1
00:00:02,564 --> 00:00:04,039
Nick, where do you even
buy sheets like this?
2
00:00:04,064 --> 00:00:05,524
They're the thread count
of a paper towel.
3
00:00:05,549 --> 00:00:06,724
Okay, I don't know what to do.
4
00:00:06,742 --> 00:00:07,781
I thought these
sheets were good.
5
00:00:07,783 --> 00:00:08,780
You said these
sheets were fine.
6
00:00:08,817 --> 00:00:10,043
They're fine. Relax.
7
00:00:10,095 --> 00:00:10,978
He's freaking out.
8
00:00:11,009 --> 00:00:12,408
You know,
Amelia's coming in town...
9
00:00:12,427 --> 00:00:13,839
Which one of your depressing
10
00:00:13,872 --> 00:00:15,730
ex-girlfriends is Amelia?
11
00:00:15,811 --> 00:00:16,851
Freshman year.
12
00:00:16,991 --> 00:00:18,524
♪ You stopped in my room ♪
13
00:00:18,561 --> 00:00:20,592
♪ For no reason ♪
14
00:00:21,249 --> 00:00:24,074
♪ I was pretty cool
to say "Come in" ♪
15
00:00:25,190 --> 00:00:27,455
♪ You're sitting on my bed ♪
16
00:00:27,480 --> 00:00:29,491
♪ I feel like there's vibing ♪
17
00:00:29,517 --> 00:00:31,001
♪ What do I do? ♪
18
00:00:31,042 --> 00:00:33,303
♪ The sexual tension
is crazy. ♪
19
00:00:33,384 --> 00:00:34,885
I never told her how I felt.
20
00:00:34,918 --> 00:00:36,363
And she's here for a
couple days on work.
21
00:00:36,391 --> 00:00:37,483
This is my chance.
22
00:00:37,603 --> 00:00:38,835
I even got a new shirt.
23
00:00:40,495 --> 00:00:42,171
That's a cool shirt;
I like that shirt.
24
00:00:42,208 --> 00:00:43,502
Yeah, look cool, man.
25
00:00:44,287 --> 00:00:45,856
You making fun of
my shirt, Schmidt?
26
00:00:45,899 --> 00:00:47,200
Oh, my God!
27
00:00:47,422 --> 00:00:49,715
Jess, please stop
working at the haunted house.
28
00:00:49,746 --> 00:00:50,853
It's just through the weekend.
29
00:00:50,877 --> 00:00:52,142
You all get free tickets,
you know.
30
00:00:52,154 --> 00:00:53,192
Oh, no, I'm not going.
31
00:00:53,225 --> 00:00:54,090
I don't do haunted houses.
32
00:00:54,128 --> 00:00:55,603
- What? You scared?
- Uh, well,
33
00:00:55,634 --> 00:00:58,066
Little kids are scared.
I just don't like it.
34
00:00:58,089 --> 00:00:59,882
I got it. You look like
a zombie Woody Allen.
35
00:00:59,901 --> 00:01:01,701
- Yeah.
- These brains are terrible.
36
00:01:01,738 --> 00:01:03,415
And such-such small portions.
37
00:01:03,438 --> 00:01:05,040
On Christmas, I like to eat
38
00:01:05,071 --> 00:01:06,409
Chinese people's brains.
39
00:01:06,441 --> 00:01:08,413
They're the only ones
that are open.
40
00:01:08,439 --> 00:01:11,833
Zombie Cristina Barcelona.
41
00:01:11,881 --> 00:01:13,119
Yeah, I have nothing
to add to this.
42
00:01:13,167 --> 00:01:14,772
I'm gonna be home
late tonight, you guys.
43
00:01:14,809 --> 00:01:17,385
Uh, so don't wait up, 'cause
I'm going over to Sam's house
44
00:01:17,408 --> 00:01:19,380
to mix his batter.
45
00:01:19,455 --> 00:01:20,625
Oh, yeah.
46
00:01:20,656 --> 00:01:22,163
Not in that costume.
47
00:01:22,195 --> 00:01:23,875
I don't know.
Costume kind of works for me.
48
00:01:23,906 --> 00:01:26,688
Kind of a sexy,
undead driver's ed teacher.
49
00:01:26,719 --> 00:01:27,557
It's my sweet spot.
50
00:01:27,581 --> 00:01:29,248
Sam doesn't care
what I look like.
51
00:01:29,254 --> 00:01:30,467
'Cause I'm not his girlfriend.
52
00:01:30,500 --> 00:01:31,906
And I'm gonna
kick him to the curb
53
00:01:31,943 --> 00:01:34,662
once I've used his body
like a moisturizer sample.
54
00:01:34,736 --> 00:01:35,676
Hey-yo!
55
00:01:35,706 --> 00:01:39,069
I couldn't
afford my therapist, so I ate his brains.
56
00:01:39,434 --> 00:01:41,003
Marx brothers.
57
00:01:41,022 --> 00:01:42,297
Hear, hear.
58
00:01:42,650 --> 00:01:43,878
- That's the one.
- Good stuff.
59
00:01:44,363 --> 00:01:45,771
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
60
00:01:45,836 --> 00:01:47,792
- ♪Who's that girl?♪
- ♪ It's Jess. ♪
61
00:01:47,942 --> 00:01:52,506
Sync by Alice | www.addic7ed.com
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
62
00:01:53,815 --> 00:01:54,844
- Hi.
- Hi.
63
00:01:55,457 --> 00:01:56,559
- How you doing?
- Good.
64
00:01:56,601 --> 00:01:58,642
Oh, oh.
65
00:01:59,673 --> 00:02:00,468
Oh.
66
00:02:02,093 --> 00:02:04,088
Um, here's your wallet.
67
00:02:04,105 --> 00:02:05,078
Oh, thank you.
68
00:02:05,103 --> 00:02:06,965
You must have dropped it
on our most recent trip
69
00:02:07,003 --> 00:02:08,354
to No Pants City.
70
00:02:08,391 --> 00:02:09,910
Just so you know,
71
00:02:09,941 --> 00:02:10,723
I didn't look in it.
72
00:02:10,760 --> 00:02:12,915
'Cause I don't care and
I respect your privacy.
73
00:02:12,995 --> 00:02:14,287
Then how'd you know it was
74
00:02:14,312 --> 00:02:16,100
- my wallet?
