1 00:00:03,651 --> 00:00:05,014 Hey, what took you so long? 2 00:00:05,039 --> 00:00:07,545 - Come on in. - Hey. No, no. Why are we having a secret meeting in an empty loft? 3 00:00:07,574 --> 00:00:09,337 Because I don't want Schmidt to find us. 4 00:00:09,365 --> 00:00:11,637 - It's creepy, right? - I know, right? 5 00:00:11,657 --> 00:00:14,348 - Yeah, it is. - This place gives me the willies, man. 6 00:00:14,385 --> 00:00:15,917 Do you know why they can't keep a tenant in here? 7 00:00:15,940 --> 00:00:18,760 - Why? - Because Mrs. Beverly died on the toilet. 8 00:00:18,766 --> 00:00:20,838 And to come here on Halloween...? 9 00:00:21,144 --> 00:00:22,986 - Seems risky. - What's risky? 10 00:00:23,022 --> 00:00:24,286 The ghost situation. 11 00:00:24,311 --> 00:00:26,449 I brought you guys in here to talk about Schmidt. 12 00:00:26,466 --> 00:00:28,190 I'm really worried about him. 13 00:00:28,223 --> 00:00:31,942 He hasn't been to work for three days. He just sits on the couch eating cold cuts 14 00:00:31,969 --> 00:00:34,355 and yelling at the news about how nothing matters. 15 00:00:34,376 --> 00:00:36,639 - It's a problem. - Right. Be honest, it's a real problem. 16 00:00:36,657 --> 00:00:38,367 He's just going through a whole thing, you know? 17 00:00:38,391 --> 00:00:40,352 The Cece-Elizabeth breakup has gotten to him. 18 00:00:40,377 --> 00:00:43,156 Right now he is completely unhinged. 19 00:00:44,311 --> 00:00:45,766 - Y'all feel that? - What is going on? 20 00:00:45,778 --> 00:00:48,046 Not saying there's a ghost, but I felt a weird breeze go through my body, 21 00:00:48,080 --> 00:00:49,712 - that's all I'm saying. - There's no ghost. 22 00:00:49,727 --> 00:00:52,127 Guys, I can't believe I'm saying this, but... 23 00:00:52,151 --> 00:00:53,926 I miss the old Schmidt. 24 00:00:54,117 --> 00:00:56,048 I want him to be happy again. 25 00:00:56,064 --> 00:00:58,783 He's crumbling before our very eyes. 26 00:00:58,864 --> 00:01:02,758 And I'm having a party tonight, and I just can't have him lying on the couch, 27 00:01:02,786 --> 00:01:04,922 wiping his tears with deli meat. 28 00:01:04,970 --> 00:01:07,795 - I'll talk to him, okay? - Thank you. 29 00:01:07,830 --> 00:01:11,380 People get weird with breakups. Trust me, I got this. 30 00:01:11,455 --> 00:01:13,804 - You got this. - That was Winston. 31 00:01:13,824 --> 00:01:15,783 - Was that you or was that in here, dude? - That was... 32 00:01:15,807 --> 00:01:17,783 Don't do that! 33 00:01:19,269 --> 00:01:21,895 Oh, come on, Obama. 34 00:01:22,084 --> 00:01:24,418 Tanks pull in, tanks pull out. 35 00:01:24,441 --> 00:01:27,716 Babies are born, old people die. 36 00:01:28,185 --> 00:01:31,331 And yet the world keeps spinning and spinning and spinning, 37 00:01:31,347 --> 00:01:33,311 and one day, it stops. 38 00:01:33,398 --> 00:01:38,030 And then what? You want... you want to talk about... health care? 39 00:01:40,460 --> 00:01:41,623 That's mayo, buddy. 40 00:01:44,894 --> 00:01:46,862 Yeah, I don't got this. 41 00:01:49,279 --> 00:01:50,718 ♪ Who's that girl? 42 00:01:50,733 --> 00:01:53,101 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ ♪ It's Jess. 43 00:01:53,120 --> 00:01:55,620 Season 3, Episode 6 "Keaton" 44 00:01:55,647 --> 00:01:58,147 Sync & corrections: Reef www.addic7ed.com Resync for WEB-DL by Norther 45 00:01:59,332 --> 00:02:01,557 - ♪ Pumpkining... - You're really good at that. 46 00:02:01,577 --> 00:02:04,227 Thanks, man. Yeah. What are you carving there? 47 00:02:04,277 --> 00:02:06,058 - It's a pumpkin. - Oh, look at that. That's beautiful. 48 00:02:06,076 --> 00:02:08,615 - My pumpkin! - Pumpkin doesn't matter. 49 00:02:08,745 --> 00:02:12,096 Hey. I just wanted to talk to you, um... 50 00:02:12,513 --> 00:02:15,801 - About my party tonight. - You don't want me to come to the party? 51 00:02:16,342 --> 00:02:17,712 No, no, no, no, no, no. 52 00:02:17,727 --> 00:02:19,165 Jess, do you not want me to come to your party? 53 00:02:19,190 --> 00:02:22,003 - No. I... No. - Doesn't matter. 54 00:02:22,078 --> 00:02:25,031 I wouldn't go if I weren't throwing it, you know? 55 00:02:25,047 --> 00:02:26,760 It's, like, more of a business-networking... 56 00:02:26,772 --> 00:02:28,748 It's not a big deal at all. I just won't come. 57 00:02:28,769 --> 00:02:31,858 I'll stay at home, and... I'll just hang out in my costume. 