1 00:00:01,275 --> 00:00:03,643 Thank you guys for joining me on this momentous day. 2 00:00:03,815 --> 00:00:05,949 As you guys know, it's been kind of a rough year for me. 3 00:00:06,377 --> 00:00:07,911 I got dumped by Caroline, 4 00:00:07,979 --> 00:00:08,917 then Julia. 5 00:00:08,955 --> 00:00:10,252 I opened myself up to love, 6 00:00:10,447 --> 00:00:11,714 I was hurt badly, 7 00:00:11,782 --> 00:00:13,571 and I closed myself up again. 8 00:00:14,276 --> 00:00:16,109 The downstairs neighbor put a password on their Wi-Fi... 9 00:00:16,146 --> 00:00:18,058 - Off topic. Off-putting. - Okay. I agree. 10 00:00:18,222 --> 00:00:19,455 So I've decided... 11 00:00:20,155 --> 00:00:21,656 to give up on women, 12 00:00:21,724 --> 00:00:23,592 and put all that energy into... 13 00:00:24,158 --> 00:00:25,190 tomatoes! 14 00:00:25,219 --> 00:00:26,299 You know what? It was on us 15 00:00:26,322 --> 00:00:27,586 for thinking this wasn't gonna be stupid. 16 00:00:27,625 --> 00:00:29,394 Thank God! I thought he was trying to sell us something. 17 00:00:29,449 --> 00:00:30,755 Guys, I have a whole speech! 18 00:00:30,791 --> 00:00:32,465 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, you guys. 19 00:00:32,567 --> 00:00:34,568 I told him not to lead with tomatoes, 20 00:00:34,636 --> 00:00:36,204 but he did. 21 00:00:36,272 --> 00:00:38,438 As his friends, don't you want to know why 22 00:00:38,439 --> 00:00:39,947 he wants to plant tomatoes? 23 00:00:40,009 --> 00:00:41,633 Is it because he wants tomatoes? 24 00:00:41,634 --> 00:00:43,634 This is my feeble attempt at a new beginning. 25 00:00:43,690 --> 00:00:45,424 He's sowing the seeds for a more fruitful tomorrow. 26 00:00:45,438 --> 00:00:46,905 He is turning over a new leaf. He is... 27 00:00:46,955 --> 00:00:48,606 Jess, please don't do plant metaphors right now. 28 00:00:48,624 --> 00:00:50,468 - Okay, I'll trim it back a little bit. - Okay, but you did it again. 29 00:00:50,518 --> 00:00:52,419 - It's just ripe with plant metaphors. - Okay, but stop. 30 00:00:52,486 --> 00:00:54,221 I'm looking at you guys, and I'm realizing 31 00:00:54,289 --> 00:00:55,822 that there's a possibility of happiness. 32 00:00:55,890 --> 00:00:57,524 He's looking for a little dapple of sunlight. 33 00:00:57,591 --> 00:00:59,226 - Go. - Sorry. 34 00:00:59,294 --> 00:01:02,529 Winston and Shelby, you guys have obviously found love, so... 35 00:01:02,596 --> 00:01:04,130 No, you have no idea. 36 00:01:04,197 --> 00:01:05,853 No, I do, 'cause you talk about it all the time. 37 00:01:05,886 --> 00:01:08,199 - I think we all have a pretty good idea. - Pretty clear idea. 38 00:01:08,667 --> 00:01:11,270 Schmidt and Cece, you almost made a baby together. 39 00:01:11,338 --> 00:01:14,173 You almost made a person. Think about that! 40 00:01:14,241 --> 00:01:15,441 Jess... 41 00:01:15,508 --> 00:01:16,642 you're dating the man that 42 00:01:19,446 --> 00:01:20,782 Your jawline could cut glass. 43 00:01:20,814 --> 00:01:21,876 Hold on tight, sister. 44 00:01:21,916 --> 00:01:22,980 Don't let that one slip away. 45 00:01:23,021 --> 00:01:24,010 It's getting a little weird, Nick. 46 00:01:24,043 --> 00:01:25,365 So, without further ado... 47 00:01:26,118 --> 00:01:28,386 Water, the source of life. 48 00:01:30,356 --> 00:01:31,289 Whoa! 49 00:01:33,059 --> 00:01:33,992 It's okay, I got two of them. 50 00:01:34,060 --> 00:01:34,974 You know what? 51 00:01:35,008 --> 00:01:36,145 Go downstairs, if you want! 52 00:01:36,165 --> 00:01:37,013 I don't care! 53 00:01:37,051 --> 00:01:39,160 I got the tomatoes and I'm bettin' on me! 54 00:01:39,230 --> 00:01:40,764 Freeze frame! 55 00:01:40,832 --> 00:01:43,102 When I'm up in the air and the legs are there. 56 00:01:45,870 --> 00:01:46,904 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ Sync by Alice lwww.addic7ed.com 57 00:01:46,905 --> 00:01:49,206 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ ♪ It's Jess. ♪ Sync by Alice | www.addic7ed.com 58 00:01:49,207 --> 00:01:53,785 Sync by Alice | www.addic7ed.com Resync for WEB-DL by Norther 59 00:01:55,512 --> 00:01:58,781 Cece, the Jewish is here to make sex. 60 00:01:58,849 --> 00:02:01,117 Uh, it's actually Schmidt. 61 00:02:01,185 --> 00:02:03,453 Um, we've met, uh, many times. 62 00:02:03,520 --> 00:02:06,922 Right. I hear you make sex through Cece wall. 63 00:02:06,991 --> 00:02:09,391 You sound like dog being stepped on. 64 00:02:11,995 --> 00:02:14,363 Any noises I make, they come from a very truthful place. 65 00:02:14,430 --> 00:02:16,298 I like to create a free environment in the sack. 66 00:02:16,366 --> 00:02:17,432 Hey. 67 00:02:17,500 --> 00:02:18,467 What's going on here? 68 00:02:18,534 --> 00:02:19,934 I like his face. 69 00:02:20,003 --> 00:02:21,903 I want to punch, punch, punch! 