1
00:00:03,803 --> 00:00:05,802
Well, it took a year,
2
00:00:05,803 --> 00:00:06,856
she's finally cooking
and cleaning.
3
00:00:06,857 --> 00:00:08,826
I knew this would pay off
eventually.
4
00:00:08,827 --> 00:00:09,828
Does everybody like egg pie?
5
00:00:09,829 --> 00:00:11,786
Jess, I believe the word that
6
00:00:11,787 --> 00:00:13,815
you're looking for is
"frittata."
7
00:00:13,816 --> 00:00:17,794
Oh, Schmidt, stop staring
at my fritta-tas!
8
00:00:17,795 --> 00:00:19,786
You gotta do
something, Nick.
9
00:00:19,787 --> 00:00:20,824
My sister's coming,
my mother's coming.
10
00:00:20,825 --> 00:00:23,802
I love being unemployed.
I love it!
11
00:00:23,803 --> 00:00:25,807
If I'd lost my job
a week ago,
12
00:00:25,808 --> 00:00:29,782
- I'd be deep in a porn hole by now.
- Five-second rule.
13
00:00:29,785 --> 00:00:32,786
The images, the things I would
have seen by now. It's...
14
00:00:32,787 --> 00:00:33,785
Jess, are you cooking
15
00:00:33,786 --> 00:00:35,866
a frittata in a saucepan?
What is this, prison?
16
00:00:35,867 --> 00:00:37,787
- Jar.
- Jar. That's a jar for sure.
17
00:00:37,790 --> 00:00:38,827
Yeah, I know.
18
00:00:38,828 --> 00:00:40,790
I already got the money ready.
19
00:00:40,791 --> 00:00:41,848
No!
20
00:00:41,849 --> 00:00:44,770
- What? Oh, no!
- Damn it!
21
00:00:44,773 --> 00:00:45,769
No!
22
00:00:45,770 --> 00:00:49,777
Jess! What is this?!
23
00:00:49,778 --> 00:00:51,362
I just finished that last night.
Isn't it great?
24
00:00:51,363 --> 00:00:52,769
Felt art?
25
00:00:52,770 --> 00:00:53,791
- Nick?
- I'm on it.
26
00:00:53,794 --> 00:00:54,811
What?
27
00:00:54,812 --> 00:00:56,801
What photograph were you working from?
My hair hasn't
28
00:00:56,802 --> 00:00:57,830
looked like that in three weeks.
29
00:00:57,831 --> 00:00:59,785
Your hair looks just
like that, Schmidt.
30
00:00:59,786 --> 00:01:00,789
Yeah, your hair looks
just like that.
31
00:01:00,790 --> 00:01:01,814
You are perfect
in that.
32
00:01:01,815 --> 00:01:02,841
This is making me furious.
33
00:01:02,842 --> 00:01:04,777
It's multi-cloth
collage.
34
00:01:04,778 --> 00:01:05,786
Insane!
35
00:01:05,787 --> 00:01:07,857
Jess, can I have
a word with you?
36
00:01:07,858 --> 00:01:09,769
Take a break!
37
00:01:09,770 --> 00:01:11,794
You're looking at this
the wrong way.
38
00:01:11,795 --> 00:01:12,864
This is the first time
39
00:01:12,865 --> 00:01:14,845
you don't have to be anywhere
or do anything.
40
00:01:14,846 --> 00:01:15,827
Right.
41
00:01:15,828 --> 00:01:17,773
You could make weird art
42
00:01:20,812 --> 00:01:23,844
You could go off the grid.
You could be an outlaw.
43
00:01:23,845 --> 00:01:26,861
I'm not really someone who goes
off the grid, Nick.
44
00:01:26,862 --> 00:01:30,823
Whoo-hoo!
I'm off the grid!
45
00:01:30,824 --> 00:01:34,827
I'm so far off the grid, that
everybody's all, "She's off the grid!"
46
00:01:34,828 --> 00:01:37,773
And then I'm all,
"I don't play by your rules."
47
00:01:37,774 --> 00:01:40,781
I can drink at 11:00... a.m.
48
00:01:40,782 --> 00:01:41,853
Yeah, that backfired
pretty quickly.
49
00:01:41,854 --> 00:01:43,773
High five.
50
00:01:43,774 --> 00:01:45,811
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
51
00:01:45,812 --> 00:01:47,832
- ♪Who's that girl?♪
- ♪ It's Jess. ♪
52
00:01:47,833 --> 00:01:51,861
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
53
00:01:52,862 --> 00:01:54,827
Look at that, look at that,
look at that.
54
00:01:55,328 --> 00:01:56,791
My mom always said
I was a late bloomer.
55
00:01:56,792 --> 00:01:58,865
Wait till she sees
this mustache! Bam!
56
00:01:58,866 --> 00:02:00,812
- That's not a shadow?
- What?
57
00:02:00,813 --> 00:02:02,841
'Cause your nose makes
a shadow right over your...
58
00:02:02,842 --> 00:02:05,777
Oh, now it is a mustache.
You look adorable.
59
00:02:05,778 --> 00:02:08,777
Winston, I need you
to be honest with me, okay?
60
00:02:08,778 --> 00:02:09,858
- Yeah.
- Does your mother not like me?
61
00:02:11,661 --> 00:02:12,557
Yes.
62
00:02:12,558 --> 00:02:14,769
She does, she does
not like me?
63
00:02:14,770 --> 00:02:16,798
Schmidt, she loves you.
64
00:02:16,799 --> 00:02:17,864
Good, good, because, you know,
65
00:02:17,865 --> 00:02:19,793
historically speaking,
I'm like, catnip
66
00:02:19,794 --> 00:02:21,358
to tough-talking
African-American women.
67
00:02:21,859 --> 00:02:23,811
It's 'cause I don't front,
know what I mean?
68
00:02:23,812 --> 00:02:24,827
Don't do that.
69
00:02:24,828 --> 00:02:25,815
A'ight.
70
00:02:26,316 --> 00:02:28,352
What is that?
71
00:02:28,353 --> 00:02:30,315
What's your name?
72
00:02:30,316 --> 00:02:32,290
I'm Nick.
73
00:02:32,291 --> 00:02:33,337
Nick's name is Nick!
