1
00:00:01,240 --> 00:00:04,332
♪ I wish I had a river ♪
2
00:00:04,395 --> 00:00:08,997
♪ I could skate away on ♪
3
00:00:09,591 --> 00:00:10,691
Hey, Jess.
4
00:00:10,759 --> 00:00:12,026
I brought you some tea.
5
00:00:12,094 --> 00:00:14,295
Just gonna leave it
right here, okay?
6
00:00:14,363 --> 00:00:15,497
There you go.
7
00:00:15,564 --> 00:00:17,265
So, Russell...
8
00:00:17,833 --> 00:00:18,977
Ouch.
9
00:00:19,016 --> 00:00:20,646
Right? I mean, who
saw that coming?
10
00:00:20,708 --> 00:00:21,981
Not me.
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00:00:22,085 --> 00:00:24,075
Certainly not Russell.
12
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I guess, I guess
you saw it coming.
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I mean, 'cause you're
the one who broke up with him.
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- Leave, Schmidt.
- All right, fine.
15
00:00:29,191 --> 00:00:30,534
I'll leave. But
you know what?
16
00:00:30,796 --> 00:00:32,937
you're not the
only one that's hurting here,
17
00:00:32,979 --> 00:00:34,671
Jessica Day.
The economy stinks,
18
00:00:34,715 --> 00:00:37,783
bees are dying, movies are
pretty much all sequels now,
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00:00:37,814 --> 00:00:40,703
- and I... have a broken penis.
- Don't say "broken penis."
20
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Don't pretend to know my pain.
21
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Hey, Jess.
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00:00:47,261 --> 00:00:49,295
- Hi.
- What's this song called?
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- "The River."
- Hmm.
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00:00:50,930 --> 00:00:52,532
- Do you like it?
- Yeah, yeah, I liked the way
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you played it for the first time
at 10:00 last night.
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00:00:54,867 --> 00:00:57,068
I liked it a little bit less
at 2:00 a.m.
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And now I'm kind of hoping that
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the sun comes up,
thaws that river
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and that woman drowns.
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Get out!
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Russell was perfect.
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What's wrong with me?
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Am I self-sabotaging?
34
00:01:13,707 --> 00:01:15,590
Am I secretly a Cylon?
35
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You just didn't love him.
36
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But what if it's me?
37
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What if I have some idea
of love in my head
38
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and it's just totally wrong?
39
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Do not second-guess
yourself, okay?
40
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It was a tough choice,
but it was the right choice.
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Yeah, mm-hmm.
42
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Ow.
43
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♪ It's coming on Christmas... ♪
44
00:01:41,178 --> 00:01:43,445
- Oh, my God, she's dead!
- Oh, no, no, come on!
45
00:01:43,513 --> 00:01:45,647
80 more times!
I get it now! It's a river!
46
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All right, now let's
go and get a drink,
47
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because you really need
to get out of this room.
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I'm not ready.
49
00:01:52,054 --> 00:01:53,589
Turn that song back on!
50
00:01:53,656 --> 00:01:55,890
Caroline and I made up
a dance routine to cheer you up.
51
00:01:55,958 --> 00:01:57,536
- No, you didn't.
- Yeah, well, I'm gonna dance,
52
00:01:57,555 --> 00:01:59,240
- and Nick's gonna clap.
- Okay. I'll just clap.
53
00:01:59,905 --> 00:02:01,307
You about ready now?
54
00:02:01,406 --> 00:02:02,806
- Yeah, I'm ready now.
- Yeah, let's go.
55
00:02:02,897 --> 00:02:04,232
Uh, feel it.
Uh, uh.
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00:02:04,299 --> 00:02:05,499
Get it, Caroline!
Get it, Caroline!
57
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Born to dance.
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Dance the bump.
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♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
Sync by Alice | www.addic7ed.com
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
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♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
Sync by Alice | www.addic7ed.com
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
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♪ It's Jess. ♪
Sync by Alice | www.addic7ed.com
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
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I'm gonna end up alone.
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I'm gonna be a single old lady
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flashing people on the subway.
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00:02:22,717 --> 00:02:24,951
Jess, first of all,
you're never gonna be old,
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00:02:25,018 --> 00:02:27,954
because humans--
we're gonna be immortal by 2026.
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And second of all,
give me your phone.
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00:02:29,624 --> 00:02:30,556
Why?
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Do you want to drunkenly call
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00:02:32,325 --> 00:02:34,426
Russell tonight and tell him
what a huge mistake you made?
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00:02:34,494 --> 00:02:36,428
- You don't want to backslide, trust me.
- Be quiet.
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00:02:36,496 --> 00:02:37,996
Your life is
too perfect to talk to
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00:02:38,064 --> 00:02:39,131
anyone in Jess's condition
right now.
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00:02:39,198 --> 00:02:41,032
Look, Jess, backsliding is
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00:02:41,100 --> 00:02:42,834
what happens
after a clean break.
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00:02:42,902 --> 00:02:45,504
When you, when you freak out
and you go crawling back
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and you just make everything
messy and horrible.
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- I'm not gonna do that.
- You have backslider
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00:02:49,541 --> 00:02:51,376
written all over you.
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00:02:51,443 --> 00:02:53,010
Did I tell you
guys that my boss
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00:02:53,078 --> 00:02:54,845
invited me to play poker
with him tonight?
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00:02:54,913 --> 00:02:56,781
Crazy thing, he never invites
anybody to play poker with him.
83
00:02:56,848 --> 00:02:58,883
I mean, come on, I'm in
the prime of my life, baby.
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00:02:58,950 --> 00:03:00,117
- Winston, shut up!
- Shut up!
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Schmidt, I actually
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00:03:01,320 --> 00:03:02,286
- need my phone back.
- No.
87
00:03:02,353 --> 00:03:03,754
I need to call Russell to just
88
00:03:03,821 --> 00:03:05,121
tell him I left
my pajamas there.
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00:03:05,189 --> 00:03:06,823
The fact that you were
wearing pajamas
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00:03:06,891 --> 00:03:08,825
in the presence of your lover
tells me that that relationship
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00:03:08,893 --> 00:03:10,093
was doomed from the start.
No way.
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Disgusting.