70 00:02:22,872 --> 00:02:24,605 Beautiful women... 71 00:02:24,672 --> 00:02:26,440 you guys can say just about anything, can't you? 72 00:02:26,508 --> 00:02:29,210 So what are you doing here? So, look, we've barely spoken 73 00:02:29,277 --> 00:02:32,013 since I almost impregnated you. 74 00:02:32,080 --> 00:02:33,647 You know, it's just, it's this whole thing 75 00:02:33,715 --> 00:02:35,049 has just kind of got me thinking. 76 00:02:35,117 --> 00:02:37,451 Maybe this is just too intense, 77 00:02:37,519 --> 00:02:39,786 and we should stop. 78 00:02:41,788 --> 00:02:43,123 That's what you want? 79 00:02:43,190 --> 00:02:45,058 It's how I feel right now, so, yeah. 80 00:02:45,126 --> 00:02:47,227 Oh... Coolio. 81 00:02:47,294 --> 00:02:49,762 So he goes out with me. 82 00:02:50,830 --> 00:02:51,664 Oh, Nadia, I think that... 83 00:02:51,732 --> 00:02:52,999 I think that's a great idea. 84 00:02:53,067 --> 00:02:55,301 I mean, that's what you want, right? 85 00:02:55,369 --> 00:02:57,536 Yeah. It's great. Totally cool with me. 86 00:02:57,603 --> 00:02:59,638 Yay! We have fun. 87 00:02:59,705 --> 00:03:01,773 I make him put on black shawl, 88 00:03:01,841 --> 00:03:03,842 pretend he's grandma. 89 00:03:06,079 --> 00:03:07,546 Fine, twist my arm. 90 00:03:07,613 --> 00:03:09,415 I'll go out with the hot Russian model 91 00:03:09,482 --> 00:03:11,517 whose ancestors probably burned down 92 00:03:11,584 --> 00:03:12,883 my ancestors' village. 93 00:03:12,951 --> 00:03:14,618 Something weird happened to me today. 94 00:03:14,686 --> 00:03:18,624 I was at Russell's gym, and I ran into his ex-wife Ouli. 95 00:03:20,192 --> 00:03:21,992 Jess, hi! 96 00:03:22,061 --> 00:03:24,262 - Ouli! - Oh, that's a great swimsuit. 97 00:03:24,329 --> 00:03:27,031 Thank you. 98 00:03:27,099 --> 00:03:29,332 Wow, someone's been working out. 99 00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:30,934 You back's like a bag of ropes. 100 00:03:31,001 --> 00:03:33,103 Oh, mama. 101 00:03:33,171 --> 00:03:34,804 It was really foggy 102 00:03:34,872 --> 00:03:37,374 and I kept making eye contact with her nipples, 103 00:03:37,442 --> 00:03:39,742 and then I panicked and I invited her to dinner 104 00:03:39,810 --> 00:03:41,010 with Russell and me tonight. 105 00:03:41,079 --> 00:03:42,079 - What? - You did what?! 106 00:03:42,146 --> 00:03:43,313 It's just that, like, Ouli is 107 00:03:43,381 --> 00:03:44,580 like this looming presence, 108 00:03:44,647 --> 00:03:46,082 and we don't talk about it, 109 00:03:46,149 --> 00:03:47,283 and I don't know, 110 00:03:47,350 --> 00:03:49,552 I thought it would be, like, good for us. 111 00:03:49,619 --> 00:03:51,454 - Everything okay with Russell? - Everything's fine. 112 00:03:51,521 --> 00:03:53,222 I know it's gonna be tense at first, 113 00:03:53,290 --> 00:03:54,690 'cause Ouli's no Russell's favorite person, 114 00:03:54,757 --> 00:03:56,825 but I grew up with divorced parents, 115 00:03:56,893 --> 00:03:59,828 and I'm really good at navigating these situations. 116 00:03:59,896 --> 00:04:01,663 - What did I do? - Nothing! 117 00:04:01,731 --> 00:04:03,398 ♪ Mommy's all right ♪ 118 00:04:03,466 --> 00:04:05,166 ♪ Daddy's all right ♪ 119 00:04:05,234 --> 00:04:08,403 ♪ They just seem a little weird ♪ 120 00:04:08,471 --> 00:04:11,106 ♪ Surrender, surrender... ♪ 121 00:04:11,923 --> 00:04:13,341 Don't tap-dance at dinner. 122 00:04:13,409 --> 00:04:15,376 Do you really think I would tap-dance at dinner? 123 00:04:15,444 --> 00:04:16,844 Yes. I'm hiding your tap shoes, Jess. 124 00:04:16,912 --> 00:04:18,553 - Absolutely. - I'm with Schmidt. Don't do it. 125 00:04:18,814 --> 00:04:19,892 Hi. 126 00:04:19,935 --> 00:04:21,357 Hi. I'm sorry I'm late. 127 00:04:21,449 --> 00:04:23,017 - Hi! - Hi! 128 00:04:23,085 --> 00:04:24,251 Hey, remember last time 129 00:04:24,319 --> 00:04:25,285 we were hugging? 130 00:04:25,853 --> 00:04:26,821 You were naked. 131 00:04:26,888 --> 00:04:27,955 That was weird. 132 00:04:28,023 --> 00:04:29,123 No! 133 00:04:29,190 --> 00:04:30,691 No, that's not weird at all. 134 00:04:31,159 --> 00:04:32,759 I have no problem being naked. 135 00:04:33,827 --> 00:04:35,194 - Hi. - Hi. 136 00:04:36,930 --> 00:04:38,898 How are the "quethadillath"? 137 00:04:39,466 --> 00:04:41,001 You know what? I've actually never had them. 138 00:04:41,068 --> 00:04:42,435 Oh, the eye roll. 139 00:04:42,503 --> 00:04:44,070 Mm. Miss that. 140 00:04:44,138 --> 00:04:45,705 I didn't actually roll my eyes. 141 00:04:45,773 --> 00:04:47,340 I just needed to quickly stare at the ceiling. 