1
00:00:06,175 --> 00:00:07,939
Watching TV-- cool.

2
00:00:07,965 --> 00:00:09,615
Cool.

3
00:00:14,203 --> 00:00:17,460
Where do you think you're going?
That charger belongs to all of us.

4
00:00:17,514 --> 00:00:18,614
- Nowhere.
- Oh, really?

5
00:00:18,626 --> 00:00:20,253
Because it looks
like you're going

6
00:00:20,271 --> 00:00:23,001
to your room to charge
when it's not your turn.

7
00:00:23,019 --> 00:00:24,614
You know the rules, dumb-dumb.

8
00:00:24,671 --> 00:00:26,880
Charger stays in a neutral room.

9
00:00:26,892 --> 00:00:28,146
Why do we only have
one charger anyway?

10
00:00:28,164 --> 00:00:30,082
It was supposed to bring us
closer together.

11
00:00:30,100 --> 00:00:31,034
Hey, look, another charger.

12
00:00:31,040 --> 00:00:33,388
- Take him! - Get him!
- Get down!

13
00:00:33,445 --> 00:00:35,883
You guys get him started,
I'll finish him off.

14
00:00:36,736 --> 00:00:39,924
- Just... so many dude butts.
- Watch my face, man. That's my face.

15
00:00:39,961 --> 00:00:41,583
Watch my face.
Hey, that's the moneymaker.

16
00:00:41,596 --> 00:00:43,948
No, I'm gonna stop him,
I'm gonna stop...

17
00:00:44,215 --> 00:00:46,521
- Get... No!
- You are terrible at this.

18
00:00:46,558 --> 00:00:48,726
Oh, you can't
outrun the Jewish.

19
00:00:50,795 --> 00:00:51,840
That was stupid.

20
00:00:51,846 --> 00:00:53,296
They are such idiots.

21
00:00:53,309 --> 00:00:54,634
I don't know why I do this.

22
00:00:54,653 --> 00:00:56,172
The charger doesn't
even fit on my phone.

23
00:00:56,190 --> 00:00:58,521
I have, like, six chargers
in my room.

24
00:00:58,649 --> 00:00:59,881
I just do this for fun.

25
00:00:59,899 --> 00:01:01,808
It's funny.

26
00:01:05,213 --> 00:01:07,094
Well, here we are by ourselves.

27
00:01:07,145 --> 00:01:08,867
What should we do?

28
00:01:08,886 --> 00:01:11,305
- Uh, definitely not make out.
- Definitely not.

29
00:01:21,767 --> 00:01:23,418
Your hand's on my boob.

30
00:01:23,491 --> 00:01:24,891
Yeah.

31
00:01:25,138 --> 00:01:26,751
And it's weird.

32
00:01:27,009 --> 00:01:28,700
Maybe it's less weird
because I know

33
00:01:28,717 --> 00:01:30,183
that it's weird--
I'm calling it out.

34
00:01:30,202 --> 00:01:31,700
Doesn't make it less weird.

35
00:01:31,712 --> 00:01:33,708
- Right on.
- So you're an upper-boob guy.

36
00:01:33,720 --> 00:01:35,594
That's the most underrated part
of the boob.

37
00:01:35,610 --> 00:01:36,777
It's what I've always said.

38
00:01:36,798 --> 00:01:38,350
Can I ask you a question?

39
00:01:38,355 --> 00:01:41,202
- Please.
- What's going on here?

40
00:01:41,226 --> 00:01:42,627
- Yeah.
- What are we...?

41
00:01:42,645 --> 00:01:44,199
- We, us?
- What are we doing? Yeah.

42
00:01:44,211 --> 00:01:45,737
We are roommates,

43
00:01:45,782 --> 00:01:47,310
who have made out
a couple of times,

44
00:01:47,335 --> 00:01:49,259
and are attracted to each other.
- Mm-hmm.

45
00:01:49,281 --> 00:01:50,969
- And really good friends.
- Yeah.

46
00:01:50,994 --> 00:01:53,866
And sometimes genuinely
kind of hate each other.

47
00:01:54,362 --> 00:01:55,953
And sometimes...

48
00:01:55,984 --> 00:01:58,372
touch each other's boobs.

49
00:02:03,570 --> 00:02:04,902
- Little bit better...
- Not helping.

50
00:02:04,921 --> 00:02:06,149
- Little bit worse?
- Yeah.

51
00:02:06,660 --> 00:02:08,076
♪ Who's that girl?

52
00:02:08,100 --> 00:02:10,531
♪ <i>Who's that girl?</i> ♪
♪ It's Jess.

53
00:02:10,549 --> 00:02:12,849
New Girl
S02E21
First Date

54
00:02:12,879 --> 00:02:15,179
Sync and corrections by Norther
www.addic7ed.com

55
00:02:15,481 --> 00:02:17,889
Would you describe this
as a sexual act?

56
00:02:17,914 --> 00:02:20,297
I would describe that
as the pledge of allegiance,

57
00:02:20,348 --> 00:02:21,952
which can be sexual. Why?

58
00:02:21,976 --> 00:02:24,257
Because this is what
I got from Nick.

59
00:02:24,315 --> 00:02:26,103
Just out of the blue.
No reason.

60
00:02:26,121 --> 00:02:27,723
Our relationship's
so confusing.

61
00:02:27,742 --> 00:02:29,570
But this is Nick
we're talking about.

62
00:02:29,589 --> 00:02:31,912
He's never gonna tell
me how he feels.

63
00:02:31,924 --> 00:02:33,305
It's always gonna be weird.

64
00:02:33,317 --> 00:02:35,537
And I have to stop
expecting for it to...

65
00:02:35,733 --> 00:02:36,572
change. What?

66
00:02:36,584 --> 00:02:38,381
You realize your hand
is still on your boob, right?