74
00:02:33,338 --> 00:02:35,287
- Nick, meet Nick.
- Hi, Nick.
75
00:02:35,288 --> 00:02:36,337
You guys even look alike.
76
00:02:36,338 --> 00:02:38,323
Look at that
turtle face.
77
00:02:38,324 --> 00:02:40,287
Nick, want these kegs
behind the bar?
78
00:02:40,288 --> 00:02:41,270
- Yes.
- Yes.
79
00:02:41,273 --> 00:02:43,295
- He was talking to me.
- He was talking to you.
80
00:02:43,298 --> 00:02:45,353
Andy, I'll go get
your check, bud.
81
00:02:46,770 --> 00:02:48,773
Oh, hey, Winston, you know,
you can just have
82
00:02:48,774 --> 00:02:50,653
the hummus in there, okay?
It's giving me the toots.
83
00:02:51,854 --> 00:02:52,861
Hey, Schmidt.
84
00:02:52,862 --> 00:02:53,807
Hey, Alisha.
85
00:02:54,808 --> 00:02:55,853
You look great.
Wow.
86
00:02:55,854 --> 00:02:56,807
Thanks.
87
00:02:56,808 --> 00:02:58,812
It's like they stretched
the ugly out of Winston.
88
00:02:58,813 --> 00:02:59,811
Hmm.
89
00:02:59,812 --> 00:03:00,793
How's the hoops?
90
00:03:00,794 --> 00:03:01,837
- Good, it's good.
- Yeah?
91
00:03:01,840 --> 00:03:03,769
Very impressive, pro ball.
92
00:03:03,770 --> 00:03:06,799
I mean, women's pro,
but still. Swoosh.
93
00:03:08,341 --> 00:03:12,352
I was working in real estate,
but I got laid off, so...
94
00:03:12,353 --> 00:03:14,269
I got laid off last week!
95
00:03:14,270 --> 00:03:15,320
I don't even know
what to do with myself.
96
00:03:15,321 --> 00:03:18,348
I just told myself it was a
chance to start over.
97
00:03:18,349 --> 00:03:20,299
- Yes.
- Be someone
98
00:03:20,300 --> 00:03:21,362
That I've always wanted
99
00:03:21,363 --> 00:03:23,362
- to be, you know?
- I'm Jess.
100
00:03:23,365 --> 00:03:25,294
Hi. How are ya?
101
00:03:25,295 --> 00:03:26,348
I'm Bearclaw!
102
00:03:26,349 --> 00:03:28,352
Bearclaw helps me
with the deliveries.
103
00:03:28,353 --> 00:03:29,352
Hey.
104
00:03:29,353 --> 00:03:31,337
- Here's your check, my man.
- Thanks, man.
105
00:03:31,340 --> 00:03:35,340
Maybe I'll see you around.
I'm in the phone booth.
106
00:03:35,341 --> 00:03:38,348
Um, oh, it was nice
to meet you, Jess.
107
00:03:38,349 --> 00:03:40,366
- Nice meeting you, too.
- And, Jess, you met me.
108
00:03:40,369 --> 00:03:43,270
Nice to meet you both.
109
00:03:44,328 --> 00:03:48,340
Hey, Nick, I know what I'm gonna
do with all my free time.
110
00:03:48,341 --> 00:03:50,291
- Him.
- You like him?
111
00:03:50,294 --> 00:03:53,281
Mother, may I? Can you give him
my phone number?
112
00:03:53,282 --> 00:03:54,349
Yeah, absolutely.
113
00:03:56,312 --> 00:03:58,323
Winston, your sister
got so hot.
114
00:03:58,324 --> 00:04:00,344
I'm gonna have
to Shaq attack her.
115
00:04:00,345 --> 00:04:02,341
- Schmidt.
- May I have your blessing? 'Cause I'm gonna be,
116
00:04:02,342 --> 00:04:03,353
- Like, dribbling up the court.
- Schmidt.
117
00:04:03,356 --> 00:04:05,302
Boom. Technical foul.
118
00:04:05,303 --> 00:04:08,352
Boom. Illegal use
of the hands. Boom.
119
00:04:08,353 --> 00:04:11,320
- Hello, Schmidt.
- Charmaine.
120
00:04:12,366 --> 00:04:14,269
Charmaine!
121
00:04:14,270 --> 00:04:15,297
The loft just became
122
00:04:15,298 --> 00:04:16,324
Big Mama's House!
123
00:04:18,291 --> 00:04:21,274
- Give me a hug.
- You gonna take care of this?
124
00:04:21,275 --> 00:04:22,362
- He's dead to me.
- Okay.
125
00:04:25,358 --> 00:04:28,357
Hi. Excuse me.
Are you Katie?
126
00:04:28,358 --> 00:04:30,302
I'm Sam from Cupid Match.
127
00:04:30,303 --> 00:04:34,348
And I'm the girl from my dreams
of you.
128
00:04:34,349 --> 00:04:36,286
You are Katie, right?
129
00:04:36,287 --> 00:04:37,349
- Yeah.
- Finally.
130
00:04:37,352 --> 00:04:39,327
I am.
I'm Katie. Hi.
131
00:04:39,328 --> 00:04:42,344
Hi. So many e-mails
back and forth.
132
00:04:42,345 --> 00:04:44,331
How's the little
dog of yours?
133
00:04:44,332 --> 00:04:48,340
I had to put her-im down
on the way here.
134
00:04:48,341 --> 00:04:50,328
- Oh, my God!
- I know.
135
00:04:50,331 --> 00:04:52,336
Can I tell you
something?
136
00:04:52,337 --> 00:04:53,341
Uh, not really.
137
00:04:53,342 --> 00:04:57,331
I'm you from
the future.
138
00:04:57,332 --> 00:04:59,352
Well, that's a first.
139
00:04:59,353 --> 00:05:02,357
Nick, I traveled from
the future to find you.
140
00:05:02,358 --> 00:05:04,286
I'm a time traveler.
141
00:05:04,287 --> 00:05:05,341
Does everybody
tip badly in the future,
142
00:05:05,342 --> 00:05:07,361
or is it just you?
143
00:05:07,362 --> 00:05:09,318
You don't believe
I'm you, do you?
144
00:05:09,319 --> 00:05:10,341
Absolutely not.
