1
00:00:02,796 --> 00:00:06,174
Hey, Mr. Belvedere, there's two
guys outside with a giant box,
2
00:00:06,235 --> 00:00:08,246
and it's got "happy birthday"
written all over it.
3
00:00:08,879 --> 00:00:09,863
There it is.
4
00:00:09,946 --> 00:00:11,028
Hey, guys.
5
00:00:11,229 --> 00:00:13,265
Pay up, gentlemen.
She's sitting on the couch.
6
00:00:13,314 --> 00:00:14,098
Yeah, right, you won.
7
00:00:14,129 --> 00:00:15,248
- Let me get a four.
- Mm-hmm.
8
00:00:15,262 --> 00:00:17,246
TGIF marathon tonight.
9
00:00:17,298 --> 00:00:18,993
- What?
- I can't take this any more.
10
00:00:19,048 --> 00:00:20,280
What is happening?
11
00:00:20,317 --> 00:00:21,794
I've actually been
working on something.
12
00:00:21,852 --> 00:00:24,399
A résumé, maybe?
13
00:00:27,074 --> 00:00:29,931
Did I do that?
14
00:00:31,411 --> 00:00:33,211
I'm sorry. Did you just say
you were working on that?
15
00:00:33,245 --> 00:00:35,358
- It's Urkel!
- Urkel?
16
00:00:35,486 --> 00:00:36,771
Urkel.
17
00:00:36,796 --> 00:00:38,140
Urkel, Jess?
18
00:00:38,165 --> 00:00:39,821
- It's funny.
- Okay, look,
19
00:00:39,852 --> 00:00:42,969
It is perfectly fine
to watch TV all day.
20
00:00:42,994 --> 00:00:44,082
- No, it is not.
- No, it's not.
21
00:00:44,100 --> 00:00:45,332
- But Urkel?!
- Come on.
22
00:00:45,358 --> 00:00:47,465
Not even in my darkest
moments did I do Urkel.
23
00:00:47,483 --> 00:00:50,204
Guys, that's crazy.
This is objectively hilarious.
24
00:00:50,266 --> 00:00:53,279
- I can do any character from an '80s sitcom.
Quiz me. - No.
25
00:00:53,359 --> 00:00:57,094
Oh, Alf, don't eat the cat!
26
00:00:57,512 --> 00:01:01,742
Get out of the city,
Cousin Larry Appleton.
27
00:01:02,133 --> 00:01:04,803
- I'm Frasier Crane.
- No!
28
00:01:05,049 --> 00:01:07,837
Jess, the men in suits here,
the professionals,
29
00:01:07,856 --> 00:01:09,919
- would like to know what the plan is.
- I'm a professional, too, pal.
30
00:01:09,936 --> 00:01:11,083
You're not. Please,
you work in a bar.
31
00:01:11,110 --> 00:01:12,528
It's a whole different thing.
I respect you. Just, please.
32
00:01:12,546 --> 00:01:15,440
I don't know
what the plan is, Schmidt,
33
00:01:16,095 --> 00:01:18,534
but I love working
at the Casserole Shanty.
34
00:01:18,567 --> 00:01:20,637
Today I got a locker,
and in 18 months,
35
00:01:20,668 --> 00:01:22,975
I'm gonna roll into
some sweet dental coverage.
36
00:01:23,005 --> 00:01:25,002
So, yeah, my job
pretty much rules.
37
00:01:26,312 --> 00:01:28,425
Low on bean! Low on bean!
38
00:01:28,457 --> 00:01:31,469
I'm low on bean!
39
00:01:31,903 --> 00:01:33,609
I'm good on bean!
40
00:01:33,644 --> 00:01:35,522
Would you like to know what
I did at my job all day today?
41
00:01:35,540 --> 00:01:37,501
- Don't say "crushed it."
- I'm gonna go with "crushed it."
42
00:01:37,534 --> 00:01:39,466
Funny enough, uh, I crushed it.
43
00:01:39,511 --> 00:01:42,572
I crushed it all day today,
and then I crushed it some more.
44
00:01:42,604 --> 00:01:43,824
And then it asked me
what I was doing,
45
00:01:43,855 --> 00:01:46,030
and I told it
that I was crushing it.
46
00:01:46,104 --> 00:01:48,773
That's what I do
on a daily basis, Jess.
47
00:01:48,815 --> 00:01:50,521
You used to inspire me.
48
00:01:50,558 --> 00:01:52,290
I mean, not specifically--
49
00:01:52,346 --> 00:01:54,590
because I find teaching
to be icky-- but, you know,
50
00:01:54,615 --> 00:01:56,631
in a vague kind of
"Look at that go-getter in a...
51
00:01:56,683 --> 00:01:58,525
in a brightly colored sweater"
kind of way.
52
00:01:58,549 --> 00:02:01,563
What happened to the inspiring,
visor-less Jess?
53
00:02:01,588 --> 00:02:03,492
Hey, maybe that's her.
54
00:02:05,366 --> 00:02:08,259
Hey, we just moved in
across the hall.
55
00:02:08,303 --> 00:02:09,835
I'm Chaz.
56
00:02:09,956 --> 00:02:12,112
This is Fife,
Sutton and Brorie.
57
00:02:12,159 --> 00:02:13,680
What's up? Schmidt.
58
00:02:17,091 --> 00:02:19,131
Any-turds, just wanted
to give you a heads up
59
00:02:19,156 --> 00:02:21,160
that we're having some
people over to hang tonight
60
00:02:21,184 --> 00:02:23,645
- and it might get a little loud.
- I like where your head is at.
61
00:02:23,669 --> 00:02:25,339
We're gonna be there
with bells on.
62
00:02:25,368 --> 00:02:27,417
Dolla-dolla bells, y'all.
63
00:02:31,240 --> 00:02:33,603
Well, it's just going to be
a bunch of young people.
64
00:02:34,957 --> 00:02:35,851
So...
65
00:02:35,882 --> 00:02:37,957
Hi. I live here, too.
66
00:02:37,995 --> 00:02:39,660
What are you names?
Schmidt!