67
00:02:38,399 --> 00:02:40,357
I can't explain it, it's...

68
00:02:40,640 --> 00:02:42,678
it's, like, really
calming me down.

69
00:02:42,703 --> 00:02:46,134
I mean, the sexual tension
has been off the charts.

70
00:02:46,165 --> 00:02:47,860
It's like the wild west.

71
00:02:47,879 --> 00:02:49,668
No laws.

72
00:02:49,687 --> 00:02:51,054
Whiskey for a nickel.

73
00:02:51,089 --> 00:02:52,956
Whores caked in mud.

74
00:02:52,991 --> 00:02:54,658
I don't know what to do.

75
00:02:55,286 --> 00:02:57,556
You're always there
when I need you, Tran.

76
00:02:57,812 --> 00:02:59,354
Thank you.

77
00:02:59,548 --> 00:03:01,225
I'm glad you got no life.

78
00:03:02,604 --> 00:03:05,260
I'm joking.
Would you settle down?

79
00:03:05,401 --> 00:03:07,239
My father just died.

80
00:03:07,405 --> 00:03:08,839
I don't know,
life's short, huh?

81
00:03:08,873 --> 00:03:10,698
It just kind of...

82
00:03:11,218 --> 00:03:12,997
I got to start
doing things, Tran.

83
00:03:13,022 --> 00:03:15,519
Making moves,
grown-up moves.

84
00:03:15,571 --> 00:03:17,990
I don't know, I want things.
I want to, like, mow a lawn,

85
00:03:18,014 --> 00:03:20,484
you know, my lawn,
in dark socks.

86
00:03:22,119 --> 00:03:23,938
What's my move with Jess?

87
00:03:24,136 --> 00:03:25,603
What would you do?

88
00:03:26,350 --> 00:03:29,730
Of course you would,
you dirty dog.

89
00:03:31,284 --> 00:03:33,318
Well, in reality, Tran,

90
00:03:33,432 --> 00:03:35,600
what would do if you were me?

91
00:03:37,796 --> 00:03:39,265
A date?

92
00:03:39,370 --> 00:03:41,405
What if that's not
what she wants?

93
00:03:41,650 --> 00:03:42,751
What if she... oh!

94
00:03:42,774 --> 00:03:44,288
What if she...?

95
00:03:44,572 --> 00:03:46,206
All right, you're right--
no second-guessing.

96
00:03:46,229 --> 00:03:48,130
I got to be confident,
I've got to be clear.

97
00:03:48,148 --> 00:03:49,668
Women like that.

98
00:03:49,694 --> 00:03:51,628
All right, I just got to say...

99
00:03:53,168 --> 00:03:54,662
Jessica,

100
00:03:54,862 --> 00:03:56,830
you are a beautiful woman,

101
00:03:57,046 --> 00:04:02,052
and my life has not been
the same since I met you.

102
00:04:02,349 --> 00:04:05,412
And it would mean the world
to me if you would, uh...

103
00:04:05,906 --> 00:04:07,707
go on a date with me.

104
00:04:12,499 --> 00:04:13,812
Hey, Nick.

105
00:04:14,675 --> 00:04:16,314
Jess...

106
00:04:16,845 --> 00:04:18,495
...ica.

107
00:04:18,712 --> 00:04:21,946
Dirty J, Dr. day,
my toilet sister.

108
00:04:21,964 --> 00:04:24,286
If so, food.

109
00:04:26,219 --> 00:04:27,551
You want to get food later?

110
00:04:32,320 --> 00:04:34,055
I'm gonna get dressed now.

111
00:04:35,607 --> 00:04:37,061
Okay, bye.

112
00:04:38,951 --> 00:04:41,713
- Did you put the charger the bathroom?
- The most neutral room in the loft.

113
00:04:41,743 --> 00:04:43,469
- Yeah, well, I moved it to the kitchen.
- The kitchen?

114
00:04:43,481 --> 00:04:45,247
- Hey, guys.
- Nick, what's more neutral?

115
00:04:45,301 --> 00:04:48,144
The awesome bathroom or
the stupid, stupid kitchen?

116
00:04:48,169 --> 00:04:50,528
I have a lot of thoughts
on this, but first, Schmidt,

117
00:04:50,546 --> 00:04:51,878
I have a favor.

118
00:04:51,940 --> 00:04:54,105
- It's about my clothes.
- Burn them, burn them all.

119
00:04:54,136 --> 00:04:56,484
No, no, no, no, no,
I have a date tonight,

120
00:04:56,509 --> 00:04:58,294
and, you know, there's a lot
of women who sleep with you,

121
00:04:58,313 --> 00:05:00,551
and I can't figure out why, so maybe
it's about clothes, and maybe...

122
00:05:00,575 --> 00:05:03,199
Are you asking me if I'll help
you pick out clothing

123
00:05:03,218 --> 00:05:05,168
so you can seduce a woman?
- I was.

124
00:05:05,186 --> 00:05:09,194
I don't know. It's only all I've been
wanting for the past ten years, Nick.

125
00:05:10,560 --> 00:05:13,529
Yes, that is how you wrap
a son of a bitch in wool.

126
00:05:13,582 --> 00:05:15,861
Now, if somebody asks you
who you're wearing tonight,

127
00:05:15,886 --> 00:05:17,599
what do you say? Do it, bro.
- I don't want to do that.

128
00:05:17,616 --> 00:05:19,385
- I don't want to do that.
- Do it.

129
00:05:21,206 --> 00:05:22,808
- I'm wearing Schmidt. Yeah.
- Yeah, you are.

130
00:05:22,833 --> 00:05:25,247
And neckscape by Winston.

131
00:05:25,272 --> 00:05:28,117
Oh... whoa, who is
that handsome devil?

