1
00:00:03,018 --> 00:00:05,630
Okay, gas, electric, and cable
2
00:00:05,657 --> 00:00:08,176
comes out to $219.34.
3
00:00:08,224 --> 00:00:09,299
Jessica?
4
00:00:09,348 --> 00:00:10,867
Do you have anything
to contribute?
5
00:00:10,959 --> 00:00:13,590
- Here we go.
- They're not all legal tenders,
6
00:00:13,647 --> 00:00:16,180
- but they have value, like...
- Sure.
7
00:00:16,232 --> 00:00:17,757
- That's $5.00.
- $5.00.
8
00:00:17,807 --> 00:00:18,562
Library card.
9
00:00:18,592 --> 00:00:20,451
- Library's not just for books any more.
- Mm-hmm.
10
00:00:20,491 --> 00:00:22,377
- Library card.
- Also, you can check out compact discs.
11
00:00:22,409 --> 00:00:24,151
- What else? This is a fortune.
- Um, yeah.
12
00:00:24,170 --> 00:00:26,870
"You are lucky and success."
How ironic.
13
00:00:26,910 --> 00:00:29,278
That's going right to the
gas company. "Paid in full."
14
00:00:29,371 --> 00:00:31,105
Jess, we can't keep
covering for you.
15
00:00:31,135 --> 00:00:32,200
Yes. I understand.
16
00:00:32,224 --> 00:00:33,389
It's just that, um...
17
00:00:33,425 --> 00:00:36,394
recently I went through a,
uh, life change
18
00:00:36,419 --> 00:00:37,282
where I was fired.
19
00:00:37,319 --> 00:00:38,486
Maybe I can borrow
20
00:00:38,554 --> 00:00:42,209
the money from my
good friend... Winston?
21
00:00:42,242 --> 00:00:44,367
You know, I really wish
I could, Jess, but, uh...
22
00:00:44,407 --> 00:00:47,102
I'm a single man now, so
basically I have to be able to
23
00:00:47,135 --> 00:00:50,121
trick women into thinking
that I can buy them stuff.
24
00:00:50,665 --> 00:00:52,457
Okay!
25
00:00:52,735 --> 00:00:54,791
Here is my share...
26
00:00:54,869 --> 00:00:56,538
to the penny.
27
00:00:56,603 --> 00:00:58,878
Yeah! I'm not the poorest!
28
00:00:58,953 --> 00:01:00,584
Second poorest.
Now you're the poorest.
29
00:01:00,621 --> 00:01:02,166
- That's gotta be rock bottom.
- Yeah, I got it.
30
00:01:02,197 --> 00:01:03,507
You know what?
I'm shutting off the gas
31
00:01:03,542 --> 00:01:04,555
until you can get me the money.
32
00:01:04,580 --> 00:01:05,823
- What?
- What are you talking about?
33
00:01:05,860 --> 00:01:07,435
- Don't scapegoat me.
- I just gave you my money.
34
00:01:07,478 --> 00:01:09,180
That's called tough love,
all right?
35
00:01:09,251 --> 00:01:10,617
No more handouts.
36
00:01:10,654 --> 00:01:11,917
Now, what are you
going to do about it?
37
00:01:11,950 --> 00:01:13,685
How are you gonna
pay the gas bill?
38
00:01:13,729 --> 00:01:15,239
- I don't know.
- I've got an idea.
39
00:01:15,263 --> 00:01:16,372
Get a job.
40
00:01:16,396 --> 00:01:17,729
The school year's
already started.
41
00:01:17,766 --> 00:01:19,066
I have a lot of
decisions to make
42
00:01:19,121 --> 00:01:20,465
as far as my résumé
is concerned.
43
00:01:20,527 --> 00:01:21,890
I have to choose a font,
44
00:01:21,928 --> 00:01:23,251
spacing, columns...
45
00:01:23,289 --> 00:01:26,157
Okay, just update
your résumé, you ninny.
46
00:01:26,365 --> 00:01:28,379
- Did you call me a ninny?
- Yeah, I called you a ninny,
47
00:01:28,416 --> 00:01:30,142
'cause you're acting
like a ninny, you ninny!
48
00:01:30,169 --> 00:01:32,151
Don't call me a ninny,
I'm PMSing!
49
00:01:32,182 --> 00:01:33,620
Ah! Why would you...
yucky! No, no, no.
50
00:01:33,647 --> 00:01:34,825
- I don't want to hear it.
- It hurts.
51
00:01:34,854 --> 00:01:36,054
I feel like I've
laid a million eggs
52
00:01:36,085 --> 00:01:37,184
and they're all hatching.
53
00:01:37,308 --> 00:01:38,925
I feel like I
want to murder someone,
54
00:01:38,956 --> 00:01:40,827
and also I want soft pretzels.
55
00:01:40,849 --> 00:01:42,368
You know what?
I feel the same way.
56
00:01:42,396 --> 00:01:44,437
Shut up!
Shut up, you!
57
00:01:44,480 --> 00:01:45,943
'Cause I don't want to hear it!
58
00:01:45,970 --> 00:01:46,764
I've had it!
59
00:01:46,801 --> 00:01:48,135
If any of you cross me,
60
00:01:48,190 --> 00:01:51,348
I'm gonna kick the testicles
clean off your body!
61
00:01:51,440 --> 00:01:53,853
Clean off! You'll look like
Ken dolls down there.
62
00:01:53,886 --> 00:01:55,632
Because that's where
I'm at right now.
63
00:01:55,943 --> 00:01:58,011
Now which one of you guys
64
00:01:58,092 --> 00:02:01,509
wants to tell me to get a job?
65
00:02:01,623 --> 00:02:02,823
Hmm?
66
00:02:03,497 --> 00:02:07,139
Who wants to look me in the face
67
00:02:07,227 --> 00:02:10,027
and tell me to get a job?
68
00:02:10,058 --> 00:02:11,558
Whatever.
69
00:02:13,026 --> 00:02:14,299
"Whatever?"