142 00:04:48,408 --> 00:04:49,875 Hey, Ouli... 143 00:04:49,943 --> 00:04:50,943 Mm... 144 00:04:51,511 --> 00:04:52,845 I love your name. 145 00:04:52,912 --> 00:04:54,179 Thank you. 146 00:04:54,247 --> 00:04:56,749 Or should I say, "grathiath"? 147 00:04:59,701 --> 00:05:01,468 Uh... 148 00:05:01,755 --> 00:05:03,055 Oh. 149 00:05:08,474 --> 00:05:09,930 - Well, this is fun. - Yeah. 150 00:05:09,993 --> 00:05:11,794 It is. 151 00:05:11,829 --> 00:05:13,588 Should we get, like, eight more of these, right? 152 00:05:15,039 --> 00:05:16,940 - I love this song. - Oh, I hate this song. 153 00:05:18,851 --> 00:05:20,752 When we were on vacation in Oaxaca, 154 00:05:20,851 --> 00:05:23,114 Ouli hummed this song for, like, an eight-hour drive. 155 00:05:23,134 --> 00:05:24,429 Well, it wouldn't have been eight hours 156 00:05:24,513 --> 00:05:25,458 if you hadn't gotten lost. 157 00:05:25,497 --> 00:05:28,047 At one point, we were just following some donkeys. 158 00:05:28,151 --> 00:05:30,352 Oh, my gosh! Look, it's food! 159 00:05:30,419 --> 00:05:32,554 - I love food. - They were not donkeys! 160 00:05:32,621 --> 00:05:33,688 I can't even remember what 161 00:05:33,756 --> 00:05:34,789 we were talking about. 162 00:05:34,858 --> 00:05:36,177 It wasn't a road. 163 00:05:36,621 --> 00:05:37,756 For the millionth time, 164 00:05:37,793 --> 00:05:39,066 just because a road's not on a map, 165 00:05:39,067 --> 00:05:40,224 doesn't mean it's not a road! 166 00:05:40,283 --> 00:05:41,350 Inside voice. 167 00:05:41,386 --> 00:05:42,503 You know what means it's not a road? 168 00:05:42,504 --> 00:05:43,851 When there are guys in tanks 169 00:05:43,882 --> 00:05:44,911 telling you to turn around. 170 00:05:44,912 --> 00:05:46,246 Oh, come on! Those were two kids in a jeep! 171 00:05:46,282 --> 00:05:47,459 Car gets stuck in the mud, 172 00:05:47,460 --> 00:05:49,178 and no, you could not move it, 173 00:05:49,188 --> 00:05:51,311 - Oh, here it is. - Because, God forbid, you break a nail! 174 00:05:51,373 --> 00:05:53,127 I got one manicure, one time! 175 00:05:53,128 --> 00:05:55,363 I'm not doing this. I'm not doing this! 176 00:05:55,402 --> 00:05:58,238 ♪ Ouli's all right, Russell's all right ♪ 177 00:05:58,273 --> 00:06:01,575 ♪ They just seem a little weird ♪ 178 00:06:01,862 --> 00:06:04,964 ♪ Surrender, surrender... ♪ 179 00:06:05,002 --> 00:06:06,026 I'm leaving. 180 00:06:06,057 --> 00:06:07,539 You mean before you get your "quethadillath"? 181 00:06:07,589 --> 00:06:08,622 That's it. 182 00:06:15,580 --> 00:06:16,981 It was crazy. 183 00:06:17,016 --> 00:06:19,050 There was, like, serious heat between them. 184 00:06:19,079 --> 00:06:20,548 Does she still have feelings for him? 185 00:06:20,596 --> 00:06:22,330 Maybe... 186 00:06:22,561 --> 00:06:23,510 Hey, Schmidt. 187 00:06:23,517 --> 00:06:24,399 What up? 188 00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:26,319 So, Nadia's excited for your date tonight. 189 00:06:26,320 --> 00:06:27,096 I bet. 190 00:06:27,097 --> 00:06:29,112 Make sure, uh, you use protection. 191 00:06:29,143 --> 00:06:30,703 She's a foreigner, Cece. 192 00:06:30,810 --> 00:06:32,061 What, do I look like an idiot? 193 00:06:32,062 --> 00:06:34,583 Seriously, she doesn't even know where she's been, all right? 194 00:06:34,623 --> 00:06:36,457 What, are we at Santa's family reunion? 195 00:06:36,626 --> 00:06:38,985 'Cause the "clawses" are coming out. 196 00:06:40,529 --> 00:06:43,164 The-the "claws" are coming out? You know... 197 00:06:43,489 --> 00:06:45,123 You're being catty, Cece. 198 00:06:48,360 --> 00:06:50,868 Are you gonna let him go out with Nadia? 199 00:06:50,890 --> 00:06:54,126 She was kicked out of Russia, Cece. Russia. 200 00:06:54,366 --> 00:06:56,514 Come on, why don't you just tell him you like him? 201 00:06:56,515 --> 00:06:58,088 It doesn't matter if I like him. 202 00:06:58,123 --> 00:07:00,524 - It's over. - And you're fine with that? 203 00:07:01,403 --> 00:07:02,971 - Yeah. - Are you? 204 00:07:03,000 --> 00:07:04,566 Yeah. 205 00:07:04,641 --> 00:07:05,732 Are you? 206 00:07:05,764 --> 00:07:07,162 - Yeah. - Hold up. Are you? 207 00:07:07,190 --> 00:07:09,601 - I am gonna kill you. - But are you? 208 00:07:14,023 --> 00:07:15,889 - Hey, Nick... - What? 209 00:07:15,918 --> 00:07:17,452 Have you seen Shelby's cat Rummikub? 210 00:07:17,653 --> 00:07:18,787 I mean, he is the cutest. 211 00:07:18,815 --> 00:07:20,149 Just the absolute cutest. 212 00:07:20,255 --> 00:07:21,583 Hey take a look at this picture 213 00:07:21,584 --> 00:07:23,183 where he woke up on my face. 214 00:07:23,760 --> 00:07:24,961 Can't even see my face. 215 00:07:25,028 --> 00:07:26,362 I look like a cat man. 216 00:07:28,798 --> 00:07:31,067 No! No! Get out of here, birds! 