67
00:02:39,678 --> 00:02:41,976
- ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ - ♪Who's that girl?♪
Sync by Alice | www.addic7ed.com
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
68
00:02:42,007 --> 00:02:44,138
♪ It's Jess. ♪
Sync by Alice | www.addic7ed.com
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
69
00:02:44,574 --> 00:02:45,916
So, when he said,
70
00:02:45,995 --> 00:02:48,022
"It's just going to be a
bunch of young people,"
71
00:02:48,673 --> 00:02:50,192
well, he must have
meant, "You,"
72
00:02:50,223 --> 00:02:52,854
meaning me, fellow
young person,
73
00:02:52,885 --> 00:02:53,913
"You'll feel right at home.
74
00:02:53,944 --> 00:02:57,229
And you two walking
corpses, stay away."
75
00:02:57,266 --> 00:02:59,560
You're six months younger
than me, Schmidt.
76
00:02:59,589 --> 00:03:01,588
- You're a corpse for sure.
- Behold.
77
00:03:01,985 --> 00:03:05,266
This actuarial table
stops at age 99.
78
00:03:05,290 --> 00:03:07,259
But if you track my
current trajectory,
79
00:03:07,304 --> 00:03:10,161
I'm clearly gonna live till
I'm 123 years old, so...
80
00:03:10,367 --> 00:03:12,369
Hello, robot sex.
81
00:03:12,523 --> 00:03:13,386
Is this accurate?
82
00:03:13,410 --> 00:03:15,930
No, no, no, Winston,
I spend $49.95 a month
83
00:03:15,948 --> 00:03:17,961
on a subscription
to an inaccurate
84
00:03:17,987 --> 00:03:19,693
real-time actuarial service.
85
00:03:19,712 --> 00:03:21,368
Then I think I may have died
four years ago.
86
00:03:21,392 --> 00:03:23,071
Oh, yeah?
That sucks.
87
00:03:23,108 --> 00:03:28,465
"African-American male,
67 years"?
88
00:03:28,506 --> 00:03:29,355
Sounds about right.
89
00:03:29,367 --> 00:03:30,884
"Minus one year if you
frequently question
90
00:03:30,908 --> 00:03:32,334
your career choice."
Check.
91
00:03:32,358 --> 00:03:34,047
"Minus one year
if your chosen field offers
92
00:03:34,073 --> 00:03:36,001
few opportunities
for advancement."
93
00:03:36,038 --> 00:03:37,677
Check and double check.
94
00:03:37,709 --> 00:03:39,016
I like getting older.
95
00:03:39,047 --> 00:03:41,822
I feel like I'm finally aging
into my personality.
96
00:03:45,283 --> 00:03:47,861
Keep this crap out of my yard!
97
00:03:48,962 --> 00:03:51,948
And turn that nonsense down!
98
00:03:52,823 --> 00:03:55,148
They never did get
that Frisbee back.
99
00:03:55,217 --> 00:03:57,954
- I used that Frisbee as a dish.
Seriously?
100
00:03:57,997 --> 00:04:00,503
- I used it for pistachios in my room.
- Not only am I the
101
00:04:00,534 --> 00:04:03,266
youngest person in this loft,
I'm also the most successful.
102
00:04:03,290 --> 00:04:05,974
- Oh! Shut up, Schmidt.
- Are you honestly measuring yourself like a little boy?
103
00:04:05,999 --> 00:04:08,136
I'm sorry that you're not
growing any more like me.
104
00:04:08,161 --> 00:04:10,024
And apparently,
I'm gonna be growing forever.
105
00:04:10,062 --> 00:04:12,630
I'm like a Jewish Peter Pan.
Petya Pan.
106
00:04:12,680 --> 00:04:14,843
Petter Pan. Pesach Pan.
107
00:04:14,861 --> 00:04:17,043
Why don't you take it down
a notch before this old man
108
00:04:17,067 --> 00:04:18,723
takes you outside and
makes you pick a switch?
109
00:04:18,738 --> 00:04:21,556
- I'm like Snow Leopard. You guys are like DOS.
- And as your elder,
110
00:04:21,575 --> 00:04:24,156
- Can I give you a little advice, Schmidt?
Can we talk for a sec? - Sure. Yes, yes.
111
00:04:24,174 --> 00:04:27,518
- 'Cause you've kind of gotten under my skin a little bit.
- Shoot, Gran Torino.
112
00:04:34,521 --> 00:04:36,327
I'm gonna die so soon.
113
00:04:37,164 --> 00:04:39,129
Do you think that the
neighbors will want, like,
114
00:04:39,161 --> 00:04:40,521
four individual casseroles
115
00:04:40,547 --> 00:04:42,509
or, like, one large
party-size casserole?
116
00:04:42,536 --> 00:04:43,861
Yes, Jess, that's exactly
117
00:04:43,879 --> 00:04:46,666
what hip, trendy millennials
casserole.
118
00:04:46,688 --> 00:04:49,065
Now come on, guys,
just tighten up, all right?
119
00:04:49,119 --> 00:04:52,048
- Think young. What the hell is that smell?
- It's Old Spice.
120
00:04:52,076 --> 00:04:53,658
- I'm smelling Old Spice?
- Yeah, and yes,
121
00:04:53,689 --> 00:04:55,769
It has "Old" in the title,
and yes, it's all over my body.
122
00:04:55,787 --> 00:04:57,760
- Okay, well, take it off.
- I'm wearing the Spice. The Spice is cool.
123
00:04:57,779 --> 00:04:59,535
It's not even a real
spice, man. Take it off.
124
00:04:59,566 --> 00:05:00,891
The Spice is coming back!
Everybody knows it!
125
00:05:00,914 --> 00:05:02,027
The guy on the horse!
126
00:05:02,050 --> 00:05:03,313
You can wear any spice.
Don't wear Old Spice!
127
00:05:03,337 --> 00:05:04,901
Classic cologne fight.
128
00:05:06,710 --> 00:05:08,491
- Guys!
- Shh!
129
00:05:09,551 --> 00:05:10,908
Hi.
130
00:05:11,284 --> 00:05:13,347
Zander and Raj
went to Pate's thing,
131
00:05:13,417 --> 00:05:15,655
so tonight's been notched down
to a "chill hang."
132
00:05:15,702 --> 00:05:17,633
Cool.
133
00:05:17,978 --> 00:05:19,429
- I'll just put these...