93
00:03:11,462 --> 00:03:12,996
Don't fake me--
don't fake me out.
94
00:03:13,063 --> 00:03:14,364
Are you guys playing a game?
95
00:03:14,432 --> 00:03:15,365
No. No. Just chillin'.
96
00:03:15,433 --> 00:03:16,600
Hey, good-lookin'.
97
00:03:16,668 --> 00:03:18,067
- Hey.
- What can I get you?
98
00:03:18,135 --> 00:03:20,035
How about one of those
Nick Miller Manhattans?
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00:03:20,103 --> 00:03:21,904
Ah, straight bourbon
in a plastic cup.
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00:03:23,006 --> 00:03:24,740
Come with me.
101
00:03:26,976 --> 00:03:28,043
Think we should
show him the DVD?
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00:03:28,111 --> 00:03:30,179
What DVD?
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00:03:30,246 --> 00:03:33,683
Nick made a DVD after the last
time Caroline broke up with him.
104
00:03:33,750 --> 00:03:35,850
It's all the reasons why they
shouldn't get back together.
105
00:03:35,918 --> 00:03:37,084
We hid it somewhere in the loft.
106
00:03:37,152 --> 00:03:38,953
Ooh. Intrigue.
107
00:03:39,021 --> 00:03:41,189
- Mama like.
- I don't know that we should...
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00:03:41,256 --> 00:03:43,291
Cece's here.
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Why is she dressed like
a women's studies major?
110
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It's precautionary.
111
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Just until my junk heals.
112
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Ow. Owie.
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Damn it.
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00:03:50,132 --> 00:03:51,031
You okay?
115
00:03:51,098 --> 00:03:52,165
No, I'm not okay.
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00:03:52,233 --> 00:03:53,867
What is going on, Jess?
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00:03:53,935 --> 00:03:55,636
I was just thinking
about this word
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that I learned from Schmidt.
119
00:03:57,905 --> 00:03:59,506
Backsliding.
120
00:03:59,574 --> 00:04:01,277
Oh, so you're saying
I'm a backslider.
121
00:04:01,311 --> 00:04:03,395
I don't know what we're supposed
to do together any more.
122
00:04:03,417 --> 00:04:05,342
Everything seems
to turn you on.
123
00:04:05,380 --> 00:04:08,147
Oh, look, Cece, a bird.
Ow. Ah, damn it!
124
00:04:08,215 --> 00:04:11,217
Schmidt, it's a mother bird
in her nest!
125
00:04:11,284 --> 00:04:12,585
Must I say it, Cece?
126
00:04:12,653 --> 00:04:13,753
What?
127
00:04:13,821 --> 00:04:15,120
- Eggs.
- Okay.
128
00:04:17,123 --> 00:04:18,891
Okay, sure, look, did Caroline
129
00:04:18,959 --> 00:04:22,661
physically, mentally and
emotionally abuse me for years?
130
00:04:23,029 --> 00:04:24,062
Yes!
131
00:04:24,629 --> 00:04:26,097
But she changed.
132
00:04:26,165 --> 00:04:27,966
It's about timing.
133
00:04:28,033 --> 00:04:30,369
And the first time around,
we weren't ready to work at it,
134
00:04:30,436 --> 00:04:31,837
and now we are.
135
00:04:31,904 --> 00:04:32,937
And besides,
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00:04:33,005 --> 00:04:34,906
Caroline is way hotter than
137
00:04:34,974 --> 00:04:38,142
that voice in my head,
who sounds like Tom Waits
138
00:04:38,210 --> 00:04:40,944
and tells me I'm a failure
and that I look bad in hats.
139
00:04:41,012 --> 00:04:43,046
I don't want to spend
my whole life with him.
140
00:04:43,114 --> 00:04:44,715
You know what I mean?
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00:04:44,783 --> 00:04:46,484
Okay.
142
00:04:46,551 --> 00:04:48,285
At least you'll get
a break from me tomorrow.
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00:04:48,353 --> 00:04:49,754
I've got to go visit my dadi.
144
00:04:49,821 --> 00:04:50,654
What?
145
00:04:50,722 --> 00:04:52,055
It's my grandmother.
146
00:04:52,123 --> 00:04:53,557
- Oh, your bubbe?
- Yes, my...
147
00:04:53,625 --> 00:04:55,324
Oh, I have a bubbe.
148
00:04:55,393 --> 00:04:57,193
- Uh, my bubbe is in a home.
- Yeah.
149
00:04:57,261 --> 00:04:58,762
Old people freak me out.
150
00:04:58,829 --> 00:05:01,531
With their hands
and their legs.
151
00:05:01,599 --> 00:05:04,501
Just, they're like the human
version of pleated pants.
152
00:05:05,068 --> 00:05:06,235
- Really?
- Not for me.
153
00:05:06,303 --> 00:05:07,236
- Hey, Schmidt.
- Hey.
154
00:05:07,304 --> 00:05:08,104
Can I borrow your jacket?
155
00:05:08,171 --> 00:05:09,272
- Yeah, sure.
- Thanks.
156
00:05:09,339 --> 00:05:10,839
Like, aren't into old people?
157
00:05:10,907 --> 00:05:11,940
Not at all.
158
00:05:12,008 --> 00:05:13,409
I mean, just-just horr...
159
00:05:13,476 --> 00:05:14,777
like giant walking raisins.
160
00:05:14,844 --> 00:05:15,744
They're in a home...
161
00:05:15,812 --> 00:05:17,746
It's me.
162
00:05:17,814 --> 00:05:20,115
I've been thinking
a lot about you.
163
00:05:20,182 --> 00:05:21,016
Jess.
164
00:05:21,083 --> 00:05:22,317
Hmm?
165
00:05:22,385 --> 00:05:25,421
I can't feel my arm.
166
00:05:28,091 --> 00:05:29,269
Oh.
167
00:05:29,391 --> 00:05:30,793
Whoa.
168
00:05:30,816 --> 00:05:33,085
I really can't feel it at all.
169
00:05:33,495 --> 00:05:34,762
Wake up, fella.
170
00:05:34,830 --> 00:05:36,864
You're gonna be late for school.
171
00:05:38,567 --> 00:05:40,133
Genzlinger.