132
00:05:28,141 --> 00:05:30,091
Okay, now, here's some things
you want to hide about yourself

133
00:05:30,103 --> 00:05:31,452
on tonight's date, okay?
- Definitely, yeah.

134
00:05:31,476 --> 00:05:32,907
That you're cheap,
you're a heavy drinker,

135
00:05:32,917 --> 00:05:34,684
you're broke and you have
a problem with anger.

136
00:05:34,702 --> 00:05:36,151
Your car is horrible.

137
00:05:36,170 --> 00:05:38,851
So go ahead and take
my new Foscapay.

138
00:05:40,121 --> 00:05:41,679
What's a Foscapay?

139
00:05:42,025 --> 00:05:42,935
Uh, Ford Escape.

140
00:05:42,953 --> 00:05:44,382
I'm still work-shopping
nicknames.

141
00:05:44,430 --> 00:05:45,935
- By the way, who's the girl?
- Who's the girl?

142
00:05:45,953 --> 00:05:47,334
- Who's the girl? Yeah.
- Uh, what's her name?

143
00:05:47,353 --> 00:05:48,972
It's, uh, yeah, it's, uh...

144
00:05:49,228 --> 00:05:51,862
Her name is, uh,
obviously Yolanda.

145
00:05:52,417 --> 00:05:55,042
Uh...
her last name is Winston.

146
00:05:57,488 --> 00:05:59,843
- I should go.
- Oh, I love latino girls.

147
00:06:00,345 --> 00:06:01,512
Yolanda Winston.

148
00:06:01,976 --> 00:06:03,122
Schmidt, that's a fake name.

149
00:06:03,128 --> 00:06:05,063
Yeah, but why would
he lie about...

150
00:06:05,084 --> 00:06:06,251
Oh, my God.

151
00:06:06,391 --> 00:06:08,659
- Nick is a male escort.
- Jess...

152
00:06:10,206 --> 00:06:11,970
- Probably not a... Yeah.
- Jess, man.

153
00:06:11,982 --> 00:06:15,313
Do you realize what it means
if Jess and Nick become a couple?

154
00:06:15,332 --> 00:06:17,002
Nick is our glue, man.
You know, without him,

155
00:06:17,027 --> 00:06:18,505
it just doesn't work--
it never has.

156
00:06:19,172 --> 00:06:21,148
See what I mean?
He's awesome, man.

157
00:06:21,167 --> 00:06:23,205
This is my,
one of my best friends, too.

158
00:06:23,240 --> 00:06:24,783
I'm gonna use the bathroom.

159
00:06:32,543 --> 00:06:34,137
Nick...

160
00:06:36,149 --> 00:06:37,143
Nick...

161
00:06:37,329 --> 00:06:40,049
All of our stories start
and end with Nick.

162
00:06:40,098 --> 00:06:41,761
What if Nick decides
he's gonna leave us?

163
00:06:41,786 --> 00:06:43,361
Well, you know what
we have to do, right?

164
00:06:43,636 --> 00:06:44,640
We're gonna track Jess down

165
00:06:44,659 --> 00:06:46,771
and kill her with this knife.
- We have to sabotage the date.

166
00:06:47,945 --> 00:06:49,896
Or we do your thing.

167
00:06:51,151 --> 00:06:52,818
Let's do your thing.

168
00:06:56,618 --> 00:06:58,415
- Hey, Jess.
- Hey.

169
00:06:58,446 --> 00:07:00,435
What are you doing over
there by the hot dogs?

170
00:07:00,458 --> 00:07:03,121
You gave me the address, I just assumed
we were eating at the hot dog stand.

171
00:07:03,146 --> 00:07:04,720
- No...
- Why are you wearing a suit?

172
00:07:04,745 --> 00:07:06,458
Did you just apply
for a loan or something?

173
00:07:06,483 --> 00:07:08,397
No, I'm, uh...

174
00:07:11,166 --> 00:07:12,116
I'm wearing Schmidt.

175
00:07:12,134 --> 00:07:13,303
You're wear...
you're wearing what?

176
00:07:13,321 --> 00:07:14,650
I'm wearing Schmidt, uh...

177
00:07:14,662 --> 00:07:15,781
Winston shaved my face.

178
00:07:17,350 --> 00:07:18,026
Weird.

179
00:07:18,044 --> 00:07:19,907
Well, come on, let's
get some dinner.

180
00:07:20,027 --> 00:07:22,719
- Come on, I got a reservation.
- Come on.

181
00:07:23,894 --> 00:07:24,478
What?

182
00:07:24,496 --> 00:07:26,467
Hi, there, sir.
Afraid, uh,

183
00:07:26,508 --> 00:07:28,828
you apparently didn't see
the crosswalk was over there.

184
00:07:28,840 --> 00:07:31,570
Oh, let's not sweat the small stuff,
officer. I'm walking across the street.

185
00:07:31,576 --> 00:07:33,734
- Afraid I'm gonna have to write you
up for jaywalking. - Stay calm,

186
00:07:33,752 --> 00:07:35,159
make tiny fists with your toes.

187
00:07:35,196 --> 00:07:37,262
- I'm really sorry about this.
- Jess, I'm not upset.

188
00:07:37,293 --> 00:07:38,831
This man is merely doing his job.

189
00:07:38,862 --> 00:07:39,958
You were right, I was wrong.

190
00:07:39,975 --> 00:07:41,743
Here you go, sir.
Thank you, officer.

191
00:07:42,148 --> 00:07:43,820
$340?!

192
00:07:43,838 --> 00:07:46,783
Yeah, I know it's a lot.
They raised it last year, I think.

193
00:07:47,047 --> 00:07:47,916
Have a good night, ma'am.

194
00:07:47,943 --> 00:07:50,495
- All right, just scram.
- You too, sir.

195
00:07:51,242 --> 00:07:52,629
Dinner?

