1
00:00:01,481 --> 00:00:03,636
Hey, Elizabeth, what
are we doing tonight?
2
00:00:03,659 --> 00:00:04,975
Dexter and pie.
3
00:00:05,002 --> 00:00:06,730
Girl, you treat me right.
4
00:00:07,125 --> 00:00:10,016
Hey, there she is,
my one and only.
5
00:00:11,493 --> 00:00:14,385
Oh, thank God, coffee. I
barely slept last night.
6
00:00:14,410 --> 00:00:15,510
Yeah, me, too.
7
00:00:15,542 --> 00:00:18,472
I think I passed out for, like, 25 minutes
when you jammed that sock down my throat.
8
00:00:18,504 --> 00:00:20,473
- I aim to please.
- Aw...
9
00:00:20,497 --> 00:00:22,527
Hey, why don't we all go on a double date?
10
00:00:22,563 --> 00:00:24,832
- What are you guys doing tonight?
- Yeah.
11
00:00:25,035 --> 00:00:26,567
- Tonight?
- Yeah.
12
00:00:26,597 --> 00:00:27,978
- Today's tonight?
- Yeah.
13
00:00:28,007 --> 00:00:30,130
Tonight... meaning changes
every day, doesn't it?
14
00:00:30,155 --> 00:00:32,018
- Come on, Schmidt.
- I'm sure he's got other plans.
15
00:00:32,031 --> 00:00:34,925
- You've got other plans, right?
- Plans? Not me.
16
00:00:34,965 --> 00:00:37,007
I don't even... I mean... Yeah!
17
00:00:37,038 --> 00:00:39,910
- What the hell is going on?
- What?
18
00:00:41,170 --> 00:00:44,305
♪ Double-double-double-double date! ♪
19
00:00:44,464 --> 00:00:46,031
Rock, rock and roll.
20
00:00:46,329 --> 00:00:48,485
I don't think I exactly
understand the energy here,
21
00:00:48,497 --> 00:00:49,846
but yeah, I mean,
it sounds great.
22
00:00:49,882 --> 00:00:52,602
Hey, you want to split that
pasta from last night, hmm?
23
00:00:52,976 --> 00:00:56,943
♪ Winston and Furguson 'bout
to split some pasta. ♪
24
00:00:57,984 --> 00:01:00,684
Yeah, man, you know I
got "wuv" for you.
25
00:01:00,854 --> 00:01:02,352
Got nothing but love for you.
26
00:01:02,377 --> 00:01:04,763
Go ahead, chill out, man,
I'll make you some coffee.
27
00:01:07,677 --> 00:01:08,770
What?
28
00:01:08,870 --> 00:01:11,630
So what are y'all talking
about, going on dates?
29
00:01:12,942 --> 00:01:15,883
Oh, y'all are talking about that.
Okay, cool.
30
00:01:16,408 --> 00:01:18,109
Nobody invited me.
31
00:01:18,724 --> 00:01:20,243
Is it 'cause I'm single?
32
00:01:20,949 --> 00:01:23,313
I mean, I... I know I'm single.
I'm okay with it.
33
00:01:23,332 --> 00:01:25,482
It was a choice that I made...
34
00:01:25,837 --> 00:01:27,404
as a man...
35
00:01:27,429 --> 00:01:29,548
to be alone. Don't nobody
know you like you,
36
00:01:29,562 --> 00:01:32,915
so I'm... I'm choosing
to know myself, who I am.
37
00:01:33,003 --> 00:01:35,259
And if that's okay with
you all, can I come?
38
00:01:35,287 --> 00:01:36,787
All right, where should
we go tonight, you guys?
39
00:01:36,797 --> 00:01:37,994
What about that new spot Picca?
40
00:01:38,018 --> 00:01:41,218
- A day-of rezzie at Picca?
- You guys don't think I can do it, huh?
41
00:01:41,349 --> 00:01:43,344
Well, funk that.
42
00:01:43,662 --> 00:01:46,017
Bishop can get a table
at a chair store.
43
00:01:46,041 --> 00:01:47,215
Well, that's it, then.
44
00:01:47,245 --> 00:01:50,003
- Double date plus one!
- You know what would be nuts?
45
00:01:50,164 --> 00:01:52,147
If I brought my cat Furguson as a date.
46
00:01:52,171 --> 00:01:53,905
Ah, don't do that.
47
00:01:55,990 --> 00:01:58,305
♪ Hey, girl ♪
48
00:01:58,714 --> 00:02:01,228
♪ What you doing? ♪
49
00:02:01,525 --> 00:02:03,847
♪ Hey, girl ♪
50
00:02:04,192 --> 00:02:06,357
♪ Where you going? ♪
51
00:02:06,395 --> 00:02:09,120
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
52
00:02:09,133 --> 00:02:10,591
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
53
00:02:10,633 --> 00:02:12,533
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ It's Jess. ♪
54
00:02:12,565 --> 00:02:16,820
- synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.addic7ed.com -
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
55
00:02:17,482 --> 00:02:18,482
Hey, listen.
56
00:02:19,575 --> 00:02:20,913
What is that sound?
57
00:02:20,950 --> 00:02:22,951
Sounds like a gravel driveway in there.
58
00:02:22,982 --> 00:02:24,545
Seventh grade.
59
00:02:24,783 --> 00:02:27,418
Pumping my fist too
hard at a Weird Al show.