58 00:02:32,009 --> 00:02:34,298 Oh, wait a minute. 59 00:02:34,969 --> 00:02:37,019 Your home is my home. 60 00:02:40,909 --> 00:02:42,507 See you at the party. 61 00:02:42,529 --> 00:02:45,410 - What the hell? - He's a total maniac. 62 00:02:45,505 --> 00:02:48,266 Well, you know what, Jess? He doesn't get like this often. 63 00:02:48,682 --> 00:02:52,032 But when he does, oh, there is an option. 64 00:02:52,434 --> 00:02:54,801 Nick, I think it's time for Schmidt 65 00:02:54,821 --> 00:02:56,859 - to get a letter from an old friend. - No, no, no, no, no, no. 66 00:02:56,878 --> 00:02:58,657 - What old friend? - Forget you heard anything. 67 00:02:58,682 --> 00:02:59,745 - What old friend? - Nothing, J... 68 00:02:59,773 --> 00:03:01,027 - We need him, Nick. - No, we don't. 69 00:03:01,049 --> 00:03:02,528 - We got to bring him back. - Bring who back? 70 00:03:02,534 --> 00:03:05,039 - Winston, don't do this! - Guys, does nobody listen to me?! 71 00:03:05,059 --> 00:03:06,378 - ...without him! - Who is he? 72 00:03:07,114 --> 00:03:09,427 - Michael Keaton. - You stupid... 73 00:03:09,453 --> 00:03:12,737 Michael Keaton, the actor? The Batman? 74 00:03:12,758 --> 00:03:14,078 Nick, are you gonna tell her, or should I? 75 00:03:14,090 --> 00:03:16,856 - I'm not telling her. - Fine. I'll do it. 76 00:03:16,900 --> 00:03:19,591 - You will? - When Schmidt was seven years old... 77 00:03:19,921 --> 00:03:23,412 You're a terrible storyteller. I'll just do it myself, I guess. 78 00:03:26,147 --> 00:03:29,509 When Schmidt was seven years old, his daddy divorced his mommy... 79 00:03:30,249 --> 00:03:33,693 And Schmidt was left without the love of a father. 80 00:03:33,863 --> 00:03:35,438 He didn't take it well. 81 00:03:35,464 --> 00:03:38,471 He began an endless cycle of crying and chocolate. 82 00:03:38,508 --> 00:03:42,852 Mrs. Schmidt tried everything to cheer him up, but nothing worked. 83 00:03:43,387 --> 00:03:47,323 Desperate, she looked to the stars. Movie stars. 84 00:03:47,339 --> 00:03:51,524 Mrs. Schmidt wrote that little fat loser a letter of support from the star 85 00:03:51,543 --> 00:03:53,405 of his favorite movie, Batman. 86 00:03:53,423 --> 00:03:57,058 But not the confusing new one. The good one, with Michael Keaton. 87 00:03:58,600 --> 00:04:02,768 And when Schmidt got his disgusting chubby hands on Keaton's letter, 88 00:04:02,787 --> 00:04:04,480 his life changed forever. 89 00:04:04,512 --> 00:04:05,366 Yes! 90 00:04:05,385 --> 00:04:07,454 But the real trouble was just beginning. 91 00:04:07,467 --> 00:04:10,706 You see, Schmidt wrote back. And he kept writing back 92 00:04:10,712 --> 00:04:14,715 about any problem he faced: bullies, schoolwork, 93 00:04:14,844 --> 00:04:16,636 public erections. 94 00:04:16,964 --> 00:04:20,295 And for every letter he sent, Michael Keaton sent one back. 95 00:04:20,320 --> 00:04:22,645 Was Winston's version shorter? 96 00:04:22,806 --> 00:04:25,833 Then one day, that tubby goon went off to college. 97 00:04:25,886 --> 00:04:29,589 So Mrs. Schmidt unloaded the secret on her son's only friend, 98 00:04:29,608 --> 00:04:31,746 a man named me. It was me. 99 00:04:31,765 --> 00:04:33,638 - Yeah, I got that. - Really? People don't... 100 00:04:33,656 --> 00:04:35,389 No, I got it. 101 00:04:35,719 --> 00:04:39,413 College proved tough for Schmidt, and old patterns soon returned. 102 00:04:40,643 --> 00:04:44,479 It became impossible to study, and I knew what I had to do. 103 00:04:44,615 --> 00:04:46,078 - And again... - New message. 104 00:04:46,102 --> 00:04:47,146 ...It worked. 105 00:04:47,165 --> 00:04:51,250 With Keaton in his corner, he pulled himself away from that bag of turkey 106 00:04:51,268 --> 00:04:52,867 - ...and became a man. - One... 107 00:04:52,879 --> 00:04:56,742 He lost five pounds, gained confidence with women... 108 00:04:58,578 --> 00:05:00,469 ...and he saw the hit movie Multiplicity... 109 00:05:00,488 --> 00:05:02,775 - 25 times. - Oh, my God. 110 00:05:02,806 --> 00:05:04,781 You've been cat fishing Schmidt. 111 00:05:04,808 --> 00:05:06,626 Do you think we could use this whole Michael Keaton thing 112 00:05:06,638 --> 00:05:08,508 - ...to turn Schmidt around? - Absolutely. 