:47,402
Uh, does she need to
sign for something?
85
00:02:47,470 --> 00:02:49,071
Little late for a
package, isn't it?
86
00:02:49,139 --> 00:02:50,539
Let me guess, your
bike broke down.
87
00:02:50,607 --> 00:02:51,807
Fixed-gear,
single-speed.
88
00:02:51,875 --> 00:02:53,275
I've been rocking
a three-speed.
89
00:02:53,343 --> 00:02:54,643
No, I'm not
a bike messenger.
90
00:02:54,711 --> 00:02:55,877
- Follow me.
- Okay.
91
00:02:55,945 --> 00:02:57,145
She can get
pretty cranky
92
00:02:57,213 --> 00:02:58,412
when she gets
interrupted,
93
00:02:58,480 --> 00:03:00,849
but I'll tell you what,
I would still hit that.
94
00:03:00,916 --> 00:03:02,583
I mean, despite
the age difference,
95
00:03:02,751 --> 00:03:04,952
I would just take
that to Pound Town.
96
00:03:05,019 --> 00:03:06,387
You know what I mean?
97
00:03:06,455 --> 00:03:08,456
Just take her a visit
to the boneyard.
98
00:03:08,624 --> 00:03:10,190
You know what I'm saying.
99
00:03:10,726 --> 00:03:11,759
Hey, Nick.
100
00:03:11,826 --> 00:03:12,926
That's my
boyfriend, Nick.
101
00:03:12,994 --> 00:03:14,594
Hi. That's my little
intern, Cliff.
102
00:03:14,862 --> 00:03:16,028
- Excuse me, Cliff.
- What...?
103
00:03:16,096 --> 00:03:17,631
Could you get him a water?
104
00:03:17,698 --> 00:03:19,233
Thank you.
105
00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:20,800
Hey, Cliff.
106
00:03:21,970 --> 00:03:23,036
Thanks, Cliff.
107
00:03:24,104 --> 00:03:26,173
Sorry it's such
a mess in here.
108
00:03:26,241 --> 00:03:28,007
But... I went full out
109
00:03:28,075 --> 00:03:29,742
with the cheesy
Valentine's Day stuff.
110
00:03:29,810 --> 00:03:31,144
Are you ready for it?
111
00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:32,845
- What did you do?
- Ha-ha!
112
00:03:32,913 --> 00:03:34,647
Heart boxers!
These are the best!
113
00:03:34,714 --> 00:03:36,415
- Right? - I'm putting them on
right now over my pants.
114
00:03:36,483 --> 00:03:39,551
- You can't stop me.
- I don't want to stop you, because I...
115
00:03:39,619 --> 00:03:41,387
am gonna be rockin'
this action.
116
00:03:42,954 --> 00:03:43,988
You were born
to wear that thing.
117
00:03:44,055 --> 00:03:45,657
- We can never talk about any
of this, to anybody. - Okay.
118
00:03:45,724 --> 00:03:47,425
- Can we go?
- I have a little bit
119
00:03:47,493 --> 00:03:49,027
more work to do--
just, like, an hour.
120
00:03:53,132 --> 00:03:55,566
- Hey, babe.
- Ooh, you brought wine.
121
00:03:55,634 --> 00:03:57,335
- Yeah.
- Good. We're almost out.
122
00:03:57,403 --> 00:03:58,436
It's not the food!
123
00:03:58,504 --> 00:04:00,069
Come on in.
Pick out a polish.
124
00:04:00,237 --> 00:04:02,406
He looks like a player.
125
00:04:02,973 --> 00:04:04,508
Ah. Never mind.
126
00:04:04,575 --> 00:04:06,844
I thought we said no guys.
127
00:04:07,412 --> 00:04:09,613
I am not
touching his feet.
128
00:04:09,681 --> 00:04:11,115
- I'm not kidding you.
- That's amazing.
129
00:04:11,183 --> 00:04:12,716
Where's what's his name?
130
00:04:12,784 --> 00:04:15,051
We are actually gonna
meet up later, because...
131
00:04:15,919 --> 00:04:17,020
he's got a little
surprise for me.
132
00:04:17,587 --> 00:04:19,022
Spoiler: it's his penis.
133
00:04:19,089 --> 00:04:20,656
Okay, stop. Enough.
134
00:04:20,724 --> 00:04:21,457
Pay attention.
135
00:04:21,525 --> 00:04:22,959
- You're from Oregon?
- Yeah.
136
00:04:23,027 --> 00:04:24,760
- I'm from Oregon.
- Oh, no. What?
137
00:04:24,829 --> 00:04:26,495
I mean, how often
do you meet Oregonians?
138
00:04:26,563 --> 00:04:27,697
I don't know.
139
00:04:27,764 --> 00:04:28,832
Oh, could you hold on
one second?
140
00:04:28,899 --> 00:04:30,399
- Yeah. Sure.
- Okay.
141
00:04:30,467 --> 00:04:33,435
Oh, my God, he's from
Oregon; I'm from Oregon.
142
00:04:33,502 --> 00:04:34,837
- Bad idea.
- No, you can't do this.
143
00:04:34,904 --> 00:04:35,770
- Horrible.
- I'm sorry.
144
00:04:35,839 --> 00:04:36,939
You bonded emotionally.
