1 00:00:01,294 --> 00:00:04,123 Here? You're dropping me off here? 2 00:00:04,263 --> 00:00:07,205 R-Right in front of this obvious pickpocket? 3 00:00:07,205 --> 00:00:08,610 Look at the size of that guy. 4 00:00:08,634 --> 00:00:10,235 He's clearly new homeless. 5 00:00:10,302 --> 00:00:12,340 We're a mile away from the loft, Cece. 6 00:00:12,340 --> 00:00:13,550 I'm not getting caught with you. 7 00:00:13,551 --> 00:00:15,166 I'm gonna have to run all the way home. 8 00:00:15,340 --> 00:00:16,986 And I have my slippiest loafers on. 9 00:00:16,987 --> 00:00:18,584 If I were you, I would get walking right now. 10 00:00:18,585 --> 00:00:20,222 You're never gonna get home before dawn. 11 00:00:20,311 --> 00:00:23,213 Okay, look, I'm fine with you not telling anybody about us, 12 00:00:23,281 --> 00:00:26,450 but you cannot just call me at anytime 13 00:00:26,451 --> 00:00:28,585 and just summon me for intercourse. 14 00:00:28,653 --> 00:00:29,886 I have no control here, 15 00:00:29,953 --> 00:00:33,122 and I'm stressed out all day long. 16 00:00:33,190 --> 00:00:35,057 It's like you're ripping the side block 17 00:00:35,125 --> 00:00:36,893 out of my mental Jenga. 18 00:00:36,960 --> 00:00:38,594 I'm totally falling apart. 19 00:00:38,662 --> 00:00:40,329 Okay, Schmidt, you... 20 00:00:40,397 --> 00:00:43,232 you really need to learn to take a breath 21 00:00:43,300 --> 00:00:45,066 and calm down, all right? 22 00:00:45,134 --> 00:00:47,535 We're just being a little spontaneous. 23 00:00:47,603 --> 00:00:50,272 Words that have never been used to describe Schmidt: 24 00:00:50,339 --> 00:00:53,141 "spontaneous, flexible, easy-going." 25 00:00:53,209 --> 00:00:55,010 - I'm like a Marine. - You're nothing like a Marine. 26 00:00:55,077 --> 00:00:57,078 I'm totally like a Marine, all right? You know what? Fine... 27 00:00:57,146 --> 00:00:58,947 I'm... I'm out of here. 28 00:00:59,715 --> 00:01:00,915 Take these, 29 00:01:00,982 --> 00:01:03,117 and take care of them... I can get a tetanus shot, 30 00:01:03,118 --> 00:01:05,552 but I can't cure damaged suede. 31 00:01:09,424 --> 00:01:10,270 Can you believe 32 00:01:10,271 --> 00:01:11,477 I found this on the street? 33 00:01:11,478 --> 00:01:12,663 Who would want to throw this away? 34 00:01:12,736 --> 00:01:14,936 A blind man who suddenly recovered his sight? 35 00:01:15,254 --> 00:01:17,438 Get rid of it, Jess... pine has no place in this loft. 36 00:01:18,006 --> 00:01:19,673 It's the wood of poor people and outhouses. 37 00:01:19,991 --> 00:01:21,675 I pay rent, so I think 38 00:01:21,843 --> 00:01:24,479 - that gives me the right to add a few things. - Jess... 39 00:01:25,846 --> 00:01:26,814 you're wrong. 40 00:01:27,181 --> 00:01:28,249 Okay? 41 00:01:28,250 --> 00:01:29,384 My answer's no. 42 00:01:33,554 --> 00:01:36,289 I'm really, I'm just asking you, please d-don't push me. 43 00:01:36,357 --> 00:01:38,825 'Cause then I'll have to reinstate my ban on high-waisted shorts. 44 00:01:38,892 --> 00:01:40,293 - You would not dare. - Try me. 45 00:01:40,361 --> 00:01:42,662 That was the worst four weeks of my life. 46 00:01:42,730 --> 00:01:45,532 ♪ Hey, girl ♪ 47 00:01:45,600 --> 00:01:48,801 ♪ What you doing? ♪ 48 00:01:48,869 --> 00:01:50,836 ♪ Hey, girl ♪ 49 00:01:50,903 --> 00:01:53,872 ♪ Where you going? ♪ 50 00:01:53,940 --> 00:01:56,275 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ 51 00:01:56,343 --> 00:01:57,976 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ 52 00:01:58,044 --> 00:02:00,380 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ ♪ It's Jess. ♪ 53 00:02:00,381 --> 00:02:04,380 Sync by Alice | www.addic7ed.com Resync for WEB-DL by Norther 54 00:02:06,099 --> 00:02:06,966 Hey, Winston, 55 00:02:07,006 --> 00:02:08,653 why are you still drinking? 56 00:02:08,654 --> 00:02:10,172 It is 10:00 in the morning, man. 57 00:02:10,172 --> 00:02:12,240 Yeah, I know what it'll feel like when I stop, 58 00:02:12,256 --> 00:02:15,525 so I'm just gonna stay a little drunk, forever. 59 00:02:15,616 --> 00:02:18,785 Well, why is there no girl version of you, my man? 60 00:02:19,863 --> 00:02:20,829 Moving on. 61 00:02:21,187 --> 00:02:22,920 So, last night's poker game. 62 00:02:23,362 --> 00:02:24,284 Got pretty intense. 63 00:02:24,323 --> 00:02:25,757 I don't even know what you're talking about... 64 00:02:25,824 --> 00:02:26,924 I was so hammered last night. 65 00:02:26,992 --> 00:02:28,894 I've never been more sober in my whole life. 66 00:02:28,961 --> 00:02:30,961 I'll remember this as long as I live. 67 00:02:31,029 --> 00:02:33,097 I'm all in. Uno, bitches. 