1
00:00:07,903 --> 00:00:10,923
Oh, late, late,
late, late, late.
2
00:00:10,924 --> 00:00:13,923
♪ I couldn't dance
with another ♪
3
00:00:13,924 --> 00:00:14,952
♪ No, I ♪
4
00:00:14,953 --> 00:00:16,948
♪ Couldn't ask
for another ♪
5
00:00:16,949 --> 00:00:19,877
♪ Groove is in the heart,
yeah. ♪
6
00:00:19,878 --> 00:00:20,895
Cold, cold, cold shower!
7
00:00:20,896 --> 00:00:22,957
Hey, hey, hey.
8
00:00:22,958 --> 00:00:24,945
You can't turn the sink on
when someone's in the shower.
9
00:00:24,946 --> 00:00:26,911
This is not some fancy hotel.
10
00:00:26,912 --> 00:00:28,873
Okay, I'm sorry,
I overslept.
11
00:00:28,874 --> 00:00:29,932
I'm running late for a meeting
with the vice principal.
12
00:00:29,933 --> 00:00:32,873
Please get out of here
so I can save
13
00:00:32,874 --> 00:00:34,869
a little bit
of my dignity.
14
00:00:34,870 --> 00:00:36,869
One, two, three, four.
15
00:00:36,870 --> 00:00:37,951
♪ Groove is in the heart. ♪
16
00:00:37,952 --> 00:00:39,951
I'm not gonna do it, Schmidt,
so you can just stop asking me.
17
00:00:39,952 --> 00:00:41,945
- Well, I'm gonna keep asking, so just do it.
- Look,
18
00:00:41,946 --> 00:00:43,901
I'm not doing it until
you tell me why you've had
19
00:00:43,902 --> 00:00:45,882
time to shave your chest
but not your face.
20
00:00:47,874 --> 00:00:49,877
Ugh, Jess, would you
please scratch an itch
21
00:00:49,878 --> 00:00:50,939
I have
on my undercarriage?
22
00:00:50,940 --> 00:00:52,912
I can't get the right angle
and Winston refuses.
23
00:00:52,913 --> 00:00:54,881
No, I don't have
time, Schmidt.
24
00:00:54,882 --> 00:00:55,924
Jess, please, I-I--
this is awful.
25
00:00:55,925 --> 00:00:58,881
I feel like I dropped
something in there.
26
00:00:58,882 --> 00:01:00,869
You hear that? Loose change.
27
00:01:00,870 --> 00:01:01,939
I thought
we talked
28
00:01:01,940 --> 00:01:03,966
about you not wearing your
shower diaper in the kitchen.
29
00:01:03,967 --> 00:01:06,907
Excuse me, do you think
this has been easy for me--
30
00:01:06,908 --> 00:01:09,931
to wash myself all summer long
with a penis cast on?
31
00:01:09,932 --> 00:01:11,870
Thank God this thing
comes off this afternoon.
32
00:01:11,871 --> 00:01:14,911
And by the way, I know
what you've been thinking,
33
00:01:14,912 --> 00:01:15,964
and the answer
is yes,
34
00:01:15,965 --> 00:01:17,924
I have been able
to reach completion
35
00:01:17,925 --> 00:01:20,915
with some very precise
and vigorous nipple play.
36
00:01:20,916 --> 00:01:22,869
Nipple play-- off-limits.
37
00:01:22,870 --> 00:01:23,966
Wait, Jess, please,
I-I'm begging you.
38
00:01:23,967 --> 00:01:25,886
Okay, fine.
39
00:01:25,887 --> 00:01:27,911
Just get it,
just get it in there
40
00:01:27,912 --> 00:01:29,912
- in the back.
- Stop moving like that.
41
00:01:29,915 --> 00:01:31,890
There you go.
42
00:01:36,874 --> 00:01:37,908
- What do you mean?
- This is friendship,
43
00:01:37,911 --> 00:01:40,944
Pure unadulterated
friendship.
44
00:01:40,945 --> 00:01:42,890
Oh, yeah.
45
00:01:42,891 --> 00:01:45,902
♪ Hey, girl ♪
46
00:01:45,903 --> 00:01:47,911
♪ What you doing? ♪
47
00:01:47,912 --> 00:01:50,915
♪ Hey, girl ♪
48
00:01:50,916 --> 00:01:53,886
♪ Where you going? ♪
49
00:01:53,887 --> 00:01:55,966
- ♪ Who's that girl? ♪
- ♪Who's that girl?♪
50
00:01:55,969 --> 00:01:57,898
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
51
00:01:57,899 --> 00:01:59,966
- ♪Who's that girl?♪
- ♪ It's Jess. ♪
52
00:01:59,967 --> 00:02:04,869
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
53
00:02:04,870 --> 00:02:06,936
Hi, Tanya, um,
sorry I'm late.
54
00:02:06,937 --> 00:02:08,894
Take a seat.
55
00:02:08,895 --> 00:02:09,915
Okay.
56
00:02:09,916 --> 00:02:11,873
Is everything all right?
57
00:02:11,874 --> 00:02:12,949
I'll give you
the bad news first.
58
00:02:12,950 --> 00:02:13,952
Okay.
59
00:02:13,953 --> 00:02:16,877
The bad news is, is that
cutbacks are forcing me
60
00:02:16,878 --> 00:02:18,966
to lay off ten percent
of our nontenured teachers.
61
00:02:18,967 --> 00:02:20,940
That's terrible.
62
00:02:20,941 --> 00:02:23,908
But the bad news is, is that
it seems you are one of them.
63
00:02:26,874 --> 00:02:28,878
That's not how
you deliver news.