70
00:02:14,339 --> 00:02:15,734
- What does that mean, huh?
- Whatever.
71
00:02:15,772 --> 00:02:18,237
It better mean,
"Whatever you say, Jess."
72
00:02:18,262 --> 00:02:20,818
I don't think it's fair
that women have an excuse
73
00:02:20,883 --> 00:02:23,185
once a month to act
irrationally angry
74
00:02:23,232 --> 00:02:25,332
when the rest of us have to
keep it together all the time.
75
00:02:25,351 --> 00:02:26,783
You're irrationally angry
76
00:02:26,854 --> 00:02:28,798
365 days a year, Nick.
77
00:02:28,823 --> 00:02:30,129
What are you talking about?
78
00:02:32,460 --> 00:02:34,295
I will push if I want to push!
79
00:02:34,362 --> 00:02:35,696
Come on!
80
00:02:38,103 --> 00:02:39,603
I hate doors!
81
00:02:39,634 --> 00:02:41,453
Really? Well, that's just
your personal opinion,
82
00:02:41,509 --> 00:02:42,742
'cause I don't
have anger issues.
83
00:02:42,786 --> 00:02:44,066
You guys think
I have anger issues?
84
00:02:44,084 --> 00:02:46,118
Well, I mean, I wouldn't
exactly call it an issue.
85
00:02:46,149 --> 00:02:47,649
An issue is something
you can fix.
86
00:02:47,664 --> 00:02:49,137
Been that way
since I can remember.
87
00:02:51,144 --> 00:02:52,697
This is some
watered-down nonsense.
88
00:02:52,735 --> 00:02:54,703
You're some no-good shysters!
89
00:02:58,525 --> 00:03:00,976
On an unrelated note, I've just
decided to take a walk.
90
00:03:01,512 --> 00:03:03,110
Fine! Leave!
91
00:03:03,517 --> 00:03:05,283
Now, if you'll excuse me,
gentlemen,
92
00:03:05,328 --> 00:03:08,290
I'm gonna go get a job,
like it's my...
93
00:03:08,350 --> 00:03:09,384
- Job?
- Shut up!
94
00:03:09,858 --> 00:03:11,370
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
95
00:03:11,395 --> 00:03:13,368
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ It's Jess. ♪
96
00:03:13,412 --> 00:03:18,178
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
97
00:03:24,672 --> 00:03:26,540
Please don't do that, sir.
Please.
98
00:03:26,565 --> 00:03:28,783
I would love to sit
by myself right now.
99
00:03:31,179 --> 00:03:33,609
There's something real
creepy about you, pal.
100
00:03:33,663 --> 00:03:36,031
You want to get weird?
Let's get weird.
101
00:03:41,791 --> 00:03:43,425
You got a nice face.
102
00:03:44,908 --> 00:03:46,241
Anger problem?
103
00:03:46,309 --> 00:03:47,803
Living with them?
Are you kidding me?
104
00:03:47,827 --> 00:03:48,994
It's frustrating.
105
00:03:49,024 --> 00:03:50,437
It's like...
just get a job.
106
00:03:50,468 --> 00:03:51,734
I like your hat.
107
00:03:51,914 --> 00:03:53,717
I like how it's not
a team or a logo,
108
00:03:53,748 --> 00:03:54,567
it's just blue.
109
00:03:54,612 --> 00:03:57,281
Would you rather be covered in
fish scales or feathers?
110
00:03:59,649 --> 00:04:00,744
Scales?
111
00:04:00,863 --> 00:04:02,296
Wow, you weirdo.
112
00:04:02,345 --> 00:04:04,870
You want to see me
jump really high?
113
00:04:05,292 --> 00:04:07,051
Ha! Ah ha!
114
00:04:07,077 --> 00:04:09,302
I'm afraid of dying, man.
115
00:04:11,473 --> 00:04:13,198
Who am I?!
116
00:04:13,235 --> 00:04:14,729
The enemy is en-e-my.
117
00:04:14,761 --> 00:04:17,606
The enemy is the inner me.
118
00:04:18,075 --> 00:04:19,831
Can you understand
a word I'm saying?
119
00:04:19,870 --> 00:04:21,944
You just nod at everything.
120
00:04:22,092 --> 00:04:23,659
I need to change.
121
00:04:23,777 --> 00:04:25,411
And you've showed me that.
122
00:04:25,716 --> 00:04:27,532
I have an anger problem.
123
00:04:27,913 --> 00:04:29,279
Thank you.
124
00:04:29,378 --> 00:04:30,709
Can I get a hug?
125
00:04:34,404 --> 00:04:36,110
- I've got a story for you guys.
- Ooh.
126
00:04:36,160 --> 00:04:37,593
I met someone at work.
127
00:04:38,858 --> 00:04:40,092
Emma Sharpe.
128
00:04:40,129 --> 00:04:41,890
Divisional VP of
all North America.
129
00:04:41,935 --> 00:04:43,285
Wh-What are you doing
in the break room?
130
00:04:43,329 --> 00:04:45,230
This break room is in
North America, isn't it?
131
00:04:45,298 --> 00:04:47,917
Sure. That means I'm the
Vice President of it.
132
00:04:51,655 --> 00:04:56,559
I am the Vice President
of everything in North America.
133
00:04:56,652 --> 00:04:58,614
That sounds like...
sexual harassment.
134
00:04:58,681 --> 00:05:00,883
Robby, there's a fine line
between sexual harassment
135
00:05:00,914 --> 00:05:03,097
- and something awesome.
- I thought you hated your co-workers.
136
00:05:03,140 --> 00:05:05,334
- You said they were a bunch of...
- Pant-suited corporate She-Hulks?
137
00:05:05,364 --> 00:05:06,184
Yeah, I know what I said.
138
00:05:06,219 --> 00:05:09,187
Emma is the craziest woman
to ever hit on me.
139
00:05:09,237 --> 00:05:10,775
Schmidt, you're
such a nice guy.