68 00:02:34,165 --> 00:02:35,633 Read 'em and weep. 69 00:02:36,451 --> 00:02:37,501 - Straight flush. - Aw! 70 00:02:38,068 --> 00:02:38,968 So, what do I owe you, 20 bucks? 71 00:02:39,036 --> 00:02:40,103 - 20 bucks? - Yeah. 72 00:02:40,671 --> 00:02:42,839 You owe me $487. 73 00:02:43,407 --> 00:02:45,074 Come on, Winston! 74 00:02:45,142 --> 00:02:47,610 Aah! Schmidt makes me so mad! 75 00:02:47,678 --> 00:02:49,145 I want to put one thing, 76 00:02:49,213 --> 00:02:50,713 one thing in the living room, 77 00:02:50,781 --> 00:02:51,948 and he won't let me. 78 00:02:52,016 --> 00:02:53,172 I'm not putting up with this. 79 00:02:53,200 --> 00:02:54,166 Oh, yes, you are. 80 00:02:54,233 --> 00:02:55,801 We live in a fragile ecosystem. 81 00:02:55,869 --> 00:02:57,269 It's a delicate balance. 82 00:02:57,337 --> 00:02:58,771 It's a broken ecosystem, 83 00:02:58,839 --> 00:03:01,206 - dominated by an apex predator. - Chill out, Jess. 84 00:03:01,274 --> 00:03:03,141 We let him run the house, no big deal. 85 00:03:03,209 --> 00:03:05,711 The boy cooks and cleans... and happily, I might add. 86 00:03:05,779 --> 00:03:07,212 Yeah, he probably couldn't sleep last night 87 00:03:07,280 --> 00:03:09,314 'cause he was so excited to clean up after us. 88 00:03:09,382 --> 00:03:11,115 I know he's been bad lately, but... 89 00:03:11,183 --> 00:03:12,684 Schmidt's an odd bird. 90 00:03:12,751 --> 00:03:14,051 He can't handle it when things 91 00:03:14,119 --> 00:03:15,720 aren't clean and orderly. 92 00:03:15,788 --> 00:03:17,789 It's been that way since the day he moved in. 93 00:03:18,357 --> 00:03:20,792 Welcome to your new home, Schmidt. 94 00:03:20,860 --> 00:03:22,527 Come on, play ball. 95 00:03:26,948 --> 00:03:27,931 Coming home! 96 00:03:33,771 --> 00:03:36,106 Well, I'm fed up with it. 97 00:03:36,173 --> 00:03:38,475 And he's got to learn how to relax. 98 00:03:38,543 --> 00:03:40,110 And, Nick, why do you have... 99 00:03:40,177 --> 00:03:41,677 cannons drawn all over your back? 100 00:03:41,745 --> 00:03:42,712 Those aren't cannons, Jess. 101 00:03:42,779 --> 00:03:43,880 Long-stem mushrooms? 102 00:03:43,947 --> 00:03:45,414 - Nope. - Oh, so that's... 103 00:03:45,982 --> 00:03:47,082 not a mossy cave. 104 00:03:47,150 --> 00:03:47,984 Mm-mm. 105 00:03:48,051 --> 00:03:49,451 - Mmm, no. - Probably not. 106 00:03:58,427 --> 00:03:59,528 What the...? 107 00:03:59,595 --> 00:04:01,630 What is happening...? 108 00:04:02,197 --> 00:04:03,164 I can't take this right now. 109 00:04:03,732 --> 00:04:05,433 What, do we live in a pawnshop? 110 00:04:06,635 --> 00:04:07,368 Hey, Schmidt. 111 00:04:07,436 --> 00:04:08,970 Hey, Jess. What, uh... 112 00:04:09,738 --> 00:04:10,938 Where did all this come from? 113 00:04:11,106 --> 00:04:12,673 I found the afghan underneath a Dumpster 114 00:04:12,674 --> 00:04:14,207 outside an animal shelter. 115 00:04:14,275 --> 00:04:16,710 And I found the lamp underneath the afghan. 116 00:04:17,078 --> 00:04:18,612 I'm gonna assume that these are your spices 117 00:04:18,680 --> 00:04:20,380 - jammed in here with my spices. - Yep. 118 00:04:20,448 --> 00:04:22,583 I would really appreciate it if your non-Tahitian vanilla 119 00:04:22,651 --> 00:04:24,317 was not touching my Tahitian vanilla. 120 00:04:24,385 --> 00:04:26,486 Oh, Schmidt, they're more than touching. 121 00:04:26,555 --> 00:04:28,622 What's it like living in the most populous isle 122 00:04:28,690 --> 00:04:30,322 in French Polynesia? 123 00:04:30,390 --> 00:04:33,026 I could tell you, or... I could show you. 124 00:04:33,093 --> 00:04:34,861 Not in front of the cloves. 125 00:04:34,929 --> 00:04:36,195 Where's my burr coffee grinder? 126 00:04:36,263 --> 00:04:38,031 Oh, you know, I think it's in the hutch. 127 00:04:38,098 --> 00:04:39,799 You put it in the hutch? 128 00:04:39,867 --> 00:04:42,334 The... aah, this thing was on the street. 129 00:04:42,402 --> 00:04:44,136 It's a coffee grinder, Schmidt. 130 00:04:44,204 --> 00:04:45,837 I think it'll be okay. 131 00:04:45,905 --> 00:04:48,606 A top-of-the-line conical burr coffee grinder. 132 00:04:48,674 --> 00:04:50,175 You know what that means? It means it doesn't 133 00:04:50,242 --> 00:04:52,811 smash up the beans like some pedestrian blade grinder. 134 00:04:52,879 --> 00:04:54,980 It actually grinds them, 135 00:04:55,048 --> 00:04:57,816 for a deeper, richer, more satisfying flavor profile! 136 00:04:57,884 --> 00:05:00,618 Oh. Well, I've used it repeatedly 137 00:05:00,619 --> 00:05:02,053 to make homemade crayons. 