145
00:04:37,006 --> 00:04:38,373
If you end up
having sex with him,
146
00:04:38,441 --> 00:04:40,876
it's gonna be missionary
with a lot of eye contact.
147
00:04:40,944 --> 00:04:43,078
- Look, that is not one-night-stand material.
- You got to listen to him.
148
00:04:43,146 --> 00:04:44,746
He's right on
this one. Sorry.
149
00:04:44,814 --> 00:04:46,014
I know what
I'm talking about.
150
00:04:46,082 --> 00:04:47,514
I have my 10,000 hours.
151
00:04:48,082 --> 00:04:49,183
Outliers.
You should read it.
152
00:04:49,251 --> 00:04:50,484
Malcolm Gladwell.
153
00:04:50,552 --> 00:04:51,986
It's one of my
desert island books.
154
00:04:52,054 --> 00:04:54,021
Along with Machiavelli's
The Prince,
155
00:04:54,089 --> 00:04:55,990
Freak by John Leguizamo,
any of the scripts
156
00:04:56,058 --> 00:04:57,791
from the first season
of Vampire Diaries,
157
00:04:57,860 --> 00:05:00,094
- a little Phantom T.
- I love Phantom Tollbooth.
158
00:05:00,162 --> 00:05:02,830
Of course you do--
you're a human being.
159
00:05:02,897 --> 00:05:04,331
So no connection?
160
00:05:04,398 --> 00:05:06,432
- Zero.
- Sorry, babe. No.
161
00:05:10,637 --> 00:05:11,804
Good girl.
162
00:05:11,873 --> 00:05:13,673
♪ ♪
163
00:05:17,444 --> 00:05:18,411
Hey.
164
00:05:19,079 --> 00:05:20,346
Could I have your cherry?
165
00:05:20,413 --> 00:05:22,014
- Sure.
- Cool.
166
00:05:25,785 --> 00:05:26,852
Sorry.
167
00:05:39,498 --> 00:05:42,566
You okay, lady?
168
00:05:43,334 --> 00:05:44,435
Hmm.
169
00:05:44,903 --> 00:05:46,670
Schwing!
170
00:05:51,077 --> 00:05:52,744
Hey, guys. Um...
171
00:05:52,912 --> 00:05:54,079
this is Oliver.
172
00:05:54,147 --> 00:05:55,280
Um, Oliver
173
00:05:55,348 --> 00:05:57,182
- is a...
- Web creator.
174
00:05:57,250 --> 00:05:58,717
Web creator.
175
00:05:58,784 --> 00:06:00,919
Uh, also,
we both
176
00:06:00,987 --> 00:06:02,386
- love... lunch.
- Lunch.
177
00:06:02,954 --> 00:06:03,787
Love lunch.
178
00:06:03,855 --> 00:06:05,356
- You're kidding.
- Wow, what a coincidence.
179
00:06:05,424 --> 00:06:06,790
When people
talk about
180
00:06:06,858 --> 00:06:08,726
breakfast being the most
important meal of the day,
181
00:06:08,793 --> 00:06:10,261
- I'm, like...
- What...
182
00:06:10,329 --> 00:06:11,528
- what?!
- Is that?!
183
00:06:11,596 --> 00:06:13,631
What about lunch, man?
184
00:06:17,368 --> 00:06:18,368
You want another drink?
185
00:06:18,436 --> 00:06:19,569
If I didn't know ya better,
186
00:06:19,638 --> 00:06:20,570
I'd think you're tryin'
to liquor me up!
187
00:06:21,639 --> 00:06:22,906
Why are you talking like that?
188
00:06:22,974 --> 00:06:24,574
Oh, Oliver...
189
00:06:25,143 --> 00:06:27,143
we have nothing in common.
190
00:06:31,581 --> 00:06:34,383
Yes! I have no emotional
connection to him at all.
191
00:06:34,451 --> 00:06:37,153
But I'm just gonna
eat lunch off that butt.
192
00:06:38,622 --> 00:06:40,156
So, what about you?
193
00:06:40,223 --> 00:06:41,323
What about that
redhead over there?
194
00:06:41,391 --> 00:06:42,491
I thought you
totally had that.
195
00:06:42,559 --> 00:06:44,259
Oh, that's
in process.
196
00:06:44,326 --> 00:06:46,461
This is where I do this
kind of, like, look thing,
197
00:06:46,529 --> 00:06:48,830
where, like, my confusion
makes her confused...
198
00:06:49,398 --> 00:06:50,532
and, then, also
kind of hot.
199
00:06:52,099 --> 00:06:53,301
Let me help you.
200
00:06:54,770 --> 00:06:56,404
I'm gonna make her jealous.
201
00:06:56,472 --> 00:06:58,073
All right, can
you... can you stop?
202
00:06:58,141 --> 00:07:01,408
Cece, you are way
too beautiful.
203
00:07:01,476 --> 00:07:03,377
She'll think she doesn't
have a shot with me.
204
00:07:03,444 --> 00:07:04,912
Can you stop looking
at me like that, please?
205
00:07:04,980 --> 00:07:06,914
What look? I'm not
even looking at you.
206
00:07:06,982 --> 00:07:09,150
The pouty one, the
naughty baby Indian.
207
00:07:09,217 --> 00:07:11,618
I just ate something
spicy, and now my lip is swollen. Mm-hmm.
208
00:07:11,687 --> 00:07:13,620
Baby! Hi!