140
00:05:10,793 --> 00:05:12,944
- Thank you. - What you deserve
is a girl who respects you.
141
00:05:12,980 --> 00:05:14,241
- You know? A nice girl.
- Mm-hmm.
142
00:05:14,265 --> 00:05:16,266
I'm not into the nice thing,
Robby. Doesn't do it for me.
143
00:05:16,302 --> 00:05:17,685
- Well, that's what I thought, too.
- Yeah.
144
00:05:17,716 --> 00:05:20,547
You know, until I found, uh...
this one right here.
145
00:05:22,144 --> 00:05:22,811
You mean Cece?
146
00:05:22,823 --> 00:05:25,257
You think that I'm... nice?
147
00:05:25,569 --> 00:05:26,736
No.
148
00:05:26,804 --> 00:05:28,805
I think you're the nicest.
149
00:05:28,873 --> 00:05:30,417
- Mm.
- Hmm.
150
00:05:30,509 --> 00:05:32,576
Robby!
151
00:05:35,033 --> 00:05:36,760
Yes, the man just left.
152
00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:38,368
And he turned off the gas.
153
00:05:38,435 --> 00:05:40,182
Yeah, I'm refusing to
pay my gas bill
154
00:05:40,213 --> 00:05:41,180
as a matter of principle.
155
00:05:41,212 --> 00:05:42,219
You'd like me to
take the survey?
156
00:05:42,237 --> 00:05:43,638
Of course I'll take the survey.
157
00:05:44,091 --> 00:05:45,323
- Schmidt?
- Yeah, hold on.
158
00:05:45,345 --> 00:05:46,846
Can I share some thing
with you, man to man?
159
00:05:46,871 --> 00:05:48,902
Oh, I'm...
160
00:05:50,526 --> 00:05:52,527
You have to promise me
you will not laugh.
161
00:05:52,595 --> 00:05:54,128
Look, I'm... you're not
talking to Nick, here.
162
00:05:54,395 --> 00:05:55,484
You're talking to Schmidt.
163
00:05:55,507 --> 00:05:57,199
Schmidt, I think
I'm getting my period.
164
00:06:01,202 --> 00:06:02,202
Okay.
165
00:06:02,225 --> 00:06:04,327
This is a real thing, okay?
I looked it up on the Internet.
166
00:06:04,356 --> 00:06:06,224
It's called, uh,
"sympathy PMS," right?
167
00:06:06,273 --> 00:06:07,746
Now, apparently this
is an affliction
168
00:06:07,768 --> 00:06:09,624
that men suffer from
all the time.
169
00:06:09,761 --> 00:06:10,474
Right on.
170
00:06:10,515 --> 00:06:12,531
I don't know
how it happened, man,
171
00:06:12,694 --> 00:06:16,400
but somehow, I got on that
woman's cycle of menstruation...
172
00:06:16,783 --> 00:06:18,452
and I got that menstruation
inside of me.
173
00:06:18,485 --> 00:06:19,545
Winston!
174
00:06:19,576 --> 00:06:21,195
Men can't get their periods.
175
00:06:21,302 --> 00:06:22,440
Where would they
put the tampon?
176
00:06:22,489 --> 00:06:23,856
Hey! Are you calling me stupid?
177
00:06:23,924 --> 00:06:25,495
You're the one
that's stupid, okay?
178
00:06:25,519 --> 00:06:26,572
You jack-faced butthole!
179
00:06:26,590 --> 00:06:28,188
Who's the jack-faced butthole
180
00:06:28,219 --> 00:06:29,667
who turned off the hot water?!
181
00:06:29,692 --> 00:06:30,861
Witch!
What have you done to my body?
182
00:06:30,885 --> 00:06:32,052
Shut up, you!
183
00:06:32,303 --> 00:06:33,941
Why is there no hot water?!
184
00:06:33,978 --> 00:06:35,025
Oh, I'm sorry, Jess.
185
00:06:35,044 --> 00:06:36,794
If you don't pay,
you don't play.
186
00:06:37,018 --> 00:06:38,012
You also don't shower.
187
00:06:38,037 --> 00:06:39,270
Are you serious?
188
00:06:39,338 --> 00:06:40,988
- Thank you, Denise.
- Hey, hey!
189
00:06:41,012 --> 00:06:41,944
Hey, great buddies.
190
00:06:41,972 --> 00:06:43,328
- Ow, my skin!
- Okay.
191
00:06:43,393 --> 00:06:44,961
- Roommates... hey, buddy.
- Don't poke me.
192
00:06:45,653 --> 00:06:48,423
Something wonderful
happened to me today,
193
00:06:48,461 --> 00:06:50,830
and I am no longer angry.
It's gone.
194
00:06:50,855 --> 00:06:52,293
Oh, shut up, Nick.
195
00:06:52,343 --> 00:06:53,643
So let me get this straight:
196
00:06:53,685 --> 00:06:55,187
Nothing at all's
going to set you off?
197
00:06:55,218 --> 00:06:55,962
That's right.
198
00:06:55,988 --> 00:06:57,438
Nothing's gonna get to me,
199
00:06:57,476 --> 00:06:58,688
'cause it's a new Nick Miller.
200
00:06:58,712 --> 00:07:00,802
Awesome. Hey, Winston,
tell him what you have.
201
00:07:00,859 --> 00:07:02,953
Sympathy PMS.
It's a real thing, I looked it up.
202
00:07:02,979 --> 00:07:04,498
- Sympathy PMS? What's that?
- No!
203
00:07:04,533 --> 00:07:05,852
PMS is mine!
204
00:07:05,896 --> 00:07:07,377
Stop stealing my stuff, Winston.
205
00:07:07,397 --> 00:07:08,464
You're telling me you're having
206
00:07:08,532 --> 00:07:10,051
a pre-menstrual
something right now?
207
00:07:10,125 --> 00:07:11,576
- Yes.
- Okay.
208
00:07:11,618 --> 00:07:13,198
It's like a character
in a Judy Blume novel.