138 00:05:02,420 --> 00:05:04,888 Does that show up in your flavor profile, Schmidt? 139 00:05:05,056 --> 00:05:06,924 Uh, yeah, that's fine. 140 00:05:08,192 --> 00:05:09,559 If you're looking for your oven mitts, 141 00:05:09,627 --> 00:05:10,661 they're in the top drawer of the hutch. 142 00:05:10,729 --> 00:05:12,563 Oh. Okay, fair enough. 143 00:05:13,631 --> 00:05:14,331 Hutch is gone. 144 00:05:14,399 --> 00:05:15,299 - No. - No, no, no. 145 00:05:15,366 --> 00:05:16,901 - No. - No hutch. - No, no! 146 00:05:17,469 --> 00:05:19,035 - Stop! Don't move the hutch. - Bye-bye, hutch! 147 00:05:19,103 --> 00:05:20,303 This thing makes me emotionally nauseous! 148 00:05:20,370 --> 00:05:22,205 This is my hutch. Don't move it! 149 00:05:22,272 --> 00:05:23,206 All right, you're right, you're right... 150 00:05:23,273 --> 00:05:24,741 I'm so sorry. You're right. 151 00:05:24,809 --> 00:05:26,042 It's a beautiful piece. 152 00:05:26,410 --> 00:05:28,612 It looks great there. 153 00:05:29,379 --> 00:05:30,379 My apologies. 154 00:05:30,947 --> 00:05:31,915 Thank you. 155 00:05:39,655 --> 00:05:40,656 Oops. 156 00:05:49,502 --> 00:05:51,265 Schmidt, you have a real problem. 157 00:05:52,483 --> 00:05:54,602 You've got to learn to calm down. 158 00:05:55,320 --> 00:05:56,504 Yeah, yeah. 159 00:06:02,001 --> 00:06:03,534 I love the beach. 160 00:06:03,603 --> 00:06:05,870 Now, isn't this better than arguing about a hutch? 161 00:06:05,938 --> 00:06:09,273 Yeah, if you like hanging out on the rim of a giant fish toilet. 162 00:06:09,341 --> 00:06:11,542 Jess, I can't believe you brought me down here. 163 00:06:11,611 --> 00:06:14,445 This is a great place to talk about your problems. 164 00:06:14,513 --> 00:06:16,504 Jess, this sucks... I just want to go home. 165 00:06:16,511 --> 00:06:18,082 Schmidt, come here. 166 00:06:18,650 --> 00:06:21,552 Look. You got the birds in the sky. 167 00:06:24,088 --> 00:06:25,256 Sea and sand. 168 00:06:26,024 --> 00:06:27,758 The wind in our hair. 169 00:06:29,860 --> 00:06:31,294 You've lost your kite! 170 00:06:31,362 --> 00:06:33,696 Have fun flying your string all day! 171 00:06:33,764 --> 00:06:35,431 Sorry I forgot my wallet. 172 00:06:35,499 --> 00:06:37,500 Thank you for paying; It's delicious. 173 00:06:37,567 --> 00:06:39,136 Yeah, which is weird, because I clearly remember saying, 174 00:06:39,137 --> 00:06:40,937 "Hey, man, don't forget your wallet." 175 00:06:41,005 --> 00:06:42,872 - And then I still forgot it. - You still forget it. Wow, it's weird. 176 00:06:42,873 --> 00:06:44,741 - Yeah, you said that. We're getting older. - Yeah, I said that. 177 00:06:44,808 --> 00:06:46,442 Okay, this is a good segue. 178 00:06:46,510 --> 00:06:47,509 Um... 179 00:06:48,260 --> 00:06:49,477 can I talk to you 180 00:06:49,478 --> 00:06:50,812 about something that's kind of tough? 181 00:06:52,510 --> 00:06:53,616 Yeah, man, shoot. 182 00:06:53,617 --> 00:06:57,285 "The subject of this talk is the debt of money between us. 183 00:06:57,353 --> 00:06:58,887 - I feel that..." - Oh, man! 184 00:06:58,955 --> 00:07:00,989 I thought this was about something serious. 185 00:07:01,057 --> 00:07:02,590 You set that up like it was about something different. 186 00:07:02,659 --> 00:07:04,259 This is about the poker? 187 00:07:04,326 --> 00:07:06,761 Oh, I'll pay you your money. Relax. 188 00:07:10,548 --> 00:07:12,499 "If I am reading this section, then I can only assume 189 00:07:12,567 --> 00:07:13,768 "you have told me to relax. 190 00:07:13,835 --> 00:07:16,203 - You wrote that? - "Let me assure you I am very relaxed, 191 00:07:16,271 --> 00:07:18,806 "although I have good reason not to be, 192 00:07:18,874 --> 00:07:20,174 "as you owe me a very large sum." 193 00:07:20,241 --> 00:07:22,506 I will pay you the money, you clown. 194 00:07:22,507 --> 00:07:24,244 "I am aware that we're both broke, 195 00:07:24,245 --> 00:07:27,281 "one of us embarrassingly so. Points to Nick. 196 00:07:27,282 --> 00:07:29,716 "I have recently tumbled down the socioeconomic ladder 197 00:07:29,784 --> 00:07:30,651 "and have hit rock bottom, 198 00:07:30,718 --> 00:07:32,819 - "where you, Nick Miller, - Thank you. 199 00:07:32,820 --> 00:07:35,188 "Have been waiting patiently for the past 15 years. 200 00:07:35,255 --> 00:07:36,505 "But I want that money. 201 00:07:36,506 --> 00:07:38,824 "Give me my money. I really mean it. 202 00:07:38,892 --> 00:07:41,393 "It's my money. You owe me that money, 203 00:07:41,460 --> 00:07:43,562 "so give me my money. Seriously. 