60
00:02:28,634 --> 00:02:29,520
Go away!
61
00:02:29,537 --> 00:02:30,869
Hey, Jess, can you talk? Oh.
62
00:02:30,900 --> 00:02:33,055
Yeah, yeah, totally.
How'd I get so lucky?
63
00:02:33,074 --> 00:02:34,268
My bro and my ho.
64
00:02:34,282 --> 00:02:35,982
My penis... it's
gonna be exposed.
65
00:02:35,993 --> 00:02:37,074
It's okay, just cover up.
66
00:02:37,087 --> 00:02:39,043
- Okay, no, but I don't feel comfortable.
- It's about Schmidt.
67
00:02:39,059 --> 00:02:42,182
Okay, I'm not involved in this at all.
Hiding from the world.
68
00:02:42,201 --> 00:02:43,712
You can't see me, I can't see you.
69
00:02:43,737 --> 00:02:47,489
I know this sounds totally paranoid,
but I think he's on drugs.
70
00:02:47,513 --> 00:02:49,610
Schmidt on drugs?
71
00:02:49,648 --> 00:02:52,523
Okay, not getting
involved starting now.
72
00:02:52,538 --> 00:02:53,589
I'm with Nick here.
73
00:02:53,603 --> 00:02:55,838
You remember how hard he took
it when Lance got busted.
74
00:02:55,863 --> 00:02:57,911
He just stared at that
yellow bracelet and cried.
75
00:02:57,935 --> 00:02:59,542
I know you're right, but...
76
00:02:59,561 --> 00:03:03,152
- You're coming in? - ... It's just like
he's had this crazy energy lately.
77
00:03:03,176 --> 00:03:06,343
And did you see how insane he was when
we were talking about the double date?
78
00:03:06,369 --> 00:03:09,100
Also, he has just, like,
stopped blinking.
79
00:03:09,222 --> 00:03:10,997
- Is that whippits?
- Well, Nick can talk to him.
80
00:03:11,021 --> 00:03:12,118
No, I'm not gonna talk to him.
81
00:03:12,130 --> 00:03:14,447
I called that I wasn't gonna be involved;
those calls have to be respected.
82
00:03:14,460 --> 00:03:16,761
If you talk to him,
I'll give you a treat.
83
00:03:16,814 --> 00:03:18,448
Bedroom treat or kitchen treat?
84
00:03:18,477 --> 00:03:21,045
Oh, I'm just a country lawyer
85
00:03:21,080 --> 00:03:23,791
and I have a very,
very itchy bra.
86
00:03:23,826 --> 00:03:27,367
Well, perhaps I can get underneath.
I've got worker's hands.
87
00:03:27,391 --> 00:03:31,217
It's very itchy in so many
different little places.
88
00:03:31,259 --> 00:03:33,052
Let me see.
89
00:03:33,077 --> 00:03:34,890
You guys are being really,
really gross right now.
90
00:03:34,914 --> 00:03:37,483
- I keep forgetting you're in here.
- I think you made a really good point.
91
00:03:37,501 --> 00:03:39,904
Maybe he is just,
like, really into me.
92
00:03:39,929 --> 00:03:43,305
I mean, he has, like, stepped
up his bed game a lot.
93
00:03:43,330 --> 00:03:44,945
It is so not about him anymore.
94
00:03:44,963 --> 00:03:47,768
That's disgusting. Let me know
when that treat's gonna happen.
95
00:03:47,780 --> 00:03:49,845
And, Cece, I'm sorry about
this, but I'm gonna stand up
96
00:03:49,863 --> 00:03:52,260
and you're gonna see my penis, and when
I walk out, you're gonna see my butt.
97
00:03:52,284 --> 00:03:53,753
Let's do this.
98
00:03:53,785 --> 00:03:54,785
Oh.
99
00:03:56,578 --> 00:04:00,671
Ah, excuse me, excuse
me, excuse me.
100
00:04:00,696 --> 00:04:02,229
Sorry.
101
00:04:05,260 --> 00:04:06,779
Yeah, so that's glass.
102
00:04:06,849 --> 00:04:08,783
That ain't no mint.
103
00:04:09,469 --> 00:04:10,325
Nope.
104
00:04:10,341 --> 00:04:13,614
Definitely glass, and I swallowed that,
so you should consider, uh, a sign.
105
00:04:13,638 --> 00:04:16,232
- Do you have a reservation? - You know,
it's funny that you would ask that because,
106
00:04:16,257 --> 00:04:19,277
you know, I tried to call, like, 20
times, and I couldn't get through,
107
00:04:19,300 --> 00:04:22,252
but, uh, I'm looking for a reservation
for tonight around 8:00 p.m.
108
00:04:22,271 --> 00:04:23,646
Let's say, like, five people.
109
00:04:23,671 --> 00:04:26,098
- I have an 8:30.
- Ah, kind of had our heart set on 8:00.
110
00:04:26,123 --> 00:04:29,324
- Seven weeks from now.
- Wait, what, what? No, n-n-n-n-no.
111
00:04:29,336 --> 00:04:32,015
Look, there's got to be
something that you can do.
112
00:04:32,034 --> 00:04:34,930
Well, you could try your
luck at the community table.
113
00:04:35,826 --> 00:04:38,584
Community... hell, no. Listen,
um, sorry, you don't understand.
114
00:04:38,609 --> 00:04:41,415
This has to be an
official reservation.