113 00:05:08,520 --> 00:05:10,096 - Great! - But I won't do it. 114 00:05:10,132 --> 00:05:12,817 - Why not? - Because I put it to bed, okay? 115 00:05:12,838 --> 00:05:15,273 It's over. He'll do anything Keaton says. 116 00:05:15,285 --> 00:05:16,942 The letters are too powerful. 117 00:05:16,973 --> 00:05:19,116 I'm lying to my best friend. 118 00:05:19,140 --> 00:05:22,191 And I also feel like I'm betraying the real Keaton, who I really love. 119 00:05:22,209 --> 00:05:24,564 Well, then why did you tell me that whole story, Nick? 120 00:05:24,582 --> 00:05:27,306 Because it's a great story, and I'm a teller of stories. 121 00:05:27,370 --> 00:05:29,342 But I won't do it. Sorry. 122 00:05:29,367 --> 00:05:31,061 You think you tell that story better than me? 123 00:05:31,079 --> 00:05:32,791 Look, you leave out way too many details, man. 124 00:05:32,816 --> 00:05:34,471 You don't just say he was chewing a candy bar. 125 00:05:34,496 --> 00:05:37,748 You say he was chewing on a nougat-y candy bar. 126 00:05:37,762 --> 00:05:40,818 That's not the kind of writer I am. I don't say words like "nougat-y." 127 00:05:40,843 --> 00:05:43,317 I'm simple. I'm like Hemingway. 128 00:05:55,148 --> 00:05:57,678 - Hey, Cece. - Oh, hey. 129 00:05:57,703 --> 00:05:59,829 I came to find out if you're coming to my party today. 130 00:05:59,834 --> 00:06:01,379 You never answered my e-mail. 131 00:06:01,422 --> 00:06:04,241 Yeah, I meant to, uh... to tell you I can't make it. 132 00:06:04,303 --> 00:06:05,484 Sorry. Um... 133 00:06:05,496 --> 00:06:09,624 I've been going out drinking a lot lately. It's kind of wiping me out. 134 00:06:11,512 --> 00:06:13,747 Please come to my party, Cece. 135 00:06:14,300 --> 00:06:17,200 - It's Schmidt, you know? I don't think I'm ready for that, so... - Yeah. 136 00:06:17,261 --> 00:06:20,859 What if I could promise you Schmidt wouldn't be there? 137 00:06:27,608 --> 00:06:29,710 - Who wants candy? - Did you go trick-or-treating? 138 00:06:29,728 --> 00:06:34,294 No. I was out, I had my errand tote, and a couple of neighbors gave me candy. 139 00:06:34,331 --> 00:06:35,337 Is that trick-or-treating? 140 00:06:35,354 --> 00:06:37,273 Yes, that's the definition of trick-or-treating, Jess. 141 00:06:37,290 --> 00:06:40,168 Hello! Uh, Jess, I'd like you to know that I've changed my mind, 142 00:06:40,186 --> 00:06:42,260 and I won't be coming to your party tonight. 143 00:06:42,279 --> 00:06:46,329 I've been e-mailing with an old friend of mine, and he made me realize 144 00:06:46,340 --> 00:06:48,520 - ...that I should give Cece her space. - An old friend, huh? 145 00:06:48,550 --> 00:06:51,259 Well, Nick knows. You know, I don't like to throw his name around 146 00:06:51,275 --> 00:06:53,904 because I don't like people treating me any differently, but... 147 00:06:54,006 --> 00:06:55,176 It's Michael Keaton. 148 00:06:55,206 --> 00:06:57,428 What?! 149 00:06:58,120 --> 00:07:00,173 Uh, okay. Calm down. 150 00:07:00,194 --> 00:07:03,029 The actor?! 151 00:07:03,118 --> 00:07:05,039 Seriously, you guys. Don't treat me any different. 152 00:07:05,062 --> 00:07:06,872 He's kind of my friend. Michael Keaton. 153 00:07:06,897 --> 00:07:08,992 There was one time he e-mailed me. He said he was my best friend. 154 00:07:09,071 --> 00:07:13,040 Anyway, we have so much catching up to do, me and Michael, so just enjoy the night. 155 00:07:13,063 --> 00:07:15,398 - That's crazy, Schmidt. - Ah, man. 156 00:07:16,830 --> 00:07:19,153 - What did you do? - Jessica Damn Day. 157 00:07:19,176 --> 00:07:21,182 I just got Schmidt to not come to the party. 158 00:07:21,201 --> 00:07:23,882 Keaton hasn't written Schmidt in three years. 159 00:07:23,904 --> 00:07:26,560 We have no idea how Schmidt is gonna react. 160 00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:27,958 If Schmidt finds out Keaton isn't real, 161 00:07:27,973 --> 00:07:30,127 it'll destroy the entire life he has built around him. 162 00:07:30,139 --> 00:07:32,452 We are talking about a Truman Show situation. 163 00:07:32,473 --> 00:07:35,383 Oh, yeah, I love that movie. What part are you talking about? 164 00:07:35,790 --> 00:07:37,684 Well, I'm talking about the part in the movie 165 00:07:37,715 --> 00:07:41,604 when Truman realizes that his whole life is a lie, and then he goes crazy. 166 00:07:41,626 --> 00:07:44,540 Yeah, yeah, yeah, right there in the middle of the movie. 