- Well played, Sam Sweeny--
75
00:02:16,137 --> 00:02:18,080
Born in Boston, six-four.
76
00:02:18,133 --> 00:02:19,671
I didn't know
you worked in the E.R.
77
00:02:19,703 --> 00:02:20,719
Until I got here, though.
78
00:02:20,746 --> 00:02:21,689
Yeah, pediatrics.
79
00:02:21,720 --> 00:02:23,592
You're a doctor for children.
80
00:02:23,629 --> 00:02:25,146
It's, you know,
mostly paperwork.
81
00:02:25,171 --> 00:02:27,285
That why you have
so many cute cards on the wall?
82
00:02:27,306 --> 00:02:29,316
"Dear Dr. Sam..."
83
00:02:29,604 --> 00:02:31,158
They call you Dr. Sam?
84
00:02:31,356 --> 00:02:33,095
"Thank you
for making me better.
85
00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:35,089
I love you,
and so does my bunny."
86
00:02:35,120 --> 00:02:36,604
Nice kid, but she
can't draw for crap.
87
00:02:36,622 --> 00:02:38,281
I mean, she just
traced Bugs Bunny.
88
00:02:38,305 --> 00:02:40,170
I didn't know you were a,
like, caring person.
89
00:02:40,189 --> 00:02:41,883
Same guy.
Same guy.
90
00:02:41,921 --> 00:02:43,155
I'm the same guy that did you
91
00:02:43,186 --> 00:02:44,849
in that falafel
restaurant, you remember?
92
00:02:44,925 --> 00:02:46,535
- And a dirty one, at that.
- Mm-hmm.
93
00:02:46,572 --> 00:02:48,298
- Please don't do this.
- Dr. Sam.
94
00:02:48,335 --> 00:02:50,698
Don't start thinking
I'm some amazing guy.
95
00:02:50,731 --> 00:02:53,994
This is why I don't
tell girls what I do.
96
00:02:54,031 --> 00:02:55,775
This doesn't change the way
I feel about you.
97
00:02:55,820 --> 00:02:57,606
I feel nothing.
This is purely physical.
98
00:02:57,631 --> 00:02:58,719
Dr. Sam!
99
00:02:58,745 --> 00:03:00,753
Oh, Ben!
What's up?
100
00:03:00,774 --> 00:03:01,912
Fish tails?
101
00:03:02,583 --> 00:03:04,772
I, uh...
102
00:03:05,526 --> 00:03:07,608
How could I say no, buddy?
103
00:03:07,840 --> 00:03:09,808
Fish tail! Fish tail!
104
00:03:09,833 --> 00:03:11,238
Up top!
105
00:03:12,209 --> 00:03:14,032
This makes me feel nothing.
106
00:03:14,135 --> 00:03:15,786
I feel nothing.
107
00:03:15,882 --> 00:03:17,407
I haven't worn these in years.
108
00:03:17,449 --> 00:03:18,362
Here you go.
109
00:03:18,386 --> 00:03:19,476
Wow, Schmidt.
110
00:03:19,548 --> 00:03:20,793
You've got so many boots.
111
00:03:20,818 --> 00:03:22,124
You know who doesn't
have a lot of boots?
112
00:03:22,149 --> 00:03:23,834
Guys who aren't getting
laid on the reg.
113
00:03:23,858 --> 00:03:25,861
- Ooh, trust me, I know. Shelby and I agreed
- Mm-hmm.
114
00:03:25,881 --> 00:03:28,315
That we're gonna dress sexy
this Halloween, so...
115
00:03:28,597 --> 00:03:30,529
hopefully that'll make us want
to have sex with each other.
116
00:03:30,560 --> 00:03:33,300
You know, at night,
I can actually feel gusts
117
00:03:33,328 --> 00:03:35,455
of frigid air coming
from beneath your door.
118
00:03:35,487 --> 00:03:36,656
I get it, Schmidt.
We're in a rut.
119
00:03:36,674 --> 00:03:38,635
Without sex, she's not
your girlfriend, okay?
120
00:03:38,655 --> 00:03:40,516
She's a friend that
you buy meals for.
121
00:03:40,606 --> 00:03:41,655
Winston, I get it, man.
122
00:03:41,731 --> 00:03:43,506
You're... you're
scared to end it.
123
00:03:43,531 --> 00:03:44,479
You're just like Cece.
124
00:03:44,528 --> 00:03:46,401
Cece's scared to
end it with Robby,
125
00:03:46,433 --> 00:03:48,456
because clearly she's
still nuts about me.
126
00:03:48,482 --> 00:03:50,528
Robby's nice.
Good guy, man.
127
00:03:50,547 --> 00:03:51,367
He always has gum.
128
00:03:51,398 --> 00:03:52,923
"Oh, Robby-- he's
such a nice guy."
129
00:03:52,948 --> 00:03:54,585
I'll show you
nice guy. Boom.
130
00:03:54,629 --> 00:03:55,604
Punch him in his face.
131
00:03:55,628 --> 00:03:57,523
Yeah, put you in a
guillotine choke hold.
132
00:03:57,547 --> 00:03:59,096
And then Robby's
like, "Oh, my God!"
133
00:03:59,161 --> 00:04:01,305
"I can't believe this.
Young Abraham Lincoln
134
00:04:01,330 --> 00:04:02,874
is choking me out
in his guillotine."
135
00:04:02,899 --> 00:04:04,896
You're going as young
Abe Lincoln for Halloween?
136
00:04:04,958 --> 00:04:07,071
Statistically speaking,
every American
137
00:04:07,105 --> 00:04:09,286
thinks about Abraham Lincoln
at least once a day.
138
00:04:09,330 --> 00:04:11,249
And Cece's American, so...
139
00:04:11,429 --> 00:04:12,661
Thank you for
that information, Schmidt.
140
00:04:12,710 --> 00:04:13,398
Yeah.
141
00:04:13,422 --> 00:04:14,481
What's up, Robby?
142
00:04:14,642 --> 00:04:16,880
What's up, Robby,
you stupid idiot?
143
00:04:17,657 --> 00:04:19,253
You had an alter ego, remember?
144
00:04:19,290 --> 00:04:19,922
Yeah.
