1 00:00:04,535 --> 00:00:07,337 Oh, my God! 2 00:00:16,549 --> 00:00:19,065 Oh, you kissed her! You idiot! 3 00:00:19,248 --> 00:00:21,053 You... 4 00:00:30,393 --> 00:00:31,851 No, no, no. 5 00:00:31,876 --> 00:00:33,732 I wasn't doing anything. I wasn't. No, no, no. 6 00:00:33,764 --> 00:00:35,697 I wasn't doing anything, I wasn't doing anything, I... 7 00:00:35,746 --> 00:00:37,112 Do not walk away from me. 8 00:00:37,511 --> 00:00:39,157 Do not. You are not. 9 00:00:39,182 --> 00:00:41,016 You're doing it. Nick? 10 00:00:41,042 --> 00:00:42,608 - Shamone. - He did. 11 00:00:52,907 --> 00:00:54,008 Oh. 12 00:00:54,068 --> 00:00:56,003 Ugh, my God. 13 00:00:56,307 --> 00:00:57,403 Oh, I just woke up. 14 00:00:57,440 --> 00:00:59,641 I've been sleeping for hours and hours. 15 00:00:59,669 --> 00:01:01,490 Nice. Me, too. 16 00:01:01,571 --> 00:01:03,309 Let's see here. 17 00:01:04,326 --> 00:01:07,159 Oh, sweet. Ten e-mails. 18 00:01:10,510 --> 00:01:12,912 Hey, Sam, um... 19 00:01:13,466 --> 00:01:14,500 I have to tell you something. 20 00:01:14,524 --> 00:01:17,625 How do you always look so beautiful in the morning? 21 00:01:17,672 --> 00:01:19,338 Sometimes I can't even look at you. 22 00:01:19,362 --> 00:01:21,096 I can't even-- I got to look away. 23 00:01:21,275 --> 00:01:22,602 I can't even look at you right now. 24 00:01:22,623 --> 00:01:24,875 Wait, but I got to. Now I got to look away. 25 00:01:24,977 --> 00:01:26,812 I just can't resist. Oh, geez. 26 00:01:28,454 --> 00:01:30,196 What were you gonna say? 27 00:01:32,051 --> 00:01:33,284 Nothing. 28 00:01:33,321 --> 00:01:34,854 It was nothing. 29 00:01:37,324 --> 00:01:39,389 - Jess? - Nick kissed me. 30 00:01:40,392 --> 00:01:43,294 Wha...?! 31 00:01:43,910 --> 00:01:45,487 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ 32 00:01:45,518 --> 00:01:46,451 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ 33 00:01:46,477 --> 00:01:47,544 ♪ It's Jess. ♪ 34 00:01:47,589 --> 00:01:50,857 Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com Resync for WEB-DL by Norther 35 00:01:52,485 --> 00:01:54,821 Oh, man. Okay. 36 00:01:54,859 --> 00:01:57,493 I had the best sex of my life last night. 37 00:01:57,515 --> 00:01:58,983 Winston, I'm glad you're here. We need to talk. 38 00:01:59,010 --> 00:02:00,174 Yeah. Daisy said I was pretty good. 39 00:02:00,209 --> 00:02:02,110 You hear that? Pretty good! 40 00:02:02,146 --> 00:02:03,071 This is important. 41 00:02:03,107 --> 00:02:04,674 And I ain't even use my hands. 42 00:02:04,735 --> 00:02:05,775 You didn't use your hands? 43 00:02:05,824 --> 00:02:07,114 Well, just I did a lot of side stuff. 44 00:02:07,139 --> 00:02:08,357 Okay, Winston, you're killing me. 45 00:02:08,387 --> 00:02:09,745 I really need to talk to you, 46 00:02:09,764 --> 00:02:11,664 and now after hearing that, I can barely look at you. 47 00:02:11,689 --> 00:02:13,433 Well, I got my mojo back, baby! 48 00:02:13,490 --> 00:02:15,624 I'm the Mojo Man! 49 00:02:15,661 --> 00:02:18,263 Mojo Man, Mojo Man. I like the sound of that. 50 00:02:18,286 --> 00:02:20,131 Yeah, we're not gonna be getting to my thing, are we? 51 00:02:20,169 --> 00:02:21,467 Mo-Mo-Mojo Man. 52 00:02:21,486 --> 00:02:22,611 I got to tell Sam. 53 00:02:22,665 --> 00:02:23,813 I can't tell Sam! 54 00:02:23,838 --> 00:02:25,338 I didn't even do anything wrong! 55 00:02:25,435 --> 00:02:26,535 Nick kissed me! 56 00:02:26,559 --> 00:02:28,431 I didn't even kiss him back! 57 00:02:28,714 --> 00:02:30,541 Okay, fine! I kissed him back! 58 00:02:30,569 --> 00:02:31,789 Is that what you want me to say? 59 00:02:31,807 --> 00:02:33,279 I literally haven't said a word 60 00:02:33,310 --> 00:02:34,332 for, like, over an hour. 61 00:02:34,357 --> 00:02:36,089 And now he won't even talk to me, 62 00:02:36,112 --> 00:02:37,379 'cause I saw him this morning 63 00:02:37,397 --> 00:02:39,442 and he just panic moonwalked away from me. 64 00:02:39,466 --> 00:02:40,815 - He what? - He does that sometimes. 65 00:02:41,874 --> 00:02:44,094 Man. Terrorism. 66 00:02:47,117 --> 00:02:48,860 And then... ha! 67 00:02:48,894 --> 00:02:50,676 Nick just... He just... 68 00:02:50,725 --> 00:02:51,725 Kisses you. 69 00:02:51,793 --> 00:02:53,193 Stupid Nick Miller. 70 00:02:53,217 --> 00:02:54,129 How was it? Was it...? 71 00:02:54,149 --> 00:02:55,642 I was like Scarlett O'Hara 72 00:02:55,663 --> 00:02:57,464 in my freaking curtain dress... 73 00:02:57,493 --> 00:02:58,508 How did he do it? 74 00:02:58,532 --> 00:03:00,369 - He just, like, grabbed me. - Uh-huh. 75 00:03:00,393 --> 00:03:02,228 - And he just took me. - Oh, yeah. 76 00:03:02,258 --> 00:03:04,166 I mean, he was a man and I was a woman. 