167 00:07:44,766 --> 00:07:46,148 No, it's the whole movie. 168 00:07:46,161 --> 00:07:47,914 Oh, yeah, I know, I was just... 'cause there's the one... 169 00:07:47,948 --> 00:07:49,363 - There's like a scene. - You haven't seen it. 170 00:07:49,382 --> 00:07:53,001 He didn't see the movie. Okay, guys, he almost found out once. 171 00:07:53,123 --> 00:07:54,728 Now, luckily, I handled it. 172 00:07:55,146 --> 00:07:56,484 I don't understand. 173 00:07:56,495 --> 00:08:00,521 In 1995, he told me specifically that he had never been to Nicaragua. 174 00:08:00,751 --> 00:08:02,981 - It doesn't make any sense. - Aah! 175 00:08:03,318 --> 00:08:05,297 You have no idea what you've done. 176 00:08:05,537 --> 00:08:09,240 Hey, uh, you guys, do you think that it's too early to e-mail Michael back? 177 00:08:09,261 --> 00:08:10,491 Should I send him an e-card? 178 00:08:10,516 --> 00:08:12,825 Does that change anything, or does that change everything? 179 00:08:12,842 --> 00:08:14,374 - I think you're overthinking it. - You know what? 180 00:08:14,391 --> 00:08:15,622 - You're right. You're right. - Be cool. 181 00:08:15,640 --> 00:08:18,008 I think I'm way too up here, all upstairs. 182 00:08:18,034 --> 00:08:20,197 Got to bring it down... here to here. 183 00:08:20,327 --> 00:08:21,890 Not any lower, though. It's not like that. 184 00:08:21,902 --> 00:08:24,354 - I know it's not. - Bro, it's not like that. 185 00:08:24,379 --> 00:08:26,085 - No one thinks it is, bro. - Cool. 186 00:08:26,131 --> 00:08:27,865 All right. 187 00:08:27,993 --> 00:08:29,306 He's already getting weird. 188 00:08:29,324 --> 00:08:31,222 - Here. - No, Je... 189 00:08:32,285 --> 00:08:34,154 You... come to the master. 190 00:08:34,182 --> 00:08:35,936 What are you writing? 191 00:08:38,451 --> 00:08:41,085 I fixed it again. You're welcome again. 192 00:08:41,108 --> 00:08:43,183 So you just wrote from Keaton, 193 00:08:43,404 --> 00:08:45,581 "I'm going on vacation"? 194 00:08:45,701 --> 00:08:47,571 He would never write that, Jess. 195 00:08:47,605 --> 00:08:49,530 - Why not? - Vacation?! 196 00:08:49,577 --> 00:08:52,233 Oh, Michael, you... stop going away. 197 00:08:52,962 --> 00:08:55,091 I knew this would happen. 198 00:08:56,569 --> 00:08:59,151 - Hey, Schmidt. - Schmidty. 199 00:08:59,495 --> 00:09:01,145 He left me again. 200 00:09:01,319 --> 00:09:03,078 It makes sense. 201 00:09:03,453 --> 00:09:06,196 Why would a guy like Michael Keaton be friends with me anyway? 202 00:09:06,225 --> 00:09:08,660 I'm sure he likes you a lot, Schmidt. 203 00:09:08,693 --> 00:09:10,268 Why would he? 204 00:09:10,517 --> 00:09:14,632 I guess I'll just always be the fat boy who eats fat-boy cheese. 205 00:09:23,920 --> 00:09:25,920 I didn't want to have to do this. 206 00:09:28,792 --> 00:09:30,592 Oh, is that really necessary, Nick? 207 00:09:30,611 --> 00:09:31,754 - Shh. - What? 208 00:09:31,773 --> 00:09:34,146 Let him work. I'm kind of like his Robin. 209 00:09:34,165 --> 00:09:36,090 - You're not like my Robin. - You want to be Robin? 210 00:09:36,109 --> 00:09:39,449 He doesn't have all the responsibilities of Batman, but he can take some of the glory. 211 00:09:39,473 --> 00:09:40,921 - Robin's a joke. - Robin's the joke. 212 00:09:40,939 --> 00:09:42,241 I think we can all agree. 213 00:09:42,267 --> 00:09:44,429 The kids look up to him, you know, in the community. 214 00:09:44,453 --> 00:09:46,856 I haven't been inside Keaton's mind in a long time, 215 00:09:46,877 --> 00:09:49,100 and I need my proper inspiration. 216 00:09:49,446 --> 00:09:50,832 Thank you. 217 00:09:51,166 --> 00:09:52,667 Why do you have a picture of a bear? 218 00:09:52,682 --> 00:09:56,162 The great Michael Keaton attacks each new role 219 00:09:56,186 --> 00:09:59,268 with the ferocity of a hungry brown bear. 220 00:09:59,449 --> 00:10:04,124 It is his entire acting philosophy, which I totally made up. 221 00:10:04,149 --> 00:10:05,753 I sleep with this person. 222 00:10:05,796 --> 00:10:07,534 Speak to me, Keaton. 223 00:10:09,182 --> 00:10:10,482 Mmm. 224 00:10:11,449 --> 00:10:12,618 Here we go. 225 00:10:16,747 --> 00:10:18,781 Oh, hey, Nick, that's incredible. 226 00:10:18,966 --> 00:10:22,527 "Courage is not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it"? 