196
00:07:53,242 --> 00:07:54,953
- Okay.
- Okay.

197
00:07:56,178 --> 00:07:58,034
- After you.
- Thank you.

198
00:07:58,052 --> 00:07:59,419
Okay.

199
00:08:00,093 --> 00:08:01,562
Very lovely.

200
00:08:04,184 --> 00:08:05,618
What an establishment.

201
00:08:05,670 --> 00:08:07,243
It's my favorite in the city.

202
00:08:08,245 --> 00:08:09,478
Right on time.

203
00:08:09,565 --> 00:08:10,912
Oh...

204
00:08:10,958 --> 00:08:12,784
Keep it coming.

205
00:08:14,348 --> 00:08:16,372
Hey, Nick,
can I ask you a question?

206
00:08:16,412 --> 00:08:17,491
What's on your mind?

207
00:08:17,516 --> 00:08:18,972
Well, I'm just asking...

208
00:08:18,996 --> 00:08:20,726
if this is a date.

209
00:08:23,892 --> 00:08:27,780
- What do you mean, "is this a date?"
- I'm just... I'm asking you if this is a date.

210
00:08:28,225 --> 00:08:29,492
It seems like a date.

211
00:08:29,791 --> 00:08:32,078
You've been thinking it's
a date this whole time?

212
00:08:32,181 --> 00:08:33,932
- I'm just asking you.
- How embarrassing for you.

213
00:08:33,957 --> 00:08:35,809
No, for me, it's just
hanging out in a suit,

214
00:08:35,834 --> 00:08:37,647
getting champagne
with my friend.

215
00:08:39,660 --> 00:08:41,356
I think we're ready to order.

216
00:08:41,469 --> 00:08:43,159
I have an idea--
I'm gonna have the bartender

217
00:08:43,190 --> 00:08:44,990
send over two
tropical cocktails.

218
00:08:45,018 --> 00:08:46,789
Jess will be all,
"Why, thank you."

219
00:08:46,818 --> 00:08:49,063
Nick will be all, "Grandpa
didn't get a face full

220
00:08:49,087 --> 00:08:52,596
of Japanese bullets just so you
could drink a melted popsicle."

221
00:08:52,599 --> 00:08:53,249
Or...

222
00:08:53,261 --> 00:08:54,960
we could break into a zoo,

223
00:08:54,994 --> 00:08:56,736
steal a bear,

224
00:08:56,790 --> 00:09:00,157
then we shoot that bear full
of Hep C, and then we release

225
00:09:00,175 --> 00:09:02,794
that bear in the restaurant
right when they order dessert.

226
00:09:02,813 --> 00:09:04,564
- Winston, you're terrible at pranks.
- I get that.

227
00:09:04,611 --> 00:09:07,200
You don't think just a bear
alone in a restaurant is enough?

228
00:09:07,221 --> 00:09:09,351
- You know who would know what to do?
- I do know who would know what to do.

229
00:09:09,374 --> 00:09:10,701
- Nick.
- Nick.

230
00:09:12,393 --> 00:09:14,018
We can't call him, right?

231
00:09:18,857 --> 00:09:19,664
Ooh.

232
00:09:19,670 --> 00:09:22,283
They have, uh, Brussels sprouts
with pancetta.

233
00:09:22,327 --> 00:09:23,990
That's a fancy name for bacon.

234
00:09:24,378 --> 00:09:26,022
Hold the Brussels sprouts.
Am I right?

235
00:09:26,055 --> 00:09:28,780
Everybody loves
bacon, Jess-- New topic.

236
00:09:29,568 --> 00:09:31,143
You know, um...

237
00:09:31,400 --> 00:09:33,211
- If this were a date...
- Yeah, but it wasn't, Jess...

238
00:09:33,230 --> 00:09:35,418
- But, I mean, if it were...
- It wasn't a...

239
00:09:35,942 --> 00:09:38,607
And it's probably good
because your ex-boyfriend just

240
00:09:38,625 --> 00:09:40,207
walked into the restaurant.

241
00:09:40,234 --> 00:09:42,172
- Who?
- The only man we both loved.

242
00:09:42,217 --> 00:09:43,396
Russell.

243
00:09:43,421 --> 00:09:44,702
- Hey.
- Hi.

244
00:09:44,740 --> 00:09:47,461
Hi, so this is why
you dumped me, huh?

245
00:09:47,467 --> 00:09:48,724
- Oh, well...
- No...

246
00:09:48,743 --> 00:09:50,374
Just kidding.
I'm glad to see

247
00:09:50,392 --> 00:09:51,480
this is finally happening.

248
00:09:51,498 --> 00:09:52,944
- Nothing's happening, so...
- Nothing's happening

249
00:09:52,962 --> 00:09:54,779
because I was never told
it was happening,

250
00:09:54,816 --> 00:09:58,015
so if a happening happens and
you don't know that it happened,

251
00:09:58,040 --> 00:09:59,456
did it happen, you know?

252
00:09:59,593 --> 00:10:00,379
Right on.

253
00:10:00,397 --> 00:10:02,955
Um, hey, enjoy my lucky table.

254
00:10:03,278 --> 00:10:04,721
I'm Brandy.

255
00:10:07,319 --> 00:10:08,856
Okay.

256
00:10:12,080 --> 00:10:13,549
You know what?

257
00:10:13,986 --> 00:10:16,676
Can we just forget
about this date,

258
00:10:16,821 --> 00:10:18,960
or not-date, and...

259
00:10:18,994 --> 00:10:20,508
Maybe start over

260
00:10:20,533 --> 00:10:22,456
and go get a drink
at the bar as friends?

261
00:10:22,486 --> 00:10:23,785
Drinking to forget?

262
00:10:23,803 --> 00:10:25,360
That's my sweet spot.

