1
00:00:03,345 --> 00:00:05,485
That is how you have sex, America.

2
00:00:05,549 --> 00:00:07,160
- Yeah.
- Yeah.

3
00:00:07,191 --> 00:00:09,597
What's happening here is amazing.

4
00:00:09,797 --> 00:00:13,592
Like, I want to film it, but I don't want
to film it 'cause that would be porn.

5
00:00:13,627 --> 00:00:18,665
And that time, I think I figured out what
that thing underneath the thing was.

6
00:00:18,688 --> 00:00:20,687
- Yeah, you did.
- And whoa, right?

7
00:00:20,705 --> 00:00:22,246
Yeah, whoa.

8
00:00:22,299 --> 00:00:26,277
Hey, should we take a break and, like,
talk about our childhoods or something?

9
00:00:26,777 --> 00:00:30,343
You know, get in there, get into
it, get into each other's heads.

10
00:00:30,436 --> 00:00:32,825
Dreams, thoughts, fears, feelings.

11
00:00:32,868 --> 00:00:34,664
If... Yeah... I mean...

12
00:00:35,533 --> 00:00:37,832
- No?
- I'm gonna throw a curveball.

13
00:00:37,898 --> 00:00:41,060
I'm gonna go banana it and then
I'll be ready for round two.

14
00:00:41,086 --> 00:00:43,405
Define "banana it."

15
00:00:43,450 --> 00:00:44,669
Eat a banana?

16
00:00:44,686 --> 00:00:45,986
Oh, good.

17
00:00:46,297 --> 00:00:48,689
I was worried for a second.

18
00:00:49,776 --> 00:00:52,914
What are Nick and Jess doing in
there, and how is it this loud?

19
00:00:53,164 --> 00:00:55,541
Nick's body is so soft,
it should absorb sound.

20
00:00:55,559 --> 00:00:58,822
They're just getting warmed up, Schmidt.
It's a whole new ball game around here.

21
00:00:58,851 --> 00:01:01,567
You, see, you wouldn't know that
'cause you haven't been here in weeks,

22
00:01:01,616 --> 00:01:04,117
but now that you're single, yeah,
you got to deal with this, too.

23
00:01:04,155 --> 00:01:06,345
Dumped by two women in
the same day, Schmidt,

24
00:01:06,378 --> 00:01:08,195
- that has got to be a record, man.
- I get it, all right?

25
00:01:08,226 --> 00:01:10,465
I lost two perfect women, but
I'm fine with it, all right?

26
00:01:10,490 --> 00:01:13,038
- I'm fine. - You could've been perfectly
happy with either one of them,

27
00:01:13,045 --> 00:01:15,400
- but now you're by yourself.
- Winston, I'm fine. Please.

28
00:01:15,414 --> 00:01:17,414
- That really has to hurt.
- This is my home, too.

29
00:01:17,435 --> 00:01:18,969
I shouldn't have to be
faced with their stupid,

30
00:01:18,989 --> 00:01:21,238
happy relationship everywhere I look.

31
00:01:22,334 --> 00:01:25,778
This is going to stop, Winston,
and I'm gonna stop it.

32
00:01:25,797 --> 00:01:28,299
Well, my advice to you is
to stay in your foxhole,

33
00:01:28,322 --> 00:01:31,589
keep your head down and
invest in one of these babies.

34
00:01:32,010 --> 00:01:33,845
Watch your butt, Ferguson.

35
00:01:34,028 --> 00:01:36,373
This is my survival kit.
Check this out, man.

36
00:01:36,523 --> 00:01:38,098
Blindfold.

37
00:01:38,264 --> 00:01:40,498
Get this bell wrapped around my neck
so he can hear when I'm coming.

38
00:01:40,511 --> 00:01:43,541
Every couple has a weakness. Kate and Will,
I could break them up with one e-mail.

39
00:01:43,570 --> 00:01:45,348
Oh, look at that,
look at the royal baby now,

40
00:01:45,366 --> 00:01:48,212
- living with slutty Aunt Pippa.
- I'm telling you, they're bulletproof.

41
00:01:50,625 --> 00:01:54,200
Um, I have to show Nick
something in the bathroom.

42
00:01:54,304 --> 00:01:55,904
Yeah, it's tiles.

43
00:01:57,140 --> 00:01:59,363
I'm so bad at lying.

44
00:01:59,967 --> 00:02:01,062
It's for sex.

45
00:02:01,085 --> 00:02:04,048
Oh, go! Go make love
in our communal shower.

46
00:02:04,216 --> 00:02:06,472
Enjoy it now, you little bunnies.

47
00:02:06,861 --> 00:02:08,216
What?

48
00:02:08,239 --> 00:02:10,240
Want to see a magic trick?

49
00:02:12,747 --> 00:02:15,513
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ <i>Who's that girl?</i> ♪

50
00:02:15,570 --> 00:02:16,970
♪ Who's that girl? ♪

51
00:02:16,996 --> 00:02:19,143
♪ <i>Who's that girl?</i> ♪
♪ It's Jess ♪

52
00:02:20,598 --> 00:02:22,418
I like your chewing face.

53
00:02:22,453 --> 00:02:25,378
It's just food. Yeah, that's
all it is, okay, people?

54
00:02:25,409 --> 00:02:27,244
I know it's super annoying
to be around a couple.

55
00:02:27,256 --> 00:02:28,526
Not me at all. It's him.