145
00:05:10,342 --> 00:05:12,344
Well, I know you didn't
shower this morning.
146
00:05:12,345 --> 00:05:14,303
Well, good guess.
It's a Wednesday.
147
00:05:14,304 --> 00:05:16,323
I know a girl
broke your heart and
148
00:05:16,324 --> 00:05:17,347
you gave up on love.
149
00:05:17,348 --> 00:05:19,353
I know sometimes you get
mad and you don't know why.
150
00:05:20,354 --> 00:05:22,269
I know you're
a bartender
151
00:05:22,270 --> 00:05:24,344
because you like
three feet of bar
152
00:05:24,345 --> 00:05:27,331
between you and
everyone you meet.
153
00:05:27,332 --> 00:05:29,345
Well, I mean...
154
00:05:33,795 --> 00:05:36,324
Chew on that,
you clown.
155
00:05:38,270 --> 00:05:40,273
Wait. Hey, don't-don't say
all that weird stuff
156
00:05:40,274 --> 00:05:41,353
and then just leave!
157
00:05:41,354 --> 00:05:43,319
You were wrong
about the bar!
158
00:05:43,320 --> 00:05:45,353
But everything else was right.
159
00:05:50,295 --> 00:05:53,336
What was the band
that we...? I know...
160
00:05:53,337 --> 00:05:55,277
I'm in.
161
00:05:55,278 --> 00:05:58,336
I've been to
48 Creed shows, so...
162
00:05:58,337 --> 00:06:00,315
Forty-two.
163
00:06:00,316 --> 00:06:02,320
- No way!
- Way!
164
00:06:02,323 --> 00:06:05,345
- Are you serious?
- Wow!
165
00:06:05,348 --> 00:06:08,302
Way to go, Cupid Match.
166
00:06:08,303 --> 00:06:09,353
Yeah. Hey, hold still.
167
00:06:09,354 --> 00:06:12,344
You got a little hair...
168
00:06:13,345 --> 00:06:15,308
on your nose.
169
00:06:28,787 --> 00:06:31,323
Let's just say,
hypothetically,
170
00:06:31,324 --> 00:06:33,341
we live in a world where
time travel exists, okay?
171
00:06:33,342 --> 00:06:36,336
So if that is
the case...
172
00:06:36,337 --> 00:06:38,344
One, Marie Antoinette.
Two, Cleopatra.
173
00:06:38,345 --> 00:06:40,323
Three,
young Ann-Margret.
174
00:06:40,324 --> 00:06:42,319
Four, old Ann-Margret.
175
00:06:42,320 --> 00:06:44,341
Would you shut up, you clown?!
I'm being serious!
176
00:06:44,342 --> 00:06:47,298
I'm talking about real time
travel here, Schmidty.
177
00:06:47,299 --> 00:06:49,302
And I made an astute observation
off of that.
178
00:06:49,303 --> 00:06:50,316
I might have met
future me.
179
00:06:50,317 --> 00:06:52,273
Who knows about this?
180
00:06:52,274 --> 00:06:54,320
Nobody. You're the first
person I've told, obviously.
181
00:06:54,321 --> 00:06:55,349
- Whoa.
- If I find out how you die,
182
00:06:55,352 --> 00:06:57,269
Do you want me
to tell you?
183
00:06:57,270 --> 00:06:58,349
Don't worry. I already know.
It's one of these moles.
184
00:06:58,350 --> 00:07:01,358
- See this little S.O.B. right there?
- That's the guy?
185
00:07:01,361 --> 00:07:03,286
I've been eyeing him
for a while.
186
00:07:03,287 --> 00:07:04,343
That's one's gonna turn
green one day,
187
00:07:04,344 --> 00:07:06,306
and then
there you go.
188
00:07:06,307 --> 00:07:07,341
Schmidt's dead.
189
00:07:07,342 --> 00:07:10,323
I met me in my bar!
190
00:07:10,324 --> 00:07:13,302
Ask him when I meet Kanye.
'Cause I vision...
191
00:07:13,303 --> 00:07:14,347
I'm talking about
real time travel.
192
00:07:14,348 --> 00:07:16,343
I have visions
of me, Kanye, Beyoncé...
193
00:07:16,344 --> 00:07:17,349
I could figure out
what happened...!
194
00:07:17,350 --> 00:07:21,282
- Hey, can I talk to you guys?
- What's up, baby?
195
00:07:21,283 --> 00:07:22,308
Don't call me baby.
Seriously, stop.
196
00:07:22,309 --> 00:07:25,332
- Come on, spill. - Don't wink at me.
- What?
197
00:07:25,335 --> 00:07:28,319
Okay, look, I had the best
sex of my life last night.
198
00:07:28,320 --> 00:07:30,301
He brewed me like
a fine chamomile.
199
00:07:30,302 --> 00:07:31,341
Oh, so that was you.
200
00:07:31,342 --> 00:07:33,341
I thought that was
a couple bums fighting.
201
00:07:33,342 --> 00:07:35,341
It wasn't.. It was me having sex.
202
00:07:35,342 --> 00:07:37,324
- Mm. - I left my body, went up to heaven,
saw my grandparents,
203
00:07:37,325 --> 00:07:39,308
Thought it was weird that
I saw my grandparents,
204
00:07:39,309 --> 00:07:42,286
came back down, I became a
werewolf, I scared some teenagers.
205
00:07:42,287 --> 00:07:44,307
I came back into my body.
Only thing is,
206
00:07:44,308 --> 00:07:46,352
he thinks my name is Katie.
207
00:07:46,353 --> 00:07:48,340
And that I'm
a dancer
208
00:07:48,341 --> 00:07:50,344
and/or something
involving puppets.
209
00:07:50,345 --> 00:07:51,330
Katie?
210
00:07:51,331 --> 00:07:52,341
Hey, Sam.
211
00:07:52,342 --> 00:07:56,337
- These are my roommates.
- Hey.
212
00:07:56,338 --> 00:07:58,366
- Hey, uh, Katie, we're running late for dance rehearsal.
- Yes. Oh.
213
00:07:58,367 --> 00:08:00,353
We're wondering if we're
doing leg warmers today...
214
00:08:00,354 --> 00:08:02,332
- Leg warmers.
- Oh, we are. Leg warmers?