77 00:03:04,204 --> 00:03:06,694 - Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. - It was firm, but tender. 78 00:03:06,731 --> 00:03:08,111 - Oh, damn. - Yeah, I mean, 79 00:03:08,130 --> 00:03:09,994 I saw thorough space and time for a minute, 80 00:03:10,012 --> 00:03:11,350 but that's not the point. 81 00:03:11,378 --> 00:03:12,665 Oh, man! 82 00:03:12,683 --> 00:03:13,702 Are you okay? 83 00:03:13,736 --> 00:03:15,421 I miss sex! 84 00:03:15,449 --> 00:03:18,556 I've been on dates set up by my mother for the past month. 85 00:03:18,579 --> 00:03:20,296 - Mm. - I mean, what are you gonna do? 86 00:03:20,320 --> 00:03:22,054 I mean, do you... 87 00:03:22,189 --> 00:03:23,165 like Nick? 88 00:03:23,203 --> 00:03:25,071 Ah! Bah! 89 00:03:25,101 --> 00:03:26,034 Mm-hmm. 90 00:03:26,059 --> 00:03:27,759 Nah! Neh? 91 00:03:28,127 --> 00:03:29,196 Nick? 92 00:03:30,653 --> 00:03:31,686 No. 93 00:03:33,139 --> 00:03:34,683 I don't like Nick. 94 00:03:34,706 --> 00:03:35,814 - Mm-hmm. - I like Sam, 'cause 95 00:03:35,845 --> 00:03:37,723 Sam's the kind of guy who fixes things 96 00:03:37,739 --> 00:03:39,314 that you didn't even know were broken. 97 00:03:39,331 --> 00:03:41,032 And Nick is the type of guy 98 00:03:41,080 --> 00:03:44,548 who breaks things... that are... 99 00:03:44,676 --> 00:03:46,043 He breaks things! 100 00:03:46,111 --> 00:03:47,411 Look at that. It's for my grandma. 101 00:03:47,423 --> 00:03:49,563 Wow, that's... oh, no. 102 00:03:49,594 --> 00:03:51,128 - No, no, no, no, no, no. - What are you-- Nick! 103 00:03:51,149 --> 00:03:53,837 - No, let me just... Okay, here, it's fine. - Nick, Nick, what are you...? No! 104 00:03:53,866 --> 00:03:55,499 Nick, what are you...? 105 00:03:55,898 --> 00:03:58,476 I think those belong back on it. 106 00:03:58,667 --> 00:04:01,148 He is not getting in the way of me and Sam. 107 00:04:01,193 --> 00:04:03,027 He is not ruining this. 108 00:04:03,063 --> 00:04:04,200 - Mm. - So mad at him. 109 00:04:04,219 --> 00:04:05,519 I can't even be around him. 110 00:04:05,632 --> 00:04:07,028 Can I just spend the day with you? 111 00:04:07,061 --> 00:04:08,428 Oh. 112 00:04:08,865 --> 00:04:10,499 Well, um... 113 00:04:10,615 --> 00:04:14,024 Okay, I didn't tell you this before, actually, but, uh... 114 00:04:14,865 --> 00:04:15,903 Cece is going to 115 00:04:15,927 --> 00:04:17,541 an Indian marriage convention today 116 00:04:17,558 --> 00:04:19,357 to find herself a brown husband. 117 00:04:19,408 --> 00:04:20,509 Now, little does she know 118 00:04:20,534 --> 00:04:23,098 that I have signed up for the same convention. 119 00:04:23,145 --> 00:04:24,778 Gentlemen, there is nothing that says 120 00:04:24,802 --> 00:04:26,521 white men need not apply. 121 00:04:26,540 --> 00:04:28,319 You look like the fortune teller in Big. 122 00:04:28,348 --> 00:04:29,839 Wait a second, is it in the loft? 123 00:04:29,865 --> 00:04:31,146 Yes, Nick. 124 00:04:31,171 --> 00:04:34,252 The West Coast's premiere Indian singles event, 125 00:04:34,289 --> 00:04:36,778 where 300 eligible Rajput Indians get together 126 00:04:36,809 --> 00:04:38,866 to see if they should get arranged-married to each other, 127 00:04:38,903 --> 00:04:39,973 is in our loft. 128 00:04:40,011 --> 00:04:41,536 So if it's not, then I'm coming with. 129 00:04:41,554 --> 00:04:43,492 I'm in, Schmidty. You finally got company. 130 00:04:43,530 --> 00:04:45,795 - I'm coming. Let's do it. - The Mojo Man is in, too. 131 00:04:45,827 --> 00:04:47,358 Mojo Man, Mojo Man. 132 00:04:47,379 --> 00:04:48,913 Okay, neither of you are coming. 133 00:04:48,943 --> 00:04:50,505 I've been studying up for a full week. 134 00:04:50,538 --> 00:04:52,169 I can actually speak conversational Hindi. 135 00:04:52,214 --> 00:04:54,442 If that conversation is: "Hello." "Hello." 136 00:04:54,463 --> 00:04:56,101 "Samosa?" "Yes, please, Samosa." 137 00:04:56,138 --> 00:04:57,478 "More towels?" "Do you know where 138 00:04:57,496 --> 00:04:58,893 the white person's toilet is?" 139 00:04:58,920 --> 00:05:00,418 After that, it gets very confusing. 140 00:05:00,429 --> 00:05:01,841 Can you drive in that dress? 141 00:05:02,115 --> 00:05:02,997 You're right, I can't. 142 00:05:03,022 --> 00:05:05,091 - All right, you're driving. Let's go. - Yeah! 143 00:05:10,758 --> 00:05:12,359 Hi, I'm-I'm checking in. 144 00:05:12,545 --> 00:05:13,929 My name's Cecilia Parikh. 145 00:05:13,953 --> 00:05:14,785 This is my best friend. 146 00:05:14,804 --> 00:05:16,518 She's just, she's just here to watch. 147 00:05:16,544 --> 00:05:17,696 All must participate. 