1
00:00:16,293 --> 00:00:17,672
I like how things aren't
weird between us.
2
00:00:17,713 --> 00:00:19,990
Right? 'Cause if somebody
walked in here and saw us,
3
00:00:20,009 --> 00:00:23,011
they'd be, like, "Look at those
two totally normal roommates.
4
00:00:23,041 --> 00:00:25,210
I bet they never sucked face."
But we did. You sucked my face.
5
00:00:25,227 --> 00:00:26,146
I sucked your face.
6
00:00:26,171 --> 00:00:27,315
- You did.
- Who cares?
7
00:00:27,341 --> 00:00:29,502
- You totally sucked my face.
- Sorry that I touched your hand there.
8
00:00:29,522 --> 00:00:31,089
- It was accidental. Like, who acc...?
- Yeah. I mean, which is cool,
9
00:00:31,109 --> 00:00:32,491
'cause that's the thing. It's,
like, we're just roommates.
10
00:00:32,511 --> 00:00:34,711
- Who cares? I totally agree. Yes.
- We're just cool. You know what I mean?
11
00:00:34,739 --> 00:00:37,577
Let's reward ourselves,
'cause we're doing so well.
12
00:00:37,677 --> 00:00:39,933
Table for two,
fanciest restaurant in town.
13
00:00:39,958 --> 00:00:42,426
Yeah, and then we
could have sex.
14
00:00:44,790 --> 00:00:47,298
- Just joking, I was just jok-- I was just joking.
- Yeah, no, I know it was a joke.
15
00:00:47,431 --> 00:00:50,456
Spot. There's-There's
a parking spot.
16
00:00:52,770 --> 00:00:54,238
I just finished
rinsing out the Dumpster,
17
00:00:54,271 --> 00:00:57,350
and while I was buffing
the backside, I found this--
18
00:00:57,650 --> 00:00:58,822
4D.
19
00:00:58,876 --> 00:01:00,225
So, who gets the spot?
20
00:01:00,266 --> 00:01:01,498
- Me. - You know what?
I never get anything.
21
00:01:01,517 --> 00:01:02,629
- I would like it.
- I need a win.
22
00:01:05,949 --> 00:01:08,282
Give me the spot,
or I'll kill you all!
23
00:01:10,731 --> 00:01:12,166
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
24
00:01:12,188 --> 00:01:14,532
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ It's Jess. ♪
25
00:01:14,561 --> 00:01:18,230
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
26
00:01:18,942 --> 00:01:20,502
I park under an overpass.
27
00:01:20,520 --> 00:01:21,890
Guys, guys, guys, guys.
28
00:01:21,928 --> 00:01:23,315
We all have crappy parking.
29
00:01:23,334 --> 00:01:27,067
Guys, why don't we just
all share the spot?
30
00:01:27,086 --> 00:01:29,606
We'll each get it for a
day and a half every week,
31
00:01:29,624 --> 00:01:32,115
and then we split Sunday
into six-hour shifts.
32
00:01:32,128 --> 00:01:35,215
Does it say "Share stuff"
in the Constitution of America?
33
00:01:35,244 --> 00:01:37,735
No, it does not.
Nicholas, what does it say?
34
00:01:37,772 --> 00:01:38,643
Don't share stuff.
35
00:01:38,662 --> 00:01:40,663
No one deserves that spot more than I do.
36
00:01:40,685 --> 00:01:45,349
You know? 'Cause Lord knows,
I've done my fair... share of...
37
00:01:45,513 --> 00:01:47,708
spotworthy things.
38
00:01:47,739 --> 00:01:48,880
What are you doing?
39
00:01:48,898 --> 00:01:51,402
I'm sorry. Daisy travels so
much, and I work at night, so,
40
00:01:51,414 --> 00:01:54,747
you know, our sex
window is... like...
41
00:01:55,358 --> 00:01:58,383
I've lived in this loft as long,
if not longer, than anyone.
42
00:01:58,418 --> 00:02:01,031
I have the crummiest room,
I'm on 24-hour grout watch.
43
00:02:01,731 --> 00:02:03,754
I pay the lion's share
of the utilities, do I not?
44
00:02:03,773 --> 00:02:06,157
- I refuse to pay for the wiffi.
- It's WiFi.
45
00:02:06,197 --> 00:02:08,298
I didn't even have to tell
you guys about the spot.
46
00:02:08,573 --> 00:02:10,902
Why did I tell you guys
about the spot? Oh, damn it!
47
00:02:10,933 --> 00:02:12,333
I'm the dumbest boy in school!
48
00:02:12,358 --> 00:02:15,537
- As the only woman in the loft...
- Don't play the lady card.
49
00:02:15,549 --> 00:02:17,204
- I will play the lady card.
- Race card.
50
00:02:17,222 --> 00:02:18,254
Lazy drunk card.
51
00:02:18,298 --> 00:02:20,607
Deserves-the-spot card.
52
00:02:20,625 --> 00:02:23,346
Do I not, every day,
have to deal with Outside Dave?
53
00:02:23,533 --> 00:02:26,788
Dave? I have to use
my car now, Dave.
54
00:02:26,842 --> 00:02:30,954
I work so hard, I
just want some sleep!
55
00:02:32,621 --> 00:02:34,883
Dave, I'm gonna
go get some coffee.
56
00:02:35,301 --> 00:02:37,736
Um, can I get you anything?
57
00:02:38,014 --> 00:02:40,176
2% latte.
58
00:02:40,509 --> 00:02:43,254
He throws dentures at me,
he doesn't like cookies.
59
00:02:43,266 --> 00:02:45,931
Because I believe so strongly
in women's equality,
60
00:02:45,950 --> 00:02:47,509
I refuse to give you
preferential treatment.
61
00:02:47,534 --> 00:02:49,582
Well, that's really cool,
Schmidt. I really...
62
00:02:49,664 --> 00:02:50,746
Wait a minute.
63
00:02:50,765 --> 00:02:51,430
Oh.