56
00:02:28,556 --> 00:02:30,224
Who? Oh.

57
00:02:31,521 --> 00:02:32,791
Look at him.

58
00:02:32,860 --> 00:02:36,610
Yeah, we had a tough day
today at the V-E-T.

59
00:02:36,627 --> 00:02:39,701
Yeah, they said he's gonna have to get...
It rhymes with "fleutered."

60
00:02:40,382 --> 00:02:42,590
- The word is neutered.
- Cats don't speak English.

61
00:02:42,605 --> 00:02:46,033
Ferguson's never gonna experience
actual, physical lovemaking.

62
00:02:46,058 --> 00:02:47,706
Do you think you're a little
too into your cat?

63
00:02:47,723 --> 00:02:51,541
He should be out there, just getting
all crazy, getting his freak on.

64
00:02:52,007 --> 00:02:53,475
I feel bad, man. I
don't know what to do.

65
00:02:53,495 --> 00:02:55,801
Let's try to help. We got
three smart people here.

66
00:02:55,865 --> 00:02:58,398
- We all know we got to get
Ferguson laid, right? - Right.

67
00:02:58,568 --> 00:03:00,140
Cat bachelor party.

68
00:03:00,227 --> 00:03:01,661
- That's right.
- What do you think?

69
00:03:01,682 --> 00:03:04,674
- Yeah, get some little cat strippers.
- Big booty cats, little booty cats.

70
00:03:05,251 --> 00:03:06,582
Some tabbies.

71
00:03:06,612 --> 00:03:08,043
- Some black ones, some white ones.
- Yeah.

72
00:03:08,061 --> 00:03:10,796
- We'll mix it up. Get us a couple
Siamese, get weird with it. - Yeah.

73
00:03:10,820 --> 00:03:12,602
- Get him laid?
- You know we're kidding?

74
00:03:12,627 --> 00:03:15,444
- We're kidding.
- Sure, sure, sure, sure. Gotcha.

75
00:03:16,846 --> 00:03:18,127
It's happening.

76
00:03:20,740 --> 00:03:23,355
Oh, look, it's you and you.

77
00:03:23,371 --> 00:03:25,902
Is that a cake? Why do
you have a sheet cake?

78
00:03:25,957 --> 00:03:27,724
Don't eat the cake, Jess.

79
00:03:28,196 --> 00:03:30,459
What is that? Like,
vanilla and vanilla?

80
00:03:30,488 --> 00:03:33,950
I just wanted to wish you guys
a happy one-month anniversary.

81
00:03:34,932 --> 00:03:37,151
- Hip hip.
- You said you wanted to break us up.

82
00:03:37,187 --> 00:03:38,781
You said you didn't care if
it took your whole life.

83
00:03:38,807 --> 00:03:41,354
Look, I understand that I'm not exactly
your favorite person right now,

84
00:03:41,387 --> 00:03:43,928
but I didn't want a milestone
in your relationship like this

85
00:03:43,954 --> 00:03:46,110
to-to go uncelebrated.

86
00:03:46,447 --> 00:03:48,113
You're really great together.

87
00:03:51,788 --> 00:03:52,884
I don't trust him.

88
00:03:52,915 --> 00:03:55,553
I know. It's Schmidt
we're talking about.

89
00:03:55,831 --> 00:04:00,259
After he saw the movie Titanic,
he started the Billy Zane fan club.

90
00:04:00,289 --> 00:04:02,595
- What?
- Look it up. They're called the Zaniacs.

91
00:04:02,638 --> 00:04:06,979
Why does that make me angrier
than anything he's ever done?

92
00:04:06,997 --> 00:04:08,171
- I will handle this.
- Okay.

93
00:04:08,190 --> 00:04:13,585
And I'm gonna test this cake
because I'm so mad at Schmidt.

94
00:04:16,438 --> 00:04:18,179
Hey, dummy,
why'd you get us that cake?

95
00:04:18,204 --> 00:04:20,004
Come on, man, I'm
just happy for you.

96
00:04:20,042 --> 00:04:21,609
Looking at a-a month?

97
00:04:21,638 --> 00:04:22,556
A big month, man.

98
00:04:22,580 --> 00:04:25,025
How many relationships have you had
that have lasted more than a month?

99
00:04:25,056 --> 00:04:25,908
I don't know, some.

100
00:04:25,925 --> 00:04:28,422
Probably very few, probably
very, very few, right?

101
00:04:28,521 --> 00:04:30,223
I mean, you think
it's less than two?

102
00:04:30,248 --> 00:04:33,343
- One, it's Caroline, you know.
- One? Are you kidding me, man?

103
00:04:33,489 --> 00:04:35,031
It's insane. That's so few,

104
00:04:35,044 --> 00:04:37,958
but I guess you only need one,
right, the one. Too soon?

105
00:04:37,979 --> 00:04:39,534
- I'm really happy, Schmidt.
- You should be, man.

106
00:04:39,552 --> 00:04:41,120
Look at you. You're
like a different guy.

107
00:04:41,136 --> 00:04:44,291
Usually at this point, you're
overthinking and anxious

108
00:04:44,315 --> 00:04:46,902
and panicky and overthinking
and overthinking

109
00:04:46,940 --> 00:04:50,019
and distant and nervous
and sweaty and overthinking.

110
00:04:50,044 --> 00:04:52,519
- You're trying to get in my head, and
it's not gonna work. - Who could, man?