148 00:05:17,721 --> 00:05:20,130 We've had a lot of trouble with watchers. 149 00:05:23,310 --> 00:05:24,942 You participate or you go home. 150 00:05:26,533 --> 00:05:28,932 All right, you know what? What the hell. 151 00:05:28,983 --> 00:05:30,805 You're going to have to fill out a questionnaire. 152 00:05:30,830 --> 00:05:32,631 Information, education, resume. 153 00:05:33,805 --> 00:05:34,742 Done. 154 00:05:35,073 --> 00:05:36,674 Thank you. 155 00:05:39,464 --> 00:05:41,508 What the hell are you guys doing here? 156 00:05:41,527 --> 00:05:43,680 You look like a character from The Love Guru. 157 00:05:43,692 --> 00:05:45,125 Aw, thank you. 158 00:05:45,757 --> 00:05:46,557 Hello. 159 00:05:46,565 --> 00:05:48,469 I'd like to check in with my two friends here. 160 00:05:48,494 --> 00:05:50,567 Look, we are not Indian, but you cannot turn us away, 161 00:05:50,592 --> 00:05:53,559 because I read the Website vigorously, kumari. 162 00:05:53,607 --> 00:05:54,786 - Oh, God. - That means "miss." 163 00:05:54,816 --> 00:05:55,685 My friend right there? 164 00:05:55,716 --> 00:05:57,644 Yeah, he's a vakeel. That means "lawyer." 165 00:05:57,675 --> 00:05:58,970 I dropped out of ka-heel school. 166 00:05:59,020 --> 00:06:00,387 It's vakeel, man. 167 00:06:01,981 --> 00:06:04,694 - What are you doing here? - Oh, no. I just-- uh, yeah... 168 00:06:05,443 --> 00:06:06,475 Oh! 169 00:06:07,184 --> 00:06:08,984 Nick, you're embarrassing me. 170 00:06:10,658 --> 00:06:12,424 Nick, what are you doing? 171 00:06:14,696 --> 00:06:16,078 Nick, Nick. 172 00:06:16,412 --> 00:06:18,144 N-N-N-Nick, what are you doing? 173 00:06:18,183 --> 00:06:19,976 Stop moonwalking, man. 174 00:06:20,095 --> 00:06:22,193 Man, you have been weird all morning. 175 00:06:22,228 --> 00:06:24,095 Hey, look, I kissed Jess. 176 00:06:26,839 --> 00:06:28,195 Say what you're gonna say. 177 00:06:28,262 --> 00:06:30,730 Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! 178 00:06:31,365 --> 00:06:32,700 Whoo! 179 00:06:33,211 --> 00:06:34,579 I thought that's what you were gonna say. 180 00:06:34,603 --> 00:06:35,730 I don't want a new roommate. 181 00:06:35,761 --> 00:06:37,635 Look, don't... She's not moving out. 182 00:06:37,651 --> 00:06:39,207 I'm not talking about her. Hell no, not her! 183 00:06:39,226 --> 00:06:40,470 I'm talking about you. 184 00:06:40,489 --> 00:06:41,722 When this thing blows up in your face-- 185 00:06:41,744 --> 00:06:43,344 and it will blow up in your face, Nick-- 186 00:06:43,352 --> 00:06:44,452 you're the one moving out. 187 00:06:44,491 --> 00:06:46,210 You think I like living with you? 188 00:06:46,220 --> 00:06:48,797 You have centipedes living under your bed! 189 00:06:48,815 --> 00:06:50,842 - Those weren't centipedes. - You've named your testicles, 190 00:06:50,860 --> 00:06:52,767 - and they're both named Sharon. - Yeah, so what? 191 00:06:52,792 --> 00:06:54,823 I can't believe you kissed Jess! Man, what were you thinking? 192 00:06:54,849 --> 00:06:56,632 Look, man, I wasn't thinking anything. 193 00:06:58,046 --> 00:07:00,164 Nick, just apologize and make it right, all right? 194 00:07:02,179 --> 00:07:04,981 All right. That's what I'm gonna do. 195 00:07:07,540 --> 00:07:08,602 Oh, Sharon! 196 00:07:08,635 --> 00:07:09,680 - Get! Just... - Get...? 197 00:07:09,705 --> 00:07:10,743 Get over here now. 198 00:07:10,768 --> 00:07:12,169 Wait. What? 199 00:07:12,304 --> 00:07:14,406 You told me you had moved on. 200 00:07:14,436 --> 00:07:17,137 Only people who haven't moved on say things like that. 201 00:07:17,561 --> 00:07:19,629 I'm a squirrel. You're my nut. 202 00:07:19,646 --> 00:07:21,421 Winter's coming. I'm gonna store you in my cheek, girl. 203 00:07:21,441 --> 00:07:23,070 Please leave. 204 00:07:23,088 --> 00:07:26,522 You and I not being together does not make sense to me. 205 00:07:27,175 --> 00:07:28,576 I miss your body 206 00:07:28,599 --> 00:07:30,085 and the things I used to do to it. 207 00:07:30,100 --> 00:07:31,509 - Schmidt. - I'm talking about sex. 208 00:07:31,528 --> 00:07:35,900 Today is about me finding someone within my own culture 209 00:07:35,937 --> 00:07:37,831 that I can build my life with. 210 00:07:37,851 --> 00:07:39,652 It's about more than sex. 211 00:07:39,671 --> 00:07:43,004 Our sex was about more than sex. 212 00:07:43,360 --> 00:07:45,630 It was about history and memory 213 00:07:45,666 --> 00:07:47,844 and thousands of years of colonial suffering 214 00:07:47,866 --> 00:07:50,716 all being released in one moment of pure ecstasy. 215 00:07:50,734 --> 00:07:53,492 Then why did the sex always end with you yelling, 216 00:07:53,515 --> 00:07:55,516 "Blammo, that happened"? 