204 00:07:43,629 --> 00:07:44,863 - Are you finished? - "Where is the money, dude? 205 00:07:44,931 --> 00:07:47,599 - You wrote "dude"? - "But I am not without pity. 206 00:07:47,667 --> 00:07:50,169 I am willing to just call it an even $200." 207 00:07:51,705 --> 00:07:53,838 Everything let go with just $200? 208 00:07:53,906 --> 00:07:56,808 - Right. - All right, I can do $200. 209 00:07:57,375 --> 00:07:59,443 - $200? Two hundo clean? - Yep. 210 00:08:00,011 --> 00:08:01,011 All right. 211 00:08:06,651 --> 00:08:08,785 I did pay for gas here, though. 212 00:08:08,853 --> 00:08:10,486 So that's, let's say, ten bucks. 213 00:08:11,054 --> 00:08:11,955 So we're at $190. 214 00:08:12,023 --> 00:08:14,290 We'll say clean $190. 215 00:08:14,758 --> 00:08:16,492 I hate to be this guy... 216 00:08:16,860 --> 00:08:18,561 but I got the fights on Friday, 217 00:08:18,629 --> 00:08:20,597 so that's $30. So let's call it $160 218 00:08:20,664 --> 00:08:22,665 and be done with it. 219 00:08:24,435 --> 00:08:27,270 $20 for beer that night, so $160 takes us to $140. 220 00:08:27,338 --> 00:08:28,838 Just to be fair. 221 00:08:28,906 --> 00:08:30,940 And I didn't write a stupid letter about it. 222 00:08:31,007 --> 00:08:32,474 But let's say right now $140. 223 00:08:32,542 --> 00:08:34,509 You ate a lot of the nachos! 224 00:08:35,779 --> 00:08:38,548 Littering! $15 for littering! 225 00:08:39,416 --> 00:08:41,583 ♪ What a way to live... ♪ 226 00:08:41,651 --> 00:08:43,285 How fun is this! 227 00:08:44,753 --> 00:08:46,255 It's not my cup of tea. 228 00:08:46,523 --> 00:08:49,057 ♪ Don't you know that life ♪ 229 00:08:49,125 --> 00:08:52,193 ♪ Don't wait for death? ♪ 230 00:08:54,029 --> 00:08:56,397 ♪ Choo-choo ♪ 231 00:08:57,899 --> 00:08:58,666 No! 232 00:08:58,733 --> 00:09:00,200 No! No, Jess, no! 233 00:09:00,269 --> 00:09:03,303 I can't believe I never noticed this before, but, Schmidt, 234 00:09:03,371 --> 00:09:05,438 you are legitimately crazy. 235 00:09:05,506 --> 00:09:07,207 I think we're all a little bit crazy, don't you think, Jess? 236 00:09:07,276 --> 00:09:11,011 No, I mean, you're like aging- ballerina, child-chess-prodigy, 237 00:09:11,079 --> 00:09:12,779 professional-magician crazy. 238 00:09:12,846 --> 00:09:15,982 It's my mom's fault... you know, I come from a Jewish family, 239 00:09:16,049 --> 00:09:18,985 but she used to tell me the reason Santa didn't come to our house 240 00:09:19,052 --> 00:09:20,519 was because my room was dirty. 241 00:09:20,587 --> 00:09:22,521 The only thing I ever controlled was what I ate. 242 00:09:22,589 --> 00:09:25,057 - That's why I got fat. - Yeah, I got fat 'cause I used to eat 243 00:09:25,125 --> 00:09:27,927 Concord grape jelly from the jar using a candy bar as a fork. 244 00:09:27,995 --> 00:09:30,095 It's because you didn't have any structure. 245 00:09:30,163 --> 00:09:32,130 You know what I mean? That's what happens 246 00:09:32,198 --> 00:09:33,165 when you don't have any rules. 247 00:09:33,232 --> 00:09:36,401 None of these people have rules. Especially that guy. 248 00:09:36,468 --> 00:09:38,203 He's wearing ladies' bikini bottoms. 249 00:09:38,271 --> 00:09:40,538 Jess, I'm not like these people, okay? 250 00:09:40,606 --> 00:09:44,042 I don't have dreadlocks. I don't own a snake. 251 00:09:44,110 --> 00:09:45,943 And I don't understand how these people think that they're relaxed, 252 00:09:46,011 --> 00:09:48,278 because they're not... they just have nothing to do. 253 00:09:48,296 --> 00:09:50,682 That's not me. It's not that easy for me. 254 00:09:50,749 --> 00:09:53,317 Sounds to me like a lot of excuses, Schmidt. 255 00:09:53,384 --> 00:09:55,286 Just be spontaneous. 256 00:10:28,183 --> 00:10:29,351 Hey, Nick. 257 00:10:29,719 --> 00:10:31,486 Look, man, I'm sorry to bother you while you're clearly 258 00:10:31,487 --> 00:10:33,321 sitting here working hard making lots of money. 259 00:10:33,389 --> 00:10:35,890 - All right. - But if you'd kindly just pause that for one second, 260 00:10:35,958 --> 00:10:38,125 I have a few accounts that I'd like to settle. 261 00:10:38,693 --> 00:10:39,961 Account number one: 262 00:10:40,028 --> 00:10:42,930 A $15 receipt for a Chinatown box turtle. 263 00:10:42,998 --> 00:10:45,266 - Bam. Here we go. - We're doing this, huh? 264 00:10:45,334 --> 00:10:47,668 - Yeah, we are doing this. - Great - Item number two: 265 00:10:47,736 --> 00:10:51,571 Cancelled $35 check for registration of a domain name... 266 00:10:51,638 --> 00:10:53,173 "It's Nick Miller Time.com." 267 00:10:53,241 --> 00:10:55,502 "Hey, guys, Winston, I got a good idea, man. 268 00:10:55,503 --> 00:10:56,543 I'm gonna be a big-time blogger." 