111
00:04:52,551 --> 00:04:53,926
Look at you.

112
00:04:53,951 --> 00:04:57,539
You're cool as a cucumber.
You're Obama on the ski slopes.

113
00:04:57,564 --> 00:04:58,889
Now, get out there.

114
00:04:58,915 --> 00:05:02,398
Enjoy that cake with the woman that
you love. Too soon? Forget about it.

115
00:05:02,626 --> 00:05:04,476
- Good talk.
- Yeah.

116
00:05:07,636 --> 00:05:09,862
- What's wrong?
- Nothing.

117
00:05:18,648 --> 00:05:20,018
Uh-oh.

118
00:05:20,346 --> 00:05:23,838
Looks like we have a little
Groundhog Day situation.

119
00:05:23,850 --> 00:05:26,615
Please don't call it a
Groundhog's Day situation.

120
00:05:26,633 --> 00:05:29,732
Six more weeks of winter.

121
00:05:30,685 --> 00:05:32,798
Don't worry. Lie back.

122
00:05:33,277 --> 00:05:34,644
I'm gonna take care of this.

123
00:05:36,232 --> 00:05:38,992
This has never happened in my
whole life, just so you know.

124
00:05:39,010 --> 00:05:40,980
It's cool. What
can I do to help?

125
00:05:41,012 --> 00:05:43,272
I don't know, maybe
think outside of the box?

126
00:05:43,730 --> 00:05:47,871
A little chicken kabob with rice.

127
00:05:48,593 --> 00:05:52,013
Choice of naan or chutney.

128
00:05:54,222 --> 00:05:56,826
- How about we...
- Shh! Oh, I had it.

129
00:05:57,136 --> 00:05:58,468
Reverse psychology.

130
00:05:58,487 --> 00:06:01,193
I'm not attracted to you.
I don't think you're sexy.

131
00:06:01,211 --> 00:06:02,809
- Don't want to have sex with you.
- Okay.

132
00:06:02,821 --> 00:06:06,226
- I think you're a fat, fat, fatty, fat...
- Okay!

133
00:06:12,675 --> 00:06:14,133
Oh, yeah.

134
00:06:15,032 --> 00:06:16,751
Papa Smurf? Really?

135
00:06:16,786 --> 00:06:18,120
Whole body.

136
00:06:18,147 --> 00:06:19,017
Are you sure?

137
00:06:19,035 --> 00:06:20,670
- Yes, hey.
- Okay.

138
00:06:20,720 --> 00:06:22,226
- This will work, let's do it.
- Okay.

139
00:06:22,246 --> 00:06:24,514
Okay.

140
00:06:25,550 --> 00:06:27,843
Well, at least the sun
managed to get up.

141
00:06:29,672 --> 00:06:32,188
- I have to go move my car.
- I'm kidding.

142
00:06:32,484 --> 00:06:34,190
But I'm kidding!

143
00:06:34,605 --> 00:06:36,886
Are we not kidding about this?

144
00:06:41,229 --> 00:06:42,886
Does she have all her shots?

145
00:06:42,925 --> 00:06:44,375
- Yep.
- Okay, cool, cool.

146
00:06:44,410 --> 00:06:45,530
Um, let me ask you this.

147
00:06:45,555 --> 00:06:48,671
Uh, does she strike you as,
um, I don't know, slutty?

148
00:06:48,698 --> 00:06:51,628
Excuse me, I'm here to pick
up Fatty from her grooming.

149
00:06:54,649 --> 00:06:55,574
Oh.

150
00:06:55,744 --> 00:06:57,257
Oh, there you are.

151
00:06:58,623 --> 00:07:00,423
- Who are you here to pick up?
- Well, actually,

152
00:07:00,463 --> 00:07:03,598
uh, my boy cat is
looking for a girl cat.

153
00:07:04,229 --> 00:07:05,752
Oh.

154
00:07:06,227 --> 00:07:09,401
Well, I might know a girl cat
who's looking for a boy cat.

155
00:07:09,858 --> 00:07:11,360
- Oh, yeah?
- Mm-hmm.

156
00:07:11,405 --> 00:07:13,617
Does the girl cat
have all her parts?

157
00:07:14,296 --> 00:07:15,977
Um,

158
00:07:16,081 --> 00:07:17,425
- yeah.
- Yes?

159
00:07:17,480 --> 00:07:21,504
Uh, okay. Well, um, I don't know, maybe,
uh, she could come over sometime?

160
00:07:22,139 --> 00:07:24,234
Like, our cats could
go on a date?

161
00:07:24,339 --> 00:07:25,445
Yes, you get it.

162
00:07:25,474 --> 00:07:27,442
You know, everyone else
thought I was being weird.

163
00:07:27,832 --> 00:07:31,032
So, um, how often
do you groom your cat?

164
00:07:42,157 --> 00:07:43,399
So I talked to my mom about it,

165
00:07:43,436 --> 00:07:44,835
- and my dad...
- I've got to go move my car.

166
00:07:44,866 --> 00:07:46,821
Hey, no, it's important
we talk about these things.

167
00:07:46,846 --> 00:07:49,184
- Nick, it's...
- I'm moving my car!

168
00:07:53,687 --> 00:07:55,114
Hello.

169
00:07:55,548 --> 00:07:57,751
Whew, Nick looks exhausted.

170
00:07:57,797 --> 00:08:00,131
You guys obviously
had a good night.

171
00:08:01,373 --> 00:08:03,864
Yeah, um, I... We
didn't sleep much.