145
00:04:19,953 --> 00:04:21,358
The guy who'd been in a coma
146
00:04:21,383 --> 00:04:23,835
who woke up thinking
he had invented pie.
147
00:04:23,919 --> 00:04:26,880
Oh, I got a great new idea
for a dessert!
148
00:04:26,932 --> 00:04:28,363
Wait a second, what year is it?
149
00:04:30,936 --> 00:04:32,905
That's awesome you liked that.
150
00:04:32,937 --> 00:04:34,050
No, I'm really glad you're here.
151
00:04:34,203 --> 00:04:35,965
Welcome to Los Angeles.
152
00:04:35,990 --> 00:04:37,768
L.A., as the locals call it.
153
00:04:37,838 --> 00:04:39,650
This is the city
where many scenes
154
00:04:39,688 --> 00:04:42,031
from the film Beverly
Hills Chihuahua were shot.
155
00:04:42,057 --> 00:04:43,388
- Yeah, it's pretty cool.
- Mm-hmm.
156
00:04:43,419 --> 00:04:44,531
I made you up a couch.
157
00:04:44,562 --> 00:04:46,208
- Wow.
- The double eye patch.
158
00:04:46,245 --> 00:04:48,229
- You trying to impress me?
- Yes!
159
00:04:48,477 --> 00:04:49,944
Absolutely!
160
00:04:50,823 --> 00:04:52,102
You kidding?
161
00:05:04,315 --> 00:05:05,336
- A doctor?
- Mm-hmm.
162
00:05:05,358 --> 00:05:06,745
I had him pegged for
163
00:05:06,793 --> 00:05:10,296
a part-time tennis pro or
an unemployed handsome guy.
164
00:05:10,338 --> 00:05:12,707
He cares about people for
a living; it's so much hotter.
165
00:05:12,732 --> 00:05:13,958
You're starting
to like him now.
166
00:05:13,989 --> 00:05:15,974
No, no, no,
we're just coworkers.
167
00:05:16,085 --> 00:05:17,270
On the night shift.
168
00:05:17,307 --> 00:05:18,857
These fit great, Jess.
169
00:05:19,069 --> 00:05:20,120
Really, thank you so much.
170
00:05:20,227 --> 00:05:22,733
It's like a childhood dream
come true for me.
171
00:05:22,794 --> 00:05:25,094
To be a Ninja Turtle.
172
00:05:25,411 --> 00:05:27,024
And to have a beautiful
girlfriend, of course.
173
00:05:27,062 --> 00:05:28,108
Uh-huh.
Thank you.
174
00:05:28,121 --> 00:05:29,462
What am I looking at here?
175
00:05:29,516 --> 00:05:30,682
Robby, man to man,
176
00:05:30,701 --> 00:05:31,751
you didn't want
to wear something,
177
00:05:31,776 --> 00:05:33,858
I don't know,
a little more form flattering?
178
00:05:33,893 --> 00:05:35,916
Maybe like a pile of towels,
the number eight?
179
00:05:35,980 --> 00:05:37,353
- Schmidt.
- I know. But how could I not
180
00:05:37,384 --> 00:05:39,257
knock down
such low-hanging fruit?
181
00:05:39,335 --> 00:05:40,923
Speaking of low-hanging fruit,
182
00:05:40,952 --> 00:05:41,965
Jess, you didn't
want to let out
183
00:05:41,996 --> 00:05:42,985
- the pants a little bit?
- No.
184
00:05:42,999 --> 00:05:44,071
- Not even a touch?
- No.
185
00:05:44,108 --> 00:05:45,641
You want to look at your work?
186
00:05:45,695 --> 00:05:46,341
Looks great.
187
00:05:46,372 --> 00:05:47,485
Not to an eight-year-old child.
188
00:05:47,504 --> 00:05:49,122
Who's just staring
right down the barrel.
189
00:05:49,141 --> 00:05:50,328
- Enough.
- Are you guys coming to
190
00:05:50,356 --> 00:05:51,531
the Halloween
festivities tomorrow?
191
00:05:51,556 --> 00:05:53,697
- Actually, we're...
- I think you should come.
192
00:05:53,731 --> 00:05:54,728
It's for charity.
193
00:05:54,735 --> 00:05:56,196
You like charity, Robby, right?
194
00:05:56,234 --> 00:05:57,756
Yeah, sure.
Like Cece dating you.
195
00:05:59,395 --> 00:06:01,378
Awesome. Um...
196
00:06:01,621 --> 00:06:02,853
- Why not?
- No. I mean,
197
00:06:02,890 --> 00:06:05,435
- We have that thing...
- Don't worry about my friends.
198
00:06:05,465 --> 00:06:06,935
I would love
to hang out with your friends.
199
00:06:06,966 --> 00:06:09,123
I think we should do it, because
I want to wear this costume out.
200
00:06:09,148 --> 00:06:11,123
You know what I mean?
So I say yes.
201
00:06:11,213 --> 00:06:13,426
Just, uh, keep the pumpkins
away from me, okay?
202
00:06:13,450 --> 00:06:15,507
I kind of cut myself
last Halloween.
203
00:06:16,689 --> 00:06:18,553
I mean, not on a knife.
204
00:06:18,592 --> 00:06:21,280
I-I, you know,
I cut myself on the pumpkin.
205
00:06:21,641 --> 00:06:23,620
You should've
made a move in college.
206
00:06:23,666 --> 00:06:25,706
No, I didn't have
moves, Amelia.
207
00:06:25,738 --> 00:06:27,849
My moves were
208
00:06:27,899 --> 00:06:30,605
Singing to you and trying
to give you back rubs and...
209
00:06:30,657 --> 00:06:33,558
I do remember you picking a lot
of eyelashes off my cheeks.
210
00:06:33,583 --> 00:06:35,448
Didn't you think it
was weird that I kept
211
00:06:35,485 --> 00:06:38,358
showing up at your door, telling
you I had a family tragedy?
212
00:06:38,502 --> 00:06:40,434
How many grandparents
did you think I had?
213
00:06:41,435 --> 00:06:43,454
I had a bad bag of moves, lady.
214
00:06:43,966 --> 00:06:46,241
Well, they're not
bad any more, Nick Miller.
215
00:06:55,996 --> 00:06:57,995
Ah, that's great.