269 00:10:56,611 --> 00:10:58,211 - I have to go to work... - Uh-huh. 270 00:10:58,279 --> 00:11:01,081 At a bar, where you drink for free. 271 00:11:01,148 --> 00:11:02,385 - Wow. - How much does four 272 00:11:02,386 --> 00:11:04,717 hundred cognac and colas add up to, Winston? 273 00:11:04,885 --> 00:11:05,618 - You want to go there? - Yeah. 274 00:11:05,619 --> 00:11:07,020 Okay. How about all the times I sat around 275 00:11:07,021 --> 00:11:08,554 listening to you bitch and moan 276 00:11:08,622 --> 00:11:11,023 about how Caroline broke your precious little heart? 277 00:11:11,091 --> 00:11:13,625 - Okay, in eighth grade... - Eighth grade. 278 00:11:13,693 --> 00:11:16,228 - ...You "accidentally" saw my mom naked. - Mm-hmm. 279 00:11:16,296 --> 00:11:19,364 Before she stopped exercising and let herself get chubby. 280 00:11:19,732 --> 00:11:20,632 Okay? 281 00:11:20,633 --> 00:11:22,000 So how much is that, in terms of money? 282 00:11:22,067 --> 00:11:23,535 'Cause I haven't gotten over that. 283 00:11:23,603 --> 00:11:26,404 - And I would say four to $5,000. - Hey, guys. Hey, guys. 284 00:11:26,471 --> 00:11:28,807 Schmidt, Winston saw my mother naked in eighth grade; in terms of mon... 285 00:11:28,808 --> 00:11:31,709 I waded into the ocean without my aqua socks. 286 00:11:31,777 --> 00:11:32,843 Mm, he did. 287 00:11:32,912 --> 00:11:33,978 He let go. 288 00:11:38,583 --> 00:11:40,817 He washed his hands in a public restroom. 289 00:11:40,885 --> 00:11:42,385 And there was a man in there. 290 00:11:42,453 --> 00:11:45,022 And he was using the toilet, full sit, no door. 291 00:11:45,090 --> 00:11:46,389 And I didn't break eye contact. 292 00:11:46,557 --> 00:11:47,190 Not once. 293 00:11:47,258 --> 00:11:49,726 That's not letting go, that's cruising. 294 00:11:51,029 --> 00:11:52,230 Hey, Schmidt. 295 00:11:53,298 --> 00:11:54,997 - There's a spill. - I know. 296 00:11:55,065 --> 00:11:56,699 Do your exercise. You know. 297 00:11:56,767 --> 00:11:59,101 Yeah, okay, the exercise. 298 00:12:01,004 --> 00:12:05,708 One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. 299 00:12:07,411 --> 00:12:08,711 I feel great. 300 00:12:08,779 --> 00:12:10,506 I'm gonna go take a shower with Nick's bar soap, 301 00:12:10,507 --> 00:12:11,981 like a common ranch hand. 302 00:12:13,049 --> 00:12:16,284 - No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! - What is going on? 303 00:12:16,552 --> 00:12:17,853 You messed with the ecosystem. 304 00:12:18,021 --> 00:12:19,588 And you guys said it couldn't be done. 305 00:12:19,656 --> 00:12:21,557 You have no idea what you're getting into. 306 00:12:21,625 --> 00:12:23,125 You're welcome. 307 00:12:28,423 --> 00:12:30,384 Schmidt, you're killing with me with that drumming! 308 00:12:30,385 --> 00:12:32,070 You're killing me! 309 00:12:32,071 --> 00:12:34,441 Look at this mess. How did this happen? 310 00:12:34,441 --> 00:12:35,841 So, this is your fault. 311 00:12:36,165 --> 00:12:37,932 No. No. 312 00:12:38,000 --> 00:12:39,366 This is good for Schmidt. 313 00:12:39,434 --> 00:12:41,135 'Cause you guys have been taking advantage of him 314 00:12:41,203 --> 00:12:42,603 for years. 315 00:12:42,671 --> 00:12:44,337 You make him cook, you make him clean... 316 00:12:44,405 --> 00:12:45,972 Where's my money, dude? 317 00:12:46,040 --> 00:12:48,541 Frankly, it's... sexist. 318 00:12:48,609 --> 00:12:50,310 Oh, my God. Ew! 319 00:12:50,377 --> 00:12:51,578 How's it sexist? 320 00:12:52,395 --> 00:12:53,346 Who's cleaning up? 321 00:12:53,414 --> 00:12:55,582 - I cleaned this morning. - All right, fine. 322 00:12:55,649 --> 00:12:57,650 - I'll clean, you guys go to the store. - Act like an adult. 323 00:12:57,719 --> 00:12:58,984 I'm not going to the store with him. 324 00:12:59,052 --> 00:13:01,887 - Where's my money, dude...? - Stop throwing things at each other. 325 00:13:01,955 --> 00:13:04,289 - Oh, come on. - Where is the money? 326 00:13:04,657 --> 00:13:05,490 You're a child. 327 00:13:05,558 --> 00:13:06,959 My car, too, while you... 328 00:13:07,027 --> 00:13:08,094 Silence, friends! 329 00:13:08,161 --> 00:13:09,695 I made you necklaces. 330 00:13:10,163 --> 00:13:11,697 Hey, do you want to go to the store? 331 00:13:11,765 --> 00:13:13,799 Please, God, yes. 332 00:13:13,867 --> 00:13:16,868 $100? How did Schmidt buy all these groceries with 100 bucks? 333 00:13:16,936 --> 00:13:18,636 - It's only $100? - $100. 334 00:13:18,704 --> 00:13:20,311 You should've told... we have way too much stuff, man. 335 00:13:20,312 --> 00:13:22,473 - Yeah, like shrimp cocktail. - We don't need a baked ham. 336 00:13:22,541 --> 00:13:23,875 - All right. - Winston? 