172
00:05:44,825 --> 00:05:47,447
What is that?
173
00:05:47,559 --> 00:05:49,403
It's an earring, man.
What does it look like?
174
00:05:49,496 --> 00:05:50,897
Got kind of wasted
last night with Joe,
175
00:05:50,965 --> 00:05:52,576
and so, you know,
I got my ear pierced.
176
00:05:52,998 --> 00:05:55,081
This is the perfect moment.
177
00:05:56,158 --> 00:05:57,674
Wait, I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna do it.
178
00:05:57,716 --> 00:05:58,832
- Wait, what?
- I'm gonna do.
179
00:05:58,847 --> 00:06:00,864
See, this is when
it gets weird between us.
180
00:06:00,907 --> 00:06:01,740
One, two, three.
181
00:06:03,109 --> 00:06:04,509
You know,
traditionally, the male
182
00:06:04,577 --> 00:06:05,677
of the species is
more glamorous.
183
00:06:06,245 --> 00:06:07,880
When's it coming out,
by the way?
184
00:06:07,947 --> 00:06:10,482
- The earring? - No, no, the smooth
jazz album you're dropping.
185
00:06:12,852 --> 00:06:16,188
Hey, guys. You
remember, um, Paul.
186
00:06:16,256 --> 00:06:17,822
Mercedes-Genz!
187
00:06:17,856 --> 00:06:19,356
Genzel Washington.
188
00:06:19,457 --> 00:06:21,959
It's the Genz of the world
as we know it.
189
00:06:22,027 --> 00:06:24,728
All right, everybody, put down
your Genz and your Genzils.
190
00:06:24,830 --> 00:06:26,197
Hey, Schmidt.
What's up, Washington?
191
00:06:27,666 --> 00:06:29,100
- Um hey.
- Hey.
192
00:06:29,168 --> 00:06:30,868
- So maybe--
- Okay.
193
00:06:30,936 --> 00:06:32,703
- We definitely--
- Oh yeah, that sounds...
194
00:06:32,804 --> 00:06:34,771
Okay.
195
00:06:34,806 --> 00:06:35,839
Okay.
196
00:06:35,907 --> 00:06:37,640
- Okay
- All right.
197
00:06:39,877 --> 00:06:41,178
- Backslider!
- Don't.
198
00:06:41,245 --> 00:06:42,212
- You backslid.
- Come on.
199
00:06:42,280 --> 00:06:44,281
You backslid all the way
200
00:06:44,348 --> 00:06:46,817
down the hill and back
into the parking lot.
201
00:06:46,884 --> 00:06:48,484
Take off your skis and wait
202
00:06:48,552 --> 00:06:50,385
for your family in the lodge,
Jessica Day.
203
00:06:50,453 --> 00:06:51,954
Look, I think
this could be good.
204
00:06:52,022 --> 00:06:54,156
Paul and I had
really bad timing before,
205
00:06:54,224 --> 00:06:56,658
and maybe I should just
give it another shot.
206
00:06:56,726 --> 00:06:57,793
Such an ugly crier.
207
00:06:57,861 --> 00:06:59,594
He is the all-time worst crier.
208
00:07:07,803 --> 00:07:10,138
It's like
he's a slow-motion sneeze.
209
00:07:10,205 --> 00:07:10,933
Winston,
210
00:07:10,956 --> 00:07:12,189
what is in your ear?
211
00:07:12,255 --> 00:07:13,089
It's hot and I love it.
212
00:07:13,119 --> 00:07:14,229
Does that feed information
213
00:07:14,267 --> 00:07:16,784
back to Shelby to keep track
of your migration patterns?
214
00:07:16,830 --> 00:07:18,104
- Drop it.
- Please, Jess.
215
00:07:18,141 --> 00:07:19,317
He just got back from Carnival.
216
00:07:19,348 --> 00:07:20,514
Know what?
217
00:07:22,851 --> 00:07:24,751
These people are disgusting.
218
00:07:24,819 --> 00:07:26,320
I've never been more
flaccid in my life.
219
00:07:27,355 --> 00:07:28,288
Thank God.
220
00:07:28,356 --> 00:07:29,957
I mean, this place
221
00:07:30,024 --> 00:07:31,691
is a cardigan gold mine.
222
00:07:31,759 --> 00:07:32,692
Can I get you anything, Dadi?
223
00:07:32,760 --> 00:07:34,728
A hot-blooded man
224
00:07:34,795 --> 00:07:36,563
and a hotel room would be nice.
225
00:07:37,697 --> 00:07:39,332
Oh, just get me a puzzle.
226
00:07:41,223 --> 00:07:42,328
Yeah?
227
00:07:42,387 --> 00:07:44,087
I raised that girl.
228
00:07:44,530 --> 00:07:46,564
She is my life.
229
00:07:46,773 --> 00:07:49,014
And she's not
as tough as she looks.
230
00:07:49,092 --> 00:07:51,003
If you hurt her,
231
00:07:51,015 --> 00:07:54,820
I will let myself die
and then I will haunt you.
232
00:07:56,148 --> 00:07:57,968
Whoa, look at this fireplace.
233
00:07:58,011 --> 00:07:58,992
It's huge.
234
00:07:59,046 --> 00:08:01,330
Caroline, that is not a
fireplace, that is, like,
235
00:08:01,349 --> 00:08:03,417
a room you could
safely set on fire.
236
00:08:04,207 --> 00:08:05,727
Yeah, this is really nice.
237
00:08:05,766 --> 00:08:06,986
- It is.
- So grown up.
238
00:08:07,034 --> 00:08:09,165
But where's all your stuff
gonna go?
239
00:08:09,180 --> 00:08:12,460
Like, where will
the Grateful Dead bears dance?
240
00:08:12,495 --> 00:08:14,130
Oh, I didn't realize
I lived here, too.
241
00:08:14,173 --> 00:08:16,708
Seriously though, what do
you think about moving in?
242
00:08:17,035 --> 00:08:18,978
Wait, you want to
move in together?
243
00:08:19,006 --> 00:08:21,674
Yeah, I mean, I feel like
if we're gonna do this again,
244
00:08:21,715 --> 00:08:23,778
we should do it
for real this time, you know?