115
00:04:41,929 --> 00:04:43,103
No.
116
00:04:43,233 --> 00:04:45,466
I'll tell you what,
maybe this will
117
00:04:45,497 --> 00:04:47,272
change...
118
00:04:47,472 --> 00:04:49,678
your mind.
119
00:04:54,986 --> 00:04:56,712
"I owe you a hundred dollars."
120
00:04:56,737 --> 00:04:59,052
Oh, hell no. No, that...
121
00:04:59,413 --> 00:05:01,515
that was supposed to be a ten.
122
00:05:08,174 --> 00:05:09,950
Whoa, you got there
faster than I thought.
123
00:05:09,987 --> 00:05:13,418
Hey, so this is weird and it's only gonna
take a second of your time, but, uh...
124
00:05:13,431 --> 00:05:16,265
and I probably already know the
answer, but are you on drugs?
125
00:05:16,559 --> 00:05:18,756
I know the answer is no, so
I'll just see you later, man.
126
00:05:18,780 --> 00:05:20,924
- Get in my room.
- Don't want to be part of it!
127
00:05:22,462 --> 00:05:24,296
Did you crack my
e-mail password?
128
00:05:24,961 --> 00:05:26,223
How did you guess "Smithereens"?
129
00:05:26,248 --> 00:05:28,746
Are you really on drugs?
Talk to me, Schmidt.
130
00:05:28,758 --> 00:05:30,971
I'm in way over my head, Nick,
I'm doing something terrible.
131
00:05:30,992 --> 00:05:32,448
Well, what is it, man?
132
00:05:32,487 --> 00:05:35,187
- You're going to get mad at me.
- I'm your best friend.
133
00:05:35,205 --> 00:05:38,815
Okay, I was there for you when you fell
off the deck at Chester's graduation.
134
00:05:41,990 --> 00:05:43,294
Oh, no.
135
00:05:43,300 --> 00:05:44,900
And I'm here for you now.
136
00:05:44,946 --> 00:05:47,327
There's nothing you could
say that I'd get mad at.
137
00:05:47,365 --> 00:05:50,622
O... okay, um, I can do this.
138
00:05:51,562 --> 00:05:55,406
Do you know how I broke up with Elizabeth
so that I could start dating Cece again?
139
00:05:55,412 --> 00:05:56,900
Absolutely, and it was really hard for you.
140
00:05:56,912 --> 00:05:58,950
Yeah, that actually never happened.
141
00:05:59,819 --> 00:06:01,225
What do you mean?
142
00:06:01,261 --> 00:06:03,062
I'm still dating Elizabeth.
143
00:06:03,515 --> 00:06:04,765
What do you mean?
144
00:06:04,778 --> 00:06:06,578
I'm dating both of them, and
neither one of them knows it,
145
00:06:06,614 --> 00:06:09,149
- and I feel terrible about it.
- But Elizabeth is gone.
146
00:06:09,639 --> 00:06:11,001
- What do you mean?
- She's not gone.
147
00:06:11,025 --> 00:06:12,051
So you broke up with Cece...
148
00:06:12,076 --> 00:06:13,895
I didn't break up with
either one of them.
149
00:06:13,920 --> 00:06:16,226
- What do you mean? - You process this
however you need to process it.
150
00:06:16,238 --> 00:06:18,327
- If you want to keep talking it out...
- Which one are you dating?
151
00:06:18,352 --> 00:06:19,658
- Both.
- Are you dating Cece?
152
00:06:19,673 --> 00:06:21,311
- I'm dating Cece.
- Are you dating Elizabeth?
153
00:06:21,336 --> 00:06:22,399
- Yes.
- How do you do that?
154
00:06:22,417 --> 00:06:24,587
- They made me choose.
- You have to choose.
155
00:06:24,755 --> 00:06:26,543
- You can't have both women.
- What was I supposed to do?
156
00:06:26,567 --> 00:06:28,698
What, you think you can
have a bunch of wives?!
157
00:06:29,020 --> 00:06:30,352
You got one wife!
158
00:06:30,391 --> 00:06:31,910
This is the way the world works!
159
00:06:31,929 --> 00:06:33,982
- Why?!
- I don't know.
160
00:06:34,007 --> 00:06:36,280
I feel terrible about this,
I don't know what to do.
161
00:06:36,461 --> 00:06:38,124
How could you do this
with Jess's best friend?
162
00:06:38,149 --> 00:06:40,272
I don't know, I feel
really badly about it!
163
00:06:41,525 --> 00:06:43,555
In your little brain,
164
00:06:43,655 --> 00:06:46,357
- how do you see this ending?
- I see it ending badly.
165
00:06:46,379 --> 00:06:48,750
I see it ending very, very badly.
166
00:06:48,768 --> 00:06:50,356
But you know what? I just...
167
00:06:51,441 --> 00:06:52,691
I want to thank you, though,
168
00:06:52,706 --> 00:06:54,437
- just for being there for me...
- No.
169
00:06:54,453 --> 00:06:56,128
- and for listening to me. - I'm not
listening to you and I'm not there for you.
170
00:06:56,152 --> 00:06:57,955
- Because now we're in this together.
- We're not in this together
171
00:06:57,986 --> 00:07:01,793
and I'm not listening and I'm not being
there, so just stop telling me things!
172
00:07:01,818 --> 00:07:04,637
- What would you like me to do with this
information? - Well, it really helped me to tell you.