217 00:07:56,539 --> 00:07:57,607 Blammo. 218 00:07:58,620 --> 00:08:00,354 Thank you. 219 00:08:02,393 --> 00:08:03,127 Hey. 220 00:08:03,138 --> 00:08:04,978 Oh, you can walk normally now, I see. 221 00:08:04,996 --> 00:08:06,363 I'm sorry I kissed you. 222 00:08:07,102 --> 00:08:08,469 Well, oh, wow. 223 00:08:08,489 --> 00:08:09,714 That was unexpected. 224 00:08:10,318 --> 00:08:11,219 Thanks, Nick. 225 00:08:11,341 --> 00:08:13,066 - You know what, it was a mistake. - I feel better. 226 00:08:13,091 --> 00:08:14,714 - 'Cause, yeah, I was feeling awkward. - Yeah, good. 227 00:08:14,723 --> 00:08:15,754 Right. 228 00:08:15,779 --> 00:08:17,603 You were acting a little bit weird, but honestly, for me, 229 00:08:17,625 --> 00:08:19,131 it was, like, a nothing kiss. 230 00:08:19,143 --> 00:08:20,997 You know, it was like kissing a cousin. 231 00:08:21,015 --> 00:08:23,284 It was so nonsexual and nothing. 232 00:08:23,431 --> 00:08:26,167 Well... I think it meant something. 233 00:08:26,302 --> 00:08:28,170 You know, to you, 'cause you kissed me. 234 00:08:28,556 --> 00:08:29,941 Mm-mm. 235 00:08:30,445 --> 00:08:32,568 I think you can admit it meant something to you, Nick. 236 00:08:32,576 --> 00:08:34,677 Oh, no, I-I'm telling you, it meant nothing to me. 237 00:08:34,695 --> 00:08:36,086 - I think it did. - No, no. 238 00:08:36,105 --> 00:08:37,930 I do things I don't mean all the time. 239 00:08:37,961 --> 00:08:39,261 Like this. You see this? Bottle of water. 240 00:08:39,841 --> 00:08:42,193 Why did I do that? I don't know. It doesn't mean anything. 241 00:08:42,218 --> 00:08:44,571 I think you can admit that it meant something to you. 242 00:08:44,597 --> 00:08:46,893 - Hey, Jessica, it didn't. - Hmm. 243 00:08:46,905 --> 00:08:49,484 It was a drinking game, and I was finishing the game. 244 00:08:49,506 --> 00:08:51,398 Yeah, but it happened after the game 245 00:08:51,466 --> 00:08:52,821 when it meant something. 246 00:08:52,886 --> 00:08:55,303 - Oh, so it meant something to you? - What? 247 00:08:55,333 --> 00:08:57,139 - It meant something to you. - No, don't... 248 00:08:57,158 --> 00:08:59,253 If you think some stupid, terrible kiss... 249 00:08:59,266 --> 00:09:01,107 - You're thinking about it right now! - No! 250 00:09:01,138 --> 00:09:03,387 - I'm calling Sam and... - Oh, you're calling Sam right now? 251 00:09:03,419 --> 00:09:05,132 He's gonna come here and pick me up, 252 00:09:05,171 --> 00:09:06,813 - and, uh, we're leaving. - Oh, you are? 253 00:09:06,843 --> 00:09:09,686 Why are you running away? Because it meant something? 254 00:09:10,242 --> 00:09:11,976 We're not going anywhere. 255 00:09:13,250 --> 00:09:14,670 Meant nothing, Nick! 256 00:09:14,791 --> 00:09:16,839 Please look at the numbers on your name tags 257 00:09:16,873 --> 00:09:19,349 and go to the table with the corresponding numbers. 258 00:09:19,380 --> 00:09:20,644 These are your groupings. 259 00:09:20,675 --> 00:09:23,448 People with similar resumes and education backgrounds 260 00:09:23,479 --> 00:09:24,636 have been grouped together. 261 00:09:24,656 --> 00:09:27,091 34, 34, thir... 262 00:09:27,243 --> 00:09:28,699 Table 34! 263 00:09:29,060 --> 00:09:30,509 We're at the same table! 264 00:09:30,540 --> 00:09:33,004 - So this is rock bottom. - I mean, call me crazy, 265 00:09:33,016 --> 00:09:34,959 but I think we're all getting married tonight. 266 00:09:34,986 --> 00:09:37,054 - Yeah, um... - The money table right here, Table 34! 267 00:09:37,076 --> 00:09:38,870 Hi, excuse me, I think that there's been 268 00:09:38,890 --> 00:09:40,977 just a little bit of a mistake with the tables. 269 00:09:41,002 --> 00:09:42,663 Over 30, no advanced degrees, 270 00:09:42,692 --> 00:09:44,912 part-time employment: Table 34. 271 00:09:44,991 --> 00:09:47,495 No, see, actually, I'm-I'm a professional model. 272 00:09:47,526 --> 00:09:48,639 I'm not famous or anything, 273 00:09:48,670 --> 00:09:50,916 but I was in Lil Wayne's last video. 274 00:09:50,971 --> 00:09:54,046 I was the girl he was throwing strawberries at in slow motion. 275 00:09:56,532 --> 00:09:58,333 Definitely Table 34. 276 00:10:01,521 --> 00:10:02,554 Excuse me? 277 00:10:02,579 --> 00:10:04,657 Uh, I didn't get assigned a table. 278 00:10:04,689 --> 00:10:06,998 Now, I know exactly what this is about... 279 00:10:07,029 --> 00:10:09,169 But I did assign you a seat. 280 00:10:09,813 --> 00:10:12,413 This one. Lap number one. 281 00:10:13,357 --> 00:10:15,459 Okay, so this is not a racial thing? 