172
00:08:03,889 --> 00:08:06,090
Well, of course you didn't,
you mangy little stray.

173
00:08:06,118 --> 00:08:07,786
I really don't want to talk about it,

174
00:08:07,801 --> 00:08:09,808
- especially not with you, Schmidt.
- I know,

175
00:08:09,836 --> 00:08:13,438
and look, I also realize that it's gonna be
a long time for me to regain your trust.

176
00:08:13,477 --> 00:08:17,101
I just think it's sad because
if you did have a Nick problem,

177
00:08:17,938 --> 00:08:19,772
I probably could help you out.

178
00:08:20,459 --> 00:08:22,172
You know, my diploma
says that I majored

179
00:08:22,187 --> 00:08:25,013
in communications,
but my heart says

180
00:08:25,125 --> 00:08:27,335
that I majored in
Nicholas studies.

181
00:08:29,641 --> 00:08:30,905
I'm just saying.

182
00:08:31,175 --> 00:08:33,944
I love the morning.
Anything's possible.

183
00:08:33,976 --> 00:08:36,345
The whole day's ahead
of you, you know?

184
00:08:36,389 --> 00:08:38,402
Last night, Nick struggled
with impotence.

185
00:08:38,421 --> 00:08:41,158
Oh, my God, I'm not
talking you about this.

186
00:08:41,191 --> 00:08:44,685
Jess, look, I get it. You don't want my
help, but just do me a favor please.

187
00:08:44,807 --> 00:08:46,305
Let me know when you're
not mad at me anymore

188
00:08:46,317 --> 00:08:50,289
so I can tell you about how men crave
danger and variety in their sexual lives.

189
00:08:50,396 --> 00:08:53,600
I just hope it's not too
late, fingers crossed.

190
00:08:55,930 --> 00:08:57,366
What are you talking about?

191
00:08:57,400 --> 00:09:00,746
I mean, I don't care,
but if I did...

192
00:09:00,790 --> 00:09:03,298
- theoretically.
- Theoretically,

193
00:09:03,586 --> 00:09:07,207
I would tell you for-for a man whose
midsection is basically mush,

194
00:09:07,238 --> 00:09:08,896
Nick has had a lot of sex.

195
00:09:08,921 --> 00:09:11,134
He's pushed that
mush all over town.

196
00:09:11,209 --> 00:09:13,597
And you know what,
he's got some very weird taste.

197
00:09:13,622 --> 00:09:15,412
Dark, real fringe stuff.

198
00:09:15,437 --> 00:09:17,618
He likes stuff
that they don't even have porn for.

199
00:09:17,635 --> 00:09:22,252
And you know, a lot of women wouldn't
think to do the Captain in-in bed.

200
00:09:22,729 --> 00:09:25,010
- What? - That was a mistake. I
shouldn't have said anything.

201
00:09:25,071 --> 00:09:27,598
I didn't want to talk about the Captain.
It was a thing, and I did and...

202
00:09:27,622 --> 00:09:29,766
- Do you want a smoothie?
- What's the Captain?

203
00:09:31,327 --> 00:09:33,439
Well, it starts off with...

204
00:09:38,525 --> 00:09:40,677
But you want to clean
yourself up immediately.

205
00:09:40,702 --> 00:09:42,263
I mean immediately.

206
00:09:42,291 --> 00:09:44,058
And then you...

207
00:09:46,383 --> 00:09:48,683
How comfortable
are you with racial slurs?

208
00:09:49,101 --> 00:09:50,614
Then you...

209
00:09:54,778 --> 00:09:56,537
That's basically it.

210
00:09:56,924 --> 00:09:58,366
That's what Nick wants in bed?

211
00:09:58,391 --> 00:10:01,187
Yeah, I know. Look, you're probably
not up for it. It's my... It's my fault.

212
00:10:01,195 --> 00:10:03,188
It's very degrading,
it's offensive, and you,

213
00:10:03,200 --> 00:10:05,892
you just don't have the time
to learn all those dolphin sounds.

214
00:10:05,905 --> 00:10:08,808
Are you sure you don't want some
of this smoothie? It's straw-bana.

215
00:10:10,130 --> 00:10:11,864
Okay, Ferguson, this is
a big moment in your life.

216
00:10:11,879 --> 00:10:14,147
All right, just be
yourself, you dawg.

217
00:10:14,185 --> 00:10:16,329
Winston, I think I found a way to...

218
00:10:17,758 --> 00:10:19,651
You want to try some catnip?

219
00:10:20,640 --> 00:10:22,240
This is a real bummer.

220
00:10:27,888 --> 00:10:29,358
Ahoy, Nicholas.

221
00:10:32,673 --> 00:10:34,373
Wait, I'm scared!

222
00:10:43,830 --> 00:10:45,508
- Hey.
- Hey.

223
00:10:45,558 --> 00:10:47,046
I'm so glad you could make it.

224
00:10:47,064 --> 00:10:49,709
- Oh, thanks.
- Let's, um, let's head to my room.

225
00:10:49,720 --> 00:10:51,771
Oh, you're not wasting any time.

226
00:10:51,777 --> 00:10:54,218
You know, it's just that I have
very judgy roommates, you know,

227
00:10:54,236 --> 00:10:56,175
that might get a little weirded
out if they walked in the room

228
00:10:56,205 --> 00:10:58,311
- and saw something they weren't
supposed to see. - Oh.