215
00:08:02,333 --> 00:08:03,345
You guys are dancers, too?
216
00:08:03,346 --> 00:08:05,349
- Yeah, I mean, mostly Katie,
- Yes, yes.
217
00:08:05,352 --> 00:08:07,341
- But yeah.
- What, do we not look like dancers?
218
00:08:07,344 --> 00:08:09,362
- No, I mean...
- This one's a leaper.
219
00:08:09,365 --> 00:08:11,349
- No, I knew he was gonna go there.
- You're a leaper. You are.
220
00:08:11,352 --> 00:08:13,365
Yep. He is.
They call him, uh, Cricket.
221
00:08:13,366 --> 00:08:15,337
- Yeah, Cricket the leaper.
- Let me see you leap.
222
00:08:15,340 --> 00:08:17,324
- Cricket, show him how you leap.
- I'd love to see you leap.
223
00:08:17,325 --> 00:08:19,287
Don't get self-conscious now.
You've got this.
224
00:08:19,288 --> 00:08:20,341
- You've got it.
- You're really
225
00:08:20,342 --> 00:08:22,289
getting a show here,
'cause he normally
226
00:08:22,290 --> 00:08:23,366
doesn't do this
for a private audience.
227
00:08:23,367 --> 00:08:25,332
- Do the tribal stuff.
- All right. Yeah.
228
00:08:27,282 --> 00:08:29,349
- Beautiful.
- Is he okay?
229
00:08:29,352 --> 00:08:31,286
I'm kind of hearing
some popping.
230
00:08:31,287 --> 00:08:33,298
No, no, Look at that vert.
231
00:08:33,299 --> 00:08:34,320
- Breathtaking.
- Faster. Faster.
232
00:08:34,321 --> 00:08:35,362
Grasshopper.
233
00:08:35,363 --> 00:08:37,327
And I'm done.
234
00:08:37,328 --> 00:08:38,364
All right, you know what?
I'm gonna go
235
00:08:38,365 --> 00:08:40,328
to a couple brunches,
maybe take a nap,
236
00:08:40,329 --> 00:08:42,269
rehydrate. Come here.
237
00:08:44,274 --> 00:08:45,318
This is so normal.
238
00:08:45,319 --> 00:08:46,345
This isn't upsetting at all.
239
00:08:46,346 --> 00:08:48,327
Yah!
240
00:08:48,328 --> 00:08:50,362
Oh, man.
241
00:08:50,363 --> 00:08:52,320
All right,
I'm gonna text you later.
242
00:08:52,321 --> 00:08:53,341
- Yep.
- And if you
243
00:08:53,342 --> 00:08:54,366
find my underwear just, uh...
244
00:08:54,367 --> 00:08:56,298
keep it.
245
00:08:56,299 --> 00:08:57,366
I got to go.
246
00:09:00,358 --> 00:09:03,307
Wow, Katie's an animal.
247
00:09:03,308 --> 00:09:05,316
- Katie's the best.
- Nice.
248
00:09:05,319 --> 00:09:07,336
I love being Katie.
249
00:09:07,337 --> 00:09:09,332
- Vintage Katie.
- Like an animal you are.
250
00:09:09,335 --> 00:09:12,361
Katie knows how the sausage
gets made.
251
00:09:12,362 --> 00:09:14,312
- Ew.
- Katie...
252
00:09:14,315 --> 00:09:17,323
Has a job, y'all.
253
00:09:17,324 --> 00:09:19,331
I think I should
just stay Katie.
254
00:09:19,332 --> 00:09:21,331
Maybe you should
watch a cautionary tale
255
00:09:21,332 --> 00:09:23,352
that I like to call
The Nutty Professor.
256
00:09:23,353 --> 00:09:25,307
What's Katie gonna do, Nick?
257
00:09:25,308 --> 00:09:27,323
She's got
some pretty dark needs.
258
00:09:27,324 --> 00:09:30,290
Well, I hope you don't like him,
'cause you're not coming back
259
00:09:30,291 --> 00:09:32,287
from, "Just kidding.
My name is actually Jess."
260
00:09:36,299 --> 00:09:38,308
"Hey, I got your number
from Nick. Want to hang?"
261
00:09:38,309 --> 00:09:40,282
- What's this?
- I gave your number
262
00:09:40,285 --> 00:09:43,277
To the guy that you like
from the bar. You asked me to.
263
00:09:43,278 --> 00:09:44,323
Oh, my God.
264
00:09:44,324 --> 00:09:45,357
I forgot.
265
00:09:45,358 --> 00:09:48,269
I've never had two guys
into me before.
266
00:09:48,270 --> 00:09:50,299
- What's happening?
- Jess, I'm gonna tell you what's happening.
267
00:09:50,302 --> 00:09:52,311
Okay, there comes a time
268
00:09:52,312 --> 00:09:54,315
in every person's
life when...
269
00:09:54,316 --> 00:09:56,331
for no reason whatsoever
270
00:09:56,332 --> 00:09:58,297
they are irresistible
to the opposite sex.
271
00:09:58,298 --> 00:09:59,358
For me, it was
the third night
272
00:09:59,359 --> 00:10:01,348
of Hanukkah '96,
273
00:10:01,349 --> 00:10:04,323
which I like to refer to as
The Night of the Shoshannas.
274
00:10:04,324 --> 00:10:06,324
For me, it's every time
I Jet Ski.
275
00:10:07,320 --> 00:10:08,312
This is not fair.
276
00:10:08,313 --> 00:10:10,315
It is gonna take
all of my game
277
00:10:10,316 --> 00:10:12,303
- to sleep with Winston's sister.
- What?
278
00:10:12,306 --> 00:10:13,324
- What?
- And then there's you,
279
00:10:13,327 --> 00:10:15,315
Who has this raw
animal magnetism
280
00:10:15,316 --> 00:10:17,277
just dropped in her lap
281
00:10:17,278 --> 00:10:19,319
like a sack of taters.
What a waste.
282
00:10:19,320 --> 00:10:22,366
- I'm pretty sure it is not a waste.
- Oh, it's a waste.
283
00:10:22,367 --> 00:10:24,316
Jess, look, you
don't have the skill
284
00:10:24,317 --> 00:10:25,319
to juggle men.