209
00:07:13,217 --> 00:07:14,679
No! You can't have my menzies.
210
00:07:14,735 --> 00:07:15,535
He's got her menzies.
211
00:07:15,553 --> 00:07:16,987
No part of this conversation
212
00:07:17,027 --> 00:07:19,178
is making me want to
boil over with rage.
213
00:07:19,230 --> 00:07:21,199
I feel really good, guys.
214
00:07:24,613 --> 00:07:26,213
Hey, gang, why is
the water so cold?
215
00:07:26,244 --> 00:07:27,421
Schmidt turned off
the hot water,
216
00:07:27,444 --> 00:07:29,319
because it's not enough that
I have to go on an interview
217
00:07:29,347 --> 00:07:30,847
with the red devil in my belly,
218
00:07:30,893 --> 00:07:32,724
I also have to go unshowered.
219
00:07:32,741 --> 00:07:34,885
There's
no hot water in the whole house?
220
00:07:34,905 --> 00:07:36,172
Yeah.
221
00:07:36,215 --> 00:07:36,971
Seems strange.
222
00:07:36,996 --> 00:07:38,597
Maybe a cold shower
will wake you up
223
00:07:38,621 --> 00:07:40,735
to some harsh financial
realities, Jessica Day.
224
00:07:40,750 --> 00:07:43,642
You don't control my heat,
Theodore P. Gasbag.
225
00:07:43,665 --> 00:07:44,367
This is good!
226
00:07:44,416 --> 00:07:45,983
We got a lot of
feelings going around.
227
00:07:46,036 --> 00:07:46,717
A lot of anger.
228
00:07:46,743 --> 00:07:48,277
And you. You...
229
00:07:48,475 --> 00:07:49,875
You're suddenly calm?
230
00:07:49,905 --> 00:07:51,105
- Yeah.
- Really?
231
00:07:51,224 --> 00:07:53,712
It feels like a fat man's
sitting on my uterus.
232
00:07:53,733 --> 00:07:54,583
I hear that.
233
00:07:56,940 --> 00:07:58,021
Gonna go to the store!
234
00:07:58,040 --> 00:07:59,891
Does anybody want anything?!
235
00:07:59,994 --> 00:08:01,740
Thank you, Denise.
236
00:08:04,164 --> 00:08:05,164
Hey, you wanted to see me?
237
00:08:05,232 --> 00:08:06,753
Shut the door.
238
00:08:08,100 --> 00:08:08,900
Whoa.
239
00:08:08,936 --> 00:08:11,137
Quick reflexes. Good.
240
00:08:11,562 --> 00:08:14,631
I am going to devour you.
241
00:08:14,728 --> 00:08:17,148
- You see that contract?
- Oh, the thick one?
242
00:08:17,337 --> 00:08:18,705
With all those tabbies?
243
00:08:20,947 --> 00:08:22,064
Do me on it.
244
00:08:22,214 --> 00:08:23,146
Pick that up.
245
00:08:23,171 --> 00:08:26,271
Did you just ask me to pick
it up to see me bend over?
246
00:08:26,346 --> 00:08:27,278
No.
247
00:08:27,962 --> 00:08:29,787
Oh, wait, I'm doing it.
248
00:08:29,988 --> 00:08:31,389
Stand up.
249
00:08:33,340 --> 00:08:34,108
What is this thing?
250
00:08:34,133 --> 00:08:36,214
You're gonna have to sign it before
anything can happen between us.
251
00:08:36,239 --> 00:08:37,733
"Party A absolves Party B
252
00:08:37,767 --> 00:08:39,700
"of any psychological trauma,
253
00:08:39,736 --> 00:08:42,105
whether temporary, permanent,
future or imagined."
254
00:08:42,141 --> 00:08:43,769
After we do what we do,
you're gonna want to talk.
255
00:08:43,801 --> 00:08:44,968
I can't allow that.
256
00:08:44,991 --> 00:08:46,784
The less risk I incur,
the more I can focus on
257
00:08:46,809 --> 00:08:49,465
creating a viable sexual
experience for both of us.
258
00:08:49,912 --> 00:08:51,761
You're gonna want to sign it.
259
00:08:52,019 --> 00:08:54,195
"Possible exposure
to lead paint."
260
00:08:54,262 --> 00:08:56,161
Do I have a latex allergy?
261
00:08:56,203 --> 00:08:56,929
That's very important.
262
00:08:56,954 --> 00:08:58,785
"Guaranteed mercury poisoning"?
263
00:08:58,815 --> 00:08:59,634
Mm.
264
00:08:59,682 --> 00:09:00,748
Is this real?
265
00:09:02,696 --> 00:09:05,231
You have till week's end
to sign it.
266
00:09:06,729 --> 00:09:08,449
What is your name?!
267
00:09:08,724 --> 00:09:10,095
I can't keep thinking of you
268
00:09:10,120 --> 00:09:12,120
as my magical best
friend with no name.
269
00:09:12,211 --> 00:09:14,276
Joe. Tommy.
270
00:09:14,480 --> 00:09:16,681
Louis. Tran.
271
00:09:17,674 --> 00:09:19,509
Is it Tran?
272
00:09:21,169 --> 00:09:22,403
What a crazy guess!
273
00:09:22,451 --> 00:09:24,418
Beautiful name.
Fits you perfectly.
274
00:09:24,663 --> 00:09:27,163
My roommates are killing me.
275
00:09:30,262 --> 00:09:31,080
Fine, you're right.
276
00:09:31,105 --> 00:09:32,132
Okay, I like them, all right?
277
00:09:32,163 --> 00:09:34,007
I hate myself. Is that
what you want me to say?
278
00:09:34,056 --> 00:09:36,719
Why do you always have to
make everything so simple?!
279
00:09:36,826 --> 00:09:38,427
How do you just get it?
280
00:09:38,701 --> 00:09:39,982
How do I become you?
281
00:09:40,026 --> 00:09:42,257
Show me the way, man.
I'll do anything.