229
00:10:58,342 --> 00:11:00,176
Or it's whatever,
whatever Fatty wants.

230
00:11:00,199 --> 00:11:03,011
- What do you want, Fatty?
- Fatty wants to see your room.

231
00:11:03,036 --> 00:11:04,804
That's awesome. Great news.
You hear that, Ferguson?

232
00:11:04,832 --> 00:11:07,163
- Y'all go play.
- Yeah? There you go.

233
00:11:07,282 --> 00:11:11,113
- He was nervous.
- Well, good thing I brought this.

234
00:11:11,799 --> 00:11:13,155
Yeah, we can't give
wine to these cats.

235
00:11:13,188 --> 00:11:16,258
It's been a tough six months,
and this cat needs a drink so...

236
00:11:17,023 --> 00:11:17,917
O-Okay.

237
00:11:17,935 --> 00:11:19,953
- I don't think they care. They're
not listening at all. - Mm-mm.

238
00:11:19,971 --> 00:11:21,746
- They're too into each other.
- Yeah.

239
00:11:21,952 --> 00:11:24,894
Nick, we have to talk
about this, okay?

240
00:11:25,253 --> 00:11:26,980
All right, I'll go first.

241
00:11:27,356 --> 00:11:28,775
Listen...

242
00:11:29,144 --> 00:11:33,388
I was uncomfortable with some of
the specifics of what we just did.

243
00:11:33,413 --> 00:11:36,858
For example, when I said,
"You like that, huh?"

244
00:11:37,080 --> 00:11:40,749
I felt like you really,
really didn't like it.

245
00:11:41,486 --> 00:11:42,624
How do you feel?

246
00:11:42,657 --> 00:11:43,749
I just...

247
00:11:45,283 --> 00:11:47,151
I feel like, you know...

248
00:11:47,803 --> 00:11:50,137
No, it's just kind of like...
be... I mean...

249
00:11:52,658 --> 00:11:54,374
Uh...

250
00:11:54,597 --> 00:11:56,601
It was good, you know.
It's over.

251
00:11:57,150 --> 00:11:59,139
Love sleeping birdsty.

252
00:11:59,264 --> 00:12:03,421
I just want to know what I did wrong.
How does the Captain normally go?

253
00:12:03,814 --> 00:12:06,615
- The what?
- The Captain. What we just did.

254
00:12:07,104 --> 00:12:09,070
I've never done that in my life.

255
00:12:09,082 --> 00:12:11,054
- We did that because you wanted to, Jess.
- What?!

256
00:12:11,088 --> 00:12:12,771
Why would I want to do that?

257
00:12:12,795 --> 00:12:16,810
That's degrading to not only
women but all of mankind, Nick.

258
00:12:16,835 --> 00:12:20,691
- I know. - I only did that 'cause Schmidt
told me it was your favorite thing...

259
00:12:23,551 --> 00:12:26,369
Did you say, 'cause
Schmidt said?

260
00:12:26,386 --> 00:12:28,593
No, no, no, no.
Did you just...

261
00:12:28,599 --> 00:12:31,937
Did you talk to... tight
pants and eyebrows...

262
00:12:31,961 --> 00:12:33,944
Who was I supposed
to talk to, Nick?

263
00:12:33,950 --> 00:12:36,053
Every time I tried to talk to
you about your penis problems,

264
00:12:36,078 --> 00:12:39,029
- you went to move your car.
- Those aren't penis problems.

265
00:12:39,278 --> 00:12:42,181
What is... Did you talk to Winston
about my penis problems?

266
00:12:42,199 --> 00:12:43,900
- What about Cece, did she get a call?
- He wasn't around.

267
00:12:43,917 --> 00:12:46,392
Schmidt told me he had
a PhD in Nickology.

268
00:12:46,416 --> 00:12:48,073
He doesn't. There's no such...

269
00:12:48,106 --> 00:12:49,906
We have to talk about our
feelings 'cause we're together.

270
00:12:49,923 --> 00:12:52,553
If we needed to talk about feelings,

271
00:12:52,717 --> 00:12:54,398
they would be called "talkings."

272
00:12:54,432 --> 00:12:56,095
No, that is not true. Nick...

273
00:12:56,107 --> 00:12:58,204
- That is 100%...
- This is it...

274
00:12:58,222 --> 00:13:00,221
This is Schmidt getting in our heads.

275
00:13:00,252 --> 00:13:02,024
- I'm going to kill him!
- Jessica, wait.

276
00:13:02,049 --> 00:13:04,545
- Schmidt!
- I can't run that fast... The Captain!

277
00:13:04,597 --> 00:13:07,122
I trusted you. You
took advantage of me.

278
00:13:07,146 --> 00:13:08,682
- Something wrong?
- You set us up.

279
00:13:08,712 --> 00:13:11,165
I've done things to
Nick I can't ever undo.

280
00:13:11,180 --> 00:13:13,718
You see, your fatal flaw...
Communication.

281
00:13:13,849 --> 00:13:16,344
You won't shut up about your
feelings, and the only thing

282
00:13:16,362 --> 00:13:18,867
this dummy wants to talk about
is the Chicago Brown Bears.

283
00:13:18,886 --> 00:13:20,541
It's just the Chicago Bears.
There's no brown...

284
00:13:20,559 --> 00:13:22,297
Who cares? I put a pebble
in your path

285
00:13:22,321 --> 00:13:24,222
and the two of you cracked
your tiny little skulls on it.