285
00:10:25,320 --> 00:10:26,337
You wear a cardigan
286
00:10:26,338 --> 00:10:28,302
on top of another cardigan.
287
00:10:28,303 --> 00:10:29,362
We all know you're not
the best with doorknobs.
288
00:10:29,363 --> 00:10:32,298
You can barely hold
one thing in each hand.
289
00:10:32,299 --> 00:10:34,295
You tripped the other day
just standing there.
290
00:10:34,296 --> 00:10:36,294
What's happening?
291
00:10:36,295 --> 00:10:39,331
Okay, but Katie
can juggle men.
292
00:10:39,332 --> 00:10:42,294
She's out the door
before you even know
293
00:10:42,295 --> 00:10:43,337
your wallet's gone, son.
294
00:10:43,338 --> 00:10:45,303
Ooh.
295
00:10:45,306 --> 00:10:47,323
He wants to cook for me.
296
00:10:47,324 --> 00:10:49,290
Is there a hot way of saying
297
00:10:49,291 --> 00:10:51,349
I don't feel sexy after
I've had a lot of cheese?
298
00:10:51,350 --> 00:10:53,323
I would say no.
299
00:10:53,324 --> 00:10:55,340
Didn't know
300
00:10:55,341 --> 00:10:57,308
this was a butter knife
type of place.
301
00:10:57,309 --> 00:10:59,357
Don't worry,
the team's paying.
302
00:10:59,358 --> 00:11:03,290
If anybody asks,
you're the ball boy.
303
00:11:03,291 --> 00:11:05,319
Hey, Coach, put me in.
304
00:11:05,320 --> 00:11:08,270
- Schmidt.
- Schmidt, what the hell are you doing here?
305
00:11:08,273 --> 00:11:10,277
Come on, move over.
Hey, y'all.
306
00:11:10,278 --> 00:11:11,366
Everybody scooch,
a little scoochie down.
307
00:11:11,367 --> 00:11:13,345
- Okay, teamwork. Defense.
- Really?
308
00:11:13,348 --> 00:11:15,277
A lot of money that I want
309
00:11:15,278 --> 00:11:17,315
to deposit
into your Tyra Banks.
310
00:11:17,316 --> 00:11:19,319
If he touches your sister,
311
00:11:19,320 --> 00:11:21,336
I'm gonna stop paying
your cell phone bill.
312
00:11:21,337 --> 00:11:23,323
The L.A. Sparks.
313
00:11:23,324 --> 00:11:25,269
So many Sparks in one place,
314
00:11:25,270 --> 00:11:26,324
you're about to start
the world's sexiest fire.
315
00:11:26,325 --> 00:11:28,269
Am I right?
316
00:11:28,270 --> 00:11:29,337
Andy and I have been
317
00:11:29,338 --> 00:11:31,357
sending each other some
pretty dirty texts.
318
00:11:31,358 --> 00:11:33,316
Come to the professor.
Let me see.
319
00:11:33,317 --> 00:11:35,344
He says, "Can't stop thinking"
320
00:11:35,345 --> 00:11:37,341
about what you're gonna
wear tonight."
321
00:11:37,342 --> 00:11:39,294
How do I respond?
322
00:11:39,295 --> 00:11:41,308
- With a simple...
- Mm-hmm.
323
00:11:41,309 --> 00:11:42,299
"Or not wear."
324
00:11:42,300 --> 00:11:43,341
- Okay.
- Okay?
325
00:11:43,344 --> 00:11:45,319
"Or not wear
326
00:11:45,320 --> 00:11:48,302
because sex happens naked."
327
00:11:48,303 --> 00:11:50,294
Send.
328
00:11:50,295 --> 00:11:51,358
Okay, let me help
you with that.
329
00:11:51,359 --> 00:11:53,302
"Just kidding.
330
00:11:53,303 --> 00:11:56,273
Get ready for a night
you will never forget."
331
00:11:56,274 --> 00:11:57,307
Okay?
332
00:11:57,308 --> 00:11:59,336
"Because once you see my body,
333
00:11:59,337 --> 00:12:01,312
you will go brain-dead
and have memory loss."
334
00:12:01,313 --> 00:12:02,344
Send.
335
00:12:02,345 --> 00:12:04,286
Oh, no.
336
00:12:04,287 --> 00:12:06,327
Autocorrect changed "body"
to "meat bar."
337
00:12:13,337 --> 00:12:15,294
Bearclaw, what are you...
338
00:12:15,295 --> 00:12:16,344
Yeah!
339
00:12:16,345 --> 00:12:18,348
Oh, you're so hot.
340
00:12:18,349 --> 00:12:21,323
Come here.
341
00:12:21,324 --> 00:12:24,337
I can't
wait to see your meat bar.
342
00:12:27,778 --> 00:12:30,290
That's why
they call me Bearclaw.
343
00:12:30,291 --> 00:12:32,290
You did that yourself
in middle school.
344
00:12:32,291 --> 00:12:34,295
See now it's retracting
its claws.
345
00:12:34,296 --> 00:12:36,344
Now it's contracting
its claws.
346
00:12:36,345 --> 00:12:39,365
Like, "Rrr, I'm gonna
attack you in the wild."
347
00:12:39,366 --> 00:12:41,295
Oh, my God, phone's ringing.
348
00:12:41,298 --> 00:12:42,324
- Oh.
- Got to take this.
349
00:12:42,325 --> 00:12:43,362
I'm so sorry, it...
350
00:12:43,363 --> 00:12:45,308
- No, no, no, I...
- It's very important.
351
00:12:45,309 --> 00:12:46,301
I'll just be cooking.
352
00:12:46,302 --> 00:12:47,345
I love cooking.
353
00:12:47,346 --> 00:12:50,323
It's my only outlet.
354
00:12:50,324 --> 00:12:52,281
Nick, Nick.
355
00:12:52,282 --> 00:12:54,340
You gave my number
to the wrong guy.
356
00:12:54,341 --> 00:12:57,299
- Wait, which one did you want me to give your number to?
- Andy.
357
00:12:57,302 --> 00:12:59,352
Andy is so boring.
358
00:12:59,353 --> 00:13:02,290
Bearclaw just told me a
ten minute joke about squirrels
359
00:13:02,291 --> 00:13:04,307
with the punch line,
"eat these nuts."