282 00:10:15,489 --> 00:10:16,856 Not yet, it isn't. 283 00:10:17,042 --> 00:10:18,609 Ah. 284 00:10:18,640 --> 00:10:20,173 I see what's happening here. 285 00:10:20,890 --> 00:10:21,991 You're feeling my mojo. 286 00:10:22,028 --> 00:10:25,361 You look like a jumpy cat, and I like that. 287 00:10:26,314 --> 00:10:28,702 Ooh, I like that. 288 00:10:29,845 --> 00:10:32,120 Like oversized blueberries. 289 00:10:34,204 --> 00:10:36,239 Mojo off. Mojo off. 290 00:10:36,335 --> 00:10:38,680 Schmidt, Table Seven, Table Seven. 291 00:10:38,717 --> 00:10:41,388 - What're you doing? You're at Table Seven, too? - Hmm? I'm at Table Seven. 292 00:10:42,791 --> 00:10:44,691 - What? - Well, you should feel complimented. 293 00:10:44,730 --> 00:10:46,186 I feel slightly insulted. 294 00:10:46,224 --> 00:10:47,323 - What? - No offense. 295 00:10:47,353 --> 00:10:49,288 A lot of offense taken. Well, I'm just saying... 296 00:10:49,330 --> 00:10:50,964 - A lot. - Jess! 297 00:10:51,051 --> 00:10:52,101 - Hi! - Hi. 298 00:10:52,138 --> 00:10:53,660 - How are you? - Um, okay. 299 00:10:53,685 --> 00:10:56,169 Yeah, I checked in. Uh, they gave me my table. 300 00:10:56,207 --> 00:10:57,882 - Okay. - This is a weird date. 301 00:10:57,914 --> 00:10:59,705 I always thought we'd go bowling before we went 302 00:10:59,722 --> 00:11:00,902 to an Indian marriage convention. 303 00:11:00,927 --> 00:11:02,757 - What table are you at? - Uh, Table One, I think. 304 00:11:02,776 --> 00:11:05,985 Table One?! It's almost like you save lives or something. 305 00:11:05,994 --> 00:11:07,525 Oh, wait, you do. 306 00:11:08,316 --> 00:11:10,417 Let's start the icebreakers. 307 00:11:10,604 --> 00:11:13,331 This exercise shows how physically compatible 308 00:11:13,358 --> 00:11:14,683 two people can be. 309 00:11:27,357 --> 00:11:28,923 Ow! My hand! 310 00:11:28,968 --> 00:11:29,935 What? 311 00:11:29,964 --> 00:11:31,198 Stupid man. 312 00:11:32,342 --> 00:11:33,141 Nice. 313 00:11:33,159 --> 00:11:34,393 - Yeah. - Ready? 314 00:11:34,511 --> 00:11:35,678 Three, two, ow. 315 00:11:35,701 --> 00:11:37,667 - Ow! No, no. Let's... - Up? 316 00:11:37,683 --> 00:11:39,818 - No, you go down. - All right. I go down? 317 00:11:40,309 --> 00:11:42,087 Kind of just got to get in a little closer. 318 00:11:42,112 --> 00:11:43,340 Okay, I'm trying. 319 00:11:43,667 --> 00:11:44,768 Seriously. 320 00:11:50,024 --> 00:11:50,914 Hey, dummy. 321 00:11:50,938 --> 00:11:52,890 Stop pointing your finger at me. That's so annoying. 322 00:11:52,909 --> 00:11:54,610 Why are you drinking my beer? 323 00:11:55,116 --> 00:11:57,576 - You point that finger at me one more time, I'm... - Why don't you just admit that 324 00:11:57,588 --> 00:11:59,279 that kiss meant something to you? - No, no! 325 00:11:59,304 --> 00:12:00,905 I could tell it meant something, so admit it 326 00:12:00,935 --> 00:12:02,169 or I'll do this all day. I'll do it all day. 327 00:12:02,193 --> 00:12:04,326 Next challenge: Make a table 328 00:12:04,350 --> 00:12:07,300 out of nothing but newspaper and tape. 329 00:12:07,343 --> 00:12:10,661 Women look to your left, men to the right. 330 00:12:10,777 --> 00:12:13,065 - These are your partners. - Oh, you got to be kidding me. 331 00:12:13,101 --> 00:12:15,302 First table that can hold a phone book wins. 332 00:12:15,327 --> 00:12:17,323 - All right, so we have to make a table. - Okay. 333 00:12:17,408 --> 00:12:18,796 - Give me the tape. - No. 334 00:12:21,181 --> 00:12:23,733 I'll tell you what's not made out of newspaper, 335 00:12:23,821 --> 00:12:26,256 that tight little ass of yours. 336 00:12:26,292 --> 00:12:29,505 - Jess, you liked kissing me! It's fine to say that. - No, I didn't. 337 00:12:29,536 --> 00:12:32,342 I'm not on my knee asking you to marry me; It was a nice kiss. 338 00:12:32,359 --> 00:12:34,660 You were like a dog and my mouth 339 00:12:34,685 --> 00:12:37,180 was like a bowl full of dog... milk! 340 00:12:37,202 --> 00:12:39,115 It was like a damn fairy tale, that kiss! 341 00:12:39,133 --> 00:12:40,390 It was the best kiss of your life. 342 00:12:40,416 --> 00:12:42,081 - Are you serious, Nick? - And you have to take 343 00:12:42,116 --> 00:12:44,104 a little responsibility, tarting around in that 344 00:12:44,135 --> 00:12:47,276 - little soft pink robe, not expecting to get kissed. - Tarting around? 345 00:12:47,299 --> 00:12:49,403 I'm a man, Jessica! 346 00:12:49,457 --> 00:12:51,126 - What? - Pink robes are my catnip. 347 00:12:51,145 --> 00:12:53,066 And we have a winning couple! 348 00:12:53,082 --> 00:12:54,681 We are not a couple! 349 00:12:54,974 --> 00:12:57,167 - We're not a couple. - And this is a very bad table. 350 00:12:57,189 --> 00:12:58,708 - Terrible table. - And stop clapping, everybody. 