216
00:07:01,640 --> 00:07:03,303
That is for real.
217
00:07:03,324 --> 00:07:04,636
There's more
where that came from.
218
00:07:04,704 --> 00:07:06,649
Uh-oh.
219
00:07:13,930 --> 00:07:15,737
Oh, that's good stuff.
220
00:07:15,786 --> 00:07:17,042
That is good.
221
00:07:22,343 --> 00:07:23,367
Hey.
222
00:07:23,406 --> 00:07:25,404
Sam's in there.
- Yeah, Amelia's in there.
223
00:07:25,422 --> 00:07:26,750
- High five for sluts.
- Yeah!
224
00:07:27,993 --> 00:07:28,993
Hey.
225
00:07:29,032 --> 00:07:30,274
I think I might like Sam.
226
00:07:30,302 --> 00:07:32,263
Jess, I thought the whole thing
was how you didn't like him.
227
00:07:32,281 --> 00:07:34,009
I know, but then...
228
00:07:36,039 --> 00:07:36,670
Hey.
229
00:07:36,695 --> 00:07:38,652
Hi. You must be
Amelia. I'm Jess.
230
00:07:38,767 --> 00:07:40,418
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
231
00:07:40,492 --> 00:07:41,968
Nick's told me a lot about you.
232
00:07:41,992 --> 00:07:42,913
Yes, I did.
233
00:07:42,937 --> 00:07:44,232
Yeah, it finally happened.
234
00:07:44,257 --> 00:07:46,320
It's crazy--
Nick and Amelia.
235
00:07:46,435 --> 00:07:48,179
- Together.
- Together, yeah.
236
00:07:48,239 --> 00:07:49,251
- Together, yeah.
- Together.
237
00:07:49,296 --> 00:07:50,531
Really? Right now?
238
00:07:50,689 --> 00:07:52,333
Okay.
239
00:07:54,525 --> 00:07:56,177
Yeah, good.
240
00:07:56,259 --> 00:07:58,238
Okay.
241
00:07:58,901 --> 00:08:00,175
All right, call me tonight?
242
00:08:00,212 --> 00:08:01,571
Actually, tonight's
the last night
243
00:08:01,596 --> 00:08:02,986
of this haunted house thing.
244
00:08:03,014 --> 00:08:04,217
Here's a crazy idea.
245
00:08:04,254 --> 00:08:05,248
What if you came?
246
00:08:05,260 --> 00:08:06,542
Well, I don't really do,
247
00:08:06,573 --> 00:08:08,543
uh, the, you know,
sort of costume thing.
248
00:08:08,594 --> 00:08:09,757
I'm gonna be dressed up.
249
00:08:09,794 --> 00:08:11,251
I think you should
dress up, too.
250
00:08:11,345 --> 00:08:12,758
'Cause it'd be cool.
251
00:08:12,876 --> 00:08:14,268
For me.
252
00:08:15,197 --> 00:08:18,184
Okay. I'll try to
make it, darling.
253
00:08:27,330 --> 00:08:28,936
Well, I wish I hadn't
have seen that.
254
00:08:28,971 --> 00:08:30,852
You wish you hadn't seen that?
255
00:08:30,945 --> 00:08:33,558
- I wish I hadn't seen...
- Fair point.
256
00:08:33,583 --> 00:08:34,809
What if tonight's a test?
257
00:08:34,840 --> 00:08:36,868
If he shows up
wearing a costume,
258
00:08:37,395 --> 00:08:38,682
he likes me.
259
00:08:38,708 --> 00:08:40,085
- Sound logic.
- I know.
260
00:08:40,272 --> 00:08:42,238
Jess, I-I...
Jess, I was kidding.
261
00:08:42,288 --> 00:08:43,624
How do the boots feel, man?
262
00:08:43,658 --> 00:08:44,823
Feel fantastic, man.
263
00:08:44,854 --> 00:08:46,231
Well, there's more
where that came from.
264
00:08:46,268 --> 00:08:47,274
Got a lot of boots.
265
00:08:47,471 --> 00:08:48,921
Whoo, looky here!
266
00:08:48,966 --> 00:08:50,072
One of my brothers in blue.
267
00:08:50,087 --> 00:08:51,654
That gun looks real.
Let me see that for a second.
268
00:08:51,700 --> 00:08:53,131
LAPD! Stand down!
Stand down!
269
00:08:53,156 --> 00:08:54,544
I'm standing, I'm standing!
Look at that!
270
00:08:56,751 --> 00:08:58,301
Butch it up, Axel Foley.
271
00:08:58,479 --> 00:09:00,810
Shelby's coming.
272
00:09:01,941 --> 00:09:02,966
Yeah.
273
00:09:06,694 --> 00:09:07,718
Hey.
274
00:09:07,744 --> 00:09:09,507
Hey. What, uh...
275
00:09:09,531 --> 00:09:10,907
What-what are you?
276
00:09:10,938 --> 00:09:14,895
I'm reigning cats and dogs!
277
00:09:16,076 --> 00:09:17,117
Get it?
278
00:09:17,168 --> 00:09:18,755
Reigning...
279
00:09:18,987 --> 00:09:21,293
cats and dogs.
280
00:09:22,085 --> 00:09:24,146
Those stuffed animals
are gonna look good
281
00:09:24,177 --> 00:09:26,478
on the floor of my bedroom.
282
00:09:28,863 --> 00:09:29,621
Oh!
283
00:09:29,659 --> 00:09:30,815
What are you doing?!
284
00:09:30,848 --> 00:09:32,046
No, it's cool, it's cool.
285
00:09:32,064 --> 00:09:33,337
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Schmidt.
286
00:09:33,355 --> 00:09:34,200
Hey, Robby.
287
00:09:34,231 --> 00:09:35,150
Hey, look, I get it.
288
00:09:35,174 --> 00:09:36,207
Guy who shot John Lennon
289
00:09:36,238 --> 00:09:37,751
- dressed as a Ninja Turtle.
- No.
290
00:09:37,774 --> 00:09:39,630
Cece, you're an angel,
as always.
291
00:09:39,673 --> 00:09:41,390
Get off my horse, Schmidt.
292
00:09:41,414 --> 00:09:43,484
Hey, Lincoln, right?
That's awes...
293
00:09:43,509 --> 00:09:45,065
You know, I was just thinking
about Lincoln today.