282
00:09:46,975 --> 00:09:48,281
All right, man, I'm in.
283
00:09:48,302 --> 00:09:50,771
You lead, my man.
284
00:09:51,283 --> 00:09:53,918
All right, whatever is about
to happen's gonna happen.
285
00:10:12,037 --> 00:10:13,843
Jessica Day?
286
00:10:14,173 --> 00:10:15,740
So why do you want
to teach adults?
287
00:10:15,814 --> 00:10:18,162
I think it's really inspiring
that these people have chosen
288
00:10:18,186 --> 00:10:19,623
to go back to school, you know,
289
00:10:19,647 --> 00:10:21,895
that they want to read
To Kill A Mockingbird,
290
00:10:21,920 --> 00:10:23,032
- that they want...
- Oh!
291
00:10:23,077 --> 00:10:25,384
I named my dog Boo after...
292
00:10:25,414 --> 00:10:26,714
After Boo Radley?
293
00:10:26,746 --> 00:10:28,303
- Exactly.
- That's amazing.
294
00:10:28,352 --> 00:10:29,488
Oh, my God.
295
00:10:29,502 --> 00:10:30,423
She was a puppy.
296
00:10:30,448 --> 00:10:31,411
She's so cute.
297
00:10:31,448 --> 00:10:32,668
I know.
298
00:10:32,699 --> 00:10:34,166
Such a cutie.
299
00:10:43,866 --> 00:10:47,067
This cup is so tiny.
300
00:10:47,541 --> 00:10:49,563
So cute.
301
00:10:49,648 --> 00:10:51,381
Sorry, how did
she fit in the cup?
302
00:10:51,405 --> 00:10:52,513
I just don't understand.
303
00:10:52,538 --> 00:10:55,640
Just physically,
how did she get so small?
304
00:10:56,702 --> 00:10:58,540
I'm sorry, um...
305
00:10:58,609 --> 00:11:00,076
I'm sorry, I got this...
306
00:11:00,344 --> 00:11:01,644
I don't know what's wrong.
307
00:11:01,687 --> 00:11:02,640
So weird.
308
00:11:02,696 --> 00:11:04,675
Never happens to me.
309
00:11:05,099 --> 00:11:06,111
She's really cute.
310
00:11:06,146 --> 00:11:07,402
Yes, she was.
311
00:11:14,768 --> 00:11:16,037
Did she die?
312
00:11:16,115 --> 00:11:17,148
It's fine.
313
00:11:17,360 --> 00:11:18,493
It's been two years.
314
00:11:26,433 --> 00:11:29,314
Puppy...
315
00:11:30,232 --> 00:11:32,895
in a...
316
00:11:33,170 --> 00:11:34,837
cup.
317
00:11:38,768 --> 00:11:40,169
So...
318
00:11:40,197 --> 00:11:42,805
we're both dog people, right?
319
00:11:48,002 --> 00:11:49,559
Schmidt, am I nice?
320
00:11:49,599 --> 00:11:51,399
- No.
- Thank you.
321
00:11:52,694 --> 00:11:54,988
Nobody thinks
I'm a nice girl, okay?
322
00:11:55,012 --> 00:11:55,945
I'm the mistake.
323
00:11:55,996 --> 00:11:57,630
Ah, Robby.
324
00:11:57,654 --> 00:11:59,742
Midwestern heart,
Midwestern body.
325
00:11:59,780 --> 00:12:01,373
I'm the one
who messes things up.
326
00:12:01,394 --> 00:12:02,314
I agree with you.
327
00:12:02,339 --> 00:12:04,427
I feel like
he doesn't even know me.
328
00:12:06,379 --> 00:12:07,904
You're getting your smell
all over the comforter.
329
00:12:07,940 --> 00:12:08,743
Oh, my God.
330
00:12:08,774 --> 00:12:10,786
Took me months to get rid of
that heavenly curry smell.
331
00:12:10,811 --> 00:12:12,135
What happens when he realizes
332
00:12:12,168 --> 00:12:14,336
he was wrong about
me the entire time?
333
00:12:14,748 --> 00:12:15,814
He's just gonna run away.
334
00:12:15,851 --> 00:12:17,452
I would, I would
never run away from you.
335
00:12:18,999 --> 00:12:21,504
But if I did, I would run
way faster than Robby.
336
00:12:22,831 --> 00:12:24,532
'Cause he's slow.
337
00:12:24,799 --> 00:12:25,833
And I'm fast.
338
00:12:28,924 --> 00:12:32,025
Maybe I'm just not meant for
a functional relationship.
339
00:12:33,030 --> 00:12:33,967
You know me, Schmidt.
340
00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:36,726
You don't ever
have to be nice around me.
341
00:12:36,945 --> 00:12:38,045
I'm not scared of you.
342
00:12:38,110 --> 00:12:40,045
I mean, I'm bad.
343
00:12:41,760 --> 00:12:43,302
I do...
344
00:12:43,405 --> 00:12:45,782
I do bad things.
345
00:12:46,143 --> 00:12:48,006
I don't think
you're a nice girl.
346
00:12:48,613 --> 00:12:50,179
Think you're the worst.
347
00:12:58,391 --> 00:12:59,324
No.
348
00:12:59,348 --> 00:13:00,073
No...?
349
00:13:00,104 --> 00:13:02,638
No. I can't do
this to Robby.
350
00:13:02,701 --> 00:13:04,431
But you're a bad person.
We discussed that.
351
00:13:04,456 --> 00:13:06,464
- You're a bad person,
I'm a bad person. - Yep.
352
00:13:06,493 --> 00:13:08,160
We can totally do this.
No qualms.
353
00:13:08,197 --> 00:13:10,010
- I have a qualm. I have a qualm.
- You don't have a qualm.
354
00:13:10,042 --> 00:13:10,997
We sold our qualms,
355
00:13:11,022 --> 00:13:12,597
and we used the profits
to buy perfect bodies.
356
00:13:12,630 --> 00:13:14,666
- Robby is right.