286
00:13:24,238 --> 00:13:26,873
Ooh, by the way, how
was the Captain?

287
00:13:26,894 --> 00:13:28,256
Did you make it all the
way to the spyglass?

288
00:13:28,293 --> 00:13:31,039
Yes, Schmidt! And my
night vision's very good

289
00:13:31,070 --> 00:13:32,889
'cause my eyes are
so buggy and big

290
00:13:32,907 --> 00:13:35,572
and I saw everything and I
can't erase it from my memory.

291
00:13:35,591 --> 00:13:37,028
Please, Jess, stop
talking about the Captain.

292
00:13:37,046 --> 00:13:39,683
Why don't we just go back
to being roommates. Okay?

293
00:13:39,695 --> 00:13:41,296
Nick, what do you say?

294
00:13:41,434 --> 00:13:43,605
The floor is yours. You want
to tell us how you feel?

295
00:13:43,623 --> 00:13:45,368
- Me?
- Yeah.

296
00:13:45,518 --> 00:13:47,852
Well... I think it's...

297
00:13:48,393 --> 00:13:49,796
I just...

298
00:13:53,160 --> 00:13:54,894
Beautifully said. Thank you, Nick.

299
00:13:54,914 --> 00:13:55,877
Enjoy the breakup.

300
00:13:55,913 --> 00:13:59,288
If you need me, I'll be in my room
listening to some mainstream hip-hop.

301
00:14:00,145 --> 00:14:01,714
Stop!

302
00:14:08,155 --> 00:14:10,202
I have feelings.

303
00:14:15,616 --> 00:14:17,845
I didn't like when
you did the Captain.

304
00:14:18,128 --> 00:14:19,962
It made me feel...

305
00:14:21,689 --> 00:14:22,408
bad.

306
00:14:22,426 --> 00:14:25,681
Okay, I've... I've never
seen this sober before.

307
00:14:25,700 --> 00:14:29,034
Stop, it's my turn. You talk
too much and it frustrates me.

308
00:14:29,052 --> 00:14:31,678
Sometimes you talk even
after you've fallen asleep.

309
00:14:31,805 --> 00:14:33,511
How do you breathe? Where
do you get the words?

310
00:14:33,529 --> 00:14:37,261
But it doesn't matter, Jess,
because I like you a lot.

311
00:14:37,570 --> 00:14:39,138
But maybe do that less, okay?

312
00:14:39,155 --> 00:14:42,069
Nick, I just feel... Sorry.

313
00:14:42,136 --> 00:14:44,529
I'm so sorry. Just...
keep going.

314
00:14:44,562 --> 00:14:46,340
I don't know. Um...

315
00:14:46,800 --> 00:14:50,126
I really like the
instrument of the cello.

316
00:14:50,403 --> 00:14:52,588
I like the cello a lot, and
I don't talk about it a lot

317
00:14:52,615 --> 00:14:55,409
but I should because I feel
very passionate about it.

318
00:14:55,427 --> 00:14:57,059
It's a beautiful instrument.

319
00:14:57,071 --> 00:14:59,333
It's like a guitar
but it stands up.

320
00:14:59,528 --> 00:15:04,847
I once saw a zebra named Gavin give birth
at the zoo, and I cried hysterically.

321
00:15:04,939 --> 00:15:06,964
And then I bought one of
those stretched out pennies

322
00:15:06,982 --> 00:15:09,682
that you can get to remember it and
then I lost that and I cried again.

323
00:15:09,724 --> 00:15:12,293
Sometimes when I smell dust in
like an attic or something,

324
00:15:12,312 --> 00:15:15,143
like that mothy, dusty,
I think about my mother.

325
00:15:15,216 --> 00:15:17,106
When I was 14, I saw
my mother change,

326
00:15:17,125 --> 00:15:19,663
and I saw her whole body
naked without underpants on.

327
00:15:20,100 --> 00:15:21,856
I really like when
a rap song uses a choir.

328
00:15:21,881 --> 00:15:24,256
It makes me feel really happy
when all those ladies' voices

329
00:15:24,286 --> 00:15:26,806
come in and then the guy's rapping.
I think it's awesome.

330
00:15:26,840 --> 00:15:29,099
- I'm really proud of you, Nick.
- I really like you.

331
00:15:29,200 --> 00:15:30,330
I like you, too.

332
00:15:30,361 --> 00:15:33,494
And it's been a month
and I'm not scared.

333
00:15:33,802 --> 00:15:35,098
Unless you're doing the Captain,

334
00:15:35,141 --> 00:15:38,410
and then I experience very real
fear and it's very visceral...

335
00:15:38,445 --> 00:15:39,646
Just kiss me.

336
00:15:39,679 --> 00:15:41,135
No kissing in the living room!

337
00:15:45,026 --> 00:15:47,385
No. No, no, no!
No, no, no, no, no!

338
00:15:48,197 --> 00:15:50,822
Cease lovemaking! All
lovemaking must cease.

339
00:15:50,843 --> 00:15:53,061
- Get out of here, Schmidt!
- Break up!

340
00:15:53,079 --> 00:15:55,054
Just break up already, pl...
Oh, forget it.

341
00:15:55,072 --> 00:15:56,657
- I'm just... I'm-I'm...
- Hey, no, no.

342
00:15:56,684 --> 00:15:58,878
What are you doing? Oh, my
God, he just hit my sack.