173
00:07:04,659 --> 00:07:07,040
- You should tell somebody,
get it off your chest. - I can't.
174
00:07:07,065 --> 00:07:08,603
- You know what I mean?
- Like... who?
175
00:07:08,622 --> 00:07:09,929
Well, certainly not Jess.
176
00:07:09,947 --> 00:07:13,092
Don't ever tell Jess. The one
person you can't tell is Jess.
177
00:07:15,374 --> 00:07:16,887
Hello, Picca?
178
00:07:16,980 --> 00:07:18,910
Yes, I need a table for five.
179
00:07:18,947 --> 00:07:21,187
This is author Toni Morrison.
180
00:07:21,685 --> 00:07:22,872
I am?
181
00:07:22,910 --> 00:07:23,848
Well, oh, yeah?
182
00:07:23,862 --> 00:07:25,368
Well, I think you're a woman!
183
00:07:25,642 --> 00:07:26,475
Hello?
184
00:07:26,495 --> 00:07:29,048
Okay, here's what it is.
Just lie to her, Nick.
185
00:07:29,476 --> 00:07:31,588
It's a relationship... men and women
lie to each other all the time;
186
00:07:31,607 --> 00:07:33,832
it's what makes marriages work.
Just lie...
187
00:07:33,915 --> 00:07:37,484
Oh, you can lie... Yes,
I talked to Schmidt.
188
00:07:37,687 --> 00:07:41,026
Don't act like an alien;
just lie to a woman. It's...
189
00:07:42,532 --> 00:07:44,432
Yeah, I talked to Schmidt. It's
fine, it's not a big deal.
190
00:07:44,463 --> 00:07:45,763
Hey, Nick.
191
00:07:46,164 --> 00:07:47,783
How was your day?
192
00:07:48,973 --> 00:07:50,417
Nothing...
193
00:07:51,262 --> 00:07:53,331
Why are you wearing a helmet?
194
00:07:54,126 --> 00:07:56,568
Oh, hi.
195
00:07:58,206 --> 00:07:59,951
Don't tease me, Nick.
196
00:07:59,963 --> 00:08:02,296
Are we finally gonna
do no-kiss sex?
197
00:08:02,786 --> 00:08:04,323
Oh, yes.
198
00:08:11,509 --> 00:08:13,430
Sorry about that.
199
00:08:14,267 --> 00:08:15,623
Look at us.
200
00:08:15,647 --> 00:08:19,882
Community table, like
a little community.
201
00:08:37,581 --> 00:08:39,106
Call that seat.
202
00:08:39,383 --> 00:08:40,233
That's my seat.
203
00:08:40,257 --> 00:08:41,108
- Come on.
- Yeah.
204
00:08:41,114 --> 00:08:43,181
Oh, no, where are y'all going?
205
00:08:43,199 --> 00:08:45,175
Dibs on those seats,
dibs on that.
206
00:08:45,187 --> 00:08:47,613
Put that for me right there. Hey,
put that right there for me.
207
00:08:48,183 --> 00:08:49,570
That was amazing.
208
00:08:49,601 --> 00:08:52,282
Jess, you know so many
Spaceballs quotes.
209
00:08:52,301 --> 00:08:55,676
They jam the radar
with literal jam.
210
00:08:56,042 --> 00:08:58,984
Oh, hey, did you ever
talk to Schmidt?
211
00:09:01,154 --> 00:09:02,754
What's going on, Nick?
212
00:09:03,726 --> 00:09:06,033
Schmidt! Hey!
213
00:09:06,348 --> 00:09:08,080
My best friend?!
214
00:09:08,110 --> 00:09:09,962
You Long Island street trash!
215
00:09:09,975 --> 00:09:12,212
- Damn it, Nick, you told her?
- No, he didn't tell me!
216
00:09:12,224 --> 00:09:13,493
I... I happened upon it.
217
00:09:13,518 --> 00:09:15,441
Oh, you happened upon it?
Where, in the town square?
218
00:09:15,458 --> 00:09:17,989
Jess, I never wanted to be
involved in this. You're so pretty.
219
00:09:18,007 --> 00:09:20,058
Put your freakin' visor down.
220
00:09:20,301 --> 00:09:23,791
Now, you... you're gonna
tell Cece or I will, you...
221
00:09:23,816 --> 00:09:25,397
you crumb bum!
222
00:09:25,422 --> 00:09:27,285
- Jess... Yes, well said.
- You crumb bum.
223
00:09:27,310 --> 00:09:29,085
- You are a lowlife.
- I... I get it.
224
00:09:29,102 --> 00:09:31,429
- How could you do this to her?
- Jess, I am so sorry.
225
00:09:31,454 --> 00:09:34,260
I made up a dance so
everyone will be happy.
226
00:09:37,298 --> 00:09:39,514
Cece's gonna walk through
that door any minute,
227
00:09:39,538 --> 00:09:42,449
- and you have to tell her the truth.
- Jess, please, this would wreck her.
228
00:09:42,547 --> 00:09:43,778
I'm begging you.
229
00:09:43,814 --> 00:09:45,945
I... I know you don't believe
me, but I do care about her.
230
00:09:45,964 --> 00:09:49,140
Either you tell her
or I will, Schmidt.
231
00:09:54,743 --> 00:09:56,125
You're right.
232
00:09:57,484 --> 00:09:58,982
I'll tell her.