- Hmm.
357
00:13:14,704 --> 00:13:16,679
- I'm nice.
- I'm not nice, all right?
358
00:13:16,716 --> 00:13:20,024
And I like Robby, but that is
doing nothing right now
359
00:13:20,075 --> 00:13:22,109
from stopping me
from wanting to kiss you.
360
00:13:22,164 --> 00:13:23,210
Stop, stop, stop, stop.
361
00:13:23,228 --> 00:13:24,829
But I-I don't want to stop.
362
00:13:24,902 --> 00:13:25,765
I really don't.
363
00:13:25,802 --> 00:13:27,821
I will never stop
wanting to kiss you.
364
00:13:28,024 --> 00:13:30,274
I am a monster.
365
00:13:31,643 --> 00:13:32,635
I got to go.
366
00:13:32,688 --> 00:13:34,022
Yeah, sure.
Have fun.
367
00:13:34,121 --> 00:13:36,234
Thank you. I really
needed this.
368
00:13:36,332 --> 00:13:37,232
Mm-hmm.
369
00:13:45,059 --> 00:13:46,434
And I...
370
00:13:50,403 --> 00:13:52,533
I'm a monster.
371
00:13:53,914 --> 00:13:55,081
Okay.
372
00:13:55,230 --> 00:13:56,818
What is this place?
373
00:13:57,040 --> 00:13:59,775
What are you...?
374
00:14:00,112 --> 00:14:01,713
What would you like?
375
00:14:01,781 --> 00:14:03,402
What does this mean?
376
00:14:03,559 --> 00:14:05,240
Let's not do this.
377
00:14:05,285 --> 00:14:07,404
Let's not take off our clothes.
378
00:14:07,435 --> 00:14:09,703
Let's go back to the park
where it was good...
379
00:14:17,095 --> 00:14:18,963
What do I know?
380
00:14:22,597 --> 00:14:25,300
We're taking our pants off?
381
00:14:26,873 --> 00:14:29,033
Okay. Keep those underwear on,
am I right?
382
00:14:29,096 --> 00:14:30,830
Yeah.
383
00:14:30,941 --> 00:14:32,976
Stay on.
Underwear good.
384
00:14:38,282 --> 00:14:40,950
Why are you cradling me
like a baby, friend?
385
00:14:40,994 --> 00:14:43,841
This is not how guys
of my generation hang out.
386
00:14:43,928 --> 00:14:47,809
This is a moment
that got away from me, man.
387
00:14:52,062 --> 00:14:54,030
Oh, that's my butt.
388
00:14:54,065 --> 00:14:56,200
This is intimate.
389
00:14:59,277 --> 00:15:01,578
How did you know?
390
00:15:06,830 --> 00:15:08,968
You are a huge baby.
391
00:15:08,992 --> 00:15:11,043
Yeah, I am.
392
00:15:11,517 --> 00:15:15,619
I am a huge baby.
393
00:15:15,950 --> 00:15:17,217
Forget it, I'm done.
394
00:15:17,272 --> 00:15:18,672
I'm not getting a teaching job.
395
00:15:18,709 --> 00:15:19,239
Mm.
396
00:15:19,257 --> 00:15:20,963
Just can't go back out there,
you know?
397
00:15:21,003 --> 00:15:22,270
Oh, I feel you, Jess.
398
00:15:22,457 --> 00:15:23,688
I took a sick day.
399
00:15:23,716 --> 00:15:26,716
I just stayed at home and did
a watercolor of mountains.
400
00:15:26,827 --> 00:15:28,828
So you gonna get this,
like, every month?
401
00:15:28,865 --> 00:15:30,826
I mean, it's a possibility
from all the information
402
00:15:30,857 --> 00:15:32,101
that I've read on the Internet.
403
00:15:32,182 --> 00:15:33,330
That women like you
404
00:15:33,346 --> 00:15:34,658
- are the alpha.
- What?
405
00:15:34,676 --> 00:15:37,332
You're like the powerful moon,
and all the women in your life
406
00:15:37,363 --> 00:15:40,065
are just latched on
to your cycle.
407
00:15:40,457 --> 00:15:43,665
In my case, grown-ass man.
408
00:15:44,239 --> 00:15:46,213
Oh, yeah, good news.
409
00:15:46,700 --> 00:15:47,999
The gang's all here.
410
00:15:48,024 --> 00:15:49,016
Guys just PMS-ing?
411
00:15:49,034 --> 00:15:49,779
Not in the mood today.
412
00:15:49,797 --> 00:15:51,248
Don't really feel like
being yelled at,
413
00:15:51,288 --> 00:15:52,789
so what I'm gonna do
is go ahead and leave,
414
00:15:52,818 --> 00:15:54,724
because right now I'm
feeling very fragile.
415
00:15:54,749 --> 00:15:55,402
I understand.
416
00:15:55,432 --> 00:15:56,306
What's wrong with you?
417
00:15:56,343 --> 00:15:57,594
I'm no longer angry!
418
00:15:57,725 --> 00:16:00,438
All the anger that used to
be inside of me is gone!
419
00:16:00,475 --> 00:16:01,915
It's gone, it's gone!
420
00:16:01,934 --> 00:16:04,635
This is the worst thing
I've ever seen.
421
00:16:05,447 --> 00:16:07,686
- What is wrong with you?
- No.
422
00:16:07,718 --> 00:16:08,881
Period's got you down?
423
00:16:08,899 --> 00:16:10,455
That is such a raw deal.
424
00:16:10,496 --> 00:16:11,990
Want me to get you
a sanitary napkin?
425
00:16:12,037 --> 00:16:13,104
Ew!
426
00:16:13,139 --> 00:16:14,096
Okay, I won't get that.
427
00:16:14,115 --> 00:16:15,909
But you're okay
with pads or tampons
428
00:16:15,941 --> 00:16:17,308
or whatever it is
that you're using?
429
00:16:18,376 --> 00:16:20,247
Tell me about your day, please.
430
00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:21,874
I want to get into
your universe.