- Oh.
134
00:05:19,491 --> 00:05:21,416
Thanks for having us.
135
00:05:22,382 --> 00:05:23,927
No, can't do this.
136
00:05:23,966 --> 00:05:25,916
- What is up?
- Have fun, kids.
137
00:05:26,019 --> 00:05:27,763
Party hip-hop.
What's going on, kids?
138
00:05:27,796 --> 00:05:29,002
Let's party.
139
00:05:29,369 --> 00:05:31,000
What are you guys doing,
huh? What is that?
140
00:05:31,057 --> 00:05:33,088
Is that Top Gun? Oh, look at that.
141
00:05:33,113 --> 00:05:35,264
Look at Anthony Eds,
the "Goose" man.
142
00:05:35,282 --> 00:05:37,798
Unbelievable that he dies
in a few scenes.
143
00:05:37,819 --> 00:05:38,839
Goose dies?
144
00:05:38,859 --> 00:05:40,820
Not cool, man.
145
00:05:40,921 --> 00:05:42,674
No, it's... Look, nobody
does an onscreen death
146
00:05:42,698 --> 00:05:43,955
like Anthony Eds.
147
00:05:43,980 --> 00:05:46,262
He's like the Hilary Swank
of bald men.
148
00:05:47,379 --> 00:05:48,835
He's like the
Hilary Swank of bald...
149
00:05:48,869 --> 00:05:50,283
Hold everything.
150
00:05:50,407 --> 00:05:51,952
Is that Cass Shant?
151
00:05:51,983 --> 00:05:54,314
Casserole Shanty?
That's where I work.
152
00:05:54,353 --> 00:05:56,841
Your chicken-broccoli
totally fuels my night bikes.
153
00:05:57,010 --> 00:05:58,641
I'm very happy to help.
154
00:05:58,678 --> 00:06:01,858
- Some of my friends don't appreciate it.
- No.
155
00:06:01,887 --> 00:06:03,878
You're just figuring
it out, just like us.
156
00:06:04,029 --> 00:06:05,322
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
157
00:06:05,347 --> 00:06:07,180
I am figuring it out.
158
00:06:07,308 --> 00:06:08,864
Thank you, Brorie. I am.
159
00:06:08,890 --> 00:06:11,609
I'm just figuring it out,
and that's okay.
160
00:06:11,940 --> 00:06:12,860
What do you guys do?
161
00:06:12,891 --> 00:06:14,034
- I work at home. - I'm a DJ.
- Well...
162
00:06:14,054 --> 00:06:15,322
Was I unclear
about my night bikes?
163
00:06:15,352 --> 00:06:17,848
I work for a
single-national corporation
164
00:06:17,873 --> 00:06:20,011
called Associated Strategies.
165
00:06:20,045 --> 00:06:21,031
Moo...
166
00:06:22,025 --> 00:06:23,053
- Oh, moo...
- I know. Yeah.
167
00:06:23,054 --> 00:06:25,538
Totally, Fife.
I get that.
168
00:06:25,625 --> 00:06:27,624
Moo...
169
00:06:27,651 --> 00:06:31,433
Moo...!
170
00:06:32,326 --> 00:06:33,443
Right? That's a thing, right?
171
00:06:33,471 --> 00:06:34,596
Yeah? Moo?
172
00:06:34,627 --> 00:06:36,740
Schmidt, you don't know...
173
00:06:37,830 --> 00:06:39,813
Jess.
174
00:06:40,664 --> 00:06:44,089
Did I do that?
175
00:06:48,380 --> 00:06:49,853
How did you
just come up with that?
176
00:06:49,874 --> 00:06:50,886
Where did you get that?
177
00:06:50,925 --> 00:06:51,934
It just came to me.
178
00:06:52,022 --> 00:06:53,974
Where did that come from?
179
00:06:54,007 --> 00:06:55,028
I just thought of it.
180
00:06:55,379 --> 00:06:57,179
That's how she casseroles!
181
00:06:57,213 --> 00:06:59,192
What?
182
00:07:05,880 --> 00:07:07,375
Hey, Nana, Pop-Pop.
183
00:07:07,482 --> 00:07:09,206
You missed an unreal
hang last night.
184
00:07:09,231 --> 00:07:10,981
Unreal with a capital "uh."
185
00:07:11,017 --> 00:07:11,742
Really?
186
00:07:11,773 --> 00:07:14,425
Those kids with
the found furniture
187
00:07:14,456 --> 00:07:16,458
and no TV because it's cool?
188
00:07:16,533 --> 00:07:17,944
It's a different
world over there.
189
00:07:17,993 --> 00:07:20,704
A world where it's okay to only
have a part-time job.
190
00:07:20,732 --> 00:07:23,328
A world where it's okay
that I'm still finding myself.
191
00:07:23,359 --> 00:07:26,897
A world where I have not one,
but two catchphrases.
192
00:07:28,121 --> 00:07:30,073
$500.
193
00:07:30,446 --> 00:07:31,941
How rude!
194
00:07:33,604 --> 00:07:34,887
How rude!
195
00:07:35,471 --> 00:07:36,886
Just take it!
196
00:07:36,943 --> 00:07:38,543
They think I made those up.
197
00:07:38,660 --> 00:07:41,108
There's just one tiny hitch.
198
00:07:42,557 --> 00:07:44,285
It's very awkward, and I
don't know how to say it...
199
00:07:44,304 --> 00:07:45,160
They hate Schmidt.
200
00:07:45,192 --> 00:07:47,479
So much.
How did you know?
201
00:07:47,510 --> 00:07:50,060
If I had a dollar for everybody
I couldn't hang out with
202
00:07:50,103 --> 00:07:52,201
because they hated Schmidt,
I'd be rich.
203
00:07:52,296 --> 00:07:55,578
Like, fill my gas tank
all the way up rich.
204
00:07:55,603 --> 00:07:57,360
He was all over the map.
205
00:07:57,414 --> 00:07:59,728
He spent 20 minutes
talking about aioli.
206
00:07:59,772 --> 00:08:01,193
Don't worry about it.
I'm on it.
207
00:08:01,218 --> 00:08:02,788
What do you mean, you're on it?