351 00:12:58,738 --> 00:13:00,605 - This is awful. - Look. It won't hold anything. 352 00:13:00,636 --> 00:13:02,737 Be prepared to laugh! 353 00:13:03,823 --> 00:13:05,157 No, I mean, this is, like... 354 00:13:05,181 --> 00:13:06,414 I got it, I got it. 355 00:13:06,467 --> 00:13:08,201 Here, put it down. Just-- okay. 356 00:13:08,243 --> 00:13:10,045 Very weak table. 357 00:13:11,275 --> 00:13:12,342 Break! 358 00:13:14,311 --> 00:13:15,656 It's a strong table. 359 00:13:15,681 --> 00:13:18,077 Strong table, strong couple. 360 00:13:18,654 --> 00:13:20,656 Come on. Jump up, yeah. Jump up! Jump up! Jump up! 361 00:13:20,697 --> 00:13:21,997 - Whoa! Come on. - Wow. 362 00:13:22,034 --> 00:13:24,112 - Wow, yeah. It's real, man. - Come on. 363 00:13:24,342 --> 00:13:25,727 That's an impressive table! 364 00:13:28,143 --> 00:13:30,953 Congratulations on winning the table-building competition, baby. 365 00:13:30,978 --> 00:13:33,344 - Yeah, it didn't mean anything, so... - I didn't think it meant anything. 366 00:13:33,393 --> 00:13:36,038 - Yeah, no, just-- - Nick just drives me crazy. 367 00:13:36,074 --> 00:13:38,252 - It's like-- you know? - Yeah, I mean, I never... 368 00:13:38,278 --> 00:13:40,277 - Well, yeah, that's just... That's what I was saying. - Is there something... 369 00:13:40,301 --> 00:13:41,544 I should know here? 370 00:13:41,689 --> 00:13:42,970 No. 'Cause... 371 00:13:42,992 --> 00:13:44,069 Men, switch seats! 372 00:13:44,297 --> 00:13:45,948 No. Sam, stop. 373 00:13:45,973 --> 00:13:47,379 'Cause... No, I want to talk to you. 374 00:13:47,409 --> 00:13:49,421 - Sam, I... - Do you like field hockey? 375 00:13:49,667 --> 00:13:51,934 I... Yeah. Yeah. 376 00:13:53,916 --> 00:13:56,172 - Hi! - Oh, I'm so sorry, sweetie. Pass. 377 00:13:56,333 --> 00:13:58,008 So, when did you decide to become a model? 378 00:13:58,052 --> 00:14:00,643 Oh. Didn't really think about it at all. 379 00:14:00,667 --> 00:14:03,078 Someone just said they'd pay me for being pretty, so... 380 00:14:03,123 --> 00:14:04,924 - I like your hat. - Shh. 381 00:14:05,216 --> 00:14:07,184 - It's my favorite color. - Shh... 382 00:14:09,924 --> 00:14:11,756 - I didn't say anything. - Shut up, shut up, shut up. 383 00:14:12,250 --> 00:14:13,424 So how many children do you want? 384 00:14:13,458 --> 00:14:17,232 Well, I have to start soon, so I guess I'll just jump right in. 385 00:14:17,765 --> 00:14:19,735 So, do you think through any of your decisions 386 00:14:19,747 --> 00:14:21,299 or do you always just do whatever you want? 387 00:14:21,385 --> 00:14:23,296 Hey! M. Night Shyamalan. 388 00:14:23,327 --> 00:14:25,291 I got a twist ending for you: Shut up. 389 00:14:25,311 --> 00:14:27,432 - What do you want, Table Seven? - Schmidt, just talk to your girl. 390 00:14:27,456 --> 00:14:28,758 - Hi! - You better watch it, buddy. 391 00:14:28,777 --> 00:14:30,908 'Cause I will, I will Cal-cut-a-bitch up in here. 392 00:14:30,934 --> 00:14:33,125 - I will Cal-cut-a-bitch. - Schmidt! 393 00:14:33,166 --> 00:14:34,988 Don't worry, Ben Affleck. I'm not desperate. 394 00:14:35,016 --> 00:14:36,483 I don't date below Table Six. 395 00:14:36,496 --> 00:14:38,464 Time's up. Switch places. 396 00:14:39,399 --> 00:14:40,363 Sam... 397 00:14:41,720 --> 00:14:43,778 - That was not nice. He crossed a line. - Schmidt, 398 00:14:43,817 --> 00:14:45,079 you said you would leave me alone. 399 00:14:45,110 --> 00:14:46,901 - You said you would leave... - He crossed a line. 400 00:14:46,955 --> 00:14:48,276 You said you would leave me alone. 401 00:14:52,336 --> 00:14:54,309 Funny seeing you here. 402 00:14:56,167 --> 00:14:57,267 Hey. 403 00:14:57,458 --> 00:14:58,687 You have to go. 404 00:14:58,708 --> 00:15:00,210 Yeah, you have to go over there. 405 00:15:00,248 --> 00:15:01,516 Okay. Bye-bye. 406 00:15:01,545 --> 00:15:03,045 Go now. Hi. 407 00:15:03,569 --> 00:15:07,169 Um, Sam, I do have something to tell you. 408 00:15:08,618 --> 00:15:10,463 You know why we're at Table 34? 409 00:15:10,488 --> 00:15:13,995 'Cause we're both bad at life, but we have model good looks. 410 00:15:14,211 --> 00:15:16,872 It's 'cause we don't think things through. 411 00:15:17,111 --> 00:15:19,578 You didn't think it through when you kissed Jess. 412 00:15:19,634 --> 00:15:22,677 She told me. It's like we just make these impulsive decisions, 413 00:15:22,695 --> 00:15:25,878 and all we end up doing is hurting other people. 414 00:15:27,614 --> 00:15:29,240 I can't believe this. 415 00:15:29,290 --> 00:15:30,918 No. No, Sam... 416 00:15:32,557 --> 00:15:33,932 Sam? Wait. 417 00:15:33,956 --> 00:15:35,076 Sam, wait. 418 00:15:35,601 --> 00:15:36,682 I'm really sorry. 