209
00:07:13,689 --> 00:07:15,655
Hey!
210
00:07:15,723 --> 00:07:17,490
All right, just
get in there, man.
211
00:07:18,258 --> 00:07:19,092
Clean it all out.
212
00:07:19,660 --> 00:07:20,326
Like a dentist.
213
00:07:20,394 --> 00:07:21,460
Hey!
214
00:07:21,528 --> 00:07:23,229
- Hey-hey-hey-hey!
- Wow!
215
00:07:23,297 --> 00:07:24,430
Look, look.
216
00:07:24,498 --> 00:07:25,732
Surprise!
217
00:07:25,800 --> 00:07:27,266
'Shrooms.
218
00:07:27,334 --> 00:07:29,335
- Oh, Kyle, you really shouldn't have.
- I ate three.
219
00:07:29,403 --> 00:07:30,936
I ate three. Three.
220
00:07:31,104 --> 00:07:32,270
On a pizza!
221
00:07:32,338 --> 00:07:33,471
Look at you, man.
222
00:07:33,539 --> 00:07:34,707
You're a champion.
223
00:07:34,774 --> 00:07:37,176
Okay, um, we're gonna go, 'cause
he's about to get real handsy
224
00:07:37,243 --> 00:07:38,610
and a little racist.
225
00:07:38,678 --> 00:07:40,645
So, you'll watch Jess?
226
00:07:40,714 --> 00:07:42,081
Yeah, yeah, I will.
227
00:07:42,148 --> 00:07:43,582
Okay. Let's go, Kyle.
228
00:07:43,649 --> 00:07:44,950
Schmidtty, Schmidtty, Schmidtty.
229
00:07:45,018 --> 00:07:47,785
Hey, um, so, I'm gonna
go home with Oliver.
230
00:07:47,853 --> 00:07:49,787
Great! I'm so happy...
231
00:07:49,855 --> 00:07:51,322
Hey, three words:
232
00:07:51,989 --> 00:07:52,790
Double bag it.
233
00:07:52,858 --> 00:07:54,826
I got that covered. Um...
234
00:07:55,393 --> 00:07:56,360
These guys...
235
00:07:56,428 --> 00:07:58,696
- hundy bag, so...
- A hundred condoms?
236
00:07:58,764 --> 00:08:01,065
- What, are you gonna have sex with an army?
- ♪ Oh, I'm gonna ♪
237
00:08:01,133 --> 00:08:02,999
- ♪ Get up in it, mon. ♪
- That's the biggest box of condoms
238
00:08:03,067 --> 00:08:04,167
I've ever seen, honestly.
239
00:08:04,235 --> 00:08:05,535
Does it have, like, a roller?
240
00:08:05,603 --> 00:08:07,537
Like, you know, you go
through the airport with it?
241
00:08:07,605 --> 00:08:09,339
I'm gonna rip him a new one.
242
00:08:09,406 --> 00:08:10,306
Very intimidating.
243
00:08:10,374 --> 00:08:11,742
A normal man
244
00:08:11,809 --> 00:08:13,476
can go maybe three times
in a night,
245
00:08:13,544 --> 00:08:14,878
depending on how
much salmon he's had.
246
00:08:14,946 --> 00:08:17,480
He's literally the most
boring person I've ever met.
247
00:08:17,548 --> 00:08:19,949
He's described every lunch
he's had this week,
248
00:08:20,016 --> 00:08:22,118
and three of them were tacos.
249
00:08:22,185 --> 00:08:24,253
- My work here is done.
- Not really.
250
00:08:24,320 --> 00:08:25,755
Little favor.
He doesn't have
251
00:08:25,822 --> 00:08:28,290
a car, I don't have a car,
'cause I came with you, so I...
252
00:08:28,358 --> 00:08:29,424
No, no, no, no.
253
00:08:29,492 --> 00:08:31,493
No. No.
254
00:08:31,561 --> 00:08:33,996
One of the tacos
had extra cheese,
255
00:08:34,064 --> 00:08:36,464
and the other one
had avocados.
256
00:08:36,531 --> 00:08:37,732
And cheese.
257
00:08:37,800 --> 00:08:39,700
And cheese, actually.
258
00:08:42,603 --> 00:08:43,772
Well, I guess
259
00:08:43,839 --> 00:08:45,439
it's time to take
that Chinese head
260
00:08:45,507 --> 00:08:47,541
out of that Chinese ass, Ming.
261
00:08:47,609 --> 00:08:49,110
That's so sweet.
262
00:08:49,178 --> 00:08:51,211
- I love that. Thank you.
- Hey, I pushed
263
00:08:51,279 --> 00:08:53,313
- the reservation to 8:30.
- Okay, I just need
264
00:08:53,381 --> 00:08:54,514
40 to 50 more
minutes, okay?
265
00:08:54,582 --> 00:08:55,749
- I'm sorry.
- No, no, no.
266
00:08:55,817 --> 00:08:57,951
Hey, Confucius say:
267
00:08:58,019 --> 00:09:00,720
"You work for me."
268
00:09:06,761 --> 00:09:07,493
What, Winston?
269
00:09:07,560 --> 00:09:08,761
Hey, man, look, I'm sorry
270
00:09:08,829 --> 00:09:09,996
to call you--
I know you're at dinner.
271
00:09:10,063 --> 00:09:11,297
No, I'm not, Winston.