337 00:13:24,693 --> 00:13:25,676 - Sorry about that. - Really? Really? 338 00:13:26,445 --> 00:13:27,478 Two cake mixes? 339 00:13:27,546 --> 00:13:29,614 - Really? All these soups? - Pizza? Frozen pizza? 340 00:13:29,681 --> 00:13:31,181 You fat ass. What are you trying to do, die? Shut up, dude. 341 00:13:31,249 --> 00:13:33,150 We have enough ketchup. We have enough ketchup! Come on, really? 342 00:13:33,218 --> 00:13:34,618 Next, please. 343 00:13:34,685 --> 00:13:35,819 Oh, hey, how you doing, sir? 344 00:13:35,887 --> 00:13:37,554 We only have $100, Gary, 345 00:13:37,622 --> 00:13:39,656 so could you stop checking us out when we hit $100? 346 00:13:39,724 --> 00:13:41,191 Yeah, you got to include tax, too, 347 00:13:41,259 --> 00:13:43,293 - so, like, $93, just... Cool? - Yeah, just that'll do. 348 00:13:43,361 --> 00:13:44,394 Okay, guys. 349 00:13:44,462 --> 00:13:46,329 - Thanks. - I'm gonna put my stuff at the front, 350 00:13:46,397 --> 00:13:48,831 - 'cause you obviously don't know how to shop. - You're being ridiculous. 351 00:13:48,899 --> 00:13:50,733 - Are you getting me? - We have enough ketchup. 352 00:13:51,801 --> 00:13:52,701 Epsom salt? 353 00:13:52,770 --> 00:13:54,436 - Yeah, okay. - What, are you too good for regular salt? 354 00:13:54,504 --> 00:13:56,272 You know damn well I got to soak my trick foot. 355 00:13:56,339 --> 00:13:58,241 Oh, Winnie, your little trick foot. 356 00:13:58,308 --> 00:14:00,276 Yeah, my trick foot, and don't ever call me Winnie. 357 00:14:00,343 --> 00:14:01,710 - Aw, Winnie... - Fine. 358 00:14:02,279 --> 00:14:03,245 You don't owe me anything. 359 00:14:03,312 --> 00:14:04,846 The slate is clean. We're good, we're even. 360 00:14:04,914 --> 00:14:06,214 Oh, good, that's how I feel, too. 361 00:14:06,282 --> 00:14:08,950 Because in my mind, your mom will always be the winner 362 00:14:09,018 --> 00:14:11,119 - of Best Boobs. - Really, Best Boobs? 363 00:14:11,187 --> 00:14:12,854 - Yeah. Master's Division. - You're gonna talk about my mother? 364 00:14:12,922 --> 00:14:14,189 You're gonna talk about my mom's boobs? 365 00:14:14,257 --> 00:14:15,356 Is that... you gonna go there? 366 00:14:15,424 --> 00:14:16,658 Don't push me in a supermarket, man. 367 00:14:17,225 --> 00:14:18,493 You started this. 368 00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:22,096 - Did you just slap me in the face? - No, I did not. 369 00:14:22,164 --> 00:14:23,898 I don't know what you're talking about. 370 00:14:28,136 --> 00:14:29,804 I'm not afraid of you, man. 371 00:14:31,439 --> 00:14:33,140 Don't act your... 372 00:14:38,378 --> 00:14:39,445 Grow up, dude! 373 00:14:41,748 --> 00:14:43,649 Hey, Schmidt. 374 00:14:43,717 --> 00:14:45,418 Oh, hello, Jess. 375 00:14:45,485 --> 00:14:46,853 - Hey. - What are you doing out here? 376 00:14:46,921 --> 00:14:50,356 Oh, just checking up on you. 377 00:14:51,174 --> 00:14:52,224 Oh, I see you're eating street meat 378 00:14:52,292 --> 00:14:53,758 wrapped in street meat. 379 00:14:53,827 --> 00:14:55,795 This is my man, Gordon. 380 00:14:55,862 --> 00:14:58,363 You've outdone yourself once again, Gordon. 381 00:14:58,431 --> 00:14:59,798 Excellent. 382 00:14:59,866 --> 00:15:01,366 - Did you go to work today? - No, no. No work. 383 00:15:01,734 --> 00:15:02,968 I haven't been there in a while. 384 00:15:03,036 --> 00:15:05,070 - How long is a while? - I don't know. Three days? 385 00:15:05,138 --> 00:15:08,873 Schmidt, I made a mistake in bringing you down here. 386 00:15:09,441 --> 00:15:11,442 I shouldn't have done that. 387 00:15:11,509 --> 00:15:12,810 Please come home. 388 00:15:13,078 --> 00:15:14,245 Why? 389 00:15:14,613 --> 00:15:16,147 So I can cook and clean? 390 00:15:16,215 --> 00:15:18,649 So I can show you where the vacuum is? 391 00:15:19,217 --> 00:15:20,918 All right. 392 00:15:20,986 --> 00:15:23,486 Okay, fine, I don't know where the vacuum is. 393 00:15:23,854 --> 00:15:25,522 That is one reason why I came here, 394 00:15:26,039 --> 00:15:27,890 but I really want you to come home. 395 00:15:27,958 --> 00:15:30,660 Everything's falling apart without you. 396 00:15:30,728 --> 00:15:33,730 Nick and Winston are fighting all the time. 397 00:15:33,797 --> 00:15:36,566 And all of us lost our keys to the mailbox. 398 00:15:36,633 --> 00:15:39,308 Schmidt, just listen to me, because you 399 00:15:39,336 --> 00:15:41,670 don't belong here, like, really. 400 00:15:41,738 --> 00:15:42,738 Do you remember when you 401 00:15:42,805 --> 00:15:45,240 got yourself off to An Inconvenient Truth? 