217 00:07:31,134 --> 00:07:33,001 Please get out of here, you sky rats! 218 00:07:33,069 --> 00:07:35,570 Go back to Hell, where you belong! 219 00:07:35,637 --> 00:07:37,072 Leave me and my plants alone! 220 00:07:37,139 --> 00:07:38,373 I need this! 221 00:07:38,441 --> 00:07:39,774 You know who loves birds? 222 00:07:39,842 --> 00:07:41,142 Please don't say it, Winston. 223 00:07:41,210 --> 00:07:43,011 Shelby. 224 00:07:46,582 --> 00:07:48,782 So... 225 00:07:51,353 --> 00:07:52,786 How do you like America? 226 00:07:52,854 --> 00:07:55,289 I like salad bar. 227 00:07:55,357 --> 00:07:57,757 I like Despicable Me. 228 00:07:57,825 --> 00:08:00,461 Tosh 2.0. 229 00:08:00,528 --> 00:08:03,063 I like Connect 4, 230 00:08:03,131 --> 00:08:05,172 freedom of speech, 231 00:08:05,203 --> 00:08:06,850 David Fincher, 232 00:08:07,001 --> 00:08:09,802 uh... sidewalk. 233 00:08:09,870 --> 00:08:13,739 I like 1-800-SLIM. 234 00:08:14,307 --> 00:08:16,542 "Your Mama" jokes. 235 00:08:17,110 --> 00:08:18,478 Strawberry. 236 00:08:19,045 --> 00:08:21,693 Wilmer Velmavelma. 237 00:08:21,762 --> 00:08:23,729 Leon J. Panetta. 238 00:08:23,890 --> 00:08:27,253 Ice skating for fun, not to save life. 239 00:08:28,421 --> 00:08:29,549 What are you laughing at? 240 00:08:29,568 --> 00:08:31,135 Cheese. Is for mouse. 241 00:08:31,524 --> 00:08:33,085 Are you Mick Mouse? 242 00:08:33,161 --> 00:08:35,206 - Am I what? - Why don't you get in your spaceship 243 00:08:35,227 --> 00:08:36,433 like Mick Mouse? 244 00:08:36,460 --> 00:08:37,601 - What are you talking about? - Mick Mouse. 245 00:08:37,647 --> 00:08:39,881 - What is a Mick Mouse? - Mick Mouse! 246 00:08:40,047 --> 00:08:41,747 I don't understand what Mick Mouse is! 247 00:08:41,768 --> 00:08:43,699 - Mick Mouse! - I don't under... I don't... 248 00:08:43,700 --> 00:08:45,059 What does that mean? What's a Mick Mouse? 249 00:08:45,070 --> 00:08:45,931 Mick Mouse! 250 00:08:45,977 --> 00:08:47,485 Are you saying Mickey Mouse? 251 00:08:47,507 --> 00:08:48,441 Yes. 252 00:08:48,493 --> 00:08:50,161 In America, honey, okay, 253 00:08:50,315 --> 00:08:52,548 Mickey Mouse, he's earthbound. 254 00:08:52,577 --> 00:08:54,178 Let's do sex party. 255 00:08:54,371 --> 00:08:56,671 I sex you in face. 256 00:08:56,723 --> 00:08:58,657 You're gonna sex me in my face? 257 00:09:00,733 --> 00:09:02,567 Well, fancy meeting you here. 258 00:09:02,791 --> 00:09:04,726 - Hi. - What's up? 259 00:09:04,760 --> 00:09:06,210 Love the gym. 260 00:09:06,950 --> 00:09:08,416 You and Russell, huh? 261 00:09:08,461 --> 00:09:09,762 - Oh... God. - Last night? 262 00:09:10,040 --> 00:09:11,032 Sorry. 263 00:09:11,117 --> 00:09:12,951 If we made you feel uncomfortable. 264 00:09:13,055 --> 00:09:14,502 We just can't be in the same room 265 00:09:14,509 --> 00:09:16,701 without wanting to rip each other's faces off. 266 00:09:16,702 --> 00:09:17,988 Yeah... yeah. 267 00:09:17,989 --> 00:09:19,778 Well, as long as it's, like, you know, faces 268 00:09:19,825 --> 00:09:21,792 and not, like... clothes. 269 00:09:22,305 --> 00:09:24,272 - You don't think... - No. 270 00:09:24,339 --> 00:09:26,804 I'm just... it's my endorphins, 271 00:09:26,805 --> 00:09:29,152 'cause I'm just, like, so high on endorphins. 272 00:09:29,153 --> 00:09:30,970 Yeah, because there's not a chance in hell. 273 00:09:31,008 --> 00:09:32,441 I mean, he is all yours. 274 00:09:32,681 --> 00:09:34,148 All yours. 275 00:09:34,716 --> 00:09:36,084 Awesome. 276 00:09:36,151 --> 00:09:38,052 I mean, you know what it's like with Russell. 277 00:09:38,120 --> 00:09:39,387 - Yeah. - Yeah! 278 00:09:39,455 --> 00:09:41,221 I mean... It's this roller coaster. 279 00:09:41,289 --> 00:09:44,091 It's like standing on the bow of a catamaran 280 00:09:44,158 --> 00:09:48,161 blasted with spray during a perfect storm. 281 00:09:48,229 --> 00:09:49,929 But you're... 282 00:09:49,997 --> 00:09:52,699 naked and... 283 00:09:52,766 --> 00:09:54,301 and you're on fire. 284 00:09:55,436 --> 00:09:56,469 You know? 285 00:09:56,536 --> 00:09:58,937 - Yeah. I do. - Whoo! 286 00:09:59,005 --> 00:10:02,575 I'm just, like, "Russell, put away the passion." 287 00:10:02,642 --> 00:10:04,676 And... 288 00:10:04,744 --> 00:10:06,345 show me a moderately good time. 289 00:10:06,413 --> 00:10:07,346 Yeah. 290 00:10:07,414 --> 00:10:08,614 Crazy. 291 00:10:08,681 --> 00:10:10,882 - So crazy. - It's crazy. 292 00:10:10,950 --> 00:10:12,817 Russell. 293 00:10:20,185 --> 00:10:21,458 - Hey! - What? 294 00:10:21,459 --> 00:10:22,627 What's with all the hammering? 295 00:10:22,663 --> 00:10:24,320 Whoa! What the hell is this thing? 296 00:10:24,375 --> 00:10:25,441 This thing is creepy. 297 00:10:25,503 --> 00:10:27,504 Yeah, it's called a scarecrow, okay? 298 00:10:27,572 --> 00:10:29,506 Birds keep coming after my plants. 