245
00:08:23,806 --> 00:08:24,551
Right.
246
00:08:24,578 --> 00:08:26,153
I mean, I'm 33 years old.
247
00:08:26,176 --> 00:08:28,356
You're 30 years old; we're the
same age, you knucklehead.
248
00:08:28,393 --> 00:08:31,662
No, I lied about that.
I'm 33.
249
00:08:31,816 --> 00:08:33,817
I don't want to start
at the beginning again with you.
250
00:08:34,713 --> 00:08:40,036
I mean, you're not...
not making sense.
251
00:08:41,265 --> 00:08:42,298
Knock-knock.
252
00:08:42,366 --> 00:08:43,299
Hi.
253
00:08:43,367 --> 00:08:44,801
Hi back.
254
00:08:44,869 --> 00:08:46,402
- Um...
- Hey...
255
00:08:46,470 --> 00:08:48,071
- I want to tell you...
- I have something to tell you.
256
00:08:48,139 --> 00:08:50,001
- Oh, sorry, you go first.
- Oh, I'll go first.
257
00:08:50,073 --> 00:08:53,440
Um, I was thinking
a lot about, um...
258
00:08:54,245 --> 00:08:56,979
you and last night.
259
00:08:57,047 --> 00:08:59,181
Right.
260
00:08:59,249 --> 00:09:01,717
And we have something good.
261
00:09:01,785 --> 00:09:04,620
Jess, I have a girlfriend.
262
00:09:04,687 --> 00:09:06,155
- What?
- Yeah.
263
00:09:06,223 --> 00:09:08,724
Very serious girlfriend.
264
00:09:08,792 --> 00:09:09,825
Oh, my God.
265
00:09:09,893 --> 00:09:11,460
Why didn't you tell me?
266
00:09:11,527 --> 00:09:13,795
When you called me
last night, we had just gotten
267
00:09:13,863 --> 00:09:16,330
into this huge fight,
and I was really confused.
268
00:09:16,398 --> 00:09:18,299
You cheating on her with me?
269
00:09:18,367 --> 00:09:19,667
Is that bad?
That's bad.
270
00:09:19,735 --> 00:09:21,035
It's really bad.
271
00:09:21,103 --> 00:09:23,204
Oh, no, that's really bad.
272
00:09:23,272 --> 00:09:25,173
Why would you do that?!
273
00:09:25,241 --> 00:09:26,707
Now I know what Bill Clinton
feels like.
274
00:09:26,776 --> 00:09:28,876
Now I know
how Monica Lewinsky feels!
275
00:09:28,943 --> 00:09:31,011
I'm sorry I made you
feel like Monica Lewinsky.
276
00:09:31,079 --> 00:09:31,779
Stop crying!
277
00:09:31,846 --> 00:09:33,546
You are literally
278
00:09:33,614 --> 00:09:35,615
the ugliest crier
I have ever seen!
279
00:09:35,683 --> 00:09:37,751
You cry smile.
280
00:09:37,819 --> 00:09:39,052
Hey, babe, I'm here for lunch.
281
00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:40,754
- Oh!
- Oh.
282
00:09:40,822 --> 00:09:42,389
Oh, no, are you crying?
283
00:09:42,456 --> 00:09:45,391
Is everything okay?
284
00:09:45,958 --> 00:09:48,127
There's-there's...
285
00:09:48,428 --> 00:09:50,562
I'm sorry to have to
break it to you,
286
00:09:50,630 --> 00:09:51,616
but that is the way
287
00:09:51,639 --> 00:09:53,920
the electoral college works,
man.
288
00:09:53,967 --> 00:09:56,602
It-it seems so unfair.
289
00:09:56,670 --> 00:09:58,637
So votes don't mean as much.
290
00:09:58,705 --> 00:10:00,010
It upsets me, too.
291
00:10:06,498 --> 00:10:07,813
I'm gonna miss you, Winston.
292
00:10:07,851 --> 00:10:09,235
- What do you mean?
- I'm gonna miss you
293
00:10:09,302 --> 00:10:11,203
when your caravan moves on
to the next village.
294
00:10:12,740 --> 00:10:14,206
Oh, my God!
295
00:10:14,774 --> 00:10:16,509
He has a girlfriend!
296
00:10:16,576 --> 00:10:18,143
He cheated on his girlfriend
297
00:10:18,211 --> 00:10:19,278
with me.
298
00:10:19,346 --> 00:10:20,345
I'm a cheater.
299
00:10:20,412 --> 00:10:21,813
P. Genz played you?
300
00:10:21,881 --> 00:10:22,814
I saw her.
301
00:10:22,882 --> 00:10:25,583
She looks like an Asian me.
302
00:10:26,252 --> 00:10:28,753
Asian Jess. Wo-- Ow.
303
00:10:28,820 --> 00:10:30,154
I can't even backslide right.
304
00:10:30,222 --> 00:10:31,222
I've been her.
305
00:10:31,290 --> 00:10:33,124
I've been Asian me before.
306
00:10:33,191 --> 00:10:34,692
Are you gonna keep calling her
"Asian me,"
307
00:10:34,760 --> 00:10:35,960
because it's becoming
a problem for me.
308
00:10:36,027 --> 00:10:37,628
I don't know her name, Schmidt.
309
00:10:37,695 --> 00:10:39,696
But I do know
that if I were her,
310
00:10:39,764 --> 00:10:42,332
I would want to know what kind
of person I was dating.
311
00:10:42,400 --> 00:10:44,100
And that's why
I have to tell her.
312
00:10:44,168 --> 00:10:45,702
- What? No, don't do that.
- Please don't do that.
313
00:10:45,770 --> 00:10:47,137
Mm-mm. Sometimes, when
you make a mistake,
314
00:10:47,204 --> 00:10:49,906
all you can do is own up to it,
all right?
315
00:10:49,974 --> 00:10:51,608
Because it's something
you can't fix.
316
00:10:51,676 --> 00:10:52,445
Knowledge.
317
00:10:52,482 --> 00:10:54,080
Take it easy,
black George Michael.
318
00:10:54,244 --> 00:10:55,177
I have to do it.
319
00:10:55,245 --> 00:10:57,212
I have to tell her.