227 00:10:22,791 --> 00:10:25,159 Yes, I stole that from Nelson Mandela. 228 00:10:25,193 --> 00:10:27,222 I added the part about the Penguin and the Riddler. 229 00:10:30,496 --> 00:10:32,094 Oh. All right. 230 00:10:33,971 --> 00:10:35,658 Is that him? Did it work? 231 00:10:36,216 --> 00:10:38,384 He wrote back smiley face. 232 00:10:38,587 --> 00:10:41,548 - He wrote back smiley face. - He wrote back smiley face. 233 00:10:45,467 --> 00:10:48,590 - Trick or treat! - Oh, how adorable. 234 00:10:48,613 --> 00:10:51,751 You know, I just got a treat, too. It's not candy; I'm not a... 235 00:10:51,801 --> 00:10:53,782 Not a dumb little baby like all of you. 236 00:10:53,823 --> 00:10:56,951 "Happy Hallow's Eve." 237 00:10:57,429 --> 00:10:58,931 And send. 238 00:11:00,240 --> 00:11:03,124 - Just give us our candy. - Hush, little boy. 239 00:11:10,027 --> 00:11:11,840 He wrote back. 240 00:11:12,505 --> 00:11:14,337 - "Hi." - Okay, I got this. 241 00:11:14,362 --> 00:11:16,597 "Speak to me, old chum. 242 00:11:16,661 --> 00:11:19,544 "I canceled my trip to provide earthquake relief. 243 00:11:19,556 --> 00:11:21,239 - This seemed more important." - Boom. 244 00:11:21,262 --> 00:11:22,856 - That's so good. - Yeah, it's pretty good. 245 00:11:22,877 --> 00:11:26,327 - You really have the Keaton voice down. - "You're a friend for life." 246 00:11:26,346 --> 00:11:27,894 - That's good. - "M.K." 247 00:11:27,913 --> 00:11:30,493 - I think that's good. - I think that's really good, actually. 248 00:11:33,860 --> 00:11:36,090 Hi. Welcome. Happy Halloween. 249 00:11:36,128 --> 00:11:37,659 Drinks are over there. 250 00:11:37,676 --> 00:11:40,084 - Hey. - Hi. 251 00:11:41,365 --> 00:11:44,521 - What are you supposed to be? - I'm Joey Ramona Quimby. 252 00:11:44,878 --> 00:11:49,593 - I don't get it. - Joey Ramone... a Quimby. 253 00:11:51,969 --> 00:11:54,946 What are you? You look like you're just wearing trash from your car. 254 00:11:54,988 --> 00:11:58,934 No, I'm not. I'm the Paper Mountain Trash King... 255 00:11:58,946 --> 00:12:00,365 I just got trash from my car. 256 00:12:00,384 --> 00:12:03,972 And now the man who once played center for the New York Knicks in the nude, 257 00:12:03,997 --> 00:12:06,184 David Letterman! 258 00:12:06,230 --> 00:12:08,871 - That is a terrible Letterman. - Really? 259 00:12:08,964 --> 00:12:10,889 People at work tell me I look just like Dave. 260 00:12:11,148 --> 00:12:12,612 You look just like Letterman. 261 00:12:12,648 --> 00:12:14,598 You know, I have always thought that. 262 00:12:15,729 --> 00:12:19,164 What, uh, what... uh, Nick, Nick Miller. So you a, uh...? 263 00:12:19,801 --> 00:12:20,705 You're a... 264 00:12:22,925 --> 00:12:24,300 - What is that? - That's, that's his laugh. 265 00:12:24,318 --> 00:12:26,621 - He's never done that. - That's his laugh. 266 00:12:26,647 --> 00:12:28,748 Do you like my costume? 267 00:12:31,170 --> 00:12:32,825 I'm a public serpent. 268 00:12:32,844 --> 00:12:36,102 - Um, I thought you weren't coming. - Oh, I changed my mind. 269 00:12:36,594 --> 00:12:39,194 You know, I reread a few of Keaton's e-mails. 270 00:12:39,310 --> 00:12:40,622 He can be quite cryptic. 271 00:12:40,634 --> 00:12:42,166 I think what he meant when he said that 272 00:12:42,189 --> 00:12:46,203 life was meaningful was really, "Go to the party." 273 00:12:46,268 --> 00:12:49,265 - I'm pretty sure he didn't mean that. - I know Keaton best. 274 00:12:49,292 --> 00:12:52,031 Hey, Winston, by the way, great costume. 275 00:12:52,289 --> 00:12:53,842 Maya Angelou. 276 00:12:54,742 --> 00:12:57,180 Crap. What am I gonna do? Cece's on her way. 277 00:12:57,192 --> 00:12:59,683 Schmidt is rereading e-mails. 278 00:12:59,741 --> 00:13:03,695 Do you know what happens after rereading? Figuring it out. It's The Truman Show. 279 00:13:03,708 --> 00:13:05,190 Truman Show, man, I love that movie. 280 00:13:05,205 --> 00:13:09,048 - I'm not convinced you've ever seen it. - I have; it's about the Civil War. 281 00:13:09,073 --> 00:13:11,971 - Batcave? - Go, go, go, go, go. Go, go, go. 282 00:13:14,099 --> 00:13:16,706 - Winston, go to Cece's and stall. - Okay, fine. 283 00:13:16,738 --> 00:13:19,784 But I got to hit the little King of the Late Night Talk Show's room first. 284 00:13:19,809 --> 00:13:22,110 Maybe slow down on that. You're not great with booze. 