263
00:10:25,835 --> 00:10:27,510
- Let's do that.
- Okay.

264
00:10:27,683 --> 00:10:29,884
These clothes
are so uncomfortable.

265
00:10:30,357 --> 00:10:32,542
Glad to get it off.
In there.

266
00:10:32,985 --> 00:10:34,234
You ready to drink
with a friend?

267
00:10:34,253 --> 00:10:35,860
- I am, Jess.
- Yes.

268
00:10:35,879 --> 00:10:38,021
Let's do this.

269
00:10:39,311 --> 00:10:41,650
Why isn't the crosswalk here?
Just let it out.

270
00:10:41,681 --> 00:10:44,319
- Just let it out.
- This is where people want to cross, sir.

271
00:10:44,349 --> 00:10:45,425
We don't need our table.

272
00:10:45,444 --> 00:10:47,491
We're sitting at the bar.
Not a date.

273
00:10:47,516 --> 00:10:50,044
Your table's all yours--
not on a date.

274
00:10:50,069 --> 00:10:51,268
<i>I think we're doing too much</i>

275
00:10:51,286 --> 00:10:54,325
brainstorming and not enough
good old-fashioned remembering.

276
00:10:54,331 --> 00:10:56,962
What's the worst thing that you've
ever experienced on a date?

277
00:10:58,066 --> 00:11:01,761
♪ I will be your father figure

278
00:11:01,791 --> 00:11:05,029
♪ put your tiny hand in mine

279
00:11:05,052 --> 00:11:08,185
♪ I will be your
preacher teacher ♪

280
00:11:08,228 --> 00:11:11,215
♪ Anything you have in mind

281
00:11:11,246 --> 00:11:14,465
♪ I will be your father figure

282
00:11:14,486 --> 00:11:17,488
♪ I have had enough of crime

283
00:11:17,697 --> 00:11:21,299
♪ I will be the one
who loves you ♪

284
00:11:21,684 --> 00:11:25,026
♪ Till the end of time.

285
00:11:27,224 --> 00:11:29,267
Outside Dave,
my friend Winston here

286
00:11:29,286 --> 00:11:30,917
holds in his hands the lyrics

287
00:11:30,981 --> 00:11:33,145
to sir George Michael's
"Father Figure."

288
00:11:33,157 --> 00:11:35,013
- I'm familiar.
- What's it gonna take for you to lose

289
00:11:35,025 --> 00:11:36,668
the shirt and go ruin
a date for us?

290
00:11:36,674 --> 00:11:38,474
We're willing
to pay you handsomely.

291
00:11:38,646 --> 00:11:40,556
Four million U.S. dollars

292
00:11:40,568 --> 00:11:42,686
and a trip to wine country.

293
00:11:46,876 --> 00:11:49,210
I don't have $4 million.

294
00:11:49,595 --> 00:11:50,626
All right, give him that.

295
00:11:50,679 --> 00:11:52,180
I'll tell you what.

296
00:11:52,470 --> 00:11:54,130
25 minutes of TV time

297
00:11:54,147 --> 00:11:56,557
and two home-cooked
sandwiches.

298
00:11:58,187 --> 00:12:01,063
One home-cooked sandwich.

299
00:12:02,725 --> 00:12:04,105
- Deal.
- Yeah, deal.

300
00:12:04,155 --> 00:12:05,330
Okay, Outside Dave.

301
00:12:05,362 --> 00:12:08,100
Make yourself at home here on the couch,
and I'll get started on those sandwiches...

302
00:12:08,118 --> 00:12:09,978
To the laboratory!

303
00:12:10,393 --> 00:12:12,300
Diversion!

304
00:12:12,667 --> 00:12:14,391
Two urinals?

305
00:12:14,422 --> 00:12:15,639
I'm rich!

306
00:12:17,171 --> 00:12:18,605
You both have jobs.

307
00:12:18,615 --> 00:12:19,836
Get another charger.

308
00:12:19,854 --> 00:12:21,188
I love those guys,
but they're idiots.

309
00:12:21,213 --> 00:12:23,157
- They are idiots.
- They are so dumb.

310
00:12:23,182 --> 00:12:25,161
To their credit,
they don't go around

311
00:12:25,185 --> 00:12:27,341
randomly grabbing
each other's boobs.

312
00:12:27,467 --> 00:12:29,911
- That we know of.
- Randomly? Oh, no way.

313
00:12:29,938 --> 00:12:31,529
You put it out there, Jess.

314
00:12:31,547 --> 00:12:32,672
- What?
- Yes, you do.

315
00:12:32,678 --> 00:12:34,302
I do not put it out there.

316
00:12:34,321 --> 00:12:36,208
"Hey, Nick, will you help me
open this jar?"

317
00:12:36,233 --> 00:12:36,980
What?

318
00:12:36,999 --> 00:12:38,155
- Yes.
- I can't open the jar.

319
00:12:38,182 --> 00:12:39,980
"How do you restart
the Internet?"

320
00:12:39,993 --> 00:12:41,753
That's just me suffering
through life.

321
00:12:41,765 --> 00:12:43,188
You have to stop,

322
00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:45,712
because it's ridiculously hot.

323
00:12:46,090 --> 00:12:47,628
Okay?

324
00:12:48,228 --> 00:12:50,734
It's... hard for me
to deal with,

325
00:12:50,739 --> 00:12:52,345
'cause it's too hot.

326
00:12:53,160 --> 00:12:53,995
All right, fine.

327
00:12:54,013 --> 00:12:56,623
Then you have to stop
gargling your beer.

328
00:12:56,846 --> 00:12:58,465
- That's a turn-on?
- It's hot.

329
00:12:59,986 --> 00:13:02,161
- That is so weird, that that's a turn-on.
- You're like...