64
00:02:30,878 --> 00:02:31,908
What are you doing?
65
00:02:31,909 --> 00:02:33,952
Trying to make this
more fun.
66
00:02:33,953 --> 00:02:36,912
- No.
- You're right.
67
00:02:36,915 --> 00:02:39,911
Tanya, I'm a really
good teacher.
68
00:02:39,912 --> 00:02:41,886
I care about my kids.
69
00:02:41,887 --> 00:02:42,928
I spent
two months
70
00:02:42,929 --> 00:02:46,881
in summer school with an
Indian student named Vaj Rejuv
71
00:02:46,882 --> 00:02:49,957
and I did not laugh
once, not once.
72
00:02:49,958 --> 00:02:52,927
I'm sorry, Jess,
but on the plus side...
73
00:02:52,928 --> 00:02:54,931
you can have
anything you want
74
00:02:54,932 --> 00:02:57,869
out of the
lost-and-found box.
75
00:02:57,870 --> 00:02:58,953
Okay.
76
00:03:02,953 --> 00:03:04,937
- Good choice.
- Thank you for the opportunity.
77
00:03:04,938 --> 00:03:06,937
Um, it's been an
honor working here.
78
00:03:07,953 --> 00:03:10,894
The dictionary
defines "teacher" as...
79
00:03:10,895 --> 00:03:12,932
Okay, you can take another one.
80
00:03:17,958 --> 00:03:19,906
No, you can't
share a bowl of cereal.
81
00:03:19,907 --> 00:03:20,937
Why not?
82
00:03:20,938 --> 00:03:22,965
The cast is off, gentlemen.
83
00:03:22,966 --> 00:03:25,928
- Great. Congratulations, man.
- Good news, man.
84
00:03:25,931 --> 00:03:28,887
- Oh! - Oh!
- Yeah, take it in.
85
00:03:28,888 --> 00:03:30,878
- Goodness, the smell, man.
- We have done nothing but love you, Schmidt.
86
00:03:30,881 --> 00:03:33,873
Soak it all in,
in all its foul glory.
87
00:03:33,874 --> 00:03:34,935
That is not just some
88
00:03:34,936 --> 00:03:36,920
disgusting, salty
bundle of gauze.
89
00:03:36,921 --> 00:03:39,931
That is a symbol of who I was
for the past two months:
90
00:03:39,932 --> 00:03:41,886
The broken-penis guy.
91
00:03:41,887 --> 00:03:43,910
But if there's anything
that majoring in marketing
92
00:03:43,911 --> 00:03:46,877
with a minor in theater studies
has taught me,
93
00:03:46,878 --> 00:03:47,949
it's that everybody has a brand.
94
00:03:47,950 --> 00:03:50,936
Nick, your brand
is gypsy alcoholic handyman.
95
00:03:50,937 --> 00:03:51,940
Winston,
96
00:03:51,941 --> 00:03:53,907
your brand is Winston.
97
00:03:54,941 --> 00:03:56,907
Nicholas, Winstoniel,
98
00:03:56,908 --> 00:03:59,923
I'm staging an event to
relaunch the Schmidt brand.
99
00:03:59,924 --> 00:04:01,908
It's going to happen
this Saturday night,
100
00:04:01,909 --> 00:04:03,952
and it is going
to be epic.
101
00:04:03,953 --> 00:04:05,868
You're having a party
to tell girls
102
00:04:05,869 --> 00:04:06,899
you're ready
to have sex again?
103
00:04:06,900 --> 00:04:10,894
Not a party;
A rebranding event.
104
00:04:10,895 --> 00:04:11,956
Please tell me
there's not a theme.
105
00:04:11,957 --> 00:04:13,943
There most certainly is
a theme-- it is a secret
106
00:04:13,944 --> 00:04:15,937
- that will be announced on the night.
- I bet it's danger.
107
00:04:15,938 --> 00:04:17,920
No, you're... you're wrong.
It's not danger.
108
00:04:17,921 --> 00:04:19,937
- It'll be announced on the night.
- I really think
109
00:04:19,940 --> 00:04:21,912
- It's going to be danger.
- I'm going to go with danger.
110
00:04:21,913 --> 00:04:23,880
Come on, man, it's not danger.
Stop guessing danger.
111
00:04:23,881 --> 00:04:24,960
Who'd you invite?
112
00:04:24,961 --> 00:04:26,918
The ladies from Lululemon,
my urologist,
113
00:04:26,919 --> 00:04:28,874
my badminton partner,
my financial planner,
114
00:04:28,875 --> 00:04:30,881
Philip Seymour Hoffman
and a guy who once wrote
115
00:04:30,882 --> 00:04:32,890
for a little show
called Crank Yankers.
116
00:04:32,891 --> 00:04:33,951
And obviously Cece.
117
00:04:33,952 --> 00:04:35,945
She hasn't spoken
to you all summer--
118
00:04:35,946 --> 00:04:37,931
since you broke
up with her.
119
00:04:37,932 --> 00:04:38,956
Yeah, I'm over it.
120
00:04:38,957 --> 00:04:40,932
It's not about her.
I hope she comes.
121
00:04:40,933 --> 00:04:42,932
Now, let's talk venue.
122
00:04:44,887 --> 00:04:46,869
Jess, oh, my God.
123
00:04:46,870 --> 00:04:47,911
Are you okay?
124
00:04:47,912 --> 00:04:49,887
How long have you
been sitting here?
125
00:04:50,958 --> 00:04:53,961
I panicked,
and I grabbed the hat.