285 00:13:22,124 --> 00:13:24,099 - Hey, I got it, I got it. Um... - You got it? Good. 286 00:13:24,114 --> 00:13:27,052 "You're in grave danger. Leave where you are immediately." 287 00:13:27,077 --> 00:13:28,008 - Send. - Don't! 288 00:13:28,035 --> 00:13:29,042 - You just sent that? - Yeah. 289 00:13:29,055 --> 00:13:31,398 A team has to talk about a decision before you hit send. 290 00:13:31,419 --> 00:13:33,528 Sorry. I thought it was a really good move. 291 00:13:33,790 --> 00:13:36,066 - Trick or treat. - Shh. 292 00:13:36,279 --> 00:13:37,888 All right, you got to fix this. 293 00:13:38,138 --> 00:13:41,190 I'll meet you at your building in 30 minutes. 294 00:13:41,202 --> 00:13:42,065 - Terrible! - Send. 295 00:13:42,095 --> 00:13:43,490 - No! - What? 296 00:13:43,508 --> 00:13:44,893 Now what are we gonna do? 297 00:13:44,935 --> 00:13:46,723 - You told him Keaton was coming here? - No, Nick. 298 00:13:46,747 --> 00:13:49,058 - Are you out of your mind? - It's a stall! It's a stall... 299 00:13:49,084 --> 00:13:51,752 Until we can come up with a better plan. 300 00:13:51,777 --> 00:13:53,978 - Well, who the hell is that? - I don't know. 301 00:13:54,631 --> 00:13:56,581 Trick or treat! 302 00:13:57,859 --> 00:13:59,303 You. 303 00:14:01,016 --> 00:14:04,307 I don't get what you're doing! Are you drunk? 304 00:14:05,695 --> 00:14:06,633 A little. 305 00:14:06,657 --> 00:14:09,674 - What's your endgame here? - It's Halloween night. 306 00:14:09,691 --> 00:14:12,993 This is the night when anyone can dress up in a costume 307 00:14:13,008 --> 00:14:14,907 and be anybody that... they want. 308 00:14:14,926 --> 00:14:17,765 Would you listen to your woman voice for one second? 309 00:14:17,784 --> 00:14:21,007 Oh, you think I'm gonna talk to him in a woman voice when I'm talking to him? 310 00:14:21,022 --> 00:14:22,620 No, I have a character. 311 00:14:22,632 --> 00:14:25,289 You're doing a character? Well, I'd love to hear it. 312 00:14:26,417 --> 00:14:28,118 I'm the Batman. 313 00:14:28,139 --> 00:14:29,920 - Oh. - Right...? 314 00:14:29,933 --> 00:14:32,915 - So good. What, am I in the movie theater, eating popcorn? 315 00:14:34,899 --> 00:14:36,817 Jess, you're also five, four. 316 00:14:36,860 --> 00:14:39,491 Keep going further away. The further you're away, the bigger you look. 317 00:14:39,501 --> 00:14:41,436 - I would say run a little bit. - Nick! 318 00:14:41,534 --> 00:14:43,391 Jess, go! Go... 319 00:14:43,520 --> 00:14:45,192 - Hey. Uh, Nick. - Hey. 320 00:14:45,216 --> 00:14:48,016 By chance, have you seen anyone famous in the vicinity? 321 00:14:48,035 --> 00:14:51,037 This vicinity? Famous? Like, um... 322 00:14:51,648 --> 00:14:54,247 - Look that way. - What? 323 00:14:57,642 --> 00:15:00,299 - Oh, my God. - Yeah, it's unbelievable. 324 00:15:02,941 --> 00:15:04,273 - Well, it's my hero. - Yeah. 325 00:15:04,307 --> 00:15:07,395 - That is Michael Keaton. - Right there. 326 00:15:09,224 --> 00:15:12,155 Why is he wearing his costume from the movie he did 24 years ago? 327 00:15:12,173 --> 00:15:15,094 If he wore the outfit from Clean and Sober, you wouldn't recognize him. 328 00:15:15,113 --> 00:15:18,117 - I'm the Batman. - It's Halloween. Don't overthink it. 329 00:15:18,144 --> 00:15:20,042 Well, you saw him. There he is. Let's get out of here. 330 00:15:20,060 --> 00:15:22,728 - I have to meet him, Nick. I have to. - No, you don't have to meet him. No, no, no... 331 00:15:22,750 --> 00:15:24,516 You're a great kid, Sch... You're a great kid, Schmidt. 332 00:15:24,541 --> 00:15:26,470 No. Let me take you out to eat. I want to buy you something 333 00:15:26,495 --> 00:15:28,384 - 'cause you met your hero. - Go to an all-night diner. 334 00:15:28,415 --> 00:15:30,693 - No, I have to meet... Got to meet him. - He's got to... 335 00:15:30,710 --> 00:15:33,098 - It's Michael Keaton! - Go get a blintz or two! 336 00:15:33,338 --> 00:15:34,344 Aah! 337 00:15:34,393 --> 00:15:37,696 - Michael! It's me Schmidt. - See you later, Michael! Take off! 338 00:15:37,730 --> 00:15:38,857 We have so much to talk about. 339 00:15:38,863 --> 00:15:41,245 Our heroes are never who we want them to be! 340 00:15:41,265 --> 00:15:42,565 Oh. 341 00:15:43,809 --> 00:15:46,278 Oh. You met him. 342 00:15:46,512 --> 00:15:49,571 - It's Keaton. - Come on, you guys. I know. 343 00:15:50,333 --> 00:15:52,879 I've known the whole time. What, do you think I'm stupid? 