343
00:15:58,901 --> 00:16:01,709
Body block! I'm pure core.
I've been training for this.

344
00:16:01,730 --> 00:16:03,348
Yeah, human dental dam.

345
00:16:06,154 --> 00:16:08,748
So... What do you do for fun?

346
00:16:09,179 --> 00:16:10,667
Huh? Oh, um...

347
00:16:10,716 --> 00:16:13,146
- You know, like all good things.
- Like what? Tell me one thing.

348
00:16:14,364 --> 00:16:15,958
I'm sorry, do you hear noise?

349
00:16:15,989 --> 00:16:17,083
- Oh...
- Do you hear shouting?

350
00:16:17,095 --> 00:16:18,683
- 'Cause I'm just...
- Yeah.

351
00:16:18,727 --> 00:16:19,968
No. No, no, no, no, no.

352
00:16:21,334 --> 00:16:23,228
Who the hell messed
up the mood?!

353
00:16:24,669 --> 00:16:26,623
- Schmidt, Schmidt.
- Hey.

354
00:16:26,765 --> 00:16:28,116
Put down my condoms.

355
00:16:28,144 --> 00:16:31,413
- Pull it together, Schmidt.
- It's raining celibacy. Hallelujah.

356
00:16:31,442 --> 00:16:33,438
- You're losing it, man.
- If I'm not having sex in this loft,

357
00:16:33,450 --> 00:16:36,643
nobody's having sex in
this loft. Hyah!

358
00:16:38,700 --> 00:16:40,056
- Oh, hey, hey.
- Hey, hey.

359
00:16:40,081 --> 00:16:41,992
Oh, my birth control pills.

360
00:16:42,002 --> 00:16:45,058
- You don't want to do this, my man.
- Yes, I do want to do this.

361
00:16:45,202 --> 00:16:47,233
It's the only way to get this place
back to the way that it was.

362
00:16:47,265 --> 00:16:49,696
- Put them down. Give them to me.
- Give them to Jess.

363
00:16:49,767 --> 00:16:51,970
- Come on, buddy, it's not worth it.
- No fear!

364
00:16:51,990 --> 00:16:54,091
- Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday.
- Oh, my God.

365
00:16:54,119 --> 00:16:56,034
Why didn't you just throw
them in the sink, you idiot.

366
00:16:56,053 --> 00:16:58,080
You better pray that
was a placebo week.

367
00:16:58,108 --> 00:17:00,239
Is he eating birth
control pills?

368
00:17:00,465 --> 00:17:03,033
Friday! Full wheel, bitches!

369
00:17:03,381 --> 00:17:05,143
I win. I don't feel good.

370
00:17:05,165 --> 00:17:08,776
Guys, come on, our cats were
just about to have sex.

371
00:17:09,948 --> 00:17:11,690
Oh, my God.

372
00:17:11,812 --> 00:17:13,962
Oh, my God, this whole
time I thought...

373
00:17:16,590 --> 00:17:17,759
What?

374
00:17:17,840 --> 00:17:21,140
Fatty, come on.
We're out of here.

375
00:17:24,059 --> 00:17:26,542
So, what do you guys
think, loft meeting in 20?

376
00:17:26,586 --> 00:17:27,745
Yeah, I'll be there in 15.

377
00:17:27,769 --> 00:17:31,199
Got to stick my head in a paper bag
and scream at the top of my lungs.

378
00:17:32,237 --> 00:17:34,194
Oh, yeah, there'll be no snacks.

379
00:17:38,322 --> 00:17:41,367
Schmidt, I just looked it up. There's
no way estrogen works that fast.

380
00:17:41,386 --> 00:17:43,642
- You don't know my body.
- Please, stop talking about your body.

381
00:17:43,653 --> 00:17:45,422
Okay, that's a good segue...

382
00:17:45,515 --> 00:17:49,730
to some of the more relevant topics that
I would like to cover in this meeting.

383
00:17:49,748 --> 00:17:51,716
Like, uh, personal space.

384
00:17:52,015 --> 00:17:53,229
Public space.

385
00:17:53,260 --> 00:17:54,982
Other people's medicines...

386
00:17:55,094 --> 00:17:56,890
Taking them versus not taking them.

387
00:17:56,919 --> 00:17:58,619
I am so aware
of my nipples right now.

388
00:17:58,654 --> 00:17:59,921
Okay, that's a good start.

389
00:17:59,942 --> 00:18:03,253
If someone were to blow on my
nipples, I would positively scream.

390
00:18:03,278 --> 00:18:04,468
Boundaries.

391
00:18:04,703 --> 00:18:06,691
- Any takers?
- All right, we live here.

392
00:18:06,947 --> 00:18:09,219
- Where are we supposed to go?
- This is my fault.

393
00:18:09,243 --> 00:18:11,584
'Cause I'm going through
a sexual awakening.

394
00:18:11,608 --> 00:18:16,022
It's like I'm tapping into
this raw sexual energy

395
00:18:16,040 --> 00:18:17,831
that the universe is putting forth.

396
00:18:17,849 --> 00:18:20,647
And it's just both imploding
and exploding at the same time.

397
00:18:20,673 --> 00:18:23,723
And it's kind of like
I'm a young nun.

398
00:18:24,235 --> 00:18:26,710
And Nick is my sexy monseigneur.

399
00:18:26,842 --> 00:18:28,642
And I'm a...