64
00:02:51,473 --> 00:02:52,930
Sex window.
65
00:02:52,967 --> 00:02:54,908
Now, if you all will excuse me,
66
00:02:54,951 --> 00:02:58,610
I am about to go and park my car
on her parking spot.
67
00:02:58,633 --> 00:03:01,676
- Ew. Ew! Get out. - As if there was
anything more important than this.
68
00:03:01,707 --> 00:03:03,488
- I still want the spot, though.
- Obviously not getting the spot.
69
00:03:03,505 --> 00:03:04,785
And then there were three.
70
00:03:04,803 --> 00:03:07,446
That's right. Just
the way I want it.
71
00:03:20,556 --> 00:03:22,631
Come on! It's a good job, guys.
72
00:03:22,650 --> 00:03:25,367
Yes! How do you two care
about stuff so much?
73
00:03:25,392 --> 00:03:27,198
Well, you know what this means,
Jessica, don't you?
74
00:03:27,211 --> 00:03:29,090
Nicholas Miller
is now a swing vote.
75
00:03:29,108 --> 00:03:30,396
- What? No!
- He's right, 'cause we're
76
00:03:30,408 --> 00:03:33,509
both voting for ourselves,
so that makes you the decider.
77
00:03:33,540 --> 00:03:34,820
You two are on your own.
I'm out.
78
00:03:34,842 --> 00:03:36,122
You can't escape destiny.
79
00:03:36,134 --> 00:03:38,909
She comes for us all,
that relentless bitch.
80
00:03:39,552 --> 00:03:42,008
That's right.
Destiny's a lady.
81
00:03:42,027 --> 00:03:44,666
Destiny might be a lady,
but victory has a penis.
82
00:03:44,697 --> 00:03:47,098
Direct quote-- Scott Caan.
83
00:03:49,552 --> 00:03:51,079
Yup.
84
00:03:52,886 --> 00:03:54,116
Hey.
85
00:03:54,246 --> 00:03:56,082
I found one of your hoodies,
86
00:03:56,731 --> 00:03:58,099
and I borrowed it.
87
00:03:58,353 --> 00:04:01,686
You want to know what I'm
wearing underneath this shirt?
88
00:04:01,706 --> 00:04:04,849
- Yeah, sure.
- An invisible shirt.
89
00:04:04,874 --> 00:04:08,603
- I'm confused, Jess.
- These are so long. Oh.
90
00:04:10,310 --> 00:04:11,491
I wouldn't put that
in your mouth.
91
00:04:11,497 --> 00:04:12,808
- Do you chew on this?
- I do.
92
00:04:12,820 --> 00:04:14,876
Mmm. You do, huh?
93
00:04:15,286 --> 00:04:17,087
It's crunchy.
94
00:04:17,274 --> 00:04:19,462
- Oh. - You get hit in the
head or something?
95
00:04:19,489 --> 00:04:21,951
- Hmm? - Are you flirting
with me to get the spot?
96
00:04:21,970 --> 00:04:25,303
How dare you accuse me of that.
97
00:04:25,368 --> 00:04:27,462
- The parking spot is yours.
- Really?
98
00:04:27,794 --> 00:04:29,819
- Yeah. - Thanks, Nick.
That's so cool of you.
99
00:04:29,837 --> 00:04:33,108
Sometimes I can be
a gentleman, believe it or not.
100
00:04:33,156 --> 00:04:34,458
- Cool.
- Cool. All right.
101
00:04:34,470 --> 00:04:36,362
- Well, thank you.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
102
00:04:36,460 --> 00:04:38,161
Get in here.
Yeah, we can...
103
00:04:38,190 --> 00:04:40,258
Let's hug this out.
104
00:04:40,270 --> 00:04:41,455
Purple nurple!
105
00:04:41,480 --> 00:04:43,147
Thank you.
106
00:04:43,158 --> 00:04:46,059
- I don't know why I did that.
I'll get ice. - Why did you do that?
107
00:04:49,111 --> 00:04:50,945
Oh, finally.
What took you so long?
108
00:04:50,969 --> 00:04:52,581
I said 2:45, not 3:08.
109
00:04:52,596 --> 00:04:53,780
I couldn't follow
your directions.
110
00:04:53,805 --> 00:04:55,516
I'm telling you, girl,
this complex is like a maze.
111
00:04:55,528 --> 00:04:58,270
Every building in this place
looks exactly the same.
112
00:04:58,334 --> 00:04:59,485
And for future reference,
113
00:04:59,522 --> 00:05:01,270
I'm more of a left-right
kind of guy, not so much
114
00:05:01,276 --> 00:05:03,440
- a north-south kind of guy.
- Put on a condom.
115
00:05:04,738 --> 00:05:06,889
Hmm... I don't, uh...
116
00:05:06,901 --> 00:05:08,160
You forgot a condom?
117
00:05:08,184 --> 00:05:09,504
- You got a grocery bag?
- No.
118
00:05:09,532 --> 00:05:10,432
- Tin foil?
- No.
119
00:05:10,457 --> 00:05:11,525
- Hand sanitizer?
- No.
120
00:05:11,544 --> 00:05:12,877
You got a shower cap
and a twist tie?
121
00:05:12,901 --> 00:05:15,068
You didn't bring the one
thing we need to have sex?
122
00:05:15,086 --> 00:05:17,149
- What about a baseball cap that's
really small? - Are you serious?
123
00:05:17,168 --> 00:05:18,856
Um, I got quick reflexes.
124
00:05:20,538 --> 00:05:22,834
Mm, I'm gonna
take care of this, okay?
125
00:05:22,857 --> 00:05:25,149
Okay, well, look,
do not waste my time.
126
00:05:25,174 --> 00:05:26,899
I will be back faster
than you can say,
127
00:05:26,936 --> 00:05:29,802
"Damn, Winston, I took care
of myself already."
128
00:05:29,923 --> 00:05:31,495
Don't-don't say that, though.