299 00:10:29,574 --> 00:10:32,141 Whatever you're doing, just... stop with the hammering, okay? 300 00:10:32,209 --> 00:10:34,090 Because me and Shelby are downstairs, right now, 301 00:10:34,091 --> 00:10:35,094 trying to make love. 302 00:10:35,095 --> 00:10:36,756 - Ugh! Did you honestly just say that? - Well, dude, 303 00:10:36,757 --> 00:10:38,565 we're making love, man. It's beautiful. 304 00:10:38,583 --> 00:10:39,950 Who have you become, man? 305 00:10:40,017 --> 00:10:41,550 I'm happy. Am I not allowed to be happy? 306 00:10:41,618 --> 00:10:43,085 You're allowed to be happy, 307 00:10:43,152 --> 00:10:44,819 but it's really annoying, the way you're doing it. 308 00:10:44,888 --> 00:10:46,321 You know what I don't care about? 309 00:10:46,389 --> 00:10:47,623 - Mm-hmm? - Shelby. 310 00:10:48,191 --> 00:10:50,024 Oh, Shelby loves puzzles. 311 00:10:50,193 --> 00:10:52,928 Oh, Shelby loves donuts, but hates donut holes. 312 00:10:52,996 --> 00:10:54,463 Why are you hating on Shelby so much? 313 00:10:54,531 --> 00:10:56,698 I used to be your Shelby! 314 00:10:56,765 --> 00:10:58,500 That came out wrong. 315 00:10:58,567 --> 00:11:00,401 I'm sorry, I didn't know it was my fault 316 00:11:00,469 --> 00:11:02,537 that your life sucks and you're so miserable. 317 00:11:02,605 --> 00:11:04,839 Look at yourself! You look like one of those guys 318 00:11:04,907 --> 00:11:07,407 who crawls out of the grave in the "Thriller" video. 319 00:11:13,247 --> 00:11:15,015 - I want you to git. - Seriously? 320 00:11:15,016 --> 00:11:17,551 - I want you to git off my farm! - This is a little weird, man. 321 00:11:17,619 --> 00:11:20,053 - You used to be my best friend. Now, I don't know! - Talk to yourself, man. 322 00:11:20,121 --> 00:11:22,088 - So git! - I'm gitten! 323 00:11:22,156 --> 00:11:24,124 - I don't need ya! - Shut up! 324 00:11:32,131 --> 00:11:33,297 Hey, Russell. 325 00:11:33,298 --> 00:11:34,299 Mm-hmm. 326 00:11:34,867 --> 00:11:36,535 Do I ever drive you crazy? 327 00:11:37,102 --> 00:11:38,703 Of course not. 328 00:11:38,771 --> 00:11:40,305 Come on. There has to be something that I do 329 00:11:40,373 --> 00:11:42,841 that just, like... gets under your skin. 330 00:11:42,909 --> 00:11:44,475 No, I can't think of anything. 331 00:11:44,544 --> 00:11:46,377 Come on, Russell. Think. 332 00:11:46,445 --> 00:11:47,712 Think, think, think, think. 333 00:11:48,480 --> 00:11:49,514 Thin-k. 334 00:11:49,582 --> 00:11:52,316 That's annoying, right, the way I say, "Think"? 335 00:11:52,384 --> 00:11:53,484 - Well... - With a "K." 336 00:11:53,552 --> 00:11:55,819 Okay, Jess, um... 337 00:11:56,287 --> 00:11:57,655 Your eyes bug out a little 338 00:11:57,656 --> 00:11:59,257 - when you're trying to make a point. - Yeah? 339 00:11:59,258 --> 00:12:02,626 Yeah. And you do this, uh, squatting thing 340 00:12:02,694 --> 00:12:04,228 - when you're thinking sometimes. - Yeah? 341 00:12:04,296 --> 00:12:05,896 Yeah. Don't love that. 342 00:12:08,166 --> 00:12:10,800 - Like that? Like that? - Uh... 343 00:12:10,868 --> 00:12:12,602 Yeah, and I've never actually seen both of 344 00:12:12,670 --> 00:12:14,538 those things together, so it's not a favorite of mine. 345 00:12:14,605 --> 00:12:17,307 Is this just driving you crazy? 346 00:12:17,375 --> 00:12:18,542 Um... 347 00:12:18,609 --> 00:12:20,743 No, but it's not pleasant. 348 00:12:20,811 --> 00:12:21,911 You're not pleasant. 349 00:12:23,447 --> 00:12:24,980 You're not pleasant. 350 00:12:25,048 --> 00:12:26,482 - That's not nice, that's-that's... - Yeah. 351 00:12:26,550 --> 00:12:27,816 - Not nice. - No, it's passion! 352 00:12:27,884 --> 00:12:30,119 Oh! You hurt my teeth. 353 00:12:30,187 --> 00:12:32,054 Yeah, what you gonna do about it, Russell? 354 00:12:32,122 --> 00:12:34,022 Uh, well, I mean, probably nothing. 355 00:12:34,091 --> 00:12:36,425 You know, I hate this shirt, I hate this shirt. 356 00:12:36,493 --> 00:12:38,694 Okay. Okay, you know, well could you please... thank you. 357 00:12:40,762 --> 00:12:42,930 There it is. There's the fire. 358 00:12:42,998 --> 00:12:45,266 Where you been hiding it, Rusty? Where you been hiding it? 359 00:12:45,334 --> 00:12:46,667 I'm gonna, um, make some tea. 360 00:12:46,735 --> 00:12:48,103 Do you want some tea? We have chamomile. 361 00:12:48,170 --> 00:12:49,571 - No! - Okay. I mean... 362 00:12:49,638 --> 00:12:52,173 oolong... oolong, you want oolong? 363 00:12:52,241 --> 00:12:55,027 Ugh, I hate that you have so many coasters! Why? 364 00:12:55,028 --> 00:12:56,846 - Well, it's actually kind of a funny story... - Yeah? 365 00:12:56,944 --> 00:12:58,745 - Wow. - You just coasting through life, 366 00:12:58,813 --> 00:13:00,313 - you coaster? - This isn't good, not at all. 367 00:13:00,356 --> 00:13:03,204 You know, now-now I'm pissed. What is this? 368 00:13:06,453 --> 00:13:07,887 Something's missing. 