208
00:08:03,411 --> 00:08:05,501
You're gonna prank him,
aren't you? I-I knew it!
209
00:08:05,532 --> 00:08:06,976
I knew it!
You're gonna prank him. Hey,
210
00:08:07,062 --> 00:08:08,782
can I help you?
I'm really good with pranks?
211
00:08:08,819 --> 00:08:09,987
You may not help
with the pranks.
212
00:08:10,018 --> 00:08:11,695
Why not, man? I'm the best
with the pranks, man.
213
00:08:11,733 --> 00:08:14,596
- They call me "Prank Sinatra."
- No, you call you Prank Sinatra.
214
00:08:14,621 --> 00:08:16,580
- Oh, come... 'Cause I am.
- Winston, you're the worst
215
00:08:16,609 --> 00:08:17,675
at pranks in the whole world.
216
00:08:17,712 --> 00:08:19,194
- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are!
217
00:08:19,262 --> 00:08:21,454
You either go way too small...
218
00:08:22,580 --> 00:08:23,562
Hey.
219
00:08:23,638 --> 00:08:26,373
Let's pour a little
juice near her shoe.
220
00:08:26,713 --> 00:08:28,319
...Or you go way too big.
221
00:08:28,899 --> 00:08:32,609
Hey, let's hit her in
the throat with a ski.
222
00:08:33,127 --> 00:08:35,669
You don't have
a pranking sweet spot.
223
00:08:36,813 --> 00:08:38,275
Speaking of...
224
00:08:40,232 --> 00:08:42,044
- Are you limping?
- My hip is achy.
225
00:08:42,077 --> 00:08:44,518
I wonder if it's your shoes.
Did you try different shoes?
226
00:08:44,551 --> 00:08:46,407
I try on four different pairs of
shoes with every outfit,
227
00:08:46,425 --> 00:08:48,416
rain or shine. You know that.
228
00:08:48,677 --> 00:08:49,697
What did you do?
229
00:08:49,854 --> 00:08:51,845
Well, he could try on
100 different pairs.
230
00:08:51,877 --> 00:08:53,360
It's not going to matter.
231
00:08:53,529 --> 00:08:55,954
The left heel is an eighth
of an inch shorter
232
00:08:55,995 --> 00:08:57,011
on every single pair.
233
00:08:58,717 --> 00:09:00,480
This is so crazy, Nick.
234
00:09:00,511 --> 00:09:02,046
Oh, my God, you know
what we should do?
235
00:09:02,077 --> 00:09:03,628
We should take those shavings,
236
00:09:03,716 --> 00:09:06,710
and then sprinkle them
by his car.
237
00:09:07,205 --> 00:09:08,558
Let me just get this clear.
238
00:09:08,601 --> 00:09:10,554
- Take the little bit of dust
- Yeah, 'cause...
239
00:09:10,615 --> 00:09:14,415
- And go outside and put it near his car?
- Yes.
240
00:09:14,451 --> 00:09:15,981
- That's not a prank.
- Yes, it is.
241
00:09:16,035 --> 00:09:17,201
That's just kind of littering.
242
00:09:17,232 --> 00:09:18,832
- His whole ride to work,
- Okay, you're done.
243
00:09:18,863 --> 00:09:20,801
He'd be thinking, like, "What?"
244
00:09:20,959 --> 00:09:21,992
So we're pranking him
245
00:09:22,005 --> 00:09:24,884
so he thinks
while we're not around, "What?"
246
00:09:25,234 --> 00:09:26,409
It's too small.
247
00:09:26,453 --> 00:09:28,250
You've got to go bigger
than that.
248
00:09:28,275 --> 00:09:29,346
Well, anyway,
249
00:09:29,383 --> 00:09:31,742
- I got to fill this up with pee.
- Ew! Why?
250
00:09:31,761 --> 00:09:33,276
So I can pour it all over
Schmidt's bed
251
00:09:33,301 --> 00:09:34,722
and make him think
he's incontinent.
252
00:09:34,759 --> 00:09:35,953
That's disgusting, Nick.
253
00:09:35,981 --> 00:09:38,975
Hey, sometimes up close,
art is ugly.
254
00:09:40,401 --> 00:09:41,396
I got an idea.
255
00:09:41,422 --> 00:09:44,247
Instead of urine, we use acid.
256
00:09:44,285 --> 00:09:46,422
And put it on his face!
257
00:09:46,474 --> 00:09:48,445
All right?
258
00:09:50,817 --> 00:09:52,811
Jess, do these pants
seem long to you?
259
00:09:52,837 --> 00:09:54,992
Nick picked them up from
the dry cleaner for me today,
260
00:09:55,012 --> 00:09:57,525
and I don't know,
I swear they seem longer.
261
00:09:57,562 --> 00:09:59,044
I think your pants look fine.
262
00:09:59,080 --> 00:10:01,269
Okay, Jess, tonight,
you're obviously gonna want
263
00:10:01,312 --> 00:10:02,119
to follow my lead.
264
00:10:02,152 --> 00:10:03,810
I don't know how
to tell you this...
265
00:10:03,841 --> 00:10:07,091
Um, they hate you.
266
00:10:07,142 --> 00:10:07,998
That's crazy.
267
00:10:08,036 --> 00:10:11,340
It is crazy...
how much they hate you.
268
00:10:11,377 --> 00:10:13,001
Watch. Every time
you say something,
269
00:10:13,049 --> 00:10:15,014
they're gonna change
the subject immediately.
270
00:10:15,059 --> 00:10:16,797
That's how you tell
if people hate you.
271
00:10:16,828 --> 00:10:18,818
I'm pretty sure I know how
to crush it with the kids.
272
00:10:20,885 --> 00:10:22,000
Watch this.
273
00:10:22,023 --> 00:10:23,031
Hey, guys.
274
00:10:23,901 --> 00:10:24,948
What up, yo?
275
00:10:25,050 --> 00:10:27,076
Throw your damn hands up.
We hanging out tonight?
276
00:10:27,962 --> 00:10:29,338
Jess, I love your hair.
277
00:10:29,357 --> 00:10:30,810
- It is so good today.
- Yeah!
278
00:10:30,830 --> 00:10:32,001
Thank you!
279
00:10:32,028 --> 00:10:33,778
- Flowy. - Yes.