129
00:05:31,570 --> 00:05:34,030
Do not... Wait for me. Wait...
130
00:05:35,800 --> 00:05:37,666
Who wants an ice-cold Heisler,
131
00:05:37,700 --> 00:05:40,401
all dressed up in a frosty mug?
132
00:05:40,448 --> 00:05:42,948
- Sure. I like beer.
- I know you haven't officially decided
133
00:05:42,967 --> 00:05:46,300
on the spot yet, but I just
wanted to say, thanks, man.
134
00:05:47,354 --> 00:05:48,343
What for, Schmidt?
135
00:05:48,368 --> 00:05:50,388
We both know that you're gonna
give the spot to me,
136
00:05:50,406 --> 00:05:52,179
but I love that
you're keeping up the charade.
137
00:05:52,198 --> 00:05:54,011
Spot's going to Jess. Jess.
- Jess?
138
00:05:54,024 --> 00:05:56,246
- Give me the beer back.
- I'm trying to be a gentleman.
139
00:05:56,402 --> 00:05:58,216
Hey, Schmidt. Hey, Nick.
140
00:05:58,234 --> 00:05:59,857
Oh.
141
00:06:00,572 --> 00:06:02,562
- How you doing?
- Good. How are you?
142
00:06:02,568 --> 00:06:04,245
Good.
143
00:06:13,198 --> 00:06:15,167
- What the hell?
- Hmm?
144
00:06:15,262 --> 00:06:16,752
What... the hell?
145
00:06:16,776 --> 00:06:19,925
- I'm checking my e-mails.
- Oh. Okay.
146
00:06:21,307 --> 00:06:24,892
Think that I'm blind?
Think I can't smell it?
147
00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:27,386
You think I can't hear it?
148
00:06:27,836 --> 00:06:31,593
The stench of filth and lust
is all over this room.
149
00:06:32,153 --> 00:06:34,455
Smells like freaking Tijuana.
150
00:06:35,172 --> 00:06:36,467
What...
151
00:06:37,141 --> 00:06:37,948
happened here?
152
00:06:37,981 --> 00:06:39,429
- Nothing.
- Hardly anything.
153
00:06:39,450 --> 00:06:40,559
Hardly anything?!
154
00:06:40,583 --> 00:06:42,001
You know I'm not good at this, Jess.
155
00:06:42,020 --> 00:06:44,167
Shut up. Okay, fine.
156
00:06:45,276 --> 00:06:46,964
We kissed. Eh.
157
00:06:46,982 --> 00:06:49,950
It was nothing.
So? Uh, moving on.
158
00:06:53,050 --> 00:06:54,320
Don't be weird
about this, Schmidt.
159
00:06:54,357 --> 00:06:56,217
Remember... I mean, it was
like a dare, basically.
160
00:06:56,243 --> 00:06:59,213
- Yeah.
- Mazel... tov
161
00:06:59,944 --> 00:07:02,279
to the both of you.
162
00:07:03,376 --> 00:07:06,893
Well, I don't know what "Mazel tov" means,
but it doesn't sound good.
163
00:07:10,297 --> 00:07:11,663
Excuse me, excuse me,
sorry about that.
164
00:07:11,688 --> 00:07:13,276
Emergency. Emergency.
Sorry about that.
165
00:07:13,588 --> 00:07:15,055
I need a condom.
166
00:07:16,142 --> 00:07:18,322
- That'll be $8.75.
- All right.
167
00:07:20,032 --> 00:07:22,429
What the hell?
What the...?
168
00:07:22,516 --> 00:07:24,617
Damn it, took Daisy's pants.
169
00:07:24,679 --> 00:07:26,301
Look, I don't have
any money right now,
170
00:07:26,314 --> 00:07:27,915
but, you know,
I have somebody waiting for me,
171
00:07:27,937 --> 00:07:29,609
so if you could just, you know?
172
00:07:29,797 --> 00:07:31,500
- Next.
- Wait. No. No, no, no, no.
173
00:07:31,512 --> 00:07:34,188
Uh, look, what about that box
of condoms right there, man?
174
00:07:34,206 --> 00:07:35,710
They're practically open, right?
175
00:07:35,754 --> 00:07:37,856
How about you just slide one out
and throw a brother a loosie?
176
00:07:37,908 --> 00:07:39,203
Next.
177
00:07:39,402 --> 00:07:40,809
Come on.
178
00:07:41,874 --> 00:07:43,109
Hey, everybody.
179
00:07:43,254 --> 00:07:44,243
What's up?
180
00:07:44,294 --> 00:07:45,933
My name is Winston Bishop,
181
00:07:46,082 --> 00:07:49,602
and I am in desperate need...
of a condom.
182
00:07:49,641 --> 00:07:51,604
- Okay, that's it.
- Now hear me out.
183
00:07:51,626 --> 00:07:53,526
- Okay? Okay.
- Come on. Sorry, folks.
184
00:07:53,841 --> 00:07:55,166
Hey, Schmidt?
185
00:07:57,470 --> 00:07:59,838
Hello, Schmidt?
You okay?
186
00:08:00,043 --> 00:08:01,119
- Who? Me?
- Yeah.
187
00:08:01,149 --> 00:08:02,674
Yeah, look, guys, I'm fine.
188
00:08:02,698 --> 00:08:06,063
Look, I admit, at first
I was thrown, but I'm fine.
189
00:08:06,135 --> 00:08:07,987
Are you seriously doing this?!
190
00:08:08,091 --> 00:08:10,059
I can't believe this!
This is so dumb!
191
00:08:10,084 --> 00:08:11,053
I'm sorry.
192
00:08:11,071 --> 00:08:13,695
I'm just... I'm trying to
process this whole thing.
193
00:08:13,739 --> 00:08:16,274
Nick, you're my best friend,
and you should have told me.
194
00:08:16,301 --> 00:08:18,386
And Jess, what do you think?
Mono is just some sort of joke?
