1 00:00:01,499 --> 00:00:05,467 But you're using birth control, right? 2 00:00:05,535 --> 00:00:07,391 Yeah, of course. 3 00:00:07,449 --> 00:00:10,211 It's just that Schmidt gets so athletic 4 00:00:10,269 --> 00:00:11,870 that birth control becomes like one 5 00:00:11,899 --> 00:00:15,034 of those plastic barbecue covers in a hurricane. 6 00:00:16,612 --> 00:00:18,213 I didn't want to know that. 7 00:00:18,280 --> 00:00:19,380 Okay, 8 00:00:19,448 --> 00:00:20,949 the pregnancy test doesn't work 9 00:00:21,017 --> 00:00:22,918 until after six days, 10 00:00:22,985 --> 00:00:24,820 so just get through the weekend 11 00:00:24,887 --> 00:00:26,955 and don't tell Schmidt until you're sure. 12 00:00:27,023 --> 00:00:28,923 Yeah, no, of course not, of course. 13 00:00:28,990 --> 00:00:32,159 It's just... 14 00:00:32,227 --> 00:00:34,328 I can't stop thinking 15 00:00:34,395 --> 00:00:37,531 about what a Schmidt baby would be like. 16 00:00:37,599 --> 00:00:41,802 Just, I mean, I, I don't know. 17 00:00:41,870 --> 00:00:45,304 Would it just want to nurse 24 hours a day? 18 00:00:45,372 --> 00:00:47,807 Probably. 19 00:00:47,875 --> 00:00:49,909 We could make it, like, a douche baby jar. 20 00:00:53,380 --> 00:00:55,815 Oh, my God. 21 00:00:55,883 --> 00:00:57,316 Ladies, ladies, 22 00:00:57,384 --> 00:00:58,118 what is all the screaming about? 23 00:00:58,185 --> 00:00:59,619 Oh, my... Jess, 24 00:00:59,686 --> 00:01:01,419 have you finally agreed to be our third? 25 00:01:01,487 --> 00:01:02,855 Because, you know, we've discussed this. 26 00:01:02,922 --> 00:01:04,156 We have never talked about that, Schmidt. 27 00:01:04,224 --> 00:01:05,323 What? Schmidt, this is not the time. 28 00:01:05,391 --> 00:01:07,259 Schmidt, we were just thinking 29 00:01:07,326 --> 00:01:08,927 about what you might have been like as a baby. 30 00:01:08,995 --> 00:01:11,864 Oh, I was the bomb diggity as a baby. 31 00:01:11,931 --> 00:01:13,465 I mean, I was, I was, like, break-dancing 32 00:01:13,532 --> 00:01:14,532 at eight months old. 33 00:01:21,080 --> 00:01:23,148 But they say that I needed a magnum size diaper. 34 00:01:23,191 --> 00:01:25,627 - Oh, my God. - Get out. Seriously? 35 00:01:25,712 --> 00:01:28,247 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ 36 00:01:28,284 --> 00:01:29,951 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ Sync by Alice I www.addic7ed.com Resync for WEB-DL by Norther 37 00:01:29,975 --> 00:01:31,659 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ ♪ It's Jess. ♪ Sync by Alice I www.addic7ed.com Resync for WEB-DL by Norther 38 00:01:31,684 --> 00:01:33,810 Sync by Alice I www.addic7ed.com Resync for WEB-DL by Norther 39 00:01:33,924 --> 00:01:35,047 All right, what's with the suit? 40 00:01:35,086 --> 00:01:36,366 And if you say swing dancing, 41 00:01:36,372 --> 00:01:37,421 I'm gonna slap your face. 42 00:01:42,394 --> 00:01:43,760 - Great show. - He's got too many DUls 43 00:01:43,828 --> 00:01:46,196 to drive himself, so I guess I got to take him. 44 00:01:46,264 --> 00:01:47,230 Sit in my room, Schmidt. 45 00:01:47,299 --> 00:01:48,265 Cece's resting. 46 00:01:48,333 --> 00:01:51,334 Hey, guys, um, listen up. 47 00:01:51,402 --> 00:01:55,037 Uh, Sarah is going to be here in a few minutes, so best behavior. 48 00:01:55,105 --> 00:01:56,872 Who's Sarah? Russell's daughter, 49 00:01:56,940 --> 00:01:58,574 so no F-bombs, P-bombs. 50 00:01:58,642 --> 00:02:02,144 Actually, no "B" through "S" bombs, no bombs, 51 00:02:02,212 --> 00:02:04,547 and no bringing home college girls, Berlusconi. 52 00:02:04,615 --> 00:02:05,714 Hey, that's not fair. 53 00:02:05,782 --> 00:02:07,215 The girl I've been hanging out with 54 00:02:07,283 --> 00:02:09,751 is totally mature and interesting. 55 00:02:09,819 --> 00:02:10,885 Please put on some pants. 56 00:02:10,953 --> 00:02:12,597 Everything you say sounds really creepy 57 00:02:12,623 --> 00:02:14,871 - when you're not wearing pants. - Your hair looks nice. 58 00:02:14,959 --> 00:02:18,012 Ugh. - Mmm, this coffee is smoldering. 59 00:02:18,060 --> 00:02:19,169 So creepy. 60 00:02:19,223 --> 00:02:20,223 So what's with the babysitting? 61 00:02:20,277 --> 00:02:21,635 I think he's actually testing me. 62 00:02:21,709 --> 00:02:23,171 I think he's seeing if I can be a mom. 63 00:02:23,215 --> 00:02:24,949 - Are you nervous? - It's nothing I can't handle. 64 00:02:25,266 --> 00:02:26,900 I'm halfway there... I'm already her teacher, 65 00:02:26,968 --> 00:02:28,268 so... 66 00:02:28,337 --> 00:02:29,437 Oh, she's here. 67 00:02:29,504 --> 00:02:33,006 Um, Nick, uh, put on some pants 68 00:02:33,074 --> 00:02:35,075 or at least some really high socks. 69 00:02:35,143 --> 00:02:36,510 High socks it is. 70 00:02:36,578 --> 00:02:37,910 Hi, Ms. Day. 71 00:02:37,978 --> 00:02:39,111 Hi, Sarah. 