- Really curly.
280
00:10:33,807 --> 00:10:35,041
What do you guys think
about the length
281
00:10:35,071 --> 00:10:38,016
of my sideburns? It's new.
Daring or gauche?
282
00:10:40,204 --> 00:10:41,967
I got my plane ticket
home for Easter.
283
00:10:41,995 --> 00:10:43,267
Thank you
for reminding me, Jess.
284
00:10:43,295 --> 00:10:44,497
Yeah. No, of course.
285
00:10:44,515 --> 00:10:46,003
I've got, like, a
little calendar thing.
286
00:10:46,033 --> 00:10:47,998
You know, I've got
a great, um...
287
00:10:48,040 --> 00:10:52,403
I've got a great
plane ticket guy that you...
288
00:10:52,690 --> 00:10:54,270
We're having another
hang tonight Jess.
289
00:10:54,335 --> 00:10:56,595
Got some chokes, hula hoops,
sitar. You should come over.
290
00:10:56,620 --> 00:10:58,359
- Yeah!
- Yeah, no, like, that's the best idea.
291
00:10:58,389 --> 00:10:59,623
Totally.
292
00:11:09,726 --> 00:11:11,751
You, too, Schmidt.
293
00:11:18,016 --> 00:11:20,422
Oh, hey, I got to...
I got to take this.
294
00:11:21,790 --> 00:11:24,265
Ferguson? Is that you?
295
00:11:24,335 --> 00:11:25,802
Yeah, t-tonight?
296
00:11:25,833 --> 00:11:28,377
Well, I mean...
297
00:11:28,492 --> 00:11:29,880
I made plans with...
298
00:11:30,325 --> 00:11:31,272
Well, look,
299
00:11:31,302 --> 00:11:33,897
if that's the comptroller's
time line, then...
300
00:11:34,007 --> 00:11:36,013
that's the comptroller's
time line.
301
00:11:36,058 --> 00:11:36,995
Well, hell, yes,
302
00:11:37,048 --> 00:11:38,867
send a car!
303
00:11:39,536 --> 00:11:41,899
Jess, do you want to
hula-hoop with me
304
00:11:41,926 --> 00:11:43,136
all night-slash-forever?
305
00:11:46,411 --> 00:11:48,422
Oh, gosh.
306
00:11:49,011 --> 00:11:50,528
They hate me.
307
00:11:55,694 --> 00:11:57,920
Man, I've never seen you work
this hard at anything, ever.
308
00:11:57,957 --> 00:11:59,491
That's because I care so much.
309
00:11:59,606 --> 00:12:02,587
I set an alarm
for 5:00 a.m.
310
00:12:02,625 --> 00:12:05,106
so I could switch Schmidt's
fiber pills with placebos.
311
00:12:05,137 --> 00:12:06,348
Damn it, I want
to care about something
312
00:12:06,398 --> 00:12:08,367
as much as you care
about ruining Schmidt's life.
313
00:12:08,460 --> 00:12:10,502
And where have you
been all night, young lady?
314
00:12:10,535 --> 00:12:13,051
Jumping around to
your hippity-hop?
315
00:12:13,338 --> 00:12:16,522
Taking your drug pills
and smoking your hash stick?
316
00:12:16,636 --> 00:12:18,499
I'm actually asking-- I'm not
doing a thing right here.
317
00:12:18,533 --> 00:12:20,510
Those guys are so much fun.
318
00:12:20,786 --> 00:12:22,793
Now, if you'll excuse
me, I've been up
319
00:12:22,807 --> 00:12:27,181
for 48 hours, so I'm gonna just
sleep off an ass-ton of quinoa.
320
00:12:27,211 --> 00:12:29,634
No, there's no time for sleep!
Guys, here's what we got to do.
321
00:12:29,656 --> 00:12:31,749
We got to find the passion
that we have in life,
322
00:12:31,824 --> 00:12:33,041
and we got to hold on to it.
323
00:12:33,066 --> 00:12:34,404
- You're so right.
- Just like--
324
00:12:34,470 --> 00:12:36,416
I can't believe
I'm saying this--
325
00:12:36,499 --> 00:12:37,486
just like Nick Miller.
326
00:12:37,490 --> 00:12:38,626
Why, look at that.
327
00:12:38,657 --> 00:12:40,450
I've never been an
inspiration before.
328
00:12:40,528 --> 00:12:42,197
I don't like it.
It's too much responsibility.
329
00:12:42,225 --> 00:12:44,215
Ooh, ay-ay-ay.
330
00:12:44,510 --> 00:12:46,504
I am cons-to-the-pizzo.
331
00:12:46,535 --> 00:12:47,534
Hmm?
332
00:12:48,361 --> 00:12:49,517
Constipated.
333
00:12:49,576 --> 00:12:51,389
I'm constipated.
334
00:12:51,679 --> 00:12:53,279
Surprising.
335
00:12:53,576 --> 00:12:55,549
Here, sit down,
relax, watch some TV.
336
00:12:56,039 --> 00:12:57,543
What's the chair
doing over here?
337
00:12:57,626 --> 00:12:59,439
Just moved it.
338
00:12:59,721 --> 00:13:03,426
Oh... gosh.
339
00:13:05,931 --> 00:13:07,750
Turn it down, man!
Turn it down!
340
00:13:07,793 --> 00:13:09,471
- Turn it... What?
- It's too loud!
341
00:13:09,499 --> 00:13:12,114
Schmidt, you're blasting
the TV, you maniac!
342
00:13:12,145 --> 00:13:13,177
You can hear that?
343
00:13:13,208 --> 00:13:15,596
It's blasting, Schmidt!
Jess is trying to sleep!
344
00:13:15,626 --> 00:13:18,089
- You can hear this?
- Uh, yes.
345
00:13:18,126 --> 00:13:19,689
Well, you know what,
you were right.
346
00:13:19,775 --> 00:13:21,738
They hate me, and I
know why they hate me, too.
347
00:13:21,781 --> 00:13:24,452
It's because I'm old, and
they're the future of humanity,
348
00:13:24,594 --> 00:13:26,896
a pan-ethnic,
pan-sexual hive mind,
349
00:13:26,927 --> 00:13:28,865
and they want nothing
to do with me.