402 00:15:45,307 --> 00:15:47,041 How about when you dress up 403 00:15:47,109 --> 00:15:50,412 like Shia Labeouf from Wall Street Two for Halloween? 404 00:15:50,780 --> 00:15:52,081 Do you remember when you said 405 00:15:52,148 --> 00:15:55,350 jazz music was America's greatest mistake? 406 00:15:55,417 --> 00:15:57,785 Say it in drums, Jessica Day. 407 00:15:57,853 --> 00:15:59,588 Me hablo drums. 408 00:16:02,857 --> 00:16:03,491 Hey, man. 409 00:16:03,492 --> 00:16:05,159 I got the last frozen thing. 410 00:16:06,227 --> 00:16:08,429 I was gonna ice my wrist, but... 411 00:16:08,997 --> 00:16:10,464 How about this? 412 00:16:10,832 --> 00:16:11,999 Take half, pal. 413 00:16:12,366 --> 00:16:13,600 So kind of you. 414 00:16:15,136 --> 00:16:17,204 That hurts, man. 415 00:16:19,006 --> 00:16:20,407 I am so hungry. 416 00:16:20,474 --> 00:16:22,042 Remember those things that Schmidt used to make us 417 00:16:22,110 --> 00:16:25,012 with the peanut butter and the raisins on the celery? 418 00:16:25,579 --> 00:16:26,513 What were those called? 419 00:16:26,580 --> 00:16:27,413 Ants on a log. 420 00:16:27,480 --> 00:16:29,081 Ants on a log. 421 00:16:29,149 --> 00:16:31,284 I just got why they're called ants on a log. 422 00:16:32,101 --> 00:16:33,452 Looks like ants on a log. 423 00:16:34,020 --> 00:16:35,254 I'm hungry, man. 424 00:16:35,322 --> 00:16:37,156 Hey, Schmidt, is that you, buddy? 425 00:16:37,524 --> 00:16:39,325 No, it's me. 426 00:16:39,393 --> 00:16:40,692 What the hell happened to you? 427 00:16:40,760 --> 00:16:41,961 I went down to the beach, 428 00:16:42,029 --> 00:16:43,929 and I tried to talk to Schmidt, 429 00:16:43,996 --> 00:16:45,797 but he just ignored me, 430 00:16:45,864 --> 00:16:48,066 and he went back to twirling his fire baton. 431 00:16:48,434 --> 00:16:50,501 He's really bad; He burned a lot of people. 432 00:16:50,569 --> 00:16:52,904 I feel like they should let you twirl it around a few times 433 00:16:52,972 --> 00:16:54,672 before they actually light it on fire. 434 00:16:54,740 --> 00:16:56,174 Well, look, Jess, being friends with Schmidt 435 00:16:56,242 --> 00:16:58,209 is really complicated. 436 00:16:58,277 --> 00:16:59,410 'Cause you want to change him 437 00:16:59,477 --> 00:17:01,178 so badly, 438 00:17:01,246 --> 00:17:04,114 but you can't 'cause he'll just get worse. 439 00:17:04,182 --> 00:17:07,784 You guys were right, I upset the ecosystem. 440 00:17:08,352 --> 00:17:10,154 This is not what I wanted. 441 00:17:10,721 --> 00:17:13,590 I just wanted to put my hutch here. 442 00:17:13,658 --> 00:17:16,159 Make the place my own, be a part of the family. 443 00:17:16,226 --> 00:17:17,660 What family? With these clowns? 444 00:17:17,727 --> 00:17:19,930 Yeah, you clowns. 445 00:17:19,997 --> 00:17:21,597 Well, look, you want in, you're in. 446 00:17:21,666 --> 00:17:24,434 Congratulations, welcome to the family, Jess. 447 00:17:24,501 --> 00:17:25,401 Aww. 448 00:17:25,470 --> 00:17:27,837 Yeah, we don't "aww" in this family. 449 00:17:36,778 --> 00:17:37,411 Hey, guys. 450 00:17:37,480 --> 00:17:38,280 Hey, Schmidt. 451 00:17:38,281 --> 00:17:40,315 Um, we need to talk. 452 00:17:42,951 --> 00:17:44,486 Something not cool? 453 00:17:48,669 --> 00:17:50,567 Schmidt, we miss you. 454 00:17:50,670 --> 00:17:51,770 You just want me to clean. 455 00:17:51,838 --> 00:17:53,339 No, that's not true. 456 00:17:53,406 --> 00:17:54,606 - Well, it's a little bit true. - There's truth to that. 457 00:17:54,673 --> 00:17:56,073 Okay, look. I want you to clean. 458 00:17:56,142 --> 00:17:58,075 Look, we're so proud of you 459 00:17:58,144 --> 00:17:59,777 for letting go, and relaxing. 460 00:18:00,345 --> 00:18:02,179 But this isn't like you. 461 00:18:02,247 --> 00:18:04,748 You can run away from your problems, but 462 00:18:04,815 --> 00:18:06,883 you're just gonna find new ones that pop up 463 00:18:06,951 --> 00:18:08,285 like hepatitis. 464 00:18:08,353 --> 00:18:10,086 And Nick and Winston 465 00:18:10,155 --> 00:18:13,023 want to say to you that they really miss you. 466 00:18:13,090 --> 00:18:14,158 You're freaking me out, man. 467 00:18:14,225 --> 00:18:15,959 Why are you wearing that crystal around your neck? 468 00:18:16,027 --> 00:18:17,993 Nick, the crystal symbolizes energy. 469 00:18:18,061 --> 00:18:20,196 All a crystal is is rock poo, Schmidt. 470 00:18:20,264 --> 00:18:21,964 Look, I need you, Schmidt. 471 00:18:22,532 --> 00:18:25,868 Okay, I need you to tell me what pants not to wear 472 00:18:25,935 --> 00:18:28,003 and to exercise more often. 