431
00:16:21,913 --> 00:16:23,749
Let's rap it out. Go.
432
00:16:24,152 --> 00:16:25,724
Floor is yours, pal.
433
00:16:25,750 --> 00:16:27,275
Talk, talk, talk.
434
00:16:27,305 --> 00:16:28,169
I want to listen.
435
00:16:28,194 --> 00:16:30,032
- No.
- 30 seconds of direct eye contact?
436
00:16:30,057 --> 00:16:31,625
Stop it, Nick. Please, stop.
437
00:16:31,654 --> 00:16:32,687
In three seconds,
I'll be silent.
438
00:16:32,730 --> 00:16:34,564
One, two...
439
00:16:35,907 --> 00:16:37,460
I bombed all my interviews.
440
00:16:37,494 --> 00:16:38,774
What? What happened?
441
00:16:38,798 --> 00:16:41,830
I was sabotaged by my baby box,
442
00:16:41,898 --> 00:16:43,298
which means I'm never
443
00:16:43,316 --> 00:16:44,970
gonna trust anything
that comes out of it.
444
00:16:45,007 --> 00:16:47,008
So that rules out a family.
445
00:16:47,076 --> 00:16:49,377
I know just the thing you need.
446
00:16:49,514 --> 00:16:50,983
Come with me.
447
00:16:51,573 --> 00:16:54,537
Welcome to the wonderful world
of water massage.
448
00:17:01,400 --> 00:17:04,019
You are a piece of seaweed.
449
00:17:04,185 --> 00:17:06,362
You are totally happy.
450
00:17:06,393 --> 00:17:07,049
Ow!
451
00:17:07,076 --> 00:17:08,726
- I don't mean to touch your boobs!
- You're touching my boobs!
452
00:17:08,751 --> 00:17:09,584
I don't mean to
touch your boobs!
453
00:17:09,611 --> 00:17:10,811
Fail, fail, fail.
454
00:17:10,842 --> 00:17:11,942
The next move is...
455
00:17:11,966 --> 00:17:13,099
Oh, my...!
456
00:17:13,161 --> 00:17:15,595
Relaxing is important.
Relaxing is important.
457
00:17:19,367 --> 00:17:21,201
Relax!
458
00:17:21,512 --> 00:17:22,450
Oh, no.
459
00:17:22,471 --> 00:17:23,838
What are you trying to do?!
460
00:17:24,149 --> 00:17:24,812
Kill me?!
461
00:17:24,840 --> 00:17:26,440
It worked for me.
462
00:17:26,640 --> 00:17:28,269
I was trying to help you.
463
00:17:28,654 --> 00:17:31,003
I've been watching you
doubt yourself for months.
464
00:17:31,078 --> 00:17:33,153
- I'm not doubting myself.
- You're doubting yourself, Jess.
465
00:17:33,202 --> 00:17:35,679
- No, Nick, it's PMS.
- It's not PMS.
466
00:17:36,984 --> 00:17:38,718
You got knocked down.
467
00:17:38,786 --> 00:17:40,218
It's time to get back up.
468
00:17:40,686 --> 00:17:43,274
And get up long enough for
one of these bozos to hire you.
469
00:17:44,877 --> 00:17:46,878
I believe in you.
470
00:17:47,579 --> 00:17:48,987
So does that guy.
471
00:17:49,796 --> 00:17:50,962
Hey.
472
00:17:51,030 --> 00:17:52,463
Think you can do that?
473
00:17:52,875 --> 00:17:55,737
And if you don't, I'm gonna
water massage you again.
474
00:17:56,101 --> 00:17:57,796
- Can you do that?
- Yes.
475
00:17:57,815 --> 00:17:59,904
- Can you do that?
- Yes!
476
00:18:01,944 --> 00:18:03,246
Jessica Day?
477
00:18:03,374 --> 00:18:05,776
- Yes, I'm here.
- Weren't you here the other day?
478
00:18:05,844 --> 00:18:07,762
Weren't you here the other day?
479
00:18:08,478 --> 00:18:09,813
Yes, I was.
480
00:18:13,336 --> 00:18:16,620
Well, I signed it.
Please note the added provision.
481
00:18:16,894 --> 00:18:19,094
In any autobiographical
account of my life,
482
00:18:19,118 --> 00:18:22,174
you want to be referred to
as Moises Perdue.
483
00:18:22,211 --> 00:18:23,978
Non-negotiable.
484
00:18:24,190 --> 00:18:26,324
But you're fine
with the rest of it?
485
00:18:26,348 --> 00:18:28,906
Look, I'm a depraved freak,
and I want to wander into
486
00:18:28,930 --> 00:18:31,065
your Narnia of sexual terror
487
00:18:31,105 --> 00:18:33,930
and emerge
like a freshly birthed calf.
488
00:18:34,574 --> 00:18:35,441
Put your hands out.
489
00:18:35,495 --> 00:18:37,103
Let's do this.
490
00:18:38,738 --> 00:18:40,012
Are you ready?
491
00:18:42,208 --> 00:18:43,809
I'm ready.
All right.
492
00:18:43,896 --> 00:18:44,941
Oh, yeah.
493
00:18:46,618 --> 00:18:47,386
Okay.
494
00:18:47,454 --> 00:18:48,574
Interesting technique.
495
00:18:50,085 --> 00:18:50,742
Hold tight.
496
00:18:50,766 --> 00:18:53,298
I mean, I could totally
get out of this.
497
00:18:53,415 --> 00:18:55,150
What, have you never
bound somebody before?
498
00:18:55,312 --> 00:18:56,445
I got to start over.
499
00:18:56,564 --> 00:18:57,983
This your first time?
500
00:19:01,165 --> 00:19:02,467
Are you rejecting me?
501
00:19:02,534 --> 00:19:04,101
No, I-- no.
502
00:19:04,481 --> 00:19:05,225
I mean...
503
00:19:05,250 --> 00:19:08,919
Because legally...
you can't.