350
00:13:28,890 --> 00:13:30,364
They're not that great, Schmidt.
351
00:13:30,408 --> 00:13:31,733
Last night, Chaz and Sutton
352
00:13:31,764 --> 00:13:33,599
- got in a fight.
- A lovers' quarrel?
353
00:13:33,654 --> 00:13:35,104
Sutton and Chaz
are not a couple.
354
00:13:35,122 --> 00:13:37,560
Chaz is with Fife;
Brorie's with, uh...
355
00:13:37,810 --> 00:13:39,116
- the other broad.
- Actually,
356
00:13:39,147 --> 00:13:41,687
Brorie, Sutton and Fife
are in a triad,
357
00:13:41,711 --> 00:13:42,693
and Chaz is a floater.
358
00:13:42,716 --> 00:13:44,808
They're poly-amorous?
Damn it!
359
00:13:44,846 --> 00:13:46,959
Jess, you've got to help me
360
00:13:46,989 --> 00:13:49,535
- help them forget how old I am.
- You're not old.
361
00:13:49,566 --> 00:13:51,348
- Then how do you explain this?
- Use your legs, buddy.
362
00:13:51,385 --> 00:13:54,407
- Let me show you something.
- Gonna hurt your back.
363
00:13:57,429 --> 00:13:59,880
Look at this--
I'm freaking shrinking!
364
00:13:59,937 --> 00:14:02,273
I took a photo of the wall,
shrunk it down,
365
00:14:02,310 --> 00:14:03,888
made a copy
at an architect's office.
366
00:14:03,913 --> 00:14:05,095
From there,
it was just your basic
367
00:14:05,133 --> 00:14:07,098
spackle-and-silkscreen job.
368
00:14:07,142 --> 00:14:09,158
I don't care, but... yay.
369
00:14:09,191 --> 00:14:11,335
It's a weird life,
but it's where I'm at right now.
370
00:14:11,356 --> 00:14:12,376
Okay.
371
00:14:16,634 --> 00:14:19,575
Jess...
this is the hardest thing
372
00:14:19,601 --> 00:14:20,934
I've ever had to say.
373
00:14:21,485 --> 00:14:23,626
Please help me be cool.
374
00:14:26,382 --> 00:14:28,381
Say that one more time.
375
00:14:28,744 --> 00:14:30,918
Oh. Visor-wearing Jess,
376
00:14:31,017 --> 00:14:32,892
will you please help me be cool?
377
00:14:37,890 --> 00:14:38,789
Okay, listen up,
378
00:14:38,807 --> 00:14:40,358
I got 3.5 years to live.
379
00:14:40,398 --> 00:14:42,183
I can't be an
assistant any more.
380
00:14:42,202 --> 00:14:44,108
I don't want to die.
I want to work.
381
00:14:44,144 --> 00:14:45,456
Honestly, I want to work here.
382
00:14:45,739 --> 00:14:47,330
But I got to follow my passion,
383
00:14:47,363 --> 00:14:50,494
much like a running back
would want
384
00:14:50,863 --> 00:14:53,920
when given the ball,
and in the game of life,
385
00:14:53,953 --> 00:14:55,906
this job is the pigskin.
386
00:14:55,931 --> 00:14:57,985
And damn it,
I'm in the red zone!
387
00:14:58,890 --> 00:15:02,893
And in summation, I feel...
388
00:15:03,531 --> 00:15:06,382
very good about
what I just said.
389
00:15:06,588 --> 00:15:08,580
Hopefully, you do, too.
390
00:15:15,154 --> 00:15:18,133
Who wants to start
an arcade fire?
391
00:15:19,575 --> 00:15:20,496
Schmidt.
392
00:15:20,584 --> 00:15:22,800
- What?
- What are you doing? This is not
393
00:15:22,825 --> 00:15:24,199
the outfit we talked about.
394
00:15:24,224 --> 00:15:26,228
- What? Rock and roll.
- You way overshot it.
395
00:15:26,587 --> 00:15:28,737
Look at that.
I'm being ironic.
396
00:15:28,829 --> 00:15:30,953
That's not ironic;
That's just a bad pun.
397
00:15:30,972 --> 00:15:31,941
And what are you doing here?
398
00:15:31,960 --> 00:15:33,541
Your arms are hot,
but your neck is cold?
399
00:15:33,571 --> 00:15:35,259
Hey, look at me.
400
00:15:35,298 --> 00:15:37,010
If you guys keep a tight core,
401
00:15:37,366 --> 00:15:39,891
you can... your burpees
can look like this, too.
402
00:15:39,922 --> 00:15:42,008
When's the Olympics?
Right, guys?
403
00:15:42,033 --> 00:15:43,271
I'm gonna set a PR tonight.
404
00:15:43,293 --> 00:15:44,524
Well, you know,
he's not... he's not...
405
00:15:44,545 --> 00:15:46,544
Parkour.
406
00:15:47,173 --> 00:15:50,219
- Oh!
- Oh!
407
00:15:50,678 --> 00:15:52,354
You got beer on her, man.
408
00:15:52,415 --> 00:15:54,464
Did I do that?
409
00:15:54,621 --> 00:15:56,317
Don't worry, my mom
can throw that dress in
410
00:15:56,329 --> 00:15:58,348
with my laundry
next time she's here.
411
00:15:58,601 --> 00:16:00,503
Sorry.
Your mom does your laundry?
412
00:16:00,528 --> 00:16:02,547
Washer-dryer kind of
freaks me out, you know?
413
00:16:02,585 --> 00:16:04,604
It's just, like, eh...
414
00:16:04,630 --> 00:16:06,305
washa-washa-washa,
415
00:16:06,331 --> 00:16:08,194
- guh-guh, guh-guh, uh-guh-guh-guh.
- On the noise.
416
00:16:08,225 --> 00:16:09,388
Okay, you know what?
It's fine.
417
00:16:09,420 --> 00:16:10,682
I'll-I'll wash it myself.
418
00:16:10,895 --> 00:16:12,480
- All right.
- Thank you, though.
419
00:16:12,511 --> 00:16:14,512
She's so
iconoclastic and modern.
420
00:16:14,539 --> 00:16:16,365
And she even got
our dishwasher to work.