I'm actually
272
00:09:11,364 --> 00:09:12,598
hanging out with
a guy named Cliff.
273
00:09:12,666 --> 00:09:13,633
Are we hanging out?
274
00:09:14,166 --> 00:09:15,233
That's awesome.
275
00:09:15,302 --> 00:09:16,502
Listen here, man,
I'm at Shelby's house.
276
00:09:16,503 --> 00:09:17,803
And there's
two other girls here.
277
00:09:17,804 --> 00:09:19,037
They're drinking
cranberry juice, talking about
278
00:09:19,105 --> 00:09:20,673
Michelle Obama's
upper-body workout.
279
00:09:20,740 --> 00:09:22,308
I got a nose strip
on my face, man.
280
00:09:22,375 --> 00:09:23,541
- So leave.
- It's just that...
281
00:09:23,609 --> 00:09:25,576
I really enjoy
being around this girl.
282
00:09:25,644 --> 00:09:27,145
All right, so stay.
283
00:09:27,213 --> 00:09:28,780
You know what,
I'm gonna stay. I'm gonna...
284
00:09:32,284 --> 00:09:33,884
Can I ask you something?
285
00:09:33,952 --> 00:09:34,820
With her, the...
286
00:09:35,587 --> 00:09:37,488
is it... is it gentle,
287
00:09:37,556 --> 00:09:40,757
or is it...
not so gentle?
288
00:09:41,526 --> 00:09:43,393
You know what I mean?
289
00:09:43,961 --> 00:09:47,531
- Yeah, I'm gonna act like you didn't
just say that, Cliff. - Fair enough.
290
00:09:47,598 --> 00:09:49,266
Yeah, Ming, I got your text.
291
00:09:49,334 --> 00:09:51,401
What-what part of that
did you not understand?
292
00:09:51,469 --> 00:09:53,070
Do you want some
champagne, Cliff?
293
00:10:03,314 --> 00:10:04,881
What is that?
294
00:10:04,949 --> 00:10:05,982
Is he injured?
295
00:10:06,550 --> 00:10:07,283
No, I think...
296
00:10:07,851 --> 00:10:08,751
Pause. Pause.
297
00:10:08,819 --> 00:10:10,919
Why are you pausing?
298
00:10:10,987 --> 00:10:12,520
Bathroom break.
299
00:10:12,588 --> 00:10:13,922
It's right in the
middle of the movie.
300
00:10:13,990 --> 00:10:15,123
What are...
What's wrong with him?
301
00:10:15,191 --> 00:10:16,791
Why are you still here?
302
00:10:16,860 --> 00:10:17,926
You don't have a car,
he doesn't
303
00:10:17,994 --> 00:10:19,161
have a car;
How you gonna get home?
304
00:10:19,229 --> 00:10:21,529
I'm gonna take a cab, Schmidt.
305
00:10:21,597 --> 00:10:23,198
It's a horrible
neighborhood, okay?
306
00:10:23,266 --> 00:10:25,100
There are youths everywhere.
307
00:10:25,168 --> 00:10:27,534
Youths? Are you
Officer Krupke?
308
00:10:27,602 --> 00:10:28,336
Would you st...
309
00:10:28,403 --> 00:10:30,271
Damn it.
310
00:10:30,339 --> 00:10:32,240
It's Cece. Hello?
311
00:10:32,307 --> 00:10:34,942
Why are you crashing
Jess's one-night stand?
312
00:10:35,010 --> 00:10:36,277
Well, he asked me if I wanted
to watch Planet of the Apes.
313
00:10:36,345 --> 00:10:38,512
- I didn't know he meant right now.
- Ugh.
314
00:10:38,580 --> 00:10:40,181
- What's wrong with you?
- Hate you. Tell him to leave.
315
00:10:40,249 --> 00:10:41,815
Get out of there, Schmidt.
316
00:10:41,884 --> 00:10:43,416
Leave your car there,
317
00:10:43,484 --> 00:10:44,684
and I'll come get you, okay?
318
00:10:44,752 --> 00:10:46,019
What is going on over there?
319
00:10:46,087 --> 00:10:47,354
Where are you; where's Kyle?
320
00:10:47,421 --> 00:10:49,122
I'm at a playground.
321
00:10:49,190 --> 00:10:50,390
Kyle's shrooming.
322
00:10:50,457 --> 00:10:51,524
Woo-woo.
323
00:10:51,592 --> 00:10:52,759
I'll see you guys later.
324
00:10:54,561 --> 00:10:56,196
I love brown people!
325
00:10:56,264 --> 00:10:58,131
That's racist, Kyle.
326
00:10:58,699 --> 00:10:59,598
Excuse me.
327
00:11:00,165 --> 00:11:01,132
Back to the movie.
328
00:11:02,869 --> 00:11:03,702
Ready?
329
00:11:03,770 --> 00:11:05,170
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
330
00:11:07,840 --> 00:11:09,708
These monkeys look so real.
331
00:11:09,776 --> 00:11:10,776
Apes.
332
00:11:10,843 --> 00:11:11,743
They're apes.
333
00:11:11,811 --> 00:11:13,845
Oh... you're one of those.
334
00:11:13,914 --> 00:11:15,113
- Get out.
- Like there's a real difference?
335
00:11:15,180 --> 00:11:17,481
- Get out now!