330
00:13:02,179 --> 00:13:03,650
Might as well be in, like, a...

331
00:13:03,662 --> 00:13:05,568
like a hose, spraying you down.

332
00:13:05,582 --> 00:13:08,162
You are out of your mind.

333
00:13:11,323 --> 00:13:12,557
Hey.

334
00:13:13,833 --> 00:13:16,140
Do you want to get some dinner?

335
00:13:19,068 --> 00:13:20,635
Like a...

336
00:13:21,025 --> 00:13:22,775
like a date?

337
00:13:24,389 --> 00:13:26,757
- Yeah. Let's...
- Okay.

338
00:13:27,964 --> 00:13:29,798
- Yes! Let's do it!
- We're going on a date!

339
00:13:29,845 --> 00:13:30,912
- Yes!
- Yes!

340
00:13:33,476 --> 00:13:35,173
Come on, guys.

341
00:13:35,575 --> 00:13:38,019
Guys, so sorry. Curveball.

342
00:13:38,044 --> 00:13:39,375
We need the table back.

343
00:13:39,409 --> 00:13:41,002
We <i>are</i> on a date.

344
00:13:41,058 --> 00:13:42,935
- We are on a date.
- Amazing.

345
00:13:42,962 --> 00:13:45,859
Hey, Marc, could you clear the table
but leave the breadsticks?

346
00:13:46,111 --> 00:13:48,086
Actually, don't clear the table,
'cause that looks good.

347
00:13:48,977 --> 00:13:50,333
Could you clear the fish?

348
00:13:53,742 --> 00:13:55,677
I don't want to be
too forward, but...

349
00:13:55,711 --> 00:13:58,699
whatever baby wants, baby gets.

350
00:13:58,742 --> 00:13:59,617
Daddy's buying.

351
00:13:59,629 --> 00:14:01,181
Well, look,
you keep buying my drinks,

352
00:14:01,191 --> 00:14:03,117
I'll put out
no matter what you say.

353
00:14:03,141 --> 00:14:04,628
- Ooh.
- I guess the good ones

354
00:14:04,658 --> 00:14:06,689
<i>aren't</i> all married or gay.

355
00:14:07,789 --> 00:14:09,077
How many have we had?

356
00:14:09,102 --> 00:14:11,087
Ooh!

357
00:14:12,441 --> 00:14:13,661
Hey, Russell!

358
00:14:13,722 --> 00:14:14,674
Nice to see you!

359
00:14:14,686 --> 00:14:16,396
Date's going really well.

360
00:14:16,795 --> 00:14:18,418
That's... that's great news.

361
00:14:18,449 --> 00:14:20,257
- Really, really nice to see you guys.
- Yeah.

362
00:14:20,275 --> 00:14:21,788
You two are...

363
00:14:22,432 --> 00:14:23,980
really something.

364
00:14:29,099 --> 00:14:31,175
"Really something."
What does that mean?

365
00:14:31,475 --> 00:14:33,335
- Hmm.
- You know, we're having a great date.

366
00:14:33,354 --> 00:14:34,597
- Right?
- Who cares what he thinks?

367
00:14:34,616 --> 00:14:36,270
- Who cares what he says?
- I don't... agree.

368
00:14:43,201 --> 00:14:44,807
- Hey! Hey, Russell!
- Hey!

369
00:14:44,826 --> 00:14:46,507
- Oh, God. Where's my car?
- Hey, you said we were

370
00:14:46,532 --> 00:14:48,575
- "really something..." and we want to know
what that means. - What does that mean?

371
00:14:48,595 --> 00:14:50,676
- Yeah.
- This may come as a shock,

372
00:14:50,699 --> 00:14:52,657
but I have no opinion
about you two.

373
00:14:52,681 --> 00:14:54,807
Did you valet?
God, that is classy.

374
00:14:54,819 --> 00:14:56,605
You know what?
You can't just tell

375
00:14:56,648 --> 00:14:59,019
two people that they're
"really something"

376
00:14:59,038 --> 00:15:00,407
and just walk away.

377
00:15:00,426 --> 00:15:02,047
Fine. You-you want
to know what I meant?

378
00:15:02,073 --> 00:15:04,335
- Yes! - You live together and
you had three dates tonight.

379
00:15:04,477 --> 00:15:05,890
What's that?

380
00:15:06,038 --> 00:15:09,564
I think you guys don't really know
what you are to each other. Right?

381
00:15:09,582 --> 00:15:11,946
- Well, you're wrong. No, you're wrong. Yeah.
- You are wrong, because we know what we are...

382
00:15:11,958 --> 00:15:13,520
We do know... yeah.
We know what we are.

383
00:15:13,543 --> 00:15:14,755
Okay, this'll be fun.

384
00:15:14,768 --> 00:15:17,187
Tell you what.
Why don't you write it down?

385
00:15:17,456 --> 00:15:18,675
Seriously.

386
00:15:18,727 --> 00:15:20,377
Write down what
you think this is.

387
00:15:20,395 --> 00:15:21,742
Is this a relationship,

388
00:15:21,761 --> 00:15:23,968
a one-night stand,
above the waist only?

389
00:15:24,117 --> 00:15:24,924
No wrong answers.

390
00:15:24,936 --> 00:15:26,513
- You had two pens on you this whole time?
- Well, sure.

391
00:15:26,535 --> 00:15:28,529
- That's the move right there.
- You better believe it.

392
00:15:34,779 --> 00:15:37,604
This is so much
better than the gutter!

393
00:15:37,635 --> 00:15:40,241
I'm calling the Police, I'm calling
the D.A., I'm calling somebody.

394
00:15:40,260 --> 00:15:43,096
- Mmm, smells like ladies in here.
- Damn it. My battery's dead.

395
00:15:43,108 --> 00:15:46,165
Yeah, mine, too.
Where is the charger?