195
00:08:18,417 --> 00:08:19,885
Nothing has changed.
196
00:08:19,981 --> 00:08:22,226
Like same old, same old.
197
00:08:23,682 --> 00:08:24,897
Except for the fact that, uh,
198
00:08:24,919 --> 00:08:27,941
pre-kiss Jess didn't have
a parking spot.
199
00:08:28,157 --> 00:08:30,613
Post-kiss Jess does.
200
00:08:31,281 --> 00:08:34,098
Sounds...
like... change.
201
00:08:34,123 --> 00:08:35,995
I won the spot
fair and square, Schmidt.
202
00:08:36,007 --> 00:08:37,714
Did you, though?
I wouldn't say fair and square.
203
00:08:38,876 --> 00:08:40,466
All right. Fine.
204
00:08:40,547 --> 00:08:43,119
I used my body. Is that
what you want to hear?
205
00:08:43,276 --> 00:08:46,425
I shook what the good
people of Oregon gave me,
206
00:08:46,498 --> 00:08:48,379
and I got a parking space.
207
00:08:48,466 --> 00:08:51,838
Let me tell you something,
Nicholas Miller.
208
00:08:51,901 --> 00:08:53,929
You know, had
Winston kissed me,
209
00:08:53,953 --> 00:08:55,460
you're the first person
I would have told!
210
00:08:55,471 --> 00:08:57,092
I know you would have told me
if Winston kissed you.
211
00:08:57,104 --> 00:09:00,548
But I guess your
loyalty lies elsewhere.
212
00:09:01,377 --> 00:09:03,613
I can't handle this!
213
00:09:04,343 --> 00:09:06,300
Fine. Schmidt,
congratulations.
214
00:09:06,325 --> 00:09:08,026
- The spot is yours.
- Okay. Really.
215
00:09:08,058 --> 00:09:09,123
- What?!
- It's him.
216
00:09:09,149 --> 00:09:10,651
Nick Miller, you weakling.
217
00:09:10,682 --> 00:09:13,451
I can't have people thinking
my decision wasn't above board.
218
00:09:13,482 --> 00:09:14,940
This city can't have
another scandal!
219
00:09:14,953 --> 00:09:16,192
- Wise choice.
- Thanks.
220
00:09:16,204 --> 00:09:18,035
He's been manipulating you
the whole time.
221
00:09:18,053 --> 00:09:19,518
- Look at him.
- I don't think...
222
00:09:19,543 --> 00:09:22,513
Look at his smi--
he's smiling evilly.
223
00:09:22,534 --> 00:09:23,654
You know what, Jess? Stop.
224
00:09:23,678 --> 00:09:25,752
You're manipulating me,
he's manipulating me,
225
00:09:25,764 --> 00:09:27,321
and I'm getting confused.
226
00:09:27,424 --> 00:09:30,168
I am the decider of us three!
227
00:09:30,199 --> 00:09:32,130
I decide!
228
00:09:32,379 --> 00:09:33,804
Let the decider decide!
229
00:09:33,822 --> 00:09:35,711
I am not the suggester!
230
00:09:35,869 --> 00:09:38,443
I'm not having a good time
with this game.
231
00:09:39,317 --> 00:09:41,197
Give my regards
to Outside Dave.
232
00:09:41,234 --> 00:09:43,169
Stay away from my space...
233
00:09:43,380 --> 00:09:45,335
or you'll have this
to deal with.
234
00:09:46,496 --> 00:09:47,808
S...
235
00:09:47,896 --> 00:09:49,848
Where are your nipples, man?
236
00:09:52,077 --> 00:09:53,948
I'll never tell.
237
00:09:58,032 --> 00:10:01,267
You're either gonna break your finger,
or you're gonna break that button.
238
00:10:01,301 --> 00:10:02,841
I'm not going back in
there. It's too weird.
239
00:10:02,878 --> 00:10:05,040
You're the one making it weird, Nick.
240
00:10:05,404 --> 00:10:06,848
You want weird?
I'll give you weird.
241
00:10:06,860 --> 00:10:08,626
Weird, weird, weird.
242
00:10:08,995 --> 00:10:11,864
Fine. Weirder,
weirder, weirder.
243
00:10:14,131 --> 00:10:17,027
Weird, weird, weird.
244
00:10:17,088 --> 00:10:19,303
Uh, weird, right, ugh.
245
00:10:19,689 --> 00:10:20,951
Weird.
246
00:10:20,995 --> 00:10:22,233
- Weird.
- Weird.
247
00:10:22,245 --> 00:10:23,676
- Weird, weirder, weird.
- Weird, weird.
248
00:10:23,720 --> 00:10:25,154
- Weird, weird.
- Weird.
249
00:10:25,176 --> 00:10:26,776
- Weird! Weird. Weird!
- What are we doing?!
250
00:10:26,789 --> 00:10:29,070
I don't know!
You started it!
251
00:10:29,746 --> 00:10:33,541
- Is this how it's gonna be? Is it?
- What are we talking about, Jess?
252
00:10:33,553 --> 00:10:36,437
You think things like this
aren't gonna come up all the time?
253
00:10:36,482 --> 00:10:38,516
We need a long-term solution.
254
00:10:39,134 --> 00:10:41,035
I'll give you
a long-term solution.
255
00:10:43,385 --> 00:10:45,023
I'm taking the spot!
256
00:10:45,074 --> 00:10:46,582
Oh, my God.
257
00:10:47,373 --> 00:10:48,649
What is all the commotion?
258
00:10:48,667 --> 00:10:50,268
- He's taking the spot!
- He can't do that!
259
00:10:50,288 --> 00:10:52,169
Kill him, kill him--
you said you'd kill him!
260
00:10:52,200 --> 00:10:54,361
- Now kill him! Now's your chance!
- Oh, for heaven's sakes.
261
00:10:54,509 --> 00:10:56,497
First car in the spot gets it.
262
00:10:56,584 --> 00:10:57,227
Aah!