- All right.
336
00:11:25,891 --> 00:11:27,825
Youths!
337
00:11:27,893 --> 00:11:29,127
You know what, Cliff?
338
00:11:29,694 --> 00:11:31,528
I'm sorry,
I'm just feeling very romantic,
339
00:11:31,629 --> 00:11:33,297
and I have nowhere
else to put it,
340
00:11:33,364 --> 00:11:34,898
so happy Valentine's
Day, good looking.
341
00:11:35,416 --> 00:11:36,499
- You know what?
- What?
342
00:11:36,567 --> 00:11:37,801
Put it right here.
343
00:11:37,868 --> 00:11:40,370
'Cause I-I like it.
344
00:11:40,438 --> 00:11:42,572
So how did you get
that far into law school
345
00:11:42,640 --> 00:11:43,873
and then drop out?
346
00:11:43,942 --> 00:11:46,209
Well, I got my heart broken.
347
00:11:46,277 --> 00:11:48,510
- Yeah.
- And then everything got weird.
348
00:11:48,578 --> 00:11:51,647
- I started playing guitar in an
alt-country-ska band. - Sure.
349
00:11:52,214 --> 00:11:53,449
- Gambling a lot.
- Yeah.
350
00:11:53,516 --> 00:11:56,285
There was a really weird week
where I wore a long blonde wig
351
00:11:56,353 --> 00:11:58,220
and I made everybody
call me Sandy Ferguson.
352
00:11:58,288 --> 00:12:00,622
I have never loved
anyone that much.
353
00:12:00,690 --> 00:12:02,891
Then I drove to Mexico, and I
tried to enter a cockfight.
354
00:12:02,959 --> 00:12:04,059
As a person?
355
00:12:04,626 --> 00:12:06,194
Yes, Cliff, as a person.
356
00:12:07,062 --> 00:12:08,062
Come on!
357
00:12:08,330 --> 00:12:09,431
Get me out of here!
358
00:12:09,998 --> 00:12:11,799
Help! Help!
359
00:12:11,867 --> 00:12:14,836
I've had a tough
couple of days, Freddie.
360
00:12:14,903 --> 00:12:17,205
The point of the story is
I looked around at my life
361
00:12:17,273 --> 00:12:19,706
and I realized that I didn't
want to work for somebody else
362
00:12:20,274 --> 00:12:21,541
my whole life.
363
00:12:21,609 --> 00:12:23,543
That is exactly
how I feel, man.
364
00:12:23,611 --> 00:12:25,545
Yeah, but the second
half of that story
365
00:12:25,613 --> 00:12:27,281
is how I went broke
and started working
366
00:12:27,349 --> 00:12:28,315
for somebody else
my whole life.
367
00:12:29,684 --> 00:12:30,917
Okay, what was that?
368
00:12:30,986 --> 00:12:32,052
I don't want to be a lawyer.
369
00:12:32,120 --> 00:12:33,087
I don't want to do this.
370
00:12:33,154 --> 00:12:34,654
Don't do this. Not tonight.
371
00:12:34,722 --> 00:12:36,555
- I'm leaving. I'm leaving tonight.
- Oh, Cliff.
372
00:12:36,623 --> 00:12:38,958
Look what I found
under a pile of depositions.
373
00:12:39,026 --> 00:12:39,925
I'm quitting!
374
00:12:40,494 --> 00:12:41,094
What?
375
00:12:41,161 --> 00:12:42,395
Nick convinced me
that I can't waste
376
00:12:42,463 --> 00:12:43,696
my life doing your
stapling any more.
377
00:12:43,763 --> 00:12:45,698
I never said anything
like that, Julia.
378
00:12:45,765 --> 00:12:48,001
Not doing it any more.
I'm not working
379
00:12:48,068 --> 00:12:49,068
all night on Valentine's Day.
380
00:12:49,136 --> 00:12:50,569
I'm just gonna get in my car,
381
00:12:50,637 --> 00:12:53,571
and I'm just gonna drive
until I see the sun.
382
00:12:53,639 --> 00:12:55,307
'Cause it's got to be
shining somewhere.
383
00:12:55,375 --> 00:12:57,242
And for once in my life,
384
00:12:57,310 --> 00:12:59,011
- I'm gonna spend some time with my birds.
- With you birds?
385
00:12:59,078 --> 00:13:00,479
Woo!
No, Cliff!
386
00:13:00,546 --> 00:13:02,614
We're gonna start
paying you so soon!
387
00:13:04,817 --> 00:13:06,851
Julia, I am so sorry.
388
00:13:06,919 --> 00:13:08,285
I just told him a story
389
00:13:08,353 --> 00:13:10,054
about when I
got arrested in Mexico.
390
00:13:10,122 --> 00:13:11,955
- You got arrested in Mexico?
- I wasn't gonna
391
00:13:12,024 --> 00:13:13,524
tell you until
after you got knocked up
392
00:13:13,591 --> 00:13:14,858
and were stuck with me.
393
00:13:14,926 --> 00:13:16,827
- Now I got to do all this stuff.
- I know.
394
00:13:16,895 --> 00:13:17,761
I'm sorry.
395
00:13:17,829 --> 00:13:19,363
Just go home, Nick.
396
00:13:19,431 --> 00:13:21,332
- Sorry.
- I'll call you tomorrow.