396
00:15:48,284 --> 00:15:50,793
Schmidt, you put the charger
back in the bathroom?

397
00:15:50,812 --> 00:15:53,065
I'm sorry, okay? I thought it
was the neutralest room.

398
00:15:53,090 --> 00:15:55,009
Three, two, one...

399
00:15:55,159 --> 00:15:56,726
...zero!

400
00:16:01,336 --> 00:16:02,843
- Let's just go, Brandy.
- Wait. No, no, no, no.

401
00:16:02,866 --> 00:16:05,497
- Don't go. Yeah, I got it, too. Me, too.
- I got this, I got this.

402
00:16:05,515 --> 00:16:06,285
There it is.

403
00:16:06,297 --> 00:16:08,058
Okay.
Figured it out.

404
00:16:08,785 --> 00:16:11,341
- Good. Great. - Great.
- Okay.

405
00:16:14,320 --> 00:16:16,522
Y-you know what?
This wasn't such a good idea.

406
00:16:16,540 --> 00:16:17,787
Maybe just forget
I thought of it.

407
00:16:17,812 --> 00:16:19,371
- We're just gonna go. All right?
- Yeah. Yeah.

408
00:16:19,408 --> 00:16:20,825
It's best that way.

409
00:16:20,984 --> 00:16:23,440
- What did you write?
- What did <i>you</i> write?

410
00:16:23,833 --> 00:16:25,508
- Russell, Russell, hey.
- Russell, we have to get

411
00:16:25,520 --> 00:16:27,089
to the bottom of this.
- Okay, move it, move it.

412
00:16:27,095 --> 00:16:28,720
Excuse me, sir.

413
00:16:29,296 --> 00:16:31,030
The crosswalk... geez.

414
00:16:31,158 --> 00:16:32,358
Sorry.

415
00:16:33,111 --> 00:16:35,078
Oh, my gosh.

416
00:16:37,744 --> 00:16:39,806
Hair sauce!

417
00:16:39,905 --> 00:16:42,494
- Hair sauce? Oh, my God.
- Mmm, feels like mud.

418
00:16:42,512 --> 00:16:44,904
If he even looks
at my pomade caddy,

419
00:16:44,923 --> 00:16:47,126
I will turn every hobo
in the city against him.

420
00:16:47,144 --> 00:16:49,734
I will poison every pie
on every windowsill.

421
00:16:49,753 --> 00:16:52,500
He doesn't steal pies
from windowsills.

422
00:16:52,531 --> 00:16:55,813
He is a real-life
homeless person.

423
00:16:55,840 --> 00:16:57,253
We need to call the cops.

424
00:16:57,272 --> 00:16:59,630
Oh, I'm sorry, we can't.
You know why?

425
00:16:59,659 --> 00:17:02,309
- Yeah, your phone's dead.
- Because of you, Schmidt.

426
00:17:02,346 --> 00:17:04,097
You want to know why I'd rather
hang out with Nick?

427
00:17:04,116 --> 00:17:05,569
- Shh. What is that?
- Time to cut the grass.

428
00:17:05,575 --> 00:17:07,360
He's using my
four-in-one groomer.

429
00:17:07,384 --> 00:17:08,142
I'm going in there.

430
00:17:08,160 --> 00:17:09,719
- No! Schmidt! Absolutely not!
- I'm going in there, man.

431
00:17:09,743 --> 00:17:12,402
You hear that? Because that...
that is not the fourth use.

432
00:17:12,431 --> 00:17:14,595
- There's no sanctioned fifth use!
- Hey, Schmidt! Schmidt!

433
00:17:14,613 --> 00:17:16,432
- Look at me! Look at me! Look at me!
- He's using it for a fifth use!

434
00:17:16,457 --> 00:17:17,601
Nick is gonna be home soon.

435
00:17:17,620 --> 00:17:19,479
Okay? And then everything
will be fine.

436
00:17:19,510 --> 00:17:20,971
- Nick will know what to do.
- There's no time.

437
00:17:20,983 --> 00:17:22,502
- I'm going to the roof.
- What are you... Schmidt,

438
00:17:22,521 --> 00:17:24,934
why are you going up...
- Oh, my gosh, it's full of bugs.

439
00:17:26,296 --> 00:17:27,277
Nick,

440
00:17:27,289 --> 00:17:29,533
I need to know how you feel.

441
00:17:29,651 --> 00:17:30,988
What did you write
on that card?

442
00:17:31,007 --> 00:17:33,579
Well, what did you
write on your card?

443
00:17:34,092 --> 00:17:35,767
- Let's say it at the same time,
- Okay.

444
00:17:35,779 --> 00:17:37,582
on the count of three.

445
00:17:38,209 --> 00:17:40,577
One, two, three...

446
00:17:46,810 --> 00:17:47,810
Okay.

447
00:17:47,828 --> 00:17:49,058
From now on,

448
00:17:49,139 --> 00:17:50,802
no funny business.

449
00:17:50,964 --> 00:17:53,024
We do middle school
dance rules.

450
00:17:53,059 --> 00:17:55,694
Three feet on the floor,
no body hugs.

451
00:17:55,971 --> 00:17:57,671
- Is that what you want?
- Yeah.

452
00:17:57,707 --> 00:17:59,171
- You sure?
- Yeah.

453
00:18:01,913 --> 00:18:03,707
- Okay.
- Great.

454
00:18:04,803 --> 00:18:05,828
You got it.

455
00:18:05,852 --> 00:18:07,157
Wonderful.

456
00:18:11,957 --> 00:18:13,705
- Really?
- I...

457
00:18:15,398 --> 00:18:17,297
They've got a great
squish to 'em.

458
00:18:17,360 --> 00:18:19,810
- I couldn't stop thinking about it.
- Can't argue with you.