360
00:13:04,308 --> 00:13:06,323
Seriously, he is so awesome.
361
00:13:06,324 --> 00:13:08,301
Nick, I don't want
to hurt his feelings.
362
00:13:08,302 --> 00:13:09,353
Tell me what to do
363
00:13:09,354 --> 00:13:12,281
because you got me into
this mess; this is your fault.
364
00:13:12,282 --> 00:13:14,286
This is not my fault.
I just wanted you
365
00:13:14,287 --> 00:13:16,311
to stop cleaning
the kitchen so much, Jess.
366
00:13:16,312 --> 00:13:18,362
Oh, my God.
367
00:13:18,365 --> 00:13:20,307
Who's Katie?
368
00:13:20,308 --> 00:13:22,286
I'm Katie.
369
00:13:22,287 --> 00:13:24,341
What is happening?
370
00:13:26,303 --> 00:13:29,303
- Hey, mama bear.
- Hey.
371
00:13:29,306 --> 00:13:30,331
Yeah.
372
00:13:30,332 --> 00:13:31,362
Can I tell you some... thing?
373
00:13:31,363 --> 00:13:32,365
Me first.
374
00:13:32,366 --> 00:13:34,319
Um, when Nick...
375
00:13:34,320 --> 00:13:37,302
When Nick told me
that you wanted my number,
376
00:13:37,303 --> 00:13:38,337
I was all like...
377
00:13:40,303 --> 00:13:41,362
And then I was like,
378
00:13:41,363 --> 00:13:44,269
Nick, this might be
the best thing
379
00:13:44,270 --> 00:13:46,302
that ever happened to me.
380
00:13:46,303 --> 00:13:47,365
Now you go.
381
00:13:47,366 --> 00:13:49,319
Um...
382
00:13:49,320 --> 00:13:53,270
what I was gonna say was, um...
383
00:13:55,282 --> 00:13:57,286
You're...
384
00:13:57,287 --> 00:13:59,298
an old soul.
385
00:13:59,299 --> 00:14:00,324
Hey, I wanted...
386
00:14:00,325 --> 00:14:02,311
I wanted to tell you.
387
00:14:02,312 --> 00:14:04,307
When I, uh,
388
00:14:04,308 --> 00:14:06,273
I got your text from before,
389
00:14:06,274 --> 00:14:10,269
and I have figured out
my sex character.
390
00:14:10,270 --> 00:14:12,366
And it's
Sergeant Giddyap Carruthers.
391
00:14:16,328 --> 00:14:18,287
Hey, if we...
if we make love later,
392
00:14:18,288 --> 00:14:22,327
and I tell you to pretend
that I'm a scary ghost,
393
00:14:23,328 --> 00:14:25,311
are you gonna be
weirded out by that?
394
00:14:25,312 --> 00:14:27,344
Bearclaw, I'm sick.
395
00:14:27,345 --> 00:14:29,273
Oh.
396
00:14:29,274 --> 00:14:31,320
- In my... face.
- Oh, no, um,
397
00:14:31,323 --> 00:14:33,327
I've got an anal thermometer
in my bag.
398
00:14:33,328 --> 00:14:35,291
I'm really good
at telling myself,
399
00:14:35,292 --> 00:14:37,352
and I think that I'm...
I feel very feverish.
400
00:14:37,353 --> 00:14:39,366
- I don't think I need the thermometer.
- Oh, yeah.
401
00:14:39,369 --> 00:14:41,269
No, you do feel hot.
402
00:14:41,270 --> 00:14:42,340
Yeah.
403
00:14:42,341 --> 00:14:45,311
Now you feel even hotter.
404
00:14:45,312 --> 00:14:47,298
Alisha, have a drink with me.
405
00:14:47,299 --> 00:14:49,281
Schmidt,
406
00:14:49,282 --> 00:14:51,352
I only go out with guys
who play basketball.
407
00:14:51,353 --> 00:14:53,281
Well, let's play for it.
408
00:14:53,282 --> 00:14:54,328
I win,
you have a drink with me.
409
00:14:54,329 --> 00:14:56,281
You win,
I take you to brunch.
410
00:14:56,282 --> 00:14:57,352
Shoot me.
411
00:14:57,353 --> 00:15:00,294
Schmidt, I'm a professional
basketball player.
412
00:15:00,295 --> 00:15:03,269
Yeah, and I'm a guy who works in
marketing that wants to give it to you.
413
00:15:03,270 --> 00:15:04,356
We both have jobs;
Get over it.
414
00:15:04,357 --> 00:15:06,308
Do I ever finish writing
my zombie book?
415
00:15:06,309 --> 00:15:08,277
Z is for Zombie?
416
00:15:08,278 --> 00:15:10,290
Great title.
417
00:15:10,291 --> 00:15:12,286
Do we ever get rich and famous?
418
00:15:12,287 --> 00:15:14,294
Three words:
419
00:15:14,295 --> 00:15:17,294
Hot, air, balloon.
420
00:15:17,295 --> 00:15:19,286
Do we invent them?
421
00:15:19,287 --> 00:15:21,345
No, they've been invented.
422
00:15:22,537 --> 00:15:23,536
Jess or Katie?
423
00:15:23,537 --> 00:15:24,545
Not now, Nicks.
424
00:15:24,546 --> 00:15:27,540
Hey, tell her you're sorry.
425
00:15:27,541 --> 00:15:28,599
- What for?
- You'll find out.
426
00:15:28,602 --> 00:15:31,523
I mean, I'm sure I did
something stupid,
427
00:15:31,524 --> 00:15:32,549
but what did I do?
428
00:15:32,550 --> 00:15:34,544
You just tell her
you're sorry.
429
00:15:34,545 --> 00:15:35,539
What did I do?
430
00:15:35,540 --> 00:15:36,582
You did something stupid.
431
00:15:36,583 --> 00:15:38,519
So tell her you're sorry.
432
00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:40,531
Now I know why people
get annoyed with me.
433
00:15:40,532 --> 00:15:41,553
It's hard to talk to us.
434
00:15:46,545 --> 00:15:48,581
Hey, you know, I can't
believe she asked Nick
435
00:15:48,582 --> 00:15:50,590
for your number and then...
436
00:15:50,591 --> 00:15:52,523
Yeah, yeah, you know what, man?