233
00:10:04,567 --> 00:10:07,803
Yo, what it be?
Double date night!
234
00:10:08,847 --> 00:10:11,008
What's, uh, what's going on?
235
00:10:11,563 --> 00:10:12,842
Tell her.
236
00:10:14,219 --> 00:10:17,307
- Tell her.
- Okay, okay.
237
00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:22,139
We're taking two cars. It's
faster that way because of gas.
238
00:10:22,151 --> 00:10:23,301
- No phones.
- What?
239
00:10:23,332 --> 00:10:24,707
Here you go; I got the door, it's okay.
240
00:10:24,736 --> 00:10:26,495
- Go!
- Go!
241
00:10:29,640 --> 00:10:32,351
- Cigarette, phone call, bathroom.
- Okay.
242
00:10:38,283 --> 00:10:40,387
Sir, you're clearly alone.
We're gonna need this table.
243
00:10:40,418 --> 00:10:43,131
Okay, so what do you think...
that over the past two hours,
244
00:10:43,143 --> 00:10:46,485
I, as a single person, have
ordered eight separate entrees
245
00:10:46,510 --> 00:10:48,285
and have taken bites
of different sizes
246
00:10:48,309 --> 00:10:51,574
of each of them to create some
sort of pointless illusion?
247
00:10:52,093 --> 00:10:54,587
Do you know how
insane you sound?
248
00:10:56,097 --> 00:10:58,198
God, I hate this job.
249
00:11:00,834 --> 00:11:03,401
- You need to slow down.
- I got it. Don't worry.
250
00:11:03,451 --> 00:11:06,359
What's going on, man? You guys were
acting all so weird back there,
251
00:11:06,383 --> 00:11:08,621
and you're driving
like a maniac.
252
00:11:09,016 --> 00:11:11,421
Oh, geez. You know, I didn't want
to have to say anything, but...
253
00:11:11,451 --> 00:11:12,597
What?
254
00:11:13,351 --> 00:11:14,145
Here we go.
255
00:11:14,169 --> 00:11:17,303
- Nick is cheating on Jess! Aah!
- What?!
256
00:11:17,399 --> 00:11:19,593
Apparently, they met
at some gas station.
257
00:11:19,617 --> 00:11:21,767
She's much older.
Much, much older.
258
00:11:21,801 --> 00:11:24,617
Deeply Korean. I just found out.
259
00:11:24,645 --> 00:11:26,265
And, I mean, Nick is
my best friend and all,
260
00:11:26,290 --> 00:11:29,568
but I can't even be in the same
room as that scumbag right now!
261
00:11:29,679 --> 00:11:32,385
Oh, I'm so mad! I'm
just so, so mad!
262
00:11:32,410 --> 00:11:34,115
I'm terribly angry about
the whole situation.
263
00:11:34,146 --> 00:11:35,528
I can't even drive. Take the wheel.
264
00:11:35,777 --> 00:11:38,376
Oh, why, God?! He
was the best of us!
265
00:11:38,402 --> 00:11:41,032
- Cece, please. You're veering everywhere.
- Sorry.
266
00:11:41,321 --> 00:11:43,501
Oh, Nick, go, go!
267
00:11:43,526 --> 00:11:46,232
We're gonna lose them! You keep
nerd-stopping at every sign!
268
00:11:46,257 --> 00:11:49,126
Look, if I get another ticket, they're
gonna make me wear eyeglasses.
269
00:11:49,208 --> 00:11:51,215
Why didn't you get involved back there?
270
00:11:51,385 --> 00:11:54,671
Look, look, here's the reality.
Yes, Schmidt is my best friend,
271
00:11:54,684 --> 00:11:58,247
- and he's also really scary.
- You are so afraid of everything.
272
00:11:58,271 --> 00:12:00,160
Oh, really? Would a
man afraid of everything
273
00:12:00,179 --> 00:12:02,885
- put his finger in a cigarette lighter?
- I don't know...
274
00:12:02,919 --> 00:12:04,957
- Don't do that. That's just stupid!
- I'm not gonna do that.
275
00:12:04,982 --> 00:12:05,757
You wimp.
276
00:12:05,775 --> 00:12:07,888
- Oh, my gosh!
- Oh, my God!
277
00:12:07,907 --> 00:12:09,566
- Jess, are you okay?
- It really hurts.
278
00:12:09,571 --> 00:12:11,307
- Oh, my Lord, are...
- It's so hot!
279
00:12:11,319 --> 00:12:12,937
- Come here. Are you okay?
- Yeah.
280
00:12:12,955 --> 00:12:14,536
Are you okay? Look,
I'm gonna do it.
281
00:12:14,548 --> 00:12:15,767
- Ow!
- Oh.
282
00:12:15,844 --> 00:12:18,978
- Why did you do that? - So that we were
both in the same amount of pain!
283
00:12:19,035 --> 00:12:20,242
I'm gonna junk-punch him.
284
00:12:20,267 --> 00:12:21,844
Turn the car around. We're
going to the restaurant.
285
00:12:21,869 --> 00:12:24,410
Why would you...? That seems rash.
Maybe... I don't know.
286
00:12:24,435 --> 00:12:25,941
Maybe staying away for a while,
287
00:12:25,965 --> 00:12:28,569
or at least... I don't know... talking
about it, hearing his side. I don't...
288
00:12:28,602 --> 00:12:32,730
Cheating is selfish, and it is cowardly,
and there is no excuse for it.