459
00:18:20,317 --> 00:18:22,140
Wow, you can see my skin.

460
00:18:23,444 --> 00:18:25,078
Oh, good lord.

461
00:18:25,101 --> 00:18:26,995
Hot damn!

462
00:18:30,288 --> 00:18:31,103
You got this.

463
00:18:31,148 --> 00:18:32,952
You got this. Whoa.

464
00:18:33,463 --> 00:18:34,903
What are you doing?

465
00:18:34,927 --> 00:18:36,777
- Stop moving.
- Get off of me!

466
00:18:36,808 --> 00:18:37,971
Hey, Schmidt!

467
00:18:38,189 --> 00:18:39,630
- He's got my leg!
- Outside Dave,

468
00:18:39,653 --> 00:18:40,800
man, what's happening in there?

469
00:18:40,818 --> 00:18:42,920
- What are you d...
- Schmidt!

470
00:18:42,961 --> 00:18:44,540
Please! No!

471
00:18:44,602 --> 00:18:46,051
He's real homeless!

472
00:18:46,980 --> 00:18:48,436
- No! Get off!
- Come on. Come on!

473
00:18:48,454 --> 00:18:50,429
If you're hurting him,
I swear... oh, my...

474
00:18:50,441 --> 00:18:51,640
It's shorts weather.

475
00:18:51,657 --> 00:18:53,812
Everybody's gonna
want to dance with you.

476
00:18:53,830 --> 00:18:55,798
Well, you're going against
the grain, you animal!

477
00:18:55,810 --> 00:18:57,214
Is he shaving your legs?

478
00:18:57,251 --> 00:18:59,306
Winston! Thank goodness!
Catch me.

479
00:18:59,331 --> 00:19:00,681
I got...

480
00:19:00,732 --> 00:19:03,163
I was about to catch you,
and then you just fell.

481
00:19:05,615 --> 00:19:06,648
You just saved my life.

482
00:19:06,667 --> 00:19:08,663
Anything, man,
as long as you're okay.

483
00:19:09,143 --> 00:19:09,956
You're okay?

484
00:19:09,974 --> 00:19:11,254
Well, I don't know.

485
00:19:11,387 --> 00:19:13,188
You break that whole thing down,
there was...

486
00:19:13,584 --> 00:19:15,495
A homeless man
was just shaving my leg.

487
00:19:15,520 --> 00:19:16,876
Yeah.

488
00:19:18,805 --> 00:19:20,206
Hey, man.

489
00:19:20,634 --> 00:19:22,268
Winston and Schmidt.

490
00:19:23,378 --> 00:19:24,260
Winston and Schmidt.

491
00:19:24,278 --> 00:19:25,509
- All right!
- Okay.

492
00:19:25,541 --> 00:19:26,641
- Yeah.
- All right, man.

493
00:19:26,659 --> 00:19:29,122
How long have the two of you
been the best of friends?

494
00:19:29,257 --> 00:19:30,832
Longer than we ever knew.

495
00:19:30,879 --> 00:19:33,571
I will say it's hard to have a moment
with you when there's a homeless dude

496
00:19:33,597 --> 00:19:35,343
dropping a deuce in our urinal.

497
00:19:38,414 --> 00:19:40,533
- We never actually ate, so...
- Yeah, I know.

498
00:19:40,545 --> 00:19:42,104
I'm getting a snack.
I'm going to bed.

499
00:19:42,122 --> 00:19:43,867
- Can I have some of these?
- Sure.

500
00:19:54,074 --> 00:19:55,255
Jess, I can help you.

501
00:19:55,285 --> 00:19:56,813
I got it.

502
00:19:59,128 --> 00:20:00,241
I got it.

503
00:20:00,322 --> 00:20:01,846
I don't even n...
I don't even...

504
00:20:01,871 --> 00:20:03,508
I don't even want...

505
00:20:14,481 --> 00:20:15,400
Thank you.

506
00:20:15,445 --> 00:20:16,579
You're welcome.

507
00:20:17,018 --> 00:20:18,545
I'm gonna go to bed now.

508
00:20:18,574 --> 00:20:19,841
Okay.

509
00:20:23,546 --> 00:20:25,372
Don't.

510
00:20:31,300 --> 00:20:33,401
I have to go to sleep.

511
00:20:33,617 --> 00:20:35,017
I'll walk with you.

512
00:20:49,121 --> 00:20:50,922
Good night, Miller.

513
00:20:50,994 --> 00:20:52,828
Good night, Day.

514
00:21:05,852 --> 00:21:07,609
♪ Love put me wise

515
00:21:07,656 --> 00:21:09,524
♪ to her love in disguise

516
00:21:09,557 --> 00:21:11,525
♪ she had the body of Venus

517
00:21:11,553 --> 00:21:14,021
♪ lord, imagine my surprise

518
00:21:14,037 --> 00:21:15,738
♪ ah, ah

519
00:21:15,746 --> 00:21:17,893
♪ dude looks like a lady

520
00:21:17,917 --> 00:21:19,638
♪ oh, oh

521
00:21:19,664 --> 00:21:21,803
♪ dude looks like a lady

522
00:21:21,821 --> 00:21:23,597
♪ oh, oh

523
00:21:23,629 --> 00:21:25,847
♪ dude looks like a lady

524
00:21:25,865 --> 00:21:27,616
♪ ow, ow

525
00:21:27,635 --> 00:21:30,547
♪ dude looks like a lady

526
00:21:30,612 --> 00:21:33,325
♪ ow...

527
00:21:33,360 --> 00:21:35,634
Like the movie <i>Mrs. Doubtfire.</i>

528
00:21:35,933 --> 00:21:38,890
♪ Dude looks like a lady.

529
00:21:38,954 --> 00:21:43,954
Sync and corrections by Norther
www.addic7ed.com