294
00:09:45,083 --> 00:09:46,390
Yeah, Robby, we all were.
295
00:09:46,414 --> 00:09:47,222
This is kind of funny.
296
00:09:47,253 --> 00:09:48,453
The two of you together
on that horse,
297
00:09:48,484 --> 00:09:50,303
you kind of look like
a bride and a groom.
298
00:09:50,809 --> 00:09:52,078
I will throw you
299
00:09:52,119 --> 00:09:55,144
off of this horse with
my bare hands. I will.
300
00:09:55,558 --> 00:09:57,565
I'm gonna tell him
how I feel tonight.
301
00:09:57,759 --> 00:09:59,125
- You are?
- Think so.
302
00:09:59,149 --> 00:09:59,843
Boo!
303
00:10:01,865 --> 00:10:02,791
What'd you carve here?
304
00:10:02,816 --> 00:10:04,741
Oh, it's a secret.
I'm not done yet.
305
00:10:08,876 --> 00:10:09,903
What's wrong with me?
306
00:10:10,073 --> 00:10:12,162
I wanted this for
so long with her,
307
00:10:12,186 --> 00:10:14,595
and now...
it's just too much.
308
00:10:14,651 --> 00:10:15,844
- You know?
- Mm-hmm.
309
00:10:15,942 --> 00:10:17,560
You want to know why I
don't like haunted houses?
310
00:10:17,585 --> 00:10:19,904
- Why?
- Because they're just like relationships.
311
00:10:19,954 --> 00:10:21,983
You walk in all confident,
312
00:10:22,003 --> 00:10:24,491
and then once you get in,
it's not what you thought
313
00:10:24,516 --> 00:10:26,243
it was gonna be,
and it's scary.
314
00:10:26,287 --> 00:10:28,232
Nick, you've liked her
for a long time.
315
00:10:28,543 --> 00:10:30,104
Go in the "haunted house."
316
00:10:30,154 --> 00:10:31,795
I'm gonna go
in the "haunted house."
317
00:10:31,821 --> 00:10:33,840
Ta-da! That's me,
318
00:10:33,966 --> 00:10:35,936
that's you, and that's our dog.
319
00:10:37,021 --> 00:10:39,041
I look so scared.
320
00:10:39,236 --> 00:10:40,261
Bride and groom?
321
00:10:40,281 --> 00:10:41,236
No!
322
00:10:41,273 --> 00:10:43,568
No, I'm here with
the Ninja Turtle!
323
00:10:43,679 --> 00:10:45,624
Bride and Ninja Turtle.
324
00:10:46,206 --> 00:10:47,142
I don't get it.
325
00:10:47,185 --> 00:10:48,224
I don't get it, either.
326
00:10:48,294 --> 00:10:49,788
Like she lost a
bet or something.
327
00:10:49,819 --> 00:10:51,213
What is wrong with you?
328
00:10:51,245 --> 00:10:52,256
Seriously!
329
00:10:52,276 --> 00:10:53,116
It's okay, Cece.
330
00:10:53,141 --> 00:10:55,004
No, it's not okay!
331
00:10:55,082 --> 00:10:58,388
You need to go home
and change, Schmidt.
332
00:10:58,425 --> 00:11:00,927
I know you have more
costumes in your closet.
333
00:11:00,957 --> 00:11:03,654
Those costumes are for Purim.
Purim's in March.
334
00:11:03,678 --> 00:11:05,954
I don't care!
You're doing this intentionally
335
00:11:05,961 --> 00:11:06,992
just to mess with me!
336
00:11:07,016 --> 00:11:09,040
All right, calm down.
Everybody just...
337
00:11:09,065 --> 00:11:09,797
just calm down.
338
00:11:09,829 --> 00:11:11,373
All right, Schmidt?
Let's take a walk.
339
00:11:11,502 --> 00:11:13,008
Let's take a walk.
340
00:11:13,380 --> 00:11:15,709
Look, let's just cut
the crap, okay?
341
00:11:15,962 --> 00:11:17,212
I know you think I'm dumb,
342
00:11:17,247 --> 00:11:19,891
and you can hit on Cece
and make fun of me all day long,
343
00:11:19,916 --> 00:11:22,511
but I'm not going
anywhere, all right?
344
00:11:23,694 --> 00:11:25,114
You're a big guy,
you know that?
345
00:11:25,166 --> 00:11:26,641
Yeah.
346
00:11:26,897 --> 00:11:28,665
Luckily, I've got
a stone forehead.
347
00:11:28,690 --> 00:11:29,717
What?
348
00:11:30,814 --> 00:11:31,496
I'm sorry.
349
00:11:31,526 --> 00:11:33,076
- No, it's cool, man.
- You just tried to head-butt me.
350
00:11:33,107 --> 00:11:34,239
- I had to stop you.
- No, yeah, yeah.
351
00:11:34,273 --> 00:11:36,270
- I got you. I got you.
- All right.
352
00:11:37,029 --> 00:11:38,455
- Damn it!
- Schmidt, you did it again.
353
00:11:38,497 --> 00:11:39,893
How do you see that
coming every time?
354
00:11:39,911 --> 00:11:41,506
You wind up. You make,
like, a little wind-up thing.
355
00:11:41,519 --> 00:11:43,080
- I just...
- Hit me right in the forehead.
356
00:11:43,116 --> 00:11:44,479
Yeah, well, you tried to head-butt
me with your forehead.
357
00:11:44,516 --> 00:11:46,067
Yeah, I know I was
trying to head-butt you.
358
00:11:46,114 --> 00:11:47,551
Okay, listen.
359
00:11:48,070 --> 00:11:49,589
I think there's
two options here.
360
00:11:49,620 --> 00:11:51,694
We can either go the way
that things have been going
361
00:11:51,725 --> 00:11:53,488
and we're going to have
a big problem,
362
00:11:53,655 --> 00:11:57,786
or we can just knock this off
and let's be friends, okay?
363
00:11:58,001 --> 00:11:59,412
- I'm sorry.
- Okay. I'm sorry, too.
364
00:11:59,437 --> 00:12:00,443
- I'm sorry, too.
- My bad.
365
00:12:00,474 --> 00:12:01,908
- No, truce.
- All right, truce.