473 00:18:28,071 --> 00:18:29,505 I need you to make fun of me when I call 474 00:18:29,573 --> 00:18:31,874 a panini a hot sandwich; How am I ever gonna learn? 475 00:18:31,941 --> 00:18:32,908 I even miss 476 00:18:32,976 --> 00:18:34,075 your hair chutney. 477 00:18:34,143 --> 00:18:36,311 Without you, man, we're just 478 00:18:36,379 --> 00:18:38,146 three idiots who live together. 479 00:18:40,348 --> 00:18:41,716 You make us a family. 480 00:18:44,987 --> 00:18:47,121 Well, I'm the cool rebel brother. 481 00:18:47,190 --> 00:18:48,590 - You're the mom. - The mother. - Mom. 482 00:18:48,658 --> 00:18:50,057 Look, Schmidt, if you come back 483 00:18:50,124 --> 00:18:53,594 to us, I'll let you clean my room. 484 00:18:54,962 --> 00:18:56,597 The white whale? 485 00:18:56,665 --> 00:18:59,533 Think about how many dust bunnies are under my bed. 486 00:18:59,901 --> 00:19:00,967 How many stray socks. 487 00:19:01,235 --> 00:19:02,203 Hey, Schmidt, 488 00:19:02,770 --> 00:19:03,970 I got you something. 489 00:19:04,038 --> 00:19:05,771 Is that a boutique box? 490 00:19:05,839 --> 00:19:10,577 A pair of gray, shiny, twill, flat-front trousers 491 00:19:11,344 --> 00:19:13,680 designed by a man named Calvin. 492 00:19:14,247 --> 00:19:15,749 Never been tried on. 493 00:19:15,817 --> 00:19:17,950 Pockets are sewn shut. 494 00:19:18,018 --> 00:19:20,119 Don't you just want to get your thumbs in there 495 00:19:20,187 --> 00:19:22,153 and rip? 496 00:19:23,022 --> 00:19:24,523 Okay, so, I'm just gonna leave this 497 00:19:24,591 --> 00:19:25,857 on your bongo drum, 498 00:19:26,675 --> 00:19:28,793 and you can, you know, 499 00:19:28,861 --> 00:19:31,129 give them a whirl if you feel like it. 500 00:19:35,702 --> 00:19:37,569 Just make the right decision. 501 00:19:38,637 --> 00:19:39,970 Come home. 502 00:19:40,788 --> 00:19:43,107 Take the pants. 503 00:19:51,915 --> 00:19:53,283 Oh, come here. 504 00:20:00,290 --> 00:20:01,958 Calvin. 505 00:20:02,025 --> 00:20:04,628 You magnificent wizard. 506 00:20:13,770 --> 00:20:15,103 Scmidtty. 507 00:20:16,571 --> 00:20:18,194 Nick, your hair is doing that thing 508 00:20:18,207 --> 00:20:19,408 that I just... I just hate. 509 00:20:19,976 --> 00:20:21,577 And Jess, can you please ask Winston to help you 510 00:20:21,645 --> 00:20:23,412 move the furniture out? He could use the exercise. 511 00:20:23,480 --> 00:20:25,647 You're looking a little, you know... 512 00:20:25,714 --> 00:20:27,614 - He's back. - And Nick, Winston, 513 00:20:27,883 --> 00:20:28,716 we have a urinal. 514 00:20:28,784 --> 00:20:30,451 How are you still missing? 515 00:20:31,019 --> 00:20:32,086 Schmidt? 516 00:20:32,654 --> 00:20:33,888 Schmidt, wake up. 517 00:20:33,955 --> 00:20:35,890 Hey, hey. 518 00:20:35,957 --> 00:20:37,292 Hey. 519 00:20:37,359 --> 00:20:38,293 Hey! 520 00:20:40,928 --> 00:20:42,095 What... 521 00:20:42,163 --> 00:20:43,563 are you doing here? 522 00:20:43,631 --> 00:20:45,065 What do you think I'm doing here? Come on! 523 00:20:48,369 --> 00:20:50,271 - Okay, wait, wait, wait. - What? 524 00:20:50,838 --> 00:20:51,505 Cece, 525 00:20:51,572 --> 00:20:53,073 before we continue, 526 00:20:53,141 --> 00:20:55,609 I clearly have no control in this relationship, 527 00:20:55,677 --> 00:20:58,878 and... I'm fine with it. 528 00:20:58,946 --> 00:21:00,814 - Good. - But know this, 529 00:21:00,881 --> 00:21:02,716 you're the one who broke into this apartment at 3:00 a.m. 530 00:21:02,717 --> 00:21:03,883 for a little bit of this Schmidt, so 531 00:21:03,951 --> 00:21:06,085 who's really in control? 532 00:21:06,153 --> 00:21:07,287 Shut up! 533 00:21:13,960 --> 00:21:15,961 Wait, oh, are you sleeping in dress pants? 534 00:21:16,029 --> 00:21:17,562 What? They're slacks. 535 00:21:17,630 --> 00:21:19,832 - What's the big deal? Calm down. - Oh... 536 00:21:21,299 --> 00:21:23,501 Look how excited Hector J. is to see you. 537 00:21:23,569 --> 00:21:25,203 Yeah, I've already met Hector J., so... 538 00:21:25,270 --> 00:21:27,638 - Ooh, look, he's knighting you. - Oh, no, please stop knighting me. 539 00:21:27,639 --> 00:21:28,340 - Don't... - Lady Cecelia... 540 00:21:28,341 --> 00:21:29,274 No, Schmidt, I'm gonna leave. 541 00:21:29,275 --> 00:21:31,343 You have entered the order of the round table. 542 00:21:31,410 --> 00:21:33,144 I'm getting my bag, okay, I'm gonna get my... 543 00:21:33,212 --> 00:21:35,279 - Oh, I want to stay. - Dame Nasty Cece. 544 00:21:36,047 --> 00:21:41,182 Sync by Alice | www.addic7ed.com Resync for WEB-DL by Norther