72 00:02:39,179 --> 00:02:40,347 I can be here in under five minutes 73 00:02:40,414 --> 00:02:41,681 if I need to be. 74 00:02:43,317 --> 00:02:45,051 Honestly I wouldn't have agreed to this, 75 00:02:45,118 --> 00:02:46,519 except my husband is out of town, 76 00:02:46,587 --> 00:02:48,755 and you're Sarah's favorite teacher 77 00:02:48,823 --> 00:02:51,123 and my husband's favorite teacher. 78 00:02:52,793 --> 00:02:55,193 Um, hey, um, I hope this doesn't sound rude, 79 00:02:55,261 --> 00:02:58,397 but, um, you keep saying "husband" 80 00:02:58,465 --> 00:03:00,366 and I just want to make sure you and Russell... 81 00:03:00,433 --> 00:03:01,667 you're not still married? 82 00:03:01,735 --> 00:03:03,869 Oh... no, no. 83 00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:08,139 'Cause I just, like, wanted to make sure there wasn't 84 00:03:08,170 --> 00:03:09,503 some very important piece of information 85 00:03:09,608 --> 00:03:11,039 that I totally missed. 86 00:03:11,081 --> 00:03:14,117 No, I mean, but he'll always be my husband, 87 00:03:14,227 --> 00:03:15,628 if you know what I mean. 88 00:03:15,670 --> 00:03:16,701 Yeah. 89 00:03:16,741 --> 00:03:19,610 Actually, could you explain what you mean very clearly? 90 00:03:20,452 --> 00:03:22,487 Cece's acting really weird. 91 00:03:22,554 --> 00:03:24,221 Do you think she's getting tired of me? 92 00:03:24,289 --> 00:03:27,657 I mean, look, it's been, like, months of non-stop sex. 93 00:03:27,725 --> 00:03:30,293 I mean, what can I do if she doesn't let me hit the fifth chakra? 94 00:03:30,361 --> 00:03:33,062 - I'm not listening to you. - I'm just, I'm just saying, look, 95 00:03:33,130 --> 00:03:35,164 do you think she wants something more than sex? 96 00:03:35,232 --> 00:03:37,300 Do you think she's finally becoming a girl? 97 00:03:37,368 --> 00:03:38,802 'Cause I can't handle that, man. 98 00:03:38,870 --> 00:03:39,836 Hey, boss. What are you doing? 99 00:03:39,904 --> 00:03:41,070 - Hmm? - Look... 100 00:03:41,138 --> 00:03:43,238 W-W-Wait, n-n-no, yesterday you said noon, 101 00:03:43,306 --> 00:03:45,173 - but it's only 10:30. - Do you think that I've become too dependent 102 00:03:45,241 --> 00:03:46,909 - on a hot lava massage? - Hmm? 103 00:03:46,976 --> 00:03:49,244 - I'm gonna be there in just a second. - What about costumes? 104 00:03:49,312 --> 00:03:51,346 - I got to go, bye. - Do you think I made her dress up too much? 105 00:03:51,415 --> 00:03:52,615 Look, man, I'm not going to sit here 106 00:03:52,682 --> 00:03:54,082 and bond with you about this, all right? 107 00:03:54,150 --> 00:03:56,748 I got to go babysit my boss. 108 00:03:56,922 --> 00:03:58,567 Hey, Schmidt, you gonna stay for dinner? 109 00:03:58,612 --> 00:03:59,913 We're going to borrow your pasta maker. 110 00:03:59,986 --> 00:04:01,906 Oh, that's great, are you gonna teach Sarah 111 00:04:01,989 --> 00:04:03,699 your recipe for overcooked mush? 112 00:04:03,722 --> 00:04:05,797 Ha, ha, no, I'm teaching her about Italy. 113 00:04:05,828 --> 00:04:06,895 I'm coming with a date... 114 00:04:06,962 --> 00:04:08,296 Chloe. Uh, no, you're not. 115 00:04:08,363 --> 00:04:10,332 You are not bringing any of those girls around Sarah. 116 00:04:10,376 --> 00:04:11,475 Hey, you must be Sarah. 117 00:04:11,534 --> 00:04:12,701 And you guys are wrong 118 00:04:12,713 --> 00:04:16,013 about Chloe. Okay, Chloe is smart and she's mature 119 00:04:16,037 --> 00:04:19,427 and she knows about art and famous artists like Banksy 120 00:04:19,461 --> 00:04:21,034 and the guy who did the Obama poster 121 00:04:21,108 --> 00:04:23,040 and, you know, like, Chalk Outline Guy. 122 00:04:24,512 --> 00:04:26,246 That's stupid. 123 00:04:26,814 --> 00:04:28,582 Your eyes are so brown. 124 00:04:28,650 --> 00:04:30,182 They look like poop. 125 00:04:30,750 --> 00:04:32,518 Be honest with me... do my eyes look like poo? 126 00:04:32,586 --> 00:04:34,386 There's a bit of a, a poopy-ish hue. 127 00:04:34,455 --> 00:04:35,822 Old poo eyes. 128 00:04:43,063 --> 00:04:44,096 Oh, hey. 129 00:04:44,164 --> 00:04:46,364 I like your house. 130 00:04:46,432 --> 00:04:47,566 It's not my house! 131 00:04:47,633 --> 00:04:48,333 - Go, go! - What? 132 00:04:49,769 --> 00:04:51,336 Go! 133 00:04:53,873 --> 00:04:55,774 - What's going on? - What are you talking about, man? 134 00:04:55,842 --> 00:04:58,543 I'm sweating spicy ban hoaw, wearing a Cambodian woman's shoes. 135 00:04:58,611 --> 00:05:00,879 What do you think is going on? I don't know, I'm just trying to give you 136 00:05:00,947 --> 00:05:03,614 an opportunity to lie to me, Joe, just trying to be polite. 137 00:05:03,682 --> 00:05:06,550 Actually, the ancient Egyptians made pasta 138 00:05:06,618 --> 00:05:09,820 by flattening the dough with their feet. 139 00:05:09,888 --> 00:05:11,154 Cool, huh? 140 00:05:11,922 --> 00:05:13,858 Sarah? 