126
00:04:53,962 --> 00:04:57,873
I should have grabbed the yo-yo
or the slap bracelet,
127
00:04:57,874 --> 00:05:00,957
and now all I have
is this stupid hat.
128
00:05:00,958 --> 00:05:03,882
- I'm sorry.
- No, you're right.
129
00:05:03,885 --> 00:05:05,916
I'm overthinking it.
The hat's fine.
130
00:05:07,887 --> 00:05:08,945
You take me home?
131
00:05:08,946 --> 00:05:10,877
Yeah, of course.
132
00:05:10,878 --> 00:05:11,922
I-I can't go
upstairs, though,
133
00:05:11,923 --> 00:05:13,882
'cause of the whole
Schmidt thing.
134
00:05:13,883 --> 00:05:15,898
It's going to be
okay, all right?
135
00:05:15,899 --> 00:05:17,914
I mean, this is the moment
before something amazing
136
00:05:17,915 --> 00:05:19,899
is going to happen
for you. I promise.
137
00:05:19,900 --> 00:05:20,928
Put these on.
138
00:05:22,958 --> 00:05:24,877
Is this making you
feel better?
139
00:05:29,870 --> 00:05:30,920
I've decided to host my
140
00:05:30,921 --> 00:05:32,941
- relaunch event at Nick's bar.
- No.
141
00:05:32,942 --> 00:05:34,935
And you, my friend,
are bartending.
142
00:05:34,936 --> 00:05:36,949
Don't make me work for you.
You can have everything else.
143
00:05:36,950 --> 00:05:38,894
Come on, man.
You're perfect.
144
00:05:38,895 --> 00:05:39,930
You bring the heat,
but you're not
145
00:05:39,931 --> 00:05:40,937
a threat in the
looks department.
146
00:05:40,938 --> 00:05:42,920
- I get that, actually.
- And only you
147
00:05:42,921 --> 00:05:43,962
Can make those fruity
drinks that used to make
148
00:05:43,963 --> 00:05:46,936
the girls lose their
minds in college.
149
00:05:46,937 --> 00:05:48,958
Fine, I'll do it,
but I'm not making those drinks.
150
00:05:48,959 --> 00:05:51,894
Oh, come on, Nick.
You have a gift.
151
00:05:51,895 --> 00:05:53,937
Why you always trying to hide
your light under a bushel?
152
00:05:53,938 --> 00:05:56,957
Because, sure, I could get
a girl topless, no bra,
153
00:05:56,958 --> 00:05:58,923
with one hollowed-out papaya,
154
00:05:58,924 --> 00:06:00,957
some crushed ice
and two fingers of rum,
155
00:06:00,958 --> 00:06:02,936
but then I grew up.
156
00:06:02,937 --> 00:06:05,936
Now I only want to make a drink
that a coal miner would want.
157
00:06:05,937 --> 00:06:08,902
Straightforward, honest.
158
00:06:08,903 --> 00:06:11,881
Something that says,
"I work in a hole."
159
00:06:11,882 --> 00:06:12,962
And I'm especially not making
those drinks for you.
160
00:06:12,963 --> 00:06:14,937
- What? Why?
- 'Cause you can't handle it.
161
00:06:14,938 --> 00:06:15,960
You drink them way too fast,
and then you get weird.
162
00:06:15,961 --> 00:06:17,943
Oh, come on. That was,
like, years ago, dude.
163
00:06:17,944 --> 00:06:19,897
I'm a changed man.
I mean, look at me.
164
00:06:19,898 --> 00:06:20,945
- I'm wearing a suit.
- A suit? Please.
165
00:06:20,946 --> 00:06:22,914
That's something they
put on Morgan Freeman
166
00:06:22,915 --> 00:06:24,943
when they let him out of
Shawshank. Look at that.
167
00:06:24,944 --> 00:06:26,872
What, did a magician
die in that thing?
168
00:06:29,887 --> 00:06:30,944
Hi.
169
00:06:30,945 --> 00:06:32,898
I got laid off.
170
00:06:32,899 --> 00:06:34,874
- What? Are you serious?
- Oh, my God.
171
00:06:34,877 --> 00:06:35,962
- What happened?
- Obama.
172
00:06:35,965 --> 00:06:38,898
It's possible
I'm still in shock.
173
00:06:38,899 --> 00:06:42,961
I'm going to go to my room
and process what just happened.
174
00:06:42,962 --> 00:06:45,932
Thank you for your attention.
175
00:06:47,903 --> 00:06:49,915
Ah, this is not good.
Now she's going to cry.
176
00:06:49,916 --> 00:06:50,930
I hate it when she cries.
177
00:06:50,931 --> 00:06:51,962
Her face gets all red and puffy.
178
00:06:51,963 --> 00:06:53,945
- Makes me sick.
- Okay, we got to
179
00:06:53,946 --> 00:06:54,958
Fix this right now, guys.
180
00:06:54,959 --> 00:06:56,944
Let's go.
We got to do something.
181
00:07:01,870 --> 00:07:03,962
- Okay. Here's how this is going to go.
- Hi.
182
00:07:03,965 --> 00:07:05,919
You will not pity me.
183
00:07:05,920 --> 00:07:08,877
No pity eyes.
Schmidt, stop looking at me
184
00:07:08,878 --> 00:07:09,932
like I'm a fat kid
riding a bike.
185
00:07:09,933 --> 00:07:12,944
It's just a job.
I'll get a new one.
186
00:07:12,945 --> 00:07:15,869
You're going to get so many
jobs, Jess. I promise.
187
00:07:15,870 --> 00:07:17,928
So I just want you to go
about your day and act normal.
188
00:07:17,929 --> 00:07:20,919
Okay?