320
00:10:57,281 --> 00:10:59,415
61 years we've been together.
321
00:10:59,483 --> 00:11:00,416
14 presidents
322
00:11:00,484 --> 00:11:02,818
and four different Batmen.
323
00:11:02,886 --> 00:11:04,503
Why don't we go for a walk?
324
00:11:04,569 --> 00:11:05,886
I'm just gonna go get
your sweater.
325
00:11:05,909 --> 00:11:07,292
- I'll be back in a second.
- Oh, thanks, sweetie.
326
00:11:07,336 --> 00:11:08,974
- Give me one second.
- Wow,
327
00:11:09,017 --> 00:11:11,560
so you guys are like
real live Yodas, huh?
328
00:11:11,634 --> 00:11:13,071
Can I ask you a question?
329
00:11:13,116 --> 00:11:14,766
- Yeah.
- Shoot, cowboy.
330
00:11:14,818 --> 00:11:16,340
How do you build a relationship?
331
00:11:16,390 --> 00:11:17,956
How 'bout Viagra?
332
00:11:18,133 --> 00:11:20,134
I use it just to keep
from falling out of bed.
333
00:11:20,202 --> 00:11:22,069
How does a guy like me
have a chance
334
00:11:22,137 --> 00:11:23,971
at making someone
like Cece happy?
335
00:11:24,039 --> 00:11:26,540
You don't. Not with all those
moles on your face.
336
00:11:26,608 --> 00:11:29,009
- I should just give up, huh?
- That's crazy!
337
00:11:29,076 --> 00:11:30,010
She needs you!
338
00:11:32,014 --> 00:11:34,014
You are exactly what she needs.
339
00:11:37,819 --> 00:11:39,019
Here's your sweater, Dadi.
340
00:11:39,086 --> 00:11:40,620
Oh, thank you.
341
00:11:40,688 --> 00:11:42,422
Um, I'll meet you out there
in a second, okay?
342
00:11:42,489 --> 00:11:43,723
Okay.
343
00:11:44,791 --> 00:11:46,225
Take it easy, Burt.
344
00:11:49,094 --> 00:11:50,796
You know, for the first
time in my life
345
00:11:50,864 --> 00:11:54,200
I actually feel like I want
something that lasts.
346
00:11:56,636 --> 00:11:58,137
And I want it with you.
347
00:11:58,205 --> 00:12:02,241
I feel... the same way.
348
00:12:02,309 --> 00:12:04,242
You do?
349
00:12:04,310 --> 00:12:06,244
Oh!
350
00:12:06,312 --> 00:12:07,979
- It hurts so bad, because...
- What's turning you on?
351
00:12:08,047 --> 00:12:09,214
- Oh...
- The queen of diamonds?
352
00:12:09,281 --> 00:12:10,882
- The bow?
- Oh, my God.
353
00:12:10,950 --> 00:12:12,250
The teeth in the glass?
354
00:12:12,318 --> 00:12:13,751
I care about you so much.
355
00:12:13,819 --> 00:12:15,720
- The leaf painting?
- But...
356
00:12:15,787 --> 00:12:18,156
Is emotional intimacy
turning you on?
357
00:12:20,325 --> 00:12:22,125
Are you in that much pain?
358
00:12:22,693 --> 00:12:23,660
Uh, he passed out.
359
00:12:23,728 --> 00:12:24,995
We need help!
360
00:12:25,063 --> 00:12:26,626
Yo. What's up, man?
361
00:12:26,674 --> 00:12:28,107
- How'd the audition go?
- What?
362
00:12:28,229 --> 00:12:30,296
- For the Disney pirate movie?
- Ha-ha.
363
00:12:30,318 --> 00:12:31,507
Hey, Mr. T called.
364
00:12:31,538 --> 00:12:33,615
He wants to punch you because
that earring looks stupid.
365
00:12:33,655 --> 00:12:34,742
I mean, Lil' Wayne
wears it, so...
366
00:12:34,780 --> 00:12:36,555
Oh, Little Wayne Gonzales
from Brazil?
367
00:12:36,728 --> 00:12:39,236
Who came to the United States
to dance and be free!
368
00:12:39,362 --> 00:12:41,163
You can't touch me, baby.
I'm in the prime of my life.
369
00:12:41,678 --> 00:12:43,537
Tell me, what are you doing?
What you been doing all day?
370
00:12:43,572 --> 00:12:45,874
Oh, I'm actually looking for
an apartment. It's for Caroline.
371
00:12:45,917 --> 00:12:47,780
She's looking for a new
apartment, and she asked me if
372
00:12:47,811 --> 00:12:49,735
I wanted to move in with her,
and I'm thinking about it.
373
00:12:49,819 --> 00:12:52,566
Cool! Cool, cool,
sounds like so much fun.
374
00:12:52,589 --> 00:12:54,457
I'm really glad that's your
reaction, because I thought
375
00:12:54,483 --> 00:12:56,246
you were going to tell me
I was making a huge mistake.
376
00:12:56,254 --> 00:12:57,394
Honestly, I didn't
want to hear that.
377
00:12:57,420 --> 00:12:59,621
Wouldn't do that,
that'd be silly.
378
00:13:04,700 --> 00:13:06,825
What are you doing? Huh? What?
379
00:13:06,885 --> 00:13:08,216
No, Nick...
No, no, no! No!
380
00:13:08,236 --> 00:13:11,203
Nick. Nick. Nick, Nick!
Nick! Don't!
381
00:13:11,237 --> 00:13:12,441
It's for your own good.
382
00:13:12,458 --> 00:13:14,226
- Get out of there!
- What are you...? No, Schmidt!
383
00:13:14,261 --> 00:13:15,592
Grab him!
Okay, grab him.
384
00:13:15,640 --> 00:13:16,446
You got him?
385
00:13:16,529 --> 00:13:17,971
- Watch the television.
- You got him?
386
00:13:17,996 --> 00:13:18,973
Watch it. Watch it.
387
00:13:19,004 --> 00:13:20,699
Watch the television.
Watch the TV...
388
00:13:20,736 --> 00:13:22,103
All right, all right,
watch the TV.
389
00:13:22,154 --> 00:13:23,321
- Hello, Nick...
- No!