437
00:15:52,524 --> 00:15:53,616
We-We're perfect together.
438
00:15:53,617 --> 00:15:56,615
It's like I finally found
my lady bear.
439
00:15:56,616 --> 00:15:58,615
See, I felt like we
had a connection, too.
440
00:15:58,616 --> 00:16:01,565
You know, I don't know if you
ever get that feeling like,
441
00:16:01,566 --> 00:16:03,582
I don't know, like maybe
I could marry this woman.
442
00:16:03,583 --> 00:16:05,540
Oh, God.
443
00:16:05,541 --> 00:16:07,608
Is there a woman in that bathroom
444
00:16:07,611 --> 00:16:09,527
being harmed?
445
00:16:09,528 --> 00:16:10,561
No.
446
00:16:10,562 --> 00:16:12,539
I don't buy it.
Get out of the way.
447
00:16:12,540 --> 00:16:13,608
I was trained for this.
448
00:16:15,566 --> 00:16:17,532
Now you're gonna get
the Bearcl...
449
00:16:17,533 --> 00:16:18,544
Jess?
450
00:16:18,545 --> 00:16:19,544
Hi, Bearclaw.
451
00:16:19,545 --> 00:16:20,566
I thought you were sick.
452
00:16:20,567 --> 00:16:22,577
I'm feeling better.
453
00:16:22,578 --> 00:16:24,552
Why are you... if you're sick,
454
00:16:24,553 --> 00:16:28,544
why are nothing
but your breasts covered, Jess?
455
00:16:28,545 --> 00:16:30,573
Are you a doctor, is that why?
456
00:16:30,574 --> 00:16:32,586
Are you a doc... is he a doctor?
457
00:16:32,587 --> 00:16:34,566
- Do you know these guys, Katie?
- Who's Katie?
458
00:16:34,569 --> 00:16:36,607
What is going on in... Jess?
459
00:16:36,608 --> 00:16:38,608
- No, Nick.
- I... Katie?
460
00:16:38,611 --> 00:16:42,528
What is happening?!
461
00:16:45,587 --> 00:16:46,615
Liar! You...
462
00:16:46,616 --> 00:16:48,536
Liar!
463
00:16:48,537 --> 00:16:50,586
I'm sorry, Bearclaw,
but I meant Nick
464
00:16:50,587 --> 00:16:52,519
to give my number to Andy.
465
00:16:52,520 --> 00:16:53,564
Silver lining, you have
a huge fan in Nick.
466
00:16:53,565 --> 00:16:55,535
She's not good enough
for you, Bearclaw.
467
00:16:55,536 --> 00:16:56,580
None of these people
are good enough for you.
468
00:16:56,581 --> 00:16:57,603
And, Sam, I'm sorry I stole you
469
00:16:57,604 --> 00:17:00,540
from real Katie,
but ugh, look at you.
470
00:17:00,541 --> 00:17:01,582
- He's so handsome.
- Very handsome.
471
00:17:01,583 --> 00:17:02,580
I'm only human.
472
00:17:02,581 --> 00:17:03,589
You know what, Bearclaw?
473
00:17:03,590 --> 00:17:04,603
I would have take you
to the bathroom,
474
00:17:04,604 --> 00:17:05,612
- big guy.
- He would've.
475
00:17:05,615 --> 00:17:07,536
You guys are terrible people.
476
00:17:07,537 --> 00:17:09,528
- I want to die.
- Hey, hold on a second.
477
00:17:09,529 --> 00:17:11,526
Everyone just calm down.
Are you really a dancer?
478
00:17:11,527 --> 00:17:12,599
- Are you an idiot, Sam?
- Yes!
479
00:17:12,602 --> 00:17:14,581
Did I tell a lie? I did.
480
00:17:14,582 --> 00:17:16,540
But in my defense,
481
00:17:16,541 --> 00:17:18,523
I'm off the grid.
482
00:17:18,524 --> 00:17:19,582
We're all off the grid.
Hey, hey,
483
00:17:19,583 --> 00:17:21,519
we are all off the grid.
484
00:17:21,520 --> 00:17:23,603
Every single one of us,
especially you, handsome.
485
00:17:23,604 --> 00:17:25,603
- I loved you!
- I think that's
486
00:17:25,606 --> 00:17:27,527
a little bit of an exaggeration.
487
00:17:27,528 --> 00:17:29,518
You're gonna tell him
how he feels after everything
488
00:17:29,519 --> 00:17:30,587
- you've just done?
- Why don't you shut up, Andy?
489
00:17:30,590 --> 00:17:32,591
- Yeah, shut up, Andy.
- What is this, recess? Come on.
490
00:17:32,594 --> 00:17:34,591
- Shut up. - Shut up.
- Shut up, Andy!
491
00:17:34,594 --> 00:17:36,566
Nick.
492
00:17:38,520 --> 00:17:39,523
It's time.
493
00:17:39,524 --> 00:17:40,611
Good-bye.
494
00:17:40,612 --> 00:17:42,540
No, no, Nick.
495
00:17:42,541 --> 00:17:43,566
Old Nick, don't go!
496
00:17:43,567 --> 00:17:45,541
Nick!
497
00:17:45,544 --> 00:17:46,577
Nick, wait.
498
00:17:46,578 --> 00:17:48,523
Please.
499
00:17:48,524 --> 00:17:50,552
There's so much more
I need to ask you.
500
00:17:50,553 --> 00:17:51,593
I got to get back.
501
00:17:51,594 --> 00:17:53,556
Why do I need
to apologize to Jess?
502
00:17:53,557 --> 00:17:54,578
What did I do wrong?
503
00:17:56,582 --> 00:17:59,519
Make her an old-fashioned.
504
00:18:09,603 --> 00:18:11,607
Beep, beep, beep.
Beep, beep, beep.
505
00:18:11,608 --> 00:18:14,540
Beep, boop,
ba, ba, ba, ba, ba.
506
00:18:14,541 --> 00:18:17,523
Beep, beep, boop, beep,
ba, ba, ba, beep.
507
00:18:17,524 --> 00:18:18,541
Beep, beep, boop, boop, boo.
508
00:18:22,566 --> 00:18:23,612
I believed you.
509
00:18:24,613 --> 00:18:26,557
Olde England.