397
00:13:23,034 --> 00:13:24,300
No!
398
00:13:26,869 --> 00:13:27,737
What?
399
00:13:27,804 --> 00:13:28,905
Are you kidding me?
400
00:13:28,972 --> 00:13:30,873
Hey, baby.
401
00:13:30,941 --> 00:13:32,442
Uh, this is my ex, Amy.
402
00:13:32,510 --> 00:13:33,576
We broke up last week.
403
00:13:33,644 --> 00:13:35,011
She can't afford to move out
404
00:13:35,079 --> 00:13:36,513
- 'cause she doesn't work.
- What?
405
00:13:37,481 --> 00:13:39,314
Hey, so how was your night?
406
00:13:39,382 --> 00:13:41,783
Are you serious
right now, Oliver?
407
00:13:41,851 --> 00:13:43,352
- Yeah.
- Um, hey.
408
00:13:43,420 --> 00:13:44,586
I'm Jess.
409
00:13:46,521 --> 00:13:47,522
Hey.
410
00:13:47,790 --> 00:13:48,990
Who is she?
411
00:13:49,759 --> 00:13:51,093
What are you doing here, Cece?
412
00:13:51,161 --> 00:13:53,128
Sorry, I just came
to get Schmidt.
413
00:13:53,196 --> 00:13:54,930
Schmidt left,
like, an hour ago.
414
00:13:55,497 --> 00:13:56,664
No, no, I didn't.
415
00:13:56,731 --> 00:13:57,932
Are you kidding me?
416
00:13:57,999 --> 00:14:00,668
My tires were stolen
by street youths.
417
00:14:00,735 --> 00:14:01,569
Ugh!
418
00:14:03,472 --> 00:14:04,605
Hey, did I pee my pants?
419
00:14:04,673 --> 00:14:06,274
Friends, did I
pee in my pants?
420
00:14:06,341 --> 00:14:08,142
- Guys?
- No, Kyle, you're just on drugs.
421
00:14:08,210 --> 00:14:09,343
He definitely peed, I can see.
422
00:14:09,411 --> 00:14:11,178
See! See!
423
00:14:11,245 --> 00:14:12,745
Who's the idiot now?
424
00:14:12,813 --> 00:14:14,581
Okay, all of you,
get out of here.
425
00:14:14,648 --> 00:14:16,616
- I peed my pants.
- We got to get out of... oh.
426
00:14:16,684 --> 00:14:17,717
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
427
00:14:17,785 --> 00:14:18,618
This guy's like a magician.
428
00:14:19,386 --> 00:14:20,720
How does it feel,
429
00:14:20,788 --> 00:14:22,255
Oliver?
430
00:14:22,756 --> 00:14:24,691
Okay, uh, Kyle,
431
00:14:24,758 --> 00:14:26,826
I'm the one you're gonna
sleep with tonight,
432
00:14:26,894 --> 00:14:27,460
so we got to...
433
00:14:29,962 --> 00:14:30,896
What are you gonna do now?
434
00:14:33,933 --> 00:14:34,900
Okay, okay.
435
00:14:34,968 --> 00:14:36,102
Okay.
436
00:14:36,169 --> 00:14:37,736
- My man!
- Get out of my house!
437
00:14:40,773 --> 00:14:42,007
- I will murder you!
- Bye!
438
00:14:44,176 --> 00:14:45,510
- What?
- Hey, Kyle. Hey.
439
00:14:45,578 --> 00:14:46,711
It's a stick.
440
00:14:46,778 --> 00:14:47,878
Go get it.
441
00:14:47,946 --> 00:14:49,080
Ooh, shiny!
442
00:14:50,148 --> 00:14:51,515
Whoo.
443
00:14:52,217 --> 00:14:53,284
What does a girl got to do
444
00:14:53,352 --> 00:14:55,886
to get a one-night stand
around here?
445
00:14:55,954 --> 00:14:58,590
Sorry.
446
00:15:01,038 --> 00:15:03,338
This sangria
is amazing, Winston.
447
00:15:03,506 --> 00:15:05,440
My grandmother's recipe,
so I can't take
448
00:15:05,508 --> 00:15:06,741
credit for that.
449
00:15:07,609 --> 00:15:08,477
But seriously, Tia,
450
00:15:08,544 --> 00:15:11,412
you don't want a man who has
fancier underpants than you.
451
00:15:11,480 --> 00:15:13,114
- I keep trying to tell her that.
- It's true.
452
00:15:13,181 --> 00:15:15,215
You want to have the fanciest
drawers in the relationship.
453
00:15:15,283 --> 00:15:15,883
Boom.
454
00:15:15,950 --> 00:15:17,284
- Wow.
- Hmm.
455
00:15:33,299 --> 00:15:35,300
Hey, are you gonna
be done soon?
456
00:15:35,368 --> 00:15:36,502
Maybe.
457
00:15:40,741 --> 00:15:42,307
She can't keep
eating tacos all night.
458
00:15:42,375 --> 00:15:43,775
Yeah.
459
00:15:43,843 --> 00:15:45,610
Because I ate most
of the tacos yesterday.
460
00:15:45,678 --> 00:15:48,246
You know what?
461
00:15:48,313 --> 00:15:49,147
I can't do this.