141 00:05:18,562 --> 00:05:20,864 Hey. 142 00:05:20,931 --> 00:05:22,999 Why do you have so many bras? 143 00:05:23,066 --> 00:05:24,333 You're a teacher. 144 00:05:24,401 --> 00:05:25,869 Teachers need bras, too. 145 00:05:25,936 --> 00:05:28,972 You know, like, all that erasing and stuff. 146 00:05:29,039 --> 00:05:30,306 It's like... 147 00:05:30,374 --> 00:05:32,441 That's an after- school bra. 148 00:05:33,510 --> 00:05:35,443 Can I get out of doing homework 149 00:05:35,512 --> 00:05:36,845 because you're dating my dad? 150 00:05:36,913 --> 00:05:37,913 No. 151 00:05:37,981 --> 00:05:40,749 Um, hey, I know having your teacher 152 00:05:40,817 --> 00:05:44,419 dating your dad is weird, um, but 153 00:05:44,487 --> 00:05:48,256 I just want you to know that, um, you can ask me anything. 154 00:05:49,124 --> 00:05:49,824 Really? 155 00:05:49,892 --> 00:05:51,592 Yeah, anything. 156 00:05:51,660 --> 00:05:52,994 Are you in love with my dad? 157 00:05:53,061 --> 00:05:54,529 Hmm... oh... 158 00:05:54,596 --> 00:05:57,064 Do you and my dad ever dry-lump? 159 00:05:57,132 --> 00:05:59,400 G... uh... 160 00:05:59,467 --> 00:06:01,669 - Is sexting cool? - What? No, it's not cool. 161 00:06:01,737 --> 00:06:03,771 Have you done a 99? 162 00:06:03,839 --> 00:06:05,472 I think that's a tax form. 163 00:06:05,540 --> 00:06:08,207 Have you ever given anyone plow jobs? 164 00:06:08,275 --> 00:06:09,442 I don't know. 165 00:06:09,510 --> 00:06:11,845 How do you make love to a person animal-style? 166 00:06:12,913 --> 00:06:14,915 Do you want to learn how to play bridge? 167 00:06:17,847 --> 00:06:20,280 I've been doing some thinking, and 168 00:06:20,848 --> 00:06:22,048 I think it's time 169 00:06:22,115 --> 00:06:24,216 that I take you on a real date. 170 00:06:24,784 --> 00:06:26,518 You're asking me out on a date? 171 00:06:26,586 --> 00:06:27,653 Yeah, it'll be our first real date. 172 00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:29,588 Now, Italy on Ice is a celebration 173 00:06:29,656 --> 00:06:31,523 of all things Italian 174 00:06:31,591 --> 00:06:32,658 featuring ice dancing's 175 00:06:32,725 --> 00:06:35,394 biggest and brightest Italian stars. 176 00:06:35,462 --> 00:06:37,562 Drea de Matteo is scheduled to appear, 177 00:06:37,629 --> 00:06:39,364 but, you know, they're not liable if she doesn't. 178 00:06:39,432 --> 00:06:41,266 I can't go right now. 179 00:06:41,833 --> 00:06:43,601 It's a really bad time, okay? 180 00:06:43,669 --> 00:06:46,304 I'm sorry, just take someone else. 181 00:06:47,072 --> 00:06:48,473 You mean, like another girl? 182 00:06:48,540 --> 00:06:51,542 Yeah, Schmidt, that's what this is. 183 00:06:51,610 --> 00:06:53,043 That's the deal. 184 00:06:53,111 --> 00:06:55,079 Just take someone else, okay? 185 00:06:55,146 --> 00:06:56,546 All right, yeah, sure, yeah, I'll just... 186 00:06:56,614 --> 00:06:58,349 I'll ask somebody else, I'll just... yeah, 187 00:06:58,416 --> 00:07:00,184 totally, and with 188 00:07:00,251 --> 00:07:02,552 these VIP tickets I got... poppacorno. 189 00:07:02,620 --> 00:07:04,455 - What? - Poppacorno. 190 00:07:04,522 --> 00:07:05,856 Poppacorno. 191 00:07:05,923 --> 00:07:07,291 It's "popcorn" in Italian. 192 00:07:08,826 --> 00:07:11,494 I don't think you should be rushing into these things. 193 00:07:11,561 --> 00:07:13,463 You need to look for a partner who is... 194 00:07:13,530 --> 00:07:15,798 Ew, you said "partner." 195 00:07:15,866 --> 00:07:17,133 I know, that sucked. 196 00:07:17,201 --> 00:07:18,601 I'm sorry. 197 00:07:18,668 --> 00:07:22,671 Look, as your friend Jess, not Ms. Day, 198 00:07:22,739 --> 00:07:25,773 just choose someone who makes you laugh. 199 00:07:25,841 --> 00:07:29,244 - Like Nick? - Yeah, I mean... wait, what? 200 00:07:29,312 --> 00:07:31,679 Oh, my God, oh, my God, I love Nick so, so, so much. 201 00:07:31,747 --> 00:07:32,847 He's so hot. 202 00:07:32,915 --> 00:07:33,815 - That Nick? - I want to rub 203 00:07:33,883 --> 00:07:37,519 my face on his face. 204 00:07:40,856 --> 00:07:42,523 Just to be clear, I am dialing 205 00:07:42,590 --> 00:07:44,758 another woman to go see Italy on Ice right now. 206 00:07:44,826 --> 00:07:45,692 That's fine, do it. 207 00:07:45,760 --> 00:07:47,161 Hey, guys, not now. 208 00:07:47,229 --> 00:07:49,263 - Oh, it's ringing. - Don't care. 209 00:07:49,331 --> 00:07:51,298 This room cannot take any more hormones. 210 00:07:51,366 --> 00:07:53,400 I love the juxtaposition of high-brow literary 211 00:07:53,467 --> 00:07:55,036 with low-brow youth culture. 212 00:07:55,103 --> 00:07:57,303 It's almost too much juxtaposition for me. 213 00:07:57,371 --> 00:07:58,438 You know what I mean? 214 00:07:58,506 --> 00:08:00,673 It's, like, right up to the line of juxtaposition, 215 00:08:00,741 --> 00:08:02,542 but I think I'm gonna let it slide. 