366
00:12:03,719 --> 00:12:05,401
Will you stop trying
to head-butt me, man?
367
00:12:05,454 --> 00:12:06,673
I just...
368
00:12:06,746 --> 00:12:07,755
Look at this guy.
369
00:12:07,781 --> 00:12:09,276
- Looking great.
- Oh, my God.
370
00:12:09,738 --> 00:12:11,714
- What?
- He came.
371
00:12:13,516 --> 00:12:14,741
He's not wearing a costume.
372
00:12:14,785 --> 00:12:16,016
Yeah, but he came, so...
373
00:12:16,595 --> 00:12:18,368
- Hey.
- Hey.
374
00:12:18,484 --> 00:12:20,506
Oh, I got to sneeze.
375
00:12:25,043 --> 00:12:26,743
I'm a clown for you.
376
00:12:26,796 --> 00:12:28,421
Just don't ask me
to wear this in bed.
377
00:12:28,445 --> 00:12:30,424
Okay.
378
00:12:38,464 --> 00:12:39,993
I think, when he
comes here tonight,
379
00:12:40,024 --> 00:12:42,774
I'm just going to be like,
"Sam, crazy idea--
380
00:12:42,833 --> 00:12:44,364
why don't we take this
to another level?"
381
00:12:44,404 --> 00:12:46,393
And pretend like I'm just
thinking of it, but I'm not...
382
00:12:54,166 --> 00:12:55,960
- Can you hand me my coffee?
- Yeah.
383
00:12:56,146 --> 00:12:57,896
Zombie, just tell
him the truth.
384
00:12:57,953 --> 00:12:59,786
Mummy's right.
Take the big swing.
385
00:12:59,811 --> 00:13:01,465
It's okay to be vulnerable.
386
00:13:01,539 --> 00:13:03,509
You guys are right.
387
00:13:05,285 --> 00:13:06,322
Life as a doctor.
388
00:13:06,648 --> 00:13:07,788
Your phone must just be
389
00:13:07,806 --> 00:13:09,805
blowing up with
life-saving texts, huh?
390
00:13:09,936 --> 00:13:13,071
"Don't die on me, Danny Boy!
Use the paddles!"
391
00:13:13,168 --> 00:13:14,724
No, it's a girl.
392
00:13:15,931 --> 00:13:17,108
Oh, I thought Jess was working.
393
00:13:17,141 --> 00:13:19,108
It's another girl.
Just a weekend thing.
394
00:13:19,153 --> 00:13:21,278
Does Jess know
you're texting other girls?
395
00:13:21,298 --> 00:13:23,623
Yeah. We're, like,
totally honest with each other.
396
00:13:23,641 --> 00:13:25,171
You know?
I mean, she wants
397
00:13:25,196 --> 00:13:26,469
a relationship less than I do.
398
00:13:26,493 --> 00:13:27,425
It's actually awesome.
399
00:13:27,447 --> 00:13:29,100
Right.
400
00:13:30,053 --> 00:13:32,106
And you're coming over
tonight, hmm?
401
00:13:32,138 --> 00:13:33,857
And she's going to talk to you.
402
00:13:33,926 --> 00:13:34,926
Ooh.
403
00:13:37,910 --> 00:13:39,336
All right, man.
404
00:13:39,385 --> 00:13:41,409
You've got to be kidding me.
405
00:13:43,386 --> 00:13:44,573
Just do it, Nick.
406
00:13:44,754 --> 00:13:45,719
Don't be scared, Nick.
407
00:13:45,750 --> 00:13:47,753
You're a grown man.
This is a haunted house.
408
00:13:48,910 --> 00:13:49,901
Game time.
409
00:13:50,353 --> 00:13:53,091
I have no idea how they
deep-fry a turkey dinner,
410
00:13:53,151 --> 00:13:55,893
but I am so glad they do
because I love it.
411
00:13:55,918 --> 00:13:58,369
Do you love your legs? Because,
I'll tell you, diabetes doesn't.
412
00:13:58,541 --> 00:14:00,831
- Where have you been?
- Oh, God, I'm sorry.
413
00:14:00,862 --> 00:14:02,193
I totally lost track of time.
414
00:14:02,226 --> 00:14:03,728
We decided that we're
going to hang out more.
415
00:14:03,759 --> 00:14:05,374
All of us are going
to hang out more.
416
00:14:05,399 --> 00:14:06,715
You know, 'cause I
remember you saying
417
00:14:06,954 --> 00:14:09,200
- that missed hanging out with Schmidt, so...
- Oh, Robby.
418
00:14:09,431 --> 00:14:12,428
- You said that?
- Yeah, I... yeah, I... I said it, but...
419
00:14:12,466 --> 00:14:14,421
No, because I want
to hang out with you, too.
420
00:14:14,553 --> 00:14:15,665
With Robby there?
421
00:14:15,899 --> 00:14:18,255
Yeah, with Robby there.
422
00:14:18,340 --> 00:14:19,398
- Good.
- Good.
423
00:14:19,419 --> 00:14:21,408
- Oh, yeah, good, good.
- Good.
424
00:14:21,530 --> 00:14:25,063
Lincoln, bringing the
nation back together again.
425
00:14:25,828 --> 00:14:27,263
Jess!
426
00:14:27,733 --> 00:14:29,091
Jess, where are you?
427
00:14:29,110 --> 00:14:30,712
Watch your step!
428
00:14:30,736 --> 00:14:32,568
It's just a recording.
429
00:14:32,605 --> 00:14:34,334
Good, good. Fun.
430
00:14:36,149 --> 00:14:39,115
Okay. It's not a race.
It's not a...
431
00:14:56,009 --> 00:14:57,809
Welcome to the morgue,
432
00:14:57,840 --> 00:14:59,645
Officer and...
433
00:15:00,532 --> 00:15:02,544
Sorry. I have no idea what...
434
00:15:02,859 --> 00:15:04,346
that whole thing... I don't...
435
00:15:04,369 --> 00:15:07,326
I'm reigning cats and dogs.
436
00:15:07,745 --> 00:15:09,543
- What?
- "Reigning" like a queen,
437
00:15:09,574 --> 00:15:11,628
But... but "raining"
like the weather.
438
00:15:11,667 --> 00:15:12,316
No.