462
00:15:49,214 --> 00:15:50,915
You're a really great guy,
463
00:15:50,983 --> 00:15:52,416
and, um, I-I
464
00:15:52,484 --> 00:15:54,619
I mean, I don't know that, um,
465
00:15:54,687 --> 00:15:58,356
but honestly, I was just gonna
use you as a giant meat puppet.
466
00:15:59,123 --> 00:16:00,691
I'm looking pretty good right now.
467
00:16:00,759 --> 00:16:02,726
It's just so hard,
you know?
468
00:16:03,294 --> 00:16:06,063
I feel so alone
sometimes.
469
00:16:07,532 --> 00:16:09,733
And I lied to you.
470
00:16:09,801 --> 00:16:12,536
I'm not a Web creator.
471
00:16:12,603 --> 00:16:14,371
I'm not a player.
472
00:16:21,145 --> 00:16:23,479
- I miss her so much.
- Oh,
473
00:16:23,547 --> 00:16:25,414
she's in... she's just
in the kitchen.
474
00:16:25,482 --> 00:16:26,749
Baby!
475
00:16:26,817 --> 00:16:28,384
Can you make me a smoothie?
476
00:16:33,756 --> 00:16:35,157
You know,
just making copies.
477
00:16:35,225 --> 00:16:36,559
Did you do all of this?
478
00:16:36,626 --> 00:16:37,759
- I did.
- No.
479
00:16:37,827 --> 00:16:39,261
- Yeah.
- Really?
480
00:16:39,329 --> 00:16:41,564
And I just want you to know
that there's a photocopy
481
00:16:41,631 --> 00:16:43,666
of my butt somewhere
in your recycling bin.
482
00:16:43,733 --> 00:16:45,033
Okay.
483
00:16:45,101 --> 00:16:47,268
I had a weird moment,
Julia, and I went for it.
484
00:16:47,336 --> 00:16:48,736
Okay, and if anyone finds it,
485
00:16:48,804 --> 00:16:51,005
I want them to know
that I moved during the copy,
486
00:16:51,073 --> 00:16:53,207
and I don't actually
have two butt cracks.
487
00:16:53,274 --> 00:16:54,308
I know.
488
00:16:55,544 --> 00:16:56,911
What?
489
00:16:56,978 --> 00:17:00,014
I've never ever cared
490
00:17:00,082 --> 00:17:01,649
about Valentine's Day before.
491
00:17:01,717 --> 00:17:03,517
Neither have I.
492
00:17:03,585 --> 00:17:04,784
But it's nice.
493
00:17:05,152 --> 00:17:06,386
- Yeah.
- Right?
494
00:17:11,992 --> 00:17:14,228
You did all the
work wrong, though.
495
00:17:14,795 --> 00:17:15,662
Yeah, I know I did.
496
00:17:15,730 --> 00:17:16,963
That's okay.
497
00:17:25,839 --> 00:17:27,440
I'm sorry.
498
00:17:27,507 --> 00:17:29,174
No, no, no,
do what you got to do.
499
00:17:30,243 --> 00:17:31,577
Hi, Ming.
500
00:17:32,145 --> 00:17:33,445
Yeah, I got your text.
501
00:17:33,512 --> 00:17:34,679
And yeah, it was wrong
502
00:17:34,747 --> 00:17:37,814
just like every single other
text you've sent me tonight.
503
00:17:37,882 --> 00:17:39,015
Call I call you tomorrow?
504
00:17:39,083 --> 00:17:40,985
- Yeah, it's fine, go.
- I'm sorry.
505
00:17:42,020 --> 00:17:42,754
Are you really...
506
00:17:42,821 --> 00:17:44,155
Are you arguing
with me about that?
507
00:17:44,923 --> 00:17:46,891
Are you actually arguing
with me about that?
508
00:17:46,959 --> 00:17:49,026
- Bye.
- Bye, girl, thank you.
509
00:17:49,995 --> 00:17:50,927
Bye.
510
00:17:50,995 --> 00:17:52,028
Bye, Shel.
511
00:17:54,298 --> 00:17:55,232
That was fun.
512
00:17:55,300 --> 00:17:57,000
Any time.
513
00:17:58,068 --> 00:17:58,769
So,
514
00:17:58,836 --> 00:18:00,103
you weren't expecting
515
00:18:00,171 --> 00:18:01,204
a girls' night, were you?
516
00:18:02,373 --> 00:18:03,373
Not really.
517
00:18:03,440 --> 00:18:04,141
You know,
518
00:18:04,208 --> 00:18:05,309
Tia needed some tough love.
519
00:18:09,713 --> 00:18:11,381
You keep doing it.
520
00:18:12,148 --> 00:18:12,982
What?
521
00:18:13,749 --> 00:18:16,051
Making up
for how you used to be.
522
00:18:18,054 --> 00:18:19,121
You don't remember?
523
00:18:19,189 --> 00:18:21,791
Valentine's Day, 2008?
524
00:18:21,858 --> 00:18:23,492
You said you'd call.
525
00:18:23,559 --> 00:18:24,726
You didn't.
526
00:18:28,864 --> 00:18:30,064
Um...
527
00:18:30,832 --> 00:18:32,834
I waited all night.
528
00:18:35,571 --> 00:18:38,972
Okay, I don't deserve
a second chance with you, do I?
529
00:18:40,040 --> 00:18:41,342
But here you are.
530
00:18:42,410 --> 00:18:43,678
Getting one.