263
00:11:04,700 --> 00:11:05,866
Aw, damn it!
264
00:11:06,159 --> 00:11:07,478
You middled me again?!
265
00:11:07,521 --> 00:11:09,828
I'm not to be middled;
It's in my contract.
266
00:11:10,019 --> 00:11:11,307
Shoot!
267
00:11:11,458 --> 00:11:13,127
Excuse me. Aah!
268
00:11:14,636 --> 00:11:17,512
Hey, five bucks if you
help me fold this nicely.
269
00:11:17,596 --> 00:11:20,364
I'm not going above six,
so don't negotiate with me.
270
00:11:20,587 --> 00:11:22,156
Aah!
271
00:11:22,325 --> 00:11:24,026
Go, go, sorry, go.
272
00:11:24,199 --> 00:11:27,204
Oh, I'm sorry, I--
okay, sorry, go.
273
00:11:29,082 --> 00:11:31,317
Move it, you wacky bitch!
274
00:11:33,304 --> 00:11:35,191
It won't start.
275
00:11:36,453 --> 00:11:38,087
Help me push it!
276
00:11:39,813 --> 00:11:41,209
Get behind it.
277
00:11:41,531 --> 00:11:44,466
Back in the box!
278
00:11:46,208 --> 00:11:48,075
Aw, cats.
279
00:11:48,167 --> 00:11:50,295
Hey, hey, buddy.
280
00:11:54,308 --> 00:11:55,608
What?
281
00:11:56,739 --> 00:11:57,620
Mine.
282
00:11:57,639 --> 00:11:59,468
The laws of parking
require a vehicle.
283
00:11:59,491 --> 00:12:00,854
This is my vehicle.
284
00:12:00,866 --> 00:12:02,529
This is my vehicle.
285
00:12:02,781 --> 00:12:03,594
Don't.
286
00:12:03,625 --> 00:12:05,222
Don't you do it, Schmidt.
287
00:12:05,240 --> 00:12:06,347
I'm not afraid.
288
00:12:06,365 --> 00:12:07,780
Schmidt, no.
289
00:12:10,491 --> 00:12:11,929
- You just hit me.
- Damn right I did.
290
00:12:11,947 --> 00:12:14,878
- You're sitting right in the middle
of the spot. - You hit me with your car
291
00:12:14,897 --> 00:12:16,644
over a parking spot, Schmidt.
292
00:12:16,656 --> 00:12:17,853
Get out of the spot!
293
00:12:18,634 --> 00:12:20,540
- Jess.
- Move or I will hit you.
294
00:12:20,559 --> 00:12:21,433
I want that spot.
295
00:12:21,458 --> 00:12:22,546
- No.
- Have you lost your mind?
296
00:12:22,562 --> 00:12:24,081
- Not a joke, move, move.
- No.
297
00:12:24,106 --> 00:12:25,390
- What are you doing, Jess?
- Move, move.
298
00:12:25,417 --> 00:12:26,486
Jess, stop it.
299
00:12:26,517 --> 00:12:28,580
What are you doing? Stop the
car, you lunatic. She's insane.
300
00:12:28,610 --> 00:12:30,725
- No-- oh!
- O-h!
301
00:12:31,007 --> 00:12:33,609
No, no!
302
00:12:33,632 --> 00:12:35,720
- What is she doing?
- What is going on?
303
00:12:35,739 --> 00:12:37,490
Can't believe
I'm going down like this.
304
00:12:38,014 --> 00:12:39,410
You're not in the space!
305
00:12:41,631 --> 00:12:43,488
Okay, all right,
mine, mine, I'm not leaving.
306
00:12:43,506 --> 00:12:45,906
- I'm not leaving either.
- I have a purse full of hard candy
307
00:12:45,924 --> 00:12:47,392
and an empty bladder.
308
00:12:47,509 --> 00:12:48,728
I'm here all night, folks.
309
00:12:48,740 --> 00:12:50,771
- I'm here all night.
- I'm here all night.
310
00:12:50,783 --> 00:12:52,953
- I'm here all night.
- I-- that's what I said.
311
00:12:55,304 --> 00:12:57,227
I'm really happy you
gave me another shot.
312
00:12:57,255 --> 00:12:58,806
Yeah, so am I.
313
00:12:58,902 --> 00:13:01,161
You know, you, you can't judge
someone based on their friends.
314
00:13:01,179 --> 00:13:03,436
No, and I feel like, if you
gave them another chance,
315
00:13:03,454 --> 00:13:04,514
you'd really like them.
316
00:13:04,540 --> 00:13:08,284
- They are down to earth and
chill, no drama. - Yeah?
317
00:13:08,319 --> 00:13:09,912
Hey, Cece,
318
00:13:09,940 --> 00:13:11,249
it's Winston!
319
00:13:11,302 --> 00:13:12,371
You got a rubber?!
320
00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:13,967
I need a rubber.
321
00:13:15,525 --> 00:13:18,175
He said "rhubarb," that's
how he pronounces "rhubarb"
322
00:13:18,194 --> 00:13:21,614
- It's so weird.
- Nah, nah, I-I need a condom
323
00:13:21,834 --> 00:13:23,709
for my penis!
324
00:13:24,177 --> 00:13:25,733
What are you doing?
325
00:13:25,745 --> 00:13:27,238
Okay, we're not
close enough for this.
326
00:13:27,263 --> 00:13:29,260
Alright, we have spent
very little time together.
327
00:13:29,279 --> 00:13:31,715
You are the only person that
I know in this neighborhood.
328
00:13:31,745 --> 00:13:33,279
Don't you dare come in my house.
329
00:13:33,300 --> 00:13:34,807
Hey, man, hey.
330
00:13:34,835 --> 00:13:36,611
Hey. I'm Winston, good
to see you again.
331
00:13:36,629 --> 00:13:38,543
- Shivrang, Hi.
- You got a condom on you?
332
00:13:38,574 --> 00:13:40,918
Oh, no, no, look that's not,
We're, um...