289
00:12:33,087 --> 00:12:36,107
The only thing that you can
do is punch it in the junk.
290
00:12:36,125 --> 00:12:39,188
Or you could really understand it
emotionally from their point of view.
291
00:12:39,212 --> 00:12:41,508
You don't know. Maybe
they had a tough childhood.
292
00:12:41,527 --> 00:12:43,445
- Turn the car around, Schmidt.
- Maybe their mom's a lesbian.
293
00:12:43,476 --> 00:12:45,408
- I don't know.
- Turn the car around!
294
00:12:45,433 --> 00:12:48,246
Yeah, let's do it. Let's turn the
car around. Let's go to Picca.
295
00:12:48,258 --> 00:12:49,381
I'm gonna turn the car around
296
00:12:49,400 --> 00:12:51,765
- as soon as I turn this...
- Turn the car around Schmidt!
297
00:12:51,789 --> 00:12:53,995
- As soon as I turn the car around.
- Now!
298
00:12:54,982 --> 00:12:58,219
- As soon as I turn this car around...
- Turn the car around, Schmidt! Let's go!
299
00:12:58,237 --> 00:13:00,119
And I'm turning the
car around. Let's do it.
300
00:13:00,169 --> 00:13:02,113
Double date, here we come.
301
00:13:02,118 --> 00:13:03,893
- What is he doing?
- I don't know.
302
00:13:03,906 --> 00:13:05,763
Looks like he lost a wing.
303
00:13:17,492 --> 00:13:18,742
Hey, Jess.
304
00:13:18,773 --> 00:13:20,255
Yeah, fourth message.
305
00:13:20,288 --> 00:13:22,585
Just a friendly time update.
306
00:13:22,826 --> 00:13:25,981
8:13. Hope to God you
guys aren't bailing on me,
307
00:13:26,014 --> 00:13:28,547
or maybe you just lost
track of time being couples!
308
00:13:29,595 --> 00:13:31,902
Hit me back. Winnie the Bish.
309
00:13:43,910 --> 00:13:46,097
We're never gonna find this restaurant;
maybe we should just go home.
310
00:13:46,118 --> 00:13:47,525
- There it is!
- Here it is.
311
00:13:54,721 --> 00:13:55,936
Welcome!
312
00:13:55,973 --> 00:13:58,307
- Can I have your car, sir?
- Oh.
313
00:13:59,860 --> 00:14:01,627
Sir?
314
00:14:02,462 --> 00:14:03,926
Sir?
315
00:14:06,365 --> 00:14:07,636
Sir?
316
00:14:08,999 --> 00:14:10,838
I'm on the phone.
317
00:14:11,089 --> 00:14:13,733
All right, time's up. You
got to get out of here.
318
00:14:13,852 --> 00:14:15,519
Uh, th... that's my friend.
319
00:14:15,561 --> 00:14:17,567
That's my friend. See?
See? I told you all.
320
00:14:17,586 --> 00:14:18,661
Huh? I got friends.
321
00:14:18,704 --> 00:14:20,312
Everybody? Hmm?
322
00:14:20,785 --> 00:14:23,029
- That's my friend right there.
- Where the hell is Nick?!
323
00:14:23,074 --> 00:14:24,349
How did I even beat him here?!
324
00:14:24,367 --> 00:14:26,997
- That was the slowest ride
of my entire life! - Oh, Jess...
325
00:14:27,030 --> 00:14:30,486
Literally, my grandmother
drives faster than that.
326
00:14:31,365 --> 00:14:33,046
- Look, she's my best friend.
- Yeah.
327
00:14:33,074 --> 00:14:35,498
And Schmidt is mine. That's why
I didn't want to get involved.
328
00:14:35,529 --> 00:14:38,909
Well, when someone I love
gets hurt, I get involved.
329
00:14:47,276 --> 00:14:48,445
Sir?
330
00:14:52,045 --> 00:14:53,612
What's up, big cat?
331
00:14:54,021 --> 00:14:55,577
Sir? Sir?
332
00:14:55,604 --> 00:14:57,781
Well, you got to go in there,
and you got to face her.
333
00:14:57,838 --> 00:15:00,973
Look, it's not about Cece.
This is about the $12 valet.
334
00:15:00,999 --> 00:15:02,767
It's $12 to...?
335
00:15:03,025 --> 00:15:05,600
One sec. Hey, it's self-park!
336
00:15:05,979 --> 00:15:08,347
The maroon car is self-park!
337
00:15:10,189 --> 00:15:12,640
It's an excessive
amount of money.
338
00:15:13,592 --> 00:15:15,262
I didn't mean for any
of this to happen.
339
00:15:15,281 --> 00:15:17,885
Look, I know you didn't, okay?
340
00:15:18,040 --> 00:15:20,708
But now it's time you do
the right thing, Schmidt.
341
00:15:23,410 --> 00:15:26,965
- I can't go in there.
- Well, I can't let Jess tell her.
342
00:15:29,495 --> 00:15:30,980
Hello?
343
00:15:31,002 --> 00:15:32,287
Open the door.
344
00:15:32,354 --> 00:15:33,738
Wait, Cece!
345
00:15:33,775 --> 00:15:36,236
- Oh, Jess, I have something to tell you.
- I have something to tell you!
346
00:15:36,254 --> 00:15:38,621
- What?
- No, I have something I need to tell you.