390
00:13:23,435 --> 00:13:24,869
In all its glory, watch it.
391
00:13:25,014 --> 00:13:27,182
- You magnificent dumb-ass.
- Come on.
392
00:13:27,321 --> 00:13:28,800
If you're watching this,
393
00:13:28,831 --> 00:13:30,899
it's because you decided
to get back with Caroline.
394
00:13:30,964 --> 00:13:32,564
Yes, Nick. I did.
395
00:13:32,632 --> 00:13:34,399
Well, congratulations,
you idiot.
396
00:13:34,467 --> 00:13:37,102
- She destroyed you.
- You don't know me, you jerk!
397
00:13:37,170 --> 00:13:39,171
These, my dumb friend,
are your tears.
398
00:13:39,238 --> 00:13:41,105
- And you saved them all.
- I got him, I got him.
399
00:13:41,137 --> 00:13:42,394
Think back, Nick, Stay still.
400
00:13:42,431 --> 00:13:43,728
Or whatever they call you
in your time.
401
00:13:43,809 --> 00:13:45,777
Who dumped you three times?
402
00:13:45,844 --> 00:13:48,179
Once before you had to speak
at your brother's wedding.
403
00:13:48,246 --> 00:13:49,749
Well, he's divorced now,
so I'll get another shot.
404
00:13:49,790 --> 00:13:51,392
- This is a poem you wrote about Caroline...
- I don't want the poem.
405
00:13:51,449 --> 00:13:52,850
- I don't want the poem.
- You're getting the poem.
406
00:13:52,918 --> 00:13:54,719
But you're too emotional
to read it right now.
407
00:13:54,787 --> 00:13:56,920
You're going to give it
to Schmidt for safekeeping.
408
00:14:00,825 --> 00:14:02,425
This is your doing, Caroline.
409
00:14:02,493 --> 00:14:03,994
You were right to
have trusted me.
410
00:14:04,062 --> 00:14:06,129
Two years I held this thing.
411
00:14:06,197 --> 00:14:08,098
- Read it.
Here they come.
412
00:14:08,166 --> 00:14:09,599
Okay.
413
00:14:09,667 --> 00:14:12,768
"Shall I compare thee
to a summer's day?
414
00:14:12,836 --> 00:14:15,604
No, a summer's day
is not a bitch."
415
00:14:15,672 --> 00:14:17,740
Really, Nick?
416
00:14:17,808 --> 00:14:19,261
That's how you want
to talk about Caroline?
417
00:14:19,305 --> 00:14:20,961
I can't move, my
earring is stuck.
418
00:14:20,988 --> 00:14:22,558
But there's something
I want to do to you, then.
419
00:14:22,602 --> 00:14:24,411
Don't move, don't move.
Don't move, Nick, don't move!
420
00:14:24,457 --> 00:14:25,801
Let's have a conversation like men!
Let's act like men, Nick! Ah!
421
00:14:25,856 --> 00:14:27,456
You want to act like men,
let's act like men.
422
00:14:27,543 --> 00:14:30,122
Look at how far
you've come, Nick.
423
00:14:30,154 --> 00:14:32,514
- Want to be a bartender forever, pal?
- I'm still a bartender.
424
00:14:32,554 --> 00:14:34,255
You want to be a grown man
425
00:14:34,323 --> 00:14:37,125
who dresses like an unsponsored
professional skateboarder?
426
00:14:37,193 --> 00:14:39,594
You don't want to live like
this. You're moving on.
427
00:14:39,661 --> 00:14:41,196
I'm here to tell you
you're doing the right thing,
428
00:14:41,263 --> 00:14:42,764
so just keep going.
429
00:14:42,832 --> 00:14:45,699
Can I talk to you Nick-to-Nick
for a second?
430
00:14:45,767 --> 00:14:48,268
I respect you, man.
You're rocking the hell
431
00:14:48,336 --> 00:14:50,604
out of that beard,
and the long hair looks good,
432
00:14:50,671 --> 00:14:52,272
despite what other people
are gonna say.
433
00:14:52,340 --> 00:14:54,208
Look, the Caroline
that broke your heart,
434
00:14:54,267 --> 00:14:56,247
I get why you don't like her.
435
00:14:56,278 --> 00:14:57,879
But it's a different Caroline
that's picking me up
436
00:14:57,949 --> 00:14:59,782
in five minutes, Nick.
437
00:15:00,318 --> 00:15:02,256
Do you want me to live alone
in this loft
438
00:15:02,282 --> 00:15:03,782
for the rest of my life?
439
00:15:03,851 --> 00:15:07,120
Hey, what's the difference
between me and Bill Cosby?
440
00:15:07,187 --> 00:15:09,423
Well, thanks, guys. You helped
me figure something out.
441
00:15:09,448 --> 00:15:11,044
All right, well, look,
442
00:15:11,058 --> 00:15:13,192
I think this was a really
nice talk, Future Nick.
443
00:15:13,260 --> 00:15:15,427
I hope you got something from
it, 'cause I know that I did.
444
00:15:17,429 --> 00:15:18,897
I'm gonna call her.
445
00:15:18,931 --> 00:15:21,099
- I have to call..
- No! Damn it, give me the phone.
446
00:15:21,136 --> 00:15:23,167
- Please get out of here, I have to call...
Coach! He's calling her again.
447
00:15:23,202 --> 00:15:26,772
- We lost him.
- We sure did, Captain Black Sparrow.
448
00:15:26,839 --> 00:15:28,306
- Hey, Paul.
- Hey.
449
00:15:28,374 --> 00:15:30,408
I'm not going to let you
lie to your girlfriend.
450
00:15:30,476 --> 00:15:32,509
Okay? It's not fair to her.
451
00:15:32,577 --> 00:15:35,045
So you have to tell her
what happened between us.
452
00:15:35,113 --> 00:15:36,313
Or I will.
453
00:15:36,381 --> 00:15:38,448
All right.
You're right.
454
00:15:38,515 --> 00:15:40,571
- I have to tell her.
- Yeah.
455
00:15:40,623 --> 00:15:42,844
I'm so scared, though.
I don't want to lose her, Jess.
456
00:15:42,887 --> 00:15:44,038
She's my soul mate.