216 00:08:02,609 --> 00:08:04,777 Hey, I got to... yes. 217 00:08:04,845 --> 00:08:05,945 You've got Nick. 218 00:08:06,013 --> 00:08:08,429 Hey, Nick-ole. 219 00:08:08,526 --> 00:08:10,194 - What it be, girl? - What's going on, Schmidt? 220 00:08:10,284 --> 00:08:11,499 What you got going on, ma? 221 00:08:11,589 --> 00:08:13,170 It's the freakin' weekend. 222 00:08:13,199 --> 00:08:15,749 - Did you just call me "girl"? - Are you wearing something sexy? 223 00:08:16,022 --> 00:08:18,557 Just, you know, button-down and jeans like always. 224 00:08:18,624 --> 00:08:20,859 Oh, you got jeans on, baby, are they tight? 225 00:08:20,927 --> 00:08:22,261 Hmm, they're a little loose; I buy 'em big. 226 00:08:22,328 --> 00:08:24,629 Oh, them jeans sound sexy. 227 00:08:24,697 --> 00:08:26,672 Everything all right? You want to hang out more, Schmidt? 228 00:08:26,714 --> 00:08:28,866 You taking care of that tushy... taking care of that tushy for me? 229 00:08:28,935 --> 00:08:29,833 I'm not doing, like, 230 00:08:29,901 --> 00:08:31,302 squats or anything. 231 00:08:31,370 --> 00:08:32,503 I'm trying to eat less doughnuts. 232 00:08:32,571 --> 00:08:33,471 You still keeping it tight? 233 00:08:34,773 --> 00:08:36,140 You're an idiot. 234 00:08:36,208 --> 00:08:38,342 What? 235 00:08:38,410 --> 00:08:39,810 I thought this is what you wanted. 236 00:08:39,878 --> 00:08:41,179 This is a really good example 237 00:08:41,246 --> 00:08:43,847 of people who should not be making love. 238 00:08:43,915 --> 00:08:45,748 - Have fun. - Cece, are you okay? 239 00:08:45,816 --> 00:08:47,084 Damn it! 240 00:08:47,151 --> 00:08:48,585 You don't understand... I love Nick 241 00:08:48,652 --> 00:08:50,019 so, so, so much. 242 00:08:50,088 --> 00:08:51,688 He's so hot, I'm going to die. 243 00:08:51,755 --> 00:08:53,856 Sarah, Nick is way too old for you. 244 00:08:53,924 --> 00:08:55,292 I live with him. 245 00:08:55,359 --> 00:08:56,960 - He is dirty and weird. - No, no, no, no... 246 00:08:57,027 --> 00:08:58,428 Sarah, not Nick's room. 247 00:08:58,496 --> 00:09:00,564 It's not well ventilated in there. 248 00:09:00,631 --> 00:09:02,398 Let's see, we'll get there a little early, 249 00:09:02,466 --> 00:09:04,032 maybe get you in the shower, 250 00:09:04,101 --> 00:09:05,667 maybe a once-over with some disinfectant. 251 00:09:05,735 --> 00:09:07,303 Hmm... hey. 252 00:09:07,370 --> 00:09:08,837 Yard sale... pull over. 253 00:09:08,905 --> 00:09:09,871 No. 254 00:09:09,939 --> 00:09:11,707 Someone rich died, I can smell it. 255 00:09:11,774 --> 00:09:14,074 Okay, look, Joe, I'm trying to get you to the show on time. 256 00:09:14,117 --> 00:09:16,598 - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing? - I'll push you out of the car, 257 00:09:16,646 --> 00:09:17,712 okay? Whoa, whoa, whoa. 258 00:09:17,779 --> 00:09:20,249 Oh, yeah, yeah, baby, yard sale, yeah. 259 00:09:20,293 --> 00:09:21,460 Oh, I feel so alive. 260 00:09:21,493 --> 00:09:22,706 Aah, I got a charley horse. 261 00:09:22,776 --> 00:09:23,610 Oh, God. 262 00:09:24,820 --> 00:09:26,454 Hey, Sarah. 263 00:09:26,522 --> 00:09:27,989 Can you come out of Nick's room? 264 00:09:28,056 --> 00:09:29,824 I'm going to roll in his dirty clothes. 265 00:09:29,891 --> 00:09:32,029 - Jess, Schmidt asked me out. - Oh. 266 00:09:32,081 --> 00:09:34,506 Like, he came over and he asked me out, 267 00:09:34,531 --> 00:09:35,575 and I really can't go 268 00:09:35,581 --> 00:09:36,648 - on a date with him right now. - Okay... 269 00:09:38,399 --> 00:09:40,100 Sarah! I've had enough of this little... 270 00:09:40,168 --> 00:09:41,368 - Shh! - Listen to me, listen to me, 271 00:09:41,436 --> 00:09:42,869 all right, you little brat, 272 00:09:42,937 --> 00:09:44,771 you just need to be quiet because I need my friend 273 00:09:44,839 --> 00:09:46,940 to focus on me right now! 274 00:09:47,008 --> 00:09:48,275 What are you doing, Cece? 275 00:09:48,343 --> 00:09:49,742 You know how much this means to me. 276 00:09:49,809 --> 00:09:50,976 Don't let your dysfunction 277 00:09:51,044 --> 00:09:52,545 rub off on her. 278 00:09:52,613 --> 00:09:54,380 I am going to be a terrible mother. 279 00:09:54,448 --> 00:09:56,115 - No, no, no, shh. - A terrible mom! 280 00:09:56,907 --> 00:09:58,307 I'm gonna be just like my mother. 281 00:09:58,350 --> 00:09:59,390 You're gonna be a great mom. 282 00:09:59,415 --> 00:10:00,449 You're gonna be a fashionable mom. 283 00:10:00,467 --> 00:10:01,985 I can make this right, okay? 284 00:10:02,022 --> 00:10:02,988 Just... 285 00:10:03,056 --> 00:10:05,323 Sarah? 286 00:10:05,391 --> 00:10:06,491 Hey, Sarah. 287 00:10:06,559 --> 00:10:08,026 Um, look, 288 00:10:08,093 --> 00:10:11,763 you should definitely not be having sex right now 289 00:10:11,830 --> 00:10:13,995 at this age, but when you do, 290 00:10:14,039 --> 00:10:15,903 just make sure you always use protection 291 00:10:15,945 --> 00:10:18,443 because, even if he says it's tantric 292 00:10:18,464 --> 00:10:19,514 and you're Indian 293 00:10:19,539 --> 00:10:20,488 and you know better, 294 00:10:20,588 --> 00:10:22,882 you're just going to end up pregnant anyways. 