347
00:15:39,543 --> 00:15:41,381
Oh, my God, what are
you doing, Cece?!
348
00:15:41,393 --> 00:15:43,345
Why did you do that?!
349
00:15:44,579 --> 00:15:46,399
Cece.
350
00:15:46,445 --> 00:15:50,152
- You nipped the corner!
- Wait, Cece. Uh... okay. I...
351
00:15:50,187 --> 00:15:51,768
Cece, he's not...
352
00:15:54,590 --> 00:15:56,661
I lied to you. I...
353
00:15:58,813 --> 00:16:01,548
I've been cheating on...
on you with Elizabeth.
354
00:16:13,801 --> 00:16:18,780
Uh, I hate to do this right now, but if
we don't sit, we will lose this table.
355
00:16:24,264 --> 00:16:28,171
Cece, I'm sor... I'm sorry.
I don't... I just...
356
00:16:30,281 --> 00:16:33,517
Is there someplace maybe
we could, uh, go talk?
357
00:16:33,825 --> 00:16:36,761
Everybody knows anyway, Schmidt.
Might as well just say it.
358
00:16:37,177 --> 00:16:39,888
Oh, let's talk. Let's... we...
this should be fine.
359
00:16:41,647 --> 00:16:43,340
I didn't want to hurt you.
360
00:16:44,236 --> 00:16:46,170
You have to know that I
did not want to hurt you.
361
00:16:46,189 --> 00:16:49,773
Please, I... I'm begging you. If
you take anything away from this,
362
00:16:49,836 --> 00:16:53,157
know that I did not want to hurt you.
I didn't want to hurt anyone.
363
00:16:53,517 --> 00:16:55,311
Especially you.
364
00:16:55,698 --> 00:16:58,904
You have no idea
what you mean to me.
365
00:16:59,226 --> 00:17:01,950
And I got caught up
in this thing, and...
366
00:17:03,519 --> 00:17:05,686
I used to be so fat.
367
00:17:06,312 --> 00:17:07,993
I mean, like...
368
00:17:08,342 --> 00:17:10,342
truly gigantic.
369
00:17:11,794 --> 00:17:14,499
I mean, as big as... as
big... as big as it gets.
370
00:17:14,866 --> 00:17:19,174
And now... and now I'm not, and
girls like me, and I don't...
371
00:17:19,619 --> 00:17:21,954
I don't know how to do this.
372
00:17:22,556 --> 00:17:24,419
I got lost.
373
00:17:25,672 --> 00:17:27,503
And I'm sorry.
374
00:17:27,947 --> 00:17:29,729
You're sorry?
375
00:17:30,457 --> 00:17:33,708
You didn't want to hurt anybody?
That's the best you can do, Schmidt?
376
00:17:33,829 --> 00:17:35,348
Really?
377
00:17:37,968 --> 00:17:39,255
I don't know.
378
00:17:39,297 --> 00:17:41,332
I don't know you.
379
00:17:44,484 --> 00:17:46,278
Good-bye, Schmidt.
380
00:18:01,811 --> 00:18:04,735
I'm just realizing that I
don't have any cash on me.
381
00:18:06,301 --> 00:18:09,339
If anyone would be willing
to loan me $12 for the valet,
382
00:18:09,365 --> 00:18:11,220
that would be...
383
00:18:11,332 --> 00:18:13,332
greatly appreciated.
384
00:18:15,307 --> 00:18:17,099
Cece still hasn't called me.
385
00:18:17,182 --> 00:18:18,638
Do you think you could
test my phone again?
386
00:18:18,666 --> 00:18:20,999
I can't. I don't have
any more minutes.
387
00:18:21,362 --> 00:18:23,037
Minutes, Nick?!
388
00:18:23,062 --> 00:18:24,787
Who still has minutes
on their phone?!
389
00:18:24,812 --> 00:18:27,525
I bought 10,000 minutes in
1999, and I'm still using them.
390
00:18:27,548 --> 00:18:28,589
I'm sorry. I just...
391
00:18:28,614 --> 00:18:31,044
I... I really want
to be there for her.
392
00:18:31,056 --> 00:18:35,444
You are, okay? And she'll
call, 'cause she needs you.
393
00:18:36,199 --> 00:18:37,299
Hell.
394
00:18:37,319 --> 00:18:40,199
This is a real butt munch
of a situation we're in.
395
00:18:40,414 --> 00:18:41,595
Yeah.
396
00:18:42,070 --> 00:18:43,470
Look...
397
00:18:43,995 --> 00:18:45,596
I'm here for you.
398
00:18:45,611 --> 00:18:51,871
There is nothing I know more than the fact
that I want to be with you, Jess, okay?
399
00:18:59,718 --> 00:19:01,302
Unless we're driving.
400
00:19:01,687 --> 00:19:04,771
- You admitted to driving while legally blind!
- No, because you're honestly the worst backseat...
401
00:19:04,805 --> 00:19:07,168
You're honestly telling me
what to do the entire time!
402
00:19:07,186 --> 00:19:09,577
- Legally blind.
- Whoever has the wheel controls the car!
403
00:19:09,602 --> 00:19:11,655
You liar!
404
00:19:11,775 --> 00:19:13,927
Here's your pie!
405
00:19:21,734 --> 00:19:23,702
You broke my heart.
406
00:19:23,845 --> 00:19:25,991
Mail me my mouth guard.