369 00:13:07,955 --> 00:13:09,323 I didn't know it 370 00:13:09,390 --> 00:13:11,790 until I saw you and Ouli together the other night 371 00:13:11,858 --> 00:13:13,483 almost strangle each other. 372 00:13:13,506 --> 00:13:15,307 But then it clicked. 373 00:13:15,695 --> 00:13:17,363 I want that. 374 00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:20,435 I want what you and Ouli have. 375 00:13:20,474 --> 00:13:22,741 You want me to treat you like my ex-wife? 376 00:13:23,584 --> 00:13:24,851 Who I hate? 377 00:13:25,505 --> 00:13:27,672 I don't know, I just... 378 00:13:27,740 --> 00:13:29,448 You guys have this spark, 379 00:13:29,479 --> 00:13:31,346 and I want that spark! 380 00:13:31,679 --> 00:13:32,621 You have to admit, 381 00:13:32,667 --> 00:13:34,912 you have this spark, this passion. 382 00:13:36,098 --> 00:13:38,799 Passion's overrated, Jess. 383 00:13:43,221 --> 00:13:45,299 I knew we shouldn't have gone to that dinner, I... 384 00:13:45,402 --> 00:13:46,803 I want to go home. 385 00:13:46,895 --> 00:13:48,162 Jess... 386 00:13:48,502 --> 00:13:49,940 Just... 387 00:13:50,031 --> 00:13:52,199 can you just take me home? 388 00:13:57,605 --> 00:13:59,135 Get in there! 389 00:13:59,790 --> 00:14:01,558 Useless. 390 00:14:01,602 --> 00:14:04,071 You... get... in there. 391 00:14:04,148 --> 00:14:06,515 What is this, Martin Scorsese's The Wizard of Oz? 392 00:14:06,567 --> 00:14:08,335 I'm sorry about what happened on the roof, man. 393 00:14:08,544 --> 00:14:09,849 Apology accepted. 394 00:14:09,893 --> 00:14:12,447 It's just... we used to be miserable together, man. 395 00:14:14,041 --> 00:14:17,096 - We did have some pretty bad times together. - We had the worst. 396 00:14:17,166 --> 00:14:18,617 Hey, remember that time we pooled our money 397 00:14:18,618 --> 00:14:20,181 and bought that online dating profile together? 398 00:14:20,211 --> 00:14:21,259 Yes. 399 00:14:21,290 --> 00:14:23,814 The ladies did not care for Ninston Biller. 400 00:14:23,922 --> 00:14:25,856 - Zero dates. - Zero. 401 00:14:25,877 --> 00:14:28,679 I'm sorry that I can't be happier for you. 402 00:14:28,965 --> 00:14:30,724 I don't really know what's wrong with me, Winston. 403 00:14:30,739 --> 00:14:32,707 - You want me to tell you? - Not really, actually. 404 00:14:32,768 --> 00:14:33,973 Okay, why are you giving up? 405 00:14:34,011 --> 00:14:36,212 If something doesn't work out, what do you do? 406 00:14:36,308 --> 00:14:38,410 You make an adjustment, you give it one more shot. 407 00:14:38,445 --> 00:14:40,913 - I mean, that's what I did with... - Okay, just say it. 408 00:14:40,934 --> 00:14:42,201 - ...My beautiful Shelby. - Shelby. 409 00:14:42,245 --> 00:14:43,726 See, why did you say, "my beautiful Shelby"? 410 00:14:43,779 --> 00:14:44,700 It's so weird. 411 00:14:44,716 --> 00:14:46,717 Look, man, I just called her out of the blue, okay? 412 00:14:46,749 --> 00:14:48,931 And then... I was a different person, 413 00:14:48,979 --> 00:14:51,447 and she was a different person. Now look at us, man. 414 00:14:52,093 --> 00:14:55,028 We're eating sandwiches and making love to one another. 415 00:14:56,152 --> 00:14:57,853 Sandwiches and sex? 416 00:14:58,140 --> 00:15:00,241 I want that. 417 00:15:02,501 --> 00:15:03,934 Hey. 418 00:15:04,002 --> 00:15:06,682 How, um... how was your date last night? 419 00:15:06,750 --> 00:15:10,025 Brief. Small man go to hospital. 420 00:15:10,409 --> 00:15:11,519 The hospital? 421 00:15:11,558 --> 00:15:13,106 - Is he okay? - I don't know. 422 00:15:13,121 --> 00:15:15,825 I leave him there, I go make bowling. 423 00:15:15,858 --> 00:15:18,526 Nadia... like, honestly, what did you do to him? 424 00:15:18,547 --> 00:15:21,264 Well, he cry and cry. It was so funny. 425 00:15:21,311 --> 00:15:22,745 Oh, my God. 426 00:15:22,859 --> 00:15:25,060 There's me! 427 00:15:30,175 --> 00:15:32,777 I really like what we have. I thought you did, too. 428 00:15:32,844 --> 00:15:35,244 I do. I did. It's just, Russell... 429 00:15:37,882 --> 00:15:39,682 Great. Just forget it. 430 00:15:39,750 --> 00:15:42,385 Yeah, that seems to happen every time you're in this car. 431 00:15:42,453 --> 00:15:45,154 But there's so many buttons. It's like... 432 00:15:45,222 --> 00:15:48,425 The Batmobile doesn't have so many buttons. 433 00:15:49,192 --> 00:15:52,093 Look, Jess, I've already done the crazy, 434 00:15:52,161 --> 00:15:53,962 explosive passion thing. 435 00:15:54,030 --> 00:15:56,364 When I was with Ouli, it was like edging closer and closer 436 00:15:56,433 --> 00:15:57,666 to a wood chipper. 