189
00:07:20,920 --> 00:07:21,924
What's wrong
with your eyes, Nick?
190
00:07:23,941 --> 00:07:25,920
Stop blinking.
Why are you doing that?
191
00:07:25,921 --> 00:07:28,881
I just think they fired
the wrong girl, kid.
192
00:07:28,882 --> 00:07:30,882
Oh, for sure.
193
00:07:31,887 --> 00:07:32,923
Stop. Nick!
194
00:07:32,924 --> 00:07:34,886
What's up?
195
00:07:34,887 --> 00:07:35,958
- What's wrong with you?
- You wiggin'?
196
00:07:35,961 --> 00:07:37,953
- Act normal, okay?
- If that's what you want.
197
00:07:37,956 --> 00:07:40,878
- That is what I want.
- That's what you'll get.
198
00:07:40,879 --> 00:07:41,922
Where you going, Schmidt?
199
00:07:41,923 --> 00:07:42,932
Sorry. This way.
200
00:07:42,933 --> 00:07:44,887
Bye.
201
00:07:50,437 --> 00:07:51,602
Hey, hey.
202
00:07:51,603 --> 00:07:52,631
Hey.
203
00:07:52,632 --> 00:07:54,420
- How you doing, kid?
- Great.
204
00:07:54,421 --> 00:07:56,099
My boobs are loving
this unemployed thing.
205
00:07:56,150 --> 00:07:58,157
They don't have to go
to boob jail every day.
206
00:07:59,158 --> 00:08:01,136
Job hunt is on.
207
00:08:01,137 --> 00:08:05,140
This hospital Web site
says I can earn up to $700,
208
00:08:05,141 --> 00:08:08,127
and all I have to do is be
infected with dengue fever.
209
00:08:08,128 --> 00:08:10,157
Are you sure you're okay?
210
00:08:10,158 --> 00:08:11,172
For the thousandth time, yes.
211
00:08:11,173 --> 00:08:13,135
I know you've been
waiting all week
212
00:08:13,136 --> 00:08:14,195
for me to break down,
but I'm fine.
213
00:08:14,196 --> 00:08:16,169
Just be normal.
214
00:08:16,170 --> 00:08:17,212
- I'm being normal.
- You're crossing your legs.
215
00:08:17,215 --> 00:08:19,177
I always do this.
216
00:08:19,178 --> 00:08:21,176
You've never crossed your legs
in your entire life.
217
00:08:21,177 --> 00:08:23,162
I didn't even know
you were that flexible.
218
00:08:23,163 --> 00:08:25,199
- Well...
- And stop being nice to me.
219
00:08:25,202 --> 00:08:28,136
What, I'm not normally
nice to you, Jess?
220
00:08:28,137 --> 00:08:31,127
No. You're mean,
like a crazy old man.
221
00:08:31,128 --> 00:08:34,127
"I'm Nick. I hate sunshine.
222
00:08:34,128 --> 00:08:36,173
"When did gum get so fancy?
223
00:08:36,174 --> 00:08:39,173
This escalator
goes too fast."
224
00:08:39,174 --> 00:08:41,140
Be mean.
225
00:08:41,141 --> 00:08:44,119
Look sharp, you dumb-ass.
226
00:08:44,120 --> 00:08:45,216
Sorry. That... that was in
my head a little.
227
00:08:45,217 --> 00:08:48,169
Look sharp, you dumb-ass.
228
00:08:48,170 --> 00:08:50,182
- No. Tighten up!
That's terrible.
229
00:08:50,183 --> 00:08:52,151
I don't have it today.
I don't know what it is.
230
00:08:52,152 --> 00:08:53,172
Can you
believe that the zoo
231
00:08:53,173 --> 00:08:55,130
wouldn't let me borrow
their white tiger?
232
00:08:55,131 --> 00:08:56,185
I mean, the nerve.
233
00:08:56,186 --> 00:08:58,201
I'm going to be sitting
in the back of the party,
234
00:08:58,202 --> 00:09:00,164
and Philip Seymour Hoffman's
going to be like,
235
00:09:00,165 --> 00:09:02,174
"Look at that idiot who
couldn't even get a big cat."
236
00:09:02,175 --> 00:09:04,202
Schmidt, you need a tiger.
237
00:09:04,203 --> 00:09:06,173
I need a job.
238
00:09:07,174 --> 00:09:08,136
Hire me.
239
00:09:08,137 --> 00:09:09,166
- No.
- Here...
240
00:09:09,167 --> 00:09:10,212
- No, I'm not going to...
- Schmidt!
241
00:09:10,215 --> 00:09:13,120
- What are you...?
- Hire me. I am a people person.
242
00:09:13,121 --> 00:09:14,166
I'm great at parties.
243
00:09:14,167 --> 00:09:16,166
I can make any kind
of balloon animal,
244
00:09:16,167 --> 00:09:19,140
as long as it's a worm
or a snake...
245
00:09:19,141 --> 00:09:21,174
- No, Jess.
- Come on.
246
00:09:21,177 --> 00:09:24,144
Help a brother out.
247
00:09:24,145 --> 00:09:26,130
Jess, you just got
laid off, okay?
248
00:09:26,131 --> 00:09:28,162
I can't have an emotionally
vulnerable person on my crew.
249
00:09:28,163 --> 00:09:31,157
Tonight is about one man's
functioning penis.
250
00:09:31,158 --> 00:09:32,176
I wouldn't say functioning.
251
00:09:32,177 --> 00:09:33,212
I saw what you did
to the toilet seat.
252
00:09:33,213 --> 00:09:36,169
And I'm not unstable.