344 00:15:53,186 --> 00:15:54,753 No. It just... I... 345 00:15:55,081 --> 00:15:56,813 Just don't really know what to say in this situation. 346 00:15:56,829 --> 00:15:58,367 Look, please don't blame Nick. It's not his fault. 347 00:15:58,396 --> 00:16:00,754 You should be ashamed of yourselves. 348 00:16:00,937 --> 00:16:03,573 How dare you hack into the private e-mail account 349 00:16:03,594 --> 00:16:06,114 of one of our nation's finest actors! 350 00:16:08,430 --> 00:16:10,259 I'm gonna have to tell Michael about this. 351 00:16:10,438 --> 00:16:12,388 No! No! 352 00:16:12,419 --> 00:16:15,738 - No, don't tell Michael! - Jess, please stop. 353 00:16:16,740 --> 00:16:19,384 Thank you for what you're trying to do, but it's over. 354 00:16:19,513 --> 00:16:21,406 It has to be over. 355 00:16:22,396 --> 00:16:25,732 Schmidt, I'm Michael Keaton. 356 00:16:27,275 --> 00:16:32,046 I'm the owner of the e-mail address KeatonPotatoes@aol.com. 357 00:16:32,854 --> 00:16:34,434 What? 358 00:16:34,887 --> 00:16:36,368 It was me... 359 00:16:36,393 --> 00:16:38,175 The whole time. 360 00:16:38,389 --> 00:16:39,774 No... 361 00:16:40,095 --> 00:16:41,114 No, you can't... 362 00:16:41,139 --> 00:16:44,358 How do you think I know that you kissed the bus driver at spring break? 363 00:16:44,478 --> 00:16:48,706 Or that you want to open up a glassware boutique in Connecticut? 364 00:16:49,125 --> 00:16:51,547 - Or about the wall hole? - This is impossible! I've been... 365 00:16:51,587 --> 00:16:53,486 I've been writing with Michael Keaton since I was a kid! 366 00:16:53,510 --> 00:16:56,322 Your mother came up with the idea, Schmidt. 367 00:16:56,401 --> 00:17:00,304 - But since college, it's been me. - My mom? 368 00:17:00,888 --> 00:17:03,528 You're gonna tell me that my mom helped me with my public erections? 369 00:17:03,553 --> 00:17:05,076 I drew pictures! 370 00:17:05,589 --> 00:17:07,936 He didn't want you to find out this way. 371 00:17:10,290 --> 00:17:11,916 Hey. 372 00:17:15,529 --> 00:17:17,439 - I got to go. - Wait. Schmidt! 373 00:17:17,711 --> 00:17:20,595 - Oh! Oh, I'm so, so sorry. Uh... - A bully! Get him! 374 00:17:20,615 --> 00:17:22,449 Oh! Oh! 375 00:17:22,635 --> 00:17:24,479 - Come on. - Hey, kids, get out of here! 376 00:17:24,503 --> 00:17:27,605 - Scat! Scat! - Back off! 377 00:17:31,221 --> 00:17:35,349 Cece, wait. I swear, I did not know he was gonna be here. I'm so sorry. 378 00:17:35,381 --> 00:17:37,878 No, Jess. It's-it's fine. Okay, it's fine. 379 00:17:37,910 --> 00:17:39,448 In fact... 380 00:17:40,260 --> 00:17:42,168 it's actually kind of perfect. 381 00:17:42,197 --> 00:17:46,228 I think, since this whole thing went down, I've just been running away. 382 00:17:46,265 --> 00:17:50,309 You know, I mean, actually seeing Schmidt, I... 383 00:17:51,282 --> 00:17:53,952 I finally feel like I have some closure. 384 00:17:53,971 --> 00:17:56,018 Well, good. I'm glad. 385 00:17:56,094 --> 00:17:58,028 You deserve some. 386 00:17:59,998 --> 00:18:02,487 So let's fire up the Batman Mobile, 387 00:18:02,500 --> 00:18:05,500 go to a taco stand and eat some feelings, okay? 388 00:18:05,531 --> 00:18:07,702 Okay, I just... I think it's Batmobile. 389 00:18:07,728 --> 00:18:08,928 Batman Mobile. 390 00:18:08,959 --> 00:18:10,304 No. 391 00:18:10,422 --> 00:18:11,717 Batmobile. 392 00:18:11,788 --> 00:18:13,451 That's what I said... Batman Mobile. 393 00:18:13,469 --> 00:18:15,261 You're putting the man... There's no man. It's just Bat... 394 00:18:15,298 --> 00:18:17,646 - Batman Mobile. - ...Mobile. Batman Mobile. 395 00:18:17,684 --> 00:18:19,841 - Batmobile. Drop the man. - Bat... Yeah. 396 00:18:19,894 --> 00:18:21,433 Batman Mobile. 397 00:18:21,568 --> 00:18:23,168 Batmobile. 398 00:18:23,939 --> 00:18:25,781 Batmo-mobile. 399 00:18:26,703 --> 00:18:30,659 So it was you who helped me through my first breakup with Elizabeth? 400 00:18:31,246 --> 00:18:32,627 Yeah, Schmidt. 401 00:18:32,984 --> 00:18:36,119 And it was you, not Keaton, 402 00:18:36,144 --> 00:18:39,382 who told me that women aren't attracted to men who wear maternity pants? 403 00:18:39,415 --> 00:18:42,728 Yes, but that one I feel like I shouldn't have had to. 404 00:18:42,746 --> 00:18:45,020 They're unbelevably comfortable. 