437 00:15:59,135 --> 00:16:00,969 I'm not looking for that any more. 438 00:16:02,037 --> 00:16:03,271 I understand. 439 00:16:03,839 --> 00:16:05,641 But I am. 440 00:16:06,408 --> 00:16:07,608 And... 441 00:16:07,676 --> 00:16:11,046 I want passion... 442 00:16:11,113 --> 00:16:13,714 even if it's harder and hurts more. 443 00:16:16,452 --> 00:16:19,054 So that's it. 444 00:16:19,121 --> 00:16:20,688 Good-bye, Russell. 445 00:16:27,095 --> 00:16:28,495 Well... 446 00:16:28,563 --> 00:16:30,397 Yeah. 447 00:16:34,135 --> 00:16:36,236 Oh, my God. 448 00:16:36,304 --> 00:16:38,137 Are you serious? 449 00:16:38,205 --> 00:16:40,906 How do you look this good under fluorescent lights? 450 00:16:40,975 --> 00:16:43,610 I am so, so sorry. 451 00:16:43,681 --> 00:16:46,827 Okay? This is all my fault. I thought... 452 00:16:46,913 --> 00:16:48,181 What happened? 453 00:16:49,850 --> 00:16:53,152 Yeah, um... this is embarrassing. 454 00:16:54,787 --> 00:16:56,154 I broke my penis. 455 00:16:56,222 --> 00:16:57,555 You what? 456 00:16:57,623 --> 00:16:59,124 I broke my penis. 457 00:16:59,192 --> 00:17:00,993 Things got... I mean, just out of control 458 00:17:01,060 --> 00:17:02,227 with Nadia last night. 459 00:17:02,295 --> 00:17:03,225 And there was like 460 00:17:03,279 --> 00:17:06,714 this one moment where it was just blinding pain. 461 00:17:06,756 --> 00:17:08,444 And then there was another moment where I was like 462 00:17:08,501 --> 00:17:10,634 watching myself watch myself... 463 00:17:10,702 --> 00:17:13,471 I think I finally understand what The Tree of Life is about. 464 00:17:13,538 --> 00:17:15,739 And I can't be certain of this, 465 00:17:15,807 --> 00:17:17,808 but I'm almost positive 466 00:17:17,876 --> 00:17:19,968 that Nadia's vagina contains a right angle. 467 00:17:20,010 --> 00:17:23,085 - I'm leaving. I cannot believe I came here. - How are you upset right now? 468 00:17:23,280 --> 00:17:25,049 Cece, you ended this. 469 00:17:25,117 --> 00:17:26,470 I don't know what you want from me! 470 00:17:26,485 --> 00:17:28,919 I don't want you sleeping with Nadia. 471 00:17:28,933 --> 00:17:32,335 Are you crazy? I don't want you sleeping with anyone. 472 00:17:34,825 --> 00:17:36,626 Because I like you. 473 00:17:39,463 --> 00:17:41,931 I can't just always say what I feel, okay? 474 00:17:41,999 --> 00:17:43,698 It's just... 475 00:17:43,766 --> 00:17:45,734 Just, whatever, Schmidt. 476 00:17:45,801 --> 00:17:48,570 You like me. 477 00:17:48,638 --> 00:17:50,239 You like my personality? 478 00:17:50,306 --> 00:17:51,773 I was surprised, too. 479 00:17:52,841 --> 00:17:53,842 Come here. 480 00:17:59,881 --> 00:18:00,948 - Oh! - Oh! 481 00:18:02,717 --> 00:18:05,640 - What happened? - Oh, my God, why? 482 00:18:05,686 --> 00:18:07,253 Oh, what? 483 00:18:07,290 --> 00:18:08,905 Oh, my God, my penis is having a heart attack. 484 00:18:08,935 --> 00:18:10,458 - Don't touch me, don't touch me. - Okay. I... 485 00:18:10,489 --> 00:18:12,357 - You gotta get out of here. - All right. 486 00:18:12,416 --> 00:18:13,754 I mean, I'd-I'd like... don't bend over! 487 00:18:13,828 --> 00:18:15,429 For crying out loud! What are you, nuts? 488 00:18:15,496 --> 00:18:16,930 I'm sorry, it's the yoga pants. 489 00:18:16,997 --> 00:18:18,731 I'm sorry for this, but I... 490 00:18:18,799 --> 00:18:20,233 - I like you. - And I like you, too, so much. 491 00:18:20,301 --> 00:18:21,935 Call a nurse, call a male nurse. 492 00:18:22,002 --> 00:18:23,736 Probably a heavy-set male nurse would be nice. 493 00:18:23,804 --> 00:18:24,476 Bye. 494 00:18:24,506 --> 00:18:27,359 Describe it to them as like a... as a battered highway cone. 495 00:18:43,807 --> 00:18:44,974 Oh, hey. 496 00:18:45,292 --> 00:18:47,225 Hey... 497 00:18:47,293 --> 00:18:48,659 Caroline, how you doing? 498 00:18:48,727 --> 00:18:49,584 Good. 499 00:18:49,618 --> 00:18:52,515 Just... going to use the bathroom. 500 00:18:52,590 --> 00:18:55,326 ♪ For sentimental reasons... ♪ 501 00:18:55,401 --> 00:18:56,869 - Caroline? - Yeah, I know. 502 00:18:56,898 --> 00:18:59,432 I just called her, and then... I don't know, it's... 503 00:18:59,453 --> 00:19:02,078 What are you doing? You guys had such a terrible relationship. 504 00:19:02,135 --> 00:19:03,302 Are you crazy? 505 00:19:03,533 --> 00:19:04,937 Are you burning incense? 506 00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:07,161 Yes, I am, for ambiance. She digs it. 507 00:19:07,224 --> 00:19:09,124 She digs it? 508 00:19:09,160 --> 00:19:11,195 Are you kidding, Nick? What happened? 509 00:19:11,239 --> 00:19:12,805 What happened to swearing off women 510 00:19:12,883 --> 00:19:14,508 and focusing on tomatoes? 