295 00:10:23,121 --> 00:10:24,221 What? 296 00:10:26,578 --> 00:10:28,745 Cece, are you pregnant? 297 00:10:28,813 --> 00:10:29,746 Whoa! 298 00:10:29,814 --> 00:10:31,615 Sarah, Nick has one tie. 299 00:10:31,683 --> 00:10:32,849 See if you can find it. 300 00:10:32,917 --> 00:10:33,684 No, okay, 301 00:10:33,751 --> 00:10:34,876 I don't know. 302 00:10:34,913 --> 00:10:38,010 We have to wait for the test results, but I'm late. 303 00:10:39,323 --> 00:10:40,790 Oh, my... 304 00:10:40,857 --> 00:10:43,092 We made a caramel miracle. 305 00:10:43,160 --> 00:10:47,330 You pregnant, you pregnant. 306 00:10:47,398 --> 00:10:49,232 Oh, my God. 307 00:10:51,889 --> 00:10:53,036 You got Cece pregnant? 308 00:10:53,039 --> 00:10:55,040 We used protection. I don't know how this happened. 309 00:10:55,108 --> 00:10:57,109 - Think she did it on purpose? - An Indian-Jewish baby... 310 00:10:57,177 --> 00:10:58,944 who wouldn't want that? Think about the bone structure. 311 00:10:59,012 --> 00:11:00,278 Okay, I'm not ready to be a godparent. 312 00:11:00,346 --> 00:11:01,546 Don't ask. 313 00:11:01,614 --> 00:11:03,247 - No one's asking you. - Phew, good. 314 00:11:03,315 --> 00:11:05,516 - I'm not into being an uncle. - You're not my brother! 315 00:11:05,584 --> 00:11:07,518 Okay, Schmidt, are you sure you're okay about this? 316 00:11:07,586 --> 00:11:09,020 'Cause I'm freaking out by the fact 317 00:11:09,088 --> 00:11:10,554 that you're not freaking out! 318 00:11:10,622 --> 00:11:12,590 Yeah, I'm oddly calm about the whole thing. 319 00:11:12,657 --> 00:11:16,227 Look, Nick, maybe this isn't exactly in my five-year plan, 320 00:11:16,294 --> 00:11:17,929 but maybe this is fate. 321 00:11:17,996 --> 00:11:19,763 You know, maybe I hit the jackpot. 322 00:11:19,831 --> 00:11:21,564 Maybe this is the universe telling me 323 00:11:21,632 --> 00:11:23,934 that I'm never gonna find a girl better than Cece. 324 00:11:24,001 --> 00:11:25,802 By, the way, I'm-I'm Schmidt. 325 00:11:25,870 --> 00:11:28,038 Chloe. Mazel tov on your news. 326 00:11:28,106 --> 00:11:29,906 Oh, my God, finally, Nicholas. 327 00:11:29,974 --> 00:11:32,275 - You bring home a nice girl. - Right? 328 00:11:39,715 --> 00:11:41,383 So... that was crazy 329 00:11:41,451 --> 00:11:43,119 what happened with my friends, right? 330 00:11:43,186 --> 00:11:44,887 I liked it. 331 00:11:44,955 --> 00:11:46,388 Your life's like Gossip Girl, 332 00:11:46,456 --> 00:11:48,057 only everyone is old and poor. 333 00:11:48,125 --> 00:11:50,459 You know, there actually was a show like that. 334 00:11:50,526 --> 00:11:52,260 It was called Golden Girls. 335 00:11:52,327 --> 00:11:56,131 I'm Betty White, Schmidt's Rue McClanahan... 336 00:11:56,198 --> 00:11:57,565 Don't you think Nick is hot? 337 00:11:57,633 --> 00:12:01,068 Nick? Um... yeah, 338 00:12:01,136 --> 00:12:05,506 in a rumpled, small-town P.I. kind of way. 339 00:12:05,574 --> 00:12:06,840 What's he like in the morning? 340 00:12:06,908 --> 00:12:08,376 Do his eyes get sleepy? 341 00:12:08,443 --> 00:12:09,744 Does he love stuff? 342 00:12:09,811 --> 00:12:12,079 I want to love what he loves. 343 00:12:12,147 --> 00:12:14,414 Do you think that we'll ever do animal style? 344 00:12:14,482 --> 00:12:16,383 Four minutes! We eat in four! 345 00:12:16,450 --> 00:12:19,118 I made you a mocktail. 346 00:12:20,721 --> 00:12:21,921 Cece, are you crying? 347 00:12:21,989 --> 00:12:23,657 No. No. 348 00:12:23,724 --> 00:12:25,925 No. I-I... I just... I don't... I don't know. 349 00:12:25,993 --> 00:12:28,461 You're an amazing woman, 350 00:12:28,529 --> 00:12:32,831 and you're going to do and be so many things in this life. 351 00:12:33,599 --> 00:12:34,700 Maybe you'll be a mom, 352 00:12:34,768 --> 00:12:38,270 and maybe... maybe not. 353 00:12:38,338 --> 00:12:41,607 But I will support you no matter what. 354 00:12:45,743 --> 00:12:46,678 Thank you. 355 00:12:46,745 --> 00:12:49,547 I also just want to give you a quick heads up. 356 00:12:50,577 --> 00:12:52,411 I'm probably going to be going on the internet 357 00:12:52,429 --> 00:12:53,803 before we have sex again, because 358 00:12:53,852 --> 00:12:56,187 I-I just... I don't want to impregnate the baby, you know? 359 00:12:56,791 --> 00:12:58,692 I mean, we could have 360 00:12:58,729 --> 00:13:01,331 a Russian nesting doll situation on our hands. 361 00:13:08,863 --> 00:13:10,464 So, Sarah and I learned 362 00:13:10,481 --> 00:13:12,774 to use the pasta maker today, which was cool. 363 00:13:12,826 --> 00:13:14,189 Are you and Nick making love? 364 00:13:14,214 --> 00:13:14,927 Hmm? 365 00:13:14,987 --> 00:13:16,739 Who wants seconds? That's my question. 