419 00:15:36,713 --> 00:15:38,180 I said I wanted to commit to this. 420 00:15:38,210 --> 00:15:39,569 I thought you understood what that meant. 421 00:15:39,594 --> 00:15:41,094 I do. I did. 422 00:15:41,112 --> 00:15:42,727 Hey, hey. Sam, listen. 423 00:15:42,758 --> 00:15:44,359 - What? - Sam, hear me out. 424 00:15:44,651 --> 00:15:46,178 I kissed her, okay? 425 00:15:46,203 --> 00:15:47,703 She didn't kiss me. 426 00:15:48,285 --> 00:15:50,173 It didn't mean anything to her. 427 00:15:50,597 --> 00:15:52,540 Thank you. 428 00:15:53,365 --> 00:15:54,579 Oh, my God! 429 00:15:54,594 --> 00:15:56,155 I'm sorry, Nick. It's the training. 430 00:15:56,186 --> 00:15:58,719 He's in such terrible shape! You could've killed him. 431 00:15:58,754 --> 00:16:00,128 I'm gonna kick your ass, man. 432 00:16:00,146 --> 00:16:01,721 Jess, it may not have meant something to you, 433 00:16:01,749 --> 00:16:03,147 but it meant something to me. 434 00:16:03,188 --> 00:16:05,632 Is there another doctor in the house?! 435 00:16:05,752 --> 00:16:07,353 With this crowd, I'm sure. 436 00:16:07,383 --> 00:16:10,123 I'm done. So... 437 00:16:11,225 --> 00:16:12,859 Good-bye, Jess. 438 00:16:12,927 --> 00:16:14,983 No. Sam. 439 00:16:17,138 --> 00:16:19,272 Ice it, 24 hours. 440 00:16:19,752 --> 00:16:21,769 And keep it elevated. 441 00:16:23,514 --> 00:16:25,364 - He even exits cool. - Oh, God. 442 00:16:28,152 --> 00:16:31,152 Anu? I got something for you. 443 00:16:31,301 --> 00:16:32,748 Now, this is Freddy. 444 00:16:32,780 --> 00:16:34,894 As you can see, he has the exact 445 00:16:34,917 --> 00:16:36,425 same build as me, all right? 446 00:16:36,448 --> 00:16:39,483 And he is totally available. Ain't that right, Freddy? 447 00:16:39,602 --> 00:16:42,545 That is what I call an arranged bang. 448 00:16:43,800 --> 00:16:48,073 Freddy, are you scared of being confined in small spaces? 449 00:16:50,487 --> 00:16:53,506 Oh, you'll do just fine. 450 00:16:54,659 --> 00:16:57,594 Now, just remember, wherever you are, 451 00:16:57,618 --> 00:16:59,685 the Mojo Man is there. 452 00:17:08,532 --> 00:17:10,258 Damn it, Schmidt. 453 00:17:13,570 --> 00:17:15,038 I'm taking this. 454 00:17:15,093 --> 00:17:18,910 Excuse me. Excuse me! Hold up! 455 00:17:19,064 --> 00:17:20,178 You know, when I came here today, 456 00:17:20,197 --> 00:17:22,164 I thought India was a pretty cool country. 457 00:17:22,824 --> 00:17:24,179 You guys are obviously smart. 458 00:17:24,204 --> 00:17:25,885 You l-looked at the roof of a bus and you said, 459 00:17:25,909 --> 00:17:28,377 "That's not just a roof, that's more seating." 460 00:17:29,387 --> 00:17:32,720 Kal Penn, he's a genius. Thank you for him. 461 00:17:33,174 --> 00:17:34,681 But what I didn't know 462 00:17:34,747 --> 00:17:36,903 is that you're a country full of blind idiots. 463 00:17:36,928 --> 00:17:38,503 - Oh, God. - Because in your midst 464 00:17:38,519 --> 00:17:40,570 walks a brown angel. 465 00:17:41,186 --> 00:17:43,186 That woman. Right there. 466 00:17:44,695 --> 00:17:45,830 I may be an idiot, 467 00:17:45,861 --> 00:17:47,928 but I'm smart enough to know what I lost. 468 00:17:49,708 --> 00:17:51,604 You people could've had it all. 469 00:17:51,996 --> 00:17:54,831 And you shoved her over there at a table with Nick. 470 00:17:55,801 --> 00:17:58,120 Get your crap together, India. 471 00:17:58,229 --> 00:18:00,163 Schmidt... 472 00:18:00,538 --> 00:18:02,472 out! 473 00:18:05,941 --> 00:18:08,943 Hello. I didn't see you over here. 474 00:18:09,680 --> 00:18:10,880 I would love to... 475 00:18:11,998 --> 00:18:13,330 Sorry I didn't see you earlier. 476 00:18:13,358 --> 00:18:14,771 Okay. They're all-- okay. 477 00:18:14,802 --> 00:18:16,335 You don't all have to run over there at once. 478 00:18:16,355 --> 00:18:18,402 I mean, she... she's not that great, you guys. 479 00:18:18,502 --> 00:18:20,702 I mean, she's kind of old. 480 00:18:20,726 --> 00:18:22,724 You should see her areolas-- one's like a helicopter pad, 481 00:18:22,750 --> 00:18:24,517 the other one's like a, you know, like... 482 00:18:24,698 --> 00:18:25,932 like a tick bite. 483 00:18:26,093 --> 00:18:28,006 It's freaky. Very disorienting. 484 00:18:28,033 --> 00:18:29,954 ♪ It feels like a perfect night ♪ 485 00:18:29,992 --> 00:18:31,627 Is this making you feel better at all? 486 00:18:31,667 --> 00:18:35,226 ♪ At midnight, to fall in love with strangers ♪ 487 00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:37,274 ♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah ♪ 488 00:18:37,305 --> 00:18:40,757 ♪ Yeah, we're happy, free, confused ♪ 489 00:18:40,788 --> 00:18:42,593 ♪ And lonely at the same time ♪ 490 00:18:42,615 --> 00:18:45,582 I just wanted to listen to Taylor Swift alone! 