421
00:16:16,396 --> 00:16:17,635
- I remember.
- You know,
422
00:16:17,660 --> 00:16:20,064
I mean, I just...
it wasn't that big a deal.
423
00:16:20,095 --> 00:16:22,583
It was just... I just...
I just turned it on.
424
00:16:22,634 --> 00:16:24,654
There was a button
that said "on."
425
00:16:24,679 --> 00:16:27,179
It's weird how the dishwasher
just lives under the counter.
426
00:16:27,204 --> 00:16:29,092
How come there's
no dish-dryer?
427
00:16:29,117 --> 00:16:31,104
Or un-washer.
428
00:16:31,130 --> 00:16:34,599
Oh, my God, you guys, are
we the dish un-washers?
429
00:16:34,624 --> 00:16:36,437
Why don't we
just move to Prague?
430
00:16:36,462 --> 00:16:37,781
I need to focus on my art.
431
00:16:37,812 --> 00:16:39,531
You can totally focus
on your art in Prague.
432
00:16:39,558 --> 00:16:41,174
If we move to Prague, should I
433
00:16:41,205 --> 00:16:42,960
paint my nails black again?
434
00:16:42,998 --> 00:16:45,245
Hey, you guys, um...
435
00:16:45,394 --> 00:16:47,485
I can't hang out
with you any more.
436
00:16:47,599 --> 00:16:49,528
- Why not?
- Because...
437
00:16:49,556 --> 00:16:51,594
Our entire relationship's
built on a lie.
438
00:16:51,626 --> 00:16:52,926
Jess, what are you
talking about?
439
00:16:52,957 --> 00:16:54,969
I did not make up...
440
00:16:55,343 --> 00:16:57,574
- "Did I do that?"
- Jess, please don't...
441
00:16:57,606 --> 00:16:59,590
- I have to introduce you to a...
- Don't do it.
442
00:16:59,686 --> 00:17:02,945
Little, adorable
African-American nerd.
443
00:17:02,976 --> 00:17:04,483
Don't press the
button. Don't...
444
00:17:06,637 --> 00:17:08,287
Jess, why would
you do this to us?
445
00:17:08,308 --> 00:17:10,789
Who's "Steve Urclee"?
446
00:17:14,920 --> 00:17:16,927
Jess, what the hell was that?
447
00:17:16,960 --> 00:17:18,359
You were supposed to
teach me how to be cool.
448
00:17:18,379 --> 00:17:20,145
You did a terrible job.
Look what I'm wearing.
449
00:17:20,170 --> 00:17:22,000
You didn't listen
to anything I said!
450
00:17:22,031 --> 00:17:23,855
I told you to stop
trying so hard.
451
00:17:23,880 --> 00:17:25,751
I will never stop trying.
452
00:17:25,786 --> 00:17:27,494
I don't care if I have
to do a billion burpees.
453
00:17:27,548 --> 00:17:29,753
That is how you crush--
you never give up.
454
00:17:29,786 --> 00:17:32,413
That is the difference
between me and you, Jess.
455
00:17:34,334 --> 00:17:36,459
Is that what you think?
You think I just gave up?
456
00:17:36,487 --> 00:17:38,482
- Well...
- I was fired, Schmidt.
457
00:17:38,548 --> 00:17:40,585
Do you think I wanted
to stop teaching?
458
00:17:40,623 --> 00:17:42,542
That's why I liked hanging
out with those kids--
459
00:17:42,565 --> 00:17:44,347
'cause they weren't
judging me all the time
460
00:17:44,378 --> 00:17:46,253
for not crushing it.
461
00:17:46,278 --> 00:17:47,933
- Okay...
- Do you think that I want to work
462
00:17:47,970 --> 00:17:49,695
At the Casserole Shanty?
463
00:17:49,821 --> 00:17:52,434
Do you know what the people
I work with call it?
464
00:17:52,684 --> 00:17:54,745
The Ass-erole Shanty.
465
00:17:59,367 --> 00:18:01,233
Just don't stop teaching.
466
00:18:02,048 --> 00:18:03,787
I mean, there's
got to be something.
467
00:18:04,013 --> 00:18:06,572
- I don't know, driver's ed, CPR...
- Uh...
468
00:18:06,623 --> 00:18:08,594
A smile class.
469
00:18:08,726 --> 00:18:10,932
My life sucks so
much right now.
470
00:18:11,082 --> 00:18:13,426
But at least I'm not 23.
471
00:18:13,494 --> 00:18:15,445
At least I own a trash can.
472
00:18:15,785 --> 00:18:18,154
At least I can
legally rent a car.
473
00:18:18,226 --> 00:18:21,257
At least I don't live in
a loft with three other...
474
00:18:21,462 --> 00:18:22,504
But you live with us.
475
00:18:22,575 --> 00:18:24,789
But I live you with guys.
476
00:18:27,123 --> 00:18:28,190
Jess?
477
00:18:28,919 --> 00:18:29,894
We don't care
478
00:18:29,925 --> 00:18:31,162
if you stole your catchphrase
479
00:18:31,193 --> 00:18:33,385
from some low-budget
Web series.
480
00:18:34,045 --> 00:18:35,157
We still want to hang out.
481
00:18:39,906 --> 00:18:41,738
Don't trust
your government, kids.
482
00:18:42,356 --> 00:18:44,507
Oh, my God, it's the
old man from the stairs.
483
00:18:44,548 --> 00:18:45,599
I thought he died.
484
00:18:45,624 --> 00:18:47,449
Let's get out of here
before his robe opens.
485
00:18:47,506 --> 00:18:51,501
- He's gonna get his old on you! Get out while you can!
- Hey, hey, Charles,
486
00:18:51,612 --> 00:18:53,358
The decrepit thing
that just walked by,
487
00:18:53,377 --> 00:18:54,962
now, that is old, okay?
488
00:18:54,999 --> 00:18:56,195
And you can hate
him for being old,
489
00:18:56,220 --> 00:18:57,314
but you cannot hate me.
490
00:18:57,333 --> 00:18:58,702
We don't hate you for being old.
491
00:18:58,737 --> 00:19:02,350
We hate you 'cause you're
a viciously unbearable ass-head.