I just need a job.
253
00:09:36,170 --> 00:09:38,126
Okay, fine.
You know what, Jess? Fine.
254
00:09:38,127 --> 00:09:39,199
You can be my other shot girl.
255
00:09:39,200 --> 00:09:42,137
- Yes!
- A shot girl? No, you can't be a shot girl.
256
00:09:42,140 --> 00:09:43,169
Why not?
257
00:09:43,170 --> 00:09:44,189
Because you don't have
258
00:09:44,190 --> 00:09:46,170
that specific hotness
that shames men
259
00:09:46,171 --> 00:09:48,173
into spending nine dollars
on a two-dollar shot.
260
00:09:48,174 --> 00:09:50,212
- She doesn't have it.
- Are you saying I'm not hot?
261
00:09:50,215 --> 00:09:53,211
No, no, no, I'm not...
No, no, you're hot, you're hot.
262
00:09:53,212 --> 00:09:56,132
- Nick!
- I'm saying you're the nurse
263
00:09:56,135 --> 00:09:59,131
That I want to wake up to
after having my stomach pumped.
264
00:09:59,132 --> 00:10:00,180
You know what I mean?
265
00:10:00,181 --> 00:10:02,174
Its a different kind of hot--
still hot.
266
00:10:02,175 --> 00:10:04,174
I'm going to be
a great shot girl, Nick.
267
00:10:04,175 --> 00:10:06,186
I pour liquids into cups
every single day.
268
00:10:06,187 --> 00:10:09,152
Add on top of that two years
of light tap and jazz.
269
00:10:09,153 --> 00:10:11,158
Please, I feel... I feel you
overthinking this already.
270
00:10:11,159 --> 00:10:13,165
I'm going to be the best
shot girl in the world.
271
00:10:13,166 --> 00:10:14,203
- Cheers!
- Cheers.
272
00:10:14,206 --> 00:10:16,128
Getting my costume.
273
00:10:18,191 --> 00:10:20,207
Hiya, big boy.
274
00:10:20,208 --> 00:10:22,173
What's your poison?
275
00:10:22,174 --> 00:10:24,182
- Oh...
- What?
276
00:10:24,185 --> 00:10:27,161
Yeah, interesting choices.
277
00:10:27,162 --> 00:10:29,166
It's a great hat.
Can I have it?
278
00:10:31,132 --> 00:10:32,210
Let's get rid of that.
279
00:10:32,211 --> 00:10:34,208
I've decided that
tonight my name is Ivy,
280
00:10:34,209 --> 00:10:37,127
and I'm studying
to be an actress,
281
00:10:37,128 --> 00:10:39,127
and I'll sleep with you
if you give me a part
282
00:10:39,128 --> 00:10:40,674
- in a Paramount picture.
- Do you have another
283
00:10:40,675 --> 00:10:43,144
Outfit in your car, or are you
going to stick with this one?
284
00:10:43,145 --> 00:10:44,174
Hey, young man, why
weren't you drafted?
285
00:10:44,175 --> 00:10:47,174
- You like someone?
- Good stuff.
286
00:10:47,175 --> 00:10:49,153
Schmidt! Just the guy
I was looking for.
287
00:10:49,154 --> 00:10:52,128
- So the theme of the party is...
- Is danger.
288
00:10:52,129 --> 00:10:53,212
That's right, but it's
on a level that you
289
00:10:53,213 --> 00:10:56,149
- couldn't possibly understand, Nick.
- Okay.
290
00:10:56,150 --> 00:10:58,132
Just, where... where
is the other shot girl?
291
00:10:58,133 --> 00:11:00,141
- I don't know, boss.
- Here I am.
292
00:11:00,144 --> 00:11:02,194
Casey. Thank you for
joining us. Great.
293
00:11:02,195 --> 00:11:03,216
Here's where it's at.
294
00:11:03,217 --> 00:11:05,157
I don't work with amateurs.
295
00:11:05,158 --> 00:11:06,172
I don't split tips.
296
00:11:06,173 --> 00:11:08,151
Things get a little freaky
in here, I'm out the door
297
00:11:08,152 --> 00:11:10,151
because I'm a little diabetic
and I don't need a hassle.
298
00:11:10,152 --> 00:11:12,191
And also, I do accept payment
in the form of whippets
299
00:11:12,192 --> 00:11:14,131
because I've got a PhD;
300
00:11:14,132 --> 00:11:17,162
- a Pretty Heavy Drug Problem.
- Oh.
301
00:11:17,163 --> 00:11:18,166
How old are you?
302
00:11:18,167 --> 00:11:20,178
Twenty-six.
303
00:11:23,212 --> 00:11:24,770
Thank you for your honesty.
304
00:11:29,141 --> 00:11:31,152
Yeah! Who's up?
305
00:11:31,153 --> 00:11:34,127
Okay, you jerk, come here.
Stupid jerk.
306
00:11:35,209 --> 00:11:38,165
Who wants a shot of firewater?
307
00:11:38,166 --> 00:11:41,187
Anybody want me to wet
their whistle?
308
00:11:43,182 --> 00:11:44,165
Hey, Schmidt.
309
00:11:45,166 --> 00:11:47,195
It's working, Nick. Look at all
these beautiful ladies.
310
00:11:47,696 --> 00:11:49,631
And this is just
the beginning, man.
311
00:11:49,632 --> 00:11:50,703
I can take this to the next
level whenever I want.
312
00:11:50,704 --> 00:11:53,644
You know why? 'Cause I got
something up my sleeve.
313
00:11:53,645 --> 00:11:55,711
Schmidt, please,
nothing up your sleeve.