491 00:18:45,982 --> 00:18:47,508 ♪ Oh, yeah ♪ 492 00:18:47,538 --> 00:18:48,264 How's that? 493 00:18:48,295 --> 00:18:51,338 You know when you get dumped and you're, like, racking your brain 494 00:18:51,357 --> 00:18:53,625 for what was it that I did wrong? 495 00:18:53,655 --> 00:18:55,544 Well, this is a really unique situation 496 00:18:55,575 --> 00:18:58,376 in that I don't have to do that. 497 00:18:58,452 --> 00:19:00,620 Well, what happened? 498 00:19:00,694 --> 00:19:03,395 I'm sorry. I know what-- I know that it's my fault. 499 00:19:03,606 --> 00:19:05,007 I didn't mean it like... 500 00:19:06,904 --> 00:19:08,092 Jess, can I say something 501 00:19:08,123 --> 00:19:10,562 - that'll potentially not help this situation? - No. 502 00:19:10,581 --> 00:19:13,148 I've never been a home-wrecker. 503 00:19:13,773 --> 00:19:15,742 And I liked it. 504 00:19:15,890 --> 00:19:18,791 I mean, Sam was threatened by me. 505 00:19:19,952 --> 00:19:21,953 I mean, I see that as a victory. 506 00:19:24,282 --> 00:19:27,286 But in-in more important... 507 00:19:27,991 --> 00:19:32,824 uh, ways, a huge, huge, devastating loss. 508 00:19:33,051 --> 00:19:34,075 For you. 509 00:19:35,260 --> 00:19:37,401 Should I call Cece? This feels like Cece territory. 510 00:19:37,432 --> 00:19:38,781 This isn't Nick territory. 511 00:19:38,805 --> 00:19:39,843 This is, uh... 512 00:19:42,908 --> 00:19:44,742 Look, Jess... 513 00:19:46,680 --> 00:19:48,796 I'm sorry, okay, 514 00:19:48,857 --> 00:19:50,324 that I kissed you. 515 00:19:50,536 --> 00:19:51,831 But I shouldn't have done it, 516 00:19:51,873 --> 00:19:53,473 because it was obviously a mistake, 517 00:19:53,510 --> 00:19:55,611 and now you're crying and... 518 00:19:55,999 --> 00:19:57,881 I won't do it again. 519 00:19:59,549 --> 00:20:01,199 Well... 520 00:20:01,254 --> 00:20:05,846 maybe it was a little bit broken to begin with. 521 00:20:06,089 --> 00:20:07,890 - What happened? - He just... 522 00:20:08,188 --> 00:20:11,213 He always wanted to fist bump in the morning. 523 00:20:11,244 --> 00:20:14,191 - And you didn't like that? - I hated it. What are... what... 524 00:20:14,206 --> 00:20:16,205 - I feel like you're forgiving me. - No. 525 00:20:16,223 --> 00:20:18,592 - I felt like before I said that you were though. - Nope. Nope. 526 00:20:18,618 --> 00:20:21,691 Now you remembered you're still mad at me. No? Okay. 527 00:20:21,737 --> 00:20:23,572 - All right, good night, Nick. Night. - Okay, good night, Jess. 528 00:20:23,602 --> 00:20:24,769 Hey, Jess. 529 00:20:26,321 --> 00:20:27,182 Too soon? 530 00:20:27,267 --> 00:20:28,761 Yeah, too soon! 531 00:20:28,779 --> 00:20:31,299 Well, hey, good night. And I'm sorry about everything. 532 00:20:31,503 --> 00:20:32,603 Okay. 533 00:20:40,202 --> 00:20:41,535 Okay, yeah. 534 00:20:41,565 --> 00:20:42,966 - That was... - Yeah. That was... 535 00:20:43,008 --> 00:20:44,331 - a little bit weird. - So weird. 536 00:20:44,362 --> 00:20:45,562 Let's not ever do that again. 537 00:20:45,598 --> 00:20:47,366 - Yeah. - Do it again. Okay. 538 00:20:47,427 --> 00:20:49,228 - Good night. Night, Miller! - Good night. 539 00:20:49,908 --> 00:20:51,071 Good night, Sergeant. 540 00:20:53,383 --> 00:20:55,895 I'm glad everything's back to normal around here. 541 00:20:59,797 --> 00:21:01,181 Thank you for what you said up there. 542 00:21:01,212 --> 00:21:03,137 - You know, I got a lot of phone numbers. - Good. 543 00:21:04,335 --> 00:21:05,567 I think I'm gonna go on a lot of dates. 544 00:21:05,575 --> 00:21:07,409 - I think that's a great thing. Good. - Yeah. 545 00:21:09,508 --> 00:21:11,366 The plan hasn't changed; I am still marrying an Indian guy. 546 00:21:11,386 --> 00:21:12,384 - No, yeah, that's fine. - Okay? 547 00:21:12,409 --> 00:21:14,628 But you went home with a Jew in a turban, so I'm just saying. 548 00:21:14,652 --> 00:21:16,328 Just take this off. Come on. Let's go. 549 00:21:17,824 --> 00:21:20,069 God, I have missed this. 550 00:21:22,638 --> 00:21:24,206 Turban on? Turban off? 551 00:21:24,223 --> 00:21:26,191 I'm gonna hate myself for saying this, but... 552 00:21:26,571 --> 00:21:27,923 turban on. 553 00:21:27,948 --> 00:21:29,568 - Turban on it is. - Uh-uh 554 00:21:33,317 --> 00:21:34,517 Taking that magic carpet ride. 555 00:21:34,548 --> 00:21:37,515 - Yeah? No? - Shut up! Whoo! 556 00:21:37,684 --> 00:21:41,485 Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com Resync for WEB-DL by Norther