333
00:13:40,950 --> 00:13:42,544
Her mother and my mother...
334
00:13:42,779 --> 00:13:44,854
I'm a chemical engineer.
- Winston,
335
00:13:44,873 --> 00:13:47,206
Look, Shivrang, man to man,
I know you have a condom
336
00:13:47,223 --> 00:13:50,373
in your wallet, but the question
to you is: Do you actually think
337
00:13:50,385 --> 00:13:52,487
you' gonna get lucky
with a a sexy lady like that?
338
00:13:52,548 --> 00:13:56,120
You know, I feel like I'm getting
lucky by just being here.
339
00:13:56,301 --> 00:13:59,662
Be honest with me. Ok,
fine, I've got a condom.
340
00:13:59,687 --> 00:14:01,165
- Aha!
- Winston.
341
00:14:01,197 --> 00:14:02,878
Is he going to need that
condom tonight?
342
00:14:02,903 --> 00:14:04,946
- I'm gonna punch you in the face.
- Shall I give you a minute to think about it?
343
00:14:04,965 --> 00:14:06,459
- 'Cause I can wait.
- I'm gonna wring your damn neck.
344
00:14:06,483 --> 00:14:08,183
- This is awful, like, really...
- Okay, okay. Get out.
345
00:14:08,232 --> 00:14:09,701
- This is worse than last time.
- Honestly, physically removing you now.
346
00:14:09,720 --> 00:14:11,045
- I'm going.
- Out of my house.
347
00:14:13,938 --> 00:14:16,413
It's a sour ball,
not a bank safe.
348
00:14:16,437 --> 00:14:18,597
Just open the candy.
349
00:14:18,616 --> 00:14:20,057
- Are you hungry?
- Yes, I'm starving.
350
00:14:20,069 --> 00:14:21,621
Why don't you go
upstairs to the kitchen?
351
00:14:21,640 --> 00:14:24,125
- It's full of food.
- Just give me the damn candy.
352
00:14:24,165 --> 00:14:26,410
- Go get it.
- Wait, no, no, no.
353
00:14:27,488 --> 00:14:28,139
Aah.
354
00:14:28,168 --> 00:14:29,932
Okay, I have, like,
a stabbing pain, it's--
355
00:14:29,962 --> 00:14:31,560
and it's, and it's
like right here.
356
00:14:31,572 --> 00:14:32,841
It's my pishy.
357
00:14:32,875 --> 00:14:34,600
I, I have to pish.
358
00:14:34,983 --> 00:14:36,065
I think we should take a break.
359
00:14:36,089 --> 00:14:38,359
- Leave and you're out.
- Drown in your own urine.
360
00:14:38,607 --> 00:14:39,540
I got to find a condom.
361
00:14:39,558 --> 00:14:40,991
I need a condom!
362
00:14:41,016 --> 00:14:42,472
But I still want the spot.
363
00:14:44,719 --> 00:14:46,667
Come on, come on, come on,
Nick, come on.
364
00:14:50,194 --> 00:14:51,577
Okay.
365
00:14:51,613 --> 00:14:53,710
Condom, condom, condom.
366
00:14:54,633 --> 00:14:55,928
Damn it.
367
00:14:55,958 --> 00:14:57,700
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
368
00:14:57,721 --> 00:15:01,223
Here we go... here we go.
369
00:15:01,258 --> 00:15:03,605
I mean, she's either having
crazy amounts of sex
370
00:15:03,618 --> 00:15:05,064
or she does not know how
to use these things.
371
00:15:07,932 --> 00:15:11,569
Oh, just focus, man,
bring it in.
372
00:15:11,863 --> 00:15:13,297
Absorb it.
373
00:15:16,826 --> 00:15:17,652
Yeah.
374
00:15:17,673 --> 00:15:19,237
Did you just pee
inside your body?
375
00:15:19,280 --> 00:15:20,012
Yes.
376
00:15:20,054 --> 00:15:21,423
This is your fault, Nick.
377
00:15:21,435 --> 00:15:24,001
You compromised the whole loft.
We had an agreement.
378
00:15:24,046 --> 00:15:25,868
When Jessica Day signed
that lease,
379
00:15:25,892 --> 00:15:28,812
you, me, and Coach
all took a no-nail oath.
380
00:15:28,831 --> 00:15:30,245
No-nail oath?
381
00:15:30,272 --> 00:15:33,710
- I didn't break the no-nail oath.
- Your mouth nailed her mouth.
382
00:15:33,728 --> 00:15:36,626
For the record,
no one nailed my mouth.
383
00:15:36,645 --> 00:15:38,013
That's important to me.
384
00:15:38,092 --> 00:15:40,526
Also, we didn't do
anything wrong.
385
00:15:40,561 --> 00:15:43,109
- Do you know nothing about men?
- Yeah, I know nothing about men.
386
00:15:43,133 --> 00:15:46,329
That's why I'm wearing
a short skirt and wool tights.
387
00:15:46,347 --> 00:15:49,703
A woman cannot be in close quarters
with three men and kiss one of them.
388
00:15:49,738 --> 00:15:51,251
What fuels men?
389
00:15:51,282 --> 00:15:53,264
Competition and sex.
390
00:15:53,318 --> 00:15:55,111
That's why the United Nations
was formed,
391
00:15:55,136 --> 00:15:57,014
that's why girls aren't allowed
on pirate ships,
392
00:15:57,038 --> 00:16:00,342
and that is why there is a no-nail
oath in apartment 4D,
393
00:16:00,354 --> 00:16:03,088
and deep down inside,
Nick knows that I'm right.
394
00:16:03,141 --> 00:16:03,880
Mm-hmm,
395
00:16:03,916 --> 00:16:06,366
back me up here, Nick.
- I just want a piece of candy.
396
00:16:06,385 --> 00:16:08,560
Are you serious?
You didn't give me the spot
397
00:16:08,587 --> 00:16:09,811
and now you won't back me up?