531
00:18:53,688 --> 00:18:54,554
- Oh.
- Hey.
532
00:18:54,622 --> 00:18:56,823
- Hey, what are you doing
home so soon? - Well,
533
00:18:56,890 --> 00:18:59,192
I helped him get back together
with his ex-girlfriend.
534
00:18:59,259 --> 00:19:00,727
He made me video-chat
535
00:19:00,795 --> 00:19:02,629
with his mom in Hawaii
for a couple minutes,
536
00:19:02,697 --> 00:19:05,031
and then, um,
I came home, so...
537
00:19:05,098 --> 00:19:06,633
Jess, you don't
your first one-night stand
538
00:19:06,701 --> 00:19:08,201
to be with
some total stranger.
539
00:19:08,268 --> 00:19:09,836
You got to pick someone
who you know,
540
00:19:09,903 --> 00:19:11,804
who's not gonna make a big deal
out of the whole thing.
541
00:19:11,871 --> 00:19:14,272
- Hmm. - You have an
urge, you act on it.
542
00:19:15,341 --> 00:19:15,808
And...
543
00:19:15,875 --> 00:19:17,275
whatever you do,
544
00:19:17,344 --> 00:19:20,145
leave immediately afterwards.
545
00:19:20,213 --> 00:19:22,648
God help you if you
get sucked into a brunch.
546
00:19:22,716 --> 00:19:25,517
- Thanks, Schmidt.
- Come here.
547
00:19:27,085 --> 00:19:27,985
You smell good.
548
00:19:28,053 --> 00:19:30,321
It's probably the oil
of the ylang-ylang tree.
549
00:19:35,259 --> 00:19:36,193
Don't over think it.
550
00:19:36,261 --> 00:19:37,395
Okay.
551
00:19:47,304 --> 00:19:48,505
Don't over think it.
552
00:19:48,573 --> 00:19:50,907
Don't over...
553
00:19:50,975 --> 00:19:53,209
Don't over think it.
554
00:20:06,590 --> 00:20:07,823
Schmidt?
555
00:20:07,891 --> 00:20:08,924
Hey, Jess, what
are you doing?
556
00:20:13,929 --> 00:20:14,829
I was asking Schmidt a question.
557
00:20:14,897 --> 00:20:16,264
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- What?
558
00:20:17,331 --> 00:20:17,766
Were you...?
559
00:20:17,833 --> 00:20:19,534
- What? No.
- ...with Schmidt?
560
00:20:19,602 --> 00:20:21,202
No! No.
561
00:20:21,270 --> 00:20:22,270
I was holding those,
562
00:20:22,337 --> 00:20:24,372
but I...
563
00:20:24,440 --> 00:20:25,807
Oh, my God.
564
00:20:25,875 --> 00:20:27,675
- What has gotten into you?
- No. No.
565
00:20:27,743 --> 00:20:29,511
- And why do you have so many condoms?
- Shh! Don't ever...
566
00:20:29,578 --> 00:20:30,744
Shh! Don't ever speak
of this again.
567
00:20:30,812 --> 00:20:31,779
You need one.
568
00:20:31,846 --> 00:20:33,580
Tops, two. Let's go.
569
00:20:33,648 --> 00:20:35,416
- We'll get these later.
- I was feeling twirly.
570
00:20:35,483 --> 00:20:36,583
- Nick, Nick...
- No!
571
00:20:36,651 --> 00:20:38,786
You're not having sex
with Schmidt.
572
00:20:38,853 --> 00:20:40,721
NICK
This is a danger zone for you.
573
00:20:41,289 --> 00:20:42,389
What is happening
out there?
574
00:20:42,856 --> 00:20:43,791
Stop, do not move, okay?
575
00:20:43,858 --> 00:20:45,526
- What? Why...? - Because if somebody
catches us, I'm gonna say
576
00:20:45,593 --> 00:20:47,660
that you drugged me, and
it's my word against yours.
577
00:20:47,728 --> 00:20:48,728
- Okay?
- Okay, yeah.
578
00:20:48,796 --> 00:20:50,963
That-that's fine,
that makes sense.
579
00:20:51,731 --> 00:20:53,265
You smell so
good right now.
580
00:20:57,783 --> 00:20:59,616
You are not gonna believe
the stupid thing
581
00:20:59,684 --> 00:21:01,350
I almost did last night.
582
00:21:01,418 --> 00:21:02,953
Tell me.
583
00:21:03,020 --> 00:21:06,456
Okay, but have to promise
never to tell anyone, ever.
584
00:21:06,523 --> 00:21:07,790
Of course, out with it.
585
00:21:07,857 --> 00:21:09,758
Tell me.
586
00:21:09,826 --> 00:21:12,160
Okay, I almost tried
587
00:21:12,228 --> 00:21:14,830
to hook up with Schmidt
588
00:21:14,898 --> 00:21:16,364
last night.
589
00:21:22,871 --> 00:21:24,506
That would have been crazy.
590
00:21:25,074 --> 00:21:26,374
I know!
591
00:21:26,442 --> 00:21:28,443
Can you imagine? Ugh.
592
00:21:29,011 --> 00:21:30,278
I cannot.
593
00:21:31,279 --> 00:21:32,278
I got to go, okay?
594
00:21:32,979 --> 00:21:33,978
Bye.
595
00:21:35,951 --> 00:21:41,086
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com