511 00:19:14,546 --> 00:19:17,444 I can't grow tomatoes, Jess. 512 00:19:17,849 --> 00:19:20,458 I think this is what was supposed to happen all along. 513 00:19:20,494 --> 00:19:23,229 Me and Caroline. And I'm okay with it. 514 00:19:23,727 --> 00:19:24,838 I'm happy. 515 00:19:24,863 --> 00:19:27,275 That is pathetic, Nick. You're just saying that 516 00:19:27,333 --> 00:19:28,467 'cause you don't have the patience 517 00:19:28,496 --> 00:19:29,637 or the courage to be alone. 518 00:19:29,665 --> 00:19:31,681 I will never get used to those urinals. 519 00:19:33,170 --> 00:19:35,371 Hey, would you give me a second? I have to talk to Jess for... 520 00:19:35,439 --> 00:19:36,614 Oh. Sure. 521 00:19:36,650 --> 00:19:37,750 - Great. - Okay. 522 00:19:37,825 --> 00:19:39,715 - Bye, Caroline. - Bye. 523 00:19:39,730 --> 00:19:41,963 See you in one second. What is your problem? 524 00:19:41,992 --> 00:19:44,661 Have fun making terrible life decisions! 525 00:19:44,689 --> 00:19:46,377 Oh, you just know everything, don't you? 526 00:19:46,427 --> 00:19:48,094 - No, I don't... - I'm actually so sick of you. 527 00:19:48,147 --> 00:19:49,948 I'm just really disappointed in you. 528 00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:51,732 You know, maybe I'll be more like you, Jess, 529 00:19:51,733 --> 00:19:53,935 and I'll go run into the kitchen and make pastries 530 00:19:54,003 --> 00:19:55,170 - with sprinklies on them, - That isn't what I do. 531 00:19:55,238 --> 00:19:57,371 Then throw some dumb pajama outfit on, 532 00:19:57,439 --> 00:19:59,574 and then tell other people how to live their lives! 533 00:19:59,641 --> 00:20:01,475 It's not a pajama outfit! 534 00:20:01,543 --> 00:20:03,811 - They're called pajamas! - That's what I said! 535 00:20:03,878 --> 00:20:05,746 Nick, why don't you go back in your room 536 00:20:05,814 --> 00:20:07,248 and put on your stupid flannel 537 00:20:07,316 --> 00:20:09,584 and keep not living up to your potential! 538 00:20:09,651 --> 00:20:11,586 - You're a crazy person, Jess! - I am not, 539 00:20:11,653 --> 00:20:13,220 I'm just saying things that you don't want to hear. 540 00:20:13,287 --> 00:20:14,826 You know what I would like to hear from you? 541 00:20:14,863 --> 00:20:16,027 - What? - Silence! 542 00:20:16,056 --> 00:20:18,191 Well, I'm not gonna be silenced! 543 00:20:18,259 --> 00:20:19,859 Just shut up! For one second be quiet! 544 00:20:19,927 --> 00:20:21,695 - I'm trying to help you! - Please be quiet! 545 00:20:21,762 --> 00:20:22,929 - No! No! - I don't want your help. 546 00:20:22,996 --> 00:20:24,831 Stop making that face at me. I hate that face. 547 00:20:24,898 --> 00:20:27,300 This is my only face! I don't have a lot of faces, 548 00:20:27,368 --> 00:20:30,035 and if you don't like looking at my face, Jess... 549 00:20:31,605 --> 00:20:34,306 then look at my ass! 550 00:20:35,642 --> 00:20:38,410 - Oh! - Yeah! Get a good look! 551 00:20:38,478 --> 00:20:41,146 - Stop shaking your ass at me, you quitter. - This is the ass of a failure. 552 00:20:41,214 --> 00:20:43,649 - You get a look. - Look right at my ass. 553 00:20:43,717 --> 00:20:46,217 - No, Nick. - You bought the ticket, take a ride. 554 00:20:46,285 --> 00:20:49,212 - Feast your eyes on my butt. - I'm winning this moment. 555 00:20:49,228 --> 00:20:51,484 - You quitter. - Look at my butt, it's going faster than yours! 556 00:20:51,584 --> 00:20:53,558 I have the fastest butt in the land. 557 00:20:53,626 --> 00:20:55,393 - I got a faster one! - No, you don't. 558 00:20:55,461 --> 00:20:57,395 - What are we doing? - Stop looking at my ass. 559 00:20:57,963 --> 00:20:59,330 Oh, I'm gonna kill you. 560 00:21:01,195 --> 00:21:02,863 Quitter! 561 00:21:05,800 --> 00:21:07,902 You really think Nick is gonna believe that a tomato 562 00:21:07,970 --> 00:21:10,004 just sprung up overnight? 563 00:21:10,072 --> 00:21:11,238 Yes, I do. 564 00:21:11,306 --> 00:21:12,974 When it comes to tomatoes, 565 00:21:13,042 --> 00:21:15,877 no one in the world knows less than Nick. 566 00:21:15,944 --> 00:21:18,311 - So how long you gotta ice that thing? - Eight weeks. 567 00:21:18,379 --> 00:21:20,047 I mean, if I have any excitement 568 00:21:20,114 --> 00:21:21,982 it's excruciating pain. 569 00:21:22,050 --> 00:21:23,416 - Boobies. - What? 570 00:21:23,884 --> 00:21:27,420 - Boobies. - I love boobies... 571 00:21:27,488 --> 00:21:30,356 - Girls with clean hair. - Winston, this is the least funny game we've ever played. 572 00:21:30,424 --> 00:21:31,885 Models eating sliders. 573 00:21:31,953 --> 00:21:33,968 Bernadette Peters on a high beam. 574 00:21:35,094 --> 00:21:37,961 - Freshly baked bread. - Oh God. 575 00:21:38,009 --> 00:21:42,878 Sync by Alice I www.addic7ed.com Resync for WEB-DL by Norther