366 00:13:16,803 --> 00:13:18,603 Yeah, I would love seconds, Jess. That'd be great. 367 00:13:18,665 --> 00:13:20,198 If you're a boy, I'm gonna... 368 00:13:20,310 --> 00:13:23,312 I'm gonna name you Mordecai, or Abraham, 369 00:13:23,380 --> 00:13:27,015 Menachem Menandel, Schmerson. 370 00:13:27,083 --> 00:13:31,186 Hey! I'm watching you. 371 00:13:31,254 --> 00:13:32,855 Well, time for dessert. 372 00:13:32,922 --> 00:13:35,056 No, please don't get up. I will take care of it. 373 00:13:35,123 --> 00:13:37,258 Oh, thank you. That's so thoughtful. 374 00:13:37,326 --> 00:13:39,193 See? Thoughtful and mature. 375 00:13:39,261 --> 00:13:41,496 In your face! Yes! 376 00:13:41,564 --> 00:13:44,766 Congratulations. You're dating a girl with basic table manners. 377 00:13:44,834 --> 00:13:47,602 You win. Why don't you get on her health care plan? 378 00:13:49,571 --> 00:13:50,437 I'm so excited 379 00:13:50,505 --> 00:13:52,773 to take this journey with you. 380 00:13:52,841 --> 00:13:56,826 I mean, your boobs are gonna be unbelievably enormous. 381 00:13:56,863 --> 00:13:57,608 Sarah, 382 00:13:57,645 --> 00:14:00,046 do you want to go help Chloe with the dessert? I hate her. 383 00:14:00,114 --> 00:14:01,482 Oh, come on, you don't hate her. 384 00:14:01,549 --> 00:14:03,049 You don't know her well enough to hate her. 385 00:14:03,117 --> 00:14:04,451 Yes, I do! I know her. 386 00:14:04,519 --> 00:14:05,918 She used to ride on my school bus. 387 00:14:05,986 --> 00:14:07,030 No, no, no, that's... 388 00:14:07,078 --> 00:14:07,817 What? 389 00:14:07,855 --> 00:14:10,211 Oh, my God, that's 390 00:14:10,223 --> 00:14:11,391 why you look so familiar! 391 00:14:11,414 --> 00:14:12,293 You were that crazy 392 00:14:12,312 --> 00:14:13,880 little kindergartner who had, like, 393 00:14:13,915 --> 00:14:15,653 - the imaginary friends. - Oh. 394 00:14:15,722 --> 00:14:17,422 You're the skank with the skank face. 395 00:14:17,564 --> 00:14:19,799 Sarah, I know you're trying to look cool in front of you 396 00:14:19,867 --> 00:14:20,633 you know who... 397 00:14:20,701 --> 00:14:21,933 What?! You told him?! 398 00:14:22,001 --> 00:14:23,835 - No! I did not tell him. - You just told him! 399 00:14:23,903 --> 00:14:25,871 Oh, my God, Jess! 400 00:14:27,807 --> 00:14:29,207 What are you saying? 401 00:14:29,275 --> 00:14:30,942 When was the last time you were on a school bus? 402 00:14:31,510 --> 00:14:32,310 Last year. 403 00:14:32,378 --> 00:14:34,245 How old are you? 404 00:14:34,313 --> 00:14:36,915 18. 405 00:14:36,982 --> 00:14:38,449 Hey, you know what, Chloe? 406 00:14:38,517 --> 00:14:39,717 I actually think I subbed 407 00:14:39,785 --> 00:14:40,984 for your eighth grade English class. 408 00:14:41,052 --> 00:14:43,186 That's right! Hi, Miss Day! 409 00:14:43,254 --> 00:14:44,422 Hi. 410 00:14:47,826 --> 00:14:50,027 Well, it's a good thing I got you an extra shirt, 'cause... 411 00:14:50,094 --> 00:14:51,929 Whoa! Joe, Joe! 412 00:14:51,996 --> 00:14:53,596 Where you going? Where you going? Wait. 413 00:14:53,664 --> 00:14:55,732 Where are you going? Uh, sorry about this, man. 414 00:14:55,800 --> 00:14:58,568 Hey, don't make me chase you! Do not make me chase you! 415 00:14:58,636 --> 00:15:00,637 Joe, come back. 416 00:15:03,140 --> 00:15:04,941 Oh! Are you okay? 417 00:15:05,008 --> 00:15:07,410 Leave me alone. 418 00:15:07,478 --> 00:15:08,945 So, come on, man. What's up? 419 00:15:10,012 --> 00:15:12,247 Michael Strahan makes me feel like an idiot. 420 00:15:12,315 --> 00:15:16,452 Okay? I mean, he thinks he's better than me. 421 00:15:16,519 --> 00:15:17,686 He wins the Super Bowl, and suddenly, 422 00:15:17,754 --> 00:15:19,154 he's the best at everything. 423 00:15:19,221 --> 00:15:21,089 What's he better than you at? Huh? 424 00:15:21,157 --> 00:15:23,725 Marriage, probably. Money management, I would say. 425 00:15:23,793 --> 00:15:25,626 - Probably he's better than you at that. - Well... 426 00:15:25,694 --> 00:15:26,561 He's not better than you at yard sales. 427 00:15:26,628 --> 00:15:27,795 He's good at yard sales. 428 00:15:27,863 --> 00:15:29,029 Yeah, but he's not better than you. 429 00:15:29,097 --> 00:15:30,199 So here's what you're gonna do. You're gonna walk 430 00:15:30,267 --> 00:15:31,467 into that studio, and you're gonna 431 00:15:31,534 --> 00:15:32,935 show him the Napoli that I saw today. 432 00:15:33,103 --> 00:15:35,071 The one that I saw grabbed seven copies 433 00:15:35,138 --> 00:15:37,872 of Speed on VHS at a yard sale 434 00:15:37,940 --> 00:15:40,040 for a fraction of the retail price. 435 00:15:40,608 --> 00:15:42,509 When's the last time Strahan did that? 436 00:15:42,577 --> 00:15:44,078 Boom. You're not gonna let him win. 437 00:15:44,577 --> 00:15:45,678 Yeah. You know, I'm gonna do it. 438 00:15:45,745 --> 00:15:47,012 - I'm gonna do it. - You're gonna do it? 439 00:15:47,013 --> 00:15:48,581 That guy's a b-hole. He's a b-hole! 440 00:15:48,648 --> 00:15:50,416 You know what? If you were a woman, 441 00:15:50,485 --> 00:15:53,587 or even dressed as a woman, man, we'd be unstoppable. 