439
00:15:12,346 --> 00:15:14,282
"It's raining
cats and dogs!"
440
00:15:14,427 --> 00:15:16,460
- Right.
- It's a joke.
441
00:15:16,501 --> 00:15:18,371
- Not really.
- What?
442
00:15:18,414 --> 00:15:20,980
Hmm? No, I'm saying, like, it's
not really... not really funny.
443
00:15:21,004 --> 00:15:23,305
- It's hilarious.
- I thought you were going to dress sexy.
444
00:15:23,389 --> 00:15:25,300
A sense of humor is sexy.
445
00:15:25,330 --> 00:15:26,895
I don't want to date the
queen of Cats and Dogs.
446
00:15:26,920 --> 00:15:28,845
- Reigning cats and dogs.
- Makes no sense.
447
00:15:28,876 --> 00:15:30,537
I don't see the queen of
England running around
448
00:15:30,568 --> 00:15:32,306
- with a cape and British people stapled to it.
- What?
449
00:15:32,342 --> 00:15:33,957
When is the last time
you heard somebody say,
450
00:15:33,988 --> 00:15:35,613
"Man, you know what's sexy?
451
00:15:35,654 --> 00:15:38,043
A woman with stuffed
animals taped to her back."
452
00:15:38,142 --> 00:15:40,036
Look how good I look!
Look how stylish I look.
453
00:15:40,060 --> 00:15:42,449
That's not sexy. I feel like
I'm getting a speeding ticket.
454
00:15:42,480 --> 00:15:45,161
Ooh! Shelby, you made me so mad,
my mustache is coming off!
455
00:15:45,192 --> 00:15:47,644
Why do you have a mustache
glued on top of your mustache.
456
00:15:48,526 --> 00:15:50,068
Why aren't we having sex?
457
00:15:53,153 --> 00:15:55,290
- Shut up, bitch.
- Sorry.
458
00:15:56,550 --> 00:15:58,644
Shelby, this is not working.
459
00:15:59,523 --> 00:16:00,855
It's just not.
460
00:16:00,880 --> 00:16:02,918
I know.
461
00:16:04,659 --> 00:16:05,966
Oh, I get it.
462
00:16:05,997 --> 00:16:07,988
Reigning cats and dogs.
463
00:16:08,546 --> 00:16:10,580
It's funny. It is.
464
00:16:15,271 --> 00:16:17,258
Jess.
465
00:16:18,039 --> 00:16:20,746
Jessica Day, where are you?
466
00:16:23,428 --> 00:16:25,394
No, no!
467
00:16:31,273 --> 00:16:32,992
Very effective.
Very scary.
468
00:16:33,050 --> 00:16:35,095
Come in! Come in!
469
00:16:35,151 --> 00:16:36,583
This is fun.
This is entertaining.
470
00:16:39,977 --> 00:16:42,341
Oh, no! Jess!
471
00:16:42,355 --> 00:16:43,903
No! No!
472
00:16:43,940 --> 00:16:46,048
- Jess! No!
- No, I'm her friend.
473
00:16:51,635 --> 00:16:53,605
Somebody help me!
474
00:16:53,625 --> 00:16:55,620
This is my nightmare!
475
00:16:59,798 --> 00:17:02,727
I didn't punch a girl.
I punched a horrifying monster.
476
00:17:02,865 --> 00:17:04,885
You of all people should
know this, Frankenstein.
477
00:17:04,916 --> 00:17:06,079
You're the real monster.
478
00:17:06,116 --> 00:17:07,552
Oh, give me a break.
479
00:17:07,951 --> 00:17:09,417
Jess, are you okay?
480
00:17:09,449 --> 00:17:10,397
Yeah. It's nothing.
481
00:17:10,428 --> 00:17:11,487
Nick just punched
me in the face.
482
00:17:11,520 --> 00:17:13,986
- What?!
- Oh, my God! No, it was an acc...
483
00:17:14,026 --> 00:17:16,458
- What is wrong with you?
- Jess, I'm sorry!
484
00:17:17,889 --> 00:17:19,940
All right.
Look away.
485
00:17:21,835 --> 00:17:23,822
All right, well, the
bruise is going to heal,
486
00:17:23,854 --> 00:17:26,345
but I don't know what to do
about the giant stitches.
487
00:17:26,375 --> 00:17:27,765
I mean, those are
going to scar.
488
00:17:27,842 --> 00:17:29,233
And you're looking
a little pale.
489
00:17:29,271 --> 00:17:30,508
What have you been eating?
490
00:17:30,746 --> 00:17:31,795
Brains.
491
00:17:36,835 --> 00:17:38,060
Habit.
492
00:17:39,275 --> 00:17:41,774
I think we should go.
493
00:17:42,778 --> 00:17:45,097
Sam. Uh, wait.
494
00:17:45,149 --> 00:17:47,074
Um... um...
495
00:17:47,115 --> 00:17:50,085
uh, I... I like you.
496
00:17:50,111 --> 00:17:52,411
- I like you, too, Jess.
- No, but, um...
497
00:17:52,561 --> 00:17:54,565
I care about you,
498
00:17:55,029 --> 00:17:58,342
and, um, I want
to ask you out for real.
499
00:17:58,559 --> 00:18:03,123
So... will you go out with me?
500
00:18:06,186 --> 00:18:08,215
I can't.
501
00:18:11,509 --> 00:18:13,486
I told you...
502
00:18:13,861 --> 00:18:16,361
what I wanted,
and I wasn't lying.
503
00:18:17,451 --> 00:18:18,745
Yeah, um...
504
00:18:18,866 --> 00:18:20,235
I just thought maybe
505
00:18:20,259 --> 00:18:22,238
- you were scared to say it.
- I'm not.
506
00:18:22,276 --> 00:18:23,643
Not scared, you know.
507
00:18:24,456 --> 00:18:26,727
This is how I feel.
508
00:18:29,155 --> 00:18:30,767
Do you want me to go?
509
00:18:41,762 --> 00:18:43,796
- Hey.
- Hey.
510
00:18:44,243 --> 00:18:45,238
You punch a girl?
511
00:18:45,263 --> 00:18:47,714
Yes, I did.
Uh, I'm a coward.
512
00:18:47,809 --> 00:18:49,125
I'm scared of haunted houses.