398
00:16:09,848 --> 00:16:11,733
- You coward.
- Why should he?
399
00:16:11,806 --> 00:16:14,611
Because he--
because...
400
00:16:14,629 --> 00:16:16,116
Because, what, you kissed,
401
00:16:16,157 --> 00:16:20,278
and now he owes you some sort of
emotional support and loyalty?
402
00:16:20,565 --> 00:16:23,433
Reason number two
for the no-nail oath--
403
00:16:23,757 --> 00:16:25,757
bitches be crazy.
404
00:16:25,870 --> 00:16:26,870
Isn't that right, Nick?
405
00:16:26,907 --> 00:16:29,684
I found garbage that
has chocolate on it.
406
00:16:31,333 --> 00:16:32,837
Daisy, I'm back.
407
00:16:39,949 --> 00:16:41,018
Daisy.
408
00:16:41,083 --> 00:16:42,702
Hey, Daisy,
409
00:16:42,860 --> 00:16:44,648
I'm here!
Where you at?!
410
00:16:44,747 --> 00:16:45,849
I don't have my phone,
411
00:16:45,862 --> 00:16:47,737
and all these buildings look
alike, and I...
412
00:16:47,755 --> 00:16:49,022
Hey, Daisy!
413
00:16:49,071 --> 00:16:50,171
- You know Daisy?
- Shut up.
414
00:16:50,208 --> 00:16:51,250
No?
All right, okay, cool.
415
00:16:51,274 --> 00:16:53,679
Now, I walked around with
"yum" on my butt all day.
416
00:16:53,706 --> 00:16:57,121
I deserve sex-- protected sex.
417
00:16:57,851 --> 00:17:01,421
Daisy...!
418
00:17:02,137 --> 00:17:03,909
Schmidt's right.
419
00:17:04,379 --> 00:17:06,207
I thought we could go back
to the way things were,
420
00:17:06,224 --> 00:17:07,568
but we can't.
421
00:17:07,976 --> 00:17:09,654
You nailed my mouth...
422
00:17:10,255 --> 00:17:14,057
and you nailed it good
and hard and strong.
423
00:17:14,115 --> 00:17:15,534
Now things have changed.
424
00:17:15,576 --> 00:17:17,543
Okay, but they don't have
to have changed.
425
00:17:17,618 --> 00:17:20,320
It's just different,
Nick, it is.
426
00:17:20,388 --> 00:17:23,686
That kiss was the dumbest
mistake I have ever made--
427
00:17:23,742 --> 00:17:25,881
dumber than Caroline,
dumber than law school,
428
00:17:25,911 --> 00:17:27,376
dumber than when I
thought it was pronounced
429
00:17:27,413 --> 00:17:29,219
"Brock Omabrama."
430
00:17:29,376 --> 00:17:30,007
What?
431
00:17:30,032 --> 00:17:32,040
I thought his name was
pronounced "Brock Oma..."
432
00:17:32,549 --> 00:17:33,645
It's not...
433
00:17:33,663 --> 00:17:36,662
If I could go back in time
and take back the kiss, I would.
434
00:17:36,689 --> 00:17:39,323
I would take it back,
I regret it.
435
00:17:40,809 --> 00:17:42,533
Congratulations,
436
00:17:42,798 --> 00:17:46,131
you're the proud owner
of a new parking spot.
437
00:17:48,012 --> 00:17:49,813
Oh, you got to be kidding me.
438
00:17:50,724 --> 00:17:52,570
Jess, wait.
439
00:17:54,219 --> 00:17:55,601
You realize, every second
440
00:17:55,620 --> 00:17:57,666
that you don't run after her,
you become more and more
441
00:17:57,684 --> 00:17:59,330
of a buttwad, don't you?
442
00:17:59,492 --> 00:18:00,939
Did you pee yourself?
443
00:18:01,069 --> 00:18:03,804
That I did, that I did.
444
00:18:09,614 --> 00:18:11,088
- Jess.
- Hi.
445
00:18:11,104 --> 00:18:12,471
Hey, look...
446
00:18:12,689 --> 00:18:13,989
Why you holding a
box of fish sticks?
447
00:18:14,007 --> 00:18:16,918
Because I'm going to go scare
the feral cats away
448
00:18:16,949 --> 00:18:19,116
that live in my current
parking spot, Nick.
449
00:18:19,153 --> 00:18:21,210
I'm going to throw
fish sticks at them
450
00:18:21,295 --> 00:18:24,089
while singing "Memory," and
don't you dare criticize me.
451
00:18:24,111 --> 00:18:25,351
I don't regret kissing you.
452
00:18:26,592 --> 00:18:29,960
I regret what it did, I regret
that it made things weird.
453
00:18:30,040 --> 00:18:32,151
We are roommates, you know, we
got to figure this out, Jess.
454
00:18:32,175 --> 00:18:33,642
A no-nail oath?
455
00:18:33,661 --> 00:18:35,086
You thought
I was going to sleep
456
00:18:35,104 --> 00:18:36,893
with one of you,
like I just couldn't help it?
457
00:18:36,912 --> 00:18:40,033
It was me, Jess, I
couldn't help it.
458
00:18:44,271 --> 00:18:46,688
- You dropped your fish sticks.
- Shut up, Nick.
459
00:18:49,574 --> 00:18:51,968
Ay, ay, ay.
460
00:18:52,042 --> 00:18:54,021
Blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah.
461
00:18:54,056 --> 00:18:56,094
- We're having a conversation.
- Will you please get out of here?
462
00:18:56,125 --> 00:18:57,532
Yeah, well, that's the problem,
isn't it?
463
00:18:57,617 --> 00:18:58,848
Because I live here, too,
464
00:18:58,860 --> 00:19:01,240
and I'm gonna be here
when all of this goes to crap.