492
00:19:02,911 --> 00:19:04,331
Seriously?
493
00:19:04,581 --> 00:19:06,832
That's...
Come here, that's...
494
00:19:06,857 --> 00:19:09,245
Get off! Ass-head!
495
00:19:09,290 --> 00:19:11,809
Ass-head! Yeah!
496
00:19:11,901 --> 00:19:13,764
- I'm not gonna drink it all.
- Guys,
497
00:19:13,835 --> 00:19:15,723
I... am an ass-head.
498
00:19:15,779 --> 00:19:17,035
They don't hate me
because I'm old.
499
00:19:17,060 --> 00:19:18,620
They hate me
because of my personality.
500
00:19:18,647 --> 00:19:20,497
I can totally change
my personality.
501
00:19:20,554 --> 00:19:23,845
Congratulations, Schmidt,
that is... that's weird news.
502
00:19:24,616 --> 00:19:25,729
Ladies and gentlemen,
503
00:19:25,777 --> 00:19:28,221
you are looking
at a brand-new man.
504
00:19:28,259 --> 00:19:29,521
A man who has proved
505
00:19:29,562 --> 00:19:31,997
so capable of talking
about so little
506
00:19:32,047 --> 00:19:33,478
for so long...
507
00:19:33,657 --> 00:19:36,838
is now the producer
of his very own
508
00:19:37,130 --> 00:19:38,261
sports talk show.
509
00:19:38,276 --> 00:19:39,887
- No way!
- What?!
510
00:19:39,911 --> 00:19:41,493
That's right.
That's right.
511
00:19:41,536 --> 00:19:43,399
- Yeah, baby!
- It's halftime in America!
512
00:19:43,430 --> 00:19:44,718
Man, that's amazing!
513
00:19:44,753 --> 00:19:46,355
Thank you, thank you,
thank you.
514
00:19:46,416 --> 00:19:49,888
2:35 to 5:35 a.m.
515
00:19:50,371 --> 00:19:52,757
Boom! Prime time
for truckers!
516
00:19:54,035 --> 00:19:56,009
- That's awesome. He's got something.
- Yes.
517
00:19:56,723 --> 00:19:58,723
In other news,
I just spent three days
518
00:19:58,741 --> 00:20:00,542
trying to impress people
who don't own bed frames.
519
00:20:00,556 --> 00:20:01,797
Well, if it makes
you feel any better,
520
00:20:01,828 --> 00:20:02,835
I spent the last three days
521
00:20:02,866 --> 00:20:04,917
pouring urine on a
grown man's sheets.
522
00:20:04,942 --> 00:20:07,273
Can you imagine how much
we would get done
523
00:20:07,323 --> 00:20:08,629
if we just focused our energy
524
00:20:08,656 --> 00:20:11,055
onto something
a little bit more worthwhile?
525
00:20:11,105 --> 00:20:13,471
- Not to mention the money we would save.
- I know.
526
00:20:13,791 --> 00:20:14,869
Wait, what money?
527
00:20:15,870 --> 00:20:17,921
I mean, I've been running
the numbers on this,
528
00:20:18,029 --> 00:20:19,109
but, you know,
I think I spent...
529
00:20:19,373 --> 00:20:21,529
you know, $1,200 to $1,300.
530
00:20:21,603 --> 00:20:23,241
- What?!
- On these pranks, yeah.
531
00:20:23,281 --> 00:20:25,278
- What?!
- And I was under-budget, so...
532
00:20:25,349 --> 00:20:26,477
Under-budget?
533
00:20:26,545 --> 00:20:28,399
What, you think fake
contact lenses are free?
534
00:20:28,408 --> 00:20:29,671
- They are not, sister.
- Nick, you don't
535
00:20:29,702 --> 00:20:30,815
have that kind of money.
536
00:20:30,848 --> 00:20:31,747
I know I don't.
537
00:20:31,778 --> 00:20:33,128
Where are you gonna
get that from?
538
00:20:33,152 --> 00:20:34,867
Doesn't matter.
I had to prank Schmidt.
539
00:20:34,947 --> 00:20:36,241
And I did.
540
00:20:37,765 --> 00:20:39,764
Holy crap.
541
00:20:40,097 --> 00:20:42,151
- I need a real job.
- Yeah, you do.
542
00:20:43,627 --> 00:20:45,472
Don't you ever prank me!
543
00:20:45,820 --> 00:20:47,481
Of course. You got it.
544
00:20:47,571 --> 00:20:50,196
You'll never see it coming.
545
00:20:50,501 --> 00:20:52,151
This is like
the end of a horror movie.
546
00:20:52,231 --> 00:20:53,579
Or the beginning
of a pranking movie.
547
00:20:53,628 --> 00:20:54,925
There are no pranking movies.
548
00:20:54,980 --> 00:20:57,502
Yet. Get out of here.
549
00:20:57,999 --> 00:21:00,999
You'll never see it coming.
550
00:21:03,620 --> 00:21:05,351
This prescription is blurry.
551
00:21:05,461 --> 00:21:06,906
Hi, Schmidt.
552
00:21:07,070 --> 00:21:09,051
Is that you in tailored,
grown-up clothing?
553
00:21:09,069 --> 00:21:11,141
Yeah. Mama's gonna
ride this blazer
554
00:21:11,172 --> 00:21:13,472
- all the way to a tutoring job.
- Thank goodness.
555
00:21:13,506 --> 00:21:15,162
I almost thought I was gonna
have to loan you money.
556
00:21:15,187 --> 00:21:18,293
Well, I said tutoring job,
not venture capitalist.
557
00:21:18,309 --> 00:21:20,334
- Proud of you nonetheless.
- Thanks.
558
00:21:25,120 --> 00:21:26,214
What the hell?
559
00:21:26,298 --> 00:21:29,659
Okay. All right, Nick,
very funny.
560
00:21:29,855 --> 00:21:31,467
Quite the prankster you are.
561
00:21:31,511 --> 00:21:32,497
Ha!
562
00:21:32,767 --> 00:21:34,648
I'm gonna hit your ass
with a ski!
563
00:21:34,707 --> 00:21:36,781
- Winston?
- Get some.
564
00:21:37,538 --> 00:21:43,538
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www.addic7ed.com
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