314
00:11:55,712 --> 00:11:58,637
It never works!
315
00:12:11,674 --> 00:12:15,637
Remain in your seat and finish
the exam, Mr. Schmidt.
316
00:12:17,637 --> 00:12:19,648
You know,
in Student Health Services,
317
00:12:19,649 --> 00:12:21,641
they still call that
"Schmidting the bed."
318
00:12:21,642 --> 00:12:23,619
Why are you proud
of that?
319
00:12:23,620 --> 00:12:24,635
What the hell
is this?
320
00:12:24,636 --> 00:12:25,653
Come on, Schmidt,
you know I don't
321
00:12:25,654 --> 00:12:27,699
- make girly drinks any more.
- I didn't buy that stuff.
322
00:12:27,700 --> 00:12:29,658
You didn't buy this?
Then who did?
323
00:12:32,641 --> 00:12:33,653
What's my name?
324
00:12:33,654 --> 00:12:34,707
Casey!
325
00:12:34,708 --> 00:12:36,673
You're all a bunch of jerks.
326
00:12:36,674 --> 00:12:40,652
Yes! My penis is working!
327
00:12:40,653 --> 00:12:42,653
Casey!
328
00:12:47,662 --> 00:12:49,649
- Hey. - Hey.
- Hey-hey!
329
00:12:49,652 --> 00:12:50,678
Cece.
330
00:12:51,716 --> 00:12:54,715
I had to check out the new
and improved Schmidt.
331
00:12:54,716 --> 00:12:56,712
Been hearing
so much about it, so...
332
00:12:56,713 --> 00:12:58,619
I'm really glad that you came.
333
00:12:58,620 --> 00:12:59,708
Look, I wanted
to tell you...
334
00:12:59,709 --> 00:13:02,711
I want you to meet Robby,
my, uh, my boyfriend.
335
00:13:02,712 --> 00:13:03,682
Your what?
336
00:13:04,683 --> 00:13:06,623
There he is.
337
00:13:06,624 --> 00:13:08,640
The one shaped
like a Liberty Bell?
338
00:13:08,641 --> 00:13:11,637
It's a great party.
Thank you for inviting us.
339
00:13:15,699 --> 00:13:17,699
- Flip it, man, flip it!
- I'm flipping it!
340
00:13:19,702 --> 00:13:20,652
Did you guys see
341
00:13:20,653 --> 00:13:22,645
Cece's new boyfriend,
the commoner?
342
00:13:24,641 --> 00:13:27,657
Oh, wow, Schmidty,
you really lowered Cece's bar.
343
00:13:27,658 --> 00:13:28,703
There's got to be an explanation
for this,
344
00:13:28,704 --> 00:13:30,652
like he's the Lord of Winterfell
345
00:13:30,653 --> 00:13:32,637
or he's working with
a real piece of pipe.
346
00:13:32,638 --> 00:13:35,661
Schmidt? Schmidt, don't get
hung up on that guy.
347
00:13:35,662 --> 00:13:37,673
And here comes the weirdness.
348
00:13:37,674 --> 00:13:39,716
Not weird, just a guy
who really wants a drink.
349
00:13:40,716 --> 00:13:44,673
Mm-mmm! Mmm...
350
00:13:44,674 --> 00:13:46,627
Mmm!
351
00:13:46,628 --> 00:13:47,658
It's like an explosion
of fruit!
352
00:13:47,659 --> 00:13:48,665
There it is.
353
00:13:48,666 --> 00:13:50,627
Look at me being so naughty!
354
00:13:51,687 --> 00:13:53,712
So naughty.
355
00:13:59,658 --> 00:14:01,653
- Hey.
- I'm Schmidt.
356
00:14:01,656 --> 00:14:04,698
I, too, was a sexual
partner of Cece.
357
00:14:04,699 --> 00:14:06,695
- Welcome to the party.
- Thank you for having me.
358
00:14:06,696 --> 00:14:07,708
Let me just tell you
359
00:14:07,709 --> 00:14:09,640
this is a very
impressive party.
360
00:14:09,641 --> 00:14:11,618
There's speakers everywhere.
There's one over there.
361
00:14:11,619 --> 00:14:12,680
I saw two on the back wall.
362
00:14:12,681 --> 00:14:14,716
Oh, there's one right there.
Didn't see that one before.
363
00:14:14,717 --> 00:14:17,674
- Yeah, there's a lot of speakers. Lot of...
- Lots of speakers. Yeah.
364
00:14:17,677 --> 00:14:19,619
So, so what's your deal?
365
00:14:19,620 --> 00:14:21,657
I mean, do you vacation
in Europe ever?
366
00:14:21,658 --> 00:14:22,716
No. You know, I've never left
367
00:14:22,717 --> 00:14:25,695
- California in my life.
- You in a band?
368
00:14:25,698 --> 00:14:28,698
I don't, I don't like music.
What's up with me, you know?
369
00:14:28,699 --> 00:14:31,645
- You work for Goldman then?
- For who?
370
00:14:31,648 --> 00:14:33,694
This feels good.
I'm gonna go.
371
00:14:33,695 --> 00:14:36,695
Congratulations
on your penis, man.
372
00:14:37,691 --> 00:14:39,640
What's your name?
373
00:14:39,641 --> 00:14:42,619
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, my God. Oh!
374
00:14:42,620 --> 00:14:43,632
Could I get a broom?!
375
00:14:44,645 --> 00:14:45,695
Look at my butt.
376
00:14:45,696 --> 00:14:47,716
Look at my butt, stupid jerks.
377
00:14:56,653 --> 00:14:57,690
Hey, Jess.