510
00:18:26,558 --> 00:18:29,602
Have a good trip, man.
511
00:18:29,603 --> 00:18:31,587
- When I was a kid,
- Yeah.
512
00:18:31,590 --> 00:18:33,523
Watching MTV,
513
00:18:33,524 --> 00:18:35,565
I thought that if I
played my cards right,
514
00:18:35,566 --> 00:18:37,535
I could grow up to
be Jenny McCarthy.
515
00:18:37,536 --> 00:18:38,597
Jenny McCarthy? You?
516
00:18:38,598 --> 00:18:39,608
Don't make that face.
517
00:18:39,609 --> 00:18:41,581
She was so beautiful
518
00:18:41,582 --> 00:18:43,615
with all that swearing,
but you know what?
519
00:18:43,616 --> 00:18:45,561
I'm not Jenny McCarthy.
520
00:18:45,562 --> 00:18:47,519
I know that now.
521
00:18:47,520 --> 00:18:48,608
- I'm back on the grid, Nick.
- You know,
522
00:18:48,611 --> 00:18:50,557
I always wanted
to be Kurt Loder.
523
00:18:50,558 --> 00:18:52,569
Kurt Loder? He
never even went to
524
00:18:52,570 --> 00:18:55,519
the Spring Break House.
He was stuck in New York, talking to Pearl Jam.
525
00:18:55,520 --> 00:18:57,557
He is the elder statesman
of our generation.
526
00:18:57,558 --> 00:18:59,549
Why are you making me a drink?
You never bring work home.
527
00:18:59,550 --> 00:19:01,549
All right, this is gonna
sound really weird,
528
00:19:02,550 --> 00:19:04,607
but in the future I might
do something really bad to you,
529
00:19:04,608 --> 00:19:05,612
and I hope you'll forgive me.
530
00:19:07,545 --> 00:19:09,565
Do you like old-fashioneds,
Jess?
531
00:19:09,566 --> 00:19:11,569
I've actually always
wanted to try one.
532
00:19:11,570 --> 00:19:12,603
How did you know?
533
00:19:21,603 --> 00:19:22,548
What are you gonna do to me?
534
00:19:23,049 --> 00:19:23,902
I don't know.
535
00:19:24,603 --> 00:19:25,969
But it could be bad.
536
00:19:26,870 --> 00:19:29,607
Like me getting drunk
and peeing in your closet
537
00:19:29,608 --> 00:19:30,573
on all your pretty dresses.
538
00:19:33,562 --> 00:19:34,919
I forgive you.
539
00:19:37,608 --> 00:19:39,608
Imagine all that pee
on your pretty dresses, Jess.
540
00:19:40,359 --> 00:19:42,311
I still forgive you.
541
00:19:42,312 --> 00:19:44,315
Hey.
542
00:19:44,316 --> 00:19:46,277
Sam, hi.
543
00:19:46,278 --> 00:19:47,311
Katie?
544
00:19:47,312 --> 00:19:49,269
Not Katie.
545
00:19:49,270 --> 00:19:52,331
Yeah, uh, I'm sorry to come
over here unannounced.
546
00:19:52,332 --> 00:19:56,290
I didn't... I just
wanted to tell you
547
00:19:56,291 --> 00:20:00,294
that I don't... I don't
care that you lied to me.
548
00:20:00,295 --> 00:20:02,311
I lied, too. Half my
profile is a lie.
549
00:20:02,312 --> 00:20:06,273
I am not a shy food blogger
550
00:20:06,274 --> 00:20:10,273
who wants a destination
wedding in Scotland, okay?
551
00:20:10,274 --> 00:20:12,315
I don't open up the
more you get to know me.
552
00:20:12,316 --> 00:20:14,272
I mean, I, you
know, Internet date
553
00:20:14,273 --> 00:20:16,362
so I don't have to sleep
with people I work with.
554
00:20:16,363 --> 00:20:18,311
I do like Creed, though.
555
00:20:18,312 --> 00:20:19,352
I hate Creed.
556
00:20:19,353 --> 00:20:22,298
I don't care what you like
557
00:20:22,299 --> 00:20:24,298
or what your name is,
558
00:20:24,299 --> 00:20:27,307
or... anything about you.
559
00:20:27,308 --> 00:20:28,366
And the good news
is you don't have
560
00:20:28,367 --> 00:20:31,327
to care about me either.
561
00:20:31,328 --> 00:20:35,294
And we can still tear
each other apart.
562
00:20:35,295 --> 00:20:37,315
What do you think?
563
00:20:37,316 --> 00:20:39,286
You know what?
564
00:20:39,287 --> 00:20:40,343
I'm gonna say yes, I think.
565
00:20:40,344 --> 00:20:41,366
Yeah, let's do this.
566
00:20:41,367 --> 00:20:43,344
Um...
567
00:20:43,345 --> 00:20:47,352
Do we start now or later
568
00:20:47,353 --> 00:20:50,332
or now?
569
00:20:54,308 --> 00:20:56,331
Congratulations.
I see you've met the one.
570
00:20:56,332 --> 00:20:58,316
Watch out for the wall.
571
00:21:07,362 --> 00:21:09,361
♪ Yeah, that's right, this cut ♪
572
00:21:09,362 --> 00:21:11,337
♪ Goes out to all y'all
that's been ♪
573
00:21:11,338 --> 00:21:13,361
♪ Missing us for mad years,
one love, yo ♪
574
00:21:13,362 --> 00:21:15,365
♪ Yeah, that's right,
he's got game ♪
575
00:21:15,366 --> 00:21:18,327
♪ PE, 1998.
It might feel good ♪
576
00:21:18,328 --> 00:21:20,327
♪ It might sound
a little something ♪
577
00:21:20,328 --> 00:21:23,269
♪ But damn the game
if it don't mean nothing... ♪
578
00:21:23,270 --> 00:21:24,340
You ready, ma?
579
00:21:25,341 --> 00:21:28,327
'Cause I'm about
to dribble this hard
580
00:21:29,028 --> 00:21:31,336
all the way to the hole.
581
00:21:31,337 --> 00:21:32,341
Come on, Schmidty.
582
00:21:32,342 --> 00:21:35,341
All right, let's do this.
Come on, ma.
583
00:21:35,842 --> 00:21:40,341
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com