442 00:15:53,654 --> 00:15:55,455 Mm, mm. 443 00:15:55,523 --> 00:15:58,097 18 years old. She was 18 years old. 444 00:15:58,116 --> 00:16:00,317 She doesn't even know what Netscape is. 445 00:16:00,393 --> 00:16:02,993 Thinks of Ice Cube as mainly an actor. 446 00:16:03,022 --> 00:16:05,372 This is a disaster! Ouli's downstairs. 447 00:16:05,398 --> 00:16:07,165 She just called me. She wants to be let up. 448 00:16:07,233 --> 00:16:08,968 Sarah's in my room, because she fell in love with you 449 00:16:09,035 --> 00:16:10,569 for some unknown reason. 450 00:16:10,637 --> 00:16:12,505 I might as well call you Bridge to Terabithia, 451 00:16:12,572 --> 00:16:14,038 because you make children cry. 452 00:16:14,106 --> 00:16:16,440 And you... I might as well call you 453 00:16:16,509 --> 00:16:17,909 Indian In the Cupboard because 454 00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:19,577 you put an Indian in Ce... Never mind. 455 00:16:19,645 --> 00:16:22,013 I will not apologize for my powerful sperm. 456 00:16:22,080 --> 00:16:23,715 Why are young girls in love with me? I look like an old man. 457 00:16:23,782 --> 00:16:25,116 Shut up, both of you! 458 00:16:25,183 --> 00:16:26,217 We're gonna fix this, 'cause 459 00:16:26,284 --> 00:16:27,919 I'm not losing Russell because 460 00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:31,454 you two have to make and/or date babies. 461 00:16:31,523 --> 00:16:33,056 You... go stall Ouli. 462 00:16:33,124 --> 00:16:34,658 Try not to get her pregnant. 463 00:16:34,726 --> 00:16:36,059 You... come with me 464 00:16:36,127 --> 00:16:38,562 and get Sarah out of my room. Now! 465 00:16:39,630 --> 00:16:40,430 I gonna go do Ouli. 466 00:16:40,498 --> 00:16:42,332 - Yeah, I'm gonna go do this. - Yeah. All right. 467 00:16:46,436 --> 00:16:47,870 - Ouli? - Yeah. 468 00:16:47,938 --> 00:16:49,805 Oh, my God, it's-it's Schmidt. 469 00:16:49,873 --> 00:16:51,373 How are you? 470 00:16:51,441 --> 00:16:53,609 Oh, my God, it's so good to see you. 471 00:16:53,677 --> 00:16:55,411 Great. 472 00:16:55,478 --> 00:16:57,013 Yeah. Havasu. 473 00:16:57,080 --> 00:16:59,381 '99. I was on the boat, remember? 474 00:16:59,449 --> 00:17:01,017 No. 475 00:17:01,084 --> 00:17:02,383 We were just... We were part... Yeah. I... 476 00:17:02,451 --> 00:17:04,452 - Winter Olympics. Uh-huh. - No. 477 00:17:04,520 --> 00:17:06,054 2006. 478 00:17:06,121 --> 00:17:07,756 Bobsled. 479 00:17:07,823 --> 00:17:09,490 Sarah, I know that you think 480 00:17:09,559 --> 00:17:11,359 you're in love with me right now, 481 00:17:11,427 --> 00:17:14,262 but I promise you, you're going to find someone better. 482 00:17:14,329 --> 00:17:16,932 No! No, I never will. 483 00:17:16,999 --> 00:17:18,666 I can be a bit of an anchor. 484 00:17:18,733 --> 00:17:20,167 I've been known to drag women down. 485 00:17:20,234 --> 00:17:21,635 That is true. Save me. 486 00:17:21,703 --> 00:17:23,070 What? This is so entertaining. 487 00:17:23,137 --> 00:17:24,438 Okay, Jess, honestly, help me. 488 00:17:24,505 --> 00:17:25,706 I don't know what to do. All right. 489 00:17:25,774 --> 00:17:27,975 Okay, just tell her something about 490 00:17:28,043 --> 00:17:29,843 life or something. 491 00:17:29,911 --> 00:17:31,511 Hey, Sarah? 492 00:17:32,080 --> 00:17:34,246 Sarah, I haven't loved somebody the way you love me 493 00:17:34,314 --> 00:17:39,485 in a very long time, and I miss that feeling. 494 00:17:39,553 --> 00:17:42,521 The feeling you have is good. It's just misplaced. 495 00:17:43,458 --> 00:17:45,757 It's better than being numb your whole life. 496 00:17:45,800 --> 00:17:47,234 You end up doing such weird things. 497 00:17:47,284 --> 00:17:49,684 You know what? Just stay in there. 498 00:17:49,739 --> 00:17:51,033 It's not that great out here. 499 00:17:51,079 --> 00:17:52,667 Stay in there as long as you can. 500 00:17:52,716 --> 00:17:54,149 He's kidding, Sarah. 501 00:17:54,198 --> 00:17:56,264 You should definitely, definitely come out. 502 00:17:56,402 --> 00:17:58,436 Oh, my God. The Melman funeral? 503 00:17:58,504 --> 00:18:00,872 - No. - We were both sitting next to... 504 00:18:00,940 --> 00:18:02,975 to Un... Un-Uncle Jack? 505 00:18:03,042 --> 00:18:04,910 - Yeah, sure. - I don't know Uncle Jack or Mel... 506 00:18:04,978 --> 00:18:09,113 Oh, my... I used to do your hair in Tribeca. 507 00:18:09,180 --> 00:18:12,149 - Sarah? Sarah, please come out. - Sarah, please. 508 00:18:12,217 --> 00:18:14,451 I can't come out. I'm too embarrassed. 509 00:18:14,519 --> 00:18:16,120 In front of us? We are literally 510 00:18:16,187 --> 00:18:18,455 the most embarrassing people on the planet. 