378
00:14:57,691 --> 00:14:59,631
Nick, I'm fine.
379
00:14:59,632 --> 00:15:01,636
I don't need you to be nice
to me right now.
380
00:15:02,637 --> 00:15:04,707
Okay. You want me to be mean?
381
00:15:04,708 --> 00:15:06,682
- Yes.
- I'll give you mean, Jess.
382
00:15:06,685 --> 00:15:09,644
This is the easiest job
in the whole world!
383
00:15:09,645 --> 00:15:11,657
The only thing
easier than this
384
00:15:11,658 --> 00:15:13,715
is passing out cigarettes
to prisoners.
385
00:15:13,716 --> 00:15:17,636
And what if I wanted to
take a body shot off you?
386
00:15:18,637 --> 00:15:22,619
Oh, yeah! I can't
because you're wearing
387
00:15:22,620 --> 00:15:24,644
a turn-of-the-century
bathing costume.
388
00:15:24,645 --> 00:15:27,619
How's this? Are you getting mad
or are you happy with this?
389
00:15:27,620 --> 00:15:28,632
It's good.
That's really good.
390
00:15:28,633 --> 00:15:30,686
So stop feeling sorry
for yourself, kid,
391
00:15:30,687 --> 00:15:34,648
and get up on that bar and
shake that piece of plywood
392
00:15:34,649 --> 00:15:36,624
- that you call an ass!
- That's too far!
393
00:15:36,627 --> 00:15:39,649
- Yeah, yeah, I agree. You got a great ass.
- That is too far!
394
00:15:39,650 --> 00:15:40,678
That is too far.
395
00:15:40,679 --> 00:15:43,641
This is so fun!
396
00:15:47,695 --> 00:15:50,640
♪ Sexy girl
all around the world ♪
397
00:15:50,641 --> 00:15:52,636
No hat. No hat!
398
00:15:52,637 --> 00:15:54,674
♪ Just shake your hips
and put that ass to work ♪
399
00:15:54,675 --> 00:15:58,669
♪ Sexy girl all around
the world ♪
400
00:15:58,670 --> 00:16:02,636
♪ Just shake your hips
and put that ass to work ♪
401
00:16:02,637 --> 00:16:06,628
- ♪ Sexy girl all around the world ♪
- Yeah!
402
00:16:06,631 --> 00:16:09,681
♪ Just shake your hips
and put that ass to work ♪
403
00:16:09,682 --> 00:16:14,619
♪ Sexy girl all around
the world ♪
404
00:16:14,620 --> 00:16:17,644
♪ Just shake your hips
and put that ass to work ♪
405
00:16:17,645 --> 00:16:19,628
You know, this Robby guy's
got nothing on me.
406
00:16:19,629 --> 00:16:20,699
- Right.
- I think I can get Cece back.
407
00:16:20,702 --> 00:16:22,623
Seriously,
just let it go.
408
00:16:22,624 --> 00:16:25,644
I just need to remind her
how amazing I am.
409
00:16:25,645 --> 00:16:28,640
Luckily, I've got something
up my sleeve.
410
00:16:28,641 --> 00:16:29,662
Schmidt, no, no!
Schmidt, don't!
411
00:16:29,663 --> 00:16:31,641
Schmidt, no sleeves, please!
412
00:16:33,628 --> 00:16:34,682
Shot girl, shot girl!
413
00:16:34,683 --> 00:16:38,640
Shot girl, shot girl,
shot girl, shot girl!
414
00:16:38,641 --> 00:16:40,681
Shot girl, shot girl, shot girl,
shot girl!
415
00:16:40,682 --> 00:16:42,681
Shot girl!
Shot girl!
416
00:16:44,678 --> 00:16:46,640
Shot girl!
417
00:16:48,624 --> 00:16:50,707
I'm a shot girl.
418
00:16:53,674 --> 00:16:55,637
Oh.
419
00:16:56,620 --> 00:16:58,674
I'm a shot girl.
420
00:17:03,624 --> 00:17:05,686
Hey, J-Jess, Jess.
421
00:17:05,687 --> 00:17:06,716
Jess, where are you going?
422
00:17:06,717 --> 00:17:09,677
What am I doing, Nick?
I'm a teacher.
423
00:17:09,678 --> 00:17:11,678
I'm not a shot girl.
424
00:17:21,645 --> 00:17:24,619
Fire...
425
00:17:24,620 --> 00:17:28,628
the most dangerous element
of all of the elements.
426
00:17:29,620 --> 00:17:30,712
Now I'm doing this.
427
00:17:30,713 --> 00:17:33,619
Okay, let's see here.
428
00:17:33,620 --> 00:17:36,619
And then now I'm doing this.
429
00:17:36,620 --> 00:17:38,665
Sure. And now I'm not sure
what I'm doing.
430
00:17:38,666 --> 00:17:41,640
I'm not actually quite sure
how to stop this.
431
00:17:41,641 --> 00:17:43,681
Um, this is definitely
real fire.
432
00:17:43,682 --> 00:17:46,623
I'm very apologetic.
I think everyone should leave.
433
00:17:46,624 --> 00:17:47,712
Um, thank you very much
for coming.
434
00:17:47,713 --> 00:17:49,661
There's party favors
at the door.
435
00:17:49,662 --> 00:17:52,619
I'd like to thank my urologist
for coming.
436
00:17:56,653 --> 00:17:58,626
Oh, wait. No, no, no,
everybody, look.
437
00:17:58,627 --> 00:17:59,716
I'm okay.
I got it under control.
438
00:17:59,717 --> 00:18:02,641
Cece, watch this one.