457
00:15:44,074 --> 00:15:46,490
For someone with a soul mate,
you sure did have sex with me.
458
00:15:46,557 --> 00:15:48,825
I know. I know, and I don't
expect you to believe me--
459
00:15:48,893 --> 00:15:50,593
I wouldn't believe me
if I were you--
460
00:15:50,661 --> 00:15:52,962
but check it out.
461
00:15:53,030 --> 00:15:55,131
I even bought her
an engagement ring.
462
00:15:56,599 --> 00:15:57,668
Oh...
463
00:15:58,508 --> 00:16:00,682
That's... that's
really beautiful.
464
00:16:00,723 --> 00:16:02,446
I've been carrying it around
in my pocket for two weeks,
465
00:16:02,506 --> 00:16:04,072
trying to find the right way
to propose to her.
466
00:16:04,140 --> 00:16:06,641
And I just started panicking,
and I got...
467
00:16:06,709 --> 00:16:09,577
I don't know, I got scared,
and-and-and really confused,
468
00:16:09,645 --> 00:16:11,446
and I'm so sorry
to drag you into this,
469
00:16:11,514 --> 00:16:12,948
but this was the biggest
mistake of my life.
470
00:16:13,016 --> 00:16:15,017
God, Paul, don't make me
feel sorry for you.
471
00:16:15,084 --> 00:16:16,285
I know. I messed up.
472
00:16:16,352 --> 00:16:18,053
Big-time.
473
00:16:18,121 --> 00:16:19,254
And I'm going to lose her.
474
00:16:19,322 --> 00:16:21,222
Oh, God, I can't lose her!
475
00:16:21,290 --> 00:16:23,624
Hey, babe, you left
your tuner in my car.
476
00:16:23,692 --> 00:16:26,260
Oh. Hi!
You're Jess, right?
477
00:16:26,328 --> 00:16:27,494
I'm Jenn.
478
00:16:27,562 --> 00:16:29,297
Jenn.
479
00:16:32,234 --> 00:16:34,001
Well, I was just leaving.
480
00:16:34,069 --> 00:16:36,803
- Jess and I slept together.
- Oh, God.
481
00:16:36,871 --> 00:16:38,604
- What? - I want to be
completely honest with you.
482
00:16:38,672 --> 00:16:40,473
It happened two days ago,
and we did lots of stuff.
483
00:16:40,541 --> 00:16:42,642
There was talking,
and there were hands,
484
00:16:42,710 --> 00:16:44,777
- and I think we ruined a throw pillow.
- He's making it sound
485
00:16:44,846 --> 00:16:46,379
a lot more erotic than it was.
486
00:16:46,447 --> 00:16:49,082
It was just, like,
lying there and... blah.
487
00:16:49,150 --> 00:16:50,951
I am so sorry.
488
00:16:51,018 --> 00:16:52,718
I'm... I'm begging you
to forgive me.
489
00:16:52,785 --> 00:16:54,686
I thought you loved me.
490
00:16:54,754 --> 00:16:56,055
I'm so sorry.
491
00:16:56,122 --> 00:16:57,890
I'm an idiot!
492
00:16:59,726 --> 00:17:02,261
- I'm an idiot, I'm so sorry.
- Oh, my God. No...
493
00:17:02,329 --> 00:17:05,064
Yeah, I'm such an idiot.
494
00:17:05,131 --> 00:17:06,598
Good-bye, Paul.
495
00:17:06,666 --> 00:17:08,799
Oh, no.
Wait. Wait. Jenn?
496
00:17:08,868 --> 00:17:10,434
Haven't you done enough?
497
00:17:10,502 --> 00:17:13,872
Yeah, I have.
I have done enough, but...
498
00:17:15,875 --> 00:17:18,609
I know how you feel.
499
00:17:18,677 --> 00:17:21,179
I've been there.
I've been cheated on before,
500
00:17:21,247 --> 00:17:22,914
and it feels like someone
501
00:17:22,982 --> 00:17:24,714
dropped an anvil on your heart.
502
00:17:24,782 --> 00:17:27,217
Um, but...
503
00:17:27,285 --> 00:17:30,020
That guy wasn't right for me.
504
00:17:30,588 --> 00:17:31,255
You guys...
505
00:17:31,322 --> 00:17:33,056
You guys are perfect together.
506
00:17:34,458 --> 00:17:36,126
I thought you were Asian me,
507
00:17:36,194 --> 00:17:39,229
but now I realize
I'm just Caucasian you.
508
00:17:39,297 --> 00:17:40,562
- What?
- What?
509
00:17:40,630 --> 00:17:42,098
Paul was scared.
510
00:17:42,165 --> 00:17:43,332
And when you're scared,
511
00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:45,334
you do stupid things.
512
00:17:45,402 --> 00:17:47,336
He made a really
terrible mistake.
513
00:17:47,404 --> 00:17:49,272
Really terrible.
514
00:17:49,339 --> 00:17:51,908
The things that we did
48 hours ago were so dark...
515
00:17:51,975 --> 00:17:53,609
- I'm handling this.
- Sorry.
516
00:17:53,676 --> 00:17:56,044
Jenn...
517
00:17:56,112 --> 00:17:57,512
you love Paul.
518
00:17:58,079 --> 00:17:59,080
I know that
519
00:17:59,148 --> 00:18:00,581
because you're still
standing here.
520
00:18:00,649 --> 00:18:03,018
What you guys have...
521
00:18:03,085 --> 00:18:04,619
it's way bigger than me.
522
00:18:05,436 --> 00:18:07,088
And I think...
523
00:18:07,156 --> 00:18:08,924
I think Paul has something
to ask you.
524
00:18:10,426 --> 00:18:12,559
I know this is not
the right time to do this,
525
00:18:12,627 --> 00:18:15,062
in fact, this is
a terrible time to do this,
526
00:18:15,130 --> 00:18:16,964
but I don't care.
527
00:18:17,032 --> 00:18:18,966
I want to spend the rest
of my life with you,
528
00:18:19,034 --> 00:18:21,435
Jennifer Ruth Toyogi.
529
00:18:21,502 --> 00:18:24,104
- I know that now more than ever.
- Now that you slept with her.