407
00:19:30,654 --> 00:19:34,824
In case you were wondering if Cece had
Elizabeth's number, sh... she does.
408
00:19:34,918 --> 00:19:37,716
So, tough time in
Schmidtsburg, wouldn't you say?
409
00:19:38,173 --> 00:19:40,080
Just a quick heads-up, Nick,
410
00:19:40,110 --> 00:19:41,279
Jess.
411
00:19:41,324 --> 00:19:43,074
I blame you for this whole thing.
412
00:19:43,188 --> 00:19:46,357
- You can't seriously...
- I was going to fix it.
413
00:19:47,308 --> 00:19:49,239
I wasn't going to hurt anyone.
414
00:19:49,264 --> 00:19:52,139
But, since you took it upon
yourself to hurt both of them,
415
00:19:52,277 --> 00:19:54,396
should it take me the
rest of my life,
416
00:19:54,430 --> 00:19:56,084
I'm going to break
the two of you up.
417
00:19:56,105 --> 00:19:58,280
- Bring it, Schmidt.
- It's impossible. We're really strong.
418
00:19:58,304 --> 00:20:01,903
It will be when you least expect it,
which might be when you most expect it.
419
00:20:02,542 --> 00:20:04,677
Could actually be when you're
watching the movie version of
420
00:20:04,689 --> 00:20:06,477
What to Expect When You're Expecting.
421
00:20:06,501 --> 00:20:07,986
Regardless...
422
00:20:08,535 --> 00:20:10,078
I...
423
00:20:10,103 --> 00:20:12,078
am coming...
424
00:20:12,234 --> 00:20:13,935
for you.
425
00:20:16,884 --> 00:20:19,431
Oh, my God, Schmidt is
so scary. You were right.
426
00:20:19,448 --> 00:20:22,073
We have to talk about the things - that he
could use to pull us apart, okay? - Okay.
427
00:20:22,088 --> 00:20:23,919
- Okay. Okay, politics.
- Okay.
428
00:20:23,938 --> 00:20:26,101
- You're a Democrat, I've never voted.
- I'm in the Green Party.
429
00:20:26,119 --> 00:20:27,419
Oh, that is so annoying.
430
00:20:27,438 --> 00:20:31,494
Okay, I have been banned for
my lifetime from Lake Ontario.
431
00:20:31,498 --> 00:20:32,498
- Don't ask.
- Okay.
432
00:20:32,529 --> 00:20:34,739
- What else do you have?
- My fear of pears.
433
00:20:35,121 --> 00:20:36,539
Okay, you're afraid of pears?
434
00:20:36,561 --> 00:20:39,133
- And pear-shaped people.
- Um, that's interesting.
435
00:20:39,137 --> 00:20:41,905
I'm not convinced I know how to read.
I've just memorized a lot of words.
436
00:20:41,929 --> 00:20:44,291
The doctors say I might
grow another 18 inches.
437
00:20:44,313 --> 00:20:47,402
That's a different image of you, but I'm
gonna get past that, and I'm past it.
438
00:20:47,429 --> 00:20:49,154
- Okay, the moon landing...
- Mm-hmm.
439
00:20:49,179 --> 00:20:51,592
- Uh, which is obviously fake.
- No, it's not obviously fake.
440
00:20:51,617 --> 00:20:53,173
- No, that's actually not what...
- Are you crazy?
441
00:20:53,188 --> 00:20:55,428
- The moon landing is definitely fake, by the way.
- The moon landing's not... What?!
442
00:20:55,453 --> 00:20:56,873
- The shadows are off.
- No, they're not.
443
00:20:56,898 --> 00:20:58,976
Yes, they are. I've looked at photos
on the Internet, and it proves it.
444
00:20:58,994 --> 00:21:00,691
- Nick, that's... - The shadows are
off, the shadows are off...!
445
00:21:00,716 --> 00:21:03,332
Shadows are not... those
photos are Photoshopped.
446
00:21:03,344 --> 00:21:04,893
- That's not true.
- People do that as a joke
447
00:21:04,905 --> 00:21:06,877
- to trick stupid people.
- Oh, yeah, you can just Photoshop...
448
00:21:06,919 --> 00:21:08,383
- No, that's...
- Wait a minute.
449
00:21:08,515 --> 00:21:11,219
He's doing it already.
He's getting in our heads.
450
00:21:11,256 --> 00:21:13,806
- Unbelievable. Good call.
- Okay, this is good. Let's keep going.
451
00:21:13,824 --> 00:21:15,400
- I totally agree. Okay.
- Let's keep going. Okay.
452
00:21:15,426 --> 00:21:17,737
I... kind of want to get a gun.
453
00:21:17,769 --> 00:21:19,950
I'm definitely sexually
attracted to Lady Bucks.
454
00:21:20,784 --> 00:21:21,989
Ok.
455
00:21:24,166 --> 00:21:26,231
I prefer the Killborn Daily Show.
456
00:21:26,258 --> 00:21:28,764
- I think it's the best one. I know
that you're very into it... - It's not.
457
00:21:28,789 --> 00:21:30,809
Yes, it is. He's very charming.
458
00:21:30,870 --> 00:21:32,852
I'm weirdly good at volleyball.
459
00:21:32,871 --> 00:21:34,718
I believe horses are from outer space.
460
00:21:34,751 --> 00:21:36,387
- I believe that too!
- Ok. Good.
461
00:21:36,414 --> 00:21:44,414
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