504
00:19:12,094 --> 00:19:13,495
Now take off your pants.
505
00:19:14,126 --> 00:19:14,759
Okay.
506
00:19:14,845 --> 00:19:15,746
Now.
507
00:19:15,813 --> 00:19:17,213
All right, all right.
508
00:19:19,741 --> 00:19:22,200
I got it. I got it.
509
00:19:22,278 --> 00:19:23,878
Right there. Oh.
510
00:19:23,989 --> 00:19:25,041
No, I got it.
511
00:19:25,070 --> 00:19:26,304
Hold on, I got it.
512
00:19:26,360 --> 00:19:29,227
I did it. I did it.
513
00:19:29,426 --> 00:19:30,426
Ladies and gentlemen,
514
00:19:30,494 --> 00:19:31,813
drumroll please.
515
00:19:33,797 --> 00:19:35,665
Cut! Cut, Nick!
516
00:19:35,701 --> 00:19:36,426
Snare drum.
517
00:19:36,463 --> 00:19:37,669
I shouldn't have to specify.
518
00:19:37,754 --> 00:19:39,979
- Jess, that was a cymbal.
- Cymbals are part of the drum kit.
519
00:19:40,016 --> 00:19:40,748
Yeah.
520
00:19:40,794 --> 00:19:43,130
Nevertheless, we are gathered
here today to celebrate
521
00:19:43,148 --> 00:19:45,993
the reemployment
of Jessica F. Day.
522
00:19:46,028 --> 00:19:48,522
- Not my middle initial.
- Who will once again
523
00:19:48,547 --> 00:19:51,127
be in the classroom, molding
the minds of children.
524
00:19:51,167 --> 00:19:54,103
Actually, I'm gonna be remolding
the minds of grown-ups,
525
00:19:54,132 --> 00:19:56,434
'cause I'm gonna be teaching
creative writing to adults.
526
00:19:56,463 --> 00:19:57,596
So, what, are you
gonna be, like,
527
00:19:57,634 --> 00:19:58,901
reading a bunch of
weirdos' writing?
528
00:19:58,927 --> 00:20:00,510
Well, I hope you like
stories about vampires
529
00:20:00,540 --> 00:20:02,023
- and bad childhoods.
- I do.
530
00:20:02,068 --> 00:20:03,356
- You're gonna get them.
- In any case,
531
00:20:03,387 --> 00:20:06,318
I think I speak for all of us
when I say that we are thrilled
532
00:20:06,343 --> 00:20:09,012
that you will once again have
a reason to shower daily.
533
00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:10,091
Yes.
534
00:20:10,233 --> 00:20:13,435
Now, let there be gas.
535
00:20:13,722 --> 00:20:15,223
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
536
00:20:15,243 --> 00:20:16,468
Ah, yeah!
537
00:20:16,523 --> 00:20:19,373
- Gonna be hot water in six to ten
minutes, fool! What?! - Yeah!
538
00:20:24,946 --> 00:20:26,880
Schmidt! Schmidt!
539
00:20:26,948 --> 00:20:28,114
Schmidt! Schmidt! Schmidt!
540
00:20:28,182 --> 00:20:29,770
- Where's Winston?
- Where is Winston?
541
00:20:29,813 --> 00:20:31,146
- Go get Winston!
- Where is he?
542
00:20:31,176 --> 00:20:33,210
Schmidt! Schmidt!
Schmidt! Schmidt!
543
00:20:33,234 --> 00:20:34,900
Schmidt! Schmidt! Schmidt!
544
00:20:34,937 --> 00:20:36,784
Schmidt! Schmidt!
545
00:20:36,857 --> 00:20:38,478
Come on, jump around with us.
546
00:20:38,525 --> 00:20:40,420
Come jump with us, Winston.
547
00:20:40,471 --> 00:20:42,104
Sleepy eyes.
548
00:20:42,149 --> 00:20:43,223
Hey.
549
00:20:43,755 --> 00:20:45,329
What's going on, man?
550
00:20:48,210 --> 00:20:49,885
I don't really have PMS.
551
00:20:50,101 --> 00:20:52,536
I know. You're a man.
552
00:20:56,307 --> 00:20:58,042
I miss Shelby.
553
00:20:58,527 --> 00:21:00,328
This is all about your breakup?
554
00:21:01,946 --> 00:21:03,740
I know just the thing you need.
555
00:21:03,809 --> 00:21:04,853
Oh, no.
556
00:21:04,900 --> 00:21:06,334
Just relax and breathe.
557
00:21:06,378 --> 00:21:07,476
I'll take your shoulders.
558
00:21:07,507 --> 00:21:08,756
I'll take your feet.
559
00:21:08,952 --> 00:21:10,520
This is really weird, man.
560
00:21:10,588 --> 00:21:11,721
Really weird.
561
00:21:11,789 --> 00:21:12,822
Cool vibe, man.
562
00:21:12,890 --> 00:21:15,925
What are you guys doing now?
563
00:21:15,993 --> 00:21:17,755
What have I gotten myself into?
564
00:21:17,773 --> 00:21:18,880
Hey, lady,
565
00:21:19,105 --> 00:21:20,546
crushing that flute, babe.
566
00:21:21,097 --> 00:21:22,228
And breathe.
567
00:21:22,295 --> 00:21:23,794
Okay, I'm trying.
I'm gonna do that.
568
00:21:23,813 --> 00:21:24,831
Whoa.
Just chill out.
569
00:21:24,849 --> 00:21:26,712
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
What are you doing with my legs?
570
00:21:26,746 --> 00:21:28,283
No! Come on!
Come on, chill out!
571
00:21:29,439 --> 00:21:30,672
Nick, what are you doing, man?!
572
00:21:30,740 --> 00:21:32,007
Reset. Let's reset.
573
00:21:32,124 --> 00:21:33,428
This is weird!
574
00:21:33,975 --> 00:21:36,056
No! No! No!
575
00:21:37,044 --> 00:21:42,044
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www.addic7ed.com
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