513
00:18:49,168 --> 00:18:51,184
And I'm scared of you--
I always have been.
514
00:18:51,209 --> 00:18:54,179
That's right. That is what
I've been trying to remember.
515
00:18:54,217 --> 00:18:55,524
I was like, "Nick is great."
516
00:18:55,550 --> 00:18:57,530
Why didn't I
realize it years ago?"
517
00:18:57,549 --> 00:19:00,756
And it's because you could not
tell me how you felt.
518
00:19:00,949 --> 00:19:02,631
So you always knew I liked you?
519
00:19:02,661 --> 00:19:05,446
You drove me home
every Thanksgiving break.
520
00:19:05,511 --> 00:19:07,334
You lived in Chicago;
I lived in Florida.
521
00:19:07,359 --> 00:19:08,653
Well, I was trying
to avoid the tolls.
522
00:19:12,744 --> 00:19:14,747
How do you feel about me now?
523
00:19:16,823 --> 00:19:18,355
Great. Good.
524
00:19:18,544 --> 00:19:20,645
I can't believe
that after all this time,
525
00:19:20,694 --> 00:19:21,842
you still can't be
honest with me.
526
00:19:21,867 --> 00:19:24,358
I'm sorry, all right?
It's my fault.
527
00:19:24,419 --> 00:19:25,676
Okay, I fell in love with you
528
00:19:25,700 --> 00:19:28,089
the first time I saw
you-- that's crazy.
529
00:19:28,350 --> 00:19:30,838
I didn't even know you.
It was just this idea of you.
530
00:19:30,863 --> 00:19:34,845
And then... it just
wasn't what I thought.
531
00:19:37,086 --> 00:19:39,581
And what's up with
the way you kiss?
532
00:19:39,618 --> 00:19:42,551
It's like reverse CPR.
It's like you're...
533
00:19:43,962 --> 00:19:45,385
Hey.
534
00:19:45,610 --> 00:19:47,048
I'm not an idea of a person.
535
00:19:47,073 --> 00:19:49,055
I'm an actual person.
536
00:19:54,121 --> 00:19:55,297
- Okay.
- Ready? Uh-huh.
537
00:19:55,329 --> 00:19:56,773
One, two, three.
538
00:19:59,354 --> 00:20:01,652
All right, let's try it one more time.
Let's see if we can hit the top.
539
00:20:01,677 --> 00:20:03,568
I think you guys deserve
the couples costumes.
540
00:20:03,614 --> 00:20:05,374
Bride and groom.
541
00:20:05,409 --> 00:20:07,426
- Aw.
- How sweet of you.
542
00:20:07,728 --> 00:20:09,643
- Thank you.
- Take the hat.
543
00:20:09,725 --> 00:20:11,556
It's... that's, like,
the most important part.
544
00:20:11,598 --> 00:20:13,751
- Very nice of you to do that, Schmidt.
- Hold this.
545
00:20:13,810 --> 00:20:16,090
Okay, I'm not... I don't need
to wear a second costume.
546
00:20:16,121 --> 00:20:18,253
This and the hat and the
blazer's enough, so that's...
547
00:20:18,287 --> 00:20:20,535
- You need it, Robby.
- Where you going with this here, buddy? I...
548
00:20:20,554 --> 00:20:22,710
- You're not going to... the pants, too?
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
549
00:20:22,741 --> 00:20:25,129
- We're fine. We're good.
- It's important, man. Need to wear the whole thing.
550
00:20:25,149 --> 00:20:26,768
Just... what are
you going to wear?
551
00:20:26,809 --> 00:20:27,890
Plan B was always
552
00:20:27,914 --> 00:20:30,075
Matthew McConaughey
in Magic Mike, so...
553
00:20:30,126 --> 00:20:32,107
Always got to have
a plan B, Robby.
554
00:20:38,065 --> 00:20:40,098
Thanks, man.
555
00:20:41,370 --> 00:20:43,488
Wow. I mean,
look at his thighs.
556
00:20:43,512 --> 00:20:45,028
They're like fleshy
tree trunks.
557
00:20:45,053 --> 00:20:46,090
Whoa.
558
00:20:46,447 --> 00:20:48,491
I mean, he just knows
how to work the crowd.
559
00:20:49,442 --> 00:20:50,354
I mean, his thighs
560
00:20:50,378 --> 00:20:52,385
are, like, the size of my head.
561
00:20:53,025 --> 00:20:55,447
- Reigning cats and dogs!
- Yeah!
562
00:20:55,468 --> 00:20:57,256
Coat of arms.
563
00:20:57,304 --> 00:20:58,810
You are so awesome!
564
00:20:59,642 --> 00:21:02,498
You know, I may not
actually be Abraham Lincoln,
565
00:21:02,604 --> 00:21:04,894
but I witnessed
the emancipation
566
00:21:04,912 --> 00:21:06,725
of one black guy tonight...
567
00:21:07,050 --> 00:21:09,443
from a terrible relationship.
568
00:21:09,522 --> 00:21:11,527
Come on.
569
00:21:14,059 --> 00:21:16,336
I know I said you shouldn't
put yourself out there,
570
00:21:16,465 --> 00:21:17,925
but I'm glad you did.
571
00:21:18,125 --> 00:21:21,219
You should be with somebody
who's crazy about you, Jess.
572
00:21:22,226 --> 00:21:23,676
Thanks, Nick.
573
00:21:23,759 --> 00:21:25,659
That'd be really nice
if it wasn't coming
574
00:21:25,683 --> 00:21:27,967
from somebody who just
punched me in the face.
575
00:21:28,624 --> 00:21:29,539
Sorry about that.
576
00:21:29,578 --> 00:21:31,747
- All right, you ready?
- Mm-hmm.
577
00:21:32,158 --> 00:21:32,972
Let's do it.
578
00:21:33,030 --> 00:21:35,987
All right.
Let's do it.
579
00:21:36,288 --> 00:21:37,348
Okay.
580
00:21:37,666 --> 00:21:40,228
- Jess, let's make this right.
- All right.
581
00:21:46,598 --> 00:21:48,457
I can't do this.
582
00:21:49,380 --> 00:21:51,816
I'm glad you're you,
'cause Jess Day could...
583
00:21:51,848 --> 00:21:54,749
Ow! Mother of...
Damn it!
584
00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:59,880
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