405 00:18:45,401 --> 00:18:49,152 What about that time that we saw Michael Keaton at that deli, 406 00:18:49,328 --> 00:18:51,988 and he stopped, and he winked? 407 00:18:52,119 --> 00:18:54,063 Honestly, I can't explain that one. 408 00:18:54,087 --> 00:18:56,478 It was just the weirdest day of my whole life. 409 00:18:57,285 --> 00:18:58,954 My friend Michael. 410 00:18:59,951 --> 00:19:04,920 Oh, Schmidt, look, I know this is hard, okay? 411 00:19:05,335 --> 00:19:07,791 But honestly, I was just trying to help. 412 00:19:09,173 --> 00:19:12,330 You don't need Keaton. You got me. 413 00:19:14,773 --> 00:19:17,130 - What was that? - I'm so sorry. 414 00:19:17,263 --> 00:19:18,901 What... Why would you say something like that? 415 00:19:18,919 --> 00:19:22,196 Because I hurt you, and I've been wanting to fix this for years. 416 00:19:22,232 --> 00:19:25,376 The end of a high school football movie? 417 00:19:25,413 --> 00:19:30,174 I'm really sorry I pretended to be Keaton for the last 12 years. It's super weird. 418 00:19:31,489 --> 00:19:33,656 Are we good? 419 00:19:35,122 --> 00:19:36,716 Yeah. 420 00:19:36,828 --> 00:19:38,582 We're good. 421 00:19:46,573 --> 00:19:48,976 Well, Nicholas, I came to a decision last night. 422 00:19:49,082 --> 00:19:52,714 I'm entering a new chapter in my life, and I think it best that I do it alone. 423 00:19:52,759 --> 00:19:54,725 You're going to one of those weekend spas again, buddy? 424 00:19:54,743 --> 00:19:57,556 No. In the famous words of singer-songwriter Billy Joel... 425 00:19:57,581 --> 00:19:58,850 - Don't do this. - I'm moving out. 426 00:19:58,862 --> 00:20:00,174 You're the worst. 427 00:20:00,212 --> 00:20:02,743 - Schmidt, I thought you said we were good. - No, we're great, 428 00:20:02,771 --> 00:20:04,452 but I'm going. Two separate things. 429 00:20:04,479 --> 00:20:07,240 I made the call this morning. I got a new place. I'm out. 430 00:20:07,261 --> 00:20:09,574 - You're not going anywhere. - I'm going. 431 00:20:09,594 --> 00:20:12,825 Goodness, uh, I think somebody had sex in my bedroom last night. 432 00:20:12,850 --> 00:20:14,325 I think that because they're still in there... 433 00:20:14,346 --> 00:20:16,070 - Having sex, I think. - Ugh! 434 00:20:17,237 --> 00:20:19,313 Hey, Schmidt. You going to a weekend spa again? 435 00:20:19,331 --> 00:20:21,966 - No. Striking out on my own. - Wait. What?! 436 00:20:22,018 --> 00:20:23,749 You're moving out? He's not moving out, is he? 437 00:20:23,767 --> 00:20:25,411 Schmidt, you can't move out. Who's gonna do my fades? 438 00:20:25,424 --> 00:20:27,548 Yeah, who's gonna do his fades? 439 00:20:29,379 --> 00:20:31,047 Believe this is mine. 440 00:20:32,716 --> 00:20:34,884 Well, I bid you all adieu. 441 00:20:34,903 --> 00:20:36,597 - Stop it, Schmidt. Oh, Schmidt! - Are you serious? 442 00:20:36,621 --> 00:20:38,277 - Schmidt, come on. - Come on. 443 00:20:38,298 --> 00:20:39,637 - Seriously? Come on! - Stop with the show! 444 00:20:39,649 --> 00:20:42,067 You can't even fit all your socks in that suitcase. 445 00:20:42,584 --> 00:20:45,978 Get your last looks, 'cause who knows when we'll see each other again? 446 00:20:46,991 --> 00:20:48,934 Or where. 447 00:20:55,454 --> 00:20:58,431 Wait. You're just moving in across the hall? 448 00:20:58,448 --> 00:21:00,735 I can't hear you... 'cause I'm gone. 449 00:21:00,759 --> 00:21:02,893 Schmidt, it would take me longer to walk from the kitchen 450 00:21:02,911 --> 00:21:06,093 to the bathroom than it would from here to where you are. 451 00:21:06,131 --> 00:21:08,463 Oh, you are kidding me. 452 00:21:08,701 --> 00:21:11,009 - I can see your feet! - Me, too. 453 00:21:11,041 --> 00:21:12,147 Shut up. 454 00:21:12,278 --> 00:21:14,278 Guy's an idiot... 455 00:21:15,039 --> 00:21:16,934 See you tomorrow, Schmidt... 456 00:21:17,778 --> 00:21:20,047 Woo! I'm alone! 457 00:21:20,286 --> 00:21:22,605 I'm alone! I'm alone... 458 00:21:22,999 --> 00:21:24,866 I'm alone... 459 00:21:29,431 --> 00:21:31,292 Score, touchd... 460 00:21:32,608 --> 00:21:35,972 Hahaha... Yeah. Shut up, Winston. 461 00:21:36,339 --> 00:21:38,145 Stupid jerk! 462 00:21:38,504 --> 00:21:43,504 Sync & corrections: Reef www.addic7ed.com Resync for WEB-DL by Norther