465
00:19:01,255 --> 00:19:02,752
Next time you guys have
your dirty little thoughts
466
00:19:02,770 --> 00:19:04,939
about each other, you better be
thinking about me, too,
467
00:19:04,989 --> 00:19:07,067
because I ain't going nowhere.
468
00:19:07,098 --> 00:19:10,491
You are literally sitting
in a puddle of your own pee.
469
00:19:10,515 --> 00:19:14,708
The apartment 4D no-nail oath
right here:
470
00:19:14,848 --> 00:19:16,698
"We, the undersigned,
471
00:19:16,729 --> 00:19:19,537
"Agree never to nail
our roommate Jessica Day
472
00:19:19,576 --> 00:19:21,757
"unless the sex can be
parlayed into a business
473
00:19:21,779 --> 00:19:23,276
that provides
for all parties involved."
474
00:19:23,317 --> 00:19:24,849
- What?
- I didn't read the fine print.
475
00:19:24,873 --> 00:19:29,642
"If one of the undersigned
nails said female,
476
00:19:29,767 --> 00:19:31,045
well, then all must nail her."
477
00:19:31,064 --> 00:19:32,357
- What?! - I didn't know
there was fine print.
478
00:19:32,381 --> 00:19:34,237
- What, what?!
- I didn't know there was fine...
479
00:19:34,272 --> 00:19:36,839
Let me be very clear
here-- I am a strong,
480
00:19:36,863 --> 00:19:38,431
self-sufficient woman,
481
00:19:38,463 --> 00:19:40,692
and I will not be
nailing you, Schmidt,
482
00:19:40,721 --> 00:19:42,546
or Nick or Schmidt.
483
00:19:42,587 --> 00:19:44,088
Notice I said that twice
484
00:19:44,106 --> 00:19:46,142
because I don't feel
it's sinking in.
485
00:19:46,283 --> 00:19:48,002
There will be no nails
486
00:19:48,044 --> 00:19:50,505
or screws or hammers
487
00:19:50,535 --> 00:19:55,068
in this building area
generally, the whole thing.
488
00:19:55,150 --> 00:19:56,655
What, do you think
that I want to do this?
489
00:19:56,680 --> 00:19:58,124
Believe me, pass.
490
00:19:58,165 --> 00:20:02,583
I just don't want my home turning
into a denof sexual tension and lies.
491
00:20:02,628 --> 00:20:04,846
Now, do you want things
to go back to normal or not?
492
00:20:04,877 --> 00:20:06,170
- Yes.
- Yes, I do, but I...
493
00:20:06,207 --> 00:20:07,904
Then, I just have to kiss you.
494
00:20:07,917 --> 00:20:09,905
This is just one of those
things-- let's just do it...
495
00:20:09,911 --> 00:20:10,953
No, I-I...
496
00:20:10,977 --> 00:20:12,375
...get past it, we move on.
497
00:20:12,394 --> 00:20:13,644
I think that's a bad idea.
498
00:20:13,662 --> 00:20:16,025
- Nick, you're into this, right?
- I don't know, might help.
499
00:20:16,308 --> 00:20:18,249
- Are you serious?
- I don't know.
500
00:20:18,268 --> 00:20:20,724
Okay, fine, just get over here
and do it and do it fast.
501
00:20:20,749 --> 00:20:22,571
- I'll be a hero.
- Bring it on.
502
00:20:22,966 --> 00:20:24,702
Mmm...
503
00:20:25,726 --> 00:20:26,558
Aah.
504
00:20:26,589 --> 00:20:28,346
- Ooh.
- No.
505
00:20:28,439 --> 00:20:30,081
- No.
- Mistake.
506
00:20:30,094 --> 00:20:32,378
- It was really a mistake.
- A big mi-- I made it weirder.
507
00:20:32,392 --> 00:20:35,586
Is everyone in the world
having sex but me?!
508
00:20:35,667 --> 00:20:37,483
Old people, foreigners,
509
00:20:37,511 --> 00:20:38,478
nerds.
510
00:20:38,564 --> 00:20:39,877
Everyone's banging.
511
00:20:39,920 --> 00:20:41,357
Schmidt and Jess?!
512
00:20:41,386 --> 00:20:42,761
Everyone is out there
513
00:20:42,779 --> 00:20:44,847
getting and giving
except for old Winnie.
514
00:20:44,937 --> 00:20:45,836
Look at me--
515
00:20:45,936 --> 00:20:49,344
a man who has
absolutely nothing.
516
00:20:49,355 --> 00:20:51,287
I left my phone, my wallet,
517
00:20:51,362 --> 00:20:54,031
and my dignity
at Daisy's house.
518
00:20:54,090 --> 00:20:56,240
I even left my pants
there-- look at this.
519
00:20:56,265 --> 00:20:57,699
- Yum.
- Yum.
520
00:20:58,478 --> 00:21:01,811
I need a win, damn
it, I need a win.
521
00:21:06,518 --> 00:21:08,318
You need a win, pal.
522
00:21:10,569 --> 00:21:11,889
Yeah.
523
00:21:11,957 --> 00:21:13,857
It's a little tight in here.
524
00:21:13,892 --> 00:21:15,586
Are you sure this
isn't too tight?
525
00:21:19,961 --> 00:21:21,932
Okay, um...
526
00:21:22,775 --> 00:21:25,130
Uh-uh, this ain't gonna work.
527
00:21:25,302 --> 00:21:26,503
This ain't gonna work for me.
528
00:21:26,532 --> 00:21:27,432
Uh,
529
00:21:27,563 --> 00:21:29,116
I'm stuck.
530
00:21:29,141 --> 00:21:31,537
Guys, hey, guys.
531
00:21:31,581 --> 00:21:32,671
Hey, where y'all...?
532
00:21:32,695 --> 00:21:34,363
Guys... guys...
533
00:21:34,994 --> 00:21:36,283
guys...
534
00:21:36,740 --> 00:21:38,074
Guys!
535
00:21:38,402 --> 00:21:40,536
Hello?
536
00:21:40,699 --> 00:21:45,699
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