439
00:18:04,703 --> 00:18:06,641
Hey, look, Cece. Fire!
440
00:18:16,632 --> 00:18:18,673
Where's Robby?
441
00:18:18,674 --> 00:18:19,712
Pulling the car around.
442
00:18:19,713 --> 00:18:21,627
You really scared him.
443
00:18:22,678 --> 00:18:24,212
Why haven't you called me back
in two months, Cece?
444
00:18:24,713 --> 00:18:26,627
You are the one
who broke up with me.
445
00:18:26,628 --> 00:18:27,712
I don't see you
until you show up here tonight
446
00:18:27,713 --> 00:18:29,707
with... with a boyfriend?
447
00:18:30,208 --> 00:18:33,207
And please, please tell me
he's on some sort of medication
448
00:18:33,208 --> 00:18:35,191
that's making him
temporarily bloated.
449
00:18:35,192 --> 00:18:37,123
Come on, okay?
450
00:18:37,124 --> 00:18:38,199
You and I both know
we never would have worked.
451
00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:40,145
We are far too alike.
452
00:18:42,141 --> 00:18:44,199
Both so beautiful.
453
00:18:50,191 --> 00:18:53,128
You're gonna be fine.
You know that, right?
454
00:18:55,208 --> 00:18:58,211
Hey, uh, Cece, I...
455
00:18:58,212 --> 00:19:02,119
I got to know, why him?
456
00:19:02,120 --> 00:19:04,207
I mean, what, what is his brand?
457
00:19:04,208 --> 00:19:06,165
He's just a good guy.
458
00:19:06,166 --> 00:19:08,211
And I'm...
459
00:19:08,212 --> 00:19:10,136
too dangerous?
460
00:19:10,137 --> 00:19:12,145
Yeah, that's it.
461
00:19:14,145 --> 00:19:15,207
I'll see you around, Schmidt.
462
00:19:15,208 --> 00:19:18,128
Yeah.
463
00:19:21,145 --> 00:19:22,186
Fun fact:
464
00:19:22,187 --> 00:19:25,181
There's a reason why guys
nickname me "T-Ball."
465
00:19:25,182 --> 00:19:27,131
When they step up
to the plate,
466
00:19:27,132 --> 00:19:28,182
they never strike out.
467
00:19:28,183 --> 00:19:31,131
Honey, what happened to you
in your life
468
00:19:31,132 --> 00:19:32,172
that made you like this?
469
00:19:32,173 --> 00:19:34,143
I graduated from MIT,
and then I got
470
00:19:34,144 --> 00:19:36,216
into a horrible accident
where I lost half my brain.
471
00:19:36,217 --> 00:19:38,203
There it is.
472
00:19:58,145 --> 00:20:00,119
I came back
to say good-bye.
473
00:20:00,120 --> 00:20:01,147
I figured that.
474
00:20:03,204 --> 00:20:05,207
I was kidding myself.
475
00:20:05,708 --> 00:20:08,140
I love teaching.
476
00:20:08,141 --> 00:20:10,215
It's who I am.
477
00:20:11,216 --> 00:20:14,119
What if I
can't do anything else?
478
00:20:14,120 --> 00:20:16,119
Jess, come on.
I can't do anything,
479
00:20:16,120 --> 00:20:17,149
and look at me.
480
00:20:18,178 --> 00:20:21,140
I'm kind of fine,
you know?
481
00:20:21,141 --> 00:20:26,157
It's just that being
a teacher was all
482
00:20:26,158 --> 00:20:28,198
I ever, ever
wanted to do.
483
00:20:28,199 --> 00:20:31,207
It just,
it just sucks, you know?
484
00:20:31,208 --> 00:20:34,161
Yeah, life sucks!
485
00:20:36,128 --> 00:20:38,187
And then it gets better,
and then it sucks again.
486
00:20:38,188 --> 00:20:39,194
Yeah.
487
00:20:39,195 --> 00:20:41,119
And then,
and then it just...
488
00:20:41,120 --> 00:20:42,162
- Sucks.
- ...sucks.
489
00:20:44,199 --> 00:20:48,119
Nick.
490
00:20:48,120 --> 00:20:50,181
What?
491
00:20:50,182 --> 00:20:52,178
Will you be mean to
me one more time?
492
00:20:55,195 --> 00:20:56,698
Look sharp,
you dumb-ass!
493
00:20:56,699 --> 00:20:58,131
You look sharp!
494
00:20:58,132 --> 00:20:59,187
You're a terrible
shot girl!
495
00:21:01,120 --> 00:21:03,148
You got hoof hands
and a plywood ass, kid!
496
00:21:03,149 --> 00:21:05,215
You call that a shot girl
outfit, you dumb-ass?
497
00:21:05,216 --> 00:21:08,131
I got mixed up-- I thought
it was a cigarette girl.
498
00:21:11,132 --> 00:21:13,148
That is what happened.
499
00:21:13,149 --> 00:21:17,144
You look like
a cigarette girl.
500
00:21:17,145 --> 00:21:20,194
♪ The chills that you spill
out my back keep me fill ♪
501
00:21:20,195 --> 00:21:22,202
♪ With satisfaction
when we're done ♪
502
00:21:22,203 --> 00:21:24,187
♪ Satisfaction
of what's to come ♪
503
00:21:24,188 --> 00:21:28,202
♪ I wouldn't dance for another ♪
504
00:21:29,203 --> 00:21:32,207
♪ I wouldn't dance
for another! ♪
505
00:21:33,208 --> 00:21:37,208
♪ Groove is in the house. ♪
Danger!
506
00:21:37,708 --> 00:21:42,208
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com