530
00:18:24,172 --> 00:18:27,141
Happy to help.
Uh-huh.
531
00:18:27,208 --> 00:18:30,843
If... if you still love me,
at all...
532
00:18:30,911 --> 00:18:32,745
Of course I still do. I...
533
00:18:34,114 --> 00:18:35,848
Oh, yeah.
534
00:18:35,916 --> 00:18:36,983
Um...
535
00:18:38,552 --> 00:18:39,718
Ooh...
536
00:18:39,786 --> 00:18:41,354
Will you... will you...
537
00:18:41,422 --> 00:18:43,489
will you, will you marry him?
538
00:18:43,557 --> 00:18:45,790
Yeah.
539
00:18:51,431 --> 00:18:53,165
- Is that a "yes"?
- Yes.
540
00:19:07,393 --> 00:19:09,623
So you and Cece are staying
away from each other.
541
00:19:09,679 --> 00:19:11,079
Only until my penis
stops looking
542
00:19:11,146 --> 00:19:12,948
like a knotted wizard's staff.
543
00:19:13,015 --> 00:19:15,215
- That sounds tough, man.
- Guys like us--
544
00:19:15,283 --> 00:19:17,918
Nick, too--
we're warriors.
545
00:19:17,986 --> 00:19:20,153
We just keep on fighting,
and holding on,
546
00:19:20,221 --> 00:19:22,590
even when we know we're
just making a big mistake.
547
00:19:22,657 --> 00:19:24,091
Like Nick and Caroline.
548
00:19:24,158 --> 00:19:26,226
- And that earring.
- I'm not giving this thing up.
549
00:19:26,294 --> 00:19:27,795
You look like you were caught
by a fly fisherman.
550
00:19:27,862 --> 00:19:29,162
Dude, I've had it with
the earring jokes.
551
00:19:29,230 --> 00:19:30,663
You look like you should be
standing in line
552
00:19:30,731 --> 00:19:32,398
to get into Shaquille O'Neal's
birthday party.
553
00:19:32,466 --> 00:19:33,499
Oh, my God, you guys.
554
00:19:33,567 --> 00:19:35,534
The most exciting thing
just happened.
555
00:19:35,603 --> 00:19:38,404
I helped Paul propose to his
girlfriend. They are engaged.
556
00:19:38,472 --> 00:19:40,039
- Awesome. - I feel like you're
leaving out part of that story.
557
00:19:40,107 --> 00:19:42,341
Where's Nick?
I want to tell him.
558
00:19:42,409 --> 00:19:43,943
This should be fun. Um...
559
00:19:44,011 --> 00:19:45,645
yeah, Nick has something
to tell you, too.
560
00:19:45,713 --> 00:19:47,679
- He's in the bathroom.
- Oh, great.
561
00:19:48,948 --> 00:19:51,182
- Really?
- She's gonna find out anyway.
562
00:19:51,250 --> 00:19:53,184
Nick! Nick!
563
00:19:53,252 --> 00:19:54,853
- Hey.
- What, Jess?
564
00:19:55,421 --> 00:19:58,924
Um, Paul proposed to his
girlfriend in front of me.
565
00:19:59,742 --> 00:20:00,959
That sounds pretty awkward.
566
00:20:01,027 --> 00:20:03,160
She said yes, and it
was... it was really...
567
00:20:03,228 --> 00:20:04,528
it was really beautiful.
568
00:20:04,596 --> 00:20:06,664
And it made me
realize something.
569
00:20:06,732 --> 00:20:09,266
You're wrong. All the stuff
you said about Caroline,
570
00:20:09,334 --> 00:20:11,568
being about timing,
571
00:20:11,637 --> 00:20:14,138
and it just making sense?
572
00:20:14,955 --> 00:20:16,040
No.
573
00:20:16,108 --> 00:20:19,743
Because if you really
love someone, it's simple.
574
00:20:20,560 --> 00:20:22,646
Okay. Well, I understand
what you're saying, but...
575
00:20:22,713 --> 00:20:24,981
You deserve something amazing.
576
00:20:25,049 --> 00:20:27,383
And... you deserve love.
577
00:20:28,451 --> 00:20:29,953
I know you don't
want to be alone,
578
00:20:30,671 --> 00:20:32,221
but I'm going to be there,
579
00:20:32,289 --> 00:20:35,924
and I'll tell that Tom Waits
voice in your head to shut up.
580
00:20:38,094 --> 00:20:40,195
We don't have to settle...
581
00:20:40,263 --> 00:20:42,297
Nick.
582
00:20:42,365 --> 00:20:44,366
You're the best.
583
00:20:46,269 --> 00:20:47,669
I'm moving in with Caroline.
584
00:20:52,239 --> 00:20:53,874
We signed a lease this morning.
585
00:20:54,609 --> 00:20:56,844
Thanks for saying
all that stuff.
586
00:21:06,104 --> 00:21:07,839
Now that I got your attention,
Future Nick,
587
00:21:07,907 --> 00:21:11,374
there's a few things
I'd like to talk to you about.
588
00:21:11,492 --> 00:21:13,160
Be nicer to your mom
when she calls.
589
00:21:13,227 --> 00:21:14,828
Stop giving yourself high fives.
590
00:21:14,896 --> 00:21:16,930
Put your head underwater,
you two-year-old.
591
00:21:16,998 --> 00:21:19,365
Be nicer to Coach,
or he's gonna take off,
592
00:21:19,733 --> 00:21:21,301
live with a bunch
of other white people.
593
00:21:21,368 --> 00:21:22,502
I no fake karate.
594
00:21:22,570 --> 00:21:24,136
I'm Nick, I'm grumpy.
595
00:21:24,204 --> 00:21:25,637
I'm going to put
my baby hood on.
596
00:21:25,706 --> 00:21:27,707
Sex is a sprint,
not a marathon.
597
00:21:27,774 --> 00:21:29,641
♪ You are special,
you are special ♪
598
00:21:29,710 --> 00:21:31,777
♪ You... ♪
599
00:21:31,845 --> 00:21:33,879
We'll see each other
in the future...
600
00:21:33,947 --> 00:21:36,148
unless I see you first.
Nick Miller!
601
00:21:36,216 --> 00:21:41,350
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