511 00:18:18,523 --> 00:18:20,825 - Trust me. - Yeah, you don't have to be embarrassed around us. 512 00:18:20,892 --> 00:18:22,959 Sometimes I talk louder to blind people. 513 00:18:23,027 --> 00:18:26,496 I'm 30 years old, and I've peed in every pool I've been into. 514 00:18:26,563 --> 00:18:29,332 - Every single one. - Ew. 515 00:18:29,399 --> 00:18:32,802 I originally grew these bangs 'cause I hate my forehead. 516 00:18:32,870 --> 00:18:35,271 I still think it's funny when I guy puts tennis balls 517 00:18:35,339 --> 00:18:36,840 under his shirt and pretends it's boobs. 518 00:18:38,307 --> 00:18:39,541 They look like little boobs. 519 00:18:39,609 --> 00:18:41,076 I know. 520 00:18:41,144 --> 00:18:42,811 Come on, Sarah! 521 00:18:42,879 --> 00:18:45,748 Look, I do so many stupid things. 522 00:18:45,815 --> 00:18:47,282 You don't even know. 523 00:18:47,350 --> 00:18:49,151 I mean, like, falling for your dad. 524 00:18:49,218 --> 00:18:53,755 That was... so crazy, and I understand why you're confused. 525 00:18:53,822 --> 00:18:55,556 I'm confused. 526 00:18:55,624 --> 00:18:58,192 I'm not confused. I'm stuck. 527 00:18:58,260 --> 00:19:00,762 What? Oh, my God. 528 00:19:00,829 --> 00:19:02,263 Oh. I don't know how to get them off. 529 00:19:02,330 --> 00:19:03,665 Okay. Oh, okay. I'll get the front. 530 00:19:03,732 --> 00:19:06,134 I'll get the back. 531 00:19:06,201 --> 00:19:07,601 Hey, hey, guys, she's coming. 532 00:19:07,670 --> 00:19:08,569 Ouli's coming. I failed. 533 00:19:08,637 --> 00:19:09,736 I failed. I'm sorry. Uh... 534 00:19:09,804 --> 00:19:11,504 Hi, Ouli. Um... 535 00:19:11,572 --> 00:19:15,142 Who is the man taking the bras off my daughter? 536 00:19:15,209 --> 00:19:17,744 There is a God! I've got my period! 537 00:19:17,812 --> 00:19:19,780 It's so amazing! Oh, my God. 538 00:19:19,847 --> 00:19:22,415 Mmm. I got my period. 539 00:19:23,651 --> 00:19:25,951 - She got her period. - So happy! 540 00:19:26,019 --> 00:19:27,719 Welcome to our home. Would you like a drink? 541 00:19:31,029 --> 00:19:35,347 You have a beautiful daughter and a beautiful ex-husband. 542 00:19:35,397 --> 00:19:37,631 I mean... 543 00:19:39,368 --> 00:19:40,403 Bye, Nick. 544 00:19:40,470 --> 00:19:42,038 I'm kind of over you now. 545 00:19:42,105 --> 00:19:43,639 Okay. 546 00:19:44,675 --> 00:19:47,243 - Thank you. - Thanks, Jess. I had a really great time. 547 00:19:47,311 --> 00:19:50,346 Thanks, Sarah. Good-bye. 548 00:19:50,413 --> 00:19:52,214 Your mom doesn't have to know everything. 549 00:19:52,282 --> 00:19:55,317 - Heard that. Let's go. - Okay. 550 00:19:55,384 --> 00:19:57,052 - Thanks for coming by. - Oh, sure. 551 00:19:57,619 --> 00:19:59,888 - Bye, Sarah. See you at school. - Bye. 552 00:19:59,956 --> 00:20:01,289 Bye, Ouli. You ruley. 553 00:20:01,357 --> 00:20:03,224 Bye, Jess. You're a mess. 554 00:20:06,662 --> 00:20:09,696 I'm not having kids... till I'm 80. 555 00:20:11,833 --> 00:20:14,534 Now we can just go back to the way things were. 556 00:20:18,538 --> 00:20:19,706 You can go on your date. 557 00:20:21,274 --> 00:20:25,277 Right. Nicole, mm-hmm. 558 00:20:26,712 --> 00:20:28,547 No more stupid mistakes, right? 559 00:20:29,615 --> 00:20:31,249 Right. 560 00:20:33,019 --> 00:20:34,353 I'm gonna... I'm gonna go. 561 00:20:34,421 --> 00:20:36,389 - Go do your thing. - Yeah. 562 00:20:36,456 --> 00:20:37,990 Oh, wait. Oh, okay. 563 00:20:38,057 --> 00:20:39,158 - Okay, Cece, let's just... - Yeah. 564 00:20:39,225 --> 00:20:40,426 You know, there's a marathon downtown, 565 00:20:40,494 --> 00:20:42,527 - and I don't want you to hit the traffic. - Okay. 566 00:20:42,595 --> 00:20:44,195 - Okay. Thank you. - So let's just, head down. 567 00:20:44,263 --> 00:20:45,997 - That's very thought of you. - Don't hit the top. 568 00:20:46,064 --> 00:20:48,166 Okay. All right, you in, you in, you in? Good, okay. 569 00:20:48,233 --> 00:20:50,935 Terrible car for a baby anyway. 570 00:20:59,778 --> 00:21:02,912 Oh. 571 00:21:07,118 --> 00:21:09,787 I never knew Italy was so much more than pizza, Schmidty. 572 00:21:09,854 --> 00:21:11,322 It's so much more. 573 00:21:11,389 --> 00:21:14,291 She's okay. You're awesome! 574 00:21:14,358 --> 00:21:17,226 The reenactment of Pompeii really stays with you. 575 00:21:17,294 --> 00:21:18,729 What a move! 576 00:21:18,996 --> 00:21:21,631 Two shows a day. Two shows a day! How do they do it? 577 00:21:21,799 --> 00:21:23,433 Hey, if you're play a gondolier, 578 00:21:23,500 --> 00:21:25,535 you better skate like a gondolier. 579 00:21:25,602 --> 00:21:28,171 You know, Schmidty? Here's this idea. 580 00:21:28,239 --> 00:21:30,539 We should buy skaters. 581 00:21:31,106 --> 00:21:33,542 Yeah! 582 00:21:33,609 --> 00:21:36,022 Do something weird, Mussolini. We love you. 583 00:21:36,091 --> 00:21:41,259 Sync by Alice I www.addic7ed.com Resync for WEB-DL by Norther