400
00:18:30,064 --> 00:18:32,436
- I'm just going to shut up.
- Both of you need to shut up, okay?

401
00:18:32,442 --> 00:18:34,079
You're having sex,
not inventing it.

402
00:18:34,107 --> 00:18:35,477
- It can't be that good.
- It's good.

403
00:18:35,489 --> 00:18:37,443
Stop saying, "Squeeze my biscuits."

404
00:18:37,474 --> 00:18:39,215
- I'm serious, Nick.
- Sorry.

405
00:18:39,240 --> 00:18:41,472
And, Schmidt, stop taking it out
on everybody else, man.

406
00:18:41,512 --> 00:18:42,892
Deal with your breakups.

407
00:18:42,909 --> 00:18:45,908
Ain't no way in hell I got a cat
brothel going on in my room

408
00:18:45,914 --> 00:18:48,170
and I'm the only normal
person in this loft.

409
00:18:54,544 --> 00:18:56,546
You did a bad thing.

410
00:18:57,338 --> 00:18:59,023
Deal with it.

411
00:19:20,233 --> 00:19:21,589
What's that?

412
00:19:21,624 --> 00:19:24,210
Oh, it's just what I needed.

413
00:19:26,782 --> 00:19:28,544
This gum is crap.

414
00:19:36,411 --> 00:19:38,117
- You ready?
- What is it?

415
00:19:38,149 --> 00:19:40,249
Just keep your eyes closed.

416
00:19:40,282 --> 00:19:42,617
- All right, stand right there, okay?
- Okay.

417
00:19:44,265 --> 00:19:45,766
Turn around.

418
00:19:48,534 --> 00:19:50,426
- I love it.
- Yeah.

419
00:19:51,349 --> 00:19:53,652
I don't... I don't
know what it is.

420
00:19:53,673 --> 00:19:56,053
All right, then yell something.

421
00:19:56,109 --> 00:19:57,442
I soundproofed it.

422
00:19:57,614 --> 00:20:00,856
- What's wrong? I just heard yelling.
- Get out of here, man.

423
00:20:02,871 --> 00:20:04,884
He must... He must've literally
been right by the door.

424
00:20:04,897 --> 00:20:06,860
It is soundproofed... That's what
the egg crates are for, so...

425
00:20:06,872 --> 00:20:09,724
Nick, I just want
to say something. Um...

426
00:20:10,400 --> 00:20:12,420
This last month...

427
00:20:12,719 --> 00:20:14,937
has been the best
month of my life.

428
00:20:17,964 --> 00:20:19,177
Me, too.

429
00:20:19,315 --> 00:20:24,319
I've never, you know, felt this
way or had this with anybody.

430
00:20:25,156 --> 00:20:27,894
It's like there's been
this fog around my life,

431
00:20:27,925 --> 00:20:29,906
and with you, all of
a sudden it's gone.

432
00:20:29,937 --> 00:20:31,781
I love that you can express
your feelings now.

433
00:20:31,814 --> 00:20:35,361
Yeah, it's a weird feeling. It's
kind of like gross but also good.

434
00:20:35,740 --> 00:20:37,760
You know? It's like an egg broke.

435
00:20:37,873 --> 00:20:41,560
And then, like, all the yolk
comes out but it's good.

436
00:20:41,801 --> 00:20:44,829
I'm happy to admit
I like love songs.

437
00:20:45,299 --> 00:20:46,749
I understand them.

438
00:20:46,862 --> 00:20:51,275
They're really sad. They're mostly about
either the girl or the guy got away.

439
00:20:51,298 --> 00:20:53,011
They're heartbreaking numbers.

440
00:20:53,081 --> 00:20:54,781
The air... Do you feel it?

441
00:20:54,800 --> 00:20:57,842
I guess this is the air you
breathe, but it's nice.

442
00:20:57,873 --> 00:20:59,567
I feel like I'm on
this whole new planet.

443
00:21:00,045 --> 00:21:02,990
How about your two...

444
00:21:03,556 --> 00:21:06,140
- favorite planets?
- Oh, yeah, those are great.

445
00:21:06,227 --> 00:21:10,017
But I also feel like being with you,
I've finally, for the first time,

446
00:21:10,034 --> 00:21:12,950
and I know this sounds crazy,
but I can see the stars.

447
00:21:12,975 --> 00:21:15,061
You know, the other great thing
about talking about our feelings

448
00:21:15,080 --> 00:21:17,687
is we don't need to
do it all the time.

449
00:21:17,712 --> 00:21:19,378
Thank you for expressing that.

450
00:21:19,407 --> 00:21:21,735
- I feel like I can see you...
- Uh-huh.

451
00:21:21,756 --> 00:21:23,184
...in 3-D vision.

452
00:21:23,201 --> 00:21:25,339
- Everyone sees in 3-D.
- Hmm.

453
00:21:25,363 --> 00:21:27,823
So, would you like to take
my bra off, or should I?

454
00:21:27,854 --> 00:21:29,729
See, I feel excited
to take your bra off.

455
00:21:29,754 --> 00:21:31,752
- So, do it.
- I love your breasts.

456
00:21:31,770 --> 00:21:33,986
Just mixing it up with
those two things.

457
00:21:34,017 --> 00:21:35,910
- I'm not even nervous to do it.
- So, do it.

458
00:21:35,928 --> 00:21:38,479
- I feel excited to... Okay, right now.
- Let's do this.

459
00:21:38,606 --> 00:21:44,606
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